Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

RAW RANT ARCHIVE (January 2009)

Navigation:
January 05, 2009
January 12, 2009
January 19, 2009
January 26, 2009

WWE RAW RANT: (01/05/09) By Cameron Burge
 
It’s the first Raw of 2009! You know what that means? That means absolutely the same fucking shit as every year before! Yaaaaay! If you haven’t already, you should check out the TWF Fanny Awards, the biggest event the TWF staff has to offer you heathens. Yours Truly was absent from them this year. I blame miscommunication and the communists, but you should certainly be checking out the funny comments from all of our other “hard” working staff (more like hardly working ‘mirite?). It’s another year of Raw and another year of the staus quo, me! Aren’t you lucky bastards?

Raw 01.05.09

Tonight we are live from New Orleans and after the crowd is done swimming and looting their way to the arena we get the show underway with a recap of how JBL won last week. Orton and Jericho are in the ring demanding JBL and HBK should be tossed to the side for cheating and that they should compete with each other for the title shot instead. Jericho is eventually interrupted by JBL. Michaels gets out of the limo as well. I love how from a distance all you see is two cowboy hats. Everyone argues and about the situation while HBK’s microphone fucks up a lot. He’s apparently happy that he got to screw over Orton and Jericho personally. Then Triple H must be the happiest person ever. Orton says Ric Flair’s career was ended by a weak, pathetic sell-out.

Stephanie interrupts with her shittastic music that rises from the bowels of El Diablo. She notes that Michaels was hit by an actual move and not just a fall so the decision stands. That makes perfect sense. She says they can argue all they want but it’s her show. Apparently the sound system is just ass tonight. She says Jericho and Orton are auto-in for the Rumble at least. Jericho demands HBK should not be in the Rumble. Jericho gets to stretch his speech skills and uses the word axiomatic. JBL says Michaels will not be in the Rumble but will instead be his corner man in the Rumble. She makes a match of Michaels and Cena against Orton and Jericho to test Michaels’ integrity. Michaels decides to practice his 80’s sitcom “uh-oh” face.

Random Commercial Thought: Lord of the Rings warriors are weak to small brooks.

Back to the show where we get a recap of the Melina/Beth fight and interruption by Beth’s biggest fan. Melina and Goldust are teaming up and this is a lot of fucking gold in the ring. Beth’s Fan is at ringside again.

Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix & Santino Marella vs. Goldust & Melina

Beth and Melina start us off and Melina delivers some big mounted punches until Beth runs her over. Beth works the arm over. Melina slaps Santino when he comes in and strips his manly shirt. Goldust comes in and delivers some crotch shots. I don’t mean shots to the crotch, I mean shots with his crotch as a weapon. Goldust delivers some clotheslines after a headlock and hisses and barks at Beth at ringside. Santino is sent to the floor as Melina comes in only to be hoisted to corner by Beth. Melina catches her in a head scissors and kicks her in the face before delivering a top rope face buster. Melina rolls over into a bridge for the three.
Winner: Melina

The bitch at ringside decides to throw down with Melina but Melina isn’t going down, tackling her as security is taking her away. This reminds me of the time a fan tried to push Eddie Guerrero off the ladder.

Random Commercial Thought: Hold down the fire button to shoot cubes of bullets.

Back to the show. CM Punk is shooting to win another title now, becoming the first person to win the World, Tag, and IC belts all in a year…except it’s 2009 now so all that hype they did that it would happen is beyond pointless.

CM Punk vs. Intercontinental Champion William Regal w/ Layla (IC-title Match)

Punk starts off strong and Regal dodges the Pepsi One in the corner. He goes to the floor where Punk tries to attack through the ropes but Regal pulls Layla in the way, getting in some titty groping like a real man while he’s at it. Punk halts and for his trouble gets tripped up, hitting his face on the edge. Back in the ring, Regal bashes Punk around picking up a two count and locking on a full nelson. Punk escapes, turning the tides to send Regal to the corner and catch him with the Pepsi One. Punk tries to land the GTS but Regal holds the ropes. Punk pulls him away and Regal grabs the ref, refusing to let go until he is disqualified.
Winner: Punk

Punk is rightfully pissed, but Stephanie declares a rematch to take place because this was the first title match of the year. DQ will result in a title change.

Random Commercial Thought: I just saw the most random movie preview ever that was just a scene preview that didn’t even give us the title of the goddamn film. It took the entire fucking commercial break.

Back to the show where JBL says he will make Shawn Michaels rich if he sets Cena up to take everyone’s finishers and a soccer kick from Orton so that he forfeits the title to JBL. Not like Orton and Jericho are pissed at him or anything and would rather not help him. This plan is absolutely flawless. In the back Orton has Rhodes and Sim and demands they win another match to stay in. Captain Afro demands a second try because Orton lost last week too. Orton tells him to fuck off sideways. Oh hey it’s that guy, what’s his name, Rolf Niggler?

Random Commercial Thought: There are over 200 ways to kill a man instantly. One of them is to make him watch Zombie Strippers.

Miz and Morrison arrive as we come back to inform New Orleans they recently became the Murder Capitol of the US. They are taking on Rey and Kofi. We get info that Rey is in the Rumble already as he comes to the ring. Kofi is announced as being in too. I think Kofi should wrestle in the pants, they look cooler than his goofy green trunks. They remind me of the Green Hornet ones Rhodes used to sport.

Kofi Kingston & Rey Mysterio vs. World Tag Team Champions The Miz & John Morrison (Non-title Match)

Kingston tosses Miz to the floor early and fakes him out with a suicide dive that sends him springing back off the ropes. Yes yes, very nice, but now it’s commercial time.

Random Commercial Thought: Mall cops scare me.

Back to the show where Miz used the awesome power of television to take over during the break on Rey Mysterio. Rey Rey jumps over the Miz out of a corner toss and tags out to Kingston who leaps in with a kick. He sets up his usual series of moves for the Boom Boom Boom, but Morrison is on the apron. Kingston slides through the ropes and sends Morrison to the floor, taking care of Miz as well, but when he goes up top he’s dumped by Morrison on his leg. Miz works the legs over ad Morrison tags in to do the same. Lots and lots of hitting the leg now, nothing to really write home about. I suppose you could write home about it if you wanted to, but your mom might be very confused and think something is wrong with you.

