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WWE RAW RANT: (06/04/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the main event so to speak. I suppose you should all know that yours truly may have to be leaving soon thanks to my new job. Depending on how the scheduling works out. It's been great these past couple of years, so we'll see how the next week or so plays out. Until then, let's get on with the show!

Raw 06.04.07

Theme and pyro lead us into John Cena's theme who, surprise surprise, defeated The Great Khali to retain last night. If they show one more picture of this kid who bought the fucking oversized forma Cena knux and is waving them around like an epileptic, I'm going to feed them to him. Cena rambles on for a bit, but actually I was envisioning something much more humorous which I COULD describe here, but it would very well drive your mind to the very brink of insanity.

He goes on to talk about the draft and how if he leaves he'll want to take it all in one more time before he leaves. He goes to say The Champ is Here (where?) before Vince interrupts. He says Cena is here to embarrass and humiliate him by still having his belt and Vince does not. Cena finally says he's convinced Vince is just tired and upset after last night and emotional. Vince just keeps saying his name ("I am Hugo Montoya.you killed my father.prepare to die!") until Cena tells him he is ranting like he lost his damn mind. Vince says he hasn't lost anything, not his dignity, empire or anything else, just his belt. he says that's what is going to happen to Cena tonight and starts ranting crazily and demands Cena defend the title tonight in a Triple Threat match against Umaga and Khali. Wow, it's like a triple Threat match.but in slow motion. The crowd seems unenthusiastic but for a female Cena chant before the grinning Vince scoots out of the ring to an awkward silence. Apparently the old Vince-meister has a few screw loose.

Random Commercial Thought: ROFLMAO Raw Attitude Energy Drink: Socko Your Face? HAHAHAHA!

Back to the show. Replay of mud fight from last night. Cryme Tyme is out with a new member for tonight. Ghetto Candice. After some severe badonkadonk in the corner, their opponents come down for the match.

Cryme Tyme & Candice Michelle vs. Kenny Dykstra, Johnny Nitro & Women's Champion Melina

JTG starts us off with Kenny after the girls are pulled apart from a cat fight. Kenny baseball slides to avoid JTG and Johnny tags in to take him down. Jonny hit's a hand stand kick to the face before tagging Kenny in who hit's a hand straight arm uppercut for two. Kenny stomps on JTG before monkey flipping him into the forearm by Nitro into the flying elbow with him draped over the knees. I suppose we should name this, but I mean.its Nitro and Kenny, does it matter? Shad tag in after JTG dodges a clothesline to make it. Shade hits an enormous back body drop on Kenny and crushes Nitro. Melina gets hit with a clothesline form Candice before Shad bench presses her into a cross body as well. JTG and Shad roll a join on Nitro for the win.

Winners: Cryme Tyme & Candice

After the match we see Maria talking to Morella in the back about how shiny his belt and her dress are (My eeeeeeeyyeees!) before Vince comes up in his Renfield voice to tell him to go defend it right now. He keeps repeating "Get" to them as they walk away, before hopping into an airplane with his dog to catch a pigeon. (no one will get that joke).

Random Commercial Thought: We have cars! Cars that have been in a fucking HURRICANE! By them now!

Back to the show where Morella has to wrestle his perpetual opponent, Chris Masters.

Chris Masters vs. Intercontinental Champion Santino Morella (Intercontinental Title Match)

Santino hit's a kick to the back of the knee, but Masters over powers and slams him down, choking him out on the rope. Santino escapes and hits hard knees and elbows to Chris before a gouge to the eyes allows Masters to slam him to the turnbuckle and hit an elbow for two. Masters keeps the pressure on to get another two count, but Morella starts to rally back with elbows and leg strikes, sending Masters against the ropes. He bounces back into an STO and Morella picks up two. Frustrated, Santino attacks, but Masters slams him down and goes for the MASTERfull Nelson. Morella slips down out of it to kick Masters in the face before hitting an Oklahoma Roll for the win.

Winner: Morella

Random Commercial Thought: Twix. The only candy that can stop time itself.

In the back, the Hardys run into Cade and Murdoch who say they want a title shot, but after they have healed up from the ladder match they had last night. Vince wanders up and orders the match to happen tonight anyway as vengeance toward the champions before he walks around to find Flair and Torrie. He says Flair is a degenerate for hanging (Haha..hang..) with a woman half his age. She reminds him they were caught with his pants around his ankles by Linda once. Flair laughs and says he saw that so vince makes a match for Torrie with Carlito. Flair and Vince argue and Vince says all he hears is "Whoo" everywhere he goes whether Flair is there or not. He says that make shim a legend so Randy Orton will kill him tonight. ((In the parlor.with the pipe))

Random Commercial Thought: All resumes should have a section for if you can kill a man in five seconds with your thumbs.

Back to the show where Randy Orton is on his way after they replay what he did to Rob Van (I'm sooo quitting) Dam. Ric is on his way next in his frilly blue robe. And I gotta wonder how many Mexican woman died on the assembly line to make those things for him.

Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair

Orton slaps him and Flair retaliates with harsh chops, sending Orton rolling around on the mat and to the corner. Ric smacks him on the ground before dragging him up for more chops and a boot to the face when he falls to the ground. Randy makes the mistake of standing again for more chops. Snapmare follows into more stomps to the head. Ric struts like a duck (quack quack Mr. Ducksworth). Orton catches Flair with a power slam before going to his RKO set up and the show just randomly fades out to commercial...oookay?

Random Commercial Thought: I never want to see Norbit. I don't even like to see the BOX for Norbit.

Back to the match. During the break, flair counters the RKO by shoving Orton off into a chop. The Nature Boy now has Orton in the Figure Four. Randy eventually escapes and hit's the inverted backbreaker. Orton starts to do his stomps and picks up a two count off the knee drop, holding his own injured leg before making the cover. Randy goes to the headlock punches (take a shot) followed by yet another headlock (take yet another shot). Orton hit's the Dropkick that as Joe put it, is apparently fucking Pearl Harbor for two.

Flair goes up top and talks to Torrie for some dumb reason, eating a toss off the top. Flair goes for the figure four on Orton, but he counters into a roll up for one. Orton gets pissed and throws Flair to the corner to punch the hell out of him until the ref pulls him off. Orton stalks him and starts laying in more punches to the head and gut. Ric hits some chops and starts fighting out. An eye gouge stops him and and Flair struts, right into another chop for two. Flair eats a clothesline into the Flair Flop. Ric fights back just the same and starts chopping and throwing Orton about. Randy makes a run for it to the floor, but Flair follows by chasing him. Orton U-turns into a clothesline on the outside, crushing Flair into the floor, laying into him before tossing him back into the ring. Ric drags himself up into an RKO and Orton picks up the win.

Winner: Orton

Post match, Orton sets up for the kick to the head finish and the ref gets in his way, telling him to get out. The ref goes back to check on Flair as Orton crawls out slowly.

Random Commercial Thought: The funny thing about The Dead Zone, is that the main character dies at the end of the book.

After the break we come to Carlito who is ready for his GRUELING match with Torrie Wilson. They get in the ring and Carlito says he doesn't want to hurt her so he'll let her walk to a count out with her bad leg. When she turns to leave he waist locks her and puts her in the Apple Jack for the win.

Random Commercial Thought: The most realistic Baseball Sim ever. AKA, the most BORING baseball game ever.

Back to the show where, speaking of boring sports, Wade Boggs is in attendance. The Hardys are out with the power of emo to heal them, but even the bump and grind dance makes Jeff hurt apparently.

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. World Tag Team Champions The Hardys (World Tag Team Title Match)

The match starts off with Murdoch and Matt who gets a hammerlock on and a eats a reverse elbow for his trouble. Matt counters back and manages to tag Jeff in who hit's a corkscrew onto Murdoch for two. Matt tags back in to bring an axe handle from the top rope down on Murdoch's arm. Jeff tags back in and Matt teams up with him to hit Poetry in motion. Jeff follows with the slingshot dropkick to the sternum. Murdoch is pinned for two when Cade breaks it up but Matt slams Cade to send him rolling to the floor. Jeff slingshots over the top rope to hit a flying clothesline on Murdoch. Jeff hobbles back to his corner, crying in pain, saying he hurt his knee as Matt tags back in and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Transformers, so good at disguising, they can disguise their movie as good!

Back to the match where Matt is trying to work Murdoch over with shoulder blocks. Murdoch starts targeting the back and gets a two count before Cade tags in. Cade does much the same and hit's a spine buster for two, rolling Matt up a second time for another two to make sure. Cade has the ref check to see if Matt wants to keep going before Murdoch bitchslaps Matt's back after tagging in. Murdoch gets kicked in the face, but Matt still can't stand. Murdoch decides to try out a bear hug instead. Matt escapes and makes the tag to Jeff who foes into flying clotheslines and shoulder blocks. He hit's the jaw buster on Cade into a low dropkick before going up top. Murdoch knocks him down. Matt sends Murdoch to the floor before Matt hit's the Side effect on Cade. The Swanton bombs and Cade pins, but Jeff's foot is on the rope when the ref counts to the three, not paying attention despite it being RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE.

Winners: Cade & Murdoch

After the match Matt asks Cade if Jeff's foot was on the rope and both say they didn't see. They then club the Hardys with the belts and are done with it as they celebrate. Nothing says no like a boatload of cold in your teeth. Elsewhere in the back, Vince is saying to Coach he has an ominous feeling that is stuck in his throat and the black cloud is rolling in and he doesn't know what it is (It's another Limp Biskit album! Run!). Vince says he'll feel better about the things after the draft before telling coach to tell everyone what will be happening with the draft as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Everybody needs to think outside the box, because this thing is getting crowded!

Back to the show where Coach says in addition to the draft, next week will be Mr. McMahon appreciation night. Wow. I so care. After that amazing announcement, The Great Khali comes to the ring as we go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: Pirates 3 is more like George Lucas wrote it than a Pirate movies (More twists! More twists damn you!)

