RAW RANT ARCHIVE (July 2006)
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WWE RAW RANT: (07/03/06) By Cameron
Burge Since tonight is the big debut of the Highlanders (oddly minus the beheading and lightning) I am here to provide
you with the following useless information.(Yay!)
Cameron
Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night.
That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked
by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most
of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
In the final Highlander movie that was a cross between the movies
and the Television series. In it, the hero of the TV series (Duncan McCloud) is the victor. But suddenly, he comes across
a past love of his (also an Immortal) who we were lead to believe was beheaded earlier. She walks up to him and they DO NOT
FIGHT. That’s right. They get hitched and decide that since they’ll be immortal as long as they don’t kill
each other they can groove with that. The end. There can be only TWO. How fucked up is that? Now, you may be asking what that
had to do with the debut tonight, to which I say: Nothing. I was completely wasting you time. But I however will be foregoing
my usual Match Facts and Ending notes tonight to shave a little time off as I have places to be and things to do. So we’ll
make this quick.
Raw 07.03.06
Show opens with
a colossal ass descending from the ceiling like the glorious host of angels.
Okay, that didn’t really happen,
but given the current state of events, I expected it. Instead we begin with a recap of last week with goofy music overlaid
in the back. Anyway, DX shows up and gets a WWE.com update from Coach and crew. They complain that they have nothing else
to do but go to work, but end up leaving with stupid grins in the end. Theme and pyro bring us to King who pimps the card.
Including out Mystery Partner Triple Threat tag. Edge is out with Lita and boy is she disappointed to find out he’s
gay. (Oh, wrong kind of out.)
He talks about how ECW is supposedly Hardcore and he will defeat RVD tomorrow for his
second WWE Title so Rob will be free to go to jail with Sabu. He’ll then defend it against RVD and Cena at Saturday
Night’s Main Event. He compares Rob to the Philadelphia Phillies (or however it’s spelled). He compares Cena to
the Eagles. After he’s done trashing other sports I don’t care about, he calls himself Terrell Owens who just
wants to get the hell out of this town. Lita will face Torrie tonight and Edge is about to announce his partner when Cena
interrupts. Edge calls him impolite and Cena charges the ring and they brawl. Edge gets beaten out to the announce table before
RVD’s music hits. An ECW chant tries to build, but nothing comes of it.
Rob says all he’s heard is how
close Cena came to making him tap out last week. He says they’ll never know what happened a mixture of a "Cena sucks"
and "You tapped out" chant builds up. Rob tells Cena to forget about the tag team match (since Rob already has apparently.)
He says they’ll have another one on one match tonight. Edge is pissed because if Cena won that would make his shot tomorrow
void. He says it won’t happen and Rob agrees since he'd just interfere anyway. Instead he suggests SNME happens tonight.
Edge says the next WWE will be rated R. Rob says it will be rated RVD and Cena says absolutely nothing (music to our ears,
I’m sure). We go to the parking lot for a limo and Vince steps out. He scowls at his driver for some reason when Coach
approaches.
Vince wants to know if DX is here and Coach says they are not, but they were. He says they tucked tail
and ran when he told them Vince barred them. He says it sounds good to him and for Coach to have a nice night. He walks off
talking about the holiday weekend as a screaming car of bikini clad girls arrives in the background (finally! I’ve been
waiting for Playboy to get back to me on that) as the show goes to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Ah!
White guy with dreads! Run!
We come back to Torrie for her match with Lita.
Torrie Wilson w/o a prayer vs.
Lita
Lita lets Torrie have an obligatory bitch slap, but Lita counters with a suplex and a one handed pin for one.
Torrie eats a Russian leg sweep for one and a half then a kick to the midsection. Lita chokes her out on the bottom rope as
Lita taunts with kisses and such while kicking her ass. Torrie bitch slaps her again and counters a suplex into hair pulls
and clotheslines and a sloppy dropkick that could make Lita proud. Torrie splashes Lita in the corner to set up a stink face.
Lita dodges and pulls the ref into her place which causes Torrie to turn around for a cheap shot and a DDT and the loss.
