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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (July 2008)

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WWE RAW RANT: (07/07/08) By Cameron Burge

So I was looking through the roster of Raw and just browsing the first few lines. Welcome to Raw where you can see such hot superstars as Ashley, Charlie HOSS, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Chuck Palumbo, Deuce….my God, we’re in trouble. So I’m watching this episode of Law and Order and this girl has huge tits. I mean, like she stuffed two midgets in her sweater shaking around an this is supposed to be a high school girl. If girls were looking like this when I was in high school I wouldn’t have passed a single class. Not a hope in the world.

Raw 07.07.08

Show opens with a recap of Punk getting a major belt for once (Let’s face it ECW title is equivalent to The Diva’s Championship. In fact, it needs to be covered in butterflies too) and then defending it against JBL. We then go to a special message from Rosie O’donnel…..or wait it’s Stephanie McMahon. She begs us all to get along again as no one listened to Shane. The lights are off in the arena for no reason before we hear….oh God it’s Vickie Guerrero. The lights come on to show her ugly pig face in the ring. Why must I be tortured so? She says she is here to protest Punk becoming world champion. She is missing the two things needed to perform a real protest, working legs for marching. Does anyone remember why she’s in a wheelchair anyway? She demands Punk relinquish the belt to her.

Punk comes out with his belt and terrible t-shirt that makes him look more like a homeless loser than he did already. He rubs it in her face. Actually he just puts it really close. I would have laughed out loud if he actually mashed it into her face. WWE’s headline for last week was Edge got Punk’d which makes me think Punk just ran into the ring and kicked him in the nuts when nobody expected it. She says he stole the title and Edge is having a nervous breakdown because of him. Punk says she will be hard pressed to get sympathy about it. Mostly because I think she’s ugly and nobody has sympathy for the ugly. He says he did the both of them a favor (just think of the horrid looking children AHG). Punk says as far as Edge is concerned, what goes around comes around in his philosophy (unless it’s a glass of alcohol?).

Punk says someone else will pretend to love her to get in a position of power. Young up and comers like the great Khali. Oh God. She crawls out of her chair to bitchslap him then sits back down. You gonna take that from a wheelchair bound bitch? He tells her she bought a one way ticket back to Smackdown and she quite kindly undoes the wheel breaks so she can be wheeled to the corner (what he planned to do when he got there is another guess). JBL interrupts to say it’s the end of Punk’s title reign. JBL challenges him again and says if Vince were here he would agree. Punk points out Vince isn’t here and actually says BRADSHAW lost. Oh snap it’s on now. JBL says he didn’t lose, the illegal interference saved him. CALL FOR BLACKUP.

Ah there it is, it’s John Cena. Cena says that JBL is medically sick with the “If it wasn’t fors”. No Johns, JBL. Cena points out no one is in charge and manages to fit in two crap jokes in two minutes. He’s working fast tonight I guess. Cena points out there are two of them there to figure out that there needs to either be a Rock Paper Scissors tournament or they face each other to take on Punk at the Great American Bash….NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS: Lou Albano Mario!…oh no wait it’s Batista. Close enough. Nope, no roids here folks. Batista says he has a few things to do and first says Punk deserves his belt before talking to Vickie who magically got to ringside in her chair. He says he forgives her and feels sorry before saying he lied and tells her to roll her ass back to Smackdown. The third thing is he wants a title shot because he weakened Edge first. JBL says nobody cares what he thinks.

Batista says the only thing he will see is his fist in his face if he cuts him again. John stills the tension and says they do fatal three way. What has John done recently for a shot anyway? You know, besides lose? JBL refuses and says he demands a one on one so Cena says I he doesn’t want in they won’t give him a shot at all (well I’ll just take my ball and go home!). He says he’s okay but if they gang up on him…Kane is here? At least he has a better reason to be a challenger I guess. Kane want in too. Kane smash. Punk says Fatal Fourway sounds good. And then…we’re interrupted by Ron Simmons! Damn! Five-way death match?

Okay that last part didn’t happen. Pimping for Santino/Rey (lolwut?) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Hellboy is a Hellman. He must hang out with Shawn Michaels a lot.

Back to the show where Reyrey is here. I miss when he leapt out of the stage randomly. Laughing now at the ridiculous accent Lillian develops to say his name. Cole says Rey has butterflies. He’s going to put them on a belt? King pauses awkwardly a long time again.

Santino Morella vs. Rey Mysterio

Santino flexes and shoves Rey who pokes him in the eyes before performing a head scissors. Rey is looking way out of shape. Santino catches him in the corner and slams Rey down, dropping a kick and an elbow in the gut for two one counts which is equivalent to one two count for those of you bad at math. Camel Clutch now. Hey there are no camels in Italy. Mysterio slips out into a 619 setup but is clotheslined when he comes for the run. Santino gets two and Mysterio delivers kicks now all over the place before shoving Santino down and delivering a big stomp the midsection for two. This is a slow paced Mysterio match. Springboard senton from the apron. Now we get a 619 delivered…very badly before a top rope non-frog splash for the win.
Winner: Mysterio

Random Commercial Thought: WWE Kids Magazine hurt my sole by inventing the new word “Superstariffic”. Wow. Just wow.

Back to the show. Did you know Raw is watched by more people on cable than hockey, basketball and baseball? Did you care? Punk is interviewed in the back about who he would like to talk about. Punk is talking when suddenly a big light falls in front of him. Some guy calls someone an idiot as Punk and Tard look confused. Eventually Snitsky bitches about how he never got a title shot for coming to Raw and so Punk challenges him. Why you would want to have a stare down with those teeth is beyond anyone’s guess. Elsewhere, Mickie introduces John to Kelly Kelly who doesn’t know Divas have contracts. Whatever.

Random Commercial Thought: Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen!

Back to the show…I hope. Seems the channel shut down for a bit there. Why is Kelly Squared even here? Uhg. Anyway Kelly interrupts Jillian who was singing Oops I did it again. Jillian is looking really nice actually. I assume the other chick is Layla who I haven’t ever cared about either.

Jillian Hall & Layla vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James & Kelly Squared

Jillian gets a good head scissors on the ground on Mickie. Mickie powers back with running dropkicks and knocks Layla from the apron. Spinning kick to the midsection leads to a tag for Layla who sunset flips for two. Kelly delivers a retarded looking head scissors and Jillian keeps screaming in a ridiculous manner. Hurricanrana gets two for Kelly before she is dumped over the ropes but she hangs on only to be shoves down by Layla. Jillian attacks on the ground. This match looks more like some kind of fetish scene from Blondage with the outfit Kelly is wearing. Hair toss gets two for Jillian who freaks out and rams her head into the mat repeatedly. Big bow and arrow stretch. Kelly fights loose and Jillian goes to deliver a handspring elbow in the corner, but Kelly jumps into the victory roll for the…victory.
Winners: Mickie & Jillian

Layla did nothing. Way to go! JBL is already coming out as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: who is Jason Bourne and why do I still not care?

JBL is walking around the limo because he didn’t drive out in it apparently. He’s trying to figure out who is in there (niggah stole my bike!). They have to mute this guy right there who keeps saying “Fuck you” at the top of his lungs so the sound comes out awkwardly. Cena gets out to talk to him on a microphone. That guy is now cussing freely while Cena talks. Cena says the limo won’t pass inspection but he got help. Cryme Tyme get out of the limo with bats. A segment then continues where they destroy the limo piece by piece and then custom paint it with spray paint…..he painted JBL is Poopy on it. Come on man….

