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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (November 2006)

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WWE RAW RANT: (11/06/06) By Gershon Levy

Greetings to all of Cameron’s faithful heathens, this is the Gersh filling in.  Sorry he won’t be with you this evening as with my amazing powers of negotiation I convinced him to swap shows this week.  Actually I just said “Hey man, can you swap with me?” and he said “Yeah sure”.  I have anoth er obligation tomorrow night (which includes jello shots) so we worked out the old switcheroo and unlike most of WWE’s programming these days it’s actually a surprise because did you have any idea it’d be ME tonight?  Actually come to think of it, this is the second week in a row Cameron isn’t doing his own show and he only has to cover one hour’s worth tomorrow.  I’ll have to see if in exchange he will allow me to play Guitar Hero at Best Buy for three hours straight and if anyone complains, he gives them a stiff kick to the jaw (though I think that was how he lost his previous job).
 

Tonight is an ELECTION DAY SAMMITCH!!!  Last night we the fans got to vote for such crucial plot altering things as what geezer teams with Grandpa Ric Flair to bury the tag division (when they are so close to being six feet under themselves), who jobs to a thumb, and which championship belt do you want to see on the line which basically determines who wins the match.  The choice is yours!  As many of you know tomorrow is Election Day, well if you’re over 18 anyway.  If you’re under 18 it’s a day off of school.  I’m not trying to sway your vote or anything but all I know is a moron is running this place so pick your votes accordingly.  Wait a sec; am I talking about the United States or WWE?
 
Anyhoo tonight we are live in Columbus, Ohio where this is the second act of a Raw/Smackdown Supershow.  As a veteran of two of these, let me tell you it’s not as good as it sounds.  Both times Smackdown was boring as all hell and thankfully Raw made it a worthwhile evening.  On a side note, ECW is doing a show tonight in Battle Creek, Michigan which is RVD’s hometown (not sure if this is taped for tomorrow or not).  I’m sure the fans can expect the usual “beat the crap out of the hometown guy so it isn’t all pops and snaps and crackles and suddenly I am in the mood for Rice Krispies”.
 
We start off with highlights of last night’s interference by K-Fed.  Funny thing they didn’t stop short (like Frank Costanza) on the contact of the belt to Cena’s back.  Theme and pyro and to clarify we are at Ohio State University and there isn’t a better way to spend your school night than by watching how to succeed in this world.  Just marry someone famous and ruin their career and then try to make your own career out of your popularity.  Hey it worked for Chyna!  Oh wait…
 
Randy Orton’s music hits and the Frat Boys (™ James Walker) and their sorority slut come out first.  Edge brags about last night’s victory and they show some highlights.  Orton then says it was the first time DX has been beaten.  Oh I see, because DX is a new original concept that wasn’t done before.  ; Orton introduces the guest ref from last night who comes out and thanks the fans for the votes and then thanks Edge and Orton.  He also thanks Vince and apparently for one night only because of his success (and NY Times bestselling book) he gets to be GM for the night.  He gives Cena the night off and bans DX from the building so you know you won’t be seeing them (if you’re one of the morons who voted for the obvious choices last night, you believe that).  He then says Jeff Hardy will be defending the IC belt against Johnny Nitro.  Flair’s music interrupts and Naitch and Piper come out to the top of the ramp.  Flair says if Bischoff wants controversy, and he mentions something about a time in St. Louis.   Edge then asks if he remembers last time he was on the Cutting Edge.  Piper interrupts saying Edge is ripping him off and that Orton can’t even rip off his dad.  He then says he was born into controversy.  Bischoff cuts them off and says tonight they’ll be defending their tag titles against Edge and Orton.  Well that was a short lived nostalgia trip.
 
After a commercial, they show a package of the media FRENZY for “The Marine”.  Last I checked, the 25 screen megaplex in New York City which frequently keeps movies for several months has only one screening a day this week and it’s before noon.
 
Nitro and Melina enter on the red carpet and they show some photos at K-Fed’s album release party where they show another media whore (literally and figuratively) Paris Hilton.  Hardy then makes his entrance.
 
Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Johnny Nitro w/Melina (Tri-Color Hair Match Though Not a Loser Loses Their Hair Match)
 
Hardy throws Nitro out of the ring from the lockup and then dives over the top onto him.  Back inside, Nitro gains control.  Melina interferes a couple of times and the ref calls the bell.  As Lilian announces the winner, Bischoff comes out and says to restart the match but with no disqualifications.  JR is in total shock and we go to commercial.
 
We’re back and Hardy breaks out of a chin lock but Nitro hits a kick from the second rope which elicits a screech from Melina (my ears!).  Nitro throws Hardy to the ropes and they end up simultaneously going for a cross body and they both go down.  Hardy is up first and gets a reverse heel kick and tries a pin but only a two count.  Facebuster and another two count and then Jeff tries for a Twist of Fate which Nitro breaks but instead Hardy hits Whisper in the Wind.  Melina interferes but Hardy throws her down and goes to the top rope.  Nitro knocks him off then clocks him with the belt and gets the pin.
 
Winner and new Intercontinental Champion: Johnny Nitro
 
Commercial Comment: “Little Man” comes out on DVD Tuesday.  Remember when the Wayans brothers were funny?  Yeah me neither.
 
Queer Eye for the Spirited Guy are arguing while Bischoff, Coach , Eugene and Hacksaw Jim Duggan look on.  Eric makes a match of the Squad vs. the Retard and Eugene and the losers have to split up.  Maria then walks in (with darker hair that looks good).  Bischoff reminds her of the testimony she gave at his trial a while back and puts her in a match against Umaga and if she doesn’t do it she’s fired.  Watch, I bet she’s the one person the Samoan Spike doesn’t work on.
 