Miz works a front headlock for good measure because he seems to have forgotten where the leg is located on the human body. Miz takes a back body drop after he tosses Mysterio off the apron, but Rey doesn’t make it back up for the tag before Miz shuts Kingston back down. Morrison is back in now and he tries to get a pin out of a knee to the face. Kingston tries to make a break for it again but is once again dragged back and double teamed on the knee. Miz is back in now, trying to superplex Kingston, but gets tossed off and eats a dropkick instead. Rey is in finally and kicks Morrison around before nailing a head scissors. Rey flips out of a sunset flip into a dropkick and picks up a two count. Mysterio tries for his body scissor to bulldog, but Morrison counters it into a slam for two. Rey flips onto the top rope out of a grab and rolls out into a DDT for the two. Miz breaks it up but Mysterio flips to the apron allowing Kingston to take Miz outside
with a cross body. Morrison eats the 619 and Miz is disposed of again only for Morrison to be able to get a kick in on Rey’s leap into the ring, picking up the pin.
Winners: Miz & Morrison

Post match, Mike Knox also known as the guy who used to date Kelly Kelly, put on a bunch of weight and grew a beard, attacks Rey and beats the shit out of him. He racks him on the ropes and kicks him to the floor. In the back, Cena approaches Shawn about their match and he demands to know if he has to fight two or three guys. He wants to know if he’s teamed with HBK or JBL’s puppet. Shawn asks him to think about what history tells him to expect. I’m betting on kick in the face.

Random Commercial Thought: The greatest movie idea is Ronald Reagan killing hippies with an axe. How David Arquette manages to fuck up that idea is beyond me. Kelly Kelly is out to face Jillian Hall’s horrible singing. I’m pretty sure she lost.

Kelly Kelly vs. Jillian Hall

Kelly Kelly gets worked over early and put on the apron but Jillian lets her back in…only to kick her in the kidney. How nice. Jillian continues to kick her around for a two count. She crushes Kelly’s head with a foot and pulls her by the hair. Jillian summons her best Xena yell and puts on a full nelson. Nelson should go on a diet. Kelly does a back flip out of a foot catch and her yelling head scissors before delivering a top rope cross body for two. Kelly continues to scream a lot for no reason and gets another one count. Kelly manages to forget to kick out after Jillian catches her out of a victory roll. The ref pretends she did kick out though even though she does so incredibly late. Kelly lands a guillotine leg drop off the middle rope shortly thereafter for three.
Winner: Kelly

Jillian attacks after the match and Kane arrives. He talks some shit on her about Orton rejecting her, telling her it doesn’t feel very good. He says next week he’ll go back to doing what makes him feel good. Masturbate? Apparently it’s eviscerating people. He has a match with Orton next week. Could someone tell me the last time he actually eviscerated someone, and See No Evil does not count by the way.

Random Commercial Thought: The new call of duty if broken.

Back to the show where Rhodes and Snuka have to take on Cryme Tyme to prove themselves further.

Cryme Tyme vs. Sim Snuka & Cody Rhodes

Sim and JTG start us off with Sim being tossed out of a wait lock. JTG tries a suplex but Snuka catches a small package for two. JTG comes back with a flip over shoulder block for two. I’m still trying to figure out how flipping hurt your opponent instead of yourself. Snuka comes back with a sharp kick to the midsection. JTG comes back with dropkicks. Snuka makes a tag and Rhodes tags in only to get his ass kicked as well but Snuka delivers a cheap shot to allow Rhodes to make a come back. Rhodes sets up for a double team with Snuka that is the lamest double team ever. It basically amounts to Snuka running and falling on the opponent with his face. JTG comes back with a rape around clothesline.

Shad finally gets the tag and runs over Rhodes several times over. I run on Roads usually, but I guess Rhodes work too. Big scoop slam sets up for a Money Money yeah yeah elbow drop. How many people have these things now? Cody dodges a corner charge after Shad dumps Snuka, making Shad hit himself on the ringpost. JTG tags in and delivers a sunset flip for two. Rhodes switches up his DDT into a sort of Test Drive like move for the win.
Winners: Rhodes & Snuka

Has anyone else noticed Cody Rhodes has gone through tag team partners this last year like they are candy?

Random Commercial Thought: Your step mom killed your mom.

Back to the show where Randy Orton lets Rhodes into the group because he made the pin. Snuka now looks like the goat. Stephanie is talking elsewhere with Santino and Beth about their fan. I had to put up with my sister’s stupid comments and thus I have no idea what was said but Santino was dragged off by his neck hair. Jericho approaches to tell Stephanie that Vince is coming back in two weeks to have a McMahon showdown. Oh yay. Someone help me, please God.

Random Commercial Thought: The perfect date movie is apparently anything involving a miner killing people with a pick axe?

Back to the show where I actually was able to spend something along the lines of ten minutes working on other things before all the participants actually got here for the match.

World Heavyweight Champion John Cena & Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho & Randy Orton

Jericho ties up with Cena and works him down to the ground with a headlock. Oh yay. My sister pointed out that the body definitions of everyone else in the ring make Jericho look like a Pillsbury dough boy. Cena breaks free and puts on his own headlock. Cena freaks out as Shawn comes into the ring making him think that he’s going to get kicked. It’s all a fake out as JBL comes to ringside.

Random Commercial Thought: My sister thinks Cena is “cute”.

Shawn is being worked over by Orton, but he makes the tag and Orton takes the general Cena offense and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Michaels stops Jericho from coming in and Cena gets his eyes raked. Cena accidentally hits Shawn with Orton and they get in each others faces. Orton gets in a cheap shot as Shawn is ushered from the ring and the heels pick up the two. Jericho and Orton take turns distracting the ref and working Cena over on the outside, slamming him into the table. Jericho slingshots into the ring back inside and lands on Cena for two. Half Nelson from Jericho but Cena scoops him up into an FU only to be countered into a DDT for two.

Cena gets worked over by Orton now who stalking stomps (the stomps are coming from inside the house) and chokes Cena out in the corner. Jericho comes back in the ring and Cena tries to come back only to be put in a sleeper hold. This is changed up to the rear naked choke. I think when that move is done from the front it should be called the Full Frontal Nudity. Cena breaks free and gets run over by a clothesline in the corner. Cena counters a superplex with a Guillotine leg drop and even though this was enough to win a match for Kelly Kelly, Cena’s is apparently weak ass. Cena doesn’t make the tag though before Orton drags him away for a two count. Michaels finally makes the tag after Cena breaks up Orton. Michaels looks to go for Cena but Jericho attacks. Shawn delivers a clothesline and the nip up. Jericho counters and tries for a lionsault only to land on Michaels’ knees.

Michaels delviers the elbow drop but misses entirely. Jericho tries for the Walls and Michaels counters with a rollup only to be broken up by Orton. Orton catches Cena with an inverted neck breaker but Michaels super kicks Orton and Jericho. Cena backs away as Michaels pins Jericho.
Winner: Michaels

JBL is in the back watching on TV, making me wonder why he didn’t bother to stay out and watch it on the ring entrance. He says he’s putting Michaels in a match against Cena next week.

