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WWE RAW RANT: (06/02/08) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the only article on the internet where yo mamma is so fat her blood type is Rocky Road. And that is the kind of note we are going to open tonight on because it’s really fucking hot outside and I’m in a terrible mood because of it. Here’s an interesting factoid though while I’m at it, I was eating some cookies and cream ice cream when suddenly my spoon hit something solid. I immediately stopped to put the Indiana Jones theme on as I began to excavate an entire fucking cookie from the ice cream, wholly intact. It still has the cream sandwiched between the two cookies. That was awesome. There was no real point to that story, I’m just trying to avoid dwelling the rather overly predictable results of last night’s PPV. The only thing that really bothered me though was Edge regaining the title because we SO aren’t tired of Smackdown’s miniature Triple H yet. Not even.

Raw 06.02.08

Triple H opens our show to talk about how awesome he is, wondering who’s next, but it’s definitely not Goldberg. Instead it turns out to be Cena. Tune in next week for the rest of 2006. Cena claims he isn’t a psychic and that the future is now and he didn’t come out to say he hates him, but rather they see eye to eye, probably because they are pretty much the same height. He says he has yet to be conquered by the king and with the next draft looming, it’s an opportunity that might not happen again (much to everyone’s glee, tired of seeing this fucking match). He asks if he’s ready for the biggest event in this business, free money? Trips says if he wants some he needs to come get some but Jeff Hardy decides to interrupt things and comes hobbling out. Apparently his legs didn’t agree with leaping off a truck. Go figure. Jeff appears to have stolen his hair tonight from the clown that advertises outside of Papa John’s Pizza. Jeff says three guys won matches last night and here they are. Thank you Captain Obvious. He goes on to tell us what those matches were. Jeff says they are both in line for that title because winning won match grants him the right. Trips says he doesn’t care who he beats (because he will. Obviously.) and asks them to work it out themselves. Jeff says Vince will give the people what they want and he loves First Time Evers (that includes hookers). Hardy pimps him against Cena and Vince has to interrupt them while they converse kind of awkwardly. Vince gets booed for saying he wants to give away a million…next week. Vince says it will be Cena and Jeff Hardy to go on to Night of Champions and face Triple H, just repeating what they fucking said earlier. Lame.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve got balls of fury.

Back to the show where Kennedy arrives. Does Paul Burchill wash his hair in the grease vat at Popeye’s Chicken before he comes to the ring? Kennedy claims he got Regal fired last week because he apparently went back in time. He says Regal cried like a girl and he’ll leave Burchill crying too. “Oooh I want my scones!” That’s what I imagine most British pussies whine about. Burchill comes out to say he’s busy helping Katie prepare for her first women’s match tonight so he’ll have Umaga do his fighting for him. YouManga has taped up “Please hit me here” ribs tonight.
Mr. Kennedy vs. Umaga

Kennedy runs into Umaga with little success. Glad that worked out for him. King suggests Umaga’s ribs may be fractured but he just couldn’t tell the medical personal that, because apparently they are completely useless at their jobs and wouldn’t be able to tell. Umaga hurts himself by missing a corner charge and Kennedy targets the ribs before being chucked to the floor. Kennedy dodges a dive to the outside causing Umaga to smash himself into the table as Kennedy crawls back into the ring for the count out win.
Winner: Kennedy

Burchill then trips him and delivers a nice flying neck breaker from behind. We see some old farts carrying Vince’s money in the back including an old woman with red hair that makes the Human Torch look yellow (thus giving him a strength against the Green Lantern…)

Random Commercial Thought: Does anyone ever actually buy a car just because they saw it on TV?

Vince introduces the money to the ring…and it has it’s own theme song. Didn’t they use that song for Donald Trump? Vince says we can register to win online if we live in America, fuck you Canada. He calls this a concern for a few of the audience in California. Fuck you Mexico. Anyone he’ll split up the money amongst winners throughout the week before answering the question of why he is doing this. Ratings are down? He admits it’s because he wants to get more people attracted to Raw. At least he is honest. He even says he wants old fans to come back please! Please come back! He mentions that people look down on us for watching wrestling. Fuck those guys too. I bet they’re British.

Random Commercial Thought: Did Godzilla go yet? I bet that load was huge.

Back to the show where I am made elated that I don’t have to suffer through Jimmy Kimmel’s cousin wrestling Santino. Awesome. Sucks to recap Smackdown right now. But right now I have to suffer through a match involving Holly and DEFAULT. Cody says there is a special time keeper for the match, Piper of course. Scottish can’t keep time….OH GOD PUT ON A SHIRT.

Santino Morella & Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly (Non-title Match)

Santino distracts Cody as Carlito attacks him from behind. Santino tags in and gets caught by Cody’s spring board cross body from the corner. Santino counters out of the pin with a judo toss and tags in Carlito. Carlito delivers a spine buster and tags Santino back in who misses a top rope dive entirely. Holly tags in now and levels Santino with rights and back body drop. A low kick to the “mid section” follows and Santino catches holly with a kick to the face but is tripped up by Piper. Piper and Santino argue with the ref but Carlito delivers an Apple Jack to Holly allowing Santino pick up the win.
Winners: Santino & Carlito

We learn that JBL will take on Chris “I’m on the same streak as CM Punk” Jericho for the Intercontinental Championship before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: they cut out the line by Colbert about the hooker from the Love Guru trailers. Gay.

Back to the show. Santino calls him and Carlito Wieners, or winners or something. Fucking Italian. Tard interviews him but nobody cares what they have to say. Santino reads the top ten list of how he will destroy Sal. He’s reminded that is just Leno. He keeps ripping off Leno trying to find a way to humiliate them. He ends up with the insult comic dog. My God. Holly approaches Cody and is pissed and says he’s the leader, not Cody and needs to be let known when shit goes down like that. Ted Dibiase approaches afterwards because for some weird reason there are two tunnels leading into the dressing room with no door. Awkward. He says he’ll choose a partner in a few weeks and become Tag Team Champion, leaving the looks on their faces as priceless as his cheesy generic voice. Or something like that.

Elsewhere JR interviews Jericho via video about trying to help Michaels win last night. Jericho says he hasn’t defended the title as much as he’d like and from now on he will defend it as much as he can…and probably lose it as fast as possible. JR says that match is next and the camera actually starts to fade before Chris starts talking again and the came pops back up hilariously for his dedicating the match to Michaels. He’s doomed.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish it really was that hard to get into Subway so I wouldn’t be dragged off to eat their so much.

Back to the show. Replay of Jericho almost beating Michaels with a chair and then crying about it. I’ve always wondered what kind of gas mileage JBL’s car gets but he doesn’t drive out in it tonight. There’s going to be a big press conference for the Million Dollar Mania (Don’t practice your alliteration on me) tomorrow at noon if you care. I know I don’t. Did Jericho mug the lead singer of Nickleback for that top?

JBL vs. Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho (Intercontinental Title Match)

Jericho works over the arm early on, catching JBL off guard and slamming his knee into the elbow. JBL punches his way out and delivers a stiff neck breaker as a big Jericho chant starts to rise. JBL drops a series of Elbows (Part 1, Part 2, and Elbow the Reckoning) for a two count. Full Nelson that is totally not the same thing as the Masterlock as the ref seems to be taunting Jericho with the way he asks him if he wants to give it up. What an ass. Jericho tries to butt heads to get free but is just tossed down and stomps. Up top now and JBL pummels Jericho on the top turnbuckle before being countered into a swinging DDT. Jericho follows with clotheslines and goes for the Walls but gets kicked in the face for his trouble. JBL gets tripped up and choked on the middle rope before eating a clothesline in the corner. JBL rallies back but bombs the Clothesline from hell, taking a dropkick and then the springboard dropkick on the apron. He dodges a baseball
 slide and knocks Jericho in the face with a boot. Jericho decides to fuck that shit as JBL is DQed for the use of a chair, and instead shoves it into JBL’s throat.
Winner: JBL

JBL has injured his throat again and Jericho has second thoughts again of smashing JBL as the crowd chants for him to do it. He doesn’t though. Pussy.

Random Commercial Thought: Never perform with cartoons in public. Words of wisdom.

Back to the show. More pimping of the money. I’m surprised they haven’t dressed it up like a cheap whore. And Here comes Beth Phoenix. Replay of Beth snapping Melina in twain before Katie Lea comes out as the only other heel Diva for support. I’d hit it. Tonight’s show is brought to you by Ninja Gaiden II because things with “Beginning” in the title should totally have a sequel. Melina is out next followed by Mickie “I’m just warming the title for Candice” James. Melina doesn’t want to get in with her bad back so Katie jumps Mickie from behind (kinky).

Katie Lea & Beth Phoenix vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James & Melina

Headscissors out of the corner from Mickie James and she drags Katie back to the corner, holding out for the tag from Melina who just stares at Beth from across the ring while Katie breaks away. Mickie gets up in her face only to be kicked down by Katie. Beth tags in and Melina starts looking kinda ugly mad. Mickie kicks back at Beth and Melinda screams for the tag. Mickie won’t give it to her at first but she finally does. Cat fight ensues as Melina tears into Beth, ripping and clawing. Awesome. Katie has to protect Beth and Mickie drags her off as it goes to the floor. Melina breaks away and runs at Beth, right into an arm. Beth crushes her back to the edge of the ring and Katie tags in with a kick to the midsection. Big Melina chants now. Katie slams her down out of a bridge but gets caught by a kick as Mickie tags in. Mickie clears the ring and delivers a bit of a sloppy neck breaker to Katie Lea following by a top rope lou thesz press. Katie kicks
 her in the face and shoves Melina from the apron but walks into Mickie’s DDT. Katie shoves her off into a shot from behind by Beth and Katie scores the pinfall.
Winners: Beth & Katie

Paul arrives to cheer her. What’s with the one glove? Is that…the dirty hand? Katie tries pointing behind Paul, but like a retard in a horror film he just looks at her quizzically while Kennedy assault him from behind.

