Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

RAW RANT ARCHIVE (March 2009)

Navigation:
March 02, 2009
March 09, 2009
March 16, 2009
March 23, 2009
March 30, 2009

 
Welcome back to Raw, now with more pointless episodes. Well, probably not more, but a considerably larger number than most shows that don’t fall under the category of Saturday Morning Cartoon shows. On second thought, WWE should probably be reclassified as such these days with the new Kid-Friendly atmosphere they’ve been trying to hype up. Because nothing is as kid friendly as a man kicking the elderly in the head and beating up women. It’s what I grew up on as a child and if it’s good enough for America, than it’s good enough for me.

Raw 03.02.09

Show opens with a replay of the sledgehammer assault from last week cut more like a bad horror movie. From there it’s theme and pyro. King is in the ring to tell us that tonight Edge will take on John Cena. He sounds so excited about this that I can only assume his order of girl scouts finally arrived. We also learn that Orton will announce who he is challenging for the title tonight. We are then off to the entrance ramp for Jericho coming out to Piper’s music for Piper’s Pit. It’s not much of a pit, its actually kind of raised up. He got the original Piper’s Pit set for you nostalgic freaks I guess. I highly doubt that claim myself. He then replays the original Coconut breaking segment. The replay proves the set is different than it used to be. YOU LIAR. Jericho then invites out Jimmy Snuka in all his geriatric glory.

Jericho tells Jimmy he’s living as a shadow of his past. It’s basically the same thing he’s been telling all the Legends recently. Jericho asks him if he understands what he is saying and Snuka says he does not. He probably just needs a hearing aid but Jericho thinks he’s mocking him and brings out a bag of glory days goodies. Pineapple, and coconut. Snuka catches the coconut from Jericho and tosses the set aside before preparing to throw down. Snuka chases him off and poses to his music with his coconut. Eventually Jericho knocks down the set from behind and takes Snuka down. Josh wins a bet with me on whether or not Jericho would beat up a Legend tonight and pretty early. Jericho proceeds to whip him with a belt and force-feed him a banana. H’s used to that from the Home anyway.

Random Commercial Thought: Burn Notice is about to kill off its concept by making the main character meet the guy who burned him. It was good while it lasted.

Back to the show where we replay Jericho whipping Snuka. Rey Mysterio is on his way to the ring to take on Kane and Mike Knox for a qualifier to the MitB match. This is basically the exact same setup we had last week with CM Punk’s match.

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane vs. Mike Knox (MitB Qualifier)

Rey keeps Knox on the floor but Kane throws him to the corner. He catches Kane with a head scissors in the corner only to be kicked in the head from behind by Knox and tossed to the floor. Knox and Kane begin to fight in the match of the century that no one ever wanted to see as we go to commercial.

Random commercial Thought: Women draw on me.

Back to the match Kane and Knox are still brawling and oh my God I don’t care at all. Why am I being subjected to this? OH GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME. Knox tries to work a headlock and even that comes off stiff and worse than usual. Kane back suplexes out of it and runs right into a kick to the face from Knox. Rey tries to climb back in but catches Knox with a head scissors. Rey delivers his body scissors to bulldog and picks up a two count before dropkicking Kane and leaping into a tilt a whirl back breaker from Knox. Mysterio is hoisted up onto Knox’s shoulder and counters into a huge DDT but Kane breaks up the pin.

Rey head scissors Kane into the turnbuckle and counters a charge from Knox in the corner. Knox tosses Mysterio over his head when he charges, causing a senton on Kane. Rey goes fro the 619 on Knox only to be caught for a choke slam. Knox is kicked away and Mysterio counters with a head scissors into 619 for two when Knox breaks it up. Knox delivers his finisher to Rey and gets choke slammed for the three.
Winner: Kane

Kane proceeds to choke slam Mysterio for shits and giggles. Huzzah for midget assault.

Random Commercial Thought: Auto-zone rewards are they might actually choose to not rip you off.

Back to the show where we get a Wrestlemania recap of the legendary Michaels/Hart Ironman match. We have divas on their way to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: During the break I learn that Edge is going to win tonight since he’s scheduled to be champion at the next Wichita show.

Back to the show where Melina and Maryse are on the mics.

Mickie James & Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall w/ Rosa Mendez

In the ring, everything there is completely pointless due to the catfight of the female champions on the mic. Kelly is fighting with Jillian and she eventually escapes a brutal assault to make a tag to Mickie James. Mickie beats Beth and Jillian down, delivering a head scissors in the corner, but it’s countered and Jillian sets up some weird screaming cartwheel right into a kick from Mickie. Mickie delivers a senton for two when Beth makes the save. Kelly makes the tag in and gives a sunset flip for three.
Winners: Mickie & Kelly

Rosa Mendez tackles Kelly and the heels begin a full out assault. Melina tries to get in the ring but Maryse trips her up and slams her down. Okay? Glad to know I still don’t care about the Diva’s Division but whatever. And now, a rerun of the footage from the beginning of tonight’s show. Orton comes to the ring afterward with an army of security (coughindywrestlerscough) and lawyers…also two scrubs named Rhodes and Dibiase.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the fuck is there a commercial break here?

Back to the show where Orton challenges the winner of Cena and Edge. He then says he’s filing charges for Trips to be put in jail. It’s about time. Trips decides to arrive, deadly hammer in hand. Trips, instead of also claiming he has contracted IED from Orton, says he’s perfectly fine in raping him with a sledgehammer. The security blocks off his entrance but Trips drops the hammer and shows off his unarmed state. Bullshit, we saw where he got that one last week. Sounds like it’s time for a cavity search. They decide to have a little chat. Trips reminds Orton of how he became the youngest champion and was turned on the next week. I want him to ask what happened to that guy he beat for it in the first place, eh?

Trips reminds Orton that he’s not a nice guy or anything resembling a good person. Trips just about makes him cry in telling him to challenge for his belt and get full revenge. CRY RANDY, CRY FOR MEEEEE CRYYYYYY. The pompous lawyer tells him that Orton has nothing more to say. Orton agrees to face him at Mania and makes him agree to not touch him until then. Orton says it felt great to kick Vince in the skull and beat up his wife. Delicious. Trip returns to the ring to have a classic forehead duel. Wait, he’s touching him now. This contract is void.

Random Commercial Thought: OMFG the computer shut down oh god please save….oh it’s fine. Awesome.

Back to the show. Shawn Michaels is here to take on Vladimir Kozlov who was the first person to not be a retard and do something to Taker during Old School, securing a victory over him last Friday.

Vladimir Kozlov vs. Shawn Michaels (Winner Faces Taker at Mania)

Kozlov tosses Michaels to the corner for a heavy assault. He proceeds to lock Michaels into a bear hug, but Michaels breaks free and puts on a Figure Four. Kozlov reverses the hold quickly and Michaels ducks out to the floor to escape like a little girl as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Nicholas Cage has become type cast as his character from National Treasure.

