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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (January 2008)

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WWE RAW RANT: (01/07/08) By Cameron Burge

SSDD. Same Shit, Different Day. Welcome to the new year. Not like a whole lot has changed, but it’s the time of year all pretend wrestling is just as good as it ever was and temporarily blind ourselves in hopes the upcoming Royal Rumble and Wrestlemania will make it all feel better. As for tonight, it’s the return of Raw Roulette as WWE has seemingly decided it’s safe to be in Vegas with Cena and Lashley on the shelves. I have this picture in my head of Cena dressed like the Fonz, walking by a slot machine and casually smacking his fist on it, making the money just fall out.

“Heeeeeeey!”

Raw 01.07.08

Show opens with a video package about Ric Flair’s career threatening match last week which featured Flair using his magic face powers to fly and the worst looking pedigree of all time. Oh, and also Triple H was kicked out of the Royal Rumble, too bad so sad. Cut to the back with Vince and Regal confronting each other in the back. Vince asks him if he knows this is the first Raw of 2008 and people are expecting something big and innovative. He says he has wrestlers who don’t even know they are wrestling tonight and other don’t know the match type because it’s the return of Raw Roulette. Because nothing says innovative like something you’ve done before. ….wait, what? Vince wishes him a happy new year and Regal asks if Vince likes Trips not being in the Rumble, which he agrees. Vince likes him being injured as well even more….by putting him in a match with Regal. Time to spin the wheel! NO whammy! NO whammy! The crowd looks pumped for Cage match, but it barely clicks over to First Blood. Regal leaves his office and gets his ass kicked immediately by Triple H who must have smelled the jobber radiating out of him like those scents the bitch wolves in a pack put out.

Theme and pyro, minus the pyro part. Michaels is on his way out for a match as we discover apparently that Kennedy’s finisher is called the Mic Check now. Should have been the Drug Test, but close enough I guess. Apparently we didn’t get enough of Michaels/Kennedy last year so it’s time for them to go at it yet again. First show of the new year and we’re already having reruns. Kennedy summons up the power of his microphone but when it finally comes down Vince appears to spin the wheel and declare it a Strange Bedfellows Match which makes Michaels and Kennedy into tag team partners for this not at all rigged random match selection. And by not at all, I mean, completely fucking rigged.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m not even sure what the fuck is going on in this Melina Commercial.

Back to the show where randomly the match is going on.

Mr. Kennedy & Shawn Michaels vs. Charlie Haas & Trevor Murdoch

Kennedy is slamming down Charlie Haas and picks up a two. Haas, who seems to have eaten Shelton Benjamin, gets his ass handed to him, but as he whips Kennedy to the ropes, Michaels makes a blind tag. Michaels kicks Kenned and chucks him to the floor as well as Haas who goes under the ring. Haas returns….wearing a lucha mask. What the fuck? He starts posing like a super hero and manages to gain control when Murdoch cheap shot clotheslines Michaels from the apron. Murdoch tags in and levels Michaels with a boot before hoisting Michaels into a back breaker while Haas climbs up and jumps from the top….only to stand beside Michaels then drop a normal elbow. Oookaaaaay? Michaels looks for the tag, But Kennedy goes to the floor and leaves him. Michaels escapes a back body drop and unmasks Haas who loses all of his powers once more. General Michaels offense now, with the showstopper climbing up top and dropping the elbow. He then super kicks Murdoch on the apron and tunes up the band, but Kennedy distracts him. Haas tries to come back but Michaels flattens him with a super kick but Kennedy tagged himself in, catching Michaels with the Mic Check and stealing the pin.

Winners: Michaels & Kennedy

We get some obligatory pimping for Triple H and Regal.

Random Commercial Thought: Fun Fact. DnB can also stand for Dick in the Butt.

Back to the show. It’s a trading places match next where the opponents must dress as each other. Holly’s music plays and Carlito Holly accompanied by Morella. Next we have….well Hardcore Caribbean Cool? Oh my god. The only thing I can think about while looking at that fro is that the pool must be closed…due to AIDS.

Hardcore Holly w/ Cody Rhodes vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Santino Morella

Holly has to remove the fro to get his shirt off then puts it back on. Carlito gets pissed at Holly’s imitation and beats him down into the corner until the wig flies off. A spinning reverse elbow levels Holly off the ropes. Carlito follows with a suplex for a one count. At least Carlito’s hair stays. Carlito back suplexes Holly for another two. While Carlito is working the back let me pause to say how amazing it is that for this completely randomly selected match type they happened to have the items on hand to imitate each other, including trunks. What’s more interesting is that loser wrestlers don’t end up with high profile match types. Holly turns the tables on Carlito in the corner with chops and tries to fire up the crowd after a dropkick. The crowd couldn’t give a shit. Santino distracts the ref, but Holly retrieves his apple to spit it in Carlito’s face. Alabama Slam is academic, but I would like to point out JR told us “Bob Holly spits in the face of people he doesn’t perceive to be cool.”

Winner: Holly

Maria is in the back wearing her super slut outfit and spins the wheel for the Diva’s match. It lands on Submission and Vince has her close her eyes as he talks and secretly adjusts the wheel to a Lingerie Pillow Fight. You’re PPV dollars at work folks. There’s some joke about Maria’s pillows be au natural, but I was too busy thinking about her tits to care…oh wait I get it!

Random Commercial Thought: For some reason the breaks seem unordinarily short tonight.

Back to the show where the replay show how Orton delights his soccer mom by proving all those years in the AYSO weren’t a waste, kicking Matt in the head last week. In the back, Tard is interviewing Jeff. There’s a reason Matt was the mouthpiece for the Hardy Boys. He talks like a badly written comic book character or song writer. King is wearing a black shirt with a playing card King (of Spades no less) in rhinestones on it. In the back, Hornwswoggle is playing with the wheel and Vince gets in his way to talk to him. I have no idea what the fuck he is talking about because THE FUCKING MICROPHONE ISN’T WORKING MORONS. The sound even goes out entirely for a moment. It’s a light echoing sound in the room from whatever sound source the camera itself has and finally the scene is just cut off entirely as JR apologizes to us. Pussies.

Random Commercial Thought: Sunshine, so important to science fiction, you haven’t even heard of it.

Back to the show. They replay what happened moments ago with actual sound. He says he wouldn’t allow Regal to hit him it was just a test and he asks him who won the rumble in 1999, it was him. He says Hornswoggle will win it this year if he qualifies in his match tonight. If that happened I’d quit so fast, that I’d have quit before it happened. Vince rallies him up saying it will be a tag match where he and his partner qualify and calls him his boy as we go to the ring for the bed and pillows. Oh damn, bathroom break. But I’m probably going to need my hands now anyway….

There’s nothing to really recap here since all the diva’s run around sluts for a while (Ashley made a lackluster appearance) and eventually team up against one. I’m not even really sure who won this, but it was a clusterfuck…not that type of fuck you pervert.

Random Commercial Thought: Remember when Nintendo owned your soul?

Back to the show where Super Crazy is turning down Hornswoggle’s request to be his tag team partner saying he isn’t that crazy. We are off to ringside for Regal and Trips who at least quadruples the length of Regal’s entrance. Best sign of the night: Nelly’s Fur Taco.

William Regal vs. Triple H (First Blood Match)

Regal tries to come in with a left and Hunter out punches him, so he runs to the floor. Trips follows and slams him at the steps, but Regal blocks. Regal tries to grab the brass knuckles but loses them as Triple H begins to bash his face into the announce table. He grinds his head into the edge of the steps and tears them apart. Regals ducks the stair toss (5.4 on the score card). Regal manages to knock Trips into the steel post and tries to knee the side of his head into it, but Trips ducks and causes him to crack it. Big Regal sucks chant starts while he continues to toss The Game into the posts and grinds his boot on his face back in the ring. JR claims Triple H apparently some how body slams himself as well. Regal exposes the steel turnbuckle and Trips fights back this time, but is sent head first into the turnbuckle. Regal lays in with hard lefts, as opposed to soft lefts, which is probably something best left to imaginary Naruto characters.

