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WWE RAW RANT: (05/05/08) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the best damn Raw Rant. We're racially tolerant. Seriously. We Are as I'm watching tonight's show with a black man! Take that you crackers. I'm officially more racially sensitive than the WWE.

Raw 05.05.08

Show opens with Vince McMahon and my attention span is automatically cut down to nil. Apparently he decides to make a statement about the ending that many people e-mailed and protested that he come here and respond to Regal's actions last week. He says the actions were reprehensible. He then contradicts himself by saying Regal reminds him of himself as visionary or something. It was probably just to give himself some air time before we have Regal introduced to the ring. Regal says we might not like him but we will respect him. Well, at least he's not on drugs like a certain man who was in the ring with him last week. When the people say he sucks he turns the lights off and we have a long pause. Well I hope everyone enjoyed the show tonight. See you all next week.

Highlight of the Night: The quirky recap at the beginning of the show.

Lowlight of the Night: The part where Regal ended the show again.

WWE "Creative" Award: Having Vince say absolutely nothing of worth.

Oh Regal finally brings the lights up and threatens to run the entire show in the dark which would probably be a blessing. Kennedy comes out and challenges Regal to a match who informs him that he's going to be in a match against the entire ECW roster. I hope Adamle is there. Regal says it is part of his promise to Estrada to promote tomorrow night's anniversary. Regal says he won't be disrespected but Triple H appears. Triple H bitches about having his match cut off but I'm not really listening. It ends with Regal making him Kennedy's partner for tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Raiders of Lost Ark was an excellent movie.

We return to the Diva lumberjack match. There are several pairs of tits around the ring. Beth Phoenix and Mickie are out and here we go.

Women's Champion Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix (Women's title Lumberjack Match)

Mickie gets her ass handed to her..in all its curvaceous glory.as the show goes. Mickie gets tossed out of the ring and the heels jump her. Tossed back into the ring, they proceed to botch three moves in a row like this was a fucking Sid Vicious match. Mickie gets two off a neck breaker that is also botched and gets tossed again and beat on again. Back in the ring Beth gets a two count and we suddenly go to the commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: At least I have chicken.

Mickie is in some freaky arm hold that has Mickie screaming like she's being buttraped by Beth's peni- I mean strap on. Mickie escapes with some kicks and counters another. When Mickie tries to go up top she is shoved off. Mickie kicks Beth out of the ring and the face Diva's try to slap her on the back weakly. Shoved back in the ring, Beth gets pissed and attacks Maria, dragging her into the ring and amidst the chaos, Melina attacks with a boot but clubs Beth on accident allowing an inside cradle.

Winner: Mickie

After the match I'm too busy oggling Maria's painted on leather pants to notice anything else. In the back, Jericho is talked to by Regal about his insinuation that Michaels is okay and told they will be teaming up tonight against Morrison and Miz. God help me.

Random Commercial Thought: Teeth are terrible.

Trevor Murdoch is in the back singing when suddenly he turns and...Trish fucking Stratus is there. What the fuck? Trevor asks for her opinion but before she can answer, Ron Simmons gives his opinion. We are told Ron is being inducted into some football hall of fame. Elsewhere Orton is being asked about Regal and CM Punk while I wonder if Someone. Will. Teach. Orton. How. To. Use. Vocal. Inflection.

Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck is wrong with America?

Back to the show where we apparently didn't get enough of the Burchill's doing a tag team match. They will crush this random jabroni from Canada. Regal comes out to turn off JR's microphone and replace him with a man who was disrespected..Mike Adamle. AHAHAGAGAHGAGHAHGAAAAAH! I want to fucking die. The crowd seems as thrilled as I am.

Katie Lea & Paul Burchill vs. John Cutler (Handicap Match)

Katie shoves Cutler as Mike tells us we don't know much about him except that his name rhymes with Butler and that if he wins, the Cutler will have done it. Help me. Help me please. King plays up how bad Mike Adamle is as he points out the obviousness of a handicap match, calling Katie a cheerleader. They argue over whether it is a handicap match or not as King says he wishes JR could hear this. I don't even care what is going on in this match. Assume that Cutler accomplishes nothing. Mike whines about how King is talking to him some as Mike says she isn't a pretty face. I'd hit that. They do a spot where John is held in bow and arrow by Paul and Katie leaps to stomp on him but they just kind of all fall around instead. Curbstomp and its over as Katie gets the pin.

Winners: Burchills

Mike asks King if it's a matter of time before we see Katie wrestling with the Divas. King asks if that was it and he's gone now. King says he wont complain about his announcing.it would last too long. King begs JR to come back who just sits and pouts like the fat kid at a party. In the back Jericho confronts Michaels and begs him not to feign more injury and fuck up their match.

Random Commercial Thought: Iron Man is apparently fucking amazing and I dreadfully wish I had seen it.

Back to the show. Morrison and Miz are on their way to the ring in slow motions as I wish I could move at fifteen frames per second as well. JR calls them the future of tag team wrestling and I suddenly wish Adamle was back. Jericho is on his way out as King fawns over JR like he was a girl scout selling cookies whom he planned on showing his special workshop in the basement. Michaels is next hopping about on his leg. You know, if Michaels' leg is hurt he should just use a crane kick. It worked for the Karate Kid.

Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho & Shawn Michaels vs. WWE Tag Team Champions The Miz & John Morrison (Non-title Match)

Miz starts off with Jericho and proceeds to apparently make a move for Jericho's junk, but I guess it was supposed to be a waist lock. Jericho delivers a suplex and slings Miz to the corner where Morrison tags in. Morrison runs into a hiplock into a one count. Morrison manages to make Jericho knock himself in the head. Jericho rolls through a roll up into a Walls attempt but Miz comes along the apron with a clothesline. Jericho ducks and delivers a springboard drop kick only for Morrison to springboard into a rainbow kick for two. And no that isn't just the gayest maneuver in martial arts. Miz tags in and goes to a chin lock. Yawn. Jericho fights them both off in the corner but Miz puts him back down with a running kick.

Morrison back in. Does anyone else think Morrison looks like Tarzan? Or that live action version of George of the Jungle. Morrison gets nailed by Jericho and Miz makes the run in only to be scooped into the walls. Morrison clotheslines Jericho out of it and kicks Michaels. Michaels rolls into the ring and drags himself on the rope delivering Sweet Chin Music and collapsing. Jericho finishes with a lionsault for three.