Back to the show where Michaels is still getting his ass handed to him. Kozlov levels Michaels up into the corner and…head butts him in the side? That’s kind of an awkward way of attack. Kozlov delivers a running power slam for a two count. Kozlov delivers a series of side back breakers and proceeds to still look like he smelled the worst thing ever. Torture Rack from Kozlov that nobody seems to recognize what it is. Michaels punches his way free but Kozlov drops him for another two count. Michaels tries to fight back with forearms and delivers a series of chops against the ropes. Shawn tries the flying forearm and gets caught with a head butt for his trouble. It’s super effective!

Kozlov puts Michaels up top for a….awkward hug? But Michaels throws him off and delivers the elbow drop. Michaels tunes up the band and nails the kick for the win to defeat Kozlov’s undefeated career. I’m actually surprised they aren’t going to force us to watch Kozlov/Taker at Mania.
Winner: Michaels

Taker turns out the lights and plays his music for us to make a dramatic entrance after the match. We’re going to find out our next inductee for the hall of fame who should be happy that Jericho has already beaten someone up tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Fuck Sony. That is all.

Back to the show. Bill Watts is inducted into the hall of Fame. That explains why Jericho didn’t beat him up. I think he’s already dead. Lucky bastard. Edge tells Tard in the back that he planned all along to take on Cena near his home town because…um…yeah.

Random Commercial Thought: I have a problem with Burger King.

Back to the show where we get a replay of what happened in the match between Cena and Big Show on Friday. Have I mentioned my supreme distaste for Cena’s new move names? Edge arrives to the ring and sits around in the dark in the ring for an absurdly long amount of time before Cena decides to make his appearance. Lillian does classic in-ring intros for us before we finally get this match that we have seen fifty times before underway.

John Cena vs. World Heavyweight Champion Edge (World Heavyweight Title Match)

Cena takes Edge down with a headlock. Oh the drama. Edge counters with a headlock takedown of his own. Edge begins to powers over Cena with rights and Cena dumps him to the floor by pulling the ropes down and we go to commercial with just a couple of minutes left in the broadcast. What the fuck.

Random Commercial Thought: I can break that pitch….Yaaaaaaah!

Back to the show. Cena is in another chin lock. Edge continues to keep the pressure on but Cena comes back with shoulder blocks and the protobomb before landing the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He just punches the mat though and Edge rolls him up for a two count. Cena scoops Edge up for an FU, it’s the FU goddamnit. Edge escapes and drops Cena for a two count. Cena Edge try to roll each other up for two counts before Edge levels Cena with the Edge-u-cution DDT. Cena goes up top is knocked off, bouncing off the post and the ring apron. Cena crawls back inside but catches Edge with the flashback before going up top and landing the guillotine leg drop. Cena resignals and lands Five Knuckle Shuffle this time.

Edge slips free of the FU and trips Cena into the Edge-u-cator leg lock. Cena makes the ropes and Edge decides to go camp in his corner like a Call of Duty player to signal for the spear. Cena trip him out of it into the STF. Edge makes the rope quickly as well. They both crawl up and Edge delivers a spear but only picks up a two count. Edge decides to take a trip to ringside and grabs his belt but Cena scoops him up into the FU. The ref goes to get rid of the belt but Edge regrabs it on the way by and bashes him in the head.
Winner: Cena

Booooo. Big Show arrives on the ring entrance and looks pissed at both Cena and Edge. Edge offers his hand but apparently Show couldn’t give two shits. Or even one. Vickie decides to come to the ring to introduce the number one contender for the title at Mania, Big Show. Edge seems non-plussed. Cena looks ready to cry. Awww. I’m over it.

Highlight of the Night: Edge and Cena was actually a good match, as it usually is between the two. They pulled out all of their moves but it didn’t really get the amount of time it deserved.

Lowlight of the Night: Inter-show Diva rivalry….what?

WWE “Creative” Award: Big Show number one contender what?

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (03/09/09) By Cameron Burge
 
Welcome back. I hope you’ve enjoyed your vacation from the Happiest Show on Earth. And by happiest, I mean something more along the lines of scenes from the movie Hostel put into wrestling format, just with less dislocated eyeballs hanging out. You know, I don’t really recommend anybody watching this. Oh God, here it comes, DEAR JESUS GET OUT OF THE WAY WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE.

Raw 03.09.09.

Show opens with a recap of Orton and Triple H again, you know, like last week…only again. They start to replay what happened on Smackdown but it cuts away and we see a shot of a random house meant to be Orton’s. They will be asking him later to speak on the issue of what they did to Trips and we go to ringside for Shawn Michaels.

Shawn says he has a message for the Undertaker that he’s not afraid of him. He says while Taker is undefeated at Mania, he himself is Mania itself. He says he’s never been outperformed there and never will…you know despite losing more than he wins. The gong cuts him off after a bit and it goes to a shot of each of the Undertaker’s victories at Wrestlemania. It’s actually pretty cool but also shows off the random retards he has had to fight. We come back to Taker standing behind Michaels. Shawn knows he is there and says he’s been expecting him. Taker grabs a microphone to tell him his arrogance has clouded his judgment. Taker says he has fought many men he respected an they have all fallen.

Shawn says he shouldn’t have to qualify to take on anyone at Wrestlemania and notes he revolutionized Wrestlemania, won the Iron Man Match and retired Ric Flair. Taker points out Michaels has lost at Mania despite some of his epic victories. He points out his dream of defeating him is just a dream. Say it isn’t so! He says Michaels should be more concerned with what he is going to o to him physically and to his soul. “I’m gonna floss my ass with your soul!” Shawn cuts off the declaration that he will rest in peace by saying he will rest just fine when he’s ended Taker’s streak. He says Taker has never beaten him and never will. Shawn proceeds to take a walk.

We get a video clip of John Cena whispering to Vickie on Smackdown before we go to commercial. I bet he whispered to her there is another Dominique running around again.

Random Commercial Thought: Watchmen was about glowing blue penis.

Back to the show where JBL has an Intercontinental title match because…um….eh…yeah.

JBL vs. Intercontinental Champion CM Punk (Intercontinental Championship Match)

They tie up right away and JBL runs him down with a shoulder block for a one count. Why he thought this would work is beyond me. Punk works the arm an delivers some kicks but JBL puts on a sleeper hold. Punk drops him with a jaw buster and delivers the Pepsi One in the corner. JBL escapes the bulldog and takes a walk only to be leapt upon by CM Punk.

Random Commercial Thought: The internet is not just for Porn. It is for FREAKY porn.

