RAW RANT ARCHIVE (July 2006)
Since tonight is the big debut of the Highlanders (oddly minus the beheading and lightning) I am here to provide
you with the following useless information.(Yay!) Cameron
Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night.
That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked
by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most
of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
In the final Highlander movie that was a cross between the movies and the Television series. In it, the hero of the TV series (Duncan McCloud) is the victor. But suddenly, he comes across a past love of his (also an Immortal) who we were lead to believe was beheaded earlier. She walks up to him and they DO NOT FIGHT. That’s right. They get hitched and decide that since they’ll be immortal as long as they don’t kill each other they can groove with that. The end. There can be only TWO. How fucked up is that? Now, you may be asking what that had to do with the debut tonight, to which I say: Nothing. I was completely wasting you time. But I however will be foregoing my usual Match Facts and Ending notes tonight to shave a little time off as I have places to be and things to do. So we’ll make this quick.
Show opens with a colossal ass descending from the ceiling like the glorious host of angels.
Okay, that didn’t really happen, but given the current state of events, I expected it. Instead we begin with a recap of last week with goofy music overlaid in the back. Anyway, DX shows up and gets a WWE.com update from Coach and crew. They complain that they have nothing else to do but go to work, but end up leaving with stupid grins in the end. Theme and pyro bring us to King who pimps the card. Including out Mystery Partner Triple Threat tag. Edge is out with Lita and boy is she disappointed to find out he’s gay. (Oh, wrong kind of out.)
He talks about how ECW is supposedly Hardcore and he will defeat RVD tomorrow for his second WWE Title so Rob will be free to go to jail with Sabu. He’ll then defend it against RVD and Cena at Saturday Night’s Main Event. He compares Rob to the Philadelphia Phillies (or however it’s spelled). He compares Cena to the Eagles. After he’s done trashing other sports I don’t care about, he calls himself Terrell Owens who just wants to get the hell out of this town. Lita will face Torrie tonight and Edge is about to announce his partner when Cena interrupts. Edge calls him impolite and Cena charges the ring and they brawl. Edge gets beaten out to the announce table before RVD’s music hits. An ECW chant tries to build, but nothing comes of it.
Rob says all he’s heard is how close Cena came to making him tap out last week. He says they’ll never know what happened a mixture of a "Cena sucks" and "You tapped out" chant builds up. Rob tells Cena to forget about the tag team match (since Rob already has apparently.) He says they’ll have another one on one match tonight. Edge is pissed because if Cena won that would make his shot tomorrow void. He says it won’t happen and Rob agrees since he'd just interfere anyway. Instead he suggests SNME happens tonight. Edge says the next WWE will be rated R. Rob says it will be rated RVD and Cena says absolutely nothing (music to our ears, I’m sure). We go to the parking lot for a limo and Vince steps out. He scowls at his driver for some reason when Coach approaches.
Vince wants to know if DX is here and Coach says they are not, but they were. He says they tucked tail and ran when he told them Vince barred them. He says it sounds good to him and for Coach to have a nice night. He walks off talking about the holiday weekend as a screaming car of bikini clad girls arrives in the background (finally! I’ve been waiting for Playboy to get back to me on that) as the show goes to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Ah! White guy with dreads! Run!
We come back to Torrie for her match with Lita.
Torrie Wilson w/o a prayer vs. Lita
Lita lets Torrie have an obligatory bitch slap, but Lita counters with a suplex and a one handed pin for one. Torrie eats a Russian leg sweep for one and a half then a kick to the midsection. Lita chokes her out on the bottom rope as Lita taunts with kisses and such while kicking her ass. Torrie bitch slaps her again and counters a suplex into hair pulls and clotheslines and a sloppy dropkick that could make Lita proud. Torrie splashes Lita in the corner to set up a stink face. Lita dodges and pulls the ref into her place which causes Torrie to turn around for a cheap shot and a DDT and the loss.
Vince calls Coach to the back and asks Coach if DX really isn’t here, blaming the lack of several things being there on them, but Coach says it is because people take the day off after a holiday weekend. Vince refuses to accept this as he goes captain neurotic and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Snakes on a Plan is the single worst movie title I have EVER heard in my LIFE.
Back to the show. They run some clips of The Highlanders’ adventures and play bag pipe music as they tell us tonight they’ll be debuting, but I already told you that. Next we have a ten man tag team match as the Squad FINALLY wrestles someone besides DX. They’ve added some pyro showers to their entrance. The worlds most...interesting tag team is out next.
World Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad vs. Gene Snitsky & Eugene & Hacksaw Jim Duggan & VV Disease w/Mental Problems
Not sure who started us here, but Val eats a beating from a squad member early. He scrambles a tag to Eugene, but Johnny blind tags to knock him the fuck out. The Squad controls Eugene here as Kenny comes in and levels Eugene with a flying, spinning reverse elbow for two. Mitch tags in for a two count of his own and tags in Mikey who tackles Eugene to the ground while he tries to fend them off. Mikey uses a cross face and then picks up two more. Johnny is back in for two punches and Nickey comes in as JR talks about Johnny’s supposed Martial arts background.
