RAW RANT ARCHIVE (February 2009)
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February 02, 2009
February 09, 2009
February 16, 2009
February 23, 2009
Raw 2.2.08
Show opens with Shane McMahon and a replay of what happened at the end of last week’s show. For some reason Shane has Superman level build up music for the segment. Shane says Randy’s legal team approached him after the show to say that Orton wants a match with him at No Way Out. They’ll be having a No Holds Barred Match which is exactly the same as a Street Fight, or a Hardcore Match or an Extreme Rules Match or a No DQ Match….or a Bar Room Brawl match…sigh. He says he’ll make sure Orton will be in no physical condition to actually compete at Wrestlemania. Orton’s theme gets a pretty big pop. Orton says that Shane managed to take out the top three superstars himself apparently. He says he told Ted and Cody not to fight which is why it was able to happen. The crowd interrupts to chant RKO since apparently they forgot that his signature move is actually the headlock. It’s ironic that an RKO is just a modified falling headlock anyway.
Orton says Vince will have company in the hospital after No Way Out and starts to approach down the ramp before turning around and leaving like a little pussy. He pauses though to dramatically look at the camera like some kind of anime character and lay his microphone on the ground. Orton then turns and starts to head back to the ring. Shane prepares for a fight. Cody and Ted try to sneak up but Shane has a hidden Shinai and beats them all back with it. Orton cusses Cody and Ted out for getting whipped like Asians.
Random Commercial Thought: They should have called the movie Murderbank.
Back to the show. CM Punk and Mickie James arrive to have some kind of match. Mickie James is like the new Trish Stratus. She’s talented enough to make the other Divas look pretty good if they aren’t and just pretty enough to be a slut for every face they feel like having her suck off. They are taking on Layla and Regal.
Intercontinental Champion CM Punk & Mickie James vs. William Regal & Layla
Punk and Regal start off with Regal literally getting his ass kicked. Regal makes the tag to Layla which forces Mickie James to come in. Punk goes to leave and Regal tackles him from behind. Regal then distracts so Layla can deck Mickie James with a hard forearm. Layla taunts, building up some Smackdown Meter before Mickie interrupts with a flurry of attacks. They clothesline each other and the men make the tag. Punk clobbers Regal with strikes and nails several hard kicks to the head to lay him out on the floor. Regal hides behind Layla but Mickie James suicide dives on Layla. Regal trips Punk off the apron hard. Regal knees Punk in the temple when he crawls in at a Nine count, allowing the cover.
Winners: Regal & Layla
And now, stuff that happened in the past that you don’t care about: Wrestlemania 2.
Random Commercial Thought: How do you spell that thing Disturbed says in every song? Oo wa-ah-ah-ah?
Back to the show. Priceless are out to the ring to take on Cryme Tyme. Not much to say about this. It’s your classic race war of rich white boys vs. ghetto black dudes.
Cryme Tyme vs. Priceless
JTG and Ted start off with JTG landing an interesting face buster out of the corner for two. JTG rolls through an attack and gets kicked in the jaw for two from Dibiase. Cody tags in and delivers a flip over…um…grabbing the leg and lightly pulling the opponent down like it did something? Oookaaaay? Cody shows what he’s learned from Orton as he works a reverse chinlock. JTG escapes and makes the tag as Shad runs both men over. Ted is laid out with a scoop slam and Shad fires up the crowd for the Thugnificence. and Cody breaks up the cover. Cody gets Dqed after he refuses to leave, taking out JTG and they double team Shad. A double Team DDT leaves Shad squished.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
We get a video replay of words being exchanged by Jericho and Mickey (mouse?) Rourke.
Random Commercial Thought: If you ad enough hairspray to an afro, you can use it as a deadly weapon.
Back to the show where we see a small snippet of Orton, Rhodes and Dibiase in the back with no comment or reasoning before we cut to Jericho in the ring to talk about Mickey Rourke. He basically takes over Orton’s gimmick of shit talking legendary wrestlers. He demands that they be revoked their status in the Hall of Fame. Cena eventually cuts off his practically monotone monologue. Cena points out how Chris is doing the same things all these legends do. You know what legend doesn’t do any of that crap? Eddie Guererro…oh wait he died. Cena threatens to knock Jericho’s teeth down his throat which my dentist tells me is very bad for you. We go from there to Kingston and Rey on their way to the ring.
Random Commercial Thought: I can out-ski insurance agents too.
Back to the show where we get a replay of Kingston beating Kane last week. We learn Mike Knox will be in the Elimination Chamber because God hates Raw apparently. Who the fuck decided he should be in a main event?
Kofi Kingston & Rey Mysterio vs. Kane & Mike Knox
Kingston starts off with Kane and counters with kick that send Kane to the floor. Mike tries to come in but backs down from a double team by Rey and Kofi as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Friday the 13th Doesn’t need a reboot. The last two reboots of horror franchises have sucked. I have low expectations.
Back to the match where Kofi counters a toss from Kane to the apron, trying to get a sunset flip in. Kane drags him up but Kingston delivers a dropkick and forces Kane to the corner for Rey to tag in. At least we’re being spared much of Mike Knox. Mysterio sets up a 619 but Kane rolls to the floor only to eat a senton from Mysterio on the floor. Kane catches Rey on the way in with a hard shot to tag in Knox. Knox tosses Rey around and hoists him onto his shoulder but a blind tag from Kofi sets up a shoulder block and the Boom Boom Boom for two. Kingston escapes an attack but runs into a running kick from Knox for two. Kane tags in and beats on Kingston some more, trading out with Knox occasionally for much of the same. Kofi catches Kane with an enziguiri but Kane knocks Rey to the floor and drags Kofi back for more beating from Knox. Kingston comes back again but Rey is still chilling out on the floor.