After all that for some reason we need another replay of why Punk is champion. Punk then comes out as it seems the announcers completely lied about what match was next. They need to get on the ball.

Random Commercial Thought: MGS4 - Worst. Writing. Ever.

Back to the show. Henry is the savoir of ECW. OMG Jesus was black?!

World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk vs. Snitsky (Non-title Match)

Punk gets stomps around into the corner by the Big Bald Wonder. Punk tries to fight back with little success and takes a scoop slam into elbow drop. Man, the way he lifts his arm for those elbows makes it look like he’s attacking with his arm pit odor instead. Bear hug! Never try to hug a bear….or defeat one with a six inch gopher moat. Punk fights back with kicks and elbows now, sliding between the legs and pooping up into a big enziguiri. Punk goes up top for a flying forearm. Pepsi One in the corner and Punk delivers a bad looking GTS because Snitsky just sort of lands on his feet, forcing Punk to bring the knee up to him instead.
Winner: Punk

Random Commercial thought: This guy selling cars sounds like he has Alzheimer’s.

Back to the show. Video package of Shawn and Jericho before HBK comes out. I’m surprised he just hasn’t gone ahead and painted a bull’s-eye on his eye at this point. He has two words for Jericho: “I do.” Come on, you knew he was gay. Actually, it’s ”I accept” to the challenge from last week. Jericho and Cade are out now. Jericho gives a long speech that I mostly didn’t listen to before saying like everyone other martyr, Shawn will be swept under the carpet….you know like that Jesus fellow nobody has heard of. Shawn says the real reason Chris is upset is because he’ll be more remembered than him. I kind of spaced out again as these promos were just same old crap as usual. It all leads us to a commercial though.

Random Commercial Thought: This guy’s only myspace friend in the commercial is the default guy you always get.

Back to the show where CHARLIE HAAS is here?! He is wrestling Kofi.

Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Charlie Haas (Non-title Match)

Kofi springs around a bit but eats a bunch of hard shots and Charlie chokes him out on the middle rope, growling like an ape for some reason. Haas delivers a running hammer to the back and kicks Kofi in the face. Knees to the face follow into a headlock take over ad a hard series of kicks on the ground for two. Damn, when did he forget all those suplexes and decide it was better to just kick guys a lot? Side headlock. Kofi comes back out of nowhere and delivers his shuffle double leg drop. Back in the corner Haas attempts a power bomb but Kofi comes back with that step over Round House he calls Trouble in Paradise for the win.
Winner: Kofi

Kofi hasn’t looked like enough of a chump lately so they have Paul Burchill give him a Samoan drop and the curb stomp after the match. Elsewhere in the back Batista is warming up when suddenly a kid pops into screen doing his entrance taunt and is chased away by security. Another awkward laugh from everyone and a look of confusion as we go to commercial. Is it just me or has this shit been happening a lot recently?

Random Commercial Thought: Jigglypuff is a Snake counter.

Back to the show where Batista comes out to do his entrance dance himself. JBL is next who doesn’t ride in his busted up limo. Kane comes out and kindly doesn’t light it on fire at least. Cena is last and is immediately attacked by JBL.

John Cena vs. Batista vs. JBL vs. Kane (Fatal Fourway #1 Contender’s Match)

Cena is still in his t-shirt as everyone splits up only for Kane to leave Batista and attack Cena as JBL eats it from Batista and we are off to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Is that guy always randomly in ponds?

Back to the show. Kane is choking Cena out while Batista and BL brawl. Hoss-o-rama 2008! Kane delivers a short uppercut to Cena and kicks him into the corner. It’s a little known fact that the reason everyone moves slower in Fatal Fourway matches is because it’s against the rules and they would be DQed otherwise. Batista spine busters JBL but only gets one when Kane drags hi up into a choke slam. Cena comes at Kane, but gets choked, only to escape into an FU attempt. JBL kicks Cena in the face and Kane and JBL kick each other in the face at the same time in an awkward moment. Everyone is down so I think the ref should start a standing ten count but he doesn’t. JBL and Cena up now and Cena into his general offense on all three. Clothesline on JBL, throwback on Kane and FU on Batista, but JBL shoves him off at two as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Damn, I sure would have actually liked to get to see this match.

I spent the break listening to the pokemon theme. Don’t ask. Cena is ready for Five knuckle shuffle on JBL while Kane just casually clothesline him out of it. Batista up now while Cena and JBL conveniently chill on the floor. Batista crushes Kane in the corner and catches JBL in the face with a right before going back to Kane. Cena tries his luck and runs into a spine buster. Batista attacks the ropes then for some reason and turns into the clothesline from hell. Cena goes to the STFU on JBL and Kane grabs him by the throat, dragging Cena up into the choke slam before snagging JBL as well. They break loose and double shoulder block before going back to town on each other.

The fight spills to the floor before Cena just decides to go run into the steps. Batista tries a Batista bomb but Kane rams him into the corner and sends him shoulder-first into the ring post. JBL gets the stairs while the ref seems pissed with this whole development. Cena takes the steps in the face. Silly Cena, Steps are for feet, not faces. Kane uppercuts JBL across the outside and over the ring barricade. Back in the ring, King calls this a no DQ match. Kane flies from the top but Batista ducks and delivers a spear for the win.
Winner: Batista

Oh yeah, I forgot he has that Konami code unlocked. Kane is in the ring and looks pissed, freaking right the fuck out. I think he’s going to cry. Somebody call the WAAAAAAAmbulance. Kane destroys the steps and screams at the announcers, asking if “he’s alive or dead” (Jesus?…yeah he’s come up a lot tonight) before leveling the time keeper. He then chases off Lillian and tosses some random stage hand away. Kane’s getting a nice gut there. He asks the announcers a third time and grabs Cole before the crowd cheers for that. He then shoves Cole into the ring. OH no! It’s Heidenreich all over again! He screams that he doesn’t know. He eventually is about to get a choke slam when King chop blocks Kane from behind. He starts to help Cole out but Kane attacks from behind and beats him into the mat. Kane then casually walks off.

Highlight of the Night: I’m sure the main event was good…even if I didn’t get to see most of it for retarded commercial breaks.

Lowlight of the Night: Rey and Santino was slow and terrible for a Mysterio match.

WWE “Creative” Award: Kane goes nuts….again. Oh how original.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 

Welcome back to the show where continuity is never an issue. The preview for tonight’s show called Kane’s meltdown unpredictable. You know, despite him doing this on a regular basis for the last several years. I’m beginning to worry that with all the success off of these summer blockbusters reigniting old comic book hero and movie franchises, the WWE might jump on the bandwagon. No Holds Barred 2 coming in 2009? God help us all at the resurgence of Hogan’s sweaty ass crack.

