Welcome back. Having put Gersh through the official hazing ritual, I believe I’m ready to bring you all tonight’s Raw Rant. In case you missed ONS, you should know that RVD won controversially and WWE had this to say...

"It’s unfathomable to even think of how Cena must feel after such a loss. He somehow managed to adapt to the ravenous crowd at the Hammerstein Ballroom, and was even taunting them in a weird twist of fate. But even so, he had to deal with Edge, Paul Heyman, and of course, RVD’s amazing athleticism. How will the former Champ react to all of the controversy tonight on RAW?"

Yes, I mean John Cena was obviously ROBBED! How dare those ECW fucktards take his title!

Raw 05.12.06

The show is on, and we are live from Penn State University. Tonight, Hunter channels HBK in order to fight the entire Spirit Squad. Good to see some fresh new matches....

Also we will settle the controversy of the title situation.

Show opens with a John Tenta picture (disappointing to not see a video montage for him) and we go to Paul Heyman in front of the ECW sign. He says he represents ECW and even though he counted the shoulders without being an official referee, that match was under ECW which means anything goes. Therefore the decision does stand. He officially declares RVD the new WWE Champion and tomorrow night on SciFi is the premier of ECW and it will be rechristened the ECW championship. ECW also recognizes Edge as the #1 Contender. Edge will face Rob at Vengeance for the title. He then introduces RVD who keeps spinning the belt to boos (Who the fuck are these retards?) as we go to the theme and pyro to bring us in proper.

Orton is out to a decent pop. Jerry says we lost some superstars but sucks Orton off by saying he’s a great addition to Raw. Best Sign: "I slept with Mae Young to get these tickets." Kane’s pyro goes off next. And here we go.

Randy Orton w/ Shit in a bag vs. Kane w/ skeletons in the closet

Orton dances around and dodges, sneaking in a pointless right. Orton tries the right again and finally gains the advantaged with a reverse elbow. He forces Kane to the corner for a European Uppercut and a beatdown. JR makes a HORRENDOUS joke in Silence of the Slams. Orton hits a dropkick and Kane sits up before running Orton right over. Kane crushes Orton in the corner and goes up top, Orton getting thrown back to the ground. Kane hits the flying clothesline and sets up the chokeslam. Orton grabs the ropes and wraps himself in them to prevent, but Kane just kicks him in the head to send him to the floor. Orton begins crawling away as a series of women in the front row are apparently so hot for Orton they are going to cream their pants. Kane just keeps beating Orton down the aisle to a count out to big boos.
Winner: Draw

Special Match "Fact": Kane was the first ever, undead, pyromancing dentist...in the state of California.

Orton catches Kane on the apron and sets up for the RKO, but Kane reverses it into a slam on the ramp. Kane’s music hits and the imposter attacks. They duel like it’s fucking Deliverance, each trying to uppercut the other until real Kane gets eye gouged and knocked off the stage as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I want a bad ass Robo too!

Back to the show. Charlie Haas is here and they rerun what happened to Lillian last week. He calls her into the ring and asks her to accept his apology when Viscera arrives. Lillian is apparently telling Haas she doesn’t know why he’s here. A guy in the front row says "Eat her Vis!" He tells Haas even if Lillian accepts, he doesn’t then hands Lillian the mic to clothesline Charlie. Lillian tells him to stop as Viscera destroys Haas, crushing him in the corner then hitting the big Splash. Viscera acts like he’s something special before leaving as Lillian stands there agape, but DAMN she looks good. The rerun Vince/Hunter last week. I look away since I want to keep my lunch down. We go to Coach who is preparing for the State of the WWE Address as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Dave Chapelle has a new movie...."What?!" I said: Dave Chapelle has a new movie!...."OKAY!"