Lilian introduces K-Fed and he speaks via the Titantron.  He says we enjoyed what he did last night just like we enjoy buying his album and going to his concerts.  Well three of his concerts were cancelled so that really holds validity.  He challenges Cena to a match on Raw on New Year’s Day in one of the many cities Britney and he live in, Miami.
 
The Squad makes their entrance followed by Hacksaw and Eugene and we are ready for this long awaited match.  Cue a roll of the eyes.
 
Spirit Squad vs. Tandem Tard (Losers Split Up, Can We Get a Double DQ Here?)
 
Johnny starts off with a headlock on Eugene and Kenny makes a blind tag.  Hacksaw encourages a USA chant and since everyone in this match is domestic, they must be talking about the network.  Kenny beats up Eugene some and then tags back out.  Johnny locks in a fr ont face lock but Eugene breaks out and hits a Rock Bottom.  Ordinarily that would be a finish but here it’s a segway and Duggan tags in.  He gives Johnny and Kenny a “meeting of the minds”.  It’s a good thing he didn’t do that with himself and Eugene, that’d be about a -62 IQ.  One of the other Squad members interfere which allows Johnny to sneak a roll up (fruity roll up?) with a handful of tights to get the pin.
 
Winners: Spirit Squad
 
Eugene and Hacksaw hug but then Eugene loses it and beats the crap out of Hacksaw including choking him out with the 2 x 4.  Allow me to play the part of Captain Obvious for a moment and say that was retarded.
 
Maria gets dragged out by Coach and held in the ring.  Umaga then makes his entrance.  I’d like to say I wouldn’t mind giving Maria a Samoan Bulldozer, which is
 
Umaga vs. Maria (Listen To Me, My Name Is Squash Bandicoot)
 
Coach shoves Maria into Umaga and she falls and starts to cry.  Umaga picks her up and gives her a Samoan Drop.  He drags her into the corner and gives her the Ass Crash.  I think JR might have dropped the F bomb or something because the sound muted for a seco nd.  Umaga is about to do the Samoan Spike when Cena’s music hits and he gives Umaga a flying shoulder block to take him out of the ring.  Tard Grisham comes into the ring and asks Cena why he’s here since he was given the night off.  He is trying to make sense of things especially after losing last night.  He can’t figure out how Bischoff gets to be GM out of nowhere, how K-Fed snuck by the crack security (they’re on crack all right) and Umaga has apparently run out of opponents.  He then wonders why Tard is in the ring when he usually is in the back taking naked pics for his Myspace page.  He then makes the smarks happy and FU’s Tard, challenges Umaga and says hit me baby one more time and accepts K-Fe d’s challenge.  Gotta be honest here, Cena’s actually been kind of *gasp* entertaining lately.
 
Winner: I guess technically Umaga by DQ but does it really matter?
 
Lita and Bischoff are chatting in his office and talking about how great tonight has been.  He asks her why she would want to defend her title against Mickie James and she says with his interest in controversy he should b e interested in her idea and she whispers in his ear.  He likes it and then also makes himself special guest referee.  Carlito is then shown macking with Torrie when Shelton interrupts and says the vote he got was wasted last night and that the only reason he didn’t get the vote was because he was a black and the WWE fans don’t like minorities.  Carlito points out that he is Puerto Rican and won the vote by a landslide.  He then calls Shelton “pendejo” which insults him but then he says that children sing his theme song as a lullaby or something wacko to that effect.  Ron Simmons then comes in and does what is already becoming overused, with his huh-larious “DAM N!”  It was funny once and even twice but when you do it every week it loses its appeal.  Oh and somewhere in there Shelton challenged Carlito to a match tonight.
 
Chris Masters is in the ring and Bischoff shows up and wonders who to put in the ring.  He decides on Jim Ross.  Lawler gets on the microphone and challenges Bischoff to a match instead.  He says King wants no part of him but suggests he go against Masters instead.  He then says if he wants to keep his job, he has to be handcuffed to the top rope.  Coach comes down to the ring with handcuffs and King knocks him out of the ring.  The referee cuffs him and the bell rings.
 
Chris Masters vs. Jerry Lawler (Masterpiece of Shit vs. King of Pedophilia)
 
Masters unloads with a series of rights but then Jerry clocks him with a hard right and a kick to the gut.  Masters then attacks Lawler and he falls to the mat.  The ref unlocks the cuffs and Masters puts on the MASTERfull Nelson and gets the win.
 
Winner: Chris Masters
 
Cryme Tyme comes out and joins JR on the mic.  Shelton then makes his entrance and apparently there ain’t no stopping him now unless it’s by The Man!  Cryme Tyme try to get his attention and they compliment him on his bling but honestly I could not understand one word they said.  Maybe Joe should recap their segments since he’s black and all.  Carlito then spits in the face of people other than me.
 
Carlito vs. Shelton Benjamin (Minority’s the Majority Match)
 
OK I’m gonna do my best here.  Shelton dominates early on yo, and check dis out he’s totally goin fo shizzle on his grill.  Dat homie with da fro hits a nice move son, but then Cryme Tyme tries on Shelton’s bling which totally makes him mad angry yo.  My main man Carlito then has himself a phat bowl of Apple Jacks and gets the pin.  Word.
 
Winner: Carlito Fo Sho
 
Mmm yummy it’s Mickie James and ugh, Coach has joined JR at the announce table.  He referred to him and Cryme Tyme as a Double Stuff Oreo.  Real subtle there Jonny boy.  Lita then makes her entrance though not revealing as much of her boobage as before.  Lita gets on the microphone and says Mickie has to have one hand tied behind her back.  Ooh I am so jealous, I want to tie her up!
 