Winner:
Lita
Vince calls Coach to the back and asks Coach if DX really isn’t here, blaming the lack of several things
being there on them, but Coach says it is because people take the day off after a holiday weekend. Vince refuses to accept
this as he goes captain neurotic and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Snakes on a Plan is the
single worst movie title I have EVER heard in my LIFE.
Back to the show. They run some clips of The Highlanders’
adventures and play bag pipe music as they tell us tonight they’ll be debuting, but I already told you that. Next we
have a ten man tag team match as the Squad FINALLY wrestles someone besides DX. They’ve added some pyro showers to their
entrance. The worlds most...interesting tag team is out next.
World Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad vs. Gene
Snitsky & Eugene & Hacksaw Jim Duggan & VV Disease w/Mental Problems
Not sure who started us here,
but Val eats a beating from a squad member early. He scrambles a tag to Eugene, but Johnny blind tags to knock him the fuck
out. The Squad controls Eugene here as Kenny comes in and levels Eugene with a flying, spinning reverse elbow for two. Mitch
tags in for a two count of his own and tags in Mikey who tackles Eugene to the ground while he tries to fend them off. Mikey
uses a cross face and then picks up two more. Johnny is back in for two punches and Nickey comes in as JR talks about Johnny’s
supposed Martial arts background.
Kenny comes back in AGAIN and this is getting annoying. Kenny bombs on a corner move
to nail his face into the corner and Snitsky is in to annihilate the Squad by himself. Snitsky gets distracted and hit from
behind, but Kenny eats a sidewalk slam for two instead when Snitsky gets jumped. Val gets tossed from the ring and Viscera
takes a couple of dropkicks to the head to send him to the floor as well. Hacksaw tries to fend them off by himself and gets
ganged on to smack into the announce table. Snitskty eats a double suplex and a twin corners flying assault (a senton and
some move I missed) that gets the three.
Winners: The Squad
We go to the parking lot where DX is throwing
a party with the chicks they brought in the parking lot. They taunt the Squad and Vince with they foot longs. Terry a driver
comes up and Shawn runs off after Mr. Fuji when Hunter tricks him to miss out on the chicks who flash Terry. Shawn makes fun
of the feces terms and then they tell the Squad to come out and face them or suck it as we go to commercial (wouldn’t
they prefer that?).
Random Commercial Thought: Dial M. For Monkey.
Back to the show. Conway and Striker
are in the ring to be the punching bags for the Highlanders. Their weight is amusingly announced by stone in the old traditional
way, but that was Greek I believe.
The Highlanders vs. Matt Striker & Rob Conway
Rory starts us off
with Matt and catches his kick to deliver a big headbutt. Rory delivers mounted punches in the corner then shows Matt what’s
under the kilt. Rory holds Matt for a double sledge, but Robby accidentally hits Rory too. Rory gets angry then they double
team Matt. Rory holds Matt’s had between his knees for a headbutt from Robby. Conway is tagged in and takes a beating
too. Conway tries to tag back out, but Matt says he’s too smart to get back in there. Rory tags in and destroys Rob.
The new move, The Scott Drop debuts and Conway is crushed for three.
Winners: The Highlanders
In the lot,
Candice asks what is in the truck Shawn went into. Hunter tries to tell her while having odd convulsions. He says it’s
the TV truck and Candice gets what is apparently more oral sex from under the table. This is ridiculous. We get a stream that
is apparently Hunter semen that has morphed into mustard. Afterward, two girls come out from under the table after Candice
says she wants to go see what’s in the truck and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Pirates
of the Caribbean...Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines?
Back to the show. Hunter and girls arrive at the control truck. After
Hunter and Candice check out their asses on the way up the steps, we go inside to see all the monitors. Hunter and Shawn press
the big red button and accidentally turn off the cameras temporarily. Coach tries to warn Vince of DX, but he has to go to
the bathroom .hunter goes to camera ten so we can watch Vinnie Mac piss as he calls it the eight wonder of the world, Andre
the giant. Coach comes in to tell him its a situation and gets pissed on. Coach finally gets a chance to tell him that he
is on TV right now. Vince doesn’t wash his hands as we go back to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Midgets cook my burgers? I don’t feel comfortable eating them now...
