Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

RAW RANT ARCHIVE (November 2008)

Navigation:
November 03, 2008
November 10, 2008
November 17, 2008
November 24, 2008

 
Welcome to 3 long….painstaking….grueling…hours of Monday Night Raw. It’s the 800th episode. Raw has been on the air longer than a lot of shows you probably either never watched or don’t watch anymore since those shows got really shitty toward the end. Hmm, seems to be a pattern. Let’s get into this right away.

Raw 800th Episode Special

After a video package on the 800th Episode and theme and pyro, we get Randy Orton. He demands Stephanie and Shane to come fire Adamle and goes to sit at ringside and pout like a baby. He then throws a tantrum all over the beach. The Hardy Boys are out next. Cole and King say they may not be the most popular tag team in Raw history but they are the most electrifying. I’d have to say that’s actually the team of Goldust and Booker T, considering Goldust was actually electrocuted. …okay I got nothing, sue me. They will be taking on MVP and THE Brian Kendrick. Who the fuck did Jeff’s makeup? I looks like a woman. What the fuck.

MVP & Brian Kendrick vs. The Hardy Boys

MVP starts off with Jeff and takes him down for a quick one count. MVP follows with a scoop slam but does an incredibly animated knee drop that completely bombs. This begs the question of why wrestlers telegraph their moves like that to their opponents. Does it really make your elbow drop more powerful to remove the pad and then run back and forth several time before you drop it with a spasm of arms? Really? Matt tags in and picks up a two count on MVP before tagging Jeff back in. Poetry in Motion gets two. Jeff BOMBS his slingshot dropkick to the sternum huge. I think that one might be legit, it looks incredibly harsh and awkward as he fell right on his head.

Kendrick tags in and kicks him in the back several time picking up some two counter. He misses some weird backflip move in the corner but a reverse suplex from Hardy shuts him down. Matt is back in now as well as MVP. Matt takes both men down with a bulldog and clothesline at the same time. He drops a middle rope elbow on the back of MVP’s head and goes to the side effect for two when Kendrick breaks the tag. Apparently WWE magazine dubbed Kendrick the Jerk of the Month. Once they have enough Jerks I heard they plan to form a circle of them. The ref doesn’t see a tag from MVP to Kendrick and he tries to come in, but while the ref is distracted, Jeff lands a Swanton on MVP so Matt can get the pin.
Winners: Hardys

We get a series of clips from the first episode of Raw. There’s unfortunately no shot of Vince seeing the ratings and getting Scrooge McDuck Dollar Signs in his eyes.

Random Commercial Thought: Saints Row 2 has no Saints, and actually very few Rows.

Back To the show where we see Episode 17 of The Kid beating Razor Ramon and becoming the 1-2-3 Kid. I’ve seen that match it’s actually very good. And now, an 8-man clusterfuck for the IC title match. Why is Cryme Tyme in this? Santino Marella comes out with Beth to watch the “fun”. Jamie Noble looks like an action figure in the ring next to all of these guys.

Intercontinental Title #1 Contender’s Battle Royal

Noble and Regal immediately split off from everyone else and go tooth and nail (they tapped a lot of green mana….Magic joke) all over the ring. Dibiase and Manu try to both dump Regal while Noble avoids being knocked out by Rhodes. JTG hangs onto the apron and avoids being thrown by Snitsky. He slips back in between his legs and the former tag champs eliminate Snitsky from behind with help from Manu. Dibiase then dumps Manu and Rhodes himself. Great friends. Noble is tossed by Regal and Noble drags him to the floor to beat his ass. Fifty dollars says Regal pulls an Edge finish considering he was the guy who used to pull them before Edge. Dibiase takes on Cryme Tyme, eliminating JTG. Shad starts to run Dibiase over, but hangs himself on the top rope with a missed kick. Regal then ambushed Dibiase and win. OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS SO ORIGINAL I AM SURPRISED.
Winner: Regal

Thanks WWE for proving you have no idea how to write a Battle Royal any differently. I mean, Jesus Christ, how hard is it to write an ending where people just win a Battle Royal by actually taking part in the whole thing? Marella asks where he has to fight Regal next week and it’s revealed it will be in Manchester England. Oh snap. Elsewhere, Stephanie and Shane, with Steph in her best Sara Palin outfit. She stops and asks Shane to handle it himself so he says he will as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m not sure if Samuel L Jackson actually belongs in “Black Comedy” movies. Especially next to Bernie Mac.

Back to the show where they replay a horrible, horrible night in which Shane McMahon was revealed the new owner WCW, beginning a storyline dredged from within the depths of hell itself. Back in the ring, Orton is back in complaining about being put in Jeopardy. I’ve always wanted to be put in Jeopardy, I think I’d win a lot of money. Shane comes out and says he doesn’t approve of the tone or demands. Orton cuts him off and says Vince would make sure he was happy. Shane points out he’s not Vince. Really? I couldn’t tell. I guess I should look for the “Pants full of shit” walk.

“Adamle’s music” interrupts. Um, why doesn’t he have a theme that isn’t the Raw theme? It always sounds retarded. He has a shit-eating grin and says he has something to say. He says since the beginning, whoever has been in charge has had an agenda. What? Chants are huge against him. He says he wanted to be the first neutral manager. He says this made him special (ed). He kind of dribbles off here and I don’t understand what he’s talking about. Did he forget his lines? He says he let Orton get the best of him and slapped him (pussy). He says this job corrupts and he doesn’t want to let it happen to him. He resigns. The crowd cheers big time. Shane looks perplexed. Orton demands an apology. Shane demands an apology from Randy to Adamle.

Shane tells Randy off, pointing out he looks good to wrestle and his shoulder isn’t injured at all, because he didn’t tell anyone the doctors have cleared him. Shane wants him in action tonight. Shane tells him not to worry about not having his gear because he took care of everything. Tonight it will be Orton vs. CM Punk. Well, at least Adamle is no longer GM. Huzzah!

Random Commercial Thought: Hellboy II is so bad it’s commercial is just: “Hellboy II on DVD. Own it Nov 11th.”

Replay of Obama asking us if we smell what Barrack is cooking and McCain impersonating Hogan. My….god….that shit was so funny. Off to ringside for Kozlov. Where’s Rocky when I need him? He’s taking on Bret The Hitman…Haas. Not a bad Hitman impersonation. I wish I was that kid who got his glasses. He’s a legend! He says the people didn’t screw Kozlov, Vladimir screwed himself. I thought he was gonna bring up his own personal screw job.

Bret Haas vs. Vladimir Kozlov

Haas goes for a kick which does nothing before he is tossed around like he’s made of paper. Kozlov delivers a head butt that lays him out flat for three.
Winner: Kozlov

Random Commercial Thought: Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe is the best game of the year. Seriously!

Back to the show. Replay of Batista winning the belt and an interview with Batista in the back. He will Kick. Jericho’s. Ass. We replay the episode where DX invaded WCW. I’d like to point out that WWE has long acted like this is one of the biggest moments in the ratings war, when it was actually pretty much retarded. In the back, DX is on their way as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Chocolate Man commercial should be playing Chocolate Rain.

