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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (February 2008)

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WWE RAW RANT: (02/04/08) By Cameron Burge

Before I go on to the rant, let me say that even though Law and Order has seasons beyond number and even though half the episodes are the same fucking thing, I want to know why the USA network runs the same episode about the paralyzed woman who was faking it over and over. In other news, moral outrage over Cena has probably been replaced by moral outrage over the superbowl. It never matters who win, no one is ever happy. It kind of makes you wonder why anyone would tune in to watch a sport that only constantly pisses them off.

Oh. Yeah.

Speaking of Law and Order, during it I got a preview of tonight's card as usual and I officially would like to kill myself. An arm wrestling match with Cena and Mark Henry and Hornswoggle joins the Kiss My Ass Club. WHY?! WHY did I know Vince couldn't stand to wait to show his fucking pasty white ass in HD. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Did Vinnie Sr molest him as a child while Greg Gagne watched? This just makes me want to cry.

Raw 02.04.08

Show opens with theme and pyro and JR and King mention the two previous "matches" before we go to the ring with red carpet and a desk.oh and Orton is there too if you care. Just what we need, more non-wrestling. God forbid I see any of that tonight. Orton talks about how this is a contract signing to make it so Cena can't back out if he fucks up his muscle again, even managing to get No Way Out into the promo as a sentence because that makes him clever and stuff. Actually though I'm not sure what all he said as I immediately fell into a daze from his robotic tones like he's the fucking T1000 and instead I watched this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5H0wUo37RY

That right there was your superbowl half time act. What the fuck is wrong with Tom Petty? Personally I believe this whole segment would be more entertaining with women playing violas with flamingos as well, but that's just me. Neither one of the two seems to be exceptionally hot with the male audience. Orton sits in the chair with his legs propped up as Cena comes along and shoves his legs down. They have a nice sit down chat, discuss politics and drink tea. At least, that's the way it would have happened in England. When did Orton get two attorneys? Who has attorneys draw up a contract for a fucking wrestling match? Cena signs and Orton goes on to talk about Cena's pecs. Pervert. Henry arrives to distract Cena so Orton flattens him with an RKO. King says it was delivered from behind. I'll let you form that mental image.

Random Commercial Thought: This DishDVR commercial has a fat guy impersonating Bush with bas English. It's semi-entertaining but would be funnier if he actually looked like the person he was trying to be just a little.

In the back, Tard asks why Orton and Henry set Cena up. Henry says something about ripping his arm off. Which might back wrestling difficult. Back to ringside for Kelly Kelly. My God. What did I do to deserve this show? Have I mortally offended Vince McMahon in some way? She's teaming up with Mickie who will try her best to make this tolerable I guess. Victoria and Beth are their opponents. There's two women I'd like to see wrestle, Beth and Victoria.

Kelly Squared & Mickie James vs. Victoria & Women's Champion Beth Phoenix

King freaks out over a Kelly Kelly backslide as if it was as amazing as Dennis Rodman's Arm drag. Victoria kicks out easily and starts slinging Klly around, stretching her by the hair and slamming her back down face first. Kelly flip out of the second hair pull and tags Mickie. Mickie socks Victoria in the jaw and head scissors to a huge pop from the crowd, glad to see Kelly gone. Mickie is HUGE over right now as she goes up top but Beth shakes the ropes to make her fall awkwardly. Mickie tries a roll up for two when Beth tags in. Mickie leaps onto Beth in a guillotine but Beth stays standing. The crowd pops for it though. Mickie and Beth crack head in the corner and Beth rushes for a tag. Victoria tackle Kelly to the floor, but Mickie comes from behind with a Dudley dog for the win.

Winners: Mickie & Kelly

A surprisingly good match. In the back Regal is telling Horny to be a member of the Kiss My Ass club because he's a member. Regal says he's not too good for it as he is suddenly cut off by commercials. No love for England.

Random Commercial Thought: It always bothers me that most of the good commercials from the super bowl rarely run again in full.

Back to the show where Shawn Michaels is here. Why does he wear that cowboy hat now? It hasn't been explained at all since he returned. Is he replacing Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain 2? Shawn tells us how close he came last year to winning the rumble, but he made it to the Main Event anyway, but still fell short. He says he cant stand second place and anyone who says they like second place is a liar. Fuck that. He counts off his career highlights including singing his own theme song and feels unsatisfied, putting everyone in the chamber on notice, friends, foes and Umaga wherever he falls (probably because he was stuffed in to take up a slot). Jericho interrupts. I love how his outfit gets progressively less and less gay. Not a sparkle one.