Back to the show! Vince comes to the ring
to speak of his special dirty shower last week. He says They have stepped over the line and he’s had enough now that
they are in his TV production unit. He tries to go on and the microphone suspiciously cuts out. The second gives some feedback.
He cusses out the camera silently, demanding his mic back as an "asshole" chant begins. He says he’ll take DX and no
one will embarrass him like that again. He talks again and has a helium voice now. He finally asks if we think his chipmunk
voice is funny and they apparently do, even though this joke went out last week. Then he says he isn’t Alvin the chipmunk
(indeed, now he’s fat Albert). He says he isn’t Barry white either nor Darth Vader. He tells them to normalize
his mic. He says he feels a lot better and a large fat sound plays for us. Oh joy...
They do some more crap I don’t
feel like talking about, suffice to say, Coach gets hit in the face with the door to the TV truck. In the end, Vince sets
up an SNME match with them against The Spirit Squad in an elimination match. They reply with a laugh track. He then tell his
own joke, saying he’ll have something to "cheer" about. They play crickets. He asks if they would at least have enough
respect to play his music so he can leave (for he is BOUND by the laws of Wrestling to stay until it does). he starts to leave
to his theme but when he gets out of the ring it switches to Stand Back instead as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial
Thought: It’s time for a celebration! The very first Girls Gone Wild Commercial I’ve ever seen on Raw. Hot
damn...
Back to the show. DX makes my day by replaying the best part of Melina’s entrance without Nitro’s
dumbass head. Thank you Hunter.
Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool (Intercontinental
Title Match)
Nitro begins by claiming he was thumbed in the eye to get a cheap shot on Carlito. Carlito ducks clothesline
and hits a big hurricanrana. A left hook leads to a Nitro counter a shot and hit the BEST LEG DROP EVER. Nitro break dances
into a leg drop on Carlito and picks up two. Chinlock follows. Melina keeps screeching for him. Carlito takes advantage of
Nitro showing off for Melina with clothesline and a knee lift. Springboard elbow brings Melina in to distract the ref and
Carlito. Carlito grabs her and dodges the charge from Nitro. Nitro stops himself from hitting her, but eats the Apple Jack.
Carlito looks to have it sewn up when Melina breaks up the pin for the DQ.
Winner: Carlito
Trish runs in
and takes Melina to town while Carlito watches. Trish makes everyone happy by kicking Melina out of the ring in such a way
to throw the skirt up with a kick to the back of the head. DX reruns Trish’s tits bouncing as she run in. then they
run some ass shots as well.
We cut to Rob getting ready in the back while Paul tells him not to do it. Rob is unconcerned,
but thanks him anyway as we shuffle off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Just what we need, a sequal
to Clerks that ditches everything that made the original edgy and new. Huzzah...
Back to the show. They do a segment
on the diva search, but I got something else for you instead.
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes
by Fonda But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda .
My anaconda
don't
want
none
Unless you've
got
buns,
hun!
And we’re back. Vince says he’s ditching before the main event. We go to Umaga with
Scott Reich which Lillian mispronounces. Shawn interrupts Estrada to pimp the DX shirt. He rolls all his Rs. Estrada has Umaga
take his frustration out on Scott.
Umaga w/ Estrada and plenty of Rs vs. Scott "I’m gonna lose" Reich
Umaga
clothesline him and delivers a powerbomb to the turnbuckle. This leads to a headbutt in the corner and the ass crash. Umaga
then does the spike, but its actually a chokeslam with the other hand tonight in which he just flicks Scott with his thumb
on the way.
Winner: Umaga
Estrada goes to speak and gets a giant belch noise after the match instead. They
play this one out so far it completely loses the tiny spark of funny it once had as Estrada tries this repeatedly. We go to
the parking lot where Vince is leaving and when his limo starts, it explodes with fireworks. If he’d been MacGuyver,
he would have known that. Vince crawls out of the back covered in green paint with green smoke rolling out. Shawn and Hunter
lean over him with sparklers and wish him a happy fourth of July. We go to commercial with the sound of Vince's coughing.
Random
Commercial Thought: I refute the second law of commercialism.
