Tonight, Raw is 100% more Trumpified with Donald Trump taking over this era.
An era that hopefully only lasts until the end of the night when Donald suffocates to death beneath his now self-aware hair
piece, reaching down over his face to put an end to the evil it has let go unabated for far too long. Tonight’s show
is commercial free, and thus commercial thought free as well. That’s too bad. I’m gonna miss getting to say whatever
random shit whenever I want.
McMahon and Orton are shown in replays to let you all know about the new status quo for the show. It’s all pretty dragging
and just as boring coming out of Trump’s mouth as it was before.
Show then opens proper with theme and pyro and
a bunch of fans thinking to themselves “When will I piss with no commercials?” We get a pimping for the Last Man
Standing match which will likely take up the bulk of the broadcast. I love how Trump’s titantron video shows his hair
in like three different colors. He takes his dear sweet time in getting out to the entrance ramp, showing he has the same
unfortunate disease as Orton (syphilis?), walking incredibly fucking slowly. He reminds us there will be no commercials to
save our sanity. None. BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF TRUMP’S HAIR PIECE. He then offers something that WWE fans have been
begging to get for years now. A full refund to whatever you paid to get in tonight. I see one ugly bitch wondering if she
will get the blow job back that she gave Vince to get a front row ticket.
John Cena is out next. He does a pointless
recap of what we LITERALLY heard just seconds ago. He then decides to call the Miz out on being a royal douche bag. They decide
to meet up in the ring while I wonder why the fuck Cena is wearing a John Deer logo with the stupid Attitude Adjustment phrase
on it. Miz calls him a coward face to face. Cena announces they have a match at the Bash which is already looming at this
weekend. Didn’t we have a ppv two weeks ago? Jesus Vince slow down. John Cena accuses him of bringing a knife to a gun
fight and much to my disappointment doesn’t then flex his arms to show off said “guns”. That would have
been so cheesy it would have been awesome. Miz delivers a punch which barely rocks Cena then runs away like a small girl.
This is kinda like that time I had to read that fan fiction that crossed over Dragonball Z and Anne Frank…I’m
not lying it exists.
Vince is seen with a driver and a broken limo stuck in the middle of nowhere saying that Trump
got the good limo. He tells the driver when suggesting that they walk to the gas stration. Vince gives us the shocking revelation
that he’s never been to a gas station in his life. This begs the question of what his limo runs on. Probably the soul
of Stevie Richards. He then tries to ride the driver to the show which only lasts a few feet. He is certainly not a Yoshi.
We then get a spot the product placement as JR puts out a positively MASSIVE bucket of KFC on the desk.
comes to the ring and spits up a little on stage. He doesn’t seem too well, kinda wandering around. He’s
teaming up with The Great Khali and Rey. This is….odd. Can someone explain to me why we’ve decided to put Smackdown
on here? Also did I mention tonight’s show was brought to you by KFC? It totally is. Ziggler, Edge and Jericho join
forces as the new Legion of Doom while CM Punk arrives to watch over things and just kind of gloat with his belt like a dick.
Hardy & Rey Mysterio & The Great Khali vs. Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho & Dolph Ziggler & Edge
of these things is not like the other. Dolph Ziggler gets destroyed by Khali in the corner until he runs away to tag in Jericho.
Jericho seems non plussed and is thrown to the floor. Edge is soon tossed as well before Dolph joins them. Hardy suicide dives
and Rey stands on the shoulders of a giant to be launched by Khali onto them as well. Then Khali climbs up top and I’m
about to shit myself from awesome but Jericho stops his climb.
Rey is the legal man in now after Jericho is fought
off and he sets Jericho up for a 619. Edge trips him up for a two count by Jericho. We see the Grilled chicken buckets have
duplicated themselves in number on the announce table. Nothing looks as retarded as the World Champion trying to look serious
behind a couple of buckets of chicken. Edge is in now, but he eats a hard shot to the head. Hardy and Ziggler are in. Jeff
looks very sloppy here tonight. I think he’s back on the drugs folks. Status Quo. Ziggler gets wrecked but Edge delivers
a spear. Khali tries for a Double Chokeslam on Edge but its broken by Jericho. Jericho’s code breaker fails but it allow
a spear on Khali. Rey sets Jericho and Edge up for the 619 but Jericho slips out of it. Rey kicks Jericho off and moonsault
son the outside so Hardy delivers a Twist of Fate to Ziggler back in the ring. Keeping tracks? Swanton wins it.
Punk comes into the ring to raise Hardy’s hand. Punk then stares him down with the belt as he leaves.
Vince is seen pounding on Donald’s door. How the fuck did he get there? Wha-but…..middle of nowhere….lost…HOW?!
Santina approaches him to suggest Vince and Donald combine to form McDonald’s. Is that like Voltron? Did that count
as more product placement? Donald shows Vince to his new office and asks who Santina is. Donald fires her. Santino then steps
in from off screen in the other direction, disappointed she got fired…AH! Oh movie magic you old dog……Speaking
of Movie magic, I heard that Triple H from now on will be filmed wrestling Black wrestlers in front of a green screen so they
can be filmed reacting to his beating of their asses in a separate location, keeping Trips in total safety. More chicken and
Transformers shameless plugging before Primo and Carlito come out to basically call Legacy gay. Speaking of Legacy they come
with their new theme that isn’t Priceless.