Ransom Commercial Thought: TV has taught me that Australians only hunt Kangaroos, drink Foster’s and complain about the British.

Cryme Tyme is here and they stroll over to the cash only to be deterred by the grumpy cops. They immediately leave. Wow. They did absolutely nothing. Thanks for the pointless racism guys. King and JR jabber  for a while before Cade arrives. I love how his video is just him punching Murdoch from a dozen different angles. Murdoch follows in his new um…interesting theme song and attire. Wow. How do you wear that coat and a trucking hat? Murdoch grabs a microphone and says he embarrassed him in front of millions and asks him to bring it on through song. How quaint.

Trevor Murdoch vs. Lance Cade

They start throwing fists with Murdoch knocking Cade to the floor and catching him with a series of elbows. Murdoch eats a back body drop and is rolled back in before being set up with his head to the ring post. His head becomes the filling in a sandwich formed by Cade’s knee and the ringpost. Ouch. Cade starts hammering on Murdoch some more before going to a chin lock. The world’s slowest jaw breaker gets him free as Murdoch delivers some million dollar knee lifts. Murdoch delivers a running butt for two and shows off for the crowd as he goes up top.  The axe handle misses with a shot to the gut from Cade and a big spine buster/powers bomb crushes Murdoch for three.
Winner: Cade

In the back, Hardy is stretching. Apparently he prepares for his bouts in a cage though. What the hell is that even doing back there?

Random Commercial Thought: And now they put the line of the hooker back in. Make up your minds.

Back to the show where we recap of Undertaker losing last night. So gay. In the back Mickie James and Cena discuss how people can’t accept they are friends. Friends with extreme benefits. He tries to tell she left something behind and hands her a pair of balled up panties before downing an energy shot. Product placement! Triple H prepares to watch our main event as if he was about to watch some low class porn.

Random Commercial Thought: Why does Bourne in the video game not look like the guy from the movie at all?

Back to the show where King says he’ll quit to register for the money. Aw, but what would we do without someone there to approach all the little girls at ringside inappropriately after the show? Why hasn’t anyone changed his theme song to The Van Man yet anyway? Off to ringside for Hardy and Cena. Pretty big pops for them tonight but you can tell Hardy isn’t quite as popular as he was before he left.

Jeff Hardy vs. John Cena (#1 Contender’s Match)

Dancing around the ring ensues with Cena going to a headlock and wrestling Hardy down to the ground and a random fan rushes the ring to a big pop and security kicks his ass, having to chase him around the ring. Hardy and Cena stop and start laughing, showing off to the crowd while the crowd cheers the guy being hauled out. Hardy goes to a headlock while the crowd boos the loss of their beloved fan from ringside. The crowd is actually still completely focused on the guy being carried away so Hardy ad Cena just kinda drag things on. I wish this was more like when Eddie Guerrero punched that guy in the face. The announcers finally return their attention as well as Cena delivers some heavy blows and drops an elbow for two. Back to the chin locks.

Hardy with a series of hip tosses now and a suplex for one. More chinlocks! I don’t see Orton in this fucking match. Cena escapes with a back suplex. Rough looking drop toe hold from Cena but Hardy pops up into a dropkick and slingshots on the ropes to send him down on the outside. Hardy taunts and leaps over the ropes onto Cena as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Don’t curve the bullet, just shoot Jolie, do us all a favor.

Back to the show where Hardy delivers a neck breaker for two. They simultaneously kick each others asses and Hardy dodges a clothesline in the corner, following through with something I wasn’t paying enough attention to see for two. Cena delivers a big flashback that JR calls the Blockbuster, which you might recall was Buff Bagwell’s finisher. Does Anyone else thing Cena’s muscle structure is kind of creepy in design? Hardy comes back with a face first suplex and goes up top to completely miss the Swanton.

Cena goes into shoulder tackles and lands the Protobomb before setting up some Five Knuckle Shuffle. He doesn’t really shuffle much during that move you know. He then proceeds to scream like fucking tarzan and swings away on Kennedy’s microphone. Hardy elbows out of the FU and goes into some clotheslines and hit’s the Mulekick before delivering the slingshot dropkick to the sternum. That picks up two. Cena whips Hardy into the corner and of course you see the Whisper in the Wind coming from a mile away for two. Big rallying for Hardy now as he signals a Twist of Fate but Cena kicks him out of it and scoops him up into an FU. Hardy grabs the ropes and slips out to the apron before kicking Cena in the face. Hardy goes up top with a cross body but Cena rolls through and carries him up into an FU.
Winner: Cena

Re-runs anyone? Trips comes out to stand on the ring entrance. I got to wonder why he bothered to dress to wrestle. Cena saunters up to stare him down while Cena communicates with him via sign language.

Highlight of the Night: The streak of crowd intervention continues and remains quite popular it seems.

Lowlight of the Night: The Million Dollar give away continues to be boring as all hell.

WWE “Creative” Award: Okay, why would we pick to see Cena and Trips again when we could have Hardy? Why? What is the point of this match?


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


Hulk looks like a lady. Or at least, that’s the headline I just read on AOL news as I’m typing up this intro. We have ourselves a photo of Hogan in NOW black and white threads on his motorcycle with manly flames down the sides….down to his pretty white little Mandal sandals. The fuck? Well that’s special. I hope you’re all ready to win yourself some money tonight. Just be ready to answer that phone and tell Vince exactly where he can shove his green. Go ahead, it would be totally worth it…until you turned around and realize that toilet still doesn’t work and the cat is starting to get pissed about you filling up the litter box.

Raw 06.09.08

Show opens with rape. Oh wait, that was Law and Order…okay NOW the show opens with theme and pyro. I almost think I preferred the rape. Tonight, we got JBL and Cena again as well as trips ad Hardy again. Oh yay reruns. Vince decides to start things off tonight as I guess he decided the only reason anyone tuned in was to hopefully win some match. His clear case is empty though so I assume we still need to parade the cash out. I wonder if it will get pyro this time as well as theme music. He says he must be crazy, but I’m pretty sure we’ve already affirmed that long ago. He introduces the money and hey some retard actually has a Money Mania sign done entire in rainbow colors. Our decidedly less old and more black guards this week take forever to get that cash in there. You have to give Vince a password when he calls you. The password is Flaming….yoooouuu? WWE Universe is password. Not like that information will help you saps reading this after the
 show. He says he’s splitting the sum up to be 200,000 dollars this first time right after this….hey look it’s Kennedy.

Man Burchill and Katie’s children are going to be fucking ugly thanks to Catherine’s prediction. I’m now scarred for life.

Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea vs. Ken Kennedy

Burchill gets tossed to the corner out of a tie up and the second attempt gets him back body dropped to the floor. He attacks the legs but Kennedy is right back up and he knocks Paul flat with some punches to pick up a two count. Headlock. Sloppy back body drop from Burchill that catches on the ropes. In fact, just about every move has looked very sloppy so far. Clean it up boys, this isn’t England, we don’t take that trash. Paul picks up two and goes to a headlock on the ground. Paul shortarm clotheslines but Kennedy ducks the third one into a spiraling roundhouse kick that would have looked awesome if he didn’t slip and kick him more in the shoulder. A running kick to the head in the corner gets two for Kennedy. Paul blocks the Mic Check, but Paul blocks. They exchange moves off the ropes and Kennedy bounces back for another Mic Check for the win.
Winner: Kennedy

Wow. A clean win? That kind of kills this feud dead. It’s crap like that that makes you wonder why you’re supposed to even care about feuds these days. Katie exchanges words and bitch slaps Kennedy who immediately turns Green and breaks her in half….or he takes a neck breaker from Burchill that is apparently called the Twisted Sister. After the match Vince dials a wrong number and starts over. That phone is fucking lame. They call….a Rick Roll. The guy eventually answers but Vince isn’t paying attention and he hangs up shortly after….and they call him again and he answers after the Rick Roll as well. What the fuck. He gets his money though.

Random Commercial Thought: I actually like Never Gonna Give You Up.

We’re back to the Oakland Raiders. Too bad nobody cares. Are they pirates? Mickie is here to add more hotness to the room.

Women’s Champion Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix (Non-title Match)

They say Mickie James has been getting pointers from Cena, but I think the only maneuver she’s learned is the “drop to your knees and pufferfish” maneuver.  I might retract that if she starts doing just five moves though. Mickie gets destroyed early on for two with a rebounding suplex off the top rope by Beth. Mickie counters into a head scissors shortly after and starts fighting back with kicks and rights, delivering a running forearm that sends her against the ropes. Mickie attempts another but has to duck a clothesline. Mickie spins out of a tilt whirls attempt by Beth and delivers a hard dropkick for two. Mickie up top now with the lou thesz from the top for three.
Winner: Mickie James

Crotch drop from the top is always intense. Melina attacks Beth when she attacks Mickie from behind.  Wailing all over her before Beth puts her on the top rope only to eat a face buster from the top from Melina. More money being given away. It’s just some schmuck who’s not me. No one cares. Oh look commercials! I wanna watch those…

Random Commercial Thought: Why the FUCK did I want to watch these again? Bonus: “Martin Lawrence has never been funnier” should be changed to “Martin Lawrence has never been funny.”