Back to the show where Khali's entrance is still going on somehow. Umaga is out next followed by Cena.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Umaga vs. The Great Khali (WWE Title Triple Threat Match)

Umaga just leaves to begin the match for some reason and Khali starts crushing Cena with heavy blows in the corner, sending him to the floor with a boot to the face. He follows out and slings Cena into the steps before Umaga comes around to grabs the broken steps and pick them up. Umaga throws the steps at Cena, but Cena ducks and Khali takes the steps to the face, getting crushed. Umaga yells at him while Cena rolls back into the ring and for some reason this is not a DQ. Cena catches Umaga in the corner with a boot to the face and a right shot. While Cena is recovering his fist, Umaga hit's a huge clothesline.

Umaga continues to crush Umaga and when Umaga tries to crush his legs, Cena knees him in the ball. Cena comes off the top with a cross body and Umaga catches him into a spin out sambo slam. At this point, Khali is back in the ring and he and Umaga stare down while Cena rolls to the floor. Hali raises his hands and Umaga spreads his arms out and screams. Khali swings and Umaga swings back. Umaga comes off the ropes and runs right into a swinging kick that clotheslines him. Cena crawls up and hangs Khali up on the top rope, scooping him into an Fu. Khali escapes with an elbow to the face.

Headbutt sends Cena to the corner and then Khali follows with a stomp. Setting Cena up in the center, Khali lands a leg drop and Cena gets a foot on the rope. Khali clubs Umaga right off the apron with a single blow then chops Cena dead when he stumbles up. Umaga attacks when Khali tries to choke slam Cena. Umaga sends Khali into the rope and he gets tied up in them. Umaga goes for the Ass Crash on Cena and misses, bouncing into Khali's Chokeslam. Umaga counters with a Spike that sends Khali reeling. Cena shoulder blocks Umaga to the floor then FUs Khali for the win. Winner: Cena

Cena celebrates on the ramp with a "Champ is Here" as the show goes off the air.

That's the show folks, I hope you all had fun, we may or may not be seeing me here next week in which case it's been great.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (06/11/07) By Cameron Burge

Hey welcome to a three hour edition of Raw. Now you might all be unfortunate to hear that for me, I completely forgot I was going to need to be ready an hour earlier this week. For that, I missed a good 40 minutes of programming. Don’t fear though, I still have the draft picks all spelled out for you so let’s hurry back into this to catch up!

Raw 06.11.07

The show opens with a Statement by Vince, read off of a piece of paper as he tries to piece together his sanity with crazy glue apparently. We also have the announcement that there is an open challenge for people to throw their hats into a Title match with John Cena at Vengeance.

The rules tonight? People face off against one another from various brands to earn picks for their brand.  First off, we say Edge pick up a win for Smackdown in a decent showing where the random draft generator sent the Great Khali back where he belongs, OFF MY DAMN SHOW.

Second, CM Punk won against Carlito to send The Boogeyman to ECW. Leaving our announcers bitching that Raw has yet to pick up its own draft pick. And now that we are all caught up…..here we go!

We get a recap of crazy things Vince McMahon has done before we come to Mick Foley coming out to tell us he’s a three time WWE Champion. He goes on to say he will be a part of the open WWE Championship Match in two weeks at Vengeance. He says he’d like to talk about Vince McMahon and the truth is that he thrives on everyone here and in the back. He then asks if he has used his power to do good and the answer is…..somewhat? Mick goes on to ramble for a while, asking if Vince has any real friends. Well there is one way we could find that out. Let’s kill him and see who comes to his funeral. Mick lists Hulk Hogan, Triple H, Eric Bischoff and The Rock. Dick Ever shall (who?) And HBK. He says Trish Stratus and Ted turner (Heh heh like  a bisexual) saying that they all felt Vince isn’t worth their time. Mick says they didn’t appreciate Vince McMahon and the question is, should any of us? Mick tells Vince to have a nice day. Commercials ahoy.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish I was born without Taste Buds. I’d eat disgusting things just to pick people off.

We come back to Umaga vs. Balls Mahoney. Taz is worried they won’t be able to win and….they are right. A kick and Umaga spikes Balls for a Raw draft pick….King BookAH. That was fast….commercials again.

Random commercial Thought: Playdough and Video Games don’t mix.

Back to the show where Steve-O talks about how much he like Vince. Oh GOD get him off my television NOW.

Bobby Lashley is set to take on Chris Benoit in one on one competition for the next draft pick. JBL joins the ECW announcers in calling this match which is a breath of fresh air for me already. The two face off before we get things underway.

ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Chris Benoit

Bobby leg picks Benoit, but Benoit goes to a facelock. Benoit wrestles out and Lashley counters into a spine buster so Benoit goes to an arm bar. Lashley powers out and goes to a waist lock but Benoit gets the ropes. The mat wrestling continues until both men return to vertical base. Lashley lifts Benoit and slams him down for a one count before Benoit returns to attempting the arm wrench. Bobby gets boos when he forces Chris to the corner with kicks, slamming him back down for another one count.

Bobby goes to a face lock. JBL says Lashley may be the greatest amateur wrestling champ to come to wrestling, but in my opinion he’s not even THE BLACKEST (That would be Shelton). Benoit snaps Lashley to the ground but only gets two before Lashley powers back and goes to a torture Rack. Benoit counters to a crossface, but Bobby blocks and lifts him back into the Torture Rack. Benoit goes down for two. Lashley hit’s a hard corner charge to the midsection before going for a suplex, but Benoit counters to the crossface. Lashley makes the ropes and lifts Benoit to a suplex, but Benoit counters to a sharpshooter. Lashley sort of botches the counter and goes for a Pearl harbor, only to be countered to the Triple Germans.

