RAW RANT ARCHIVE (January 2007)
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January 01, 2007
January 08, 2007
January 15, 2007
January 22, 2007
January 29, 2007
WWE RAW RANT: (01/01/07) By Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (01/08/07) By Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (01/15/07) By Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (01/22/07) By Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (01/29/07) By Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
InfernoRage1 (8:11:11 PM):
FUCK
InfernoRage1 (8:11:15 PM): FUCK FUCKITY FUCKFUCKFUCK
actorgersh (8:11:23 PM): WHY
actorgersh (8:11:36 PM):
i already feel sick
Winner:
Hardy
Winner: Donald
Winner:
Carlito
Winners: Cryme Tyme
Cruisin down the street in my six-fo''
jockin’ the bitches, slappin’ the hoes.
Went to
the park to get the scoop.
Knuckleheads out there cold, shootin’ some hoops.
A car pulls up, who can it be?
A
fresh El Camino rollin’ kilo G.
He rolled down his window and he started to say,
“It’s all about makin’
that G.T.A.”
Coz the boys in the hood are always hard
you come talkin that trash and we'll pull ya card
knowin'
nutin in life but to be legit'
dont quote me boy coz I ain’t said shit.
And after that musical interlude we
have arrived. Though it’s not like we’ve arrived at the gates of heaven (no doubt to be greeted by Ronald Reagan
and the White Jesus) but more like we’ve arrived at that bathroom from Rest Stop, only without the psychotic hallucinations
(Unless you’ve been in RVD’s stash) and finger eating.
So uh…where was I? Oh, wrestling right. Well,
tonight’s the night to see if Vinnie can recover after a show so horrendous he was able to start a chant for the only
other company out there, and right after the loss of one of his top main eveners. Let’s roll.
Raw 01.15.07
Our main selling points tonight, designed to glue your ass to the seat faster
than an all night Jenna Jameson film fest, are the Rated RKO handicap match and a new contract signing for Cena/Umaga. Speaking
of Cena, the show opens with John’s music and out he comes to some mild heat. The ring’s already set up for the
signing with the black carpet and desk while John dances around and Coach, who’s apparently been in the ring this whole
time lurking amidst the shadows with his evil blackness, takes up the microphone to introduce Cena as the champion saying
it may be the last time we ever hear him say those words because Cena will be facing Umaga. He introduces Estrada and Umaga.
You know, could someone explain to me what Cuban’s and Samoan’s have in common? How the hell did Estrada come
into possession of Umaga? Did he pick him up cheap off the black market or something? Coach says there is something Cena needs
to know before he signs and who better to choose the match type than Estrada. He picks a Last Man Standing match. Umaga signs,
writing pretty good for a crazy HEATHEN. Cena wonders if they actually think he’s crazy enough to sign a Last Man Standing
Match with a monster. He decides he really is crazy enough to sign it.
He says the other thing everyone should know
is that he’s full of surprises, leaping across the desk and taking Umaga to the floor where he decks him with the steel
steps. Cena then takes Estrada into the ring for an FU before saluting the audience, but I gotta wonder what kind of ass backwards
salute that is anyway? It’s like some sort of horrible hybrid salute between Britain and America (god forbid!). They
pimp the DX match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: N-I-G-G-A-R, They’re the Niggar Family.
Back
to the show. Melina and Johnny Nitro are out and what the fuck is with his pink bathrobe? What is he my mom? OH GOD THE IMAGES.
I need to wash my brain. It’s a mixed tag match and they rerun Melina’s horribly botched Extreme Make Over before
Hardy and Maria come out, Maria dancing like Hardy.
Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy & Maria vs. Johnny Nitro
& Melina (Mixed Tag Match)
Hardy starts off with Nitro, Jeff picking up a decent chant while Nitro this some European
uppercuts and his Breakin’ It leg drop. Nitro tags out to Melina and so Jef has to tag Maria in. She dodges a punch,
slapping Melina and slamming her into the turnbuckle before hitting a bulldog which is at least better than Melina’s
of her own. Maria kicks her in the jaw, but Nitro catches her off guard, allowing Melina to wrap her in the roped as a cheap
excuse to show off her cleavage….mmmm…cleavage….