Back to the show. Cena and Trips talk about their match at the next PPV and it all basically boils down to Trips will get his job back from Hardy tonight. Vince invites Charlie Hoss…er I mean Haas (or is that Homeless Haas? What’s with the scruff?) out to help him for a few boos but he’s accused of bad luck when the phone won’t ring. On the third try it’s just busy. Some guy named Dave brings out a new number. I can’t explain how boring this is. Anyway some bitch gets 50 thousand and if he will kiss a diva she gets double that and so he makes out with Mario. He’ll add another 25 If he kisses Mae Young which half the crowd proclaims before it even happens. God. Mae wrestles him into it as Ron Simmons gets his pay check. Le Sigh. I wonder what else is on?

Oh look, JBL. He says we don’t deserve money. I do. I suffer through this shit every week damnit. He says Cena deserves everything he’s about to get….you mean the win?

Random Commercial Thought: Sons of Anarchy. I don’t even know what it’s really about yet and I declare it bad.

Trips is out at ringside to watch this mach between Cena and JBL about to begin. At least we have plenty of wrestling in between useless money sequences. There’s another New York press conference this Thursday. If you live in the area, be sure to go down and support your fellow TWF readers. I recommend signs of various TWF jokes and staff members. Try to shout as many expletives as you can before being ejected. Make it a contest.

John Cena vs. JBL

Cena gets jumped from behind when he looks to Trips. King says JBL knew he wanted to be a millionaire since he was a kid. Who the fuck DIDN’T want to be a millionaire? Cena powers back and picks up a two count but an early attempt at a back body gives JBL the advantage with some kicks and a clothesline for two. Neck breaker. Trips calls Cena the Rocky Balboa of the WWE which leads me to believe Cena should fight a Chinese boxer because that would fucking end communism. I guarantee it. It worked for Rocky with the USSR. JBL escapes a Cena come back and rolls to the floor to stare off with Trips as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Somebody thought we needed to see the same commercial for The Happening twice. Because we’ve obviously forgotten about it by now.

Back to the show. JBL is still staring at Trips as he destroys Cena on the outside and drops him some elbows. He then picks the elbows back up because he needs those to make his arms work. Headlock. What is King reading on his laptop? Is that porn? It’s porn isn’t it? Oh, also Cena is fighting back now, but he gets put in a sleeper. Cena now in “Hulk Smash!” mode, but he runs into boot. You’d think people would learn to stop running into feet. Cena now with his general offense. Protobomb and five Knuckle Shuffle. The crowd seems relatively subdued tonight though. JBL escapes the FU into the Clothesline from Hell but Cena gets his foot on the ropes. JBL just leaves as he realizes he wasn’t booked to win…oh no wait he’s going to destroy the announce table instead. JBL goes to retrieve Cena and gets pinned in an inside cradle for his trouble.
Winner: Cena

Trips stands on the announce table because we totally needed a shot of his ass. Totally. Cena and him stand on the table and face off. Trips leaves but trips Cena first. Oops. I suspect that the address to renew your subscription to WWE Kids is probably King’s. special Superstar visits my ass…..that sounds even more wrong than planned now that I read it.

Random Commercial Thought: Dragon Ball Z Burst Limit: Because making the same game with FEWER characters makes perfect sense.

Back to the show where King has Hulk hands now. Vince has Lillian stand up and says he will give away 98 thousand dollars which is equal to her total measurements. Er, yay? Steph wins herself some cash and no it isn’t Vince’s daughter. Are we going to have to do this every week now? God….onto the highlight reel with Jericho who calls out Michaels. Michaels appears to be dressed for laying shingles. He has considerably more teeth than the guy who worked on my house though. Jericho talks about the way he’s been booed even though Shawn was pretty much being a jackass all this time. Some words are exchanged but it boils down to, Jericho kicks his ass and breaks the obscenely expensive Jeritron 5000 with Shawn’s face. Commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: I still wish I knew what Braum’s was giving me more of. Dickings?

Back to the show with a replay of what just happened before…Umaga and Snitsky team up? What universe is this? Earth-2?

WWE Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly vs. Umaga & Snitsky (Non-title Match)

Cody gets shoved to the corner, but dodges a charge from Snitsky, wrenching his arm and tagging in Holly. They double team, but Snitsky just runs Holly over for two. JR calls Snitsky the man with the brownest teeth in the WWE, when I believe that is closer to baby-shit green. Umaga tags in and runs Holly over as well before tagging back out. Glad to see how a savage understands the mechanics of tag team wrestling so well. Snitsky eventually misses a leg drop and Holly dropkicks his legs out from under him. Both men make tags and Umaga just runs Cody’s generic ass into the ground before crushing him with the spike for the win.
Winners: Umaga & Snitsky

Ted Dibiase comes to ringside to say that ever since he made the announcement that his first match would be at Night of Champions, they’ve been embroiled in a complete suck fest. He says in two weeks there will be new world tag team champions and that moment will be priceless.

Random Commercial Thought: Skunkfu?

Back to the show where Jillian and Trevor are here to sing. Oh look at the time. Good night folks! Trevor starts off but she cuts him off for being horrible. Vince cuts her off to say dogs are barking all over the united states. Sarah wins two dollars. HAHAHA! Suck it. The next guy wins a much larger sum and just goes “Holy….” everyone has a great big laugh and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Is it just me, or did Signs really suck?

Back to the show where Santino is here. We see him losing to Sal, which I couldn’t possibly care at all. Hey it’s Cryme Tyme. Awesome.

Santino Morella & Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Cryme Tyme

Santino doesn’t like how JTG keeps flipping around and keeping him confused. He backs off and charges…into a trip. Whoops. Here comes Shad for a body slam and JTG is back in for a slingshot body splash with the assist from Shad. Nice move. That picks up two and JTG comes up top when Carlito distracts for Santino to be able to avoid a dropkick. I got distracted by this delicious cheeseburger I’m eating. I should recap that. Okay first I came in from the front with a bite and then devoured it for the three. Oh, and Shad and JTG crush Santino for the win.
Winners: Cryme Tyme

Vince says Cryme Tyme can have the cash if the guy can’t say the password. No such luck.

Random Commercial Thought: Shortest commercial break ever actually.

Back to the show where Cena pulls a Hunter and comes to sit at ringside. Jeff’s shitty music precedes him to the ring and JR claims he got a big ovation which in comparison to his old ovations is utter bullshit. Triple H’s entrance takes six times as long. I’m not even joking. I’ve always been curious if Triple H, being The Game, was made by Konami, thus explaining his inexplicable title reigns.

WWE Champion Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy (Non-title Match)

Trips runs over Hardy and seems to have everything under control until Hardy catches him with an elbow in the corner and delivers a neck breaker for two. He falls prey to that old ”run into a foot” problem everyone has. He counters back and drops Trips for two again. Triple H is back on offense now as he delivers the Harley Race knee for two. He acts surprised as he seems to expect Hardy to just lay down and not bother finishing this match. I assume he’s gotten used to not wrestling on Mondays. Abdominal stretch. Haven’t seen one of those in a while. Trips keeps getting near falls and delivers a face buster for yet another two count while JR tries to cram a huge pimp for the money as the show is almost over but this fight is dragging on a bit slowly. He starts laying Hardy out with punches. Hardy tries to go up top but Trips tosses him off then clotheslines him to the floor. Trips ends up eating the security wall when Hardy rallies back. Soon
 after he is tossed by trips over the announce table and into Cena, flattening him. Cena grabs Trips from behind and throws him to the floor. The bell rings shortly after…
Winner: Hardy

By count out? Whatever. We…go to commercial? It’s after Ten already!

Random Commercial Thought: Only rednecks tow home new cars.

Back to the show. Vince guarantees more money next week. Yay. Same rules. Get on that chumps. Some fuck named Steve wins the last. End.

Highlight of the Night: Vince McMahon gets Rick Rolled.

Lowlight of the Night: Mae Young appeared.

WWE “Creative” Award: Why haven’t we even given hints as to who Dibiase’s partner is? How do we build hype for his team if we only know him?


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


We’re back to more Million Dollar Mania. Things went over SO well last week, what with an even lower rating than usual. Yeah, sure went over great. Guess we ought to try it again. Fun Fact: The definition of stupidity is repeating the same action over and over, expecting different results. We can only hope maybe he’ll get Rick Rolled again or something tonight. Has anyone else noticed that since we went to HD, Vince has suddenly become as orange as the raving Hulkster himself? I think his radioactive HD tan is only rivaled by Alex Trebek at this point.

Raw 06.16.08

Show opens with Cena. He says it is no secret he loves the WWE and then talks about how awesome the fans are. Why is he sucking up to us? Does he want money or something? He says once in every great while it provides moments that transcend time. They then go about mucking about in the time stream, being general assholes and fuckups, and generally causing a lot of confusion for the rest of us in the present. HE recounts stuff like Michaels’ boy hood dream and Hogan and Andre and Stone Cold. He says that there isn’t an empty seat in the arena for a million dollars, but they are more excited about the moment where he and Triple H throw it down. What’s weird is this is really a good promo. Trips’ King of Kings music interrupts. PICK A FUCKING THEME ASSHOLE. Trips says he’s been trying to tell himself it isn’t personal and is having trouble believing his own shit. He says Cena cost him the match last week and is giving him a warning and there will
 not be a second warning. Only those who strongly believe in reincarnation should proceed. He says if he gets in his face again it will be real personal real fast. Cena calls him out that he started it last week and Trips says nobody told him to stand on the table and showboat in the first place….despite Trips was standing on it first. They start to get pretty heated and …well damn this is a good little back and forth. Cena says he may have the title but until Trips beats him he’s nothing. Ouch. That’s what Steph said!

