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WWE RAW RANT: (06/05/06) By Gershon Levy

On the eve of the most evil day in well, a century, a horrific event which is the sign of the Apocalypse will occur.  It is the unholy sight of the bare ass of Vincent Kennedy McMahon.  Oh by the way, this is The Gersh filling in for Cameron so he doesn’t have to witness this event.  He’s feeli ng sick and I’m afraid if he sees it, I will be taking over this job full time.  Let’s get to the mediocrity.
Tonight we are in Pittsburgh and besides Trips joining the Kiss My Ass Club, we also get a contract signing between Cena and RVD.  I can’t remember the last time they did one of these that did not involve Triple H so I almost wonder what will happen.  OK maybe I don’t care.
On the pre-show Unlimited Lilian does the National Anthem, introduces JR and King then Coach and Paul Heyman enter the arena.  Looks like we got the contract signing first.
Trips is backstage and greeted by Shane-O-Mac.  Shane knows the sledgehammer incident was an accident and is embarrassed by his “alabaster doughy keister” (basically he has a pasty white ass).  He suggests Hunter talk to Vince about it.  Theme and pyro and it’s nice for the show to be back on the East Coast where the fans are not so marky mark.  RVD’s music hits for what is probably his last appearance on Raw before moving to ECW.  Coach tries to introduce him but is cut off by Heyman who does it himself.  Coach introduces Cena and ahh, there are those boos I remember so well.  Both guys have a seat and Coach shows them the contract.  Apparently both their lawyers approved it (Cena’s lawyer is Dr. Dre and RVD’s is Snoop Dogg I would guess going with Eminem and pothead comparisons).  RVD gets a microphone and says he plans on winning the title and it becomes the ECW title.  He and then Heyman let Cena know that the Chain Gang will not be present at One Night Stand and that they can’t wait to hear Cena get booed out of the building.  Cena claims to be an ECW fan but says he won’t just lie down and give RVD the title.  He fought and bled (and sold a shitload of merchandise) to keep the title.  Big “Cena sucks” chant starts and after the signing Cena wishes RVD luck.  Heyman says his experience with ECW will start on Wednesday with a 10 on 10 battle royal between ECW and WWE.  He says also that a few ECW members are here tonight and out comes Tommy Dreamer, Balls Mahoney, Sandman, and Terry Funk (surprised he made it through the crowd in one piece).  Cena attacks but then gets pounded with a Singapore cane by Sandman and Sabu comes to the ring with a steel chair, goes to the top rope and dives right on Cena though he kind of botched it.  Raw locker room clears and it’s kind of sad when I recognize more of the ECW guys than Raw.  There were some people there I have never seen before!  ECW group runs off and we go to commercial.
Unlimited: Cena is bleeding a bit from the beatdown and all the WWE wrestlers stay in the ring.  Then they start leaving.  This is insider information you can’t get anywhere el se!
Carlito’s music hits and it almost looks like he might have gotten a trim.  Shelton Benjamin follows and we are ready for our first match of the night.
Carlito vs. IC Champion Shelton Benjamin (Bacardi Apple vs. Cola Match, non title)
Elbow off the ropes from Carlito then Benjamin with a stiff kick to the head.  Carlito’s head gets smashed into the turnbuckle then gets a snap mare and Benjamin does a Randy Orton patented chinlock.  Carlito reaches his feet and punches back some but Shelton throws him out of the ring.  Carlito tries to get back in but Shelton keeps throwing punches.  Back inside, a double clothesline and the pointless 10 count.  Both men get to their feet, Carlito gets a knee lift th en a springboard elbow and a count of two.  Shelton then tries for the splash in the corner but misses, Carlito goes to the top rope and does a backward flip which did nothing but then did a backcracker (I think I might call it the Apple Jack) and gets the three count for the win.
Winner: Carlito
Quick promo for “See No Evil” (that movie is still out?).  Hunter goes to Vince’s office and Coach greets him inside.  Trips notices a picture on the wall of HBK kissing Vince’s posterior.
Unlimited: Maria is out looking rather yummy.  It’s the Kiss Cam, which must be the hardest thing for WWE to shoot because finding a couple at a wrestling event is very difficult.
The Super Bowl Champion Steelers got their rings today and are in the front row.  Back to Mr. McMahon’s office, Vince comes in and apparently he was in New York (I didn’t see him) and got his private parts and butt waxed in something called an “assial” (like a facial on your ass, which I gave this girl last night).  Hunter obviously has no desire to kiss his ass and Vince is hoping he would do it because the whole locker room might follow suit.  Hunter still refuses so Vince offers an alternative.  If he can beat Big Show tonight, he can get out of it.  Thing is, the match is now and as he says that Hunter’s music hits.  Took him a moment to get out there and when he did he quickly poured water over his head and slipped his elbow pad.  Off to commercial we go.
Unlimited: Vince says he has a third plan so he asks Trips to come back to his office.  Hunter obliges.
HHH vs. Big Show (To Kiss or Not to Kiss My Ass Match)
Hunter is back in the ring.  Umm, that was quick.  Big Show is on his way out.  A couple of Show’s toaster oven sized chops and a military press.  Show runs at Trips but Hunter ducks and drops the rope so Show goes over.  Right as he hit the floor, the Spirit Squad ran down and attacked Show which caused a DQ.
Winner by DQ: Big Show
Unlimited: My phone rang so I couldn’t hear it but it appeared the Queer Eye for the Spirited Guy bragged about what they did and Matt Striker came to the ring.
Vince is on his cell phone and Hunter comes in wondering what the hell just happened with the “Spirit Jack Offs”.  Vince claims to have had nothing to do with it but if he lost, then he has to kiss his ass or else never wrestle for a championship again.
The official Eugene Moment of the night commences with Eugene’s entrance.  Striker says the last time they wrestled he made an example of him.  Eugene claims that he has a tutor now, and it’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan.  I fear enough for the education of the children in this country, but now I really fear for this country’s mentally challenged.
Matt Striker vs. Eugene w/ Hacksaw Jim Duggan (Bored of Education Match)
Striker nails Eugene with a DDT and gets a close count for two.  Hacksaw tries to rally the crowd behind Eugene.  Striker rams Eugene’s head into the turnbuckle which of course makes him mad.  A few punches, an airplane spin and an attempt of a Rock Bottom which fails.  Hacksaw starts a USA chant (which is really “Eugene” since Striker is from NYC).  Matt is distracted enough for Eugene to deliver a running clothesline from the corner and the pin.
Winner: Eugene
Umaga runs down to ringside and attacks both guys including the Samoan Thumbs Up (I know it’s the Spike, but it’s a stupid move).  Armando Alejandro Estrada is on the microphone saying Hacksaw is the latest victim to the “Samoan Bulldozer”.  And I am the latest victim of wondering why I watch this crap.