Back to the show. They run a segment of Wrestling
History of Hogan joining the NWO. As we comes back proper. Orton arrives with Pyro even though he is in metrosexual street
clothes. He calls it an inspirational video package, but didn’t do as much for him as Brooke Hogan’s music video
(which sucked more dick than the girl herself). He says she’s Hogan’s daughter, eighteen year old daughter. He
says Brooke is hot and in an upcoming episode of Hogan Knows Best, he’ll pick a date for her. He says if things work
out, she’ll see first hand why he’s a legend. And if Hogan has a problem with that, he might find out why Orton
is the Legend Killer. Oh yippee...
We go to Edge in the back chatting with Tard. He says he’ll be a champion
then saunters off. They pimp the Triple Threat match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The
Decent looks like Blair Witch Project meet The Cave and both those movies sucked more dick than Lita and Brooke combined.
Back
to the show. Edge is out followed by Cena and Rob. Lillian is still on that kick of announcing the rules and contestant after
they arrive. Apparently this is a no DQ match too. Big pops for Cena and RVD tonight. A definite improvement.
Edge
w/ Lita vs. Cena w/ Hip hop vs. WWE/ECW Champion Rob Van Dam w/ Drug Charges (WWE Triple Threat Title Match)
Cena
and Rob face off then tackle Edge. Edge eats fists then feet. Cena pulls Rob off of Edge to go back to whipping Edge’s
ass. Cena Irish whips Edge and right into a flying heel kick from Rob. Cena hits a fisherman’s suplex on Edge. Rob just
kicks Edge in the face then they toss Edge to the floor. Rob and Cena stare down again as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: Monk has never been to a monastery in his life.
Back to the match. Edge shoves Rob against
Cena on the top rope to toss Cena to the floor. Edge uses the ropes to pick up two on Rob. RVD hits a corkscrew leg drop for
two of his own. Edge gets dragged out by Cena who throws him into the stairs. Rob comes over the top rope onto Cena. They
both roll into the ring and Cena is down for two. Rob tries a float over on Cena and gets caught in an FU. Rob wriggles loose
and eats a lame clothesline from Edge. Cena does a standing vertical suplex when RVD comes off the top rope with a cross body
onto Edge to take them both down. Rob tries to Rolling Thunder into a double clothesline, but they pick him up into a slapjack.
Edge and Cena then double clothesline themselves instead. Rob starts fighting them both odd with rights and a step over heel
kick to Cena. JR forgets how to call it and calls it a windmill kick (slick save...).
Rob gets caught in the corner
by Edge and tossed to the floor. Edge runs into clotheslines from Cena. General offense ensues with the protobomb. JR hears
a different crowd than me apparently as Cena hits the five knuckle shuffle. Cena goes fort he FU, but Edge holds onto the
ropes. Cena dumps him to the floor instead and catches Lite when she runs in with a chair. Lita takes the FU instead and Rob
hits a Van Daminator on Cena. Rob goes up top and Cena rolls out of the way of the five star. Cena struggles up and scoops
Rob into the FU. Rob gets planted and Cena gets clocked by Cena and Edge pins Rob for some reason instead. They cut to a shot
of a little Home Alone kid with the most shocked look on his face you’ve ever seen.
Winner: Edge
Edge
foregoes helping Lita up to celebrate more as the show goes off the air.
We’ll be skipping our usual awards so
I can hurry on to my other plans for the evening. Take care, and Happy Fourth of July.
WWE RAW
RANT: (07/10/06) By Cameron Burge I smell something on the BBQ and it sure as hell ain’t Team Spirit. Smells more like a big flaming pile of
shit.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
That’s right, it’s Monday night again and if we can’t give you your nightly dose of man-ass
then only Chip n’ Dale Rescue Rangers can (Or something like that).
Raw 07.10.06
To
show you how interesting Raw has been, I almost FORGOT it was even on tonight. Theme and pyro.
As if this show couldn’t
get worse....Edge comes out to his own Rated R announce table next to JR. We follow that up with Cena’s music. Cena
is in the ring and Shelton follows him out. Edge says Cena will lose to the former champion and talks right over Lita thankfully.