Winners: Michaels and Jericho

Jericho looks confused as Michaels hobbles off to the back.

Random Commercial Thought: Ethanol is just corn liquor.

Back to the show. Orton is out now to face off with CM Punk.

Randy Orton w/ hate of hotel staff vs. CM Punk w/o Momentum

Punk and Orton exchange headlocks before Punk clotheslines him to the floor. CM Punk shakes his ass at the camera in preparation for a flight but Orton grabs his ankle to keep him from going and just trips him off into the floor to send him prat falling. Back in the ring Orton gets a two count and performs his stalking stomps, which no one has yet to get a restraining order against. Punk back on the offensive with a sloppy knee to the gut before kicking Orton in the back and then in the head. Pepsi one picks up a two count. Regal decides to interrupt the match and turns off the lights again. This has gotten old. He says the match is officially over as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Carrot Cake doesn't taste much like carrots.

Back to the show where Orton is bitching about what Regal did to him to Tard Grisham. It is off to ringside for Carlito's Cabana where he is calling out Piper to respond to last week's actions. The man who ate Piper waddles out to the ring. Carlito says he knows more than anybody how annoying Santino can be but he took it too far. Piper calls him Buckwheat and that he's been taking stuff too far his whole life. He lists off his epic victories over Mr. T, Hulk Hogan and Cancer. I remember that last one. It was a real clinic. He apologies for not having the time to play nice with the Super Mario Bros. Carlito starts to rant when Santino arrives and says he doesn't need to lay a hand on this man because he's all his. Gaaaaaaaaay. Santino points out that it took Piper eight years to win the IC belt when he won it on his first night. Carlito and Santino back him into a corner when Cody Rhodes interrupts in his gangster gear saying this isn't how you treat a legend. You soccer kick them in the head. Carlito says Holly isn't here and Cody says he has two friends to back him up instead and it's Cryme Tyme. Carlito and Santino bail as Cryme Tyme steals the Cabana set for their own purposes.

JTG and Piper relax in the ring and Shad sings a song about Rowdy Roddy. Oh god he's dancing. Help me. There has to be something illegal about a hick, two Brooklyn hoods and a Scotsman dancing together in the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: If your copier is possessed by evil spirits, you may wish to call a repairman or a priest.

Back to the show where we pimp the card for Judgment day as we go to the back where JBL takes us on a tour of his limousine. He sits in a way that gives us a full view of his crotch. God damnit. He has internet in his car somehow. JBL gets back out of his car and comes to crush DH Smith who can be usually seen being crushed on Heat. JBL calls him the Canadian Bulldog and the last of the Hart foundation as none can come help him, including God, who has been no showing the WWE for years.

JBL vs. DH Smith

JBL attacks with pounding blows and then plows him through with a boot to the face. A few short arms clotheslines follow and JBL drops an elbow. He thankfully picks it up otherwise he would look weird. Clothesline from Hell ends it.

Winner: JBL

Post match, JBL destroys Smith in a corner.

Random Commercial Thought: The Battle of the Bands was better with Bill and Ted in it.

Back to the show. In the back Regal is arguing with the entire ECW roster with Punk pissed off about being cut off when he was winning. For some reason Nunzio is right up front. After he gives them all a pep talk, they file out but Kane leaves last with getting up in his face. We get a Smackdown Rebound as I wonder how anyone who watches Smackdown (not me) can stand the way Vickie Guererro talks.

Random Commercial Thought: Never leave your chewing gum on the bedpost over night.

The ECW roster is here with Kane to do his thing. Kennedy and finally Triple Hare out.

Elijah burke starts off with Kennedy and runs him down out of a headlock. Reversals in hiplocks into a clothesline by Kennedy. Kennedy drags Burke over for a tag to Triple H. Striker is tagged in when Burke escapes and Kennedy and Triple H just trade off kicking his ass. Strike escapes Kennedy and tags in Knox who seems to be suffering from "The Swell" and "Homeless Beard Syndrome". Knox clotheslines Kennedy tags in Chavo who picks up a two count. Kofi Kingston in now with some lame headlocks. Shelton tags himself in and destroys Kennedy which pisses off Kofi Kingston. Back suplex from Benjamin and in comes..Nunzio? They try to cheap shot Triple H and he comes in and starts cleaning house, sending Kingston to the floor. Trips goes for a pedigree on someone but Shelton super kicks him in the face. Striker eats a Mic Check but Kane choke slams him. Chavo seems to be about to get choke slammed by Kane as well up top but Bam Neely send him to the floor so Chavo can deliver the frog splash for the win.

Winners: ECW

Trips starts kicking more ass and eventually everyone just starts fighting. It's all a big clusterfuck with a bunch of people dragging Trips to the middle to take a chair form Knox but he takes it and cleans house until the lights go out. The lights come back on as Orton apparently took Warrior's secret tunnels to deliver an RKO to Triple H. that's all she wrote (thank god)

Highlight of the Night: I can't really recommend much of anything for your viewing pleasure. The Tag team match was decent.

Lowlight of the Night: Let's go with Vince McMahon still. That was utterly pointless.

WWE "Creative" Award: What was the purpose of chumping out just Kennedy in that match by having him take the entire ass kicking?

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 

Welcome back to the Best Damn Raw Rant, Period. The article that totally isn't ripping off anyone else's show name. Totally. I'd really love to say something humorous here. Probably something angry and horribly offensive (niggafaggot), but yours truly is also in the middle of writing his term paper that he had all semester to do and is now due tomorrow. So because of this, you're just going to have to live with it. Also, you may be interested to know that next Monday is my birthday and it's a personal rule of mine not to work on my birthday, so you'll probably be reading some hack replacement in this slot. In advance, I'd like to wish a pox upon whoever it is, just in case they turn out to be better than me.