Uh….oh yeah, Melina goes for a Camel Clutch
and keeps the pressure on until Maria hit’s a head scissors. Nitro tags in and hits Hardy off the apron, grabbing Maria
by the hand, but she stomps on his toe and Hardy comes in with the mule kick. Jeff hit’s the whisper in the wing before
heading up top but Melina grabs his foot only to get knocked off by Maria. Nitro racks him up top instead and climbs up for
a Superplex, but is sent down to the floor and nailed with the Swanton Bomb instead for three.
Winners: Maria & Hardy
After
the match Vince is in the back with coach calling The Donald, and apparently Mickey answers because whoever it was didn’t
know who vinnie was. He assure them he’s a friend of Mr. Trump and wants to be put through but Donald’s having
dinner despite it being of “urgency” and Vince says he knows the number to call back. Vince tells Coach he’ll
call back as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The Truth commercials are obviously ploys by TobaccoCorp
into annoying us into smoking more. Reverse Psychology.
Back to the show where Edge and Orton come our in their new
shirts which are nothing but torn up work shirts. They stand at the stage while their music plays until the DX theme starts
only to be replaced by a flat line. Orton cuts a promo to explain that to anyone who didn’t get it. (Thanks Ted that
was the joke). Orton goes on to say Hunter is done and won’t be able to help Shawn and compared to what they’re
going to do to him tonight will make it look like Trips got off easy. Which, according to Steph, I heard he gets off really
easy indeed. Orton says he has something to take care of in the back (Gym bags beware!) handing off to edge. Edge says Michaels
got his start here in Cajun country, but they said there might be people who want to help Shaw in the back, then he has to
check on Orton. They drag out Hacksaw who looks like he’s bleeding jam from his mouth. Apparently Jim gave Shawn advice
on his TV debut night. They then bring out some chairs to USA chants. Edge goes for the conchairto while Orton holds off the
refs and trainers at the entry ramp as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Part of the instructions section
of Axe reads: “Designed to seduce the ladies. If you spray it, they will come.”
Back to the show where
they replay some of the Flair/Kenny feud before they both come down to the ring for match number four or five I think.
Ric
Flair vs. Kenny Dykstra
Kenny gets chopped all around the ring for his trouble, before taking a pretty rough looking
headlock takedown. Ric works the headlock (take a shot) and gets whipped to the ropes, taking a low dropkick to the knee.
Kenny starts working the leg and hit’s a forward rolling leg pull before suplexing Flair for two. Kenny tries for a
figure four, but Flair blocks it, escaping and going into a chopping frenzy. Flair gets the tables turned on him and Kenny
rolls him up, but Flair rolls through with a handful of tights, only scoring too. Flair follows up with a trip up and puts
his feet on the ropes for three.
Winner: Flair
Kenny gets all pissed and throws a fit as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: Man I totally zoned out just now. Is this what it’s like to be Vince when he’s listening to
suggestions to improve the show?
We get a Smackdown Rebound of Taker not getting to face Batista at the rumble. We
see Shawn coming into the building when he learns the news of Duggan, but says he hadn’t been planning to do anything
with him. The Nature Boy comes out in a DX shirt to tell he has his back.
We go to the back with Vinnie and coach waiting
on the call, but finally Coach asks what Vince wanted to talk to him so badly about. Vince brings out a letter her received
from Trump stating that he found the “skit” to be lame, and not up to standard and that the people would rather
watch the superstars wrestle than see a lame sketch (no shit?). The letter ends with a pimp for the Apprentice to which coach
talks about for a second. Vince finally declares he’ll give him compelling television is that’s what he wants
as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Well, now that Ive seen more of Will Ferral’s crotch than
I ever wanted to see in my entire life, how about we get back to the show?