Trips finally goes too far and Cena shoves him and the shirt is off he wants some shit to go down. Trips strips shirt as well and….Vince interrupts them with the Money’s theme song. A single ref comes out to hold them apart like he’s going to do anything. He says they can’t go at it, but we can have money. Yay money. Vince says the password is the gayest thing ever, Watch Raw and Win. Cena has a street fight with Umaga though. Samoa doesn’t have streets. They’re all savages. Trips wishes him good luck and here comes Umaga.

John Cena vs. Umaga (Street Fight)

Cena jumps him and starts wailing on Umaga who just shrugs it off. Umaga blocks a sunset flip attempt and a scoop slam attempt, landing on Cena for two. He’s headbutted on the apron and then sent flying off into the security wall as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Turtles are not interested in Tacos, only Pizza.

Back to the match. They’re fighting down the ring ramp, but Umaga delivers a Samoan Drop to Cena on the steel. JR calls it flesh on steel. HOT FLESH ON STEEL ACTION, only on Shotime. Umaga drags Cena by the arm to the ring post and Cena dodges an ass crash. Cena tosses Umaga to the ring and nails him in the head with a remote. Coming off the top now, Cena gets caught by a tilt-a-whirl side slam for two. Ouch. Umaga catches Cena with a clothesline and goes outside to clear the announce table and get a chair. Cena catches the chair though and nails Umaga in the stomach when he gets in. You would think people would stop tossing the chairs in before they get in the ring. Umaga takes a protobomb and the top rope guillotine leg drop. Cena fails to deliver the FU and collapses under Umaga.

I think that is the first time I’ve ever seen Cena just fall down under someone. On the outside Cena is thrown into the steps and it gets two. Umaga hasn’t earned his lesson yet so this time he tosses the steps into the ring. He miraculously manages to not get his ass beat with them on his way in, but when he charges with them over his head, Cena catches him in an FU and kindly does not deliver it onto the chair or the steps but he wins anyway because he’s John Cena.
Winner: Cena

After the match some retard who is completely over excited to talk to Vince. He’s forced to bark for his 125,000 from Vince and then it’s a bikini beach blowout and not blowjob as everyone originally hoped. Some really retarded music plays. Who the fuck is Eve? I don’t even watch the other shows anymore. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Who cares, I’m waiting on boobs.

Back to the show where Charlie Haas is hosting the contest. Replay of what happened to the poor schmuck. Apparently Summertime Beach Bikini Blowout requires three separate utterances of the word “Booyah”. And who the hell wears boots with a Bikini? And why isn’t Cherry here? Maria is the official new winner of rigged bikini contests, replacing Torrie Wilson. I would have cheered for Melina. Vince gets a guy from North Carolina and after he gets his money he asks him for the name of the most handsome and famous man from North Carolina. The faggot guesses Ric Flair, which upsets poor Vinnie.

Random Commercial Thought: Kaaaaaaameeeeeeehaaaaaameeee- oh look a butterfly!

Back to the show. We get a replay of what Jericho did to Shawn and that Shawn has some problem with his eyesight caused by the AWESOMENESS of the obscenely expensive Jeritron 5000. Vince invites Hacksaw out who cas done up his hair and is in a tux….as is his board. The next jackass has Vince leaving a smarmy message on his answering machine. He calls a phone that rings with the Degeneration X theme…for a long time. He finally answers. God I’m getting tired of recapping this. I want someone to tell him the password is “Go fuck yourself”. He starts to tell Vince to suck it eventually by saying he has two words for him but is cut off to do a Jim Duggan impersonation instead. Jeff Harvey is on his way to the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: If when I’m thinking Arby’s, an Arby’s logo appears over my head, then when I’m thinking porn shop does a giant pair of boobs appear over my head?

Back to the show. Carlito is here. He’s so going to lose.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Jeff Hardy

Crowd is hot for this match. Arg why is Raw going to be on an hour earlier next week? To spite me? Jeff and Carlito trade off a struggle with Carlito doing a back flip off the middle rope and charging Jeff who ducks and sends him to the floor. Jeff vaults to the floor and takes the fight back into the ring. Carlito delivers a sharp shot to the face as Hardy is leaping in, leaving him hanging on the top rope for a neckbreaker that gets two. Carlito slams him down for another two a little bit later and it’s chin lock time. This drags on for a bit and a shoulder block gets yet another two count. Carlito eventually gets himself all pissed with all the two counts and eats a jawbuster. Carlito counters a twist of fate, probably because Jeff telegraphed it by screaming before he did it. Just a guess. Carlito tries a baseball slide to Jeff in the tree of Woe, but Jeff sits up cauing him to almost rack himself on the ring post. Carlito is apparently Catholic as
 he crosses himself for not hitting it. Jeff then delivers a Whisper in the Wind for two and is now up top but Carlito is up. Jeff jumps off over him and delivers a Twist of Fate before going up top for the Swanton and the win.
Winner: Hardy

Post match, more money. Yippy skippy. Really I just want that big prop bill of Vince on the money behind him. Vince has the next asshole sing the National Anthem and it makes me beg for Jillian. HELP ME, GOD HELP ME. Kyle just won’t shut up and informs us Night of Champions is on his birthday. Happy Birthday Kyle from bummfuck nowhere.

And here comes Jericho. He says people are asking how he could do what he did. Easy. It was in the script. Replay of Michaels on the receiving end of an epic assbeating. Jericho points out he never did anything wrong and everyone still stayed pissy with him. He blames us for what happened to Michaels. He says it wasn’t his fault. He’s tag teaming with Snitsky now. He says we don’t deserve to be saved to which Jesus replies “No shit.” He says he’ll save himself from us. Good idea. He says he will punish Shawn for our sins, and bets we wish Shawn would come out here to face him, and he wants that too, demanding it. He starts an HBK chant. He says he doesn’t think Shawn will come out here tonight because he’s a coward. We get Ric Flair instead…wait what? And then commercials? What the fuck?

Random Commercial Thought: Who the hell is going to tell me I don’t deserve a sandwich?

Back to the show where Chris and Ric have yet to say anything. They’re just staring at each other. Eventually somebody realizes Chris is just polite and Ric is dead. When Jericho brings up his microphone it’s slapped out of his hand. Ric tells him to shut up. He says he may not be allowed to wrestle anymore but he’ll k ick his ass out in the parking lot right now. I love that when he pulls off his jacket he’s already sweated through most of his shirt. Jericho follows him in bewilderment. It’s a trap! Jericho follows him out but when he finally gets to the door, he’s met with Triple H instead. Trips tells him he’s called enough problems in the past few weeks and he’s been looking for a reason to make him his business. Chris asks if he’s going to fight everyone’s battles for them and Trips says he just wants to fight him. Jericho walks away like a little bitch.

Random Commercial Thought: I could use a drink.

Back to the show where Vince tells Ric in the back to not interrupt his show and has some men escort him out of the building. These are the tinniest security guards ever. My grandma could kick their asses. Vince makes a match with Jericho and Trips the main event as we go to the ring for….oh great. Hardcore Holly and Rhodes. They will be taking on Cryme Tyme.

I looked away for a second and the match was over. What? Apparently it was Dibiase coming down and it distracted Cryme Tyme allowing a quick win by Holly. Vince gets booed to give away more money. It’s another person from North Carolina. Damn hicks. She only gets one dollar for every one of Ric’s titles.

Random Commercial Thought: Did you know that despite the Hulk having numerous forms, there is now a totally separate Hulk that is Red?

Back to the show. Mixxed tag action, which is surprisingly not the title of a porno. How unfortunate.

Mr. Kennedy & Mickie James vs. The Burchills (Mixed Tag Match)

Kennedy and Paul start off with Paul gaining the upper hand after an assault from Kennedy in the corner. Kennedy and Paul roll around on the ground in the silliest arm lock I’ve ever seen. Paul delivers some knees to the midsection and ground Kennedy again, back to the silly hold. Katie tags herself in when Kennedy begins to rally back, forcing Mickie to switch in. Mickie decks her hard and a cat fight begins. Somebody cleans the litterbox though and they settle down, but Katie and Mickie are still fighting instead. Mickie eventually floors Katie with a kick but it only gets two. Mickie up top now. Paul looks to trip her but is speared through the ropes both of them going to the floor. Mickie misses the jump and Katie delivers a backbreaker for the win.
Winners: The Burchills

Vince calls a woman who wants to blow him off it seems. She begs him for the money practically. She says he is changing her life. He asks her for the most handsome man in WWE and she says he is. Stupid bitch.

Random Commercial Thought: Superhero movies are taking over Hollywood.

Vince gives away more money when we come back. Been here, seen this. Can we have a match? Ah, well Jericho and Trips are headed to the ring but more commercials first.

Random Commercial Thought: USA network finally broke its streak of good shows by debuting the shittastic In Plain Sight.

Back to the show. Uhg, but first Vince needs to give away more money and announces he’ll do it next week. Uhg three hours of this?

Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho vs. WWE Champion Triple H (Non-title Match)

After lengthy entrances, both men dance around in the ring for a little while. I think somebody needs to play some stuff from the Nutcracker and get us in the mood. Jericho stomps Trips down into a corner and hammers him down hard. The ref forces a break and this time Triple H hammers down Y2J.Jericho misses a follow up clothesline in the corner and a corner charge right after because he wanted to go for the double fuck up. This lands him shoulder first into the ring post and sends him to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Journey to the Center of the Earth looks like a shit sandwich.

Back to the match which is running incredibly late. Jericho is in control and chokes Trips out on the ropes several times. Harley Race knee nails Jericho but he goes for the Walls only to be kicked off into a corner. Jericho powers back but runs into a spine buster. Trips tries a pedigree but Jericho slips out and delivers a bulldog. Jericho bombs the Lionsault entirely. Back to the pedigree but Jericho fights out with a back body drop. Jericho tries the springboard dropkick but Hunter ducks and….Lance Cade attacks him?
Winner: Triple H

After the match Triple H gets owned for a while before Cena saves him only for them to fight which allows Cade and Jericho delivers the Code Breaker to Hunter and the “Whatever this weird powerbomb is called” to Cena.

Highlight of the Night: Ric Flair returns for a brief moment. Pretty cool.

Lowlight of the Night: More money given away. So multiple lowlights all night long just to piss you off.

WWE “Creative” Award: Lance fucking Cade? Are you kidding me? That’s the best you can do?


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


Welcome to the Three Hour Marathon of Raw to celebrate that one time of the year where everyone desperately hopes for the impossible. That being Triple H finally getting drafted to Smackdown….again….and staying there. That’s right it’s once again that time of year for the WWE Draft of Despair as I like to call it. And how appropriate it is that we preceded tonight’s show with the Mummy Returns, where The Rock got his first taste of that sweet, sweet Hollywood nectar and realized that pretending to be a tough guy in a movie is considerably less work and less gay than pretending to be tough guy by traveling the nation constantly and rubbing your body against oiled men. Good choice. But damn that movie sucked hardcore, which does indeed mean the movie itself got down on its knees and performed felatio on Bob Holly.

Raw 06.23.08

Show opens with theme and pyro. This is followed by something not quite akin to ballyhoo but more along the lines of subdued levels of undulating apathy. But nice effort anyway. King and JR explain to us that when a bran wins a match they get a draft pick. Mick has shown up with whoever it is that he announces with and says he desperately wishes to do commentary with JR. His jacket was stolen from the 1970’s store. Taz’s shirt is an offence to all creatures with eyesight. While we’re on the subject of clothing, Lillian looks like a cheap 80 buck whore. That’s the way I like it. Apparently according to Taz even refs are up for grabs because EVERYONE is hyped for Lil Naitch to get drafted to ECW.

First match is Triple H and the crowd pops huge for it. All of that heat is immediately sucked into the black hole he’ll be competing with. Oh wait, that’s Mark Henry. Same effect. JR and Foley will call this one.

Mark Henry vs. WWE Champion Triple H (Non-title Match)

JR says when you talk about strength you got to talk about Henry at the top. Maybe if you mean strength in body odor. Henry talks some trash and Trips delivers a suck it sign to which Henry responds by hugging him. Aw, that’s adorable. Henry delivers a clothesline and runs into an elbow so he starts using his head. Henry goes back to running Trips over for two. Henry controls the pace here which is akin to using that old slow down mod on turbo controllers for video games. I feel like someone is hitting pause every half a second. JR says Trips is attacking a house. I’m not really sure who would want to live inside Mark Henry that wasn’t a rare sort of micro bacteria. Triple H finally takes him down with a high knee and Henry reverses a pedigree into a power slam for two. He misses a….standing frog splash? What the fuck was that? Trips then delivers the pedigree for three.
Winner: Triple H

Score one for the one move wonders. And the first pick….Rey Mysterio? Well, I’m not complaining. That should spice up the main event. What is that gay theme? And here comes Rey Rey. He and Trips shake hands and discuss something. I assume the conversation went like this: “So I can be the first new guy to job to you right?” “You got it little man.”


Random Commercial Thought: Kamehamehas were meant for space travel.

Back to the show. Vince is here to give away his money and says the last person will win half of a million tonight. Kelly Kelly is invited to help him give it away like she did her virginity to get hired. Vince tells the person she got the password wrong and Kelly correct him then dances….TITS OR GTFO.

In the back Rey is telling Trips this is a new avenue (of getting his ass kicked by big white dudes) and Cena arrives. Rey leaves so they can argue about last week. Trips says it is personal because he lost a match to Cena and knows he isn’t as good as him. Must have been a booking mistake. Cena tells him if he wants to be the man so bad he should beat the man but Hunter says that until he takes the title, he’s nothing. Plato would argue that even with the title he is nothing unless he participates within the forms of being. You see, from Plato’s allegory of the cave, we learn that…hey where are you going?

Random Commercial Thought: What happened to the love?

Back to the show where Cole and King are here. Oh God. I guess it could be worse, it could be King and Taz. Finlay is out with his midget to take on Carlito and Santino. Fuck ECW.

Hornswoggle & Finlay vs. Santino Morella & Carlito Caribbean Cool

Santino starts off with Finlay and gets kicked right down to the ground. Horny tags in and dropkicks Santino for two. A Planta gets him another two. Santino grabs him by the coat as he tries to run, but he slips out of the coat because apparently his brain is bigger than his body. Finlay in but he runs into a clothesline. Te fight spills to the floor by the leprechaun flies into Carlito. I bet Carlito is still pissed about running into that wall, even if his hair did cushion the pain. Carlito tags out to Santino while Finlay gets the stick. Santino takes it away but the ref catches him with it and Finlay nails the cross (Get it? Cross…nail? HAHA!). Tadpole splash ends it.
Winners: Team Ireland

Jeff Hardy is going to Smackdown. Damn, I’m going to miss him. Orton is in a sling in the back, watching Hardy on the stage and fuming.

Random Commercial Thought: I’d totally do that syrup chick. Yeah….

Back to the show. Orton is here to give away money. His theme still blows. I hear voices too. They tell me to change the channel because I’m an idiot for watching this. I should listen to the voices more often I think. Orton says he was forced to be here tonight because he is eligible for the draft. Unfortunately that doesn’t include being sent to Iraq, never to be heard from again. He says Cena and Trips better hope he gets drafted, he will be back sooner than we can expect and he will be WWE Champion again. Yes yes. I would like to point out his shirt has what appears to be an Indian Skull on it. I wonder if he pisses in one. He says he isn’t in the mood to give away money. Vince says he’s in the mood though he will give away that and a Main Event of Edge against Cena….because we totally haven’t seen that fifty thousand times. Nope. The person who answers the phone is OBVIOUSLY the wrong person as someone is in the background telling them
the password and HER OWN NAME. Oh, and she thinks Trips will beat Cena at Night of Champions. We’re going to have a tri-brand 15-man Battle royal later, the winner getting two picks as we go to commercial now.

Random Commercial Thought: WHERE’S YOUR PAPER NOW?! WHERE IS IT?!

Back to the show where Holly and Rhodes will take on Neely and Chavo. He’s a Mexican Warrior? What the fuck is that? A guy that battles the Border Patrol? Adamle and King on the microphone now with Ted Dibiase to help ease the pain. I was wrong, Taz and King isn’t the worst.

WWE Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Bob Holly vs. Chavo & BAM NEELY (Non-title Match)

Chavo beats Cody into the corner where Bam chokes him out while Chavo distracts. Cody battles back with a suplex and makes the tag to Bob. Holly delivers some punches and a back boy drop before doing that totally legal kick to a region that is obviously the balls. Bam has to come in and kick Bob in the face to allow Chavo to roll up Holly out of the Alabama Slam. Cody knocks Bam to the floor and Cody tries to toss Chavo who flips out with a head scissors, but when he tries the same to Bob he’s caught up in an Alabama Slam for the lose. Congrats.
Winners: Rhodes & Holly

Raw nabs CM Punk. Oh good, he can team up with Mysterio and they can lose to Triple H together. The crowd seems confused as to why we’re supposed to care about this guy who loses substantially more than he wins. Jericho on his way through the back now as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m so special that burger isn’t even worthy of me.

Back to the show where Jericho comes out and apparently seems to be composing a My Chemical Romance song with these lines about being jeered and having trash thrown on him. Next thing he’ll be wearing his hair long again but in front instead of back. Video package of Shawn turning on people through the years and being a general ass. It skips Bret Hart. Why would you skip the only important betrayal of Michaels’ career? Jericho seems to be struggling then to put over Cade, since you know, nobody gives a fuck. He barely even gets a boo when he appears on screen. Cade says he was a prize student of Shawn’s wrestling school where they teach you to act twenty years younger than you are and stomp the ground in the corner like a real pro. He says something that goes in my one ear and out the other (but covered in a considerably greater amount of ear wax by then). We replay Shawn shutting Michaels down, with his -face-.

Jericho says the worst is yet to come. Oh god, more Adamle announcing? But instead Shawn comes out and tackles him in the ring. Shawn tries to spear him through the ropes but they get hung and kind of just have to tumble slowly. Shawn is sent eye first into the announce table and rolls around and cries like a girl. Jericho looks stunned with himself, poor sap.

Random Commercial Thought: I can feel the anger dwelling deep within you. Release your anger.

Back to the show where Cole recaps the draft so far. On to our match with Cole and Taz calling it. Am I the only one who thinks John Morrison looks like George of the Jungle? Vickie Guerrero interrupts their entrance to bring out two clones, or are those pallet swaps? Oh wait, it’s the Edgehead guys. She says they can’t face them tonight because of recent developments but she got another team instead. It’s The Hardy Boys. Aaaawww yeah.

