Show opens with Cena, Trips and Orton in the back. Regal tells them he has spiced up the situations for their match. Each week one of them gets to be in charge, starting tonight with Cena who gets to pick the main event. Orton says he doesn’t want to be injured and neither do they, so they should give each rips says he doesn’t trust either one of them. Cena says he’s annoyed with pedigrees and RKOs so he has something extremely satisfying for tonight (a Snickers bar?).
Theme and pyro (and even a tiny bit of that oft-touted ballyhoo). Lillian is here to introduce “THe Professional athlete” and Big Show’s exhibition bout with the win by pinfall, submission or knockout. Just hit him with a chair. Or your frying pan hand. Mayweather appears on the screen grinning. It’s a guy shorter than me. I think I could break this guy in half. Brandon the Thrill Hill. Oh my God. I haven’t seen a vacuum like this since a black hole (No I don’t mean Big Daddy V’s Ass). King and JR sound like they’d rather be putting anything over than this. I can imagine JR pining to call the dynamics of a Hornswoggle match right now. This midget’s bodyguards look more intimidating than him by far. Big Show has to be called the ring several times over and moves up to star down the kid before bumping him with his man boobs.
Big Show forgoes knocking “gloves” and bops him in the nose. HAHAHA I just saw like twenty people were leaving the arena during this in the background.
Brandon runs around the ring scared, grabbing corner and ropes to keep Show at bay as the crowd boos. Show drags him back by his trunks once and the ref says he won’t allow him to run again. Show just takes the punches and picks Brandon up tossing him around and knocking him completely into a flip with a kick. Show drags him up for a choke slam to a rather nice pop, probably glad this is over. He doesn’t even make a cool sound when hitting the ring, lame.
Winner: Big Show
Show and Mayweather argue via Titantron. Goddamn that guy needs to learn to talk. Show is bad enough on the microphone but this guy sounds like he hasn’t read a book….like…ever. Does he talk like that on purpose? I swear to God he says “I am willing to die at Wrestlemania, are you?” like three times. He just keeps talking over Big Show and starts talking about he’ll be on his way right now a thousand times over. God this is almost painful to watch it’s so bad. Fucking hell. I can almost hear the fucking gears in his head turning trying to come up with something to say.
Random Commercial Thought: So can Twix stop time or something?
Special Edition Triple H DVD box set coming out. I heard there’s an actual R.I.P. section where they uncover the corpses of past tag teams and high flyers buried by the Game over the years. Back to ringside for Shawn and Ric teaming up. They will be wrestling Cade and Murdoch who didn’t even get introduced. They’re the new Highlanders.
Flair starts off with Murdoch landing a slow motion (regular motion for Ric) hip toss and some chops for the next five minutes. Sloppy signature backdrop, but Murdoch misses and elbow so Ric tags in Shawn. Michaels with chops, but runs into an elbow. Cade tags in but decides he really wanted to find out what a knee in the balls feels like. Cade regains control after a cheap shot by Murdoch from the outside. Double team gets a two count for a tagged in Murdoch after he kicks Michaels in the face. Weird stupid headlock that Michaels fights out of from Cade who is in now. Michaels tries to fight back but his leg is grabbed before he makes the tag. Michaels lands an enziguiri but Murdoch is in to go up top. He jumps onto a foot in the face. Tag to Ric who chops Cade around and Murdoch around. Murdoch is sent to the floor and Cade is left reeling to the ropes before putting Flair in a sleeper. Flair counters into a knee breaker into the Figure Four. Michaels puts Murdoch in his own leg lock as Cade taps out.
Winners: Michaels & Flair
Michaels is back on the mic now to say he can’t wrestle him at Mania. He says he doesn’t want to go down as the guy who ended Ric’s career. He wants to be the guy who fucked over Bret Hart. Shawn says Flair needs to understand this is Wrestlemania and he is HBK and if he keeps pushing for this match he’ll have no choice but to stop his show, even though he has one of the most impressive loss records for Wrestlemania. Flair stands staring as Michaels leaves. In the back Regal is on the phone telling someone Cena is in charge when he suddenly appears like the Candyman. Cena says it’s going to be both Orton and Triple H one on one and he himself will take on Kennedy. Cena says that makes this his office too since he’s in charge and kicks Regal out. Coming soon is a three hour Raw (fuck me) with nothing but rematches from past Wrestlemanias, except for that twentieth one. Not doing that one. There’s also going to be a special appearance by the greatest fighter in the world. That is, if you don’t count like, actual combat where you kill people.
Random Commercial Thought: 40-year Old virgin is now a biography of Sean Carless’ life. He’s not that old yet, he’s still got time.
Back to the show where Umaga is in the ring as Regal is on commentary to put over Umaga against Batista at Mania who is here to crush Super Crazy.
Crazy is whipped around and put in a bear hug after being rammed into the corner. Umaga deals in a Samoan Spike and picks up the three.
Umaga imitates Batista’s thumbs down with his taped thumb. Pimping of the Cena match and main event as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Frontlines forgot to add fun into the game somewhere along the lines.
Back to the show. Jericho is back out with the return of the Highlight Reel. He says this one inspired all the imitators, listing them off, though he adds Are You Smarter Than Snitsky and Cooking with Goldberg. That’s true….if you completely ignore all the ones than came before this. Jericho introduces his guest in Jeff Hardy. Jericho and Hardy must have got their shirts designed at the same “random generic tribal designs” shop. Jericho replays how he qualified for the MitB as well last week by beating Hardy on the Jeritron. Jericho says nobody can stop him as the crowd rallies for Hardy. Jeff says a lot changed since the last time Chris was here and a few years ago he would have nodded and walked away, but now he will beat them all and become the champion. Jericho mentions that he was the first Undisputed champion and Hardy has never had it. Chris says he’s no longer his friend or peer, he’s a target and from now un to Wrestlemania anything goes. Even dancing? Hardy agrees and offers a handshake, pulling Jericho into a Twist of Fate.
Random Commercial Thought: Wow, an actually good Wrestlemania commercial with Carlito defeating a bird.
Replay of Cena getting a Mic Check and we are off to ringside with Kennedy and Cena. Have I mentioned how much I love that Cena shirt? That game really sucked though.
Cena delivers a back body drop and an arm drag takedown into an arm bar as they battle with one another…into another commercial break.
Random Commercial Thought: You can’t let your bed boss you around like that.
Back to the show where Cena and Kennedy are still at it. The fight spills onto the apron where Kennedy delivers a DDT onto the edge of the ring. Kennedy slams Cena into the side of the ring afterward and rolls him back in for a two count. Kennedy delivers a neck breaker for another two. Kennedy stomps Cena into a corner for the running kick to the head. Why don’t people just lay down or something when people try that? There’s nothing keeping them there. Kennedy gets yet another two count and begins to deliver another one of those stupid looking headlocks where the person could clearly keep punching them straight on, but for some reason just doesn’t. Cena fights out and gets clotheslined for two. Give it up Kennedy, we all know how this is going to end. Kennedy tries his running kick in the corner again but Cena stands up and clotheslines him.
Cena with some of his general offense now, clotheslines, flashback and up top for the guillotine leg drop straight into the STF for the win. Winner: Cena
Cena points at the Mania sign like many of the others who do that. It’s ok guys, we know the damn sign is there. In the back, Maria is handing with Candice as they will be unveiling her playboy cover next. So be sure to either masturbate or take a snack break…or for you freaks who don’t wash your hands, both.
Random Commercial Thought: Run for your lives, it’s yet another “Based on a True Story” movie with more needless action for what would have been an otherwise good plot.
Welcome back to the show with King and the playboy logo in the ring before introducing Maria and Candice. Sometimes I forgot how hot Candice actually is. Oh fucking hell. Snoop Dogg is hosting the Bunny Mania match. What the fuck is wrong with these people? I refuse to recap this. So, now for something completely different.
Also Santino sabotaged things and they break up. I’m sure there’s a reality out there where I care. King ends up decking Santino for not leaving Maria alone. He even gets a Jerry chant. They also unveil a huge cover from the ceiling with fireworks. If only it had caught fire it would have been the best playboy segment ever. Oh, so her last name is Kanellis. JR pimps (haha, pimp) JBL and Finlay confronting each other and the main event as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: What ever happened to the male apocalyptic action star? Yeah it was nice to see a woman show up too, but it seems these days when not making a sequel to an already old and established series we can’t have men star in fucking action movies about the post-apocalyptic future anymore. What’s up with that bullshit?