Regal tries to send him into the turnbuckle again, but he block and sends Regal into it twice. Triple H counters a back body into a face buster, but Regal counters it into a monkey flip into one of the covered corners. A running knee to the face levels Triple H but doesn’t kill him because he didn’t learn it from soccer, or football as the barbarians in England like to call it. Bastards. Regal goes to the floor to find his brass knuckles. Regal makes for a running strike, but Trips plants him with a spine buster. Hard rights into the face as Hunter holds on and continues to just keep punching over and over until he breaks him open. Winner: Triple H

After the match Hunter drops a knee on Regal and then grabs him by the hair to drag him into a pedigree.

Random Commercial Thought: Genesis health club, where you begin to get in shape…only to be tempted by snakes to eat chili dogs.

Back to the show where Morella asks Hornswoggle if they should get Count Chocula to help them if they were going to team. He eventual tells him midgets are creepy and Horny looks disappointed. Maybe if he learned how to speak English instead of “Creepy Fuckgoblin” as his native language it would help. King says Jericho ruined JBL’s entrance last week because it sure was pretty….pretty boring. Replay of the Y2J sabotage. Back to ringside for Jericho’s expensive entrance. He’s dropped a lot of the blond hair dye at least taking away quite a bit of the gayness to him. It seems apathy follows this poor guy like the plague. We see Vince spinning the wheel as we go to commercial. The suspense is killing me!

Random Commercial Thought: The Eye - even the Japanese version sucked. It’s like were really sucking the true bottom of the barrel for horror films now, remaking crappy foreign films that were never good.

Back to ringside where Jillian says it was ruled a handicap match and here comes his opponent. Apparently Snitsky counts as multiple people, must have a disorder. Snitsky stalks around the ring until JBL’s bells ring. For someone from New York he has some huge ass horns on his limo.

Snitsky & JBL vs. Chris Jericho (Handicap Tag Match)

Snitsky leaps onto Jericho and beats him into the corner, but Jericho dodges between his legs and chops Snitsky to the ropes, hitting a flying forearm and being cut down by a clothesline. Snitsky wildly stomps on him, while I’m sure we all long for the days of the happy go lucky abortionist we all remember. Snitsky misses the Hanger Banger and manages to rack himself on the top rope. Jericho gets tackled from behind to the floor by JBL where he begins to slam John around into the furniture until he clocks Jericho in the head. The ref calls for the bell like an idiot, because he’s holding the fucking bell himself. He tosses the bell back to the time keeper then calls for it but JBL tosses him aside.

Winner: Jericho

JBL chokes Jericho out with a cable and drags him around by it. He eventually pulls him to his feet with the chord to nail him with a clothesline and start dragging him up the rant. The ref seems less concerned with Y2J choking to death as he continues to do his little dance around him. The random gaggle of jackasses who usually break these things up must all be on break. Jericho is slammed into the steel section of the security wall and dragged along some more, The crowd starts a Y2J chant but it’s not getting anything as he is sent into the steel tower. JBL climbs the tower and runs the rope through it, setting up to hang him. Since I guess nobody guessed the correct letters to spell out the word. Y, 2, and J weren’t in it. The word was Bagel. The refs finally break them up as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Orphanage is this year’s Pan’s Labyrinth? By that I guess they mean, horrifying to children every who assumed it was a kid’s film.

Back to the show. The Highlanders are trying to qualify for the Rumble against Hornswoggle and….B.K. Jordan? Some very skinny bald dude who looks like he’s been ransacked by the gay AIDS. Before the match gets qualified though, there’s an apparent car accident in the arena and Mick Foley arrives. B.K. looks happy to give up a chance to be in the Royal Rumble to someone else and leaves. In the words of Walter the puppet: Dumbass.

Hornswoggle & Mick Foley vs. The Highlanders (Royal Rumble Qualifier Match)

Robbie and Foley start off with Foley getting a two count off of a running punch. Hornswoggle tags in and kicks Robbie in the shin, hitting a running dropkick and some kind of crotch dropping senton. Rory tags in and dodges a run by Hornswoggle, face planting him on the mat, but Foley breaks the pin. Who the fuck did Mick eat? Hornswoggle dodges a grab and makes the tag and Foley comes in the beat Rory into the corner hard with a Bang Bang. A running knee to the face in the corner and Million Dollar Knee Lift. Robbie tries a cheap shot and manages to distract Foley long enough to shut him down. A Double team in the corner commences with the Highlanders tagging in and out. Foley counters a double back body and ducks Rory, sending him to the floor. Socko appears but Rory is coming off the top from behind…only to get a Soc in the mouth. Double Arm DDT plants Robbie and it’s time for the Tadpole Splash or the 2 star splash if you would like to call it that. Either way, it’s pretty gay.

Winners: Foley & Hornswoggle

The cage is lowering for Jeff Hardy’s cage match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Meet the Spartans and say goodbye to 10 or more hard earned dollars you’re throwing in the gutter by doing so.

Hardy spastically dances out to the ring, seemingly not knowing the auditions for Stomp the Yard are long since over. Umaga comes along to shake the cage wall, which just really only serves to show how weak those walls really are. Way to break the illusion. Orton’s music hits as I had somewhat hoped he might have forgotten to show up and bore me tonight, but I guess it was too good to be true.

Umaga vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Non Title Cage Match)

Umaga chucks Hardy away from himself and screamed. I wonder why if he’s so savage, why he wears elbow pads. Umaga kicks out at one from a dropkick from Hardy. Umaga kicks him in the jaw and stalks around the downed Hardy. Umaga misses a corner splash and chews on some steel cage instead. Slingshot dropkick to the sternum and Hardy goes for the pinfall despite being LESS THAN A FOOT, from the fucking door. That’s right, he could just walk out and leave. Umaga slings Hard to the corner, but he instead springboards up and to the top of the cage, but Umaga grabs him by the legs of his pants and slams Hardy to the mat as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Speaking of animated adventures has anyone seen the insufferably gay mascots for the Olympics? It’s horrifying.

Umaga is nerve squeezing Hardy on the ground and Umaga hammers him with an elbow. Couldn’t they take a commercial break during this hold instead? So instead of watching the match, I’m watching the crowd and there’s a guy in the front row turned backwards, pointing back toward the camera while his friend jerks him around by the ear. Hardy rallies back against Umaga and gets back dropped into the steel cage when he runs at him. Headbutts ensue to Hardy who is trapped between the cage and the ropes. Umaga slings him back into the cage and delivers a running splash that slings as much of himself into the cage as he did the last time yet miraculously does absolutely no damage to him at all this time.

Hardy gets his foot on the rope at the two count and Orton starts to chuck chairs over the cage into the ring and yell at the ref through the cage. Umaga grabs a chair and nails Hardy in the back, pinning him for only two. Orton looks pissed as Umaga climbs. Umaga retardedly walks along the ropes like the Undertaker for some reason and Hardy pulls the ropes to rack him. Hardy sets up a chair in the ring and springboards off of it to dropkick Umaga’s head into the cage. Umaga blocks a Twist of Fate and catches him with an uppercut. Jeff and his smurf hair sit in the corner while Umaga takes his dear time with the ass crash that he inevitably misses. Forearms and a mule kick hit Umaga before Hardy throws a chair in his face in the corner. Hardy sets a chair in the center of the ring and drags Umaga over to take a DDT on a chair for two. JR calls Umaga a stallion which creeps me out. Jeff makes a run for the ring door and like an idiot sticks his head out first, so Orton closes it on his face. Umaga drags himself to the cover but only gets two and JR declares Jeff to have apparently sucked Matt’s Will Not Die life force from his brother. Umaga signals the Spike, but Hardy counters to the Twist of Fate. Hardy climbs to the top where Orton threatens him so Hardy pulls the spot of the fucking year already and Whispers in the wind backwards onto Umaga for the win. Holy fucking shit.

