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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (January 2007)

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WWE RAW RANT: (01/01/07) By Cameron Burge

Two holidays in a row? You gotta be kidding me. Come on Vince, give us all a fucking break! Where’s that best of the year show? Give me a week off you bastard!
 
Well, I guess since you all showed up (and why wouldn’t you? It’s not like any of you have something resembling that of a social life. I guarantee at least ten people reading this are in their underwear, and at least three of them are touching themselves this very moment. Live with that image.) So, for those of us denied a drunken rampage by being forced to work in the morning, New Year’s went off without a hitch, the rest of you, well, you should probably pop a couple of pills before subjecting yourself to the build for that hot Fed-ex/Cena feud.
 
Raw 01.01.07
 
Happy New Years or whatever. Whatever’s supposed to be happy about a new year I’ll never guess. I mean, it’s not like one night of beer makes everything better (though it may well SEEM that way). The humorous bit about our big Cena/Federline match is the eerie similarities between the appearance of the two.
 
Our show opens with a recap of Federline showing up two weeks ago to challenge Cena to a match tonight. The real question is why the hell do we have to repeat his entire name every time he’s mentioned. Federline, or Kevin would work just fine. He even speaks of himself in the third person, like some kind of scrawny, pasty version of The Rock. After the theme, we unleash all the armaments we stole from the soldiers last week to blow up the entrance ramp ad Cena is out to a big pop, but its not like there’s a whole lot of choice on who to cheer for tonight, like having to choose between BBQ Pringles or Pringles Lite. Lillian reads K-fed as a celebrated recording artist, dancer and entertainment mogul. He comes out in a Rocky Robe, dancing to his own music like an epileptic. Cena looks bored. Kevin says he’s got some news, but calls his lines like a fucking porn star. He refers to Coach as “Coach Man” two separate words. He says there’s been a change in the match to make it no DQ so nothing will stop him from beating ass then he introduces his personal trainer in Nitro. Nitro brings duffle bag which he hopefully kept very far aware from Randy Orton tonight.
 
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Kevin Federline w/ Johnny Nitro (Non-title match)
 
K-fed and Cena face up against each other and Cena tosses his shirt off to big pops. Kevin does boxing warm-ups with Johnny in the corner before telling Cena and the ref to hold on. He then puts on a mouthpiece from the bag. Fed-ex tells them to hold again as Nitro fetches shoot fighting gloves. Cena asks “What the fuck?” JR points out the gloves should be checked and we’re going to start before Kevin tosses the robe and hodls on to put on his helmet, and unfortunately it’s not the “special” kind. Cena looks exacerbated by this point and we finally start the bell.
 
They circle each other and Cena holds himself out, hands behind his back for Kevin to go for a free headlock. Cena just lifts him and tosses him off. Nitro goes for time out, calling Kevin over to chat. They speak about locking the fingers in a hold and Kevin removes the gloves. They’re still saying his whole fucking name. I wonder if they are required to drop it every so often. Nitro gives he ref a chair and sets it down in the middle the ring as they declare a Masterlock Challenge instead. Cena sighs and offers himself up in the chair, not much unlike a whore. Kevin puts it on and Cena just break it with ease.
 
Federline returns to his corner again and removes the headgear and mouthpiece. He offers up for a wristlock/test of strength. Kevin tries both arms on one, and takes Cena down. Federline goes for a cross arm breaker and Cena lifts him up, putting him on the turnbuckle. Nitro runs in and eats a clothesline, getting tossed from the ring before Federline kicks him in the nuts from behind. Federline bad mouths him and Cena scoops him into an FU only to get attacked by Umaga and Estrada. Estrada has the belt, giving it to Umaga while Kevin and Nitro go to the floor. Umaga levels Cena with the belt when he stumbles up. Estrada taunts him then sends Umaga away so Federline returns to the ring and reclines on Cena for the pin.
Winner: Fed-ex
 
Jesus Christ. It’s WCW all over again. I need some commercials to calm me down.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Cedric the Secret Agent? Also of note is Bill Goldberg appearing moving in a pinball table in a Psych commercial.
 
Back to the show where they replay the results of our “match” once again. In the back, Kevin is celebrating with hoes and Nitro and two random black guys in his sweet. Maria comes and knocks constantly on his door when Melina interrupts her. She asks if Kevin feels his match was tainted by interference. Melina says that isn’t tainted, it’s a huge win. She says she’ll give Kevin a present and she needs to go to the ring to find out. Melina calls her a bitch and delivers a pride obliterating bitchslap. JR and King talk about what happened to Dx at the hands of Edge and Orton. DX is in the back waiting on them. We then go to inside the dressing room when Coach comes in to congratulate them. Coach says its time for payback for all the humiliation they suffered last year at Cena’s hand. Tonight is Cena against Umaga, Estrada, Coach  and Nitro in four on one handicap match. They toast to it as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: I never really see the point of running a commercial for the same thing back to back. Kind of stupid to barrage people with the idea.
 
The Miami Heat are here with tons of repica Cena belts. Cryme Tyme is out appropriately as we prepare for an eight man tag team match. They steal Shaq’s wallet. The Highlanders will be helping them out in taking on Murdoch & Cade and The World’s Greatest Tag Team.
 
Cryme Tyme & The Highlanders vs. The Rednecks & The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Eight man Tag Match)
 
Rory starts off with Cade who works some clotheslines in the corner, but Rory lands a cross body and drags him to the corner where JTB tags in. he taunts and gets leveled, but hit’s a drop toe hold to regain the advanatage. JTB tries to set Cade up, but gets tripped from the outside. Haas tags in and begins working JTB over with a underhook suplex that gets two.
 
Shelton tags in, kneeing JTB in the back from an Irish whip. Murdoch tags in, much to Shelton’s surprise. He hammers JTB and doubles teams a leg drop with Cade who tags in only to bomb an elbow drop. Shad tags in and levels Cade with clothesline and a running boot to the side of the head. Suplex on Murdoch gets two when the heels hit the ring to break it up. Everyone dives in and  bodies start flying from the ring, ending with Shad and Murdoch. Jawbreaker on Murdoch leads to a neck breaker on the top rope from the outside by JTB to pick up the three.
Winners: Highlanders & Cryme Tyme
 
They pimp Cena’s challenge before sending us to an ECW commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Mmmmm….Leeeeeeches….
 
Back to the show. Wrestlemania 23 recall for Hogan/Andre. JR declares Coach to be more powerful than Oprah despite having never once laid waste to the beef industry with a single utterance as we find out he made a match for Maria and Melina. Hardy is out next before Rob Conway shows up to interrupt his entrance, saying he made a New Year’s Resolution and he’ll be a winner from now on. He says he’ll quit Raw if he loses. THANK YOU GOD. They tie up…anduh, the match is over just that quick. Hardy rolls him up from nowhere for three. Conway gets all pissed but Vince’s music hits and Vicne struts out in his Hawaian flowered shirt to shake Rob’s hand. He says as everyone knows it’s that time to make new year’s resolutions. But 99.9 percent of them will break them. He says it took Conway less than a minute to break his. He says his resolution is to stop being so damn nice and stop allowing people to take advantage of himself such as Donald Trump, even though he has his hands full with Rosie O’Donnell. Though he calls her Yokozuna and I have to say the resemblance is uncanny. He goes on to say the certain phrase Trump uses originated here on Raw and says he won’t allow Rob to quit, because he’s fired as we go off to commercials and the unemployment line.
 
Random Commercial Thought: I had a phonecall so you’ll have to live without I believe.
 
We come back to a replay of Kenny defeating Ric, but refusing a handshake afterward. Kenny is interviewed by Tard backstage, saying it was just Flair trying to save face with the handshake. He then says he’s going to show us how death comes in fours. Ford, James Brown, Hussein,  and now Flair’s career, I would have chosen Joseph Barbara and the dad from Everybody Loves Raymond to round at that list, but that’s just me. We then get a video package of the current events between Edge/Orton and DX before zipping back off to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: I enjoy finding limbs in trash cans personally. It adds a certainly personality to it.
 
Back to the show and DX are in the arena, one nerd is making a DX logo with glowsticks. Hunter goes to do their usual announcer schtick, but Shawn says he has to say he can’t do this because he can’t believe what he just heard. He says he’s seen lots of men claim they are the future, yet all of them are gone or jerking curtains. He then goes on to say Randy and Edge seemed to actually have a pair, managing to actually drop DX. He continuously talks about the growth of Orton and Edge’s balls, but tells them on Sunday they’ll be discovering there’s a big difference between having a set and knowing how to use them. Hunter says tey didn’t show because he heard they had a double yeast infection. He then says they think they have them in the palm of their hands (He’s got the whooooole world. In his hands….) they then point out Vince thought that too and ended up with his face in Big Show’s ass.
 
Hunter says they are like frosted mini wheats. It sort of pitters off from there, losing most everyone in a vague and rather lame reference. They talk about showing their dark side on Sunday before we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: I wish I too had a midget to hang from the ceiling ad eat Skittles.
 
