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WWE RAW RANT: (05/07/07) By Cameron Burge

This intro brought to you by The Great Khali:


Inspirational, I know.

Raw 05.07.07

The question all night has been, “Could we be looking at the next WWE champion?” To which I say, “Possibly, but it will have to be renamed the “Blubbeluh Blubbelu E” Champion after Khali says it.” But I guess nobody is perfect, some people are just less perfect than others. And by less, I mean: OMG why the fuck does he have a job?

The show opens with The Coach introducing the ECW World Champion to us and Vince comes out to talk in street talk for some reason. There’s no G in Coach! He says he comes to us not only as the champ but also as the Chairman (Whoo! Alliteration!). He says he has never seen anything like that and says that one person destroying four men in one night has never EVER been done before, you know, except by all the monsters before him. Instant replay of all the carnage! Avert your eyes! Sloppy ring work ahead!

Coach and Vince are impressed by that footage it seems. Vince declares that at Judgment Day the new number one contender will be, but Shawn Michaels interrupts him. Shawn says to do us all a favor and not finish that last horrific line and he is supposed to face Cena last week and he was going to win yet again to be the number one contender, but the Great Khali jumped him from behind to take him out. Vince says they will never know if Shawn would have won. Shawn says he’ll face Khali for the contendership tonight and Vince agrees before going on to say everyone is talking about him and his championship.

Bobby Lashley interrupts now and King is for some reason always impressed with his pyro as if Lashley causes it to happen with his powers of….does he have powers or is he like Batman or something? Lashley says he gave Shawn what he wants so he needs what he wants. A kid in the crowd says he wants blood (Vampire Bobby?). Vince reminds him that if Lashley hits him, Shane or Umaga, he won’t get another title shot. They replay on the titantron what happened at Backlash to taunt him. Vince asks what it feels like to be in the ring with a champion. He then shows a picture of the three post Wrestlemania champions which had Bobby on the cover of WWE Magazine so they change it to paste Vince’s head on Bobby’s body (Oreo baby).Vince declares the rematch to be at Judgment Day and Bobby says he wants to show what he really thinks but can’t. Vince taunts him to throw a punch.

Vince leaves after Lashley refuses to hit him, but when Coach tries to leave, Bobby drags him in and clotheslines him. Coach gets a good old fashioned ass kicking before being tossed to the floor. Lashley does the dramatic pointing then goes to the floor and slams Coach to the ring steps. Lashley chokes Coach with a wire and Vince wanders back up the ramp in fear. Coach takes a spear and Lashley reverts to the generic belt motion as we go to the back. The divas are getting dressed and we are off to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m so sick of eating Subway since my mother went on this diet I can barely see straight.

Back to the show with a replay of last week’s divas match. As Candice and Mickie come out, I have to wonder what random laws of the universe cause Candice to slide over to and from the dark side. Does she have an imbalance in her midiclorians or something?

Candice Michelle & Mickie James vs. Victoria & Women’s Champion Melina

Candice and Victoria begin with Candice backflipping sloppily out of an attempted arm drag into an arm drag of her own. Melina and Mickie make the tags and Mickie hit’s a pride obliterating bitch slap before nailing Melina with a low dropkick. Candice tags in for the double team shot to the arm off the top rope into an arm wrench. Melina rakes the eyes and Mickei runs in, which distracts the ref for the double team to hang up Candice on the rope. Candice kicks out at one and makes the tag to Mickie. Mickie hits clotheslines on Melina and a Lou Thesz press. Victoria eats a hurricanrana out of the corner and Mickie hits an inverted Unprettier on Melina. Victoria is sent to the floor. Mickie bounces off the ropes into a blind tag from Candice. Candice hit’s the sneak attack wheel kick (to the chest which should have dulled the impact) on Melina and scores the pinfall.

Winners: Mickie & Candice

They take us back to Santino Morella winning the IC belt to pimp his first title defense as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: A dream book will take you on a journey into the future, where the world is ruled by anthropomorphic bananas, worshipping a sacred doorway to paradise which in fact hosts a giant monkey devouring all who enter! Beware the future!

Back to the show where Mick and superstars are in a Make a Wish video. Back at ringside Masters is going to challenge for the title and Morella seems to have some sort of opera song that fades into rock music. How quaint. He even gets his weight done in kilos.

Chris Masters vs. Intercontinental Champion Santino Morella (IC Title Match)

Santino gets tossed out of the tie up multiple times and tells Chris to bring it. Morella dodges an elbow drop and lands quick sharp blows but Masters shoves him off Morella continues to dodges maneuvers and this quick strikes, but Masters powers out of an attempted Irish whip into a crushing clothesline. Masters keeps the pressure on after this, picking up a two count and briefly applying a chinlock. Masters measure up and misses a knee drop Santino starts kicking the knee and hit’s a roun kick to the head. Enziguiri switches up a dropkick to the knee for two. Masters counters the Irish whip to a clothesline, but Morella ducks it into a neck breaker. Mounted punches get Morella shoved off. Santino gets tossed to the corner, but dodges the charge by Masters, rolling him up for three. Winner: Santino


Random Commercial Thought: Somebody along the line never realized that every single staff member of a good movie (40 Year old Virgin) is not immediately good enough on their own to have their own movie (Knocked Up).

Back to the show. Mr. Kennedy is out on the ramp with his microphone to tell us how many days are left against in the countdown I like his briefcase. He announces himself the champion, and hey at least he’s killing some time with the pause there. He even tells us to wait for it before we get out echo. Elsewhere in the back, Maria and Randy Orton (gym bag not included). Orton says he requested his match with Cena tonight and unlike Edge he isn’t going to cry and complain. He says it won’t take him an hour to beat Cena like it did for Michaels. He says his title hopes and his life get back on track tonight. I guess otherwise it’s back to crack head lane for Randy. Speaking of being on crack, here’s some commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I think I passed out, but when I awoke there was chicken on the screen so I wasn’t out very long.