Highlight of the Night: Was there one? Well, I’d have to pick the highlight of the night being The Diva’s tag match. That is actually kind of sad when I think about it.

Lowlight of the Night: Kelly Kelly fucks up her match big time. What happened to all that stuff she learned?

WWE “Creative” Award: Orton is in three separate storylines right now. Why the hell is that?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 

WWE RAW RANT: (01/12/09) By Cameron Burge

<
 
Welcome back to the Best Damn Raw, Period. We cover the only industry not getting a bail out in today’s society. Sure, Ron Jeremy deserves one, but not anyone else. I’ve got nothing else to say here really other than the fact that I’ll be surviving tonight with a friend of mine and a case of whiskey. Let the good times roll.

Raw 01.12.09

Show opens with a creepy backseat session between Shawn and JBL. Nothing important is said really so who gives a shit. We get theme now, but no pyro, instead we celebrate the opening with a fat bitch. Stephanie comes out to talk but all I hear is Blah blah blah. Jericho interrupts her saying she lied about not being able to wait for Vince’s return. He says Vince will right her wrongs and give him what he wants. Oral sex? Stephanie says it is her show and he tells her to think that all she wants. She says he better win the Royal Rumble if he wants a shot. He also demands a shot at the title and won’t compete in the ring until he gets one. He then throws a temper tantrum all over the ring. He says the Real McMahon is coming back. Will the Real McMahon please stand up? She takes away his ability to compete all together by firing his ass. Sadly I typed she would fire him several minutes before it actually happened. I’m either psychic or wrestling is a
 bit too predictable these days. Kind of like that blind date you had where you know the ending is going to be your pocket being lighter and your balls being heavier.

Random Commercial Thought: WWE Films. Oscar winners. You heard it here first.

Back to the show where we get a recap of what just happened like we’re watching Naruto. And now a Miz match. Yeah, I know, I’m excited too.

Rey Mysterio vs. World Tag Team Champion The Miz

They tie up with Rey getting run down by a shoulder block. He comes back with a dropkick. Miz powers back with a corner crushing clothesline for two. Meanwhile, we find out that The Miz cannot live without his cell phone. Therefore I propose the secret to defeating him would be to steal it and cover him while he’s dead. He also has 30,000 friend on his My Space or some shit. Meanwhile, Miz is getting his ass literally kicked. Miz delivers a face buster, but Mysterio comes back with a toe kick and a plancha for two. 619 bombs but Mysterio rolls through and gets a sunset flip. Miz rolls over for the two. Mysterio starts to come back and sets up a botched head scissors into an equally botched 619 into the splash for the win.
Winner: Mysterio

As I predicted to my friend before the match, Knox shows up and beats Rey’s ass after the match. Mysterio fights back with some dropkicks and a head scissors to send him running. In the back, some bitch we don’t care about is talking to CM Punk, but he was too busy listening to something else because she wasn’t busy either sucking his dick or making him a sandwich.

Random Commercial Thought: I drive my expensive shit seriously as well. In fact, I fuck hot Asians WHILE I drive.

Back to the show for the IC title match, let’s do this shit.

CM Punk vs. Intercontinental Champion William Regal w/ Layla (IC Title Match)

Punk and Regal. I’m going to come right out and say this match is absolutely horrible. They do nothing but fuck up moves constantly. This is a botch fest to end all botch fests, not a single move was landed correctly and it only lasts a couple of minutes before Punk accidentally low blows Regal and gets disqualified.
Winner: Regal

After the match we see Cody in the back being accosted by Sim and whatever that fat guy’s name is. They say they are coming for Orton and bringing another second generation star with them so they better decide whose side they are on. I can only assume they plan to team up with Goldust. Yay?

Random Commercial Thought: Fighting Spirit, AKA Hajime No Ippo is back. Check that anime out or you are a bitch.

Back to the show where Regal is limping through the back, probably trying to ignore the fact that was some of the worst wrestling I have scene in quite a long while. He says he’s satisfied with his title defense, but Stephanie comes by to tell him she is not and that his third match will be no DQ at all. We get a video package of Austin to the song, Cult of Personality. I wouldn’t really say that. He’s the first inductee for this year’s Hall of Fame. In the back, Shawn Michaels is confronting JBL about John Cena. He says he can handle the match without him because he’s Mr. (lose at) Wrestlemania. Is memory serves me correctly he’s lost the vast majority of his matches to Cena in the past.

Random Commercial Thought: What I learned today. Men cannot compliment each other on their dicks.

As we come back we get another Vince McMahon video before learning that Mysterio and Knox will finally wrestle next week, or whatever it is Knox does that passes for wrestling.  Kane and Orton are out now to throw down.

Kane vs. Randy Orton

The match starts and Kane is beating Orton’s ass. He starts stomping into him, punching Orton around the ring before tossing him to the floor. Deciding that actually getting some time to see some wrestling would be too much, we back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Pink Panther is a misnomer.

Back to the show where Kane is in an Orton Lock. I just now bothered to notice Cody Rhodes is at ringside. I still don’t care, but I actually noticed. Orton stomps Kane down, delivering his stalking stomps to various body parts. Kane starts to power back and delivers several clotheslines in the corner, following with a side slam for two. I’m wondering at this moment why I am watching this match and why it is getting more time than anything else so far. Orton gets caught for a choke slam but he escapes with a neck breaker. Orton tries to follow with the RKO, but Kane throws him out and goes up top. Kane leaps off into a dropkick from Orton. Orton cover for only two, but the ref counts three despite the shoulder. Kane is pissed but whatever. It’s Kane.
Winner: Orton

After the match Sim and Fat Man show up with Ted Dibiase to come kick some ass.  Orton stands in the ring surrounded on all sides. Orton wonders whose side Rhodes is on as they get ready to rumble West Side Style…..Then Dibiase helps Orton and Rhodes. OMFG SWERVE?! NO WAI. RACE WAAAAR. Sim gets a Test Driver from Rhodes and Fat Man gets a Cobra Clutch leg sweep. After this we get an interview with Cena that is so unimportant I spent the entire segment discussing with my friend how the person who decided it’s okay to see an entire boob can be seen except the nipple, should be shot in the face with a nipple.

Random Commercial Thought: Still talking about titties. Bet you wish you were.

