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WWE RAW RANT: (05/04/09) By Cameron Burge
 
My head throbs with the pain of a million rhinos ramming their horns into the inside of my skull. I wish I had voices crowding my head like Randy Orton, at least there would be some interesting conversations too. Anyway, let’s get on with tonight’s show.

Raw 05.04.09

Show opens with Orton/McMahon recap, theme and we are off to ringside for Randy Orton’s entrance for his match right away. Wow that was fast. Shane decides to enter from behind and attacks Orton from behind. The fight spills out into the crowd and Orton starts to take over while they brawl. When Shane battles back Orton tries to run but is caught from behind like a prison rape scene. They fight back into the ring and Shane leaps off the ring barricade with a clothesline before clearing the table and laying Orton out on it. Shane fights off Legacy as they come to the rescue but is soon kicked down into the ground by all three. MVP comes to the save but is also outnumbered and beat down by the Ken Doll look-a-likes.

MVP is thrown to the floor and the beat down on Shane continues before Batista arrives and spears Rhodes while everyone else runs. Vickie decides to walk out and not ride in a wheelchair. She decides to have the match redone later tonight. Batista will take on Ted and MVP will take on Rhodes. Whoever wins in their match will go on to join in the Shane/Orton match, making it essentially a handicap match later tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Curdled cheese kills.

Back to the sow where Matt Hardy I out to take on Kofi. Te announcers discuss that Matt might not really have a broken arm. Matt bitches and whines some more about his broken hand and is once again wrestling under protest.

Matt Hardy vs. Kofi Kingston

Hardy goes for a headlock and seems to have trouble holding it on as Kingston switches to an hammerlock. The hold is forced to break and Hardy dives to the outside when Kingston pulls on his arm a little. He catches Kofi with a cheap shot and Kingston just decks him. Hardy sends Kingston to the corner but Kofi rolls him up for two. Springboard cross body misses entirely as I think Kofi needs to start actually looking before he jumps off for that move. Hardy hangs Kingston up by the midsection on the ropes and gets a two count. Suplex gets him another two but a second suplex has Kofi wiggling his way out of the broken arm. Kofi pummels back and delivers a big dropkick and the springboard cross body. Kofi follows with a clothesline and the boom boom boom for two.

Bob Orton, I mean Hardy rung into Kingston with his arm and they both stumble back. They pull back and Hardy tries to clothesline with his broken arm as Kingston ducks under the arm and delivers Trouble in Paradise for the win.
Winner: Kingston

After the match while Kofi is celebrating he eats a cast in the face. For some reason King is still all Heel announcer mode tonight in supporting Hardy’s arm claim. Hype for Shane and Orton as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Everything this bank does is for me apparently. So I want all the money they hold for me.

Back to the show. Santino is telling some blonde chick whose name I don’t recall. He says Santina can’t be here tonight because Vickie breathed on her and gave her the swine flu. Chavo comes up from behind to say he shouldn’t talk back on him or Vickie. He tells Chavo to give her a message of apologies for him….and then squeals surprisingly well like a pig. Wow.

We get replay footage of what’s going on between Show and Cena as Big Show goes to the back to demand a match tonight with Cena. She says he isn’t cleared to wrestle until Judgment Day. He whines and leaves because he has to leave. The Bella twins then assault MVP in the most annoying way possible and ask him out. I totally have that happen all the time. Hot bitches just flock over me.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m tired of Geico commercials now.

Back to the show where MVP is out for his match while they decide to once again replay him standing up to Orton last week. For some reason Regal is here to complain he hasn’t had a title shot yet against MVP. You’re a brit, you can’t have the US title, dick!

US Champion MVP vs. Cody Rhodes (Non-title Match)

MVP takes Rhodes down easily and chain wrestles him around. MVP keeps control until Rhodes kicks his legs out from under him and works over the leg now with various holds. King has to see the replay to see what happened to the leg, while I myself just guessed and got it exactly right because I’m not retarded. Rhodes kicks his leg when MVP tries to come back in the corner. Rhodes eats a knee to the face and an elbow drop. Regal punches MVP’s knee from behind while Cody is distracting the ref. MVP gets counted out in all lameness. Sigh.
Winner: Rhodes

Random Commercial Thought: CORN!

Back to the show where we get a replay of a Dance Off between Layla and Eve on Smackdown to make “hype” for the sing off on Raw, hosted by King….Jillian will sing off against her hand picked contestant….Festus…somebody help me. Jillian sings a song I don’t really recognize anymore. Festus has trouble getting around to sing. Jillian keeps trying to win automatically and King won’t let her. He puts the microphone to his mouth and the bell rings. He sings the Sun will Come Out Tomorrow. They ring the bell again to leave him posed awkwardly. That was….frightening. I think Jillian might have been a little better actually. Festus actually wins. She begs for another song until The Miz interrupts with his entrance. Miz makes Festus form a Loser symbol on his own head before kicking his ass and tossing him out of the ring.

What is going on? It’s like Raw has become about people I don’t care about all of a sudden. Miz claims Cena is afraid of him. Miz invites him out again and we see a video of Cena walking through the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought:  Klignon Burger King? Wow.

Back to the show where Miz asks why everyone is booing him despite Cena still not coming out. The stock footage of him walking must have ran out. Maybe they can replace it with old Disney footage of birds. Miz says that Cena is manufactured by WWE for the kids and women to scream for. That’s…actually kinda true yeah. Miz demands again that he be announced the winner when finally Cena’s music interrupts things. Cena comes walking as slowly as anyone ever could walk. He finally makes it to the ring as Miz takes a hike. Guess he had important reality show stuff to do like eat scorpions.

Big Show makes an appearance now and faces off with Cena in the ring. He then proceeds to kicking him down and punching Cena around on the ground. The worlds stupidest camel clutch ensues for some reason. The awkwardness continues, like that time you walked in on your sister naked when I was fifteen.

Random Commercial Thought: People photo shopped over pretty backgrounds makes me want to buy things more.

Back to the show….for Jarrod the subway guy as ring announcer. Why the fuck? Somebody tell this retard hold the microphone right.