Raw 05.12.08

Show opens in darkness. When the lights come up, Batman isn't standing in the ring as I expected but rather William Regal who has Lillian sing God Save the Queen (Because I'm going to bust a cap in her ass otherwise). Some moron has a sign to elect Regal as President which is illegal you retard. Regal is mad people don't respect his authoritah and says he will have people thrown out now. Please oh God pick the dude dressed as Orange and Tellow Hogan in the front row. Please. He says he will have them all thrown out with no refunds and Mickie James comes out to say it's her brother and his girlfriend. Regal gets the most hardcore heat ever from the crowd as Regal says he will have Mickie thrown out if she doesn't leave. Bitch either strip or go. Speaking of strip he says he will strip her (of the title) if she doesn't go as well. Cena's music plays since we haven't seen him around in a few weeks. Oh my god, some black guy in the crowd has his own spinner belt and is boppin' to the music. Cena escorts Mickie from the ring because he's totally gonna hit that later. Bastard.

Cena says when he comes back he's usually going crazy in the ring but he needs to seriously talk to him. Oh crap. He says he knows what it's like to give your soul to these people and still be told you suck (HA ha) but he's going about it the wrong way. The right way to do it is be booked worse. Cena says Vince is insane and talks to himself.a lot and says some of his sexual past times can't even be found on the internet. Which is pretty bad because you can find Mud flapping (That's sexual attraction to cars stuck in the mud). Cena reads some letters from fans.one of which is named Shawn Staziak. Another suggests a Fire Regal chant which for some reason can't get on rhythm the first time. The third is an old woman who says Regal is like pooping in her mouth. Wow. Talk about potty mouth. One mentioned how this was as bad as WWE Thunder. Regal says he gives his word he won't turn out the lights in any matches and since John hasn't been on Raw since he got kicked in the head and wants revenge so tonight it's John Cena and Randy Orton one on one. Cena says he doesn't believe him and JBL will interfere so Regal bans everyone from ringside or to be suspended. Regal says he feels he has earned some respect and leaves. Cena says that was just a good match not respect. Cena starts pushing it and demands...Respect by Aretha Franklin to be sang. What a dick. I love how she skipped most of the words.

Random Commercial Thought: The internet is really really great. For porn.

Back to the show where the bloated corpse of Roddy Piper is here. I say corpse because they always swell up with gas like that after you're dead. Carlito and Santino are out afterward to challenge for the tag team title while Roddy goes to the announce. Better than Adamle I suppose, but they don't give him a microphone. Is Cody on crack now or something? Why the fuck is he dancing around?

Tag Team Champions Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes vs. Santino & Carlito (Tag Team Title Match)

Holly starts off with Santino kicking his ass and Roddy mocks him while he is hung on the ropes. Santino trips up Holly and Carlito tags in to lay a beating on him. Santino and Carlito exchange some quick tags in the corner with Santino grounding Holly and dropping an elbow before telling Roddy that's how he does it. He does it while dropping elbows? And I thought donkey punches were uncouth. Carlito is back in and Holly back suplexes him and Cody is in now. Cody unleashes on Santino as he comes in as well and delivers a rebounding cross body for two. A power slam picks up another two for Cody. Clothesline is next but Santino delivers a cheap shot before going to the middle rope in the corner. Roddy distracts him and Cody delivers his DDT for the win. When the fuck is he going to get a real finisher?

Winners: Rhodes & Holly

Random Commercial Thought: It's hot in here. I should take off all my clothes. Live with that thought.

You know, Vickie said Taker would have Hell to pay. And I'm just wondering how much Hell charges these days. Off to ringside for Kennedy on the ramp with his microphone. I'm waiting for it to come down one day and smack him in the face. I didn't listen to what he said but I don't think it was important. He will now face Snitsky.

Snitsky vs. Mr. Kennedy

Snitsky beats him into a corner where he tries to kick back, but just gets stomped into the ground by this man who looks so pale he could be a giant cave fish. Bear hug that looks more like a male humping session follows. He tries to pound his way out, which sounds nasty but that's what happened. Snitsky just tosses him away instead. Snitsky misses a leg drop and Kennedy starts to sling some rights, ducking a clothesline and taking out the knee with a tackle. He starts dropkicking the knee and delivers his running kick in the corner. Snitsky crawls away and takes a chop block for two. Snitsky levels him with a clothesline because "Hoss Mad, graaarr!" Snitsky tries the Coathanger Slam but Kennedy slips out and into the Mic Check for the three.

Winner: Kennedy...Kennedy.

Kennedy celebrates off to the back like he actually accomplished something of important as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Psych, racially balanced..unless you're Mexican..or Asian..or anything but black or white..What the fuck are Eskimos?

Back to the show where Santino is pissed off about Piper and werewolves or something. Tard explains to him it was teen wolf and Santino says what he will do to Piper will be worse than a coconut to the head. Those things hurt. Mickie is in the back to hit on Cena. She invites him to come get a drink with her and her brother and his girlfriend. He says he has a serious match and says no and that he can't lose focus. She asks if he is joking and he is. He asks for a wild night. Get the fuck over the table..were those lucky Charms on the table behind him?! Mickie says she can do wild (bestiality?) Elsewhere Beth and Melina are on the way.

Random Commercial Thought: Basketball is for chumps.

Back to the show. The heel divas are here, followed by the faces as JR says Maria lost 225 lbs recently in Santino.

Maria & Women's Champion Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix & Melina

Maria gets a short offense in on Melina and tags in Mickie who delivers a weird split legged punch like Van Dam (not Rob) and then slams her down for a two count. Beth breaks up the pin and gets knocked from the apron by Mickie tossing Melina into her. Beth gets pissed and just leaves all of a sudden so Mickie delivers a neck breaker to Melina for three. That was.lame.

Winners: Mickie & Maria

JR says you can text to tell us if you think Michaels fakes his injury as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Strangers looks like a shitty movie.

Back to the show where 72 percent of the vote is that Shawn didn't fake it. As far as this storyline is concerned, if he didn't then there's no real reason for it to exist. Jericho is out and I think he stole my shirt. Ass. He plans to apologize to Shawn tonight so he recaps the footage concerning the knee from Backlash and later. Shawn hobbles out to the ring and keeps cutting Chris off as he tries to apologize saying that he really isn't hurt and faked it. Jericho chuckles and says he won't be fooled twice and get into his head. Jericho says he isn't a rookie and that mental trickery will not work on him even if it worked on Batista because Batista is probably a retard. He reiterates he is not hurt. Jericho claims his intelligence is being hurt because Shawn thinks he's smarter than everyone else and says he is hurt. Michaels kicks him in the face. Michaels repeats he isn't hurt. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. He clips over the ropes to a standing position to set it straight before he leaves.