Lashley pops right back up so Benoit goes for more only to be backed into the corner. Lashley charges in and takes a boot to the face. Benoit trip him up and goes for the Sharpshooter. Lashley powers his legs to throw Benoit right off. Chops follow and Benoit comes off the ropes right into a Dominator by Lashley for three.
Winner: Bobby Lashley

The random picker stops on Chris Benoit. JBL is bitching now that all the draft picks but for Smackdown’s have been from Smackdown to other shows, being two hall of fame wrestlers and their freak. Taz and Joey talk about how Chris is an ECW Original. Michael Cole and JBL talk about Khali being the biggest pick in a literal sense though before we get Donald Trump telling Vince to go suck himself. Well okay, he might have mentioned something about hair, but I liked that one better.

Random commercial Thought: I’d like to roll around in the dirt right now.

Back to the show for a replay of Ashley getting suspended from the show and slapped around like the bitch hoe she is. She is our next interview thanking him for the Diva Search. Ashley replays Trish in 2001 being forced to bark like a dog in her underwear. Ashley then calls out two divas of her own to do the same for him….Mollah and Mae Young. MY BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIN.

Random Commercial Thought 1408 adds up to 13 if you pay attention.

Back to show where they say up next is Jimmy Snuka and Iron Shiek. They make fun of McMahon to a degree….or at least I think they did since I have no idea what the fuck they said. JR thanks the closed cautioners for their work and we go to MVP with his blow up entrance ramp. He’s taking on IC Champ Santino Morella.

Intercontinental Champion Santino Morella vs. US Champion MVP

Morella attacks early and MVP just tosses him off. Morella goes for a monkey flip out of the corner only to be chucked to the floor. MVP gets a two count and goes to a headlock (take a shot). Santino goes to strong kicks to the legs and midsection, but MVP grabs him by the head with knees to the face.  A sharp strike to the head, sends Morella completely down into a headlock again. Santino slings MVP off after fighting to his feet and comes off the ropes with a shoulder block. MVP goes down for two. Santino is scooped up onto the shoulders and then just dropped on his face, but he seems to fight back well enough. MVP reverses an Irish whip and comes running in with a kick to the face to crush Santino. Santino takes the modified Fameasser for the loss.
Winner: MVP

The random picker draws up…..Torrie Wilson. Oh damn….I’m missing that…oh wait. No I’m not.

Random Commercial Thought: Pirates of the Caribbean - We can’t even say Caribbean right. See our movie!

Back to the show where Bret Hart talks about Vince McMahon and is it just me or did he just age like the fucking Mummy? Bret says the best that could happen to Vince is a fist in the face and that’s all he has to say about that shit. Next up? The Miz! Apparently Triple H didn’t get the chance to put a grenade on Miz. Snitsky is his opponent. What is that? The Blob? Maybe he went Super Saiyan 3 since he has no eyebrows.

The Miz vs. Gene Snitsky

Miz dodges a clothesline and goes in with kick rights and strikes. Miz gets tossed into the corner but hit’s a boot to the face only to leap off into a cross body and get caught. Snitsky rams him into the turnbuckle and sets up a tree of woe, kicking Miz in the gut. Miz gets slammed down and takes heavy rights to the head and a clothesline. Miz stumbles up and eats a running kick for three.
Winner: Snitsky

Miz crawls up after the bell so Gene kicks him some more. Miz crawls up in the corner and gets crushed with a clothesline. The ref gets pissed and so he reverses his decision, raising the Miz’ hand. HAHAHA! Smackdown gets Chris Masters. Masters, who decided not to shave today, comes out and shows off for a little bit. JBL seems happy with this pick. JBL says he has a nickel brain but a million dollar body. Gaaaaay. Our next talker is Heenan. Bobby says you have to appreciate that Vince has put more people in work and more out of work than anyone in history. He says no one can do the walk he does like Vince does and you have to have confidence to do that. He says it’s either that or he has the biggest balls going. In the back, we see the man who ate Rowdy Roddy Piper on his way to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Since they keep dying off shouldn’t the 4400 be changed to another number?

Back to the show where Piper is out. He asks who better (than Kanyon?) to appreciate Vince than himself. He then reruns some of Vince McMahon’s proudest moments. It’s a montage of Vince and Shane being humiliated by DX and Stone Cold followed by Shane surprising him by buying WCW then being shaved bald by Trump with a Wah Wah Waaaah at the end for good measure. Roddy says we appreciate Vince for what he really is. Special. They pimp out Candice and Krystal as we go to commercial (HAHA….pimp….)

Random Commercial Thought: Holy shit, a NEW Bowflex commercial, Hell hath frozen over.

Back to the show. I don’t even know who the guy is they have talking about Vince now. So I’ll just ignore his existence. Next up, Candice Michelle. Krystal follows, hey, chocolate!

