BLARGHAHRHGLGARALGARRRGLAGALGLAHGARRGRGRGLE! BLAHGDRAGLE GLAGHGSLAHGL!

Inspirational, I know.

Raw 05.07.07

The question all night has been, “Could we be looking at the next WWE champion?” To which I say, “Possibly, but it will have to be renamed the “Blubbeluh Blubbelu E” Champion after Khali says it.” But I guess nobody is perfect, some people are just less perfect than others. And by less, I mean: OMG why the fuck does he have a job?

The show opens with The Coach introducing the ECW World Champion to us and Vince comes out to talk in street talk for some reason. There’s no G in Coach! He says he comes to us not only as the champ but also as the Chairman (Whoo! Alliteration!). He says he has never seen anything like that and says that one person destroying four men in one night has never EVER been done before, you know, except by all the monsters before him. Instant replay of all the carnage! Avert your eyes! Sloppy ring work ahead!

Coach and Vince are impressed by that footage it seems. Vince declares that at Judgment Day the new number one contender will be, but Shawn Michaels interrupts him. Shawn says to do us all a favor and not finish that last horrific line and he is supposed to face Cena last week and he was going to win yet again to be the number one contender, but the Great Khali jumped him from behind to take him out. Vince says they will never know if Shawn would have won. Shawn says he’ll face Khali for the contendership tonight and Vince agrees before going on to say everyone is talking about him and his championship.

Bobby Lashley interrupts now and King is for some reason always impressed with his pyro as if Lashley causes it to happen with his powers of….does he have powers or is he like Batman or something? Lashley says he gave Shawn what he wants so he needs what he wants. A kid in the crowd says he wants blood (Vampire Bobby?). Vince reminds him that if Lashley hits him, Shane or Umaga, he won’t get another title shot. They replay on the titantron what happened at Backlash to taunt him. Vince asks what it feels like to be in the ring with a champion. He then shows a picture of the three post Wrestlemania champions which had Bobby on the cover of WWE Magazine so they change it to paste Vince’s head on Bobby’s body (Oreo baby).Vince declares the rematch to be at Judgment Day and Bobby says he wants to show what he really thinks but can’t. Vince taunts him to throw a punch.

Vince leaves after Lashley refuses to hit him, but when Coach tries to leave, Bobby drags him in and clotheslines him. Coach gets a good old fashioned ass kicking before being tossed to the floor. Lashley does the dramatic pointing then goes to the floor and slams Coach to the ring steps. Lashley chokes Coach with a wire and Vince wanders back up the ramp in fear. Coach takes a spear and Lashley reverts to the generic belt motion as we go to the back. The divas are getting dressed and we are off to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m so sick of eating Subway since my mother went on this diet I can barely see straight.

Back to the show with a replay of last week’s divas match. As Candice and Mickie come out, I have to wonder what random laws of the universe cause Candice to slide over to and from the dark side. Does she have an imbalance in her midiclorians or something?

Candice Michelle & Mickie James vs. Victoria & Women’s Champion Melina

Candice and Victoria begin with Candice backflipping sloppily out of an attempted arm drag into an arm drag of her own. Melina and Mickie make the tags and Mickie hit’s a pride obliterating bitch slap before nailing Melina with a low dropkick. Candice tags in for the double team shot to the arm off the top rope into an arm wrench. Melina rakes the eyes and Mickei runs in, which distracts the ref for the double team to hang up Candice on the rope. Candice kicks out at one and makes the tag to Mickie. Mickie hits clotheslines on Melina and a Lou Thesz press. Victoria eats a hurricanrana out of the corner and Mickie hits an inverted Unprettier on Melina. Victoria is sent to the floor. Mickie bounces off the ropes into a blind tag from Candice. Candice hit’s the sneak attack wheel kick (to the chest which should have dulled the impact) on Melina and scores the pinfall.

Winners: Mickie & Candice

They take us back to Santino Morella winning the IC belt to pimp his first title defense as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: A dream book will take you on a journey into the future, where the world is ruled by anthropomorphic bananas, worshipping a sacred doorway to paradise which in fact hosts a giant monkey devouring all who enter! Beware the future!

Back to the show where Mick and superstars are in a Make a Wish video. Back at ringside Masters is going to challenge for the title and Morella seems to have some sort of opera song that fades into rock music. How quaint. He even gets his weight done in kilos.

Chris Masters vs. Intercontinental Champion Santino Morella (IC Title Match)

Santino gets tossed out of the tie up multiple times and tells Chris to bring it. Morella dodges an elbow drop and lands quick sharp blows but Masters shoves him off Morella continues to dodges maneuvers and this quick strikes, but Masters powers out of an attempted Irish whip into a crushing clothesline. Masters keeps the pressure on after this, picking up a two count and briefly applying a chinlock. Masters measure up and misses a knee drop Santino starts kicking the knee and hit’s a roun kick to the head. Enziguiri switches up a dropkick to the knee for two. Masters counters the Irish whip to a clothesline, but Morella ducks it into a neck breaker. Mounted punches get Morella shoved off. Santino gets tossed to the corner, but dodges the charge by Masters, rolling him up for three. Winner: Santino

Commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: Somebody along the line never realized that every single staff member of a good movie (40 Year old Virgin) is not immediately good enough on their own to have their own movie (Knocked Up).