Predictably, since CM Punk leapt over the ropes, he is now in a rest hold by JBL….the gayest looking rest hold I have possibly ever seen. It was supposed to just be an abdominal stretch, but that was bad touch. JBL picks up a two count off of a clothesline. Punk kicks out of another cover and JBL decides it’s time to hug him….like a bear. I’ve never actually seen a bear hug anyone actually. JBL runs into a kick but JBL slams him right back into the corner and sets him up top. Punk comes back out of the corner with a tornado DDT.

Punk rallies back with kicks and a reverse elbow. He misses the Pepsi One when JBL tosses him back, but springs off of the turnbuckle into a clothesline before landing the Pepsi One and the bulldog for two. Punk signals for the GTS but JBL rakes the eyes and delivers a clothesline from Hell for three.
Winner: JBL

…..wut? JBL has apparently forgotten where his elbow is as the pad seems to be down around his wrist. We see Orton and his wife on the couch, chilling out as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: John Cena needs to not be in any more movies now. Please god.

Back to the show where Vickie is demanding something of JBL for getting his title match. He finally agrees and Edge comes along to demand to know what Cena said to her on Friday. She tells him it doesn’t matter and he demands he get to sign his contract tonight. We cut then to Orton and his robot wife. Cole asks why Orton violated his own stipulation. We then get a replay of what they did to Triple H. Basically three guys tackle Trips and all hell breaks loose. Somehow this assault gave Trips a case of rabies. Orton says he had restraint and could have kicked him in the head…despite the fact he did kick him in the head three times. Cole lets us know we have to see him a couple of more times.

Random Commercial Thought: What does the Transporter transport?

Back to the show where Maryse and Melina are going to mix it up.

Diva’s Champion Maryse w/Smackdown Divas vs. Women’s Champion Melina w/Raw Divas(Non-title Match)

They have a kick fight for some reason like a Mixed Martial Arts fight. Maryse gets leg swept but manages to send Melina to the floor where the Smackdown Divas force her back in. Maryse locks on a camel clutch and reels back into a hair pull. Maryse grabs the hair more but is kicked off and a drop kick sets up for a senton from Melina. She tosses Maryse by the hair for a two count. Maryse tries a kick in the corner but is caught and set up across the ropes for a midsection stomp by Melina. Melina kicks her down but misses a knee rush in the corner. Maryse slams her down by the hair for three.
Winner: Maryse

Rosa Mendez leaps into the ring and has to be dragged back but she breaks free and a diva brawl breaks out. I approve of this. The face divas beat out all the heel divas. And now, yet another smack down replay. I’ve seen almost as much Smackdown footage as Raw footage tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Miss March pales in comparison to May.

Wrestlemania moments is Wrestlemania 6 where Warrior won his second belt while losing most of his face paint, some of his tassels and all of his sanity. Vickie is in the ring for the contract signing. Vickie announces a 25 Diva Battle Royal for Mania with Divas from Raw, Smackdown and the Past. Oh god let them all be alive. Edge and Big Show arrive and Edge tells him he is not going to take back what was said. He also mentions he was at attendance at Wrestlemania 6. Edge says he knows they are both better than Warrior or Hulk Hogan. I kind of have to agree there. They both know more than five moves.

Cena interrupts the signing to come in and ask why Vickie didn’t tell Edge. Vickie says she put Cena in the match at Mania and he signs the contract as well. Big Show whines and Cena tells him to take it easy. Cena goes on to say everyone should know the truth. I’ve been yelling what he’s about to say at the screen since this segment started. Cena says he loves her. That….was not what I expected. How do you go from banging Mickie James to this? Cena leaves and I’m pretty disturbed by why so many people want to bang the ugliest woman in the business. Edge interrupts to say Cena is lying to try and get into the match. Edge tries to force her to tear up the contract. Cena admits he is right, he doesn’t love Vickie. Huzzah. NOW he says what I was yelling earlier. He knew the guy who works the security camera in his home town and Vickie is banging Big Show and making out with him while Edge is in the shower. Edge looks like he swallowed his heart.

This segment brought to you by the spirit of Vince Russo.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish women gave birth to nachos.

Jericho is out to get a shot at being in the MitB. He’s taking on the guy who was kicked out of Elimination Chamber, Kofi Kingston.

Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho (MitB Qualifier)

Kingston gets ran down by a shoulder block but Kingston leaps over his follow-ups and delivers a reverse elbow. He should have Superfly chopped out of that. Jericho smacks him down and starts to stalk over him as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Madworld looks….mad. It was a better title than disgruntled world.

Back to the match. Kingston is in a cobra clutch from Jericho. Kingston elbows his way out and actually attacks with an axe handle of all things. Kofi rallies with kicks and dropkicks before landing his springboard cross body. Jericho rolls through and picks up a two count. Kofi tries to get the Boom Boom Boom, but Jericho socks him in the jaw and tries for the Walls. Kingston gets out but is still landed for two. Jericho delivers a bulldog and bombs the lionsault. Kofi takes advantage with the Boom Boom Boom for two.

Kofi sets up for Trouble in Paradise but Jericho grabs him by the leg and locks on the Walls. Suddenly, Ric Flair’s theme interrupts when Kofi is prevented from going to the ropes. Ric stands at the ring entrance and Kofi escapes before delivering Trouble in Paradise for three.
Winner: Kingston

Money in the Bank looks like a race war now. Ric taunts Jericho from the ring entrance silently. Michael Cole insinuates to Orton after the match that he is scared of Trips, much to his displeasure. We then pimp a handicap match for Hunter later tonight as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m bored with this stupid Killzone 2 commercial.

Holy shit WWE has the most face book friends. Call the press. Jericho is in the back to complain. He demands Ric Flair come out of retirement to face him on Raw next week and get his shit wrecked like the geriatric he is. The new inductee to the hall of fame is Koko B. Ware. We also have to hear him sing Piledriver and see some of the video clips from it. King hopes he will bring Frankie with him…which I don’t think will happen unless he’s in a KFC bucket. Rey Mysterio is out to team up with Finlay and Christian in his first match on Raw since his return. I do not like his new theme. I miss the opera theme.

Random Commercial Thought: Skeleton Keys should only lead to skeletons.

Back to the show where Kane arrives. I’m sure the lighting guys will be happy when they don’t have to install these lights anymore after Kane retire. Miz and Morrison didn’t get introductions. Fags.

Christian & Rey Mysterio & Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs. Kane & World Tag Champions Miz & Morrison

Christian starts off with Miz. Cole goes out of his way to call him Captain Charisma more. Miz gets his shit wrecked and tags out to Kane. Christian can’t toss Kane or sunset flip him and gets crushed in the corner. Kane picks up a two count out of a side slam. Miz and Morrison start exchanging quick tags while they work Christian over on the ground. Christian fights his way out and dodges Miz in the corner, kicking him in the nose. Finlay makes the tags and clotheslines Morrison on the way in. Miz is tossed into the ring and Kane sent off the apron.

