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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (November 2007)

November 05, 2007
November 12, 2007
November 19, 2007
November 26, 2007


So it’s again one of those interesting times where I happened to be in the wrong place at the right time for Cameron to beg me to cover him on Raw tonight.  Thankfully I get to recap Retro Night with DX and Stone Cold which should at least be a little fun in a nostalgic sense while he can suffer through the aftermath of the Monster Mash Battle Royal from last week, mostly vomiting from the fans.  Though I just checked and forgot CM Punk faces John Morrison for the ECW title and well, I got a good feeling we all know how that one will turn out.
Show begins with an “In Memory” message for The Fabulous Moolah who passed away over the weekend.  Say what you will about the last few years with the stuff she did with Mae Young, but she was responsible for putting the women’s division on the map.  I’m sure things like the Diva Search didn’t help her condition.  I just want to be loved (is that so wrong?) and we are LIVE from the City of Angels, Los Angeles.  No time is wasted and DX is out first to their classic entrance.  Trips has a few of those glowsticks which he throws out to the crowd.  You know I was at Dunkin Donuts yesterday and they had a recall on glowsticks they had been giving out because they’re hazardous to small children.  Apparently WWE didn’t get that memo. 
They do their usual promo but just as Trips says “let’s get….” Hornswoggle enters from underneath the ring and well, he IS wearing green!  Hunter tells him to go back under the ring.  HBK pulls out a run sheet for tonight’s show and it mentions DX for the opening segment but not him.  Later on he’s scheduled for the “short segment”.  Hornswoggle doesn’t want to go back underneath because there’s a monster there.  Shawn goes to check and doesn’t see anything but then gets pulled under the ring.  HBK comes back and has a couple worms in his mouth then the Boogeyman comes out.  So we have a recycled gimmick and two gimmicks that miraculously got over despite how stupid they look on paper.  He says, “I’m the Boogeyman and I…want to join DX”.  Trips is about to resume when Great Khali interrupts.  Trips says to join the line and mocks a fake Indian accent then tries again when Coach interrupts.  He says he is shutting down this nonsense right now.  Trips says Coach said something about Khali earlier and whispers it in his interpreter’s ear who tells Khali.  OK so the English is whispered and the Indian is on the microphone?  Khali gives Coach the brain chop and chases him up the ramp.  Shawn asks who writes this stuff and this is the worst debacle since Katie Vick.  Hunter says no one is because the writers are on strike (which is true).  They finally complete their promo.  Later tonight they’ll be facing Orton and Umaga as well as Stone Cold being here tonight.
Tom Green is in the front row as well as Sideshow Luke Perry.  For some reason they show the Diva Battle Royal from last week’s Raw.  Wait a minute!  Why do I have to see Kelly Squared!  This crap is following me around.  Hey look, tonight’s show is sponsored by Clive Barker’s JERICHO.  Oh please let that be a sign.  Beth Phoenix is out for our first match.
Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly (I assume Non title match)
The Glamazon hits a fisherman’s suplex and gets the pin.  I don’t remember if Cameron used it, but I’ll call that move the Phoenix Arizona.  Well that was fun.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Santino is in the back and he has bad news, Stone Cold will not be here tonight.  Gee I don’t think they’ve EVER done that before.  He brought a paper bag so Austin can act his way out of it.
Commercial Comment: A Raw house show is coming to White Plains, just outside New York City.  If I won’t go in the city, you think I’d really go out?
In the continuation of “who gives a crap about the brand extension?” later tonight Jeff Hardy teams with Rey Mysterio to face Finlay and Mister Kennedy.  Carlito is in the ring with a jobber named Joey and he says he won’t be facing Carlito.  Snitsky comes out, now featuring a little facial hair.
Snitsky vs. Joey Jobber
Snitsky hits a pump handle slam and gets the pin.
Winner: Snitsky
Carlito comes in the ring and gets the Hanger Banger to the face then a pump handle slam as well.  How about we call that one the Anakin Annihilator?  They show a package with Jeff Hardy then show him with Rey backstage prepping for their match.  Jeff’s hair makes him look like Billy Gunn.  More like the golden haired warrior tonight.
We come back in mid promo for Mister Kennedy (KENNEDY!) and I would have liked to see the whole thing (THING!).  Finlay is out next then Rey and Hardy for our next match, which thankfully won’t be a squash.  They mention the traditional Survivor Series match, which features 5 random faces and 5 random heels.
Jeff Hardy and Rey Mysterio vs. Mr. Kennedy and Finlay
After some exchanged grapples (as opposed to scrapple which many enjoy for breakfast) Kennedy distracts Hardy from outside and gets knocked to the floor while Finlay clotheslines Jeff over the top and sends this one to commercial.
Commercial Comment: “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” is the gay comedy that came about a decade too late.  Rent it on DVD, and use a time machine and see if anyone laughs 10 years ago.
When we’re back, Mysterio hits a moonsault cross body on Kennedy but then gets taken out by a dropkick.  Finlay tags in and works on Mysterio’s reconstructed knee.  Both of them trade off tags and continue to wear down on Rey but he counters with a wheelbarrow bulldog and tags out to Hardy.  Jeff hits a flying splash in the corner then the Whisper in the Wind but as he goes for the pin, Finlay tosses him out.  Rey knocks Finlay and Kennedy into the ropes.  Finlay goes to the outside and Kennedy gets hit with the 619 and Finlay with the West Coast Pop.  Hardy hits the Swanton on Kennedy and gets the pin.
Winners: Jeff Hardy and Rey Mysterio
Santino is on his cell phone in the back and Maria comes over to tell him that there is a rumor that Stone Cold is here.  He says he is going to the ring to have his moment and the odds that Austin is here are as good as him winning an Oscar.  And the winner for Best Actor is…
They show some footage of Wrestlemania tickets going on sale in Orlando.  I heard they’ve only sold about 2/3 of the tickets so far so umm, get yours now and you too can spend your hard earned money there instead of Disney World or Universal Studios.