Mickie James vs. Diva’s Champion Maryse (Non-title Match)

Maryse refuses to tie up with Mickie and just tells her to talk to the hand so Mickie attacks from behind and beat the holy fucking hell out of her. Mickie works an arm over and then sends Maryse to the floor. She misses the baseball slide and Maryse slams Mickie to the ring barricade before stepping on her. Maryse makes a two count and Mickie comes powering back now with a dropkick for to of her own. Mickie is put up top for a snap mare but she ducks a kick and signals her DDT for the three.
Winner: Mickie

I heard Jarrod was testing out his five dollar footlong during that last match. *rimshot*

Random Commercial Thought: Look out it’s a lion! Get in the car!

Back to the show where Batista and Dibiase as out soon enough to get it on in a completely heterosexual manner despite looking completely like two gay models.

Batista vs. Ted Dibiase

Batista powers Dibiase all around the ring as one might expect. Dibiase slips out of a Powerslam and attacks from behind only to run into a kick. Batista tries for the Batista Bomb but Dibiase slips out and eats a clothesline instead. Batista continues to work Dibiase over, but misses a running kick. Dibiase puts Batista down with a dropkick and mounted punches for two. King gets interrupted in a sentence several times and sounds a little pissed off with Cole now. Dibiase tries for another cover and goes to a headlock now right out of the school of Orton.

Drop toe hold trips Batista up when he tries to come back but a corner charge has Dibiase running right into a kick to the jaw. Batista rams his shoulder to the midsection until the ref makes him break. Batista takes a slap to the face and refuses to stop beating Dibiase’s ass in the corner, choking him and kicking the living tar out of him until the ref DQs,
Winner: Dibiase

Random Commercial Thought: Blood Diamond, a movie about Africa!…staring a white guy.

Back to the show. Chavo is in the back talking about the match tonight. He tells her she has to make sure Shane and Batista don’t get into the match tonight. He says if MVP interferes, he loses his title and if Batista interferes he loses his title match. This seems like an awfully awkward scene. Is Vickie somehow getting even fatter?! And Uglier?!

Off to ringside for Brian Kendrick…THE Brian Kendrick against Carlito who tells Primo to take it to the back and goes it alone.

Tag Team Champion Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. The Brian Kendrick

Kendrick gets a low kick in cheap and Carlito powers back out of the corner with a clothesline and back body drop. Carlito drops Kendrick hard and picks up two before springing from the outside into a reverse heel kick from Kendrick for two. Carlito gets fed up with this bullshit and just counters right into the Apple Jack for three out of nowhere.
Winner: Carlito

Afterward we get a highlight reel of a match so good I wish it had been on Raw desperately, showing Jeff Hardy to once again be getting a title shot. Did he borrow Batista’s Game Shark?

Random Commercial Thought: Youtube can be used to replace commercials in times of emergency.

Back to the show where we get a replay of how MVP is going to be on The View…yeah I knew you cared. Batista and MVP get a fail revue for tonight before we see Batista approaching Shane in apologies. I find it amusing how he can’t actually put his arms completely down at his sides because of his bloated physique. Legacy makes their way out and we head off to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Is it safe?

Back to the show where Shane heads out to get this match underway.

Legacy vs. Shane McMahon (Handicap Tag Match)

I missed the very beginning, but you can imagine it mostly as Shane getting the tar stomped out of him in the enemy corner. He fights his way out and takes it to Orton. Orton runs and makes the tag, diving to the floor where Shane gives chase only to be caught off guard by Dibiase in the ring. Shane knocks Legacy off the apron and levels Dibiase before going up top for an elbow drop and a two count when Rhodes breaks it up. Shane and Rhodes botch a clothesline to the floor attempt when it whiffs so Rhodes rolls himself to the floor. Dibiase and Shane spill out the floor now with Shade beating Dibiase into the stairs and grabbing a chair. Orton gets Shane from behind and tosses him back to the ring. Orton makes the tag and stomps him down. This match is making Legacy look like completely inept retards as they are almost losing way too often.

Cody tags in and does the same before going up top. He completely bombs and makes the tag to Dibiase. Dibiase pummels Shane into the corner. Shane delivers a clothesline and drags Dibiase from the tag but is kicked off for Orton to come in. Shane delivers several punches and clotheslines Orton to the floor before sending the rest of Legacy to the floor over the ropes when they come in. Rhodes eats the steps and Orton is slapped off the apron in his escape to get caught on the edge of the ring. Shane clears the table again as we are seeing a rerun now from earlier. Orton is laid out on the table and Shane goes up top. Shane completely misses Orton as he goes through the table and Orton rolls out of the way. What happened to count outs?

Shane’s foot is put t the steps and Orton beats on it with a chair. At least he isn’t having his balls electrocuted or anything this time. Orton proceeds o sandwich his ankle between the two steps. The referee army arrives to try and push Legacy off. Batista comes out to chase Legacy off despite the fact the match never officially ended.

Highlight of the Night: Nothing really stood out, but the highlight would have to be Santino’s pig squeal.

Lowlight of the Night: The singing contest was painful and boring to watch. Who the fuck writes this crap?

WWE “Creative” Award: The Miz has beef with Cena because……?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 
Welcome back to the Raw Rant, the only article on the internet written on the hopes and dreams of orphan children. Tonight’s show is brought to you in simultaneous broadcast of an EPIC pokemon battle between me and my friend Josh. That’s right. Pikachu is more important to me than Randy Orton. Fuck that guy.

Raw 05.11.09

Randy Orton opens the show by coming out with his Oiled Man-slaves to stand on the ring entrance. He tells us we don’t fight back against our unfair bosses or some crap like that, but he does something about it. Like commit criminal acts. Randy replays his total wrecking of Shane last week. He then says that he and Batista are forbidden from touching one another by Vickie. This brings to mind horrible images. Images best never spoken of ever again. Ever. Orton invites Dave out to have a chat, wanting him to join Legacy. He decides to segue onto Arn Anderson because…uh….yeah. It has some kind of allegory between them and the Four Horsemen. Batista refuses the generous offer to join the YMCA parade ad Orton says he is lucky they can’t beat each other’s asses (in a hetero manner) tonight. Batista says a sentence that makes so little sense, it might as well be spoken by Rainman. He says they can ignore Vickie because she won’t cancel their match
and nothing is keeping him from whipping Orton’s ass right now.