Raw 07.14.08

Show opens with a recap of last week’s Four way match, ending with Kane destroying our “beloved” announce team. Speaking of how fucked up Kane is, he has a weird looking belly button. It looks like his stomach is trying to birth a marble or something. My only complaint about last week’s ending is that Kane didn’t off Cole by shoving a cell phone down his throat. I want to know how much this guy got paid to sit down with a copy of Adobe After Effects and add as many filters as possible to this footage. We then go to Stephanie and Shane who are pissed that no one has listened to them, but they have been unable to attend Raw recently, but if nobody listens, some shit will go down next week. This speech feels like some kind of infomercial…

And the funniest thing ever is we cut from this DIRECTLY into Shawn Michaels and Jericho kicking each others ass at ringside. Yeah, that speech worked well. Cade comes to the rescue and the refs have to drag them all away before the announcers are interrupted by Kane. Cole shits his pants. Kane is bringing a sack with him, and something tells me this isn’t a bag of goodies foretelling his return to being The Christmas Creature. Cole hides behind King while Kane stares them down before once again running off Lillian and crew who get the fuck out of dodge this time. He breathes really hard and leans over the table before….apologizing. Aw, that’s cute. We then cut to the back for Michaels, Cade and Jericho still flailing about on the ground. This is…awkward.

Back to ringside for Mickie James who didn’t have to fuck the Undertaker to get her title. Katie Lea is here for a rematch.

Katie Lea w/ Paul Burchill vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James (Non-title Match)

Katie goes to a sloppy full nelson which Mickie reverses into a backslide for two. Mickie uses a front flip to pick up a second two count before Katie tries to rally back…by running into an elbow. Katie reverses a head scissors and levels Mickie on the apron. Hair dragging ensues which reminds me of the Hills Have Eyes for some reason. I think I’d rather be watching that. Lame looking chinlock from Katie. Mickie punches her way free, but Katie uses an odd headlock take down to get two. Katie proceeds to shove Mickie into her cleavage in hopes of suffocating her I guess. Mickie fights free but is set up top where she counters and tries a tornado DDT. Katie escapes and gets caught by the head scissors instead. Mickie up top now with that Lou Thesz Press that still looks as stupid as ever for the win.
Winner: Mickie

Post match, Paul holds Mickie for some bitchslapping when…Kofi Kingston arrives, his pants falling right the fuck off in the process. Haha! Nothing can contain the Jamaican…even his clothes. I thought Mickie was already getting Cena’s black dick…what do you mean he’s not black? Kofi sheds his shirt too and calls Paul out who starts to return to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the hell is his movie’s theme Paper Planes?

Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston w/ Mickie James vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea (Intercontinental Championship Match)

Kofi is delivering a double leapfrog into a back elbow and tackle Burchill in the corner. Roll up by Kingston picks up two before he decides to stick with his style…and put on an arm bar? Kingston picks up another two count and goes back to the arm bar. Yawn. Burchill knocks Kingston down with a shoulder block but runs right into a dropkick before Kingston goes right back to working the arm. Kingston tries to leap frog in the corner when Burchill rallies, but Paul catches him and drops Kingston right onto his foot. Ouch. Two count for Burchill.

Burchill goes to a waist lock, which just ends up making this looks like some kind of weird fetish porn. Kingston elbows out but is face planted for his trouble and Burchill starts to senton onto the gut for two. Back to the waist lock. Burchill runs into a knee to the jaw in the corner and Kingston now with rights and kicks. Kingston unleashes some quick offense and a back-flipping Russian Leg Sweep. Jamaican leg sweep? Shuffle leg drop as Mickie takes out a Katie Lea and Trouble in Paradise locks it up.
Winner: Kofi

Mickie hugs Kofi and secures his chance to Jamaican her world rock.

They declare the leg drop to be the “Thunderclap” since the “Thundersyphilis” was already taken I suppose. Santino is talking to Matt Striker and says he made an open invitation to the entire roster to fight him. Someone is dead meat….behind him is Kane. He wants to know where Punk is. Santino tells him to try the Pepsi machine (AHAHAHA, or maybe the G.I. Joe aisle). He finally directs him to the locker room.

Random Commercial Thought: Well, requesting someone to fill up your car when they want it, is a good way to make them stop I guess.

Back to the show. Kane is still carrying around his Happy Sack and says even though he partnered with Punk, he wants a one on one match tonight. He says he needs this, and with the way he’s shaking I’m beginning to think he may have contracted Punk’s addiction to competition and is having the shakes. Punk says he needs to prove he’s the real deal so he’s on, but when asking about the bag, Kane just chuckles and leaves. We cut to Cena who gives a long promo about accepting JBL’s challenge for a parking lot brawl at the GAB. It mostly involves kicking his ass as you can probably figure it out from most of Cena’s promos. Cena says he has a challenge of his own because he and Cryme Tyme want to meet him for a six man tag team match. He claims they hate JBL as much as him which begs the question of why? Don’t trust Whitey?

Random Commercial Thought: Guitar Hero is getting out of hand.

Back to the show where Santino is waiting for someone to accept his challenge and whoever it is going to be “Deaf Meat”. I assume they will be processed in a kosher style minus their ears. Beth Phoenix accepts as she grabs Chyna’s penis on the way down the aisle for this match.

Santino Morella vs. Beth Phoenix

Beth matches the tie up with Santino. They flex at each other and Santino delivers a slap, but steps back from all of hers before tripping her up. Beth reverses it and he stops her punches with a gentle caress…which gets him punched. Santino works up into a headlock, claiming he has the power (of Greyskull?). Beth hoists him up for an atomic drop and Santino rallies back with screams of being a man. She dodges in the corner and rolls him up for three.
Winner: Phoenix

Santino runs away from her after being pissed off for a bit. Elsewhere, we see Kelly getting ready for her match….three women’s matches in one night? What the hell is going on here? Show needs more testosterone.

Random Commercial Thought: You should never trust Kevin Spacey, he’s Kaiser!

Back to the show. Wow, the GAB theme is terrible. Who picks these songs anyway? Yoko Ono? Kelly Kelly is here to let us know that golden chaps are always in season. Instead of an opponent we get the tag team champions. Ted says they don’t care she has a match and tells her to leave…why thank you, Ted. Thank you very much. Cody says they are better than their fathers in becoming Tag Team Champions so fast….despite not beating anyone of note. Ted says they are the future but here comes a “HOOOOOOO.” Hacksaw, you’re late, Kelly already left. He says he’d known them since they were kids and has wrestled in the same ring as their fathers who are old school like him (D-did Hacksaw say old school?). He says they were respected (well, at least Rhodes and Dibiase were anyway). He says they still have a lot of growing up to do as people. Cody says a 54 year old man in gym shorts shouldn’t be saying that, one who’s trying to relive glory days that
he never even had. Ouch. Ted says it makes him think about something Stone Cold says, which was unless you think you have what it takes to become a champion, then you shouldn’t even be in the WWE. I’m pretty sure he didn’t say WWE. Ted says he doesn’t have what it takes and claims it is the same 25 year old 2x4, which isn’t true, that’s some new wood he’s got. He calls him pathetic. They start to leave before JBL comes on the screen and offers them the opportunity to Main Event by joining him as his tag team partners tonight. I love how no one even cares how Hacksaw feels. Way to make an old man cry.

Random Commercial Thought: Somebody stop these Truth commercials before they form a black hole of suck.

Back to the show where we replay last week’s ending again before Kane comes to the ring dragging his luggage. Maybe he’s moving. Here comes Punk as we discuss who is most likely to lose their belt this Sunday. Probably no one.