Ah here we are. Vince rants for a moment
saying that the fans would rather watch in the ring action than the poor piece of comedic sature according to Trump. He says
he knows many of us enjoyed it so he forces us to watch it again. Oddly enough there are cheers in the replay and not boos.
Hmm….Vince says he’s sure we’ll agree with him that was brilliant then asks again, and for some reason a
few people actually are cheering. He says it’s so good we need to take another look at it in slow motion. Vince says
he operates differently, he doesn’t ask the audience what they want, he tells them what they want and then they like
it.
Vince decides to bring out the one who started all of the Trump/Rosie stuff and introduces Miss USA. He introduces
her twice then cusses her out and it’s Torrie in a dress. Torrie wanders out in her HORRIBLE dress and Vince asks her
if she has anything to do. She reads her lines from a card, saying she’s been a bad girl and wants to make it up to
America’s favorite billionaire. Vince starts to hit on her when Carlito’s music hits. JR calls him Caribbean Cool
Carlito. Vince wants to know what he’s doing out here. Carlito says he knows he’s taking a big risk coming out
here and despite what he thinks Vince is not cool and that thing last week was bad…really bad. In fact, it sucked. He
says this thing with Torrie is brutal and Trump was right, he doesn’t know what the people want. If he did, he’d
know they don’t want to see stupid skits, they don’t even wanna see Vince talk. They want to see people fight.
Vince
says if Carlito wants to fight…he takes off his jacket…then brings out Khali who for some reason was just waiting
right around the corner in case McMahon needed him to fight some random jabroni. Carlito tries to attack Kahli to big Carlito
chants, but Khali just slaps him around. Carlito tries his springboard elbow, but Khali just swats him away. Khali follows
with a double choke slam and Vince sends him off before saying “Now that’s cool.” Torrie is holding he mouth
like she just threw up a little as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The revolution is apparently in
my abs. Fear my six-back GW!
Back to the show. Mickie is out for a title match with victoria and here we go, wheeee!
Women’s
Champion Mickie James vs. Victoria (Women’s Title Match)
Victoria gets all pissed about hair pulling, diving
to the floor to complain to the ref and Mickie drags her over the top rope for some solid spanking before Victoria takes a
cheap shot to send Mickie to the floor. Victoria follows through with a baseball slide and dropkicks Mickie in the stomach
before slamming her HARD across the ring. Victoria stands on her hair and pulls Mickie up by the arms. Victoria catches the
Mick Kick and forces Mickie into the splits before putting her in a leglock. Mickie fights out and clotheslines Victoria .
Mickie goes on the offensive, hitting a reverse elbow and a head scissors out of the corner for two. Victoria catches her
in the tilt-a-whirl sideslam, but only picks up two. Mickie comes out of nowhere with a spinning thrust kick for the win.
Winner:
Mickie
Onward to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, where we use reviews from
Mr. Disgusting as legitimate reviews.
Back to the show where they play footage of Masters getting his hold broken in
Iraq, but he’s in the ring to tell us he has a signed document by Vince here tonight to say that due to outside interference
the hold was never officially broken. He asks who wants to be the first. Suddenly we here “Damn” and Ron Simmon’s
fucking comes out to the old APA theme. Jesus. Chris says he wasn’t really referring to him and ass for anyone else,
but Ron shoves him down. Ron, the man who once feuded with The Rock andled the Nation of Domination is now wearing a novelty
T-shirt and sitting in a chair while a chiseled white guy practices his hold on him.
Ron sits down and Chris puts the
hold on him. Chris jerks him out of the chair and ron starts flexing heavily to try and break the hold. Simmons look sot have
it broken then drops down some as Chris applies more pressure. Sudden Ron powers back and looks to break it again when super
Crazy runs in to break it up. Crazy dropkicks Masters in the knee, then leaps off the top turnbuckle into a flying DDT. He
follows with a moonsault and leaves, celebrating. Ron comes back in, grabs a mic and looks at Masters. He goes to speak then
pauses….and pauses again…I get a sandwich….he pauses again…and finaly says it. JR and King say he
broke the hold as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: There are monkeys in the bread basket.