Back to the show where we get ready with Melina. She enters the ring with a variation of her usual entrance, followed by Maria, but they are interrupted by Victoria while the ref holds Maria back, still holding her face from a slap that happened an hour ago. Victoria goes to ringside as we begin the match.
 
Melina vs. Maria
 
Victoria tells us she has one new name on her list that she didn’t get as we are lead to believe it will be Melina while she and Maria catfight in the ring. Melina gets slammed face first by her hair into the mat, then ties Maria in the ropes and beats her down. Maria goes to flip over into a bridge ad pin on Maria, but botches it big time, leaving her only the option of pinning Maria again for a miraculous pin and lame finish.
Winner: Melina
 
After the match, Victoria comes in and gives her a psycho look, then just leave the ring and grabs Lillian Garcia instead. She means to give her a widows peak in the ring, but Mickie runs down the aisle and kicks her in the stomach, beating Victoria around and out of the ring as we return to our regularly scheduled commercial broadcast.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Silence is golden, so why don’t we all shut the fuck up and get rich?
 
When we come back, we get a video package of the Troops special. The funny, yet creepy shots of the stars on the plane features several voyeuristic shots of sleeping divas, including Edge leering over a sleeping Lillian Garcia with a creepy grin on his face. Unfortunate there is no shot of Orton sneaking away to the bathroom with her bag. And yes I’ll never let that joke die. Ric and Carlito are here, huzzah. When Masters and Kenny come out, they marvel over his new last name and hometown. Kenny seems to have K-fed syndrome in that they constantly say his full name.
 
Carlito Caribbean Cool & Ric Flair w/ Torrie Wilson vs. Kenny Dyke-o or whatever his name is & Chris Masters
 
Carlito starts with Masters after we learn the broken Masterlock has been stricken from the record. Masters tags immediately to Kenny who unleashes on Carlito with furry. Carlito regains the advantage and tags Masters in as Carlito exchanges with Ric Flair. Flair wastes little time in chopping Masters down before locking in the figure four. Kenny eventually breaks it up as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Stomp the Yard, sort of an “evolution” of The Stomp, but more of a movie planning to cash in on younger, impressionable urban youth with hot actors in erotically themed dancing.
 
Back to the show. Carlito is bent backward over Masters’ knee, we see that during the break Masters tripped Carlito during his springboard elbow. Carlito tries to recover when Kenny tags in with chops, but Kenny tags back out for Carlito to be held for a flying axe handle from Masters. Kenny tags right back in for a falling elbow that picks up two. He reverts to a chinlock that JR blatantly calls a break for Carlito (take a shot). Carlito tries to elbow loose, only to find himself shut right the fuck down by a reverse elbow from Kenny.
 
Masters tags in, using what appears to be the power of his testicals on Carlito at one point. He forces Carlito back to the corner, punching him while Kenny sneakily holds his tights to keep him in place. Carlito tries to fight out, but eats an under hook suplex for two. Back to the headlock. (Take a shot). Masters Military presses Carlito then tosses him down, dragging Carlito up to his feet. He whips Carlito who hit’ the springboard reverse elbow this time. Carlito tries to go make the tag, but Kenny runs in and takes Flair out by throwing him to the steps. Masters clotheslines Carlito then signals the MASTERfull Nelson. Carlito tries to fight out of it, but just sort of falls down eventually, but Flair chop blocks Masters’ knee from behind to make the save.  Kenny tags in and misses a corner charge allowing a tag to Flair.
 
Flair lights him up with chops and rights in the corner, continuously chopping Kenny around. Flairs sets up for the figure four, but while he’s taunting, Masters levels him with a clothesline. Carlito takes Masters to the floor and they fight up the aisle. Kenny tries to beat Flair with the figure four, but he knocks him off. Kenny then rolls Ric up in the corner and puts his feet on the ropes for the win. 
Winners: Masters & Flair
 
Flair then grabs a mic as Kenny retreats to the back, telling him if he wants the respect of himself and the fans he’ll come back out and continue this, but Orton and Edge come from behind to take him down. They grabs themselves some chair and give Ric a Conchairto in the middle of the ring. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t we already see this? The doctors and trainers check on Flair as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Quick! Name every movie Paris Hilton has been in!
 
Back to the show. They talk about Edge and Orton before counting down the card for NYR, and how sad is it that I didn’t even know it was going to be a World Tag Team Championship match until just now? Talk about props. We replay Cena losing earlier before getting a shot of what looks like the rejected cast for Reservoir Dogs heading to the ring to take him on in a handicap match. Listen to the whispers in the wind. The commercials. They beckon.
 
Random Commercial Thought: OCD is the shiznit.
 
Back to the show. K-fed is out and if we are supposed to be calling him Kevin Federline, why does it still say K-fed in his entrance video in huge white letters? He says he doesn’t like to say he told us so, then he rambles on and on. So, how about those playoffs? He says he’ll be taking a seat on the side of the stage, but it would probably be safer at the announce table. He says he can see Cena, but he can’t see K-fed. Goddamnit, as if this match weren’t bad enough, why does Kevin have to be on the mic too? Coach is out next, followed by Nitro sadly without his paparazzi. Umaga and Estrada follow them out to round out the quartet. Now if they could just carry a fucking tune. Cena comes out ready for a fight, already without his extra gear and drops the belt at ringside.
 
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Umaga & Armando Allejandro Estrada & Jonathan Coachman & Johnny Nitro (Four on One Handicap Match)
 
Cena rushes in right to Umaga and they begin with a big brawl. Cena tries to bounce off the ropes, but Coach catches him from behind. Cena begins knocking the heels out of the corner, shoulder blocking Umaga for a one count after dodging a corner charge. He  dodges another charge, Umaga crashing through the ropes to the floor. Nitro comes in only to get clotheslined and beat around, tossed to the floor in the end. Umaga comes from behind with a Samoan drop. Umaga drags him to the corner to do his but drop, but Cena raises the knees to his nuts. Nitro gets clotheslined on a run in and Cena drags in Estrada and Coach. Umaga attacks, but Cena drop toe holds into the STFU. Estrada brings in a chair to hit Cena with, but Cena grabs it and pounds Umaga with it for the DQ.
Winners: Umaga, Coachman, Nitro, Estrada
 
Nitro comes from behind…right into an FU. Coach is the only one left and he gets an FU too before Cena storms the announce table to drag Kevin to the ring for an FU. Cena celebrates and shows off his belt to Umaga and Estrada retreating up the ramp as we go off the air.
 
Well, happy New Years everyone. This recapper is retiring to sleep off some stress if you know what I mean. Take care and stay tuned for yet another year of The Wrestling Fan offending you weekly in brand new and interesting ways.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 

WWE RAW RANT: (01/08/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the show that is somewhat like ER, but with a little bit more believable excuses for drama and just as many torn leg ligaments. As you probably all know by now, Triple H once again sent himself to the sidelines with a debilitating leg injury and at a rather inconvenient time for the company to boot. This ought to up his injury frequency in Raw vs. Smackdown’s GM mood finally.
 
Raw 01.08.07
 
Our main selling point tonight as music and pyro bring us in, is that tonight we have Donald Trump vs. Rosie fucking O’donnel of all people. We actually show the clips from the DX match last night before going to ringside for our proper opening. Then we get Cena, still our WWE champ headed out to tell us that last night was one of the toughest fights he’s ever had despite Estrada saying it was a fluke on WWE.com. He says he feels damn proud to be able to say he’s still here and he can’t get the fluke thing out of his head like he couldn’t beat Umaga again because he doesn’t know what dumb bastard he’s dealing with. A very very dumb bastard indeed. Cena offers a rematch for the title tonight but that’s probably just his concussion talking so he asks the crowd if they wanna see because why the fuck would we have payed for it if we can just see it for free tonight of course. The crowd wants it, but Coach’s music interrupts and says that is very brave of Cena and since he’s already talked to Umaga tonight, he’s giving him a well deserved night off. Cena asks if that means Umaga will show up in five minutes of on his way to the car, or when he’s in the shower….probably wearing a dress to boot if that’s the case.
 
Coach says Cena does not have the night off because he says since it’s the new year, superstars become available to be signed, and he may not be defending his title, he’ll be in action against Raw’s latest acquisition…the Great Khali….jeez….The only way to describe fan reaction to this is to copy and paste my exact words with our own Gershon Levvy.
 
actorgersh (8:11:02 PM): AGHHHHHHHHHH
InfernoRage1 (8:11:11 PM): FUCK
InfernoRage1 (8:11:15 PM): FUCK FUCKITY FUCKFUCKFUCK
actorgersh (8:11:23 PM): WHY
actorgersh (8:11:36 PM): i already feel sick
 
Khali comes in to the ring to stare Cena down as me and Gersh agree that even if Cena is in no condition to compete tonight, Khali is in no condition to compete ever. Vince McMahon is up next after a video package about Rosie and Donald before giving a promo that ends a look on his face that simply screams “I just shit a solid gold brick” as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Reality shows need more murder.
 
Back to the show. Uh Rosie shows up to talk to Vince….and uh…is it just me or did she get even uglier somehow? Hmm I wonder….Anyway our “Rosie” talks about the stuff he gave her to get her here, including this fudge cake and its pretty creepy. This whole segment goes over like an XFL Blimp.
 