Finlay levels Miz and Morrison with a double clothesline before Rey makes his way in. Mysterio  delivers a big cross body to Morrison. Rey catches Morrison with a head scissors on the top for two. Miz misses a corner charge on Rey and is sent to the floor before Kane blocks a 619. Kane goes for the choke slam but Finlay and Christian send him to the floor. A big tilt-a-whirl headscissors sets up the 619 and Mysterio springboards into the hurricanrana pin for the win.
Winners: Finlay, Christian & Rey

Rhodes and Dibiase are on their way to the ring as we go to commercial. They are going to get wrecked.

Random Commercial Thought: Monsters cannot defeat aliens.

Back to the show. In case you care, John Cena’s movie is coming out soon….yeah I knew you didn’t. I like how we are wasting the last few minutes of the show with this instead of our Main Event. After this segment, Priceless stroll out. Triple H takes his dear sweet time as well even though it’s ten o’clock already by my time. Triple H doesn’t appear at all though even though Lillian introduces him because…he’s actually in St. Louis beating Orton’s ass at his own home. I don’t know this yet but Triple H has to forfeit this match. Orton appears to say Trips let everyone down by not showing up. Triple H breaks into the house with Sledgie and goes on a rampage through Orton’s house. This segment drags on forever and is actually pretty uneventful with Triple H just looking for Orton. He should have pedigreed the wife. Orton makes a sneak attack and tackles Trips from a closet before getting his ass beat six ways to Sunday and getting thrown out a window. There is conveniently a camera man outside already for this. The cops then proceed to arrest Trips. For some reason they don’t arrest Orton when he breaks away and attacks Triple H and an officer as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: The opening interview between Shawn and Taker was pretty good and really set up nicely for their match.

Lowlight of the Night: Big Show fucked Vickie! OMFG.

WWE “Creative” Award: Triple H pointlessly fails in his attack on Orton, not even beating up his wife like a pro would.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (03/16/09) By Cameron Burge

 
Welcome to the best damn Raw Rant, Menstrual Cycle! That’s an appropriate title I guess considering this week’s show may continue to revolve around Vickie Guerrero still. This horrifies me to no end as it is. Let’s get into it right away before I lose my nerve.

Raw 03.16.09

Show opens with a long and pointless recap of the Vickie affair before we get a proper theme and pimping for our matches. One possible match is Chris Jericho vs. the Beef Jerky that used to be Ric Flair. We cut to Shawn Michaels coming to the ring to make sure Jesus can see his pyros from space. His intro is interrupted by The Undertaker. Twenty minutes later, he actually makes it to the ring. The combined entrances of Vladimir and JBL take about one fourth of the time of Taker’s alone.

Vladimir Kozlov & JBL vs. The Undertaker & Shawn Michaels

Vladimir pushes Michaels off and taunts while Taker glares at them both Michaels leaps onto Kozlov and is thrown off so Michaels makes the tag. Vlad gets his shit wrecked as Taker runs him over and clotheslines him to the floor while we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: My name is Hung (like a horse) Lee.

Back to the match. Shawn is amazingly not in a rest hold as we return. He sets JBL up for the elbow and drops it before going for the music. Kozlov tries to clothesline him from the apron, but Michaels ducks only to get Falcon Kicked by JBL. Vladimir makes the tag and beats Michaels with head butts and a belly to belly suplex. JBL comes back in and pummels Michaels several times for a two count. Vladimir comes in. I’ve decided Vlad should say things like “I punch you! I punch again! For mother Russia!” Vlad locks on a bear hug…”Is it BEAR?! OH BOYOHBOYOHBOY!” Shawn delivers a DDT out of slam from Kozlov and the tag is made.

Taker is in and runs the corners with clotheslines on JBL before dragging his arm up to the ropes. JBL is not Russian and therefore doesn’t have the presence of mind to do anything while Taker does his balancing act. Taker sets up for the choke slam but Michaels tags in on his hand as he reels it back and delivers the Sweet Chin Music for the win.
Winners: Michaels & Taker

After the match Taker tries to get Michaels, but Shawn ducks out of the ring. Taker stalks him up the ramp but Shawn makes his escape and leaves him standing there. Taker turns back to the ring but turns around to find Shawn’s foot lodged in his face. Bitches don’t know about my manly foot.

Random Commercial Thought: Bitches don’t know about my Tivo.

Back to the show where we recap what just happened and go to the back for Vickie and Edge. He slaps her across the room and tells her to make him some fucking sandwiches. He’s way behind. He forgives her for the affair with the Big Show and his big show. Edge tells her Big Show is using her to advance his career and she fell for it. He calls The Big Show a home wrecker that will pay. The guy is never even seen wearing pants, I don’t he can afford to pay you anything. He says he actually blames John Cena and not Big Show. This makes no sense. Vickie says she wants him to tear Cena apart and if she is touched she’ll kick him out of the match. Edge hugs Vickie like a fat Mexican teddy bear.

We get a replay of what happened last week with Trips and Orton and a lame excuse that Randy Orton did not press charges while Trips posted his own bail. Tard interviews Orton who looks like he’s about to shit a brick. He says Triple H is a homicidal maniac. He also claims that Hunter terrorized his neighborhood. Orton claims he wanted Triple H out of prison to get his ass kicked. This makes sense to some writer somewhere.

As we go to commercial some heel divas come out.

Random Commercial Thought: Nachoball is manly.

Back to the show. The divas are about to get it on in the bad way.

Mickie James, Kelly Kelly & Women’s Champion Melina vs. Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall & Layla w/ Rosa Mendez & Santino Marella

Mickie locks up with Beth Phoenix to start us off. Mickie gets her ass kicked. She flips out of a suplex and escapes to make the tag to Melina. Melina comes in to do the worst drop kick I have ever seen in my entire life. She gives a hair drag bull dog to get a senton on her. Beth comes back with a Powerslam and gets a two count when Mickie breaks up the pin. Mickie proceeds to beat the hell out of Jillian and Layla on the outside with help from Kelly. Beth tries to drag her back in and Melina gets a roll up for the win.
Winners: Mickie, Kelly & Melina

After that six man tag that was more like a handicap match, we get a 12 Rounds segment and go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If I could talk to my video game self, I would tell him to never fuck a chicken. Trust me on this.

Back to the show. Triple H makes his appearance. Remember when he looked a lot like Thor and had two theme songs? When Cody comes out by himself, he stops at the ring for Randy Orton and Ted to appear who appear to have absolutely lathered themselves in oil before they came out. Cody sneak attacks while he’s distracted. This does not work at all and Cody gets bat all over the announce table. Trips gets a sledgehammer to protect himself and delivers the pedigree to Rhodes. Trips…summons a cage down. WTF?

Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes

The match officially starts somehow now and every time Orton and Dibiase try to get in, he throws Rhodes into them through the cage wall. Rhodes gets tossed around like a rag doll back and forth while Trips taunts him from inside his cage of solitude. Dibiase almost makes it over but almost gets his head bashed in by the sledgehammer. Cody stumbles up and gets ran down by a sledgehammer. The ref looks to be like “Aw, come on man…” before counting the pin for him.
Winner: Triple H

Apparently, Triple H can just make cage matches whenever he wants to now days. They spend enough time to have another of these matches while trips and Orton stare at each other before we finally go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Mexican chicks are hot so long as they aren’t Vickie Guerrero.

Back to the show where Raw is in San Antonio, home of the basement of the Alamo. Rey comes to the ring wearing a lot of extra shit on his arms and everywhere else for no reason.

Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler

Rey doesn’t shake Dolph’s hand. This of course gets him an ass-beating. Dolph beats Rey down and puts on a full Nelson. Rey catches Ziggler with a few kicks to try and get to his feet before delivering a head scissors in the corner to send Ziggler into the ring post. Mysterio springboards into a senton and head scissors sets up the 619. Rey goes up top for a big splash and the three.
Winner: Mysterio

And now…commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: I would date Elmo.

Back to the show where Jericho arrives to try and defeat more old people. He’s called the Narcissist by Cole, but he’s not in a wheelchair as far as I can see, so he must not be Lex Luger. Jericho whines that he was cost a Wrestlemania slot and is giving Ric the chance to come out of retirement. He calls Flair a coward and a joke. He demands Ric show himself and he finally does, but he’s dressed in a nice suit tonight. Flair pauses to adjust his Wonder Twin ring before telling Jericho that he could beat him and won’t come out of retirement. Flair gives a big excuse about how he can’t wrestle him but he has found men that can. Thank god it wasn’t women. Snuka arrives and Ricky the Dragon and Roddy Piper. I want to know how Jericho thinks he can beat a guy who beat cancer.

The legends surround Jericho and descend into the ring like a pack of wild jackals. Ricky tackles his ankle and the legends leap onto him. Jericho squeezes his way out but Flair catches Chris with a right hook on his way by. That’s pretty much it. We go to a recap of Wrestlemania 15 and then it’s off to commercial again. What happened to matches these days?

Random Commercial Thought: I’mma firin’ my AAAAAAAAH!

Back to the show where Jericho is pissed off and talking to Todd. He claims he was embarrassed by them and challenged the three legends to a match at Wrestlemania to have his moment. He demands Flair show up to Mania and be in their corner. Jericho also bothers to bring up Mickey Rourke.

Back to ringside for a six man tag that has something to do with Wrestlemania somehow…okay? Finlay and Christian are on the mic.

Kofi Kingston, CM Punk & MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin, Kane & Mark Henry

Kingston starts off with Shelton and fights him off so Henry tags in. Henry beats on Kingston for a bit, but MVP tags in and dropkicks him to death. Kane decides to make the tag but MVP dodges a corner rush. Everyone rushes into the ring at the same time for some reason and faces off as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Money in the Bank history is a little confusing.

Back to the show where Kofi is being bent over Kane’s knee backwards after eating a big boot during the break. Kane delivers a big side slam for two before tagging in Shelton. Shelton lands a belly to belly while Christian talks some shit on Hornswoggle. Kofi breaks out of an abdominal stretch and makes the tag to Punk. Punk nails Pepsi One on Shelton. All hell breaks loose with everyone being thrown to the floor by various people. We end up with Shelton and Punk in the ring and MVP slings Shelton into the GTS.
Winners: Punk, MVP & Kingston

In the back, Big Show confronts Vickie about whether or not he was using her. He says she pursued him, not vice versa. Big Show says he is anatomically superior to Edge. Because he is bald.

Random Commercial Thought: The only thing I trust is the inevitability of your death…at my hands.

Back to the show where we recap the card for Wrestlemania. Vickie Guerrero makes hr way to the ring looking somehow even uglier than ever in a ref’s uniform. Back to commercials? I think so!

Random Commercial Thought: Mmmm, people….

Back to the show. Edge makes his way out to his old ass theme music and Cena waddles out all gangsta or whatever the hell his gimmick is now.

World Heavyweight Edge vs. John Cena (Non Title Match Special Ref: Vickie Guerrero)

Edge and Cena brawl while Vickie stands around looking all lost. Cena powers out of the corner and delivers a fisherman’s suplex before covering. Vickie literally twiddles her thumbs instead of counting. Cena confronts her about this and gets tackled from behind. Edge tosses Cena out of the ring over the ropes and Cena looks like he was hit by a truck for some reason. Cena is tossed into the ring steps but when he comes back in, he delivers his usual offense. Vickie tries to block a five Knuckle Shuffle with her body but Cena sneaks in around it for the punch. She pulls Edge out of an FU and puts Cena in a headlock when he locks on an STF.

Big Show arrives at this point and beats down Cena with Edge’s help. They proceed to tie Cena up in the ring ropes and Edge delivers a spear while Vickie bitchslaps him. Show delivers a few good shots in the chest as well. I should note these are punches and not sperm. Edge then decides to spear Big Show too. The match never officially ends and the show goes off the air. Wut?

Highlight of the Night: There was hardly anything of note happening tonight, but my highlight was watching Ricky the Dragon hump Jericho’s leg.

Lowlight of the Night: The Six-man diva’s tag that wasn’t that at all.

WWE “Creative” Award: Who the fuck thought Vickie should be the centerpiece for a Wrestlemania main event match? WHY?!

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 
I am the eggman. I am the eggman. I am the Walrus. Koo Koo Kajoo. That is all….Well okay, one more thing. Are they seriously considering having Jericho wrestle three geriatrics at Wrestlemania like we actually care to see that bullshit-fest? What the hell?

Raw 03.23.09

Speaking of that bullshit, the show opens with Flair accepting the challenge for the other guys to senile to remember they were challenged in the first place. Jericho interrupts Flair to remind Flair that he used to worship the legends but now he’s bigger than all three of them. He leaves the recording truck to walk and tell us this isn’t like The Wrestler. Jericho goes on to call Flair washed up, which would probably explain why he’s so clean looking I would suppose. Flair tells him that he’s wrong and they reuse to be told when it is over. Flair goes on one of his crazy old man rants, much like that obo who lives behind the Dillon’s store by your house. And much like you’ve probably always wanted to, Jericho knocks him flat on his ass before beating a bloodied Flair all around ringside and chucking him over a table. This ass-kicking goes down as one of the most one-sided curb-stompings of all time. Jericho crushes some watch or something
that belongs to Flair on the steps as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Chaos theory is the reason behind all Criminal Intent cases.

Back to the show where Jeff Hardy with Kane’s old face (GIVE ME BACK MY FACE!) arrives to take on Dolph Ziggler in an Extreme Rules match….why?