Back to the show. King says he won’t watch the show tomorrow night and complains about his match. There’s a retard behind them squeezing himself into the camera shot. They show Sandman beating the shit out of Eugene. We go to Eugene in the back with a band-aid on his head with a smiley drawn on it. He says he is worried about Duggan’s match with Umaga tonight. Jim compares Umaga to Everything from King Kong to the war in Iraq. Whatever the fuck is going on, I don’t know what it is. Torrie is on the way to the ring for a Wet & Wild Match with Candice, but First: Mr. McMahon.

He calls WWE a promotional Juggernaut, the most successful in history. He pimps ECW and says ECW’s representative that Heyman made it very clear that we have a new WWE Champion. He says he’d rather discuss what happened to him last week. He goes on to rant about Hunter for a while, saying Michaels is no longer in action and now he’s starting Hunter on the long and slow Highway to Hell. Commercial time after that RIVETING speech.

Random Commercial Thought: I have a secret codeword for STD. I call it Lita.

WWE Unlimited: Matt Striker competes with ECW’s chants, starting his own: "Let’s read books! Let’s read books!"

Back to the show. We have Water balloons, water guns and are ready. The winner will be on the cover of the new magazine. But fuck it, I’m not recapping this. I need my hands.

Anyway everyone gets wet including the ref after an actually decent move and Torrie wins. She then bombs the balloons at King and JR. Well, they run a video of Trish hosting the Canada Walk of Fame where she kissed Pamela Anderson. We rerun Torrie ballooning (heh heh) and go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Hate to tell you Nintendo, but I’ve never been "turned on" by a game system.

Back to the show. We get a video recap of RVD winning the title as King and JR run ECW into the ground. (how do they expect any of the losers who still buy their crap to watch if they think ECW sucks because they are told so?) and then are told Cena will face Edge again tonight. One our way to commercial we get the squad getting ready with a cheer.

Random Commercial Thought: TAG, you lying bastards!

Back to the show, Trips is here. When his entrance is over (and half the viewing audience has died of old age) Vince arrives instead of the squad. He tells us to get down to some business and tells us to look, announcing Hunter by several names. He does the same thing he did with Shawn in ejecting the ref. He says before Vince meets his demise, he wants to remind us what he did to Michaels and we replay his decimation footage. He says Trips’ demise will take a lot longer and we’ll start with Mikey. Mikey gets annihilated with a clothesline as he hops in.

Mikey gets a thumb to the eye and boxing punches in the corner. Mikey has suspiciously put on a ton of bulk. Mikey gets crushed in the corner with a clothesline and slammed in the center of the ring. Hunter gives a suck it sign and hits a running knee drop. Big DX chants begin. Mikey eats the high knee and Vince calls out Kenny. Kenny does no better. hunter beats the shit out of him and Mikey’s attack from behind fails utterly.

Mikey takes a facebuster and almost a pedigree when Kenny saves him. They begin double teaming Hunter in the corner. Double reverse elbow is booed heavily. Hunter dodges a ramp up assault and hits a neckbreaker before backdropping Mikey over the corner and hits the spinebuster on Kenny. Johnny and Nicky are next. As the big beatdown commences, an HBK chant begins. Hunter snacks on some steel steps and it must be fucking cold in the arena because Mikey is nipping like a freak. They eventually decide to sandwich a chair on Hunter’s knee in the ring like with Shawn. but Vince stops them, telling them to do it to Hunter’s neck instead. Vince finally calls Mitch to come out. He calls out Mitch to come enjoy it, but he doesn’t come. He comes flying out eventually before Shawn struts out.

Mitch takes a Sweet (chest?) Chin Music before Michaels storms the ring and he and Hunter clear the ring. Two squad members remain for the respective finishers. Vince stands agape as JR announces the reuniting of DX. Shawn and Hunter tells Vince to suck it and do the DX signs in the corners before the King of Kings music plays as Hunter moons Vince. At least it was a DIFFERENT roid-powered ass this week. Off to commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: Jack Black is the next World Champion. I’m pretty sure he could beat Rey is he sat on him.