Back to the show. Mr. Kennedy is out on the ramp with his microphone to tell us how many days are left against in the countdown I like his briefcase. He announces himself the champion, and hey at least he’s killing some time with the pause there. He even tells us to wait for it before we get out echo. Elsewhere in the back, Maria and Randy Orton (gym bag not included). Orton says he requested his match with Cena tonight and unlike Edge he isn’t going to cry and complain. He says it won’t take him an hour to beat Cena like it did for Michaels. He says his title hopes and his life get back on track tonight. I guess otherwise it’s back to crack head lane for Randy. Speaking of being on crack, here’s some commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I think I passed out, but when I awoke there was chicken on the screen so I wasn’t out very long.

Back to the show. They were supposed to run clips from the Condemned, but it errored and we go to the Highlanders in the ring for a handicap match with Uuuuuuuumagaaaaaa. King says that Vince made this match to show Bobby that Lashley isn’t strong enough to do this or something. I could recap this match. I could also watch three minutes of porn instead. Hard choice. Haha….hard….. Suffice to say one highlander takes the Ass Crash, then they both take Samoan Spikes. Umaga piles them up and squashed them from the top. The end. After the “match” we finally get those Condemned clips that we were obviously SALIVATING for.

Random Commercial Thought: Apparently Shrek is being proposed for removal from the commercials promoting kids exercising since he himself isn’t in peak physical condition and also promotes fatty unhealthy foods.

Back to the show. Edge is in the back saying he’s sick of people like Kennedy and Shawn Michaels whose match is next. He says he used his MITB and cashed it in. He says it won’t work for Kennedy. Edge says he defended his case like a championship and challenges for it. He says Kennedy is afraid and Kenney tells him to shut up. He says Edge could have just asked and he’s confident in his abilities. He then screams his win announcement in Edges face, including a screaming echo. Now to ringside with Shawn Michaels. A small HBK chant gets started while we wait on Khali. From India (because they don’t have cities….heathens).

Shawn Michaels vs. The Great Khali (#1 Contender’s Match)

Shawn attacks Khali on the apron and he just comes in anyway. Michaels leap onto him, striking and swinging like crazy. Khali gets his arms tied up in the ropes and gets a beat down. Even though this is a No DQ match, the ref pulls Michaels off. Shawn runs back at him into a boot. Michaels gets scoop slammed and rolls out of the way of a leg drop. Michaels grabs a chair and smashes Khali in the face when he sits up. Shawn tosses the chair like a retard and hit’s a clothesline to Khali when he sits up again, nipping up. Elbow drop hits and Michaels tunes up the band. Khali catches the foot and hit’s the brain chop. Khali chokes Michaels out with a boot in the corner then switches to using his hand to even things up at least.

Elbows in the corner start to squish Michaels like an ant (bet you wish you had your chair now!). Michaels finds himself traveling to a new corner for some chops, getting turned inside out in a third corner before eating a clothesline. Michaels climbs onto the apron, but Khali goes for the double choke slam to the floor only to get eye gouged. Michaels facelocks and starts dragging Khali over the ropes. Khali finally falls and Shawn starts hammering away on his back before being tossed off. Khali grabs him by the neck and throws Michaels into the ring. Michaels comes back with a baseball slide. Shawn clears the announce table and sets up a chair. He stand son the chair to try and DDT Khali through the table but Khali throws him off. Khali drags Michaels up and double choke slams him through the announce table to holy shit chants. The ref rings the bell at this as we get the generic horrified reaction shot from the single UGLIEST little girl of all time. It’s like a Sanjaya fan or something.

Winner: Khali

Commercials soothe the soul.

Random Commercial Thought: Bug. Why? Why I ask you?

Back to the show. They replay what happened to the heartbreak kid before Cena is interviewed in the back. Todd says he’ll be facing Khali and asks for thoughts. Cena introduces Tard as the king of the stupid questions, asking him how he would feel if someone wanted to fight him. He then asks how he would feel if that someone was enormous and talked like Charlie Brown’s teacher. He then says he doesn’t back down and says Randy picked the wrong guy to bring back his career against. Cena says in two weeks he will prove to the world that the only great thing about Khali is the size of the streak he leaves in the toilet bowl. Whoo! A new poop joke!