Back to the show with something about a Nascar driver who hung out with Cena. Apparently he can do backflips. Off to ringside for a MitB qualifier. I would cry if it was Hornswoggle, thankfully it isn’t. Carlito will wrestle Cody Rhodes. Oh God, let Carlito win, please let Carlito win. Cody deserves to be in MitB as much as I deserve a million dollars for sitting on my ass.
Cody tries a swift roll up off the bat for a one count. Headlock from Cody and he knocks Carlito in the head, going for an inside cradle for two. Carlito rolls out into his own cradle for two and tries a backside for another two. Carlito tries to toss Cody to the floor but he skins the cat only to back up into a dropkick from Carlito for two. Carlito stomps Cody into the corner and sends him to another for chops to the chest and lefts in the face. Cody fights back with chops and rights but Carlito counters into a swinging neck breakers for two. Chinlock. I’m kind of overjoyed with how many fewer chinlocks the WWE seems to have implemented recently. Though I find it odd that we’ve more or less replaced them with even lamer looking moves. Carlito misses the Apple Jack when Cody grabs the ropes, rolling Carlito up as he falls on his back for two. Cody springboards out of the corner with a cross body for another two. Cody flips out of a suplex and counters a second one with an attempted sunset flip. Carlito sits on him for two when the ref sees him holding the ropes.
Cody rolls Carlito up then for two and Carlito eats yet another cross body for two. Cody leaps out of the corner now with a leapfrog over Carlito’s corner charge, but Carlito turns it into an Apple Jack for the win.
Surprisingly good match despite being heavy on the pin attempts. Savage/Steamboat this was not. Ha. Carlito reminds us the Mania sign is there before we see Mayweather grinning like a moron again at the camera since apparently his eloquence on the mic wasn’t good enough for us earlier. They plan to interview him again.
Random Commercial Thought: Less than a week until Smash Bros comes out. I’ll kill a man for it. Don’t think I won’t.
Back to the show where I immediately muted the television as Mayweather spoke. I couldn’t take it a second time, I’m pretty sure my head would have popped open like that guy from Scanners if I did. I can only assume it sounded like this: “Aw yea dawg, I dun know ‘bout dat, but I be Money Mayweather.” Or some bullshit. Off to other Titan of Talk Mike Adamle to introduce the Hall of Fame video as it counts down The Rock’s family and Flair before revealing the next inductee with Mike’s help. Mae Young. Help….me…..They have interviews with two dead hall of famers in Freddie Blassie and Moolah. For some reason we have to see her hand baby too.
Random Commercial Thought: Nothing typed by a thumb was ever important.
Back to the show. Who does Finlay’s theme music? Michael W . Smith? Finlay comes to the ring as Vince asks Finlay if everything is true and Finlay says it’s true he conspired to make everyone think Vince is Horny’s father. Finlay admits he’s really his father and proud of it. Vince says JBL could not be here tonight at the last minute. He probably didn’t want to get physically pulled into the vortex of SUCK. JBL appears on the titan tron saying it was more important he be here with his son in the hospital. Horny is crying like a girl. JBL sexually molests him, or at least that’s what it looks and sounds like with the caressing and saying he preys on the innocent. What is he, Hiedenriech? JBL says he will only fight him on his terms at Wrestlemania. JBL bitch slaps him for not saying hi. Do hospitals just let anyone in these days? JBL says nobody wants to see what he’s about to do and turns off the lights. Lots of rustling and screaming ensues in the dark. RAPE! Somebody call an adult!
Random Commercial Thought: I spent this commercial break watching Chris Masters take on Nine.
Back to the show for Cena at ringside with JR and Lawler for the Main Event. King makes a creepy comment about Orton wanting to devour John Cena. Trips is the last man out.
Tie up and Cena seems to be losing his voice, poor guy. Trips is forced to the corner where they break. Trips seems almost legit annoyed. Maybe Orton has bad breath. Oddly enough when they tie up the second time, Trips doesn’t even bother to put his arms into it making him look kind of lazy as Orton forces him to the corner. They break and Trips socks him in the jaw. Down the mat with a side headlock from the Game. Orton keeps forcing up but is taken back down over and over with side headlocks. Trips knocks Orton in the face and levels him with a shoulder block. When Orton tries a hiplock takedown, Hunter blocks and delivers a clothesline for two. Orton bombs a dropkick next and another two for Triple H. Orton is coming off like a total schlup here. Orton sends Trips to the floor and follows suit, but Triple H send him into the stairs face first. Orton catches Triple H with the inverted back breaker on the way in picking up a two count. Big Triple H chants.
Orton goes into stalking stomps and the knee drop to the head for two. A knee drop to the back follows for another two. Sometimes I think somebody has to wind Orton up like a toy before he wrestles with his jerking movements. I’m waiting for him to wind down in mid match one of these days. Triple H fights back and gets the face buster. He misses a clothesline but the Harley Race knee sends Orton to the floor. Trips knocks him against the barricade and sends him back in for a spine buster. Orton runs to the outside again and tries to fetch his belt. Cena gets mad as Orton is taking a walk so he confronts him on the outside. The Game comes from behind on Orton, sending him into Cena and slinging Orton, belt and all into the ring. Orton tries to use the belt but Triple H counters into a Pedigree. Cena comes from behind to stop the Pedigree, nailing Trips from behind.
Cena delivers an FU to Hunter and Orton RKOs Cena as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Carlito and Cody actually put on a decent match.
Lowlight of the Night: Mayweather can’t talk.
WWE “Creative” Award: What the fuck is with the midget? Cant we kill him off or something? Where’s a car bomb or a jacked up wrestler on steroids (I’m looking at you Finlay) when I need it?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
P.S. Oh christ, Casket Match between Henry and Taker instead. Why do you hat eme so wrestling gods?!
Show opens with theme and pyro into Celtic chants because when I think dead men from Arizona, I think Celtic chants. It zooms in on the casket ad then it’s to the ring with Ric Flair. He has something to say to Shawn about having his show stopped. Might as well stop it, looks like it’s been on slow motion for the past five years. Ric demands that they have the match still and that Shawn gives his all in their match because if Ric wins then that makes him the man (as opposed to The Guy, everyone wanna be The Guy). Shawn goes on to say he will not show pity because he’s been in the greatest wrestle mania moments in history. I can’t really remember many, but whatever. He says that at Wrestlemania he’s the man. Orton eventually comes out to reveal he’s in charge tonight and is making a Wrestlemania rematch of his own in Shawn Michaels and John Cena. JR and King are cut off in midspeech by a signal error and the signal comes back to Henry’s ugly ass face. Recap of the original casket match.
Random Commercial Thought: Viva Pinata!
Back to the show where Undertaker arrives, druids and all. It makes Henry’s shitty entrance look even worse than it actually is, which is pretty hard to do.
Undertaker vs. Mark Henry (Casket Match)
I keep wanting to check if this match is in slow motion or what. It doesn’t take long before we have ridiculous Old School going on. Undertake sends Henry to the floor, but Henry whips him into the security wall. Henry forgets what type of match this is and actually rolls back into the ring to restart the count like a dumb ass. Henry tries to throw Taker into the ring post, but Henry loses his grip and gets shoved into himself. Taker also forgets there are no count out and rolls back in for a second. Are these guys retarded? Henry eats casket but back in the ring catches Taker with a power slam. Taker decides to end our misery and drops Henry before kicking him off into the casket and slamming the lid.
Random Commercial Thought: I think WWE goes out of its way to get bad commercials.
Back to the show where we have a video package about Floyd Mayweather so I took the opportunity to get a soda. We then go to the back with Triple H in front of a generic blue screen. Trips says last year was supposed to be his rematch with Cena, and then he never got his rematch with Orton either as an eleven time champ even if he only had it for two hours. But Hey, one time Sting only held the Big Gold Belt for one hour. He tells Orton and Cena it will be game on as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Who is that guy on the Just for men box? John Legend?
Back to the show with a midget rape recap. Kennedy is out but as he grabs his microphone Finlay interrupts. When was this Wrestlemania match? JBL appears on screen to tell us not to start the match. Apparently JBL is accepting Finlay’s terms of their match being a Belfast Brawl, whatever the hell that is. JBL says he’ll put him in the hospital with Horny. The bell rings.