Winner: Jeff Hardy

Jeff stand atop the cage and he and Orton stare down as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Hardy Whispers in the Wind from the top of the Cage amazingly.

Lowlight of the Night: Jericho continues to look like a chump to JBL.

WWE “Creative” Award: Hornswoggle qualifies for the Royal Rumble. What the fuck?

Congratulations go to Catherine for winning her not at all fake Fanny Award. Oh and some guy named Sean. I don't know who that hack is. Check out the Fanny Awards if you haven't already. Otherwise you're a queer.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 
WWE RAW RANT: (01/14/08) By Cameron Burge

WWE: All the midgets you can handle outside of Little People, Big World. In case you missed last week let me catch you up to date. Hornswoggle is in the Royal Rumble. Yeah, I’ll just let you digest that little tidbit for a moment. In other news, JR has forgotten which PPV we’re coming up on as he declared the Royal Rumble to be Wrestlemania, but was cut off quite quickly, probably by Triple H who demanded if this were the case he needs to be rebooked into a rematch with Orton. Also last week, Jeff Hardy defeated Umaga inside the carnivorous steel cage that apparently thirsts for the blood of fat ass Samoans much like Dracula for hot young virgins. What is with Dracula anyway? What attracts the ONLY British women with straight teeth on that whole fucking island to bump the uglies with a guy that has hair best left with the cast from Grease? And why hasn’t this same strategy worked out for Kevin Thorn and Messiahs?

Raw 01.14.08

Show starts with a video package of last week’s cage match with an absolutely awesome slow motion show of the Whisper in the Wind off the top. Straight from there to ring side with Hardy’s theme and….a hot pink belt he must have shoplifted from Hot Topic. I’m pretty sure even Rick Rude is calling that gay. Of note is hardy seems to have lost his ass rag, probably loaning it to Chuck Palumbo. What does he use that for? To wipe up the butt sweat mid match? If so, he should have loaned that thing to RVD years ago. That guy had a veritable fountain coming out of his butt crack every match. Why didn’t anyone ever tell the guy?

Hardy says he’s thrilled, but angry because he said he would take Orton out, but he’s going to fulfill that promise tonight. He demands Orton drag his chin locking ass out now or he’ll hunt him down. There’s a rather boring pause before Orton’s music probably hit. He probably had to pause to remove his pants before he came out since apparently it’s stylish to wear a T-shirt and wrestling skivvies. Orton says if he wants him so bad he’s got it, with one condition. He reminds us only two people have ever had both the IC belt and the World title and he wants to up the stakes to make tonight’s match an IC title bout and give away the encounter for the Rumble for free. Hot damn. Hardy agrees. Orton says Hardy is fresh out of brothers for him to kick in the head, but I’m pretty sure Brother Runt is a free agent, I’m sure they could round him up real quick. Jeff Hardy continues to quote Franz Ferdinand lyrics as we go to a recap of Flair’s career threatening matches, since he’s having one with Regal tonight as we go to commercial…..oh no wait, first we have to see Ashley. Fuck it’s some kind of diva match. Apparently Ashley has joined the famed ranks of the rainbow haired warriors. Maria’s new entrance and attire show off her au naturale tits in case you haven’t caught wind you’ll get to see her naked in playboy more than likely soon. Which is kind of like saying “For those of you without photoshop or imaginations we will now remove the other inch of fabric actually covering those nipples for you!”

Random Commercial Thought: Ah, finally commercials. The first two Saw movies made you wait almost a year for the Unrated version the last two have come straight unrated to DVD, which begs the question of why bother calling it a special edition if it’s the ONLY edition.

Back to the boobs. Oh and the match too I guess. I’m sure somebody cares about that part. Melina apparently still hasn’t figured out her entrance isn’t as special when wearing pants. Also, why the FUCK does Jillian have to sing her own theme song? I’m still waiting for them to change Beth’s theme to “Wonder WOMAN! All the world if waiting for yooouuuu. And the powers you poseeeessss.” A man can dream.

Ashley & Mickie James & Maria vs. Melina & Jillian Hall & Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix

Jillian starts off with Ashley who is wearing her Trailer Trash gear this evening. She manages to botch climbing to the top turnbuckle in the first fifteen seconds. Jillian smashes her and Melina tags in, taking a sloppy as shit flying forearm from Ashley. Maria tags in and does a handstand kick to the head on Melina. Maria tries a bulldog, but the heel distract the ref while one of them prevents her from performing said dog of the bull variety. Glamazon tags in after Maria is hung up on the ropes and spins Maria around into a slam. Maria sneaks in a jaw jacker and tags in Mickie. Mickie lands a head scissors and a dropkick, attacking Jillian and Melina on the apron before flying back in with botched lou thesz that hits Phoenix hard in the face. Beth gets pissed and picks her up in a chicken wing but Mickie escapes and lands an enziguiri but the heels break it up. Everyone in the ring and then on the floor. Mickie gets hung up on the top rope by Phoenix and eats the Phoenix Arizona to finish things out. Winners: Jillian, Beth & Melina

Elsewhere, Vince says he is confident Regal can end Flair’s career and he promises he can do what Orton, “Umanga” and “Triple Haitch” haven’t by ending it in the most undignified way possible. They match a joke about giving the US an enema through the asshole of Mobil and then Snitsky appears randomly demanding to make an impact. Go to Spike. Vince gives him a match with Triple H to send him off and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m kind of sick of seeing this bitch in the Spangles commercials. She’s been ugly since she was young but she still remains the spokeswoman for the least interesting fast food change in the state, the only defining point of which is each one has a life size sculpture of Monroe with her panties showing and Elvis with a mysterious brown stain on his ass.

Tomorrow night on ECW, Edge (which one?) is on ECW. Be kind, Rewind to last year’s Rumble. Rumble Qualifier now with Michaels ad the poor sap who is going to lose to him. He gets on the microphone to bitch about why he has to qualify if he was runner up last year and has won it twice. He says he came out to challenge Mr. Kennedy and since he was going to do that he wants that match to be the qualifier, but instead we get Murdoch as Cade is out with a shoulder injury, probably sustained from having Patterson riding him around the back like a bronco.

Trevor Murdoch vs. Shawn Michaels (Royal Rumble Qualifier)

Murdoch starts off with a stiff reverse elbow and an inverted atomic drop as well as a running boot to the jaw. Clubs to the back of the head and Murdoch starts hammering in the corner, whipping HBK to the corner to pick up two. This is almost sad, to think Murdoch even stands a chance in hell of being in the rumble this year. Poor guy. Michaels rallies and fights back, brawling commencing. He dodges a clothesline and lands in a Lou Thesz to regain momentum into the standard offense, you know what I mean. The elbow hits its mark and Michaels is tuning up the band. I think that’s a pretty shitty beat actually. Instead of the kick though he trips Murdoch and locks in an inverted figure four for no reason, confusing the shit out of the crowd for the win.

Winner: Michaels

On the titantron we see Kennedy who has annoying Camera tech data along the bottom of the screen as some lazy truck guy apparently didn’t bother to remove it. Kennedy rattles on about how Michaels can’t stand to be proven worse than him. Kennedy says he has nothing left to prove but he’ll humor him with one more match. Apparently he’s not bad ass enough to make whispers of his name echo, but he’s got the sinister tone down at least. Michaels casually super kicks Murdoch when he’s done talking and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: lol wut?