Candice Michelle vs. Krystal

Krystal trips Candice up and starts kicking at her knee, but Candice kicks her in the face hitting clotheslines and a knee to the gut before landing a backbreaker using the hair. Candice does a Go Daddy dance into an elbow drop for two. Krystal manages to end any offense by running directly into a dropkick for three.
Winner: Candice

Raw’s pick? ……WTF? Bobby Lashley. I’m just going to take a nap now I guess. Lashley comes out to dance around when Coach comes out. He congratulates Lashley on being drafted and says he needs him for a minute. Vince ordered that since Lashley is a part of Raw and not ECW he can no longer be the ECW World Champion. Coach asks for the belt and Lashley just glares at him for a while before giving it over. He then nabs the microphone and says he’s still a champion and we’ll see cause on Raw he’s going to prove it. Bob Costas is next up and he talks about how he wished to have Gene Okerland’s position on the microphone but thanks Vince for being a hot head on HBO as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: In heaven there is no beer. That’s why we drink it here. And when we’re gone from here, our friends will be drinking all the beer.

Back to the show where a triple threat match is next with Jeff Hardy out first. Elijah Burke is out next. Lamest Crowd Sign: Don’t Read My Sign. The third man? Batista. Wait….how the hell do these three go together? I guess Burke and Hardy can hope his Roid Rage will get him DQed.

Jeff Hardy vs. Elijah Burke vs. Batista

Hardy and Burke run from the ring and attack each other with burke diving back in to a slam from Batista. Hardy attacks from behind and gets tossed to the corner for rams to the midsection. Batista sets Hardy up for a Batista Bomb, but he counter the same he did Undertaker with a hurricanrana.  Hardy tries to leap over in the corner, but Batista catches him. Hardy escapes and kicks him in the knee hitting the Whispers in the Wind. Hardy goes up top and hit’s the Swanton for two when Burke break the count. Burke sends Hardy into the ring post and goes for the cover only getting two. Burke sends Batista to the floor and fights Hardy but Jeff rallies. Jeff  flies off the ropes at Batista on the floor and hit’s the swinging dropkick to the gut on Burke. He misses the Swanton and eats a spine buster from Batista. Batista plants Burke as well then Batista bombs for the win.
Winner: Batista

Smackdown Pick: Jell-o! Oh wait, That’s Ric Flair. Next we have Captain Lou Albano talking about Vince being a punk kid and then he talks about himself but nobody mentions his short term as Mario.

Random Commercial Thought: The mob is very interested in baseball.

Back to the show where they show Summerslam will be mixed with….Jackass…..kill me. We come back to the announcers who each count down their draft picks so far. On Wednesday there will be a supplemental draft on WWE.com. Dusty Rhodes is out next, defying physics by still walking instead of dying in a gutter somewhere. Dusty rambles on for a while about Vince’s legacy before we go to commercial after being told of the 15 man Battle Royal for the final two picks.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t want a Raw Energy drink. It might make me wrestle like Masters.

Gene Okerlund shows up to talk about how Vince is cool in giving him chances then it’s off to the Battle Royal. We start off with Smackdown followed by ECW. Thorn was too good to wear an ECW shirt. Apparently the Originals and New Breed don’t mind teaming up. Raw Team looks like the fucking B-string for the Kansas City Royals….

15 Man Battle Royal

The Match starts and everyone starts slinging punches. Viscera tries to toss thorn to no avail and Striker focuses on an injured Matt Hardy who has his abs taped. Matt back body drops Striker to the floor. Sandman and Marcus try to drop Henry and for some dumb reason the Smackdown team is HELPING. Henry chucks Sandman easily before moving onto another ECW. Viscera chucks out Regal and Henry bench presses his own teammate, Chavo to the floor. The FUCK?! Tommy Dreamer meets the floor next..

Henry drags thorn from the corner and knocks him off the apron to eliminate. Henrry focuses next on Randy Orton and head butts him. Viscera crushes Marcus and the two bigmen belly ram one another. Henry and Viscera try it again and start a slug fest.  Henry crushes Viscera with rights and starts forcing him over, but Viscera stops it with a head butts, trying to do the same to Henry. Henry fights out and clotheslines Viscera down. Viscera then manages to throw Viscera to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: King’s know how to hoedown.

Back to the match. Orton is trying to chuck out Marcus to eliminate ECW. During the break both Eugene and Kenny were eliminated by their own teammates. Hardy and Henry are squared off together until Henry leaves to get Orton off of another Smackdown star. The crowd rallies for Hardy and he eliminates Marcus entirely. Nitro eats floor and the Smackdown guys team up on him. Masters, wrestling for Smackdown* Gets eliminated by a Twist of Fate from Hardy on the apron. Hardy eats a shot from Henry.

Henry tries to chuck Hardy and they fight on the apron. Matt starts dragging Henry over the top ropes. Orton assist and Matt rolls in to a stalking Orton. Orton measures up for the RKO but Hardy counters with a Side Effect. Orton hits an inverted back breaker then measures Hardy again, dragging him up and tossing him over, but Matt escapes. Orton hit’s a reverse elbow and knocks him back down. Hardy catches Orton with an elbow in the corner and a boot to the jaw before leaping up into the double axe handle to the back of the hand. Hardy measure for the Twist of Fat, but Orton lifts him up over the ropes and eliminates him with an uppercut.
Winner: Orton

Raw picks Snitsky first who decides to stalk around the apron and eat a baby. Only one fo the previous actually happened. You decide. The final pick is……KEN KENNEDY. I could hug Vince right now and not even feel gay.