Back to the show where, speaking of titties, it’s time for a divas tag match. Melina is attacked by one of her photographers who is revealed to be that fan again. The heels then attack from behind with Jillian taking out Kelly and Beth slams Melina into the wall and they decide to not have the match at all. Man I have absolutely nothing to recap. Tonight. Raw. Is. Nothing. Beth rams a camera into her face as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: And now my friend has managed to be ran off by this horrible show. He made it so far though, round of applause everybody.

Back to the show where we get a video about Vince’s Hollywood walk of fame star. Let It Rock is the theme to the Royal Rumble because somebody hates me. In the back, Legacy is talking about there can only be one of them winning the rumble. A bunch of losers are parked outside Stephanie’s door for a Royal Rumble slot. Santino manages to secure one while Cryme Tyme asks for somebody to slap Ziggler.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve thought about hitting my mother with a bat to check if she is in reality a killer pinata but I think I might get arrested.

Back to the show. Hopefully this match will actually get to happen all the way. I swear this is going to be the shortest recap of all times and I apologize folks but there really hasn’t been anything to talk about. Much like Twilight. Lots of fluff that doesn’t mean shit. We still have to sit through a commercial for Behind Enemy Lines 3 before Michaels makes his casually walking entrance to the ring with JBL. John Cena isn’t far behind. He wants to start us off with a friendly handshake. Shawn wants to know if he bothered to wash it after the last time he masturbated first. He decides in the long run to risk the shake as we go to commercial. Damnit.

Random Commercial Thought: Women’s programming has been absolutely dominating the tube the last year or two. I need more drinking and titties.

Back to the show where they were kind enough to wait until we got back before starting the match. That was at least pretty nice of them.

Shawn Michaels w/ JBL vs. World Heavyweight Champion John Cena (Non-title Match)

It’s a classic show down between these two at the start. Shawn starts off quick, but Cena powers over and levels him with a clothesline. Shawn works the arm behind Cena before he powers back with an elbow and run Michaels down with a shoulder block. Cena  counters a hip toss with one of his own and tries for the STFU but Michaels kicks him off. Michaels leaps up and Cena ducks out of the way from Sweet Chin Music. Both men reset to neutral as Cena looks between Michaels and JBL. Cena works Michaels back to the corner before being reversed into the corner. Shawn doesn’t make the clean break before coming in with hard chops. Cena turns the table and fires back with hard rights. Shawn reverses again and delivers more chops. Cena comes back with a huge back body drop and clotheslines Michaels to the floor.

Back in the ring, Michaels delivers more chops, but Cena powers back once more, running him over with clotheslines. Cena turns Michaels inside out in the corner, following up with a bulldog for two. Cena tries for a fisherman’s suplex but Shawn slips out and locks in the Figure Four. Cena manages to roll it over and Michaels breaks. Michaels pushes Cena to the corner but is countered and tossed up onto the opposite turnbuckle. Cena kicks him up into the air and catches him for an FU, but Shawn slips free. Cena counters with a shoulder block and goes up top for the guillotine leg drop. You know, the women’s finisher. Shawn isn’t taking that pussy shit and Michaels catches him into the Crossface. Michaels stands still in the crossface but falls back down before finally dragging himself to the ropes.

Random Commercial thought: I finally saw a real commercial for Taken. I still have no idea why I should go see it. It looks pretty retarded.

Back to the show. During the break, Cena took over and is now delivering a side slam for a two count on Michaels. I’m not sure if this match is actually good, of if I’m just so starved for some actual wrestling by now that I’ll take whatever I can get, but at the moment it seems good to me. Cena finally gets the Fisherman’s Suplex this time and picks up a two count. Cena tries for the FU, but Michaels grabs the ropes. Cena switches up to a bear hug instead. Michaels manages to ram Cena into the turnbuckle to finally break it. Back to standing and Michaels delivers chops and punches. Cena fights back, but eats a flying clothesline. Michaels nips up delivers an atomic drop. He tries to deliver the scoop slam but Cena comes back with his shoulder block. He tries the proteome, but Michaels counters, delivering the scoop slam and going up top.

Cena meets Michaels up top and scoops Michaels onto his shoulders. Michaels escapes and slams Cena into a power bomb pin. Shawn picks up two and climbs up top for the elbow. He predictably hits absolutely nothing. Big fight ensues now as both men try to fight for control. Michaels out with Sweet Chin Music but Cena ducks and scoops him into a fast high FU. Cena only picks up the two count though. Cena drags Michaels up and eats a super kick, but kicks out as well. Michaels drags Cena up and gets scooped up. Michaels rolls through into the pin but only gets two. Cena counters with a drop toe hold into the STFU right in front of JBL. JBL pushes the rope some and HBK manages to grab it.

Big JBL sucks chants begins. Cena poses behind Michaels as he drags himself up and goes for the FU but Michaels escapes and pushes him to the ropes. JBL leaps up but Cena stops himself before meeting JBL, turning into the Sweet Chin Music for the win.
Winner: Michaels

Post match, JBL poses over Cena like a victorious Ronald Reagan. I only think it will be morning in America again if JBL starts axing hippies like Reagan does in The Tripper.

Highlight of the Night: The Main Event was definitely it. They managed to make the match interesting and a little less predictable. Not to mention it was the only real match anyway.

Lowlight of the Night: The Regal and Punk match was just awful. I can’t even begin to justify how bad they both did in the short while that match even lasted.

WWE “Creative” Award: Uhg, so much to choose. I think I will go with the “epic” Legacy swerve that makes no sense. Dibiase took getting punted in the head pretty well I guess.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


WWE RAW RANT: (01/19/09) By Cameron Burge
 
If you ever find yourself in an existential quandary, filled with loathing and self doubt, and racked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful existence, at least you can take some small bit of comfort that somewhere in this mixed up little universe of ours there is still a little place called The Best Damn Raw Rant, Period. The previous was totally not stolen from anywhere else at all. Not even. I am completely original. Welcome back everyone.

Raw 01.19.09

Show opens the return of Vince McMahon with something he believes in…Martin Luther King? I call bullshit. We then get a replay of Vince getting crushed by the stage. During his money give away. We get theme and pyro before Orton arrives for a Battle Royal Match with five other people. Speaking of the others, we got Kane and Kingston. Have I ever mentioned how much I enjoy Kingston? He’s an entertaining wrestler at least. Santino is in this match because apparently somebody forgot to book people who can actually wrestle. Maybe Sgt. Slaughter was busy? The last two are Rhodes and Dibiase who actually have a Priceless theme now. Can someone explain to me why there is a guy with a fishing pole in the audience.