Rey decides he should bother to get back up but Kane is back in to drag Kingston away. I want to know why Knox is in the chamber and Kane isn’t. Kane catches Kingston out of a leap over in the corner and he breaks free, finally fighting to the tag. Rey leaps into a senton and kicks Knox to the floor delivering a tilt a whirl neck breaker to Kane. A springboard leg drop on Kane gets two when Knox breaks up the pin. Kingston takes Knox out but get crushed on Mike’s knee outside. Kane is set up for the 619 and it misses when Knox blocks from the outside. Mysterio kicks him off and leaps in to be caught by Kane. Aw he wants to give him a hug…or a choke slam. Ouch.
Winners: Kane & Knox
After the match, Stephanie and Shane are walking along minding their own business when Orton and friends show up to beat their asses. They squash Steph to a wall and beat Shane down. They proceed to then defeat the security team by their selves. Orton tries to kick Stephanie in the head FINALLY but Shane throws himself in front of it like a fat guy in front of an all you can eat buffet.
Random Commercial Thought: They seem to be really fond of this video game, I’m beginning to wonder if any other games have come out ever.
Back to the show where we replay the “Owen Hart Voice” worthy scene of Shane and Steph getting their butts kicked. We get another replay from Wrestlemania since we have nothing better to do before returning to commercial. No other show on TV does this to you. Can you imagine if you were watching House and when you came back from commercial they replayed something that had just happened or had happened years ago on the show then went back to commercial?
Random Commercial Thought: The production values in the e-surance cartoons is sadly higher than most cartoons these days.
Back to the show where Candice is here to her shitty theme and anti-heat. She’s taking on Beth and her entourage of losers.
Candice Michelle vs. Beth Phoenix w/ Rosa Mendez & Santino Marella
Beth just crushes Candice and delivers a big back suplex when Candice tries to deliver a Dudley Dog. Beth picks up two and puts a Canadian back breaker on. At least Canada is good for something. Candice kicks off the ropes to flip over and finally gets a sunset flip for two. Candice fights back with punches and chops, dropping Beth with a neck breaker. Candice delivers a kick and springboards off the middle rope with a kick for two. Beth powers back with the Phoenix Arizona for the win.
Winner: Beth
After the match, Rosa kicks Candice to the curb like a game of Gears of War. We then learn that next week The Mummy will be he-…oh I mean Ric Flair will be on the show. Right.
Random Commercial Thought: You too should know that when watching commercials instead of viewing a show on Tivo, it’s important to pretend you are watching them with a naked woman to make yourself feel better.
Back to the show where we replay how Shawn lost his match last week, keeping JBL from the Elimination Chamber. JBL is in the ring to give an employee evaluation of Shawn Michaels. There’s a sign in the crowd that reads John Bradshaw Lardfilled. Har har. They both begin to talk but it comes to me as white noise. Shawn claims he did everything he could but JBL tells him he failed and asks if he wants to be fired or not. Shawn says he really wants to kick his teeth down his throat. I guess he’ll be at the dentist with Jericho. JBL challenges HBK to a match where he will pay him all the money he promised if he wins but if he wins, he owns him. Oh yay a slave. This promo becomes great when it begins to involve a dancing monkey. This is how AIDS happened. JBL proceeds to smack Shawn around and trash talk him while he cries like a little pussy. Cry baby cry! CRRRRYYYYY! Seriously though, nothing ever comes of this. It was mostly there to spend some time.
Don’t you just love WWE?
Random Commercial Thought: The Pope needs a mustache like that.
Remind me why Hornswoggle is still around please. We get another replay of the McMahons being beat down. King talks about what Orton did like a dog that peed on the carpet. We see in the back Stephanie has made a deal for Kane to get the Undertaker to take on Orton next week in exchange for being put in the Chamber match. Huh. No hope for just replacing Mike Knox with him eh? Jericho and Cena are soon out to the ring and they waste no time in getting started.
World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. Chris Jericho (Non-title Match)
Cena unleashes on Jericho, beating him down to the ground in the corner before Jericho pulls his shirt over his head and begins to wail back. Cena tosses Jericho to the corner and delivers a bull dog. Cena lays Jericho out with a back suplex an the fight spills to the floor. Cena is countered and thrown over the announce table as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: You can’t trust geckos with money.
Back to the match. Jericho is down to using a weak ass looking kind of sleeper hold or something. Cena powers out, lifting Jericho up but Jericho drops him with a DDT for two. Cena is sent flying from the apron to the floor. Jericho continues to pummel Cena back in the ring, forcing him to the corner. The crowd rallies for Cena as Jericho rams himself into a steel post and generic Cena offense begins. Protobomb to Five Knuckle Shuffle. Jericho tries to counter to the walls but Cena counters to a roll up. Jericho kicks out but is dragged into an STFU. Jericho counters this into his own roll up for two before nailing a lionsault for two more. Another Protobomb sets up for a Five Knuckle Shuffle that actually lands now and Cena scoops for the FU but Jericho flips out into a Code Breaker. Cena tosses him off and gets kicked back by Jericho. Jericho slips out of a second FU and locks on the Walls.
Could someone please explain to me what is supposed to be so painful about some guy bending your legs at the knees, a joint that naturally bends back like that? Wouldn’t it hurt more to go the other direction? Cena rolls back and seems to have Jericho for a roll up but her rolls through into an STFU out of nowhere that Jericho immediately taps to.
