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WWE RAW RANT: (03/05/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the Raw Rant where what we call effort is also sometimes referred to as half-assing. To which I say, who measured my ass to give you that calculation you freaking pervert! In case you missed it last night Deal or No Deal's featured contestant was WWE Sign Guy who's name is utterly unimportant, but suffice to say he sucked, but Edge and Orton were there but they got ran off by Cena and....Bobby Lashley?! WTF?

Raw 03.05.07

The show opens with Shawn Michaels stretching in the back when Cena comes to wish him good luck against Orton. They are going to fight Rated RKO. Cena walks off after they wish each other luck then comes back to voice his concern about betrayal by Shawn. they go on to discuss it when suddenly....it's gets CUT OFF by a Soprano's commercial! What the Fuck?! (Commercial may vary on area)

Random Commercial Thought: You don't get much more fucking random than THAT.

All of a sudden we are back again in the middle of JR introducing us while Shawn is already making his entrance. Orton comes to the ring with Edge, but Michaels doesn't have Cena, he refused the help apparently.

World Tag Team Champion Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton w/ Edge

Michaels starts out strong, keeping a quick offense up with clotheslines, chops and a back body. He clotheslines Orton to the floor who crawls back in and eventually catches Shawn with a boot to the face. Michaels tries to rally back, but eats a thumb to the eye. He hits a knee lift on Orton who proceeds to back body drop him tot eh floor while we go back to our regularly planned commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: All candy bars should warrant dramatic unveilings.

Back to the match. Orton has Shawn in a Boston crab so I leave to get some snacks. When I get back, Shawn has escaped and is getting punched on the ring apron, so Orton pushing him into the hang up DDT. Shawn goes to a corner, eats an INCREDIBLE standing dropkick from Orton. He knees Michaels in the back of the head and picks up a two count. Shawn gets put in the dreaded headlock (take a shot) but he escapes with a back body. Shawn recovers as does Orton and he hits the flying shoulder block into the nip up. Typical Shawn offense, and I gotta say he and Cena go well together in that regard. Shawn hits the elbow, but of course, the Sweet Chin Music is blocked and turned into an RKO. Shawn pushes Orton out of the RKO and into the ref so he comes back to clothesline him. Edge grabs a belt and Orton goes to get it, but Shawn rolls him up from behind for three.

Winner: Michaels

Edge and Orton attack Shawn after the match and Cena saves him from a conchairto. JR and King pimp the Special Guest referee announcement and I can already tell you who it is....*drumroll*.......Anna Nicole Smith! SWERVE! She didn't die! Why else would Hogan be at her funeral, other than to be part of the clever WWE cover up to the faking of her death. Take that CNN!

Random Commercial Thought: I like pie (not really)

Back to the show and they have more Foley Pimping, I've always wondered why he never teamed up with the Godfather. They replay Lashley bursting through the steel cage like the black She-hulk. We then go to the back with Vince telling Estrada he wants to see what Umaga can do tonight by destroying Jeff Hardy again. Coach then asks Vince about who the guest referee should be. He says the Board of Directors do whatever he suggests to kiss his ass so he says it should be someone dependable like Shane McMahon. We go to ringside with Jeff, followed by Umaga.

Jeff Hardy vs. Intercontinental Champion Umaga w/ Estrada (Intercontinental Title Match)

Jeff tries to start out smart by dodging a corner charge by Umaga by diving out of the way. He crawls to the floor, luring Umaga out while darting around and back in. Hardy hits a slingshot dropkick then slings himself over the top onto Umaga. He sends Umaga into the ring steps then hits a flying clothesline. Back in the ring, Jeff lands a low dropkick to the head, but Umaga clotheslines him dead. Umaga drops his fat ass on Jeff's chest by bouncing off the ropes then drags Hardy up while the crowd rallies for him. Jeff attacks with right and hits a jawbreaker that doesn't even move Umaga. He gets squished yet again by a clothesline from an arm "The size of an oak tree branch" according to JR. Jeff is set up in the corner in the Tree of Woe and Umaga hits the running headbutt to crush him. Umaga then places Jeff up for the Ass Crash and nails it as well. Samoan Spike follows to finally end this.

Winner: Umaga

After the match they run a video segment recapping the Trump/McMahon feud and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don't think a bunch of high school and college kids are really grilling "experts" at Chili's.

Back to the show. they run a segment where celebrities are interviewed on who would be better bald, Trump or McMahon. I think I nodded off. We then go to the back with Melina warming up...PUNCH HARDER! PUNCH HARDER DAMNIT!

We then go back to Carlito and Flair talking about their MITB match tonight so they tell Tard why they both deserve to be in it. Flair wants him to bring it and the echo is so fucking BAD during this it's like that fucking announcer voice from the Mortal Kombat techno song. Vince is in the back and all like "Where you at Dawg?" trying to find out how the vote will go. He is pleased with the result and says Coach resembles the picture of Trump on his wall as we go to commercials again because we missed them so much.

Random Commercial Thought: I completely forgot to even watch them, I was too busy thinking about your MOM.

Back to the show where Masters is already in the ring, waiting on Hacksaw Jim Duggan to take the challenge. Hacksaw parades around and taunts Masters for a while before finally sitting down and letting him put on the MASTERfull Nelson. Hacksaw fights valiantly, but Masters finally just ends up dumping him when Duggan passes out. Pretty lame since absolutely nothing happened. JR pimps the ref announcement and Cena's match. We see Vinnie in the back headed to the ring and back to commercial, CHRIST.

Random Commercial Thought: I don't want The King to take me out of any rut I might be in, thank you very much.

Back to the show. They replay what happened at the beginning of the show with Michaels and Cena as well as the end of the match. We then see Cena get approached by Michaels in the back while kinky porn music plays. Okay, that last part might not have happened. Shawn says he still has his back tonight despite what happened. We then go to ringside for Vinnie Mac.

He tells us that before we find out who the board of directors independently selected he thinks it's only fair we be told what will happen next week. There will be a contract signing between him and Trump. He says he'll give Trump what he gave Lashley if he gets in his face: A patented Billionaire (PRIDE OBLITERATING) Bitch Slap. Vince goes to announce the board of directors' decision but Eric Bischoff suddenly interrupts. The Bisch calms his fears that he isn't the special referee, he says he just happens to live here and...Eric Bischoff gets a pop? THE WORLD IS ENDING! He reminds Vince of when he was hauled out of the building in a garbage truck. He then says he thought he would just drop by to tell everyone how much they will all enjoy seeing Vince get his head shaved. I bet he has a cone head under there. Vince demands the ref come out, and we get Mick Foley to confuse everyone, I guess Anna was lying down on the job. Vince says he wants to thank the board members for their choice and starts sucking up to Mick, saying he looks great. Mick tells him that when he last left, he kissed Vince's ass and now Vince is kissing his.

