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WWE RAW RANT: (05/01/06) By Cameron Burge

Yo. I be chillin’ here in da Best Damn Raw Rant Period, bitch.

Sorry. I had my street on. Anyway, welcome back. Backlash is over and we have a new Intercontinental Champion. RVD is packing the case and the title while Cena keeps his hypnotizing Spinner O’ Doom. Kane and Show got nowhere and Vince has a SHOCKING announcement tonight. He has AIDS.


Okay, maybe not that last part.

Raw 05.01.06

Vince opens the show and says Shane and he did the impossible (brought peace to the middle east?) they defeated God and HBK. Tonight he’s taking a day off like God did and making the Spirit Squad Co-general Managers....even though we don’t have a General Manager on the show. Their first order of business is to give Kenny a WWE Title Shot. Then the Divas are dressing as the greatest performers in the world...Cheer Leaders....I like this rule.

Theme and pyro lead us to the regular show and Joey is welcoming us to Columbus, Ohio. Coach is mysteriously missing. Foley will be back on The Cutting Edge again tonight. Torrie is out in her uniform with the dog as a pom pom. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS! Maria has a new emo entrance theme as her tag team partner. We round out quartet with Mickie and Victoria. They replay Trish’s injury in slow motion with evil sound effects.

Victoria & Women's Champion Mickie James vs. Maria & Torrie Wilson (Tag Team Cheerleader Match)

Victoria attacks Torrie early and stretches her over her back by the hair. Torrie drop toe holds Victoria and goes to an arm wrench before tagging in Maria. Maria goes up top to come down on the arm, but Victoria escapes and tags in Mickie. Mickie misses a clothesline and Maria kicks low before throwing Mickie by the hair. Victoria and Mickie get stacked in the corner by Maria and Maria whips Torrie into them. Torrie hits a stinkface on Victoria then Mickie eats a Bronco (heh,...eats...) from Maria. Victoria throws out Mickie, but Torrie neutralizes her. Mickie goes to suplex Maria back in, but Trish runs in and trips her for Maria to get the cross body and the pin.
Winners: Maria & Torrie

Special Match "Fact": Maria's shitty new Emo Theme is brought to you by WWE Music. You too can feel the lameness.

Random Commercial Thought: My Character was rejected by USA! But I’m a Jedi damnit!

Back to the show where the Spirit Squad is in for a six man tag match for no reason. Their opponents is the ODD Squad. Eugene, Goldust and Snitsky. BEST. TEAM. EVER.

The Odd Squad vs. The Spirit Squad (Six Man Tag)

Goldust starts us off with arm drags and Eugene tags in. Eugene goes in with heavy rights to big pops and misses a corner charge. We see Vince in the back watching in his chair while someone gets a two count in the background. Candice is on his lap getting him drinks. Eugene goes down for two from Johnny. Nicky tags in and they double team Eugene in the corner. Nicky slams Eugene down for two.

Eugene goes down more than Lita here, getting a cheap shot and double team on the outside while the legal member distracts the ref. Snitsky gets pissed and argues with the ref, not allowing Mikey to get the three on Eugene. Eugene hits a Rock Bottom when Mikey turns. Snitsky and Nicky tag in and Gene cleans house. Snitsky gets teamed up on, but Snitsky hits the big boot. Johnny tags in as does Eugene. Eugene tries the Stunner, but eats the Johnny Go Round kick. Three count and it’s over.
Winners: The Spirit Squad

Special Match "Fact": Goldust wrestled a grand total of thirty seconds.

Random Commercial Thought: Nashville Star is lame. I’m sorry, but it is.

WWE Unlimited: Maria got attacked by Mickie in the ring with the big MickieDT.

Back to the show. They replay what happened to Mickie and Tard asks Eugene (how appropriate) how it felt to lose because the Squad asked him. Eugene says Uncle Eric always told him never give up then corrects himself saying Eric always told him to give up and was a jerk, but at least he still has a job. Striker then beats him with a text book.

They play a "This week in Mania history" narrated by Vince ending with HBK’s loss. We see Haas, HBK and Show in the back watching this when the Squad comes in and says HBK has the night off form wrestling as HBK will be reffing Kane vs. Rob Conway. They do a chicken sound at him and says Shawn has a special gift, a Ref Shirt in yellow reading May 19th several times. Show says they’ll figure something out as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m sick and tired of these stupid online poker commercials.

Back to the show. They replay Kane/Show from Backlash with Show "Performing an exorcism" with a steal chair. Because obviously Kane's head was making a 360 degree rotation and spitting green goo. Conway struts out after HBK. Conway makes fun of Michaels’ shirt so Michaels checks him for objects. Shawn low blows him and forces Conway into the shirt before calling Kane out. Shawn then holds Rob in place in the shirt and tosses him over the ropes to Kane. Kane hits himself then slams Rob into the steps as the crowd starts a May 19th chant.

Kane vs. Rob Conway (Special Ref: Shawn Michaels)

Michaels starts the match when Rob crawls in trying to get away. Conway gets annihilated as Joey says this is the most brutal of all the beatings Conway has been getting recently. Michaels climbs up on the turnbuckle to watch. Conway tries to escape through the crowd, but Shawn helps him back to the ring. Conway uses the hem of the shirt to wave at Kane then gets out of the way as Conway takes a boot to the face. Michaels retrieves a trash can for Kane to use and Conway eats it hard.

Kane drags Conway back up and removes the shirt before dragging Conway into a choke slam. Shawn false cowers in a corner as Kane just up and leaves. Shawn gets down on the ground by Conway with a microphone and says May 19th several times. He leaves the microphone on Conway so Kane thinks it was him and tombstones him for the win.
Winner: Kane

Special Match "Fact": Best. Squash. Ever.

After the match we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Face/Off...The Sequel? Face/On.

Back to the show. Estrada is in the ring after the slam of the week is Umaga and Flair at Backlash. Estrada tells us to listen in Spanish then says it again in English and introduces himself...for the upteenth time. The crowd says his name with him. Estrada asks the random jobber who has apparently been here if he is the nature boy or if he is scared, because he should be.

Umaga w/ Estrada vs. Rory Fox

Umaga tackles Rory in the corner and decimate shim with a two handed choke toss. He crushes him in the other corner with an ass charge then goes up top for the splash and it is over with the Samoan Spike.
Winner: Umaga

Special Match "Fact": Samoans with the exception of The Rock are all savages!

Vince apparently healed Candice’s "chest" cold and is going to help her with her "Labia-Gitis" and no I’m not kidding, when Hunter shows up (For shame, Candice! What would Viscera say?). Hunter says he can see how swollen her chest is. Vince makes Hunter the special ref for Cena/Kenny, but Hunter demands to be the one in the match. Vince says he should punish Hunter for last night, not give him a match. Hunter says he’ll do it, and if Kenny wins it will be Kenny/Hunter next week with the Squad banned. Vince says if he doesn’t take his advice and do it anyway, he’ll never get a title shot again in not so many words.

They re-run Foley/Edge in the hardcore match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: burgers do not propel me to great feats of strength. Only Porn can do that...and cheese. I like cheese.

Back to the show. Lita is out (of quarantine) and she introduces Edge for us. Lita walks funny because they say Hunter gave her a spine buster...then he did a wrestling move too. Edge says he outshined both Hunter and Cena, but gets no respect. He then says he still has claim to the Championship because Hunter got pinned and not him. Edge says his Wrestlemania match is tarnished because Joey called it. A small Joey chant tries to start. King tells Joey he doesn’t suck as Foley arrives.

Foley goes to speak and pauses for the chants. His record skips, causing him to repeat himself as he talks about what went wrong at Mania. He says nothing went wrong, it went right. He says he was meaner and more prepared, focused and hardcore than he had ever been and on that one night he had been involved in the greatest hardcore match of his career and possibly the greatest ever. HA, yeah right... He says if he did go wrong it was in not realizing that he would be face to face with the toughest son of a bitch in the WWE. Foley extends a hand and Edge declines the shake. Foley says he lost, but did get the defining Mania moment where he went through the burning table. His defining moment is the look in Edge’s eyes afterward, knowing he would never be the same and years had been taken off his life. Knowing he didn’t want to do it again. Foley says he’s different because he does want to do it again tonight and manages to get his cheap pop too.

Edge says it’s convenient that he just went through hell last night and he still has Strep, but he’s on...crack. Edge says it won’t happen and because Foley was stupid enough, but next week he’ll take him on in any match. Foley tells him to go home and rest up from all the injuries and be ready to scream for mercy. He says he should think about it then try to have a nice day, bang bang (that’s what SHE said, zing!).

They pimps the main event as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Save Russian Jews. Collect valuable prizes.

They run stills from Shelton/RVD. Masters is here after losing to Carlito last night. Masters says last night was a fluke because Carlito cheated to win and if he sticks his nose in his business again, he’ll be spitting teeth instead of apples. Masters moves on to RVD saying it was impressive, because now he’s both Mr. Money in the Bank and the IC champion. He says if RVD thinks he can do it all, he can’t break the Masterlock. Rob answers the challenge. Masters sets up the chair as the ref takes Rob’s stuff.