Back to ringside where Jeff comes out, holding his back like an eighty year old man after his cage match last night with Nitro. He’s here to take on Kenny Dykestorm or whatever his name is. Maybe he came here with Rosie.
 
Kenny vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title Match)
 
Kenny and Hardy tie up and Kenny gets forced into the corner, looking to be the youngest IC champ of all time tonight. He comes out of the corner with heavy clubbing blows on Jeff’s back, whipping him to the corner, but Hardy leaps over and mule kicks, then slingshot dropkicks Kenny in the sternum. Kenny rolls to the floor and eats a baseball slide, followed by a slingshot over the ropes as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Gustov is your favorite killer Gator
 
Back to the show where we find out during the commercial break he ate retaining wall after being shoved off during the whisper in the wind. Kenny is going for the deadly headlock (take a shot) but Jeff gets loose. Kenny goes into a crazy rolling armbar, jerking Jeff up into a quick clothesline for two, then picks up another two off a reverse elbow. Hardy catches him in a jaw buster then a flying forearm and starts to fire up on Kenny. He hit’s the whisper in the wind this time for two. Kenny crawls to the corner and catches Hardy with a boot to the face. Kenny comes off the top and takes a dropkick to the stomach. Nitro trips Hardy at the ropes after he gets pushed off a Twist of Fate, but Flair comes in from behind and low blows Kenny. Hardy hit’s the Twist of Fate and the swanton for three.
Winner: Hardy
 
It’s at this point that I noticed Hardy’s hair looks like it was colored by holding it in a toilet that hadn’t been flushed in a few weeks before pulling the handle repeatedly. We go to the back where Rosie sneaks into the Diva dressing room *shudder* at least she didn’t bring a camera with her. We once again replay clips from New Year’s Revolution as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Beware the marauding bikini models.
 
Back to the show. Yet again we see a clip of Hunter being carried away from the ring. They then reveal Team Rated RKO win by default in that match and Hunter will be out four to six months. In the back, Rosie is looking down Maria’s shirt as she shows them pictures. She drops them on purpose to check out Maria’s ass. She says she’s gonna go beat Trump and Maria says she thinks Rosie liked her outfit as we go to the back with Khali and a hobbit…oh wait that Tard. The crowd chants “What’ when Khali speaks and I’m saying the same damn thing. “WHAT THE FUCK?” We run another Donald/Rosie package and see Melina and Victoria headed to the ring as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Man, I’ll have to remember to kill all hitchhikers before they kill me.
 
So. We have a tag team women’s match here and uh….you know I really don’t care. Nice to look at but not much to expect in this one. Albeit all you need to know here is that Melina defeated Maria with a botched bulldog from the corner she calls the extreme make-over. After that we go to the back where “The Donald” of the non duck variety is getting his huge ass wig sprayed….and sprayed….and sprayed. Worst. Donald. Ever. It’s even the wrong hair color. Let’s get some more commercials, I’m running low.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Why the fuck is John Cena in  a subway commercial?
 
Wrestlemania recall of Bill Goldberg and Brock Lesnar with piped in crowd heat that I don’t remember being in that match at all. Vince comes down to the ring to introduce Rosie and The Donald, they meet in the ring and we find out why they didn’t do any skits with the Donald, because he  even does a shitty impersonation of the nan to boot. The ref has to explain the rules to them then they start the match after both going to their corner. Gersh would like to point out that Left Leaning Lesbian is Triple L, our replacement for another over inflated in ring performer.
 
Rosie O’Donnel vs. The Donald
 
Rosie tells them to wait a minute and goes to the announce table to eat some more of Fudgie the Whale. Rosie gets back in the ring after a bit, tying up with Donald and just tossing him off as “Boring’ chants ring through the arena. She shoves him away again, tosses him back to the corner again. Good God this is awful. Kind of like a sort of train wreck you can’t look away from. Big Boos for the both of them. Donald removes his jacket and goes to a headlock (take a shot) He then runs at her only to fall flat on his ass. The second attempt meets with the same. Rosie uses a Lou Thesz Press (O.o) Much to everyone’s surprise to beat on him, pulling Trump’s hair. She then imitates Hulk Hogan to HUGE boring chants. JR says nothing about her reminds him of Hogan, but I believe that would be a mistake.
 
At any rate, Donald realizes his hair is harder than steal and attacks with head butt, only to get pinned during a body slam attempt for two. The Crowd gives a fucking TNA chant. Trump takes the Whale fudgie and smashes her in the face with it before going up for a diving hair butt for the end and FINALLY the crowd cheers.
Winner: Donald
 
JR says we had some fun here tonight but I ask you: Who the FUCK had any fun? They pimps the Team Rated RKO celebration as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: John Triton, not quite straight to DVD. Now unrated with more explosions and hopefully naked hot chicks.
 
Back to the show. Carlito is out for a rematch from the PPV because nobody needs to pay for that shit anymore. I have a theory that the goatee, is actually just Carlito’s hair, having grown to it’s maximum height, has now begun to grow down through his head, eventually bursting back out of his chin.
 
Chris Masters vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
 
Right from the get go, it’s a fist fight apparently as both men start swinging. Carlito hit’s the Million Dollar Knee Lift, but Masters lands a Military Press slam to shut him down. Carlito gets choked in the corner as Torrie comes running and bouncing to ringside to support him. Masters whips Carlito to both corner then catches him on the rebound with a clothesline. Masters pulls Carlito into a bear hug after only picking up two then Torrie begins pounding the ring (HAHA….pound….). Torrie distracts masters and Carlito dropkicks the Masterpiece when he turns around. Torrie takes the ring bell and nails him in the leg with it, allowing Carlito to hit the Apple Jack for the win.
Winner: Carlito
 
Masters does his best Triple H impersonation while Carlito and Torrie celebrate. JR and King talk about NYR and thank everyone for watching (people watched?). They replay the footage of DX’s match last night and Orton and Edge come to ringside limping (and with a neck brace in Orton’s case) As we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Sorry I was too busy calling your mom and sister for a little tripe Threat action of my own. Booyah! (Shut up they can’t all be gold)
 
We come back to Edge and Orton who replay Hunter’s promo last week on what he would do to them. Orton says that judging by the way they look, it seems DX kept their word. They go on to say they made a promise last night too, and that was to put a painful and definitive end to DX which also happened, losing a battle and winning the war. Is it just me or has Orton inflated a little more? Orton recaps what we’ve already seen many times over tonight in videos, so why we need him to repeat it is anyone’s guess. Orton says it was all worth it because in the end he and Edge could stand in the ring to say to everybody that last night Triple H tore his quad…again. Way to go Chuckles. Edge finally takes the mic to list all the people who failed to take out DX, beginning with the spirit squad, then Big Show, then Vince and Shane. He says next week they’ll finish the other half of the job on Shawn in a handicap match.
 
Edge says that next week DX will finally be dead when suddenly “Are you Ready?” rings out with two beats of the song…then nothing else, the music just stops. Shawn comes out to stand at the end of the aisle in dramatic fashion. Shawn says he came out here tonight out of respect for the people in St Louis to address this question of if it is the end of DX. Shawn says he’ll be with Hunter for the surgery like some kind of freakish life partner. Shawn says he’ll deal with them next week then strolls off into the sunset while the credits roll…er, I mean commercials.
 
Random Commercial Thought: It’s a pretty slow revolution if Bowflex has been doing this for at least a fucking decade now.
 
We come back to a recap of the Tag Team Turmoil with the win by Cryme Tyme. Speaking of Shad and JTG here they come, with Cade & Murdoch already in the ring and raring to go. Cade seems pissed as hell for some reason.
 
Cryme Tyme vs. Cade & Murdoch
 
Shad takes Cade down with a heavy shoulder block to trash talk him, then heavily club Murdoch right off the apron. Murdoch has to run in and save Cade from a pin, but JTG runs in as well to take him down. Shad gets caught in a double team boot to the head and dragged to the opposing corner. JTG looks around and removes the turnbuckle cover while Shad continues to get beat the fuck down. Shad finally breaks out with a heavy shoulder block and the tags are made. JTG hits fast dropkicks on both men then a flying shoulder block on Cade. He hit’s a big back body on Murdoch before going up top for a missile dropkick. JTG whips Murdoch to the corner, but her reverses. And charges after him. JTG leaps back over him, but Murdoch stops himself from running into the exposed ring rope. Instead, Shad takes him and slams his head into it for him, JTG snagging him in the rollup for the win.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
 
Cryme Tyme celebrates and they pimp our main event as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Where are the film critics when I actually need them?
 
We come back and as if we haven’t had enough of Rosie and the Donald, they replay the match with the crowd’s ranting turned down. We see Rosie crying in the back with Ron Simmons standing over her to utter his line. We then go to Vladamir Koslov interviewing with The King. It’s like fucking Rocky IV over here. Vlad says he can beat the Great Khali and John Cena in his opinion. In the back, Eugene is ranting to himself when he realizes Khali is standing over him. He shuffles off into the shadows as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Lost Planet, apparently now found.
 
