Raw 06.04.07

Theme and pyro lead us into John Cena's theme who, surprise surprise, defeated The Great Khali to retain last night. If they show one more picture of this kid who bought the fucking oversized forma Cena knux and is waving them around like an epileptic, I'm going to feed them to him. Cena rambles on for a bit, but actually I was envisioning something much more humorous which I COULD describe here, but it would very well drive your mind to the very brink of insanity.

He goes on to talk about the draft and how if he leaves he'll want to take it all in one more time before he leaves. He goes to say The Champ is Here (where?) before Vince interrupts. He says Cena is here to embarrass and humiliate him by still having his belt and Vince does not. Cena finally says he's convinced Vince is just tired and upset after last night and emotional. Vince just keeps saying his name ("I am Hugo Montoya.you killed my father.prepare to die!") until Cena tells him he is ranting like he lost his damn mind. Vince says he hasn't lost anything, not his dignity, empire or anything else, just his belt. he says that's what is going to happen to Cena tonight and starts ranting crazily and demands Cena defend the title tonight in a Triple Threat match against Umaga and Khali. Wow, it's like a triple Threat match.but in slow motion. The crowd seems unenthusiastic but for a female Cena chant before the grinning Vince scoots out of the ring to an awkward silence. Apparently the old Vince-meister has a few screw loose.

Random Commercial Thought: ROFLMAO Raw Attitude Energy Drink: Socko Your Face? HAHAHAHA!

Back to the show. Replay of mud fight from last night. Cryme Tyme is out with a new member for tonight. Ghetto Candice. After some severe badonkadonk in the corner, their opponents come down for the match.

Cryme Tyme & Candice Michelle vs. Kenny Dykstra, Johnny Nitro & Women's Champion Melina

JTG starts us off with Kenny after the girls are pulled apart from a cat fight. Kenny baseball slides to avoid JTG and Johnny tags in to take him down. Jonny hit's a hand stand kick to the face before tagging Kenny in who hit's a hand straight arm uppercut for two. Kenny stomps on JTG before monkey flipping him into the forearm by Nitro into the flying elbow with him draped over the knees. I suppose we should name this, but I mean.its Nitro and Kenny, does it matter? Shad tag in after JTG dodges a clothesline to make it. Shade hits an enormous back body drop on Kenny and crushes Nitro. Melina gets hit with a clothesline form Candice before Shad bench presses her into a cross body as well. JTG and Shad roll a join on Nitro for the win.

Winners: Cryme Tyme & Candice

After the match we see Maria talking to Morella in the back about how shiny his belt and her dress are (My eeeeeeeyyeees!) before Vince comes up in his Renfield voice to tell him to go defend it right now. He keeps repeating "Get" to them as they walk away, before hopping into an airplane with his dog to catch a pigeon. (no one will get that joke).

Random Commercial Thought: We have cars! Cars that have been in a fucking HURRICANE! By them now!

Back to the show where Morella has to wrestle his perpetual opponent, Chris Masters.

Chris Masters vs. Intercontinental Champion Santino Morella (Intercontinental Title Match)

Santino hit's a kick to the back of the knee, but Masters over powers and slams him down, choking him out on the rope. Santino escapes and hits hard knees and elbows to Chris before a gouge to the eyes allows Masters to slam him to the turnbuckle and hit an elbow for two. Masters keeps the pressure on to get another two count, but Morella starts to rally back with elbows and leg strikes, sending Masters against the ropes. He bounces back into an STO and Morella picks up two. Frustrated, Santino attacks, but Masters slams him down and goes for the MASTERfull Nelson. Morella slips down out of it to kick Masters in the face before hitting an Oklahoma Roll for the win.

Winner: Morella

Random Commercial Thought: Twix. The only candy that can stop time itself.