Winner: Cena
I do like how Cole always just calls it an STF instead of the goofy signature name. that’s all for the show tonight as we end with a recap of next week’s matches.
Highlight of the Night: The Main Event was pretty good and at least there -was- a match that felt like a real main event on the card.
Lowlight of the Night: The Layla Regal vs. Mickie/Punk match was subpar and mostly a clusterfuck with an equally chaotic ending.
WWE “Creative” Award: Why oh why would I care if Stephanie almost got kicked in the head? Nobody likes her! Even when she’s a face she gets booed.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Raw 02.09.09
Show opens with Ric Flair dragging his leathery carcass out to the ring to give us a recap from last year’s Wrestlemania. He says he faced off against the Great Shawn Michaels which I am assuming is some kind of Pallet Swapped boss version of Shawn Michaels. Chris Jericho cuts him off and tells him to rewatch how he hugged Jericho the night after he lost to Shawn Michaels. He says if he had known what he would become afterward he would have kept his hugs to himself and just slapped him in the face. Flair says he will never sell out or wrestle again. Thank God. He says he is losing respect for Jericho by the minute. They begin to have a whiney housewife fight and I take this opportunity to check my messages. He says he will run his life the way he wants to because he is old….or because he can. Jericho says he will return eventually because he can’t walk away with any dignity whatsoever. I thought that already happened. Jericho talks some more shit
and tells Flair to show off like a monkey. DANCE MONKEY DANCE. Flair knocks him out with a round house punch.
After that little aside, we have a recap of Shane and Orton in case you haven’t been watching Raw recently (good for you). We get a reminder Taker will take on Orton.
Random Commercial Thought: Jason wore a potato sack mask like the one in Psych in the second Friday the 13th movie.
Back to the show where Beth is in the ring with her entourage and Jillian Hall for a tag team match against Melina and Kelly Kelly. You may recall Kelly Kelly from such squashes as last week and the week before. It’s nice of them to remind us of the Dog Show during the diva’s match if you want to switch channels.
Kelly Kelly & Women’s Champion Melina vs. Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall w/ Rosa Mendez & Santino Marella
Kelly backflips out of a foot catch as per usual against Jillian and tags out to Melina. Melina almost botches a move before doing a head scissors to a kick on the ropes. Jillian comes back and tags out to Beth who powers over Melina. Beth misses a leg drop and Melina matrix dodges an attack. Melina delivers a kick to the back of the knee out of the split to a roundhouse to the jaw. She picks up two before tossing Jillian over the ropes. Melina tries to leap off the bottom rope but Rosa trips her up and allows for Melina to eat the Phoenix Arizona for the loss.
Winners: Beth & Kelly
After the match we get a flashback to Wrestlemania 3. Nothing new here, moving on…
Random Commercial Thought: Italian mothers must be bad cooks.
Back to the show. The Not so Great but kind of Regular Shawn Michaels is talking to JBL in the back about their match at No Way Out. JBL reminds him he is still his employee and tonight he is giving him a tune up match against Mark Henry. I like how no clothes are hanging in these lockers except for JBL’s hat. Orton’s theme reminds us it’s okay to have a mental illness so long as you can afford a lawyer. I spent most of this promo watching the “I’m Black Y’all” song on youtube. I like that video. Orton claims he didn’t actually plan to kick Steph, he just wanted to see what Shane would do. For someone who didn’t want to kick anyone he sure beat the shit out of Shane’s kidney. Orton says Taker couldn’t beat him, so Shane stands no chance. Priceless who were standing behind Orton pointless for the duration of this segment head out from the ramp to their theme as we go to commercial.\
Random Commercial Thought: Reality show stars shouldn’t be on real TV shows.
Back to the show where Cryme Tyme finally get back from stealing every car in the event parking lot to get in the match.
Priceless vs. Cryme Tyme
Shad starts us off with Rhodes and he tosses him around like a little bitch. Shad power slams Rhodes out of the corner and Rhodes catches him with a kick to the jaw before blind tagging Dibiase. Rhodes distracts Shad by running and Dibiase attacks from behind beating him down. Rhodes tags back in for a short double team and they force Shad to the corner. They then proceed to get the rope and the lynching wasn’t very funny after that. Double teaming continues pretty nonstop as they both tag in and out constantly, forcing the ref to practice counting to five quite a great deal. Shad tries to make the tag but Dibiase nails a kick to the head but only get two instead of putting Shad in the hospital like Orton. I think they should call it the Norris Kick. Dibiase gets thrown off powerfully by Shad and the tags are made.
JTG rapes Rhodes and several virgin white women in the audience before nailing the mug shot in the corner. Shad is beaten down over the ropes by Dibiase, distracting JTG which allows Rhodes to come up from behind and get that finisher move on JTG which he apparently calls CrossRhodes.
Winners: Priceless
Random Commercial Thought: My Cartoons should be superheroes too.
Back to the show where Kane and lol Mike Knox (He should be called that from now on, LOLMike Knox) as well as Jericho are now out for a six man tag match with the other Chamber contestants. These entrances combined take long enough that apparently we now need to take another commercial break. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT OF WWE!
Random Commercial Thought: Who would want to use a product that turns you into chocolate?
Back to the show with the match underway already.
Kofi Kingsto & Rey Mysterio & World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. Mike Knox & Kane & Chris Jericho
Kingston is confusing Kane and he slides out of the corner for a corner charge, coming off the top with a cross body. Boom Boom Boom picks up a two count. Kofi starts kicking at the knees but Kane catches his foot and throws him off, leveling Kingston with a clothesline. Knox comes in to assault Kingston with the vermin that crawl out of his beard. According to Cole, Monstrous Mike Knox tags in. I can only assume sometimes the beard opens up and tentacles come out. Kingston slip out of Knox’s assault and makes the tag to Cena. Cena delivers his general offense and Cole calls the FU the Attitude Adjustment for some reason. Kingston tries to hold off the heels but they manages to stop the FU and put Cena on the defensive.