Back to the show. Estrada comes to ringside to call this match and Khali casually strolls out. When Cena comes down to the ring, Estrada begins to call last night’s match a fluke. Cena tries a few rights then shoulder blocks, that just hurt himself. He rolls to the floor as Estrada stands over him and taunts him. Cena tries to scoop slam Khali, but gets clubbed down. Cena  keeps trying to attack, but only gets clubbed down. It seems Khali has inherited Big Show’s body part references from JR. Estrada rushes the ring with a chair and Cena grabs it to swing at Khali then at Estrada. Khali doesn’t react and just punches him in the head, then double choke slams Cena. Khali then leaves and Estrada gets in the turnbuckle to beckon forth Umaga from the crowd, whom apparently nobody noticed sitting there with no shirt on and tribal paint. Cena gets slammed to the corner, then an Ass Crash and the Spike as the show goes off the air.
 
Highlight of the Night: Cryme Tyme wins an entertaining match. But unfortunately it wasn’t too great.
 
Lowlight of the Night: Cena/Khali is one of those things that makes you want to turn off the TV or go away.
 
Eugene Award: What else? Donald and Rosie. So horrendous, it starts a TNA chant on a WWE live show. Not the way to follow up a shitty PPV where you injured one of your top stars to be sure.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


WWE RAW RANT: (01/15/07) By Cameron Burge

And now for something completely different: A small tribute to Martin Luther King Jr….

Cruisin down the street in my six-fo''
jockin’ the bitches, slappin’ the hoes.
Went to the park to get the scoop.
Knuckleheads out there cold, shootin’ some hoops.
A car pulls up, who can it be?
A fresh El Camino rollin’ kilo G.
He rolled down his window and he started to say,
“It’s all about makin’ that G.T.A.”
Coz the boys in the hood are always hard
you come talkin that trash and we'll pull ya card
knowin' nutin in life but to be legit'
dont quote me boy coz I ain’t said shit.

And after that musical interlude we have arrived. Though it’s not like we’ve arrived at the gates of heaven (no doubt to be greeted by Ronald Reagan and the White Jesus) but more like we’ve arrived at that bathroom from Rest Stop, only without the psychotic hallucinations (Unless you’ve been in RVD’s stash) and finger eating.

So uh…where was I? Oh, wrestling right. Well, tonight’s the night to see if Vinnie can recover after a show so horrendous he was able to start a chant for the only other company out there, and right after the loss of one of his top main eveners. Let’s roll.

Raw 01.15.07

Our main selling points tonight, designed to glue your ass to the seat faster than an all night Jenna Jameson film fest, are the Rated RKO handicap match and a new contract signing for Cena/Umaga. Speaking of Cena, the show opens with John’s music and out he comes to some mild heat. The ring’s already set up for the signing with the black carpet and desk while John dances around and Coach, who’s apparently been in the ring this whole time lurking amidst the shadows with his evil blackness, takes up the microphone to introduce Cena as the champion saying it may be the last time we ever hear him say those words because Cena will be facing Umaga. He introduces Estrada and Umaga. You know, could someone explain to me what Cuban’s and Samoan’s have in common? How the hell did Estrada come into possession of Umaga? Did he pick him up cheap off the black market or something? Coach says there is something Cena needs to know before he signs and who better to choose the match type than Estrada. He picks a Last Man Standing match. Umaga signs, writing pretty good for a crazy HEATHEN. Cena wonders if they actually think he’s crazy enough to sign a Last Man Standing Match with a monster. He decides he really is crazy enough to sign it.

He says the other thing everyone should know is that he’s full of surprises, leaping across the desk and taking Umaga to the floor where he decks him with the steel steps. Cena then takes Estrada into the ring for an FU before saluting the audience, but I gotta wonder what kind of ass backwards salute that is anyway? It’s like some sort of horrible hybrid salute between Britain and America (god forbid!). They pimp the DX match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought:  N-I-G-G-A-R, They’re the Niggar Family.

Back to the show. Melina and Johnny Nitro are out and what the fuck is with his pink bathrobe? What is he my mom? OH GOD THE IMAGES. I need to wash my brain. It’s a mixed tag match and they rerun Melina’s horribly botched Extreme Make Over before Hardy and Maria come out, Maria dancing like Hardy.

Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy & Maria vs. Johnny Nitro & Melina (Mixed Tag Match)

Hardy starts off with Nitro, Jeff picking up a decent chant while Nitro this some European uppercuts and his Breakin’ It leg drop. Nitro tags out to Melina and so Jef has to tag Maria in. She dodges a punch, slapping Melina and slamming her into the turnbuckle before hitting a bulldog which is at least better than Melina’s of her own. Maria kicks her in the jaw, but Nitro catches her off guard, allowing Melina to wrap her in the roped as a cheap excuse to show off her cleavage….mmmm…cleavage….

Uh….oh yeah, Melina goes for a Camel Clutch and keeps the pressure on until Maria hit’s a head scissors. Nitro tags in and hits Hardy off the apron, grabbing Maria by the hand, but she stomps on his toe and Hardy comes in with the mule kick. Jeff hit’s the whisper in the wing before heading up top but Melina grabs his foot only to get knocked off by Maria. Nitro racks him up top instead and climbs up for a Superplex, but is sent down to the floor and nailed with the Swanton Bomb instead for three.
Winners: Maria & Hardy

After the match Vince is in the back with coach calling The Donald, and apparently Mickey answers because whoever it was didn’t know who vinnie was. He assure them he’s a friend of Mr. Trump and wants to be put through but Donald’s having dinner despite it being of “urgency” and Vince says he knows the number to call back. Vince tells Coach he’ll call back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought:  The Truth commercials are obviously ploys by TobaccoCorp into annoying us into smoking more. Reverse Psychology.

Back to the show where Edge and Orton come our in their new shirts which are nothing but torn up work shirts. They stand at the stage while their music plays until the DX theme starts only to be replaced by a flat line. Orton cuts a promo to explain that to anyone who didn’t get it. (Thanks Ted that was the joke). Orton goes on to say Hunter is done and won’t be able to help Shawn and compared to what they’re going to do to him tonight will make it look like Trips got off easy. Which, according to Steph, I heard he gets off really easy indeed. Orton says he has something to take care of in the back (Gym bags beware!) handing off to edge. Edge says Michaels got his start here in Cajun country, but they said there might be people who want to help Shaw in the back, then he has to check on Orton. They drag out Hacksaw who looks like he’s bleeding jam from his mouth. Apparently Jim gave Shawn advice on his TV debut night. They then bring out some chairs to USA chants. Edge goes for the conchairto while Orton holds off the refs and trainers at the entry ramp as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Part of the instructions section of Axe reads: “Designed to seduce the ladies. If you spray it, they will come.”

Back to the show where they replay some of the Flair/Kenny feud before they both come down to the ring for match number four or five I think.

Ric Flair vs. Kenny Dykstra

Kenny gets chopped all around the ring for his trouble, before taking a pretty rough looking headlock takedown. Ric works the headlock (take a shot) and gets whipped to the ropes, taking a low dropkick to the knee. Kenny starts working the leg and hit’s a forward rolling leg pull before suplexing Flair for two. Kenny tries for a figure four, but Flair blocks it, escaping and going into a chopping frenzy. Flair gets the tables turned on him and Kenny rolls him up, but Flair rolls through with a handful of tights, only scoring too. Flair follows up with a trip up and puts his feet on the ropes for three.
Winner: Flair

Kenny gets all pissed and throws a fit as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Man I totally zoned out just now. Is this what it’s like to be Vince when he’s listening to suggestions to improve the show?

We get a Smackdown Rebound of Taker not getting to face Batista at the rumble. We see Shawn coming into the building when he learns the news of Duggan, but says he hadn’t been planning to do anything with him. The Nature Boy comes out in a DX shirt to tell he has his back.

We go to the back with Vinnie and coach waiting on the call, but finally Coach asks what Vince wanted to talk to him so badly about. Vince brings out a letter her received from Trump stating that he found the “skit” to be lame, and not up to standard and that the people would rather watch the superstars wrestle than see a lame sketch (no shit?). The letter ends with a pimp for the Apprentice to which coach talks about for a second. Vince finally declares he’ll give him compelling television is that’s what he wants as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Well, now that Ive seen more of Will Ferral’s crotch than I ever wanted to see in my entire life, how about we get back to the show?

Ah here we are. Vince rants for a moment saying that the fans would rather watch in the ring action than the poor piece of comedic sature according to Trump. He says he knows many of us enjoyed it so he forces us to watch it again. Oddly enough there are cheers in the replay and not boos. Hmm….Vince says he’s sure we’ll agree with him that was brilliant then asks again, and for some reason a few people actually are cheering. He says it’s so good we need to take another look at it in slow motion. Vince says he operates differently, he doesn’t ask the audience what they want, he tells them what they want and then they like it.