Back to the show. They were supposed to run clips from the Condemned, but it errored and we go to the Highlanders in the ring for a handicap match with Uuuuuuuumagaaaaaa. King says that Vince made this match to show Bobby that Lashley isn’t strong enough to do this or something. I could recap this match. I could also watch three minutes of porn instead. Hard choice. Haha….hard….. Suffice to say one highlander takes the Ass Crash, then they both take Samoan Spikes. Umaga piles them up and squashed them from the top. The end. After the “match” we finally get those Condemned clips that we were obviously SALIVATING for.

Random Commercial Thought: Apparently Shrek is being proposed for removal from the commercials promoting kids exercising since he himself isn’t in peak physical condition and also promotes fatty unhealthy foods.

Back to the show. Edge is in the back saying he’s sick of people like Kennedy and Shawn Michaels whose match is next. He says he used his MITB and cashed it in. He says it won’t work for Kennedy. Edge says he defended his case like a championship and challenges for it. He says Kennedy is afraid and Kenney tells him to shut up. He says Edge could have just asked and he’s confident in his abilities. He then screams his win announcement in Edges face, including a screaming echo. Now to ringside with Shawn Michaels. A small HBK chant gets started while we wait on Khali. From India (because they don’t have cities….heathens).

Shawn Michaels vs. The Great Khali (#1 Contender’s Match)

Shawn attacks Khali on the apron and he just comes in anyway. Michaels leap onto him, striking and swinging like crazy. Khali gets his arms tied up in the ropes and gets a beat down. Even though this is a No DQ match, the ref pulls Michaels off. Shawn runs back at him into a boot. Michaels gets scoop slammed and rolls out of the way of a leg drop. Michaels grabs a chair and smashes Khali in the face when he sits up. Shawn tosses the chair like a retard and hit’s a clothesline to Khali when he sits up again, nipping up. Elbow drop hits and Michaels tunes up the band. Khali catches the foot and hit’s the brain chop. Khali chokes Michaels out with a boot in the corner then switches to using his hand to even things up at least.

Elbows in the corner start to squish Michaels like an ant (bet you wish you had your chair now!). Michaels finds himself traveling to a new corner for some chops, getting turned inside out in a third corner before eating a clothesline. Michaels climbs onto the apron, but Khali goes for the double choke slam to the floor only to get eye gouged. Michaels facelocks and starts dragging Khali over the ropes. Khali finally falls and Shawn starts hammering away on his back before being tossed off. Khali grabs him by the neck and throws Michaels into the ring. Michaels comes back with a baseball slide. Shawn clears the announce table and sets up a chair. He stand son the chair to try and DDT Khali through the table but Khali throws him off. Khali drags Michaels up and double choke slams him through the announce table to holy shit chants. The ref rings the bell at this as we get the generic horrified reaction shot from the single UGLIEST little girl of all time. It’s like a Sanjaya fan or something.

Winner: Khali

Commercials soothe the soul.

Random Commercial Thought: Bug. Why? Why I ask you?

Back to the show. They replay what happened to the heartbreak kid before Cena is interviewed in the back. Todd says he’ll be facing Khali and asks for thoughts. Cena introduces Tard as the king of the stupid questions, asking him how he would feel if someone wanted to fight him. He then asks how he would feel if that someone was enormous and talked like Charlie Brown’s teacher. He then says he doesn’t back down and says Randy picked the wrong guy to bring back his career against. Cena says in two weeks he will prove to the world that the only great thing about Khali is the size of the streak he leaves in the toilet bowl. Whoo! A new poop joke!

Elsewhere we have Cryme Tyme in the back (Holy shit! They’re alive!). They are having a Mother’s Day sale. Their first item is a steak and then we go to Viscera in the back elsewhere finding his steak dinner missing! (Wah wah waaaaah….) Next is prescription pills. Elsewhere: Eugene is climbing the walls. Special. Haha! Pun! Nect? A brand new hummer (not a blow job). Elsewhere: Ron Simmons finds his space empty. Damn. That’s harsh. Back to Cryme Tyme with their motto and Spiderman leaps in. It’s the fat stripper in a mask and his gut hanging out still. Shad introduces himself as batman and beats Spidey with a bat. They then steal his money and wander off as we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: You know, I’ve never even seen Shrek 2. I only saw parts of the first one.

Back to the show where the Hardy’s dance out to the ring. U2 is proud. Back at ringside are yet again Cade and Murdoch with their new nice guy routine.

World Tag Team Champions The Hardy Boys vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Non-title Match)

Matt starts off with Haas and Matt gets beaten down early, finding himself cheapshotting by Shelton from the outside while Haas makes the distraction. Haas hit’s a northern lights suplex with the bridge but there is no count. Haas keeps working the arms and bridges into the arm lock before tagging Shelton in, allowing him to leap over the ropes onto the arm. Shelton goes to an arm bar. Hardy breaks free and tags in Jeff. Jeff starts hitting clotheslines and arms drags, landing the leg drop to the ground on Haas for two. Whisper in the Wind gets another two when Shelton runs in to break it up. Twist of Fate smashes Shelton from Matt and Jeff goes up top, but Haas head butts him up top. Matt drags Haas off and the Swanton hits, Matt scoring the pin.

Winners: Hardys

After the match Cade and Murdoch come into the ring and offer their congratulations again. The Hardys don’t shove them off this time and everyone seems happy. We get a replay of the Carlito/Flair situation before going to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The once proud snapalope in its natural environment.

Back to the show where they run a Snitsky promo hype. If you can really call anything involving Snitsky, hype. Back to ringside for Carlito and Torrie. He says he has something to get off his case. He says a few months ago Ric embarrassed him in front of Torrie and that he said he could learn and grow if teamed with Flair. He says Flair lost just about all of their matches and he should have been in the MITB match at Mania and be the champion by now. He says he showed some passion last week and tonight he’ll show him some more. Flair is in Vegas though and not here. Carlito says Ric has no guts for not showing and he’s tired of carrying around dead weight and he’s going to continue to get rid of all the garbage in his life, starting with Torrie. He says she always took Flair’s side. He chews her out in Spanish and back her into a corner (Por Que bitch!).