Random Commercial Thought: Axe bullet is utterly useless when fire from a gun.

Back to the show. Some bad music plays and it can only mean Jeff Hardy is here. He seems to have been raiding MVP's wardrobe. For some reason I was just now reminded of the existence of Rico. What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh it's his fucking ridiculous hair and sleeves. Jeff says he made a mistake and paid for it as he completely ignores Kayfabe and that he was supposed to be injured. He tries to say the Intercontinental Title but calls it the Commintercontinental title when his microphone is cut off for Admle tendencies. Regal comes out to say he will be punished for his sins..by wrestling the same guy he wrestled every other week as IC champ in Umaga.

Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga

Jeff dives to the floor to attack early but Umaga recovers and throws him into the ring barricade before tossing him in to start the match officially. Umaga takes a hard whip to the corner as the crowd rallies big for him. Umaga delivers a hard uppercut off a second corner toss and delivers a flying head butt which he actually hits. The crowd instantly dies off at that point for now. Umaga beats him into the corner and prepares a charge which..he still can never seem to hit in an actual match. Hardy delivers a Whisper in the Wind for three.

Winner: Hardy

Score one for drugs!

Random Commercial Thought: why would you put an entire commercial in French?

Back to the show where Cryme Tyme is out to preserve racial stereotypes for your entertainment. Cade and Murdoch are out to preserve southern stereotypes for the same. King says he blames it all on his roots for showing up in boots..don't most wrestlers wear boots? Murdoch has an ace (OF SPADES... for fighting black people?) on his trunks which makes me afraid he will sing The Gambler.

Cryme Tyme vs. Cade & Murdoch

JTG hops out of the ring to pose with the Hogan impersonator that they call The Bulk. JTG gets Murdoch to the corner where he and Shad double team him like two black guys usually do. Haha. Porn joke. Cade tries to come in and gets knocked on his ass for his trouble while Shad continues the assault, tagging in JTG for a sunset flip which gets two. Murdoch clubs JTG a good one and tags in Cade. Cade only hits him a couple of times before tagging back out. Murdoch gets reversed in the corner and stops a sudden pin attempt by JTG by sitting on him for the three.

Winners: Cade & Murdoch

Cade celebrates hardcore with Murdoch and grabs a microphone. Cade says he thinks the singing has something to do with it and asks if we want to hear him sing. Oh God. Oh no. Help us. He says it doesn't matter what we want (no shit?) It's what he wants and he's earned it so it's time for a victory song. ..He sings the Gambler. What the fuck did I just say? I got a 100% score on Karaoke Revolution Country on that song on my first try and he fucking sucks. Video games do not lie. At the end of the chorus Cade knocks him right the fuck out. Thanks. Murdoch tries to drag himself up and is knock back down with another right. Cade leaves all pissed.

There is a video package about the Championship Chase on Smackdown wherever we got yet another Edge Finish in a battle royal, leaving all Battle Royals officially retarded. I can't stand Vickie's horse face. She looks like an otter chewing on a piece of electrical wire. In the back, Melina and Beth fight over what happened with Melina getting hoisted off the ground and slammed into a locker because she had to be retarded to pick that fight. In case you care, which I'm sure you don't, Robo-Orton is interviewed about his match tonight and Judgment day. He asks himself a lot of questions in the process. He calls himself the most athletically gifted and smartest wrestler in the WWE which means I have to go take a break and laugh very hard now.

Random Commercial Thought: AAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Aaaaand we are back. When did Orton get this new theme music? It seems to be adding to the long list of theme music that was randomly thrown together by a retard monkey. Speaking of retard monkeys here is Cena.

Randy Orton vs. John Cena

Orton starts off on offense, forcing Cena to the corner and performing headlocks left and right. Cena comes back with some right and a bulldog for two. I have yet to see a bulldog actually grab someone by the head and drive them face first into the ground over just tearing their throat out with its teeth. Cena delivers a suplex for another two, but Orton runs him over with an elbow and uses the inverted neck breaker or whetever the hell it is, the only thing he does as a move that isn't a headlock. It gets two. There is an actual dueling chant for Orton and Cena which is a clear indication the retard smarks have finally snapped. I give up on them as a lost cause. Orton tries his stomping stalks and for once somebody does something about it in grabbing his foot and just dumping him over the top rope as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: That dorky kid from the new Indiana Jones movie who keeps getting thrown into films to sell it for teenage girls apparently is completely incapable of saying the titles of things he is promoting correctly.

Back to the show where Orton is back to the headlocks while the guys still cheer Orton and should probably now shoot themselves. Orton did his DDT from the middle ropes during the break. A spine buster from Orton picks up two. Back to the headlock. Yawn. Randy ducks the shoulder block from Cena here and measures up for his RKO which he never ever hits this way.ever. So of course he doesn't and Cena begins standard offense with a flashback and up top for the leg drop. Cena signals a five Knuckle Shuffle but Orton rolls away to the floor. Regal comes to ringside with JBL who says Regal has made him the new referee. Cena punches him to the floor and Orton attacks from behind but gets clobbered as well and an FU, but JBL stops that with a kick allowing Orton to get the pin.

Winner: Orton

After the match Cena tackles JBL and has to be head back by Orton who still cant bring himself not to use a headlock to do it. Triple H breaks things up, bringing his ring gear and belt with him for some reason. He leaves the belt at the aisle and tackles Orton as Cena and JBL go out through the crowd. Trips runs into a boot from Orton in the corner and Orton pummels him to the mat so..a cage comes down out of the sky. I have can't even believe that they actually bothered the expense of hanging that thing up there just to drop it for a promo bit. It's almost sad. Trips delivers a spine buster and takes Orton to the cage, but he falls between the cage and the floor and slips out somehow. Trips climbs to the top like King Kong as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Hardy returning was pretty much the big thing for tonight.

Lowlight of the Night: Main event felt really weak.