Jeff just kicks Dolph while shaking his hand but Dolph powers back with clotheslines. Why does he have this shiny Mr. Ass shorts on? Ziggler gets a chair but gets his ass kicked only to dodge corner charge. Dolph nails Hardy with a trash can and picks up the two count. Hardy is set up top but throws Ziggler off onto his own trash can. Hardy finishes with a Twist of Fate on the trash can before nailing him with a chair a few….er a lot of times. Another Twist of Fate is on the chair before Hardy finishes with the Swanton for the win.
Winner: Jeff Hardy

Hardy has a message for Matt about how extreme his experience will be at Mania. Cena reads a poetic get well card for Vickie and steals some of fellow TWF writer Catherine Perez’ schtick with love child photoshops. King and Cole give a courtesy laugh at least. It’s kind of like one of those chuckles you hear as the drunk father of the bride tries to make a joke at a wedding reception.

Random Commercial Thought: This is where I point out that anti-drug commercial make me want drugs.

We get a video package about a past Wrestlemania before cutting to an 8-man clusterfuck tag with the MitB participants.

MVP & CM Punk & Christian & Kofi Kingston vs. Finlay & Kane & Mark Henry & Shelton Benjamin

MVP starts off with Shelton and wrestles him down hard. MVP nails a belly to belly and tags in CM Punk. Punk keeps the pressure on with some lame offense and for doing it so unentertaining he eats a jawbuster. For some reason I heard Flair YELL something in the middle of this match over the speaker system and everyone seems confused as to what just happened. Finlay is on deck now as we return to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I think I’m actually just watching commercials that are interspersed with Raw and not vice versa.

Back to the show. Christian and Shelton are getting it on and Christian is kicking the ever-loving shit out of him. Christian dodges some corner offense with some high agility moves and even catches Finlay on the apron trying to get a cheap shot. Everyone spills into the ring and MVP is grabbed in a choke hold by Kane. Kane eats a dropkick from Kofi. Mark Henry runs Kofi down and catches a cross body from Punk. MVP chop blocks Henry and they both kick him to the floor before Christian delivers the Unprettier to Shelton for the win.
Winners: Faces

Post-match, Finlay knocks out everyone on both teams with a ladder and dances with a midget. We get a 12 Rounds Trailer (woo-hoo) and pimping for another Legacy handicap match with Trips as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Nothing is as sexy as Quiznos…wait. No I was thinking of naked women.

Back to the show. We hear the AC/DC theme and for some reason they keep playing this annoying loud fucking music while the announcer are talking so no one can tell what the hell they are saying. So it’s like usual. We get a video recap of stuff between Orton and Trips. This includes his magical ability to summon cages no one could see hovering over the fucking ring. Edge makes his way to the ring now and Vickie arrives shortly there-after. It was all a ploy to bring back this fucking wheelchair I guess. Do she and Edge have a cripple fetish?

Random Commercial Thought Axe. It gets you hot bitches.

Back To the show where Edge gets the cold shoulder from Vickie and Chavo. Why Chavo? Because he didn’t text him to tell him when he was letting the dogs out. What a dick. After Big Show makes his way out, Cena tells him via video to tell them they need to put on a show as two of the biggest stars in the company and forget about Vickie. Also they have both fucked her probably. Awesome.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. The Big Show (Non-title Match)

Edge beats Big Show’s ass right into the corner but is eventually thrown off and ran over with a clothesline. Show levels him again with a head butt and Edge takes a breather. Chavo looks poised to run edge over with Vickie’s wheelchair for some reason before he is thrown back into the ring by Show. Big Show nails him in the gut with a right and begins to slap him in the chest outside the ring like the world’s largest bald girl. He tells Vickie Edge is weak but on his way back into the ring his legs are kicked out from under him. Edge beats the shit out of his knee but Show throws him off.

Edge won’t lay off and continues to chase after his leg. Edge delivers a DDT and some mounted punches but Show throws him back off and guerilla press slam him into the ropes. Big choke from Big Show….um lol? Show ties Edge up in the ropes and Vickie forces Chavo to go stop Show. He tries but it works about as well as expected though Edge does make his escape. Edge ends up replaying Smackdown and spearing Chavo while trying to hit Big Show. Show just knocks him out with one punch.
Winner: Edge

Post-match, Show confronts Vickie who has decided she can’t walk again and quietly leaves.

Random Commercial Thought: Real men survive falls from helicopters.

Back to the show with Rey Mysterio who is going to take on William Regal. JBL reveals on the microphone that for once in forever the IC belt will be on the line at Mania. OMFG.

William Regal vs. Rey Mysterio (Intercontinental #1 Contender’s Match)

Regal gets his ass kicked and it looks like he’s set up fro 619 but he takes a breather. Regal goes to the floor and Rey follows where JBL distracts him for a blindside from Regal. William Regal starts stomping down on Rey’s face. Regal just punches Rey all around the ring and knocks him down flat. Rey takes a knee to the face and the ref has to keep them apart with a possible nose injury until Rey leaps up out of nowhere with kicks and a 619 for the springboard splash and the win.
Winner: Rey

That was dirty you fucking Mexican. JBL stands outside the ring to applaud and eats a baseball slide in the face.

Random Commercial Thought: Hey look a penguin! Awesome.

Back to the show for Michaels and the Undertaker. I smell a sitcom. Taker cuts a promo about how he left Michaels injured for 5 years despite never beating him. He even says Michaels will question his faith in the end. Michaels responds with a video of him in the worlds least scary graveyard recounting Taker’s past at Mania and how he isn’t afraid. His dialogue seems written by the retarded cousin of Edgar Allen Poe. Shawn proceeds to apparently bury a camera in the grave. I can’t remember at the moment if we went to commercial after this. I was sort of not there. So we’ll pretend we didn’t for once.

Santino arrives to tell us he plans to win the Diva’s battle Royal because he has a match to earn a slot in the battle royal if he can beat Mickie with one arm tied behind his back. He’s doomed.

Santino Marella w/ Beth Phoenix & Rosa Mendez vs. Mickie James w/ Melina & Kelly Kelly (One-arm match)

Mickie dances outside of his grab range and pushes Santino before dodging him in the corner and locking him down by tying up both his arms. Santino does his best Scotty 2 Hotty impression on the ground before working his way up. She offers to tie up but he can’t so he just trips her delivers head butts. Santino says he has an idea and tries rolling around in her. Mickie covers him for two. Santino goes up top for some reaon and gets punched down by Mickie. Rosa tries to get up on the apron against Mickie but it knocks Santino off into a Mick Kick for the loss.
Winner: Mickie

Poor Santino. He gets the ultimate cock-block I guess.

Random Commercial Thought: I am so full of hate right now. Hate for the people who develop Axe for lying to me.