Back to the show where we see the Ultimate fucking Warrior make history as the first IC/World champion with the “big splash” which is about as big as that splash the Savings make in that Cox commercial, the one where the money looks like a Fry Kid. Card rundown for the rumble. In the back, Vince is telling Horny he’ll give him a mini Rumble match to help him get experience for the real one. He says the first person to compete with him would be Mr. Kennedy and then Mankind and the Batista or a surprise or two. He says if he’s successful he has a shot at winning the real match. God help us. I swear I’ll quit if that happened. I’d quit so fast Sean would receive the e-mail from the future like those phone calls in One Missed Calls. Vince randomly provokes SRS by grabbing the midget by the throat and telling him not to forget he’s a McMahon before saying he’s proud. Trips is on his way to devour Snitsky (You don’t know where that’s been!) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Pilgrims and Vikings don’t mix.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Hunter losing to Ric in a match he purportedly wished to win. I’m sure he’s curious as to how he’s supposed to be in the main event of Mania now if he can’t run a bulldozer (not Umaga) over everyone at the Rumble to bury them into the dirt. Speaking of The Samoan Bulldozer, what is with the Samoans and making men who are part machine? Samoan Bulldozer and Samoan Submission Machine? Is it some kind of secret cyborg manufacturing facility on that island? Oh, guess it’s match time.

Triple H vs. Snitsky

Next week Raw will be in HD according to King, which means you’ll actually be able to see the puss spewing from Snitsky’s chest zits. Oh yay. Snitsky powers Trips into a corner and unleashes on him. Trips dumps Snitsky to the floor while I zoned out for a bit from the sheer terribleness of being able to see Hunter’s reflex ion in Snitsky’s pale freaking skin.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh yay, random generic black movie. Can’t wait.

Back to the show where Snitsky is tossing Trips off and delivering a boot to the face before stomping trips into a corner. Come on you pussy, John Cena had already beat this guy by now. This match is about as exciting as the prospect of a sandwich consistent of cardboard and thumbtacks. Snitsky delivers a side slam and elbow drops but when Trips tries to rally he gets caught in a bear hug. Triple H eventually escapes with a DDT when Snitsky tries to delivers the Coat Hook. Both men up and Snitsky runs into the face buster followed by a spine buster into the pedigree. Snitsky casually tosses him over the ropes and to the floor. Snitsky follows and tries to use some Steps on Trips’ head, but Hunter dodges and attacks with a chair. Winner: Triple H

Trips tosses Snitsky into the ring and grabs a sledge hammer. Sledgy makes an impact and the pedigree makes a second. Vince appears on the mini entrance screen to tell Trips to chill out. He totally chills dude by beating the living fuck out of the screen, tearing it up with the hammer. Man, why didn’t any of MY therapists let me chill like that?

Random Commercial Thought: If she had both eyes replaced why is the title of the movie singular?

Back to the show where they are mourning the loss of the Minitron like just plummeted from a bad hook up in the rafter then went home to murder its family. Mrs. Tron and Tron Jr. Vice berates Trips in the back saying he can’t say what Trips will do next week, so he’s back in the rumble if he wins his match next week. They don’t say against who. Drama! Suspense! Apathy! Replay of JBL’s return. Speaking of reruns, balloons rain down as JBL arrives, the crow playing with them like beach balls, as you can hear them popping all over the place. JBL replays Jericho’s rough night last week. JBL cuts a promo about calling Jericho Daddy for some reason which comes off sounding more than a little gay but I always took him as the dom. Who knew? It amounts to a whole lot of nothing really so you didn’t miss much, just a lot of fireworks as he leaves. Your hard earned money spent on giant foam knux at work, folks.

Random Commercial Thought: Sandwiches are for chumps.

Back to the show where we see Triple H become the second man to be dual champion. It’s time for the Mini rumble and Horny is out for his opponent….and it’s….Miniiiiii Kennedddaaaaah…..Kennedaaaah…. Mini Ken can’t reach the microphone. Oh my god kill me.

Kennedy gets clotheslined hard and almost tossed, but he crawls back in and Horny botches a dropkick. This is horrible. There’s a countdown for the midget version of Mankind. You know what when I typed that line about this being like Little People, big World, I wasn’t this fucking serious. Minikind cleans out and brings out his socko but Hornswoggle blocks it and throws Mankind. He manages to actually bench press Kennedy over the ropes. Batista’s midget actually seems to be the real batista before the steroids, but comes with pyro at least. This just hurts my soul. Spear from Miniteest. Kane eventually arrive and takes a Batista spin buster. The Batista Bomb is actually delivered pretty well and Hornswoggle does some kind of weird martial arts to toss Batista. Apparently that over the top rule was thrown right the fuck out. Little Kane does the uppercuts and comes off the middle turnbuckle with a lariat and sets up the choke slam. At least midgets are funny in that they make you feel big about yourself. Horny realizes he’s taller than Kane and prevents the choke slam before delivering a Celtic Cross of all things. Khali’s music plays and……it’s the real Khali. That, or he’s just a really fucking huge midget.

Miniteest attacks Horny from behind but runs from Khali who grabs Horny by the jacket. Horny escapes and Finlay runs in with a stick to beat Khali down into the ground and to the floor. He then fights with Singh for his stick. Can somebody send this shit back to Smackdown please?

Random Commercial Thought: Why doesn’t Savage ever cash in on this Macho Man commercial and sell out? I’m sure he could use the pay check.

Back to the show for technical difficulties before Finlay approaches Vince in the match thanking Finlay for saving Horny and saying he has nothing to do with Khali. Finlay threatens him but Vince gives him a chance to blow off his steam on Smackdown and tells him to not touch him again, because he probably has dirty Irish germs I bet. Now to ringside for the battle of over the top garish ring robes. Regal wants to get started fast but the ref holds him off because we have another commercial to take care of.

Random Commercial Thought: I pick live for nothing, I’m pretty good at it already.

Back to the match already in progress.

William Regal vs. Ric Flair (Career Threatening Match)

Regal is getting taken apart as Flair knocks him down and wraps Regal’s leg around the ring post from the outside. Flair chop block and lays in with a knee breaker before locking in the Figure Four. Regal stretches out and grabs the ropes as Flair has yet to realize his finisher is way too fucking long and leaves everyone near the ropes. Regal rolls Flair up off the ropes and holds the right, but the ref notices at the two count. Regal yells at the ref so Flair casually rolls him up with a fist full of tights that the ref conveniently becomes blind for.

Winner: Flair

Wow, that was fast.

Random Commercial Thought: Do sharks really laugh like that?

Back to the show where Orton is on his way out and I’m glad to find someone at the corner of the entrance ramp saved a balloon up just to bounce it off his head a few times. It almost made my day. Someone apparently didn’t bother to tell Jeff how gay that belt is.

Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton (Intercontinental Title Match)

Randy kicks Jeff in the balls.

Winner: Hardy

Wow. Just. Wow. Orton chucks Hardy to the floor and unrolls the protective matting and delivers and tries for an RKO but Hardy shoves him off against the ring. They start to brawl up the entrance ramp, but Orton eventually beats him down slams Jeff into the set. Orton sets up for the soccer kick and Hardy counters with a back body drop off the stage. Hardy favors his nuts and leaves Orton to the referees…before deciding to scale the support beam instead. Somebody give him Ashley and paste some chest hair on him and we can have King Kong. He keeps going up higher before Swantoning onto Orton in the mysterious black box that is so not filled with pads. Not even. The paramedics drag them both off.

Highlight of the Night: Fun spot with Hardy flying from the sky again.

Lowlight of the Night: Build up for a non-existent match.

WWE “Creative” Award: Why in the blue hell did we need a midget rumble?