Women’s Champion Lita vs. Mickie James (So Many Boobs, So Little Time)
 
Lita takes advantage of having both her arms available and hits a Russian Leg Sweep then goes for a moonsault from the top rope but Mickie moves and kicks Lita a few times.  Lita then drops Mickie on the turnbuckle, hits a DDT and gets the pin.
 
Winner: Lita
 
Lita brags on the microphone about her win and JR asks what she has to do for Eric Bischoff.  Well that disease exchange will happen later I’m sure but for now she introduces him to referee the main event.
 
After a commercial, Edge and Orton enter followed by my dad’s favorite tag team (since he’s the same age) of Flair and Piper.  Ric’s robe and Piper’s kilt/leather jacket combo clashes worse than me at my prom.
 
Edge and Randy Orton vs. Tag Champions Ric Flair and Rowdy Roddy Piper (Age Before Beauty Match)
 
Edge starts off with Flair with some offense and a dropkick from the top rope.  He goes to the top again but Naitch gets out of the way and tags in Piper (who thankfully kept his shirt on tonight).  The Rowdy one throws a series of punches and then puts on a sleeper hold.  Orton hits Piper in the b ack but Bischoff magically missed it.  Randy and Adam exchange tags a couple times and continue to beat up on Piper.  Orton puts on his patented chin lock.  Edge tags in and puts on the same move and Orton calls his lawyer to sue for copyright infringement.  Outside the ring, Edge throws Piper to the post and goes for the Conchairto with the post but Piper moves and he rams Edge’s head into it instead.  Piper uses the opportunity to tag.  Flair with a series of chops and then Edge and Orton go for a doubleteam but Flair gives a double low blow.  Flair then gets pushed into Bischoff and as Naitch gets up Edge spears him.  Anot her ref comes down and counts but only a two count.  DX then runs down, HBK hits Sweet Chin Music and Flair gets the pin.
 
Winners: Ric Flair and Rowdy Roddy Piper
 
DX is in the ring with Bischoff.  Michaels fakes Sweet Chin Music just enough so he turns around into a Pedigree.  HHH gets on the microphone and says usually they’d have two words, but tonight it’ s three.  Big Dick Johnson!  That fat stripper dude comes out and I think I am gonna vomit.  Let’s end this misery now.
 
Highlight of the Night: Cena FU to Tard Grisham, case closed.
 
Lowlight of the Night: Tough call between the massive amount of squash matches and lame gimmick matches but I will go with the three un fortunate words DX ended the show with.
 
Eugene Moment: Going literal for this one, Eugene turning heel.  Are you kidding me?
 
I’ll be back at my regular post next week but for now check out James’ recap of Cyber Sunday (I vote for hilarious!), Joe’s Lowdown on Smackdown (it’s nigga-tastic!), British Bullfrog’s TNA Report (umm…alternative wrestling choices!),  and of course yours truly’s ECW: The Next Generation.  Read them because we’re empty souls who need your support about as much as Saddam needs a shoulder to cry on now that he’s going to hell (looks like the guys on South Park predicted it accurately).  Now hit my music!
 
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WWE RAW RANT: (11/13/06) By Cameron Burge

 
Well, here I am. Back where I belong. In my cage….I mean, at my desk. Because Sean does in no way keep me locked up and/or malnourished in order to keep me penning these recaps for you reading pleasure.
 
On a brighter note, for those who haven’t heard, the Wrestling Marriage Curse continues claiming it’s most recent victim in non-other than everyone’s favorite pasty-faced rapper ((Michael Jackson doesn’t count)), K-Fed (Fed Ex?). It seems after cheating on Britney Spears with his newfound WRESTLING GLORY to fuel his ego, he was subsequently caught red-handed and the divorce papers are being filed by laboring monkeys on type writers as we speak.
 
Raw 11.13.06
 
Theme and pyro leads us into the show. And the crowd really just doesn’t seem that pumped up tonight. You have to pity the Brits sometimes when it comes to wrestling. They always get the pity title matches and no good main events. Perhaps they heard of our main event a little too early for their tastes. We get a new DX video opening as they come out this time, having switched out from their old one. Complete with X-pyros at the end. They show us the traditional Survivor Series match for De-Degeneration X and DX as after a good ten minutes of intro, they finally stop to say something.
 
Trips hypes the crowd to scream louder for his spiel which takes even longer. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep and this intro was still going on when I woke up. Hunter doesn’t have a funny line to add to the Let’s Get Ready to Suck It line much to the jovial laugh of the audience. It’s like a stadium full of Renfields. “Hee heh-heee, heh-heee….”
 
They check off the people they have annihilated and say Eric is now known as Teabag on the street. I thought that was Mahony’s gimmick? They rerun the fat guy ass kissing and then do it AGAIN IN SLOW MOTION. JR makes a Big Dick Johnson joke. Hunter says that just leaves Siegfried and Roy. How DARE you attack a man left nearly paralyzed after a near fatal attack from a tiger how as subsequently then the victim of a drive by shooting! For Shame on you Hunter! They go on but Coach interrupts to say Edge and Orton have a rematch for the tag titles tonight. Asshole chants abound while Coach tells them they can stick around tonight but he has a gut feeling they won be sticking around very long because there is a bounty on their head inside his briefcase of British money. Bring on the Pounds! It’s equivalent to a ten thousand dollar bounty and Hunter calls him a cheap bastard. Coach says four are already ready to take it out….but first we need a ref as it is required by law now in Britain that a referee be present for every hit. The First four losers come out to the ring as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Foo Fighters fight Foo’s according to Mr. T.
 