Jericho tags in and hangs Cena up by the neck on the bottom rope. Jericho taunts the faces and Cena comes back but Jericho shuts him down, picking up a two count. Cena hoists Jericho up out of a half nelson but Jericho counters it into a DDT. Kane tags in and crushes Cena in the corner with a clothesline for two. Kane locks on the deadly vicious headlock of doom. Kane crushes Cena with a side slam for another two count. At least Cena has an ethnically balanced team. Cole calls the FU the Attitude Adjustment again which really pisses me off as he lands it on Kane. What the fuck is with that name?
Mysterio makes the tag now and destroys Jericho who has tagged in. Knox stomps Mysterio in the middle of a cover and takes him out. Kingston comes in and assaults everyone. Mysterio is taken out against the ring apron hard while Kingston assaults him in the corner. Kingston leaps off the ropes into a cross body right into the code breaker from Jericho.
Winners: Jericho, Kane & Knox
In the back, Stephanie is wearing some creepy lounge singer business suit colors. She’s on the phone talking to Shane who is telling her not to provoke him.
Random Commercial Thought: Random Ike Guy is the dumbest fucking Smash Bros meme of all time.
Back to the show where we get a replay of Shawn accepting the challenge from JBL. Shawn comes out to take on Mark Henry as we appropriately are reminded of some other animals being on TV on a different channel.
Shawn Michaels vs. Mark Henry w/ Atlas
Shawn attacks early and fast, beating on Henry and tackling him to the floor. Shawn escapes an attempt by Henry to throw him to a ring post and grabs a chair. Back in the ring, Henry takes the chair and Shawn kicks it into his face.
Winner: Henry
JBL reminds him after the match what will happen if he does that in their match and says he’ll make Michaels into his Mickey Mouse. JBL demands Michaels bring his wife to No Way Out. I assume she could go if she isn’t tired of getting punched in the face by other men. Tasty. JBL starts talking about how Shawn’s wife is a pretty lady. He then has a box delivered. WHAT’S IN THE BOX, JOHN?! WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!
Random Commercial Thought: I wasn’t even paying attention to them this time, but I’m going to assume at least one of them involved a monkey fighting Abraham Lincoln.
Back to the show where Punk and Regal are about to mix it up for a prop.
Intercontinental Champion CM Punk vs. William Regal w/ Layla (Intercontinental Title Match)
Punk takes a knee right to the head from Regal at the beginning but comes back with heavy kicks of his own. Regal gets scooped up to a GTS but escapes and takes Punk down with punches for two. King gets cut off in mid sentence by Layla’s ass. Me too. Regal does the same thing again and again, just beating him down to covers. A head butt counters a sunset flip attempt. He delivers a gut buster suplex. Regal tries for the knee lift, but Punk counters with a kick and removes his kneepad before landing the GTS for the win.
Winner: Punk
A return to the past for Wrestlemania 13 and the “instant classic” of Taker vs. Sid Vicious….yeah I said the same thing.
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t want a bundle of COX.
Back to the show where we get a video package about Rourke winning Best Lead Actor from the BBC, like Britain ever mattered for anything. We go on to get a recap of the card for No Way Out and get to see the world’s worst street before a replay of Orton beating McMahon ass. Fun for all.
Random Commercial Thought: One way. Or another. I’m gonna find ya. I’m gonna stalk ya stalk ya stalk ya.
Back to the show where we spend five minutes getting people to get to the ring for Undertaker’s entrance mostly. I’m glad Orton doesn’t carry invisible beach balls anymore.
The Undertaker vs. Randy Orton
Taker pummels Orton into the corner when he tries to start off strong. He clotheslines Orton to the floor but on the outside, Orton catches him with a low kick and slams Taker to the barricade. Taker hangs him up on the top rope an his way back in before Orton takes a trip to the floor to regroup. Taker catches him at the corner with a clothesline as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Is that man or a woman?
We come back to Orton doing a headlock. Taker breaks free but Orton catches him off the ropes with a power slam for two. Taker comes back with a back suplex now as we watch Orton stagger around like a cast member of Dawn of the Dead. Taker beats Orton back with rights and Orton tries to fight back with some of his own and an uppercut. Taker crushes Orton in the corner with a clothesline and the snake eyes before landing a leg drop. Hulk Hogan sheds a tear as he gets a two count. Taker signals the choke slam and totally fails. Orton kicks free but is tossed right out of a dropkick by Taker. Taker tries for a tombstone, but as he scoops Orton, Priceless makes the save and they beat Taker down.
Winner: Taker
Orton commands everyone to step back and proceeds to do the worm as some kind of set up for the RKO. Shane dives into the ring from behind and takes out Orton while Taker choke slams Rhodes. Shane pummels Dibiase into another choke slam while Orton runs scared. Shane puts Dibiase in the corner with a Trash can for the Coast to Coast. BREAK HIS ANKLE. Aw he doesn’t botch it but does make the trip across the ring as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: The Westminster Dog Show. I loved that guy with no legs and his dog.
Lowlight of the Night: The Attitude Adjustment? Are you fucking serious?