You know at this point I’d be done doing the ECW Rant.  Just saying.  Santino is out with Maria and says Austin is like Kobe Bryant.  Bald, popular and doesn’t want to be in LA.  The director of “The Condemned” is in the audience (Scott Wiper, what’s his middle name?  Ass?).  He asks him if he wished the guns during the movie were real so he could blow his brains out.  He says there will be no glass breaking tonight and JR won’t be having an orgasm.  Of course the glass does break, and well I think JR just went to change his pants.  Stone Cold doesn’t like the fact he is being misquoted such as the can of ass whip.  That’s good on chocolate cake.  Austin doesn’t think Santino watched the movie and he says he did.  Santino said he had to vomit because he couldn’t believe how violent it is.  Austin says it’s one thing to come out once, but he’s come out six weeks in a row.  He offers a beer but Santino doesn’t like beer.  Austin offers a copy of the DVD which Santino drops and kicks away.  Stone Cold hits a stunner and says Santino looks thirsty so Stone Cold says he’ll be right back.  As if this wasn’t retro enough tonight, Austin brings in the beer truck and sprays Santino down.  The only funny part of it was it was aimed at the crowd when it turned on and he sprayed a bunch of people in the first few rows.  I’d hate to be the ring cleaner tonight with the worms and the beer.  Maria then ends up being the victim of a beer bath and Santino gets more as well.  If he has the whole damn beer truck, why is he asking for cans to be thrown to him?
After a commercial we see the cryptic message that says “can you break the code” and “the answer is the code” and “the code is the answer”.  Just bring him back already geez!
Vince and Hornswoggle are backstage and Vince gets a jab in on Andy Reid saying he knows a thing or two about parenting.  For some reason the USA logo is green.  Vince says at Survivor Series size will matter when he faces Khali.  Yeah that’ll up the buyrates.
Trips is in the back and he says he’s been asked to kill time because they need to fix the ring after the Austin segment which they actually show.  They introduce the DX dancers and Big Dick Johnson shows up.  I’m eating here!  HBK asks for help because he’s a father and doesn’t know cool anymore.  So Trips brings in The Girls Next Door and not surprisingly King knows their names.
Cody Rhodes is out next with Hardcore Holly.  Harry Smith should take a tip from Cody.  Don’t follow the health regiment of your dad!  Cade and Murdoch are walking in the back and Mickie James stops them to say hi and Cade tells Murdoch to focus.  Actually I think Trevor took Dusty’s health regiment come to think of it.
Cody Rhodes w/ Hardcore Holly vs. Trevor Murdoch w/ Lance Cade
Both guys switch off some attacks until Murdoch puts on a chin lock.  On his feet, he breaks free of a suplex and hits Trevor with a dropkick and then a bulldog.  Cody telegraphs a move (get with the times, use a cell phone!) but manages to still get a sunset flip from the top and the pin.
Winner: Cody Rhodes
JR and King talk about Fabulous Moolah and they show a package of her career.  If you didn’t know she held the women’s title for 28 years, a record that was on the verge of being broken by John Cena.  She was also the first woman to be inducted to the WWE Hall of Fame.  Of course they end up including a bit of the footage with Mae Young.  That was a really well done segment there.
Dusty Hill from ZZ Top and Kamie Kennedy are also here.  Nothing like a bunch of B list celebrities!  Hacksaw and Super Crazy are in the ring trading off HOOOO and SIIIII!  That’s some new dance called the ho-si-ho or something.  Duggan starts a USA chant and I was waiting for a ME-XI-CO chant.  Lawler steals my joke and we got our next match.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team
Benjamin wears down Super Crazy but he counters a suplex to a rollup for a pin.  That was a tag team match why?
Winners: Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy
Commercial Comment: Children singing is bad enough but singing a Poison song?
Umaga and Orton are out followed by DX for our main event.
D-Generation X vs. Randy Orton and Umaga
All four battle in the ring until Orton gets knocked to the outside and Umaga runs at the other two and ends up flying over the top.  HBK dives to the floor on Orton then rams his head into the announce table.  Back in the ring, Orton works his way into control and tags out to Umaga who misses dropping his huge ass on Shawn’s face.  Hunter tags in and hits a DDT.  Trips runs at Umaga and ends up in a sidewalk slam.  Do they even have sidewalks in Samoa?  We go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: Raw’s 15th anniversary is coming up on December 10th with a 3 hour show.  Cue Nelson laugh for Cameron.
Back live, Umaga misses a move in the corner and Orton ends up with Hunter’s boot in his face.  HBK tags in and hits a flying forearm and inverted atomic drop.  He then slams Orton and then hits a savage elbow drop (bad pun I know).  Umaga then interferes and clobbers Shawn with a clothesline.  He then tags in and hits a big headbutt.  Orton tags back and hits a dropkick and gets a two count.  Umaga is in again and splashes on HBK’s back.  Shawn tries to fight back but receives another headbutt.  Umaga then misses from the second rope.  HBK finally tags and so does Umaga and Trips hits the high knee on Orton and the facebuster on Umaga.  He then rams Umaga’s head into the steel post twice.  He hits a spinebuster on Orton and goes for the Pedigree but Umaga takes out Hunter with the Samoan Spike.  Orton goes for the pin but only gets two and tags out again.  Umaga drags Trips to the corner and hits the Ass Crash and knocks HBK off the apron as well.  Umm did anyone notice it’s 11:10?  Hunter hits Umaga with his knees and Orton tags in.  He tries for the RKO but Trips pushes him into Umaga and tags in Michaels who hits Sweet Chin Music and gets the pin.
Winners: DX
Hunter and Shawn celebrate as we go off the air.
Highlight of the Night: I’ll give kudos to WWE for the Moolah tribute as well as the interpromotional tag match.
Lowlight of the Night: Half of the six matches lasted about a minute each and served little to no purpose.
WWE “Creative” Award: Not only do they bring back Austin, they bring back the beer truck too.  Adding DX to the mix didn’t help their reputation.
I'll be back at my usual post next week but in the meantime stay tuned for Cameron's take on ECW tomorrow but until then check out all the other columns over the last few days.  Somewhere we've all died a little inside.  Now hit my music!