Degeneration X vs. VV Disease & Cade & Murdoch (Handicap Tag Team Match)
 
We come back to see Haas is getting his ass kicked already by Shawn Michaels. He forces him to the heel corner for the tag to Cade who start laying on the heat. Now, we all know that if you really want to take some guys out with a bounty, the best way to do so is by forming an organized handicap tag match. Michaels reverses some chops in the corner, but Cade takes control and tag in Murdoch as a combination leg sweet/big boot levels him. Murdoch eats a hard shot, but makes the tag before Michaels to shut him down with Viscera. Big Vis squishes him with a sideslam before tagging in Haas who covers for two.
 
Haas slams Michaels around and kicks him while he’s down in true Snidely Whiplash fashion for two. Cade tags back in and eventually has to rely on his patented chinlock oh doom. (take a shot). Michaels begins to fight loose with chops, hitting and enziguiri to take Lance out. Both men start to crawl for their respective corners in slow motion and Michaels makes the tag to Trips. Hunter does the usual of pummeling people with right, clothes lining Viscera on the apron, but unable to take him off. Cade eats a face buster and is clotheslined over the top. Trips back body drops Murdoch onto him on the floor before hitting the spine buster on Haas. Viscera eats Sweet Chin Music and Hunter lands a pedigree on Haas for the win.
Winners: DX
 
JR gives us big news about the new Smackdown vs. Raw 2007 game coming out tomorrow as he rambles the word weapons over and over since he appears to have misplaced his thesaurus. King raves over the graphics for a while as it does look pretty good before we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Wii love you.
 
We come back to the Spirit Squad in the back being told to split up so three of them can jump DX for the bounty. They hide and DX comes walking along while talking about the bounty. The first one runs through the bus and crash lands while scream. They throw a lid of a trash can at him. The next one, trip smacks in the face with the lid right away. The third drops out of the sky off target and splat on the ground like fucking Wyle E. Coyote. The Highlanders are out, measured by Stone. Scots aren’t that well-loved in England, but probably more so than Johnny and Kenny.
 
The Spirit Squad vs. The Job-landers
 
Robbie starts us off with Johnny who doesn’t hold back in getting things started. Rory is quick to tag in though, only to find himself annihilated in short order by Kenny. Kenny words Rory over in the corner, hitting a tandem technique on him in the corner for Johnny to come in and taunt him. Johnny scores a two count and Kenny tags in. They won’t shut the FUCK up about Kenny being the leader of the team. Kenny goes for a headlock (take a shot) while screaming he’s the man or something like that. Rory shuts him down for his trouble and tags in Robbie. Robbie gets caught by Johnny, but Rory clotheslines him and the highlanders land a double dropkick on Kenny. The slingshot suplex is saved by Johnny, but Kenny just throws Johnny into them to roll up a Highlander from behind for the win.
Winners: Kenny & Johnny
 
We get a recap of King being beaten by King. This is all so King can tell us he’s taking the Masterlock Challenge tonight. OH GOD MAN TITS….and commercials.
 
Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck are those announcers doing in the bar? Is this what King and JR do in the off time?
 
Back to the show. They run a clip of idiots buying tickets for Mania in the freezing cold. Masters is out with his balloon arms (somebody put the helium back in! Quick!).
 
Masterlock Challenge; Jerry the King Lawler
 
Jerry gets all set up nice and bloated in his seat with his arms raised like a fucking rape victim. Jerry gets some big chants after Masters refuses to lock it on twice and King turns on him. The ref drags Jerry back and he gets back in the ring. Masters locks on the hold and Jerry gets pumped up as JR cheers him on. If he breaks this I might kill myself. Masters overpowers Lawler, but he starts to elbow Masters in the face to make him break to no avail. JR keeps calling it an amazing grip. Lawler tries a third time, but he drops to a knee until the ref calls for the bell. Masters tosses him aside.
Winner: Masters
 
DX opens their door and Eugene is there. He says he’s here for the bounty. Shawn shuts the door in his face. He tells Hunter who it is. Hunter opens it and asks if Eugene is here for the bounty. He says yes and Hunter gives him the Quilted Quicker Picker Upper before shutting the door in his face again. Eugene knocks harder and tries to punch them, but they shut the door so he hits it. He knocks even harder and when they open it, Eugene charger in, right into the room and tumbles through a table to hurt himself as we leave to commercials.
 
Random Commercial Thought: F.E.A.R. Is a great game, finally coming to consoles. Enjoy it you bastards!
 
Back to the show with a replay of the one armed women’s title match. Tard is in the back to ask Lita on her thoughts for facing Mickie tonight. In the back elsewhere, hunter sends Shawn out so he can take a shit. When he gets in the stall, Masters is leering over the toilet. The door shuts with much screaming and fighting to open with Masters hanging over the toilet. Hunter says he feels better as Shawn is amazed to find her “Crapped a Masterpiece.” Which is a real knee slapper for the legless. Back to the commercials.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Let’s go to prison. (Bring soap on a rope)
 
Back to the show. It’s Umaga and his manager whose name is of infinitely greater length. JR invites Tard to replace the King, and all but tells him to shut the fuck up when he compliments Masters’ hold. They replay Umaga’s attack on Maria last week while we await Cena’s arrival.
 