Back
to the show. They tell us that once again the outside interference has nullified the break on the hold as we find out Rated
RKO knocked Flair unconscious in the back. YOYOYO, it’s time for Cryyyyyme Tyyyyme. JTG is out for a singles match.
He’s here to face fellow brother, Shelton Benjamin.
JTG w/ Shad vs. Shelton Benjamin w/ Charlie Haas
Shelton
starts with the early advantage until JTG hit’s a cross body for one. Shelton counters a corner head scissors into a
shoulder breaker. JTG gets beat down in the corner by Shelton until he comes out of nowhere with flying dropkicks and rights,
but runs into a heavy super kick. Shad removes the turnbuckle cover again like last week, but Haas goes over to put it back
on. Shad then goes over to where he was, tripping Shelton while he tries to power bomb JTG, allowing JTG the pin for three.
Winner:
JTG
Tard is in the back to give us our Flair update saying he’s been loaded into an abulance when a rather flustered
Shawn Michaels appears saying he knows he’s going to ask what he plans to do in such impossible odds. Michaels says
he’s glad because no he’s got nothing to lose which is just how he likes it and he’s going down in a blaze
of glory (like Richard Pryor) and taking as many people with him as he can. He then proceeds to super kick Tard in the face
as we all probably stand up and cheer, except for me, I’m fucking lazy.
Random Commercial Thought: The Champ
is hungry?
Back to the show. They run a video package of Hunter seeing he doctor about his knee. You know, not a damn
other person out there would get this kind of coverage for an injury and damn I do not want to see close ups of a huge lump
of muscle hanging to the other side of your leg. Team Rated RKO comes out and hey look, they got shiny shoulder covers! Cool,
I wonder what those things are for? Orton does his Michael Buffer impersonation and security is then issued to grab all the
DX signs and one guy hilariously tells the fat white bastard who jacks it to suck it. Heh. But wait…what’s this?
They only come back with like…twelve signs and There’s another RIGHT BY THE RING as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial thought: I was cooking Deal with it.
Back to the show where Michaels arrives to the DX theme.
Shawn
Michaels vs. World Tag Team Champions Team Rated RKO (Handicap Tag Match)
He comes in and goes crazy, sending Edge
to the floor and unleashing on Orton, back body dropping him. He tosses Orton out as Edge comes back in, going into chops
in the corner. It’s then we find out this is a tag match, oh how vicious! That they can only fight him one at a time.
Edge finally makes the tag to Orton who tries to take Michaels down, but Shawn hit’s a Lou Thesz press into mounted
punches. Edge pulls down the top rope for Orton to whip him to the floor then Edge follows with a crushing clothesline on
the outside before tossing HBK back in.
Orton tags in Edge who goes to the corner with heavy pounding rights and the
ref drags him off fighting with him rather than…you know disqualifying him. Orton beats on edge from the ring apron
while the ref is with Edge and the ref pulls him back off only for Edge to return to doing it as well. The ref finally peels
them off, Michaels now busted open. Orton tags in and pick sup two off a clothesline before hitting the inverted backbreaker.
Edge tags in for more pounding rights in the corner and know I don’t mean the kind of pounding rights you deliver to
yourself on a lonely Friday night.
Orton drags Shawn around by the head, showing him off then delivers some rights
only to be met with chops. Shawn tosses him to the corner and delivers a series of chops only to get turned inside out in
the corner, but he comes back off into a decking clothesline. Edge finally tags in and looks to have Michaels taken care of
until shawn hit’s the flying forearm and nip up. He scoops slams Edge then drags himself to the top rope. He hit’s
the elbow and lays down on the ground dead and twitching. Michaels finally drags himself to his feet and tunes up the band,
but Orton comes in so Michaels tackles him for more punches. Edge spears Michaels and all three of them lay in the ring, just
relaxing and soaking up the night air it seems. Edge rolls to the floor and retireves some chairs.