BUT WAIT! The walrus is here to shut us down in the most hideous moomoo ever conceived. Goddamn Mexicans. She decides to make it Batista vs. Priceless where is e loses he has to be in a handicap match tonight, but if he wins he gets to give us our PPV for free. And that match is next. Oh huzzah. I am ecstatic.

Random Commercial Thought: Stop calling me I don’t want to have sex with you!

Back to the show where Batista is already destroying Cody Rhodes. Yay!

Priceless vs. Batista (2 on 1 handicap Match)

Cody gets his shit wrecked early on and suplexed. Cody escapes a power slam and chop blocks Batista’s knee. Dibiase makes the tag and decides to punch on Batista’s kneepad because attacking a nicely guarded part of a guys body when you could remove the offending object first makes a lot of sense. They then proceed to throw hi leg down in the way it normally bend which of course causes EXCRUTIATING pain…to arthritis victims. Dibiase an Rhodes exchange some quick tags before DAVE powers his way back out and returns to annihilating Cody Rhodes again. Dibiase is sent to the floor but Rhodes attacks him from behind only to be thrown off to the floor. Dibiase comes in to distract the ref while Rhodes gets a chair. Batista grabs the chair and gets a DQ from the ref despite hitting no one.
Winner: Batista

Batista ponders why he is such a colossal fuck up as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: This break brought to you by Awesome: http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/6719-1-year-anniversary-video

Back to the show where Maryse says something in French and then says if she wasn’t Maryse she would want to be. This makes perfect sense, because everyone loves a villain who can wax philosophical. As Mickie James comes out we find out this is a Diva tag match actually just no one cared about anyone else.

Mickie James & Kelly Kelly vs. Jillian Hall & Diva’s Champion Maryse

Jillian gets her ass kicked by Kelly which says she should probably quit wrestling. Kelly botches her offense all over Jillian in a manner so impressive I would almost swear it was intentional. Jillian tackles Kelly to the ground when she is distracted by Maryse. Maryse tries to keep it Blondes Only like all of my late night fantasies, refusing to let Kelly make the tag. Maryse does a camel clutch that shows off her camel’s toe. Kelly fights her way free because this is more like sexual harassment than wrestling. Maryse drags her down by the hair and cheap shots Mickie off the apron before eating a sad dropkick from Kelly. Mickie is in and delivers some wrap around clotheslines. Headscissors out of the corner has Mickie going up top for a senton pin for two. Jillian breaks up the pin and is dumped to the floor for Kelly…who botches the followup clothesline to the floor. Maryse misses a DDT and eats one from Mickie instead.
Winners: Mickie & Kelly

Josh Mathews…hey didn’t he used to wrestle? Anyway Orton is interviewed and can’t seem to find one of his partners in crime as we go to commercial. They all look the same, just pull out another clone and call it good.

Random Commercial Thought: Did you know cats can think?

We return to a replay of how John Cena was coke slammed through a spotlight that somehow set off a conveniently placed fireworks display behind it. Elsewhere now, Chavo is trying to talk Vickie into forcing Cena to compete tonight in an exhibition match because he and the Big Show think it is a good idea to show he will be good to go Sunday. This makes no sense, but Vickie thinks it is brilliant because she has nothing better to do. She puts him in a match against The Miz. Chavo wishes her a happy mother’s day, EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO DOMINIC! O SNAP!

For some reason Michaels Cole and King are announcing from the middle of the ring the card of Judgment Day. And we see a black man with the world’s tiniest novelty belts at ringside. Okay? This was done way pointlessly. Orton and Dibiase are still looking for Cody in the back. They find him finally as Orton says they need to watch each other’s back. While he has his back turned, Dibiase is mysteriously gone and found fucked up beyond belief. His words? “Rosebud”

Random Commercial Thought: Mahti is packing!

Back to the show where Mr. Kennedy will be returning soon. About damn time. That movie sucked ass. Carlito is out now with his bro. And they decide to do what tag teams do….wrestle separately. Brian Kendrick, The is out to take on Carlito here. Ever since Paul London left, Kendrick has just gotten gayer and gayer.

Unified Tag Team Champion Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Primo Colon vs. The Brian Kendrick

Carlito delivers a cheap shot and side drop kick. Kendrick apparently requested this rematch because he didn’t get his ass kicked hard enough. Kendrick gets his own cheap sot in and crushes Carlito in the corner before going up top only to jump off into a kick. Carlito delivers a rising knee into a clothesline, true combo. Running leg drop only gets two because Carlito isn’t orange enough. Carlito is thrown off the middle rope out of his moonsault by the hair. He causes Kendrick to miss a corner charge but Kendrick turns and tosses him shoulder first to the ring post and Carlito is rolled up by Kendrick for three.
Winner: Kendrick

Kendrick says he will find THE partner to take out their belts. Kendrick managed to steal a microphone from the ring announcer but left his shirt.

Random Commercial Thought: You gotta give me more than a little tiny smidgen of info on your candy before I’ll buy it and get in your van.

Back to the show where Big Show is here. Why? Because he can. Also, the most generic sign guy ever is here tonight, with a sign telling us how many watts the search light is. Big deal. Cena is out next to stare with Big Show and Miz comes out to talk shit but Cena won’t even give him the time of day to give a shit what he’s talking about. Miz’ relevancy has really dropped to nothing since he split with Morrison. He says he is The Miz and he is awesome, but I don’t really care.

John Cena vs. The Miz

Cena wrestles Miz down to the mat and keeps his eye on the Big Show, letting Miz back up. He continues to…wow, wrestle. Bizzarro world. Headlock take down is broken when he gets distracted by Big Show again. The Miz delivers a back suplex and stomps Cena down into a corner. Leaping clothesline into the corner. That move makes no sense. It would actually be weaker if you performed a clothesline that way. Miz continues to beat down and tries for another clothesline but misses Cena goes to his general offense. Ah things are back to normal now. Cena delivers a Five Knuckle Shuffle and signals the FU, but Vickie appears to announce the exhibition over. This distracts him long enough to allow Miz to deliver a DDT. Is it over?
Winner: Uh….um?