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


Last week you were all treated to the double switch up between me and Gershon while I was working on critical computer issues. What we have tonight is the aftermath of last week’s Delorean trip to the past as we head into the big event of Survivor Series. Unlike past events, it’s rumored that this year will be different (It’s not different at all, is it Steve?!) in that the winner actually will “survive” while the loser are all systematically fed to Big Daddy V. True Story.

On another note. Your mother hates you.

Raw 11.12.07

Show opens with a thing for the US veterans, most of whom are missing more parts than those Korean end tables you have to build yourself.

Just to confuse me for which show I’m on, Batista is here is here in the ring. This is kind of like ECW last week. I’m beginning to wonder if there is any possible way to escape Smackdown anymore. Teest says he was invited to take on Raw competition tonight by Regal. I wonder if that competition included a battery of random steroid tests. He says Regal made a huge mistake because he’s a little messed up right now, getting geared up for Hell in a Cell. He decides to break down the statistics (not at all embellished for your entertainment) for the Cell and the rules therein. Batista calls his opponent a victim and has something to say to the Undertaker when the Taker’s music hits. Taker comes down and gets ready for a match while the ref crawls in the ring but Regal comes down to say he invited them both but not to face each other. Tonight they tag team against the finest tag team on Raw…Cade and Murdoch. Wow. That was kind of like being presented with a brick of gold only to find out it was Gold foil wrapped around a turd.

World Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch vs. World Heavyweight Champion Batista & The Undertaker (Non-title Match)

Cade starts off with Taker since he has nothing to live for. Taker smacks him around before Batista tags himself in and starts crushing Cade in the corner. Cade manages to sling Batista shoulder first to the corner and tag in Murdoch. Murdoch manages to pick up a two count and tag back out. Cade drops Murdoch onto Batista for the two count. Batista battles back but Cade cuts him off only to eat a spine buster. Taker tags himself in and goes for the choke slam on Cade. Murdoch breaks up the pin and Batista spears him. Takes cuts his throat and subsequently bleeds to death on the mat. Oh, he also delivers a tombstone to Cade for three.

Winners: Taker & Batista

We get a run down of Michael Orton using the magic of video games before going to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What in the fuck do Sonic, Mario and The Final Countdown have to do with each other?

Back to the show where they replay Stone Cold spraying down Moralla. And now to ringside with Beth Phoenix, and the GRAND news of a 10 Diva Battle Royal at Survivor Series, featuring…Kelly Kelly and other bitches you don’t care about. Maria comes down wearing an outfit she seems to have stolen from Mork of Mork and Mindy.

Maria vs. Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix (Non-title Match)

Maria gets slammed face first to the mat easily and tries to force Beth to the corner where she chokes her out with a boot only to be tossed down into the splits. Maria tries a handstand head scissors, but Beth catches her into a cradle underhook slam and finishes with the Phoenix Arizona for three. Winner: Phoenix

Moralla comes out all pissed only to say Maria will be fine and going into a rant about Stone Cold. Somebody must have turned his M upside down. This is more like Santino Woralla. Moralla demands an apology for Stone Cold’s actions but since Steve is busy banging a hooker right now while doing shots off some poor person’s back, he no shows. He goes down to demand the apology from JR instead but King rises up to defend the maiden’s honor. Moralla invites him in the ring and offers him the first shot which absolutely levels him. Moralla runs away crying. I thought that was baby Mario’s job. That little bastard always pissed me off. If I had been Yoshi I would have let Bowser’s minions eat him or whatever the hell their motivation was.

Random Commercial Thought: Will Smith is the last man on earth. We’re doomed.

Back to the show. Replay of the announcement for the stipulations for the Michaels/Orton match. In case you forgot this is Raw…here’s Matt Hardy….What the fuck? He’s followed by his tag partner….Rey Mysterio. Ok I’m pretty sure it isn’t my job to recap these chumps. Where’s Anthony Dean when I need him? Jeff is out next to team with them as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Evil never dies, it just gets flesh wounds.

Back to the show where they run a Classic Survivor Series Moment and Kennedy, MVP and Finlay are revealed to be the opponents for our tag match.

Finlay, WWE Tag Team Champion MVP & Ken Kennedy vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy, WWE Champion Matt Hardy & Rey Mysterio

Finlay starts us off with Hardy who trash talks and shoves Finlay to the corner. Finlay holds him off and walks around the ring before a tie up. Finlay knocks Matt flat after blocking a hip toss and tags in Kennedy (Kennedy). Matt tries to fight off MVP when he tags in but MVP backs off and tags Kennedy back in to avoid the confrontation. Matt seems to be practicing drunken kung fu with the amount of misses here. Kennedy finally stomps him down to the ground, but Matt comes back with a cross body. A hip toss actually works this time (Hip Tosses Don’t Lie). Finlay tries to come in as Matt fights him off but Kennedy gets him from behind and sends Matt to the floor. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Why should I watch Grendel’s Mother? Because it’s Angelina Jolie naked I guess.

Back to the show where Matt is in a headlock from Kennedy on the ground (take a shot). Matt breaks free and makes the tag to Mysterio. Mysterio and Finlay are in and Mysterio quickly dropkicks Finlay for two. Finlay comes back, dodging a cross body and hitting his own dropkick for two. MVP is in and starts stomping Rey into the floor, dropping a knee for two. MCP puts him in an abdominal stretch and Finlay tags back in and stomps Rey around, cheap shotting Jeff on the apron who leaps into the ring before the ref drags him back. Kennedy tags in and puts Rey in a backbreaker. Rey escapes and tries to get the tag but he’s drug back by his pants. MVP is back in but a bear hug fails because he’s not a giant sweaty black guy. Rey lands a DDT and tags in Jeff who assaults MVP and the others on the apron. Whisper in the wind crushes MVP but Kennedy breaks the cover at two.. MVP and Kennedy gets set up of a double 619 (619 Squared?) and MVP takes a Swanton for three. Matt did diddly shit. Winners: Mysterio & The Hardys

Elsewhere in the back is Vince McMahon walking through an oddly red lit hallway (must be where the hooker’s dressing rooms are). Save Us video airs. X+1=Y and in Six days we’ll Break the Walls. Oh my God who could it be?!

Random Commercial Thought: PS3 - Please buy us….please?

Back to the show where Vinnie is in the ring to moderate the face to face confrontation between Michaels and Orton (Fear the McMahon B& Hammer). Michaels is introduced first. Michaels points out this kid who will forever be a virgin as he’s taken off his shirt and painted HBK on his chest (probably did it to hide his third nipple). Vince introduces Orton more enthusiastically. Orton and Michaels decide to have an internet argument seemingly (Simpson’s did it! Photoshop!). Michaels points out Orton banned the kick because he couldn’t avoid it. HBK says he wants Orton to keep thinking the kick is his only weapon. He says if he hits the kick he can beat anybody (or if Vince just has them ring the bell. That works too). Michaels says it might all just have been luck. He says he could possibly win with a wrestling move or a submission hold, wondering if he’s technically sound (coughsharpshootercough). He asks Randy how it will feel to lose to Shawn when he doesn’t even have the super kick. Orton threatens to beat down Shawn’s family and McMahon holds Michaels back who shoves him back. He goes for a super kick but Orton chop blocks him from behind. McMahon stops the soccer kick (does that mean twelve year old are deadly?) But the RKO is apparently okay.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the fuck would I even WANT three thousand dollars in Taco Tico food?