A guy in the front row screams "Use a chair!" as Masters sinks the hold in. Masters tosses Rob around as Shelton runs in and starts pounding on him. Carlito comes in to answer that one fan’s call with a chair. A members of the Spirit Squad comes out and tells them to stop with a cheer written just for them. The gyst of the cheer is that they are in a tag team bout starting now as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Guitar-playing Geckos are NOT entertaining television.

WWE Unlimited: Rob gets planted by Shelton after a cheap shot.

Back to the match. (they cut off a commercial for this)

Intercontinental Champion Rob Van Dam & Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Chris Masters & Shelton Benjamin

RVD is on the ground, getting worked over pretty well. We see Vince in the back making out with Candice as Shelton works Rob over some more in several holds as Joey receives a note from the Spirit Squad saying they want to see him. He and King argue over it since the match is going on. Rob eats a big powerslam for two from Shelton when Carlito breaks it up. Masters tags in and goes to work with elbow drops and stomps. Rob fights free and ducks a clothesline, landing a spinning heel kicks.

Both men make the tag and Carlito takes Shelton downtown with a backdrop and ducks a clothesline form Masters. Masters eats lefts and a clothesline. Shelton also misses a clothesline and Carlito lands a springboard reverse elbow off the center rope. Masters attacks form behind and Carlito takes him out, but Shelton hit shim with a round kick to the back of the head. Rob comes off the top at Shelton, but Masters sends him out. Masters presses Carlito, but Carlito reverses into a Backcracker. Haas run in and stops Shelton from using a weapon, allowing Carlito to get the rollup with the tights for the win.
Winners: RVD & Carlito

Special Match "Fact": RVD and CCC would make MNM SOL in a tag match.

Smackdown! Rebound shows Mark Henry trying to fly on Angle. The Squad tells Joey he has a lack of Spirit and it is appalling and Kenny doesn’t need negative energy bringing him down. Joey says he’s just doing his job and they tell him to do a better job. They say if he doesn’t Vince will make him wear the girl cheerleader uniform next week. They tell him to say the New WWE Champion is Kenny. He asks if they are serious and they tell him to just say it. He says it with lackluster. He tries again and they imitate him to show him how it is done. They tell him to get out and practice it as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Form the makers of Tomb Raider comes Womb Raider to a XXX Arcade near you.

Back to the show. They run a video package for See No Evil. We go back to Joey walking back to the ring as King introduces him as our lead announcer and future cheerleader. King imitates Joey and he says if it was ECW he wouldn’t be working with a hack like him. King says he’s finally showing spirit, he likes that. Joey asks if he wants to see spirit and shoves him a couple of times asking him if he likes that. King says it’s good so Joey bitch slaps him. King then tells Joey to start his own business to which Styles replies, "I’m already in business. The Business of kicking your ass....and business is booming." (Okay, maybe that didn’t happen.) King decks him, calling him a little idiot and Joey storms out to ECW chants as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: How come true color is just for men? For once, I’d like to know what a woman’s true color is without checking the carpet to see if matches the drapes.

WWE Unlimited: King apologizes to the fans.

Back to the show. They replay what just happened. King apologizes to Joey and invites him back out, saying it just got out of line. Joey comes down to the ramp and says King wants to apologize like nothing happened and he didn’t knock him on his ass. Joey says he’s not coming back and he’s going to show people thanks to live TV why he was the undisputed loose cannon of commentary in ECW. Joey says he was hired by WWE he didn’t ask to be hired. He complains about all the WWE terminology and to deliberately ignore the moves and holds to tell stories. He says it is damn insulting tot he wrestlers, not entertainers, who leave their families to do this. He says he was pulled from Mania because he doesn’t sound like Jim Ross. He says he isn’t good enough to call Backlash and called PPV by himself in ECW and that hasn’t been done before or since. He says he is sick of Sports Entertainment, male cheerleaders, boogers, bathroom humor and semen and his chairmen who likes to mock God, talk about Semen and makes out with the divas to feed his own ego. Joey says he’s sick of Vince, and the fans who buy this and quits. King says they brought Joey from the gutter and he must have gotten homesick. He asks if Joey would feel better kissing Heyman’s ass in a bingo hall and call shim an idiot as Hunter arrives and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Stuff was on. That’s right. Stuff.

WWE Unlimited: Our replacement for Joey? TARD GRISHAM. God would help us, but he’s busy jobbing to Vince.

Back to the show. Todd and King talk about Joey as the Spirit Squad comes out. Cena is out next, his face is all bruised. Cena and Hunter face off in the ring. Kenny tries to pounce, but Cena counters.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Kenny w/ The Spirit Squad (WWE Title Match, Special Ref: Triple H)

Kenny eats scoop slams and rights followed by an elbow drop as Hunter watches from a corner. Cena uses boxing punches on Kenny and hits a suplex when Kenny bounces off the ropes groggily. Cena takes a boot to the face on a corner charge, but Cena goes for the FU when Hunter sticks him with a right. Kenny tosses Cena to the floor for a full team beat down. It’s like Bang Bus but without the chick. The Squad rolls Cena back in and Kenny covers, but Hunter doesn’t count the cover. Kenny gets his attention and Hunter goes down, but Cena kicks out before he starts. Kenny rocks Cena with shots and sends him down, but Hunter pauses in the count allowing Cena to kick out.

Cena fights back with huge rights and sucks a clothesline into the shoulderblock, but the Squad drags him outside for another beatdown. Cena eats steel steps and slaps to the back of the head. They roll Cena back in and Kenny tries to get Hunter’s attention for the cover, but it is slow and only gets two. The Squad gets pissed and asks what is up, but Triple H shrugs.

Cena rolls his shoulder back up on the next slow count. Kenny does a You Can’t See me on the neckbreaker but Hunter’s slow count once again allows Cena to kick out. Cena tries to fight back, but eats a DDT for another slow two count. Kenny starts screaming at Hunter and throws hi headband into the crowd, shoving Triple H. Hunter decks him and hits a Pedigree, inviting the rest of them in as he tosses his ref shirt. The Squad doesn’t want to come in as Hunter says to hell with it, leaving the ring. The Squad beats Cena down out off spite as Hunter watches from the ramp for a moment then turns to leave. Michaels meets him on the ramp in his own ref uniform for a stare down.

Hunter looks back at the ring in dramatic fashion as Kenny hits the giant leg drop on Cena. Shawn runs in and counts the pin, but only counts to two then stands. Cena shrugs off his shirt and screams at Michaels, eating Sweet Chin Music. Cena and Michaels fight off the Squad with Johnny eating the Protobomb and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Johnny stumbles up and takes Sweet Chin Music. Michaels says he couldn’t see any of it, he’s blind so Cena hits the FU you on Kenny for the three.
Winner: Cena

Special Match "Fact": The Spirit Squad signature move, "High Spirits" is the saddest finisher I’ve ever seen. I mean who is supposed to be afraid of falling through the air and landing on your back? Except for maybe Owen Hart.

Cena holds the title up as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Joey "quits" WWE with style, saying everything we all know is true. I LOVE YOU JOEY STYLES!....Don’t look at me like that.

Lowlight of the Night: Umaga has yet another squash. Woohoo...

Eugene Award: Vince gets some Poon from Playboy Cover girl, Candice. I fucking hate that guy.

Don’t forget to check out the Main Page for al the hilarity that can be found by everyone else here at the Fan.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (05/08/06) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the Coachless, Joeyless show now featuring the LATEST in announcing technology....Jim Ross.


Anyway, we might as well get this one over with.

Raw 05.08.06

Show opens with a recap of Hunter as the guest ref last week leaving and having Michaels take over. The DX Tease continues.

Theme and pyro bring us to Good Ole JR, but what the hell is good about him I ask you? I mean, if you like your announcing stationed after 1985. JR and King pimp the card and King welcomes back Ross who says he is home. Hunter plays in with his actual The Gamer theme instead his King of Kings theme as he has been doing. King and JR blow Hunter all the way down the aisle.

Hunter talks about his title and calls out Cena. Cena gets his usual reaction and tells HHH to wait a second before trying to explain to him that he has ten championships and the New York Yankees have 27. He says that doesn’t mean at the beginning of the year it doesn’t allow the Yankees to get into the world series. He says it doesn’t matter what Hunter’s done which gets Cena sucks chants and they all know what he’s done and they respect him. He says lately he’s made Hunter tap and has pinned him so that’s no reason for the King of Kings to get back on his throne. (Damn Cena’s imitation is still spot on.) He says if he doesn’t let Hunter fight him, he’ll just force his way in anyway with the sledgehammer or they can just have a match right now for the WWE title. He says it’s a tough decision but he wants the match right now. Cena strips for the match and Hunter says it is on and asks for a ref and the bell. Instead we get Vince.

Vince says there won’t be a title match and Hunter says he knows he wanted Kenny to win last week and he’s sure the Squad gets together every night to pump each other full of the spirit. He says it’s a dumb move to replace a poser with a cheerleader. Cena shows his poses literally and Hunter says the best is the one when he is lying flat from being knocked out. Hunter tells Vince it is a proven formula that Hunter wins titles and makes lots of money. Vince tells him to shut up.

Hunter finally gets his championship match, but not tonight. But tonight he says Hunter has the night off and needs to leave. Vince says Hunter better not make him change his mind. However, Cena is in action tonight. He says the last he remembers he and Shawn were mixing it up with the Spirit Squad. So tonight it will be the Squad vs. Michaels and Cena. Vince tells him to do him the favor of leaving. Cena says Vince can do him the favor of kissing his ass. But instead Vince cuts his mic and starts the fatal four way match for the IC title.