Kane vs. World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk (Non-title Match)

They dance around for a bit with Punk doing a little ballerina spin for some reason. I think he forgot where he is. Punk tries to slide through the leg but Kane grabs him by the hair and hammers Punk into the mat. Kane starts huffing like he’s leaking air and about to deflate like that doll I bought last week….I mean like a tire. Kane gets slammed out of the ring where he gets pissed and stairs at a guy at ringside. Punk baseball slides, but Kane sidesteps and uppercuts him. Back in the ring.

Kane starts dropping elbows and rights before crushing Punk with a clothesline in the corner and pinning for two. Punk eats some more canvas, which I hear is part of this balanced breakfast. Kane decides to really turn up the heat now…with a headlock. Kane runs him over with a boot and goes back to the headlock. Punk tries to knee his way free but Kane shuts him down again. Punk goes for another slide but is grabbed by the neck this time only for Punk to deliver some heavy kicks. Double Pepsi One in the corner, but Kane escapes the bulldog. Punk takes him down with a series of big kicks and gets a one count. Punk up top now and he delivers a cross body for two. Punk tries to scoop Kane, but he just elbows free and goes for the choke slam, but Punk’s foot comes into frame like he’s the fucking Zohan. Kane gets pissed and tosses Punk to the floor.

Kane takes him to the post, but Punk blocks and sends him to the post instead and leaps from the apron into a bulldog. Both men down now and Punk crawls into the ring at ten.
Winner: Punk

Kane starts tossing chairs in the ring and tackles Punk down, beating him into the mat. He then throws a baby fit. Kane decides to pull a classic and sandwiches the throat in the chair. Punk decides he has two options. Move, or stay there and let Kane hit him. Luckily he doesn’t get a chance to decide before Batista comes down and spears Kane before nailing him with the chair. He then ever so kindly helps Punk to his feet. Punk offers a handshake as Batista tells him he wants his title not his fucking handshake. He then pats him on the cheek and Punk shoves. Oh snap it’s on now….spine buster. That didn’t go well.

Random Commercial Thought: Cappuccino hinders your eyesight.

Back to the show where Cade and Jericho arrive. Cade has a chair to guard the ringside. Paul London is Jericho’s opponent.

Paul London vs. Chris Jericho w/ Lance Cade

London gets beat right into the corner from the get go. London tries to fight back but eats a head butt. Eating a head or a butt is not healthy. Jericho casually chucks Paul to the floor and stomps him down. London’s face meets the security before he’s tossed back inside. Jericho follows up with a kick to the midsection and chokes London out on the middle rope, standing on his back. Jericho has words with Cade about looking for Michaels to come from anywhere. London goes from a kneeling position to a full wheel kick before catching Jericho in the corner with a kick as well, but a leap off the turnbuckles bombs. Jericho regains momentum and delivers a double arm backbreaker, calling for Michaels to come out as he locks on the Walls in the old style that actually looked good. London taps.
Winner: Jericho

Jericho tells him to take this loss and change to Jericho’s path instead of Michaels, because his path leads to greatness, but Michaels’ path leads to disgrace and pain. Speaking of whom….here he is. Michaels seems to give a sermon, but what he doesn’t give is a shit about London.

Ransom Commercial Thought: Wii would like to play.

Back to the show where Jamie Noble is getting his Mac on with Layla. He has to prove himself to her with Snitsky because he woke him up or something. She has second thoughts of having him prove it to her when she sees the look on Snitsky’s face. This doesn’t bode well does it? Snitsky is either trying out for football or he broke his nose.

Noble attacks Snitsky as he gets in the ring and keeps coming at him but Snitsky tosses him about like a rag doll from corner to corner before charging into a pair of feet. Noble goes up top and talks to Layla, before leaping off…into a foot as well. Coathook slam finishes Noble off before he stares Layla down and leaves. This wasn’t a match, just a random beating for no reason. Layla looks indecisive about helping Noble but seems to decide not to.

Random Commercial Thought: Who decided the best way to sell razors was to have Cena hit Vince with a chair?

Back to the show Replay of the McMahon message from earlier. Not sure why we needed that random filler so we can just go into a breakdown of the card from GAB. JBL is required to actually walk to the ring after his custom job from last week. Cody and Ted don’t get their own entrance, they aren’t important enough, though they do get introduced first, that’s nice of Lillian.

Random Commercial Thought: Is Ebony and Ivory really the most appropriate song for Psych?

Back to the show. Judging by the ring attire of the heels in the ring, this seems like a battle between boxers and briefs. Cryme Tyme get their own entrance. When Cena arrives they charge the ring and the heels take to their…heels. I apologize, that pun was just freaking horrible, I should be ashamed of myself. You know, I’ve always wondered what would happen on a wrestling show if nobody had any conflicts all night in order to make a match. Would the show just end early?

John Cena & Cryme Tyme vs. JBL & World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase (Six-man Tag Match)

Cena starts out with Cody and tosses him around, delivering a sharp suplex before making him take a further beating in the corner. Shad tags in and works the arm, but Cody delivers a short shot to the face, only to be crushed a by clothesline and bench pressed. Cody slips free and beats Shad to the corner where Dibiase tags in. Shad comes back with an underhook suplex for two. This is totally how they teach you to fight on the streets. JTG gets slingshotted by Shad onto Dibiase for two.

Dibiase on offense now, and tags out to Cody who catches JTG with a dropkick. JBL sits on the apron and drinks a coffee, or he might as well, for all he’s done. Cody keeps delivering rights and goes to kiss his fist for the last one but JTG comes back with a big wrap around clothesline for two when Dibiase breaks up the pin. Cole points out we always talk about Cryme Tyme’s shenanigans but they are tremendous athletes to which I reply: Duh, they are black. Cena gets taunted in to the ring to distract the ref for a double team on JTG while JBL is in. JBL ties JTG up in the rope and Dibiase tags in, only for JTG to battle back on him until they chop him down at the leg. Cody in for a double teamed Wishbone.

Cody attacks JTG in the corner and taunts, getting himself kicked in the face. Crowd rallies for Cena now while Cody shuts JTG back down and Dibiase comes back in. Dibiase works the leg some more as JTG makes a look on his face like somebody just told him slavery was reinstated and everyone needs to grab themselves a strong one.

Random Commercial Thought: Aw, I want a baby that looks like a little skeleton too.

Back to the show. Shad got in the ring at some point and his being dissected by Cody who attacks his legs. JBL decides to do some work again and tags in to just punch Shad a lot. He punches Cena on the apron, allowing Cena to distract the ref against while Shad is worked over in the corner. Lots of punching ensues for a while until Cody tags back in with a club to the back from the top rope. Cody ties up the leg. Shad finally fights back, tossing Cody off out of a bulldog far across the ring. Cody stops the tag though by attacking Cena on the apron and going back to the leg on Shad.