Kenny comes back in AGAIN and this is getting annoying. Kenny bombs on a corner move to nail his face into the corner and Snitsky is in to annihilate the Squad by himself. Snitsky gets distracted and hit from behind, but Kenny eats a sidewalk slam for two instead when Snitsky gets jumped. Val gets tossed from the ring and Viscera takes a couple of dropkicks to the head to send him to the floor as well. Hacksaw tries to fend them off by himself and gets ganged on to smack into the announce table. Snitskty eats a double suplex and a twin corners flying assault (a senton and some move I missed) that gets the three.
Winners: The Squad
We go to the parking lot where DX is throwing a party with the chicks they brought in the parking lot. They taunt the Squad and Vince with they foot longs. Terry a driver comes up and Shawn runs off after Mr. Fuji when Hunter tricks him to miss out on the chicks who flash Terry. Shawn makes fun of the feces terms and then they tell the Squad to come out and face them or suck it as we go to commercial (wouldn’t they prefer that?).
Random Commercial Thought: Dial M. For Monkey.
Back to the show. Conway and Striker are in the ring to be the punching bags for the Highlanders. Their weight is amusingly announced by stone in the old traditional way, but that was Greek I believe.
The Highlanders vs. Matt Striker & Rob Conway
Rory starts us off with Matt and catches his kick to deliver a big headbutt. Rory delivers mounted punches in the corner then shows Matt what’s under the kilt. Rory holds Matt for a double sledge, but Robby accidentally hits Rory too. Rory gets angry then they double team Matt. Rory holds Matt’s had between his knees for a headbutt from Robby. Conway is tagged in and takes a beating too. Conway tries to tag back out, but Matt says he’s too smart to get back in there. Rory tags in and destroys Rob. The new move, The Scott Drop debuts and Conway is crushed for three.
Winners: The Highlanders
In the lot, Candice asks what is in the truck Shawn went into. Hunter tries to tell her while having odd convulsions. He says it’s the TV truck and Candice gets what is apparently more oral sex from under the table. This is ridiculous. We get a stream that is apparently Hunter semen that has morphed into mustard. Afterward, two girls come out from under the table after Candice says she wants to go see what’s in the truck and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Pirates of the Caribbean...Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines?
Back to the show. Hunter and girls arrive at the control truck. After Hunter and Candice check out their asses on the way up the steps, we go inside to see all the monitors. Hunter and Shawn press the big red button and accidentally turn off the cameras temporarily. Coach tries to warn Vince of DX, but he has to go to the bathroom .hunter goes to camera ten so we can watch Vinnie Mac piss as he calls it the eight wonder of the world, Andre the giant. Coach comes in to tell him its a situation and gets pissed on. Coach finally gets a chance to tell him that he is on TV right now. Vince doesn’t wash his hands as we go back to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Midgets cook my burgers? I don’t feel comfortable eating them now...
Back to the show! Vince comes to the ring to speak of his special dirty shower last week. He says They have stepped over the line and he’s had enough now that they are in his TV production unit. He tries to go on and the microphone suspiciously cuts out. The second gives some feedback. He cusses out the camera silently, demanding his mic back as an "asshole" chant begins. He says he’ll take DX and no one will embarrass him like that again. He talks again and has a helium voice now. He finally asks if we think his chipmunk voice is funny and they apparently do, even though this joke went out last week. Then he says he isn’t Alvin the chipmunk (indeed, now he’s fat Albert). He says he isn’t Barry white either nor Darth Vader. He tells them to normalize his mic. He says he feels a lot better and a large fat sound plays for us. Oh joy...
They do some more crap I don’t feel like talking about, suffice to say, Coach gets hit in the face with the door to the TV truck. In the end, Vince sets up an SNME match with them against The Spirit Squad in an elimination match. They reply with a laugh track. He then tell his own joke, saying he’ll have something to "cheer" about. They play crickets. He asks if they would at least have enough respect to play his music so he can leave (for he is BOUND by the laws of Wrestling to stay until it does). he starts to leave to his theme but when he gets out of the ring it switches to Stand Back instead as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: It’s time for a celebration! The very first Girls Gone Wild Commercial I’ve ever seen on Raw. Hot damn...
Back to the show. DX makes my day by replaying the best part of Melina’s entrance without Nitro’s dumbass head. Thank you Hunter.
Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool (Intercontinental Title Match)
Nitro begins by claiming he was thumbed in the eye to get a cheap shot on Carlito. Carlito ducks clothesline and hits a big hurricanrana. A left hook leads to a Nitro counter a shot and hit the BEST LEG DROP EVER. Nitro break dances into a leg drop on Carlito and picks up two. Chinlock follows. Melina keeps screeching for him. Carlito takes advantage of Nitro showing off for Melina with clothesline and a knee lift. Springboard elbow brings Melina in to distract the ref and Carlito. Carlito grabs her and dodges the charge from Nitro. Nitro stops himself from hitting her, but eats the Apple Jack. Carlito looks to have it sewn up when Melina breaks up the pin for the DQ.
Trish runs in and takes Melina to town while Carlito watches. Trish makes everyone happy by kicking Melina out of the ring in such a way to throw the skirt up with a kick to the back of the head. DX reruns Trish’s tits bouncing as she run in. then they run some ass shots as well.