WWE "Creative" Award: Breaking up a tag team while building to a tag team heavy video game makes no sense.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 

Welcome back to the Best Damn Raw Rant, Period. The article that totally isn't ripping off anyone else's show name. Totally. I'd really love to say something humorous here. Probably something angry and horribly offensive (niggafaggot), but yours truly is also in the middle of writing his term paper that he had all semester to do and is now due tomorrow. So because of this, you're just going to have to live with it. Also, you may be interested to know that next Monday is my birthday and it's a personal rule of mine not to work on my birthday, so you'll probably be reading some hack replacement in this slot. In advance, I'd like to wish a pox upon whoever it is, just in case they turn out to be better than me.

Raw 05.12.08

Show opens in darkness. When the lights come up, Batman isn't standing in the ring as I expected but rather William Regal who has Lillian sing God Save the Queen (Because I'm going to bust a cap in her ass otherwise). Some moron has a sign to elect Regal as President which is illegal you retard. Regal is mad people don't respect his authoritah and says he will have people thrown out now. Please oh God pick the dude dressed as Orange and Tellow Hogan in the front row. Please. He says he will have them all thrown out with no refunds and Mickie James comes out to say it's her brother and his girlfriend. Regal gets the most hardcore heat ever from the crowd as Regal says he will have Mickie thrown out if she doesn't leave. Bitch either strip or go. Speaking of strip he says he will strip her (of the title) if she doesn't go as well. Cena's music plays since we haven't seen him around in a few weeks. Oh my god, some black guy in the crowd has his own spinner belt and is boppin' to the music. Cena escorts Mickie from the ring because he's totally gonna hit that later. Bastard.

Cena says when he comes back he's usually going crazy in the ring but he needs to seriously talk to him. Oh crap. He says he knows what it's like to give your soul to these people and still be told you suck (HA ha) but he's going about it the wrong way. The right way to do it is be booked worse. Cena says Vince is insane and talks to himself.a lot and says some of his sexual past times can't even be found on the internet. Which is pretty bad because you can find Mud flapping (That's sexual attraction to cars stuck in the mud). Cena reads some letters from fans.one of which is named Shawn Staziak. Another suggests a Fire Regal chant which for some reason can't get on rhythm the first time. The third is an old woman who says Regal is like pooping in her mouth. Wow. Talk about potty mouth. One mentioned how this was as bad as WWE Thunder. Regal says he gives his word he won't turn out the lights in any matches and since John hasn't been on Raw since he got kicked in the head and wants revenge so tonight it's John Cena and Randy Orton one on one. Cena says he doesn't believe him and JBL will interfere so Regal bans everyone from ringside or to be suspended. Regal says he feels he has earned some respect and leaves. Cena says that was just a good match not respect. Cena starts pushing it and demands...Respect by Aretha Franklin to be sang. What a dick. I love how she skipped most of the words.

Random Commercial Thought: The internet is really really great. For porn.

Back to the show where the bloated corpse of Roddy Piper is here. I say corpse because they always swell up with gas like that after you're dead. Carlito and Santino are out afterward to challenge for the tag team title while Roddy goes to the announce. Better than Adamle I suppose, but they don't give him a microphone. Is Cody on crack now or something? Why the fuck is he dancing around?

Tag Team Champions Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes vs. Santino & Carlito (Tag Team Title Match)

Holly starts off with Santino kicking his ass and Roddy mocks him while he is hung on the ropes. Santino trips up Holly and Carlito tags in to lay a beating on him. Santino and Carlito exchange some quick tags in the corner with Santino grounding Holly and dropping an elbow before telling Roddy that's how he does it. He does it while dropping elbows? And I thought donkey punches were uncouth. Carlito is back in and Holly back suplexes him and Cody is in now. Cody unleashes on Santino as he comes in as well and delivers a rebounding cross body for two. A power slam picks up another two for Cody. Clothesline is next but Santino delivers a cheap shot before going to the middle rope in the corner. Roddy distracts him and Cody delivers his DDT for the win. When the fuck is he going to get a real finisher?

Winners: Rhodes & Holly

Random Commercial Thought: It's hot in here. I should take off all my clothes. Live with that thought.

You know, Vickie said Taker would have Hell to pay. And I'm just wondering how much Hell charges these days. Off to ringside for Kennedy on the ramp with his microphone. I'm waiting for it to come down one day and smack him in the face. I didn't listen to what he said but I don't think it was important. He will now face Snitsky.

Snitsky vs. Mr. Kennedy

Snitsky beats him into a corner where he tries to kick back, but just gets stomped into the ground by this man who looks so pale he could be a giant cave fish. Bear hug that looks more like a male humping session follows. He tries to pound his way out, which sounds nasty but that's what happened. Snitsky just tosses him away instead. Snitsky misses a leg drop and Kennedy starts to sling some rights, ducking a clothesline and taking out the knee with a tackle. He starts dropkicking the knee and delivers his running kick in the corner. Snitsky crawls away and takes a chop block for two. Snitsky levels him with a clothesline because "Hoss Mad, graaarr!" Snitsky tries the Coathanger Slam but Kennedy slips out and into the Mic Check for the three.

Winner: Kennedy...Kennedy.

Kennedy celebrates off to the back like he actually accomplished something of important as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Psych, racially balanced..unless you're Mexican..or Asian..or anything but black or white..What the fuck are Eskimos?

Back to the show where Santino is pissed off about Piper and werewolves or something. Tard explains to him it was teen wolf and Santino says what he will do to Piper will be worse than a coconut to the head. Those things hurt. Mickie is in the back to hit on Cena. She invites him to come get a drink with her and her brother and his girlfriend. He says he has a serious match and says no and that he can't lose focus. She asks if he is joking and he is. He asks for a wild night. Get the fuck over the table..were those lucky Charms on the table behind him?! Mickie says she can do wild (bestiality?) Elsewhere Beth and Melina are on the way.

Random Commercial Thought: Basketball is for chumps.

Back to the show. The heel divas are here, followed by the faces as JR says Maria lost 225 lbs recently in Santino.

Maria & Women's Champion Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix & Melina

Maria gets a short offense in on Melina and tags in Mickie who delivers a weird split legged punch like Van Dam (not Rob) and then slams her down for a two count. Beth breaks up the pin and gets knocked from the apron by Mickie tossing Melina into her. Beth gets pissed and just leaves all of a sudden so Mickie delivers a neck breaker to Melina for three. That was.lame.