World Tag Team Champions Morrison & Miz vs. The Hardy Boys (Non-title Match)

Matt and Miz start us off. Matt does some kind of taunt where he looks like he’s humping an invisible woman after knocking Miz down. Miz goes to arm bar because he forgot to bring a move set with him tonight. Miz forces Hardy to the corner for punches. Miz eats some turnbuckle though and Hardy bounces back with a hard clothesline for two. Jeff is in now and Poetry in Motion hits Miz in the corner with Jeff knocking Morrison off the apron. I kind of wonder why they call that Poetry in Motion. I’ve yet to hear a poem that went: “I stepped off of my sweaty broth today and sat myself on some other sweaty guy in a corner.” I don’t think it will sell. Morrison cheap shots from the outside with a kick to the back and Miz clotheslines. That odd elbow drop and sling shot combo from Morrison and Miz on Jeff for two.

Miz hangs Hardy’s head on the apron while Morrison distracts the ref and they delivers a double gut buster for two as Miz tags in. The crowd is pretty hot for Hardy, but not like usual. They seem really subdued this week. Probably because of how long they know they are going to be sitting there. Miz does the gayest corner charge I have ever seen and it’s only a clothesline….again. Does he know any other moves? It gets two though. Morrison back in for a double back elbow for another two. The Shaman of Sexy as Taz calls him, actually let me stop here. What is a Shaman of Sexy? Does he perform rituals to summon sex lives back from the dead?

Somewhere along the line Miz is back in to do a rest hold. Way to bust your ass out there man. Jeff delivers Whisper in the Wind. Matt is in now and goes to town on them both delivering a middle turnbuckle elbow to the back of the head on Morrison. Side effect gets him two when Mix breaks things up. Matt is going up top but Morrison catches him only to get shoved back off. Mid rope leg drop but Miz distracts the ref. Morrison then rolls Hardy up with tights for the winner.
Winners: Morrison & Miz

ECW wins Matt Hardy (this feels like some kind of slave trade) and the title with him. I’m sorry guys but that will not make me care about you more. You’d have to have something like naked women between each match to get me to tune in at this point.

Random Commercial Thought: Bad Company only ever seems to make me think of my family.

Vince says he crossed the line last week and would like to invite Ric Flair to give away some money. Because this is definitely how you want to remember Ric Flair. Definitely. Ric only gets to say one thing: DAMN!…oh now wait it was Whoo. Close enough. Are they turning him into Ron Simmons 2?

Random Commercial Thought: That girl on the Rock Band commercial is jail bait.

Back to the show where we see a video package about Mickie James going to a Make a Wish thing or something. Amazingly nobody wished to fucking tear that ass up. We are told the following divas match is a match for a draft of ONLY announcers….yay? Here come Melina and Mickie. Are Natalya and Victoria supposed to be the world’s most unconvincing lesbians? I think one of them needs to shave their head.

Women’s Champion Mickie James & Melina vs. Natalya & Victoria

Melina and Natalya starts off with Natalya eventually delivering a power slam for two. King and Cole were confused who was calling this match and everyone just starts talking about themselves. They completely stop caring about the match since it involves themselves for once. Oh, also Victoria is wrestling Melina. Victoria kicks out at two out of a senton from Melina. Roll up from Melina gets another two. Victoria kicks Melina to the corner who goes up top only to be thrown to the floor. Mickie helps Melina who looks hurt on the floor while some guy is still yelling for sex from her. Do it while she’s still helpless! Mickie protects her and the ref has to call the match when everyone starts flailing on the floor. Double team ensues on Mickie and eventually the ref fights the other two girls. He rules it a double disqualification. Both Raw and Smackdown get a pick. Wait, didn’t they both lose?
Winners: Nobody.

Smackdown gets JR. AHAHAHAHAHAA! Goodbye fatass. Was that wrong of me? Cole just gets up and leaves, deciding he’s auto replaced….before being drafted to Raw…fuck it. Can I have JR back? JR looks like he just smelled a fart. Cole is all pissy and emo about not calling Smackdown because he’s done every show but two for ten years he says. I don’t really believe him. Where’s Joe where I need him?

Random Commercial Thought: W-was that Braveheart?

Back to the show. Vince now has Khali give away money. Khali dials 1-800-AGLflghlAHGLAflck. Vince says Khali is in Get Smart. I think The Rock is in that too….whatever his real name is. Khali talks about his role. What the fuck did he say? Vince pimps The Rock’s DVD as well before giving away the cash. The guy they call tells them it is a wrong number and hangs up before they can say what it is and Khali rants at the phone in the single most hilarious bit I have ever seen in my entire life. Jose has them hold on a minute and gets the real guy as Khali tries to yell at him again. Vince asks Khali if he’s a winner to which he says “AGHFLAGHABLARGAN”. The guy has all the emotion of a turnip. Suddenly Edge’s music interrupts for his match.

Random Commercial Thought: Is it just me or does Angelina Jolie sign up for a movie and it automatically becomes pure shit sandwich material? Well, I liked Beowulf I guess.

Back to the show. JR and Foley call this match and talk about themselves some more because we definitely care.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. John Cena (Non-title Match)

Cena forces edge into the corner but gets cheap shotted right back out. Cena powers back and goes for a bulldog that Edge counters. The crowd is cheering big for Edge. Let me once again point out Edge is still the most repetitive hell since Triple H himself. The female half of the crowd rallies for Cena now and Cena powers back on Edge, but gets caught with a power slam. This nabs him two. JR and Foley still pretend there isn’t a match going on. This match isn’t much different from any other matches between these two. Cena eventually powers over Edge and begins to go to his standard offense, nailing the proteome and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Why doesn’t anyone ever move? Why? Cena tries an FU and Edge slips out into an Edge-o-matic but Cena breaks it and goes back to the FU. Edge recounters into the Edge-u-cution DDT for two.

Off to the corner for the spear taunt, which of course completely and utterly fails to connect. If you thought otherwise you should know better by know that taunts for finishers never actually hit. Cena counters into the STFU but Edge makes the ropes. Both end up top with Cena attempting to pull off a top rope FU, but Edge knocks him off into the ring post and down to the floor. Edge leaps off the apron for a cross body but is caught into an FU position and Cena proceeds to carry him up the steps. How he intended to get in the ring is anyone’s guess. Edge blocks by grabbing the ropes but Cena toss him to the floor and edge makes a run for it to countout.
Winner: Cena

Post match, Batista squishes Edge from behind and runs him over in the ring. Edge runs away again. Edge’s finisher should be running in the next game. Raw takes Batista. Cena looks shocked and Batista looks pissed. Edge waves bye bye to him as if he doesn’t still need to win his match. Wow, how completely ironic and not totally set up to happen this way before hand. Yeah, nothing fixed about this. Ahem. On another note, buy The Rock DVD or as it will be known in future edits, The Blurr.

Random Commercial Thought: Sandwiches are made of awesome and win.

Back to a show in the back where Vince has to tell Vickie and Edge that he still has to defend. She starts to stammer and ask what ifs and he replies that Edge could always be drafted away from her. She whines like the stupid cripple she is. Yeah I went there. And here is MVP. Do people care about him yet? Mike has to be reminded that they even got a pick yet. Tommy and…what the fuck is that THING with him? Colin Delaney I assume.

Tommy Dreamer w/ Colin Delaney vs. MVP

Dreamer and MVP dance around and tie up. They then are laid on railroad tracks while Snidely Whiplash cackles and strokes his mustache. MVP runs Tommy over with a kick to the head and gets a half of a one count. MVP hammers Tommy’s head with forearms from behind. Why would Colin want this guy to be his mentor anyway? He went YEARS where his only claim to fame was losing the occasional “Singapore cane” match where they don’t even use Singapore canes. Dreamer and MVP continues to trade blows with MVP winning by a long shot.

Foley tells Adamle they both know this certain playboy chick. Tommy gets mounted in the corner. He shouldn’t have dropped the soap. Adamle says Delaney just made his sudden appearance despite being their the hole time. Adamle must have selective visions. MVP then runs Dreamer over with a running kick. That’s it? Wow Tommy is sucking more than usual. And I thought that was impossible.
Winner: MVP

Smackdown picks up Umaga. Oh darn. Adamle calls him the Samoan Bulldog. Close enough. Smackdown got Jeff Harvey too if I recall. Umaga ands a Samoan Drop on Tommy for some reason and then crushes Colin in the corner who seems to have failed to learn to not stand in the way of an angry person for long periods of time. Dreamer eats and ass (HAHA) crash as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: It all comes down to putting your ass on the line to learn something? Why? Because Knowledge is power!

Back to the show. Another draft recap and here is JBL and….oh Jamaican me crazy dude. Kofi I’m not a terrible stereotype Kingston. …D-did the announcer just call him Shelton Benjamin?

JBL vs. Kofi Kingston

JBL just squashes him into a corner and starts hammering Kofi around. Taz and Cole are calling this one. JBL tries to sling him from the ring and Kofi does an awesome springboard off the top rope back in. Cool. JBL runs him over with a foot. I’m beginning to think feet in the WWE should have to wear license plates. JBL keeps this match slow. This pairing up is just awful. Kofi can’t show off at all because Jibbles can’t keep up. Kofi eats a fall away slam for two. The single most awkward waist lock I’ve ever seen ensues. JBL escapes a power bomb attempt and delivers a dropkick, but then he bombs the top rope shot and JBL delivers a clothesline from hell as Raw gets another pick like the whores they are.
Winner: JBL

I love how Raw basically rapes everyone else’s roster every single year, while getting rid of their guys that they’ve drained every ounce of heat from. Raw gets Kane. The fuck? Taz throws a baby fit. I guess the US Championship can always be the top title on ECW now *snort*. It was worth more than their belt anyway.