Next to interview is Stone cold. We go to the back and see Vince getting ready to approach the ring, stalking his office first as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I can’t find my soda. I’m sad now.

Back to show where Stone Cold thanks Vince for letting him soak him in beer and fill his convertible with cement. He also thanks him for letting him beat him up in the hospital. He then says he doesn’t thank him for a damn thing, getting bleeped constantly. He says that in his eyes, he’s a lying sack of shit. They finally announce who will be in the WWE title Challenge: Booker T, Bobby Lashley, Mick Foley, Randy Orton and John Cena. Nice. And here is Vinnie.

Vince just stands around in the ring oddly while the You suck chants echo. He has to be offered a microphone by the ring announcer. Vince’s hand is shaking like a star bucks addict on a three day bender. He then just sort of drops the microphone and stares around more like he’s Benny Hill before leaving the ring. I wish we’d kill the Owen Hart voices now though. The crowd only cheers when he finally leaves. Elsewhere in the back, we see Vince walking along when he is approached by several superstars from all three brands lining the halls silently. Even Farooq is there. Coach runs up to tell him the limo  is the other way. This looked like one of those Klingnon manhood ceremonies gone wrong. We eventually come to Vince outside the arena who takes a deep breath and keeps looking back at two stage hands. Eventually he decides to go get in his limo and I feel like I’m recapping a documentary right now….He gets in the car…and it explodes. No. I didn’t make that up. It explodes.

Fonzie just paused in the middle of jumping the shark to say: "WTF?"


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

We are back with the first Raw in 14 years without Vince McMahon, but if that were true I wouldn’t have to be hearing his name ever fucking four seconds. The first half of tonight’s show is brought to you by the POWER of VHS. Fuck you Digital Video!

Raw 06.18.07

The Show opens with a replay of the FBI press conference and Vince exploding like he’s Nitro. (I don’t think it will start a Civil War though) Foley is in the ring and he apologizes for what he said last week, saying that if he knew Vince would spontaneously combust he would have handled things differently. Foley decides to take this opportunity to apologize to the McMahon family and gets booed for it. When he’s about to say something on behalf of the locker room, Randy Orton interrupts.

Randy says it is pretty incredibly that Mick thinks he can just walk to the ring and issue an insincere apology that it will make things better. Randy says he would be on the top of the list for people who might have blown Vince right the hell off the face of the planet. King Booker’s music hits (does that count as music?) as JR and King finally thank us for watching this. Booker says that most everyone will be looking in Foley’s direction and he has first hand knowledge that there is a FBI agent here and he was speaking for an hour with Bobby Lashley. If we “ax” him his opinion that is a good start. He then makes a point of pointing out all the reasons it would be him including that he’s a former Army Ranger with experience in Explosives. He breaks down into street speak and asks the other two how well we know Lashley and that people tell him in Atlanta….but Bobby interrupts. Lashley chases him from the ring and Orton takes a dive as well before Cena pops out like some kind of demented daisy out of the snow.

Cena points out that from what we’ve seen someone forgot to switch from Law and Order to Raw. Cena says they want to make it into an old fashioned Who Dunnit. He says there is more to it than that. He says Vince was their boss, but they only saw him once or twice a week before asking them that over the course of his life, how many enemies Vince has made.. He does a little Dr. Sues Rhyming Rap about it. It even includes everyone who was remotely involved in the XFL. Coach finally comes out to say that Lashley and Cena will be taking on Orton and Booker. Coach goes on to say that Vince hated Foley’s book so in honor of that it will be Umaga vs. Foley.

Random Commercial Thought: Harry Potter…..NEXT.

Back to the show. Supplemental draft picks, London and Kendrick are here. Meh. Decent picks I guess. They are set to take on the World’s Greatest Tag Team. What the FUCK is up with that gay workout suit Benjamin has on?

The World’s Greatest Tag Team vs. Brian Kendrick & Paul London

Haas and London start off and Haas finds himself in a rollup. Haas gets a good waist lock on and drags him to the corner, but London fights out with rights and kicks. Shelton finally puts a stop to it with a huge kick to the face. Haas tags out to Shelton who hit’s a double team knee to the back. Shelton picks up a two count and King points out that at the end of Raw last week, Paul London was the only person smiling when Vince left. Shelton is kicking his ass currently and London dodges a corner charge. Shelton throws London away from his corner and he tries to dive between Benjamin’s legs. London has to kick Shelton off and Kendrick tags in.

Kendrick hits clotheslines, kicks and dropkicks, picking up a two count on Haas. Shelton comes in and tries to power bomb London, but he gets pulled over the top ropes. Kendrick dodges a clothesline from Haas and the Sliced Bread 2 gets him the three.
Winners: London & Kendrick

Back in the back, coach is interviewed by Beck as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If you haven’t yet looked at the Draft you should find the Supplemental Draft pretty funny as the picks are ridiculously funny and bad. (The MIZ? Who would pick the fucking MIZ?!)