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 
WWE RAW RANT: (01/21/08) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to Monday Night Raw, which at this point in time is kind of like me welcoming you back into Auschwitz after a brief reprieve from the daily beatings, and yet you keep wandering back on your own anyway. It's probably the Train Wreck syndrome that makes you want to look even though you know it's going to be brutal because you might get lucky and see a severed head rolling around on the ground in there somewhere. And with tonight's show going HD maybe you'll get to see it in clear, crisp quality. This is the part where I make some kind of back acne joke or something of the like, but since everybody ripped off all the material all week, I got nothing. Deal with it. Though.speaking of HD I heard we'll actually be able to see the bone fragments of all the tag teams Triple H has trampled into the heels of his boots. On another note, tonight Hardy and Orton must put aside their differences (Chiefly the fact that one is a boring dick and the other a flamboyant emo, I smell a sitcom!) and shake hands, because THAT always goes so well.

Raw 01.21.08

Show opens with a video bit about old Marty K. Nothing says Racial equality like the WWE. Try and say that out loud with a straight face. I dare you. We move on to a recap of Orton going straight for the balls and Hardy going to the top. Brutal slow motion replay of the death defying drop onto..a box full of pads. Pyro and Ballhoo, ay whut. The video has been changed to be running on a bunch of CGed buildings and the set is special and new. In case you forgot we are told it's in HD with 42 point font. They have these ridiculous extra screen and a giant overhead screen saying Raw. HBK is our first superstar of the night here to wrestle Kennedy.

We learn Kennedy was offered a spot in the rumble without needing to compete for it. Michaels wipes his ass with Kennedy's shirt.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Shawn Michaels

Kennedy works the shoulder early on and shoulder blocks Michaels down. He counters a hip toss with one of his own and lands an arm drag, trash talking like it's Xbox Live. Kennedy counters a Michaels facelock into a hammerlock and HBK escapes with some elbows, landing a sloppy shoulder block and tripping Kennedy for one. Wouldn't it be fun to see somebody win with something that ridiculous? But as we all know, no move is strong enough to put someone down but a finisher. Kennedy has to escape some near falls in a bridge. Fortunately for him, before he falls from that bridge, an angel shows him what the world would be like without him..pretty much the same, but without quite as much backlash about steroids.

Kennedy combines a neck breaker and a backbreaker into a Frankenstein's monster of rest holds. Randy Orton would be proud. At least it isn't a bear hug. Michaels tries to escape but Kennedy drops him in a back breaker then for two. Kennedy clubs him a couple of times and snags two more. Kennedy tosses Shawn in a corner and pussy slaps him around. Michaels fights out and gets in a swinging neck breaker. Some random black woman is shown cheering for him. We have equality damnit! It wasn't even Shelton's mama. Generic Michaels offense begins with two atomic drops this time instead of one. Michaels sets up and climbs for the elbow which he lands. The band is getting tuned up, but after all these years you'd think they'd have the fucking tone down by now in advance. Kennedy runs away from the kick so Michaels dives over the ropes as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Wasn't Psych some kind of board game?

Back to the show where Kennedy is in control again. Apparently he turned the SvR2008 A.I. off and took over manually again. He crushes Michaels for a close two count as the crowd rallies. Michaels is turned inside out in the corner but he casually lands on his feet again and clotheslines Kennedy. Both men are up and Kennedy tries the mic check, but Michaels counters, getting sent to the turnbuckle. Kennedy goes up top for the superplex which of course was like trying to catch Shelton's foot (Black reference for the win! Happy MLK day). Kennedy gets his knees up when Shawn tries an elbow and cries as he runs around. Kennedy scoops Shawn up to his shoulders with a death valley drier that gets two. Kennedy falls on his ass from dodging a super kick and Shawn scrambles for the submission, but Kennedy kicks him off. Shawn nips up and super kicks him anyway for three.

Winner: Michaels

In the back, Orton-Bot 5000 recounts what happened to him last week to Vince in question of why he should shake Jeff's hand. Vince gives him a pep talk of sorts, but my signal errors and I have very little idea what he was trying to say as several words disappeared. Though I'm sure it amounted to something like this: "What are you worried about? You've got a much better weapon than skills. You've got..The Look. And nobody can ever defeat The Look." I'm pretty sure.

Random Commercial Thought: I spent this commercial break passed out from the lack of air caused by Orton's suck vortex.

Back to the show where Beth Phoenix is here and in case you had the slightest of inkling of trying to be sexually attracted to her, she's brought to you by Saw 4 where you too can see a man's head be crushed by two massive blocks of ice.

Mickie James vs. Women's Champion Beth Phoenix (Non-title Match)

Mickie cartwheels out of an arm crank (Haha..crank..), but Beth continues overpower her, forcing her to bow back in a power struggle, dropping down on her for two. Mickie latches onto Phoenix's head with her legs and holds on as she stands, but Beth gets her off (Haha..Get it?.yeah..). Mickie forces Beth to the corner, but finds herself sat on the turnbuckle instead. Mickiecanrana is counters and Beth sends Mickie flying to the floor. Mickie's rammed back first into the side of the ring and Phoenix gets a two count. An odd chinlock follows. Women aren't allowed to do rest holds. I smell a duffel bag in her future. Mickie gets a roll up for two and tries a back slide, but Beth just flips her right over. Mickie battles back with a flying forearm and lands the Mickiecanrana this time but slopping. Wrap around clothesline is for two. Mickie tries her DDT and Beth hands her on the top rope instead because she apparently never thought to not scream dramatically before attempting the move. Beth drags her off the ropes into the Phoenix Arizona. Winner: Phoenix

Tard is in the back asking if Trips has discovered who his opponent is and he says no. He says it's because Vince was too busy trying to hide his liver spots from the HD tonight to tell him. Triple H says it doesn't matter who his opponent is, he will be in the Royal Rumble and it's a Guaran-damn-tee.

Random Commercial Thought: Some of these commercials just disturb me.

Back to the show where in the back Cody is talking about being ready for the Rumble. Kendrick or London whichever this guy is says he's qualifying tonight when Bob arrives to ask if Cody has his back. They joke about the Carlito wig and Myspace and for some reason Bob is all pissed off. Okay, pops! Chillax and hang with the cool dudes like..Cody.Rhodes.WTF? Cue video package on Orton. Bathroom break. Fun Fact: It shows Orton with his belt that he won from...an invisible opponent who doesn't exist though we see him RKO completely unrelated people right before holding up said title. You'd think the guy he beat for the belt that time did something to piss everyone off. I bet he was black. JR calls this the Legend Killer with the Legend Thriller.because apparently Jeff's a black zombie..racists. Elsewhere, Finlay and Hornswoggle are on their way. Help. Me.

Random Commercial Thought: Get those windows properly fitted because even a house doesn't like things hugging its holes wrong.

Back to the show. The Highlanders plan to settle an old vendetta with the Irish now. JR and King talk about celebrity families that need tough love and JR manages to make a low blow in on the Hogans right before we get started.

Finlay & Hornswoggle vs. The Highlanders

Finlay starts off with Rory and seems to be in control before Robbie taunts him. Finlay sends Robbie off the apron, but Rory gets a cheap shot in. Rory goes for Hornswoggle, but Horny bites him and Finlay teams up to level Rory. Hornswoggle dropkicks Robbie through the ropes and Finlay hits his Celtic Cross on Rory before tagging in Horny for the splash and the win. Winners: The bleedin' Irish

Finlay and Horny celebrate with little skippy dances. Fags. Elsewhere, Jericho is headed to the ring with a purpose. And that purpose is to live forever mired in the shadows of the less talented.

Random Commercial Thought: The Magical Amount? I haven't seen commercials this gay since Brokeback Mountain.