Finlay vs. Mr. Kennedy
Finlay is pissed and turns and beats Kennedy to a pulp with the stick.
Well that was fast. Kennedy continues to take a beating at ringside as Finlay just drags him around. I love how no one is helping Kennedy because apparently heels aren’t good enough for help. Eventually a couple of refs ward Finlay off. AS Finlay is being helped up the aisle Finlay attacks again and eventually knocks him out cold with a shot to the head.
Random Commercial Thought: Don’t talk to cartoons it’s bad for your health.
Back to the show where we get a recap of some press thing Cena did, I wasn’t really paying attention to it at all. Jeff is out to defend his title. God, what cesspool did he dig this new shitty music out of? Jericho is out next.
Chris Jericho vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title Match)
They stare off for a bit before they start to brawl after a bitch slap. Jericho stomps Hardy down and tries a slow motion dropkick that Hardy counters into a low leg drop to the midsection. Jericho sends Hardy to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Is the show over yet?
Back to the show where Hardy baseball slides Jericho through the ring ropes into the announce table. Hardy walks the security wall and Jericho dodges the dive, slamming Jeff’s head into the announce table hard. Ouch. Back in the ring Hardy kicks out at two and takes a back breaker. Jericho bends Hardy over his knee and not in the kinky bondage way. The crowd rallies for Hardy before he finally escapes before Jericho can drop a knee in his back while he hooked in the ropes. Hardy hit’s a flying forearm and the Whisper in the Wind for two. Jericho catches Hardy with a northern lights for two but Hardy reverses it into a backslide for two of his own. Jericho dodges the mule kick and goes up top. Jericho tries a cross body but Hardy rolls through into a two. Jericho counters the Twist of Fate and lands the lionsault for two.
Big chants now for Y2J Jericho stumbles awkwardly into a suplex attempt but counters it into the Walls, Hardy blocks with a cradle for two. Enziguiri hits nothing but air and Jeff hit’s the Twist of Fate. Hardy now up top but bombs the Swanton. Jericho up now and the Code Breaker gets three.
Jericho celebrates with his new title. Crowd seems completely confused by this. I have to agree as I can’t see the reasoning behind it beyond freeing Hardy up for a MitB win, but this does Saddle Jericho with being in the mid card for a long while now. We find out we’ll be seeing Kane get squashed by Triple H later tonight as well as a rematch that features the Iron Shiek and Nicolai Volcoff’s corpse. Oh crap.
Random Commercial Thought: Help….me….
Does Nikolai even know where he is right now? He needs his medication. We have to stop and salute while he sings. Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo the US Express are out. Somebody fucking kill me. Jillian Hall interrupts looking somewhat ridiculously hot. She says she knows the US Express came out to Born in the USA back then instead of this generic rock song so she will sing it since they can’t afford the rights to the song right now. Mike Rotundo shuts her off with an airplane spin. They decide not to have the match after all as one of those aforementioned gods winks at me. Mike Admale is in the back to recap the hall of fame and our new inductees, the Briscoes. Oh God.
Random Commercial Thought: If you’re a clepto, I highly recommend stealing something worth the effort.
Back to the show where we are gonna Light it Up in twenty days because we couldn’t afford a better song. Video package (no not a penis) of Big Show. And now, more video footage of Kane and Triple H at Wrestlemania. Orton approaches a pissed off Kane watching this to remind him that Triple H even unmasked him and made him his bitch (let’s not forget that bit with the humping of a dead corpse). Kane cuts him off at the bitch comment with a choke hold to say he remembers. Commercials! I hope you didn’t miss them.
Random Commercial Thought: The Ruins is shaping up to tbe yet another movie along the lines of The Cave and the Decent.
Back to the show where Triple H is here to try and top Undertaker’s entrance as best he can. I have to wonder what kind of Wrestlemania rematch night this is. Wrestlemania B Card night? The theme is eventually cut off by Kane’s.
Kane vs. Triple H
Tie up with Kane forcing Trips to the corner but he ducks out and turns the tables with a strike of his own. Kane gets pissed and throws Triple H back into the corner with a beat down, tossing him back out to the mat. Short uppercuts catch Triple H before Kane eats a knee in the face but just stands up and clotheslines. You know, Kane isn’t much taller than Triple H but they sure seem wanting to play up his size. Kane runs into an elbow in the corner and whips Trips into the oppsite corner, right over the turnbuckles and to the floor. Trips’ face meets the announce table, but he counters a whip into the ringpost to send Kane into it as JR seems completely incapable of calling this so King has to do it for him while JR is still stumbling over who did the move, Kane or Triple H. Back in the ring Kane is held over the ring apron while Triple H nails him in the face with elbows.
Big boot from Kane Triple H tries to rally back with punches and a face buster and Kane is still on his feet. Kane back body drops out of a pedigree as Orton comes to the ring entrance. Kane sets up for the choke slam but Triple H escape in mid toss. He stops the pedigree when he sees Orton and Kane nails a side slam. Kane misses the lariat and Triple H lands a pedigree.
Winner: Triple H
Orton shits his pants instead of a gym bag.
Random Commercial Thought: There is no country for Old Men. Not even that really crummy one. You know which one we mean.
Back to the show. We catch up with Cena in front of the same blue background as Trips about his thought son Mania. Not much you haven’t heard already. Rematch now of Melina and Ashley. CHRIST what is wrong with these people? Melina comes out with Beth in normal clothes. Melina says she was really looking forward to beating Ashley again tonight but since she is injured she can’t be here. She says it’s a typical playboy cover girl with nothing on the inside. Thank god. Instead she says it will be a Wrestlemania prematch with Maria and Candice now out. On their way out they unroll he cover again in case we forgot how bad it is. I almost had. Almost.
Melina w/ Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix vs. Maria w/ Candice Michelle
Melina kicks Maria low and dodges a head scissor handstand from Maria. Maria trips her up and flips over into a bridge for two. Melina kicks Maria in the jaw in the corner. Do they have to squeak as they fight? It makes them sound ridiculous. Santino is on his way out as Maria gets kicked in the cootch. Santino has his own Playboy and looks angry. Melina and Maria continue to pretend to wrestle. Melina misses a clothesline when Maria wasn’t even standing beforehand making the attempt look ridiculous. Santino tears up the Playboy in front of Maria on the apron and gets her caught in the split legged neck breaker thing that Maria does. I don’t even remember what it’s called.
Candice gets in Santino’s face and Beth knocks her out as he celebrates with the heels.
Random Commercial Thought: If I learned one thing from Thank You for Smoking, it’s that the very definition of freedom has something to do with ice cream.
My hopes are raised as we come back to Shane McMahon on his way out but only to find it’s because he’s introducing the Show/Mayweather weigh in. Booooring. Floyd apparently shops at “Generic Ghetto Clothing Inc.” Show apparently prefers to weigh in wearing wrestling gear. The crowd is really behind Big Show for this match up…oh wait, it’s NOT a match up, it’s a fucking WEIGH-IN. Apparently Floyd only weighs 159 pounds. Before he weighs in Show wants to bring out his own posse to match Floyd’s/ Apparently his posse is the entire WWE roster. Floyd gets pissed. Show says nobody likes him and threatens his career calling him the 20 Million Dollar man but he doesn’t move in slow motion. He smells his money and throws it around and starts talking to What chants. If you can say what Floyd does is talking. Just like how a baby making noises can be called talking. Show eventually tires of this and chucks Floyd over the ropes into the wrestlers who catch his fall. Pussy. The posse and Floyd escape up the aisle as Shane somehow gets knocked on his ass in the chaos.
Random Commercial Thought: The donut does not exist. Only the circularity of the donut exists.
Back to the show. Recap of what just happened. We go to the old generic blue screen again for Orton’s thoughts where he puts himself over generally well. Off to ringside for Edge and his clones (aren’t those illegal?).
Random Commercial Thought: Has this Raw set a record for commercials yet?
Back to the show and CM Punk is Edge’s opponent. Okay I definitely don’t think this was a Wrestlemania match was it?
World Heavyweight Champion Edge w/ Edge heads (on a pike?) vs. CM Punk
Edge is on the defensive at first, eating a lot of counters before catching Punk on the top rope and a dropkick to get himself two. CM Punk gets slung around like a rag doll for a little while, eventually reversing a suplex and going into some kicks and knee shots. Side dropkick gets a two count. Edge catches Punk with a DDT and nabs another two count, but Punk rallies, scooping him up for the GTS only for Edge Clone #1 to distract him. Punk runs him off and turns into a spear.