The ref calls a
DQ despite the fact he hasn’t done anything yet whatsoever.
Winner: Michaels
Edge places Michaels into position
and Shawn kicks up to knock the chair into face. He then slams the other into Orton’s. Michaels gets up and kicks them
both in the knuts before retrieving time old friend, Sledgie which for some reason JR KNOWS belongs to Triple H because no
one else puts a fucking sledge hammer under the ring. Michaels beats Edge In the ribs with it then knocks Orton in the face.
He fires up to huge pops, setting Orton up for a conchairto. Edge tries to stop him, but has to roll to the floor to avoid
getting killed. Michaels coinheritor’s Orton and goes Steve Austin in cussing Orton out as the DX theme plays. Edge
looks like he was in fucking Apocalypse now “The horror…the horror…..” as we go off the air.
Highlight
of the Night: Tard Grisham gets shut the fuck up. Huzzah I say! I have a dream, and it’s been fulfilled!
Lowlight
of the Night: Kenny. Flair continues to non-build while Flair doubles up in the DX storyline for story fodder. Yawn.
Eugene
Award: Vinnie Mac continues to push the Donald Trump affair with threats of the real Donald becoming involved later on, can
we honestly say this is anything short of Eugene?
Raw 01.22.07
Tonight’s show is in memory of Bam
Bam Bigelow who passed away recently. Hopefully he’s having a sumo match with Earthquake in that big squared circle
in the sky. Or he’s rotting in the ground. But I’m just a heartless bastard.
The show opens with
clips of Shawn Michaels kicking some ass last week against Rated RKO single-handedly and giving Orton a Conchairto. It’s
also reminded that Flair and Hacksaw were laid out as well before hand.
Speaking of Shawn, the DX music hits. HBK comes
to ringside to tell us he felt something he hadn’t in a long time, but this is only after he goes through a series of
orgasmic groans and grunts. He felt he could overcome any odds again. Next week, Michaels takes on the Lottery! He goes on
to say that his Christian BRAINWASHING has made him repress those emotions but not anymore! The spell is broken. Can I get
a Hallelujah, God Bomb, Hell yeah?. He wants to take on the odds, take on obstacles. The Showstopper is apparently back. Despite
that being the name of Big Show’s finisher. Shawn says he thinks he can be WWE champion again, all he needs is to marry
Steph first. He points out Sunday is the Royal Rumble despite the fact that until tonight we haven’t even mentioned
it’s existence. Whoo! Way to build. The winner gets to main event Wrestlemania. He's taking his new reborn passion into
that match against 29 other guys who don‘t really matter. He says no mortal man can stop him fulfilling his destiny.
Edge decides to interrupt this particular diatribe. Edge says much of what you might expect, that in fact he’s
the one who will be taking that coveted Mania spot, you know, because we haven’t seen Edge/Cena enough times already.
He wants to be WWE champion again. Shawn tells him to shut up and calls him out right now. Edge decides to go for it and the
two break out into fisticuffs, the horror!. The fight spills into the crowd as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial
Thought: This one time at band camp....
Back to the show where backstage our two buddies are still going at it, hitting
those random pipes into the floor that always seem to be so plentiful in the backstage area of any arena. Ever wonder what
the hell those things are for anyway? Why are they just sitting there? Coach comes out to break them up, having Michaels hauled
off of him.
Back to ringside where we have our first match for the night, it’s a Smackdown vs. Raw match only
without the horrifically long load times. Joey Mercury, who apparently now channels Zorro with that mask he’s got. They
replay Nitro and Mercury’s attack on Nitro.
Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Joey Mercury w/ Melina &
Johnny Nitro (non-title match)
Jeff attacks MNM en masse and Mercury still has his furry coat on (FUR KILLS!). Mercury
recovers quickly and tosses Hardy to the floor. Nitro exposes the floor from the mats, but the ref ejects him from ringside.