She runs from the ring and cries and he taunts her in his heathen tongue all the way down the aisle. He says, translated as far as I can make out: “Hey you guys, I don’t need you, and I don’t need any “companions”!” before he throws down the microphone and storms off. Pimping of Orton/Cena as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Spiderman had no less than three commercials featuring him and seems to have recovered from his bat wounds well.

Back to the show. Kennedy is on his way to the ring, but Edge strikes from behind on the ramp way Edge chases Kennedy down the ramp and slings him into the security wall. Edge chokes Kennedy out with his shirt and rams Kennedy into the ring post. Edge fetches one of the busted monitors and smashes Kennedy in the face. Edge finally tosses Kennedy into the ring and the ref asks him if he’s sure he wants to do this. Kennedy screams at him to start the match and Edge spears him for the win. Mother. Fuck. After the so called match Edge smashes him with the case twice. They replay the spear and the case shots. A pimp for Smackdown’s cage match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Speaking of buying new cars it seems Rachael purchased herself a Hurricane Katrina car recently to replace her wrecked one.

Back to the show where they repay how thee announce table was destroyed before Randy Orton heads to the ring. Cena is out next and we’re already into the show’s overtime before his entrance is finished.

Randy Orton vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Non-title Match)

Cena and Randy tie up with Orton getting the advantage and sending Cena to the corner. Cena powers back out and catches Randy out of a corner on the rebound with the fisherman’s suplex for two. Cena misses a corner charge and eats ring post, Randy starting to do strong strikes an the knee drop for two. Headlock (take a shot for the first time tonight). Cena break free and hits his clothesline and protobomb into the five knuckle shuffle. Khali comes ot the ring and takes the WWE title before starting to walk off. Orton gets dumped from the FU after this distraction. Orton attacks Cena from behind and he finds himself in the STFU. Orton makes the ropes so Cena breaks the hold and chases down Khali. Cena attacks and gets clobbered, left prone on the ring apron as Khali leaves with the belt and the show simply goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Santino has an entertaining match at least, building the basis of the character so far it seems.

Lowlight of the Night: Edge once again becomes Mr. MITB I can’t really think of anyone who wants to see this again. Hopefully Edge won’t be keeping it and save us all some more anguish of Edge persistently being in the title picture.

Eugene Award: The show kind of just ends. After already giving us a few non-matches tonight, they decide to end the show with one?


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (05/14/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to Monday Night Raw. The show where even you can be a main eventer! That is, if you are huge and EVERY other heel has to leave the show to fill injury positions. Yeah.

So I just came back from Spiderman 3 which was titled improperly. It should have been called Spiderman: The Soap Opera, and apparently Peter was auditioning for a slot in My Chemical Romance half way through the movie. All in all, the judgment I pass is that the movie is acceptable but by far not a good film as far as its respect for the source material (see: none) and logical story telling go (see: Script written by the staff of Days of Our Live). Was it worth eight bucks? No. But worth a rental or matinee if you feel like it..

It still kicked The Condemned's ass..

Raw 05.14.07.

Okay so Cena comes out to start the show and I'm not kidding when I say I picked up my EGM magazine and read through this promo. Cena basically talked about how insanely unstoppable Khali is (like a fat guy at the pizza buffet). He goes on to say Khali is undefeated and destroys everyone and took his belt. Cena says he too can be a one man wrecking crew (the job of twelve Mexicans!) and Khali appears on the titantron. Khali has a translator now and while he speaks in the language only understood by mongoloids and the epileptic. They rerun his destruction of Michaels and others before Khali tells Cena if he wants some to come get some. Cena agree and stalks off to the back. Ping or Jing or whatever the translator's name is, runs in fear when Cena attacks. Cena just bounces off and Khali tosses him into a stack of pipes before double chokeslamming Cena onto a cart and choking him against a steel door as we go to commercial..

Random Commercial Thought: I was still reading.it was a good article!.

Back to the show where we get a replay of what just happened to Cena (why doesn't any other show replay thing you might have forgotten during two minutes?) The Hardys are out to the ring next followed by Cade and Murdoch with their new cleanliness is next to godliness routine..

Trevor Murdoch w/ Lance Cade vs. World Tag Team Champions Jeff Hardy w/ Matt Hardy.

Jeff starts off with the tie up and Murdoch gives a surprisingly clean break. Quick exchange sees arm drags and Jeff missing a clothesline to even them out. The crowd rallies for the match and Murdoch takes Jeff down into an elbow drop Murdoch whips Jeff to the ropes who hold on to avoid a shot. He back body drops Murdoch to the apron and knocks him to the floor with an elbow. Back in the ring, Jeff forces Murdoch to the corner and goes for a slingshot dropkick to the sternum, but Murdoch dodges. Murdoch picks up a two count and goes for a headlock (take a shot). Jeff hit's a neck breaker out of the corner on the rebound for two of his own. Hardy goes up top and Murdoch catches him only to be thrown off. Jeff goes Swanton into the knees and Murdoch picks up a two..

Matt pumps up the crowd then as Murdoch tries to come up with a battle plan, but when he turns around Hardy uses the roll up of death to score the win. Winner: Jeff.

After the match, Murdoch helps Jeff to his feet and shakes hands before heading off. They pimp Edge's appearance tonight as I find myself not caring. I mean, we're talking about a man who uses an already unbelievable finisher (whoo a tackle) and then he has a body build to make it even less believable as a killer move. Top that off with having been portraying the same character in the main event so much he's made Triple H say "Damn, that guy is over exposed" and you have a pretty uninteresting wrestler..

Random Commercial Thought: House, a show amazingly not about home repair somehow..

Back to the show where they do a Snitsky hype.or is that Thing from the Fantastic Four? Hard to tell. After that we get a replay of more Black on black crime from Lashley and Coach. In the back, Coach is wearing a Judgment Day shirt for his in ring action when the ECW champion comes up to help hype him with Umaga. Shane pumps him up and even drops my state's name in the process, whooo! Coach is pumped and walks off as Umaga gets pumped too for some reason. We get left with just Vince having an odd look on his face as we go to commercial..