WWE “Creative” Award: Can someone explain to me why Undertaker can’t handle a couple of scrub wrestlers by himself?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (02/16/09) By Cameron Burge
Raw
2.16.09
As if things aren’t annoying enough, this fat blob of a person, Vickie, opens the show
to announce Edge. Wait….does this mean Vickie is on both shows now? Fuck me in the ass. Edge talks about how he didn’t
cry over losing the first Chamber. Instead he just cut himself all night. He calls us all Failure Turtles, which I’ve
never quite heard of that particular species. Edge calls everyone wrong and dances on the ground like a retard. He tells us
so many times I can’t remember if I was wrong or not. Vickie gets on the microphone much to my own disdain. I choose
to ignore everything we hear and try to look away from the screen intensely when they make out. John Cena eventually interrupts
things and saves us all. Didn’t think I’d be saying that any time soon.
Cena gives his congratulations
to Edge and says he’s not going to pull an Orton and sue to try and get the results thrown out. He reintroduces Edge
as the new Champion and stars to point out what the R stands for in Rated R. I was hoping for Retarded to be one of them but
apparently it stands for Rematch. It’s unclear whether or not they will ever get that rematch though as Edge makes excuses.
Anyway, Cena says he will find Edge if he goes anywhere and runs from him. Also, Shane McMahon randomly appears to tell us
he’ll have an unsanctioned fight with Orton. Yay? I’ve always wondered who sanctions WWE matches. Clowns?
Random
Commercial Thought: Why is The Rock in nothing but kids movies these days? He’s like the new Vin Diesel.
Back
to the show where Cryme Tyme are here to team up with CM Punk. They are apparently taking on the three-person team of Regal
and Layla’s tits. Oh no wait, he’s teaming with Priceless.
William Regal & Priceless w/ Layla vs. Cryme
Tyme & Intercontinental Champion CM Punk
Punk and Rhodes start off with Punk countering a bitch slap from Rhodes
with a high kick. He then casually delivers the GTS…to his arm pit and knocks Rhodes out. Regal comes in and gets sent
to the floor while Dibiase drags the lifeless body of Rhodes out of the ring and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial
Thought: The world will shout save us and I’ll whisper “Can a guy masturbate in peace?!”
Back to
the show where Regal is working Punk over through the magic of commercial breaks. He stomps Punk to the ground and tags Rhodes
in who does much of the same. Cody delivers a scoop slam and drops a knee to the temple for a two count. I’m still wondering
why nobody has bothered to send Rhodes to an Originality Academy or something. They could have at least changed the default
settings on him a little. Dibiase tags in and delivers more kicks before Rhodes returns to do more of the same. Punk lands
an enziguiri and JTG makes the tag.
JTG wrecks everyone but stops a cover on Dibiase to beat on Rhodes. Shad has to
take Regal out to the floor and JTG gets caught from behind by Dibase’s Dream Street finisher for the loss. I’m
glad Cryme Tyme got so much ring time /sarcasm.
Winners: Priceless & Regal
Back to the show where Stephanie
is begging Shane not to fight Orton tonight because he was in the hospital last night. He tells her that he’s a man
and will fight him on his terms before telling the bitch to go make him a sandwich like women should.
Random Commercial
Thought: Quickly, run to pick up Quarantine to have the most expensive coaster you have ever owned.
Back to the show
where Jericho begs the Academy to not vote for Mickey Rourke as it will encourage losers and washed up has-beens to come back
to the ring. He has a point. I’m kind of tired of seeing fat old man gut every so often on TV without any prior warning.
I’m looking at you Piper. Oh what the fuck I no sooner typed that than Roddy Piper actually does come out to the ring.
Bullshit. He beat cancer. Are you cancer, Jericho? He will fuck you up! Piper says he’ll do a shoot with him on this.
If by shoot you mean, not that in any way what so ever, then that is exactly what happens. Piper tells him to shut the hell
up and then cuts Jericho off when he tries to rebuttal. Piper proceeds to cut a great line about what it’s like to be
a Legend. Piper says he has one hip and he hurts all the time but he’ll crawl to the ring every time we want. Damn,
it’s a good thing we don’t want that at all. He says Old School is cool. What a terrible film.
Jericho
then proceeds to do what he should have done to Legends earlier and punches Piper out before kicking him across the ring.
Random
Commercial Thought: Iowa is full of hicks.
Back to the show where Jamie Noble is in the ring to tell us he can make
it longer than Chavo did against Kane last year. Nine seconds was how long it took for Kane to beat Chavo at Wrestlemania.
Jamie
Noble vs. Kane
Kane catches him in mid jump and delivers a choke slam.
Winner: Kane
Wow. It took sixteen
seconds in case you care, which I am sure you don’t. Elsewhere we see JBL on his way to the ring from the back because
he lost a fight to his own employee. He should have just threatened to fire him if he didn’t lose….wait…PARADOX.
Random
Commercial Thought: Tiny burgers are like tiny penises, popular with the women…wait a minute!
Back to the show.
JBL talks about how he has more money than anyone here will ever have even after paying Michaels his money. He’s mad
that he can’t win his belt for Wrestlemania. He says those goals were too small and now he wants immortality….so
he’s going to collect the seven Dragonballs and make a wish…or he’s going to beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania.
Shawn Michaels suddenly arrives and worships Jesus to let him see his pyro from space. Shawn says he’s living heaven
on Earth and now he wants to face Undertaker instead. Shawn goes off on how awesome he is at Wrestlemania, ignoring the many
matches he lost. JBL tells him to suck a dick, but Michaels decides they should have a match next week to decide to gets to
try and end the streak. Great, just what I wanted to see, another JBL match.
Random Commercial Thought: I want an armpit
beard.
Back to the show where Rey Mysterio arrives in his hood gear to take on Mike Knox who for some reason won’t
shave but can take the time wax his chest.