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Umaga w/ Armando Ellejandro Estrrrrrada (Non-title Match)
 
Cena starts off with mostly useless offense on Umaga, bunching him in the gut in the corner. They cling out of the corner and collide with Cena bulldogging Umaga, but he pops up like a fucking weeble. (They wobble but they don’t fall down.) Cena gets crushed by a Samoan Drop and Umaga locks on a nerve hold. Grisham manages to butcher Armando’s name for us. Cena takes a himself out of the hold as the crowd gets really pumped for some reason. He goes for his usual offense, but the tackles down knock him down. Umaga teeter and gets tangled in the ropes for Cena to start pounding on him. Armando distracts Cena and gets tossed in for his trouble, but Big Show arrives to beat him down.
Winner: Cena
 
Umaga and Show begin to squish Cena all over the mat. They hit the big splash and the choke slam, finishing with the Samoan Spike as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die…..really. Please.
 
Back to the show. They recap the beat down we just saw for the memory impaired. Somewhere in the back Coach is on the phone saying someone will cash in on the money when DX comes in. He gets scared and they tell him to take it easy. Hunter and Shawn tell him he wins because Shawn is so nervous he eats. They play a Benny Hill Blooper Reel of them beating up al the challengers tonight. Hunter asks for the ten grand since they took themselves out while Shawn steals it from him in the background.
 
Ringside and Hardy is out here. They replay how Nitro won his title back last week before we get back to Hardy who looks like fucking Donnie Darko in his blue lights. Nitro and Melina are next for her to shine a brining light on my day.
 
Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title Match)
 
Nitro and Hardy tie up as Tard tells us “way back when” as in a few weeks ago, Nitro lost the title to Hardy. Hardy whips off the ropes and hit’s the cross body. Tard says hello to Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline for Nitro before mentioning his “problems at home”. Nitro trips Hardy from the outside to get back in control, but Hardy drops kicks him with a back lean on the top rope. He hits mounted punches on Nitro into a slingshot dropkick to the sternum. Hardy foes up top and Nitro rolls to the floor, but eats a baseball slide inside. Jeff hit’s a cross body to the floor as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: They so didn’t just make a series out of groundhog day.
 
Back to the show. Hardy scoops Nitro’s legs out from under him for the leg drop to the ground for two. Nitro hit’s a HUGE springboard roundhouse kick to the face for two off the ropes. Dyaaamn. Nitro pins for two and punches him a couple of times before following such a devastating move with a headlock.(take a shot). Crowd rallies for Hardy and Nitro yanks the hair to send him down. Nitro misses his Breakdance Legdrop, but Hardy rolls him up for two after dodging. Nitro counter with a move of his own to get two consecutive two counts and back to the headlock. (aaaand another shot)
 
Hardy misses a shot in the corner, but against the ropes Nitro manages to rack himself on the top rope “Right in the manhood” according to Tard, because we couldn’t tell what sex he is. Standing ten count leaves Hardy picking up two when he gets up to land a reverse mule kick. Big Back body drop and Hardy hit’s the leg drop onto the legs for the rollup of two. Hardy bombs Whisper in the Wind. Johnny lifts Hardy p into a reverse sit down power bomb. He only gets two and goes up top. Nitro scream and leaps off to give plenty of warning so Hardy hit’s a power bomb reversal for two. Jeff goes up and lands the Swanton while Melina distracts the ref. hardy has to beat Nitro back down. Twist of Fate is countered and Melins grabs his leg.
 
Nitro flips over the ropes, hanging Hardy’s neck on them. Hardy eats a neck breaker and a Dragon moonsault, but he pulls out the inside cradle from nowhere at the two count for the win.
Winner: Hardy
 
Tard calls it a fast count as Nitro gets pissed and hit’s a DDT on Hardy. He grabs a ladder that Tard calls a big one, even though it’s a smaller one. Nitro goes up top to ride the ladder down onto hardy from the top rope. Out in the parking lot, DX are trying to figure out what to go do with the money. Hunter asks if they should buy tickets, but its sold out because everyone knew they were here. They think they see scalpers and it turns out to be Cryme Tyme. And of course they have tickets. Hunter doesn’t understand what they are saying. Shawn quotes Airplane! And says he speaks Jive. Shawn acts as mediator. Before they leave from buying the tickets, Hunter adds a “For Shizzle” to awkward silence as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: See No Evil, but see this film. It’s pretty decent and funny to boot since Kane is in it and all.
 
Back to the show. Carlito is reading the Daily star he gets the cheap pop with Manchester United while talking to Torrie and her two friends. The girls ask him out, but he says his hotel is on the other side of the city. Torrie says her hotel is right around the corner and she has the same flight tomorrow, so he can crash with her. He then begins to frantically look for Torrie’s friends in the magazine after they leave since they are supposed to be in there. They replay Cena getting destroyed earlier tonight to lead into counting down the matches for Survivor Series. In the back, DX buys the concession stand for the fans of DX merch. They show all the stuff around to people. They come out through the crowd, giving away stuff to folks still as we go to commercial.
 
 
Back to the show. Lita is out for her match and she stares at the ringside DX as they jump and wave about. Tard feels the need to argue with everything JR says in the most retarded manner he can muster it seems. Lita grabs a mic after Mickie comes out. She says it is like last week. She has good news and bad news. The good news she won’t have one arm tied behind her back, but this week her legs will be shackled together. JR says he has seen something like this in a hotel in 88. They handcuff her ankles together which is obviously the same as shackling of course. Mickie says it is actually Lita who needs her legs tied together. Well, something resembling a match ensues, but I prefer this:
 
“Now it's time for me to tell you about Young Nastyman,
archrival and nemesis of Wonderboy, with powers comparable to Wonderboy.
What powers you ask? I dunno how 'bout the power of flight?
That do anything for ya? That's levitation, holmes.
How 'bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away...
with mind bullets! That's telekinesis, Kyle.
How 'bout the power to move you?”
 
Somehow a Salami wins the match for Mickie. Lita gets mustard and a salami in the face. The Jokes are so obvious I bet you can think of better ones so we’ll let that one lie.
 