Mick says if he wants bygones to be bygones he needs to have his old job back and Vince gives it to him. He goes on to pimp his book saying he'd like unlimited access to plug the book (the crowd boos this part). He says he says some pretty miserable things about Vince in the book and calls into question his creative genius. Foley then asks for him to pay his room service bills. Vince then announces Foley as the ref who then says he's a special referee between to guys in a restaurant here tonight not for that match. It's a rib eating contest between this gorilla mascot and somebody. Vince kicks them out of the ring. Shane's theme then plays. Vince starts dancing to the music while he comes to the ring. Vince then announces Shane as the ref. Shane tells him the board voted and they lost, but won't tell him who it is. Finally Stone Cold's music hits who's shirt about says it all for him. "Arrive...RAISE HELL...Leave." Steve gets some bears and drink, refusing to shake Vinnie's hand. When Shane and Vince go to leave, Stone Cold claps his beers together in their faces to drench them as we go to commercial

Random Commercial Thought: Why aren't wet suits wet?

Back to the show once again, and now for something completely different (not a man with a tape recorder up his nose): The Marine. After that, they recap Shane and Vince's encounter with Stone Cold. In the back, we see Foley walking along with the gorilla showing him the Austin part of his book. Ron Simmon's walks by and spots this oddity to utter his line before we go to ringside. It's a Women's Title match but first we have to have Lillian introduce Ashley who is going to introduce the divas. Melina is pissed to see Ashley's picture over her head as she walks out.

Women's Champion Melina vs. Mickie James (Falls Count Anywhere Women's Title Match)

Melina starts the match by running away. We run....and run and run, before they find their way to the women's locker room. Apparently whipping a diva into a padded couch will do more damage. Victoria grabs Mickie so Melina can kick her, but Torrie sprays hairspray in her eyes. Mickie attacks Melina onto the table and Candice come out in a towel to yell at them. The towel gets ripped off and the camera suddenly experiences a technical difficulty. (Ron Simmons: DAMN). The camera comes back on to find Candice covering her chest though she oddly had panties on...wonder if it was planned? Naaaa...Anyway the cameraman has more difficulties and the crowd boos like all hell as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Hills Have Eyes 2 sounds like a good one....to miss.

Back to the show where the catfight is rolling down the steel entrance ramp. Melina runs away to the ring and stomps on Mickie when she tries to follows, slamming her face first into the mat repeatedly. Mickie scores a Fisherman's suplex for two and sends Melina to the corner who throws her off. Melina tries to climb the turnbuckle, but Mickie slams her face into the ring post, going up top to hit a top rope hurricanrana that bomb utterly into a pin for Melina. Winner: Melina

Ashley announces Melina and Melina comes out to jerk the belt from her, but Ashley doesn't want to let go. They get in each others faces and Ashley shoves her onto her ass. Ashley's sucktacular theme plays as she helps Mickie up and raises her hand. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Get yourself some Berry Blue at McDonald's bitch!

Back to the show. Here's comes da Nature Boy and Carlito to get on our final qualifier.

Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Torrie Wilson vs. Ric Flair (MITB Qualifier Match)

Carlito starts off quick and Flair rolls Carlito up for a one count. Carlito forces Flair tot he corner for shoulder charges. Carlito slams Ric out of the corner, picking up two, following with a shoulder block for another two. Carlito hits a high back body for yet another two count then starts chopping Flair in the corner. He nails Ric with a left to set him down in the corner, stomping the old fart before going to mounted punches. Flair hits an inverted atomic drop and a chop. He hits the running knee drop on the follow through to pick up two of his own. The crowd is just downright dead. Carlito misses a springboard moonsault, but lands on his feet. All of a sudden Khali comes to the ring and destroys Carlito and Flair but the ref never calls a DQ. whatever he said, Khali says something on the mic. Apparently he said he wants Kane. WHAT THE FUCK?! Who the fuck had this idea?! We go to commercial I need aspirin.

Random Commercial Thought: Ballerina Burger.

Back to the show where they replay Stone Cold again. Nick Bockwinkle is the new Hall of Fame inductee and I so don't even care. In the back Edge is asking Orton for support, but Orton says he has a meeting with Coach tonight and he doesn't have Edge's back. He leaves Edge there surprised while we see Cena walking through the back.

Random Commercial Thought: More Ventriloquists should be murdered.

Back to the show. JR pimps the contract signing next week and Cena is out. All of a sudden MNM comes out to walk and stand at ringside. Edge comes out to say he can't perform in front of the fans here because they don't celebrate Martin Luther King day. He says Johnny's Nitro's great great grandmother was black though and demanded to kick his ass tonight. Wait, what?

Johnny Nitro w. Black POWAH!! vs. WWE Champion & World Tag Team Champion John Cena (Non-title Match)

Nitro jumps in from behind and hammers Cena down, putting the champ on defensive and slinging him over the ropes to the floor. Nitro slams Cena into the ring steps and tosses him back inside to put on a deadly follow up headlock (take a shot). Cena powers out and takes Nitro downtown with clotheslines and a shoulder block. Here we go again. Protobomb, five knuckle shuffle. Mercury gets knocked off the apron and Edge is intimidated off so Cena scoops Nitro up into the FU but Mercury attack his knee from behind.

Winner: Cena

Edge and MNM start attacking him. Cena eats a Snapshot and Edge runs from ringside because Michaels' music hits. Shawn comes down and pause son the ramp before just walking away, but then he pauses again and comes down to save Cena from MNM. Cena starts to get up and Michaels leaves to the outside while John stares on wide-eyed in disbelief. Shawn stomps on the entrance ramp for a while then wanders off again as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Uh...was there one? I guess we should give it to...um...fuck it, no one gets it. Bust everybody.

Lowlight of the Night: Khali RUINS what would have been a great match. Nobody wants to watch actual wrestling obviously.

Eugene Award: Some Jackass gets himself fired by cueing the commercials early.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (03/12/07) By Cameron Burge

At least I have Chicken.

It was April the forty-first being a quadruple leap year. I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented stingray and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell Station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing, and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?" While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive, but I knew the owner. He used to play for the Dolphins. I said, "HI GIL!!" You have to yell, he's hard of herring.

I don't know what that had to do with fuck all, but I'm tired. Apparently for um...doing nothing relating to the MITB last week Orton is now in a Triple Threat match for it with Ric and Carlito. Wow, that makes perfect sense!