RVD grabs a mic and says the way things went down with Joey Styles was a bunch of crap and he agrees with everything Joey said about Sports Entertainment. He gets an ECW chant. He says instead of hearing his name tonight he wants to hear ECW instead of RVD. This seems to be a mostly Sports Entertainment crowd unfortunately as the chants are weak. We got o commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t eat whoppers. but I’m ALL man!

WWE Unlimited: Everyone else comes to the ring, but Shelton.

Back to the show. Shelton gets an introduction on television after the bell rings for some reason. Let’s get it on!

Intercontinental Champion Rob Van Dam vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Masters vs. Charlie Haas (Fatal Four Way Intercontinental Title Match)

They pair off. Hass/Shelton and Masters/RVD. RVD is sent to the floor for a double team on Haas. Masters holds Haas for Shelton to kick his ass. Masters turns on Shelton to send him to the floor and attacks Haas himself as RVD comes in and comes off the top rope with a kick to the jaw on Masters. the ECW chants begin as Haas eats the step-over heel kick and so does Shelton. RVD has ran everyone off from the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Join the Revolution! Get packed Abs!

Back to the match. Masters hits a slow vertical suplex on Rob for one. Shelton rakes the eyes and attacks Masters. Hass tries to ping Shelton and gets a rollup on Masters for two. Shelton kicks out Masters’ knee with a dropkick and Rob follows with Rolling Thunder as Shelton tosses Charlie over the ropes. Shelton attacks Rob and choke shim out, dragging him into a back suplex for two. Haas opens on both and floors RVD with a dropkick before hitting a double arm suplex for two. Haas delivers sharp cracking kicks to the back on RVD then picks up another two. Masters is back in next, but Charlie send shim back over the ropes only to turn into a huge round kick from Shelton that knocks him out cold.

Rob breaks up the pin at two and reverses a power bomb into a sunset flip for two. Rob gets an inside cradle for another two and Shelton tries a backbreaker for his own two. Haas has to break up another pin at two and shoulder rams Benjamin in the corner before missing a running boot and being dropped with a Samoan drop. Shelton looks to be going for a slingshot off the apron, but Masters drags him off and clubs him with a clothesline. Haas gets put in the Masterlock when RVD comes off the top over him with a sunset flip for the pin.
Winner: RVD

Special Match "Fact": Rob supposedly has plans to use his title shot at One Night Stand.

Random Commercial Thought: The Great Kali! Without the Great....or even a The.

WWE Unlimited: Vince says he has an idea for "RDV" next week and has shaftalitis for Candice. Good God, I hate this man.

Back to the show. They talk about See no Evil and run a promo for it. Tard asks the cast about Kane on the set and how bad he was. The black guy says the opening date several times and gets choked out by Kane as the girls give the most horrible acting screams on the planet and run away.

Random Commercial Thought: My Satellite cut out so Gersh will fill in until it comes back.

The Gersh here. Cameron is searching for a signal so I am temporarily filling in.

Carlito is on his way out and I have to wonder if his hair is accounted for when his height is listed. Matt Striker follows and this one should be a doozy.

Carlito vs. Matt Striker (Apple Match)

Striker starts off with some punches and a chinlock. Striker whips Carlito to the corner but he comes back with some punches and clotheslines. Carlito then catches Striker with a springboard elbow from the second rope. Then Eugene comes out of nowhere to beat up on Striker which causes the ref to call for the bell.
Winner by DQ: Matt Striker

Carlito gives Striker a facebuster and then Eugene a back cracker. Think we have our Eugene Moment of the Night, both literally and figuratively.

We go to commercial.

WWE Unlimited: Sign time with Tard. A couple of huge "Cena Sucks" banners but nothing remotely creative. Typical California airheads.

Edge is on his way out with garbage can in hand and Lita is holding a baseball bat. Edge is on the microphone and compares Foley to the "California airheads". You stole my line asshole! Foley comes out with barbed wire bat in hand. He has a microphone and says the winner of tonight’s match could be considered the greatest hardcore wrestler alive today. But that couldn’t be done without ECW. So he makes it a Hardcore Triple Threat match and introduces Tommy Dreamer.

Edge (w/Lita) vs. Mick Foley vs. Tommy Dreamer (Triple Threat Hardcore Match)

Foley surprises Dreamer by hitting him in the back with the barbed wire bat then gives the bat to Edge and he hits Dreamer in the head. Dreamer is bleeding a ton and they drive the bat into his crotch. Foley takes out Mr. Socko and puts the mandible claw on Dreamer as Edge delivers a spear and pins for the win.
Winner: Umm, well they both pinned Dreamer so I guess Edge and Foley?

Unlimited: Maria and Trish are backstage. Trish says she will be watching Maria’s back tonight. Maria keeps saying "let’s do it!" referring to Trish’s shirt but I guarantee millions of men out there (and some women too) are wishing for something totally different.

Mickie is on her way out followed by Maria and her new emo theme.

Mickie James vs. Maria w/Trish (Masturbation Material Match)

It’s hard typing with one hand. Maria gets a quick rollup pin but only a two count. Mickie drives an elbow and then a knee into Maria’s side. Mickie then delivers the Mickie DDT (I think that’s the name of it, otherwise I just made it up). Trish comes in the ring to prevent Mickie from doing more damage and starts using her good arm to punch her. Mickie kicks her bad arm and as she is about to injure her worse a mystery blonde comes to the ring and attacks her. Cops go after her and handcuff her while Mickie escapes and as she walks up the ramp she is saying she ruined everything.

And I’m Back. Cameron with the rest of your night here.

Random Commercial Thought: I hate geckos. They smell funny....and they gave me cancer.

Back to the show with Estrada and TWO jobbers this time. Anyway, he introduces Umaga. (The Gersh says: This match should last about three minutes...did I just say THREE MINUTES?)

Umaga vs. Two Jobbers

It goes about how you might think it would, Umaga destroys them mercilessly and chokes one out in the corner before tossing him back over his head. They say the look on this one girl’s face is one of horror and they are right, horror that they crammed that much fat into those shorts. Umaga crushes the poor dude in the corner tree of woe with a running headbutt then retrieves the other from the outside to slam him into the wall. The boy eats the running ass charge then the spike for three.
Winner: Umaga

Special Match "Fact": JR says Umaga has no weaknesses (how would he know since he’s been "fired" all this time?) but his weakness is obviously nachos.

Random Commercial Thought: Commercials are the life blood of corporate America. burn them down and tear apart the establishment!

Back to the show. Kane is here and so is The big Show. And we are rolling straight into this match with Kane and his oddly twitching nose.

The Big Show vs. Kane

Show offers a handshake then we get a tie up. Kane goes to a waist lock...on the chest? Show switches it and uses a belly to back take down. They are up and tie up again, but Show uses a drop toe hold and goes to a front headlock in no time. It’s like a 500 lbs Kurt Angle! JR makes himself look like an idiot by having said there would be no actual wrestling and that’s ALL we’ve seen here so far. Kane and Show go into a test of strength knuckle lock with Kane bending strait backwards until her bends back and hits the back suplex. Big show FLIPS THROUGH an arm wrench, but Kane take shim down and picks up one on a cover. Kane gets a hammerlock and Show reverses into one of his own until Kane slowly reverses into another.

Show hits a drop toe hold and a float over. Show goes to the side headlock which is reversed into another hammerlock until Show crushes Kane into the corner to break it. Show whips Kane to the other corner and walks into a drop toe hold to slam himself in the turnbuckle. "Boring chant comes form a single man on the front row as Kane goes up top and the voices begin with creepy lighting. Kane grabs a chair from ringside and comes back in smash Show in the gut then the head.
Winner: Big Show

Special Match "Fact": JR hasn’t been back one week and he already made himself look like an ass. Way to go.

In the back the Squad is getting pumped for their match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Er...they keep trying to sell me stuff, but I don’t wanna buy it! Get out of my house!

Back to the show. The Squad is here to do a lame cheer before the match. Michaels is out next and JR tells the story of the Iron Man Match. Cena is out next and we get started with Michaels and Kenny.

Shawn Michaels & WWE Champion John Cena vs. World Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad (Five on Two Tag Team Handicap Match)

Kenny forces Michaels to the corner and shove shim confidently only to eat some chops. Michaels tags in Cena and he gets taken down with an arm drag and some quick wrestling. Cena counters a charge with a clothesline and starts clubbing Squad members as they charge into the ring. Michaels assists and Kenny gets dragged in, left alone. They both toss Kenny over the ropes and have cleared the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Karen’s lunch always sucked. I switched to stealing Tommy‘s.

Back to the match, Cena is crushing a squad member with clotheslines and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Johnny is scooped up into an FU, but a member break it up only to be crushes by Cena. Cena clears the apron, but turns into the Johnny-go-round for two. Johnny tags out with Cena in the corner and gets a beat down. Cena gets knocked out of the ring by a big right and the beat down begins on the outside with the ref distracted. The use the trampoline to hit a flying clothesline on the outside which is more like a reverse bulldog. Cena gets dragged away from Michaels as they continue to stomp him in the corner. Cena eats a flying clothesline for two.