Random Commercial Thought: I have the power to kill a Yak…with mind bullets.
Back to the show. Regal is in the ring to roll some footage about how vicious Umaga is and how he is going to crush Batista. Apparently Umaga walked down that same hallway everyone else does in their return videos. I want to know where the fuck that dirty hall way is and how people keep finding it. Umaga comes out and Batista decides to make an appearance. Umaga and Batista brawl with Batista gaining the upper hand causing Regal and crew to hold Umaga back outside the ring. I’ve come to the conclusion that Batista keeps beating MVP every week because he walks through a mile of a pit of danger before he gets there and until MPVP gets something in his little inflatable that’s more dangerous he doesn’t stand a chance.
Random Commercial Thought: I like cheese still.
Back to the show where they tell us Floyd hurt his elbow. HAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!
Off to ringside for Shawn Michaels and Cena.
Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena
We pick up where we left off in this match with Cena overpowering Michaels early but Shawn working quick to trip him up after some shoulder blocks. Michaels slows things down with a side headlock that drags on seemingly forever. A shoulder block from Michaels and Cena jumps over his second attempt. Cena tries to leap frog again but Michaels stops and trips him going for the leg lock. Cena counters into the STFU but Michaels crawls to the ropes and then the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: House should have changed his name.
Back to the show where Michaels is starting to work the arm, stomping on it, trying to shut off the Cena offense. Cena brawls back and shoulder blocks through an arm drag attempt. Michaels tosses Cena to the floor afterward. Shawn catches Cena with a chop block when he tries to rally back, working the leg over on the ground. Cena powers out and tosses Michaels into the corner, braced over the turnbuckles. Cena tosses him back out and drops the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Michaels escapes the FU into a sunset flip. Cena counter by sitting down for two but Michaels rolls through for two of his own. Back up they get caught up and Michaels Russian Leg Sweeps as the standing ten count begins. Both are up and Michaels is on the offensive with chops. He continues his own generic assault now with the Manhattan drop and the scoop slam. Elbow lands, but Sweet chin music does not. Cena counters into the STFU but Michaels kicks free of locking it on and puts on his own leg hold. Cena makes the ropes and falls to the floor.
Michaels moonsaults off the middle rope to the floor and both men go down. The ref decides not to count them out I guess since he’s such a nice guy. They begin to punch each other out but Cena gets in a headlock only to be tossed into the ring post. Michaels is then suddenly shoved into the post seemingly of his own volition as the camera man was out of position to catch Orton coming from behind. Winner: Cena
After the match Cena tries to RKO Cena onto an opened chair in the ring but he’s tossed off onto the chair at the last second and takes an FU. After the match Triple H appears in the back to say he’s in charge and next week he has a show for us with Cena and Orton in the ring…as tag team partners against….the entire Raw Roster….lolwut?
Highlight of the Night: The Main event was a great match with a crappy ending.
Lowlight of the Night: Melina and Maria is not much of an improvement over Melina and Ashley.
WWE “Creative” Award: Of all the Wrestlemania rematches why would anyone choose to have one of them be a casket match between Henry and the Undertaker?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
The Road to Wrestlemania continues according to JR as theme and pyro ensue. This road needs a fucking shortcut. Jericho is in the ring in fancy dress to invite to the ring a sexy….belt. Apparently the belt has a gender. He makes mention of his record setting reign breaking…his own record. His next guest is Big Show. Big Show looks fucking hilarious as he comes out in bicycle shorts, boots and a Wrestlemania T-shirt. Jericho thanks him for giving them a clip from last week other than his face being used as a pinata (Viva La Big Show coming to 360 this fall). They replay Floyd flying like superman. Big Show says Jericho wouldn’t even be able to last two minutes with him so Mayweather doesn’t stand a chance. Y2J chants begin and Jericho says everybody still thinks Show is a jackass, just a jackass of a slightly smaller variety or as the Mexicans call it: a burrito. Jericho recaps his accomplishments again saying Mayweather will knock his teeth out of his jaw. Big Show calls him Napoleon. Big Show points out he’s the WWE equivalent of Floyd at being loud, disrespectful and in over his head. He challenges him to a title match tonight. Show brings in some real zingers as Jericho counters with some of his own and accepts the challenge.
I’m surprised Triple H didn’t make an appearance to say no titles are allowed to change hands on his show unless they are going to him. “In fact Jericho, fork it over, who said you could have that? Get back in your box!” He then delivers a slap and a kick in the ass. McMahon appears to talk about all the awesome stuff going on in his life before deciding to top it off by ending Ric Flair’s career himself tonight in a street fight. Because neither one really feels like wrestling, or whatever it is Flair’s been calling wrestling for the past five years.
Random Commercial Thought: If the cheese is stretching that far, it isn’t real cheese, spit it the fuck out.
Back to the show. You too can get the new Triple H DVD and bow down to his great name, since you might as well get a refresher course in his old reign of doom now. Off to ringside for CM Punk. He’ll be wrestling Carlito for some general filler like that white stuff in Oreos. They break down the match and make no mention of Hardy being mysteriously replaced now even though he’s on the cover of the Wrestlemania WWE Magazine issue.
CM Punk vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
They tie up and Carlito chucks Punk to the floor hard. Punk crawls back in and takes some rough lefts from Carlito. Dropkick to the head in the corner but when Carlito moves him to another corner, Punk blocks and fights back. Punk is sent out the apron and Carlito dodges a Sunset flip, clubbing him in the back of the head for two. Carlito works the back and tries to get some quick two counts before reverting to ye olde chin locke of olde. I kind of wonder why this match is even slow than Carlito’s match with Rhodes from a few weeks back. Punk escapes and chucks Carlito into the corner, running in and catching him with the Pepsi One for a two count. Pun goes to the apron and springboards off but Carlito dropkicks the gut for two of his own. Carlito tries the Apple Jack but Punk grabs the ropes to escape and scoops him into the GTS, only for Carlito escape into his old finisher of the swinging neck breaker, but it’s still only two. Carlito drags Punk up and goes to the apron, but Punk scoops him back up into the GTS.
Winner: CM Punk
We go to Snoop Dogg for his thoughts on Bunny Mania as I choose to not give a shit whatsoever.
Random Commercial Thought: The Truth needs to die now please.
Back to the show where Regal introduces Umanga who looks an awful lot like this Umaga fellow I know. They replay Umaga attacking Batista last week on Smackdown. Apparently he’s going to be playing the part of Triple H tonight and brushing Londrick.
Umaga vs. Londrick (Handicap Match)
He stacks them both on his back into a dual Samoan Drop after tossing them both aside from their initial assault. Umaga stomps them around into opposite corners for consecutive Ass Crashes, but Kendrick rolls to the floor before his connects. Kendrick is retardedly half-turned heel as boos rain down and he leaves London to get a Samoan Spike.
Triple H speaks with Regal about why Orton and Cena can’t turn on each other like Kendrick did. Trips says the stipulations are that if either one leaves they are kicked out of the match for the title at Mania. Regal asks why he wouldn’t just take the title from him. Trips says because he’s had the belt awarded to him in the past and there is no satisfaction in it. Bullshit. Bull. Shit.
Random Commercial Thought: Why the hell does this man look like a pinata?
Back to the show where Trips’ road to Wrestlemania is recapped as if we care and we go to Vince getting his star on the walk of fame. What the fuck? Was See No Evil that big of a deal? At least they put him next to Kermit the Frog. In the back Flair tells HBK to stay the fuck out of the way tonight because he doesn’t want to see him until Wrestlemania, so why he went into the locker room to begin with is beyond me.
Random Commercial Thought: If you’re a fan of horror, check out the After Dark Film Festival collection….if you’re a fan of GOOD horror, go check out Nightmare on Elm Street or something.
Back to the show for JBL coming to the ring in style. We see footage from Smackdown of Finlay trying to talk about his poor midget, but my give a shit is busted. JBL says Finlay he found a replacement Irishman for Finlay who is with Hornswoggle who is having complications. Colin Delaney.
Colin Delaney vs. JBL He doesn’t even have his straps up. He tries to give a tough shot to JBL and gets squished for his trouble. You know what happens. Ass beating…not raping you pervert.
JBL says Irish need not apply, like that has any bearing on their match whatsoever.
Random Commercial Thought: If your skin is breaking off like slate rock, you should see a doctor.