Random Commercial Thought: Legend of the Dragon = SHITTY. Nuff said..

Back to the show where they replay the victory of Santino Morella against Masters. Santino is now apparently from New Jersey as he comes to the ring for a rematch..

Intercontinental Champion Santino Morella vs. Chris Masters (Non-title Match).

Santino dives for the waist lock and gets hammered down for his trouble. Masters tries for the nelson early, but Morella slips out into a nice takedown into a wristlock. Masters gouges the eyes and axe handles the knees, taking Santino down into a backbreaker, followed by another off the ropes for two. (I've yet to see anyone actually break their back in that move). Masters keeps the pressure on the back and puts an end to a small recovery. Santino counters another MASTERfull Nelson.by backing into the corner into an arm drag. Santino starts hitting some unorthodox offense but a generic spine buster crushes him for two. Masters measures him again only for Santino to slide down out of the hold. Masters counters it into the Wheel Barrow (Roid Bottle?) but Santino counters THAT into another rollup for the win..

Winner: Santino.

Masters gets pissed and crushes him with the MASTERfull Nelson after the match. They pimp Edge's farewell speech as we go to commercial..

Random Commercial Thought: Man, sometimes porn just seems to be so much more fun than regular Tv..

Back to the show where the wrestler list the people whom that would put in the Condemned, the funniest being Triple H's recommendation of The Miz with the bomb bracelets all over him and then pull out all of the pins. Back to ringside for Melina to waltz her way to the announce table where she does her entrance on the table..

Candice Michelle vs. Victoria.

Candice gets the crap beat out of her to begin with, finding herself in an odd half of a Bow and Arrow lock. She rallies back with a clothesline and head scissors while Melina talks her down and the announcers discuss how she got so "good" recently. If you can count botching arm drags as good. Candice eventually rolls Victoria up for the win as one might expect and signals the belt on her stomach which as Melina points out just makes it look like she is pointing to her fat rolls..

Winner: Candice Commercials!.

Random Commercial Thought: It takes a real man to wear tights..

Back to the show where Edge is on the scene. After his strobe lights send half of Japan into epileptic seizures, considering he decides to leave them running for the entire freaking theme song, and I hate to tell him, but that song blows custard..

This is pretty much by the book as Edge replays everything her did recently on the titantron. Edge goes on to tell us he thought about giving us one more great Edge match (there were great Edge matches?) before he goes but we don't deserve it. He says that the Great Khali left the building anyway and he has to defend his belt Sunday against Batista. Shawn Michaels interrupts and says if he wants to leave an impression so bad then he should just leave. Edge then challenges him to a match and says he'll enjoy this ass whuppin as much as the one he put on Taker. Lashley is in the back to talk to Tard when Shane interrupts him. Shane shows up to remind him he can't touch anyone then do the "I'm not touching you" shtick. Shane says they'll be at ringside for the match before we go to commercial..

Random Commercial Thought: Could someone tell me why Cox decided to record their commercials in "Earthquake level Snake Summoning" volume?.

Back to the show. Shane, Vince and Umaga come to the ring before Coach follows them out. Bobby Lashley arrives and stares down with Umaga before everyone clears out so we can get this thing started..

Bobby Lashley vs. Jonathan Coachman w/ ECW Champion Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon & Umaga.

Coach looks to the others for encouragement then swings a big right into Lashley's face. Bobby is sent reeling then bitchslaps Coach to the ground. Coach gets hung in the ropes and clubbed over by Lashley. Lashley drags Coach around into more of an ass beating before picking him up into a torture rack into a backbreaker. Bobby finishes with the spear..

Winner: Lashley.

Immediately following the bell, Shane and Umaga attack which is physical provocation so he tosses them off and attack. Shane gets thrown to the floor and Umaga hit's a throat thrust before sending Bobby into the corner. Umaga misses an Ass Crash and eats a spear. Vince looks scared on the apron and decides to make a run for it, Lashley chasing only to get clotheslined by Shane. When they get to their feet, Shane dives through the crowd but Lashley goes around to catch him. They run to the back with Shane dodging through stuff as Lashley ends up with only a coat. Shane dives onto the hood of the limo and drives away only for Vince to attack with the belt from behind and leave Bobby on the ground (SWERVE!). After that, it's a pimping for Edge's last Raw match as we to commercial..

Random Commercial Thought: So I hear the PS3 still blows, but hey there's hope on the horizon, soon you too can own a PS3 with even less backwards compatibility! Congratulations..

Back To the show where they replay what happened before we went to break. At ringside, Carlito is on his way to the ring to face Val Venis and they replay what happened with Carlito last week, ditching Torrie and Flair..

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Val Venis.

Carlito starts off early, assaulting Val and having to be thrown off by the ref. Carlito sends him to the floor and Venis crawls back in. Carlito continues to keep the pressure on before Venis rallies and hit's a sort of modified Rock Bottom. Val looks to have it sewn up but when he goes up top for the Money Shot (Carlito already being way out of position for it anyway). The crowd has been chanting for Flair this whole time I might point out. Carlito rolls over and away so Val steps down and follows, only to get a drop toe hold into the corner. Apple Jack soon puts an end to this..

Winner: Carlito.

Suddenly, Flair appears. (Wild Flair attacks! What will you do? Run. Fight. Catch.) He chases Carlito off as we go to the back where Orton tells Shawn he thinks he can beat him. They decide to have a random ass match this Sunday to settle it. Oookay? Commercials..

Random Commercial Thought: not all internet providers take you to the same internet. Some take you to the weird Bizarro Net where you can fight your evil twin!.

Back to the show. They run a segment about the Diva's being in the new Timberland video which rapes the popularity of Sin City for all it is worth. They tell us at ring side that Cena is more determined than ever to defeat Khali before replaying his ass kicking. After that it's more pimping of Judgment Day in case you forgot it's this Sunday (who could blame you?). Commercials might help ease the pain..