After a commercial, Kurt Angle comes to the ring to a real big pop.  Big Angle chant and he says that even though he is a proud member of ECW there was no way he wasn’t coming back to his hometown of Pittsburgh.  Foley in terrupts and accuses him of stealing his cheap pop (which gets a boo, ha!).  Foley says ECW is full of Foley rip-offs and Angle says everything Flair said about him, it’s true.  He is just a glorified stuntman and went from Mrs. Foley’s baby boy to a big hairy prostitute.  Foley mentions he heard on Smackdown Angle is issuing an open challenge and he figured Heyman was lying.  Angle said how about Foley challenge him after his tag match.  Foley is joined by Lita’s tits (I think she was there too, but that was all I saw) and she whispers into his ear.  Foley introduces the guy who has the most wins against him, Edge.  Edge comes out and compares himself to the cha mpion Steelers and Angle to the lowly Pirates.  Angle says he better tell him why he’s out there or he’ll snap his ankle in two and calls him a “blonde haired bitch”.  Edge reminds him that he hated ECW the first time he was there (oh it’s true) and he bets Angle would love to switch places with him.  Angle mentions how he always proved his critics wrong and that the ECW he is a part of is not the same as 10 years ago.  He then goes for an ankle lock but Foley breaks it up and he gets an Angle Slam.  Angle gets the ankle lock on Edge and he manages to escape.  Out of nowhere, Randy Orton comes in and delivers an RKO.  As always, Orton takes a shit on something.
Unlimited: Orton is stopped by Tard and he says that was revenge for Angle breaking his ankle 60 days ago (ironically the same amount of time he was suspended).  He then says he accepts Angle’s challenge.  OK now I will definitely not be ordering ONS.
Cade and Murdoch are in the ring, and Murdoch says Kane won’t be so lucky in his match against Cade.  Lance has black hair and a goatee, which explains why I didn’t recognize him earlier.  Kane then comes out.  JR mentions he saw “See No Evil” twice and the second time he noticed things that he didn’t notice the first time.  He didn’t realize the first time he went if he buys the large popcorn and soda, he gets free refills.
New School Kane w/voices vs. Lance Cade w/Trevor Murdoch (Can You Hear Me Now Match)
Kane delivers some clotheslines in the corner and a sidewalk slam.  He then goes to the top rope and gives a flying clothesline.  He motions for the chokeslam and delivers.  Then we get the voices saying “I’m waiting” and Kane looks really pissed and leaves the ring saying he’s coming.  The ref counts out Kane and Murdoch brags about the win even though Cade didn’t do a damn thing in the match.
Winner: Lance Cade
Kane is backstage looking for the source of the voices (it’s the tech booth you idiot!).  The lights go out and his old school counterpart comes from behind when they come back on and beats the crap out of him ending with throwing a trash can on him.
Unlimited: Murdoch is still bragging and says they will be the next Tag Champs.  Well not like they have any competition to be number one contenders or anything.
Back on the show, two Scottish guys called the McCallisters (their tag team name is the Highlanders) go around New York City meeting with the locals.  I saw them on the subway over the weekend selling candy to get off the streets.
Best entrance in wrestling with Melina and Nitro.  Man the Divas all look really good tonight, I want to fuck them all.  Charlie Haas comes out to his “Wreckless Intent” theme.  Where there’s a shill, there’s a way.
Charlie Haas vs. Johnny Nitro w/Melina (Fired and Rehired vs. Suspended Partner Match)
Nitro starts with a thumb to the eye (which seems a lot more painful than the Samoan Spike if you ask me).  A neckbreaker and a two count.  Haas is on his feet and nails Nitro wi th a couple of clotheslines.  Haas gives a monkey flip and Nitro does a full flip in the air.  Haas does some punches from the second rope and Melina comes into the ring faking an injury to which Nitro sneaks behind and does a fruit roll up (sounds like a Rico/Billy and Chuck/Hearthrobs move) for the win.
Winner: Johnny Nitro
Apparently something happened to Lilian where she fell off the apron.  A male announcer is there now who is not hot at all.  Victoria is in the ring, followed by a curly haired Mickie James (which looks REALLY hot).  Beth Phoenix is next (actually has theme music this time) accompanied by Trish.
Beth Phoenix w/ Trish vs. Victoria w/ Mickie James (Four Women I’d Love To Have an Orgy With Match)
Vickie chokes Beth on the ropes and then snaps her head off it.  She goes for a pin but an easy kickout.  Suplex attempt is reversed into one by Beth and a few punches and clotheslines.  Dropkick to the gut and a two count.  Beth keeps trying to get the crowd into the match but it isn’t working.  Mickie interferes which allows Victoria to get a roll up but the ref doesn’t count because she is holding the tights (showing off Beth’s thong).  Trish pulls Mickie off the apron which distracts Victoria and Beth gets a sit down slam and the pin.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Vince and Shane are admiring the HBK ass kissing photo.  Vince thinks tonight will be very special, he just wants to make sure the job gets done.  Vince asks if he’d like to see the results of his “assial” to which Shane obvio usly passes on (seriously, your dad’s butt?).
A recap of what happened during the contract signing is shown then JR mentions how Tazz challenged King.  King gets on the microphone and says Tazz is a rulebreaker and a crappy announcer.  He also makes a comment about he’s too short to get on rides at Disneyland.  He then accepts the challenge.  They go over the ECW One Night Stand lineup and I’ll be honest, it is NOWHERE near as good as last year’s.
Shane finds Hunter in the locker room and he tries to calm him down.  When Hunter’s back is turned, Shane drugs his water.  Then Shane calls Vince on his cell and meantime when he isn’t looking Hunter swaps the water bottle.  Then they both drink.  Ooh intrigue!
After a commercial, Vince and Shane come out.  Vince reminds us there are many kinds of clubs such as strip clubs, country clubs but the most elite is the Kiss My Ass Club.  He also reminisces about HBK and JR are members as well as Shane.  Vince then introduces Triple H.  Promo theme hits and he comes out.  I neglected to mention earlier every time he’s been on tonight besides for his match, Hunter is wearing a backwards baseball cap.  OK that really was pointless to mention.
Vince says he’s doing this because it’s “leadership by example”.  Geez and imagine if JBL fit that role!  Vince says Trips looks a little groggy and asks if he is OK.  Hunter starts to fall over and collapses.  Vince says he must want to kiss his ass.  He removes his jacket and then his pants.  He tells Shane to make Trips kiss his ass.  Shane suddenly gets groggy and passes out.  As Vince turns around, Hunter stands up.  When Vince realizes what happened he turns around and gets a pedigree (with a full view of ass for us).  And with that we go off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Opening segment with the ECW beatdown on Cena especially with Sabu’s top rope dive with a chair (I’m sure that has a name I don’t know) and the Carlito-Shelton match was pretty good too.
Lowlight of the Night: Vince’s ass, no contest.  Glad he got the pedigree, but I am still blind.
Eugene Moment of the Night: Could go with the obvious and say the Eugene match, but I’m going with Orton accepting Angle’s challenge at ONS.  Angle’s open invite had so many possibilities and I had hoped for a one time dream match of some kind.
As I am finishing this up, I noticed on WWE.com that besides Lilian suffering a sprained wrist, Beth Phoenix suffered a fractured mandible and will need oral surgery.  That sounds way hotter than it should.
Now that you’re done here, check out some of the other great stuff on TWF.  You can read Joe’s Lowdown on Smackdown, Remy’s TNeh Report, and you MUST read Sean’s brilliant satire about ECW on the Sci-Fi Channel.
Finally, thanks to my reliability as second string for this recap, I have been selected to recap the new ECW show that premieres next Tuesday on Sci-Fi.  Also stay tuned for my recap of the WWE vs. ECW special this Wednesday if I’m not too drunk.  Thanks for reading.  Happy Triple Six Day!