Back to the show. The Squad is all pissed in Vince’s office. He says we’ll get rid of those bastard as the Squad takes on DX at Vengeance. Duggan is out next. They run the Umaga attack last week before said lardass arrives.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan w/ Eugene vs. Umaga w/ Armando Elajandro Estrrrrrada

Duggan tosses the ref out of the way to attack Umaga, but takes a shot to the throat. Umaga crushes him in the corner and sets him up for a tree of woe. Eugene pushes Duggan out of the tree of Woe and hands Jim the wood board. Duggan eats a superkick for his trouble. Umaga takes the board which suddenly upsets JR and King now that the heel has it. Umaga breaks it in half over his own head. Estrada annihilates a defenseless Cigar to signal Umaga’s Spike.
Winner: Umaga

Special Match "Fact": My name Jose Jimenez. I am the chief astronaut for the United States Interplanetary...

After the match, Estrada introduces himself and Umaga crushes Duggan with a move I know christen The Ass Crash. Eugene looks on like a scared little girl as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: See No evil is in theatres! Have you seen it yet?! (please give us money...)

Back to the show. Foley is here saying he defeated ECW but his injuries will take about a week to heal. He says the old Foley is back the human muppet and blah blah blah. Flair comes out and says he doesn’t care about last week. He says he wants to talk about him and Foley, not last night, and being lit on fire. He has heard that Foley has made innuendos about what Flair’s said about his career. He says he’s wanted to say it for three years. These two are getting the best pops of the night really. Flair says the only name on par with his around here is Joe Peterno. He calls Foley a glorified stuntman and for ten years, guys like Ric Flair, Hunter, Michaels, Rock, Stone Cold, Undertaker (Where’s Jeff Jarret?). He says still people tell him the greatest moment ever was not him winning his 16th title, but Foley falling off a cage. He says they sweat and bled for their greatness and Foley fell off a cage to be great? "That’s fucked up!" Foley says they don’t care about Flair’s old great matches and what bothers Flair is that to the WWE fans, his fans, he’ll never be in the same league as him.

Foley says he could take Flair out in a snap. Flair rips of his coat and attacks the microphone with elbows threatening Foley to take it now then. Foley gets all freaked and says he has lacerations and could take Flair out like that, but not right now. Flair asks if he has to add thumbtacks to get his ass to fight him right now. Foley says he doesn’t get his ass or any other body part here in now. (Thank GOD. I don't need to see a third ass.) Foley says he won’t make it a hardcore match, but he’ll outwrestle Rick at Vengeance in a two out of three falls match. Flair challenges Foley to meet him in charlotte as the crowd has pretty much died on this segment for some reason all of a sudden. Commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: I like pie.

Back to the show. Shelton is joining the announce team. I want my fashion sense back! Anyway Nitro is out with Melina. DAMN! I hate Nitro so much....Especially when he blocks my view of that entrance! Move you bastard! Move! Carlito is out next and we get footage of him beating Shelton last week.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Johnny Nitro w/ Melina

Nitro goes down and takes a few arm drags before going down by his hair. Nitro finally gets the advantage back and stomps Carlito down. Melina gives a headscissors to Carlito while the ref is distracted (BASTARD!) and Nitro gets two. Carlito escapes a front headlock with a left and a chop. A springboard reverse elbow and clothesline build momentum for Carlito. Carlito hits a knee to the jaw and a big back body drop. Shelton leaves the desk and distracts Carlito for Nitro to come out of nowhere with the win.
Winner: Nitro

Special Match "Fact": Nitro was the real name of a character in Down Periscope. His nickname? Mike.

They interview Mickie James saying that everyone who has a thing against her ends up getting injured (she also counts being on Smackdown as a horrible fate, HA!). Orton shows up and Mickie says hi. Orton calls losing to Angle (for the upteenth time) a big upset. He says if Angle has any guts he’ll face him again on WWE turf at Vengeance (Now Christened One Night Stand 2 apparently). Orton says Vengeance is his destiny as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If people would stop trying to talk to me, I might be able to actually watch a commercial.