Random Commercial Thought: Nicotine Muppet? BRILLIANT..

Back to the show. Edge is here and he has to wait a good while before Shawn Michaels decides to wander out in his own good time..

Shawn Michaels vs. World Heavyweight Champion Edge( did I just say that? Non-title Match).

The tie up leads to Shawn gaining the advantage as he hit's a shoulder block and foes into a side headlock take down. The headlock holds through (take a shot) Shawn picking up a two count in it. Edge makes it to his feet and forces the break. They tie to the corner with Edge putting a right to the head as the announcers push the supposed concussion that Michaels suffered last week. Edge continues to lands rights to the head, but a back body drop is countered into a swinging neck breaker from HBK. Michaels stomps Edge in the head then sends him to the corners with face meeting turnbuckle in an unpleasant manner. Michaels tries a back body drop since that worked SO well for Edge, and gets kicked in the face..

Shawn goes to his feet in a boxing stance and eats some rights from Edge. Michaels drops his hands and takes a shoulder block before tossing Edge to the floor. Michaels almost jumps to the floor when Edge ducks, but he catches himself and waits for Edge to right himself to land into some mounted punches on the outside as we go to commercial..

Random Commercial Thought: There are almost twelve million fat kids in this country. I say we have a cookout..

Back to the match. Edge has Michaels on the ground and is kicking him in the head. The ref keeps asking Shawn if he wants to quit, but he keeps going. Michaels fights to his feet and eats mat once more for Edge to get two. A headlock from Edge (take a shot) has Michaels fighting back up when the crowd rallies. Edge comes off the ropes with a running kick to the head for two as HBK stumbles up with the rope. Edge comes outside to grab his head and slam it to the edge, elbowing him in the face. Edge continues to hammer him in the face while the ref reprimands him like those people who refuse to spank their children. Shawn goes to the corner and tries to kick at Edge but loses his footing. Michaels gets dragged out and takes a neck breaker for two..

Edge locks on another chinlock (take a shot). The ref checks Michaels' arm, but he rallies back and starts fighting. HBK fights up and punches his way loose, forcing Edge to the corner. Edge slams a right to Michaels' face to crush him before going up top. Michaels racks Edge on the top then drags himself up. Edge head butts him off. Michaels stands and falls down just before Edge goes for a cross body and eats canvas. Canvas must be good for you since they seem to eat it a lot. Standing ten count makes it to five. Fist fight ensues before chops take Edge down. Michaels hit's the flying forearm and nips up. Micheals hit's the atomic drop, a right and the scoop slam. Up top he goes, slinging hs head like a lunatic punk rocker. Michaels fires up and tunes up the band and for once actually hit's the Sweet Chin Music out of this for the win..

Winner: HBK.

While they are replaying the victory, we come out of it to find Orton pounding on Michaels. Michaels escapes and slings a punch, but Orton thumbs him in the eye and kicks him in the nuts. A running knee lift to the face knocks Michaels out. Replay of the attack sends us off..

Highlight of the Night: Edge/Michaels was the only match of any interest tonight when Rollups seemed to be reigning supreme. Not a bad send off for Edge. I'm not particularly fond of him, but hopefully he might try something refreshing on Smackdown rather than his same old routine..

Lowlight of the Night: Great Khali still hasn't died from the suction of the black hole that is his lack of talent. I'd also have to point out that this week just seemed to be a general time lock with nothing moving forward..

Eugene Award: Shane does a "I'm not touching you" which was only funny in kindergarten..


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die

WWE RAW RANT: (05/21/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back, to the show that kinda works like Bill Murray in Ground Hog’s Day (not the part about committing suicide, though I suppose that’s a plausible comparison too) by reliving the same events over and over again. Perhaps Vince will repent of his past sins and finally break free of the spell.

Fat chance.

Raw 05.21.07

Show opens with theme and pyro leading to Bobby Lashley who wants to challenge Vince for the title after not winning the belt on Sunday. Vince comes out and tells him he won’t be getting another shot. He says he will be defending his title against the #1 Contender, and ECW Original….The Blue Meanie (not the one from Yellow Submarine). Bobby asks why it isn’t him. Shane finally accepts the challenge for a Street Fight himself and Vince says that the stipulation tonight is Lashley has to defeat each of his opponents to win and run the gauntlet. After Vince and crew leave, we get a video segment about Shawn Michaels as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Where are my cheetohs?

Back to the show where Carlito and Flair are out for a rematch. You know, just in case you paid for it last night.

Flair opens hard with slamming chops and punches in the corner, but Carlito kicks the back of the knee out, dropping and elbow and going into vicious stomping. Carlito locks on an arm scissors and gets a two count in it. Flair eventually manages to get the ropes, forcing the break. Carlito grabs him but Flair kicks him off. Flair starts chopping Carlito all the way across the ring, but a springboard elbow from Carlito catches him off guard, only for Flair to supposed duck though he seems to have botched that. Flair chop block follows and stomping of the legs. Ric starts to strut and taunts before putting on the Figure Four, but a thumb to the eye sends Flair to the ropes. Carlito clotheslines him to the floor and they both tumble out. Neither one seems to be getting up and the Ten count ensues. Flair gets the apron, but doesn’t make it to the ring in time for the Double Count Out.
Winner: No one….seriously

Carlito continues the match anyone by pulling Ric’s legs out from under him then slamming him to the step. He lays Flair out and spits an apple in his face as some fat bitch tells him she hopes he chokes on his apple, which he obviously didn’t since it isn’t in his mouth anymore. Commercials ahoy (take that Jack Sparrow!)

Random Commercial Thought: Shrek the Third, will be Shrek the Last.

Back to the show. We get a replay of Candice winning her match last week while Melina was on commentary. Melina is on her way to the ring, followed by Candice.