Back to the show. In case you needed some torture tonight it’s time for a match featuring Kelly Kelly.

Melina, Layla & Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James, Kelly Kelly & Michelle McCool

Melina starts off with Michelle McCool in an arm wrench but she backflips out of it and tags in Kelly Kelly. Kelly comes off the top with an aze handle to the arm. Melina shrugs it off and slaps Kelly around, dragging her to the other corner to tag in Jillian Hall. Jillan bombs a cartwheel splash and Kelly fights her off with a forearm to tag in Mickie. Mickie hits a clothesline and. Mickie knocks Layla off the apron and stunners Melina with the top rope. Layla makes a blind tag to Jillian disallowing the pin Mickie tries after a neck breaker on her. Layla sneak attacks but Mickie makes out with her (What is she, Rogue from X-men?) and hit’s a spinning kick to the head for three.

Winners: Mickie, Kelly and Michelle

King’s music plays so he can get ready for his “match” with Moralla and we can go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Another NOW CD means its time for Kids Bop to rape it.

Back to the show where it’s another Survivor Series moment followed by a Snitsky promo because obviously it’s still relevant. Hey, remember Numa Numa?!

And here is Santino. What is with that sports jacket? After he gets done with Mario does he play Track & Field or something?

Jerry the King Lawler vs. Santino Moralla (Why the Fuck Am I Watching This? Match)

King decides that even though he didn’t bring wrestling gear we still need to see him shirtless. Grand. Lawler gets forced to the ropes and Moralla starts to wail on him. King sells it like a mannequin. King tosses Santino to the corner and comes running at him with a fist only to eat a boot. Santino shuts Lawler down on the mat and tells JR to watch what he’s about to do but Lawler apparently had two Smackdown Icons and steals Moralla’s finisher to win the match with a rollup.

Winner: King King comes back to the announce table to talk about Kelly Kelly as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Nothing will keep them from selling these cars (maybe AIDS…maybe).

Back to the show. As they talk about being in my state capital Jericho decides to interrupt with his viral campaign because obviously my state isn’t important. The count down has switch to five days and several hours. King says he’s cracked the code. We are now sent to watch a video filmed while the arena was empty having Regal train Hornswoggle that has Coach dressing up as the Great Khali in a wig with a fat white guy as Arab Bischoff (Triple H Approved). Coach refuses to wear the wig but Regal makes him wear it. Hearing Chubby McWhiterton imitate Arab Bischoff. Regal tells Coach he’s a huge worthless dummy for this exercise and White Arab Bischoff continues to do a Xena Warrior Princess cry. After the “Match” starts Coach tells Hornswoggle to stop kicking him in the knee and gets biting so he approaches Regal, who pushes him over a lying down midget. Horny pantses him and hit’s a top rope splash for three.

Off to the back where Hunter says he’s going o write the final chapter in the saga between him and Umaga and starts to sound like after a while he’s going to scream his name is Beowulf as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish Angelina Jolie would really disappear like that.

We get to see a Survivor Series moment set to cartoon sound effects of Jerry and his midgets (Jerry’s kids?) against Doink’s midget clown brigade. I like how a certain Turkey has yet to appear in any of these. Speaking of Turkey’s here’s Triple H for his Lumberjack match. The Hardys, Mysterio and Kane are his Lumberjacks while Umaga will be having his Survivor Series Team as his as well with Stryker. For some reason Rey is wearing a Hardy t-shirt.

Umaga vs. Triple H (Lumberjack Match)

Umaga attacks from behind while the lumberjacks distract hunter, allowing him to get in a few good shots. Trips gets sent to the floor but decks Stryker when he makes a run at him. Umaga is sent over the top rope when Trips pulls the rope down but the heels protect him until Trips flies off the apron into them. Umaga eats steps and back in the ring Trips goes for the Pedigree. Umaga back body drops him to the floor where the heels pounce only to be run off by team Trips as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Dr. Steve-O has amazingly not been sued for malpractice yet.

Back to the show where Umaga and Trips are wailing on each other. Hunter is sent to the corner where Umaga runs in and crushes him, delivering a swinging slam to crush him completely. Umaga bounces up from the middle rope into a senton drop on the midsection. Trips rolls to the other side to conveniently set himself up for another like a dumb ass. Umaga wails on Trips and distracts the ref while Finlay and MVP beat him in the face from the outside. Umaga picks up two off of a running splash. You know, Umaga kicking Hunter in the back of the head makes me think. Do they not know what shoes are in Samoa? Why doesn’t anyone ever stomp Umaga’s toes? Umaga eats a cheap blow, but when Hunter tries to pick him up, her gets crushed under his weight for two. Nerve hold!

Did you take a break? Good.

Umaga breaks the hold himself with a strikes and beats Trips into the ropes before going back to the nerve hold. Triple H fights free but a heavy uppercut sends him to the corner where Umaga beats him down. Umaga distracts the ref and Kennedy chokes Trips from behind in the corner until the useless faces drive him off. Umaga misses the ass crash and a corner splash as well. Trips slings him face first into another post and nails a DDT for two. Trips goes for the Pedigree but it’s countered into a Samoan drop. Trips ducks the Samoan Spike, but when he goes for another Pedigree, Finlay comes in for the DQ.

Winner: Trips

After the match everyone floods the ring as we go off the air.

Highlight of the Night: White Arab Bischoff is the greatest manager of all time.

Lowlight of the Night: Badly planned Lumberjack match that just came off as needless and boring.

WWE “Creative” Award: “Uh well, we don’t really have anything planned tonight so…just throw on a bunch of people from all the shows and have King wrestle.”


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


Are you ready? Tonight we will be saved. That’s right, it’s the second coming everyone has been waiting for (except the Jews, they’re still hung up on the first one). Tonight on Raw we will be witness to the return of an icon in entertainment. You heard me. It’s the return of the one and only Elvis. We’ll just have to wait for the aliens to drop him off first on their way by.

In other news, despite appearing in all the ads for Survivor Series, JR calls Edge’s return last night “shocking”. I’m sure it was also the greatest night in the history of Sports Entertainment as well though he probably added a lot more references to mules and BBQ sauce when he said it. True story.