Before Mickie’s music even stops playing, Edge and Orton come out to point at DX fro the corner all threateningly while Coach yells at them, trying to kick them out. He calls security.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Touristas = Hostel….again….
 
Back to the show. Piper comes out (Go! Beer Gut Powers activate!) only to get surrounded by the challengers before he even makes it to the ring. They crush him with a chair and hit a one man conchairto while Orton takes care of Flair. Piper lies squashed in the floor while Flair is tossed into the ring to start the match.
 
Tag Team Champion Ric flair vs. De-Degeneration X (Handicap Tag Team Titles Match)
 
Flair chops Edge down from the ropes, but eats a back body drop out of the corner. Edge points at Piper as he is helped by the trainers and medics. Edge works a headlock onto Flair in the middle of the ring (take a shot). Edge punches him down for a bit and taunts before tagging in Orton. Randy attacks with rights in the corner to beat Flair down the ground, stomping him down before showing off as well. Randy clothesline Flair over the ropes to the floor. He suplexes Flair on the floor, restarting the ring as Tard plays up the fact Flair is going to lose so much you can’t help but KNOW he’s going to win. Ric is beaten against the ring barricade before Edge tags back in. He walks around like Flair then goes to the chinlock (take a shot).Tard says Flair had a plane crash FIFTY YEARS AGO. Which JR corrects him as if he were talking to a special ed student.
 
Orton tags in and while the ref is distracted by Edge, Flair punches Orton right in the balls. Edge tags in and attacks Flair who catches him with leveling chops. Flair goes into a punch combo into a back body drop. He starts dropping them both, but Orton grabs him from behind. Orton pratfall son a dropkick and is about to be locked in a figure four before Edge hit’s the sloppiest spear on him out of it. Tard sounds like an ass as he announces the champions.
Winners: Edge & Orton
 
DX Music hits and De-Degeneration X makes a run for it while DX have a brawl with security in the ring instead.
 
Highlight of the Night: A great match with Nitro and Hardy, with an unexpected ending to boot that made it really good.
 
Lowlight of the Night: The titles are pointlessly hot-shotted to Edge and Orton to act as props for their feud for a while.
 
Eugene Award: Benny Hill rolls over in his grave as inane antic ensue, including flying cheerleaders.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (11/27/06) By Cameron Burge

I liiiiiiiiiive! It seems that we all ran into a big roadblock last Monday concerning my lack of satellite feed thanks to my service provider sucking harder than Ryan Seacrest in a back alley. Thanks to a fluke, ye olde signal is working again and I’m back on the job. So let’s get right on into this before I start to ramble on too much. Because this one time, I ate boiled peanuts…..

 

Raw 11.27.06
 
Here we go. Crappy ass theme leads us to us finding Ric Flair in the ring. He has some big news for us. And no it for some odd reason isn’t the awesome news that See No Evil is available at a store near you starting tomorrow. And oddly enough I’ve actually had requests for it from customers at Best Buy. Must be cult classic if I ever heard of one. Ric is pissed he got beat up despite winning the match. For some reason the Nature Boy looks as red as a fucking lobster tonight while he calls out the squad. They come out and cheer mock him. The gyst of their speech is for him to retire….you know, since they haven’t beaten him in a match yet. Flair said he has partners, but no one is there when the squad comes in. Suddenly DX’s theme hits. The squad runs and leaves Flair standing alone while DX casually strolls to the ring like taking a walk on a sunny day.
 
The Spirit Squad vs. Ric Flair & Degeneration X
 
The ref tries to get some squad members in the ring while Shawn and Hunter just stalk around. Apparently King no Hablo Espanola, since he doesn’t understand the word cajones. Trips asks us if we’re ready and he says he’s sick of fighting the Squad. He asks if we’re as sick of watching them get beat up as he is of beating them up. Trips guarentees this is the last time we ever see the spirit squad, and gets interrupted in his lets get ready to suck it chant but an attack.
 
They easily beat off the Squad and Shawn stays in with the one remaining member to work his arm over before tagging Hunter in. Trips starts stomping a mudhole in Mikey before crushing him with a huge corner clothesline. Ric tags in and attacks with lefts and rights while Trips holds Mikey. Mikey eats a chop and a back body drop. Mikey’s amazing offense of “Fall on the ground and scream like a girl” doesn’t seem to be working. Shawn tags in and chops down. Big HBK chants as Mikey eats boot and Flair returns for chopping action. Weak shoulder block follows. Kenny kicks Flair in the back from the ropes and Mikey dropkicks him. The Squad tries to get all in on him in the corner and DX comes in to begin tossing members. Kenny is tossed out last before Michaels suicide dives onto them. Shawn, Flair and Hunter do simultaneous struts as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: What do we need? More football movies! Because you know…there weren’t like three this year alone.
 
HEADLOCK. Johnny has Michaels in the drink worthy move and switches it up into a neck breaker to drag Michaels to the corner for a team up attack. Mikey snap mares and hits an elbow drop for two, pressing the advantage for a second two. Kenny gets all pissed when he tags in, taunting Shawn a bit before pulling his hair. Michaels starts fighting out of the corner, but Mitch tags in and shuts him down. The squad sets up for a huge double team on Michaels of slingshot ting Kenny from the top rop to a splash on Shawn. Shawn dodges and makes the tag to Hunter. Hunter cleans house, hit’s a face buster and sends Kenny out. Mikey eats the spine buster and Hunter signals the tag to Nature Boy. Flair chops down Squad members as they run in while he’s trying for the figure four. Shawn Sweet Chin Musics one and Hunter’s Pedigree finishes another before they each grab a member and all three do figure fours. It looks like a fucking green orgy as JR utters the horribly homoerotic line of “The Spirit Squads a-tappin’.”
Winners: DX & Flair
 
We get a video of the Hardy’s Back yard wrestling as kids which automatically sends every five hundred pound mother in the Midwest into a panicked rage of lawsuits. We get a video recap of Survivor Series. Apparently, Batista becomes more powerful without his hair. Kind of like when Goku takes off his weighted clothing which as we all know can flow in the wind like silk yet weight Eleventy-million pounds.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Does Lewis Black really need to stoop to being in a “Taking care of bratty kids” movie?
 