John
Cena vs. Shelton Benjamin
Cena opens by dodging a clothesline and hitting a shoulderblock into an FU. Shelton wiggles
loose because Black men can move like that. Shelton opens on Cena after taunting him and gets the tables turned on him in
the corner. However, a corner clothesline is dodges by Shelton and Shelton tries to suplex him over the apron. Cena reverse,
but Shelton counter-counters into a neckbreaker. Warring Cena-Shelton chants begin between actual male members of the audience
(Dear God!). Edge claims her will be celebrating like last time live as Shelton picks up two.
Headlock of course fails,
but Cena’s come back is useless when Shelton counters a shoulderblock. Edge, I may point out, is still using the spinning
belt again. Shelton does some quick elbow drops and tries yet another headlock, but Cena stand with it on into an Electric
Chair drop. Cena picks up two off the chair which is the first real move he’s hit all night. Cena climbs up top and
takes an enziguiri from Shelton to topple to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: No snorkeling
on a first date. Just don’t do it.
Back to the show and the dreaded headlock of DEATH. Cena gets to his feet
with Shelton on his back and rams him into the corner, but Shelton holds on. Cena goes back down in this headlock that is
STILL going on and finally breaks loose on the third try. Cena fights back with his boxing combo and goes into the clotheslines.
He hits the protobomb and goes Five Knuckle Shuffle. Shelton is scooped into the FU, but Shelton flips out of it into a Samoan
Drop for two. Cena fights up yet again and Shelton attempts an FU apparently. Cena escapes and Shelton knees him to the corner
for a Stinger Splash. Shelton misses and eats an Fu and the STFU for the loss.
Winner: Cena
Cena rushes out
of the ring and tackles over the Rated R announce table to take Edge down. Cena slams him into the table and tosses him in
the ring, but Lita grabs him from behind to open John up for Edge. Edge goes off on Cena in the corner as the crowd builds
for him. Edge finishes him off with the Edge-u-cution DDT and a spear. Lita brings him a mic as they go down the ramp. Edge
says since they would rather be anywhere but here right now, they decide to go back to their hotel and watch the show. Edge
says he’ll see him Saturday. But...but you can’t SEE him! They run a special about Hogan being at the SNME with
Brooke. Commercial time.
Random Commercial Thought: Nightmares & Dreamscapes- From the stories of Stephen King.
That’s KING not Dean Koontz, the fucking hack.
Back to the show. They replay what just happened and we go to
the loading dock area to wait for DX to show up. DX has an open invitation from the McMahons tonight. They rerun last week’s
snafu. Vince and Shane run into Eugene wondering why he thought that footage was funny. Eugene has trouble coming up with
a person to impersonate. The McMahons need someone to get in the ring with them for their Handicap match to teach DX a lesson
and ask Eugene if he knows who that is. He suggests Dr. Isaac Yankem. (AHAHAHAHAA!). But of course it is him. We g to commercial
but first an odd USA Network voice pimps Melina and Trish....or and they are having a match too.
Random Commercial
Thought: I can do the nipple dance.........what?
They replay something, I wasn’t looking. Mina is played in,
but she has pants on and the crowd BOOOS so bad when she skips the entrance. Melina stops, and comes back to do the entrance
anyway. Trish is out next and she’s all alone.
Trish slams Melina face down and kicks her to send her right out.
Melina tries to escape but gets held up by her hair. Melina gets pissed and goes off on Trish. Trish manages to send Melina
face-first to the floor and Melina crawls under the ring. Trish tries to follow, but Nitro advances on her. Melina comes out
of the ring behind Trish and takes her down from behind. Trish takes a beating and gets pinned for two in the ring. Melina
tries a cross face next and switches to a front headlock, but Melina fisherman suplex with the bridge for two. Trish takes
some gut shots in the corner, but Trish turns the tables for the Stratusphere. Forearms lead into the headscissors and Trish
picks up two off a spine buster. Trish signals for Stratusfaction, but gets shoved into Nitro. She gets hung on the ropes
and Melina rolls her up for three.
Winner: Melina
Nitro grabs Trish after and Carlito attacks him. Double
Lou Thesz press gets double mounted punching and double dropkicks to send Melina and Nitro tucking tail. We go to Edge in
his hotel asking if their room had USA network. He insults the front desk clerk and tells him off about everything from his
job to his haircut. The man then proceeds to jizz in their room service. (maybe that didn’t happen). They run a thing
about the Diva Search, I didn’t care. But apparently you can text vote now like American Idol. Commercials please save
us!