Raw 11.19.07

Show opens with some kind of gay Olympic torch run in the street and then we go to the theme. Oookaaay…..? We got us some pyro and out comes Shawn Michaels to give us his thoughts on the match. Maybe he could offer us an explanation for that ridiculous hat as well which all but cemented his spot as the wrestler who most resembles a Chippendale dancer. Michaels says the best man won last night and invites Orton to the ring who appears on the titantron all busted up saying he got kicked last night and isn’t falling for it. Michaels admit he was going to kick him again and wasn’t going to do it until after he challenged him to a rematch. Orton tells him to save the energy and that Shawn is more interested in ending his career than having a match. He talks about him being a better man than Cena, Hunter and Michaels and claims he took out Cena and not Kennedy. Orton says the runner is symbolizing the passing of the torch to him. Kennedy comes out after Orton shuts up but when he reaches for his microphone, Shawn punches him in the face and clotheslines Kennedy to the floor. It isn’t until Kennedy throws Shawn into the ring post that he gets a microphone and demands his own turn for the title.

Michaels drags Kennedy to the floor and clotheslines him, demanding a match afterward. Kennedy lists that all the things Shawn is known for is losing, including his smile. HA! How do you lose that anyway? Where does it go? On vacation? How do you talk? Regal comes out and demands a ref to start the match right now as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Who needs to watch ELF uncut?

Back to the show where the match hasn’t started yet as Kennedy and Michaels are rolling down the ring ramp and pounding each other all around ringside. Michaels finally tosses Kennedy into the ring, but Kennedy escapes to keep the match from starting. The fight spills into the crowd and at times the strikes look more like a sissy slap fight. Kennedy sends Michaels back in and takes him to the announce time where Michaels tosses him onto it. They actually end up fighting while in the announce chairs. Kennedy rams Shawn into the edge of the ring and gets yelled at for the ref. Kennedy grabs a chair but Michaels super kicks it into his face. Apparently the sound guy decided to say “Fuck it” and plays Michaels music despite the match never happening.

Random Commercial Thought: I Am Legend is about vampires. Seriously. Read the book.

Back to the show. We get a replay of Lawler/Moralla in more ways in one as we decide to have the match again. Probably just to piss me off.

Jerry the King Lawler vs. Santino Moralla

Santino takes a dropkick early but quickly regains the advantage, shoulder ramming Lawler in the corner. He whips Lawler to another corner and runs in with a shoulder charge. He even takes a nice bow for it. Morella slings Jerry shoulder first to the ring post. After grounding Lawler for a bit Santino goes to ringside to make fun of JR and King while wearing the crown. He lists all the kinds of puppies he likes. Lawler finally climbs up and clubs Santino in the face. A stiff hip lock take over follows before Moralla starts to work Lawler’s arm. Lawler blocks a hip toss and uses a slow ass backslide for three. Winner: Lawler

After the match Randy Orton RKOs Lawler for seemingly no reason. That was fun. We get an update on the location of Orton’s runner who is coming from Miami to Fort Lauderdale. He’s apparently just passing the Survivor Series arena. Orton says some more things but all I hear is “BLAH BLAH BLAH I’m not Jericho so no one cares BLAH BLAH BLAH.” Damn that runner is fast though. You’d almost think his run wasn’t live!….nah.

Random Commercial Thought: Rock Band. Guitar Hero for people friends who have as little of a life as they do.

Back to the show. Kennedy is interviewed about being kicked and oddly for someone with a sore jaw he’s still chewing his gum. For some reason Father Time wants to kick Michaels’ ass according to Kennedy. I guess that means Father Time and God aren’t on the same page. We go straight from this to a replay of Hornswaggle ripping off every gimmick he possibly can and being rescued by Finlay. Vince asks for Regal and Coach for their favorite moments at Survivor Series. Regal’s favorite was watching Horny’s little legs working. Coach and Regal continue to laugh at Hornswoggle’s expense while Vince looks more and more pissed. Carlito comes along and Vince starts asking him how tough he is, asking if he’d take on Horny next. Vince makes it Carlito against Hornswoggle and Carlito agrees it, laughing his ass off. Vince isn’t laughing and everyone stops after Carlito leaves. Aawwwkwaaard.

Back to ringside for Jeff Hardy who will take on Umaga as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Sonic looks like he’s been packing away too many chili dogs.

Back to the show where JR calls Umaga a Samoan Mountain, you know, just with less goats.

Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga (Non-title Match)

Hardy starts off on Umaga, sending him to the floor quickly. The fight spills back into the ring, where Hardy tries out a sunset flip and ends up having to dodge a senton instead. Hardy hits a low dropkick on the sitting Umaga for one when he gets thrown off. Umaga gains the advantage and puts Hardy into a nerve hold, but when Hardy tires to escape his rainbow hair betrays him, getting him dragged down to the mat. Let that be a lesson folks. Never go to the gay pride barber. Their hair is inherently evil. I read it in the Bible.

Back to the nerve hold. Umaga forces Hardy into the corner and bombs a corner charge, hitting the ring post with his shoulder. Hardy follows with a DDT and signals to go up top but Umaga comes from behind to send him to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If there’s no country for Old Men does that mean we’re going to start shooting people when they turn thirty now?

Back to the match. During the break Hardy took a flapjack and is yet again in the nerve hold of doom. Hardy attempts the EXACT same thing Triple H did last week in this situation in scoop slamming Umaga, and he manages to get him up but of course, Umaga’s fat ass falls right on him for two. Nerve holds again. We should be taking shots for this thing. Umaga slings Jeff to the match and drops a knee on his face. Dragging Hardy up, Umaga starts to lay in with heavy kicks to the stomach and chest before finishing with a wheel kick. At least he actually left the ground unlike Viscera. Umaga picks up double two counts. Hardy rallies back and manages to climb to the top only to leap off into Umaga’s arms. Umaga hit’s a huge spinout side slam but manages only to get two still. The crowd rallies for Hardy as he takes a senton and a knee lift. Umaga goes up and misses the head butt. I guarantee if he kills his family it will hit next time. Umaga and Hardy are up but Umaga uppercuts him right to the corner where the ref has to pull him off. The Ass Crash misses and Whisper in the wind follows. JR still can’t stop calling it the Twist of Fat….I mean Fate. It gets two.

Hardy and Umaga start to brawl and Hardy comes off the ropes with flying forearms only to have the Twist of Fate reversed. He tries to catch Umaga in the corner with a kick, but it’s caught. The mule kick fails entirely but a dodge allows Umaga to knock himself down. Umaga rolls out of the way of a Swanton Bomb and crushes Hardy with a Samoan Drop before signaling the thumb. Hardy ducks and hits the Twist of Fate. Umaga rolls to the floor and Hardy is over the top to crush him to the floor. Jeff rallies up the crowd as the ref starts to count Umaga out and….we completely ruin the match by having a penis attack. Oh wait, that’s Snitsky.