We cut to Rob getting ready in the back while Paul tells him not to do it. Rob is unconcerned, but thanks him anyway as we shuffle off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Just what we need, a sequal to Clerks that ditches everything that made the original edgy and new. Huzzah...
Back to the show. They do a segment on the diva search, but I got something else for you instead.
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda .
Unless you've got
And we’re back. Vince says he’s ditching before the main event. We go to Umaga with Scott Reich which Lillian mispronounces. Shawn interrupts Estrada to pimp the DX shirt. He rolls all his Rs. Estrada has Umaga take his frustration out on Scott.
Umaga w/ Estrada and plenty of Rs vs. Scott "I’m gonna lose" Reich
Umaga clothesline him and delivers a powerbomb to the turnbuckle. This leads to a headbutt in the corner and the ass crash. Umaga then does the spike, but its actually a chokeslam with the other hand tonight in which he just flicks Scott with his thumb on the way.
Estrada goes to speak and gets a giant belch noise after the match instead. They play this one out so far it completely loses the tiny spark of funny it once had as Estrada tries this repeatedly. We go to the parking lot where Vince is leaving and when his limo starts, it explodes with fireworks. If he’d been MacGuyver, he would have known that. Vince crawls out of the back covered in green paint with green smoke rolling out. Shawn and Hunter lean over him with sparklers and wish him a happy fourth of July. We go to commercial with the sound of Vince's coughing.
Random Commercial Thought: I refute the second law of commercialism.
Back to the show. They run a segment of Wrestling History of Hogan joining the NWO. As we comes back proper. Orton arrives with Pyro even though he is in metrosexual street clothes. He calls it an inspirational video package, but didn’t do as much for him as Brooke Hogan’s music video (which sucked more dick than the girl herself). He says she’s Hogan’s daughter, eighteen year old daughter. He says Brooke is hot and in an upcoming episode of Hogan Knows Best, he’ll pick a date for her. He says if things work out, she’ll see first hand why he’s a legend. And if Hogan has a problem with that, he might find out why Orton is the Legend Killer. Oh yippee...
We go to Edge in the back chatting with Tard. He says he’ll be a champion then saunters off. They pimp the Triple Threat match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The Decent looks like Blair Witch Project meet The Cave and both those movies sucked more dick than Lita and Brooke combined.
Back to the show. Edge is out followed by Cena and Rob. Lillian is still on that kick of announcing the rules and contestant after they arrive. Apparently this is a no DQ match too. Big pops for Cena and RVD tonight. A definite improvement.
Edge w/ Lita vs. Cena w/ Hip hop vs. WWE/ECW Champion Rob Van Dam w/ Drug Charges (WWE Triple Threat Title Match)
Cena and Rob face off then tackle Edge. Edge eats fists then feet. Cena pulls Rob off of Edge to go back to whipping Edge’s ass. Cena Irish whips Edge and right into a flying heel kick from Rob. Cena hits a fisherman’s suplex on Edge. Rob just kicks Edge in the face then they toss Edge to the floor. Rob and Cena stare down again as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Monk has never been to a monastery in his life.
Back to the match. Edge shoves Rob against Cena on the top rope to toss Cena to the floor. Edge uses the ropes to pick up two on Rob. RVD hits a corkscrew leg drop for two of his own. Edge gets dragged out by Cena who throws him into the stairs. Rob comes over the top rope onto Cena. They both roll into the ring and Cena is down for two. Rob tries a float over on Cena and gets caught in an FU. Rob wriggles loose and eats a lame clothesline from Edge. Cena does a standing vertical suplex when RVD comes off the top rope with a cross body onto Edge to take them both down. Rob tries to Rolling Thunder into a double clothesline, but they pick him up into a slapjack. Edge and Cena then double clothesline themselves instead. Rob starts fighting them both odd with rights and a step over heel kick to Cena. JR forgets how to call it and calls it a windmill kick (slick save...).
Rob gets caught in the corner by Edge and tossed to the floor. Edge runs into clotheslines from Cena. General offense ensues with the protobomb. JR hears a different crowd than me apparently as Cena hits the five knuckle shuffle. Cena goes fort he FU, but Edge holds onto the ropes. Cena dumps him to the floor instead and catches Lite when she runs in with a chair. Lita takes the FU instead and Rob hits a Van Daminator on Cena. Rob goes up top and Cena rolls out of the way of the five star. Cena struggles up and scoops Rob into the FU. Rob gets planted and Cena gets clocked by Cena and Edge pins Rob for some reason instead. They cut to a shot of a little Home Alone kid with the most shocked look on his face you’ve ever seen.
Edge foregoes helping Lita up to celebrate more as the show goes off the air.
We’ll be skipping our usual awards so I can hurry on to my other plans for the evening. Take care, and Happy Fourth of July.
Since tonight is the big debut of the Highlanders (oddly minus the beheading and lightning) I am here to provide
you with the following useless information.(Yay!)
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
I smell something on the BBQ and it sure as hell ain’t Team Spirit. Smells more like a big flaming pile of
shit. Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
That’s right, it’s Monday night again and if we can’t give you your nightly dose of man-ass then only Chip n’ Dale Rescue Rangers can (Or something like that).