Primo w/ Carlito vs. Rhodes w/ Dibiase
over the arm but Rhodes comes back, getting a bulldog in for a two count. Cody gets ran over by a shoulder block. Primo skins
the cat but Rhodes shoulderblocks him to the floor. The ref gives everyone an impromptu bitching, I guess he’s like
my mother. Rhodes drags Primo back in for a two count. Primo tries to leap over Rhodes in the corner but is caught. He counters
with a head scissors and a side dropkick. Rolling elbow out of a silly cartwheel picks up a two count. Primo covers with a
jackknife for two and Rhodes comes back with a Russian Leg Sweep. Primo decides to come back with a cross body but Cody rolls
through and grabs the tights for three.
I refuse to believe this next segment ever happened. It involves
Vince being given Goldust’s wig and Vince’s office being a shitter. We then get a video package of Orton close
ups that seem to be showing off his O face. We then recap his rivalry with Trips. We aren’t quite in the second hour
yet as we set up for the Last Man Standing Match. It will be after the second hour though by the time we get these fucking
entrances finally through with.
WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Triple H (WWE Championship Last Man Standing Match)
starts after some obligatory introductions with the two of them pounding into each other. Trips beats Orton right over the
ropes and into the floor, slamming him into the desk. At this point, a smart man would beat him with the nearest heavy metal
object, but he brings him back into the ring for a spine buster. Orton slips out of the pedigree and sends Trips to the floor
where he hurts his knee. Trips reveals himself to be playing possum and clotheslines Orton. He slams Orton chest first onto
the ring barricade. Oh my god not soft padding! The pain. Oh the pain. Orton has to rise to the count in the crowd now but
he makes it up easily with Trips tackling him from behind like a wild animal, pounding on his head. Orton’s face meets
more ring barricade. I wonder where he is hiding his sledge hammer? Probably his ass. He’s not walking funny because
of the knee. Orton attacks said knee, sending Trips back into the floor. Trips answers the count in
his own due time,
trying to rest his leg up.
Orton kicks the steps into the knee, forcing trips to answer the call again while Orton
fails at dismantling the stairs. He runs Trips over with the steel steps to the head. Orton drags Trips back into the ring
and just brutalizes the knee for a while, kicking and stomping instead of just using weapons like a non-retard. USE A WEAPON.
Trips rolls out of the way of a knee drop to his leg but Orton trips him up and racks the knee into the ring post. Trips kicks
a chair into Orton’s face when he tries to use it, leaving them both stumbling. Orton manages to recover and level Trips
with the chair to the face, bringing about another count. Orton gets pissed and beats Trips onto the table now. Trips
delivers a low blow to even the playing field since Trips’ own testicals are far too steroid shriveled to be vulnerable
to this. Orton counters the pedigree though into an RKO. Trips is left on the table not standing but he eventually claws
his up at 9.
Orton gets back body dropped onto the table when he tries to charge back in. Trips retrieves a monitor
and clocks Orton in the face with it. I’d hate to have to keep buying new ones of those all the time. What the hell
do they even show on those? Why would the announcers need to see the broadcast? Is it porn? Tell me it’s porn. They
begint o fight up the ring ramp. Trips delivers a spine buster on the ramp for trying to rush in yet again. You think he would
learn to stop doing that but apparently, learning from your mistakes is not covered in Wrestling 101. Orton scrambles up by
9 but he manages to block a pedigree with a back body drop. Making it back up, they fight on their knees, kind of like those
hookers I hired last night. Heyoooo! Orton is sent over the ring barricade into electrical equipment as both men try to struggle
back up. Orton ducks a ladder charge from Trips who manages to take out two gaffers in one shot. Orton literally starts
Trips in the ass which is hilarious.
Orton retrieves the ladder himself and starts to take out Triple H’s leg
with the ladder before adding a head shot. Boom. Orton sandwiches the leg in the ladder and starts stomping on it. Orton makes
the ref stop the count because he apparently doesn’t care about things like winning. Instead he wants to punish Trips.
Orton does the most awkward climb ever as if he could RKO off the ladder but Trips just pushes him off because it was ridiculous
and stupid. Trips finishes him off with a pedigree, hurting his own leg. Trips tries to drag himself back up by the ladder
but it falls over and we geta double count. HAHA Russo.
Winner: NOBODY YOU GOT FUCKED.
And now, to the back
for more Miz/Maryse. Besides continuing the M&M theme, I don’t see a point to this bullshit. She demands he do something
impressive. I recommend he try growing a personality. That would impress me. And now more Donald Trump. He arrives with two
divas, one of whom ahs a skirt so short that if she moved too fast she’d be going full beaver out there. He asks us
if we are having a good time. I guess I can’t complain too much….OH WAIT YES I CAN. Why didn’t I get a real
ending to that last match you cheap fucking con? He reminds us that everyone is getting their money back and we have no commercials,
just giant KFC buckets obscuring the announcer’s faces. He says he won’t be appointing a GM and instead he will
be appointing a celebrity host every week. Oh God. The first better be Chuck Norris, then Steven Seagal, and then Bruce Campbell.