Mike Knox vs. Rey Mysterio
Rey starts off fast but Mike keeps powering
back. He tries to rally back, but Knox just chucks him straight from the ring over the ropes to faceplant on the floor as
we go to commercial again.
Random Commercial Thought: I need more cheese fries.
Back to the show. Rey kicks
out of a body slam at two and Knox decides to use all of his vicious cunning and apply a chinlock. He misses a corner charge
and Rey tries to fight back with strikes and kicks only to eat a tilt a whirl back breaker for two. Rey runs from Knox in
and out of the ring, catching him with a kick as he comes back in only to be crushed with an Irish Whip to the corner. The
crowd chants 619 for us. Rey eats a heavy clothesline for two but then rallies back with some quick offense, unable to put
Knox down but an enziguiri finally leaves Knox hung up on the ropes for the 619. Mysterio misses the plancha and tries a moonsault
but Knox catches him and puts Rey up in the Tree of Woe until he’s dragged away by the ref. Knox charges in but Mysterio
leaps up and rolls Knox up for three.
Winner: Mysterio
In the back, Beth is prepping Rosa and Santino as we go to
commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I like it when Strippers fight zombies.
Back to the show. Over 1 Million
photos of Divas were viewed last months. That’s over one thousand bottles of lotion gone through. Melina is here now
to defend the belt to Beth. I like how Rosa brought a towel with her for some reason.
Beth Phoenix w/ Santino Marella
& Rosa Mendez vs. Women’s Champion Melina (Women’s Title Match)
Beth just catches Melina out of a weird
jump she starts off. Beth tosses her around like a rag doll, kicking her teeth in. Melina gets crushed in the corner before
she is bounced off the ropes into a suplex. Beth locks on an abdominal stretch on the ground. This looks awkward with women.
Beth gets a two count and then tosses Melina to the floor. On the outside, Rosa kicks Melina and then the face divas arrive
to kick the shit out of Santino. The distraction allows for a rollup by Melina to win the match.
Winner: Melina
After
the match we learn the next inductees into the hall of fame will be The Funks. That’s pretty cool. Now it’s off
to more commercials. I feel like I’ve only seen about an hour of actual show tonight and much less wrestling than that.
Random
Commercial Thought: I’m confused if Push is a sequel to Jumper. What the fuck is this movie? It’s based off of
a comic like Jumper, I know that match and it seems to be the exact same fucking movie.
Back to the show where we get
a replay of exactly what went down between Cena and Edge earlier in the night. In the back, Stephanie is on the phone with
somebody about Shane and gets disconnected. Where you at DAWG? She proceeds to break it on the floor and pout as we return
to commercials. Ah advertisements. Where would I be without you?
Random Commercial Thought: I believe in the power
of love.
Shane McMahon comes out to his theme music for this random fight. What kind of guy shows up at a fight with
theme music? Well, actually if I could, I would. In fact, I would have the Mortal Kombat theme play while we fought. Shane
is nice enough to wait for Orton to slowly walk to the ring and finally gets fed up with how slow he is moving and just dives
out to go after him. Shane just clobbers Orton and beats him to the ring barricade and over into the crowd. Shane leaps from
the wall into a flying clothesline. Should I call this a match? I mean, it can’t have a winner, it’s just going
to be a spot fest I guess. Shane continues to beat Orton down to the back wall and kicks him before breaking….a water
bottle of his head. OH GOD NOT WATER. There’s heavy electronic equipment all around and he grabs the water bottle.
They
fight back to ringside and Shane is slammed into the announcer’s desk then the stairs face first. Orton kicks Shane
back to the ring and proceeds to drool all over the place which is just awkward. Why doesn’t he grab a weapon or something.
Orton continues to beat Shane to the floor and stand in the ring. Orton rams his back into the side of the ring multiple times.
Well….I’m bored. Shane pauses then tackles Orton back over the announce table to beat him down into the floor
and slam a clearly padded chair onto his face. Shane gets the ring bell, the first real weapon so far and clocks Orton over
the face with it. Some guy shouts FINISH HIM……MORTAL KOMBAAAAAT! Shane has Orton set up in the corner and gets
up top for Coast to Coast but Dibiase and Rhodes appear to save the day, setting up the head punt. GOOOOOOAAAAAL. Steph comes
to his rescue…..Kick. Her. Kiiiiiick heeeeeer. Stephanie yells at Orton and eats an RKO instead. I love how
he
always just looks like he shit himself when he does these things. The medical staff runs from the ring like girls when Triple
H arrives. Orton and crew run and Trips gets the BLAAARG TRIPLE H ANGRY look as he stares down from the ring.
Highlight
of the Night: BLAAARG TRIPLE H ANGRY!
Lowlight of the Night: No real Main Event. Boo.
WWE “Creative”
Award: Why does Trips care if they are storyline-wise divorced? Lol continuity errors.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Raw 02.23.09
Vickie opens the show to tell us she
is now interim General Manager. I died a little inside and I think my penis just ran to hide in terror. She wishes the McMahons
nothing but the best (unless they die and leave the company to her). John Cena interrupts things to tell us this isn’t
right. I actually agree. He wants to know why the board of directors would choose her. He says we could still hire Mike Adamle
back. He even demands Michael Cole. He says you can’t fight city hall though (you can’t fight Corporate America,
like Rocko’s Modern Life). He says she should lie about caring about the McMahons or anyone else. He says all she cares
about is Edge being the champion. Cena demands his rematch clause to be activated and he’s cashing in tonight. Edge
interrupts to….wait why is the Big Show with him? He asks who Cena thinks he is. I knew someone who thought they were
Napoleon once.