Back to the show with a video package on Jericho and JBL with the oh so appropriate footage of JBL trying to hang him with a chord from a weight machine.oh wait um, I mean Telephone chord....*runs*

Jericho seems to have stolen one of my outfits. I've been stricken with the sudden desire to cook a burrito. Jericho says JBL refused to enter the building when he found out Jericho was here. They bring his family into this further while I try to bring myself to care even a tiny bit what his son thinks. Nope. Give-a-damn's busted. Jericho says JBL made a mistake by not murdering him, because killing someone on National Television makes a lot of sense. Worked out for the Undertaker. He says their match will be a fight. They pimp the card for Sunday but I think this is the first time I heard MVP will be wrestling Flair. I figured he would just wrestle Matt Hardy's appendix. In the back, Hardy is getting a lecture from Vince now. He's like some kind of school counselor, only with more sexual harassment. On second thought, he's exactly like a school counselor.

Random Commercial Thought: Join John Rambo this Friday in his bid to shoot every thing in the jungle that moves.

Back to the show where additional seats for Mania have been released. Like they air dropped them into the arena. Kendrick is here to qualify when Regal appear son the screen to say if he wants in he has to defeat someone who already qualified. Who saw this coming? Umaga.

Brian Kendrick vs. Umaga (Royal Rumble Qualifier)

Kendrick charges and runs into an arm. Duck retard. And JR stop ranting about football you ass. Umaga misses a corner splash and Kendrick starts kicking the back of the knee. Umaga catches his foot, but Kendrick back flips, only to run into that fucking arm again. Has he forgotten where his arms are? Kendrick gets into a tree of woe, but just sits up out of the head butt dive. He kicks Umaga in the head and missile dropkicks. Flying forearm and standing heel kick still don't topple him. Running enziguiri has Umaga staggering more but Umaga shuts him down an Samoan Drop. Umaga tosses Kendrick up into a Samoan Spike. Winner: Umaga

In the back, Maria confronts a sobbing Mickie who says she is frustrated. Apparently Maria fights tyranny with the power of leopard print boob tops. Ashley shows up to ill the mood and talk about the playboy mansion party. Morella arrives reference Maria as a cow and say he doesn't need a subscription to playboy. HINT Maria is posing for playboy HINT.

Random Commercial Thought: Cloverfield is a giant monster flick. Accept it.

Back to show where we have a recap of the Trump/Vince feud from last year. They talk about each other in video segments about the Celebrity Apprentice. Holy shit, I couldn't possibly care less at all. At. All. Trips is in the back stalking when we come to ringside for King with 3D glasses on. King seems to have confused 3D with HD. I'm not joking. JR now tries to explain his Legend Thriller comment with a video package about Hardy.

Random Commercial Thought: Strange Wilderness is looking good.

Back to the show. Santino, with Maria and he shrinking supply of clothing, accompany Carlito out here with his shrinking supply of dignity. Cody comes skipping out with Holly as if he had to catch up.

Hardcore Holly w/ Cody Rhodes vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Santino Morella & Maria

Carlito misses a clothesline and a sambo suplex catches him for two from Holly. Holly runs sloppily into a boot in the corner and Carlito comes in with a clothesline for two. A reverse elbow gets another two for Carlito before he starts go for a chin lock. Holly breaks free and chops Carlito in the corner, suplexing him for two. Carlito hangs Carlito up on the top rope. Holly doesn't stay down long, tossing Carlito around and scooping Carlito up for the Alabama slam, but the distraction from Santino allows Carlito to slip in with the Apple Jack.

Winner: Carlito

Triple H is headed out looking pissed as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Christ, could the people who made Gears of War at least not reuse all their shit to a T in every other game?

Back to the show where they replay the last time Trips won the Rumble. We're then treated to the full entrance in GLORIOUS HD BOW TO YOUR PIXEL DEFINITION GODS. Time to find out who his mystery opponent is. Regal comes out to tell Trips some bad news. He has to beat three men and bury them completely by tossing them over the top rope one at a time in succession. His first opponent is Snitsky.

Snitsky plods in as Triple H attack. Harley Race knee lands and Trips does the single most obvious slow motion tossing out of the ring when he goes from high momentum to dead stop at the ropes. Snitsky fights loose and tries to dump Trips from over his shoulders. The Game slips off and eventually ducks a running kick, Hanging Snitsky on the top rope. Snitsky stops him from sending him out, but Trips charges back and clotheslines him over. Opponent number two is a giant jar of pudding.oh wait that's Mark Henry. Trips tries to toss him with no success, using a face buster, but Henry just runs him over. Mar tries to dump him, but Trips holds on and fights out. Henry scoops him up into a back breaker and tries another tossing, but Trips holds on to the ropes to stay in. Do you think they can hear boring chants through recap text?

Henry eats turnbuckle and Trips tries to scoop him, but collapses beneath his weight. Henry nails a corner charge and looks to nails Trips again, but Hunter drops and pulls down the top rope to send him over. Opponent three? Regal holds someone off then tears his own jacket off and runs in. Oookay? Regal wails on Trips, pounding him into the corner and performing a fireman's carry. Trips still holds on and fights out, hitting a spine buster. He then eats canvas.

Winner: Triple H

What the fuck was that crap? Time for our main event next. How sad is it when the main event is a handshake? I'm not sure I can even bring myself to care whether they shake or not.

Random Commercial Thought: Hockey Poker. A real man's sport.

Back to the show. After yet another Jeff and Orton package Vince stagger out, but I'm sure in HD you can probably actually see the broom handle in his ass that actually makes him walk like that. He introduces himself as being in HD and goes on to introduce us to Orton. You know what? If they're going to be in the ring and hand shake, they could at the very least, thumb wrestle or something. Vince goes on to say Jeff could hold the IC and World title as JR completely confuses Hogan and Warrior like a retard. One crazy, roided guy is like another I guess. Vince says this match needs no hype and has escalated out of control (Making the escalator into temporary stairs, sorry for the convenience). Vince calls for them to shake hands but asks for last minute comments. Orton-bot rambles about having been relieved he had to face Hardy and has underestimated him. He tells him he won something as important as a belt, his respect. Aaaawww. How cute. Shut the fuck up and pass the microphone. This isn't an AA meeting, Chuckles.

Jeff says he doesn't care for his respect. Probably because he did that storyline years ago with The Undertaker. He says he did the Swanton to hurt not impress. Jeff says he respects a lot of people more than him and foes to ringside to start with JR then King then Lillian. What about that fat guy? Some guy named Ryan gets come props and he starts picking out other fans and kids. He actually has to fight through the crowd with security to do this bit as they all want their piddly ass names on TV. He finally makes it make to the ring and Orton holds out his hand. Jeff just stares at him. Orton gets pissed and holds it out again and Jeff delivers a Twist of Fate. Huh. Nice shake. Jeff celebrates as the show foes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Maria's boobs. Seriously, that's all I got.

Lowlight of the Night: Main Event on the first HD raw is something as lame as a handshake, one that doesn't even happen.

WWE "Creative" Award: Triple H crushes three guys for absolutely no reason when he could have just crushed one as advertised.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 

WWE RAW RANT: (01/28/08) By Cameron Burge

Cameron has something to say: The IWC just had a collective brain seizure last night when their worst fear of Triple H winning the rumble was replaced by John Cena winning the rumble. HA! The funny thing about this is, the complaint seems to be the exact ones given to Triple H about winning being in the main event at Mania so much you know, because he's obvious done it as much as Triple H. Obviously. But seriously, this is a message aimed mostly at the forum members around here: Shut. The. Fuck. Up. And find something original to bitch about. Don't just hop on the hate wagon for whatever is popular, for Christ's sake. You and all the other people against Cena are just as bad as the girls and children who blindly support him and don't even notice it anymore. Besides, he's way more entertaining than Orton. Now I would like to go on to say that the Royal Rumble line up was absolutely pathetic. How pitiful is it that guys like The Miz, Roddy Piper, Snuka and even Mick Foley and Hornswoggle have to be in the match to fill up a 30 man match with decently big names? That's just sad.