Random Commercial Thought: With gas prices the way they are, I bet that kid wishes he had stuck with the bike.

Back to the show. The girl he calls has a bad echo because she is in the audience. Some ass holds his sign in front of her. Time for the battle Royal. Raw has Cena, Kane, Batista, Punk, and Trips. ECW is sporting the B Squad in Morrison, Shelton, Mix, Hardy and Chavo. Edge, Khali, Show and people I didn’t bother to notice represent Smackdown as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial thought: Indiana Jones is about aliens damn it!

Back to the show where everyone is fighting in one giant cluster fuck already.

15 Man Tri-brand Battle Royal (Winner gets two draft picks)

Everyone kind of gangs up on Khali while the rest of the Smackdown guys are out of commission and they finally dump him. ECW and Raw combine again to single out Big Show who looks pissed. Trips tells everyone to go and just stands back while they do all the work and get owned by Big Show. Show delivers head butts to everyone. Chavo and Trips are last with Trips eating a side slam. That went badly. Everyone looks ridiculous in their colored shirts. It’s like some kind of gay parade. Matt Hardy saves himself from hitting the floor but Shelton takes the dive. Morrison has to gouge Show in the eyes to save himself. Edge is tossed almost by Miz and Edge hangs by his ankles and eventually kicks him off. That would have been funny, to be eliminated by Miz. Batista is saved by Kane.

King calls Batista’s spine buster the Batista Bomb. Taz is crying now as Batista eliminates both Batista and Miz at the same time and all of the other announcers go silent in awkwardness as he rants. Matt and Trips tangle with Jeff saving Matt. Kane levels Chavo but Smackdown capitalizes on Kane. CM Punk rides Big Show and gets tossed off his back over the ropes with help from MVP, but he saves himself and dangles. Kane and Show are fighting now. Man, I hate calling these matches. Imagine if like, fifty versions of ants were running around in front of you and you have to identify everyone single one. This is nothing like that, but imagine it anyway.

MVP saves himself from being eliminated by Cena. Edge spears everyone on every other brand as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Bathroom break.

Back to the show where Punk has been eliminated by Show. Taz wishes to not be reminded how few they have left. Raw is dominating right now until Matt Hardy starts beating on Triple H until he takes the face buster. Jeff suddenly kicks Chavo right over the ropes. MVP attacks Jeff Hardy….despite them being on the same brand. Jeff ducks and Matt dumps him. Jeff turns on Matt and they start fighting. Jeff tries to dump matt but he skins the cat and Jeff tries to kick him, but Matt catches the foot…you should never do that to Jeff Hardy. Jeff mule kicks him to the floor. Edge and Batista spear each other at the same time and knock each other out. Bright.

Raw has 4 to 3 on smack down now. Jeff Whispers in the Wind on Trips who steps out of the way. Trips tosses him but Jeff hangs on only to be shoulder blocked off. Edge and Big Show are all that is left and Batista spears Edge, despite bleeding quite a bit himself. Show tries to dump Batista but the DAVE holds on with a choke only to be thrown off. Kane then tries to choke slam Show which goes as well as you might expect. Show tries one back on him but Kane elbows out. Show just throws him out after. That works. 2 on 2 now. Show invites Cena and Trips to come and catches them both with a choke slam attempt but they team up and beat him down. Show double suplexes them both.

They rally and try to dump Show as Cena screams like a jungle man and they finally dump him. Edge is the last guy but everyone forgot about him again because Edge wins….every single Battle royal he’s EVER IN THE SAME WAY. It’s an Edge finish as Cena dump Trips to be an ass only to be dumped by Edge who snuck back in from behind.
Winner: Edge

Smackdown takes back Kennedy whom Edge is not happy to see. Kennedy screams at him from the ramp. Triple H….wait what? Vince gives away some more money. I didn’t win it. Oh well. Vince gives away some money and…part of the ceiling falls on him…and then the floor collapses…and the sign falls him….okay? Everyone runs down and tries to lift it. Is he dead again? This is what happens when you draft Triple H. It throws the whole universe out of whack. Bad Karma is out to get you. Vince keeps talking to Triple H as Paul and says he can’t move as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: A sign fell on Vince McMahon. Now call me a heartless bastard, but I enjoyed the shit out of that. *cough*

Lowlight of the Night: ECW gets buttraped.

WWE “Creative” Award: This is a good thing this week. Trips finally drafted (for real we hope this time).


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


Welcome to the um….mediocre Raw Rant…PERIOD. I say mediocre because after last night’s PPV Raw’s top champion is now…Kofi Kingston. Wait, what? Jamaican me extremely disappointed. That’s right. The Intercontinental title is now the top title on Raw just to make things gay for a little while I suppose. Also of special note is, MARK FUCKING HENRY is ECW champion. HAHAHA I’m glad I don’t recap that shit. In other news Cody Rhodes betrayed Holly to reveal himself as the mystery partner which begs the question of why Ted Dibiase was threatening Cody when Holly wasn’t around to see the act. Non-continuity for the win? Wow, where d we start? I can only assume Stephanie was so consumed with grief over Vince’s “accident” (grief that it didn’t quite work the way it was planned), that she relinquished all writing duties for the last week. Of course, the actual staff can’t be trusted by any sort of responsibility so she pulled the plots
www.fanfiction.net instead.

Raw 06.30.08

Oh shit I forgot Michael Cole is announcer now. Wait a minute….so our announce team is King Cole? If they break into a rousing rendition of “A Blossom Fell” I think I may well shoot myself.

Show opens with Vince eating it from the stage. With any luck they’ll amputate his limbs and he can take up rolling through the audience on a skateboard singing “I have no legs.” and jingling a change cup. We then go to Shane who is sporting some white sides on his hair. He says Vince is a very private person in reality and so we won’t say his condition right now and he asks everyone to pull together and try to make everyone believe our show isn’t completely without a credible champ. Not even.

Theme and pyro. Laughing out loud at Kofi in the opening credits. Cole calls last night controversial and spectacular. Kofi and Jericho will rematch tonight for the title, but first, here’s a fat ugly guy. No not Henry. It’s good old JR. He’s going to say farewell to the show. I’d like to take this time to note that JR has always amazed me….how he manages to form coherent words with a fraction of mouth movement that makes anime mouths look realistic still baffles me. Smackdown gets booed. Probably because it’s on a network nobody cares about. JR and King share a queer moment (which doesn’t make the world work). He says Cole will do a great job and Cole gets booed. HAHA. Fuck you Cole. JR tries to build him up as a friend and asks for respect to be given to Cole but the crowd totally disagrees. It’s probably the lingering moments of Cole being butt raped by a poem reading Nazi. JR starts to ramble about the memories. He accuses JR of being
 a Longhorn fan. A what? Damn Southerners. He basically goes on to beg us to watch Smackdown. Okay you’ve been on stage for ten minutes you faggot. Edge eventually interrupts. Oh yay.

Edge and his clones saunter out to a chorus of boos. Fifty dollars says CM Punk cashes in on this. Fifty right now. I say chorus because it is pretty rhythmic. Nice work. He says JR’s arrogance never ceases to amaze him and points out nobody cares about him or the Sooners. He has a point. What the fuck is a Sooner? He says nobody cares about Cole either. That’s also true. Plenty of truth in this promo. The promo pretty much goes to suck from there, but nice start. JR tells Edge to go fuck himself…or his herpes-ridden girlfriend. The Edge clones escort him out. How nice of them. I do hope they get him a nice car.

Edge goes on to say this show is missing things like a GM…this leads on to a line about Vickie that makes me want to cry…in horror. Absolute horror. God that bitch is ugly. He says this show is missing the Undertaker, but the entire WWE Universe is missing him. Wait, there’s a whole universe now? Does it have it’s own laws of physics? The last thing he lists is it is missing a World Champion. He wanted to point out to everyone on the show that they will never have a shot at his title and they can challenge Trips if they want, but unless he is drafted we will never see him on Monday nights again. YAY! I still can’t stand his terribly predictable match endings. Batista comes out as he’s on his way up the aisle. Batista apparently decided to forgo a shirt….or shaving…or hygiene…or a house…for the past few days. Long trip through the pit of danger I guess.

Batista beats Edge down the aisle and slams him around at ringside. He tosses Edge into the ring post like a javelin and the fight spills into the crowd. Back to ringside again. You know those are nice shoes Batista has. Edge eats announce table a few times over as well as the steel steps. Edge is rolled into the ring because when you want to hurt somebody you put them where you will hurt them less for your finisher. Edge begs but eats a Batista Bomb, which is looking more and more like a normal power bomb to me. And just as I thought….CM Punk arrives with a ref to cash in Money in the bank, I win that bet. Punk is pissed the ref is taking so long as Edge wanders around.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. CM Punk (World Heavyweight Title Match)

The crowd pops like a motherfucker as Lillian announces this match. GTS, pin, boom.
Winner: CM Punk

He won a match?! Holy shit!

Random Commercial Thought: there is no sexy on In Plain Sight this commercial is a lie.