Big Show just chuckles at ringside before we take a trip to the back. Rhodes and Orton are discussing how Batista is after them and they have to take him out first. Randy sends Rhodes to go do it….because this makes perfect sense.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m made of chocolate.

Back to the show where Chavo and Vickie ask Santina to confront her/him about what he said last week and if they are both Santino/a. They test him with a kiss from Rosa and when he can’t resist he claims to be a lesbiano. S/he proceeds to oink at Vickie and slap Rosa on the ass on the way out. I hurt inside. Cody is in the back of…somewhere in the arena with the world’s most unreasonable steel pipe to hunt down Batista. He finds Hornswoggle in a closet who was probably masturbating. We then see a mysterious shadow and Cody gets his ass beats into the closet. Horrible things happen behind that closed door. Dark, horrible things.

Random Commercial Thought: Pirates of Dark Water was an awesome commercial.

Back to the show with a video about not trying this at home. I remember when that used to actually have Benoit in it for a while even after the incident. I suppose I shouldn’t try raping people in a closet like I just saw. Rosa spray painted some latex onto herself to serve as pants today as she and Beth arrive for a match with Santina. I think with this theme song back we should really bring back Billy and Chuck. Santino and Santina get their tattoos done at the same time I guess.

Beth Phoenix w/ Rosa Mendez vs. Santina Marella

Beth beats him into the corner and clotheslines Santina to the floor. I have trouble deciding how to call these matches. I’m tired of seeing Santino/a’s ass though. Beth military press slams Santina, but Santina reverses things and tries to go for an abdominal stretch. Beth locks her up instead but Santina escapes with a hip toss only to be put in a full nelson. He breaks free with pure strength almost but then just kicks out only to be mounted (lol). Beth yells about being embarrassed and delivers several punches only to be caught in a small package for three.
Winner: Santina

Uhg…how much longer must this go on. Santina dances with the ref who runs screaming in terror as he should. As we all should.

Random Commercial Thought: The Punch Out! Commercial was so fucking awesome.

Josh talks to Cena about Judgment Day. He whines about going through hard times and talks like some kind of fucked up black man, despite being rich and white. He says despite everything people have always managed to adapt and overcome. We are off to ringside for MVP to host the VIP lounge. We need more acronyms. MORE. I would take this much more seriously if MVP had a TV screen that was obscenely expensive. Regal is his guest who shoes up in a coat made from a stolen hotel room carpet. He gives a recap of everything he’s done which is actually a pretty short story. He claims to be above everyone in the pecking order on Raw. MVP manages to fit “Ballin’” into everyday conversation. He says Regal is boring while he himself is US Champion. Regal says is like the US and then rattles off some standard anti-american sentiment. Regal strips to his underwear now as Matt Hardy decides to appear. What will you do? He’s already damaged so throw the ball.
Matt is out to complain about his broken hand. Waaaaahmbulance time.

Matt says his formal requests have been completely ignored. He demands his loss while injured should be removed from the books and Regal needs to wait his turn. Matt says no one has defeated MVP more times than himself so he deserves first shot at the belt. Kofi Kingston then kicks his ass from behind. Chavo interrupts things to say that Vickie has ordered the ring be cleared out now. Regal and Hardy will go up against Kingston and MVP now. Where are they going to put the couches? MVP kicks Regal to the floor and lounges on one as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I couldn’t believe they made a wolverine commercial that fucking stupid.

US Champion MVP & Kofi Kingston vs. William Regal & Matt Hardy

Fastest moving men ever. We had time to clear the ring and start the match. Regal is being beat on as Kofi tags in and hit’s a cross body off the top for two. Kingston springs off the ropes when Regal tries to push him out. Hardy eats a kick to the hand and Boom Boom Boom gets a two count on Regal. Matt distracts the ref allowing him to nail Kingston in the back with his cast. Regal covers for two. Hardy is back in and delivers a scoop slam. He acts in extreme pain before putting on an abdominal stretch that he cant hold. Hardy delivers a cast shot to the gut as Regal tags in and kicks him around like al British people do to black men. Regal delivers a really weird suplex/scoop slam for two before tagging back out to Hardy. Regal continues to work Kingston down with holds, but Kofi breaks out with some kicks and makes the tag.

MVP comes in with a flurry of heavy blows, sending Regal down and landing the Ballin’ Elbow for two. Hardy breaks up the pin and Kingston hits him in the hand…with a foot. Regal dumps him to the floor from behind in an awkward motion before MBP pounces with heavy blows. Hardy wanders to the back while MVP delivers the Playmaker.
Winners: Kingston & MVP

And now, Orton on his way to the ring…what do you want to bet this takes five more minutes?

Random Commercial Thought: 5 min. later….

Orton is finally arriving to the ring! He tries to talk his way out of the match but Batista isn’t having any of it.

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Batista (Non-title Match)

Orton tries to start us off with the RKO but is thrown off. Orton tries to run away through the crowd and is dragged back to the ring for a series of spine busters. Batista decides that matches are for pussies and grabs a chair to just start beating on Orton with it.
Winner: Orton

Batista crushes Orton’s ankle with the edge of the chair before getting the steel steps. He brings them into the ring but Cody attacks only to eat a Batista Bomb. Dibiase attacks next and sends Batista into an RKO but he blocks it and slams both men off. Dibiase eats a spear while Orton runs for his pussy life.

Highlight of the Night: It’s definitely Santino/a’s pig call. It’s so amazing, it sounds just like Vickie.

Lowlight of the Night: The horror that was the diva’s tag match.

WWE “Creative” Award: What the hell was the point of Cena/Miz? Where are they going with this retardation?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 
Hey there suckers. Welcome back to the show that keeps on giving….you the exact same thing it was already giving you. It’s WWE Raw which, much like hell, is repetition. It’s WWE Raw which, much like hell, is repetition. Judgment Day, once again failing to end the world or call down Raptor Jesus to judge all the non-believers, has failed to change anything at all. Ric Flair was there though if you care. Also if you care, yours truly will be having his 23rd birthday tomorrow.