Dibiase tags back in and drops a Million Dollar fist before laying in some rights. Shad starts fighting back and Dibiase knees him in the gut to get him back to the heel corner for more double teaming. Back to Cody. Goddamn, I don’t like Cody’s face. His eyes look like they are in constant darkness because of that fucking Neanderthal browline he has. Cody goes up top and bombs. Cena gets the tag and crushes the tag team champions by himself, Triple H style. Dibiase gets the Protobomb and Five Knuckle Shuffle before the FU while JBL runs away. Rhodes takes a throwback and Cena goes up top fro the top rope leg drop on Rhodes and the STFU. JBL breaks it up with a kick from behind…which gets a disqualification?
Winners: CTC

So how does this qualify a disqualification when breaking up pins does not? JBL makes a run for it afterward. Cena chases him through the back as they walk right by that little interviewing curtain, which was funny to see. The chase leads to the parking lot with Cena making an old horror movie mistake of looking everywhere but where is most obvious…behind the cameraman. Because even though we see the entire parking lot, cena manages to get attacked form behind with a tire iron anyway and left against a car before JBL runs another car into him. This HILARIOUSLY cuts away to an obviously different piece of footage of JBL crashing into the other car. JBL gets out of the car and stands there awkwardly. What?

Highlight of the Night: Beth Phoenix shows Chyna isn’t the only man around here.

Lowlight of the Night: Punk gets made to look like a punk again. Even when the guy gets a belt, he still can’t look legit.

WWE “Creative” Award: JBL runs over Cena. How many times have we seen this? Too many. How many times has it been interesting? Never.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 

Welcome back to the only show where attempted vehicular homicide is a perfectly acceptable solution to your problems. Nothing illegal here folks, just keep walking. I think Raw has to be the only show where the cops are more likely to show up in the arena when somebody ISN’T breaking the law than when somebody is. Not a whole lot to report from the PPV other than the fact that more attempted vehicular homicide was performed and Jericho apparently tried to tear Michaels’ eye from his head. It was a lot like watching a Quentin Tarrentino film, only without a musical score, or a large man wearing a hat sitting in front of you with excruciatingly severe body odor. I’m convinced Kane is carrying his remaining dignity in that bag.

Raw 7.21.08

Show opens with a recap of Kane costing Batista the belt before we find Teest was watching the footage out in the truck, awkwardly wearing a suit jacket with no shirt under it to make himself look like the world’s most buffed out Puerto Rican pimp. In case you missed the action and drama of last week, tonight we’ll have a six man tag rematch between Cena and JBL, because obviously that’s what we paid to see. After credits and pyro, Batista comes out to say that since Shane and Steph are not here he is putting himself in charge (oh so that’s how it works? Man, I wish I’d figured that out sooner). He makes a match between him and Punk for the title tonight and says he’ll make sure Kane doesn’t come wreck this shit again. JBL seems to take objection to all this. He says he doesn’t care if Batista johns all night long, it’s his turn for a title match now. He also adds a creepy
 description of Batista’s muscles. He forgets who he’s fighting tonight declaring him to be “Kan-Ce-Cena” and saying neither he or Batista will have a title match tonight because he already has a match. He suggests Batista go get Kane.

Punk decides he’s heard enough of Batista talking to the big screen and decides to interrupt. He declares himself King of the Jungle and says he doesn’t have to listen to shit. He says Kane messed up his chance to win last night. Because obviously, Kane messed up his plan to just appear to be losing horribly until his chance to strike. He accepts a match with Batista. JBL starts yelling at them and Punk asks them to shut off his sound leaving him yelling silently while Batista agrees to the match.

Random Commercial Thought: Speaking of new planets, the new Dwarf planet that resides with Pluto and Aeris is now officially named (wait for it)…MakeMake…..yeah. Before that they were calling it Easterbunny. What. The. Fuck.

Someone whose name I didn’t pay attention to is coming to the WWE to get in the ring and fight autism. I assume it will be a one time return of Eugene? Michaels’ music plays but it switches up to Lance Cade’s which is just God awful. Cade calls Michaels his mentor which would probably mean more to people if we had EVER seen him being mentored by Michaels before. He invites Michaels out to see him at any time, before after or during his match. He says they will have words they should have had a long time ago. Most of those words are only four letters long.

Lance Cade vs. Paul London

London tries a waist lock that Lance has trouble breaking for some reason. Spring board cross body in the corner bombs huge. Why London tries it -after- he can obviously already see Cade is no longer there is anyone’s guess. Psychology for the win. Cade goes to a back breaker and holds it for a submission. London almost gets a three out of nowhere but Cade proceeds to just running him off with some hosstacular goodness. Cade sends him sliding gut first into the post along the ground, wrapping London around it. Cade finishes things off with his Rock Bottom/Powerbomb.
Winner: Cade

Cade is upset he still hasn’t got Shawn to show himself and thinks maybe bringing Jericho out will work. Jericho is walking so stiff it looks like he just saw Dusty Rhodes naked.

Random Commercial Thought: Star Wars does not belong in Soul Caliber damn it.

Back to the show. Jericho says Michaels is not coming (that’s what she said). He claims to have ended his career. In other news Michaels has now changed his theme song to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLsJyfN0ICU

Jericho blames everything on us. He washes his hands of things like Caesar. Cade spends the entirety of this segment standing behind Jericho and looking about as awkward as any lower midcarder who has been thrust into an underserved spot on the roster. He says he’ll make us regret our decision to back Michaels just as Michaels will regret the decision to fight with Jericho. He considers himself saved, revealing he has in fact join the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints. He’s now going to go to Salt Lake City and take another wife.

Random Commercial Thought: The Dark Knight is the best fucking movie ever made.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Beth beating Santino’s ass, when we all know that in the sack it’s the other way around! Yeah I went there. Kelly Squared is here and I suddenly am wishing Rhodes and Dibiase would come kick her back out again. She’ll be wrestling Beth. Beth looks a lot like that Black Widow secret character from WCW vs. NWO World Tour.

Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly

Kelly attacks swiftly, but it goes about as well as planned with her being slammed into the corner and crushed. Beth scoop slams Kelly and slams her about by the hair before locking an abdominal stretch in on the ground. Kelly lands an enziguiri and a head scissors, beginning to punish Beth with dropkicks. Who gave her a game genie? She tries a hand spring elbow into the corner, but Beth calmly steps out during the dancing show and locks the chicken wing in. Kelly rolls through, but Beth rolls it over again and into an interesting faceplant move for three. Ouch. It was scary looking.
Winner: Beth

I’d like to know why Kelly screams like someone is cramming a pole in her ass every time she does a simple move like throw a punch?

Random Commercial Thought: In Plain Sight is a terrible place to hide someone.

Back to…a fat guy in a polo shirt. Oh it’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan. He says he’s thinking about hanging up his boots (to fumigate for rats?) He points out his career highlights as winning the first Royal Rumble….and making lots of friends….and defeating kidney Cancer. Take that cancer! Fuck you! He says Rhodes and Dibiase may be right and he wanted to thank us for screaming Ho at every time he’s in the ring I guess. King interrupts and gets in the ring to join the bad fashion parade with one of his ridiculous shirts that look better suited to a poker party. King says there is not an age limit in the WWE (God, sometimes I wish there was). He says as long as he is passionate, he can perform and that he has an ability Obama and McCain would kill for (The ability to haul wood and a flag at the same time?). It’s apparently the ability to start USA chants with his mere presence. He thanks King and decides to stay but Rhodes and Dibiase interrupt.

Dibiase says that just because King dates girls younger than them- this is punctuated by a high pitched scream. That was in fact the girl scout beneath the announce desk working the gag off for a moment. This all culminates in King bitchslapping Rhodes but Dibiase holds Rhodes back so they can get on with their match.