Melina‘s tits are soon after ejected from ringside as well. Mercy hammers at Hardy and goes for a facelock. Apparently
he’s trying to "injure Jeff’s face" like Hardy (OW my nose!). Jeff scores a flying forearm and the whisper
in the wind, following with the Twist of Fate for three.
Winner: Jeff
Backstage, Vinnie Mac is all pissed again.
Coach comes in to tell him he has Edge and Sean under control and he wants to throw these guys out of the arena. Vince has
a better idea (Euthanasia?). He wants to see a match and books Edge v Shawn Michaels in a street fight tonight. He then
heads to the ring to make another announcement. Probably Trump related. You know, we could all be reading a book right now.
Commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Shotta SUCKS. Don’t see it! Avoid it! Destroy every copy! Save yourselves!
Back
to the show. Coach comes out with Vince, walking six feet behind him by Vinnie‘s orders. Vince has another letter with
him and it’s his return letter to the Donald (God help us all). "You suck" chants begin with King saying they are talking
about Used Trucks. (*rimshot*) It’s apparent that King has been told to laugh through this whole thing and boy does
it ever come out forced. So...let’s skip the rest of this crap which amounts to Vince saying he should be on the Apprentice
to make the ratings go up. Out comes John Cena to interrupt the chairman. Cena decides to start with the adult insult of "pussbag".
Cena points out that Vince is obsessed with Trump like he was with DX. Cena doesn't think he won that feud. Cena brings up
the XFL next. So why would Vince want to kiss up to Donald Trump? In the end, Coach ends up pissing Vince off and gets himself
booked into a match with Cena. Oooo, bet he’s shaking in his boots.
Random Commercial Thought: ECW, in your house
for a limited time only, soon to be kicked to your curb instead.
Back to the show. Masters is coming out and they show
Crazy‘s attack on him last week. We get a promo from Super Crazy about how he attacked Masters last week in Spanish.
he says it’s because he’s both Crazy AND Super. He’s fucking SUPER Crazy. How insightful.
Chris Masters
vs. Super Crazy
Masters lays into Super Crazy with rights and knees, tossing him to the floor and all around the ring,
but Crazy comes back with a cross body for two. Masters tries for the MASTERfull Nelson and Crazy slips loose of the hold.
Masters grabs his legs and goes into the Ocean Cyclone instead. Backbreaker leads into a knee to the back and a chinlock (take
a shot). Crazy begs for crowd support. The crowd is picking their noses. If Lawler doesn’t stop saying the word Funny
I’m going to cut myself. Crazy hits a back elbow and a spinning kick. He follows with a dropkick to the knee and one
to the head. Lawler says "He's all jacked up on Mountain Dew.". Missile dropkick and the moonsault only get a two count. Crazy
misses a charge and the MASTERfull Nelson is on, but Crazy pushes off of the ropes to pin Chris for the win.
Winner: Super
Crazy
Backstage, Coach tries his best to weasel his way out of the match to Vince, but to no avail whatsoever. Elsewhere,
Shawn is seen taping his fists up as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Is Nacho Libre really an epic
film?
Back to the show. Maria interviews Kenny Dykestorm or whatever he‘s called. What‘s that name again?
I don‘t think they say it enough. He's in his first Royal Rumble this Sunday. He says he'll make history as the youngest
winner ever then the youngest Wrestlemania Main Eventer as well. Maria isn't sure he can get the job done (like last night?
OOOOH BURN!). Kenny says he beat Flair three times so this will be his year.
Somewhere else, in a galaxy far, far away.
Edge is getting ready but Orton comes in looking beat to hell. Apparently Shawn beat him with a makeup kit rather than a chair
from the looks of things. He talks about all the abuse he took last week. Orton is pissed at Edge for leaving him to Shawn
last week, saying Edge should have been there for him. Orton tells Edge he should have been there for him. He says the Rumble
is every man for himself too. Edge wants to know if Orton wants revenge or not and is told to wait and see.