Back to the show. Flair is out followed by the totally not on any steroids, Vince McMahon. Totally.
Vince McMahon vs. Ric Flair (Career threatening Street Fight)
Vince gets countered easily with punches and stomped to the floor as Flair is having a good old time. Vince rolls to the floor and Flair follows, pouncing him onto the table and not in the sexual way. Flair’s arm seems to get tired as he is punching and just stops bothering to hide he’s not connecting. Vince gets chopped around and Vince then wanders off to the crowd, dumping himself to the floor. Vince is chopped about in the crowd and tossed back to ringside. Flair is sent head first into the ring post. Vince hits Flair in slow motion with a monitor and Flair is bleeding again, thus my friend Josh wins his bet for the night. Vince rolls Ric into the ring and picks up a two count. He tries again but still only two. Vince retrieves the trash can o’ junk from the ring and smashes Ric with it for another two.
Ric is trying out for a part in Masque of the Red Death now it seems. Vince ducks back down into his hammerspace and retrieves a Shinai. What the fuck is a shinai doing under a wrestling ring? Yet another incredibly bad looking slow motion shot. A couple more better looking shots follow and Vince still only gets two. Vince smacks him with a chair this time but Michaels drags the ref out at a two count before being told off by the ref. Vince grabs a table this time now. Vince gets several punches in the balls for his trouble and Ric put him on the table. Ric goes up top (What the fuck?) and does a….splash….through the table…wow….
Winner: Ric Flair
John Cena package (not a penis) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Fuck you snow dogs.
Back to the show with a CREEPY AS HELL up close of Jerry Lawler. He’s here to introduce Jarod from Subway and Jarod gives him a sandwich and drink….how the fuck did he sneak that into the arena and better yet how did he keep it warm? On second thought I don’t want to know. Jerry introduces a Maria match. Shit. She is accompanied by Maria and I’m wondering where the other half of Candice’s pants are. Jillian and Victoria doing her best impression of Marilyn Manson it would seem. Santino is out after everyone and spits at Maria’s playboy poster. Is Maria wearing a tube top over a bra?
Maria & Candice Michelle vs. Jillian Hall & Victoria
Maria pretends to wrestle with Jillian and delivers her hand stand kick in the face thing but it gets botched horribly. Victoria cheap shots from behind and tags in. Maria eventually escapes with an enziguiri and Candice attacks with clotheslines on her way in. Candice botches a dropkick and delivers a leap frog, flack back in the corner. She botches the dropkick again and attacks Jillian on the apron, allowing a back breaker from Victoria. Jillian tags in and goes for a 450 Splash (The FUCK?!) but Candice rolls out of the way, making her land on her feet and hurt herself. Candice then delivers an unprettier for the win. Winners: Candice & Maria
Post match Santino throws a hissy fit and calls the playboy girls cheaters and since King won’t shut up he splashes his Subway soda on him and punches Jerry into the floor. “haha! You lose!” he then returns to the desk and steals his sandwich declaring that he has his delicious sandwich now. Seriously. From Mario to Hamburgler. We somehow segue from this into a bunch of video packages about the Floyd and Big Show match.
Random Commercial Thought: If it’s engine sludge, why is it on the outside of the car?
Back to the show. We discover the next Hall of Fame inductee will be announced tomorrow because we need to boost the ratings….bad.
Back to the show, where when Jericho comes in and puts a leg over the rope, I swear to God the cameraman zooms in on his sparkling crotch and holds it there. Wow. What the fuck? Weeeeellll it’s the Big Show.
Big Show vs. Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho (Intercontinental Title Match)
Jericho strikes at the knees with kicks and runs into a boot to the face. JR masturbates to his favorite past time of talk about Big Show’s size. Show slaps the chest and knees Jericho in the gut. Jericho tries to fight back but when he comes running, he’s hoisted up and tossed aside. Show falls to the floor when Jericho pulls the ropes down. Jericho tries a baseball slide, getting caught by the legs and then slung into the security wall. Show walks over his stomach back in the ring and Show goes to the middle rope for a slingshot splash, but Jericho dodges. Jericho springboards up for a dropkick to the head and a lionsault. Big show throws him off and over the ropes to the floor at two. Jericho gets pissed, grabs his belt and gets himself DQed with a shot to the head. Winner: The Big Show
Show knocks Jericho flat with a right hand and Chokeslams before tossing the belt onto Jericho. Well…that was fucking pointless.
Random Commercial Thought: Fathers don’t let your daughters grow up to marry Itallian rapists.
Back to the show. Kim Kardashian is in the back with Big Dick Johnson and saying he can’t get into the show. She invites us, but unless she’s going to get the fuck over a table right now I don’t care. We see an Orton video package and then to the back with Cena and Orton saying they need to beat everyone’s ass. Orton says it’s obvious that Triple H is trying to hurt them. Orton says if they just take a dive though they’ll be fine. Cena says that plan is fine and says Orton can go lose if he wants, but Orton wants him to lay down instead. Cena says he isn’t a coward and won’t lose on purpose and refuses to do as he says because apparently he realized Champions don’t make the rules for matches unless they are Triple H. Speaking of whom he suddenly appears from nowhere to say that the match continues until they can no longer physically continue or have beaten every single one. He says he’s rooting for them.
Random Commercial Thought: Apparently Stacker2 gives you so much energy it will make you want to leap from a building wearing cool shades.
Back to the show. I call shenanigans in that if everyone is participating, then Ric Flair needs to wrestle and if he loses he should have to retire. Cena and Orton are out first and apparently it is tag rules. The highlanders still have jobs? Most anyone who isn’t a jobber is missing.
WWE Champion Randy Orton & John Cena vs. The Entire Raw Roster (2 vs. 17 Handicap Match)
Cena starts off with Snitsky and catches Cena with a clothesline as the crowd rallies for him. Santino tags himself in after Snitsky crushes Cena. Morella salutes and goes for like an elbow drop but Cena dodges and rolls him up for three to eliminate. Murdoch is in next with a neck breaker for two. I still complain that most of the important roster is missing. Cena locks on an STFU for the tap out on Murdoch as Orton stops Cade from breaking it up. Cena picks up the pin after Orton RKOs Cade. Orton helps Cena up and Umaga double clotheslines them.
Random Commercial Thought: Super Smash Bros Brawl is your God. Bow to it.
Back to the match. JBL is knocking Randy Orton around and delivers a Russian Leg Sweep for two. During the break Super Crazy was eliminated with an Rko because nobody would miss him. Hacksaw is in with some punches and Cody Rhodes tags in to stomp the shit out of Orton. Paul “I’m not fucking my sister” Burchill attacks next then trades out with Venis. Much of the same and then Carlito for stomps. Holly is in next for even more stomps. Robbie is in but the inverted back breaker stops him and Cena launches the top rope guillotine leg drop for three. DH Smith is in but takes a proto bomb and the five knuckle shuffle. FU eliminates Smith. Orton back in with a tag and an RKO on Burchill. Val attacks but Orton ducks into an RKO on Venis for another three. Cody is caught in a cross body by Cena who throws him into an RKO. Everyone left attacks Cena and Orton in a rage and the ref DQs them I guess.
Winners: Cena and Orton
Cena grabs a chair from ringside and starts cleaning house but Umaga knocks him flat and JBL grabs the chair. Umaga holds Orton for a chair shot but JBL clubs Umaga on accident when he ducks. Umaga delivers a spike to Orton then chases JBL down the ring aisle leaving Cena and Orton knocked out in the ring. Trip’s music plays since we missed him but he’s in ring gear. Trips was kind enough to apparently cover himself in water (or some mysterious liquid) before coming out. He drags Orton up into a pedigree. Cena stumbles up next and takes one as well. He put on tights for that? Triple H grabs the belt and plays around with it as we go off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Jericho and Big Show verbal showdown ties with Santino kidnapping a sandwich.
Lowlight of the Night: Londrick buried further for no reason.
WWE “Creative” Award: Jericho needs an apparent attempt at a heel turn…why?