DX takes five minutes to come out as we come back. They forget that they had ring pyro and end up looking like douche bags. Shawn says he’s not actually ready and can’t do this. He says he was watching ECW last week and M&M were mocking them. Be Jealous is the worst catchphrase ever by the way. “Let me be serious for a minute” is better. Shawn asks if Trips has noticed the size of his nose yet. Haha. Trips accuses the camera of adding ten pounds…to his nose. That’s a heavy nose. He says they mocked the chaps and that is unforgivable. He says you can punch his wife in the face or mock his kids but nobody does that, it’s the line. Trips says what made him mad is them getting on Shawn for going bald. This actually all pretty funny. Shawn puts his hat back on. Shawn says they didn’t actually mention that and they will never speak of it again. We get to see what Miz and Morrison looked like in high school. Nothing compares to Undertakers
famous high school photo of shame.

Miz and Morrison finally cut them off somewhere around the seven minute mark. I’d like to point out Miz and Morrison would get to the ring a lot faster if they walked in normal motion. The best part is it shows Miz and Morrison moving slowly and cuts away to HBK and Trips moving in normal speed.

Random Commercial Thought: Id eat one of those Can My Butt Look Any Bigger meals.

Back to the show.

Degeneration X vs. The Miz & John Morrison

The match is already underway with Morrison forcing Trips into the corner. Trips comes back with a big clothesline and crawls to a tag. Miz and Michaels are in now with Michaels landing a forearm and the nip up. Inverted Atomic Drop, which oddly enough was called a Manhattan drop in old game manuals for wrestling games. I don’t know if that ever used to be standard. Michaels drops the elbow, but Morrison blocks a Sweet Chin Music tune up. Miz catches Michaels from behind after HBK knocks Morrison from the apron. Miz and Morrison do their slingshot double team move as Morrison tags in that is kind of impossible to describe. I wish it had a title. And now for your viewing pleasure. Headlocks. Miz tags back in and works Michaels over. Morrison tags back in shortly but an enziguiri shuts him down. Michaels makes the tag and Trips crushes Morrison with a knee and face buster. He goes for the pedigree but Miz comes in, missing a clothesline. Trips lands a
spine buster but a Morrison comes back with a springboard kick to the face for two.

Morrison delivers a flying forearm to nip up of his own. He actually does it better actually. Morrison tunes up the band and lands the kick on Trips. Miz tags in and they take their dear sweet time of not winning like retards to do the DX taunt. “Hey John, should we win now?“ “Nah, let’s just dick around for a while and let them come back.“ “Oh okay.“ Miz goes for a Pedigree on Trips and gets blocked into a back body drop. Morrison rushes in and is sent right over the ropes. HBK comes in with a super kick to Miz into a pedigree.
Winners: DX

In the back, JBL is talking to Shane about something I’m not listening to. JBL thinks he wants to make the cage match a Triple Threat match tonight. Shane actually wanted to tell him he’s taking on the Undertaker. There is a 16 Diva tag match coming up…..I think I’m going to cry.

Random Commercial Thought: I like how the kids in this commercial just touch barbed wire like it doesn’t have really sharp pointy bits on it.

Back to the show. Clip of Mike Tyson who unfortunately did not bite off an ear. When the divas come out it’s revealed that the diva teams. I notice I don’t even know who half these women are. The diva teams are uneven so the faces get….Mae Young.

Every Face Diva vs. Every Heel Diva (16 Diva tag match)

This is the worst match ever. Michelle McCool fights Beth but then tags out to Mae. Mae levels every woman who comes in with one punch. This is the dumbest thing I’e ever seen. All the heel stalk over to Mae so the face divas dive in and level them. Beth ducks in though and rolls up Mae Young from behind. Finally. This was absolute torture to even watch.
Winners: Heel Divas

Mae Young’s rolls make it look like she has more tits than a cow. As we go to commercial a package of The Undertaker’s casket match plays.

Random Commercial Thought: The Break Up is a decidedly terrible movie.

Back to the show. Footage of Hogan confronted by The Rock. I will go ahead and say that despite the terribleness of the new NWO that moment was really epic and the match at Wrestlemania delivered. CM Punk is on his way out now as we see footage of how he got beat down by Punk with a kick to the head after a backstage assault. How do these people never get arrested? Where are all those security and off duty cops that escort people from the building the rest of the time? Here comes Randy Orton, now with 50% less pants.

World Tag Team Champion CM Punk vs. Randy Orton

Punk whiffs a kick, but follows with an enziguiri. Wow, one minutes into the match so far and not a single headlock. Orton clotheslines out of the corner and rams Punk into the mat, stomping on his head and going to his stalking stomps. He drops a knee and picks up a two count before….going to a headlock. Ah there it is. When did Orton get so many tattoos on his arms that it looks like he’s wearing sleeves from a distance? CM Punk powers back out of a corner this time and goes to his martial arts, leveling Orton with a kick to the back of the head. Orton tosses Punk out of a bulldog attempt and starts humping the ground which means he’s setting up for the RKO. However, Dibiase just tackles Punk and starts wailing on him.
Winner: Punk

Orton gets pissed and soccer kicks Dibiase in the head while he’s beating on Punk. The crowd starts chanting for RKO. Unfortunately Orton just casually strolls by Manu and Rhodes, leaving them there.

Random Commercial Thought: NCIS is a terrible show. The characters are bland and uninteresting stereotypes and the stories are really badly written.

Back to the show. Replay of what we just saw. Dibiase was carted out by paramedics. Rhodes and Manu confront Orton in the back. Orton asks them if they have a problem with that. Orton says he kicked some sense into Dibiase and says if they got a problem they better do something about it. Go ahead guys, kick him in the nuts. I would. That’s how I roll. By kick nuts. They pussy back and don’t call him on it. He says there may be hope for them yet. Replay of another boxer being in the ring. A midget black man who fought the Big Show.

Elsewhere, Stephanie is playing with her phone when Adamle comes to talk to her. She says his speech was eloquent and Adamle says they both know the real reason he left. He says it’s because every time he made a decision they changed it on him. He says Stephanie was contradicting Shane and she’s a megalomaniac. She asks if he is through and says controlling the show is his birthright before telling him to essentially go fuck himself with a microphone. Shane and Steph meet up shortly after and she blows it off when he asks her what is going on. She is a bit upset he won’t tell her what his new major announcement is. He’s gay!

Random Commercial Thought: Fallout 3: Yep. Still radioactive.

Back to the show. Footage of Hardy against Taker for the Undisputed Title in a ladder match. That match was amazing. It’s on the ladder match DVD so I recommend it. Back to ringside with some fat bastard coming to the ring. Oh wait it’s Jim Ross. Like I was saying, some fat bastard is on his way out. Taz is here too, but nobody cares about him. JBL it out and Undertaker is out five minutes later when he gets his slow ass into the ring. I swear Undertaker’s entrance was made for people to take bathroom breaks during.

The Undertaker vs. JBL

Take runs JBL down early on and quickly performs his Old School move which amounts to JBL just standing there while Undertaker casual tight rope walks the top rope. Don’t know him off or anything with the other arm you have, no. JBL powers back now, beating Taker down into the corner. The ref finally pulls JBL off and Taker regains the advantage, landing snake eyes and a boot. He drops an elbow for two. Taker signals the choke slam and plants JBL before signaling a tombstone, but JBL escapes and head butts his way to safety, falling to the floor. JBL is climbing back into the ring when Taker sits up and he decides to take a walk.
Winner: Taker

Michaels tosses JBL back into the ring, sneaking up on him and Taker scoops him into a tombstone. In the back, Chris Jericho says he will beat Batista tonight and wants to know who the opponent at Survivor Series will be. Shane says it will be John Cena who has done dick all while in the hospital. I love the logic of WWE. If you are in the hospital and make a return at a major event, you get a free title shot.