Winner: Hardy

Snitsky attacks but when he lifts Hardy up, he escapes and sends him to the corner, pounding Snitsky into the ropes until Umaga comes back to clothesline him. They toss Hardy to the floor but Trips’ music plays. Snitsky eats a clothesline and Trips and Umaga begin to brawl. Umaga misses a corner charge and eats a spine buster which for some reason always causes Trips’ shirt to fly off immediately afterward. Snitsky tries to attack after Umaga is sent to the floor but he eats a facebuster and then the floor for his trouble. Jeff and Trips celebrate afterward. You know, this is kind of like Team Fortress 2. Only it has…actually no. It’s nothing like that.

And after that random aside, we get a pimping of the Torch ceremony interrupted by a video asking us if we broke the code. I unfortunately left my Little Orphan Annie decoder ring at a friend’s house.

Random Commercial Thought: Throw your cell phone at guys with guns. Trust me.

Back to the replay of what just happened and after Jeff and Trips talk silently, we come to Tard asking Trips about why he helped. Trips says everybody gets one. Oh wait, that was Spiderman. Trips says it was because he has to prove who the real bad ass is. He then talks about Tard dating Transvestites. Wow. Just…wow.

Back to ringside with Hardcore Holly. Damn, looks like I have suddenly contracted a tumor.

Cody Rhodes vs. Hardcore Holly (Best of Infinity Series)

Wow, been here seen this. Holly and Cody trade swift shots and quick pins before ending up in each others faces. Holly scoop slams Cody twice to prove a point. I’m not sure what that point is. Maybe that he’s old and never learned any newer moves? Somewhere along the line, Cody gets scooped into an Alabama slam, but he slips out and manages to catch Holly with a DDT for the win finally. Good for him.

Winner: Rhodes

After the match its another RKO for Mr. Rhodes. Yay! He says he knows he isn’t supposed to be here then it’s an RKO for Holly too. Wow, that was fun. The runner is here and he says it is a matter of time before he gets the respect he deserves. He didn’t say how MUCH time though.

Random Commercial Thought: I hate people who eat sandwiches too. Bitches.

Back to the show. I sort of passed out for a while during the recap segments, but I’m sure it was about as important as the first person who fucked the forty year old hooker. Vince has Finlay in the back and tries to share their Irish heritage but Finlay wants to know where he was really born. Finlay offers to by him hot milk and then claims to be joking. For some reason, this leads to another commercial break. The writers really are on strike!

Random Commercial Thought: Beware the Mist. It will The Fog up your glasses.

Back to the show. We have a video for Ric Flair going to be on Raw next week. I assume they plan to wheel him in. Melina and Jillian Hall are here to wrestle. Luckily they didn’t bring a copy of Singstar with them. Jillian gets a chance to get on the microphone and pimps herself to some producer or something and sings what I can only assume was some sort of Mexican song. My. God. This bit is going on forever. JR even asks her to shut up. Could somebody please kill me? Mickie and Maria FINALLY come out to save us (Take that Jericho).

Melina & Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James & Maria

Melina starts off with Maria who takes a pretty good beating but escapes to make the tag. Jillian tags in as well and ends up clobbering Melina by mistake when Mickie dodges. Mickie goes on to nail a hangman’s neck breaker but only picks up two. Melina tries to stop as Mickie gets in a head scissors, but Maria trips her from the outside, allowing Mickie James to roll Jillian up for another two. Jillian grabs Mickie and uh…smothers her with her chest? Okay I guess. Mickie counters this with a low kick and a make out session into the roundhouse to the face for the three.

Winners: Mickie & Maria

Random Commercial Thought: Who cares about the Writer’s Strike? It doesn’t matter what channel we tune in to. It will be Law and Order anyway.

Back to the show where Hornswoggle is here for what is now a No DQ match.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Hornswoggle McMahon (No DQ Match)

Carlito taunts Hornswoggle by pretending to do a test of strength, before dropping to his knees to do it. That sounded dirty. Horny gooses him and bitchslaps Carlito, diving behind the ref to block Carlito’s assault…in a No DQ match? Hornswoggle kidnaps JR’s hat and gives it to Jillian, running around the ring while Carlito chases him. Carlito stops from chasing him under the ring instead, getting back in. He quietly walks over like fucking Elmer Fudd to the other side, checking under. Hornswoggle comes out the other side with a bucker of water. As Carlito looks under the ring, he comes out and gets the water, falling down in it. God. Carlito catches Horny in a cross body and tosses him in the ring, preparing to spit the apple when Finlay arrives. Finlay gets the apple, but he crushes Carlito for Horny to pin him.

Winner: Hornswoggle

Post match, the runner is heading in as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Live Free or Die Hard…or die tryin’.

Back to the show. Orton introduces out runner after talking about how awesome he is. He goes on to say that he deserves this and the runner is clotheslined by a short haired Chris Jericho. The code video plays as they finally reveal the solution to be OMG RLY?! Y2J of course. The countdown begins and pyro into Break the Walls Down. Jericho arrives, wearing a vest he stole from Elton John. King calls it the Jericode. Jericho uses up every single euphemism he can find, saying that Raw is Jericho once again. Orton says the last time he saw him, he was fired and if he had stayed it would have been a matter of time before he kicked him in the had to end his career. Orton asks what he’s saving us from. Jericho says it’s his boring personality. THANK GOD. Second comes his frying panned face and robotic voice. Several other…interesting things we are being saved from. Best promo of the year? Probably.

Lowlight of the Night: Cody/Holly. Yeah I needed that match like inoperable dick cancer.

Highlight of the Night: What are you stupid? Jericho is back.

WWE “Creative” Award: Hornswoggle and Finlay continue to pointlessly bury wrestlers. Oh yay.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Welcome back. He is here to save us all, he didn’t even wear sandals. At least we don’t have to wash his feet in that case I guess. The second coming of Y2J happened and now we get go through to the backlash of it tonight. In other news, Rick Flair is in his hometown tonight for a big announcement and in case WWE has pounded this hint into your head OH MY GOD HE MIGHT RETIRE. We can only hope. Gone would be the days of Jell-O wrestling around in the ring. Which I would gladly thank Jericho from saving me from if he’d get off his ass and do something about it.