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

WWE RAW RANT: (06/12/06) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back. Having put Gersh through the official hazing ritual, I believe I’m ready to bring you all tonight’s Raw Rant. In case you missed ONS, you should know that RVD won controversially and WWE had this to say...

"It’s unfathomable to even think of how Cena must feel after such a loss. He somehow managed to adapt to the ravenous crowd at the Hammerstein Ballroom, and was even taunting them in a weird twist of fate. But even so, he had to deal with Edge, Paul Heyman, and of course, RVD’s amazing athleticism. How will the former Champ react to all of the controversy tonight on RAW?"

Yes, I mean John Cena was obviously ROBBED! How dare those ECW fucktards take his title!

Raw 05.12.06

The show is on, and we are live from Penn State University. Tonight, Hunter channels HBK in order to fight the entire Spirit Squad. Good to see some fresh new matches....

Also we will settle the controversy of the title situation.

Show opens with a John Tenta picture (disappointing to not see a video montage for him) and we go to Paul Heyman in front of the ECW sign. He says he represents ECW and even though he counted the shoulders without being an official referee, that match was under ECW which means anything goes. Therefore the decision does stand. He officially declares RVD the new WWE Champion and tomorrow night on SciFi is the premier of ECW and it will be rechristened the ECW championship. ECW also recognizes Edge as the #1 Contender. Edge will face Rob at Vengeance for the title. He then introduces RVD who keeps spinning the belt to boos (Who the fuck are these retards?) as we go to the theme and pyro to bring us in proper.

Orton is out to a decent pop. Jerry says we lost some superstars but sucks Orton off by saying he’s a great addition to Raw. Best Sign: "I slept with Mae Young to get these tickets." Kane’s pyro goes off next. And here we go.

Randy Orton w/ Shit in a bag vs. Kane w/ skeletons in the closet

Orton dances around and dodges, sneaking in a pointless right. Orton tries the right again and finally gains the advantaged with a reverse elbow. He forces Kane to the corner for a European Uppercut and a beatdown. JR makes a HORRENDOUS joke in Silence of the Slams. Orton hits a dropkick and Kane sits up before running Orton right over. Kane crushes Orton in the corner and goes up top, Orton getting thrown back to the ground. Kane hits the flying clothesline and sets up the chokeslam. Orton grabs the ropes and wraps himself in them to prevent, but Kane just kicks him in the head to send him to the floor. Orton begins crawling away as a series of women in the front row are apparently so hot for Orton they are going to cream their pants. Kane just keeps beating Orton down the aisle to a count out to big boos.
Winner: Draw

Special Match "Fact": Kane was the first ever, undead, pyromancing dentist...in the state of California.

Orton catches Kane on the apron and sets up for the RKO, but Kane reverses it into a slam on the ramp. Kane’s music hits and the imposter attacks. They duel like it’s fucking Deliverance, each trying to uppercut the other until real Kane gets eye gouged and knocked off the stage as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I want a bad ass Robo too!

Back to the show. Charlie Haas is here and they rerun what happened to Lillian last week. He calls her into the ring and asks her to accept his apology when Viscera arrives. Lillian is apparently telling Haas she doesn’t know why he’s here. A guy in the front row says "Eat her Vis!" He tells Haas even if Lillian accepts, he doesn’t then hands Lillian the mic to clothesline Charlie. Lillian tells him to stop as Viscera destroys Haas, crushing him in the corner then hitting the big Splash. Viscera acts like he’s something special before leaving as Lillian stands there agape, but DAMN she looks good. The rerun Vince/Hunter last week. I look away since I want to keep my lunch down. We go to Coach who is preparing for the State of the WWE Address as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Dave Chapelle has a new movie...."What?!" I said: Dave Chapelle has a new movie!...."OKAY!"

Back to the show. King says he won’t watch the show tomorrow night and complains about his match. There’s a retard behind them squeezing himself into the camera shot. They show Sandman beating the shit out of Eugene. We go to Eugene in the back with a band-aid on his head with a smiley drawn on it. He says he is worried about Duggan’s match with Umaga tonight. Jim compares Umaga to Everything from King Kong to the war in Iraq. Whatever the fuck is going on, I don’t know what it is. Torrie is on the way to the ring for a Wet & Wild Match with Candice, but First: Mr. McMahon.

He calls WWE a promotional Juggernaut, the most successful in history. He pimps ECW and says ECW’s representative that Heyman made it very clear that we have a new WWE Champion. He says he’d rather discuss what happened to him last week. He goes on to rant about Hunter for a while, saying Michaels is no longer in action and now he’s starting Hunter on the long and slow Highway to Hell. Commercial time after that RIVETING speech.

Random Commercial Thought: I have a secret codeword for STD. I call it Lita.

WWE Unlimited: Matt Striker competes with ECW’s chants, starting his own: "Let’s read books! Let’s read books!"

Back to the show. We have Water balloons, water guns and are ready. The winner will be on the cover of the new magazine. But fuck it, I’m not recapping this. I need my hands.

Anyway everyone gets wet including the ref after an actually decent move and Torrie wins. She then bombs the balloons at King and JR. Well, they run a video of Trish hosting the Canada Walk of Fame where she kissed Pamela Anderson. We rerun Torrie ballooning (heh heh) and go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Hate to tell you Nintendo, but I’ve never been "turned on" by a game system.

Back to the show. We get a video recap of RVD winning the title as King and JR run ECW into the ground. (how do they expect any of the losers who still buy their crap to watch if they think ECW sucks because they are told so?) and then are told Cena will face Edge again tonight. One our way to commercial we get the squad getting ready with a cheer.

Random Commercial Thought: TAG, you lying bastards!

Back to the show, Trips is here. When his entrance is over (and half the viewing audience has died of old age) Vince arrives instead of the squad. He tells us to get down to some business and tells us to look, announcing Hunter by several names. He does the same thing he did with Shawn in ejecting the ref. He says before Vince meets his demise, he wants to remind us what he did to Michaels and we replay his decimation footage. He says Trips’ demise will take a lot longer and we’ll start with Mikey. Mikey gets annihilated with a clothesline as he hops in.