Whichever member it is, he works a DEVASTATING rest hold until Cena fights free and misses a ridiculous looking cross body to be dragged back to the opposing corner. Cena eats right hands like candy corn, one at a time and with a bitter expression. Cena gets himself in a sleeper from Nicky. Cena is worked in the sleeper for a while until he tries to fight back out of it. Cena forces the arms off and uses rights to escape until a cheap shot to the back form Kenny send shim down. The whole Squad runs in and stomps on him for a second while the ref is turned around by Michaels.

Mikey gets two off a double team suplex. Mikey misses a top rope flip over senton to Cena allowing Cena to make the tag. Michaels is in and cleans house. Michaels lands some Sweet Chin Music but the Squad sneaks the belt in behind the ref to clock Michaels in the face with it and pick up the pin.
Winners: The Squad

Special Match "Fact": You COULD have been solving the equation toward the cure for cancer instead of watching this match.

Kenny then levels the ref for no reason and grabs his belt off his pants to whip Michaels with it. Hunter begins coming down the aisle as Cena is decimating the Spirit Squad. Hunter pedigrees Cena and leave shim leveled with a DX Suck It sign as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: A VERY surprising show of wrestling ability from Kane and Big Show. I was really disappointed the match had to have an Entertainment ending (despite not being entertaining in the least).

Lowlight of the Night: What the hell was this more of Vine/Candice RIGHT after they did an in ring bit about her being with Viscera now? All of a sudden she’s just with Vince to fuel our owner’s ego.

Eugene Award: Foley and Edge double team Tommy Dreamer. After EVERYTHING we went through last week, THIS is what we get? This was just fucking retarded. Pure and simple.

WWE RAW RANT: (05/15/06) By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the Greatest Show on Earth! That’s right, Ringling Bros. & Barnum and Bailey’s Circus!

Oh, wait, that’s the wrong show. Welcome to Raw. Eh, here it is. Watch it or something.

Raw 05.15.06

TONIGHT: Cena Vs. Hunter 8.0 in case you haven’t COMPLETELY stopped caring about these two yet, this ought to do it.

Speaking of which, that’s how we are opening Raw tonight as Hunter is out with his Game theme after theme, pyro and Lillian bring us in. As Hunter comes in and spews his Geyser O Spit, we get a replay of Hunter giving Cena a pedigree after the match last week. Lillian goes to introduce Cena and as she does, Vince’s theme plays instead. Vince says he’s got good news and he’s changing tonight’s main event for the better. Many people are expecting the championship to be up for grabs momentarily and we are right, but that’s not all. Not only will it be up for grabs but so will the IC title. Both will be defended at the same time when RVD joins forces with Cena against Hunter, Shelton and Chris Masters. IT will also be a Texas Tornado Match. And that match starts now.

This is so Dusty it makes me want to kill a stripper. Cena is out next and he and Hunter start the match early.

WWE Champion John Cena & Intercontinental Champion Rob Van Dam vs. Shelton Benjamin, Chris Masters & Triple H (Handicap Texas Tornado World/Intercontinental Title Match AKA: This match name is too damn long!)

Cena and Hunter brawl with Cena winning until Masters and Shelton run in. RVD runs in for the save as the sound fucks up. Masters holds RVD for a beatdown by Shelton and Cena gets sent to the outside to be slammed into the announce table. Masters powerslam RVD back in the ring and Cena and Hunter are still brawling. RVD eats turnbuckle and Cena eats stairs. Hopefully Hunter won’t eat anything and will finally go on that diet. Cena regains the advantage by slamming Hunter into the stairs as RVD counter Masters, sending him over the rope. Benjamin takes a headscissors and rolls to the floor. RVD comes flying over the ropes onto Masters and Cena for some reason, kicking Cena in the head awkwardly it appears as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Omen will be coming your way on 6/6/6. Be there...or be slaughtered by the Angel of Holy Wrath!

Back to the match. Cena is reversed into a spinebuster by Hunter for two. Nobody, including the announcers, is really sure how the titles can be changed here. Cena rallies to decent pops with his trademark offense and picks up two until Cena is dumped to the floor by Triple H pulling the ropes down. RVD eats some stairs (High in Iron!) as Cena slams Hunter into the security wall. Shelton takes on Cena and hits the Dragon whip which sends Cena over the wall. Masters is beating RVD down in the ring.

Masterpiece pulls a Hogan leg drop and works RVD down as Shelton and Hunter join him in the ring. RVD takes a running knee lift as Hunter seems to be taking a time out in the corner. Masters hits a vertical suplex while the other two just watch. Masters trades out for Hunter to knee drop Rob in the head. Shelton clocks Hunter and gets two when Hunter pulls him off. Shelton and Hunter get into a fight as Masters just shrugs and puts RVD in the MASTERfull Nelson behinds their back. They both see this and look at each other for a moment before attacking him as well. Shelton and Masters start arguing as RVD rallies on Hunter then takes down all three men, finishing on Hunter with the step over heel kick. Masters gets dropkicked from the ring.

Rob scoop slams Shelton into position for the Five Star, but Hunter shoves him off. Cena is finally back and cleans house with clotheslines, almost tripping himself. Masters takes the Fisherman suplex, Hunter takes the vertical suplex and Shelton eats the Protobomb (That JR calls a suplex) and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena gets cheap shot from Hunter, but dumps Hunter. Shelton attacks Cena, but Cena drop toe holds into the STFU. Masters breaks it up and Shelton eats a Five Star instead. Hunter comes in and Pedigrees RVD and Masters takes an FU. Hunter Pedigrees Cena as Shelton covers RVD. The ref counts Shelton’s pin for the IC title and HHH thinks he has won the World Title, but of course he has not.
Winner: Shelton

Special Match "Fact": Webster’s plans to update with a definition of "Clusterfuck" featuring a picture of this match.

Hunter gets pissed when Cioda explains to him what happened, so he delivers a pedigree to the ref and leaves as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Father Burgers are assholes. I now know this thanks to commercials.

WWE Unlimited: Hunter refuses to comment about his match.

Back to the show where if you are the boss’ son in law, you can have as many Title shots as you want! We find out that Shawn Michaels will wrestle Kenny with the Squad banned from ringside and we’ll have a special referee for that match before Trish comes out. Trish says she and Mickie have unfinished business, but it isn’t about a match or the title, it’s about them and they will settle it right now. She says "Let’s do it" and now I have to get the lotion...Mickie’s exploding out of her top and Trish avoids a shot from Mickie when that random blonde chick shows up again and beats Mickie down. She’s got big tits though. Her name is Beth according to Trish. Trish says she isn’t the only one who got screwed over by Mickie before giving Beth the mic. Beth says Mickie will not get away with what she did to her and calls her a psycho. They run a video montage of Kane’s premier. First person shown? Triple H. Funny things here: SHOW IS WEARING A SUIT AND GLASSES. Also Kane came in his RING ATTIRE and was surprisingly non psychopathic about his movie coming out on May 19th. *is beaten and lit on fire.*

Random Commercial Thought: Hollow Man 2! Coming to DVD in a store near you on a day you don’t care about!

Back to the show. Hunter is kicking his locker room’s ass when Shane comes in. Shane says Vince asked him to ask for a favor. He says Vince still technically held up his end of the bargain and wants Hunter to be, Hunter cuts him off. He thinks Shane wants him to be the special ref, but actually, Shane is. Hunter is just supposed to be in Kenny’s corner. In a match featuring Shawn Michaels....while they’ve been teasing the DX reunion...Hmmm....

The Spirit Squad is out and they do a cheer about Snitsky and Goldust challenging them for the titles after the break. In it, they have to count on their fingers how many weeks it has been before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Psoriasis is nasty. But why do they always show good looking women in the commercials for it?

WWE Unlimited: Snitsky gives himself a foot rub as a warm up.

Back to the show. The star of the Dead Zone (A Television show based off of a movie which is based off of a book by Steven King.) is here. Goldust is out next with Snitsky giving him a shoulder rub.

Goldust & Gene Snitsky (Fab Freakie)vs. The Spirit Squad (Freaky Fags?) (Tag Team Title Match)

Johnny and Snitsky begin, Snitsky catches Johnny hard and blocks an arm toss, countering with one of his own. Johnny goes down for two (kinky!) and Goldust tags in. Goldust hits the ass shot of doom and forces Johnny to make a tag to Nicky. Nicky’s arm gets wrench and leg dropped on. Goldust continues to work the arm bar. Goldust takes a cheap shot tot he rib on the rope, but hits the drop down uppercut and the inverted atomic drop in return. The Squad trips Goldust up from the outside to allow Goldust to be beaten down. Nicky distracts the ref after tossing Goldust out for a Squad beatdown. Nicky picks up two.

Goldust has to work his way free of a front headlock and is about to tag Snitsky when he gets pulled off the apron. Nicky slams Goldust back to the mat for two. Goldust fights out of the Squad corner with retarded looking punches, but doesn’t make it entirely out . Whichever Squad member is fighting him now hits a reverse elbow for two and goes back to the headlock. Johnny gets another near fall and they double team Goldust in the corner with Nicky tagging in. Goldust counter Nicky into a pin, picking up two, but hits a huge powerslam to shut down the offense. Both men crawl for the tag. Goldust has to kicks a Squad member off his leg, but makes the tag.