Random Commercial Thought: American Tax Relief- putting our country deeper in debt, one lazy rich person at a time.

Back to the show. Austin’s Beer Truck clip. You know the drill for that one….what the fuck is this Kung Fu demonstration by Funaki in the ring. I’m somewhat glad I don’t watch Smackdown. Hornswoggle comes in and gets in on the action so The Boogeyman comes in and dances with them, smoking staff and all. Goldust joins and….eventually the entire undercard is out busting a groove. Who the hell invited Sergeant Slaughter and why did he get in his ring gear for this? Cole and King are even in on it. Cole gets to dance with Lillian. Bastard….and also Goldust. …old times. Ron Simmons interrupts the dancing….Damn. This was a giant fail parade but it was still kind of funny. The music and dancing continue directly after. I love how Festus just stood in the center of the ring dumbfounded without moving. And now, video clips of Ric Flair’s retirement ceremony.

Random Commercial Thought: Keep in mind it probably isn’t the best idea to drive a dune buggy out of an airplane.

Back to the show. The marriage of Edge and Lita. I always assumed their eternal bond was formed not by God, but by some kind of fungal growth. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are here. Yeah, I bet you care. And here is Kane. He’s teaming up with the sweatastic Mark Henry. I think that guy leaves a grease trail like some sort of slug behind him. They are taking on Rey Mysterio. Evan Bourne was supposed to be his partner, but apparently he is injured. Kofi Kingston will be picking up the slack to add some more…size…to the match (get it? It’s a penis joke! I’m funny!).

Rey Mysterio & World Tag Team Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Kane & Mark Henry

Kane and Mysterio start off. Kane kicks his tiny little ass. Mysterio fights back but Kane shuts him down and tags in Henry. Misses an elbow drop so Kingston tags in. One of his kick is caught and Henry just throws Kingston across the ring. Kingston knocks Kane off the apron and he leaps up spread eagle onto Henry’s face which probably says a lot about him. Henry still tosses him around, but a corner charge is counter by a flip kick. Henry catches Kingston out of a top rope cross body. Mysterio tries dropkicking Henry but it does nothing. Kane clotheslines Mysterio and a World’s Strongest Slam squishes Kingston.
Winners: Kane & Henry

Kane throws Mysterio to the floor as…The Great Khali arrives….whyyyyyy? Kane goes to choke slam Rey on the floor and Khali knocks him out with a chop to the back of the head. Khali goes to the ring and sets Henry up for a 619 that sends Henry into another chop. Cole goes to say something else to us and the tech guys decide it might be a good time to cut him off. Thanks guys.

Random Commercial Thought: Battle Boris makes me think of that old followup show to Power Ranger, Beetle Borgs. I don’t know why.

Back to the show. A big video package about John Cena’s career which reminded me of when he was popular with -everyone-. Stephanie is talking to Shane and she asks him to keep her in the loop next time and not surprise her with stuff like Cena challenging for the belt. they agree that Vince would be proud of them right now (if he wasn’t a raging asshole I suppose). The carnivorous steel cage descends from the rafters. I keep expecting Jeff Corwin to run in and do a special on this dangerous species.

Random Commercial Thought: Hippo sex disturbs me. It should disturb you too.

Back to the show. Clips about Tribute to the Troops. It’s finally time for us to get the cage match underway now with Jericho already on his way to the ring. Batista is out shortly afterward. If I was in this match I would star in my corner, climb it like a monkey, and jump out for the win.

Chris Jericho vs. world Heavyweight Champion Batista (World Heavyweight Title Cage Match)

Jericho gets his ass beat right off the bat, rammed into the corner. Batista tosses Jericho to the other corner who scales up it fast to try and climb out. Batista catches him when half way out, dragging him back in to a powerslam. Batista lands a clothesline for two. Batista seems to forget he’s not a heel and chokes Jericho out with his foot in the corner. Jericho tries to come back but gets tossed into the steel. Rather than just leave the cage like an intelligent person, Batista stomps on him for a while and tosses him back into the cage again. King accuses Batista of using the cage like a tag team partner. Batista tags out to the cage who comes in and smashes Jericho in the face as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Burn Notice is coming back for another season soon, I cant wait.

Back to the match. Jericho locks on the walls as we come back. He’s trying to make it to the ropes for some reason, even though those won’t break the hold in a No DQ match so I don’t know why King is telling him to go for them. Jericho cries for the door to be opened. Batista kicks him off into the door. Jericho almost completely flies to the floor and actually has to keep himself from winning until Jericho can grab his legs which is kind of funny to watch. Jericho clings to the stairs and claws at the floor as Batista grabs his shoes and trunks. King gives us the horrible mental picture of Jericho slipping free of his pants. Jericho shuts the door on Batista knee who sits half out of the door instead of just scooting out for the win. He shuts it on his knee a second time and starts to work it over. Batista eventually counters with a spine buster but his leg gives out and Jericho picks up two. Jericho is slammed against the cage out of the code
breaker.

Jericho side steps a spear and Batista rams his face into the big metal thing that is behind him. What’s it called? Oh yeah, a cage. Jericho starts to climb the cage…when he was STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. Jericho slips over the wall but Batista just opens the door, grabs him and throws him back in…then walks back into the cage. JESUS CHRIST. I can only suspend disbelief so far guys. Batista tries a Batista bomb, but Jericho grabs the cage and climbs out. Batista meets him up top and they both take a vicious spill with Batista bouncing by his leg off the top rope. Ouch.

Jericho starts to climb out again. He takes hi dear sweet time at the top, just laying flat on it for a while as Batista is slow to meet him. Batista scoops him out into a Batista bomb. Jericho hangs on to the cables and pulls a steel ring off of them, punching Batista in the head with it, knocking him out. Jericho slips out and over now, but Batista grabs him by the throat through the cage. Jericho finally manages to slip free by kicking against the cage into Batista’s knee and lands to win the title back.
Winner: Jericho

The crowd just shit itself.

Highlight of the Night: M&M vs. DX was definitely the best match of the night and a real good one.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva tag match was just…uuuhg.

WWE “Creative” Award: Batista loses the title right back to Jericho. Why did he win it in the first place?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 
Welcome back. We survived three hours of Raw last week. I’m not sure how we did it. Perhaps we’ve built up a tolerance after all these years. Personally, I just drink a lot. That’s right kids, solve your problems with alcohol it’s the only way to truly be happy. Tell your parents you received this wonderful life message from The Wrestling Fan. Next week? High School unprotected sex! Yes, and lots of it!

Raw 11.10.08

Show opens with a recap of Jericho defeating Batista last week set to some kind of music that sounds like it belongs in Lord of the Rings. If Hornswoggle shows up tonight and chucks a ring into a volcano I’ll shit my pants. They remind us Jericho will go on to face Cena at Survivor Series. Batista comes out to say he wants to invoke his rematch clause. Stephanie appears on screen from Connecticut and says he can’t use his clause tonight. Stephanie says Shane’s decision stands that the winner of the match has to defend against Cena at Survivor Series. She says he will receive a match but not until after Survivor Series. She reminds us that Adamle quit and everyone dances with joy. She says she and Shane will stamp out a few long running issues. Kane and Rey will go head to head in a No DQ match. Jericho will face HBK in a Last Man Standing Match. I would like to point out that Stephanie’s acting here is equal to that of a pillow with a face drawn
on it being used as a puppet by Ben Stein.