Mikey gets a thumb to the eye and boxing punches in the corner. Mikey has suspiciously put on a ton of bulk. Mikey gets crushed in the corner with a clothesline and slammed in the center of the ring. Hunter gives a suck it sign and hits a running knee drop. Big DX chants begin. Mikey eats the high knee and Vince calls out Kenny. Kenny does no better. hunter beats the shit out of him and Mikey’s attack from behind fails utterly.

Mikey takes a facebuster and almost a pedigree when Kenny saves him. They begin double teaming Hunter in the corner. Double reverse elbow is booed heavily. Hunter dodges a ramp up assault and hits a neckbreaker before backdropping Mikey over the corner and hits the spinebuster on Kenny. Johnny and Nicky are next. As the big beatdown commences, an HBK chant begins. Hunter snacks on some steel steps and it must be fucking cold in the arena because Mikey is nipping like a freak. They eventually decide to sandwich a chair on Hunter’s knee in the ring like with Shawn. but Vince stops them, telling them to do it to Hunter’s neck instead. Vince finally calls Mitch to come out. He calls out Mitch to come enjoy it, but he doesn’t come. He comes flying out eventually before Shawn struts out.

Mitch takes a Sweet (chest?) Chin Music before Michaels storms the ring and he and Hunter clear the ring. Two squad members remain for the respective finishers. Vince stands agape as JR announces the reuniting of DX. Shawn and Hunter tells Vince to suck it and do the DX signs in the corners before the King of Kings music plays as Hunter moons Vince. At least it was a DIFFERENT roid-powered ass this week. Off to commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: Jack Black is the next World Champion. I’m pretty sure he could beat Rey is he sat on him.

Back to the show. The Squad is all pissed in Vince’s office. He says we’ll get rid of those bastard as the Squad takes on DX at Vengeance. Duggan is out next. They run the Umaga attack last week before said lardass arrives.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan w/ Eugene vs. Umaga w/ Armando Elajandro Estrrrrrada

Duggan tosses the ref out of the way to attack Umaga, but takes a shot to the throat. Umaga crushes him in the corner and sets him up for a tree of woe. Eugene pushes Duggan out of the tree of Woe and hands Jim the wood board. Duggan eats a superkick for his trouble. Umaga takes the board which suddenly upsets JR and King now that the heel has it. Umaga breaks it in half over his own head. Estrada annihilates a defenseless Cigar to signal Umaga’s Spike.
Winner: Umaga

Special Match "Fact": My name Jose Jimenez. I am the chief astronaut for the United States Interplanetary...

After the match, Estrada introduces himself and Umaga crushes Duggan with a move I know christen The Ass Crash. Eugene looks on like a scared little girl as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: See No evil is in theatres! Have you seen it yet?! (please give us money...)

Back to the show. Foley is here saying he defeated ECW but his injuries will take about a week to heal. He says the old Foley is back the human muppet and blah blah blah. Flair comes out and says he doesn’t care about last week. He says he wants to talk about him and Foley, not last night, and being lit on fire. He has heard that Foley has made innuendos about what Flair’s said about his career. He says he’s wanted to say it for three years. These two are getting the best pops of the night really. Flair says the only name on par with his around here is Joe Peterno. He calls Foley a glorified stuntman and for ten years, guys like Ric Flair, Hunter, Michaels, Rock, Stone Cold, Undertaker (Where’s Jeff Jarret?). He says still people tell him the greatest moment ever was not him winning his 16th title, but Foley falling off a cage. He says they sweat and bled for their greatness and Foley fell off a cage to be great? "That’s fucked up!" Foley says they don’t care about Flair’s old great matches and what bothers Flair is that to the WWE fans, his fans, he’ll never be in the same league as him.

Foley says he could take Flair out in a snap. Flair rips of his coat and attacks the microphone with elbows threatening Foley to take it now then. Foley gets all freaked and says he has lacerations and could take Flair out like that, but not right now. Flair asks if he has to add thumbtacks to get his ass to fight him right now. Foley says he doesn’t get his ass or any other body part here in now. (Thank GOD. I don't need to see a third ass.) Foley says he won’t make it a hardcore match, but he’ll outwrestle Rick at Vengeance in a two out of three falls match. Flair challenges Foley to meet him in charlotte as the crowd has pretty much died on this segment for some reason all of a sudden. Commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: I like pie.

Back to the show. Shelton is joining the announce team. I want my fashion sense back! Anyway Nitro is out with Melina. DAMN! I hate Nitro so much....Especially when he blocks my view of that entrance! Move you bastard! Move! Carlito is out next and we get footage of him beating Shelton last week.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Johnny Nitro w/ Melina

Nitro goes down and takes a few arm drags before going down by his hair. Nitro finally gets the advantage back and stomps Carlito down. Melina gives a headscissors to Carlito while the ref is distracted (BASTARD!) and Nitro gets two. Carlito escapes a front headlock with a left and a chop. A springboard reverse elbow and clothesline build momentum for Carlito. Carlito hits a knee to the jaw and a big back body drop. Shelton leaves the desk and distracts Carlito for Nitro to come out of nowhere with the win.
Winner: Nitro

Special Match "Fact": Nitro was the real name of a character in Down Periscope. His nickname? Mike.

They interview Mickie James saying that everyone who has a thing against her ends up getting injured (she also counts being on Smackdown as a horrible fate, HA!). Orton shows up and Mickie says hi. Orton calls losing to Angle (for the upteenth time) a big upset. He says if Angle has any guts he’ll face him again on WWE turf at Vengeance (Now Christened One Night Stand 2 apparently). Orton says Vengeance is his destiny as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If people would stop trying to talk to me, I might be able to actually watch a commercial.

Back to the show where we get another Highlander segment (there can be only two!...Wait, what?). They rerun DX reforming. They pimp the Vengeance card starting with Spirit Squad vs. DX ("In case you didn't know they were DX we wrote it in crayon over them!"). They do the rest of the card and we go to Maria who goes to introduce Edge in the back, but Lita takes the microphone and tells her to leave so she can introduce him. Edge babbles for a while. I pretty much ignore this whole speech to think of better things...like PacMan. We go to ringside where Stevie Richards is taking a seat in the crowd in his ECW shirt. Apparently ECW bothered to pay for tickets so they could show up five minutes before the show ends as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Get out of my pants, Nintendo.

We are back with Edge. Feel the EXCITEMENT...or don’t. Cena comes out...and attacks. That was quick.

Edge w/ Lita vs. John Cena

Edge gets beat down and hits a thumb tot he eye before making a run for it. Cena follows him and slams him into the steel steps. Edge crawls away in the ring and gets beat down in the corner. Cena stomps him to the mat and Lita attacks from behind, choking him for the DQ.
Winner: Cena

Special Match "Fact": The Champ is...on Tuesday.