"Ladies
and Gentleman" by Saliva, our new Wrestlemania theme song.
Cena hits the ring for his match. Coach comes out with a
microphone. He says he can't change the match but seeing as Vince has gone now, he’s in charge again so he's booking
Cena in another match first. He plans on sending wrestlers out to throw Cena over the top rope like the Rumble, because we
need to pimp the hell out of it as fast as we can. He starts things out with Cade and Murdoch.
WWE Champion John Cena
vs. Everyone (What the fuck are the Rules? Match)
Cena gets beaten down and stomped. Cade hits a running neck breaker.
Coach signals for another as Cena powers back. Murdoch gets kicked in the cajones. Flying shoulderblock. Clotheslines. Protobomb
on Cade. Murdoch gets FU'd over the top. Cena follows with a Five knuckle shuffle on Cena. Coach gets pissed with this and
sends out Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas..... and Viscera. They all beat on the fallen Cena until Vis drops an elbow. Oh,
and why the hell not, let‘s toss Khali out there too. Shelton explains what Khali should do since he’s slower
than a Dell Computer. Khali, decides he don‘t like that and throws Shelton over the ropes and out of the ring. Haas
is neck...then Cade finally. Vis attacks him, but Khali drops him with a huge right that‘s supposed to be his excuse
for a finisher in the video game. A big boot follows and the crowd is actually into this shit.. He dumps single handedly dump
Viscera. Cena is up top by now and hits a flying shoulderblock but he just bounces off. Khali growls and tosses Cena out.
Winner:
Khali
After the bell has sounded Khali runs Cena into the ring steps for good measure. Great Khali continues to beat
Cena into the dirt like a dead horse, before deciding he’s done and trotting off.
Coach jumps in there and pins
for 2. (Is this a separate match or what? O.o)Cena is up and beckons Coach to bring it, but out comes Umaga with Estrada for
the DQ. Umaga flattens him and Coach and Estrada have a table. Samoan Spike (Thumb of DOOM!) Estrada directs everyone with
flailing arms. Umaga goes up top and splashes Cena through the table. Estrada decides to helpfully count Cena out to demonstrate
the results of the Last Man Standing Match.
Random Commercial Thought: Funny burger People make Cameron laugh. Heh.
It
took Cena the whole damn break just to get up off the ground, the trainers are helping him.
Candice Michelle &
Women’s Champion Mickie James vs. Melina & Victoria
Candice has had "cosmetic surgery" here and looks pissed
as hell at Victoria. Melina takes over on Mickie to start the match off. Mickie-canrana takes Melina‘s early advantage
right out of the picture.. Melina fakes an arm injury to distract the ref allowing Victoria to grab Mickie by the hair. They
follow with a wishbone leg pull that doesn’t seem to hurt her one bit. Victoria cheap shots Mickie with the Candice
"nose-breaker" kick. That gets a two count. Victoria misses in the corner and gets confused as to who her opponents are for
a short bit, looking like she‘s lost. Candice tags in and starts with the hair pulling and scratching. Victoria kicks
her in the face again for her troubles. Mickie prevents the Widows Peak though. Mickie hits a Lou Thesz Press to the floor
on Melina and Candice hits a shitty spin kick off the top for the pin.
Winners: Candice & Mickie
Thank God it’s
over! We can now seek solace in commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Cool, Saw 3 is coming to DVD soon.
Back
to the show where they replay Carlito getting crushed by Khali. Speaking of whom, he and Torrie are out to face Kenny.
Carlito
Caribbean Cool w/ Torrie Wilson Chloe vs. Kenny Dykstra
The match starts off slow and a bit confusing with Carlito
faking getting poked in the eye to cheap shot Kenny while the ref is checking him. Carlito hits heavy blows and a clothesline
and dropkick combo. Carlito misses his follow-up in the corner so Kenny drags him over by his hair, since there’s a
great deal of it to grab for two. Short arm clothesline from Kenny, rolling through into another. A flying back elbow picks
up a two count. Kenny hits heavy elbow to the head to get two more again, following with a chinlock (take a shot). Carlito
tries to rebound, but misses entirely, landing on his feet, he pounces Kenny to beat on him, hitting a hurricanrana for two.