Random Commercial Thought: Our weights are smooth! Buy us! We’ve been advertising this piece of shit for
TEN YEARS!!!
Back to the show. DX still isn’t here, oh the intrigue! The Highlanders are back and want to talk
about corn when Striker interrupts. He and Conway are here to wrestler damnit!
The Highlanders vs. Rob Conway &
Matt Striker
Striker pulls out bearded warrior’s legs out from under him and all and all out-wrestles him
all over the place. Striker tag in Conway who uses power shots to beat Rory down, but Rory turns the table and catches him
with a reverse elbow. Rory starts slamming Conway’s head into the turnbuckle and Robby tags in. Conway takes a running
Battering ram attack from Robby. For some reason King’s Scottsman impersonation is a pirate voice. Robby gets two and
beats Conway down some more. Conway gets caught on the second rope and Rory sticks his head between his thighs to choke him
out on it. Rory tags back in and Conway takes the Scott Drop while Striker just watches them pin him.
Winners: The Highlanders
We
get a quick segment with Flair and go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: What? I had things to do. Like your
sister.
Back to the show. Flair comes out to talk about how he proved Foley is a stuntman when he couldn’t outwrestle
him. Foley eventually interrupts him on the Titan Tron to shoot on Flair full-on. I can’t really describe how great
this promo is. It’s probably the single best promo we have seen all year and I suggest you find a word for word transcript
of it or watch it on Tiva, it’s that damn good. Flair stands stunned after this and tells him to quite crying, stripping
his coat, is he gonna beat the hell out of the screen? He tells Foley to come out so they can go hardcore and he wishes he
stomped his ear to the ground. Instead, Heyman comes to the ring.
Heyman says Flair never wrestled in ECW and he likes
to call Hardcore, Entertainment. He arranged footage for Flair to see the new ECW champion. Heyman then introduces the Big
Show who comes to the ring with his first world title in years and a pimping new suit. Big Show says there is only one man
who has ever one all three titles and that’s him. He says there is nothing more extreme than standing in an ECW ring
and looking him in an eye (I’m pretty sure Tiddly Winks is more extreme). He challenged Flair to an ECW title match.
Flair accepts. They stare down (and up) and Heyman distracts Flair from behind so Show can gets him from behind with his new
Sleeper Breaker.
We go to the back with Vince and Shane getting ready when Eugene knocks on their door and apologizes.
They say they aren’t offended or mad and he feels a lot better. They say they have a present for him. It’s a new
DX shirt. I’m sorry, but that shirt blows....okay, I’m not sorry at all. Anyway, they slime Eugene then club him
onto the couch and beat him down, slamming him into the wall. Eugene then gets a grown man swirly. Let’s flush out some
commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Pirates debuts this Saturday on USA and I heard the sequel was damn good.
Back
to the show, they replay Flair getting pwn3d!!11! On Unlimited we found out Candice will dance with Kelly this week. Oh yay...
Viscera
and Haas are here.
Viscera vs. Charlie Haas (Battle for Lillian!)
Viscera sends Haas to the ropes and
slaps his chest, crimpling him to the mat to stand on him with his weight. Haas regains the advantage and gets standing ten
punches (make it 9) Haas gets tossed off. Haas rolls to the apron as Lillian looks all worried for Haas’ ass-beating.
Haas manages to drops Viscera to a knee and goes up top with a missile dropkick for two when Viscera throw shim off and out
of the ring. Haas NAILS Viscera when he gets back in and opens with rights. Bossman slam leads to Viscera telling Lillian
that’s for her. He bump and grinds at her then corner crushes Hass, but Charlie dodges. Lillian gets a mic and tells
them to stop. She says they don’t need to do this, she just wants to be their friend. Haas rakes Viscera’s eyes,
blinding him, but Lillian steps between them. Blind Viscera can’t tell the difference between a grown man and a hot
bitch and Samoan drops Lillian.