Winners: Mickie & Maria

JR says you can text to tell us if you think Michaels fakes his injury as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Strangers looks like a shitty movie.

Back to the show where 72 percent of the vote is that Shawn didn't fake it. As far as this storyline is concerned, if he didn't then there's no real reason for it to exist. Jericho is out and I think he stole my shirt. Ass. He plans to apologize to Shawn tonight so he recaps the footage concerning the knee from Backlash and later. Shawn hobbles out to the ring and keeps cutting Chris off as he tries to apologize saying that he really isn't hurt and faked it. Jericho chuckles and says he won't be fooled twice and get into his head. Jericho says he isn't a rookie and that mental trickery will not work on him even if it worked on Batista because Batista is probably a retard. He reiterates he is not hurt. Jericho claims his intelligence is being hurt because Shawn thinks he's smarter than everyone else and says he is hurt. Michaels kicks him in the face. Michaels repeats he isn't hurt. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. He clips over the ropes to a standing position to set it straight before he leaves.

Random Commercial Thought: Axe bullet is utterly useless when fire from a gun.

Back to the show. Some bad music plays and it can only mean Jeff Hardy is here. He seems to have been raiding MVP's wardrobe. For some reason I was just now reminded of the existence of Rico. What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh it's his fucking ridiculous hair and sleeves. Jeff says he made a mistake and paid for it as he completely ignores Kayfabe and that he was supposed to be injured. He tries to say the Intercontinental Title but calls it the Commintercontinental title when his microphone is cut off for Admle tendencies. Regal comes out to say he will be punished for his sins..by wrestling the same guy he wrestled every other week as IC champ in Umaga.

Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga

Jeff dives to the floor to attack early but Umaga recovers and throws him into the ring barricade before tossing him in to start the match officially. Umaga takes a hard whip to the corner as the crowd rallies big for him. Umaga delivers a hard uppercut off a second corner toss and delivers a flying head butt which he actually hits. The crowd instantly dies off at that point for now. Umaga beats him into the corner and prepares a charge which..he still can never seem to hit in an actual match. Hardy delivers a Whisper in the Wind for three.

Winner: Hardy

Score one for drugs!

Random Commercial Thought: why would you put an entire commercial in French?

Back to the show where Cryme Tyme is out to preserve racial stereotypes for your entertainment. Cade and Murdoch are out to preserve southern stereotypes for the same. King says he blames it all on his roots for showing up in boots..don't most wrestlers wear boots? Murdoch has an ace (OF SPADES... for fighting black people?) on his trunks which makes me afraid he will sing The Gambler.

Cryme Tyme vs. Cade & Murdoch

JTG hops out of the ring to pose with the Hogan impersonator that they call The Bulk. JTG gets Murdoch to the corner where he and Shad double team him like two black guys usually do. Haha. Porn joke. Cade tries to come in and gets knocked on his ass for his trouble while Shad continues the assault, tagging in JTG for a sunset flip which gets two. Murdoch clubs JTG a good one and tags in Cade. Cade only hits him a couple of times before tagging back out. Murdoch gets reversed in the corner and stops a sudden pin attempt by JTG by sitting on him for the three.

Winners: Cade & Murdoch

Cade celebrates hardcore with Murdoch and grabs a microphone. Cade says he thinks the singing has something to do with it and asks if we want to hear him sing. Oh God. Oh no. Help us. He says it doesn't matter what we want (no shit?) It's what he wants and he's earned it so it's time for a victory song. ..He sings the Gambler. What the fuck did I just say? I got a 100% score on Karaoke Revolution Country on that song on my first try and he fucking sucks. Video games do not lie. At the end of the chorus Cade knocks him right the fuck out. Thanks. Murdoch tries to drag himself up and is knock back down with another right. Cade leaves all pissed.

There is a video package about the Championship Chase on Smackdown wherever we got yet another Edge Finish in a battle royal, leaving all Battle Royals officially retarded. I can't stand Vickie's horse face. She looks like an otter chewing on a piece of electrical wire. In the back, Melina and Beth fight over what happened with Melina getting hoisted off the ground and slammed into a locker because she had to be retarded to pick that fight. In case you care, which I'm sure you don't, Robo-Orton is interviewed about his match tonight and Judgment day. He asks himself a lot of questions in the process. He calls himself the most athletically gifted and smartest wrestler in the WWE which means I have to go take a break and laugh very hard now.

Random Commercial Thought: AAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Aaaaand we are back. When did Orton get this new theme music? It seems to be adding to the long list of theme music that was randomly thrown together by a retard monkey. Speaking of retard monkeys here is Cena.

Randy Orton vs. John Cena

Orton starts off on offense, forcing Cena to the corner and performing headlocks left and right. Cena comes back with some right and a bulldog for two. I have yet to see a bulldog actually grab someone by the head and drive them face first into the ground over just tearing their throat out with its teeth. Cena delivers a suplex for another two, but Orton runs him over with an elbow and uses the inverted neck breaker or whetever the hell it is, the only thing he does as a move that isn't a headlock. It gets two. There is an actual dueling chant for Orton and Cena which is a clear indication the retard smarks have finally snapped. I give up on them as a lost cause. Orton tries his stomping stalks and for once somebody does something about it in grabbing his foot and just dumping him over the top rope as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: That dorky kid from the new Indiana Jones movie who keeps getting thrown into films to sell it for teenage girls apparently is completely incapable of saying the titles of things he is promoting correctly.

Back to the show where Orton is back to the headlocks while the guys still cheer Orton and should probably now shoot themselves. Orton did his DDT from the middle ropes during the break. A spine buster from Orton picks up two. Back to the headlock. Yawn. Randy ducks the shoulder block from Cena here and measures up for his RKO which he never ever hits this way.ever. So of course he doesn't and Cena begins standard offense with a flashback and up top for the leg drop. Cena signals a five Knuckle Shuffle but Orton rolls away to the floor. Regal comes to ringside with JBL who says Regal has made him the new referee. Cena punches him to the floor and Orton attacks from behind but gets clobbered as well and an FU, but JBL stops that with a kick allowing Orton to get the pin.