To show you how interesting Raw has been, I almost FORGOT it was even on tonight. Theme and pyro.
As if this show couldn’t get worse....Edge comes out to his own Rated R announce table next to JR. We follow that up with Cena’s music. Cena is in the ring and Shelton follows him out. Edge says Cena will lose to the former champion and talks right over Lita thankfully.
John Cena vs. Shelton Benjamin
Cena opens by dodging a clothesline and hitting a shoulderblock into an FU. Shelton wiggles loose because Black men can move like that. Shelton opens on Cena after taunting him and gets the tables turned on him in the corner. However, a corner clothesline is dodges by Shelton and Shelton tries to suplex him over the apron. Cena reverse, but Shelton counter-counters into a neckbreaker. Warring Cena-Shelton chants begin between actual male members of the audience (Dear God!). Edge claims her will be celebrating like last time live as Shelton picks up two.
Headlock of course fails, but Cena’s come back is useless when Shelton counters a shoulderblock. Edge, I may point out, is still using the spinning belt again. Shelton does some quick elbow drops and tries yet another headlock, but Cena stand with it on into an Electric Chair drop. Cena picks up two off the chair which is the first real move he’s hit all night. Cena climbs up top and takes an enziguiri from Shelton to topple to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: No snorkeling on a first date. Just don’t do it.
Back to the show and the dreaded headlock of DEATH. Cena gets to his feet with Shelton on his back and rams him into the corner, but Shelton holds on. Cena goes back down in this headlock that is STILL going on and finally breaks loose on the third try. Cena fights back with his boxing combo and goes into the clotheslines. He hits the protobomb and goes Five Knuckle Shuffle. Shelton is scooped into the FU, but Shelton flips out of it into a Samoan Drop for two. Cena fights up yet again and Shelton attempts an FU apparently. Cena escapes and Shelton knees him to the corner for a Stinger Splash. Shelton misses and eats an Fu and the STFU for the loss.
Cena rushes out of the ring and tackles over the Rated R announce table to take Edge down. Cena slams him into the table and tosses him in the ring, but Lita grabs him from behind to open John up for Edge. Edge goes off on Cena in the corner as the crowd builds for him. Edge finishes him off with the Edge-u-cution DDT and a spear. Lita brings him a mic as they go down the ramp. Edge says since they would rather be anywhere but here right now, they decide to go back to their hotel and watch the show. Edge says he’ll see him Saturday. But...but you can’t SEE him! They run a special about Hogan being at the SNME with Brooke. Commercial time.
Random Commercial Thought: Nightmares & Dreamscapes- From the stories of Stephen King. That’s KING not Dean Koontz, the fucking hack.
Back to the show. They replay what just happened and we go to the loading dock area to wait for DX to show up. DX has an open invitation from the McMahons tonight. They rerun last week’s snafu. Vince and Shane run into Eugene wondering why he thought that footage was funny. Eugene has trouble coming up with a person to impersonate. The McMahons need someone to get in the ring with them for their Handicap match to teach DX a lesson and ask Eugene if he knows who that is. He suggests Dr. Isaac Yankem. (AHAHAHAHAA!). But of course it is him. We g to commercial but first an odd USA Network voice pimps Melina and Trish....or and they are having a match too.
Random Commercial Thought: I can do the nipple dance.........what?
They replay something, I wasn’t looking. Mina is played in, but she has pants on and the crowd BOOOS so bad when she skips the entrance. Melina stops, and comes back to do the entrance anyway. Trish is out next and she’s all alone.
Trish slams Melina face down and kicks her to send her right out. Melina tries to escape but gets held up by her hair. Melina gets pissed and goes off on Trish. Trish manages to send Melina face-first to the floor and Melina crawls under the ring. Trish tries to follow, but Nitro advances on her. Melina comes out of the ring behind Trish and takes her down from behind. Trish takes a beating and gets pinned for two in the ring. Melina tries a cross face next and switches to a front headlock, but Melina fisherman suplex with the bridge for two. Trish takes some gut shots in the corner, but Trish turns the tables for the Stratusphere. Forearms lead into the headscissors and Trish picks up two off a spine buster. Trish signals for Stratusfaction, but gets shoved into Nitro. She gets hung on the ropes and Melina rolls her up for three.
Nitro grabs Trish after and Carlito attacks him. Double Lou Thesz press gets double mounted punching and double dropkicks to send Melina and Nitro tucking tail. We go to Edge in his hotel asking if their room had USA network. He insults the front desk clerk and tells him off about everything from his job to his haircut. The man then proceeds to jizz in their room service. (maybe that didn’t happen). They run a thing about the Diva Search, I didn’t care. But apparently you can text vote now like American Idol. Commercials please save us!
Random Commercial Thought: Our weights are smooth! Buy us! We’ve been advertising this piece of shit for TEN YEARS!!!
Back to the show. DX still isn’t here, oh the intrigue! The Highlanders are back and want to talk about corn when Striker interrupts. He and Conway are here to wrestler damnit!