6-man Battle Royal

The lights break as the match starts and everyone fights in the dark as King suggest maybe Kane is making a second entrance. Legacy teams up on Kane and beats him into the ground. Santino manages to take out Kingston for a bit who crawls in the corner slowly. Santino demands a shot at Kane and is unceremoniously dumped to the floor. Kingston gets gang banged. Kane takes out Orton from behind while Priceless dump Kingston. Kane then dumps Priceless but Dibiase manages to hang onto the apron while Orton gets choked over the ropes. Dibiase then eliminates himself and Kane to save Orton.
Winner: Orton

Wow. Shortest battle royal ever.

Random Commercial Thought: I thought they were called Lycanthropes and not just Lycans.

Back to the show where Kelly Kelly is here to lose to Beth Phoenix.

Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly (Non-title Match)

Kelly forces Beth against the rope but is forced to break and tossed to the ground. Kelly backflips out of a leg catch and Beth decides to just run her down with a shoulder block. Kelly is hoisted into a chicken wing and then face planted for three.
Winner: Phoenix

Orton is having some gay locker room session with Rhodes and Dibiase. Rhodes says the rumor is that after Sim and Manu talked to Steph she is going to fire Orton. Orton throws a temper tantrum and breaks the nearest hotel room lamp as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Samuel L Jackson is Generic Black Character with a sword!

Back to the show. WWE gave Bush a championship title belt. It was the gay spinning one if that makes anyone feel better. In the back, Santino got Beth a present in the back, it’s her biggest fan! Oh yay! She seems less than enthused. She says her dream is to be a diva and she wants to learn from her. She’s fantasying all over the floor by now. Santino asks if they can keep her. I think they need to potty train her. Beth says she’ll think about it. Santino tells her that he knows a way to impress Beth after she leaves.

Elsewhere, Orton comes to stalk over Steph who is rocking some bondage leather pants tonight….the night her Dad comes back….I am disturbed. She tells him to not worry about being fired and stop sucking up and get the fuck out. He notes he wasn’t sucking up (He’s taller, it would be sucking down). He says if anyone needs to worry about being fired, it’s her. He points out she wouldn’t be shit without her last name, which is perfectly true. He gets a slap for it and turns tail like a pussy.

Random Commercial Thought: When the fuck does Air Force One go on “Missions”? When they need to fly the president out to a Jack in the Box in the middle of the night?

Back to the show. CM Punk hauls a flag with him to the ring to mark the beginning of his best of Infinity series with William Regal. Layla is by Regal’s side, her phat ass following her to the ring a little bit later.

CM Punk vs. Intercontinental Champion William Regal w/ Layla (Intercontinental Championship No DQ Match)

Punk comes out of a headlock with a side dropkick before leveling Regal with a series of harsh kicks. Punk follows regal to the floor and gets caught by a knee to the gut. Regal tries a suplex but Punk escapes with a kick to send him into the ring post. Punk tosses Regal back to the ring where he picks up a two. Punk suplexes for another two. Punk starts to work over the arm with a rear arm bar, but Regal makes the ropes, only to realize there is no DQ as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I fire buttons off my pants with Hawkeye accuracy.

Back to the show where Punk has Regal locked into his rope tangled submission hold. Punk eventually breaks it after Layla gets involved. Regal proceeds to sandwich Punk’s head to the ring post with his foot. Regal now comes back with a full nelson but Punk breaks free and they begin to brawl. Punk comes in with a kick and Regal counters only to be hit by a full spin kick for two. Punk tries the Pepsi One but the bulldog is countered into a Full Nelson suplex from Regal. Regal picks up two of his own. Regal puts Punk up top only to be pushed back off and kicked to the floor like the kid and Santa Claus in a Christmas Story. Punk misses the cross body but scoops Regal into the GTS who tries to fight him off with elbows to the head but is finally dropped for the three.
Winner: Punk

We are now treated to a replay of Michaels from last week as we go to commercial. I really would have liked to forget last week ever happened, considering just how overly terrible the show was.

Random Commercial Thought: Every woman wants twice the beef.

Back to the show. Who the fuck is Jack Swagger and why is he ECW champion? King is in the ring to moderate the contract signing. JBL and Michaels are out first and it’s nice to see Shawn has worked on his bow-legged cowboy swagger to match JBL’s a little more. Cena is net an for the first time in a while they both sign the contract and everyone leaves happily. That was different…nah I’m just kidding. They exchange words and Cena tells JBL to piss off because he wants to talk to Michaels. There’s lots of long, boring talking here with JBL and Cena talking about Michaels as an employee. Eventually, Michaels tells him to shut up. He tells JBL off but says he’ll continue to do it before telling Cena to suck a cock because he’s not poor with a family. This segment goes on a lot longer than what my recap of it makes it sound like. It took almost a whole motherfucking episode of Seinfeld to get done with. HBK says he’s sorry about how Cena feels
 about it before decking him. Cena ducks a super kick but takes a kick from JBL and a clothesline from hell instead. I’ve always wondered if that is where the clothesline is really from. I mean, it would make sense though if Hell is JBL though if you think about it.

Random Commercial Thought: Beware of lizards in suits.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Mike Knox and Mysterio whoa re finally going to “wrestle” tonight. I put that in quotations because I have never personally seen Mike Knox wrestle, though I’ve seen him do something in the ring some people might call that. In the back, Tard asks Knox why he does what he does. He says in an oddly normal voice despite his appearance that he doesn’t have one. I don’t think Mike should have theme music but instead should have the sounds of horrified WWE fans screaming at the sight of him coming to the ring at an event they paid money for.

Rey Mysterio vs. Mike Knox

Rey comes in hard and fast, pounding at Knox and dodging clothesline. He sends Knox to the floor and trips him up. Rey bounces off the ropes but runs into a rising clothesline which allows Knox to set him up in the corner for an ass kicking. Knox starts slamming Mysterio around but is caught up by Mysterio from the apron. Rey leaps  in off the ropes with a head scissors to set up the 619. Mysterio leap sin only to have his legs caught in midswing. Knox hangs Mysterio up with a slingshot into the middle rope over his neck. Knox proceeds to beat on Mysterio into the ground until he’s DQed.
Winner: Mysterio

Post match, Knox delivers a generic finisher I’m pretty sure is just a backwards Test Driver. I swear that finisher gets around in the WWE. Elsewhere, Stephanie arrives in her office to find Chris Jericho already there like a murderer in a horror film. She orders him out but he informs her that Vince gave him a chance to plead his case tonight. 

Random Commercial Thought: Have you ever wondered why they put brail on drive through ATMs?