Raw 03.12.07

The show opens with in Memory of Ernie Ladd whom I'm sure you all remember as um....well...he sort of looked like the dad from Sanford and Son is that counts for anything. After that we get recap of Shawn and Cena helping each other last week despite telling each other not to. No theme or pyro we go straight into Cena's entrance. We get an obligatory shot of some random ugly white bitch with a Cena Rocks sign before John cuts a promo. He says something and I listen. And by listen, I mean imagined a picture of a naked lady, but not that chick with the sign. So not her. He calls out Shawn to the ring who actually brings his tag title belt with him while he milks the poor DX theme to death. I gotta wonder, down anyone else find the DX logo being overlaid with a cross to be somewhat disturbing? I don't recall Jesus ever making chickens appear next to Pilot to mock, all the while snickering at his own clever humor before suddenly launching into his sales campaign for a little known literary work he calls The Bible (Available in a Temple near you).

Shawn comes out to say he won't win humanitarian of the year then asks why no one is asking when Cena will turn on him instead because he'll do anything to stay the champ. Cena doesn't take kindly to Shawn's word and drops the microphone, but The Coach puts a stop to this nonsense, informing our young misguided duo that they will be partaking in a tag team gauntlet tonight, three matches, each for their titles. And with that, let's explore some commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: God of War 2 bitch!

Back to the show. Another questionnaire about who will go bald before Ric Flair comes to the ring. The announcers try to hotshot excuses for as to why Orton is in this match but they don't even seem to be able to convince themselves before Carlito is out without Torrie. Orton comes cautiously to the ring and we are on.

Ric Flair vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Randy Orton (Triple Threat Elimination MITB Qualifier Match)

Kind of a clusterfuck to start with. Quick pins from Carlito and Flair who rolls up Orton. Flair and Carlito team up on Orton, stomping him down in the corner and delivering alternating knife edge chops. Apparently this is elimination which I didn't know before. Flair tries to get a pin, but only gets two then Orton goes down with a suplex from Carlito for another two. They pretty much take forever with Carlito finally hitting a reverse springboard elbow on Orton. Flair goes for the Figure Four, but Carlito gets mad at him for stealing his fire so he hits the Apple Jack on Ric. Orton gets up and tosses Carlito from the ring, hitting the RKO on Flair for the elimination. Carlito sneak attacks Orton for two of his own as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I didn't even like the first Hills Have Eyes movie. At least Hillside Cannicals )The Asylum films knockoff movie) had gory mutant sex.

Orton has Carlito in something that ISN'T a headlock (gasp!), a Boston crab. Carlito makes it to the ropes so Orton starts to stomp him in the back, driving the knee down for a two count, Carlito takes a hard Irish whip to the corner so Orton can pick up another two count. Carlito hits a back body drop for the standing ten count, but they are both up for punches. Carlito has Orton on the ropes, but he misses the front dropkick. Orton gets to all fours and the bitches start squealing like someone shoved a cucumber up their asses. Carlito counters the RKO into a hurricanrana. He nails the Million Dollar Knee Lift, hitting a one man flap jack for two.

Out of the near fall Carlito nails an enziguiri on Orton for two. he then hits a springboard flip over senton to get yet another two count before Orton finally puts a stop to all this momentum by racking Carlito on the top rope and hitting the RKO for three to piss me right the fuck off.

Winner: Orton

OKay, what the fuck was that? Last week he wasn't even connected to this, and all of a sudden he is in the match and WINS IT?! WTF?! They recap Vince and Bobby Lashley. Oh my God. Bobby Lashley sounds like a prepubescent girl. No wonder Lawler likes him. X-TREME COMMERCIALS.

Random Commercial Thought: Casino Royal. See James Bond as you've never seen him before, in a brand new...well okay, it's the same fucking movie as all the others....but he's blonde now!

Back to the show. They do the Slam of the Week featuring Khali crushing Kane against a mesh fence on Smackdown where I should have been free of having to see this lame shit. We get back to the ring for Chris Masters with the Challenge. Chris says no one in the back will step up and he says someone out here will have to do it before challenging Lillian and advancing on her. All of a sudden Super Crazy's theme interrupts. He dropkicks Masters in the knee when he runs in and then in the face off the ropes. He goes for the slingshot bulldog, but Masters counters it into the MASTERfull Nelson to make short work of him and end this challenge. When did Masters start renting Charlie Haas' facial hair?

In the parking lot we have twin limos and one contains Vince, the other is just sitting there for no reason so Vince inspects it to find the black driver (he comes standard with it, but keeps getting pulled over). Vince tells the driver to tell Trump his is bigger. We get a Foley bit about his book. And I gotta think I don't need to read the fucking thing since he's told me everything that's in it. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Note to self. When shrinking friends, beware of owls.

Back to the show. We do a segment about Ernie Ladd. In the back Orton and Edge run into each other and Randy calls him his old tag team partner because now they are opponents in MITB. We go to Lillian who introduces a special public announcement on the titantron from someone reading a newspaper. It turns out to be The Rock and the crowd goes crazy. He wants to tell us who will get their head shaved, he says it will be Vince McMahon. He decides to tell us what Umaga means in Samoan, it means shriveled up monkey penis. Wow. And now you know. Because knowing is half the battle (Now if you could just come up with that other half you might be good). He does his catchphrase and it comes off sounding HORRIBLE. He fucks up the whole thing then gives the eyebrow for added effect as well. The crowd pops huge and we go to commercial. (Wait, since when was the Rock a fucking Public Service Agent?)

Random Commercial Thought: Do people remember to zip up their Gamefly?

Back to the show. Ashley signed playboys, use gloves, ho! Use some fucking gloves!

Shawn is on his way to the ring for the Gauntlet Match, but they seem to have forgot to put the arcade machine in the ring for everybody so I can only guess they plan to do it the old Pencil and paper style. Also John Cena was there. They start off against The World's Greatest Tag Team because the number one contenders for the titles wouldn't have first dibs at all.

World Tag Team Champions Shawn Michaels & WWE Champion John Cena vs. The Gauntlet (Tag Team Title Match)

Cena and Michaels jump them on the way in, leaving Cena and Shelton in the ring. Wristlock take over into an elbow from Cena. He hits the Fisherman for two. Shelton escapes to a tag and Haas is in. Cena hits a bulldog out of the corner and tags to Michaels. Michaels hits the flying elbow and nips up into a reverse atomic drop. Shelton run in and gets knocked down. Haas turns Michaels inside out in the corner, but Shawn powers back with a DDT, following with a clothesline to Shelton over the ropes. Cena tags himself in and locks the STFU on Haas. Cade and Murdoch run to the ring.

A brawl ensues with Cena getting sent to the apron by the ref while Cade and Murdoch double team Shawn. King calls the one sided previous match a hell of a match, making me wonder which show he is watching. Cade stays in to keep Michaels down, picking up two before hitting a huge flip over lariat for two. Shawn hits an enziguiri to make the tag as does Cade. Cena gets booed and starts crushing Murdoch, hitting the Protobomb. He signals the Five Knuckle and has to knock Cade down first before he can do it. He scores up for the FU, but Michaels Superkicks Murdoch right off of his shoulders. Cena pins. There's one more team left, but the steel cage is lowering now.