Chris goes on about how he doesn't have to explain his respect or how awesome their match at Wrestlemania 19 was. Jericho tells him he won't win the Chamber, there isn't a human being including hermaphrodites. He says he's been in more Chambers than anyone else. Three. Seriously? I don't even remember that. I also recall Nash was in one though, so that's not much of an accomplishment. Jericho is interrupted by Jeff Hardy who's music forgets to play despite the lights and cheers. Shawn looks really bored to be in the ring with these two guys. Probably annoyed that they are more over than him. Hardy says he thinks it's great they want to be back in the Main Event but he's never been personally and he can taste it he's so close. Jeff is interrupted by JBL. He has the courtesy to walk to the ring instead of drive. I love how he wrestled like one match, and got handed an opportunity to main event mania. Nothing odd about that. JBL says he's bought off Umaga who understands money better than English. That's just bullshit, Samoan's don't have money they still use small bits of string.

On cue, here's Umaga. Umaga turns on JBL and scares him into a corner for being too close when Snitsky appears and just looks at everyone before.getting a microphone. I wonder if it's his fault. Everyone chants for him to brush his teeth. Gene says he deserves to be in the match and plans to take a spot for himself. HBK says none of them can agree on anything except that Snitsky doesn't deserve anything but a dental hygienist. HBK punches him in the face and everyone starts to brawl. The faces gain the advantage and send the heels packing. I love how Triple H was too important to do this. Regal comes out and puts them in a six man tag tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Watch out for snakes.

Back to the show. Kennedy is here to crush Super Crazy. Poor Crazy. He must be insane to stay employed here. Haha, see what I did there?

Super Crazy vs. Mr. Kennedy

Crazy gets kicked in the knee by a low drop kick and Kennedy starts to work the leg over with knee drops and kicks. Crazy battles back with right, but Kennedy drop toes holds into an Indian Death Lock. Kennedy slams his knee into the ring post and just drags this match out way longer than it needs to be. Apparently this is all an allegory for Ric Flair.if her were a fat little Mexican. Crazy chant begins and Kennedy counters an Enziguiri into a weird version of the Figure Four.

Winner: Kennedy

Recap footage of MVP tearing into Flair as Kennedy commentates on his microphone. Why do they keep that thing up there? He says he'll give Flair an opportunity to forfeit to him next week on Raw and save himself. He says Flair will limp forever because of him as if he doesn't already from his lombago or however that's spelled.

Random Commercial Thought: What is with the dog show? Is it really that big of a deal that it has to replace a live show instead of just a bunch of syndicated bullshit?

Back to that dork from American Gladiators with his complete inability to pronounce names correctly. According to him they have to avoid each other in the chamber. I don't know how that helps them win. While he's talking the guy next to him in the crowd is trying desperately hard not to burst out laughing at him. At rings side Kndrick and London are back.

Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool & Santino Morella w/ Maria

Kendrick starts off with Carlito and kicks him in the head for a one count. Kendrick keeps the offense fast paced, but when he goes to bounce off the ropes again Santino lifts the ropes up and makes him bomb to the floor. London starts chasing Santino around the ring, but this distracts Kendrick enough to set him up for an Apple Jack. London doesn't even notice him getting pinned while going for Santino.

Winners: Santino & Carlito

In the back.Vince is um.getting an ass wax but in the more car sense. I can't believe they are buffing his ass. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I hate you Vince. I hate you so much. He mentions his ass is going to be in HD as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I'm thinking of running out for.a hour or so.

Back to the show where Vince arrives to talk about his ass and setting examples as a parent. Some guy in the crowd replies by asking where his pillow his. I hear you. Vince asks all the children to stand up ad be recognized. They are all wearing Cena and Batista shirts. Ha. He calls them all spoiled brats there's a HILARIOUS little kid quite indignified by this. He tells everyone to make their kids kiss his ass. I hope someone does and he gets sued for this. Please let it happen. Vince calls out Horny and gives him a regular speech. The guy with the pillow screams for his eyes now when Vince drops trousers. I love that guy. He demands Hornswoggle to kiss it. At least he's facing mostly away from all cameras. Eventually Finlay interrupts after this agonizingly long segment. Finlay looks pretty badass in all that black. He should wrestle in it instead of the gay leotard. The crowd is so dead it looks like the set up for a zombie movie. Vince reminds him he works for him so they both have to kiss his ass. Finlay holds Horny back from Vince. Hornswoggle finally moves in and takes a page from Sharkboy, biting him on the ass instead. Finlay and horny make a run for it up the aisle.