Back to the show where after I returned from a piss break, I find Jeff Hardy being assaulted by pyrotechnics from last week in a replay. Back to the show where Morrison and Miz demand they get to beat up on the winner of the first Royal Rumble. Cryme Tyme interrupts them to let them know Duggan is busy and instead they’d like to represent MLK and Obama and get the belts. It’s too bad for Miz who is republican (fuck that guy). They insult the Chicago Cubs. Cryme Tyme want to beat their asses to get a title shot.

Cryme Tyme vs. World Tag Team Champions The Miz & John Morrison (Non-title Match)

JTG starts off on Morrison, kicking his ass before making the switch to Shad. Shad crushes Morrison and the Miz before leaving him reeling. Shad tries his finisher but Morrison distracts the ref for a cheap shot from the Miz. JTG counters by wrecking both of them behind the ref’s back and Shad picks up the win.
Winners: Cryme Tyme

After the match we replay Orton getting slapped since we have no match highlights to bother replaying apparently.

Random Commercial thought: I was once accosted by a mall cop for carrying a sign out in public. He stole my pictures from me but I kept the sign to use in an art project.

Back to the show where we get a video package about the Royal Rumble. It’s a package about the numbers relating to the rumble. Kind of informative if you haven’t known this stuff already. If you did know, like most of the IWC, then sit on it. Cody is accosted by Goldust in the back who talks normally. Goldust gives him a WWE to watch to know what it likes to be a champion. He says it will teach him more in one night than Orton can teach him in a lifetime. It’s the Starcade collection. Cody says he’ll surpass Dusty unlike Goldust. He says he’ll send Goldy and Dusty a copy of his own DVD when it’s made. Oooo, burned.

Random Commercial Thought: The Pink Panther didn’t need a fucking sequel.

Back to the show where Jillian serenades us and we see a replay of Melina getting beat down by someone not even officially on the roster. Melina seems to have learned her lesson of hiring random photographers and foregoes them for tonight.

Melina vs. Jillian Hall

Melina attacks hard, but misses a corner charge, getting herself stuck as Jillian begins to beat her ass. Melina gets caught in a tree of woe while Jillian bend her head back by the hair before picking up a two count. Santino brings Beth’s biggest fan with him to the ring as well as Beth. Melina is busy getting her ass absolutely kicked while Jillian botches a side slam. Melina decides to pull a Cena and delivers her finisher out of the corner for three.
Winner: Melina

Melina calls Beth in as Santino whispers to Rosa. Rosa attacks and Beth kicks her in the head, slinging her off before crushing Melina with her finisher. Ziggler is in the back talking to Candice about people knowing his name all over the world. Vince comes up behind him and introduces himself. Dolph is lost for words trying to introduce himself.

Random Commercial Thought: Danger is my maiden name.

Back to the show. Looks like we’ve decided to toss away the idea of a main event. That means, by default our main event was Melina vs. Jillian. This disturbs me on some fundamental level. WWE is apparently proud they managed to shit out 14 DVDs in one year as opposed to the NFL’s 2. Replay to Cena getting beat down by JBL and HBK.

Everyone cheers as Vince McMahon appears. I have to wonder why the fuck everyone so easily forgets it’s mostly his fault we get annoyed with the product even when he isn’t on it. You poor poor fools! Vince invites out Jericho to address his issues. I sure hope he brings up that time his daddy beat him and then touched him in a bad place that one time when I was ten. Wait…what? They compliment each others’ suits. Riveting television. Jericho talks about how awesome he is and that Stephanie fired him for all his hard work in carrying the show. He says he knows Vince will make things right and implore him to hire him and reinstate his status in the Rumble. Vince asks if she has made any progress as the GM of Raw. Jericho says she has merely regressed. Vince calls out Stephenie in reply to this.

Oh yay, terrible theme music. Vince says he doesn’t want to go over her head but he’s thinking of reinstating Jericho….but he’s not. When he says he won’t fire Steph either, the cheers INSTANTLY stop. He says he wants to run it with her instead and asks her to give Jericho a second chance if she wants. She demands an apology. Ooo, severe. Jericho pussies out and offers up the apology. She does about all but make him join the Kiss My Ass club. I’m happy to not be seeing any corn hole tonight and would like to keep it that way. She demands he apologize to the crowd as well. The crowd demands he do it on his knees. That’s what I told your mother. He tries to explain himself to the crowd on his knees and finally apologizes. Aw, that’s cute. Vince hugs Stephanie before we are approached by Randy Orton now.

Orton demands an apology from Steph for the slap and says he’s worth more than her. I’d agree with that actually. Orton says she has become worthless since she popped out some grandkids. OUCH. That is awesome. She leaves and Vince asks him who he thinks he is. I once thought I was Napoleon. Vince gives Orton a history lesson about his father before demanding an apology as well. Orton tells him off but when he goes to fire him, Orton just delivers a soul crushing bitchslap and punts him in the head. Well, it’s about time somebody did that. I waited an extra fifteen minutes of air time for that head punt. Orton looks shocked at himself in a corner. Orton slinks off to the back to retrieve his money from a grinning Paul Levesque as we go off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Vince McMahon got kicked in the head! Yeah!

Lowlight of the Night: The Mysterio/Knox feud continues on to no end.

WWE “Creative” Award: Melina continues to be beat up by a “fan” yet we should take her as a legit challenger.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


WWE RAW RANT: (01/26/09) By Cameron Burge
 
Welcome back to the show where kicking your boss in the head gets you a guaranteed shot at the World title of your choosing. It makes perfect sense. Since somebody forgot to read the memo to fire Orton for hospitalizing Vince….again….He got his chance to win the Rumble last night. Not really your most interesting finish but they can’t all be gold…or brass. Who is the World champion? Is Shawn Michaels still working for a douche bag? Does anyone care? Find out all this and more tonight. In other news, if you don’t get enough of me and my rambling, you can now hear me ramble about really terrible movies on Youtube because I have nothing better to do. Super Self-whoring go! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgPtTRzyg0I It’s a new series I’m doing via youtube and Viddler called Let’s Watch a Shitty Movie. You can find all the links and trailer on my youtube channel. And now that that is over with….

Raw 01.26.08

Show opens with a weird remix of Orton’s theme with dumb Adobe After Effects over shots of Orton and clips from last week of Orton and the McMahons. Orton arrives with Legacy to the ring. As well as three random guys in suits who totally aren’t wrestlers in nice clothes. Not even. Orton introduces them as his lawyers…and therapist. He brought his therapist to the ring. I wonder if that treatment where he takes out his anger on random hotel lamps has been working out for him or not. He makes the argument that he was sufficiently provoked and cannot be held responsible for his actions because the WWE knew of his condition to be pissed off and retarded. He says is Stephanie fires him tonight he will sue her and the WWE. I guess she will sue him tomorrow night. He has a second lawsuit and that is he must keep his shot at the World title at Wrestlemania. He also says Ted and Cody vow to quit if he is fired. Hmm, this sounds like a really good deal,
three for one? Awesome. He insinuates Cody and Ted are superstars and I died a little inside. Orton reads us all a pre-written apology. Cole recaps what was just said for us but takes about eleven minutes less to tell us than Orton did. We should have just had him do it in the first place. Stephanie is watching Orton on an HD TV in the back and brooding silently.