Random Commercial Thought: I got a sandwich.

Back to the show where Cena and Michaels are already wrestling their mystery opponents making the reveal rather lame as it turns out to be MNM. It's a good thing cage matches aren't half as dangerous to the nose as ladders....or wait. For some reason they still have to actually make tags. Mostly what we see here is Shawn getting crushed in the corner with quick two counts. Nitro misses a corkscrew moonsault on Shawn, but Mercury tags in and takes Cena off the apron to prevent the tag. Mercury eats a clothesline from Shawn and Cena tags in to crush both men with clotheslines as well/ Cena catches Mercury in the corner and tosses him headfirst into the cage. He throws Nitro around them pumps up. Cena and Shawn finally just end it with an FU for the win.

Winners: Cena & Michaels

After the match all the heels run into the ring and attack them so Shawn and Cena start throwing them out. Cena grabs a chair and goes to apparently hit Michaels but stops, waiting for Shawn to duck so he can smash Haas. Cena stalks out afterward and Michaels throws a fit, tossing the chair down and marching out behind them. They run an Undertaker bit as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Hey did you know some medications can cause anal warts?

Back to the show. Hardy is out for a match with Edge. Does Hardy hallucinate he's humping some fat emo bitch every time he comes to the ring? Edge isn't dressed to wrestle really so he goes and gets a microphone. Edge says he'd love to show Jeff his place in the pecking order and it's unfortunate but they are in Washington D.C., home of the Redskins and says he will be damned if they wrestle in a city that encourages racial slurs against Native Americans so his friend of Indian descent will take his place. We get Khali of course. Thanks Christopher Columbus, you fucking bastard.

Khali takes Jeff's hits and boots him in the face when he comes running, dragging Hardy up by the neck to hit a double handed chokeslam. Kane's music hits and the Big Red Machine comes to the ring with a hook and chain. Khali and Edge make a run for it and Kane slings the hook, hooking the announce table and flipping it over when King says May 19th (you called?). In the back, The Donald asks the hair stylist if Vince's hair is fake but she won't answer.

Random Commercial Thought: John Cena is....The Man Pretending to be....A MARINE.

Back to the show where we get a new Hall of Fame inductee. Mr. Fucking Fuji. They do an interview segment with Foley and Ashley comes over to offer a trade with him. He reads a line from his book while I'm cleaning my ears. When she finally gets him to look in it he only has one thing to say, but Ron Simmons says it for him. Elsewhere, Vince is getting his hair done now and is asking her who has better hair when Coach comes in. He tells him once more he reminds him of Trump and we are off to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: How did they get Snoop Dogg down long enough to make that commercial?

Back to the show where they recap the Melina and Mickie match. Torrie's is out to have a non-title match with her now.

Women's Champion Melina vs. Torrie Wilson (Non-Title Match)

Torrie gets Melina down early and bows the back with her arms a boot between the shoulder blades, but Melina puts all that to hell soon enough. Melina gets a two count on Torrie after stomping on her on the ground, but Torrie goes for a roll up for two of her own. Melina starts pounding on Torrie in the corner, but she seems pretty used to that sort of thing so she tosses Melina by her air. Torrie hits some running clotheslines and a suplex, but Melina sloppily flips out and gets a rollup with the tights for the win.

Winner: Melina

After the match Melina gets all pissy but Mickie attacks. Melina is still okay, so Ashley runs down and attacks. Melina runs but Mickie and Torrie toss her back in. Melina runs for her life. In the back, Edge runs into Vince. Ha! Should have watched where he was going! Well, okay that's not exactly what he did, but it's what I imagined in my head to entertain myself. In actuality, he said Rated RKO will not stand for Lashley's impudence and Orton will take on Lashley tomorrow night to help out, but if he doesn't show Vince should throw him from the MITB. Vince agrees as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Samual L Jackson is the funniest man on the planet and he's not even a comedian.

Back to the show where Vinnie heads to the ring with the Barbie Chair...oops I mean Barber Chair set up at the ring entrance. He waddles to the ring like a bloated penguin then slips on the black flooring getting in. TEAR A QUAD! He cuts a promo saying Trump will be signing a deal that will make him the laughing stock of the entire world. Vince introduces Umaga who comes out with Estrada to take a page from Khali's book and scream some words unintelligibly. Vince wonder's where Donald is. Donald eventually comes out with Candice and Maria and now with 20% more Herpes. Donald rambles weakly to introduce Lashley and I gotta say their promo skills really go together. When Vince signs the paper while the crowd chants for Austin. Vince says this will be the last thing Trump signs with hair on his head before The Donald tells him Lashley will kick Umaga's ass. They start tossing the number 95 at each other like a fucking Jim Carrey film in a manner I truly don't feel like describing. Eventually, Stone Cold's music hits.

Steve takes the microphone from Vince so he can ask two questions to settle this. He asks if people think Vince will win and shave Trump's head for a hell yeah. He actually gets quite a few more than expected. He asks the same question reversed for a louder response. Steve says they haven't been formally introduced yet, he and Donald. He compliments his tie and says he's glad to have him and...hey look a spider. Man that's cool....Oh and we're back, Austin is still going. He does his whole "List Speak" routine with What? chants. Vince is laughing at this so Austin says he didn't say anything funny, telling Vince he knows better then to look at him with that stupid smile. Austin finally declares someone will get their head shavesd and that's the bottom line and blah blah and we're done. Hooray! I can go to bed! Oh wait...Vince is still talking, damnit. He basically says he'll win. Trump doesn't let him leave though before showing his photoshop of Vince bald. He then asks Bobby to make them suffer. Goddamnit, would this please end. OH PLEEEEEAAASE. SOMEBODY KILLLL MEEEE. I WANT TO DIIIIIEEE! Donald calls Vince out who won't come until The Donald sends Lashley away. Trump throws the microphone aside and Vince tosses a chair and takes off his jacket, talking shit. Trump shoves him over the table, Vinnie conking his head before The Donald leaves.

Highlight of the Night: Kane with a hook, starring in this springs new smash hit, "I Know What You Did That One Summer Several Summers Ago Now and I Still Want to Kill You".

Lowlight of the Night: Orton scores a MITB slot for no damn reason, screwing us out of a Carlito MITB possiblity.

Eugene Award: Cena and Michaels retain the titles despite it only dragging the poor titles through the dirt even more.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (03/19/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome, my children. Please put on your tin foil hats and tune your dials in a north easterly direction. For those of you who actually just did this, I'd like you to take a picture of yourself and send it my way for my own personal entertainment and weekly mocking of those of a lower brain capacity than myself.