Candice does horribly to begin with, stumbling about like a drunken wino at Mcdonald’s breakfast special. She get’s hung up over the middle rope and Melina hits her with a bronco buster from behind, pulling the hair and going to a camel clutch. Candice gets choked out on the ropes again until Candice throws her off hard, causing Melina to pull her leg and hop around. Candice hit’s a backbreaker for two. Candice follows with clotheslines and a side dropkick. The crowd rallies and Candice grabs Melia by the legs only for her to hold onto the ropes. Candice pulls her off, slamming he back down for another two. Melina rakes the eyes in the corner, ramming Candice to the ropes, but she holds on, causing her to fall back. Candice rolls up into a bridge for three.
Winner: Candice

In the back, Khali is yelling at his translator as we go to commercials. Elsewhere, Bobby Lashley is on his way to the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: Welcome to the Jungle, we got fun and games….and scrabble!

Back to the show. Lashley is in the ring for the Gauntlet. Masters is first on the list.

Match begins with a tie up and a hard shot from Lashley. He takes Masters into the mat and picks up a quick two. Masters is sent to the corner, dodging a hard spear that sling Bobby into the ring post. Arm bar take down gets two for Masters as he goes for the wrench but the crowd is rallying huge for Bobby. Lashley tries to fight back only to eat a clothesline. Chris signals the MASTERfull Nelson and puts it on as he stands up. Lashley can’t seem to break it, but he does make it to the ropes instead. Bobby eats a few more cheap shots before fighting back and hitting a hard clothesline. Back Body drop follows. Powerslam gets a two count. Lashley just decides to crush him with….well okay I’ll admit I wasn’t paying attention. So I’ll just make up a move, he hits Chris with sack of potatoes. The replay however tells me it was a spear that finishes him off.
Winner: Lashley.

After this first match, we see the Hardy Boys in the back headed down the hall and it’s more commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: Modest Mouse is kinda like Mighty Mouse’s half-retarded cousin.

Back to the show. The World’s Greatest Tag Team is at the announce team while the Hardys come out They get a pretty good ovation while JR goes on about the title defense the Hardy’s had at last night’s PPV. Nitro and Dykstra will be the opponents tonight it seems. You know, since obvious a super star and a cheerleader go together.

Kenny catches Matt off guard and hits him from behind, slinging him to the enemy corner for some hard shot. Slingshot, sends Matt into a shot from Nitro on the apron before Nitro tags in. Matt falls back, draped over Kenny’s knees and Nitro leaps in to crush him. They get a two count and Nitro tries to keep the pressure on but Matt escapes to tag in Jeff. JEff hit’s a sling shot splash on Nitro for two then hit’s a face first suplex. Jeff goes up top and has to kick Kenny off, which allows Nitro to catch him up top Jeff fights nitro off and hit’s a flying sunset flip for the win.
Winners: Hardys

After the match the World’s Greatest Tag Team attacks and Cade and Murdoch arrive to clear the ring of the other heels. The Hardys and the rednecks taunt their opponents as the crowd rallies for the Hardys. All four men raise their hands in victory.

Random Commercial Thought: BUG! Which is actually a type of insect! Not all insects are bugs. And now you know. Because knowing…is half the battle! Now if you could just learn to fight you’ll have the other half.

Back to the show. In case you missed some of JR’s size comparisons from the Big Show, then you can have some from him now all about Khali. Khali comes to the ring with his translator who says Khali should be the champion. Khali blabbers and supposedly he said he was cheated and has never submitted ever. He says he knew his foot was under the rope the whole time and ref screwed the Great Khali. He says all the people screwed the Great Khali and John Cena screwed the Great Khali (that’s one hell of an orgy). He then plays a bit of footage where Khali’s foot is outside the rope and hit’s the rope. They go on to say Cena had to use the steps to win too and that Khali could defeat Cena anyway, but for some reason he needs to list every location individually as if he was Dora the fucking Explorer. Cena decides to interrupt.

Cena says two things are for sure, Khali did have his foot under the rope and he did tap too. Cena says for him he is no longer afraid, but he was before. He says he got him and he knows he can get him again, taking the challenge of being beaten anywhere literally. Cena goes on to say they can have a rematch if they want then Cena tries to tie up. Khali just brain chops him (get that brain back in yo head boy!). Double Barrel Chokeslam crushes Cena. Commercials anyone?

Random Commercial Thought: So, if I want an American girl I need to pay for one to torture then? So that’s the secret!

Back to the show where they replay what just happened. Lashley is back in the ring for his next match which last time I checked a Gauntlet doesn’t mean you get a convenient little break in between bits. Viscera is his opponent.

Viscera seems to be doing okay, but Lashley finally starts jumping into shoulder blocks to keep bouncing Viscera bouncing off the ropes finally catching him into a scoop slam for two. Viscera throws Lashley off and starts standing on Lashley with aid of the ropes. Viscera slams Lashley with the Big Bossman slam for dual two counts. Lashley tries to come back and comes running at Viscera with a clothesline, but Viscera rolls out into a fat ass wheel kick for two. Lashley dodges Viscera in the corner and nails the spear for the win.
Winner: Lashley

The Timberland premiere is next. Oh hey look a bathroom break!

Random Commercial Thought: Maybe I should go take a nap during this next bit.

The divas who are in the video come out and the only thing of note here is that JR says the Extreme Exhibition is the ONLY reason he watches Sci Fi. HA! Not like there is a wrestling show. The rest of this is a lot of bullshit about tits and ass. So um…yeah.

Random Commercial Thought: When it comes down to it you can always go out and work for Cox. Or you can work for the Cable company (BURN!)

Back to the show. They talk about Shawn’s concussion injury from last night with Orton and then Orton comes to the ring. He says he regrets what Shawn’s wife had to do or something of the such before replaying what happened to Michaels at Judgment Day on the titantron. Orton goes on to talk about how that might be Shawn’s last match before deciding that since he doesn’t have a gimmick at the moment he might as well go back to being the Legend Killer again, saying that’s the real reason he won, not the concussion. Afterward we go to the back where Vince is telling Umaga that he’s next for the Gauntlet, despite the fact that he hasn’t been able to beat Bobby Lashley yet in an actual match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Are aliens really all that concerned with drugs? I mean, they ARE anally probing.