Back To the show where Carlito is here. Carlito comes out to say Vince was the coolest and is about to go off on the crowd when the Sandman arrives through the crowd. Carlito introduces him for us and makes a commentary on his entrance, saying he can’t interrupt Carlito because this isn’t Happy Hour. Carlito challenges him and then runs from the Shinai to keep from getting his hair broken. Sandman points the Shinai from the ring, having busted himself open with his beer can.

Random Commercial Thought: Ladies and Gentle, the theme for Wrestlemania….is also the theme for bike tricks. Wow.

Back to the show. Replay of the Hardys losing their tag team titles. In the back Cryme Tyme is there as they list off things Vince was, hero, entrepreneur and more before saying above all else he was a Capitalist. Then we go tot eh Cryme Tyme shopping network. Deals Galore! They say what he left behind is now on deal. Half empty/full cup of coffee and you can win his last supper. He didn’t finish it, but you can! You can win the garbage can they stole it all out of (borrowed it all out of). After their spiel, Beck shows up to interview them. At ringside Cade and Murdoch are at ringside watching while Daivari enters the ring. He and Jeff Hardy are set to throw down. Holy shit, Jeff bought a jacket. They announce Jeff and Matt will team up for a rematch at Vengeance.

Jeff Hardy vs. Daivari

Cheers for Jeff as we get started, but Daivari’s pants are blinding me. They must have blinded Jeff too as Daivari gets the early advantage. Jeff tries a leap over in the corner, but Daivari catches him so Jeff switches it up into a head scissors. He sends Daivari down and goes up top, but Daivari shoves him off. Daivari tries out a chin lock (take a shot). Jeff tries to break loose and gets slammed right back down for his trouble. Daivari works the neck and arm more before switching up to a headlock (take a shot). Jeff hits some clotheslines after breaking free and a forward tossing suplex for two. The Whisper in the Wind gets another two. Mule kick follows and sends Daivari into the position for the slingshot dropkick to the chest for two.

Jeff suplexes for another two. Daiavari gets a cheap shot in and scoops slams Jeff into a sliding leg drop for two. Jeff breaks out of nowhere with a Twist of Fate then climbs up top for a Swanton Bomb and the win.
Winner: Jeff Hardy

After the match Cade gets on the microphone to say two weeks ago they showed them some of the most unsportsman like conduct they had ever seen even after each and every night they played by the rules. They said the Hardys went too far and they had to respond for all their fans too. Jeff just leaps over the ropes and takes them down. The announcers say we’ll have an interview with the driver of Vince’s limo as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: So Bush was here over the weekend and I SO wanted to dress in all black in a trench coat with my hand in the pocket, making sudden movements all day.

Back to the show. Coach is on the phone whining about how he is trying to fill in for what Vince was responsible. He says he has one more thing to do, meat with the representatives of Sheik Production whoever that is. It turns out to be the Iron Sheik. He says he deserves to have his own show on Raw, a talk show. Coach says it is an interesting concept and he’ll think about it.

Okay so we did the first half of this show from tape, but the second half….well I came in to the Iron Sheik ranting incoherently and Farooq saying “DAMN!” what a greeting. Elsewhere in the back, Maria is talking to William Regal who has been drafted (THANK YOU GOD) to Raw and hitting on Maria. Santino shows up to cock block and introduce himself. Regal gets disgusted by his uh…Italian-ness? Maria has him say something in Italian and he says “What do you want me to say in Italian?”…in Italian. And still elsewhere, it’s the limo driver for Vince McDead who apparently was TRAMAUTIZED to the point of becoming a HORRIBLE actor.

We see Mick on his way to the ring for his match with Umaga as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: 1408 bitches! I’m gonna be there.

Back to the show. Where we interview the eyewitnesses to the attack. How brutal! I’m horrified! I’m….oh look a butterfly. They pimp out Bobby Lashley and Cena’s tag team match before going to Mick Foley.

Umaga comes down and Foley takes a cheep shot attack to send him to the floor. Umaga rakes the eyes back and sends Mick into the ring. Mick starts beating the shit out of Umaga in the corner and the ref has to pull him off as he does a bang bang. Umaga clotheslines him from the back and Umaga sends him to the floor, leaping off into a shot to the gut. Mick introduces Umaga to the table and then the ring apron before retrieving a chair. Umaga eats some chair, but Umaga only reels and then slams it back into Foley’s face. Umaga does the ash Crash to Foley into the steps but OBVIOUSLY misses entirely. For yet another time tonight we have Owen voices. The crowd boos are pretty right. The match never even got started officially. How sucktacular is that?

Daniel Beck is talking to WWE Superstars, right now John Cena when we see a limo arrive in the parking lot much like Vince’s. It sits around ominously for a while as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I still like pie.

Back to the show where Beck (not the folk singer) wants to interview Foley but the doctor won’t let him. We then go to ringside for…..KENNEDY! Boo ya. I’m loving the roster after the draft it makes me happy inside. Kennedy says he’s almost too sick to come out here one because Vince died and two because he was just drafted to Raw. He says from his perspective, he didn’t get along with the Smackdown audience. He says he really (REALLY) doesn’t like us at all. He gets some You Suck chants by saying Vince was a genius without respect. He doesn’t like to toot his own horn (That’s not what the lotion company says!) He says he doesn’t get any respect either and when they start a what chant tells them not to start that crap. (AWESOME) He then finishes the spiel with “Vincent KENNEDY McMahon….McMahon.” Before we see the white limo of doom again as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: *still drooling for 1408*

Back to the show where Melina is out followed by Jillian. She tries to sing Amazing Grace for Vince but Mickie interrupts to save us all. What is with Jillian and shitty gimmicks? Candice is out next in an outfit that seems to only be half there.