Theme and pyro lead us to ringside for a Cena entrance. Lots of foam knux in the crowd today. Cena calls what we've gone through a Cornucopia of Wrestletainment...the fuck? He starts pimping Wrestlemania while I get up to make myself a cheeseburger. When I come back, The Big Show is walking down the aisle to get in the ring, which is what people usually walking down the title do. Show says it doesn't matter who wins that match because the only reason this Mania will go down in history is because he will be ending Mayweather's Boxing career because everyone wants him to do it. He says him knocking out Mayweather will replace Hogan Slamming Andre and we now have more cowbell as JBL arrives. JBL seems to be suffering from a delusion that everyone will remember his midget raping storyline. Cena mentions kicking JBL's ass a long time back saying those were good times. Orton arrives to talk in slow motion. Orton says nobody thinks he is going to retain which is how he likes because he feeds off it. Like a scavenger. Kind of like how he does for heat as well.
It's Umaga's turn now. Umaga stalks around, grabs Orton's microphone to actually talk! Well at least he said Batista anyone. The rest is utter gibberish channeled straight from the Great Khali. He starts to leave and Cena says he is fluent in Samoan saying that he basically called Orton a weird guy who listens to boy bands and likes sperm whales. Cena is eventually interrupted by Trips. Trips pimps his new T-shirt. Looks like the same generic skull shit he keeps putting out. He says there is one reason they are all here and it is because of the WWE title. I thought it was because he fucks the boss' daughter. He says that when Orton, Cena and Trips the three biggest stars in the business get in the ring at the same time they would blow off the roof so the bowl has none. Lame. He says that the King of Kings will go back on his
throne. Space Jesus?
They all start to fight so Regal interrupts them and pits JBL, The Big Show, Orton and Umaga against Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, Trips and Cena tonight.
Random Commercial Thought: Axe sadly cannot be used to cleave your foes in twain, but it will leave you smelling sharp.
Back to the show where they show Shawn saving Ric from Vince last week. For some reason him going through the table is in black and white because Blood is damaging to my young psyche. Off to ringside for Jericho who will be teaming up with CM Punk to take on MVP and Carlito. MVP decided not to drag around his ridiculous inflatable.
CM Punk & Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho vs. MVP & Carlito Caribbean Cool
MVP and Punk start off with CM Punk slamming him around and kicking his lights out. Punk tags out to Jericho as MVP rolls to tag in Carlito. Jericho starts to wail on Carlito until he's sent face first into a turnbuckles, but a back body is countered into a front suplex that leaves Carlito hanging on the top rope to be caught by the springboard dropkick. MVP runs from Jericho to the floor as well as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: We should bet on when terminal patients are going to die.
Back to the show where Carlito and Jericho are still tangling. Jericho trips Carlito up on the middle rope and rides him from behind. (Not that way you perverts). A neck breaker leaves Carlito reeling while Jericho scoop slams him and misses a lionsault. He lands on his feet though and tries the Walls but MVP comes in. Jericho drops Carlito and puts the Walls on MVP instead. CM Punk decides to be a jackass and leave Jericho to be hit from behind by Carlito. MVP nails Jericho around on the floor while the ref is distracted by Carlito. Back in the ring, Carlito picks up a two count. Carlito works him over for a bit before MVP tags in and lands a knee drop for two.
Head crank or Orton lock or whatever you like to call it here. Jericho dodges a running kick in the corner, hanging MVP up by his foot. Jericho clobbers MVP and crawls to a tag. Punk in now to knocks MVP dead with a kick. Powerslam picks up two. I like how Punk has to tug up his skivvies after every move. Get better pants. The Pepsi One in the corner hits MVP but Carlito gets in the corner, only to be sent to the floor. MVP dodges a springboard from the apron and goes for the pin. Jericho breaks it up and brawls but when he tries the running enziguiri, MVP ducks and it catches Punk. MVP sneaks the pin.
Winners: MVP & Carlito
Pimping for the main event and off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Is that creepy ass Jack in the Box guy going to put my hand in a bucket of water?
Back to the show where Kennedy pimps himself since he didn't get a match to put himself over tonight. Not like he's going to win, but it's nice to dream I guess. Video package for Flair with his biggest quotes and matches, most of them really bad WWE matches actually. But some of the NWA and WCW stuff is there. He even wrestles Kenny in one. HA!
Random Commercial Thought: I hope you really like these. Since there seems to be a lot of them
Back to the show where they run a package on The Big Show training for Mania. We then go to ringside for Hardcore Holly who for some reason is being put in the ring with The Great Khali to torture us I think.
Hardcore Holly vs. The Great Khali
Khali just shrugs off Holly's strikes and throws him into the corner. Holly is crushed in the corner with rights and kicks. Khali clubs him back down to the mat before setting up for.some kind of gay nerve hold. Anyway you know how this goes. General slow motion offense from Khali with a big shop to end it.
Tell you the truth I didn't even watch that match. Somebody who did, please tell me if I got it right. I'm pretty sure it really was just that predictable. Moving on!
Random Commercial Thought: Marihuana will make me burn a guitar?
Back to the show. I've always wanted to know why Ric Flair's entrance theme is also the theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey. Ric is out to the ring as he complains that Michaels had to help him win the match and he's pissed off now for not listening to him. Michaels arrives and says he was just being Ric's back up since the dirtiest player in the game should always have back up. Ric tells him to shut up when he tries to count down all the great things about him. Ric says it is because of guys like Shawn that he doesn't need anyone to tell him who he is and he's feeling pretty good. He shows off the NWA World Heavyweight Championship that he won in 1981. Damn that belt is almost pitifully small. It looks like a toy. Flair rants like the Iron Sheik on crack now. Shawn guarantees Ric will get what he wants then. He then stops Flair from leaving to compare him to Old Yellar. Does that mean we have to hear a campy tune? Flair strips his shirt and stomps his belt, kicking it to the floor. He bitchslaps Shawn for the comment. Ouch. Pride obliteration. Another bitchslap follows as Flair calls him out to take him behind the woodshed right now. They didn't take Yellar behind a shed, they shot him in the pen. Shawn walks off, saying he'll put him out of his misery.
Mayweather training video. I like how he says he's stronger mentally and he can't even talk for Christ's sake. He also beat up a Big Show action figure. Wow.
Random Commercial Thought: Finally the fucking Mist movie is coming out on DVD. I need to get me some of that shit.
As Maria comes out they announce that Candice lied and will not be in the Bunny Mania match which features fewer bunnies than ever. Haha! She will apparently be facing Melina who is apparently a plural according to Lillian.
Melina strikes hard and early but Maria catches her with a dropkick in the corner. Melina distracts the ref as Beth tosses her from the turnbuckle. Suddenly Ashley arrives in the ring. Oh fuck. Help me. Santino comes to the ring as fights with all four girls before King comes in. King and Santino brawl and the heels are kicked to the curb. Regal arrives and changes the match. Fuck.
Random Commercial Thought: I'll stop the world, but I'd rather not melt with you, it's messy.
Back to the show the match already in progress.
Jerry Lawler & Maria & Ashley vs. Santino Morella & Melina & Women's Champion Beth Phoenix (Intergender Tag Match)
Lawler is on the ground and Morella is coming off the top but King catches him with a shot to the gut. King continues to punch Morella around and gives him a reverse manhattan drop. Santino casually turns and walks to a tag for Melina. Melina dares King to hit her as he is allowed to but he chooses to tag in Ashley. Ashley strikes hard as JR says it's nice to see her back. I can only assume he hallucinating a more talented wrestler in her place. Ashley sends Melina to the corner, tagging in Maria for a bronco buster. Melina takes a kick to the gut and the handstand kick. Beth tags in and crushes Maria with a sit down spine buster. Very nice looking. Santino demands a tag and taunts Maria into the corner before preventing the tag to Lawler. He trades words with Ashley and turns to a slap from Maria. Ashley and Maria are both in, slapping him in the corner. He runs to the floor where Lawler punches him around. He tries to escape to the crowd but it's a no go. This match is almost painful it didn't have tits to save it. Maria gets clubbed from behind by Beth and Melina so Santino slides in and steals the pin.
Winners: Melina, Santino & Beth
In the back Cena is telling some dumbass story to Rhodes and Val. Trips comes ad gets in his face as Venis and Rhodes try to talk but they are unimportant so they just walk away. Trips says it's been burning a hole in him that he lost to Cena but he knows he's the better man, not Cena. He's also pissed that Cena is always standing in his way still. Cena has some words of his own, but really this is all the same promos they've both been cutting for weeks. Sometimes I think the road to Wrestlemania is just too damn long and somebody needs to build either a short cut or a fast lane.
Random Commercial Thought: The house market is down. This does not refer to the TV show.