Replay of Edge’s unfortunate luck. Aw. Sorry homes but Trips is on your show you didn’t REALLY think you’d get to keep your bigger belt? Now to Mickie James who got to keep her belt, proving once and for all that incest never prospers (without horrible mutations). Jillian comes out singing her own theme. Do we need her in stereo? Really? Did the growth she used to have on her face mutate into that microphone? Mickie has to eventually tell her to stop.

Jillian Hall vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James (Non-title Match)

Jillian slaps her so Mickie jumps her to the ground. Jillian rolls to the outside but Mickie slingshots through into a head scissors through the middle rope to the floor. Ouch. Jillian works the shoulder on the ropes and kicks Mickie’s legs out from under her. Mickie powers back with such technical moves as hair pools and pushing. Oh yes. Jillian tries her back flip elbow in the corner, but does it into a foot instead and the Mick Kick returns from the grave for the win.
Winner: Mickie James

Cole says that put the lights out on her singing career as well as King falls into an awkward amount of silence. Shot of Mysterio headed through the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I spent this commercial break pondering the mysteries of the universe.

Back to the show where Reyrey comes out to say he wanted to congratulate CM Punk. He says his entire WWE career has been Smackdown. Man, it sucks to be you. He says he was shocked by he likes it here, and here is Santino….with the WORLD’S MOST EVIL GOATEE. He must have found where Spike Dudley left if after ruling over the Dudleys. Santino says Shane told them to pull together and act as one and since he is the most charismatic superstar on Raw (this is actually true) he has come to welcome him. He says any man hiding behind a mask is incredibly ugly, stupid or Batman. He’s Batman. Speaking of Batman, Rey’s mask makes him look like Two-face. Santino tells him to “Shut uppa your face!” and looks at Rey on the cover of the new WWE magazine. What is that supposed to be? Rey impersonating Warrior? Santino says he submitted his own picture to WWE Magazine, but Rey was picked over him. It’s um….kind of creepy. Rey eventually gets fed up and
 delivers a 619.

Random Commercial Thought: Five Dollar Foot Longs does not refer to an African male prostitute ring.

Back to the show. Replay of CM Punk winning the title earlier as he is confronted by Tard in the back. He seems really broken up about his “accomplishment” of doing practically nothing. He says he feels awesome before coming face to face with JBL. JBL says he doesn’t deserve to celebrate. JBL calls him a paper champion. They folded him with origami. He tells him to step up and face him instead tonight. Punk agrees, because he passed his shower rape initiation I guess. Back to commercials.

Random commercial Thought: Hancock, because Footpenis was too creepy for a super hero.

Back to the show. John Cena is here. John talks about tonight being a night in history talking about CM Punk becoming the World Heavyweight Champion. I’m kind of tired of hearing about that now. I was there, asshole. He says JBL is bullying his way in and says he likes Punk and he would have said yes to anyone who challenges him. I like Knuckleball being on that list. Didn’t he show up a while back on Raw? He lists himself and says since Vince is not here and they have no GM, Punk gets to choose if Cena can be added to the match. Don’t do it Punk! You’re statistically decreasing your odds of winning by having people with more backstage pull than you in this match. Cena says he should replace JBL in the match. Didn’t Cena already beat him clean? He’s eventually interrupted by Jibbles.

Let me take this moment of boredom to mention that Wall-e is incredibly funny and worth going to see if you have any appreciation for Pixar’s films. The short film before hand is hilarious as well. Oh and JBL declares martial law in the WWE. EVERY GO TO TEXAS AND GET A GUN. He says it is his god given destiny to be Champion after tonight (Divine Mandate!). JBL somehow acquired his own crew of security guards. He apparently keeps them just for throwing John Cena out of arenas. That’s exactly what he said. I didn’t even make it up. He says he runs things around here now because he’s got the money to do so. Jew.

Security is told to show Cena the door. It’s a very nice door I heard, very rectangular. Cena prepares for a fight. Security eventually gets him and JBL pummels him to the mat before they drag him away.  Take that, Thuganomics. What are thuganomics anyway? Is that some kind economical system based entirely off of stealing and smoking weed? Cena almost breaks away a couple of times.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m eating food you can suffer.

Back to the show. Replay of Cody turning on Holly. Is Dibiase’s finisher a Cobra Clutch Leg Sweep? They have the worst theme music ever. Ever. They are going to fight two scrubs. Um, since when to the champions need to fight jobbers? These guys look sad.

Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase vs. Two Random Losers (Non-title Match)

Generic guy 1 gets overpowered by Cody who has taken on an Orton wrestling style now. Dibiase runs him down from behind when he sneaks a tag in. Dibiase drops some elbows and tags Cody back in. Cody drops some knees. After they pick all their body parts back up Cody delivers a DDT as Dibiase crushes the other guy with a clothesline.
Winners: Rhodes & Dibiase

They cut a promo that’s pretty boring. In fact I spent much of this imagining someone else was talking. Cody says when you aren’t this talented you don’t pay dues. He then strikes a pose that just makes him look like a gay model in those trunks.

Random Commercial Thought: Never trust a talking frog.

Back to the show where Katie and Paul are talking. He tells her not to get in any trouble and after he goes Jamie Noble pops in to put the moves on her. He says he’ll go up to the biggest, baddest man and draw the line in the sand. He turns and runs into Kane. What is that guy like the magnet for big ass motherfuckers? Jamie says without rules they are equals and tells Kane not to let him catch him in his bags (shitting in them?) listening to his Larry the Cable Guy tapes. Tapes? He makes a knock knock joke that just makes me cringe and Kane chokes him but Jamie runs like a girl. Kane decides to stalk him Jason Vorhees style. Jamie decides the best place to hide is at ringside where all the camera and crowd are to give him away. Fire bursts from the ring posts and Kane is still walking in the same slow manner. Don’t get in no hurry now. Jamie vaults the ropes and kicks Kane on the ground before he just sits up and uppercuts him. Jamie keeps fighting
 but gets his ass ran over with a foot and eats a choke slam onto the announce table. Jericho headed through the back now.

Random Commercial Thought: Paper Planes would be a better song if they didn’t repeat every part twice in a row.

Back to the show where we replay Jericho’s loss last night while he’s on his way out. Cade is with him. Did he steal that hoodie from Christian? Jericho says he’s been told Michaels isn’t in the building, but that’s always turning out to be a lie. He says Michaels must have a serious problem with the eye if he keeps coming out to get owned by one shot to it. He’s challenging Michaels to a one on one match at GAB, the event of the year…that no one ever cares about. You got to wonder if Jericho ever thought he would be wrestling at the Great American Bash again after leaving WCW behind. The sweet irony. Kofi is out next with fancy green pyro that doesn’t represent weed at all. Nope.

Random Commercial Thought: Pat Roberts approves this message. I hope so since he’s the faggot saying all this stuff.

Back to the show and….Jericho with Kofi’s head in his crotch. Okay? Welcome to professional wrestling.

Chris Jericho w/ Cade vs. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston (Intercontinental Title Match)

Jericho apparently has him in some gay chinlock but Kofi finally rolls him up for two. Jericho powers back with a clothesline, which should probably be called Powerlines since they power back so much. Kofi bounces off the ropes like a “rubber band man” according to Cole. Kofi dances over Jericho after knocking him flat and delivers a standing senton. Jerichho school boys for two and levels Kofi for another two. Jericho goes on offensive fully and delivers a lionsault for two which seems to surprise him. Guess he forgot he has two other finishers now. Jericho hoists Kingston He flips out into a sunset flip with the tights, but Jericho rolls through and grabs the tights. However he’s in full view of the ref who gets pissed and….disqualifies him? Wha?
Winner: Kofi

Post match Kofi gets eye gouged for his trouble and Jericho gets all mopey before righting a sequel to Dessert Song.

Random Commercial Thought: If you can fix her you can have her. That’s what most guys say about their wives.

Back to the show. Replay of Punk’s win again, followed by a video of Edge freaking out against his clones and blaming them before driving off in a huff. JBL arrives as we go back to commercials. Guess we didn’t meet our quota.

Random commercial Thought: Scare tactics is still on the air?

Back to the show where JBL gets announced in the ring.

World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk (never thought I would say that) vs. JBL (World Heavyweight Title Match)

JBL overpowers early and drops an elbow for one. Oh yay more headlocks. It’s like the WWE looks at an Orton match and each time they get a new heel to wrestle they say “do it like this.” CM Punk escapes and delivers hard knees to JBL but the fight spills to the floor where JBL delivers a huge clothesline. Back in the ring, JBL casually kicks him in the face as the crowd rallies for punk. More headlocks. This match up is so lackluster it’s boring me. Punk tries to fight out but JBL switches up to a sleeper. Speaking of sleep…

Punk fights free but runs into JBL against only to finally catch him with a boot to the face in the corner. Enziguiri takes JBL down finally and allows an INCREDIBLY bad looking Pepsi One in the corner for two. Punk ducks a clothesline but leaps into the fallway slam for two from JBL.  Punk ducks a shortarm clothesline and nails a high kick before leaping off the top with something that just looks awkward. CM Punk picks up two before Cena and….two guys who are ACTUALLY black in Cryme Tyme come to fight the security. In the ensuing chaos, Punk delivers the GTS for the win.
Winner: CM Punk

Post match Punk dies onto the security and assists in cleaning things up.

Highlight of the Night: CM Punk finally picks up an important belt.

Lowlight of the Night: Kofi/Y2J was just not that good and should have been given a clean ending to set Kofi up as legit instead of a fluke champ.

WWE “Creative” Award: Exactly why doesn’t Raw have a GM anyway?


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).