Gene cleans how and gets his eyes raked. Johnny and Nicky double team, but eat a powerful double clothesline as the crowd is really behind Snitsky. Nicky takes a huge side slam for two when Johnny run in. Johnny distracts the ref for another member to leaps from the trampoline, OVER the ropes and into a bulldog on Snitsky. They place Nicky on Gene for the ref to turn and count the three.
Winners: The Spirit Squad

Special Match "Fact": The Spirit Squad one year from now will be known as the Job Squad.

Foley is on his way to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I wonder if anyone bothered to remember that The Omen sucked the first time they did it.

Back to the show. They run what happened to Tommy Dreamer last week. The pop isn’t existent for Foley anymore, poor guy. He says he’s here to ask what everyone is asking: "Why was he hanging out with Lita at Kane’s movie premiere?" Which is a damn good question. He moves on to the other question of why he bashed Tommy's head in last week. He said he could offer excuses like it was a shot to the head. He said we deserve more than excuses, we deserve apologies. He wants to say two big words, I’m sorry. He says he wanted to say he was sorry to Tommy in person but he had adverse reactions to a barbed wire bat to the genitalia. Instead he’s bringing out the man who was hardcore before there even was hardcore, we get Terry Funk.

They play something you usually only see on TNA: Road Dogg and Billy Gunn in tag team action. It was their match against Foley and Funk for the tag titles. Terry says he knows why Mick humiliated Dreamer. He then asks why. Wait, he said he knows! Terry appears to be either drunk or stricken with Alzheimer's. Foley says the reason is he and Edge made history and had the greatest hardcore match ever. Foley says he won’t let some second rate ECW scumbags come into his house and portray Hardcore as if they are the best. He says the three things he will protect with his life are the honor of his wife, the honor of his children and the honor of his hardcore legend. Terry says Mick is ECW and ECW is Family. He says he is family, and he taught him and they’ve broken each other’s noses. He goes on in a monotone voice that makes me want to club him with the nearest blunt object. Terry calls him a son. They hug all gay and Mick says that this is the first time they have stood together in a WWE since 1998 ad it wasn’t supposed to be that way.

In 2003, Mick was honored in a Hardcore ceremony and Stone Cold handed him the Hardcore belt. He asked where Terry was he was at the Double Cross in Amarillo. And the reason was Terry wanted too much money to be there. Mick says that broke his heart. Terry says Mick is still like a son to him and to listen to him when Mick tells him to shut the hell up. Mick says these are his WWE fans. He says he’s waiting for the phone call that says the Funker is gone but it will take a hell of a lot of money to get him there to a piece of crap like West Texas. Terry tells him to watch his mouth. Mick says it won’t cost anything to get him to spit on Terry’s grave.

The crowd rallies for Terry’s horrible "Cue Cardish" comebacks. Terry tells him to take hi best shot several times and bitch slaps him. Foley goes to leave and Terry says that if he had a head like Mick’s he’d have it circumcised. Foley stops, then tries to leave again. Terry calls his wife a whore and his kids are bastards. Foley goes to leave anyway, then Terry says the WWE sucks and Foley decks him. Mick brawls and beats Terry down until Funk comes back with the weakest fucking jabs I’ve ever seen. This was like Raven TNA chair shot bad.

Edge comes in and goes down as well. Funk shows off ridiculously until Lita low blows him and Foley hold shim for a shot from Edge with the barbed wire bat. They pretty much destroy him for a bit and that’s that. Foley gets to kiss Lita’s hand again as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Hit me with your best shot...then I’ll just use a cheat code.

Back to the show. Striker is hear and was going to lecture us about how immigration ruins the economy. Striker basically runs down intelligence of the country to "you suck" chants until Eugene is on his way for this match.

Matt Striker vs. Eugene

Striker starts us off beating Eugene around and creaming him in the corner before hitting a running boot to the jaw while he’s sitting on the ground. Matt works an odd headlock and takes a shot to the midsection from Eugene. Matt gets pissed and clocks him with a knee before hitting mounted punches. Eugene goes Hogan and Tards up before hitting an airplane spin. He tries for a Stunner, but Striker counter only to be sent down for the Hogan taunt and leg drop. Striker kicks out at two. Eugene goes for the Rock Bottom and Striker counters, hitting some freaky neckbreaker for the win. I’ll call it the Class Reunion until something funny strikes me.
Winner: Matt Striker

Special Match "Fact": Stay in school! Cause Knowledge is Power!

After the match, they run a History of Kane montage. Kattie is mysteriously absent as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I was somewhere else. Probably your mom’s.

Back to the show. They replay the beginning of the show. Maria interviews Carlito who liked Eugene until he messed with his match. Maria likes his shirt and asks which he does, spit or swallow? He asks her the same question back and she says, "When I eat an apple?" He says "uh yeah..." To which she says she swallows. And that is cool. We go to the back with Vince and his latest Poon in Candice as Hunter comes in. He says he gave Triple H what he wanted and now it’s time for him to get what he wants. He has a present for Hunter, it’s Sledgie and he wants HHH to bash Michaels’ head in tonight. The Game says nothing and takes the hammer before off we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are just the Islands.

WWE Unlimited: JBL calls Vince. Apparently he will be on Smackdown.

Back to the show. Estrada is here and he calls Texas "Tehahs" in the classic Spanish fashion while introducing the local boy. Umaga is of course out next.

Umaga w/ Estrada vs. Random Guy

Umaga does a his usual thing of destroying the guy. Yadda yadda. insert any of my other recaps of these matches here and you’ve got it.

Winner: Umaga

Special Match "Fact": What happened? I blinked and missed it.

After the ‘Match’ We gets replay of Khali annihilating Rey. In the back, The Squad swarms Shane in a VERY queer almost gang-bangesque sequence of cheering before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Oxy Chill Factor can fix your acne but not that shitty hairdo you chose.

Back to the show. They rerun the See No Evil Premiere video package. I don’t believe that fat bastard had a girlfriend, he was bullshitting. Shane plays out. Kenny is out next and Hunter is played out with King of Kings as we go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: Uh...did we really NEED Sea-doofilms.com?

Back to the show. As HBK comes in JR says it may take BUDDY FUCKING HOLLY and the returns of everyone else at Texas Tech to save him.

Shawn Michaels vs. Kenny w/ Triple H (Special Referee Shane McMahon)

Kenny gets sent to the floor early and Michaels chases Shane through and around the ring, Shane gathers with Hunter and Kenny on the outside. HHH says nothing. Michaels fights off both Shane and Kenny then works Kenny in the corner with Shane looking on and cringing. Shane pulls Michaels off of him, so Kenny gets the shot in to take him down. Shane calls Kenny on hitting too much with closed fists for some reason. Kenny takes a chop, but whips Michaels to the corner harder, flipping him over it and to the floor. HHH stalks Michaels on the floor with the sledge hammer, but Kenny comes form behind on Michaels. Michaels catches him with a chop and throws Kenny in for the flying elbow only for Shane to throw him off.

Kenny hits a DDT for a quick two count. Kenny plants Michaels against for another quick two. Kenny keeps snapping Michaels with a belt and gets two, then chokes him with it. Kenny holds up Michaels and Shane calls Hunter to come and get him, but HHH walks slowly. Michaels breaks loose and unleashes on Michaels, hitting the flying forearm and nip up. Michaels hits the inverted atomic drop then clothesline and grabs the belt to whip Shane with it.

Shane runs like a girl up the ramp as Michaels goes up top for the elbow drop. Hunter just looks on and Michaels tunes up the band in the corner. HBK comes out with the Sweet Chin Music then Shane attacks from behind. Shane assaults with knees to the gut and two inverted backbreakers. Shane tells Hunter to get in the ring and here he comes. JR builds it up way overdramatically with Shawn being held by Shane by the neck for Hunter to come over and say he wants HBK to see this coming. Then he clubs Shane with it of course. Shane falls like he has broken legs.
Winner: No Contest

Special Match "Fact": If you didn’t see his coming you’re a moron.

Vince runs to Shane’s side and calls for the trainers to do something. hunter backs his way down the aisle as Vince cradles Shane and cries like a fucking pansy. He looks up the aisle at Hunter who says he is sorry because Michaels moved and it was an accident. Vince looks pissed, then cries into Shane’s shoulder in the single gayest moment I’ve seen all night, and that is saying a lot. That’s how it ends too. Nothing more.

Highlight of the Night: There really wasn’t anything good. Seriously. Tonight sucked.

Lowlight of the Night: Where to begin? I’d have to say the fact that We are dragging ECW through the mud in basically yet another attempt to get us to accept Edge as something we should care about.

Eugene Award: Vince cries for Shane! Good GOD how gay was that for a man who was boning a Playboy cover girl to suddenly be crying like a little girl over something that happens to him ALL THE TIME.

That’s all she wrote. This Friday is my birthday of course, so send me something. An e-mail...money...women....in fact, forget the e-mails. Send me money and women.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (05/22/06) By Cameron Burge

So here we are again. Another Monday night and I ain’t got nobody. I’ve got some money cause I just got paid. Oh how I wish I had some chick to talk to...Oh wait, that’s a song.