In that order. Vince finally decides to rebuttal this. Vince argues that Trump will run
him into the poor house.
Trump argues that he can kindly go suck a dick.
Vince says he was stupid and got played so that Trump can drive him
to bankruptcy. Vince begins to offer money to the effect of more than he paid to get Raw back. Is this Deal or No Deal? Where’s
old Howard Mendel? He tries to double the money Trump paid. Trump makes a deal to sell it back for this. Wow this didn’t
last long. Vince says if they ever cross paths again, he’ll kick his ass. Vince then fires him. Donald’s toupee
stares Vince down and he socks him one hard. The two have to be kept apart by suits.
And now more chicken. If that
stuff is so fucking delicious, why has no one eaten any of it yet. Elsewhere, Vince is pissed and confronts Legacy to
say if Orton thinks he is in pain now, he can’t wait for the bash. Orton says Vince needs to have a little decency and
let him be. The guy who molests and attacks women. It’s going to be one of those three matches in one with a regular
match, then a falls count anywhere match and then a stretcher match if it needs to decide things. He calls it the three stages
of hell despite not involving Satan’s Playground.
And now divas!…where are you going?
& The Bella Twins vs. Rosa Mendez & Beth Phoenix & Diva’s Champion Maryse
Mickie starts us off with
Rosa Mendez who demands a fight. She happily eats a forearm shot and runs to lick her wounds, tagging in a menstrual pissed
Beth. Beth scoops Mickie up and tosses her lightly to the apron. She ducks a leaping clothesline and shoudlerblocks James
to the floor. Bella um…whichever it is comes in and gets knocked immediately down. Rosa leaps on top to pound away viciously
but she misses a clothesline and takes a head scissor from Bella. Bella 2 tags in for some double teaming. Maryse distracts
the ref allowing Beth to attack Bella 2. The heel continue to distract the ref and keep beating Bella 2 down. Maryse is finally
in and continues to work over Bella 2 with a backbreaker for two. This is punctuated by some of the worst puns in King’s
career. This is probably a bad time to mention I would totally do all of these women. Live with that image for a bit.
tags back out to Rosa who happily comes in to fuck up soon. She works a headlock which predictably gets countered. Rosa takes
a forearm and face buster before Mickie comes in. Mickie destroys Rosa and Mickie decks Beth on the apron before scaring Maryse
away. Neckbreaker looks to finish Rosa but Beth breaks it up. Double Bella dropkick takes out Beth and Mickie chases off Maryse
again. A clothesline from behind from Rosa is punctuated by Mickie delivering a sharp super kick for three.
Because we love this commercial free, let’s talk about National Treasure now which will be ran commercial
free. Yay, no you can watch it in worse quality than on your DVDs but without commercials at least. Time to round off tonight’s
show with yet another encounter between the Big Show and John Cena which has just turned the Big Show into Cena’s personal
Shockmaster, a completely unthreatening villain with very grand ideas.
John Cena vs. The Big Show
the early advantage in sending Show to the floor but when he follows out he’s thrown to the floor. Big Show is caught
off guard trying to get back in but he soon levels Cena with a huge spear. He stands on Cena’s throat for a big and
drops some elbows for a two count. Show stalks Cena around, delivering shushed chops, but Cena ducks out and rallies back.
Cena fails and gets scooped for a powerbomb, but he counters it into a senton which made it look more like Big Show was trying
to duck him off.
Big Show continues to assault Cena and delivers a back suplex that picks up a two count. Cena is put
back in the corner and crused with heavy chops. Show delivers a big butt slam….I hope I never have to type those words
ever again. Cena tries his usual offense rallying but is just crushed by a back elbow. Show is caught in a corner charge by
some kicks before being taken down. Cena delivers his flying guillotine leg drop before the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena celebrates
and turns around into a choke slam but he kicks out because he’s the god damn John Cena. Big Show walks on his chest
and delivers a splash out of the corner. Big Show decides he need sto punish Cena more with a submission. The set up here
looks more like it’s setting up for rape instead of the camel clutch. Cena slips out between his legs and bows Big Show
back into the STF. The Miz is out and Cena punches him off the apron. He scoops Show up for the FU but Miz pushes them over
behind Show’s massive girth from the ref’s view. Show falls on Cena to pick up the three.
calls hiding behind a fat man impressive. Amazingly the show isn’t over as we see Orton just walking through the back
toward an overly obvious open car trunk. He’s attacks but Trips who shuts the trunk on Orton’s back and has a
heart to heart with him, nuzzling his face in a creepy manner.
Highlight of the Night: No commercials was pretty awesome.
fo the Night: Chicken steals the spotlight entirely.
WWE “Creative” Award: What was the point of selling
to Trump and then buying back? I don’t understand how this served any purpose.