Raw 01.28.08

Show opens with a recap of last night and Cena is out to a mixed reaction as per usual. Cena says he loved this city, wherever the fuck we are tonight, because no matter what they think they get loud and rowdy (but not very Roddy). Cena says he's here to answer a question about how it could be possible since he was injured. Wow. He knows how to say Pectorals Muscle.oh wait, no he didn't say it right, never mind. A Cena sucks chant begins but is shot down when he tells the crowd that's music to his ears. He talks about the state of the title and his condition. He says he risked his career and health to get in the match for Mania and damn the heat is piling back up now. He says it might have been luck and skill (or you know.booking) but the impossible happened and he is back. He says he's going to Mania unless people want Mania to happen tonight and somebody in the back has something he wants. Apparently he's not going to dick around like Taker declaring his challenge? He demands his match with Orton for the title tonight. Orton decides to respond to this by standing at the head of the aisle and staring at him with a "Duuuuuh" slack jawed expression on his ugly-ass face. He says he has an answer for him that he doesn't want to hear. He says he's been issued so many challenges and the same thing has happened to every challenger. Triple H didn't like them. Oh. Wait. That's not what he said.

Cena says Orton took him out of commission which was totally not caused by Mr. Kennedy. Not even. He says Randy will take the match for the same reason he took him out before. He shows off his surgery scar and says Orton never beat him but right now he has an advantage with the bad muscle. Have I mentioned how much I hate this new technocratic stage background. Orton says he's now a bigger deal than Cena has ever been (Orton's Serious Business). He says he won't wrestle unless these people pay to see it. Apparently all their seats were free? He challenges him to a No Way Out match instead. He doesn't forget that Orton took the fans from him he even points out that he missed Section C20 telling him he sucks. He says he'll be getting some tonight which I assume means buttsex.

Random Commercial Thought: Who the hell gave Melina an endorsement from Mundos anyway?

Back to the show where Ashley is here with fucking pyro. I assume they had to have some sort of noise that masks the complete fucking apathy that accompanies her to the ring. She's teaming up with Mickie tonight. Jillian Hall is here and I have to remember to get my hands on Jillian's Christmas Album to play at max volume. Lillian forgets to add the word Champion to Phoenix's introduction for a moment. It almost sounded like an Orton promo.

Mickie James & Ashley vs. Women's Champion Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall

Mickie and Jillian start off with Jillian landing a monkey flip, but Mickie flips out to land on her feet and dropkick for two. Jillian kicks low and tags in Beth but a taunt from her gets them to start brawling. Mickie dodges a corner charge and tries one of her own that has he smacking her shoulder into the ring post. Mickie rallies back again but Jillian kicks her in the back allowing a side slam from Beth. Jillian cartwheel elbows for two and then runs into an elbow herself in the corner. Mickiecanrana from the corner and Beth is back in. Mickie decides not to tag when she sees Beth coming in and attacks. She uses a crucifix rollup to get a two count that has Beth rolling out and accidentally landing on the ref. The fat bastard. Mickie rolls her up for another two and Beth and Jillian team up on Mickie but not in the sexy way. Mickie manages to toss Jillian to the floor but Beth clubs her in the face and delivers the Phoenix Arizona. Jillian holds Ashley's foot to prevent the save.

Winners: Beth & Jillian

Mickie cries some more. Bitch. God, Ashley is so sad she was just added to this so it wouldn't look like a handicap match. In the back Vince and Regal discuss the main event for Mania since they don't have one now and Regal suggests "That Match" to face the winner of No Way Out. Not "That Match"! oh no!

Random Commercial Thought: Bored? Go point and laugh at a PS3 owner.

Back to the show where Regal arrives to announce that they will be having the Elimination Chamber. Apparently this was SO spur of the moment that he had time to make a promotional video about it. Regal's having a lot of trouble talking tonight. Maybe he's possessed by Rainman. He goes over the rules of the match to What? Chants. I didn't know Shark Boy was here. The participants include, Umanga...while the gayest theme ever now plays. Next is Shawn Michaels, then Chris Jericho. JBL..sad. Jeff Hardy gets the massive pop and Triple H is the last. Next we go to.who the fuck is this guy? Mick Adamle or something counts down the card for tonight. Why the fuck do I care? He calls this epic, since all the good reporters reference pup culture bullshit terms for the win.

Random Commercial Thought: Yellow is the color of real men.

Back to the show. Ashley claims she got a call from Hugh Heffner in a replay of last night. Yeah. I'm sure. We go to ringside with Carlito who seems annoyed to still have to come to ring with Maria and Santino. I still think Maria's face looks like it was stolen from a little girl. Cody apparently got apple in the eye last night.

Carlito w/ Santino & Maria vs. Cody Rhodes w/ Hardcore Holly

Carlito goes low and gets arm dragged by Cody who wrenches the arm. Thankfully, Cody has switched to blue now instead of gay green and yellow. He no longer appears to be a rejected 1940's super hero. Cody chops Carlito in the corner and dodges a counter charge by Carlito, rolling up for two. Another arm drag into an arm wrench. Carlito has to make the ropes and seems to be favoring his arm now. Cody drops down on the arm again. I just wish Cody didn't have to thrust his crotch bulge at me every time he wrenches it tighter. Carlito and Cody start brawling and Cody holds the ropes out of Irish whip. Carlito is dumped to the apron and Cody socks him in the jaw hard. Cody follows and tosses him back in. Holly chases off Santino when he distracts Cody and the camera completely misses the Apple Jack from Carlito.

Winner: Carlito

In the back Trips and Shawn are talking about the Elimination Chamber. HBK says it's a little bit of a draw back having to get back in the game with the most demonic structure ever made (Beelzebub's temple?). Trips says he needs a partner tonight and is way ahead of him by pulling off his shirt to reveal a NEW DX shirt. HBK hops off screen and hops back on in DX gear as well as Trips comments on how fast those WWEshop guys deliver (the pay load in your face).

Random Commercial Thought: Another Go Daddy commercial for the super bowl?

Back to the show. DX intro, special new style even. What's the point of designing all this new stuff for them every few months? Triple H says something about banned stuff and then asks if we are ready. I'm ready for you to shut up. Trips says someone committed gimmick infringement last night on them with the announcement, Michael Buffer. That rich asshole gets paid whenever you say Let's Get Rumble. Umaga and Snitsky are out next. Didn't Trips beat these guys by himself? Why did he need a partner? King makes an attempt at witty dialogue. This fails about as much as Stone Cold's movie career.

Degeneration-X vs. Snitsky & Umaga

Snitsky and Trips are in first with a tie up and Trips just walks away from the tie up to get a microphone. He asks for a tooth brush tic-tacs or mints please. A brush your teeth chant begins. Heh. Some retard has an electronic sign for Shawn Michaels with a light-up flashing broken heart. Trips comes out of the corner with a clothesline and tags in Shawn who works the arm. He tags right back out to Trips who comes in with a punch and more arm wrenching. Snitsky scoop slams and misses and elbow drop. Shawn is back in with chops and a flying forearm and nip up. Michaels has to punch Umaga who tries coming in. Michaels goes up top and Umaga kicks him down to the floor.

Snitsky retrieves Michaels and takes us back to olden days by locking in the bear hug. This looks like some kind of kinky gay sex pose actually. And when a giant bald man like Snitsky is involved, it doesn't help. Michaels escapes and gets slammed back into the corner. Umaga and Snitsky double team by distracting the ref so Umaga can choke him out. Snitsky chokes Shawn out with a boot to the throat and tags in Umaga. Umaga starts to attack Michaels with some kind of mauling bear hug. When you do a bear hug, you are not supposed to wrestle like an actual bear.

Random Commercial Thought: In the future, everything will be the same except with more special effects.