Cena takes her off his back and Cena has to fight off ECW now. Cena grabs a chair and goes to town on them all. Cena gets in the ring and says he got an awakening as to how ECW does business. He sounds pretty intense. He says according to them anybody can show and when they get there they can do whatever the hell they want. Well he thinks he likes it. And as for now, he thinks he REALLY likes it because tomorrow night is the television debut. (he goes back to cartoony mode now) he says he’s gonna show up. He says and when he gets there he’ll do whatever the hell he wants and he guarantees that John Cena will have an extremely good time.

That’s the end apparently.

Highlight of the Night: Nothing really that great tonight, but Carlito/Nitro match was decent to watch so I’ll be giving that my thumbs up.

Lowlight of the Night: Completely and utterly pointless Main event. Don’t know why we even bothered doing it. They could have just as easily set the same scenario up in a promo instead.

Eugene Award: And the Eugene award goes to....Vince McMahon for still forcing us to see bare asses that don’t belong to women. Thanks Vince, please rot in hell.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (06/19/06) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back, I’ll have you know I turned down an opportunity to be on television tonight in order to be here to do this recap. Seriously.

Because somebody has to sit on the TV with the tinfoil hat to pick up the porn stations after all.

Raw 6.19.06

Tonight, Triple H and Michaels reunite as DX (and in the picture, Hunter’s head has apparently been hit by a shrink ray. I bet he talks like a prepubescent girl).

Show opens tonight with Vince complaining that he hasn’t got what he wanted the last two weeks. He says there will be no reunion tonight, just the destruction of DX. A delivery man comes with a chicken and Vince says "That’s a chicken." He says it’s a cock because apparently Vince loves cocks. He moves on further to a person in an alien suit who gropes him. When Vince walks away they imitate his walk until being stared down. He move son to find two Chip N Dale dancers here to blow his mind. Slim (a fat man in thong) starts the music and they all dance. AH GOD, THE OILY FAT! MY EYES!! Then we go to Dusty who says there’s only one thing Vince has got to do. He’s talking about his DVD...uh...yeah...He wonders if the strippers wanna buy it. We get another delivery guy wanting Vince to sign for a package. He opens it to revealing a penis enlarger pump.

It’s so funny I can’t hear the crowd not laughing. We go to ringside with King and JR finally until Vince arrives to show us his size twelve shoe. He claims to be shoving it up Hunter’s ass. Vince gets cut off in his anti-DX rant by Shane coming out to tell him something off mic. Shane tells him to go now because Stephanie is in labor. Which is hilarious when you consider this is the only way the words Stephanie McMahon and Labor can go in the same sentence. We go to the back with Coach and the McMahons where Vince leaves him in charge and is pissed because Steph has the worst timing of anyone he knows. He calls her a bitch and gets in the limo as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I have to watch Psych.

Back to the show where they do a segment about Torrie’s cover shoot. As we get ready for the tag team bra and panties match, I have to wonder if it is just me or has JR become a progressively dirtier old man recently?

Torrie Wilson & Maria vs. Candice Michelle & Mickie James

Torrie and Candace start. Candace gets hit buy a Sunset flips, but counter to keep her jean shorts. Torrie switches it up and manages to remove the shirt. Mickie tags in and takes Torrie down and her pants as well. Maria tries to tag in but eats a flapjack. Maria clothing is quickly gone and when Torrie tries to run in she takes a kick to the gut and there goes her shirt. End of that match. Hope you didn’t blink.
Winners: Candace & Mickie

Special Match "Fact": Tits & Ass is a the most repeated line in a song form a musical. The song is called "Looks: 3, Dance: 10."

After the match, Mickie clotheslines Candace and takes her shorts off as well before taunting with her own Go Daddy dance. She then takes JR’s hat and parades around the ring before declothing a "fan" who just HAPPENED to be sitting completely by herself. They pimp Kane as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Showtime dares to be different. Well I dare to be stupid. I need a microwave to stick my head in....and a vote to give to Hilary Clinton while I’m at it.

Back to the show where they replay Viscera annihilating Haas last week. Big Vis is on his way to the ring now with Lillian’s introduction and Haas is already here. You know, when you weren’t good enough to be shown entering on TV, you gotta wonder about your chances in the match. Vis tells him to apologize to her again, but he says she already accepted his apology when they went to dinner last week and had some pillow talk. Lillian looks pissed as Haas gets decked.

Viscera vs. Charlie Haas

Vis clubs Haas right out of the ring, telling him he’ll apologize before dragging him back into the ring. Haas stomps him on the way in and eats a big boss man slam. Vis put shim in a corner for a hell of a beating while asking him what he means by Pillowtalk. Haas gets squashed by a hard Irish whip and Big Vis comes in the bump and grind charge in the corner before signaling the end. Suddenly, the Spirit Squad runs in and beats up both guys. The fuck?
Winner: No Contest

Special Match "Fact": Where’s the Beef?

Haas takes the Johnny-go-round that JR has yet to learn the name of, sending him from the ring before Vis gets some high spirits and for once it doesn’t involve how he gets his eyes so glassy white. The crowd chants for DX. They told us this was gonna happen apparently. We go to the back with Shawn and Trips. they pretend to freak out that there is five against two until Hunter tells him to calm down because they are just cheerleaders. Hunter tells them they have two words for them (not suck it) "look up" and apparently they channeled "You Can’t Say That on Television" as the whole Squad gets slimed. They graffiti DX on the camera but it actually says PX (Pro Xenophobes?) as we go to commercial (The Gersh: I am impressed with the fact he could concentrate on his DX antics when his baby is about to be born).

Random Commercial Thought: Flying gnomes! Run for your lives!

Back to the show. They replay the slime. The five Incredible Hulks...oh wait that the Spirit Squad, tell Coach to take care of DX or they will. Coach gets to his office and finds Heyman. He says he realizes Coach is having a rough week. Heyman says the night is about to go from bad to worse. He says he’s not here alone tonight and right now a bus load of ECW rebels are ready to tear raw apart. (New Jack drove). He promotes a dream team tag match tomorrow. Angle & RVD vs. Edge & Orton. He says Balls Mahony didn’t deserve a steel chair to the head and he proposes Balls Mahoney should go on with Cena tonight. King and JR complain about all the cleaning going on for the slime. JR asks Kane who is in the back, to explain who the false Kane is. He says he knows who it is and he’s sadistic even compared to him. He says when they were growing up- then cuts himself off. He won’t say what he did and walks off to a commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Where are my pants?!

WWE Unlimited: Cade and Murdoch cut a promo then leave. That’s it.

Back to the show, Umaga and his manager who shall currently be nameless since it’s annoying to type, come out to beat out John something or other. They replay what happened to Duggan before the match.

Umaga w/ Estrada vs. Some guy named John

Umaga front kicks John and sends him flying like he was fucking neo from the Matrix. He slaps the shit out of poor John then sets him up in a tree of woe for the running headbutt. John screams good (the previous was said in a southern accent). John takes the Ass Crash and looks like his brain just came out his ears for us. Samoan Spike leads to a pin.
Winner: Umaga

Special Match "Fact": Samoa has two types of people. Cocky Movie Stars and apparently, fat hideous men.