Raw 03.19.07

Tonight's show is in memory of Arnold Skaaland because we're not allowed to have a week where some old bastard doesn't die and get his face plastered on a black background in remembrance. Does that sound bitter? Damn right, it's as bitter as your Aunt Susan's peach cobbler that she left sitting out on the stoop for two days straight before serving you for that one birthday when I was five....Anyway uh, music and pyro, here we go.

Shawn is on his way and the glow sticks are out in full force. The showstopper is going to wrestle JBL who on Smackdown said he had a surprise for Michaels tonight. He comes out in his limo saying he just got here from Wall Street and somebody didn't get the memo and nobody tells JBL what to do or when to do it so nobody tells him when to come out of retirement against anybody. It will be his choosing, his rules and his town of New York City where they all drive long horn limos around. He says it won't be in freaking Indiana and this dream match is not gonna happen and Shawn has enough problems because in two weeks he'll get his ass kicked by Cena and he's had time after time to kick Cena in the face so he must be the most egotistical prick on the face of the earth. The sound guy censors the wrong word and misses prick in that sentence, getting the words "face of" instead. Heh. JBL continues to talk Shawn down saying he's afraid to be evil anymore because he'll upset the people and never climb to the top. Shawn eventually gets the mic saying he didn't know this would be a verbal spat and one of them came to fight so he'd like to counter.

Shawn says he isn't concerned about respect because he's already earned it and maybe no mind games is the greatest mind game of all. Wow, that was so stupid it was profound. Shawn decides to take a page from JBL's book saying nobody tells him when to deliver Sweet Chin Music except for the United States Postal Service. He says it might happen tonight, next week or at Wrestlemania and the one thing he can tell JBL with absolute certainty is...and there goes JBL's head. According to JR he knocked it clean off, but I don't see anyone shrieking in the first row, holding a bloody skull so I think that was an exaggeration. Shawn tells him on the ground that it won't happen until he's kicked JBL first. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Gatorade AM. Next month: Gatorade FM and Gatorade HD. So you too can have your breakfast in high definition.

Back to the show where Orton and Edge have a confrontation and it is revealed that Edge has been removed from MITB and has to win a Battle Royal if he wants it back since he cost Orton the match by getting kicked out last week. Vince didn't like the failure but we all know Edge will be squeaking this one out. Chris Masters is in the ring to give his challenge when we get a recap of his two years of undefeated challenges. I've never seen a build up for something like this without it being broken and here's the opponent.....Bobby Lashely. Oh what do you know, I appear to have been stricken with wrist paralysis.

And I'm healed! Bobby broke it and Masters threw a baby fit. Aren't you glad you spent that small portion of your life?

Random Commercial Thought: Nacha's are always cheesy. Isn't saying they are cheesy, redundant?

Back to the show. We get a video segment all about Ashley and then we see a recap of Lashley before going to the back with Vinnie and Lashley. Vince tells Bobby to take a break for the rest of the night, escorting him from the building entirely to What chants. Vince walks off with Coach and compliments Maria's outfit before he walks on to run into Eugene who spills his drink on him. Vince says accidents happen and hopes Eugene doesn't have one because he has a match. Eugene leaves and Vince asks for Umaga. Coach leaves and Ron comes over to inspect his stain before saying....."Oh my sir, what a wonderful tie you have." No not really, but that's what I imagined. We go to ringside where the announcers talk about Skaaland and then run a memory video for him.

Random Commercial Thought: Some stuff happened or something....I dunno I'm kinda fading in and out.

Back to the show where we are already mostly ready for the last chance Battle Royal. Ric comes out, followed by Edge and we are ready to go.

Last Chance MITB Battle Royal (Obligatory Edge Wins a Battle Royal Match)

Everyone gangs up to begin with on Viscera in one big pile, the entire group pushing him over the top rope and to the floor to get our first elimination. Edge rolls to the floor to feign an injury like he does in EVERY battle royal he's EVER been in since he became heel. Nitro almost gets tossed to the floor, but hugs the middle rope to roll back in. Super Crazy attacks him in the corner, but Shelton stops him from behind. Kenny almost gets tossed by Val but skins and rolls in to soon find himself being chopped by Flair. Crazy does some kind of flip headbutt to Haas but Shelton assists in tossing Crazy to the floor while we go back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Hot women sell body spray. Who would have thought? But does anyone else find it weird that the same hot women sell both the female products AND the guy products?

Back to the show, during the break Val was dropkicked from the apron to the floor by Nitro and Haas hit the floor as well. Dykstra and Carlito fight in the corner with Carlito on the apron, but Kenny is thrown off. Benjamin jumps up to fight Carlito however Flair sends him off tot he floor to rescue Carlito. Nitro chokes out Carlito in the corner while Flair chops Kenny around. He racks Kenny on the top rope then chops him to the floor while Carlito dropkicks Nitro to the floor. Carlito and Flair face off but Carlito ducks a chop, trying to chuck the Nature Boy. Flair holds on and they start trading left punches and chops. Carlito springboard elbows and hits the knee lift, but Flair fucks it up HUGE. Flair goes over and lands on the apron, catching Carlito with a thumb to the eye. Ric struts and chops Carlito to the corner. Flair tries to toss him and Carlito holds on with a head scissors, but Flair finally knocks him down for the win....until edge runs in during his theme and chucks him...through the middle rope. Edge stops halfway through and remembers to toss him over the top for the win. Wow, I'm surprised.....(complete and utter sarcasm

warning!) Winner: Edge

After the match they show us the MITB entrants and run a pimp for the preview of Stone Cold's The Condemned. Vince's music starts playing as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What the hell is a game fly and is it anyway related to a book worm?

Back to the show. Vince decides to introduce us to Umaga who will be crushing Bobby Lashley. I can only hope that the powder can then be refined into a more interesting wrestling. Umaga comes out and his deadly opponent, Euegene is quick to follow.

Umaga w/ Estrada & Vince vs. Eugene

Umaga attacks Eugene on the apron from behind to send him to the floor, slinging the retard into the steel steps afterward. Back in the ring, Eugene gets stomped and his chest is crushed by an ass drop (Ass-id Drop?). Eugene seeks solace by curling up in a corner but Umaga just punches him a few times before delivering the Ass Crash. Samoan Spike follows for the win.

Winner: Umaga

After the match they bring down the barber chair and strap Eugene into it. Umaga and company hold the tard down while Vince takes huge clumps of hair from his head with scissors. He declares this is symbolic of him cutting everyone's hair or something. However the fuck that works. Eugene is apparently the Jesus of hair follicles I guess. Vince starts shaving him, pretty badly too. He gives up because it's taking too long, so he says he'll finish it in the back. He gives Eugene a "billionaire bitch slap" before spinning him around in the chair like its the centrifuge and Umaga throws it over as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I have to say right now, that I have never in my life been so UNentertained as I have been tonight.