During the break, Hunter chased after the Squad with a sledge hammer. We go to the back with DX stuffing them into a large trunk and locking it shut. They ship them off to OVW with the OPS. Shawn says it absolutely has to be there by….Christmas. They give them three to four weeks and say the package isn’t worth crap so they don’t want it insured. Shawn has to sign since Hunter needs to stay off the grid. Shawn signs it as McMahon and they send them off. Shawn says he’s feeling a little emotional as this is the end of an era. Hunter says it brings a tear to a glass eye which is a bit of a….um…I’m going to go with “retarded” euphemism. We go back to ringside for some ECW PPV pimping.
 
We go to NM and they upgrade to MNM to accept the Hardy challenge for the ECW PPV. It’s rather anticlimactic before we go to Mickie James being introduced by Lillian Garcia. She’s happy to have gold and apparently Applebottom jeans as well. She comes to ringside to sit with ing and JR as Melina is out…of her outfit. Candice is next as we go to commercial to wait for out other contestants.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Square Enix. Where we don’t know how to make anything so we’ll stick with the same shit people keep buying.
 
Back to the show. All five of our Divas are here. This is a battle royal, blah blah blah.
 
Diva Battle Royal
 
Victoria dominates early, annihilating Torrie for some reason while the other three sort of wobble around on the floor. Melina bitchslaps the bitch right out of Torrie while Victoria holds her before Victoria sets Melina up to run at Torrie. Melina comes in and Victoria flattens her with a clothesline, tossing Melina afterward. Maria tries a head scissors in the corner on Victoria and hangs onto the edge, but Torrie is tossed into her. Maria hangs on still and Torrie is tossed. Victoria punches her off this time and it comes down to Candice and Victoria. Candice attacks and fireman carries Victoria over the ropes. She lands on the apron and Candice starts slapping Victoria’s hands to make her let go. Victoria busts Candice in the face with a heavy knee before chucking her. Once again, a change of hair grants super powers. But it’s to be expected in a match that featured only one actual wrestler.
Winner: Victoria
 
After the match, Victoria hit’s the widow’s Peak on Candice to taunt Mickie, scraping her hair in Psycho Vicky Mode. We get another Hardy Moment as we shuffle off to commercials. Hey, remember when there used to be champion people cared about instead of random matches? Me either.
 
Random Commercial Thought: The revolution has been here for years now and I’m still waiting for Bowflex to overthrow the government, forcing us into intensive labor, muscle-building camps.
 
Back to the show where they show Eugene taking out his frustration on Duggan. Whatever happened to tard unity? Speaking of the (questionably) lovable twit, here he comes. I’m pretty sure this guy is the father of my manager’s baby. I mean, I can’t really figure out who would sleep with her besides a fellow. (BURN). Hacksaw is all pissed and storms to the ring, cursing and screaming at Eugene as the ref holds him off, Eugene cowering behind him.
 
Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Eugene
 
Eugene offers a hand and bitchslaps Hacksaw all the way back from Mongolia (where Mongoloids obviously come from). Hacksaw powers back with a big boot and scoop slam, slapping Eugene hard before following with a back body drop. Hacksaw gets a big USA chant building behind him and misses the three point stance charge to the corner when Eugene runs to the outside. Hacksaw drags him up by the hair, but Eugene hangs him up on the rope. Eugene rams Duggan’s head into the ring post before coming in with a swinging neck breaker for three. King can’t believe this and it seems like nobody else can even care.
Winner: Eugene
 
Eugene demands people not to make fun of him or laugh at him. They laugh and he declares himself special. He repeats this many times before screaming at the crowd and swinging his arms like a rejected cast member of Planet of the Apes. In the back, Dusty and Arn are talking to DX thanking them for the help. Shawn says he has a party planned. He has chips, dip and a Karaoke Machine. They walk off to odd looks and Trips comes back to give them two words. Booze and broads. Farooq walks up and stands there while they stare to declare, (Wait for it……)
 

……
…….
……….
 
 “Damn!” They all head off to the party. Commercials were also being served it seems.
 
Random Commercial Thought: I need some pizza damnit!
 
Back to the show. We get this week in Wrestling history with the marriage of Hunter and Steph. Edge waltzes on out to the ring and low and behold, doth her rant endlessly about his many woes. It just so happens that more curses of the satellite gods have befallen me at this moment as a thunderstorm knocks out my signal. Oh joy. I can’t catch a fucking break with this thing! Thanks to Gersh, he’s relaying info to me. Orton comes out to ask Edge if the person back there is really his guest. They bring him out, revealing it to be the Nature Boy covered in blood, looking like a victim from night of the Living Dead. Anyway, form what I can gather, it seems Flair was dragged in and given a neat finishing conchairto to sum everything up. He’s then left in a nice bloody heap.
 
Random Commercial Thought: ROCKY SIX. Enough said.
 
Back to the show. JR says DX destroyed flair….god DAMN you old fuck…. Anyway Jerry has a match with Masters. However JR says he’ll never forget tonight because Flair was destroyed (for the 80ieth time?). JR gives us a quick recap of the Masters/King feud. JR calls King the King of Memphis because he beat them all (since he was booking it….)
 