The Highlanders vs. Rob Conway & Matt Striker
Striker pulls out bearded warrior’s legs out from under him and all and all out-wrestles him all over the place. Striker tag in Conway who uses power shots to beat Rory down, but Rory turns the table and catches him with a reverse elbow. Rory starts slamming Conway’s head into the turnbuckle and Robby tags in. Conway takes a running Battering ram attack from Robby. For some reason King’s Scottsman impersonation is a pirate voice. Robby gets two and beats Conway down some more. Conway gets caught on the second rope and Rory sticks his head between his thighs to choke him out on it. Rory tags back in and Conway takes the Scott Drop while Striker just watches them pin him.
Winners: The Highlanders
We get a quick segment with Flair and go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: What? I had things to do. Like your sister.
Back to the show. Flair comes out to talk about how he proved Foley is a stuntman when he couldn’t outwrestle him. Foley eventually interrupts him on the Titan Tron to shoot on Flair full-on. I can’t really describe how great this promo is. It’s probably the single best promo we have seen all year and I suggest you find a word for word transcript of it or watch it on Tiva, it’s that damn good. Flair stands stunned after this and tells him to quite crying, stripping his coat, is he gonna beat the hell out of the screen? He tells Foley to come out so they can go hardcore and he wishes he stomped his ear to the ground. Instead, Heyman comes to the ring.
Heyman says Flair never wrestled in ECW and he likes to call Hardcore, Entertainment. He arranged footage for Flair to see the new ECW champion. Heyman then introduces the Big Show who comes to the ring with his first world title in years and a pimping new suit. Big Show says there is only one man who has ever one all three titles and that’s him. He says there is nothing more extreme than standing in an ECW ring and looking him in an eye (I’m pretty sure Tiddly Winks is more extreme). He challenged Flair to an ECW title match. Flair accepts. They stare down (and up) and Heyman distracts Flair from behind so Show can gets him from behind with his new Sleeper Breaker.
We go to the back with Vince and Shane getting ready when Eugene knocks on their door and apologizes. They say they aren’t offended or mad and he feels a lot better. They say they have a present for him. It’s a new DX shirt. I’m sorry, but that shirt blows....okay, I’m not sorry at all. Anyway, they slime Eugene then club him onto the couch and beat him down, slamming him into the wall. Eugene then gets a grown man swirly. Let’s flush out some commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Pirates debuts this Saturday on USA and I heard the sequel was damn good.
Back to the show, they replay Flair getting pwn3d!!11! On Unlimited we found out Candice will dance with Kelly this week. Oh yay...
Viscera and Haas are here.
Viscera vs. Charlie Haas (Battle for Lillian!)
Viscera sends Haas to the ropes and slaps his chest, crimpling him to the mat to stand on him with his weight. Haas regains the advantage and gets standing ten punches (make it 9) Haas gets tossed off. Haas rolls to the apron as Lillian looks all worried for Haas’ ass-beating. Haas manages to drops Viscera to a knee and goes up top with a missile dropkick for two when Viscera throw shim off and out of the ring. Haas NAILS Viscera when he gets back in and opens with rights. Bossman slam leads to Viscera telling Lillian that’s for her. He bump and grinds at her then corner crushes Hass, but Charlie dodges. Lillian gets a mic and tells them to stop. She says they don’t need to do this, she just wants to be their friend. Haas rakes Viscera’s eyes, blinding him, but Lillian steps between them. Blind Viscera can’t tell the difference between a grown man and a hot bitch and Samoan drops Lillian.
Winner: No Contest
Haas is pissed for a moment, then they realize that she dumped them and both laugh and leave. We go to Edge at the hotel bar. He tells someone to piss off and they toast his title. We then see the Diva Search contestants headed to the ring. Oh God...
Random Commercial Thought: Help! Help us!
Now we do the Diva Search, but instead. I’ve decided we’ll turn these into educational segments with excerpts from Great Literature! (Huzzah!....what?) This week: The Final Problem by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock Holmes.
"It is with a heavy heart that I take up my pen to write these the last words in which I shall ever record the singular gifts by which my friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes was distinguished. In an incoherent and, as I deeply feel, an entirely inadequate fashion, I have endeavored to give some account of my strange experiences in his company from the chance which first brought us together at the period of the "Study in Scarlet," up to the time of his interference in the matter of the "Naval Treaty"--and interference which had the unquestionable effect of preventing a serious international complication. It was my intention to have stopped there, and to have said nothing of that event which has created a void in my life which the lapse of two years has done little to fill. My hand has been forced, however, by the recent letters in which Colonel James Moriarty defends the memory of his brother, and I have no choice but to lay the facts before the public exactly as they occurred. I alone know the absolute truth of the matter, and I am satisfied that the time has come when on good purpose is to be served by its suppression. As far as I know, there have been only three accounts in the public press: that in the Journal de Geneve on May 6th, 1891, the Reuter's despatch in the English papers on May 7th, and finally the recent letter to which I have alluded. Of these the first and second were extremely condensed, while the last is, as I shall now show, an absolute perversion of the facts. It lies with me to tell for the first time what really took place between Professor Moriarty and Mr. Sherlock Holmes."
That’s all we have.