Edge claims Cena wants to be the new Stone Cold (more like Rock Cold hybrid) and points out that Cena
can’t quite be that because Edge is the champion or something. Edge says he should hold off and stretch it out because
when he loses his rematch, his little image is going to die. He points out Edge is courageous when backed up by a 400 lbs,
barbaric beast….and the Big Show. Ba-zing. Vickie says Cena will either face Vickie’s Friend or Family…I
assume he’s going to fight the corpse of Eddie Guerrero and Chavo Sr. in a handicap match. Cena assumes he’s either
taking on Edge or Big Show. We go to the parking lot for a limo and Legacy who think Trips might be lurking in the parking
lot like some kind of rapist. It turns out to just be King waiting for the girl scout cookies he ordered.
Random Commercial
Thought: The title of Burn Notice confuses me. If you are burned, don’t you always notice?
Back to the show where
we get a qualifier for Money in the Bank at Wrestlemania. CM Punk is out first to try and fill the obligatory IC Champion
slot that is always in the match for seemingly no reason. He’s taking on the Miz, who if he wins will make me want to
hurt someone in new and interesting ways. Morrison is in as well and for some reason we have partners in a Triple Threat Match…what
the fuck?
Intercontinental Champion CM Punk vs. World Tag Team Champion Miz vs. World Tag Team Champion John Morrison
(Money in the Bank Qualifier)
CM Punk attacks them both and tries a small package for two on Miz. Morrison recovers
for the save and they team up on Punk, one holding and the other kicking. They stomp Punk down to the ground as you have to
wonder what the logical booking for this match is. Punk hops over Miz in the corner but gets ran down by Morrison from behind.
They continue the double team as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I molested my Mailman.
Back
to the show. Have you ever wondered why Morrison looks like he spray paints his body with the left over of the paint form
Giant Gonzales’ costume? in the ring, Morrison is working Punk in a headlock. During the break, Punk dodged a Shooting
Star Press from Morrison to the floor, causing him to hit Miz. Punk comes back with the Pepsi One, but Miz takes CM Punk out
from behind, Morrison deciding to take a break in the floor by himself now. Miz picks up a two count off of a suplex. The
crowd instantly DIES. I can’t even hear anyone breathing or anything. Miz works a chinlock as we soak in his X-pac heat.
Punk kicks his way free and Morrison is back in but he turns them against one another, taking out both men with some rather
odd offense. Miz eats the Pepsi One, with the bull dog also being a clothesline on Morrison. Punk signals the GTS on Miz,
but scoop slams Morrison for two. Miz sets up Punk on his shoulders for a spring board kick from
Morrison.
Morrison
breaks up the pin by Miz and covers for his own two count. Miz then rolls up Morrison for two of his own. Miz reels back and
QUEER FIGHT! Miz tries to dump Morrison to the floor but he lands on the apron. Miz tries to suplex him in and Punk catches
him into the GTS out of the suplex, knocking Miz to the floor with Morrison’s legs before landing the GTS.
Winner:
Punk
Random Commercial Thought: Last house on the Left got a remake too? With this, Friday the 13th and the upcoming
Nightmare on Elm street, I’m beginning to think it’s remake a good horror film and make it suck year.
Back
to the show where King points out Triple H is inexplicably married to Stephanie again (lol continuity? Fuck that shit). We
get a replay of the interview with Trips from Smackdown last week. Long story, short: Trips Angry, Trips Smash. In the back,
Santino and company appear before Dolph Ziggler. He tries to introduce himself to everyone but ends up shaking Santino’s
hand three times instead. What’s that guys name again?
Random Commercial Thought: Grand Theft Auto, now with
more biker beard.
Back to the show. Replay of Santino being mobbed by women in the bad way last week. Melina is out
next to team up with angry black men. This looks like a scary gang bang about to happen.
Cryme Tyme & Women’s
Champion Melina vs. Beth Phoenix & Santino Marella & Dolph Ziggler w/ Rosa Mendez
Melina latches onto Beth
like some kind of freaky troll only to be thrown off. She leaps back onto her again and is once again tossed off. Beth tosses
Melina to the corner, but Melina ducks a follow up and hangs Beth up in the corner for an interesting corner attack. Beth
backs off from the Karate stance for some reason and Dolph and JTG come in.
White Power prevails for a little bit until
JTG begins a series of arm drags. JTG gets his face buster out of the corner for a two count. Dolph is running scared but
he trips JTG up and slams him down. Don’t trust Whitey. Dolph stomps him down and gets a headlock in tight. JTG breaks
free and makes the tag to Shad. Shad slams Dolph and sets up for the Money Money elbow but Dolph runs to the tag to Santino.
Santino gets pumped and eats Thugnificence right away.
Winners: Melina & Cryme Tyme
And now, the celebratory
rape. Also, Michaels is on his way to the ring.
Random Commercial Thought: The Oscars has a habit of giving awards
to movies no one has ever heard of or cared to see.
Back to the show where we get a trailer for Cena’s new movie.
JBL arrives to take on Super Shawn Michaels. I can only assume the source of all his powers is his smile.
Shawn Michaels
vs. JL (Winner faces Taker at Mania)
Michaels tackles JBL out of the tie up into some mounted punches. He does so a
second time before being flattened with a clothesline for two. JBL continues to beat on Michaels in typical JBL fashion. Imagine
a plodding bull kind of knocking some weaker, small animal around for a while unskillfully and you petty much have what we’re
seeing here. JBL runs into a kick in the corner, but dodges a follow up and punches Michaels straight down to the floor. Michaels
Cole calls this the floor atmosphere which is a bit of an oxymoron. JBL slams Michaels to the ring post and they both eat
it, barely crawling back in at the 9 count as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I want to know why that
guy needed an energy drink in order to fuck his secretary. I could have nailed that like a Jew to a cross with or without
help.