Batista is then accosted by Randy Orton. Orton says Batista should wait in line, his turn is next. He goes on to claim he’s been better than Batista since Evolution. For some reason, somebody in the camera department today turned the “Bleach everyone out to pale degrees” button on. RKO chants begin until Batista tells Orton that history is written by winners and Batista has been kicking his ass in that department. Orton mocks Batista’s reign length before the crowd chants RKO again. Batista goes for a Batista bomb but Orton slips out, probably using the oil on his thighs to escape.

Random Commercial Thought: E-surance is awesome sometimes….this is not one of those time.

We replay Regal’s Edge Finish. Santino arrives to do away with the Honk-a-meter (NOOOOOO) to a chorus of boos. He then shows us the Honk-a-perf-a-mount-a-meter. He combines Mr. Perfect, Honky and the Mountie into 123 weeks in his confidence. This is awesome. The crowd is hot for Santino as he calls Regal a Jonas Brother. Saying Italy is the best country gets him some heel heat finally though before he’s interrupted by Regal and Layla in the BRIGHTEST PANTS EVER CREATED.

William Regal w/ Layla vs. Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella w/ Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix (Intercontinental Title Match)

Regal dives in with lefts and levels Santino with a reverse elbow. Hook suplex sets Santino up for a running knee to the forehead and that is the three.
Winner: Regal

Wait, WHAT?! I’m going to miss the Honk-a-meter. Cole asks Regal how it feels and Regal has to quiet the crowd first. He fires up England in the way that only William Regal can. I still think Layla’s outfit makes her look like she escaped from the set of Goldfinger.

Random Commercial Thought: The new Punisher looks like complete and total dick.

Back to the show where Kane cuts a promo at half frame-rate because winners use Adobe After Effects. He talks about how much he loves Stephanie and Shane now that he has Rey in a no DQ match. We’re off to ringside for the man who ate D’Lo Brown against the beard that ate Mike Knox. How awesome would it be if a possum crawled out of his beard mid-match and bit the opponent?

D’Lo Brown vs. Mike Knox

Knox pummels D’Lo into a corner and knees him down to the ground. D’Lo comes back with an elbow but runs into a boot to the face and some kind of stupid looking finisher picks up the win for Knox.
Winner: Knox

Elsewhere in the back, Santino complains to Beth about being forced to defend against Regal. He says he gave Shane a piece of his mind but Shane is now forcing Beth to defend against Mickie tonight. She breaks his precious little phone (THE PRECIOUS!) and stalks off.

Random Commercial Thought: In the beginning, God created Burn Notice, and it was good.

Back to the show. Replay of Jericho winning the belt again because seeing it thirty minutes ago wasn’t good enough. And now, a video package on John Cena. Gosh isn’t this exciting?! Next week on Raw, watch a video of stuff that already happened! We cut from that to Jericho telling Cena he’s going to end his story just like he’s done to Batista and Michaels. We then see Rey Mysterio making his way through the back as we go to commercial. Riveting.

Random Commercial Thought: The PSP, now in grey. Please like us.

Back to the show. Rey comes out to take on Kane. The intro is swift and the match is already under way.

Kane vs. Rey Mysterio (No DQ)

Kane chases Rey around the ring, trying to catch him. He slips underneath the ring, under the corner and trips Kane into the stairs. A short backflip off the guard rail catches Kane off guard and Rey slips back into the ring as we go to commercial again. Jesus Christ there’s a lot of breaks.

Random Commercial Thought: Left 4 Dead. I’ll fucking be there.

Back to the show where Kane is beating Rey’s ass all around the ring. For a no DQ match, he sure is taking it light by just hitting the other guy instead of strangling or beating his head in with a weapon like a true psychopath. Rey comes back with a drop toe hold and tries the 619 but Kane slips to the floor. He catches Rey in a baseball slide and just throws him into the barricade. Kane continues to dissect Mysterio back in the ring, working his arm and back over. Rey tries to come back but Kane runs him over and removes the turnbuckle. He tries to throw Mysterio into the corner, Razor Ramone style. Rey slips free and Kane is knocked to the apron. Kane tries a choke slam but Mysterio chokes him out on the rope. Rey is caught with a dive and Kane removes the floor covering. Rey counters a slam into a DDT on the concrete as the crowd rallies. I love watching Rey “lift” Kane as Kane helps himself in basically. Rey covers for a two count.

Rey hits an enziguiri into the 619 but Kane catches him out of the splash into a choke slam. Rey jumps free of the slam and trips Kane into the turnbuckle before hitting a top rope senton for three.
Winner: Mysterio

Elsewhere, Manu The Man Who Does Nothing and Rhodes are yelling at Orton for last week. The sound of nobody caring was pretty loud here.

Random Commercial Thought: Never sing your phone number.

Back to the show. Orton and Batista come out to face off when Rhodes and Manu interrupt. Cody says Orton can’t beat him, so he certainly can’t beat Batista. LOLwut? Cody claims he’ll do it himself and takes over the match. Wow that’s easy.

Cody Rhodes w/ Manu vs. Batista

Cody goes after the wrapped knee and kicks it out from under Batista multiple times, picking up a two count. He goes to a leg lock but Batista kicks him off. Batista runs into a kick to the jaw and eats a drop toe hold before Cody stats stomping the knee. Manu knocks Batista out from outside when the ref chastises Cody which gets two for Rhodes. Cody runs into a kick to the jaw. It’s a common known fact that wrestlers have blind spots to feet in their path. Batista finally stops sandbagging and just delivers a Batista bomb.
Winner: Batista

Manu gets speared for running in after the match and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Rock Band is just guitar Hero with worse guitar.

Back to the show. Beth and Mickie are here. Yay! Boobs!

Mickie James vs. Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix w/ Santino Marella (Women’s Title Match)

Mickie takes control early and bridges back into a two count. Her delivers a wrap around clothesline and a short drop kick for another two. Beth tries to stop Mickie from going up top but Beth is kicked back off. Mickie gets tripped by Santino and so she kicks him in the face. Beth slams the back of her head into the steel post though afterward and picks up the three.
Winner: Beth

Santino celebrates in ridiculous fashion and is beginning to look more and more like a man-slave as we go to commercial. If anyone remember the slave from Rumble Roses, you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, consider yourself lucky. VERY LUCKY.

Random Commercial Thought: There are no crabs in heaven. This is true.

Back to the show where we get a replay of the drama between Michaels and Jericho. And now, it’s time for the match that devoured the rest of tonight’s card like some kind of time cannibal. As both arrive we are sent right back to commercial because we obviously haven’t had enough yet.

Random Commercial Thought: Speaking of House, the episode I watched before this involved a runway model really being a man. What the fuck? Oh, she also had hidden testicular cancer. WHAT THE FUCK?!

Back to the show.