Well. I died a little inside. Vince gets pissed and makes a no DQ match between him and Hornswoggle where if Finlay interferes he'll be fired next week.

Random Commercial Thought: The Dukes of Hazard. So bad that the original cast didn't even come back for the shitty sequel.

Back to the show. 55 days to Mania. Yippie! Cody and Holly are set to take on Cade and Murdoch with this weird new set of outfits that makes them look gayer than ever. And that's pretty difficult.

Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly vs. Trevor Murdoch & Lance Cade (non-title Match)

Holly starts off with Murdoch and takes the advantage, hanging Murdoch on the top and stretching his legs back to kick him in the "lower abdomen" which isn't a low blow at all. Cade tags in and levels Holly for a two count. Cade gets in a Russian leg sweep for a double two count. Which would be a four count if you're good at math and a twenty two count if you aren't. Holly squirms away to tag in Cody and Murdoch is in as well. Cody gets a big bulldog in for two and lands a back body before attempting a suplex which Cade stops. Holly throws Cade to the floor and Cody changes that suplex into a DDT instead.

Winners: Holly & Rhodes

The victory is short lived when Carlito interrupts with Maria and Santino to say they are the new number one contenders. Of course, if Cryme Tyme taught us anything that means absolutely nothing. Santino says they have as much of a chance of keeping their belts as Maria does of being in playboy. A 100% chance?

Random Commercial Thought: I think if you tell a real hockey player that it's the same as poker he might check your ass into the wall.

Back to the show. The divas are on project runway. Let you know when I care. Oh my god and the Smackdown elimination chamber is bad. Just bad. To ringside for the six man tag. The faces enter but then it's already time for a commercial apparently. That was quick.

Random Commercial Thought: Do I really need to have HD force fed to me? So far the only thing I ever notice about it is that you can see imperfections if stuff that wasn't there before, and read video game text better.

Back to the show. Ah here we go.

Umaga & JBL & Snitsky vs. Chris Jericho & Shawn Michaels & Jeff Hardy

Umaga starts off with Michaels who tries to get a quick pin without even a one count. Shawn works the arm and tags in Jericho who immediately gets bitch slapped by the samoan. Snitsky tags in and starts stomping Jericho into the corner, but like he does VERY SINGLE FUCKING WEEK, he hangs himself up on the top rope with a running kick. I don't even know what he's planning to do that close to the rope kicking them anyway. Hardy tags in and Jericho assists with a poetry in motion. Snitsky powers back on Hardy and JBL tags in, slamming him into the corner for big rights. Snitsky tags back in but Hardy dodges him and tags in Michaels. Michaels lands the flying forearm and nips up into a clothesline from Snitsky. Snitsky is measuring him up (for a dress?) and misses the hanger banger yet again. Michaels trips him into that leg lock of his and Umaga comes in to crush him. Umaga charges Michaels at the ropes but Michaels ducks and sends him over. Jericho dropkicks Snitsky to the floor and JBL is sent out by hardy. All three men flying from the ring in three directions as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: It's not easy being green.

Back to the show where Jericho is cheap shotted by JBL and the heel gang up on him in the corner, but thankfully not in the Vivid Pictures way. HBK and Jeff help by completely distracting the ref like idiots. Thanks a lot guys. Umaga bear hugs Jericho who tries to fight out only to receive a Samoan Drop that JR actually reminds us "Came from the isle of Samoa." No shit?! Back to the bear hug. JBL tags in and drops elbow after elbow as if he forgot he's allowed to do other moves. This gets him a two count. Crowd rallies for Jericho who fights back and runs into a foot. Ouch. Two count. Snitsky is back in and decides to just bear hug as that's been working great..at boring me. Umaga tags back in and stomps Jericho down before going up top and missing a head butt. Did he learn nothing from that guy who doesn't exist?

Jericho launches an enziguiri which JR reminds us is a "head kick" thanks. Chris tags in Hardy and Snitsky is in as well. Hardy beats Snitsky down and lands a Whisper in the win when JBL run in and clubs him but Jericho jacks JBL's jaw with both knee. HBK super kick Umaga who spiked Jericho, but Snitsky hang bangers HBK. Hardy hits Snitsky with the Twist of Fate and a Swanton for the win.

Winners: Jericho, Hardy & HBK

Footage of Cena on his way from the back.