Elsewhere we have Cryme Tyme in the back (Holy shit! They’re alive!). They are having a Mother’s Day sale. Their first item is a steak and then we go to Viscera in the back elsewhere finding his steak dinner missing! (Wah wah waaaaah….) Next is prescription pills. Elsewhere: Eugene is climbing the walls. Special. Haha! Pun! Nect? A brand new hummer (not a blow job). Elsewhere: Ron Simmons finds his space empty. Damn. That’s harsh. Back to Cryme Tyme with their motto and Spiderman leaps in. It’s the fat stripper in a mask and his gut hanging out still. Shad introduces himself as batman and beats Spidey with a bat. They then steal his money and wander off as we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: You know, I’ve never even seen Shrek 2. I only saw parts of the first one.

Back to the show where the Hardy’s dance out to the ring. U2 is proud. Back at ringside are yet again Cade and Murdoch with their new nice guy routine.

World Tag Team Champions The Hardy Boys vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Non-title Match)

Matt starts off with Haas and Matt gets beaten down early, finding himself cheapshotting by Shelton from the outside while Haas makes the distraction. Haas hit’s a northern lights suplex with the bridge but there is no count. Haas keeps working the arms and bridges into the arm lock before tagging Shelton in, allowing him to leap over the ropes onto the arm. Shelton goes to an arm bar. Hardy breaks free and tags in Jeff. Jeff starts hitting clotheslines and arms drags, landing the leg drop to the ground on Haas for two. Whisper in the Wind gets another two when Shelton runs in to break it up. Twist of Fate smashes Shelton from Matt and Jeff goes up top, but Haas head butts him up top. Matt drags Haas off and the Swanton hits, Matt scoring the pin.

Winners: Hardys

After the match Cade and Murdoch come into the ring and offer their congratulations again. The Hardys don’t shove them off this time and everyone seems happy. We get a replay of the Carlito/Flair situation before going to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The once proud snapalope in its natural environment.

Back to the show where they run a Snitsky promo hype. If you can really call anything involving Snitsky, hype. Back to ringside for Carlito and Torrie. He says he has something to get off his case. He says a few months ago Ric embarrassed him in front of Torrie and that he said he could learn and grow if teamed with Flair. He says Flair lost just about all of their matches and he should have been in the MITB match at Mania and be the champion by now. He says he showed some passion last week and tonight he’ll show him some more. Flair is in Vegas though and not here. Carlito says Ric has no guts for not showing and he’s tired of carrying around dead weight and he’s going to continue to get rid of all the garbage in his life, starting with Torrie. He says she always took Flair’s side. He chews her out in Spanish and back her into a corner (Por Que bitch!).

She runs from the ring and cries and he taunts her in his heathen tongue all the way down the aisle. He says, translated as far as I can make out: “Hey you guys, I don’t need you, and I don’t need any “companions”!” before he throws down the microphone and storms off. Pimping of Orton/Cena as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Spiderman had no less than three commercials featuring him and seems to have recovered from his bat wounds well.

Back to the show. Kennedy is on his way to the ring, but Edge strikes from behind on the ramp way Edge chases Kennedy down the ramp and slings him into the security wall. Edge chokes Kennedy out with his shirt and rams Kennedy into the ring post. Edge fetches one of the busted monitors and smashes Kennedy in the face. Edge finally tosses Kennedy into the ring and the ref asks him if he’s sure he wants to do this. Kennedy screams at him to start the match and Edge spears him for the win. Mother. Fuck. After the so called match Edge smashes him with the case twice. They replay the spear and the case shots. A pimp for Smackdown’s cage match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Speaking of buying new cars it seems Rachael purchased herself a Hurricane Katrina car recently to replace her wrecked one.

Back to the show where they repay how thee announce table was destroyed before Randy Orton heads to the ring. Cena is out next and we’re already into the show’s overtime before his entrance is finished.

Randy Orton vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Non-title Match)

Cena and Randy tie up with Orton getting the advantage and sending Cena to the corner. Cena powers back out and catches Randy out of a corner on the rebound with the fisherman’s suplex for two. Cena misses a corner charge and eats ring post, Randy starting to do strong strikes an the knee drop for two. Headlock (take a shot for the first time tonight). Cena break free and hits his clothesline and protobomb into the five knuckle shuffle. Khali comes ot the ring and takes the WWE title before starting to walk off. Orton gets dumped from the FU after this distraction. Orton attacks Cena from behind and he finds himself in the STFU. Orton makes the ropes so Cena breaks the hold and chases down Khali. Cena attacks and gets clobbered, left prone on the ring apron as Khali leaves with the belt and the show simply goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Santino has an entertaining match at least, building the basis of the character so far it seems.

Lowlight of the Night: Edge once again becomes Mr. MITB I can’t really think of anyone who wants to see this again. Hopefully Edge won’t be keeping it and save us all some more anguish of Edge persistently being in the title picture.

Eugene Award: The show kind of just ends. After already giving us a few non-matches tonight, they decide to end the show with one?