Shawn Michaels vs. World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho (Last Man Standing Match)

Shawn tries a super kick right away but Jericho dodges. Michaels just jumps on him and pummels Jericho into the mat. Jericho turns Michaels inside out in the corner, but Michaels comes back with a spinning clothesline. I’m not going to tell you guys all the counts since there would be too many to bother in a Last Man Standing match. Michaels delivers a shoulder block and nip up into the scoop slam. Cole claims you never see him do a scoop slam. Yeah, that NEVER happens /sarcasm. Michaels elbow drops onto Jericho’s knees. Jericho tries to attack him on the apron but misses and grounds himself. Michaels springboards into a cross body from the apron onto Jericho on the floor. Jericho manages to drag himself up and starts to walk upon the aisle. Michaels tackles him from behind and beats on his head some more.

Jericho ducks Sweet Chin Music and Jericho delivers a bulldog. Shawn stands but gets knocked right back down for his trouble. Michaels stands yet again as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Are Axe commercials targeted at men or women? If the product is for me, why is there so much half naked man in them?

Back to the show where Michaels is getting his ass beat. Jericho approaches him on the ring entrance, but is slingshotted for his attempt. Shawn beats Michaels onto the top of this old car that is there for no reason. Jericho counters a piledriver attempt on top of the car into the Walls of Jericho. Jericho wants him to tap for no arbitrary reason I guess. This makes absolutely perfect sense. Jericho releases the hold and kicks Michaels off of the roof before doing his best Nazi salute on top of the car. Michaels barely makes it up by 10. Jericho leaps off of the car right into a fist.

Michaels takes control of the match now before…clothes lining Jericho with the camera crane. I would have marked out if we just saw that move from the camera’s point of view. Jericho makes it back up and now they takes a walk down the crowd aisles and back toward ringside. Michaels retrieves a ladder but Jericho kicks it into him. Michaels dodges a follow up shot and tosses the ladder into Jericho. Michaels beats Jericho onto the announce table and sets up the ladder before delivering an elbow drop from the ladder through the table. JBL tries to attack Michaels but he is dodged and sent over the ring barricade, but the distraction is enough to allow Jericho to get in a shot with the belt. Michaels makes it up and Jericho walks into Sweet Chin Music. JBL then pops back up from behind the barricade with a chair to Michaels. It’s like some kind of fucked up puppet show back there. Jericho drags himself up at nine.
Winner: Jericho

Highlight of the Night: The main event was entertaining and delivered. It wasn’t overly good, but was good enough.

Lowlight of the Night: Rhodes against Batista was full of failure in epic proportions.

WWE “Creative” Award: Regal winning over Marella felt awkward. It seemed more like an excuse to get the belt onto Regal by having him win in the only place where he is a face so they wouldn’t have to do a Heel against Heel match somewhere.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 
Oh, hi, didn’t see you guys there. That’s probably because this is typed and thus it is impossible for me to do so. But I like to think impossible is nothing. I like to think that, but it doesn’t seem to help. Tonight on Raw, we have Stephanie’s Superstar Forum. I can only assume this is where all the superstars are going to sit down at a computer and make blog posts about their girlfriends that dumped them last week all in an effort to reach the legendary 1000 post count. On a related note, when asked why he booted Dibiase in the head, Randy Orton reportedly replied. “I did it for the lulz.”

Raw 11.17.08

Show opens with theme and we are off to the ring that is stuffed with superstars. Much to everyone’s horror Cole then introduces Stephanie for us who seems to have beaten up Judge Judy and stolen her glasses. She wants to address some questions about Adamle and Randy Orton is first up to bat. He demands to know why Cena is getting the title match this Sunday. The answer to that is he got injured, it’s required. Orton says that whoever wins, he’s next. He’s then speared through the podium by Goldberg. Rhodes grabs the microphone but nobody gives a shit. Cody wants to know why Orton is being rewarded for kicking his partner and even worse why he has to team with him at Survivor Series. She says Orton has to face Punk tonight in a Lumberjack Match. First to cut down twenty trees wins. I love how Cody’s question was so good it became about someone else entirely.

Santino introduces himself and says rapper Acorn is in the crowd. I guess it’s Akon or however he spells it. Santino then raps as Beth hand him a cap to twist sideways. It’s actually quite good for a white guy. Eat that shit Cena. He tells Regal he just got served. Stephanie says last week overseas Santino had two rematches. Santino tells off Acorn while he’s at it before JBL steps up to bat. He wants to now where Vince is. She says he’s out of the picture. The portrait painter hasn’t got a chance to sit down with him yet. Shawn Michaels is up and wants his payback now instead of Sunday. She tells him to wait. Michaels just tackles JBL and for some reason everyone else leaves the ring like little pussies as well. I guess the forum is over.

Random Commercial Thought: You have got to be kidding me. The Day the Earth Stood Still? Why?! WHY?!

Back to the show. Kelly Kelly is going to take on Victoria, the most unappreciated diva in WWE history since Molly Holly.

Kelly Kelly vs. Victoria

Victoria beats the holy shit out of her at first but takes the ridiculous screaming head scissors. They should call it the Banshee Twist. Kelly delivers a handspring elbow into the corner but Victoria powers back and lands a backbreaker. Victoria squishes her with “Aracknophobia” for two and then Kelly just rolls her up for three. Lame.
Winner: Kelly

Victoria proceeds to nail her from behind…she also attacks her. Victoria drags her ba into the ring for the Widow’s Peak before the Raw divas save the day. Did they all coordinate in buying their jeans? Victoria runs but Beth takes her out from behind and pushes her in the ring. Beth plants her with the chicken wing slap jack or whatever the fuck it is after a double team by the others. Jillian does nothing. Lazy bitch.

Random Commercial Thought: Somebody in the cable company really wants me to buy a car, I got three commercials for them in a row.

Back to the show. Replay of Cody losing to Batista. Speaking of losing to Batista, it’s apparently Manu’s turn now.

Batista vs. Manu w/ Cody Rhodes

As the match starts, Orton walks out on the ramp and stands there. They break a tie up and go right back to it, Batista working a headlock to a shoulder block but Manu stands and catches him with an uppercut. Batista tries to come back but Manu Samoan drops and then…delivers a really fast side dropkick. I’m surprised he can move like that. Nice. Batista is sent shoulder first into the ring post. Nerve hold by Manu. These always manage to look absolutely ridiculous. OH MY GOD HE’S PINCHING ME WHAT DO I DO?! Manu gets a two count before Batista powers back and tries for the Batista Bomb but Manu tosses him off. Batista isn’t having this shit though and spears him before landing the bomb.
Winner: Batista

Batista cuts a promo about how he wants to Kick. Orton’s. Ass.

Random Commercial Thought: Is it said that the commercial of the toy Cena and Batista fighting is better than any match the two have ever had with each other?

Back to the show. Chief Strong Bow is here. I don’t know why we care. Anyway, now a video package about Evan Bourne! It’s the Evan Identity! He’s here to update us on his condition. He hobbles out on some crutches. Pussy! You better fucking run. The beard that is slowly consuming Mike Knox appears to stare him down for some reason. Shawn and Rey are about to walk through the back to the Raw theme when Michaels cuts the music and tells Rey this is the first time he’s ever walked this hall with him. He says he’s nervous. I’m surprised they didn’t start singing “One Step in Front of the Other” they run into Ziggler and Shawn introduces him for him so he doesn’t even get to say anything. Why does Ziggler dress in his wrestling gear if he never actually wrestles? Shawn does a commercial for the upcoming match as we go to commercial ourselves.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh yay I can watch College TV on cable.