Random Commercial Thought: What's not funny is there is such a sad thing as a hand model.

Back to the show where we get a video package for Candice's return complete with her shitty theme in case you forgot how terrible it is. Lillian announces the "Arm Wrestling Contest" thankfully not calling it a match though she still introduces them like it's a match. Who cares about the fucking stats in Arm wrestling? We get a replay of Cena receiving an RKO earlier. They set up on the arm wrestling pads and Henry claims Cena's hand is oiled. MARK HENRY is accusing someone of having oil. The ref complains because Henry keeps making him check Cena's hand. Henry cheap shots Cena in the pec and then says he's ready. Cena makes hilarious faces as he is losing but, wait why am I recapping this? Anyway, suffice to say Cena almost wins but Henry cheats and Orton attacks from behind. Cena tries to FU Orton but he bails so he gives it to Henry instead.

Highlight of the night: The women's tag match was actually very good despite Kelly Kelly and being rather short.

Lowlight of the Night: Kiss My Ass Club in HD. Fucking hell.

WWE "Creative" Award: Arm wrestling match? How can Henry be the strongest man in the world if he can't even win a fucking arm wrestling match?

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 
WWE RAW RANT: (02/11/08) By Cameron Burge

When I turned on the TV I could have sworn WWE had duped me and tricked me into tuning into the 2008 Diva Search, much to my horror. It was only with a deep sigh of relief that I realized I’m actually seeing the Westminster Dog Show. What the fuck is wrong with these people? They seemingly dedicate their lives to raising these obnoxious, odorous little shit stains of animals, then proceed to parade them around on TV like they’ve accomplished something in life.

Can you tell I’m a cat person? On another note, tonight’s show while seemingly planned to have more wrestling on it, is basically only giving us the worst parts of last week’s show in match format. Oh joy. Cena and Henry, Vince and Horny! There’s two words that never need be uttered in the same sentence. I’m willing to take bets on whether or not we see Vince’s ass live again tonight. God knows they’ll probably rerun the flabby paleness a few more times tonight anyway, why not get another heaping helping of HD McMahon posterior?

Raw 02.11.08

As if God heard me complain, our show opens with Hornswoggle coming out for his match with Vince as a warning scroll along the bottom of the screen to tell us that the dog show is on MSNBC until this quite different showing off of anatomy. What is this anatomy called anyway? We have a disturbingly buff old man about to beat up on a grungy looking midget with a metro sexual hair cut.

Vince McMahon vs. Hornswoggle (No DQ Match)

Vince orders Hornswoggle to get in front of him as a weak “Horny” chant starts. And by chant I mean it was one guy. Vince tosses Hornswoggle across the ring out of the tie up. Back to it again and this time he shoves him down and does the Big Poppa Pump arm pump. JR reminds us where the dog show is, which is hilarious how they are trying to tell us to change the channel. I wish I could see the looks on the dog lovers faces as they pause between scarfing down biscuits to switch channels at the sight of an actual HUMAN. Vince offers Horny a free shot but he can’t do it before he suddenly gives him a slap in the face. Horny looks surprised at himself and drops to his knees to cry. Vince draws out a belt and Finlay arrives to run him off. Vince grabs a microphone and reminds Finlay of the consequences that he’s about to throw the lively hood for his family away. He tells Finlay to get out and starts to say he’s Fired and he backs off so he stops and tells him to leave. Vince calls Finlay a coward and tells Horny to get out of his sight, shoving him down. Finlay then walks up from behind and clubs Vince in the head with his stick before sending Horny up top for the Tadpole Splash and the three.

Winner: Hornswoggle

I hate you Vince. I hate you so much.

Random Commercial Thought: I was still in a daze after the shit that was just shoved down my throat forcibly.

Back to the show where Vince is being nursed in the back (and not from Stephanie’s oversized mammories, sorry guys). He tells Regal to draw up the dismissal papers so they can fire Finlay tonight. I don’t recall him ever needing to get papers to do this before. Off to ringside where JBL and Jericho are here to scrolling text of the dog show. By the way, did you guys know there’s a dog show tonight?! Huh?! Did you?!

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Chris Jericho

Tie up as these two decide to settle their differences not by beating the living shit out of one another but by casually forcing each other into corners back and forth. JBL finally breaks the tie up with a head butt as King calls it a thumb to the eye. JR corrects him which surprises King ad JR pretty much hammers it home that King miscalled this time. Jericho gets pissed and starts to brawl, beating JBL across the ring and to the floor. Jibble eats ring barricade and steel steps before being tossed back into the ring. Jericho kicks JBL in the side hard and takes a running kick at it before a running dropkick to the face levels John flat. Chris claws the face and bites before going for the Walls to a big pop. Jericho gets the hold on just as JBL makes the ropes.