Random Commercial Thought: I could use a stiff drink.

Back to the show where Cryme Tyme are here to try and get themselves a couple of belts. I’m still trying to figure out why JTG was in the Rumble but Shad was not and yet Hacksaw Jim Duggan was as number 29 no less. This years rumble lacked many surprising entrants, only having RVD of note.

Cryme Tyme vs. World Tag Team Champions The Miz & John Morrison (Tag Team Title Match)

JTG starts us off with The Miz and levels him with what he calls “The Mug Shot.” Miz tosses JTG to the apron where Morrison clotheslines him to the floor while the ref is distracted. Morrison makes the tag in now, stomping JTG down. Somebody should make a note to JTG that bandanas are not for your knees. They do little good down there. JTG escapes a suplex and tags in Shad. Shad runs Miz and Morrison over, tossing Morrison clear across the ring. He runs into a boot from Morrison but catches him with a big Powerslam for two. Morrison fights back and tries for his finisher but Shad counters it into Thugnificence for two when Miz breaks it up. Miz creates a distraction allowing Morrison to nail the Prime Time Drive. This match had the greatest move names ever.
Winners: Miz & Morrison

King informs us that at No Way Out we are bringing back the Elimination Chamber. Satan’s playground. I heard Satan planned to get it more kid friendly and replace most of the chains with cheap plastic. As if one Elimination Chamber match wasn’t long and pandering enough, we’ll be getting two this year. Oh yippie. JBL arrives to say there will be a special qualifying match for the Chamber where Michaels wrestles for him. Shawn has to beat John Cena to get him into the match. Because we totally didn’t just see this match. I feel like I’m lost in rerun hell.

Random Commercial Thought: Chuck Norris’ mustache possesses otherworldly power.

Back to the show. OH SHIT THE WORLD PREMIERE OF THE 12 ROUNDS TRAILER IS TONIGHT! I’m so fucking excited I think I’d like to see what else is on. Some of my favorite theme music in the industry right now is on as we get Kofi Kingston for an Elimination Chamber qualifier. Not like he’ll make it. He manages to get eliminated by fucking Brian Kendrick in the Rumble. He’s also up against Kane.

Kofi Kingston vs. Kane (Elimination Chamber Qualifier)

Kane beats the holy hell out of Kingston and slings him around the ring. How dare you be black! Speaking of black, there were 1.5 million people at the inauguration parade for Obama and only 14 of them missed work. Kane crushes Kofi in the corner and goes up top for the clothesline, leveling him a second time. Kane signals the choke slam but Kingston drags himself up into Trouble in Paradise. Kane reels but catches Kofi out of a wheel kick into a choke slam attempt. Kingston leaps over into a sunset flip for the surprise three. Oh. Well I’ll be fucked.
Winner: Kingston

We get a replay of Matt hardy hitting The Joker from Batman with a chair. Oh wait that was Jeff Hardy. This cost him the title at the Rumble and is probably the most pointless turn of the year and it just got started.

Random Commercial Thought: Electricity has want plants crave. It’s got ELECTROlytes.

Back to the show. Chris Jericho comes out to talk about the movie The Wrestler which has actually been getting some good reviews it seems. At least David Arquette isn’t in it. Chris is annoyed that Ric Flair gave this film a “glowing” review. I want to know how he made it glow and if there were drugs involved. Apparently Mickey was advised by Ric Flair as a new friend of his and he said he’s coming for Chris Jericho’s ass. He’s learning from Afa, Ric Flair and Roddy Piper….woooooow. Mickey Rourke is gonna get wrecked. I can only assume he’s learned the uncanny abilities to have an afro, be tossed off the top rope, and hit people with coconuts. Elsewhere, Shawn says he wants to be let out of this to JBL. He says he did everything he could to try and get JBL to be champion. JBL tells him to stuff it and get to work, just like a 10,000 a night whore.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m made of something consisting of 90% win and 10% gas.

Back to the show. We get a video package for Wrestlemania before JBL and Michaels arrive. I think it’s great that Shawn finally has some more appropriate theme music for himself in the form of JBL’s. Cena is out right behind them. Can someone explain to me the purpose of someone qualifying for the Elimination Chamber by fighting the champion himself? Wouldn’t that leave an unfilled slow if the champion wins? It makes no sense.

Shawn Michaels w/ JBL vs. World Heavyweight Champion John Cena (Elimination Chamber Qualifier)

The match begins with a brawl, Cena pissed about getting kicked in the jaw last night. Cena tosses Michaels to a corner and goes to a bulldog. Shawn slaps Cena but Cena counters with a leveling bitchslap of his own. Michaels rolls to the floor to escape the FU.

Random Commercial Thought: Italian words are retarded.

Back to the match where Shawn puts on a Figure Four that is immediately reversed. Shawn is laid out for a two count before Cena grounds him with a headlock. Michaels delivers the flying clothesline and nips up. Shawn sets up for the elbow drop but Cena heads him off on the apron. Shawn catches him through the ropes but comes back into an STFU. Michaels escapes but Cena comes back with his general offense. The protobomb sets up for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Shawn counters the taunt into a cross face. Cena can’t make the ropes so he stands u, countering into an FU. Michaels grabs the ropes and escapes, but Cena drags him down into the STFU. Michaels makes the ropes, this time with no help from JBL. Cena measures Michaels and scoops him into the FU, but Michaels slips out into a sunset flip for two.

Michaels decides to try and channel someone even older than him and lazily chops at Cena in the corners. Michaels gets the momentum and goes up top for the elbow drop. JBL screams at him for taking the risk and they begin to argue as he says he’ll do it his own way. JBL gets up on the apron and Cena shoves JBL into Michaels, allowing Cena to put him down with the FU.
Winner: Cena

JBL comes to the ring and stands over Michaels with the look of a man about to drop trouser and take a piss all over someone. We cut from this directly to another video of Vince getting his ass kicked by Orton. We then get a replay of Orton’s “apology” before Stephanie tells us in the back there will be action done publicly in Orton’s face. This could either be very scary or incredibly kinky. You decide.

Random Commercial Thought: They…they blew up the car salesman.