Let’s try that again. Welcome back to the Best Damn Raw Rant Period. Where we are changing the message not the matches. One card at a time. Thanks to everyone for wishing me a happy birthday this Friday. I went to see The DaVinci Code and See No Evil. If you like to see eyes graphically scooped out and Vegetarians fed to wild dogs, then See No Evil is for you.

Raw 05.22.06

If it were possible to make it make you more tired of the Spirit Squad than you were already then you are in luck. Tonight we will see Shawn Michaels vs. The Entire Spirit Squad....huzzah...

Show opens with a recap of last week. Vince gives a message about what happened to Shane, saying he got a mild concussion. He’s sure it was an accident, but wants a public apology from Hunter and anything but a sincere apology will be dealt with swift vengeful retaliation. Theme and pyro lead us into the show proper.

Cena’s opponent for tonight is revealed to be Chris Masters before we go to ringside with a covered object in the ring and Foley is on his way to the ring. Foley has a suit on and gets a Foley chant. He thanks the crowd for the continued support and wants to set the record straight. He says he isn’t a bad guy and it is okay to cheer him. Boos are not necessary. He tells us to look at his adorable smile. AH GOD MY EYES! He says he is the guy who says it is good to be here in Las Vegas (big cheers) but it really isn’t. (big boos) He says he has a problem with millions of people showing up in a city with the hope to change their lives with the spin of a wheel. It’s better to earn your success because he didn't become 3 time WWE champion by rolling seven and 2 time bestseller by putting a quarter in the Slingo machine. He says his guest tonight earned his undefeated Mania streak and most viewed champion of the last five years. Edge.

Foley says holy crap to Lita’s outfit. He says Edge embodies Hardcore not the slime of ECW. He presents Edge with the object under the sheet and its the Hardcore belt that was presented to him. Apparently in the JR universe Barry Bonds was named Bobby as he rambles on. Edge says Foley forgot to mention the most important thing: he’s got the hottest girl in Vegas going home with him. Edge gives the belt back because he thinks Foley deserves it. Foley says since they each think they deserve the title they should have a rematch tonight. Edge asks if we want to see it and he has an even better idea. He whispers to Lillian who announces them both Hardcore champion as co-holders, but Paul Heyman (apparently dressed as the world’s fattest Neo) plays in while they celebrate.

The ECW chants are huge now. Heyman talks about Lita being live prostitution and starts a "ho" chant. Heyman says he wasn’t talking to Lita it was Foley. He says Foley is a legend who gave his blood sweat and tears (and ‘other’ bodily fluids) who is now prostituting himself away to Edge and Lita.

Foley talks about what he sees in himself now is a best selling author, WWE superstar and so on. He says Heyman has nothing left. He’s not the GM of Smackdown and doesn’t own his own company. Foley tells Heyman to go back to wherever he came from. Heyman tells the crowd not to boo him, because he’s right, but he does have power to make a challenge. He says there’s this little thing called ECW One Night Stand. His suggestion is that the co-holders of Hardcore Title should go up against any two ECW Superstars. Foley refuses and Heyman says only Lita has any nuts in the ring. Edge and Foley rush him, but Heyman calls out their One Night Stand opponents, Dreamer and Funk. Dreamer brings a trash can lid and a Shinai. Foley eats stairs and Edge eats Dreamer’s weapons as they make their escape through the crowd. Dreamer and Funk celebrate in the ring and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: You can’t race in Tokyo, there’s no room.

Back to the show where they announce THE DIVA SEARCH again. GOD HELP US! AAAAH!

RVD is here to face Shelton for the IC title. Shelton’s been going through my shirts again.

Rob Van Dam vs. Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin (Intercontinental Title Match)

Collar and elbow tie up go to a shoulderblock by RVD. Rob dodges a leapfrog and scoops Shelton into a pin for two. Rob gets a float over for another two. Shelton hits a reverse elbow to gain the advantage. Shelton eats a step over heel kick, but rolls out before Rob can finish Rolling Thunder as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Lesson one- always have the other guy reach into the acid for the starburst.

Back to the match. Rob is in the dreaded chin lock of doom. RVD reverses into a roll up for two and another for another two. Shelton counters with a neckbreaker for two of his own as JR calls it a Fabled Three Count because we have obviously never seen one, thus making it fictitious? Shelton tries a body scissors, but Rob fights out and gets slammed back down by his hair and back into a chin lock. Rob unleashes on Shelton with a huge martial arts kick and a moonsault for a close two. Shelton takes Rolling Thunder shortly thereafter for another aggravatingly close two count. The crowd is really into this, but come on people, he’s not winning. Shelton misses forearms shot that Rob counter with a spinning kick, Shelton ducks the kick into a Samoan Drop that lands Rob right on the referees legs. (I have no legs! *ching ching*). Shelton goes to grab the belt while the ref is down, but Rob hits the Van Daminator on it. The ref DQs him for it.
Winner: Shelton

Special Match "Fact": Rob obviously forgot to activate his Hunter-field which negates all attempts to be Disqualified.

Rob looks pissed so he hits a Five Star on Shelton afterward. In the back, Vince is talking to ZZ Top when Candice comes by. He leaves her with them as he goes to the ring for his public apology. They like her pearl necklace (zing) as we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Cancer codeword: NWO....what?

Back to the show, they replay the recap footage of Hunter clocking Shane. Vince is out saying there damn well will be a public apology tonight. Triple H comes out to his King of Kings theme and he looks ever so happy to be here. Vince goes on about how Shawn is in a living hell and if he doesn't get his apology the retaliation will be coming. Vince asks for two words...oh God. hunter says that works out great because he has two words for him. I’m sorry. HA! The crowd boos the crap out of that. He says the only condition to accept the apology is for him to crush Michaels’ skull with the hammer tonight instead. He asks if they understand each other and they shake on it, but Hunter doesn’t let go. Hunter says they definitely have an understanding as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Vince already stole Nacho Libre’s gimmick.

Back to the show, they run the See no Evil video package. Kane says May 19th is the day his family died in a fire, but it’s over now and he has a new movie out where he gets to kill lots of people and a match tonight so he can inflict pain and suffering on his opponent and he’s never been happier. That’s it. Seriously. Chris Masters is on his way to the ring...still on his way....still.....yep still waiting.


Sigh, he’s still walking. They pimp One Night Stand during the entrance with Heyman’s voice and King gets pissed. JR tells him to show up and do something about it, but King says he would only show up to kick someone’s butt. The crowd is big for Cena right now it seems. JR says Cena is hotter than donut grease (the FUCK?!).

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Chris Masters

Cena and Masters tie up with Masters being forced to the corner only to cheap shot his way out. Cena hits a reverse elbow and elbow drops for two. Masters blocks a back body drop, but Cena counters with an FU attempt. Masters escapes and clubs him with a clothesline. Cena rolls to the outside. Cena gets tossed back in and Masters signals for the MASTERfull Nelson. Cena tries to block it and forces the arm almost off. Cena finally prevents the hold by throwing them both through the ropes and to the floor and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Numb is considered by most to be the best Linkin Park song....they are full of crap.

Back to the match. Cena is unleashes his usual offense and puts Masters in the STFU in the center of the ring. He taps out. That’s it, less than a minute of footage after the commercial.
Winner: Cena

Special Match "Fact": A fan in the crowd sported a sign reading: "I’ve Cena Nough."

Cena is celebrating when RVD’s music hits. Rob comes to the ring and stares Cena down, holding the briefcase and grabbing a mic. Rob tells him to savor the time he has with the title while he explains something. He says he has a shot at the championship which was something not easy to come by and the only way it came about was because he forced it to by winning the MITB match and he would never have been awarded a title shot without it. He says he won’t waste the opportunity to use it here where he’ll get screwed out of his title and wants the match to take place somewhere where he’s a lot more comfortable and the condition work well in his favor. He’s cashing in at One Night Stand. Rob tosses the briefcase aside and they brawl with Cena finally getting clocked by a Van Daminator with the case. King puts over how HORRIBLE ECW is and how Rob shouldn’t be allowed to cash in there. JR keeps trying to explain to him as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I was doing other stuff. Like your girlfriend for one.

Back to the show. King says he loves Eminem as we go to Carlito and Maria talking about cheating at cards. Carlito pulls a card out of his hair. They run into Snitsky who is in dress shirt and pants saying he is hooking up with a Las Vegas show girl. Maria says she sees her and we see a show girl from behind. Snitsky approaches her, rubbing her feet and saying they could go see Kane’s new movie because he "Once killed his unborn fetus." Camera pans up to of course reveal Goldust. Goldust asks what Gene was doing to which he replies "Rubbing your feet." Because he says he likes to do that. Carlito says what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. We go to elsewhere where Shawn confronts Hunter over apologizing to Vince. They yell at each other over it for a bit as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Who the hell did that poor man’s hair?

Back to the show where Trevor Murdoch is in the ring talking shit and Kane arrives.

Trevor Murdoch vs. Kane

The match starts and Kane decks Murdoch with a big boot then crushes him in the corners. Trevor thumbs the eye and goes for the knee. Trevor comes off the ropes, but right into a chokeslam for three.
Winner: Kane

Special Match "Fact": Kane’s mask originally came with two color schemes on WWF no Mercy with the red and the black reversed.