JBL gets hung up on the top rope by his face and a baseball slide sends him from the apron to the floor. Back in the ring again. He’s like a Texan a yo-yo. Stiff chops in the corner. JR tells King that NOW it’s a thumb to the eye in another cheap shot. JBL kicks him in the face and starts stomping Jericho down but a back body drop is countered and Jericho follows through with a wheel kick. Jericho attempts the springboard dropkick with JBL on the apron but he leaps right into a kick to the face as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the fuck are the commercials so much louder on TV?

Back to the show where Jericho is being clotheslined over and over. Jericho fights back with a loud chop but is tossed into a sleeper hold. Jericho tries to rally but Jibble puts him on the rope turnbuckle for huge rights to leave him hanging. JBL tries a superplex but Jericho head butts him down and leaps off with a flying punch to the back of the head. There should be a drinking game for every time this dog show thing scrolls by. Jericho drags himself up and rallies, attacking JBL with flying forearms and the running enziguiri. A second turnbuckle dropkick picks up a two count. Jericho gets caught in an apparent fall away slam, but Jericho counters into a spinning DDT for two when JBL makes the ropes. Jericho runs into a foot. He’s got to stop doing that, it’s not like the foot is never not there. Jericho dodges a corner charge, making JBL ram his shoulder in and turn into the double knee to face for the three.

Winner: Jericho

Umaga arrives and delivers a spike to Jericho then one to JBL as well.

Random Commercial Thought: We Own the Night but We Sold the Day on eBay.

Back to the show and Mike Adamle. Does this guy download his voice from a voice simulator every morning? Mike introduces a video package of the history between Cena and Orton. After that we see Regal is excited in an almost sexual manner at telling Vince how he’s ready to have Finlay fired and kiss Vince’s ass. Vince says firing is too good because next week he’ll just be in a cage with Horny so Finlay has to watch. This gets as big of a pop as if he had said “We’ll be dueling inside Whoopi Goldberg’s vagina.”

Random Commercial Thought: WWE Reminds us there are no shortcuts to our goals. Unless you fuck the bosses daughter. That can get you an unending push. We guarantee it.

Back to the show Paul Birchill and Katie Lee….wait who? I miss the pirate. The pop here is nonexistent. Oh God don’t give her a fucking microphone. She’s supposedly his sister but that accent sounds like she stole it from the MALE members of Monty Python. He says he loves to make his little sister happy and gives her whatever she wants. Ew. Well at least Kendrick is over. But he comes alone (like a chronic masturbator).

Brian Kendrick vs. Paul Birchill w/ Katie Lee

They tie up and Birchill works the arm. Kendrick escapes the hammerlock with a backflip and wrenches the arm himself but Paul grabs the ropes to escape. This time we get a whole animated huge icon over a third of the screen for the dog show as JR tells us dogs rule (at waking me up). Kendrick takes Paul down again and escapes a hold with the ropes, but Paul takes a cheap shot in before choking him out on the ropes. Katie sneaks in to grab his head but Kendrick pushes her off. Paul smacks Kendrick in the face and gets a two. Chinlock ensues. Kendrick goes into kicks and a dropkick. A running flying forearm lands in the corner, but Birchill ducks a cross body. Birchill grabs Kendrick up on the ground by his arms and then stomps him down face first before finishing with a Test Driver.

Winner: Birchill

Random Commercial Thought: Devils don’t cry. Fucking emos.

Back to the show where we get a replay of the arm wrestling match last week because apparently seeing it once just wasn’t enough punishment for us. Orton comes to ringside for commentating on the Cena/Henry match. What the fuck is Henry even doing on this show? Trade him back! Good God please trade him back. I’ll take Jamie Noble over this. Oddly enough though Orton does commentate on Cena being Superman, but he still didn’t bring any kryptonite with him. Maybe that’s why he shaved his head though. He’s hoping if he channels Lex Luthor (and not Luger) he might be able to find the fucking MOUNTAIN of Kryptonite he mysteriously acquired in Superman Returns. Orton and Cena star at each other from the ring and ringside.

