Well, here I am. Back where I belong. In my cage….I mean, at my desk. Because Sean does in
no way keep me locked up and/or malnourished in order to keep me penning these recaps for you reading pleasure.
On a brighter note, for those who haven’t heard, the Wrestling Marriage Curse continues claiming
it’s most recent victim in non-other than everyone’s favorite pasty-faced rapper ((Michael Jackson doesn’t
count)), K-Fed (Fed Ex?). It seems after cheating on Britney Spears with his newfound WRESTLING GLORY to fuel his ego, he
was subsequently caught red-handed and the divorce papers are being filed by laboring monkeys on type writers as we speak.
Theme and pyro leads us into the show. And the crowd really just doesn’t seem that pumped up
tonight. You have to pity the Brits sometimes when it comes to wrestling. They always get the pity title matches and no good
main events. Perhaps they heard of our main event a little too early for their tastes. We get a new DX video opening as they
come out this time, having switched out from their old one. Complete with X-pyros at the end. They show us the traditional
Survivor Series match for De-Degeneration X and DX as after a good ten minutes of intro, they finally stop to say something.
Trips hypes the crowd to scream louder for his spiel which takes even longer. I’m pretty sure
I fell asleep and this intro was still going on when I woke up. Hunter doesn’t have a funny line to add to the Let’s
Get Ready to Suck It line much to the jovial laugh of the audience. It’s like a stadium full of Renfields. “Hee
They check off the people they have annihilated and say Eric is now known as Teabag on the street.
I thought that was Mahony’s gimmick? They rerun the fat guy ass kissing and then do it AGAIN IN SLOW MOTION. JR makes
a Big Dick Johnson joke. Hunter says that just leaves Siegfried and Roy. How DARE you attack a man left nearly paralyzed after
a near fatal attack from a tiger how as subsequently then the victim of a drive by shooting! For Shame on you Hunter! They
go on but Coach interrupts to say Edge and Orton have a rematch for the tag titles tonight. Asshole chants abound while Coach
tells them they can stick around tonight but he has a gut feeling they won be sticking around very long because there is a
bounty on their head inside his briefcase of British money. Bring on the Pounds! It’s equivalent to a ten thousand dollar
bounty and Hunter calls him a cheap bastard. Coach says four are already ready to take it out….but first we need a ref
as it is required by law now in Britain that a referee be present for every hit. The First four losers come out to the ring
as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Foo Fighters fight Foo’s according to Mr. T.
Degeneration X vs. VV Disease & Cade & Murdoch (Handicap Tag Team Match)
We come back to see Haas is getting his ass kicked already by Shawn Michaels. He forces him to the
heel corner for the tag to Cade who start laying on the heat. Now, we all know that if you really want to take some guys out
with a bounty, the best way to do so is by forming an organized handicap tag match. Michaels reverses some chops in the corner,
but Cade takes control and tag in Murdoch as a combination leg sweet/big boot levels him. Murdoch eats a hard shot, but makes
the tag before Michaels to shut him down with Viscera. Big Vis squishes him with a sideslam before tagging in Haas who covers
Haas slams Michaels around and kicks him while he’s down in true Snidely Whiplash fashion for
two. Cade tags back in and eventually has to rely on his patented chinlock oh doom. (take a shot). Michaels begins to fight
loose with chops, hitting and enziguiri to take Lance out. Both men start to crawl for their respective corners in slow motion
and Michaels makes the tag to Trips. Hunter does the usual of pummeling people with right, clothes lining Viscera on the apron,
but unable to take him off. Cade eats a face buster and is clotheslined over the top. Trips back body drops Murdoch onto him
on the floor before hitting the spine buster on Haas. Viscera eats Sweet Chin Music and Hunter lands a pedigree on Haas for
JR gives us big news about the new Smackdown vs. Raw 2007 game coming out tomorrow as he rambles
the word weapons over and over since he appears to have misplaced his thesaurus. King raves over the graphics for a while
as it does look pretty good before we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Wii love you.