Random Commercial Thought: I have burritos. Be afraid.

Back to the show where Cena ad Cryme Tyme join things. Cena has officially become the token white guy in a group of black men.

CTC vs. JBL & World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase

We have JBL and Cena in first but JBL backs up and tags out to Rhodes. Lamb to the slaughter. Cena proceeds to own Rhodes all over the ring before tagging Shad in. Shad crushes Rhodes in the corner but eventually runs into a kick, allowing Dibiase to tag in. Gutbuster suplex from Shad on Dibiase for two. Dibiase, whose  gut is much less busted than that move would indicate, is sent to the face corner for Cryme Tyme double team. JTG picks up a two count and pulls a variant of the Goldust uppercut. Dibiase manages to hang JTG up on the top rope.

JBL tags in and pummels JTG in the corner before Rhodes comes in for more of the same. I take a sabbatical from the match to go assist two old people in coping with technology (OMGWTF universal remotes?!). I come back to JTG still getting owned by the heels. He’s beginning to fight out of a waist lock but Rhodes nails him with a sharp kick to the gut that launches him. JBL tags in and stomps him down in the corner. I’ve seen this happen before, only the last time it happened, the black guy kissed a white woman first. Dibiase back in for more stomping and a body scissors. JTG finally battles out. Do they use the same stuff to hold up JTG’s pants that they use on the Diva’s tops? Rhodes manages to tag in and stop the tag, beating JTG into the corner. He makes a dive in the corner and JTG dodges, sending him shoulder first into the post.

Cena makes the tag and goes to town on Dibiase, hitting the proteome and then tackling JBL. JBL runs from the ring and Cena goes back to taking out the tag champions by himself, stacking them in the corner and coming in with a clothesline. Her then FUs them both at the same time for the win. Wow.
Winners: CTC

Cena tosses Cryme Tyme a bone after the match and raises their hands. Elsewhere in the back Jericho and Cade are walking along when they open a random door to find Kane staring at them. I haven’t seen a moment this awkward since I ran into a Jehovah’s Witness meeting and screamed “Slavery Reinstated!”. Kane just wanders past them eventually.

Random Commercial Thought: Samuel L Jackson’s new movie: Sharks on a plane.

In other news, Tim Allen thinks a Headlock is a Hammerlock. Fail less next time. Mickie James is out and she is joined by Kofi “I’m not Ras Tafari” Kingston to take on the Burchills.

Women’s Champion Mickie James & Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston vs. The Burchills (Inter-gender Tag Team Match)

Mickie owns Katie early on with a head scissors out of the corner. She runs and Mickie nails Paul in the face. Kofi comes leaping over the rope huge air time to tackle Paul when he cases Mickie. Kofi and Paul tag in now after the ref clears things up. Katie comes in to distract Kofi, allowing Paul to take out the legs. All hell breaks loose after some mounted punches in the corner and Mickie and Katie tackle each other on the floor, Paul tosses Mickie away and Kofi attacks from behind, but kicks the ring post when Paul ducks. Back in the ring, Burchill drops him on his head for three.
Winners: Burchills

In the back, Jamie Noble is still working his magic on Layla when Batista asks him if he’s seen Kane. Jamie smarts off in the usual style and gets his ass choked (which for the record is less effective than choking the neck, just so you know). Batista has him make sure to tell him if he sees Kane. No one can see Kane though. Because he is evil and you can See No Evil! Eh?! Amirite?!…I’m sorry.

Random Commercial Thought: The only person I ever saw shopping in a bikini was a fifty year old women coming out of K-mart in a black string bikini. My mind burns in pain ever since.

Back to the show where CM Punk is interviewed about his match. He says some generic crap we already heard tonight before JBL comes up to confront him about wanting a shot. Punk says he’s already beat JBL and we have an INTENSE moment before….another commercial break.

Random Commercial Break: Do I really need to tape up my hands to play online poker? Watch out for that Carpel Tunnel!

Back to the show where we get another replay of Michaels bleeding from the eye. Santino Morella is out to tell us he only fights men. He reissues his challenge. He wants a man. It’s….D-lo Brown? What the fuck , who let him out of his box? Out behind him is Beth Phoenix. She stares Santino down from the ramp.

Santino Morella vs. D-Lo Brown (The fuck?)

Santino goes to a headlock and is ran over. D-Lo powers himself with the sheer power of the nineties, but manages to miss a corner charge. Santino attacks the back as a small chant for D-Lo begins. Sharp suplex from Brown who lands his little spastic leg drop and a running clothesline on the ground sets up for the Lo Down.
Winner: D-Lo

Beth stalks Santino into a corner and eventually they begin to trade off waist locks before um….they make out. Awkward? Tap that shit, Santino! Is Santino’s last name Guerrero? This really -has- become the Nineties all over again.

Random Commercial Thought: Um, if a mirror is fucking with you, just take a bat to it maybe?

Back to the show. King and Cole discuss that Steph and Shane are in fact searching for a new GM. On to the match, completely with Batista spasms. This time they don’t involve some random kid doing it for him. Batista gets to the ring but Kane’s entrance interrupts. Batista and Kane start to brawl and Kane lands an early, awkward looking choke slam on Teest. Punk comes to the rescue and sends Kane to the floor. The ref squad comes to the ring to pull Kane away. This time the camera gets the fuck out of dodge before he can be Sparta Kicked (THIS. IS. RAW.). The ref asks Batista if he still wants the match. Punk asks him as well and Batista shoves him away.

Random Commercial Thought: Would a frog make a better ninja than a turtle?

Back to the show. Batista and Punk are still getting ready so we haven’t missed anything yet.

Batista vs. World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk (World Heavyweight title Match)

Batista just clobbers Punk to start with. Punk comes back with kicks to the knee and keeps trying to put the pressure on, not letting Batista just shove him off for long. Batista just runs through with a kick for two. Batista initiates general hoss tactics and beats Punk around in the corner. Punk counters a back drop into a neck breaker. Punk keeps the pressure on and kicks Batista down with a dropkick to the back of the head for a one count. This match looks like these two are not only wrestling but having some sort of ridiculous tattoo war. I think Punk is winning. When you have G.I. Joe stuff you obviously already know how to win half the battle. Oh yay, rest holds. Punk gets tossed off but he goes right back in, landing…another rest hold.

Batista breaks free with a snap mare, but Batista runs into an elbow and another neck breaker gets two this time. Punk and Batista get a big mixed chant as Punk works a head scissors and picks up another two count off a running knee to the head. Punk nails a bulldog for two and goes to the apron. Springboard back into the ring is countered to a huge spine buster by Batista.

Both men battle to their feet and Batista rams Punk to the corner, slamming into him corner to corner, but eventually he runs into a boot. Springboard cross body misses and Batista spears. JBL comes running down the apron…or rather slowly trotting and delivers a clothesline from Hell on Batista.
Winner: Batista

Punk gets a kick in the head and falls to the floor as Cena comes down to take on JBL, but hits Batista on accident. Batista takes this personally like Cena pimpslapped his mom. They both try their finishers before ending up brawling amidst referees as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: The Glamazon gets horny for the Italian Sausage.

Lowlight of the Night: Cena buries the Tag Team Champions. Say hello to our replacement Triple H.