Back to the show where Shawn is still getting crushed by Umaga. Umaga grows tired of this and tags in Snitsky. Back to the bear hug. Good god I hate that hold. Snitsky lifts Shawn on his shoulder by catching him in a mid air dive for the tag and slam him to the corner. Nice spot. Umaga sets up fro the ass Crash but (butt) misses. Shawn goes back for the tag but Umaga catches him as did Snitsky, his fingers an inch from Hunters. Michaels keeps stretching but spins out into a DDT. Finally both men crawl to the tag. Hunter face busters Snitsky and Umaga gets pissed, pushing Snitsky down and delivering a Samoan Drop to Triple H. Shawn Superkicks Umaga to the floor and dives out while Trips ducks a Hanger Banger for a spine buster and pedigree for three.

Winners: DX

Back to the back where Orton and JBL exchange words in roughly the same way I suspect Sting spoke with Robocop when they teamed up against the Four Horsemen. Something about taking care of business and John Cena is he shows up in their tag match.

Random Commercial Thought: I'm hungry. I want a burger.

Back to the show where Jeff is in the back, saying he will win the Chamber and go to Mania. Elsewhere, Vince calls Hornswoggle a loser. Hey, he didn't get eliminated! Maven rules! Maven Rules! Vince kicks him out of his office and throws his little Irish hat away as we go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: Purple robes. The garments of true evil?

Back to the show. We get a rewind of Flair's first win without outside help of some sort in a long time. Man, I've never heard the new Smackdown announce team before. They DO suck balls. Brian Kendrick is Kennedy's opponent tonight it seems.

Brian Kendrick vs. Mr. Kennedy

Kendrick runs to the ring, slides in and bitchslaps Kennedy right in the face, a good place to slap if you don't want to look exceedingly gay. Kennedy slaps him back and stomps Kendrick into the corner. Kendrick rolls to the floor and starts kicking Kennedy in the leg when follows. Kennedy whips Kendrick arm first into the side of the ring. Kennedy starts to work the arm and rams Kendrick into the corner. Kennedy continues to work the arm in a deadly, deadly hammerlock. Kendrick starts fight back with kicks, taking a free standing enziguiri and going up top only to miss entirely. The Mic check ends things for Kendrick King of Jobbers.

Winner: Kennedy

Kennedy calls for his microphone and says he begged Regal to not put him in the chamber. He says he wanted a match with more historic value that someone else hasn't done, which is end Flair's career. He says he'll put Flair down like the (horn) dog he is. Flair's music plays and the Nature Boy struts out in a suit to respond. He says he has two things to say, Good Luck and Whoo. That was.in depth.

Random Commercial Thought: So E-surance turns me into a cartoon character?

Back to the show where it's a slow news day so we need to look at WWE.com for a while. Lots of pictures of Cena with his shirt off. Speaking of shirts off, Melina is here. Why doesn't she take hers off damnit?! No Way Out's ad is apparently a literal representation of what the upper guys do to Hardy with him drowning under water with chains around his neck. Classic. Here's Maria. I'm completely desensitized to her body now actually.

Maria w/ Santino Morella vs. Melina

They trade off sloppy arm lock and Melina elbows Maria in the face. Melina misses a clothesline and Maria kicks her before coming in a with a butt thump. She manages to botch a bronco buster and Melina causes Maria to bust her face in the corner which pisses off Santino. Melina chucks her around by the hair. Some kind of funny head lock follows into a neck breaker. Maria slaps Melina in the kidney and Melina bitchslaps her back. Sloppy as fucking hell head scissors by Maria. God this match is awful. Heidenriech wrestles better than this. Maria does a gut buster that she also fucks up. Christ's sake get the slut out of the fucking ring. Some kind of anal rape scene in the corner and Melina tries to sun set flip, pulling Maria's pants down. Maria sits on her for the three. Winner: Maria

Maria celebrates and Santino wraps his a coat around her ass to cover it. Santino accuses everyone of fantasizing about her and JR of erecting a small monument. What's he talking about..ooooh. He talking about puking in the liberty bell and says no one will ever see her in Playboy before dragging her out.

Jericho is interviewed about the Elimination Chamber and his match tonight and says manages to cut all his catch phrases into one sentence, but for some reason talks about doughnuts. He says both he and JBL will go to Orlando but he's going to Wrestlemania while Jibble goes to Disney World.

Random Commercial Thought: Quizno's quality Italian sandwiches baked fresh to you by Indians who plan to cut back every portion and jack the prices. Good thing I can still get authentic Mexican at Taco bell! oh.wait.

Back to the show. That random reporter asshole talks about No Way Out. Who the HELL is he? Jeff Hardy arrives to much less of a pop. I love how a HUGE letter by letter sign in the crowd has it spelled HADRY. While JBL and Orton take their damn time getting to the ring, I spent it watching James Rolfe's countdown of the greatest giant movie monsters. Good times. However, I am jerked back into the harsh reality at hand. The ref has to keep Jericho and JBL apart from each other and Jeff decides to let Chris start off with Orton.

Chris Jericho & Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. JBL & WWE Champion Randy Orton

Jericho ties up and Orton breaks it. Has anyone ever noticed Orton stalks around before the tie up like a hunch back. I assume he believes it makes him look crazy and intimidating instead of just retarded and physically dysfunctional. Jericho launches into offense and kicks Orton down, flattening him with a suplex before staring Jibble down. Jericho elbows Orton, but he counters back. Jericho slides through his legs and levels Orton with a jaw buster to both knees. JBL comes in and Jericho hammers him to the floor. Hardy tags in as Jericho dives out to chase JBL. Hardy lands a Swanton and goes for the cover, but JBL drags Orton to safety or as JR puts it "Saves Orton from Victory" as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Peter Frapton, or however it's spelled, joins the long list of people in need of a pay check from car insurance companies.

Back to the show where Orton is dominating Hardy now as he ties him up and tags in JBL. A few people try to rally for Hardy but the crowd seems to relatively be quiet. Hardy manages to land the leg drop to the midsection on JBL, but Orton hits Hardy from behind. Hardy knocks him off the apron and JBL crushes him for two with a boot to the face. Orton back in now with his ever so vicious kicks and knees. He pins Hardy in a smothering manner last seen by Daniel Benoit. Orton casually hugs Hardy's arm. I assume this is supposed to be a hold, but he hasn't moves his arm at all. Orton rolls over Hardy's back to tag in Jibble who stomps on him some more and puts Hardy in the corner for big rights. Orton kicks Hardy in the gut, but he manages to switch up to a wrap around clothesline. Jericho rallies the crowd for Hardy. JBL is in followed by Jericho who tackles him multiple times and goes for a Lion Tamer. Orton tries to clothesline him from the outside but a springboard dropkick sends Orton to the floor. Jericho and JBL tie back up and JBL runs into a boot to the face. Lion salt hits its mark for two when Orton breaks it up.

Hardy attacks Orton and goes for a Whisper in the Wind, but Orton follows him in and shoves him off the top into the ring barricade. The ref goes to check on Hardy on the floor while Orton leaves as Hardy has put the Walls on JBL. Orton manages to NOT completely air bomb the RKO on Chris this time around and JBL picks up the pin when the ref returns.

Winners: Orton & JBL

Cena's music plays and he casually strolls down stripping gear as he goes. JBL pats Orton on the back and then abandons him completely, leaving Orton to take a shoulder block and an FU.

Highlight of the Night: It gets harder to define something as good enough to be a highlight these days so I will give it to Cena leaving the crowd speechless with his Music to his ears comment.

Lowlight of the Night: HORRIBLE match with Maria and Melina. New epic levels of shit. All it needed was an injury to perfect.

WWE "Creative" Award: Kendrick is used as a jobber in the meantime of being partner less. Just horrible in what could have been a midcard singles push of sorts.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).