Back to the show where Candice is in the ring talking about reading Melina's blogs. She blabs for a bit but I kind of tune her out, you know, like most girls. Melina comes out to respond and says Candice only has her job because she takes clothes off. This emotion in their voices doesn't seem to even exist. somehow Melina gets coaxed into a bra and panties match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Last Mimzy. God, do titles get any gayer sounding that that?

Back to the show where the match is on. Candice Michelle vs. Women's Champion Melina (Non-title Bra & Panties Match)

Candice almost gets her top ripped odd , but she rolls out and hits her hanging leg scissors, using the position to snatch Melina's skirt. Melina runs outside and slams Candice around against the ring, taking her top in the process. Candice hits a reverse elbow and a snap mare but fails to remove her opponents top until Melina gets Candice in a head scissors on the head, keeping her down while she takes her pants. Candice counters with a head scissors of her own and they roll around in a 69. Candice kicks Melina in the side of the head, but Melina counters by dropping Candice to claim her pants.

Winner: Melina

Ashley comes down to the ring after the match but Melina shoves her. Ashley kicks her in the midsection and steals Melina's top who runs to ringside in embarrassment. For seemingly no reason Khali's music plays and he comes to the ring while Melina sneak attacks Ashley. Melina runs away and leaves Ashley behind. Khali grabs her by the throat so ever the hero, The King runs to her rescue, obviously mistaking her for a high school student. King gets a chokeslam for his trouble. We get a reaction shot of the crowd after this and we see a woman who's face simply screams...APATHY!!! The crowd is SO silent even some piped in boos seem dull. Khali's scream of victory can be heard ECHOING. The photo's shown of our main event get a tiny cheer but it's obvious by now Vince has killed the crowd dead tonight with shit.

Random Commercial Thought: What happened to E standing for Entertainment?

Back to the show. JR recaps the attack we just saw before we get more interviews about who should be shaven bald. As if tonight wasn't bad ENOUGH, TARD FUCKING GRISHAM is now replacing the King. Tard says Orton should change the team name to TKO because they are knocking each other out or something as we get out next match underway.

Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton

Jeff dodges punches and hits a roll through arm drag into an arm bar. Orton tosses him off and into the corner, but misses a follow through clothesline. Another arm drag into an arm bar. Orton hits an inverted backbreaker on Jeff Hardy and starts his stalking stomps routine which for some reason qualifies as psychology for an Orton match,. I don't know why. He goes to a Boston crab to continue to prove he can do stuff besides headlocks to rest in. What is with the Boston crabs? Did he forget to use a condom in Boston and uses it to remind himself of his mistakes? Hardy rallies back after escaping, hitting the running neckbreaker and a whisper in the wind. JR corrects himself, calling it the Twist of Fate then corrects himself back to the Whisper in the Wind again. Edge comes down then and puts a ladder in the ring which Orton uses on Hardy.

Winner: Hardy

Orton calls Edge out but Hardy hits him with the Twist of Fate and Leg drop on Orton. Edge is happy with those results. Commercials please save us.

Random Commercial Thought: At least there was a hot chick.

Back to the show where they play the preview of Stone Cold's movie which is the same fucking film as Battle Royal only without the interesting part of it being school children that do it. in the back, Vince is on the phone declaring next week he'll be facing Bobby Lashley next week. Coach thinks its a bad idea. Vince says he'll beet Lashley's ass next week. Shawn Michaels is on his way to the ring to try and offset the horribleness of Tard on the microphone.

Random Commercial Thought: *drops to knees* please let this next match redeem this show!

Back to the show. We recap what happened to Eugene and see him in the back trying to stick his hair back on and thanks to Gersh for pointing out that he does indeed now look exactly like Robbie of the Highlanders. Back to ringside for Chris Benoit and I feel better just seeing him in the ring (and I'm not gay you sick freaks). Cena is out next and here we go.

WWE Champion & World Tag Team Champion John Cena vs. US Champion Chris Benoit (Non-title Match)

The match starts with heavy flurries of strikes, Benoit gaining the advantage in the corner by kneeing and head butting Cena. Cena rolls to the floor, but Benoit follows, kneeing him in the face and slamming Benoit on the announce table. Chris goes for a German (un pimp the auto!), but Cena escapes an almost ends up decking Shawn. He stops himself, allowing Benoit to get him from behind. (ah ha! Behind...). Chris back in the ring keeps the pressure on and picks up. Benoit begins to go for knife edge chops in the corner, eventually running into a boot to the face in the corner. Cena slings in huge rights and decks Benoit, slamming him to the turnbuckle. Benoit hits a boot to the face in the corner and drop toeholds Cena into a Sharpshooter while Shawn tells Grisham to shut up, HAHA! Tard imitates Madden and tells us Cena has to make it to the bottom rope to break it. Cena escapes finally but Benoit hits Germans to crush Cena before going up top to miss the headbutt. Cena rebounds and goes for the usual offense, hitting the protobomb and nailing the five knuckle. Cena scoops up the FU but Benoit reverses to a Crippler. Cena counters into the STFU for the tap out.

Winner: Cena

WTF?! He made Benoit tap...I hate my life. After the match Shawn tunes up the band, but stop short of kicking Cena, saying he got him. Cena grunts in frustration and suddenly scoops Shawn into an FU but drop him to say he just did the same. JBL comes out to tell them to just get along because next week it's a No Way Out rematch. Oh yay. It's over! Huzzah!

Highlight of the Night: I cannot in good conscience give anything this. Not a damn thing.

Lowlight of the Night: I think it happened sometime around when they decided to broadcast this show at all.

Eugene Award: I give it to...bald Eugene! Maybe the extra airflow to his scalp will magically jumpstart his brain.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (03/26/07) By Cameron Burge

Aw it’s  magical time of year. That one time of year where most of us fans turn into stark raving marks, screaming at the television insanely at the top of our lungs in a vain attempt that the wrestlers on the other side of the box or going to give a fuck what we want them to do. Yep, Wrestlemania’s here again and here’s our set up show for the event. Tonight’s main event? In an effort to further stick it to anyone who paid for No Way Out, we have a main event rematch.

Raw 03.26.07

Theme and pyro lead to pimping of the main event and Vinnie Mac against Lashley. Coach is in the ring to tell us that he received word today the match between Vince and Bobby has been changed to be a No DQ and any outside interference will result in a fine and suspension…which is sort of counter productive to no DQ matches. Coach is about to go when Stone Cold interrupts. You know, it’s a little known fact that Stone Cold was originally planned to star in a remake of The Time Machine based off of his stint on Celebrity Death Match.