Back to the show. Still motion recap of Melina picking up the women’s title from Beth. Melina and Kelly Kelly are out to the ring to take on the only heel divas tonight. Santino is pretty much ignored by Beth before joining us on commentary. Well, something good came of this.

Women’s Champion Melina & Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall w/ Santino Marella

Beth hoists Melina up and slams her to the corner, pummeling on her before being pulled off by the ref. Melina comes back with a senton only to be tossed off to the corner again. Beth misses a corner charge and has to tag out to Jillian. Melina trades with Kelly who back flips out of the corner with an arm wrench. Jillian counters a head scissors in the corner, tossing Kelly to the apron where Beth distracts her for a rush by Jillian to send her to the floor. Jillian tags out Beth while Kelly tries to make the tag. Beth drags her back by the foot as a “Mystery woman” drags Melina from the apron to the floor. Beth pulls Kelly into the Phoenix Arizona for the win.
Winners: Beth & Jillian

Melina gives the heels a “cheated Mexican girlfriend” stare while cradling Kelly in a homo-erotic moment. We get a video replay of the year Wrestlemania went to Hollywood. Much like most Hollwood aspiration it was short lived and involved a lot of crushed hopes and dreams and drugs.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve seen some stupid movies but I’ve never seen Paul Blart: Mall cop.

Back to the show where Rey Mysterio is up for his qualifier to the Elimination Chamber. I have to wonder why anyone would have thought Rey would win the Rumble when he’s feuding with and recently lost to fucking Mike Knox. Regal is his opponent. Does Layla paint those pants on?

William Regal w/ Layla vs. Rey Mysterio (Elimination Chamber Qualifier)

Rey starts off with sharp kicks to the knee and a headlock but Regal tosses him off, only to run into a kick in the corner. Rey leaps from the ropes into a senton, but a followup head scissors has him being slammed out of it by Regal. Regal chops Rey down in the corner now, leveling him with a European uppercut for two. I’ve always wondered why the Europeans spend so much time developing wrestling moves lie German Suplexes and uppercuts. Rey fights out of a headlock with kicks and is countered out of his body scissors bulldog with a big suplex for two. Regal drags Rey down for a knee to the face for another two count. Regal continues to control the match, tearing into Mysterio with head punches. Rey tries to come back but is shut off with a knee to the gut. Regal tries a chicken wing suplex, but it’s countered into an arm drag. Rey delivers a kick to the head only to be leveled with a gut wrench suplex. Rey monkey flips Mysterio into the ropes before
sending him reeling with a 619 and body splash for the win.
Winner: Mysterio

Rey pauses in the ring, probably thinking something is missing here. I think that something is a large bearded man beating his ass.

Random Commercial Thought: Weed taught me how to laugh at life. Even when there’s absolutely nothing funny to be laughing about.

Back to the show. That crazy bitch is begging Santino to make things right between her and Beth. Beth comes by to say they can keep her, but I seriously doubt if she is even potty trained at this point. And now, a trailer for a John Cena movie. Help me. Same thing as last time, pointless explosions while Cena tries to get his wife back.

Random Commercial Thought: What is the selling point of Taken? Some dad goes crazy and kills guys?

Back to the show where CM Punk will be partaking in a qualifier match against the guy he’s wrestled a hundred times, but beaten maybe once or twice, Chris Jericho.

Intercontinental Champion CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho (Elimination Chamber Qualifier)

Punk begins with a suplex for a quick one count before beating Jericho into a corner. Jericho tries to counter and runs into a kick in the corner, but as Punk leaps to the middle rope, Jericho catches his foot and slings him out into the floor. Ouch. Jericho delivers a headlock as King talks about how he thought Jericho would win the Rumble. Punk comes back with a side dropkick and some reverse elbows before nailing the Pepsi One in the corner. Punk springboards from the apron into a clothesline for two. Punk delivers a head scissors from the top rope on Jericho before trying for the GTS. This of course misses as if you thought it wouldn’t. Jericho rolls him up for two and Punk tries a cover. They reverse each other’s covers for two counts before Jericho tries the Walls. Punk counters with a leg twist that leaves Jericho falling awkwardly on his wrist. Punk tries a northern lights but Jericho bridges out. They continue to reverse before Jericho lands
the Code Breaker out of nowhere for the win.
Winner: Jericho

In case you forgot that Orton kicked Vince in the head, we get to see it again. I like how they add different film filters to it each time so we can at least pretend we’re seeing it for the first time.

Random Commercial Thought: Quiznos here is owned by people who are so far from Italian, the only thing less Italian is Mario eating fried chicken.

Back to the show. I would like to mention Lillian’s outfit makes her look like a 1970’s whore. Stephanie comes to the ring to say Orton is far from off the hook as the crowd goes to What? chants. She demands he come down to find out what she thinks. Orton announces his voices for us and brings Legacy, Lawyers and his therapist. He reminds her of the nightmare he has planned for her if he is fired tonight. I still want to know why he thinks Cody and Ted count as stars. Orton’s therapist gets on the microphone to tell us the exact same thing. Orton says he will file an injunction to make there be no Wrestlemania as if anyone could ever hope to even compete with the WWE lawyers. Orton asks her what he’s going to due about that as the entire Raw locker room begins to file out onto the entrance ramp. Orton asks what they are looking at. Orton commences to the shit talking. Orton demands to be fired so he can take everyone down with him.

She says firing him is too easy. “We” have much bigger plans. The roster parts like the red sea for Shane McMahon in bad-ass mode. Orton backs down from Shane behind Rhodes and Dibiase before being tackled. Dibiase and Rhodes drag him off and hold him for Orton but Shane breaks loose and pummels Orton to the ground. Dibiase and Rhodes tackle him a second time and Shane tosses Dibiase before beating down Rhodes and tackling Orton again. Yet again Rhodes pulls him off onl to be fought off before Shane boxes Orton down. Rhodes tries again but is beat down to the corner. Dibiase carts Orton away while Shane leaves Rhodes on the mat. Shane gives chase up the ramp to Dibiase and Orton. When the fight spills into the roster everyone holds back Dibiase and Rhodes before rescuing Shane. Shane gets pissed at being held back as well and punches everyone off as Orton makes his escape like a TV supervillian and the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Kofi Kingston qualifying for the Elimination Chamber. It was a throw away match but his performance in the chamber should be entertaining.

Lowlight of the Night: Orton enters into a storyline that doesn’t seem to serve any function as build for Wrestlemania.

WWE “Creative” Award: The part where Michael Weston had to dive away from his exploding house was cool an innovative. Oh wait, that happened on Burn Notice, never mind.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).