We go to the back with The McMahons taking Hacksaw Jim Duggan with a chair for little reason other than to beat up Hacksaw Jim Duggan, which is fine with me. Commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Where have all the good commercials gone?
Orton cuts a quick promo on Orton.
Val Venis vs. Randy Orton
Val Venis comes out, gets an RKO and gets pinned.
Orton goes on after the ‘match’ saying he’s looking forward to officially introducing himself to Brooke too. We go to the hotel room with Edge and Lita getting room service. They bitch out the bellhop. He demands Champagne. He gives him three minutes to get it (Umaga then beats his ass). Commercials again.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m a gangsta out of love...probably cause all my gals get whacked.
Back to the show. They pimp the card for SNME. We go to Edge’s hotel room where Cena bursts into the room and beats the hell of Edge. He eventually takes the belt and clocks him with it, leaving him to lie there with it on him. Then we go to commercial after that weird USA announcer guy pimps the main event.
Random Commercial Thought: Text now or die!
Back to the show. Vince and Shane arrive. Vince introduces Eugene. Eugene comes out, but the Squad interrupts his entrance.
Eugene vs. Vince McMahon & Shane McMahon (No DQ Handicap Tag Match)
They turn it into a No DQ match with the Squad beating Eugene up on the outside and Shane on the inside. Vince stands on the apron with a mic and calls the action. He asks if Eugene is laughing and nobody is laughing (literally). Shane crushes Eugene and gets a one count when Eugene hulk’s up (and since he’s green already it makes sense). Eugene does the Hogan combo on Shane and gets the big boot. Eugene taunts, but The Squad takes care of him before the leg drop of DOOM. The Squad beats him down and gives him High Spirits. They go to leg drop him through a table when DX arrives on the ramp. Vince tries to get them to stand in the middle of the ramp, but they keep moving to certain sides. They play it up and Vince says "How now brown cow" when they are finally sitting there. He keeps saying now and nothing happens until they step further. It was a net. (I will NOT be beaten by a tiny NET). Eugene then rolls up Vince for three.
Hunter laughs his ass off as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Shelton/Cena was actually good, so I guess I’ll put it here, but I’d like to know where Kane seems to have migrated to recently.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva Search. Need I say more?
Eugene Award: Diva Search. I think I’ll just leave them with this for a while.
I smell something on the BBQ and it sure as hell ain’t Team Spirit. Smells more like a big flaming pile of
Welcome back. I hope you all enjoyed Gershon and I switching up this past week since now I’m CURSED to be
back on Raw. At any rate, here we are and we have BIG NEWS.
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
Oh, and Stephanie went into labor, ensuring a McMahon and Hunter-free show even though the preview on my satellite is "What is next for DX and the McMahon" and with three fourths of those people missing, what are they going to do? Let’s find out.
Show opens with theme, pyro and King and JR leading to the DX theme. Michaels is out, but Hunter is of course not which JR plays up. Michaels dances and tries to work up the crowd, but they seem generally apathetic. Shawn tries to put his arm around an invisible Hunter. He says many of us may now a few weeks ago he and Hunter pulled a prank on the McMahon a few weeks ago when they told them Stephanie was in labor. He says it was a lie and as it would seem however, life imitates art and at this very moment, Stephanie McMahon is in a hospital in Connecticut giving birth. He says Hunter is secretly there and just might know who the father is. He says that even though only half of DX is here tonight he promises twice the fun when Coach’s theme plays. Couch makes his way out with his Motorola (PRODUCT PLACEMENT W00T!). He’s on the phone with Vince saying that he hates to burst Shawn’s bubble and just because the McMahons aren’t here doesn’t mean he can run amuck and Shawn wants to know why. It’s because Coach is in charge which worked so well last time.
Shawn snatches the phone to talk to Vince. He says he’s pretty sure they don’t want Vince using that language in a delivery room and then holds the phone for Vince to hear Cleveland say suck it. He then tells Vince they said hi and the boos aren’t for him. Shawn proceeds to give Lamaz lesson and says Vince sounds pretty mad before handing the phone back. Coach tries to apologize while Shawn follows him around on the phone to keep him from turning away. Coach receives his orders from Master Control Program. Shawn wonders if Vince asked about him, but he didn’t he only mentioned him. Shawn has a match tonight against, but Shawn guesses what it will be. He guesses Squad 5 on 1. The match turns out to be Coach and Michaels 1 on 1. Shawn gives a dead pan stare worthy of John Stewart. Shawn proceeds to laugh his ass off as we go to a segment of Randy Orton RKOing the Hulkster and then off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Form the studio that brought you severed feet and gouged out eyes, comes The Decent. Who don’t even wanna know what we cut out this time.
Back to the show. Squad is here and so are the Scots and we are off!
The Highlanders vs. World Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad (World Tag Team Title Match)
Rory starts off Kenny and Kenny gets the early advantage with some blocks until he eats turnbuckle hard. Kenny tags out to Mikey who is the buffer of the two at least so he looks to stand a better chance. Rory counter early punches and body slams Rory. Robbie tags in and Rory body slams him onto Mikey. Mikey kicks out at two and all four men are in the ring. The Squad member take mounted punching in opposite corner then up the skirt. After things get back on track, Robbie eats it for two in a double team.