Back to the show. Why has Survivor Series never had a theme by Survivor? Eye of the Tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight! Rising up to the challenge of our riiiivaaaals. Now to ringside for Miz and Morrison. Some guy called Rey Mysterio is here too with Shawn Michaels.

Shawn Michaels & Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz & John Morrison

Michaels starts off strong against Morrison before tagging in Mysterio. He drop toe holds Morrison an Mysterio delivers a baseball slide to the head for two. Rey tries for the 619 but Miz trips him. Michaels dives over the ropes on Miz and Rey dives off the other side onto Morrison as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m sorry fan boys but Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts is just subpar compared to other Banjo games.

Back to the match. Miz has Michaels in a dreaded headlock. There are too many Ms in this match. Mysterio, Miz, Michaels, Morrison. It’s like a tongue twister waiting to happen. Michaels breaks free and makes the tag. Mysterio comes in with a plancha off the top and a head scissors. Miz tries to toss him to the floor but Mysterio makes the apron and goes for a Sunset flip. Morrison comes across the apron but Mysterio dropkicks him off only to be slammed into the ring post by Miz.

Back in the ring, Morrison is beating Mysterio down. I like how the replay ever so subtly advertises the new game in its picture. Miz tags back in after just a moment and puts a dorky kind of submission hold on. A sunset flip attempt by Miz is countered into a dropkick by Rey. Miz makes the tag and Morrison shuts off an attempt for Mysterio to make a tag. Morrison picks up a two count before putting on an abdominal stretch. Miz comes back in and delivers a few stomps and a leg drop for two. Then Morrison is back in. It’s like a tag team revolving door in the ring now. Morrison chokes him out with the ropes. A spring board off the ropes by Morrison is met by a dropkick to the midsection from Rey.

Michaels tags in now as does Miz. Michaels with the shoulder block and nip up into the atomic drop and scoop slam for the elbow drop. All generic Shawn Michaels, and people complain about John Cena. Michaels fires up the band but Miz lands on his back to avoid the kick. Michaels tries to put him in a Figure four but Miz escapes. Michaels is turned inside out in the corner but has to take Morrison down on the apron and tackle Miz. Morrison breaks the count at two before being tossed from the ring. Rey comes in with a 619 on Miz that sends him into Sweet Chin Music. Morrison comes in and super kick Michaels though before tackles Rey off the apron. Miz picks up the three unconsciously.
Winners: Miz & Morrison

And now, yet another John Cena video. Oh look 700 Club is on.

Random Commercial Thought: Just For Men Gel sounds more like a sexual lubricant.

Back to the show. CM Punk is interviewed as they remind us for the millionth time via video he was kicked in the head a couple of months ago. Elsewhere Kane wants to talk with JBL. JBL mentions they are actually quite compatible. Match.com says so. Kane tells him to stay out of his way or get hurt basically. And here comes Cryme Tyme.

Random Commercial Thought: Nerd Wars are harsh.

Back to the show. Cryme Tyme hung out with Akon during the break to sing. My god. Damnit black people!

JBL & Kane vs. Cryme Tyme

JBL starts off with JTG. JTG gets in some quick offense before tagging in Shad who crushes JBL in the corner. JTG tags back in and delivers a flip over kick to JBL for two. Shad is right back in with a shoulder block for two of his own. This is a series of quick tags and double teams with JTG back in yet again and finally JBL comes back and tags in Kane. Kane runs JTG over while Cole discusses one of my favorite words “Redonkulious”. Kane delivers a big side slam and kick Shad to the floor before climbing up top. JTG eats the clothesline and JBL tags himself in while Kane is signaling a choke slam. JBL delivers the Clothesline from Hell for the win.
Winners: Kane & JBL

In the back, Evan Bourne is tripped by Knox when he shoves Kofi Kingston into him. He begs for his life like a teenager in a horror film before Knox beats his leg with his own crutches. I’ve always wanted to do that to some random handicapped person myself.

Random Commercial Thought: Have you ever wanted to eat Mexican food in front of a fake landscape? These two guys did.

Back to the show. Commercial for a new Eddie DVD. That’s pretty cool. William Regal comes out to tell us what is wrong with America and not Britain. It must have nothing to do with teeth quality.

ECW Champion Matt Hardy vs. Intercontinental Champion William Regal (Non-title Match)

Matt Hardy keep going for rollups in the beginning, getting a one count and a two count. Regal tosses hi to the floor and kicks Hardy in the head when he tries to enter. Hardy drags him to the floor and beats his ass. Regal retaliates by tossing him into the ring barricade. Hardy refuses to let him back in and just keeps beating the shit out of him until the ten count finishes.
Winner: Nobody

Wow. Lame. Regal slams Hardy into the announce table but Hardy plants him into the ring steps and tackles him as the ref pull them apart.

Random Commercial Thought: I paid less attention to these commercial than a Sara Palin speech.

Back to the show where Lillian introduces Jericho who I had actually managed to forget even existed tonight. There was one scene I didn’t bother mentioning where he bitched to Steph about what Cena will do to the show by returning. I’m sure you cared. He relates the story of his title wins. This goes on for a very long time but amounts to him saving us from Cena. The IWC just shit itself with glee.

Random Commercial Thought: What does hockey have to do with poker again?

Back to the show. Am I the only person who thinks CM Punks theme sounds like the kind of generic bullshit you expect from a TNA theme? We have Punk and Orton in the ring and Raw with some ECW chumps no one cares about as well as Lumberjacks from Smackdown.

Randy Orton vs. World Tag Team Champion CM Punk (Lumberjack Match)

We get a series of headlocks and quick mat wrestling that really isn’t very impressive as no actual holds were put on. The crowd is more interested in yelling Ho at Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Orton tries to toss Punk to the floor but he escapes quickly. Orton runs him down with a shoulder block but Punk comes back with a side dropkick that sends him to the floor. Hardy and Carlito toss him back inside. Orton falls to the floor again and this time they beat the snot out of him because he decks Jamie Noble before tossing him back inside. Punk is sent to the floor next with Mark Henry pulling him out himself before beating his ass. Fun Fact in The Matrix: Path of Neo you have a Lumberjack match with Agent Smith as the other Smiths will toss you both back in if you get knocked into them.

Back in the ring Orton picks up a couple of two counts, one off of a dropkick. And now, it’s time for Ortonlocks. Punk tries to rally back but a Powerslam from Orton picks up another two. Orton drops a knee to the back of the head and goes back to Ortonlocks. CM Punk comes back with a swinging neck breaker. Punk now with lots of fancy Kung Fu. He really is Neo. Whoa. Punk gets a two count off of a big round kick. Punk comes back with another drop kick and delivers the Pepsi One for two. Batista distracts Orton on the outside and Punk tries to scoop him up into the GTS. Orton counters it into his inverted backbreaker and sets up for the RKO. Punk counters it with a dropkick to send Orton to the floor. Punk leaps off the top rope onto all the heels who are helping him up. Back in the ring, Regal distracts Punk, allowing Orton to land an RKO.
Winner: Orton

Long way to go for that, but a decent match for Orton. Orton tries to punt him in the head but Batista spears him. Now the entire Survivor series teams spill into the ring and finally all the lumberjacks start fighting. Did somebody toss a chair? “I’m mad!”