Kane goes to leave and turns around to chokeslam him again before strolling out...but wait! The crowd chants One more time! So here we go again. Kane raises the fire. Taker’s voice comes over the speakers as the flaming mask appears to wipe the smile off Kane’s face. It says May 19th was only the beginning and it will never be over as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Where’s the beef?

Back to the show. This week in Wrestling History is The emergence of Scott Hall in WCW. Torrie Wilson is out to face Mickie James.

Torrie Wilson w/ pointless dog & w/o a chance in hell vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James w/ Issues (Non-title Match)

We get a pretty good ass shot of Torrie at least before they tie up and Torrie goes to town, trying to do the world’s dumbest headlock to Mickie. Torrie leaps over Mickie in the corner for a two count off a cradle. Torrie hits a drop kick and swinging neckbreaker for another two. Mickie regains the advantage and slaps Torrie around literally before hitting the big DDT, but it just looks like Torrie forgot to let her do the big jump part before the impact so it looks bad. Mickie gets the three.
Winner: Mickie

Special Match "Fact": The first Double D DDT was supposed to be when Candice and Torrie did a double DDT to Ashley, but King likes that joke...a lot.

Trish comes out. Mickie starts screaming at her, but Trish says Beth can now legally beat Mickie up as a Raw Superstar. She attacks from behind to takes Mickie down to the floor. Mickie escapes through the crowd with Beth chasing. They pimp our main event as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Motorhead are legends of music like Plan 9 From Outer Space is a legend of the big screen.

Back to the show. Viscera is in the ring. He says he has some big news. He looks and Lillian and says they have had their problems in the past and he has come to realize it is time to settle down. He asks if she’ll bring her sexy body in the ring or if he has to come get her. I’m digging Lil’s outfit. Viscera sounds like he’s wacking himself off as she gets in the ring. He says the last time they were in Las Vegas, she cut shim off to tell him last time she was dumped for the Godfather’s hos. He says there is something her wants to give her and pulls out a cheeseburger. He says if she’ll go with him to one of the all night chapels he won’t have to eat the cheeseburger everyday, he can come home to her lovin’ and home cooked food. He says he is 500 lbs of loving, hungry and horny. JR tells her to run for her life. He finally pops the question. JR says he got married here and it worked for him.

Instead of Lillian answering, we get Armando Allejandro Estrada. He congratulates the happy couple. He says he is sure their future children will give a lot of people a lot of nightmares. He says tonight Viscera has a big problem and may be hungry for action, but unfortunately for him so is the "Samoan Bulldozer". Nope, they aren’t trying to be Samoa Joe at all.... Viscera and Umaga brawl outside with Viscera slamming Umaga into the ring. Umaga throws him off and Viscera body crushes him against the ring. Umaga whips Viscera into the ring post. Umaga opens up on Viscera and slide shim into the ring for the running headbutt. Umaga comes off on Viscera with a flying shoulderblock to the outside. Viscera drags himself up and eats the Samoan Spike. They interview WWE Superstars about what they thought of See No Evil.

In the back, The Spirit Squad is feeling good as they run into Hunter. They say Vince told them to tell him that his job is to wait right there until they give him the signal to come out and club HBK. They go for an all hands in for an End of HBK cheer, but Hunter just stares at them until they leave and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Boom- the song that EVERY move and its dog has used at least once.

Back to the show. The Squad arrives saying HBK is scared of them as it takes a bit for his theme to play. Sean comes equipped with a chair and looks pissed. Vince interrupts the theme as Shawn chases the Squad away. Vince relieves the referee of his duties and has him take the chair with him. he then tells the Squad to get him.

The Squad mobs Shawn and stomps him down. This looks more like a gang rape. Shawn takes some highs spirits and at least gets some Owen air off it. They leave the now prone Michaels on the ground to take turns. JR lists the members and apparently Nike, Goofy and Dopey are all Squad members. They keeps holding Shawn down for leg drops and knee drops and elbow drops...and gum drops? Really boring beatdown here actually. Yawn. Eventually they acquire a chair, and Michaels kicks it back into his nuts. Shawn throws the Squad members off and starts tossing them over the ropes then grabs the chair. Michaels starts clubbing members with chairs and scoop slams Mikey. Shawn goes up top and hits the elbow. Vince looks pissed as Shawn tunes up the band. Mikey wanders up for Sweet Chin Music and starts kicking other members until Nicky uses the chair to crack Michaels in the knee as he tires to kick another member. They start attacking his knee.

JR also sees two Shawn’s in the ring apparently because he says it is 5 on 2. The crowd begins a huge Triple H chant while the Squad continues to beat the knee to pulp. It’s the single largest Triple H chant I’ve ever heard and it only took five gay men to get it. They sandwich Michaels’ leg knee in the chair and hit the flying leg drop on it before Vince calls out Hunter and Sledgie. Hunter gets in the ring and looks around before the Squad holds Michaels in place in the corner. "DX" chants begin until Kenny yanks Hunter’s sledgehammer away. Hunter steps in front of Kenny’s attempt to hit Shawn. and when he tries to charge anyway, hits a spine buster. Hunter unleashes on the Squad with clotheslines a neckbreaker and another spinebuster. He finishes with a Pedigree after tearing off his shirt. Hunter and Vince stare down as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Heyman announces One Night Stand in an awesome promo.

Lowlight of the Night: We had to sit through another beatdown of Shawn Michaels yet again and even more DX teasing. Remember when the NWO used to do a beatdown on someone every single week and fans stopped caring? Yeah....

Eugene Award: RVD fails to regain the intercontinental title do to a DQ on something that has never caused a DQ before? Lame.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

WWE RAW RANT: (05/29/06) By Cameron Burge

Happy Memorial Day! That’s right, happy day for looking at the tombstones of your dead relatives that all probably died in horrifically horrible ways, but still went peacefully compared to how your miserable life will end.

Cheered up yet? Let’s go!

Raw 05.29.06

Tonight: The Raw GM issue suddenly reappears as existing! And Hunter steals Shawn’s gimmick by wrestling the Spirit Squad.

Show opens with a Troops tribute. Vince comes out as we here Foley and Heyman will have a face off tonight. Vince replays the footage of Hunter knocking out Shane. He tells us Shane is feeling better, but his jubilance tonight is because Shawn Michaels is no more and was taken out last week by the Spirit Squad. Then they run last week’s footage. Vince talks to Shawn at home as having to go under the knife and then says something felt off about last week. He replays the footage of Hunter beating the Squad down. Vince instead says Hunter will face the Spirit Squad tonight in the form of Kenny and he is announcing our new GM tonight. He says no one he has interviewed has lived up to his standards. So he can’t. Instead he’s hired a new Executive Assistant, The Coach. The crowd shits on this like a brand new toilet.

Coach announces a new match in Cena being in action against someone he’s never wrestled before, but we won’t be told who it is. He says we all know RVD will face him at ONS, but Vengeance is in four weeks and tonight there will be a number one contender’s match between two former champions. Edge against Big Show. Shelton will be wrestling Kane for the IC title. Coach sincerely thanks Vince for the incredible opportunity as we all continue to now care. The IC match is next and Kane is out. Shelton follows suit. Shelton walks into the ring and into an uppercut.

Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. Kane (Intercontinental Title Match)

Shelton escapes a suplex and hits a right but it does nothing. Instead he gets clotheslined. Shelton just keeps bouncing off and gets booted right out of the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Slushies give psychic powers!

Back to the match, Kane’s in the evil reverse chin lock of doom. Kane ate ring post during the break. Kane finally forces his way free and opens on Benjamin with rights and clotheslines into the big side walk slam. Kane goes up top and hits the flying clothesline before signaling the chokeslam. Benji walks into the chokes hold and reverses the slam with a rollup and uses the ropes but gets only two. Kane counters the spinning heel kick and scoops Shelton up, but Benjamin counters with a huge DDT. Kane takes the stinger splash in the corner, but catches Shelton from the second one with a chokeslam. The voice and flaming mask start with the OLD Kane theme and....Kane comes out? This Masked Kane has the most retarded hair you’ve ever seen. He and cueball Kane face off until Cueball takes a chokeslam.
Winner: No Contest.

Special Match "Fact": If you angle Kane’s head just right, you can reflect lasers.

The false Kane summons fire and backflips out of the ring like Kane as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Da Vinci Code the Game? Now you too can have greasy hair!

Back to the show. They play "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" for the ECW commercial short, which my friend Josh did point out is the single most used song for movies ever, right up there with Boom which until now seemed to have taken it’s place. They replay what happened with Kane 1 and Kane 2. JR says he has no idea what that was. We go from there to Coach asking Carlito if he has no idea where Hunter is. Nobody has any idea about anything. Coach asks Estrada, who just tells him his name and says if McMahon needs anything, he’s the hombre to ask. He says right now he needs to find Triple H and Estrada and gets grabbed by Viscera. Viscera ass-rapes him a la Hiedenriech as Viscera says he’s getting revenge this week.

Triple H walks into Vince’s office (There he is, Coach! You moron.) and Hunter asks if they have a problem. Hunter is talking about whether or not he is mad. Vince changes the match into a Lumberjack match of sorts, except making it a Spirit Jack match so Hunter can get all the members of the Squad. Hunter says he’ll destroy Kenny and if the rest of the Spirit Jack-offs get involved, he’ll bring a friend (sledgie).