Back to the show where John Legend speaks to us, because you know.like nobody here probably even knows who he actually is. Uncultured schmucks. Recap of the WWE Hall of Fame before saying we'll get one more official induction tomorrow night on ECW in another attempt to boost that show's pitiful ratings. After they get done running down the Mania card (My GOD it's terrible) we are off to ringside for the entrances to our main event.
Random Commercial Thought: Where all da white women at?
Back to the show. It takes another ten full minutes for some of these people to drag their asses out for this match.
Shawn Michaels & Triple H & Ric Flair & John Cena vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton & The Big Show & JBL & Umaga
Shawn Michaels starts us off with Orton. They trade lame offense with each other but suddenly in mid-match Finlay's music plays. Finlay, stick in hand, meet JBL on the entrance ramp and they brawl as we go to commercial. Damn Irish.
Random Commercial Thought: Sometimes they come back.for donuts..and coffee.
Back to the show where Umaga is "lolpwning" Shawn Michaels in the corner. He tosses him down for an Ass Crash and has it set up for the Samoan Spike when suddenly Batista decides to show up. Batista and Umaga brawl on the floor with Umaga now being dragged off as the faces have the heels heavily outnumbered. Yeah fuck DQs apparently. Shouldn't he at least be counted out for being the legal man? The Big Show tosses Michaels across the ring and flair tags in but gets knocked down with one right. Trips and Cena are knocked to the floor before Flair starts chopping Show around. Show just bench presses him up and then down. Show continues to own everyone and when Orton comes into the mix, he eats a choke slam for his efforts. Show just decides to ditch them all and leave Orton to be destroyed. Cena is pushed aside by Triple H who tries a pedigree but Orton tosses him aside and locks on an STFU. Trips breaks it up and leaves Orton to Flair who looks for a Figure Four. Shawn knocks Flair flat and sets up his own leg lock but Flair knocks him in the balls and puts the Figure Four on. Orton flails like a wet fish.
Winners: Flair, Cena, Trips & Michaels
What the fuck just happened?
Highlight of the Night: Tag Team Match between the MitB participants was rather good. Makes me miss Hardy though.
Lowlight of the Night: Clusterfuck main event in all its glory.
WWE "Creative" Award: Ashley tossed into Bunny Mania. Damnit. From one injured Diva to another. I must have done something wrong. And what is with her not ever actually wrestling in any of her matches?
Welcome back to the Best Damn Raw Rant period. I hope you all enjoyed Wrestlemania last night as apparently they brought a brand new meaning to "Blowing off the roof" when the pyro's exploded and injured forty people. Now that's interactive entertainment.
Show opens with a recap of Ric eating a super kick at Wrestlemania in slow motion and then Shawn Michaels leaving while the crowd cheers on Ric. He even got to make out with some hot blonde chick.or was that his daughter or something? Whatever. Apparently last night's incident doesn't stop them from blowing up the stage once again. There's a retard dressed like Hogan in the front row. JR tells us tonight will be Ric's farewell address. But First. John Cena! Ha..hey where are you going?
John Cena doesn't even come out instead we switch to Triple H and then Orton music before Orton shows up as someone holds up a sign that says "Anyone but Orton." Yeah, Stevie Richards for WWE Champion. Orton says everyone was talking about who was going to beat him and not whether or not he would win. He says we have no choice but to show him respect. Was this promo pre-recorded by Microsoft Sam and then he just lip syncs to it? Orton lists the people he owned. Orton is interrupted eventually by JBL, whom I am actually happy to see here. I do hope midgets have been laid to rest with their overweight Irish fathers. JBL says Cena and Triple H don't deserve a championship match but on the other hand he does. He calls Orton's match a pathetic win and that he was lucky. Yeah, lucky some retard on staff like him. JBL recounts his title reign and his win last night, saying his victories are decisive and Orton can't beat him and never will be able to. He declares his candidacy for number one contender. Do we get to vote on that. JBL says if the people don't like Orton they will hate him. He then leaves and leaves Orton to whine and cry in the ring by himself. Orton calls himself the most successful champion this show has ever seen and is then tackled from behind by Matt Hardy. Well that was different. Hardy kicks his ass until the ref hold him for Orton to take a cheap shot. Jackass refs.
Random Commercial Thought: Ocean's 12 is a pile of shit. End.
Back to the show where Hardy and Regal are screaming at each other. He says he wants Orton for what he did to him during Hardy's challenge and Regal says he will have to think about it. Now for something completely different. Rednecks and..Cryme Tyme? The fuck? Who rehired them? Big Pop for Cryme Tyme. God damn I'm suddenly happy. I guess they need to flesh out that tag team roster for Smackdown vs. Raw 09. JR recaps the history between these too teams as Brooklyn chants rain down. I wonder if they'll finally cash in that number one contender's match they won.
Cryme Tyme vs. Cade & Murdoch Shad and Cade start off with Cade beginning aggressively on Shad, getting pretty rough. Shad ducks a clothesline and levels Cade before scaring Murdoch off to the floor. Stalling scoop slam and tag in to JTG. JTG gets on Shad's shoulders and is sling shotted onto Cade for two. Cade tries an Oklahoma roll for no count. Cade levels JTG with a clothesline and tags in Murdoch. Murdoch in with some stiff shots now. Cade is back in and double team begins. Murdoch tags back in for Cade to lift him up and drop him in a leg drop for two. JTG gets hammered down in the corner but dodges a corner charge rolling Murdoch up for the three.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
Ah good to see them back. Murdoch is giving Cade a cussing while he looks constipated. Video package of one of Flair's NWA cage match with Harley Race for the title. Shot of Michaels in white business cowboy gear walking through the back. JR says he will pour his heart out live when we come back. I can only assume he then plans to turn a white pallor and die from lack of blood.
Random Commercial Thought: Why is it that some jackass always decides April Fools started the day earlier just to be like "Hey this will REALLY trick them!"
Back to the show with HBK. He tells us he is feeling a lot of emotions right now. As well as this itchy burning in the crotch.but that's for another time probably. He says none of the emotions are good. At least he won a match at Wrestlemania, he doesn't usually. There's a very pathetically small HBK chant. He tries to save his face status by saying he has too much love and respect for Ric to give anything less than his A game and he pulled the trigger last night. Fuck you old yellar. He calls Ric the greatest wrestler who ever lived and his career is over because of him and it's a burden. Not a burden like, fucking over one of the other greatest wrestlers to ever live. Nothing like that at all. He sarcastically calls himself lucky and leaves. We will see Punk and Jericho go one on one later tonight as this night just gets better and better and they confirm Hardy's match with Orton later as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Putting on a mask does not turn you into a ninja or give you magic flip powers. But damned if it doesn't make you look cool.
Back to the show with the music from the superstars on the new soundtrack. There's a shitty new cover of No Chance in Hell and Jillian Hall's theme is on this one. Skip this one. Skip it god please. Shawn runs into Regal in the back who says he thinks it was something he had to do and should have been done a long time ago. Batista is creepy stalking Shawn in the corridor for seemingly no reason. The fuck? To ringside for Londrick. They're doomed. They got no entrance.
Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly vs. Londrick (Non-title Match)
Rhodes starts off with Kendrick and forces him into the corner. Clean break and we get some dancing. Cody works a hammerlock and Kendrick backflips out into an arm wrench but is killed by an Orton lock. Cody shoulder blocks and eventually runs himself into a cruddy slam by London. Holly tags in and scares off Kendrick so London is in now. London catches Holly off guard with a hard shot and goes to town but holly clobbers him with one shot before sending him to the corner. The stiff chops send London flying over the ropes and to the floor ridiculously. London is tossed back in and worked over more with a double suplex as Cody comes in for two.
London rolls through a cross body by Cody and gets two. He backflips out of a slam attempt and tags in Kendrick. Kendrick lands some flipping dropkicks on Cody, sending Holly to the floor. Cody nails a bulldog on Kendrick, but London runs in and drags him off, pulling the ropes down to send Holly over the ropes to the floor. London is clothesline by Rhodes to the floor but Kendrick comes from behind to roll through into a bridge on Rhodes for the win.
More Ric Flair footage, did you forget he's retired now? Ricky Steamboat and Flair at Wrestle War '89. Badass match. Steamboat was always awesome. Worth looking that match up.
Random Commercial Thought: In the future there will 23 Law and Order shows.