Vince decides to bring out the one who started all of the Trump/Rosie stuff and introduces Miss USA. He introduces her twice then cusses her out and it’s Torrie in a dress. Torrie wanders out in her HORRIBLE dress and Vince asks her if she has anything to do. She reads her lines from a card, saying she’s been a bad girl and wants to make it up to America’s favorite billionaire. Vince starts to hit on her when Carlito’s music hits. JR calls him Caribbean Cool Carlito. Vince wants to know what he’s doing out here. Carlito says he knows he’s taking a big risk coming out here and despite what he thinks Vince is not cool and that thing last week was bad…really bad. In fact, it sucked. He says this thing with Torrie is brutal and Trump was right, he doesn’t know what the people want. If he did, he’d know they don’t want to see stupid skits, they don’t even wanna see Vince talk. They want to see people fight.

Vince says if Carlito wants to fight…he takes off his jacket…then brings out Khali who for some reason was just waiting right around the corner in case McMahon needed him to fight some random jabroni. Carlito tries to attack Kahli to big Carlito chants, but Khali just slaps him around. Carlito tries his springboard elbow, but Khali just swats him away. Khali follows with a double choke slam and Vince sends him off before saying “Now that’s cool.” Torrie is holding he mouth like she just threw up a little as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The revolution is apparently in my abs. Fear my six-back GW!

Back to the show. Mickie is out for a title match with victoria and here we go, wheeee!

Women’s Champion Mickie James vs. Victoria (Women’s Title Match)

Victoria gets all pissed about hair pulling, diving to the floor to complain to the ref and Mickie drags her over the top rope for some solid spanking before Victoria takes a cheap shot to send Mickie to the floor. Victoria follows through with a baseball slide and dropkicks Mickie in the stomach before slamming her HARD across the ring. Victoria stands on her hair and pulls Mickie up by the arms. Victoria catches the Mick Kick and forces Mickie into the splits before putting her in a leglock. Mickie fights out and clotheslines Victoria . Mickie goes on the offensive, hitting a reverse elbow and a head scissors out of the corner for two. Victoria catches her in the tilt-a-whirl sideslam, but only picks up two. Mickie comes out of nowhere with a spinning thrust kick for the win.
Winner: Mickie

Onward to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, where we use reviews from Mr. Disgusting as legitimate reviews.

Back to the show where they play footage of Masters getting his hold broken in Iraq, but he’s in the ring to tell us he has a signed document by Vince here tonight to say that due to outside interference the hold was never officially broken. He asks who wants to be the first. Suddenly we here “Damn” and Ron Simmon’s fucking comes out to the old APA theme. Jesus. Chris says he wasn’t really referring to him and ass for anyone else, but Ron shoves him down. Ron, the man who once feuded with The Rock andled the Nation of Domination is now wearing a novelty T-shirt and sitting in a chair while a chiseled white guy practices his hold on him.

Ron sits down and Chris puts the hold on him. Chris jerks him out of the chair and ron starts flexing heavily to try and break the hold. Simmons look sot have it broken then drops down some as Chris applies more pressure. Sudden Ron powers back and looks to break it again when super Crazy runs in to break it up. Crazy dropkicks Masters in the knee, then leaps off the top turnbuckle into a flying DDT. He follows with a moonsault and leaves, celebrating. Ron comes back in, grabs a mic and looks at Masters. He goes to speak then pauses….and pauses again…I get a sandwich….he pauses again…and finaly says it. JR and King say he broke the hold as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: There are monkeys in the bread basket.

Back to the show. They tell us that once again the outside interference has nullified the break on the hold as we find out Rated RKO knocked Flair unconscious in the back. YOYOYO, it’s time for Cryyyyyme Tyyyyme. JTG is out for a singles match. He’s here to face fellow brother, Shelton Benjamin.

JTG w/ Shad vs. Shelton Benjamin w/ Charlie Haas

Shelton starts with the early advantage until JTG hit’s a cross body for one. Shelton counters a corner head scissors into a shoulder breaker. JTG gets beat down in the corner by Shelton until he comes out of nowhere with flying dropkicks and rights, but runs into a heavy super kick. Shad removes the turnbuckle cover again like last week, but Haas goes over to put it back on. Shad then goes over to where he was, tripping Shelton while he tries to power bomb JTG, allowing JTG the pin for three.
Winner: JTG

Tard is in the back to give us our Flair update saying he’s been loaded into an abulance when a rather flustered Shawn Michaels appears saying he knows he’s going to ask what he plans to do in such impossible odds. Michaels says he’s glad because no he’s got nothing to lose which is just how he likes it and he’s going down in a blaze of glory (like Richard Pryor) and taking as many people with him as he can. He then proceeds to super kick Tard in the face as we all probably stand up and cheer, except for me, I’m fucking lazy.

Random Commercial Thought: The Champ is hungry?

Back to the show. They run a video package of Hunter seeing he doctor about his knee. You know, not a damn other person out there would get this kind of coverage for an injury and damn I do not want to see close ups of a huge lump of muscle hanging to the other side of your leg. Team Rated RKO comes out and hey look, they got shiny shoulder covers! Cool, I wonder what those things are for? Orton does his Michael Buffer impersonation and security is then issued to grab all the DX signs and one guy hilariously tells the fat white bastard who jacks it to suck it. Heh. But wait…what’s this? They only come back with like…twelve signs and There’s another RIGHT BY THE RING as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial thought: I was cooking Deal with it.

Back to the show where Michaels arrives to the DX theme.

Shawn Michaels vs. World Tag Team Champions Team Rated RKO (Handicap Tag Match)

He comes in and goes crazy, sending Edge to the floor and unleashing on Orton, back body dropping him. He tosses Orton out as Edge comes back in, going into chops in the corner. It’s then we find out this is a tag match, oh how vicious! That they can only fight him one at a time. Edge finally makes the tag to Orton who tries to take Michaels down, but Shawn hit’s a Lou Thesz press into mounted punches. Edge pulls down the top rope for Orton to whip him to the floor then Edge follows with a crushing clothesline on the outside before tossing HBK back in.

Orton tags in Edge who goes to the corner with heavy pounding rights and the ref drags him off fighting with him rather than…you know disqualifying him. Orton beats on edge from the ring apron while the ref is with Edge and the ref pulls him back off only for Edge to return to doing it as well. The ref finally peels them off, Michaels now busted open. Orton tags in and pick sup two off a clothesline before hitting the inverted backbreaker. Edge tags in for more pounding rights in the corner and know I don’t mean the kind of pounding rights you deliver to yourself on a lonely Friday night.

Orton drags Shawn around by the head, showing him off then delivers some rights only to be met with chops. Shawn tosses him to the corner and delivers a series of chops only to get turned inside out in the corner, but he comes back off into a decking clothesline. Edge finally tags in and looks to have Michaels taken care of until shawn hit’s the flying forearm and nip up. He scoops slams Edge then drags himself to the top rope. He hit’s the elbow and lays down on the ground dead and twitching. Michaels finally drags himself to his feet and tunes up the band, but Orton comes in so Michaels tackles him for more punches. Edge spears Michaels and all three of them lay in the ring, just relaxing and soaking up the night air it seems. Edge rolls to the floor and retireves some chairs.

The ref calls a DQ despite the fact he hasn’t done anything yet whatsoever.
Winner: Michaels

Edge places Michaels into position and Shawn kicks up to knock the chair into face. He then slams the other into Orton’s. Michaels gets up and kicks them both in the knuts before retrieving time old friend, Sledgie which for some reason JR KNOWS belongs to Triple H because no one else puts a fucking sledge hammer under the ring. Michaels beats Edge In the ribs with it then knocks Orton in the face. He fires up to huge pops, setting Orton up for a conchairto. Edge tries to stop him, but has to roll to the floor to avoid getting killed. Michaels coinheritor’s Orton and goes Steve Austin in cussing Orton out as the DX theme plays. Edge looks like he was in fucking Apocalypse now “The horror…the horror…..” as we go off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Tard Grisham gets shut the fuck up. Huzzah I say! I have a dream, and it’s been fulfilled!

Lowlight of the Night: Kenny. Flair continues to non-build while Flair doubles up in the DX storyline for story fodder. Yawn.

Eugene Award: Vinnie Mac continues to push the Donald Trump affair with threats of the real Donald becoming involved later on, can we honestly say this is anything short of Eugene?

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


WWE RAW RANT: (01/22/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back, from whatever pits and dregs of hell most of you crawl out from other (probably your Winnie the Pooh blankies or something I would guess) and stepping up to join me with tonight’s FANTASTIC show. And by Fantastic I mean, whatever is the exact opposite of that, and I haven’t even seen it yet. How is that for confidence? Well if you wanted positive reinforcement you should have gone to therapy like your high school gym teacher told you to.

Raw 01.22.07

Tonight’s show is in memory of Bam Bam Bigelow who passed away recently. Hopefully he’s having a sumo match with Earthquake in that big squared circle in the sky. Or he’s rotting in the ground. But I’m just a heartless bastard.

The show opens with clips of Shawn Michaels kicking some ass last week against Rated RKO single-handedly and giving Orton a Conchairto. It’s also reminded that Flair and Hacksaw were laid out as well before hand.