Back to the show where Michaels and JBL are dueling on the top rope. Michaels punches JBL to the floor but Jibbles
lands on his feet and clocks him with big boot to send him to the floor. Michaels crawls in, eating a clothesline for two.
Michaels comes back with his general offense, so I’m sure any one of you could recap the moves that follow into an elbow
drop. Michaels tunes up the band forever. JBL tries to hit a clothesline from Hell, but they both whiff. Michaels is sent
to the corner then skins the cat and runs into a boot. Das Boot. JBL taunts and goes for the Clothesline from Hell but instead
charges into Sweet Chin Music.
Winner: Michaels
Some Music starts playing I don’t even begin to recognize
and Vladamir Kozlov comes out to stare Michaels down from his laughably weird nose. Michaels decides to punch him for no reason
and eats a spine buster. That went well.
Random Commercial Thought: Who would ever watch a movie about interviews with
Richard Nixon?
Back to the show where Jamie Noble is in the ring to say if he can last longer than 15 seconds tonight,
he thinks he will be able to go to Wrestlemania….via a ticket? His opponent is Mike Knox. Taking your bets now.
Jamie
Noble vs. Mike Knox
There’s a clock. Knox tosses Jamie around and Noble delivers a dropkick to the name and breaks
his record as he eats a huge kicks to the face and a test driver at the twenty nine second mark.
Winner: Knox
Hall
of Fame introduction and it’s the long overdue Ricky the Dragon Steamboat. Fuck yeah.
Random Commercial Thought:
Aliens look kind of brown and speak Spanish.
Back to the show where Ricky arrives to thank everyone for his induction.
Predictably, Jericho interrupts this speech. Mickey Rourke was robbed at the Oscars. I haven’t heard of hardly any of
those other films. Bull shit. Jericho calls Mickey a loser like the character he portrayed. He called Piper, Flair and Steamboat
all losers. I vote for a geriatric handicap match. Jericho mentions how pathetic it was when he was dragging a Komodo dragon
around and spitting fire. I have to agree, that was pretty freaking lame. Jericho mentions that Steamboat still works for
WWE to this day and that he is a lifelong sell out. Ricky tells him off as he tries to make sure and add as many dramatic
pauses as possible. I think somebody forgot to tell him the Oscars are over now. Steamboat gets thrown into the screen
wall because Ricky tells him he’ll never be a hall of famer.
Random Commercial Thought: You should always try
to steer your spaceship away from other space ships.
We return to nothing. The lights are off and completely dark in
the arena. We sit there in silence for a minute and go back to commercials!
Random Commercial Thought: AHAHAHHAAAA!
We
come back to Cole making excuses for the technical difficulties. Tard is waiting like a lap dog for Trips to arrive in the
parking lot before Cena comes to the ring. King tells us he is used to saying the Champ is here but can’t tonight. I
guess Edge went home then? Vickie comes out and tells him he doesn’t get a rematch tonight. Cena says he’ll be
on Smackdown, following her everywhere she goes until he gets his rematch. I win a bet as it turns out he’s facing Chavo.
Easy-sauce.
Chavo Guerrero vs. John Cena
Cena just runs Chavo over with a clothesline before dropping him right
on his head out of a protobomb. He lands the Five Knuckle Shuffle and the FUCKING ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT. Such a gay new name.
Cena locks on the STF and that’s that.
Winner: Chavo….jk lol kthxbai
In the back Orton leaves the locker
room. For some reason Legacy all changed into their trunks tonight despite none of them having matches. Orton reveals he has
brought sledgie with him. You traitor!
Random Commercial Thought: I drop sandwiches in corpses all the times.
Back
to the show where we hear AC DC made the new song for Wrestlemania….why? We also find Michaels will take on Vlad to
face Taker….making the match tonight pointless. Fan-fucking-tastic. Orton’s thighs look like giant bloated chicken
legs. Michaels Cole calls Stephanie as TRIPLE H’S HUSBAND. I fucking knew it. Orton starts talking. If you’d like
to replicate this experience, turn on every water faucet in your house on full blast and turn off all other sound. Orton says
everyone merely fantasizes about doing what he does….grinding against and laying on oiled up men? That is fucking sick.
Orton is interrupted by a shot of Triple H moving through the back with his own Sledgie. The other must be the NOW sledgie.
Orton asks him to hang on at the apron. I demand a hammer duel. Orton asks they both lose the hammers. They do. Fools.
Triple
H then produces a knife and stabs them all. Thy all proceed to bore the shit out of us by staring at each other. Triple H
literally pulls a hammer from his ass and poceeds to chase them all around the arena with it until they run to a locked door.
They shut themselves off in a side room that somehow camera men have gotten into and barricade the door with shit. Dibiase
tastes the hammer as Trips breaks in and Trips puts the hammer through a mirror. Dibiase recovers and he and Orton make another
break for it to the limo. Trips breaks some windows and throws the hammer at the car like a gun at Superman as they drive
away. Pointless. One last thing. The Rock calls himself “DJ” in an intro for his shitty Witch Mountain remake.
Wut?
Highlight of the Night: JBL and Shawn Michaels was a decent match, one of the few real matches.
Lowlight
of the Night: The Main Event…where was it?
WWE Creative Award: Is Orton going to use his Royal Rumble Win for
anything? Could we get some info on that sometime please?
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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