Back to the show where we have one of the bands who did one of the shitty Wrestlemania themes. Highlight reel of the show. You know if I didn't know better I would say a Belfast Brawl is just a street fight..nah. 74,635 fans.minus 40 or so whom we maimed. Whoops. Back to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Do not stand in the way of a runaway hotdog.
Back to the show where we are going to get right into our next match.
Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk (Non-title Match)
Punk and Jericho trade off kicks to the leg, but Jericho gets a kick in the back on Punk and works him to the ground. Crowd rallies for Punk. Jericho keeps him down with a shoulder block. Quick exchange with Jericho trying a rollup for two but Punk rolls through for two more. Backslide attempt by Jericho. Punk lands a low kick. Big Y2J chants now. Punk on the offense, slamming Jericho to the mat and dragging him up for more strikes. Jericho counters a back body with a kick to the face and a clothesline for two. Where do these guys go to educate their feet, JR? Is there a college for this? Dueling chants for both begin. Jericho and Punk are both up and brawling with Punk eating a knee to the gut that sends him head over heels. Jericho picks up a two count off a senton. Jericho continues to kick Punk in the chest as I ponder why Punk, is so strait edge but chooses to look like the most likely guy to be on drugs.
Jericho bombs the springboard dropkick when Punk ducks. Jericho seems to have busted his face hard and checks for blood after sending Punk to the floor. Jericho slides out with a baseball slide, but Punk dodges and round kick him in the face. Back in, Punk hits a flying forearm to the back of the head off the top. In the corner, Punk run into a foot and now Jericho bombs the lionsault. He lands on his feet but Punk how attacks, hitting the Pepsi One in the corner. Jericho counters the bulldog follow up and tries a clothesline but Punk scoops him up for the GTS. Jericho slips free into The Walls but Punk twists the legs to send Jericho off. Jericho leaps up into a Code Breaker for the win.
Random Commercial Thought: We need more commercials like these. I won't tell you which ones they were. I'd rather you guess.
Back to the show where Big Show arrives to mock Mayweather and then speak about Flair. He says Ric told him he was the greatest big man he's ever been in the ring with and almost cracks. He says he will go back to doing what he does best and no one can stand up to him one on one.oh god please no don't say.Khali's music plays. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Add fifty more fucks to that. King says this is like Godzilla and King Kong. I remember that movie. Turned out King Kong gets moon powers. What the fuck. Big show tells him to back up out of his face and then drops the microphone and is ready to go. They end up getting in each others faces again. Show's Gonna Kill you chants begins and Khali leaves to a lot of boos. Khali has some huge fucking chest zits. Or are those moles? Maybe they're spores through which he reproduces his young.
Replay of hardy attacking Orton.
Random Commercial Thought: Typos kill?
Back to the show where Santino is working out and Maria confronts him wanting to know why they are having this anything goes match tonight. She begs him to stop him after beating her two weeks in a row. Morella complains that he wasn't MitB because he's stuck with the lowest form of sports entertainment: WWE Divas. Well that is true. He says Divas shouldn't even wrestle but should stay home cooking pasta, making babies.and defeating evil hammer throwing turtles that live in the pipes. She bitchslaps him when he suggests sex instead of fighting and he tells her to have it her way. Cool, just like Burger King.
To ringside for Orton and Hardy.
WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Matt Hardy (Non-title Match)
Hardy starts off fast, slamming Orton around and chasing after Orton from a back body to kick him hard in the gut. Orton flies out of the ring to the floor where Hardy sends him into the barricade. He then spears Orton back into the wall again and hammers Orton against the edge of the ring. Orton is tossed back into the ring and catches Hardy on the top rope, but Hardy block and does it to Orton instead. Hardy drops an elbow for two. That's how you get revenge. Brutally beat a man and then casually lay on him for three seconds. Hardy continues to control with a clothesline for another two. Orton rolls to the floor but Hardy follows and slams his face into the TOTALLY LEGAL steel steps. I think it should always be referred to that way now. In completely caps before you say steel steps. Back in the ring Hardy picks up two with a neck breaker.
Hardy gets some big crowd support now while being slung around, catching Orton with a reverse elbow. Hardy goes up top but jumps off into a knee to the face as we go to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: What the hell is the word anyway?
Back to the match where Hardy is in the traditional Orton chinlock suite. Hardy tries to fight back out of the corner but Orton stops that and puts him on the top. Hardy elbows Orton off of him and moonsaults for two. Hardy with a bulldog off of a clothesline in the corner for two. I still have yet to understand why JR needs to call it a bulldog headlock. Side effect gets another two. Hardy setting up for the Twist now but Orton counters into an uppercut. Another uppercut but Hardy counters it into a backslide for two. Hardy up to the middle for the leg drop but Orton rolls to the floor. Hardy decides to leap out to the floor and clobber Orton there. That works.
Twist of Fate crushes Orton on the floor and Hardy seem to be thinking about this looking at the ref, dragging Orton to the ring. He rolls a lifeless Orton int the ring who spring up with an RKO for three. Gay. Winner: Orton
I'm not going to go into how little sense that makes. Dusty Rhodes talks about Flair in the way only the brain rattles Rhodes can: completely incoherently.
Random Commercial Thought: Can Mexican food ever not have hordes of fucking peppers in it?
Back to the show. JBL approaches Orton in the dressing room. Does anybody actually ever lock the doors to those things. He picks up the belt and stares at it until Orton takes it and grunts like a caveman. No dialogue. Off to Maria for some good old woman-beating. That's what I'm talking about. ..What? King has been banned from the anything goes match. Better hope old Snoopy drags his black ass out here.
Maria vs. Santino Marella (Anything Goes Match.except King, he doesn't go)
Santino ties up and slams her face first to the match as the entire locker room of Divas start to file out and come tackle him like he's the guy from an Axe commercial. Damn Mickie looks hot. They lift him up in a spirit squad finisher and Mario buries her face in his crotch for the pin.
Well that was disturbing. How did this match get higher billing than Orton's again? Oh right, tits. I forgot.
Random Commercial Thought: This commercial is a lie. Everyone knows women can't read.
Back to the show. Recap of Flair losing and it is off to ringside for slick Ric. He tells us last night was his last match he will never ever wrestle in this ring again. They'll have to build a new one. One with softer mats for his delicate skin. He says nobody should be sad. And be rejoicing that he has had the greatest wrestling career in the history of pro-wrestling and even though he lost he lost to a great wrestler and better man. That second part may be debatable but we'll roll with it. "Thank you Ric" chants. Ric thanks everyone for the memories and support and making him who he is today. Since the day we raised him in a little test tube. He's grown up so much. Triple H interrupts the exit. Trips says he is wrong if he thinks these are the only people who want to say thank you (Ric is crying now), he's got another thing coming. Trips gives him a hug and says he had to come out to tell him something from the bottom of his heart (thus leaving it covered in blood), that he loves him and thanks him. Aw. Trips gives a bow and says a few other people wanted to say thank you.
He says ever since he talked to this one group his hand has been cramping up with just four fingers out. The Four horsemen theme plays as Ric breaks down. From Windham to Anderson, it's the four horsemen. Wow Arn has really lost weight. And most of his hair. But he never had much in that department. Next up is Batista. What the fuck, is he the terminator now? What is with that outfit? Batista lifts Ric up off the ground for HUGGLES..because animals don't give hugs. Holy shit it's fucking Ricky the Dragon. With considerably more plaid than I remember. Harley race gets assistance from two divas to come to the ring. Greg Valentine, whom I was not aware is alive, is next up. I the crowd has grown more and more silent as I think they don't really know who these guys are but fuck them. Dean Malenko as "another horseman". I think we'll ignore some of the other people who were horsemen at the same time as Dean. Jericho is next. John Cena gives a salute and a wink before heading down. They talk about something during their hug but we don't get any of it. Ric's family is last.well, not last. We still have HBK.
Trips talks about how awesome Shawn and Ric's matching watches are. Trips just has everyone else come out together because they aren't important. Why is Finlay wearing the ugliest shirt ever created? Looks like it was made from remnants of old sheets. And I'm not sure I'd want Hornswoggle out there, but it's all good I guess. The locker room starts a Thank You Ric chant. We spend a log time on the celebration as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Some great matches but you can't top the emotional impact of the retirement ceremony.
Lowlight of the night: Khali vs. Show scares me shitless. Please tell me that is an April Fool's.
WWE "Creative" Award: Hardy losing is fine, losing in a weird, stupid manner when he could have taken a count out makes no sense.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).