Back to the show where we get another Highlander segment (there can be only two!...Wait, what?). They rerun DX reforming. They pimp the Vengeance card starting with Spirit Squad vs. DX ("In case you didn't know they were DX we wrote it in crayon over them!"). They do the rest of the card and we go to Maria who goes to introduce Edge in the back, but Lita takes the microphone and tells her to leave so she can introduce him. Edge babbles for a while. I pretty much ignore this whole speech to think of better things...like PacMan. We go to ringside where Stevie Richards is taking a seat in the crowd in his ECW shirt. Apparently ECW bothered to pay for tickets so they could show up five minutes before the show ends as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Get out of my pants, Nintendo.

We are back with Edge. Feel the EXCITEMENT...or don’t. Cena comes out...and attacks. That was quick.

Edge w/ Lita vs. John Cena

Edge gets beat down and hits a thumb tot he eye before making a run for it. Cena follows him and slams him into the steel steps. Edge crawls away in the ring and gets beat down in the corner. Cena stomps him to the mat and Lita attacks from behind, choking him for the DQ.
Winner: Cena

Special Match "Fact": The Champ is...on Tuesday.

Cena takes her off his back and Cena has to fight off ECW now. Cena grabs a chair and goes to town on them all. Cena gets in the ring and says he got an awakening as to how ECW does business. He sounds pretty intense. He says according to them anybody can show and when they get there they can do whatever the hell they want. Well he thinks he likes it. And as for now, he thinks he REALLY likes it because tomorrow night is the television debut. (he goes back to cartoony mode now) he says he’s gonna show up. He says and when he gets there he’ll do whatever the hell he wants and he guarantees that John Cena will have an extremely good time.

That’s the end apparently.

Highlight of the Night: Nothing really that great tonight, but Carlito/Nitro match was decent to watch so I’ll be giving that my thumbs up.

Lowlight of the Night: Completely and utterly pointless Main event. Don’t know why we even bothered doing it. They could have just as easily set the same scenario up in a promo instead.

Eugene Award: And the Eugene award goes to....Vince McMahon for still forcing us to see bare asses that don’t belong to women. Thanks Vince, please rot in hell.

Welcome back, I’ll have you know I turned down an opportunity to be on television tonight in order to be here to do this recap. Seriously.

Because somebody has to sit on the TV with the tinfoil hat to pick up the porn stations after all.

Raw 6.19.06

Tonight, Triple H and Michaels reunite as DX (and in the picture, Hunter’s head has apparently been hit by a shrink ray. I bet he talks like a prepubescent girl).

Show opens tonight with Vince complaining that he hasn’t got what he wanted the last two weeks. He says there will be no reunion tonight, just the destruction of DX. A delivery man comes with a chicken and Vince says "That’s a chicken." He says it’s a cock because apparently Vince loves cocks. He moves on further to a person in an alien suit who gropes him. When Vince walks away they imitate his walk until being stared down. He move son to find two Chip N Dale dancers here to blow his mind. Slim (a fat man in thong) starts the music and they all dance. AH GOD, THE OILY FAT! MY EYES!! Then we go to Dusty who says there’s only one thing Vince has got to do. He’s talking about his DVD...uh...yeah...He wonders if the strippers wanna buy it. We get another delivery guy wanting Vince to sign for a package. He opens it to revealing a penis enlarger pump.

It’s so funny I can’t hear the crowd not laughing. We go to ringside with King and JR finally until Vince arrives to show us his size twelve shoe. He claims to be shoving it up Hunter’s ass. Vince gets cut off in his anti-DX rant by Shane coming out to tell him something off mic. Shane tells him to go now because Stephanie is in labor. Which is hilarious when you consider this is the only way the words Stephanie McMahon and Labor can go in the same sentence. We go to the back with Coach and the McMahons where Vince leaves him in charge and is pissed because Steph has the worst timing of anyone he knows. He calls her a bitch and gets in the limo as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I have to watch Psych.