Double teaming ensues in the Squad’s corner on Robbie. Rory blind tags while Robbie counters off the ropes into a neckbreaker, but the ref missed it. Rory has to tag in again and cleans house with elbows. Back body drop for Kenny and then Mikey Eats a Rock Bottom into a Backbreaker. The Ref gets distracted when the Highlanders attempt the Scott drop allowing Kenny to hit the old Test Driver on Rory for three.
Winners: The Squad
Special Match "Fact": you’re the hot new tag team...now job damn you! Job like you’ve never jobbed before!
Foley cuts another pretty awesome promo on Flair that once again I am not going to recap because it is worth taking the time to see the actual transcript of it or even better, the actual footage. On to Commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: NOOO! John Tucker must LIVE! I love him!....what? Too gay?
Back to the show. They run a This Week in Wrestling History of flair against Funk. Flair comes out to mock what happened to Foley’s hero even though Foley was wrestling AGAINST Funk just a few weeks ago last I checked. Edge interrupts to come out and declare himself the man and I just remembered right now he’s the champion. I had actually FORGOTTEN Edge was the champion just to show you how much I care about him. He calls himself the MVP and says he won’t listen when Johnny Nitro jumps Flair from behind. Flair counters, but Edge helps and they beat him down until Cena arrives and saves the day. nitro and Edge tuck tail as we go to the back with Carlito getting his Apple Mac on with Trish. He whispers Spanish into her ear and she looks sexed up but admits she doesn’t speak Spanish. He asks her out after his match and says something else in Spanish while Trish plays schoolgirl(*drools*) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Somehow I forgot to fill this one in, go figure.
Edge storms into Coach’s office demanding to have the issue of what just happened addressed while Coach is on the phone. He says he is more important because the title is the most important thing in the business. He holds up the title and says and I quote: "Look, it spins!" Coach tells them Vince made a tag team match for them and he has a match to get ready for. We go to ringside with Tard to discover Aurora Rose Levesque was born and thank GOD. She can’t be World champion as a girl....look for a sex change at the age of two.
We go to a rematch for the #1 Contendership which I think is the first time I’ve ever seen a rematch for that.
Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Shelton Benjamin (#1 Contender’s Rematch)
Carlito opens early with the Million Dollar Knee lift and quickly picks up two. We get to the two trying to suplex each other over the top rope, but Shelton counters, hammer locking Carlito and sending him shoulder first into the ring post. Shelton hits an arm bar takedown and picks up two on Carlito when JR actually says and I quote: Shelton has OWNED Carlito so far. (PWN3D!!11!).
Shelton rakes the eyes when Carlito tries to power back form an arm bar, but Carlito attacks with a standing hurricanrana. They both sock each other in the face for a bit until Shelton goes low and comes off the ropes into a face buster for two. Carlito picks up two more and whips Shelton into the corner only to get countered. Carlito tries a dropkick and heads to the turnbuckle, going up top. Shelton leaps to the top, but Carlito shoves him back off and comes off directly into an arm breaker. The hold looks more like the rings of Saturn. Crowd is hot for Carlito as he makes the ropes. Carlito pulls off a sunset flip for two and Shelton counters the Apple Jack. Shelton drags him out of the corner only to actually eat the Apple Jack for two when Shelton places his foot on the rope.
Shelton drags himself to his feet and removes the turnbuckle cover while Carlito and the ref argue a three. Shelton only gets it loosened. and Carlito removes it. The ref catches him and begins to put it back. In the background, Carlito dodges the dragon whip, but Shelton counters into a monkey flip to the ref. Carlito block killing the ref and Carlito summersault backward over Shelton in an awesome display only for Shelton to kick him in the nuts with a back kick for three.
Special Match "Fact": The Rings of Saturn were known as the Ring of Stretch in some WWE Smackdown! games.
They replay Diva DDR on Smackdown as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Do not abduct cows. I am cow. hear me moo. I weigh twice as much as you and I look good on the Bar-b-que.
Back to the show. Hogan is here. When he’s finally done taunting and entering and tearing his shirt and once his tits stop jiggling, I clock it all at about six minutes. I love the crowd shot of the man on his 1980s style of large cell phone while he pumps his fist like a fucking Black Panther. Also the skinny white guy on the front row needs to put a shirt ON. Hogan cuts his usual crap and says Orton is in a hell of a lot of trouble. He says Orton’s thing happened right here n the main event which I hate to break it to him as actually a different show. Orton makes his way out after a bit to rattle about Brooke while I yaaaaawwwwwn. He talks about what Brooke thought about him. Hogan eventually invites Orton to come bring it right now since he has his gear on and the crowd is hot for Hogan, but Orton ducks back off the apron as soon as Hogan lunges at him. Randy retreats around the ring looking for his opportunity. He eventually falls back form the ropes and RIGHT INTO KING’S GROPING HAND ON HIS ASS. Orton swings and bats at him to escape the Brokeback love and into the ring he goes. Hogan punches him a few times, but Orton ducks out when the big Boot comes. We go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Psycho Suicide Death from the Grave!...Part 6.