Raw 05.18.09

Randy Orton opens the show to shots of what happened at Judgment Day with him getting himself Disqualified last night. He announces himself as champion still, saying that he planning on taking Batista out for good only to be stopped by a geriatric old man. That’s kind of sad actually. Orton decides to bother bringing up a kick he did to Flair in 2007 and claims that it probably is what lead him to not be able to defeat Michaels at Wrestlemania….that’s a bit of a stretch don’t you think? He claims he’s proud to have kicked all of Evolution in the skull. I wonder what his obsession with the word skull is. He must think he’s Michael Cole. Ric decides to answer the calling out immediately. I bet he just got lost on his way to free coffee refills at McDonald’s.

Ric recaps for us what we already know, telling Orton he just ran chicken-shit scared from Batista to get himself disqualified. He says he saw Vickie an hour ago and made her feel better about he bad ending to her title match last night by giving her an idea. In three weeks there is another PPV and one more time Batista will get a shot at the title (as he sits in the back and polishes his game genie) but this time it is a cage match. Orton gives Flair a message too and beats his ass while Priceless strolls out slowly. Batista makes the save though and takes them out from behind like Rhodes and Dibiase are too fucking stupid to think he might not bother trying to help. The numbers game catches up until Cena makes the save (the rest of them take full damage).

Random Commercial Thought: Next season on Burn Notice, Bruce Campbell’s character chops off his own hand and replaces it with a shotgun.

Back To the show for a replay of what just happened. Josh asks Cena in the back why he made the save. He manages to fit The Champ is Here into a sentence despite not having a title when Vickie arrives in the ugliest clothes ever to say Legacy will be 3 on 2 against Cena and Batista. And now, a Diva battle royal for a title shot….why are we having this? When Mickie James comes out, it’s worth noting she decides to jump around like she’s the female version of Ultimate Warrior.

Diva’s #1 Contender Battle Royal

Beth destroys Kelly Kelly early on while the Bella twins double team Jillian Hall in the corner. Mickie tosses Rosa right away to the floor and Beth clotheslines a Bella to the floor. Jillian gets her handspring elbow on Mickie and the other Bella is chucked by Beth. Why isn’t Santina in this match? I’m disappointed. Mickie drops Jillian while Kelly Kelly is still passed out on the floor from a Powerslam by Beth way earlier. Beth works Mickie in a tree of woe and Kelly attacks from behind before dropkicking Beth through the ropes. Beth gets pissed and tries to drag Kelly out while Marse sprays hairspray in Mickie’s eyes. Kelly escapes Beth and kicks Mickie to the floor.
Winner: Kelly

…wait, what?

Random Commercial Thought: John Travolta kills people….yay!

Santino is show in retrospect last night getting his head knocked in by The Miz of all people before he comes to the ring to take on Chavo…wow big time stars here right now.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Santino Marella

Chavo strips Santino (Bowchickawowwow) and slams him around. Santino takes a break against the ropes for a long time to get prepped with thoughts of Santina. Chavo decides to just clothesline him during his weird little robot march. Chavo works a submission on and Santino uh…breaks free sort of. Chavo just slams him back down by the neck. Santino just hulks up during slaps to the face and just punches Chavo across the ring before nailing him with a reverse elbow. Santino looks surprised at himself and clotheslines to back body drop. This is awesome. Santino then runs into a drop kick before Chavo is up top for the Frog Splash. Santino rolls to the corner and ducks a corner charge before rolling Chavo up for three.
Winner: Santino

The crowd is hot for Santino here which is actually pretty funny. Chavo says Santina better get dressed because he Miss Wrestlemania crown will be defended against….Vickie…oh fuck.

Random Commercial Thought: Lil Mac had his bike stolen by a black man.

Does Disney count as a pop culture icon? WWE claims so. And now a Kennedy returning video. Maryse is in the back speaking chicken language to Miz who has no clue what she is saying. He says he still isn’t trough with Cena before we cut to Josh Mathews interviewing Matt Hardy. He says this isn’t a reward of the US title for beating up Hardy, he just wanted revenge for his hand or some bullshit. We cut to elsewhere where Vickie who is pissed with Chavo over his big mouth. Orton gets up in her face over something I didn’t bother to care about and you shouldn’t either.

Random Commercial Thought: These are the days of our lives.

Back to the show where Primo and Carlito are out to take on Goldust and Kendrick. Primo seems to have gone to the school of Most Ridiculous Ways to Wear Championship Belts.

Unified Tag Team Champions Primo Colon & Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. The Brian Kendrick & Goldust (Non-title Match)

Goldust starts off with Carlito and they have a fast exchange with several arm drags. They fight back to a neutral position and Kendrick gets pissed off, screaming at him to get the fuck out and let him handle it. He works Carlito down with a reverse headlock to show him how it’s done. Carlito is pounded into the corner and Kendrick demands that Goldust work Carlito over in the corner while the ref is distracted but he doesn’t. Carlito levels Kendrick with a dropkick and in comes Primo with huge flips and a Russian Leg Sweep for two. Kendrick bombs Sliced Bread and Primo takes him down wit a springboard cross body for three.
Winner: Kendrick

Kendrick talks shit on Goldust, blaming him and delivering a slap so Goldust comes into the ring and dispenses to staring him down while Hornswoggle attacks Kendrick with help from Goldust. This comes off Goldust saving Horny from Big Show on WWE Superstars.

Random Commercial Thought: How did we have two mall cop movies so close together?

Back to the show where The Miz arrives dressed as Cena to Thuganomics. Miz does a remix of the song about nerds and Star Trek fans. King comes to the ring after Miz declares himself another match winner. King has to explain how when somebody does come when you call them it doesn’t give you a free win. King does an example by calling out Batista. Then he calls out Hogan and Bruno Sammartino and Steve Austin for a 3-1 Handicap match. They actually come out and kick his ass….I wish. They accuse each other of talking out of their asses before Big Sow comes out. He tells him that playtime is over because Big Show has a submission match with Cena at WWE’s gimmick PPV that is coming up. Miz says he’ll beat Cena when he’s done beating Big Show and throws King like a projectile at Big Show. Show gets pissed that Miz ran and puts King in a camel clutch. This accomplishes nothing beyond being mildly amusing as assaulting the elderly always is.