We get another trailer for 12 Rounds because we obviously all cared. And by cared I mean, we didn’t. At all. We get a card rundown for Wrestlemania before Orton and Dibiase decide to make their appearance for the Main Event. Perhaps this match will actually happen unlike the last two non-matches they’ve had so far in recent weeks. They mange to get most of the way to the ring but then it’s about time we visited our friend the commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: Can you seriously electrically power a heart by tazing yourself? No. No you can’t.

Back to the show where we replay Chris Jericho and it is revealed it was his retirement watch that Jericho stomped. King challenges Jericho to a match next week much to my complete and utter horror. Trips makes his appearance but before the match can even get started he rushes the ring and takes out Dibiase. Orton is dragged to the floor and beaten but the numbers game adds up (ba-zing). Trips continues to try and separate Orton but Dibaise keeps catching him from behind. On the floor he tries to go under the ring but Rhodes appears instead of a hammer and beats the fuck out of him. They proceed to handcuff Trips to the turnbuckle and kick his ass while Orton says only one woman can save him now and she better hurry. Orton retrieves a hammer and the beat down continues until he decides to practice croquet with his head. Stephanie comes to the rescue.

Trips tells her to get back, but being the dumb bitch that forgot to make the sandwiches that she is, she comes to the ring anyway. Orton delivers a suspended DDT from the middle rope to her. Retard. He proceeds to drool a lot for some reason. He decides to taunt Trips and make out with her passed out party like the drunk girl at a party. Orton finally decides to use his hammer on Trips’ face. In the meantime, somewhere along the line Rhodes stripped down to his wrestling trunks. Why? Who knows. End.

Highlight of the Night: Tonight’s matches were all short story build with very little to them. Kind of disappointing. The highlight was probably Big Show and Edge despite the length. I just enjoy my hometown boy.

Lowlight of the Night: More Stephanie injury action. Oh boy!

WWE “Creative” Award: King challenges Jericho. Why does creative hate me?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (03/30/09) By Cameron Burge
 
ack to the show where we abuse women and a good laugh is had by all. HAHAHAHA. Anyway, tonight, we get more reruns with another “address” from Randy Orton and yet another match between the Big Show and John Cena. For some reason this is different because they are doing it on Raw. I guess the red lights freshen it up some?

Raw 03.30.09

Show opens with a hearse presumably carrying the remnants of creativity from the writing team. From that short little shot we cut to theme and pyro. We learn that Taker is going to hold a funeral for Michaels tonight amidst the cries of him saying “I’m not dead yet!” in an oddly British accent. We then have every Face Diva arrive including Gail Kim who I wasn’t even aware works for WWE again. They are followed by the heel Divas.

Heel Divas vs. Face Divas (18 Diva tag match)

This clusterfuck (it’s not as hot as it sounds) starts off with Jillian and Mickie James. Mickie leaps onto her and beats Jillian around with ease, tagging out to Tiffany. Jillian trades out to Beth who runs her over. Actually I don’t know who half of these women are but Tiffany rolls up whoever this dark haired chick is for the three. That was surprisingly fast.
Winners: Faces

Santino comes out to say he went to the top of WWE to a guy who is dead to try and get in the battle royal. He’s in a creepy robe and says he’s going to have a swimsuit exhibition. Why. GOD WHY.  He says he has what it takes to be Miss Wrestlemania. A VAGINA? IT’S A TRAP! He demands all the hoes go home and make him a calzone or something. He then unleashes the “Mankini” ad struts around like a Chippendale dancer. His music is cut off as Beth decides to give him a piece of his mind and the women all maul him. For some reason they play Melina’s theme then just to play it I guess. Michael Cole decides this is the greatest way to segue into woman beating and runs a video package about Orton and Trips.

Somehow during the video segment, Jerry magically changed clothes behind the table and rises up to get ready for his match with Chris Jericho. God help us all. At least we are spared for a few moments with commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Even in commercials Vince gets his ass kicked these days.

Back to the show where we replay Jericho crushing Ric’s watch. Hey Ric, what time is it? O W8! HA! We cut to Jerry who has presumably been making everyone in the ring listen to his shitty theme this whole time before aspiring Mankini Model Chris Jericho arrives. For some reason in the promo picture, Ricky Steamboat gets a picture of when he was young but nobody else does. Jeez, he isn’t that bad off.

Jerry Lawler vs. Chris Jericho

Jerry just starts punching on Jericho which is totally illegal and he should be disqualified because he keeps throwing potatoes like he’s in Ireland. Jericho finally powers out of the corner and starts running Lawler down, kicking him back down every time he tries to stand. Three drunk guys decide to cheer for Jerry but nobody really cares. Jericho beats Lawler around the ring and talks some shit. Jericho forgets that Lawler hulks up sometimes and Jerry starts punching him around the ring before just pounding his knuckles into his forehead on the ground while the ref tries to pull him back. Jericho casually locks on the walls after letting him having his courtesy hits.
Winner: Jericho

Jericho stalks over Lawler and slaps him on the head before dragging him up by his handlebar ears. Lawler suddenly levels him with one right and Jericho takes a walk. Lawler invites him back into the ring as Jericho says he already beat him. He says it won’t be how he beats them at Mania, it will be how badly he beats them.

Random Commercial Thought: I just hope 12 Rounds doesn’t have that many sequels.

Back to the show where we get replays of Edge vs. Cena and Edge vs. Big Show. Edge approaches Cena in the back and convinces him to team up against Big Show at Mania to take him out since he knocked out both of their asses with ease before. Cena says it makes sense but he’d rather lose on his own than get help. He goes on to decide he’s an anime character and give a speech like if he tries hard enough everything good will come to him. We cut from this to Dibiase who says what Orton has to say will change the WWE universe forever. We’ve been stuck with Cole by himself for this hole segment. When is Lawler coming back? He didn’t get his ass kicked that bad. We cut to the coffin in the hearse and Shawn Michaels rises out but apparently the sound guy forgot to turn his microphone on as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Metallica saved us.

Back to the show where for some reason the Pussy Cat Dolls are going to be at Wrestlemania, or at least one of them. She asks us if we want to see her there and I reply that its only on the condition that she’s naked. They replay the segment that was silent before and he said “You were expecting someone else?”. Lawler returns to the ringside but still decides to forego putting on clothes while Cole recounts every horrible thing we’ve seen tonight so far in case we were deluded good things had happened. Rey Mysterio as Skeletor arrives. I’ll head scissors you He-man! Bradshaw arrives us to say that tonight is psychological to let Mysterio know he won’t stand a chance, because apparently you should give away PPV matches on TV for free.

Rey Mysterio vs. Intercontinental Champion JBL (Non-title Match)

JBL forces Rey to the corner and slams him down on the break, hammering his back with forearms and leveling the midget with a right. Rey comes back with a kick and delivers a head scissors. He tries for the 619 but JBL catches him with a clothesline. Rey comes back hard but a springboard cross body has him leaping into a kick to the gut as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: In Plain Sight sucks. I hate that show and you should too.