In the back, the Hardys run into Cade and Murdoch who say they want a title shot, but after they have healed up from the ladder match they had last night. Vince wanders up and orders the match to happen tonight anyway as vengeance toward the champions before he walks around to find Flair and Torrie. He says Flair is a degenerate for hanging (Haha..hang..) with a woman half his age. She reminds him they were caught with his pants around his ankles by Linda once. Flair laughs and says he saw that so vince makes a match for Torrie with Carlito. Flair and Vince argue and Vince says all he hears is "Whoo" everywhere he goes whether Flair is there or not. He says that make shim a legend so Randy Orton will kill him tonight. ((In the parlor.with the pipe))

Random Commercial Thought: All resumes should have a section for if you can kill a man in five seconds with your thumbs.

Back to the show where Randy Orton is on his way after they replay what he did to Rob Van (I'm sooo quitting) Dam. Ric is on his way next in his frilly blue robe. And I gotta wonder how many Mexican woman died on the assembly line to make those things for him.

Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair

Orton slaps him and Flair retaliates with harsh chops, sending Orton rolling around on the mat and to the corner. Ric smacks him on the ground before dragging him up for more chops and a boot to the face when he falls to the ground. Randy makes the mistake of standing again for more chops. Snapmare follows into more stomps to the head. Ric struts like a duck (quack quack Mr. Ducksworth). Orton catches Flair with a power slam before going to his RKO set up and the show just randomly fades out to commercial...oookay?

Random Commercial Thought: I never want to see Norbit. I don't even like to see the BOX for Norbit.

Back to the match. During the break, flair counters the RKO by shoving Orton off into a chop. The Nature Boy now has Orton in the Figure Four. Randy eventually escapes and hit's the inverted backbreaker. Orton starts to do his stomps and picks up a two count off the knee drop, holding his own injured leg before making the cover. Randy goes to the headlock punches (take a shot) followed by yet another headlock (take yet another shot). Orton hit's the Dropkick that as Joe put it, is apparently fucking Pearl Harbor for two.

Flair goes up top and talks to Torrie for some dumb reason, eating a toss off the top. Flair goes for the figure four on Orton, but he counters into a roll up for one. Orton gets pissed and throws Flair to the corner to punch the hell out of him until the ref pulls him off. Orton stalks him and starts laying in more punches to the head and gut. Ric hits some chops and starts fighting out. An eye gouge stops him and and Flair struts, right into another chop for two. Flair eats a clothesline into the Flair Flop. Ric fights back just the same and starts chopping and throwing Orton about. Randy makes a run for it to the floor, but Flair follows by chasing him. Orton U-turns into a clothesline on the outside, crushing Flair into the floor, laying into him before tossing him back into the ring. Ric drags himself up into an RKO and Orton picks up the win.

Winner: Orton

Post match, Orton sets up for the kick to the head finish and the ref gets in his way, telling him to get out. The ref goes back to check on Flair as Orton crawls out slowly.

Random Commercial Thought: The funny thing about The Dead Zone, is that the main character dies at the end of the book.

After the break we come to Carlito who is ready for his GRUELING match with Torrie Wilson. They get in the ring and Carlito says he doesn't want to hurt her so he'll let her walk to a count out with her bad leg. When she turns to leave he waist locks her and puts her in the Apple Jack for the win.

Random Commercial Thought: The most realistic Baseball Sim ever. AKA, the most BORING baseball game ever.

Back to the show where, speaking of boring sports, Wade Boggs is in attendance. The Hardys are out with the power of emo to heal them, but even the bump and grind dance makes Jeff hurt apparently.

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. World Tag Team Champions The Hardys (World Tag Team Title Match)

The match starts off with Murdoch and Matt who gets a hammerlock on and a eats a reverse elbow for his trouble. Matt counters back and manages to tag Jeff in who hit's a corkscrew onto Murdoch for two. Matt tags back in to bring an axe handle from the top rope down on Murdoch's arm. Jeff tags back in and Matt teams up with him to hit Poetry in motion. Jeff follows with the slingshot dropkick to the sternum. Murdoch is pinned for two when Cade breaks it up but Matt slams Cade to send him rolling to the floor. Jeff slingshots over the top rope to hit a flying clothesline on Murdoch. Jeff hobbles back to his corner, crying in pain, saying he hurt his knee as Matt tags back in and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Transformers, so good at disguising, they can disguise their movie as good!