WWE “Creative” Award: What. The. Fuck? The main event made no sense with Kane coming in before hand, only for that to impact the match none at all and instead lead to JBL and Cena rushing back into the main event. Complete clusterfuck and Punk looks like the weakest World Champion in years.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

 

Watching Law and Order SVU is sometimes the most uncomfortable thing in the world, right next to trying to explain the uses of butt plugs to your grandmother. Do not ask why that is the first thing that comes to mind (HAHA, comes). Tonight, it’s more random Raw action as we try our hardest to continue to make CM Punk look like a total douche bag, and not further anyone’s storylines at all. Same old, same old I guess. At least it’s different people locked in mindless repetition than we had a few months ago.

Raw 08.28.08

Show opens with a replay of the altercations between everyone last week that ended with the massive clusterfuck of randomness. On to theme and pyro before we have Cena coming to the ring. Christ, I wish they would just end the whole “No one is in charge” storyline and get on with it. Food for thought. If people can’t see you, then doesn’t wearing a hat that says they can’t see you, become completely pointless since they can’t read it? Cena calls his reaction mixed, if by mixed you mean, one chick chanting against everyone else. He blames the way he was raised for the mistake he made last week in punching THE DAVE in the face. Batista eventually comes out and apparently these two coordinated in dress tonight with the jerseys. How cute. Next they’ll be wearing the same Easter dress. Batista says he’s cool with Cena after watching the video footage of last week and goes on to say he likes and respects and Cena. He then offers Cena a title
 shot after he beats CM Punk at Summerslam. Cena says he lost twice already and he’s probably not next. Dave blames interference and says he knows CM Punk can’t beat him but neither can Cena. Oooo snap. It’s on like Donkey Kong (in 8-bit?).

Cena proposes a number one contender’s match. The DAVE has trouble pronouncing his own home town’s name, before being interrupted by Shane McMahon. Haha, he doesn’t dance quite as well as he used to. Not that it was ever very good to begin with. It was always more like an epileptic seizure than a dance. Shane says he has appointed a new GM and will introduce that person later tonight. He says they already made several matches in Punk against “some technically sound and hot free agent” which must be Benoit who is hot after BURNING IN HELL. He says Cena is in a match against JBL and Kane with Batista as his partner.

Random Commercial Thought: The first rule about Jurassic Fight Club is don’t talk about Jurassic Fight Club….because everyone will point and laugh at you.

Replay of D-lo Brown’s return and the creepy make out session between Santino and Beth. Just remember Santino in case of an accident, Surprise Abortion. Falcon Punch works every time. We get a shot of the Washington Monument, or as I like to call it: Sir Pointy Penis. Now on to a Kelly Kelly Match…..damnit. D-lo is her partner. Next out is Santino-I still don’t have a finisher besides my GIANT PENIS-Marella. We get a replay of the conversation between Beth and Santino with Beth telling him their relationship is professional. He tells her to keep her eyes up as he is not a piece of meat. King points out old matchups between Batman/Catwoman and Buffy and Vampires. Cole gets a rare good one in with King and JR.

Santino Marella & Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly & D-Lo Brown (Inter-gender Tag Match)

Santino gets owned by D-lo early and eats the Sudden Impact out of nowhere for two when D-lo rolls back out of a sunset flip attempt. D-Lo hammers Santino in to the corner, but Santino powers back with a neck breaker. Santino tries to lift D-Lo up but can’t so Beth tags in and does it herself. D-Lo looks confused and Kelly tags in. Beth takes a beating and just crushes Kelly with a back breaker who can be snapped like a twig. Santino says he’s got her and tags in. Santino misses a slow ass elbow drop and just knocks D-Lo off the apron before she can make a tag. He then rolls Kelly up with tights for the win.
Winners: Awkward Moments

Santino celebrates like he just had the world’s greatest orgasm as Beth politely claps. He hugs Beth but then shakes her hand as they both turn away awkwardly again. He keeps trying to set up for a kiss behind her before she turns around and finally drags him by the hair back into the middle of the ring for a kiss that is more reminiscent of a soul sucking maneuver. I noticed Santino has cut his goatee back again to make himself considerably less evil. I disapprove. King pimps out that Jericho plans to do the final Highlight Reel tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Scorpion King. Because it’s way more effective to rule an arachnid instead of people.

Back to the show where….Jeff Foxworthy is on the screen? He’s whoring himself out for Saturday Night’s Main Event advertisement it seems. In the back, Shane is looking at a picture of Vince when JBL comes around dot say how great Vince was, and ask how he’s doing. Shane dodges the questions and asks how he can help him. JBL says his win against Cena puts him in containership or the title. Shane says he needs to take it up with the new GM and JBL says can’t a McMahon supersede? The answer is yes, but only if they feel like it. Shane’s phone goes off and it’s his own damn theme song. Shane just walks away and leaves JBL hanging.

Off to ringside for a Tag Team Title Match. Hacksaw Jim Duggan? The fuck? And his partner is King. God….I still can’t get over Cody’s eyes. He looks like he either wears eyeliner or has downs syndrome. A second ref comes to the ring to show Lillian something. She says the new GM has kicked Duggan out of the match and put Michael Cole in his place. I hate our new GM already. Duggan was bad enough but CHRIST man.

Random Commercial Thought: You cannot melt a steak.

Back to the show. Cole is in the ring. Aw, it’s his good suit too, looks like the one Hiedenriech raped him in.

Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase vs. King & Cole w/o Natt (Tag Team Title Match)

This match is made less interesting instantly by a lack of announcing. King and Dibiase start off with King taking the brunt of it. Dibiase tags out and holds King for Cody until King tosses him off and delivers a bitch slap. Cody rallies back but King just pounds him into the corner like he was selling girl scout cookies. Cody power slams King for two and works the arm. King eventually throws him off and starts to pummel them both before setting up a piledriver on Rhodes. Dibiase cheap shots him from behind though and Cole helps King up. Rhodes calls it a tag. The ref forces Cole to come in when Rhodes tosses King. Rhodes drags Cole by the shirt who socks him in the jaw, but Rhodes pummels him in the gut for revenge ad delivers a clothesline for three. This abomination of a match is finally over. Why Rhodes didn’t just kick him in the nuts for the DQ is beyond me.
Winners: Rhodes & Dibiase

Cole is on the ground asking King and the ref what happened. If I were him I would think I could figure out pretty quick that I got my ass kicked even if I couldn’t remember how it happened.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s not very productive if your savings consume food, thus costing you money and more of your savings….

Back to the show. Oh Good God. Mike Adamle is here. Fuck it. He says someone called him to be here earlier and says he knows now why they called him in advance. King says it is obvious their new GM likes to play games. Jamie Noble is in the ring with his new squeeze and says he is both McCain and Obama put together. He calls Layla his part-time Girlfriend/Associate/Kind-of girl…or something. He wants to show the GM what he is made of tells Kofi to come out and take it like a man (with a great deal of grunting and sweat?). Do we HAVE to have a Kofi match while Adamle is here? It took him approximately five seconds to say Jamaican me crazy.