Back to the show where JBL is tossing Rey with a fall away slam. Rey rolls to the floor and takes a breather. JBL follows and kicks him around as the ref finally decides to bother counting for a little bit. JBL tosses Rey back in for a two count. JBL pummels Rey into a corner and puts him up top which is obviously a good idea against a cruiserweight. This ends as well as you thought with a senton. Mysterio hits an exiguities and the 619 whiffs. Rey dropkick JBL in the ass and finally hit’s the 619 to the splash for the three.
Winner: Rey

Random Commercial Thought: Pokemon is for pros.

Back to the show for Wrestlemania 11 recap. Hey look, it’s Bam Bam Biggalo who seems to have found his way into Street Fighter 4 and learned kung fu. John Cena is out next to take on my home town boy The Big Show. This leads me to believe that once again our main event tonight is just going to be a speech from Orton that probably will break out into a fight.

The Big Show vs. John Cena

Big Show strikes a boxing stance and comes across the ring…to kick Cena in the stomach. HAHA! Big Show tosses Cena around and starts walking on him, literally. Big Show continues to just toss Cena out of all of his moves, punching Cena back down every time he tries to get back up. Cena tries to build momentum but is once again just shrugged off like a mosquito. Cena drops Show and tries for an STF but Show just kicks him off across the ring before sending him to the floor with a big baseball slide as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m wondering why you would want nachos that bad ever.

Back to the show where Big Show is still stepping on Cena a lot. I feel like I just saw this before we went to commercial. He stands on Cena’s chest with the ropes then switches up to the back of his head. It’s amusing to see his foot is much bigger than his head. Big Show stands on his back some too. Be amazed as the Big Show steps on things. Show signals for the choke slam as Cena stumbles up and Cena counters into a DDT. Cena goes for an STF but can’t get his arms around him before Big Show throws him off with a hard shot to the face. Cena tries a Big Right but Cena ducks it and tries to scoop him up for the FU. Big Show just pushes him off and delivers a choke slam for the win.
Winner: Big Show

After the match, Edge slips into the ring and just starts beating the holy hell out of Cena after a shared stare with Big Show. We get a replay of Michaels escaping Undertaker. This brings me to rant about how every single feud for Wrestlemania has been built terribly with one person looking way too strong. Uhg.

Random Commercial Thought: Quiznos has crunchy subs.

Back to the show. Shawn comes out with his funeral preparations and says the funeral is for Taker, not Michaels. Shawn recounts all the things he’s done to Taker recently, including running around on his fake tombstone and apparently desecrating the Styrofoam. Michaels opens the casket, proving Taker isn’t hiding inside of it. Shawn continues to refer to himself by the name he can only have around this time of year. The lights go out and when they come back on Taker is in the ring by himself. He can’t seem to find Michaels despite THE LOUD NOISE OF A CASKET CLOSING AND THAT IT IS NO LONGER OPEN. Taker does a slow take of the casket. Taker opens it but it turns out he was hiding under the casket and he gets the drop with another super kick. Shawn does a DX cross chop because he can.

Random Commercial Thought: Oklahoma is full of cow shit. You heard it hear first.

Back to the show where they run a video package about Stone Cold Steve Austin in case you forgot who he was. After that we run down the card for Wrestlemania and have Kane and CM Punk come to the ring. We learn we’re about to have yet another MitB participant gimmick match as we go back to commercials. Huzzah.

Random Commercial Thought: My ovens don’t talk to me.

Back to the show where we get a video package about the rivalry between the Hardy Boys. And now, to the clusterfuck.

MitB Participant Over the Top Battle Royal

The race war begins as the black people each split off with a white man. Finlay who accidentally gets called Fit Finlay by King, is press slammed by Henry over the top. Hornswoggle distracts Henry by throwing his coat at him and everyone tosses him. Kane tries to eliminate both Punk and Christian at the same time. The black people remaining go to Black on Black violence. Kingston, Christian and Punk team up on Kane but he fights out. MVP lands on the apron when Shelton tries to toss him. MVP tries to suplex Shelton to the floor and Kane just tosses them both out. Kingston, Christian and Punk all attack Kane and try to hoist him out like the tub of lard he is, but Kane fights off as Punk tricks Kingston to eliminate to a chorus of boos. Kane decks Punk and tries to toss Christian but he hands in.

Punk and Christian team back up but Christian tricks him and tries to toss Punk out. Punk holds on and delivers the Pepsi One only to be tossed. Punk skins the cat but Kane throws Christian into Punk to eliminate both.
Winner: Kane

Kane retrieves a ladder and grabs the briefcase above the ring for dramatic effect. We see Legacy has new shirts but Dibiase is ironically a bit too poor to afford one. They are headed to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Did you forget about Stone Cold yet? Just pay attention to commercials for the Hall of Fame and you NEVER WILL.

Back to the show where Orton and company finally arrive. That had to be the longest walk through the back ever. He also apparently lost two people along the way since the rest of Legacy is suddenly missing now. If he walked through the back as slow as he is walking now it would actually explain why it took him so fucking long. Orton decides we need to feel sorry for him by replaying when Triple H beat his ass for beating NAME DELETED for the World Title years ago. Our rerun hour continue, showing how Orton beat Trips at the Royal Rumble. We get it. You don’t like each other. He goes on to show him beating up McMahons. Apparently Orton is worried people might walk out on this rerun session that’s been pointless so far and tells us all to sit down and listen or else he will get pissed off. We get to see yet more footage we have already seen and this is of last week. Jesus Christ this is stupid. He reveals that Trips loses his title no matter how he
 loses the match thanks to Vickie. If he arrives with a hammer, it’s automatic.

We see footage that a car just arrived in the back and Orton calls out Legacy and some random security to protect himself with. The limo is opened outside and no one is inside according to the camera man. Orton demands that Triple H come out and face him…and his security…and his friends….yeah…The music that plays though is Vince McMahon who looks like he just sniffed something awful. Probably the writing. Vince strips down to his undershirt and rolls up his sleeves before Shane arrives as well. The last is Triple H himself. The McMahon Squad kicks the shit out of security instead of just firing them. The fat black one who resembles Keenan Thompson gets especially brutalized. The brawl breaks out with Vince taking on Ted and Shane taking Cody. The cameras think it’s more important to stay on Trips and Orton as they brawl into the ring and the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: As much as I hate to say it, seeing Trips, Shane and Vince standing on the entrance ramp is actually a highlight. It’s a big shift in the way Hunter’s character has ever been displayed in the business.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva tag match? Lulz.

WWE “Creative” Award: Who decided we needed a 10+ minute speech by Randy Orton about his history that we’ve seen plenty of in this build up already?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).