Back to the show where they do a segment about Torrie’s cover shoot. As we get ready for the tag team bra and panties match, I have to wonder if it is just me or has JR become a progressively dirtier old man recently?

Torrie Wilson & Maria vs. Candice Michelle & Mickie James

Torrie and Candace start. Candace gets hit buy a Sunset flips, but counter to keep her jean shorts. Torrie switches it up and manages to remove the shirt. Mickie tags in and takes Torrie down and her pants as well. Maria tries to tag in but eats a flapjack. Maria clothing is quickly gone and when Torrie tries to run in she takes a kick to the gut and there goes her shirt. End of that match. Hope you didn’t blink.
Winners: Candace & Mickie

Special Match "Fact": Tits & Ass is a the most repeated line in a song form a musical. The song is called "Looks: 3, Dance: 10."

After the match, Mickie clotheslines Candace and takes her shorts off as well before taunting with her own Go Daddy dance. She then takes JR’s hat and parades around the ring before declothing a "fan" who just HAPPENED to be sitting completely by herself. They pimp Kane as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Showtime dares to be different. Well I dare to be stupid. I need a microwave to stick my head in....and a vote to give to Hilary Clinton while I’m at it.

Back to the show where they replay Viscera annihilating Haas last week. Big Vis is on his way to the ring now with Lillian’s introduction and Haas is already here. You know, when you weren’t good enough to be shown entering on TV, you gotta wonder about your chances in the match. Vis tells him to apologize to her again, but he says she already accepted his apology when they went to dinner last week and had some pillow talk. Lillian looks pissed as Haas gets decked.

Viscera vs. Charlie Haas

Vis clubs Haas right out of the ring, telling him he’ll apologize before dragging him back into the ring. Haas stomps him on the way in and eats a big boss man slam. Vis put shim in a corner for a hell of a beating while asking him what he means by Pillowtalk. Haas gets squashed by a hard Irish whip and Big Vis comes in the bump and grind charge in the corner before signaling the end. Suddenly, the Spirit Squad runs in and beats up both guys. The fuck?
Winner: No Contest

Special Match "Fact": Where’s the Beef?

Haas takes the Johnny-go-round that JR has yet to learn the name of, sending him from the ring before Vis gets some high spirits and for once it doesn’t involve how he gets his eyes so glassy white. The crowd chants for DX. They told us this was gonna happen apparently. We go to the back with Shawn and Trips. they pretend to freak out that there is five against two until Hunter tells him to calm down because they are just cheerleaders. Hunter tells them they have two words for them (not suck it) "look up" and apparently they channeled "You Can’t Say That on Television" as the whole Squad gets slimed. They graffiti DX on the camera but it actually says PX (Pro Xenophobes?) as we go to commercial (The Gersh: I am impressed with the fact he could concentrate on his DX antics when his baby is about to be born).

Random Commercial Thought: Flying gnomes! Run for your lives!

Back to the show. They replay the slime. The five Incredible Hulks...oh wait that the Spirit Squad, tell Coach to take care of DX or they will. Coach gets to his office and finds Heyman. He says he realizes Coach is having a rough week. Heyman says the night is about to go from bad to worse. He says he’s not here alone tonight and right now a bus load of ECW rebels are ready to tear raw apart. (New Jack drove). He promotes a dream team tag match tomorrow. Angle & RVD vs. Edge & Orton. He says Balls Mahony didn’t deserve a steel chair to the head and he proposes Balls Mahoney should go on with Cena tonight. King and JR complain about all the cleaning going on for the slime. JR asks Kane who is in the back, to explain who the false Kane is. He says he knows who it is and he’s sadistic even compared to him. He says when they were growing up- then cuts himself off. He won’t say what he did and walks off to a commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Where are my pants?!

WWE Unlimited: Cade and Murdoch cut a promo then leave. That’s it.

Back to the show, Umaga and his manager who shall currently be nameless since it’s annoying to type, come out to beat out John something or other. They replay what happened to Duggan before the match.