Back to the show where Lashley is back to get it on with Umaga.

Umaga ties up and tosses Lashley to the corner hard. Slamming Bobby down, Umaga hit’s a body splash for a two count. Umaga continues to toss Lashley around like a rag doll (take that Raggedy Anne you bitch!) . Umaga decides to slow down and go for a bear hug since they have so many bears in Samoa. Lashley starts to pass out apparently, that or he’s taking a nap. Lashley finally fights his way out and tries to come off the ropes into a clothesline only to be squished with a Samoan Drop for two. Umaga drags Lashley up for a more in detail but kicking including a head butt. Umaga goes up top and tries the diving head butt, but Bobby dodges. Standing ten count ensues. Umaga and Lashley trade blows before Bobby gains the advantage, slamming him tot eh turnbuckle and clothes lining Umaga to the floor.

Umaga hit’s the announce table and turns to find Lashlye leaping off from the ring to Umaga who catches him with a throat thrust in mid air. Umaga gets pissed and tosses the time keeper aside to steal the chair and crack Lashley in the skull.
Winner: Lashley

We see in the back after Lashley is apparently left for the vultures, that Shane is ready for a match against bobby as well. Commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: I can’t hear an Asian guy talk now without thinking of Wii commercials.

Back to the show where Lashley is in the ring and Umaga is screaming on the apron. Apparently during the break Lashley took another throat thrust and a Samoan Spike during the break. Shane’s Music then hits. Lashley is asked if he will continue by the ref and much like Kennedy decides to agree. Shane puts Bobby in the corner (NOBODY puts baby in the corner!) before unleashing with punches and kicks, stomping him into the mat. He pushes Lashley to the ring post, hitting a baseball slide on him into it. He bow and arrows Lashley around the post as a follow up. Umaga has to be called off with a chair so Shane doesn’t get DQed. Shane and Vince talk him down as does the ref. they start telling Umaga to leave to the back before Shane gets in the ring. He apparently would have been counted out if the ref had done his damn job. Shane punches on Lashley in the corner before Bobby gets a rollup on Shane for two.

Lashley hit’s a huge clothesline and follows with a devastating spine buster for another two. Shane hit’s a huge DDT for two of his own and starts laying in with head butts. Shane goes for a boston crab and  Lashley tries to fight out. Breaking the hold. Shane goes up top and hit’s a top rope elbow drop for two. Shane follows with a camel clutch but Lashley stands up out of it eventually to ram Shane back into the ring post. Shane starts to try and fight back, but when Lashley lifts him, his back gives and Shane beats him down. Shane goes up top, leaping off….right into a spear for the loss.
Winner: Lashley

Lashley apparently display his crotch to Vince while on the top rope in victory as the show goes off the air.

If you’re looking for me next week, you’ll have to look elsewhere, this recapper will be in Branson Missouri over the holiday.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (05/28/07) By Gershon Levy