Winner: Orton

After the match Cena tackles JBL and has to be head back by Orton who still cant bring himself not to use a headlock to do it. Triple H breaks things up, bringing his ring gear and belt with him for some reason. He leaves the belt at the aisle and tackles Orton as Cena and JBL go out through the crowd. Trips runs into a boot from Orton in the corner and Orton pummels him to the mat so..a cage comes down out of the sky. I have can't even believe that they actually bothered the expense of hanging that thing up there just to drop it for a promo bit. It's almost sad. Trips delivers a spine buster and takes Orton to the cage, but he falls between the cage and the floor and slips out somehow. Trips climbs to the top like King Kong as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Hardy returning was pretty much the big thing for tonight.

Lowlight of the Night: Main event felt really weak.

WWE "Creative" Award: Breaking up a tag team while building to a tag team heavy video game makes no sense.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


As I write this I have just finished watching that scene from Rocky III where Rocky has an exhibition match with Thunderlips, AKA Hulk Hogan. The sad thing about watching this, is it’s probably the most movement I’ve ever seen out of Hogan in any match he ever had. He manages to increase his movement ranking from Department Store Mannequin to The Robot from Short Circuit. Speaking of Rocky, if I ever take up wrestling or fighting I’d want Mickey in my corner. Mick can come in handy once in a while. I’m sure you all missed me last week, but seeing as how it was my birthday I felt obliged to take a week off from constant suffering and enjoy myself for once. As for my thoughts on the show, I’d have to say I’m very disappointed they had to half-ass the Regal angle thanks to some more of the Wellness Policy which seems to only apply to people not named Triple H or Randy Orton.

Raw 05.26.08

Fun Fact: I actually have HD now! So tonight show comes to you in….the same definition as before because I’m watching this show on a shitty VHS tape. Sorry for getting your hopes up and dashing them against the rocks. You probably deserved it for something anyway. Like that time you were masturbating and your mom walked in on you when I was fourteen.

Show opens with theme and pyro. Vince is in Regal’s office that still has the British paraphernalia on the wall. He recaps what happened to Regal and says he got what he deserved and the question is if we are getting what we deserve (free blow jobs from the Divas?). He says we deserve appreciation (finally!) and he has an idea and is gonna ask the superstars for other ideas. He says before the end of the night he’ll show it to us even if he has to do something that has never been done before on television (free blow jobs from the divas?….don‘t judge me!). Tard is in the ring to introduce us to a face off between Orton and Triple H. Oh a piss break isn’t supposed to go at the beginning of the show, guys. I wonder if the those guys in the crowd know they spelled terrorizing wrong with their ludicrously large sign. Orton hears voices in his head. That might explain the hotel rooms. So I assume the rules for this Face Off are the same as in Face/Off and soon both opponents will trade faces.

Tard starts off by pointing out how Orton looked like a chump from the start by needing Triple H to fight in three matches just to beat him last time so why he should think not having that advantage is going to help him win is retarded. Trips just calls him an ass. He accuses Orton of trying to convince himself of how good he is and calls him a scared little boy and soon that one uncle is going to take him down to the “hobby room” for some special time. I might have made some of that up. Todd is completely forgotten while the two scream at each other. My friend points out that even though Trips chose to wear pants, Orton wore a shirt and trunks combo to make himself officially “uber gay”. They bring up Evolution, but not that one guy who caused them to break up. Not that guy. Triple H eventually trash talks him and goes to leave before making Todd get his belt for him instead of going back for it. At least Todd got to do something in the end.

Random Commercial Thought: Robin Hood road a scooter.

Back to the action with Beth Phoenix on the match while Jillian sings Vince McMahon’s theme song…help me.

Jillian Hall vs. Melina

Jillian Hall tackles Melina right off the bat and starts to beat her ass (kinky), delivering a flip over bulldog and a hair stretch. Melina starts to fight back and I kinda half-payed attention as my friend pointed out Melina has the thighs of a horse. They botch a roll over sequence, but Melina ends it by rolling into a sloppy Indian Death Lock that she kinda combines with a Bow and Arrow lock which is a sort of ironic combination. I kind of zoned out for a moment and totally forgot how this ends, but I think Melina won.

Winner: Melina

So that’s the reality I choose to present.

Elsewhere in the back, Jericho suggests to Vince to give back to the fans by giving him a rematch against Michaels. Vince agrees and they discuss options for his theme song, which is just a terrifying event before having Cryme Tyme steal all of Regal’s old office stuff.

Random Commercial Thought: Smaller babies are travel size.

Back to the show to find out Cryme Tyme sold Regal’s stuff at ring side and were joined by Ron Simmons. Londrick is out now to wrestle with Holly and Rhodes for the titles. Despite their likeness to Aladdin neither London or Kendrick has ridden in on a carpet.

World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhode & Hardcore Holly vs. Londrick (Tag Team Titles Match)

Rhodes starts off early with London, leapfrogging into a dropkick for two. London trades out for Kendrick and they deliver a double dropkick. King tells us what makes a double dropkick as Captain Obvious this evening. Rhodes escapes a rollup attempt for two more and tags in Holly who lays in rough with hard rights that hammer down Kendrick. Rhodes locks on a bear hug which looks rather lame. Rhodes gets nowhere and Holly is back in. everyone is in the ring and all hell breaks loose. London delivers wheel kicks all around and Kendrick helps him reverse the Alabama slam into a roll up for two. Kendrick and London dump Rhodes and holly scoops London up for the Alabama slam for the win.

Winners: Rhodes and Holly

Ted Dibiase interrupts to introduce his son…who is also named Ted. Teddy tells us he plans to win the titles from Rhodes and “Hardcore” all the while….his nipples are getting hard just thinking about it. That’s creepy. He says everyone has a price, but he is simply priceless.

Random Commercial Thought: Indian Jones is about Aliens. I’m not fucking lying.