Umaga beats up John a little more and Estrada takes the mic to gives us our obligatory name pimp. He doesn’t finish it because the crowd does it for him. He gets pissed at that and scowls as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What is the point of some of these things? I don’t even know what the fuck they’re selling sometimes.

Back to the show. Cena is popular once again (must be the belt that makes people not like him O.o) and ready for his match. They replay the chair shot from last week. Heyman talks to Balls after the ECW theme plays him in. Balls has a graffiti sprayed chair that he leaves with John before getting in.

John Cena vs. Sabu w/ Paul Heyman

Slug fest commences. Reverse elbow takes down Balls. (heh heh....balls...) and Cena gets a quick cover for two. Balls hits John in the face (AHAHAHAA!) and rakes him from behind. Cena goes down from a right and takes a sharp kick to the face for two. Cena rallies with boxing strikes a slopping series of shoulderblocks. Balls is taking these moves like crap. Protoplex leads to the You Can’t see me taunt. Heyman slips in the chair, but Cena slides out from the Five Knuckle Shuffle and into an STFU for the win.
Winner: Cena

Special Match "Fact": The WWE Title generates an "Aura of Evil" giving all audience member a -6 on charisma based checks.

Cena goes after Heyman, but Sabu comes from behind with a chair. He takes off the top off the announce table and uses a monitor to club Cena onto the table. Sabu jump onto the middle of the top rope, hold there then springs into the leg drop through the table on Cena. King and JR asks "John" is he’s alright as the crowd rallies for Cena and Sabu and pals escape. According to JR, Sabu is HOMOcide. Cena drags himself up to standing to big pops as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Some movies don’t belong on the screen. Ever.

Back to the show. They replay what just happened and Snitsky is in the ring. Lillian introduces Orton and Snitsky for us to get started.

Randy Orton vs. Gene Snitsky

Orton gains the early advantage and switches to his patented headlocks of death. Snitsky finally powers out and hits clotheslines and a big side slam into a retarded little dance. He wiggles his ass in a four point stance (my MIND!) and charges Orton out of it. Orton takes a beating in the corner and Snitsky attempts the Coat Hanger, but the RKO comes from nowhere after an escape for Orton to claim victory. For some reason the crowd was behind him the whole way.
Winner: Orton

Special Match "Fact": The "ECW Dream Match" consists entirely of four men who were on WWE television all the time already. Welcome to the Alliance.

Orton cuts a promo on ECW and Angle after the match by cutting off King as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I AM the bowflex.

Back to the show. Carlito says he was laughing about what ECW did tonight and it was funny. Apparently Coach heard him and made this match a handicap match. Nitro is out. Shelton is out next.

Nitro starts off with Carlito but after a brief assault, Shelton tells him to step out because he’s slipping and tags in. Carlito takes Shelton down quick, but Benjamin recovers out of the corner until he eats a running knee lift and a clothesline. Carlito picks up two. Shelton tags out to Nitro, but Carlito manages a rollup on him with the tights for two. Nitro rolls through and also grabs the tights (which is suddenly noticed now by JR) to pick up three instead.
Winner: Nitro

Special Match "Fact": Nitro somehow found fame and fortune in the short interim between being fired by Bischoff and appearing on Smackdown. Trading in yutzy shirts for Fur.

Shelton gets attacked form behind by Shelton afterward and tries to fight back, but Carlito gets the Apple Jack in before leaving for commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Rice Cripsies are ironically usually very soggy.

Back to the show. Coach enters the office to find embarrassing photos of Vince up with a mustache drawn on the Muscle and fitness one. Graffiti is all over. He turns to find DX and they mock him for a bit, I wasn’t really paying attention actually. We go to the back with Maria interviewing Eugene. he talks about how pretty she was in her knickers (heh, I said knickers). He talks about Umaga and Hacksaw, but Rob Conway comes over to say Hacksaw isn’t going anywhere but HOOOOOOme. Eugene tackles him and Tards out. We go to ringside for the pimping of the Vengeance card and a replay of Cena. We go back to the back where DX is around Coach on the couch saying the PPV looks awesome. Hunter keeps asking if he’ll buy it. They eventually end up chucking Coach’s head through the wall and pantsing him. For the THIRD WEEK IN A ROW I have to see a BARE ASS. As Coach is wearing a thong. They spray paint his ass as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Lite: The new way to spell light. Now with 30% fewer letters.

Back to the show with another Scottish Men in Furs segment. They are unable to understand how to use the mechanical key cards in hotel room (American Castle) they eventually break the door down and put it back. They go to Adult Titles on the TV because they are Adults...They love America.

Foley is at ringside for Flair/Edge.

Ric Flair vs. Edge w/Lita

Flair takes early advantage, slapping Edge around like a little girl. Edge goes to the floor and Flair follows him out as Foley tells us that he could say whatever he wants to about Vince because he is Mick Foley and Flair can’t do that. Flair brings Edge back into the ring, chopping the hell out of him until he takes Edge down with a Figure Four attempt. Edge kicks him off and right into Foley on the apron as Lita distracts the ref. Foley uses Socko and the mandible claw on Flair allowing a spear from Edge for the win.
Winner: Edge

Special Match "Fact": Is Edge sharp or blunt? they never really explain that. And further more: Spears attack with the tip, not the edge. What the hell?

RVD comes out and baseballs slides Foley then Fivestars Edge after the match. We get a backstage bit of the Squad getting the whole locker room together against DX as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Commercials are slowly consuming your mind. Buy more beer.

Back to the show. They do a classic DX entrance, music and all with the interspersed entrance video as they enter. Hunter grabs the mic and asks if we are ready. And if he adds "To Rumble" to the end of that he’s paying out some huge ass royalties. He does skip the "To Rumble" but goes to the next line of "For the thousands in attendance and the millions watching" And tells us to get ready to suck it. No thanks, I already had something to drink. Shawn grabs the mic while DX chants go on. Shawn and Hunter move on to the subject of Stephanie and Hunter says whoever was that fathered the child had to be one hell of a stud and hung like a....Shawn cuts him off to smoothly segue into a PPV plug. They shill the show then move on to the Squad. He says he’s never been a cheerleader but knows what they are thinking. They have the Squad come down, but it’s just a bunch of misshapen midgets. The midget takes a "superkick" from Hunter.

Hunter then brings out his own version of cheerleaders, several hot babes. They get played in by the same theme. They do a DX cheer and reveal their bras to have DX on them. The squad interrupts them from removing the bras, but lose their backup along the way and get their asses handed to them quite quickly with finishers galor. We then have to see BARE MIDGET ASSES....TWICE that have Suck It written on the cheeks as we go off the air. God...my brain...

Highlight of the Night: Nothing. I mean there were ZERO in depth matches tonight and none of the segments were even remotely entertaining beyond the Highlanders which would be way better if they spent their entire time in America beheading other men.