Random Commercial Thought: Land of the Lost needed to stay lost.

Back to the show. And now, Jim Ross. What, Todd Grisham was busy? Matt Hardy is out for his US title match with MVP.

United States Champion MVP vs. Matt Hardy (US title Match)

MVP works Hardy over who is not wrestling under protest apparently despite his busted up arm. MVP suplexes Hardy from the apron into the ring and Hardy regains the advantage, picking up a two count. Hardy tries to remove the turnbuckle but the ref stops him. Hardy delivers a shot to the knee with his cast and begins to work the knee over the ropes and edge of the ring. It’s weird to see his rivalry renewed with the roles of heel and face completely reversed from the last time. MVP gets his leg wrapped to the ring post for a two count. JR busts out his golden oldie of not being a doctor but playing one on television. I’m pretty sure neither thing is true and he’s just having an old man’s hallucination. MVP rallies back, picking up a two count.

MVP goes for Ballin’ and limps into it on his bad leg for another two. Hardy cheap shot chucks MVP to the floor through the ropes. Hardy kicks the back of the knee out but another cast shot is dodged, getting it slammed into the ring post because when people move when I attack them I continue full force into the objects behind them all the time. MVP works the hand onto the ring steps and MVP stomps on his hand back in the ring before delivering the running boot in the corner and finishing with the playmaker.
Winner: MVP

We get pimping for Vickie’s match….WHYYYYYYYY?!

Random Commercial Thought: I like jelly bellys.

Back to the show where Ric is in the back talking to Batista. He’s pissed he got knocked down and wants to call Orton out next week. He says he can beat him still whether Batista thinks he can do it or not. Look, you’re fucking old man. Chavo is on the ground in the office trying to teach Vickie how to do a frog splash. She wants to call the match off when Santina comes in to say she was looking forward to it. I wasn’t. She wishes good luck in pig language.

Random Commercial Thought: I am afraid of what comes after this.

Back to the show where Vickie has no theme music. Santina comes to the ring to talk about how she is hotter. That might be true and this horrifies me. Santina gets slapped for the trouble and says she’s a lesbian who likes it rough. Santina makes out with Vickie and I barfed. Chavo makes it a no DQ match now.

Vickie Guerrero w/ Chavo Guerrero vs. Santina Marella w/ Extra Equipment (No DQ Miss Wrestlemania Title Match)

When they go to square off Chavo takes Santina out from behind. Chavo mounts and continues to kick her ass until Santina flips over and fights back. They continues to trade back and forth until Chavo makes a run for it. Chavo gets dumped to the floor and Santina goes for Vickie until William Regal makes the save with an exploder suplex and a rising knee to the forehead. Vickie covers and picks up the three.
Winner: Vickie

Vickie is Miss Wrestlemania. Uhg……Oh she does have a theme song. It sucks.

Random Commercial Thought: Maybe in the new UFC game matches will last more than a couple of seconds.

Back to the show. It’s time for the main event and we still have quite a bit of time left in the show tonight for this one. Batista and Cena makes their separate entrances after Orton’s crew of clones (CoC?) enter the ring.

John Cena & Batista vs. Legacy (Three on Two Handicap Tag Match)

Cena starts off the match, annihilating everyone with clotheslines while Orton runs away to the outside. He just hangs around out on the floor for a while during Cena’s raping of the other two. Cena tags out to Batista and everyone spills into the ring with Cena and Batista clothes lining both Rhodes and Dibiase to the floor. Orton was trying to slither in behind them but turns tail as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Drag Me to Hell is the real life retelling of Uwe Boll’s movie creation process.

Back to the show where Legacy are now in control. I AM SO SURPRISED. Batista’s knee is being stomped on by Orton. Orton picks up a two count and tags in Dibiase. Somebody greased Orton a little too much tonight as he looks like he has more oil on his back than uh…I have no idea where I was planning on going with this. They can’t all be gold. Dibiase delivers some elbow drops and works a headlock in. Thrilling. Rhodes makes the tag in and Priceless double teaming ensues. Dibiase and Rhodes exchange some quick tags with Dibiase working Batista over on the ground and going back to the headlock. Oh yay.

Batista finally breaks free but Dibiase and Batista bump head which for some reason makes Ted fly across the ring. Rhodes and Cena are in and Rhodes takes the regular offense. Protobomb sets up for Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes for the FU but a scooped Rhodes makes the blind tag. Cena tries to cover but Orton comes in and just beats him in the back of the head. The ref decides she shouldn’t even warn Orton for punching Cena so much he pummels his head into the ground until he’s not moving. Usually they get on you for that stuff. Cena takes a knee to the back of the head. Dibiase kicks Cena in the head from the outside while Orton distracts the ref and they work his head over the ropes. Dibiase is in now and he goes for a flying knee drop but he misses Cena entirely. Dibiase stops the tag and lands the Million Dollar Fist for a two count. If he was as badass as his dad that would have worked.

Cena is back in the corner now with Rhodes beating his ass. Who says these two dorks belong in the main event again? Can somebody explain this to me? Cena powers back on Rhodes but misses a corner charge. Moonsault out of the corner by Rhodes for a two count which was actually quite impressive. Orton makes a tag in and works the head over some more. Cena powers back again and eats a dropkick for his trouble which scores a two count. Oh NOEZ SLEEPER HOLD. Cena fights free of the sleeper and makes the tag to Batista. Batista clotheslines Batista and slams him into the corner with a splash followed by a Powerslam for two. Out on the ring entrance, Big Show has attacked Cena but Cena fights him off with a chair, chasing him to the back. Batista lands a spine buster on Orton and has to toss Cody and Dibiase to the floor. Flair takes Rhodes out when he tries to come back in, allowing a spear on Orton for three.
Winners: Batista & Cena

They show what happened when the camera weren’t where they need to be. As Show came out, Flair ran by him and passed the chair he brought off to Cena before slamming Rhodes to a ring post. Flair celebrates in the ring with Batista.