Highlight of the Night: The tag team match between Miz & Morrison and Mysterio & Michaels. It was a great match with a nice, unexpected finish. Despite my distaste for Miz, the team has really grown on me, even if their trash talking segments suck horribly.

Lowlight of the Night: Would have to be the Regal and Hardy match. Two of my current favorites in a match together and all I get is a quick blow off like it was a cheap hooker.

WWE “Creative” Award: Does somebody just have it out for CM Punk?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (11/24/08) By Cameron Burge

 
Welcome. We’ve had a bit of a shake up as in the title picture as Edge returned with his new Beard of Power to win the title in the most Edge fashion in the type of finish that has become so absolutely stupid and overused that it no longer surprises me. Also, Cena takes the belt off Jericho for seemingly no reason. Yay? In other more important news I just got done watching an episode of House where House got his fix of jailbait. I also just returned from a massive Brawl tournament in which me and partner wrecked some shit hardcore in teams. And now, professional wrestling! Whee!

Raw 11.24.08

The show opens with Shane arriving in a limo and talking to random wrestlers as he rushes through the building. Ziggler gets stuck holding his coat. “Hi, I’m coat rack!” Shane makes his entrance to his awesome theme music before announcing Cena’s win. He says both Batista and Jericho have rematch clauses in their contracts. I’ve always wanted to know what guy doesn’t. Does that guy just have the dumbest fucking agent ever? Jericho and Batista will have to compete for the shot at Cena at Armageddon. Steph interrupts with her loud music and her torpedo tits lead the way. She says she has an announcement as well and says Orton has an argument to be a contender and so she adds him to the mix as well. She says he loves surprises and they have a little silent chat. She has some shit to say apparently. Big Cena chants start up. The Miz and Morrison are then announced as Shane cuts Steph off to announce the second half as Michaels and Mysterio. She says it’s her show and bitches. Started talkin’ shit, what do ya know? I reached back like a pimp and I slapped the ho.

Shane tells her to fuck off because he’s just here to have fun and make it a better show. She tells him that if he wants to do that he should go back to New York. She demands to run the show as he runs the corporation. He accuses her of running the show by sleeping with more WWE stars. He gets a bitchslap for that. He tells her he’ll watch her run it right into the ground then. Awkward. King and Cole take over for us now. Aw, and here I’m going to miss the absolute and complete lack of emoting from Steph’s soulless voice. And now Miz and Morrison arrive.

The Miz & John Morrison vs. Shawn Michaels & Rey Mysterio

Mysterio starts us off with Morrison. Mysterio looks good but apparently this is absolutely not important for us to be bothering to watch I guess as we see JBL in his limo demanding to be driven to the ring. Back in the ring, Morrison is coming back on Michaels. He has to dive away from a Superkick. Michaels knocks Miz off the apron but Morrison lands a kick to Michaels’ bad eye. Morrison decides this is a good time for a rest hold as JBL arrives. Miz is back in and dissecting Michaels as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Mirror’s Edge is amazing, no argument.

Back to the match. Michaels is all alone for now as Mysterio got his ass kicked on the outside by Miz during the break. Michaels finally breaks free but Mysterio is busy inspecting the structure of the ring barricade to give a shit. Morrison tags in and stomps Michaels around for a bit before setting him up top for a superplex. Michaels shoves him off and falls off awkwardly himself, crawling along the ropes like a retard instead of walking. He makes the tag and Mysterio comes in hot. Cole apparently declares Rey to be a pirate by saying he has a swashbuckling style. I didn’t know Paul London was here. Mysterio delivers a split legged moonsault for two. Mysterio comes back with a 619 then goes up top but Morrison holds him up. Shawn has to take him out on the outside and Mysterio and Miz fight on the top. Mysterio lands a Sunset flip power bomb off the top for the win.
Winners: Mysterio & Michaels

Morrison has bashed Michaels into the ring post and takes out Mysterio from behind now before beating Michaels down some more. JBL comes into the ring now…and levels Morrison with a foot. He then declares his work here is done and rides off into the sunset, Blazing Saddles style…with a limo.

Random Commercial Thought: Wanted has me torn. On the one hand I’ve never seen a bad movie with Morgan Freeman in it, but I really can’t stand stupid shit with Angelina Jolie in it.

Back to the show. JBL tells Tard that he was ensuring Michaels would accept a deal he offered now or some shit. He rattled it off with all the emotion of an epitaph for a stranger. In the ring. Lillian introduces Kennedy as being in a shitty ass movie. Kennedy tells us about his movie and shows a stupid film about lines. Whatever queer. They also make fun of a fat kid who likes Vince McMahon as reminding him of Obama. They both have big ears apparently. After Kennedy pimps himself, we are off to Batista in the back complimenting Cena. Man, Cena’s dick must be delicious because Batista doesn’t get it out of his mouth for this whole promo.

Random Commercial Thought: Smackdown vs. Raw  2009 will hopefully be considerably less broken than the last couple of installments, somehow I don’t have my hopes up.

Lillian Garcia is in the ring introducing Pat Patterson via his many many accomplishments and somehow doesn’t manage to mention he holds the record for highest number of rookies to suck him off to get a job. And now. A black guy. It’s Kofi Kingston. This is part of the IC contender tournament.

World Tag Team Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Kane (IC Tourney Match)

Kingston and Kane face off with Patterson rattling on about IC champions being on a DVD. Nobody really cares about the match at all. Kingston runs into a foot. Am I the only person who is reminded of Rodney Dangerfield whenever Patterson talks? Kingston gets slung into a corner but dodges the bullet with an incredibly swing through the ropes out of the way. He comes back off the top on Kane but miss a follow up, getting caught in a choke slam. Kofi escapes and stops himself from being tossed to the floor. Kofi comes back with kicks and slings Kane to the floor before leaping off the top and botching a cross body from the ropes to the outside. Kane slams him into the ring post before bending him around the ring post. The ref actually counts this to the limit and DQs.
Winner: Kingston

Kane grabs the ring steps and knocks Kofi out with them. Steph then arrives to tell him he has two choices to either take his aggression out on Kofi or to take it out on her ass. Oh no wait, she said Cena next week.

Random Commercial Thought: Resistance 2 is trash, play Gears of War 2.

Back to the show. We get a replay of how Batista lost his Survivor Series match. Jericho then comes out with a face that says “I just drank some bitter beer.” Tonight’s show is brought to you by Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe which somehow manages to have more realistic fighting than what you are watching right now. Batista and Orton are out next and let the epic battle of tight little black trunks commence!

Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho vs. Batista (#1 Contender’s Match)

Orton and Jericho both go after Batista but he takes turns beating them down into corners. Orton decides to take his time getting up in the corner from a weak looking corner toss so Batista can pick up a two count on Jericho. To be honest, Batista is looking lazy as fuck in this match. Jericho capitalizes on a pin attempt on Orton, but Batista powers back, kicking Orton to the floor and trying to follow up on Jericho. Orton drags Batista to the floor from behind but gets owned. Jericho delivers a springboard dropkick to Batista on the apron, leaving Orton and Jericho. Jericho gets the bulldog but bombs a lionsault. Orton sets up for an RKO so he can possibly get some offense in as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Only one man stands for justice…Captain fucking Falcon.