Jamie Noble w/ Layla vs. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston (Non-title Match)

Jamie starts off hard with kicks and Adamle goes crazy over a ….body slam. It gets him a one count. Kofi dances around with a kick to the gut into a short uppercut into a dropkick that Adamle calls as a Double Leg Dropkick….right. Kofi is delivering the pain but Jamie rolls through a cross body for two. Jamie scoops Kingston who slips out into the Trouble in Paradise for the three.
Winner: Kofi

Adamle calls Layla, Eric Clapton’s favorite Diva. Man, if only that guy could actually sing instead of just play guitar. We get a shot of Punk headed through the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I need some Tylenol to survive this announcing.

JBL has joined the announce team and tells Adamle to Shut the Fuck Up while he and Jerry call this match. He says he’s here to prove a point to the new GM as Punk comes to the ring for his match. His opponent is…..former General Manager William Regal. Hot free agent, my ass. And what the FUCK is that leotard he is wearing? His hair is out of control as well. Makes him look like Dr. Who.

Regal wrestles Punk down, working the neck with a chin lock until Punk slips free into a hammerlock. Regal rolls back into a one count and goes back to a headlock. Punk fights his way three and a side dropkick leads into an arm bar for Punk. Regal fights back and starts to destroy punk with chain wrestling (OMG Wrestling in a wrestling match?). Punk comes back with a small package for two but Regal kicks out and kicks him in the back of the head, yanking some hair for the hell of it. JBL gets a sound bite in of Regal “owning” Punk. Haha. Standing Half Nelson from Regal. Regal delivers an impressive Half Nelson suplex and goes for the Regal Stretch but Punk scoops him up into the GTS for practically his only offense and the win.
Winner: Punk

JBL gets his hat (“The hat only comes off for one thing…”) and gets in the ring, but Kane interrupts. This week in Kane’s Bag of Happy Treats: Free Pez! Kane uppercuts Punk and Punk kicks Kane in the head but turns into a clothesline from JBL. JBL and Kane stare down.

Random Commercial Thought: I spent this commercial break watching a Snake fight a monkey.

Back to the show. Jericho and Cade arrive. Jericho wore a nice suit for this. He goes on about his choice to grow up. Props for keeping the busted ass flat screen behind him. He plays highlights of himself in his greatest moments. This includes mocking Stephanie’s boobs. He asks if we miss that guy an says he doesn’t as that was an embarrassment. He says he put HBK’s head through that tron. He was the Blue Guy. Michaels was the Red Guy. Cade talks about how he is forever grateful to Chris saving him from floundering with Murdoch. The gay moment lingers. Jericho notes that he deserves the title match after being so dominant for a while now. I have to point out this promo went on much longer than necessary and this commentary is a highly condenses version. Most everything I cut out was about detached retina, much like a PG-13 version of Hostel.

Random Commercial Thought: Metal Gear Solid is and always has been poorly written.

We come back to….JR coming to the announce table? He says he got a call just like Adamle. Mickie is coming to the ring. Mickie’s dad gives her a kiss at ringside (CHILD MOLESTER) Adamle reveals he listens to Jillian Hall and has to be reminded that Jillian is not Lillian.

Jillian Hall vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James (Non-title Match)

Jillian starts off strong, hammering Mickie around the ring and slamming her to the mat face first, yanking the hair. Jillian puts on a reverse headlock and kicks Mickie in the head before giving us a short operetta. Most televisions didn’t survive this for the rest of the broadcast. Mickie rolls her up for two and starts to go on offensive with kicks and dropkicks. A slow motions Mick Kick misses but  the spinning DDT gets it.
Winner: Mickie

Adamle apparently believes a cover can combo into a pinfall….Katie Lea attacks Mickie from behind as she goes to her dad, who stands by like an unsurprised pussy. “Hmm, m daughter is getting her ass kicked. Should I help her? Unnng, I dunno…this popcorn is really fucking good…yeah she’ll be fine.” Katie Lea delivers a hard back breaker and joins Paul on the ramp. She says she hopes the new GM is watching because that was just for them. Speaking of GM’s a replay of Vickie taking out her PMS on Edge by bringing back the Undertaker. In the back, Shane is talking to Tard who wants to know who the new GM is. Shane says the person is already here and everyone will find out at the same time. Fuck off Tard.

Random Commercial Thought: Old people don’t belong in school.

Back to the show. JR demands money for Jenny McCarthey with her other cronies right after they run down the Summerslam card. Batista approaches Cena who is hanging with Cryme Tyme in the back. He asks for a moment and discusses things with Batista who keep saying after you to each other as we go to commercial. This felt more like it was going to break into some kind of Abbot and Costello sketch. If they discussed who was on first, I’d lose it.

Random Commercial Thought: Jet Li needs to stop starring in movies that are completely piles of shit.

Back to the show. King tells us HBK will be back live next week with his new friend Polly the Parrot. It’s finally time to get our match underway and I can’t imagine it lasting too long as we still have to reveal the new GM afterward or during. I wish I knew what was up with the Hogan trunks Batista is sporting.

JBL & Kane vs. Batista & John Cena

JBL and Cena start things off with Cena just being hammers down by a fist to the back of the head. If you had asked me earlier if I planned to watch this match while listening to JR, King and Adamle, I would have told you to shoot me before I had to.  Hindsight is 20/20. Batista tags in and starts to punish JBL into the corner, taking a forearm shot from JBL like it is paper and Poe slamming him for two. Kane breaks the count and Cena clotheslines Kane to the floor as JBL escapes to the floor as well. Cena and Batista stare down with each other as we go to commercial.

Random commercial Thought: You People exclusively refers to midgets.

Back to the match. JBL is delivering a series of neck breakers to Cena. Kane tags in and starts to work the neck more delivering a running dropkick to a grounded Cena for two. I’ve come to a new conclusion about Kane’s…erm…sack. I believe it contains his many plot holes and continuity errors. Cena tries to escape but Kane grabs him by the head and belt to drag him back to the corner. JBL back in with a few more forearms. Kane comes right back in for a side slam for two. Kane goes up top now. This hasn’t been working out well lately….

Cena dodges and delivers a DDT before crawling to the tag. Batista is in and beats JBL into the corners, rushing in with clotheslines. JBL tries a reversal but THE DAVE ducks the clothesline and delivers a spine buster. He sends Kane back to the floor and JBL and Kane team up to send him to the floor after Kane pulls down the ropes when JBL tosses him toward them. I still don’t understand how that is supposed to make you fall. Just stop running you idiots. JBL picks up a two count and Kane tags in. Kane delivers elbows to the back of the head and kicks to the side. Kane drags Batista into some kind of Body Hump/Scissors. Batista tries to pound himself free but Kane tags out.

JBL back in and clothes lining Batista but he eats a spear and Batista kicks Kane in the head only to turn into a kick from JBL. Adamle suddenly opens his mouth but JR cuts him off thankfully. Kane and JBL accidentally hit each other and Kane goes to choke slam JBL. Cena sneaks a tag in and delivers an FU to Kane for the three.
Winners: Cena & The DAVE

Batista and Cena stare down some more as Shane arrives again. Shane says this is how we started tonight before introducing the new GM….. …. …Mike Adamle….oh God. OH GOD. Help me….I want to cry. Mike says he is proud to announce it will be John Cena and Batista against each other at Summerslam. The crowd sounds like they both just choked on a large pile of shit as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Cole gets beat up. That’s always fun!

Lowlight of the Night: Mike Adamle as GM?!

WWE “Creative” Award: MIKE ADAMLE AS GM?!!!

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).