Highlight of the Night: Santino hulking up and surprising himself against Chavo was definitely the highlight of the evening.

Lowlight of the Night: Vickie wins Miss Wrestlemania. This is somehow even more inappropriate than Santina having it.

WWE “Creative” Award: Ric Flair makes a return to Raw as a sideshow prop. Way to polish that legacy there.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 
Welcome to the only show where Raw will take on the Denver Nuggets. I…I am completely speechless about this bullshit. Why do I even have to ear about this? Let alone being asked to care. This is bullshit.

Raw 05.25.09

Show opens with a tribute to the troops and then we are greeted by the owner of the Denver Nuggets. Time to take a break everybody, nothing to see here. Is his hair real? Is this really him? Why the fuck is Jack Nicholson here? He complains about the photoshopping of him to look like a devil and that Vince is an angel. I can agree that they should both look like demons to me. Apparently this is all based off of the double booking of the arena Raw was supposed to be in. Vince comes out to talk to him about the E. in his name standing for Enis. This all culminates in Vince just pushing the guy out of the ring. I didn’t care.

The Miz comes out to talk about how he became a huge star in LA. When was that? I must have blinked. He says Cleveland will win because that’s where he’s from. I think somebody forgot we are Wrestling fans and not Basketball fans. They must have got us confused. Cena comes out to beat Miz down but is attacked from behind by Priceless. So Batista comes out and spine busters everyone. Big Show proceeds to somehow sneak up on everyone and attack with head butts but he is fought off by…The King….bullshit. Show starts to fight back but Cena and Batista clothesline him to the floor. We see some random hooker, oh wait that’s Kelly Kelly, getting ready for a match.

Random Commercial Thought: Leisure Suit Larry is accurate to real life.

Back to the show where Kelly is out to take a shot at the toy belt that they call a title. I forgot to mention that JR is calling matches tonight because King will be wrestling later. This is apparently important.

Kelly Kelly vs. Diva’s Champion Maryse (Diva’s Title Match)

Kelly Kelly gets caught in a swinging backbreaker that is completely botched by Kelly forgetting to actually let herself be picked up. Kelly starts backflipping out of moves and delivering springboard elbows. This is considered completely boring and so Maryse just drags Kelly out to the floor and beats the holy fuck out of her on the floor. Maryse keeps beating her down on the announce table while the ref counts and eventually she gets disqualified for some reason. She didn’t really do anything illegal but whatever.
Winner: Kelly

Uh ok….?

Random Commercial Thought: Watch McDonald’s customers rock out.

Back to the show. Jack Nicholson(?) is in the back with Nickie and Bria Bella when he is approached by Hornswoggle and Goldust. Nothing that happens after that should ever be spoken of EVER. AGAIN. We then cut to a replay of Ric Flair getting punched by Orton last week. He is in the back getting dressed in his best duds. Because that’s how I dress when I call someone out. In a suit. Batista tries to talk him out of it, but fails. Like he does at life.

Random Commercial Thought: Everything would be better with a random head explosion in it.

Back to the show where we’re going to get right into our next match.

Kofi Kingston vs. Matt Hardy vs. William Regal (US Title #1 Contender’s Match)

Kofi starts us off with William Regal after Matt runs to the floor. He annihilates Regal, spring boarding back off the ropes. Kingston sets up for Boom Boom Boom but gets tripped by Hardy from the outside. Hardy cheap shots everyone and tries to pick up a cover on both guys to no avail. As he works Kingston over in the corner, MVP makes his way out to the ring and we go to commercial.

Aaaand since we haven’t seen a commercial in two seconds.

Random Commercial Thought: Royal Pains in my ass.

Back to the show where MVP is on the microphone now. Kofi tries a sunset flip on Regal but Hardy breaks things up. He picks up a two count with a neck breaker but Regal breaks up the pin. Kingston powers back on both of them and picks up a two count on Regal but Matt breaks it up. Kingston delivers some kicks and dropkicks before nailing the boom boom boom. Leaping onto Matt in the corner, Regal throws him off with an exploder suplex. Hardy comes back on Regal with a side effect and gets two. Regal dodges a twist of fate with a back suplex. Regal removes his knee guard but Kingston counters the knee lift with Trouble in Paradise. Hardy breaks up the pin but eats his own Trouble in Paradise for the three.
Winner: Kingston

Post Match, the two bros share a moment to show us that we cannot indeed trust whitey at all.

Random Commercial Thought: Get under the hood and fuck it. Even if it’s an engine.

Back to the show where Ric Flair fucking over Legacy is shown before she hobbles out to the ring. Ric Flair is just like the tag team titles. A cheap prop used to make a feud look sort of important. He demands Orton fight him while looking him in the eye, you know like he did last time right before he punched him in the face. Orton comes out to say he would love to fight him, but he can’t. He says he lowered himself to punching a sixty year old….which is apparently different tan kicking one in the side of the head. He tells Flair that he’s completely over before Ric just delivers a pride-obliterating bitchslap. Batista makes the save before Orton can retaliate and Ken Kennedy appears. Wait, what? Kennedy has to get his microphone to drop while making faces like Jim Carrey. He says Randy looks surprised. He says he thinks everything is just getting started and it’s far over. Kennedy says tonight marks his official return as he joins the face team
in tonight’s big clusterfuck, I mean tag match.

Random Commercial Thought: Who the fuck ever thought the director of Evil Dead belonged doing Spiderman anyway?

Back to the show where we get a view of Vince McMahon’s Hollywood Walk of Fame star where a dog has just taken a giant shit. We now cut to ringside where Santino is coming out for a mixed tag team match with the winning team getting to choose the stipulation for the Miss Wrestlemania Rematch….wait WHAT?! He’s teaming up with Mickie James. Santino tries to cop as many feels as he can before Chavo and Beth arrive. I wish I had a poncho like that. I’d hide all sorts of inappropriate things under it that I could.