Back to the match where Matt is trying to work Murdoch over with shoulder blocks. Murdoch starts targeting the back and gets a two count before Cade tags in. Cade does much the same and hit's a spine buster for two, rolling Matt up a second time for another two to make sure. Cade has the ref check to see if Matt wants to keep going before Murdoch bitchslaps Matt's back after tagging in. Murdoch gets kicked in the face, but Matt still can't stand. Murdoch decides to try out a bear hug instead. Matt escapes and makes the tag to Jeff who foes into flying clotheslines and shoulder blocks. He hit's the jaw buster on Cade into a low dropkick before going up top. Murdoch knocks him down. Matt sends Murdoch to the floor before Matt hit's the Side effect on Cade. The Swanton bombs and Cade pins, but Jeff's foot is on the rope when the ref counts to the three, not paying attention despite it being RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE.

Winners: Cade & Murdoch

After the match Matt asks Cade if Jeff's foot was on the rope and both say they didn't see. They then club the Hardys with the belts and are done with it as they celebrate. Nothing says no like a boatload of cold in your teeth. Elsewhere in the back, Vince is saying to Coach he has an ominous feeling that is stuck in his throat and the black cloud is rolling in and he doesn't know what it is (It's another Limp Biskit album! Run!). Vince says he'll feel better about the things after the draft before telling coach to tell everyone what will be happening with the draft as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Everybody needs to think outside the box, because this thing is getting crowded!

Back to the show where Coach says in addition to the draft, next week will be Mr. McMahon appreciation night. Wow. I so care. After that amazing announcement, The Great Khali comes to the ring as we go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: Pirates 3 is more like George Lucas wrote it than a Pirate movies (More twists! More twists damn you!)

Back to the show where Khali's entrance is still going on somehow. Umaga is out next followed by Cena.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Umaga vs. The Great Khali (WWE Title Triple Threat Match)

Umaga just leaves to begin the match for some reason and Khali starts crushing Cena with heavy blows in the corner, sending him to the floor with a boot to the face. He follows out and slings Cena into the steps before Umaga comes around to grabs the broken steps and pick them up. Umaga throws the steps at Cena, but Cena ducks and Khali takes the steps to the face, getting crushed. Umaga yells at him while Cena rolls back into the ring and for some reason this is not a DQ. Cena catches Umaga in the corner with a boot to the face and a right shot. While Cena is recovering his fist, Umaga hit's a huge clothesline.

Umaga continues to crush Umaga and when Umaga tries to crush his legs, Cena knees him in the ball. Cena comes off the top with a cross body and Umaga catches him into a spin out sambo slam. At this point, Khali is back in the ring and he and Umaga stare down while Cena rolls to the floor. Hali raises his hands and Umaga spreads his arms out and screams. Khali swings and Umaga swings back. Umaga comes off the ropes and runs right into a swinging kick that clotheslines him. Cena crawls up and hangs Khali up on the top rope, scooping him into an Fu. Khali escapes with an elbow to the face.

Headbutt sends Cena to the corner and then Khali follows with a stomp. Setting Cena up in the center, Khali lands a leg drop and Cena gets a foot on the rope. Khali clubs Umaga right off the apron with a single blow then chops Cena dead when he stumbles up. Umaga attacks when Khali tries to choke slam Cena. Umaga sends Khali into the rope and he gets tied up in them. Umaga goes for the Ass Crash on Cena and misses, bouncing into Khali's Chokeslam. Umaga counters with a Spike that sends Khali reeling. Cena shoulder blocks Umaga to the floor then FUs Khali for the win. Winner: Cena

Cena celebrates on the ramp with a "Champ is Here" as the show goes off the air.