We come back to the Spirit Squad in the back being told to split up so three of them can jump DX
for the bounty. They hide and DX comes walking along while talking about the bounty. The first one runs through the bus and
crash lands while scream. They throw a lid of a trash can at him. The next one, trip smacks in the face with the lid right
away. The third drops out of the sky off target and splat on the ground like fucking Wyle E. Coyote. The Highlanders are out,
measured by Stone. Scots aren’t that well-loved in England, but probably more so than Johnny and Kenny.
The Spirit Squad vs. The Job-landers
Robbie starts us off with Johnny who doesn’t hold back in getting things started. Rory is quick
to tag in though, only to find himself annihilated in short order by Kenny. Kenny words Rory over in the corner, hitting a
tandem technique on him in the corner for Johnny to come in and taunt him. Johnny scores a two count and Kenny tags in. They
won’t shut the FUCK up about Kenny being the leader of the team. Kenny goes for a headlock (take a shot) while screaming
he’s the man or something like that. Rory shuts him down for his trouble and tags in Robbie. Robbie gets caught by Johnny,
but Rory clotheslines him and the highlanders land a double dropkick on Kenny. The slingshot suplex is saved by Johnny, but
Kenny just throws Johnny into them to roll up a Highlander from behind for the win.
Winners: Kenny & Johnny
We get a recap of King being beaten by King. This is all so King can tell us he’s taking the
Masterlock Challenge tonight. OH GOD MAN TITS….and commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck are those announcers doing in the bar? Is this what
King and JR do in the off time?
Back to the show. They run a clip of idiots buying tickets for Mania in the freezing cold. Masters
is out with his balloon arms (somebody put the helium back in! Quick!).
Masterlock Challenge; Jerry the King Lawler
Jerry gets all set up nice and bloated in his seat with his arms raised like a fucking rape victim.
Jerry gets some big chants after Masters refuses to lock it on twice and King turns on him. The ref drags Jerry back and he
gets back in the ring. Masters locks on the hold and Jerry gets pumped up as JR cheers him on. If he breaks this I might kill
myself. Masters overpowers Lawler, but he starts to elbow Masters in the face to make him break to no avail. JR keeps calling
it an amazing grip. Lawler tries a third time, but he drops to a knee until the ref calls for the bell. Masters tosses him
DX opens their door and Eugene is there. He says he’s here for the bounty. Shawn shuts the
door in his face. He tells Hunter who it is. Hunter opens it and asks if Eugene is here for the bounty. He says yes and Hunter
gives him the Quilted Quicker Picker Upper before shutting the door in his face again. Eugene knocks harder and tries to punch
them, but they shut the door so he hits it. He knocks even harder and when they open it, Eugene charger in, right into the
room and tumbles through a table to hurt himself as we leave to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: F.E.A.R. Is a great game, finally coming to consoles. Enjoy it
Back to the show with a replay of the one armed women’s title match. Tard is in the back to
ask Lita on her thoughts for facing Mickie tonight. In the back elsewhere, hunter sends Shawn out so he can take a shit. When
he gets in the stall, Masters is leering over the toilet. The door shuts with much screaming and fighting to open with Masters
hanging over the toilet. Hunter says he feels better as Shawn is amazed to find her “Crapped a Masterpiece.” Which
is a real knee slapper for the legless. Back to the commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Let’s go to prison. (Bring soap on a rope)
Back to the show. It’s Umaga and his manager whose name is of infinitely greater length. JR
invites Tard to replace the King, and all but tells him to shut the fuck up when he compliments Masters’ hold. They
replay Umaga’s attack on Maria last week while we await Cena’s arrival.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Umaga w/ Armando Ellejandro Estrrrrrada (Non-title Match)
Cena starts off with mostly useless offense on Umaga, bunching him in the gut in the corner. They
cling out of the corner and collide with Cena bulldogging Umaga, but he pops up like a fucking weeble. (They wobble but they
don’t fall down.) Cena gets crushed by a Samoan Drop and Umaga locks on a nerve hold. Grisham manages to butcher Armando’s
name for us. Cena takes a himself out of the hold as the crowd gets really pumped for some reason. He goes for his usual offense,
but the tackles down knock him down. Umaga teeter and gets tangled in the ropes for Cena to start pounding on him. Armando
distracts Cena and gets tossed in for his trouble, but Big Show arrives to beat him down.