Santino Marella & Mickie James vs. Chavo Guerrero & Beth Phoenix w/ Rosa Mendez

Santino gets tackled by Chavo and beat down with kicks and uppercuts. Santino is played up by JR for his old fleeting moments as IC champion and a face. Beth chokes Santino out from behind while Chavo distracts but when she makes the tag she goes straight for him only to be cut off by Mickie. Santino distracts Beth from the ring apron, allowing a cross pin roll up, whatever it’s called, from behind by Mickie for the three.
Winners: Mickie & Santino

Post match, Vickie arrives in her stupid crown and sash. Vickie says she will officially have Chavo in her corner. Santino talks about some match ideas he has that all involved generic Italian foods. He challenges her to a hog pen match though….uh. Wow. What the fuck does that even mean? Are they going to say? No, they aren’t. Bastard. JR claims he has seen one, really close. I…I don’t think I want to know the rest of that story.

Elsewhere in the back, Big Show says he doesn’t like The Miz, no one does. He says Miz is not allowed to pin Cena except himself. He drops the words “John Cena” in full so many times I begin to wonder if he has Tourette’s syndrome. The Miz back talks him a little about not having been able to finish Cena off yet as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If that TV is poetry in motion, I want to see it leap off a turnbuckle backward.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Vince from earlier…nobody cared. Again. Goldust and his tag team partner…Hornswoggle…are out for a match. Primo and Carlito are on the mics and Carlito makes fun of his own hair in saying the headsets won’t fit over it. Primo remains as silent as ever apparently. This is the same guy who used to call Carlito a joke to the entire family. Kendrick, still looking as faggoty as ever (take that Halo), has teamed up with Festus for this event.

The Brian Kendrick & Festus vs. Goldust & Hornswoggle

Kendrick lets Festus start and he chases Goldust out to the corner where Hornswoggle tags in. Festus is confused as shit about Hornswoggle and just stands around while Horny delivers a dropkick through the ropes to Kendrick. Kendrick tags himself in and knocks Horny on his ass repeatedly. Kendrick picks up a two count with a SMALL package. AHAHAHAHA. Get it?…yeah anyway…Hornswoggle counters with a roll through DDT to make the tag to Goldust. Goldust delivers a flurry of moves and his drop uppercut. Kendrick gets him with a side dropkick but Festus refuses the tag. Kendrick slaps Festus who charges in while Kendrick is double teamed from behind. He takes the tadpole splash and that is that.
Winners: Goldust & Hornswoggle

Festus look out of it again while Kendrick berates him. Kendrick retrieves a chair from ringside and decides to do my grandfather’s method of education by beating intelligence into him with a chair. Primo leaves the announce stand though to ring the bell and Festus chases Kendrick away while Godzilla freaks out in the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: There are three things you need to know to succeed in life No I’m not going to tell you or you might take over my prestigious position.

Back to the show where we get a rundown of the card for Extreme Rules. Gimmicky goodness. The Lakers P.A. announcer announces all the people y their jersey numbers for this match and sounds about as bored as your grandparents watching a porno. Randy Orton’s entrance is just too epic for us to withstand it without a break so it’s back off to commercials with us.

Random Commercial Thought: Why didn’t it stay lost?

Back to the show for the faces to enter. Cena steals a lot of the Ballin’ taunts for himself and Batista decides to haul a tiny little basketball out. I thought he had a severe fear of those defeating him some day. Perhaps he IS a basketball after all….

Nuggets vs. Lakers (lolwut?)

Batista starts off with Rhodes and just runs him into the ground. He kicks Rhodes down before tagging out to MVP. MVP beats Rhodes down in the corner but Cody comes back with a kick to the jaw and a clothesline to drag him to the Nugget Corner. LOL nuggets…maybe I can sell them all for money? Orton delivers an inverted backbreaker before distracting the ref while Big Show clotheslines MVP on the floor. Well that was fun, but what I’m really wishing to see right now is more commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh good, I was worried I wouldn’t get any for a moment there.

Back to the match. Dibiase is practicing his rest holds again on MVP. MVP finally throws him off but the Miz prevents the tag. Miz delivers more in the form of headlocks but MVP breaks free and tags in Mr. Kennedy. Kennedy rushes over Miz and delivers a big kick for two. He scoops Miz up for a Mic Check, but Legacy distracts him to send him into the security wall. Back in the ring, Miz picks up a two count. Cornered again, Orton is back in, just pounding on Kennedy but the ref decides to try and pull him off rather than disqualify him because it wasn’t written into the script.

Big Show makes the tag and JR gives us a complete break down of his clothing. Freak. Was he jacking off during that list? On second thought, I don’t want to know. Cole enters into a contest of allegories concerning Big Show’s body parts. Big Show beats on Kennedy before Legacy starts taking turns on him now. Rhodes covers for two and Miz is back in now to fuck things up again. Yay headlocks. Dibiase tags in. Yay headlocks. Sigh. Kennedy tries to come back but gets clotheslined and it’s Orton’s turn now. Orton covers for a couple of two counts. Yay headlocks. Orton delivers a dropkick for another two. If I were still ding the headlock drinking game, I’d be wasted. Batista breaks up the pin. Orton drags him away from a tag for a…you guessed it, head lock. Kennedy counters with back suplex and makes the tag. Cena and Rhodes are in.

Cena annihilates of course with the general offense and the protobomb. Cena tags in MCP and they simultaneously do Ballin’ and Five Knuckle Shuffle. King comes in to do something and just nails The Miz with a punch. MVP delivers the Playmaker to Rhodes for three.
Winners: Lakers

Dibiase delivers his signature whatever to MVP, but then eats a Mic Check from Kennedy. Orton gives an RKO to Kennedy and Batista tries for the Batista bomb but Big Show stops him. Show goes for the Choke Slam only to be countered by a double suplex from Cena and Batista. The faces celebrate as the show goes off. Way to “Work” King.

Highlight of the Night: Announcement of Kofi vs. MVP. Should be awesome until a heel inevitably breaks it up to set us up for an Extreme Rules match.

Lowlight of the Night: Hornswoggle and Goldust win a match. I…I don’t need to say anything I don’t think.

WWE “Creative” Award: King was in that match because? What the hell did he even begin to add to that match besides more wrinkles?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).