Hey everybody, this is your old friend Gershon recapping a day early for Cameron who is no doubt actually taking advantage of the extended weekend.  Smart guy, especially since I got left with a hard sell episode for this weekend’s One Night Stand pay per view as I always do when I am recapping Raw.  You know I could have sworn we just had a fallout from one last week!  I have to admit I haven’t been home on a Monday in weeks so maybe this will seem fresh to me.  Yeah fresh as in when a guy calls a woman a slut.
We start with the traditional video package saying how important it is to remember those who fought for our country and died.  This episode of Raw is dedicated to them.
Theme and pyro and we are LIVE from Toronto, Canada.  Candice Michelle is out first and really what better way to honor the troops than with a Memorial Day Bikini Beach Blast Battle Royal?  I mean maybe if you were channel surfing (haha surfing) and came across this (literally and figuratively) it’d be OK but does this make most wrestling fans want to stay tuned?  Mickie, Maria, Jillian, Kelly Squared, Layla, Brooke, Michelle McCool, Kristal, and Melina all make entrances.  Hey, where’s Trinity?  Most of the divas have super soakers and some are throwing water balloons.
Memorial Day Bikini Beach Blast Battle Royal (Can’t Type With No Hands Free)
Wet women, slippery ring, you do the math.  Michelle eliminates Melina with a dropkick for the win.
Winner: Michelle McCool
Shane McMahon is on his way to the ring to make a huge announcement.  I already know what it is because I read some spoilers, but I’ll leave you in suspense.  Let’s just say Cameron’s gonna be pissed when he finds out he has to cover an extra hour in two weeks and some superstars are gonna swap shows.  Hmm, guess I can’t be all that subtle.
Here comes the money!  I have to admit I never get tired of Shane’s dance when he comes out.  Well he makes the announcement and says everyone could potentially be picked, even leprechauns.  I’d like to know if the Great Khali can be drafted to unemployment.  He also announces later tonight Umaga, Khali and Shane will face John Cena and Bobby Lashley in a handicapped match.  He says if Cena gets in his way of beating up Lashley he will beat him so bad he’ll call him honey (so apparently he indirectly confessed he is guilty of domestic abuse?) and you’ll find out why they call him “money”.
After a commercial, we got the emo heroes, the Hardys followed by Cade and Murdoch.  They’ll be facing the WGTT as well as Nitro and Kenny.  Kenny entered wearing a dead animal (not Batista) around his neck which Lawler claims he hit on the interstate.
Hardys, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch vs. World’s Greatest Tag Team, Johnny Nitro, and Kenny Dykstra (How About A Match Tonight With Just 6 People)
Matt has Benjamin but Haas is able to tag in and deliver some shoulder blocks to the gut.  Matt gains control and whips Haas into the corner and hits a back body drop.  Lots of tags here which make it hard to keep up.  Eventually Jeff hits Poetry In Motion, and Matt clotheslines Benjamin so both he and Haas are on the outside.  In a true “holy shit” moment, Murdoch goes to the top rope and does a belly flop right onto them on the floor!  After a commercial where Murdoch got a big bucket of chicken as reward for doing that move, Jeff hits Whisper in the Wind from the top but ends up back on the defensive.  Nitro and Dykstra do some nice tandem moves to wear down Jeff further.  Everyone seems to be tagging in and hitting a move then locking in a submission.  Jeff keeps trying to come back but is unable to.  With all the rest holds, Randy Orton is obviously watching with approval.  Finally Jeff is able get a tag to Matt who hits a few clotheslines then a bulldog but only gets a two count.  He sets up Kenny for a reverse DDT and Nitro interferes but Matt kicks him and hits a double DDT.  Matt then hits the Twist of Fate then Jeff the Swanton for the win.
Winners: Hardys, Cade and Murdoch
Benjamin gets on the microphone and congratulates but mentions they didn’t pin them.  He challenges the Hardys to a title match this Sunday (nothing like these last minute storylines) and Matt accepts but makes it a ladder match.
Tard is in the back interviewing Cena (who gets a very mixed reaction, this is Toronto after all).  He still is not afraid of Khali and does an impression of his talking.  He also says he knows there is doubt whether he can get the job done, but he takes pride in making his critics shut up.
After a commercial, Maria is interviewing Santino in the back and asks him how he feels about being drafted.  She laughs while he talks and asks if he is Italian because she loves his accent.  Marella leaves and Orton comes over and mentions he is facing RVD later tonight.  Hmm so you have a guy who should be fired for misconduct and a guy who is leaving because he got demoted for misconduct.  Van Dam makes his entrance followed by Orton and we are ready for our next match.
Rob Van Dam vs. Randy Orton (Initials Match)
Both men exchange rest holds and Van Dam finally gets an arm drag to end the monotony.  RVD then gets a monkey flip in the corner (do monkeys really do that to each other?).  He then gets a roundhouse kick and goes for Rolling Thunder but Orton counters with Rolling Outside The Ring.  Back inside, RVD goes to the top but gets knocked off with a dropkick and goes face first into the ring barrier.  After a commercial, big surprise but Orton has a rest hold!  Van Dam keeps trying to break out and eventually does and hits a kick to the face from the second rope.  This time RVD is able to hit Rolling Thunder.  He then hits a split legged moonsault and gets a real close count.  RVD goes to the top but slips and in that time Orton goes to the apron and RVD hits a solid kick to the face which knocks Orton to the floor.  Back inside, Van Dam is on the receiving end of a DDT and nearly gets pinned and he looks completely dazed.  He is unable to get to his feet and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner: Randy Orton
When the ref isn’t looking Orton picks up Van Dam and hits an RKO.  The doctors check him out and we go to commercial.
When we come back, they say RVD may have had a concussion and they speak in “serious tones”.  Ric Flair enters with Torrie followed by Carlito with Victoria (good upgrade senor!).
Ric Flair and Torrie Wilson vs. Carlito and Victoria (Intergender Idiocy Match)
Flair takes early control but Carlito bounces back and eventually gets a half Boston Crab (but you still have to pay full price).  Victoria tags in and misses a punch and hits her own partner instead.  Torrie tags in and hits a few clotheslines and a facebuster.  Carlito tags in and he kisses her which she responds to with a slap.  Carlito hits the Apple Jack and gets the pin.
Winners: Carlito and Victoria
So basically this week could be renamed WWE Overkill with the three shows plus Saturday Night’s Main Event and One Night Stand over the weekend.  JR and the King run down the ONS lineup where every match is under extreme rules.  Just like ECW is supposed to be!  Umaga and Khali confront each other in what has to be the funniest exchange ever.  Shane comes over and talks to them both giving instructions.  How come they can’t speak English but they can understand Shane?  Realism at its finest!
Commercial Comment: Seriously, how many times are they going to show the commercial for “Norbit”?  And how many more times is Eddie Murphy going to make unfunny comedies?
When we come back, Maria is doing the Kiss Cam and apparently a couple just got married.  Was the wedding performed by Eric Bischoff in old age makeup?  OK I got nothing.  Chris Masters interrupts and acknowledges the fact she likes Santino and challenges him to the Masterlock Challenge.  Marella runs down to the ring and ends up getting the lasagna beat out of him.  Masters then puts on the MASTERfull Nelson and well that was about it.  Main event is next as we go to commercial again.
Shane McMahon, Umaga and the Great Khali vs. WWE Champion John Cena and Bobby Lashley (Handicapped Without The Wheelchairs Match)
Before the match started I noticed a great Simpsons reference on a sign.  “I was saying Boo-urns”.  Umaga and Cena start things out with the big Samoan dominating early with his size.  Cena uses his quickness though to fight back.  Umaga then gets control back and tags in Khali while the crowd has differing chants for Cena  which sounds like “Let’s Go Cena” and “Cena Sucks”.  I should mention the voices sound like young vs. older fans too.  Umaga tagged back in and hits a Drop but only gets a two count.  Shane tags in and puts on a leg scissors but Cena breaks out and hits a Protobomb.  Both Umaga and Lashley tag in.  Bobby goes for a suplex but can’t lift him so he hits a DDT instead.  Umaga manages to tag Khali and Cena comes in and with a shoulder block ties up Khali in the ropes.  Outside Cena gets pulled and gets hit with a Samoan Spike, Khali then hits the double armed chokeslam.  Shane tags in and hits an elbow drop from the top and gets the pin.
Winners: Shane McMahon, Umaga and the Great Khali
Vince meets Shane at the top of the ramp and gives Shane a hug and they all raise their arms in victory as we go off the air.
Highlight of the Night: I’ll go with the RVD-Orton match which didn’t have the best ending but was the most entertaining match in addition to the 8 man tag.
Lowlight of the Night:  Obviously going with the Battle Royal on this one.
Eugene Moment:  Instead of picking something specific from tonight, I’m just going with the fact WWE will have programming 5 nights this week instead of the usual 4 when there is a PPV coming up.
Come back tomorrow as I am pulling double duty this week and covering my regular spot for ECW as well.  Hehe I said duty, and by doubling it there’s more!  Now hit my music!

Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).