Jillian Hall & Women’s Champion Melina vs. Mickie James & Candice Michelle

Jillian starts off with Candice who uses a hammerlock to go into an Oklahoma roll for two. Candice slingshot dropkicks Melina on the apron and gets a cheap shot from Jillian. Hillian hit’s a handspring elbow in the corner for two then tags in Melina. King actually had to ask if Oklahoma Roll is the official name of that rollup. Heh. Melina is able to get two of her own on Candice before slamming her to the turnbuckle and trading back out. Jillian goes for a Camel(toe) Clutch using the hair before Melina tags back in. Double team in the corner crumples Candice. Candice takes the weakest ass slapjack I have EVER seen for two and finally counters with a slam using the hair. Melina drags her from Mickie by the foot, but Candice kicks her off and makes it to the corner only to be tackles from behind. Candice throws her off and makes the tag. Mickie takes them both down two and hit’s a Fisherman suplex for two.

Mickie fights off Jillian and hit’s the Mickiecanrana in the corner. Melina catches Mickie off guard only to miss a clothesline into a double held neck breaker for two when Jillian breaks it up. Jillian holds Mickie for a combination Facebuster and bulldog. Candice leaps and takes down Jillian while Mickie gets a rollup, but the ref is distracted and it only gets two. Melina hit’s a neck breaker into a leg drop that ends with her in the splits to pick up the ring.
Winners: Jillian & Melina


Random Commercial Thought: What the hell is with Fergy? Why does anyone even like her? She’s not even fucking hot.

Back to the show where JR talks about Vince as if he never had to kiss his flabby ass on public TV. I swear it doesn’t matter who the fuck you are, but at your funeral you will be a saint. They then replay the final moments of Vincent K(KK) McMahon. After the Fonz gets done jumping over his shark infested limo, Vince climbs in and explodes. They cut away from the burned limo the parking garage where a driver is standing next to the passenger door. Elsewhere, Randy Orton is out followed by King Booker. They talk about his seemingly infinite title reigns before Lashley arrives.

King Booker & Randy Orton vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Bobby Lashley

Booker and Lashley have a stare down and Booker shoves him, getting shoved down himself in return. They ties up and Lashley forces Booker to the corner. The King breaks out with a rake to the eyes, only getting the hell beat out of him. Lashley nails a hard suplex for two. Booker tries a thumb to the eye and comes off the ropes into an elbow then a power slam for two. Cena tags in and Booker runs scared to Randy Orton. They stare down and Randy gets the hell beaten out of him, eating the Fisherman’s suplex. Bobby tags back in and the double team sends him to the floor. Booker run in to an elbow from Cena and a clothesline sends him to the floor as well as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Burn Notice might be a good new show, but we’ll see how it rate sup against Psych and Monk.

Back to the show where Cena isn’t doing so hot. Randy hits some crushing clotheslines and shots in the corner. Cena tries to rally but Cena is stopped by Orton when he grabs his foot to prevent the tag. Booker tags in and the double team ensues. Cena makes an unseen tag so the ref doesn’t allow it. Booker goes to a headlock (take a shot) and Orton sues for gimmick infringement. Cena tries to rally but falls down and Orton tags in. Orton goes straight to a headlock (take a shot) but Cena starts lifting him trying to tag. Orton works him back down and Cena turns, breaking out. Double Clothesline drops them both.

Lashley and Booker get the tags and Booker gets crushed with clothesline and shoulder blocks to the gut. Lashley walks into a boot to the face, but follows with a T-bone on the King. Lashley lifts Booker into the Dominator, but Orton breaks it up. Cena takes Orton down and argues with the ref but Booker super kicks him to the floor. Lashley hit’s a spine buster on Booker but  Randy tagged in blindly so he hit’s the RKO for the win.
Winners: Booker and Lashley.

We still got time in the show let’s find out who is in the limo. Maybe it’s The HULK! (HULK Smash!….BRUTHAH!). But alas, it’s just Stephanie.

Random Commercial Thought: Man 1408 sure bought a hell of a lot of commercial time.

Back to the show where we get a Snitsky preview of him crushing people (mostly Balls…heh, Balls.) Back to the show proper where Coach and Steph are talking. Coach says he’s happy to do something, and offers to escort her to the ring. She says she has to do it alone. King and JR Owen us some more before counting down the Vengeance card. Steph is out and I swear, she couldn’t get less cheers if her name was Chlamydia Johnson. Luckily she actually did come out after some of the people have been boozed up so they think she’s hot. Stephanie says she is inviting everyone to join them next week for the three hour show (DAMNIT) where it’s mandatory for everyone to be here. She says that the PPV might be named Vengeance but it won’t be true until they find out who did this (a coked up Frosty the Snowman). She wanders off as the show goes off the air.


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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).