Back to the show. They replay what happened in the Diva Tag Match last week and we go to Mickie and Candice.
Women Champion Mickie James vs. Candice Michelle (Non-Title Match)
Mickie tackles Candice and kicks her in the gut then goes totally dominatrix (if you're into that sort of thing) and picks up two. Candice fights free of a headlock with elbows, but Mickie shuts that down and sends her to the corner with shoulderblocks to the midsection. Mickie places Candice up top and Candice grabs the hair to whips her around and locks her into the hangman’s headscissors over the rope. Candice does the Go Daddy dance and goes up top coming off with a cross body that Mickie rolls through with tights for the win.
Special Match "Fact": Tits and Ass is the name of a song from a musical. It’s also known as Danced Ten Looks Two.
After that they pimp Coach/Michaels and ship us off to more tasty Commercials. (Filling and Delicious!)
Random Commercial Thought: I lost my Virginity to a Bowflex.
Back to the show where Shawn complains that Coach messed with his pyro. He says he’ll be playing the part of Triple H, playing the part of Michael Buffer. Coach interrupts the horrible impersonation with his entrance.
Shawn Michaels vs. Jonathan Coachman
Shawn puts on rubber head gear for some reason and goes to town on Coach with lefts and rights in the corner, ducking him. He then pantses Coach and I scream in absolute horror. Shawn ditches the skullcap and Coach gets his pants on. Coach gains the advantage with a thumb to the eye and gets clobbered anyway. Shawn hits the inverted atomic drop and eats more canvas. It must taste good. Shawn hits his elbow drop and goes for a superkick but Three Squad member run in only to get owned. Some Sweet Chin Music crushes the third while the other two go over the ropes. Shawn tunes up the band and crushes Coach only for Umaga to comes from behind and Samoan drop him for the DQ.
Special Match "Fact": Uuuumagaaaaa!
The Squad goes for High Spirits, but Umaga chases them off to do the Samoan Spike himself. Commercial time bitches.
Random Commercial Thought: 80’s is in Supercuts, get with the picture!
Back to the show. We go to JR and King "discussing" what just happened and John Cena accusing Maria of eating paint chips when she was little. He basically insults every single person on the roster and it’s pretty funny but for his bit about Nitro and Melina, so I’ll give him a B for comedic value. They pimp the match and the divas (how appropriate) as we go to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Okay, so is the thing now to put HORRIBLE songs as movie themes now or is it just me?
Back to the show. King threw a ball. Yay for him. They do the divas and they come out and...oh look! A butterfly! Let’s watch it.
*Flutter flutter flutter*
*flutter flutter flutter*
*flutter flutter SQUISH*
And we’re back! And we’re off to commercials, I don’t even know who got eliminated and I’m sure you don’t care.
Random Commercial Thought: I will be in fucking LINE to buy Final Destination 3 tonight.
Back to the show. Nitro and Melina are here and so are Edge and Lita as we await Cena to arrive with his own pair of big tits. Ah there they are, here’s Flair, followed by Cena.
WWE Champion Edge & Johnny Nitro w/ Melina & Lita vs. Ric Flair & John Cena
Nitro starts off with Flair and we have a chop fest until Flair tosses Nitro out. Edge hops in and Cena hops in to own Edge and send him out. Flair beats the hell out of Nitro and tosses him from the ring as well. Flair struts like a cock (HA!) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Monkey Paste.
Back to the show. Cena is getting DENIED in Edge’s corner as the announce crew argues of whether he is Toby Keith or not. (O.o). Nitro tags in and stomps away at Cena in a corner, missing a hip thrust that allow Flair to make the tag. Flair chops Nitro to hell and back. Nitro backdrops Nitro and I fear for what JR says might be true that Flair is as good as he ever was because then I’d have to argue his greatness. Flair lock on a figure four and Edge breaks it up. Cena misses his own run in, going over the top and Edge tags in to land a spear on Flair, but Cena comes in to break it up.
Nitro and Flair are back at it and Flair takes a slopping neckbreaker. Flair goes back on offense with chops, but misses a chop that JR calls a clothesline. Nitro hits an actual clothesline and Edge and Nitro double reverse elbow on the Nature Boy. Edge is in now and he stares down Cena to taunt him in so Nitro can annihilate Flair on the outside with the ref’s back turned. nitro sends Flair back in for an Edge assault. Edge comes off the top into a chop from Flair that decks him. They make the tags and Cena goes his usual offense on Nitro with the Protobomb and the Five knuckle shuffle, but Lita distracts the ref for Edge to hit Cena in the back with a chair when he comes off the ropes. Cena kicks out at two. Still, Suddenly Cena has Nitro in the STFU and Flair grabs Edge’s foot to keep him from breaking it up.
Winners: Flair and Cena
Special match "Fact": Terry Funk used to have hair....I know, I was surprised too!
Highlight of the Night: Great Shelton/Carlito match, way better than the previous encounter even. I enjoyed it.
Lowlight of the night: Hmm....Maybe the Randy Orton ass groping...yeah, I think that beats the divas.
Eugene Award: The highlanders JOB?! After all that they job right off the bat. How GAY is that?
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).