Umaga w/ Estrada vs. Some guy named John

Umaga front kicks John and sends him flying like he was fucking neo from the Matrix. He slaps the shit out of poor John then sets him up in a tree of woe for the running headbutt. John screams good (the previous was said in a southern accent). John takes the Ass Crash and looks like his brain just came out his ears for us. Samoan Spike leads to a pin.
Winner: Umaga

Special Match "Fact": Samoa has two types of people. Cocky Movie Stars and apparently, fat hideous men.

Umaga beats up John a little more and Estrada takes the mic to gives us our obligatory name pimp. He doesn’t finish it because the crowd does it for him. He gets pissed at that and scowls as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What is the point of some of these things? I don’t even know what the fuck they’re selling sometimes.

Back to the show. Cena is popular once again (must be the belt that makes people not like him O.o) and ready for his match. They replay the chair shot from last week. Heyman talks to Balls after the ECW theme plays him in. Balls has a graffiti sprayed chair that he leaves with John before getting in.

John Cena vs. Sabu w/ Paul Heyman

Slug fest commences. Reverse elbow takes down Balls. (heh heh....balls...) and Cena gets a quick cover for two. Balls hits John in the face (AHAHAHAA!) and rakes him from behind. Cena goes down from a right and takes a sharp kick to the face for two. Cena rallies with boxing strikes a slopping series of shoulderblocks. Balls is taking these moves like crap. Protoplex leads to the You Can’t see me taunt. Heyman slips in the chair, but Cena slides out from the Five Knuckle Shuffle and into an STFU for the win.
Winner: Cena

Special Match "Fact": The WWE Title generates an "Aura of Evil" giving all audience member a -6 on charisma based checks.

Cena goes after Heyman, but Sabu comes from behind with a chair. He takes off the top off the announce table and uses a monitor to club Cena onto the table. Sabu jump onto the middle of the top rope, hold there then springs into the leg drop through the table on Cena. King and JR asks "John" is he’s alright as the crowd rallies for Cena and Sabu and pals escape. According to JR, Sabu is HOMOcide. Cena drags himself up to standing to big pops as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Some movies don’t belong on the screen. Ever.

Back to the show. They replay what just happened and Snitsky is in the ring. Lillian introduces Orton and Snitsky for us to get started.

Randy Orton vs. Gene Snitsky

Orton gains the early advantage and switches to his patented headlocks of death. Snitsky finally powers out and hits clotheslines and a big side slam into a retarded little dance. He wiggles his ass in a four point stance (my MIND!) and charges Orton out of it. Orton takes a beating in the corner and Snitsky attempts the Coat Hanger, but the RKO comes from nowhere after an escape for Orton to claim victory. For some reason the crowd was behind him the whole way.
Winner: Orton

Special Match "Fact": The "ECW Dream Match" consists entirely of four men who were on WWE television all the time already. Welcome to the Alliance.

Orton cuts a promo on ECW and Angle after the match by cutting off King as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I AM the bowflex.

Back to the show. Carlito says he was laughing about what ECW did tonight and it was funny. Apparently Coach heard him and made this match a handicap match. Nitro is out. Shelton is out next.

Nitro starts off with Carlito but after a brief assault, Shelton tells him to step out because he’s slipping and tags in. Carlito takes Shelton down quick, but Benjamin recovers out of the corner until he eats a running knee lift and a clothesline. Carlito picks up two. Shelton tags out to Nitro, but Carlito manages a rollup on him with the tights for two. Nitro rolls through and also grabs the tights (which is suddenly noticed now by JR) to pick up three instead.
Winner: Nitro

Special Match "Fact": Nitro somehow found fame and fortune in the short interim between being fired by Bischoff and appearing on Smackdown. Trading in yutzy shirts for Fur.

Shelton gets attacked form behind by Shelton afterward and tries to fight back, but Carlito gets the Apple Jack in before leaving for commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Rice Cripsies are ironically usually very soggy.