Raw 11.26.07

We open with a recap of Jericho before going to theme and pyro. Straight off to ringside for Triple H and Hardy in their tag match against two really huge guys that we should fear. And in Snitsky’s case I really do fear him. I mean, I have nightmares of that acne ridden chest sometimes. It looks like the fucking surface of Mars.

Triple H & Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Gene Snitsky & Umaga

Hardy starts off with Snitsky. Snitsky tosses him right off like a gnat, probably as Gershon pointed out, he thinks that towel is used toilet paper. Hardy admits he is useless trash and turns the match over to Triple H to handle. Why bother to try when you can have Hunter screw them over with his vortex of burial? Trips gets powered into the corner but powers back and forces Snitsky to his knees, working over the arm and tagging in Hardy. Hardy comes off the ropes on the arm as they tell us Snitsky has never been pinned ever. CoughBULLSHITcough. Apparently when he had a Gene in front of his name he counted as a different person. Snitsky and Umaga are sent to the floor as Hardy tricks them over the ropes. He tries to leap off at them, but is caught until Triple H dives into the group as well as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish liking wrestling really did attract smoking hot bikini gals.

Back to the show where Hardy and Umaga are in the ring. Umaga slams Hardy around like a rag doll and crushes him to the mat before tugging Snitsky in. Snitsky puts him in a double under hook that looks so lazily applied that viscera could claim to have slipped out of it in an agile manner. Snitsky hammers Hardy back to the ground and Umaga comes back for a nerve hold, the Orton-lock of Samoans. Snitsky comes back in and gets dropkicked into the corner by Hardy in the ass. Snitsky drags Hardy from a tag but a mule kick allows Hardy to make it anyway. Triple H crushes Umaga and Snitsky with offense, setting up for a pedigree on Umaga after the face buster. Snitsky treis the Hanger Banger but misses when Trips ducks. Triple H tosses Umaga aside and tries the pedigree on Snitsky but he gets caught by a kick from Umaga. Snitsky and Trips fall to the floor and brawl while Umaga crushes Hardy. Triple H tosses Snitsky into the crowd then pulls Hardy from an Ass Crash. Hardy hits a whisper in the wing which is followed by a pedigree and then a swanton bomb.

Winners: Hunter and Hardy After the match Regal comes down to make it Hardy vs. Trips at Armageddon and we see Ric Flair heading out of his limo, because he’s not allowed to fly anymore. Not after the entire flight crew slapped him with paternity suits. Yes, that includes the pilot. Don’t ask.

Random Commercial Thought: Next time you go to the drive through, order your food like Screaming Jay Hawkins.

Back to the show. Oh shit. The anniversary is coming up. I need to come down with Leukemia fast. Flair is here in his pinstripes and his face that was crafted from worn leather stripped directly off of King Tut’s hide. True Story. Ric says people are wondering why he chose here and it’s because they’ve been so good to him. He must be confused between “being good” and “getting his ass beat” every time he’s here. He says his career cant go on forever (you could have fooled me). He goes on to finally say he will NEVER retire and does a dance. Fuck me. He tells us there’s too much juice left, but sure as hell probably isn’t in his scrotum.


Anyway, Vince comes down applauding. Vince says that he was going for a second (where? To hell?) during that but now he guarantees that Flair’s career will go on forever as long as he keeps winning, but guarantees that the next loss he suffers will end his career completely. He wishes him good luck and a happy few more trips around the sun if he’s lucky. Vince starts to leave when Orton arrives to show that pinstripes do work better on gay guys. Who knew? Orton thanks him for being a legend and helping him and for the honor of ending his career. Vince then announces their match tonight and Orton thanks him again.

Random Comemrcial Thought: I need a giant robot to protect me.

Back to the show. Clusterfuck time!

Super Crazy, Cody Rhodes, Hardcore Holly & Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. World Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch & The Highlanders

I have no idea what’s going on. Rory starts off with Supercrazy and reverses an arm wrench on him until Crazy tags into Hacksaw. Hacksaw beats Rory a bit, but Cade tags in to turn the tides. Cody Rhodes is in and brawls with Cade, who easily holds him off until he finally gains the advantage and Robbie and Holly are in. For some reason then everyone pours into the ring like Mexicans to Wal-mart and they all spill to the floor, leaving Robbie to eat and Alabama Slam. Well that was quick.

Winners: Rhodes, Holly, Crazy and Duggan.

Random Commercial Thought: Some of us get toys for Christmas. The rest of us get fucking underwear!

Back to the show where Tard is asking Jeff about the BLOCKBUSTER announcement for Armageddon and by Blockbuster, I mean Hollywood Video. Hardy goes on to say it’s an honor to face the Game at Armageddon and then says he hopes it doesn’t get into the way of their friendship. Trips shows up to say he isn’t his friend or partner. He’ll be in the ring with the Game. Unfortunately that game is E.T. for the Atari 2600. Good luck.

We have a recap of Michaels beating up Kennedy and Kennedy is in the back to talk about the Michaels merch and DVD coming out tomorrow. How do you pimp something for the guy you hate? He says it shows how he turned on every partner he ever had and shows ever loss for every major match he was ever in. He says not only is he good at losing matches he’s good at losing smiles. Eventually Wal-mart came along and picked up, giving Michaels’ smile a job as a mascot. He says we also get to see Shawn whining, complaining and using politics to maintain his main event status. Whoa. That one actually happened. Kennedy goes on to talk about what he will do to Shawn before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: PS3. Where we cant even outsell our last console we are THAT awesome.

Back to the show where Flair is talking to two fat men who seem to have eaten Barry Windham and Arn Anderson about his match. It’s off to ringside for Jericho to arrive, thankfully sans the rhinestone shirt. He says the 2nd coming of Y2J is here. Though I suppose each of these can’t really be second comings. Does that make this his third? Will it keep getting higher? He says he’s here to save us and be the new champion and he wants a title match. He says everyone knows he wants one, everyone but Randy Orton who hasn’t answered him all week, accusing him of being a spineless jellyfish but realizing he was just too stupid to realize he wanted the show, so he’ll be asking slowly with small words. He’s Ortonizing it which means he added a bunch of headlocks I suppose. “Me want Title Match.” He even brings visual aids on the titantron to each word with his picture, cookie monster, the belt and a lit match. I am not officially laughing my ass off. Santino Moralla comes out in response to say Chris has a Lindsey Lohan haircut. Jericho says he doesn’t know who he is, saying he even knows the popcorn guy.