Back to the show. Jericho is pinning Batista for two. Apparently Orton was dragged out of the ring from the RKO and dumped into the crowd. Orton tosses Jericho and goes to stomping on Batista. This is the pinnacle of wrestling skill. And now. Chinlocks! Jericho comes in and both of them stomp down on Batista together. Jericho tosses him into a clothesline from Orton but Orton cheap shots Jericho. Orton goes to work on Batista but Jericho delivers a running exiguities for two when Batista breaks it up. Batista powers back with his varied arsenal of….clotheslines. He tries for a double clothesline but Jericho ducks it only to be caught in a side slam for two.

Orton’s turn now to be scooped up into a Powerslam for another two when Jericho interrupts. Jericho runs into a Powerslam from Orton for two again then rolls himself to the floor ever so conveniently. Batista flattens Orton with a Spinebuster but turns around from his taunt to find no Orton in the ring and Jericho running in for a Codebreaker. Batista counters into the Batista bomb but Jericho counters with the Walls. Orton clotheslines him from behind and Orton delivers his inverted neck breaker. Orton sets up fro the RKO as I wonder why he lays on the ground and humps the mat like that all the time. Orton seems to change his mind for a punt to the head, but runs into a spear. Jericho then tosses Batista off and steals the pin.
Winner: Jericho

Random Commercial Thought: The Last Remnant, when you just can’t get enough of your shitty Japanese emo fantasy storylines.

Back to the show. Santino Marella is in the ring with The Scorpion…oh wait that’s Beth Phoenix. He claims himself to be the best IC champ ever and says it is a mistake he is not on the IC DVD and he should be in the IC tournament too. He says someone made a mistake by challenging him tonight and it turns out to be Goldust. Why…oh god Why….

Goldust avoids a tie up and slaps him on the back. Goldust freaks him out with some hot sexy…I mean nasty maneuvers. He then puts some moves on Beth as well. I’d hit it. Santino gets decked with a right and a butt thrust for one. Goldust goes to a headlock. Santino fights back and beats Goldust into a corner before taking a drop uppercut and an atomic drop into a clothesline. Goldust finishes with some kind of new version of the Curtain Call.
Winner: Goldust

Random Commercial Thought: Geckos get all the hot bitches.

Back to the show. Bret Haas pimps some merch and shows clips of his fights…er…fight with Vladamir. Elsewhere, Rhodes and Manu stare at Orton. Thrilling. CM Punk is now out to the ring for the IC tourney. Snitsky is here to lose while Regal joins us on the microphone.

World Tag Team Champion CM Punk vs. Snitsky (IC Tourney Match)

CM Punk tries an arm bar and gets tossed into a side slam for two. Layla looks like a cheap whore. Regal says he hopes Punk wins because he wants to have a feud for the ages with him. Too bad good writers don’t write this show or it would actually happen that way. Meanwhile, Punk is being hugged. This is apparently a submission hold if you put the word bear in front of it. The hugging continues for a long while. This is turning into a sausage fest, show more Layla. Punk finally powers back and picks up a two count before delivering the Pepsi One. Snitsky escapes the bulldog and levels Punk with a kick. CM Punk gets wrecked for a bit and decides to just say fuck it and scoop Snitsky up for a GTS.
Winner: Punk

Regal gives him one of those douche bag courtesy claps. Apparently Mysterio is in the back to talk about taking on the Mix in the IC tourney next week. Mike Knox then comes up to stare down at him through his beard. I can’t imagine he can actually see down past it.

Random Commercial Thought: Ozzy Osborn should write WoW then maybe it would actually be crazy enough to be entertaining.

Back to the show. DX are pimping merchandise for Christmas. I would tell you what but I actually don’t care at all and would rather masturbate to porn of your hot mom and/or sister that she totally puts up for free because she’s a slut like that. Speaking of tits, Beth, Jillian and Katie are here. Jillian interrupts a boast-fest by Beth. She then sings and asks for them to be backup dancers. Katie actually starts to do so until Beth tells her to can it while we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Guitar Hero World Tour is for winners who enjoy playing music from other video games created by other losers obsessed with the game like themselves.

Back to the show. Mickie, Candice (who is listed as Melina on the main screen thanks to some retard. She gets an anti-reaction. The third person is Melina who was supposed to be a surprise. Oops. Melina seems to be in an “Oh don’t worry, we hated each other for my entire wrestling career but I got injured and found Jesus so let’s partner up” kind of mood.

Jillian Hall & Katie Lea & Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix vs. Candice Michelle & Mickie James & Melina (Six Diva tag Match)

Jillian and Candice start off. I think my main problem with women’s matches it hey grunt like they are having rough sex or something. Candice gets cheap shotted by Katie from the outside and Jillian tosses her by the hair around the ring before beating Candice into the heel corner. The heels team up during a distraction and Jillian backflips into an elbow before tagging Beth in. Beth breaks her over her knee for a while. You’re a dirty girl! Dirty Dirty!….excuse me, sorry. Candice kicks her way free and makes the tag to Melina. Melina goes to town and displays some incredibly impressive maneuvers. She delivers a big flip over power bomb after a matrix dodge of a clothesline to Jillian and takes out everyone. Mickie sends Beth to the floor and Melina finishes Katie Lea with her finisher that basically involves shoving her crotch in their face.
Winners: Melina, Mickie & Candice.

Jericho meets up with Steph in the back who says he is going to the ring to serve as John Cena’s one man welcoming committee. Oh I hope there is cake.

Random Commercial Thought: Sonic Unleashed will not turn you into a werewolf. It might turn you into a social pariah.

Back to the show. Jericho is in the ring to commence his bitch-fest. He is eventually interrupted by Cena on the Titantron who has surrounded himself with small children. He then enters through the crowd after a speech about fighting for his fans or some crap. Cena’s new gear sucks. I want the 8-bit shirt back. Cena says he isn’t aware of how many titles he’s won and lost and I wonder why he doesn’t just check his own Superstar page on WWE.com. Just google yourself damn it. Jericho takes issues with Cena’s speech and decides to list off the people he has beaten. Cena tells him to stop. Jericho has to back down from the physical threat. Something about the sudden toplessness probably threw him off. Cena keeps talking, but I sort of zoned him out for this. None of it was really important at all. It is just Cena trying to win the crowd back to him. Jericho does finally get back in the ring to respond. He says “The champ is not here, the champ is
 right here.” Wait…what? He calls Cena “boy” and claims to take the title at Armageddon.

He eventually gets his shit wrecked all over the ring and then tossed to the floor. Cena decides this isn’t enough and slams him into the announce table as well before pouring beer on him and slamming him into the ring steps a few times. Cena takes the steps and slams Jericho with them into the crowd before holding them overhead like he thinks he’s Hercules. Jericho gets dragged back to the ring. The crowd chants for the FU and Cena delivers a clothesline before putting on a full nelson. Where are all those random refs and trainers? Did they all simultaneously go on break? He tosses Jericho out and puts him in the STFU instead. Jericho passes out and Cena celebrates with Kane watching from the back as we go off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Melina’s impressive return was quite a sight to see. Let’s hope she can keep up that level.

Lowlight of the Night: Pretty pointless and dragging out scene at the end of the show. Really a downer to go out on.

WWE “Creative” Award: A Cody Rhodes/Orton feud is not the stuff of legend.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).