Back to the show. Coach enters the office to find embarrassing photos of Vince up with a mustache drawn on the Muscle and fitness one. Graffiti is all over. He turns to find DX and they mock him for a bit, I wasn’t really paying attention actually. We go to the back with Maria interviewing Eugene. he talks about how pretty she was in her knickers (heh, I said knickers). He talks about Umaga and Hacksaw, but Rob Conway comes over to say Hacksaw isn’t going anywhere but HOOOOOOme. Eugene tackles him and Tards out. We go to ringside for the pimping of the Vengeance card and a replay of Cena. We go back to the back where DX is around Coach on the couch saying the PPV looks awesome. Hunter keeps asking if he’ll buy it. They eventually end up chucking Coach’s head through the wall and pantsing him. For the THIRD WEEK IN A ROW I have to see a BARE ASS. As Coach is wearing a thong. They spray paint his ass as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Lite: The new way to spell light. Now with 30% fewer letters.

Back to the show with another Scottish Men in Furs segment. They are unable to understand how to use the mechanical key cards in hotel room (American Castle) they eventually break the door down and put it back. They go to Adult Titles on the TV because they are Adults...They love America.

Foley is at ringside for Flair/Edge.

Ric Flair vs. Edge w/Lita

Flair takes early advantage, slapping Edge around like a little girl. Edge goes to the floor and Flair follows him out as Foley tells us that he could say whatever he wants to about Vince because he is Mick Foley and Flair can’t do that. Flair brings Edge back into the ring, chopping the hell out of him until he takes Edge down with a Figure Four attempt. Edge kicks him off and right into Foley on the apron as Lita distracts the ref. Foley uses Socko and the mandible claw on Flair allowing a spear from Edge for the win.
Winner: Edge

Special Match "Fact": Is Edge sharp or blunt? they never really explain that. And further more: Spears attack with the tip, not the edge. What the hell?

RVD comes out and baseballs slides Foley then Fivestars Edge after the match. We get a backstage bit of the Squad getting the whole locker room together against DX as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Commercials are slowly consuming your mind. Buy more beer.

Back to the show. They do a classic DX entrance, music and all with the interspersed entrance video as they enter. Hunter grabs the mic and asks if we are ready. And if he adds "To Rumble" to the end of that he’s paying out some huge ass royalties. He does skip the "To Rumble" but goes to the next line of "For the thousands in attendance and the millions watching" And tells us to get ready to suck it. No thanks, I already had something to drink. Shawn grabs the mic while DX chants go on. Shawn and Hunter move on to the subject of Stephanie and Hunter says whoever was that fathered the child had to be one hell of a stud and hung like a....Shawn cuts him off to smoothly segue into a PPV plug. They shill the show then move on to the Squad. He says he’s never been a cheerleader but knows what they are thinking. They have the Squad come down, but it’s just a bunch of misshapen midgets. The midget takes a "superkick" from Hunter.

Hunter then brings out his own version of cheerleaders, several hot babes. They get played in by the same theme. They do a DX cheer and reveal their bras to have DX on them. The squad interrupts them from removing the bras, but lose their backup along the way and get their asses handed to them quite quickly with finishers galor. We then have to see BARE MIDGET ASSES....TWICE that have Suck It written on the cheeks as we go off the air. God...my brain...

Highlight of the Night: Nothing. I mean there were ZERO in depth matches tonight and none of the segments were even remotely entertaining beyond the Highlanders which would be way better if they spent their entire time in America beheading other men.

Lowlight of the Night: MIDGET ASSES. COACH’S ASS. Need I say more?

Eugene Award: Eugene takes it himself for the weirdest roar of anger I’ve ever seen in my life. What the fuck was that? He looked like he was having electroshock therapy.

In case you haven't been paying attention, you gotta head over to the main page for all the new article including new stuff from Sean and a brand new writer here at the site. Be there or be killed. Seriously...we know where you live....yeah you, in the PJs with the beer.