Lowlight of the Night: MIDGET ASSES. COACH’S ASS. Need I say more?

Eugene Award: Eugene takes it himself for the weirdest roar of anger I’ve ever seen in my life. What the fuck was that? He looked like he was having electroshock therapy.

In case you haven't been paying attention, you gotta head over to the main page for all the new article including new stuff from Sean and a brand new writer here at the site. Be there or be killed. Seriously...we know where you live....yeah you, in the PJs with the beer.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (06/26/06) By Cameron Burge

And now for something completely different.

What in the blue hell is with Megaman villians? I mean, what the fuck was Dr. Wily thinking with some of these names? Sure, Geminiman and Shadowman sounded badass, but by the time Megamans 6, 7 and 8 were rolling around we have Bubble Man, Drillman (Oh, there aren’t any gay joke in THAT) and my personal favorite Beastman (The other minions of Skelator’s army were sadly unable to attend). So I ask of you, why?

Raw 06.26.06

The show opens with theme and enough pyro to probably be classified as a terrorist attack. Speaking of terrorists, there some troops here as JR pimps the card for us. Trish is on her way out for a title match and...DAMNIT Lillian! I need both hands you bitch! Go change! Mickie is next and it’s time to knock knockers or whatever.

Women’s Champion Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus (Women’s Title Match)

Mickie misses the first shot and goes for the shoulder, but Trish gets a headlock and sends her chest first into the turnbuckle (good thing she has air bags) Trish pick up two on a rollup. Clotheslines and a spinebuster get another two for Trish and Mickie runs into a right forearm shot and a headscissor for another two. Mickie finally gets some offense in with a kick to the face and a two count. Mickie works the shoulder and wraps it around the ropes which earns so many catcalls I can tell half the arena is filled with virgins. Mickie hits the Double D DDT after a few more shot and gets the clean pin.
Winner: Mickie

Special Match "Fact": There are no losers in women's wrestling these days. Unless you’re one of those crazy people likes wrestling on a wrestling program.

After the match Melina and Nitro’s music hit and here’s out new Intercontinental Champion. Melina makes the greatest entrance ever and Nitro makes the gayest version of Edge’s entrance ever. Melina comes in trash talking her comeback match and saying she is no longer the top Diva (hey, maybe she is submissive?). Melina introduces Johnny as the only man with singles gold and threatens Trish to leave or be thrown out. Trish attacks Melina, but Nitro gets her from behind, however Carlito makes the save and whips some ass as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Genital Herpes, what’s the point of this commercial? To say Genital Herpes the most number of times any normal person ever need to here in a minute and a half stretch of time?

Back to the show where Trish is asking why Carlito helped. He says he had his own reasons to kick Nitro’s ass and she’s like "okay" and he’s like "okay" and then Trish is all like "Hey, you want a Cleveland Steamer?" Okay, maybe not that last part, but she whispers something in his ear and he gets a goofy enough grin though as she leaves and says, "Now, that’s cool."

They replay the DX story in a video package complete with asses and all before we go to the Spirit Squad all pissed in the back with Shane. He tells them they are gonna be spectators tonight when he and Vince take DX down. They pimp the match again as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Never bead a Barbarian’s hair, bitch.

Back to the show where they show the troops then interviews with fans over who will win between Cena and RVD (COUCHmarksCOUGH). They rerun Umaga vs the legends and Eugene. Kamala interrupts Estrada after he introduces himself and I though that thumping sound in his music was just his flab bouncing up and down.

Umaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrada vs. Kamala w/ Kimche & no extra letters, but plenty of extra weight

Umaga has that look on his face like "I don’t want to wrestle him, he feels like a cold turkey. Kamala blocks the first few shots and counters them himself, pounding his chest. Umaga then delivers a shot to the neck and Kamala walks around like he’s having an epileptic seizure. Umaga scoop slams him then attacks Kimche. Kimche takes the Ass Crash and Umaga delivers a middle rope headbutt to Kamala and the Samoan Spike. Kamala wiggles his legs during the pin, but he actually kicked them only once, the rest was just subliminal motion running through the lard.
Winner: Umaga

Special Match "Fact": One fat man crushed another fat man. That’s all you need to know.

Oh GOD the Diva Search starts tonight and I may well stab myself in the brain now. The Miz and Ashley were the judges. I was kind of interested in the Tokyo Nunchaku Chick but Vince obviously has a hatin’ out for the Yellow Fever so we won’t bother to look for her. Anyway this year had even bigger tits and even faker chicks than last year! Oh boy!

Random Commercial Thought: Midget mob babies a good movie does not make.

Back to the show. Torrie is introduced by Tard so they can talk about the magazine. Wanna talk about something else? Tard gives the gayest scream ever when he unveils her cover and I’m surprised he didn’t say "Fabulous!" afterward. Edge interrupts and kicks them out then tosses the cover over. Edge says he should be on magazines (he wants to be in a bikini?) and he should be champion and blah blah blah. There’s this drunk bitch you can here squawking through the whole things. He says if he doesn’t get a rematch then he and Lita will get the hell off this show. Everyone seems to be good with that and he says "Screw you! We’re out of here." Well, I’m good with that. THANK YOU GOD! Jesus, I would kiss you if we both weren’t gay.

Edge demands all his shirts back from the vendor and storms out of the building. NOT THE SHIRTS! Whatever shall I mop up after dirty sex with now? Commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: In Soviet Russia, show sneak peaks you.

Back to the show, they show stills of Cena/Sabu. Cena is interviewed by Maria in the back. He says he could do lots of things like interrupt Torrie call everyone a joke and get so mad and leave with a stack of T-shirts that smell like fart juice (the fuck?). He talks about taking a singapore cane to his forehead (SHINAI! FUCKING SHINAI!). After he talks about his match we get a team we haven’t seen in a while in VV Disiease. They tell us that tonight we’ll see BROOKE HOGAN’S new music video. God, why does Vince hate me so much.

VV Disease vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch

Val starts with Cade and takes an early bitchslap, but slide through an Irish whip to chop Cade out. Murdoch tries to run in and gets knocked back for his trouble. Murdoch makes the blind tag and comes in to club Val proper this time. Haas is on his way to the ring while Val gets double teamed in the corner by Cade and Murdoch. He comes over to talk to Lillian while Val gets a double stomping. Cade chokes Val out in the corner and Vince finally sees Charlie so he leaves ringside. Haas backs down and Viscera goes back to tag in. Viscera clotheslines the hell out of both men and hits dual scoop slams. He sandwiches Cade and Murdoch in the corner for a big charge while Haas gropes Lillian. She gets all pissed of course (can you blame her? It looks like he hasn’t showered in weeks). Charlie grabs Lillian then makes out with her to distract Viscera for Cade and Murdoch to pick up the win with the clothesline, leg sweep combo.
Winners: Cade & Murdoch

Special Match "Fact": Their first tag match in months on Raw, it’s nice to see that though Cade has apparently become homeless, he’s still got it.