Santino and Chris fight about his name pronunciation before Santino says he didn’t deserve an answer from Orton and he could beat him himself right now and Jericho says ok. Santino says he needs to get ready first but he’ll leave him with something first, diving over the announce table and pummeling the hell out of King. Well, somebody had to do it.

Random Commercial Thought: This is the pen that allows you to write things to transfer your illegible handwriting to a computer so everyone else can enjoy having trouble reading what you wrote when you could have just fucking typed it up more easily.

Back To the show where Santino is getting into the ring.

Chris Jericho vs. Santino Moralla

Jericho starts off strong, chopping Santino across the ring, hitting a stalling vertical suplex. Santino takes a cheap snap to the throat on Jericho but Chris thumbs him in the eye in return and back tosses Santino to the apron. The springboard dropkick sends Santino to the floor. Santino makes a run for it to the crowd but Jericho follows him and drags him back, clubbing him in the kidneys. After he puts his kidneys back in, Santino crawls back into the ring to get punches a lot more. Jericho misses a dropkick. Santino drops an elbow and rolls Jericho for three. A back suplex follows and gets Moralla a one count. Half Nelson is applied which I haven’t in a long time. Jericho works out and quite suddenly bashes Moralla in the face with both knees at once, dropping Santino like a rock for three.

Winner: Jericho

Post match, Jericho invites King in to kick Santino’s ass while he runs commentary for it. Elsewhere in the back Shawn Michaels looks like he’s some kind of cowboy lawyer as he compliments Flair and they share some kind of creepy intimate moment that looks more like it belongs on Bravo. Shawn says Orton can’t beat the man tonight and in the worst case scenario Flair will go out in a blaze of glory. Shawn looks sad after he leaves though, aaaaww. Gershon pointed out that if Flair has a new shirt on he’s not retiring.

Random Commercial Thought: Should fat ass Peter Griffon be advertising for Subway?

Back to the show where Kennedy is crawling into the ring with Kendrick.

Brian Kendrick vs. Ken Kennedy

Kendrick gets tossed out of a tie up and backslapped. Kennedy grabs him by the throat by Kendrick dropkicks him. Kennedy pops back up and runs Kendrick right back over. Kendrick gets hung up on the bottom rope with a slingshot. A slopping reverse Russian Legsweep picks up the three.

Winner: Kennedy…Kennedy

I guess London saw that squash coming and decided to hang back while Kendrick got owned. After the match Kennedy grabs the microphone saying that was a small sample of what will happen at Armageddon. We then have to see Vickie Guererro make out with Edge. Fuck.

Random Commercial Thought: 80’s were the shiznit.

Back to the show where Vince talks to his leprechaun about how lucky he’s been recently and that Finlay and Khali should wrestle at Armageddon. He sends Hornswoggle out and gets on a walkie talkie to say Mr. Rogers left the neighborhood despite being dead. Horny is lured into a locker room by treats (Oo! A piece of candy!) and goes in to be locked in by Carlito. Hornswoggle paints a tunnel onto the wall with a spray can and then runs through it somehow…..okay….And then Carlito stares at it in amazement before trying himself and knocking himself out. Ron Simmons decides to make an appearance for his paycheck as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t need you Father Christmas. I’ll make my own holiday with hookers and black jack.

Back to the show where Beth Phoenix is here to watch the number one contender’s match for her title that no one cares about.

Mickie James vs. Melina (#1 Contender’s Match)

Mickie and Melina tie up and Melina starts jerking her around by her hair. Melina crawls up the turnbuckle with Mickie’s hair still in tow, but Mickie lifts her up and chucks her right across the ring. Mickie tackles and pummels Melina until Melina manages a roll up for two. Mickie gets forced to the corner where she lands the Mickiecanrana and finishes with a huge DDT for the three.

Winner: Mickie James

The Glamazon, who I can only assume hails from somewhere in the Glamazon Jungle. It’s really easy to find, it’s the one with rhinestones all over the trees and the Bratz dolls growing like fruit on the branches.. Beth doesn’t looks worried at ringside. Elsewhere in the back Ric gets a small pep talk from trips before walking down a hallway of superstars that looks more like it was set up for one of those Klignon rights to manhood ceremonies.

Random Commercial Thought: Could somebody please succeed in assassinating the King? Oh they meant the BURGER King? Never mind.

Back to the show. Randy Orton is here to end Flair’s career with HEADLOCKS. I can only assume he plans to bore him into retirement.

Ric Flair vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton (Non-title/Retirement Match)

Flair starts off hard and fast. Well, fast for Ric Flair anyway. He chops Orton into the corner and shuts him down before dragging him to another corner. Orton escapes and pummels Flair right into the mat. Flair uses an inside cradle to get two, but Orton kicks out and starts punching him into the ropes. Flair is held up by the ropes before Orton finally flattens him with a right and starts going into the stalking stomps. Orton bombs the knee drop and Flair chops at him before running into a dropkick for two. With the way his hair looks now, Flair looks like Mr. Magorium. Orton drags him up for another dropkick for another two. Orton lock. Flair brunches free and chops Orton only to get clotheslined to the floor. King says he’ll lose the title by count out, then corrects himself to career, because I was about to say that would be the title of Oldest piece of leather still wrestling. Flair takes a suplex on the floor and Orton celebrates the count out as Flair tries to recover.

Flair manages to roll back in but Orton uses a leg drop on him for two. Orton lock. Flair manages a back suplex out of the Orton lock. Orton tries an RKO but gets thrown off, bouncing into a chop. Orton chops him more and goes to a chop block on the leg. Flair starts to snipe the knee. Flair cant really get Orton up into a knee breaker. Figure Four follows. Orton grabs the ropes and Flair drags him away to try the Figure Four again. Flair eats an Rko for his trouble but manages to get the rope. Orton pounds him and knees him in the face, mounting up and clobbering him some more. Orton puts Flair in a neck vice, dragging him around before Jericho comes along to distract the ref. Flair low blows Orton and rolls him up for three.

Winner: Flair

Jericho and Flair celebrate as Flair actually manages to leave his hometown for once without a serious butt kicking.

Highlight of the Night: Santino and Jericho cut great promos to make think maybe not all is hopeless in the WWE.

Lowlight of the Night: Bait and switch with Ric Flair. I’d much rather he quit since he’s not even ahead anymore.

WWE “Creative” Award: Wile E. Coyote should never be allowed to write wrestling backstage segments. Ever.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).