Back to the show. Sal, Jimmy Kimmel’s cousin will be facing Santino on Smackdown so we need to see Piper train him. Sal gets bitch slapped by Piper. Jimmy Kimmel comes in to watch them train. This is sad. This segment is kinda like shoving a fork in my scrotum. After this craptastic segment we see Mickie James giving a suggestion to Vince about what to do for the fans in which schools would get a Diva for the Day. JBL comes in to tell her that it would essentially make the Divas into an escort service which I suppose must mean they should get on the horn and call Ashley in for the job. It’s right up her alley. He then goes on to suggest that they cut up the mat and donate it to the fans at One Night Stand, especially the parts with Mickie’s Boyfriend’s blood on it. She says he isn’t her boyfriend but JBL says they exchanged enough bodily fluids. Special.

Random Commercial Thought: Robots are totally all about car insurance.

We get a few memorial day videos of troops, one of which I swear appears to have Downs which makes me worried we are letting that into the army. This little Asian man tells Cena to tell JBL he can’t see him and neither can this guy without his outrageously tiny glasses. Off to ringside with Jeff Hardy having epileptic seizures. He’s teaming up with Cena to take on JBL and Umaga now. I spent these entrances talking about why the fuck Pacman is not in NamcoXCapcom.

John Cena & Jeff Hardy vs. JBL & Umaga

JBL talks Umaga into starting and Cena trash talks him. Cena and Umaga trade blows and Cena ducks a clothesline and scoops Umaga up into an FU but Umaga drops him with an elbow to the back of the head. Umaga hammers JBL in the corner like he’s Jumpman from Donkey Kong. Zing. Swinging side slam shuts down another brief Cena offense for two as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Evil Knieval has a fucking game? How do you even spell his name?

Back to the match where Cena is getting owned and tags in Hardy who goes to town on both heels, dodging Umaga in the corner to hang him up and kicking JBL on the apron. Umaga nails Hardy off the apron and JBL attacks on the outside. Hardy eats a big splash for two and JBL is in now. JBL begins to bury knees into Hardy like they are secret treasure. Perhaps a crystal skull? (that happens to belong to a race of psychic fucking aliens….fuck). JBL starts to eat some random offense and the Whisper in the Wing clips him in the forehead. Cena is screaming for a tag which as commercials have taught me will cause women to swarm over him. Cena delivers his offense to JBL with the Protobomb. He drops Umaga on the apron and delivers the five Knuckle Shuffle. Umaga hits him from behind and Hardy tags himself in for a Swanton Bomb, but it bombs big time and JBL delivers the Clothesline from Hell for the win.

Winners: JBL & Umaga

In the back HBK and Vince are talking and Shawn says it is hard for him to grasp Vince doing anything…and he can’t think of the word for a moment (Rachael offers: original) before saying Decent.

Random Comm

ercial Thought: Pay for your Taco Bell with Ass Pennies. Footage of WWE in Mexico. No luck in finding Lita’s virginity. Kennedy is on his way to the ring and we get a replay of last week. He introduces himself as the man who single handedly got that royal piece of garbage dismissed. Carlito comes out and means business. Carlito means Little Carlos.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Mr. Kennedy

Carlito attacks fast and delivers a neck breaker for two but Kennedy rallies back with a two count of his own. Kennedy runs right into a power slam which gets two for Carlito. Carlito comes off the top into a Mic Check though for the lose.

Winner: Kennedy

Katie Lea Burchill is out to say she is not amused with what he did to Regal. She is talking shit as Paul attacks from behind. He adds something in his silly British accent and delivers a curb stomp.

Random Commercial Thought: Taco bell stole that commercial idea from McDonald’s.

In the back Murdoch is singing No Chance In Hell to Vince in a country tone as Vince tells him to get everyone out to the ring for his announcement for him. The announcers then decide to run down the card for One Night Stand because they need to drain your wallet damnit. It’s like blood to vampires. Recap to Orton/Hunter. As Orton mentions his rematch Clause, Rachael mentioned: “He has Claws? Awesome.”

Random Commercial Thought: I was too busy trying to explain this sport toa non-believer.

Back to the show where Jericho and Michaels are here.

Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels (Non-title Match)

Shawn Michaels and Jericho trade swift little holds until Michaels takes a hard bump to the nose and stumbles on the apron. Jericho air bombs the springboard dropkick and lands on the outside as we go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: The chick from In Plain Sight is a bitch for not letting The Big Show take a Big Dump in her bathroom.

Back to the match. Jericho delivers a running dropkick to Michaels who was in a Tree of Woe during the break. Jericho gets the running enziguiri for two and puts Michaels in the corner and has to be dragged out by the ref multiple times as Jericho kicks him down and chokes him before going for the bulldog but Michaels toss him off into the turnbuckle. Michaels gets the flying forearm and nip up but Jericho drops him into the Walls but Michaels cradles him up for two. Jericho kicks out and tries for the lionsault which bombs but he dodges the follow up elbow drop. Jericho tries a code breaker but Michaels holds onto the corner to block. He follows with a super kick that Jericho ducks into the Walls but Michaels makes the ropes as we continue to make every signature move these guys have look useless. Michaels gets kicked to the floor and Jericho puts the Walls on Michaels on the floor and a double count out ensues.

Winner: Uh…nobody.

Jericho starts to drop elbows onto Michaels’ back and puts the Walls back on. Jericho gets a chair and goes to nail him with it before stopping and just dropping the stance and offering a hand. Aw, how cute. Jericho has an emo moment and looks to be crying after he helps Michaels up and leaves. We go to the back for Vinnie Mac on his way to the ring. King says the announcement will affect every single viewer of Raw. I’m hoping for free money instead of the infinitely more likely butt rape.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish the Indiana Jones theme actually did play whenever you do anything heroic.

Back to the show. Everyone is at ringside, even Dibiase and Vince says he had an idea earlier. He says we deserve new superstars, divas and rivalries and so they will all be here for the draft and four weeks. So he says we deserve something monumental and it may take a week to figure out the logistics, but every week he’s going to give away cash money as opposed to fake money. He offers a thousand dollars, then ten thousand. A hundred thousand then. I don’t need your damn blood money! He says this is not a hoax or trick, this is from his own personal bank account, each and every week he will give away one million dollars each week. He then holds a pinky to his lips. The fuck?

Highlight of the Night: Jericho/Michaels was actually pretty interesting even though the ending was awkward.

Lowlight of the Night: Not very dramatic debut for Dibiase’s son.

WWE “Creative” Award: One MILLION dollars!

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).