They run Brooke’s new music video "About Us" and uh...Brooke, you’re not black and you don’t have a "grill" (Gersh: Yeah she does...George Foreman.) King talks about how much he enjoyed the video and apparently Randy did too (hide your gym bag, Brooke!) as he’s watching in the back. They make a short clip of the McMahons getting ready (with a bat) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: You need a CONDUCTING PLATE to clean?!

Back to the show. Vince’s theme plays but it’s Hunter dressed as Vince complete with Muppet walk. He’s actually got the mannerisms down pretty well as well as the voice. Triple H switches to his real voice to say he’s going to ramble incoherently for absolutely no reason (so he’s just gonna do what he always does?). He does just that, talking about what all Vince has had done to him. He talks about the "I love cocks" and says all the people he loves named Dick so he can say he loves Dicks. He tries to fire people then Shane’s music hits for Shawn to come out. Shawn does the Shane dance looking like Stewart from Mad TV. he then talks about how he wants Vince to die so he can get the money. Hunter says he’s leaving it all to Stephanie and whoever knocked her up. (This is sadly true) Anyway, this goes far past the point where people were laughing.

Hunter challenges Shawn to a dance off and they play the video of Vince singing Stand Back with the old Wrestling band! Oh my GOD. Hunter does his own groovy disco in the ring. Hogan was on Guitar with his sleeveless suit. God the memories. Finally the video gets cut off by Vince’s theme. He and Shane come out in ring gear with their bat looking pissed. They invite the Spirit Squad to observe them. Vince asks what the hell these things are off to the side and they get cannoned with shit. one of the Squad members actually rubs it into himself for some reason. This would be gay if the crowd didn’t give a "Holy Shit" chant. The crowd says "Holy Shit" instead of Suck It for Hunter in the end as we go to commercial. I’m not sure which is worse, the fact they were covered in shit or that they then sat there and rolled in it this whole time.

Random Commercial Thought: Uh, I wasn’t looking, sue me.

WWE Unlimited: Vince wallows in more shit. (Gersh: You know what I think that was Eddie Guerrero shitting on Vince for the horrible stuff they've done to exploit his death.)

As we come back they run stills of Flair/Foley. Flair interviews from his "home" that suspiciously looks and sounds like a set. Flair rants about Foley like the old man he is, and Rob is warming up in the back with Heyman telling him how risky this match is. Rob finally tells him to relax and puts on his belts as we get a pimp for Kane/Orton.

Random Commercial Thought: Subway kills!

Back to the show. Kane be on the way! Whee! Orton is next of course and here we go. Ring around the rosey, pocket full of posies...oh wait.

Kane vs. Randy Orton

Kane takes Orton down with a stiff shot, but a drop kick to the...ankle? gets Orton a chance to attacks Kane on the ground, but when he comes off the ropes he runs into a chokeslam attempt. Kane’s eyes get raked and a dropkick earns two for Orton. Orton gets crushed with a big boot and a clothesline charge in the corner almost crumples him. Orton hits a reverse elbow on the second, but Kane’s sidewalk slam leads to the big red machine going up top. Orton eats the sloppy ass clothesline and Kane sets up for the chokeslam. Imposter Kane’s music hits. Kane comes out and beats Masked Kane down on the outside. He tries to tombstone, Orton, but he escapes only to get caught for a chokeslam. Fake Kane interferes and RKO takes Kane down for three.
Winner: Orton

Special Match "Fact": "I’m Randy Orton! Graaaarrr! I’m gonna wrestle Hogan at Mania! Fear my headlocks!"

Kane beats his false counterpart down with Chokeslams and it tries to make a hasty retreat up the ramp on his ass. The crowd roots for Kane to unmask him. Kane Chokeslams him on the steel ramp and leaves him lying there. Kane comes back suddenly and drags him away by the arms into the shadows! Commercial before our next EXCITING installment...

Random Commercial Thought: Gametap...wouldn’t that be like, Tapping that Ass...but with Games?

Back to the show. Kane has fake Kane in the back and rips his mask off away from the camera to reveal the wig attached to it still. The man is bald, but we don’t see his face as he gets thrown through the exit doors after Kane says the mask is his. They show the eight finalists. They then run a recap of how Edge cost Cena the belt and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Look out for the commercials, they’re made of asbestos.

We come back to a Highlanders segment of Robbie trying out the urinals as a shitter the poo jokes just keep coming. They’ll be here next week. We go to ringside for Rob Van Dam and a completely lackadaisical reaction. Lillian waits until both men are in the ring to introduce them. RVD gets boos.

WWE & ECW World Champion Rob Van Dam vs. John Cena (WWE Title Match)

The match starts off quick and Cena gets a flying headlock for two. Rob gets to the corner and nails Cena right in the jaw, sending him down. Rob hops up top, but Cena shoves him off to faceplant on the railing as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh no! I’ve been Psyched!

Cena has RVD in a headlock and the crowd is actually chanting "Tap" at him. RVD escapes and counters a back body drop with kicks to send Cena to the apron. Rob takes Cena and attempts to drive his head into the turnbuckle, but Cena block and does it to Rob instead. Cena goes up top, but Rob punches and kicks him off to the floor. Rob senton somersaults onto Cena on the outside. They get back in and Cena gets a two count on Rob to big pops. Cena eats a corkscrew leg drop for two as well, but no pop there. RVD fetches a chair and Rob argues with the ref. Rob turns and eats a clothesline. Cena goes to his usual assault finishing with the Protobomb. Rob eats a five knuckle shuffle and Cena sets up for the FU. Rob counter and blocks a kick from Cena to hit a step over heel kick. The ref has to check them both after Rob lands awkward.

They both recover and Cena tries to build momentum again, but RVD shuts him down with a kick. Cena eats a huge German suplex from Rob that Rob bridges for two. Powerslam sets up for the split legged moonsault that still only gets two. JR says we don’t see many kick out of that, but I’ve never seen ANYONE get pinned by it. Cena reverses Rob into a powerslam for two (that was just a transition move for Rob a second ago...) Cena takes a kick on the top rope to set up for the Five Star. Cena roll away so Rob goes for Rolling thunder. Cena gets the knees up and hits the FU and the locks on the STFU in the center of the ring. Suddenly Edge saves us all! Edge Implant DDTs Cena then Spears RVD.
Winner: No-Contest?

Special Match "Fact": And lo did the IWC rejoice and raise Edge high atop a pedestal...only to push him off it with a rope around his neck, for he too was hated by their wrath.

Edge says he’ll see RVD tomorrow before storming off as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Cena doesn’t pin RVD. I’ve never been so happy to see Edge in my life.

Lowlight of the Night: Vince wallows in feces for a full ten minutes. Yippee.

Eugene Award: Probably the winner for the next two months: The Diva Search. Duh! But an even better Eugene Award goes to Law & Order for researching so much law they can be flawless, yet not enough wrestling to apparently not even know that the Airplane Spin is not called the Flying Helicopter.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).