Winner: No Contest
Haas is pissed for a moment, then they realize that she
dumped them and both laugh and leave. We go to Edge at the hotel bar. He tells someone to piss off and they toast his title.
We then see the Diva Search contestants headed to the ring. Oh God...
Random Commercial Thought: Help! Help us!
Now
we do the Diva Search, but instead. I’ve decided we’ll turn these into educational segments with excerpts from
Great Literature! (Huzzah!....what?) This week: The Final Problem by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock Holmes.
"It is
with a heavy heart that I take up my pen to write these the last words in which I shall ever record the singular gifts by
which my friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes was distinguished. In an incoherent and, as I deeply feel, an entirely inadequate fashion,
I have endeavored to give some account of my strange experiences in his company from the chance which first brought us together
at the period of the "Study in Scarlet," up to the time of his interference in the matter of the "Naval Treaty"--and interference
which had the unquestionable effect of preventing a serious international complication. It was my intention to have stopped
there, and to have said nothing of that event which has created a void in my life which the lapse of two years has done little
to fill. My hand has been forced, however, by the recent letters in which Colonel James Moriarty defends the memory of his
brother, and I have no choice but to lay the facts before the public exactly as they occurred. I alone know the absolute truth
of the matter, and I am satisfied that the time has come when on good purpose is to be served by its suppression. As far as
I know, there have been only three accounts in the public press: that in the Journal de Geneve on May 6th, 1891, the Reuter's
despatch in the English papers on May 7th, and finally the recent letter to which I have alluded. Of these the first and second
were extremely condensed, while the last is, as I shall now show, an absolute perversion of the facts. It lies with me to
tell for the first time what really took place between Professor Moriarty and Mr. Sherlock Holmes."
That’s all
we have.
We go to the back with The McMahons taking Hacksaw Jim Duggan with a chair for little reason other than to
beat up Hacksaw Jim Duggan, which is fine with me. Commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Where have all the good
commercials gone?
Orton cuts a quick promo on Orton.
Val Venis vs. Randy Orton
Val Venis comes
out, gets an RKO and gets pinned.
Winner: Orton
Orton goes on after the ‘match’ saying he’s
looking forward to officially introducing himself to Brooke too. We go to the hotel room with Edge and Lita getting room service.
They bitch out the bellhop. He demands Champagne. He gives him three minutes to get it (Umaga then beats his ass). Commercials
again.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m a gangsta out of love...probably cause all my gals get whacked.
Back
to the show. They pimp the card for SNME. We go to Edge’s hotel room where Cena bursts into the room and beats the hell
of Edge. He eventually takes the belt and clocks him with it, leaving him to lie there with it on him. Then we go to commercial
after that weird USA announcer guy pimps the main event.
Random Commercial Thought: Text now or die!
Back to
the show. Vince and Shane arrive. Vince introduces Eugene. Eugene comes out, but the Squad interrupts his entrance.
Eugene
vs. Vince McMahon & Shane McMahon (No DQ Handicap Tag Match)
They turn it into a No DQ match with the Squad
beating Eugene up on the outside and Shane on the inside. Vince stands on the apron with a mic and calls the action. He asks
if Eugene is laughing and nobody is laughing (literally). Shane crushes Eugene and gets a one count when Eugene hulk’s
up (and since he’s green already it makes sense). Eugene does the Hogan combo on Shane and gets the big boot. Eugene
taunts, but The Squad takes care of him before the leg drop of DOOM. The Squad beats him down and gives him High Spirits.
They go to leg drop him through a table when DX arrives on the ramp. Vince tries to get them to stand in the middle of the
ramp, but they keep moving to certain sides. They play it up and Vince says "How now brown cow" when they are finally sitting
there. He keeps saying now and nothing happens until they step further. It was a net. (I will NOT be beaten by a tiny NET).
Eugene then rolls up Vince for three.
Winner: Eugene
Hunter laughs his ass off as the show goes off the air.
Highlight
of the Night: Shelton/Cena was actually good, so I guess I’ll put it here, but I’d like to know where Kane
seems to have migrated to recently.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva Search. Need I say more?
Eugene Award:
Diva Search. I think I’ll just leave them with this for a while.
WWE RAW RANT:
(07/17/06) By
Gershon Levy