Speaking of Shawn, the DX music hits. HBK comes to ringside to tell us he felt something he hadn’t in a long time, but this is only after he goes through a series of orgasmic groans and grunts. He felt he could overcome any odds again. Next week, Michaels takes on the Lottery! He goes on to say that his Christian BRAINWASHING has made him repress those emotions but not anymore! The spell is broken. Can I get a Hallelujah, God Bomb, Hell yeah?. He wants to take on the odds, take on obstacles. The Showstopper is apparently back. Despite that being the name of Big Show’s finisher. Shawn says he thinks he can be WWE champion again, all he needs is to marry Steph first. He points out Sunday is the Royal Rumble despite the fact that until tonight we haven’t even mentioned it’s existence. Whoo! Way to build. The winner gets to main event Wrestlemania. He's taking his new reborn passion into that match against 29 other guys who don‘t really matter. He says no mortal man can stop him fulfilling his destiny.

Edge decides to interrupt this particular diatribe. Edge says much of what you might expect, that in fact he’s the one who will be taking that coveted Mania spot, you know, because we haven’t seen Edge/Cena enough times already. He wants to be WWE champion again. Shawn tells him to shut up and calls him out right now. Edge decides to go for it and the two break out into fisticuffs, the horror!. The fight spills into the crowd as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: This one time at band camp....

Back to the show where backstage our two buddies are still going at it, hitting those random pipes into the floor that always seem to be so plentiful in the backstage area of any arena. Ever wonder what the hell those things are for anyway? Why are they just sitting there? Coach comes out to break them up, having Michaels hauled off of him.

Back to ringside where we have our first match for the night, it’s a Smackdown vs. Raw match only without the horrifically long load times. Joey Mercury, who apparently now channels Zorro with that mask he’s got. They replay Nitro and Mercury’s attack on Nitro.

Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Joey Mercury w/ Melina & Johnny Nitro (non-title match)

Jeff attacks MNM en masse and Mercury still has his furry coat on (FUR KILLS!). Mercury recovers quickly and tosses Hardy to the floor. Nitro exposes the floor from the mats, but the ref ejects him from ringside. Melina‘s tits are soon after ejected from ringside as well. Mercy hammers at Hardy and goes for a facelock. Apparently he’s trying to "injure Jeff’s face" like Hardy (OW my nose!). Jeff scores a flying forearm and  the whisper in the wind, following with the Twist of Fate for three.
Winner: Jeff

Backstage, Vinnie Mac is all pissed again. Coach comes in to tell him he has Edge and Sean under control and he wants to throw these guys out of the arena. Vince has a better idea  (Euthanasia?). He wants to see a match and books Edge v Shawn Michaels in a street fight tonight. He then heads to the ring to make another announcement. Probably Trump related. You know, we could all be reading a book right now. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Shotta SUCKS. Don’t see it! Avoid it! Destroy every copy! Save yourselves!

Back to the show. Coach comes out with Vince, walking six feet behind him by Vinnie‘s orders. Vince has another letter with him and it’s his return letter to the Donald (God help us all). "You suck" chants begin with King saying they are talking about Used Trucks. (*rimshot*) It’s apparent that King has been told to laugh through this whole thing and boy does it ever come out forced. So...let’s skip the rest of this crap which amounts to Vince saying he should be on the Apprentice to make the ratings go up. Out comes John Cena to interrupt the chairman. Cena decides to start with the adult insult of "pussbag". Cena points out that Vince is obsessed with Trump like he was with DX. Cena doesn't think he won that feud. Cena brings up the XFL next. So why would Vince want to kiss up to Donald Trump? In the end, Coach ends up pissing Vince off and gets himself booked into a match with Cena. Oooo, bet he’s shaking in his boots.

Random Commercial Thought: ECW, in your house for a limited time only, soon to be kicked to your curb instead.

Back to the show. Masters is coming out and they show Crazy‘s attack on him last week. We get a promo from Super Crazy about how he attacked Masters last week in Spanish. he says it’s because he’s both Crazy AND Super. He’s fucking SUPER Crazy. How insightful.

Chris Masters vs. Super Crazy

Masters lays into Super Crazy with rights and knees, tossing him to the floor and all around the ring, but Crazy comes back with a cross body for two. Masters tries for the MASTERfull Nelson and Crazy slips loose of the hold. Masters grabs his legs and goes into the Ocean Cyclone instead. Backbreaker leads into a knee to the back and a chinlock (take a shot). Crazy begs for crowd support. The crowd is picking their noses. If Lawler doesn’t stop saying the word Funny I’m going to cut myself. Crazy hits a back elbow and a spinning kick. He follows with a dropkick to the knee and one to the head. Lawler says "He's all jacked up on Mountain Dew.". Missile dropkick and the moonsault only get a two count. Crazy misses a charge and the MASTERfull Nelson is on, but Crazy pushes off of the ropes to pin Chris for the win.
Winner: Super Crazy

Backstage, Coach tries his best to weasel his way out of the match to Vince, but to no avail whatsoever. Elsewhere, Shawn is seen taping his fists up as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Is Nacho Libre really an epic film?

Back to the show. Maria interviews Kenny Dykestorm or whatever he‘s called. What‘s that name again? I don‘t think they say it enough. He's in his first Royal Rumble this Sunday. He says he'll make history as the youngest winner ever then the youngest Wrestlemania Main Eventer as well. Maria isn't sure he can get the job done (like last night? OOOOH BURN!). Kenny says he beat Flair three times so this will be his year.

Somewhere else, in a galaxy far, far away. Edge is getting ready but Orton comes in looking beat to hell. Apparently Shawn beat him with a makeup kit rather than a chair from the looks of things. He talks about all the abuse he took last week. Orton is pissed at Edge for leaving him to Shawn last week, saying Edge should have been there for him. Orton tells Edge he should have been there for him. He says the Rumble is every man for himself too. Edge wants to know if Orton wants revenge or not and is told to wait and see.

"Ladies and Gentleman" by Saliva, our new Wrestlemania theme song.

Cena hits the ring for his match. Coach comes out with a microphone. He says he can't change the match but seeing as Vince has gone now, he’s in charge again so he's booking Cena in another match first. He plans on sending wrestlers out to throw Cena over the top rope like the Rumble, because we need to pimp the hell out of it as fast as we can. He starts things out with Cade and Murdoch.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Everyone (What the fuck are the Rules? Match)

Cena gets beaten down and stomped. Cade hits a running neck breaker. Coach signals for another as Cena powers back. Murdoch gets kicked in the cajones. Flying shoulderblock. Clotheslines. Protobomb on Cade. Murdoch gets FU'd over the top. Cena follows with a Five knuckle shuffle on Cena. Coach gets pissed with this and sends out Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas..... and Viscera. They all beat on the fallen Cena until Vis drops an elbow. Oh, and why the hell not, let‘s toss Khali out there too. Shelton explains what Khali should do since he’s slower than a Dell Computer. Khali, decides he don‘t like that and throws Shelton over the ropes and out of the ring. Haas is neck...then Cade finally. Vis attacks him, but Khali drops him with a huge right that‘s supposed to be his excuse for a finisher in the video game. A big boot follows and the crowd is actually into this shit.. He dumps single handedly dump Viscera. Cena is up top by now and hits a flying shoulderblock but he just bounces off. Khali growls and tosses Cena out.
Winner: Khali

After the bell has sounded Khali runs Cena into the ring steps for good measure. Great Khali continues to beat Cena into the dirt like a dead horse, before deciding he’s done and trotting off.

Coach jumps in there and pins for 2. (Is this a separate match or what? O.o)Cena is up and beckons Coach to bring it, but out comes Umaga with Estrada for the DQ. Umaga flattens him and Coach and Estrada have a table. Samoan Spike (Thumb of DOOM!) Estrada directs everyone with flailing arms. Umaga goes up top and splashes Cena through the table. Estrada decides to helpfully count Cena out to demonstrate the results of the Last Man Standing Match.

Random Commercial Thought: Funny burger People make Cameron laugh. Heh.

It took Cena the whole damn break just to get up off the ground, the trainers are helping him.

Candice Michelle & Women’s Champion Mickie James vs. Melina & Victoria

Candice has had "cosmetic surgery" here and looks pissed as hell at Victoria.  Melina takes over on Mickie to start the match off. Mickie-canrana takes Melina‘s early advantage right out of the picture.. Melina fakes an arm injury to distract the ref allowing Victoria to grab Mickie by the hair. They follow with a wishbone leg pull that doesn’t seem to hurt her one bit. Victoria cheap shots Mickie with the Candice "nose-breaker" kick. That gets a two count. Victoria misses in the corner and gets confused as to who her opponents are for a short bit, looking like she‘s lost. Candice tags in and starts with the hair pulling and scratching. Victoria kicks her in the face again for her troubles. Mickie prevents the Widows Peak though. Mickie hits a Lou Thesz Press to the floor on Melina and Candice hits a shitty spin kick off the top for the pin.
Winners: Candice & Mickie

Thank God it’s over! We can now seek solace in commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Cool, Saw 3 is coming to DVD soon.

Back to the show where they replay Carlito getting crushed by Khali. Speaking of whom, he and Torrie are out to face Kenny.

Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Torrie Wilson Chloe vs. Kenny Dykstra

The match starts off slow and a bit confusing with Carlito faking getting poked in the eye to cheap shot Kenny while the ref is checking him. Carlito hits heavy blows and a clothesline and dropkick combo. Carlito misses his follow-up in the corner so Kenny drags him over by his hair, since there’s a great deal of it to grab for two. Short arm clothesline from Kenny, rolling through into another. A flying back elbow picks up a two count. Kenny hits heavy elbow to the head to get two more again, following with a chinlock (take a shot). Carlito tries to rebound, but misses entirely, landing on his feet, he pounces Kenny to beat on him, hitting a hurricanrana for two.  Springboard back elbow and a sunset flip but Kenny stops it for two when Carlito rolls through. Carlito gets two, but Kenny escapes and rolls him up with the tights for the win.
Winner: Kenny

After the match they run a Team Rated RKO segment about tonight’s match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Beware strange men bearing Wii!

Back to the show where backstage, Cryme Tyme try to sell Super Crazy and Eugene numbers in the Royal Rumble. They go along with Super Crazy’s name spiel. Crazy‘s pretty happy with the number he got. JTG has a special number for Eugene though, it’s #30. Shad tells him it's a bad number and that he wants #1 instead. They get him to chant "I'm number one" before Shad reveals off camera the numbers they're selling aren't actual numbers at all. Afterward, they say they sold a copy of The Scream to Ron Simmons which turns out to be fake (guess what he had to say about that).

JR and King run down the Royal Rumble card and tell us Cena may have a ruptured Spleen. Does anyone even know where the hell that is?

Elsewhere, Shawn is on his way to the ring as we go back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought:

Edge vs. Shawn Michaels (Street Fight)

It’s yet another fight to begin with. Shawn takes off his belt and commences to whipping the black into Edge with it. The same ribs he injured with Sledgie the SledgeHammer last week. Edge eats his own belt and Shawn bails for the apartment furniture. he returns with a chair and a trashcan. The latter hits Edge in the head. Shawn sends Edge to the floor and leaps over the ropes, but Edge nails him with the trash lid. Comemrcials.

Random Commercial Thought: So, what do you get when you mix a Jew and an Irish man? An alcoholic who buys wholesale (Thanks Gersh)

Shawn is bleeding when we come back. During the break, Edge had nailed him with a ladder. Shawn fires back with punches to the ribs. Edge goes to the top ropes to suplex the ladder onto Shawn. The pin picks up a two count. Edge bridges two sets of ring steps with the ladder between them. He goes for a power bomb but Shawn punches out of it his way loose. They start beating on each other again and Shawn counters with chops, because those are WAY more useful than a solid steal object of course. Shawn eats a boot to the gut and powers back with the flying forearm, nip up, atomic drop.

Shawn grabs a chain and chokes at Edge out. He then bounces his head off the buckles with the chain over his face, then punches him with a chained up fist. Edge is busted open now as well. Edge gets slammed on the ladder that’s still bridging the steps. Shawn slides underneath it and goes up top. Edge cuts him off in the elbow drop and they fight on top over the ladder. Edge gets dumped off anyway with a front suplex onto the ladder. The elbow follows and Shawn fires up, tuning up the band. Edge ducks the music and boosts Shawn lands neck-first after an electric chair drop (modified). Edge seems to be looking for a spear, but Shawn counters it with a Lou Thesz press. Michaels clobbers Edge with a chair and sets up the Conchairto. Orton comes from nowhere with the RKO to allow Edge to pin Michaels for the win.
Winner: Edge

After the match, Orton tosses Edge over the top rope to prove a point. He goes for the Conchairto on Shawn but Flair runs and decides to take a beating to Randy’s two best friends. Kenny makes a guest shot to attack Flair, but Carlito is right behind. Shawn and Orton are fighting by now and Michaels decides to Superkick everyone, ending by sending Orton over the top rope with it. Edge looks scared on the steps again, crawling away as the show goes off the air.


Highlight of the Night: Decent street fight. Not one of the best by a long shot, but entertaining enough.  The ending needed help though.

Lowlight of the Night: Vince won’t let Trump rest in peace. Enough said.

Eugene Award: Kenny winning the rumble? BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 

WWE RAW RANT: (01/29/07) By Cameron Burge

You know what I love? Guitar fucking Hero. You heard me. What’s better than powering through Freebird in order to prove yourself worthy of being abducted by aliens at Stonehenge? I mean, except for sex...and drugs....and those cool little flags they put in your sandwiches sometimes at the restaurants, I love those things. Salute my sandwich biatch!
 
Anyway, Taker is your Royal Rumble winner at slot number 30 of all things, now watch as he goes on to challenge the illustrious ECW Title!....No? Don’t think that’s a viable answer? Well SCREW YOU. Tonight, Vince has declared it Fan Appreciation night. Oh wait let me fix that for you. Fan('s money) Appreciation Night*
 
You’re welcome.
 
Raw 01.29.07
 
Shawn opens our show tonight with the DX music as “Texas’ own” HBK comes to the ring. He runs some laps around the ring like he thinks he’s Ric Flair, only without the jell-o flab. Shawn says he kept his promise of not being defeated by any mortal man, unfortunate the Undertaker was there who rose to true evil by robbing a retard of his number thirty slot. What an ass hat. Shawn guarantees he’ll throw his hat into the ring for the Wrestlemania spot if Taker goes for Lashley or Batista instead. Cena interrupts him to say he likes how that sounds but says it's still up to the Undertaker. Cena is about to say that if it IS Shawn....but then Edge interrupts. Edge says he’s going to be the one going to Wrestlemania as the champion instead of Cena, but Orton interrupts him. Orton says that the title is exactly the same thing as the Rumble, every man for himself. Orton asks how many times Edge has had a title shot against Cena, Ten or twenty he says but he’s had zero. Edge says there is a good reason for that, but Cena interrupts them. Lot of interrupting going on here. Have some manners!
 
Cena trash talks the both of them and Rated RKO decides to go to the ring, probably so they can hear him better I suppose. Somehow, Vince finds this inexcusable, interrupting (AGAIN) over the titantron to make a Tag Team Titles match between the four of them tonight. You know, not like there are number one contenders for those or anything....oh. Wait.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Psyche is back, and I couldn’t be happier, I’m a pretty big fan of the show.
 
Speaking of the tag team number one contenders. JTG gives a shout out to his friends, but Shad has to drag him on so they can get to the ring. They’re here for some Tag Team action, because they haven’t apparently decimated everyone in the tag team division yet. Haas and Benjamin (with the power of matching outfits (straight from Queer Eye for the Tag Guy).
 
Cryme Tyme vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team
 
Haas starts off with Shad, but Shelton gets a quick superkick to the back of the knee on Shad, allowing Haas to focus on it, using chop blocks and working the knee around the ropes. Shelton tags in and puts Shad in the corner for some heavy blow. Shad tries to fight out with rights. Shad finally takes Shelton down and makes the tag. JTG rushes in as does Haas, but both members of the World’s Greatest Tag Team are eating it hard. What’s with the cornrows Haas? You think you’re black now? Anyway, Shad gets headscissored to the floor by Shelton and Haas sneaks in to DDT JTG into a rollup by Benjamin for the three.
Winners: Haas & Benjamin
 
In the back, Vinnie Mac is talking to Melina about squeezing opportunity by the cajones and take the reigns. She leaves and he tells Coach that after tonight he’ll be thought of as a humanitarian of the likes even Mother Theresa couldn’t compare to, especially not as a shriveled up old corpse. He’s still rambling on as I’m pretty sure I pass out until he tells Coach to make sure everything is ready and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve always wondered why the fuck the double whopper needs a theme song.
Back to the show. They show One Man Gang losing to Duggan at the first Royal Rumble to win....absolutely nothing back then. Melina is on to the ring next. Melina tells us that thanks to Vince, the match is now a number one contender’s match for the Women’s Title. Maria is her opponent and taunts Melina with the staple belt motioning.
 
Melina vs. Maria
 
Maria starts with a slip out of a waist lock into a roll up for one. She kicks Melina hard and slings her to the turnbuckle for bronco busting. Maria gets tossed off and a cat fight break out with much hair pulling and um....bouncing.....huh what? Melina lays Maria across the ropes in the corner to run at her with a kick to the back before boot choking her in the corner. Maria comes back with a school boy(girl...does that make it a transvestite?) for two. Maria eats a flapjack and Melina goes into a bridge on her legs, grabbing Maria’s neck while in this bridge and somehow bending her upward into a submission hold she calls California Dream, but in the spirit of the Snapshot, I’ll call it the Snatchshot.
Winner: Melina
 
Melina celebrates and we slip off (Ha Ha...slip...) to commercials.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Why would I want to buy internet from someone with the word Zero in their name?
 