Random Commercial Thought: My sister didn’t sleep with the entire offensive line. In fact, I’m sure she might scare them away with her very presence!

Back to the show. They pimp the card before Viscera works it on down the aisle. Umaga comes running (trotting) from behind. He nails Viscera and annihilates him by driving him right into the ramp. Umaga hits a Karate thrust that send something white flying into the air and I hope it’s spit (but with Viscera you never know). Umaga rolls Viscera into the ring as Lillian looks on in horror.

Umaga w/ Estrada vs. Viscera

The Match finally starts and Viscera takes the big Splash and a Samoan Spike for the loss.
Winner: Umaga

Special Match "Fact": What match?

Lillian announces Umaga and mouths that it wasn’t fair. We run a See no Evil special and then see Torrie, Beth and Trish gathering in the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: ECW one Night Stand! but forget about that watch Vengeance....we want your money!

Back to the show. Beth and Torrie are on their way out with Trish. Victoria and Candice are their opponents.

Beth Pheonix & Torrie Wilson w/ Trish Stratus and Pupper vs. Victoria & Candice Michelle w/ Women’s Champion Mickie James

Beth starts with Victoria. Victoria bitch slaps Beth and Beth fights back, unleashing on Victoria and hitting a side walk slam for two. Torrie and Beth double team after the tag with double arm wrenches. Torrie sends Victoria down in the corner and gives herself a wedgie for a stink face on Victoria. Candice runs in as a distraction for Victoria to pulls Torrie down by her hair. Candice tags in and the two women work Torrie down with a Go Daddy Dance into an elbow for two. Beth begs for a tag retardedly as Candice sets Victoria up to hits a flip over Leg drop from the apron to Torrie. Torrie rolls out of the way and both women make the tag.

Beth levels Candice and hits a gut wrench suplex. Victoria and Mickie are disposed on the outside as Beth lands a Juvi Driver for three.
Winners: Beth & Torrie

Special Match "Fact": Women’s wrestling is an illusion. The Championship doubly so.

Cena is on his way to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Where are my socks?!

Back to the show. They rerun the tribute. In case you forgot (or didn’t care the first time). We come back to King trash talking ECW. King trashes Taz saying he used to be tough and the human suplex machine. He says he’s a joke-cracking Lawler wannabe. He says all ECW is, is a bunch of wannabes. RVD interrupts him. RVD is getting on the mic, talking down King. Johnny Nitro and Melina come out to face Cena of all people. At least I get to see Melina. The crowd is hot for Cena again.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Johnny Nitro w/ Melina

Nitro faces off and trash talks, earning himself a big right. Nitro dodges a corner charge, hitting a springboard dropkick as a woman gives a LONG drawn out high pitched screams. Nitro gets the advantage and pummels Cena in the corner with rights and begins stomping him down. Cena gets crushed in the corner as the crowd rallies for him, but Nitro gets some advice from Melina to give forearm shots to the back and back of the head. Cena whips around with right and beats Nitro off hitting his usual offense into the protobomb. Cena signals Five Knuckle Shuffle and hits it before signaling FU. Cena hits the FU as RVD says you won’t see the You Cant See Me crap at ECW. Cena locks on the STFU for the win. The crowd is huge for him for some reason.
Winner: Cena

Special Match "Fact": Nitro has been fired from both shows now as he once used to be what Coach is, but to Bischoff instead.

RVD and Cena stare at each other and Rob is headed to the ring when Nitro charges Cena from behind. Cena side-steps and sends Nitro crashing into Rob on the outside.

Random Commercial Thought: Unlock, this! Now get on your knees!

Back to the show, they replay last week with Heyman’s introduction of Funk and Dreamer. Foley and Heyman are in the ring. Mick says it was great to see Melina here tonight and gets his obligatory cheap pop. Mick agrees that he is a prostitute because everyone in WWE does things they don’t want. he says the only different between ECW Foley and WWE Foley is that he traded in a low life pimp like Heyman for a billion dollar pimp in Vince. He says he is vexed because he and Edge are going to take on Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer. He doesn’t see where he begins to get off in claiming that Funk and Dreamer are what Hardcore is about. He says other than that, he wishes him luck with his porn addicted, pot-smoking, Foley rip-offs.

Heyman says the comments would be more biting if they didn’t come from a guy who spent his entire career as a Funk rip-off. Foley says he admits Dreamer had heart and Funk was legendary and they didn’t have the guts to...Heyman interrupts that they didn’t have the guts to pull a sock from their guts and make Vince laugh in the hospital. He asks how many title shots he got before pulling a sock from his pants for Vince. Heyman talks down Mick until he finally pisses him off enough to knock his own podium to the side. Heyman says ECW is coming back full time and anyone on Raw and Smackdown is welcome to jump to ECW and he has two draft picks from Raw and Smackdown. Mick says he can guess the Raw draft pick, Rob Van Dam. He says the only reason RVD liked ECW is because he was truly a "high" flyer.

Paul says the Kool-aid came in many colors and when RVD wins the title, he’ll re-christen it the ECW World Title. His Smackdown pick is... Mick says a washed-up Foley wannabe. Paul wants to introduce him to his Smackdown pick, KURT FUCKING ANGLE. Oh yeah, bitch. Foley tries to charge Angle when he gets in the ring, but Angle tackles him and hits the Angle slam, sending Mick rolling to the floor. Though he was the one leading the charge against ECW last year, it’s good to see Angle doing something new. Commercials time.

Random Commercial Thought: You know what also only happens on Nintendo DS? Inappropriate game touching.

Back to the show. This week in Wrestling history is Andre the Giant. Show is here and he has Toaster Oven hands now according to JR. Edge is out and here we go!

The Big Show vs. Edge w/Lita (#1 Contender’s Match)

Show beats Edge down early, getting shushed chops and even standing on his back. Lita tries to grabs his leg and Show walks forward, dragging her in by his leg. Show opens up on Edge again, but misses a clothesline. Edge tries a cross body and Show catches him, planting him with snake eyes. Edge rolls to the floor. Show reaches over and drags him up by the hair only to get hung on the top rope .Edge goes up top, but Show just tosses him off.

Edge tries a spear, and the ref gets slung away when Edge grabs him. Edge pokes Show in the eyes and grabs a chair. Edge gets the chair swatted away as Show grabs him for another chokeslam. The ref turn to slowly dispose of the chair as Lita low blows Show. Show goes to chokeslam her and the ref breaks them apart, so Edge gets in a chair shot while he isn’t looking and the three.
Winner: Edge

Special Match "Fact": Show has a Stick of butter for a nose to go with his toaster hands.

Onward to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: What the hell is a mind freak?

Back to the show. They do a Smackdown Rebound of JBL losing his job. We go to Vince confronting Hunter in the back with sledgie. He asks if that is the same friend he accidentally hit Shane with. He says he has so much confidence, he doesn’t think Hunter needs it and walks away with it as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: We get a commercial for WWE vs. ECW on USA network. A two hour special. Whatever.

Back to the show where the Squad does a cheer for Kenny. Hunter is out next with Play the Game music.

Kenny vs. Triple H (Spirit Jack Match?)

Kenny tries to sneak attack and gets PWN3D!!11! for his troubles. Hunter slaps him around and send shim tot he floor with his buddies. Hunter gets hung on the top rope trying to drag him back by the other Squad members. Kenny goes squish in the corner. hunter has to run off a Squad member before trying to pedigree, but Mitch drags him out and attacks him, instead Mitch eats steps. Both JR and King are trash talking them here. Hunter tells them to bring it as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What would happen if one of the 4400 died? Would they rename the series?

Back to the match. Hunter gets a ref warning as he beats Kenny down. Kenny ducks out of the ring and recovers with The Squad, but Mitch catches Hunter from the wide when he tries to follow out. They swarm Triple H and begin annihilating him. The Squad continues to work Hunter, distracting the ref until Hunter makes Kenny nail himself on the steel post. They distract our ref again as Kenny gets two off Johnny’s Johnny-go-round kick. Once again they distract the ref so Hunter can be beat down on the outside as a big "Kenny sucks" chants echoes through the arena. Kenny tunes up the band as Hunter crawls to his feet and ducks the superkick into a DDT. Hunter gets racked on the post by the Squad and his knee wrapped around it for two. Kenny begins working the knee.

Kenny removes the knee brace and torqs the knee some more. Kenny goes up top, but hunter racks him on the rope, and rallies back hitting the face buster and clothesline. Kenny gets beat down with rights in the corner. The Squad tries to take Hunter on, but he sends them all flying to the floor and hits the pedigree on Kenny for three.
Winner: HHH

Special Match "Fact": It’s a fact. This match made people kill themselves in Korea.

The Squad jumps him post match for a big beat down. Hunter eventually escapes to a hidden sledgehammer (how convenient) and fights them off, celebrating in the ring when Vince arrives. Vince says he’s proud of Hunter and wants him to join a club, the Kiss My Ass Club next week as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Kurt FUCKING Angle. need I say more?

Lowlight of the Night: Kiss My Ass Club returns NEXT WEEK!...God help us all!

Eugene Award: Edge Activates his Anti-DQ shield to become #1 Contender again despite crowd STILL not caring he exists.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).