Stone Cold does one of his list promos for What? Chants in which he says he received a lot of stuff from Donald Trump in the mail saying he was getting paid off by Trump. Coach says Vince has too much respect for Austin to do anything like that. Stone Cold says he wanted the presents to be sent back to New York, only to find out they actually came from the offices of VKM (if Vince ever becomes a serial killer that is what they’ll call him). The rattlesnake says he should now drag Vince out and shave him bald right now so Coach says it was him who sent the gifts and apologizes like a little boy, only without the molestation…or something. Stone Cold starts talking about what he’ll do if Vince loses and tries to run, and keeps calling Umaga: “Omaga” which is obviously the freak of nature gene melding of Obama and Umaga together. Coach says to him it doesn’t make sense these two are upset about being bald because both he and Austin are bald and prove that bald is beautiful. After this homoerotic moment, Stone Cold Stunner ensues for some bear bashing. Stone cold leaves via truck and end up driving head on at a limo. Horn are honked and it turns out to be Vince’s. He apologizes on the behalf of his driver and gets flipped off for his troubles.

Vince then leaves his car, drags his driver out of the window and chokes the hell out of him. If only everyone could beat the hell out of their employees like they were Wal-mart. Vince fired his driver and then we pimp a Playboy Covergirls team up of Ashley, Torrie and Candice when we come back. (haha!….come…)

Random Commercial Thought: This Grindhouse thing is probably the dumbest thing I’ve seen Quinten Terentino try. Purposefully making B Movies is not art, it’s cashing in on the sudden fad of their popularity again.

Back to the show where the heel divas are on their way and Jillian Hall is randomly a Raw diva now to fill out the heels. The playgirls are out next and here we go. The match at Wrestlemania has now been changed to be a “Lumberjill” match involving all the other divas on the outside.

Ashley and Melina begin, but Melina cheap shot slaps her and runs away from the retaliation to tag in Victoria Ashley tags in Candice who slams down Victoria and does her dance Melina takes a cheap shot at Candice from behind and Victoria scoops her up into a tree of woe. Melina tags in to knee Candice in the abs. Jillian Hall tags in after Victoria kicks Candice in the head from the apron. Jillian misses a handstand leg drop and struggles with Candice until she breaks away to tag in Ashley. Ashley hit’s a head scissors on Jillian and a lame hurricanrana on Victoria. Torrie tackles Victoria to the floor while Ashley drags in Melina. Jillian gets her from behind (HA! From behind!). Jillian bomb a handspring elbow and Ashley goes up top into a victory roll for the…victory.
Winners: Playboy Covergirls

Random Commercial Thought: What’s with all the car movies? Is this Japan?

CM Punk is here for the hometown pop as he comes out and gets jumped in the ring by Kenny.

CM Punk vs. Kenny Dykstra

Kenny gets beat back down by Punk who leaps to the top ropes, but Kenny kicks his feet out from under him to leave CM Punk racking himself hard. Kenny goes for a chinlock (take a shot) but Punk escapes Knocking him back down, Kenny locks on punches and headlock for two. Kenny keeps the pressure on with some pretty generic offense until CM Punk counters a suplex. Punk hits an enziguiri and sends Kenny to the corner. Kenny back body drops him to the apron and takes a kick to the face. CM goes up top and comes down hard, sending Kenny to the corner for the Pepsi One into a bulldog, but only gets two. CM has had enough fooling around and hits Nyquil (Gershon: the nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing stuffy knee to the head so you can win the match medicine) for the win.
Winner: CM Punk

In the back we see Edge on the titantron who decides to tell him that he should savor the feeling of winning because he won’t have that feeling this Sunday. Edge says The Cutting Edge will be next with the MITB members as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the fuck doesn’t Chili’s serve chili?

Back to the show. The MITB participants are here and one of these things does not belong. *puts a huge sign over Finlay*. Edge has a ladder and briefcase set up in the ring as well as the black carpet and for some reason Matt doesn’t seem intent to kill Edge now. Perhaps it’s because they reconciled their differences, agreed Lita was a skanky ho and moved on. Edge says he’s won more ladder matches than all of them combined. He decides to break down why each person doesn’t deserve to win. Matt says he’s won quite a few ladder matches himself and he’ll beat him bad…real bad…to leave him on his back…like his ex girlfriend. Why would anyone be upset over what you call their ex? Edge says Matt is done speaking before moving onto King Booker, Harlem Heeeeeaataaah! Booker says he’s the only one who reigned supreme as King Booker, however that makes sense. Finlay says he’s sick of the verbal diarrhea where in everyone proceeds to wash out their mouths. He calls Edge chisel chin and we move on to Orton who says something, but my brain shuts down. Kennedy goes onto say everyone is looking at the winner…MISTEEEEEERRR- and then Edge pulls the microphone from him. Edge asks for a comment from Jeff but all he’s done is dance weird. Jeff says this is his first Wrestlemania in five years and he’ll steal the entire show even from Matt. CM Punk is of course last to big chants. His only addiction is competition...and hair grease. CM Punk sparks Edge to attack and a big fight break out, the ladder falling against the ring ropes Edge flees to the ring apron while everyone keeps fighting. Kennedy and Booker end up in the floor. Matt and Punk dump Finlay. The Hardys and Punk regroup and give chase to Edge…trotting casually as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Shatner is YOUR Wrestlemania spokesman. Show me the moneeeeey!

Back to the show. They replay Cena’s victory last week before we go to Maria interviewing Cena in the back. Cena lists down everything that will be at Wrestlemania, asking who invites Michael Cole every year He even says we’ll have enough explosions to end the war on terror. Then he tells us that after we think there is nothing left, it will come down to him and Michaels, although he said it in a much more dramatically hyped manner and I could see up his nostrils At least he keeps them clean. He paints a funny picture of Maria with sagging boobs in the future. Oooooh….do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie ‘em in a not, can you tie ‘em in a bow?

We go to ringside with King and JR who decide to recap the bad blood forming between Vince and Bobby Lashley before pimping their match which is next.

Random Commercial Thought: TMNT is really only about two turtles unfortunately but worth the nostalgia factor of seeing the reptiles ride once more. That came off more dramatic than I planned.

Back to the show where they play more of the bad blood before Vince comes out. While he’s on his way out they replay Eugene getting his head shaved. Isn’t that cruelty to animals? Vince, wanting to show off his fantastic physique decides to wrestle in. baggy jogging pants and a sweatshirt. Vince and Lashley end up staring down and Vince says he’s not going to embarrass him tonight with his physical superiority or intellect, just guaranteeing he’ll pin him one two three.