Springboard back elbow and a sunset flip but Kenny stops it for two when Carlito rolls through. Carlito gets two, but Kenny
escapes and rolls him up with the tights for the win.
Winner: Kenny
After the match they run a Team Rated RKO segment
about tonight’s match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Beware strange men bearing Wii!
Back
to the show where backstage, Cryme Tyme try to sell Super Crazy and Eugene numbers in the Royal Rumble. They go along with
Super Crazy’s name spiel. Crazy‘s pretty happy with the number he got. JTG has a special number for Eugene though,
it’s #30. Shad tells him it's a bad number and that he wants #1 instead. They get him to chant "I'm number one" before
Shad reveals off camera the numbers they're selling aren't actual numbers at all. Afterward, they say they sold a copy of
The Scream to Ron Simmons which turns out to be fake (guess what he had to say about that).
JR and King run down the
Royal Rumble card and tell us Cena may have a ruptured Spleen. Does anyone even know where the hell that is?
Elsewhere,
Shawn is on his way to the ring as we go back to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought:
Edge vs. Shawn Michaels
(Street Fight)
It’s yet another fight to begin with. Shawn takes off his belt and commences to whipping the
black into Edge with it. The same ribs he injured with Sledgie the SledgeHammer last week. Edge eats his own belt and Shawn
bails for the apartment furniture. he returns with a chair and a trashcan. The latter hits Edge in the head. Shawn sends Edge
to the floor and leaps over the ropes, but Edge nails him with the trash lid. Comemrcials.
Random Commercial Thought:
So, what do you get when you mix a Jew and an Irish man? An alcoholic who buys wholesale (Thanks Gersh)
Shawn is bleeding
when we come back. During the break, Edge had nailed him with a ladder. Shawn fires back with punches to the ribs. Edge goes
to the top ropes to suplex the ladder onto Shawn. The pin picks up a two count. Edge bridges two sets of ring steps with the
ladder between them. He goes for a power bomb but Shawn punches out of it his way loose. They start beating on each other
again and Shawn counters with chops, because those are WAY more useful than a solid steal object of course. Shawn eats a boot
to the gut and powers back with the flying forearm, nip up, atomic drop.
Shawn grabs a chain and chokes at Edge out.
He then bounces his head off the buckles with the chain over his face, then punches him with a chained up fist. Edge is busted
open now as well. Edge gets slammed on the ladder that’s still bridging the steps. Shawn slides underneath it and goes
up top. Edge cuts him off in the elbow drop and they fight on top over the ladder. Edge gets dumped off anyway with a front
suplex onto the ladder. The elbow follows and Shawn fires up, tuning up the band. Edge ducks the music and boosts Shawn lands
neck-first after an electric chair drop (modified). Edge seems to be looking for a spear, but Shawn counters it with a Lou
Thesz press. Michaels clobbers Edge with a chair and sets up the Conchairto. Orton comes from nowhere with the RKO to allow
Edge to pin Michaels for the win.
Winner: Edge
After the match, Orton tosses Edge over the top rope to prove a
point. He goes for the Conchairto on Shawn but Flair runs and decides to take a beating to Randy’s two best friends.
Kenny makes a guest shot to attack Flair, but Carlito is right behind. Shawn and Orton are fighting by now and Michaels decides
to Superkick everyone, ending by sending Orton over the top rope with it. Edge looks scared on the steps again, crawling away
as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Decent street fight. Not one of the best by a long shot,
but entertaining enough. The ending needed help though.
Lowlight of the Night: Vince won’t let Trump rest
in peace. Enough said.
Eugene Award: Kenny winning the rumble? BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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