Back to the show. They replay Rumble Highlights. Tard asks Shawn for a couple of questions, huddled in a corner like he’s just had a good cry. HBK says he’s going to be a tag team champion tonight. Tard points out he’s teaming with the WWE champion and Shawn says Cena is no Triple H. In the back elsewhere, Mickie is confronted by Super Crazy doing his catch line when Melina comes up. Melina insults them both and Crazy takes Mickie’s hand, using it to slap Melina. Mickie laughs until Melina attacks and they destroy what is apparently the prop table before Nitro pulls Melina away. Edge is talking in the back about his title chances tonight as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Local Commercials. God how I’d forgotten how much they suck, but it’s news to me that we even have a Midwestern Cage Match League.
 
Back to the show where Val Venis is in the ring waiting on Umaga. Umaga kills him right off the bat with a Samoan drop, following by putting Venis in the corner for the running head butt in the tree of woe. Val gets punched down to a sitting position then crushed by the Ass Crash. Umaga gets pissed some more and hits the Samoan Spike on Val for three. Squishy squish.
 
On their way to the back, Estrada and Umaga run into Vince on his way to the ring as his music plays. He and Estrada seem to have coordinated their outfits this evening like those retarded children you see at the special schools. Commercials!
 
Random Commercial Thought: Queasy Cop? WTF?
 
Back to the show where Vince, cowboy hat on head, says “Howdy Partners“, talking about Schoolmarm. He says that is ridiculous, as ridiculous as it is for anyone to wear a cowboy hat because you just look stupid and you are as long as you are over the age of five. He says any hat is stupid, it messes up your hair. Oh GOD! The HAIR HORROR! He decides to go La Cucaracha on the hat before saying its Fan Appreciation Night. He says tonight he’ll give back to the little people....by finally paying back that five dollars he owes Mini Me. He says he’s going to say two words tonight...two he doesn’t often say. Thank you. He thanks us for making him a billionaire and will give us something we’ll never forget. Naked photos of our parents?
 
Vince asks for a volunteer to get in the ring with him, picking from the crowd. He finally picks a “little girl”. Jackie who is little in the way that maybe giant mountains casting shade over a valley are little. is most certainly not a plant...*cough*. He talks about how nervous she must be before unveiling his surprise....his Fitness cover in huge print, saying its all hers. He asks how he’s doing for Fan Appreciation Night. Vince says it’s the little things that count, like the fact he didn’t have to ask her name (because he already knew it?) because he won’t remember. While he’s talking...Trump appears on the Titantron. Hey look....that ceiling is pretty, let’s stare at it.....Suffice to say he drops money on the crowd. Supposedly real bills so they appear. Vince gets pissed and storms out as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: I was watching this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2f4heaG288
 
Back to the show where Coach tries to give some of the money he collected to Vince. Vince snatches it and storms off in his limo. Carlito is out with Torrie Wilson and he’ll be teaming with Super Crazy. What is this? Tag Team Mayhem night? Masters and Kenny will be taking them on.
 
Super Crazy & Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Torrie & Chloe vs. Chris Masters & Kenny Dyhkstra
 
Masters takes Super Crazy to the woodshed, but lacking an actual woodshed, he settles for the corner instead. Crazy eats a botched slam and Kenny tags in only to get countered into a dropkick. Carlito tags in and chops at Kenny. The heels take dives to the floor when the faces come flying over the ropes to take them out. Crazy and Kenny are back in the ring, but Crazy gets tripped hard by Masters from the outside to face plant. Kenny tags to Masters who gives Crazy a backbreaker. Kenny tags back in, working the spine on Crazy before tagging Masters back in for a double suplex. Masters pins for two. Kenny and Masters continues their quick tags and cheap shots, Kenny using his roll-through clotheslines to get two of his own.
Kenny tries a rear chinlock (take a shot). Crazy rallies, finally escaping and managing a tag to Carlito. Carlito takes Kenny to the floor then hits the million dollar knee lift on Masters. He misses the rebound off the ropes, doing a back flip instead. Carlito picks up two on Masters when Kenny interrupts after a dropkick. Kenny gets taken out of the ring again by Crazy. Carlito escapes a military press with a rake of the eyes and hits the Apple Jack for three.
Winners: Carlito & Crazy
 
Which of these things does not belong? Carlito, Crazy, Chloe, and Torrie. It’s obvious they should practice their alliteration by ditching Torrie and just keeping the dog. Orton is interviewed in the back for a couple of seconds before we pimp the IC Title match as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Lesson? Never make out on a hill without a stunt double.
 
Back to the show. As Jeff comes out they replay Hardy pinning Nitro last night at the Rumble in the tag match. He looks about as thrilled to be wrestling Khali as we are to be seeing this match.
 
Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. The Great Khali (Intercontinental Title Match)
 
Jeff tries to attack Khali, but to no avail. Khali just sends him to the floor with one flick of the arm. Khali never seems to attack anyone who doesn't hit him first. Maybe they should just...not touch him and he'll leave them alone. Jeff gets tossed around liek a rag doll and Khali scoops him up, but Hardy slips free, pounding on him from behind. Khali clotheslines Jeff and drags him up, tossing Hardy into the corner. The Whissper in the Wind hurts Khali and pisses him off, but he doesn’t fall. Hardy ducks a boot to the face, making Khali rack himself on the top rope. Hardy keeps attacking and getting swatted away until her run into a joke. Khali sets him on the top rope and gives the Brain Chop to send Jeff crumpled to the floor. Khali just celebrates in the ring while the ref counts Jeff out.
Winner: Khali
 
Jeff retains of course. We then get a video package of Candice shooting her Super Bowl Go Daddy commercial before going to commercials.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Saucy Sampler? Is that like, when you set an Asian, a Latina and a Black girl on a rotating table and have at it?
 
Wrestlemania Recall is the Money in the bank ladder match where Edge picked up his briefcase. We see Vladimir getting interviewed at ringside, saying he wasn’t impressed at the Royal Rumble. What did he take fucking speech lessons from Khali? Half-way through I can’t make anything out of what he’s saying. They then run some more clip segments of Cena defeating Umaga and I got to wonder if they ran out of things to do tonight so they are filling the extra time with clipshows. In the back, Cena is talking about being champion with Flair. Flair says if they win tonight, Shawn will superkick Cena in the jaw during the celebration to make his statement as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Hannibal Lector returns for yet another movie after the one that was any good.
 
Back to the show where Rated RKO is out before Shawn arrives. He waits on Cena to get in the ring, but I’m noticing these crowd signs. LEXXX Luger? And something about Big Poppa Pump. Apparently it’s still 90’s WCW here.
 
World Tag Team Champions Rated RKO vs. Shawn Michaels & WWE Champion John Cena (Tag Team Titles Match)
 
Edge starts with Edge. Michaels counters out of the corner from Edge, hitting chops then following with an enziguiri. Orton gets riled up by Michaels and tries to come in but the ref stops him. Michaels continues to lay into Edge before tagging out to Cena who comes in with a tackle and slam for two. Cena slams Edge into the turnbuckle and catches the counter charge with a boot into a DDT for two. Edge trips Cena into the turnbuckle on his sore ribs for the distraction to tag out to Orton. Orton lays into the champ with uppercuts and clubbing blow. He tries some mounted punches. Cena finally gets to his feet, hitting a suplex to pick up another two on Orton, but Orton takes him to the corner to double team him with Edge, Cena getting choked while Orton distracts.
 
Cena starts fighting out and sends Orton into Edge on the apron to send him to the floor, but Orton stops him with a clothesline from getting the tag. Orton tells Edge to come back up, but he gets pissed and ditched him, thinking Randy did it on purpose. Orton is pissed with him as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: I was raised by a cup of coffee!
 
Back to the match. Edge is back apparently and getting owned. He’s set up for the five knuckle shuffle and Orton punches Cena in the kidney when he tries to run to the ropes. Shawn tries to help him when Cena is tossed to the floor, but the ref drags him away, leaving Edge to attack Cena on the floor and sling him back inside. He drags Cena to the corner, tagging in Orton who stomps into him. Edge tags back in and they continue to double team Cena. Edge works Orton over, leg-locking him while tagging Orton back in to hit a leg drop. Orton covers for two then tries a leg scissors. Cena works to his feet them rams Orton into the corner to escape.
 
Cena gets hammered by Randy, but dodged a dropkick. Cena is busted open as Orton, who has somehow killed himself by missing a single dropkick, probably because his vertical leap is so HIGH. Both men make tags and Michaels starts cleaning hours, hitting the flying forearm on Edge and the atomic drop. Scoop slam sets up the elbow drop. Shawn follows by tuning the band but Orton run at him. Michaels tries to clothesline Orton, who ducks and hits a killing dropkick. Orton has Edge then tag him in to hit an RKO, but Shawn escapes and tags Cena who hits the FU on Orton for the win.
Winner: Cena
 
Cena holds both of his belts and turns to see Shawn setting up for the music, but he stares him down. Cena asks if it is all about the belt, yelling at Michaels that they are tag champs now when Taker’s music hits. Taker rises from the flames on stage to make his message clear as the show goes off the air.
 
Highlight of the Night: Taker comes to Raw for the first time in a very, very long time.
 
Lowlight of the Night: Cryme Tyme jobs out to World’s Greatest Tag Team, despite being next in line for tag titles whenever they finish their runs as props.
 
Eugene Award: Trump rains money on the stadium. Oh huzzah....

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).