Vince McMahon vs. bobby Lashley (No DQ Match)

The bell rings and Vince leaves the ring when Cade and Murdoch attack. They hit’s a double team on Lashley in the corner, but a belly to belly smashes Cade. Murdoch eats a lariat and Cade is sent to the floor, but Masters comes in.  Masters can’t get the MASTERfull Nelson on and he slams Masters with one arm. Johnny Nitro runs in with karate kicks and gets press slammed. Masters is dumped to the floor and Nitro is crushed with a running power slam before Vince calls down Umaga. Lashley beats Umaga into a corner, but Vince kicks him in the nuts, slinging Lashley into a Samoan drop so he can pin for three.
Winner: Vince

After the match, Umaga hit’s a flying body splash and the Ass Crash, finishing with the Samoan Spike. They make the referee come in to count the pin for Vince a second time and ring the bell as well, announcing him the winner. Déjà vu. Vince then orders another Spike. After they drop the smallest Dudley brother on the poor guy the heels celebrate.

Random Commercial Thought: Best. Song. Ever: “I’m a Scat Maaaaan!”

Back to the show. We get a replay of what happened then to the back for Tard congratulating Vince, but saying it was controversial. He says he will do it again any time he pleases and Umaga will do it Sunday. He asks if Tard believes him who agrees. Vince decides to ask Donald, but it’s Eugene in a Trump wig. He says anyone who doesn’t believe him is retarded, pulling off the Wigand leaving us with a Rory’s clone.

Kennedy is on his way to the ring. Orton is out next to hold up his beach ball while we get some pimping for products that not only have nothing to do with wrestling, they probably should never intermix with it. They will be taking on the Hardys.

The Hardy Boys vs. Randy Orton & Ken Kennedy

Matt starts with Orton and gets a quick two count. Orton is slung into a shot to the midsection by Jeff who tags in with a flip over kick for two more. Kennedy tags in and puts a beating on Jeff in the corner, stomping and punching the glowing one down. Jeff hit’s a head scissors out of the corner, but Kennedy rallies back with a knee to the face before slinging Jeff to the floor against the announce table. Orton starts slamming Jeff into the edge of the ring while the ref is distracted with Matt trying to get in, allowing Kennedy to get two. JR decides to tell us the announce table is not covered in BBQ sauce which certainly comforts me. Kennedy puts Jeff on the top ropes, only to get knocked off and be victim to Whisper in the Wind. Orton tags in and grabs Jeff’s foot, getting a mule kick for his trouble. Matt tags in and rallies on them both, hitting the side effect on both me and getting two on Orton. Matt goes for Twist of Fate, but Kennedy stops it. Kennedy gets taken out by Jeff. Poetry in Motion nails Orton, but it misses Kennedy, allowing Orton to hit the RKO on Matt for the win.
Winners: Orton & Kennedy

We’ll be finding out the next Hall of Fame member next so stay tuned!…or don’t. I mean, you could just go watch some porn or something.

Random Commercial Thought: Machine gun legs are the wave of the future.

Back to the show. The final hall of fame inductee…is JR himself. And as much as I complain about the guy it’s a pretty good bit of nostalgia with the wrestlers giving their favorite JR lines. JR celebrates the fans cheers for a while until it’s time to start out next match with Khali.

Flair tries to chop Khali around, but gets a slopping back body where he sort of just slides down his back. Khali scoops slams and Flair rolls to the floor, but seems to be planning to double choke slam Flair onto the steps. Carlito comes to the rescue and gets tossed off, dragged into the ring and choke slammed in Flair’s place. Kane’s pyro hits and the hook wielding Kane comes to the ring Khali just punches Kane once to disarm him and hit’s a head butt. Kane dodges a clothesline in the corner and rather than grab the deadly deadly hook, he just punches him. Kane grabs the hook finally, but Khali runs away through the crowd.

Random Commercial Thought: Man there’s been a shit ton of movie promo’s.

Back to the show where we get recaps and a pretty longish Stone Cold Steve Austin movie pimping. These leads into a run down of the card for Wrestlemania. And the only thing I have to say about MVP and Benoit is that if Cena can do it, anyone can. We cut to the back to HBK to talk about Cena. He says Cena represents every greatest wrestler, performer, technician (HAHAHAHA), immortal, grammy winning star….you know this list is too long. Suffice to say it gets weird.

Random Commercial Thought: And what it all comes down to is, oil falling from the sky is very dangerous.

Back to the show. They do another celebrity questionnaire on the billionaires involving Bow Wow, William Shatner and a lot of pig grease. One of those things I might have made up. Cena hit’s the ring, followed by Shawn who’s entrance takes at least three times as long. Batista gets a decent pop, followed by Taker and his massive pops. Has anyone ever really stopped to think that the power to control ring light is probably the single lamest undead power possible?

World Tag Team Champions Shawn Michaels & WWE Champion John Cena vs. The Undertaker & World Heavyweight Champion Batista

Taker starts with Cena. Cena hit’s a reverse elbow on Taker in the corner to huge boos, starting to hammer him down. Cena gets grabbed by the throat, but fights out with rights. Taker reverses the whip and hits snake eyes. Cena dodges a big boot and scoops for an FU. Taker counters to a choke slam, but Michaels makes the save. Taker takes them both down Batista clotheslines Michaels to the floor and Taker tosses Cena. Batista and Taker call each other out, squaring off, but Cena run in and clobbers Taker. Cena clotheslines Taker to the floor and Michaels send him into the stairs. Michaels continues to put pressure on Taker outside, rolling him for a cover, but Taker has the rope. Michaels tags in and starts chopping Undertaker to the ropes. Michaels takes the Undertaker down to tag back out to Cena. Cena and Undertaker trade blows, but Cena dodges a clothesline only to eat a flying lariat. Cena is hoisted to the shoulder and Batista tags in blindly. Taker has to duck so Batista can clothesline Cena. Cena manages to catch Dave off guard and tag to Michaels.

Michaels hit’s the flying shoulder block into the nip up. He knock Taker to the floor and sets up Batista, turning to find Taker back in. Taker goes for a choke slam but Cena is in. Batista spine busters Cena and Taker bench presses Michaels Taker throws Michaels onto Batista and leaves. Shawn and Cena team up and Michaels drops an elbow on Batista They hit a double Five Knuckle Shuffle then Michaels nails Cena with Sweet Chin Music. Batista crawls over for the victory.
Winners: Batista and Taker

FINALLY. Somebody finally did it at last. Shawn does a you can’t see me and the DX chops before….we go to commercial?! It’s after ten already Vince!

Random Commercial Thought: How come I’m not done already?

We come back oddly to see a replay of Michaels turning on Cena finally. Then we see the replay again. They show Michaels celebrating on the ramp during the commercial…and the show goes off the air. What the fuck?

Highlight of the Night: The main event was highly entertaining and finally had a decently well done pay out of Michaels super kicking Cena.

Lowlight of the Night: Khali single handedly throws more dirt onto Flair and Carlito

Eugene Award: Rory…I mean Eugene, imitates Donald Trump for us. You have to feel sorry for that guy. Saddled with a horrible gimmick, no resembling a jobber Scotsman and pretending to be Donald Trump for the amusement of no one.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).