Chris Masters vs. Jerry the King Lawler
 
Masters scoops King right up and slams him one handed. He misses and elbow drop follow up. King gets himself caught up in a bear hug, fighting his way out. Jerry powers back by biting his nose and hits the flying fist three times, but Masters just stands up all pissed, beating him down in the corner. Masters hit’s a huge backbreaker. Chris just starts stomping on him. Masters tries to finish with the fist drop himself, but Jerry pops right up and dodges. Chris regains control by raking the eye and chokes King on the top rope. He tells Jerry not to hit him in the face ever. Masters sets up for the MASTERfull Nelson and locks it on. Suddenly, Carlito’s music hits. Carlito taunts him and Masters keeps looking at Carlito, finally tossing Jerry aside. Carlito spit’s the apple in his face and King rolls up for three.
Winner: Lawler
 
Random Commercial Thought: See No Evil Commercial! Woooooot!
 
Back to the show. We have Armando and Estrada on the way to the ring after yet another Hardys moment. Estrada tells us that only Umaga was truly dominant at SS and so he lays down Umaga’s challenge to Cena officially. Cena’s music responds and the champ is apparently here. Though you wouldn’t know he exists at al these days but for split seconds of time. Cena simply says he accepts, but Estrada holds Umaga back when the showdown comes. Umaga seemingly gets stared down, very much unlike anything he’s ever done…..ever. Estrada says they’ll fight when he says so. Cena stands cocky in the ring as we go back to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: When will teenagers learn that they will be slaughtered no matter where they go in movies?
 
Back to the show. We get a stand up act from….uh some guy. Gershon tells me its a parody of a Michael Richards act. He’s pretty racist so it requires a visit from Cryme Tyme. Apparently their mics and theme were oddly enough pre-synced with the club’s sound system. He gets booted right the fuck out and our heroes tell some jokes. We go to the back of Edge taunting Hardy with his twelfth title tonight and their beating of Ric Flair. The Hardys stare down the champs as
 
Random Commercial Thought: I was talking to a GIRL during this commercial break. Deal with it.
 
Back to the show and the main event. Our teams are out and we waste no time to get this on since there is little time left in the show.
 
Matt Hardy & Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. World Tag Team Champions De-Degeneration X
 
Jeff starts us off with Orton who gains the early advantage. He tries to capitalize, but Orton finds Hardy has popped up and eats canvas. Jeff tags in Matt who  slams Orton into the corner,  tagging Jeff right back in. Jeff works the arm and shoulder, but Randy counters to swing him to the other corner and tag in Edge. Edge attacks with rights. Jeff kicks Edge in the face after trying a back body, but Edge snaps him right back down to the mat, taunting Matt on the apron before hitting double elbows on Jeff. Orton is soon back in with a lot of OBVIOUSLY missed stomps. Edge trades back in to stomp as well and hit’s a standing dropkick for two.
 
Edge tries bracing his knee against Jeff’s back and yanking on his arms, but Jeff starts to power out only to find himself falling right back down. Orton chokes Jeff out on the rope who sells the choking great. Edge is back in, laying in with more punches because you know…he doesn’t know any wrestling moves. Orton tags in for a double back body drop, but Jeff counter them both to flatten De-Degeneration X. Matt is in, and King messes up the name this time for once. Matt hit’s a Bulldog on Edge and clothesline on Orton at the same time. Jeff comes in for a double suplex on Orton. They go up top and Edge tosses Jeff to shut it down. Orton tries to stop Matt, but her tosses him off. Matt’s moonsault misses and Edge tags in.
 
Edge sets up for the spear in the corner….as we go to commercial?!
 
Random Commercial Thought: Dead or Alive- Part Time fighting game. Part time softcore porn.
 
Back to the match. Matt is locked in a rear naked choke by Orton. He tries to escape but takes a heavy knee to the midsection. Edge tags in and stalks over him while Orton shows off. Edge decides that since it worked great for Orton,he might as well hump Matt’s back in the rear naked choke as well. Edge elbows Hardy’s knee and hit’s a flapjack on him, following with a sharp kick to the ribs.
 
 Orton starts hammering at Hardy’s chest like a gorilla. Orton Smash! BLAAAARRRG! He goes back to the rear naked choke….again. This time JR calls Matt Jeff. Learn their names you fucking assholes! Matt is placed on the top turnbuckle but he back elbows Edge off the top to moonsault onto Edge for two. Jeff and Orton share words as Orton tags back in to beat on Matt some more. He does some sort of creep hip pump move before one of his punches. Matt fights back, flipping out of a back suplex into the tag to Jeff.  He hit’s the mule kick on Edge and a Whisper in the wind on Orton for two.
 
Side effect from Matt shuts down Edge and they double side effect Orton for another two. Jeff sets Orton up for the combo flying dropkick and drop kick to the groin, but its only two when Edge drags Jeff out. Matt flies over the top  on Edge and poetry in motion misses Orton. He kicks Mat in the ribs, but RKO gets countered into Twist of Fate followed by Swanton. Edge makes the save though with the belts for the DQ.
Winners: Hardys
 
Jeff eats and Impaler DDT and Matt gets the RKO. De-degeneration X celebrates in the center of the ring as the show goes off the air.
 
Highlight of the Night: Let’s see. We had a solid main event, but nothing quite topped mailing the Spirit Squad to OVW.
 
Lowlight of the Night: Speaking of the main event, a cheap DQ was the cheapest and most predictable way to end the match. I do not approve.
 
Eugene Award: NEITHER announcer could remember who the fuck was in the ring at any given time. Way to go boys.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).