Umaga and Show begin to squish Cena all over the mat. They hit the big splash and the choke slam,
finishing with the Samoan Spike as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die…..really. Please.
Back to the show. They recap the beat down we just saw for the memory impaired. Somewhere in the
back Coach is on the phone saying someone will cash in on the money when DX comes in. He gets scared and they tell him to
take it easy. Hunter and Shawn tell him he wins because Shawn is so nervous he eats. They play a Benny Hill Blooper Reel of
them beating up al the challengers tonight. Hunter asks for the ten grand since they took themselves out while Shawn steals
it from him in the background.
Ringside and Hardy is out here. They replay how Nitro won his title back last week before we get
back to Hardy who looks like fucking Donnie Darko in his blue lights. Nitro and Melina are next for her to shine a brining
light on my day.
Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title Match)
Nitro and Hardy tie up as Tard tells us “way back when” as in a few weeks ago, Nitro
lost the title to Hardy. Hardy whips off the ropes and hit’s the cross body. Tard says hello to Paris Hilton and Kevin
Federline for Nitro before mentioning his “problems at home”. Nitro trips Hardy from the outside to get back in
control, but Hardy drops kicks him with a back lean on the top rope. He hits mounted punches on Nitro into a slingshot dropkick
to the sternum. Hardy foes up top and Nitro rolls to the floor, but eats a baseball slide inside. Jeff hit’s a cross
body to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: They so didn’t just make a series out of groundhog day.
Back to the show. Hardy scoops Nitro’s legs out from under him for the leg drop to the ground
for two. Nitro hit’s a HUGE springboard roundhouse kick to the face for two off the ropes. Dyaaamn. Nitro pins for two
and punches him a couple of times before following such a devastating move with a headlock.(take a shot). Crowd rallies for
Hardy and Nitro yanks the hair to send him down. Nitro misses his Breakdance Legdrop, but Hardy rolls him up for two after
dodging. Nitro counter with a move of his own to get two consecutive two counts and back to the headlock. (aaaand another
Hardy misses a shot in the corner, but against the ropes Nitro manages to rack himself on the top
rope “Right in the manhood” according to Tard, because we couldn’t tell what sex he is. Standing ten count
leaves Hardy picking up two when he gets up to land a reverse mule kick. Big Back body drop and Hardy hit’s the leg
drop onto the legs for the rollup of two. Hardy bombs Whisper in the Wind. Johnny lifts Hardy p into a reverse sit down power
bomb. He only gets two and goes up top. Nitro scream and leaps off to give plenty of warning so Hardy hit’s a power
bomb reversal for two. Jeff goes up and lands the Swanton while Melina distracts the ref. hardy has to beat Nitro back down.
Twist of Fate is countered and Melins grabs his leg.
Nitro flips over the ropes, hanging Hardy’s neck on them. Hardy eats a neck breaker and a Dragon
moonsault, but he pulls out the inside cradle from nowhere at the two count for the win.
Tard calls it a fast count as Nitro gets pissed and hit’s a DDT on Hardy. He grabs a ladder
that Tard calls a big one, even though it’s a smaller one. Nitro goes up top to ride the ladder down onto hardy from
the top rope. Out in the parking lot, DX are trying to figure out what to go do with the money. Hunter asks if they should
buy tickets, but its sold out because everyone knew they were here. They think they see scalpers and it turns out to be Cryme
Tyme. And of course they have tickets. Hunter doesn’t understand what they are saying. Shawn quotes Airplane! And says
he speaks Jive. Shawn acts as mediator. Before they leave from buying the tickets, Hunter adds a “For Shizzle”
to awkward silence as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: See No Evil, but see this film. It’s pretty decent and funny
to boot since Kane is in it and all.
Back to the show. Carlito is reading the Daily star he gets the cheap pop with Manchester United
while talking to Torrie and her two friends. The girls ask him out, but he says his hotel is on the other side of the city.
Torrie says her hotel is right around the corner and she has the same flight tomorrow, so he can crash with her. He then begins
to frantically look for Torrie’s friends in the magazine after they leave since they are supposed to be in there. They
replay Cena getting destroyed earlier tonight to lead into counting down the matches for Survivor Series. In the back, DX
buys the concession stand for the fans of DX merch. They show all the stuff around to people. They come out through the crowd,
giving away stuff to folks still as we go to commercial.
Back to the show. Lita is out for her match and she stares at the ringside DX as they jump and wave
about. Tard feels the need to argue with everything JR says in the most retarded manner he can muster it seems. Lita grabs
a mic after Mickie comes out. She says it is like last week. She has good news and bad news. The good news she won’t
have one arm tied behind her back, but this week her legs will be shackled together. JR says he has seen something like this
in a hotel in 88. They handcuff her ankles together which is obviously the same as shackling of course. Mickie says it is
actually Lita who needs her legs tied together. Well, something resembling a match ensues, but I prefer this:
“Now it's time for me to tell you about Young Nastyman,
archrival and nemesis of Wonderboy,
with powers comparable to Wonderboy.
What powers you ask? I dunno how 'bout the power of flight?
That do anything for
ya? That's levitation, holmes.
How 'bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away...
with mind bullets! That's telekinesis,
How 'bout the power to move you?”
Somehow a Salami wins the match for Mickie. Lita gets mustard and a salami in the face. The Jokes
are so obvious I bet you can think of better ones so we’ll let that one lie.
Before Mickie’s music even stops playing, Edge and Orton come out to point at DX fro the corner
all threateningly while Coach yells at them, trying to kick them out. He calls security.
Random Commercial Thought: Touristas = Hostel….again….
Back to the show. Piper comes out (Go! Beer Gut Powers activate!) only to get surrounded by the challengers
before he even makes it to the ring. They crush him with a chair and hit a one man conchairto while Orton takes care of Flair.
Piper lies squashed in the floor while Flair is tossed into the ring to start the match.
Tag Team Champion Ric flair vs. De-Degeneration X (Handicap Tag Team Titles Match)
Flair chops Edge down from the ropes, but eats a back body drop out of the corner. Edge points at
Piper as he is helped by the trainers and medics. Edge works a headlock onto Flair in the middle of the ring (take a shot).
Edge punches him down for a bit and taunts before tagging in Orton. Randy attacks with rights in the corner to beat Flair
down the ground, stomping him down before showing off as well. Randy clothesline Flair over the ropes to the floor. He suplexes
Flair on the floor, restarting the ring as Tard plays up the fact Flair is going to lose so much you can’t help but
KNOW he’s going to win. Ric is beaten against the ring barricade before Edge tags back in. He walks around like Flair
then goes to the chinlock (take a shot).Tard says Flair had a plane crash FIFTY YEARS AGO. Which JR corrects him as if he
were talking to a special ed student.
Orton tags in and while the ref is distracted by Edge, Flair punches Orton right in the balls. Edge
tags in and attacks Flair who catches him with leveling chops. Flair goes into a punch combo into a back body drop. He starts
dropping them both, but Orton grabs him from behind. Orton pratfall son a dropkick and is about to be locked in a figure four
before Edge hit’s the sloppiest spear on him out of it. Tard sounds like an ass as he announces the champions.
Edge & Orton
DX Music hits and De-Degeneration X makes a run for it while DX have a brawl with security in the
Highlight of the Night: A great match with Nitro and Hardy, with an unexpected ending to boot
that made it really good.
Lowlight of the Night: The titles are pointlessly hot-shotted to Edge and Orton to act as
props for their feud for a while.
Eugene Award: Benny Hill rolls over in his grave as inane antic ensue, including flying cheerleaders.