John Cena vs. Mark Henry

Cena gets tossed right down out of the tie up and Henry catches him, delivering a power slam. We apparently need a recap of the first move of the match. Wow. Are wrestling fans’ memories really that bad? Henry starts chest slapping in the corner because apparently one of the sections in the World’s Strongest Man competition is sissy slapping techniques. Cena eats turnbuckle hard and collapses. Henry exposes the top turnbuckle and turns to find Cena fighting back only to be beat down by one shot. (Master)full Nelson is locked in. Henry breaks the hold himself with a punch to the back of the head. DOG SHOW ON MSNBC. Henry charges Cena in the corner and Cena dodges, making Henry run into the exposed turnbuckle face first. Cena leaps off the top with a shoulder block and locks on the STFU for the win.

Winner: Cena

Cena comes down to ringside to stare Orton down. Orton refuses to make eye contact (that’s how they steal your soul). Cena tells him he’s a hundred percent and that the plan didn’t work because he’s stronger than he has ever been. He says he’s more focused because for once he’s not the champion in this situation. He manages to pimp the PPV title and celebrates.

Random Commercial Thought: Popeye’s serves chicken and surprisingly not spinach or corn cob pipes.

Back to the show. The Wrestlemania theme is just terrible. There’s no excuse for some of the musical choices they have these days. Sign Guy is here apparently with a proper use for duct tape sign. Does he own any other shirts? Some chick made a giant sparkly heart with Cena in silver through the middle of it. Kennedy is out to demand his answer from Slick Ric. Flair hobbles up the stairs and that’s not an exaggeration. There has to be the longest WOOOOOOOO sign I’ve ever seen in the audience which also has at least twenty Os and as many exclamation points. Flair says they aren’t in the same page. He’s a speed reader. He says before Kennedy was born and Kennedy calls it crap. Flair says he used to work twice on weekend days and once every other day so guys like Ken could work just a hundred days a year and get by. Kennedy says Ric must not know what’s good for him for not quitting now. Flair sounds like he’s phoning this in from fucking Canada. Flair repeats the answer as being no. He says the answer is no because he’s been the World Champion sixteen times and Kennedy has to respect it because he just wants to be that once. He wakes up further into the promo at least. Flair declares he will live to fight another day and they stare down before Kennedy backs down only to dropkick his knee out. Kennedy taunts him with a strut before leaving.

Random Commercial Thought: The Clampets had a computer?

Back to the show. Melina and Jillian’s BASKETBALLS (Batista: “WHAT?!”), I mean, breasts…I mean Jillian Hall are here. Melina ia set to take on Maria who drags Santino with her.

Melina w/ Jillian Hall vs. Maria w/ Santino Morella

Melina pulls Maria down by the hair who tries to nip up but he leg buckles as she does. The handstand kick to the face from Maria who gets nails in the gut which for some reason shoes her ass through the ropes. Melina props her up in the corner across the ropes and stomps her down to the ground but Maria manages a rollup for one. Can I just say that seriously Maria gets fucking uglier every time I see her. They are trying way too fucking hard. Maria starts to fight back out of an octopus stretch. A shitty flying clothesline from Maria and a corner charge butt bump. Gutbuster from Maria but Melina kicks her in the jaw. Melina goes up top and Maria shoves her off, flattening Melina with a bulldog. Jillian grabs a microphone and screams before making out with Santino. Maria gets pissed and screams at her so Melina rolls her up for three.

Winner: Melina

Santino comes in the ring and tells her that happened because of the playboy curse (Catch the innuendo in that sentence?). He lists off Candice and Torrie as Injured and ignores the one who got fired. He then says Ashley is ugly with those things in her lip. He tells her to choose between him or Playboy as two virgins on the front row chant Playboy. Jesus, you could all save yourselves the money and get photoshop. Santino makes out with her and leaves.

Random Commercial Thought: Fuck you Jarrod.

We come back to Cena teaching race car drivers how to wrestle including do the stunner. Apparently they will all have the ability now to perform the same five moves in sequential order. We then get a full run down of this Sunday’s card before going right back into commercial. Oh joy.

Random Commercial Thought: I think Mario should be tested for steroids.

Back to the show. Candice return video which oddly does not feature her wrestling at all but does depict her pumping a squirt gun. Huh. Shawn Michaels and Hardy are here. Jeff looks drunk. Oh look a pretty gold prop around his waist. I wish I had one of those. JR and King try their best to remind us Triple H isn’t dead and didn’t hang himself from his bowflex. But if I’m to believe his rehab video he hasn’t used that thing since his first quad injury.

Shawn Michaels vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Non-title Match)

Michaels tries to end it early but Hardy gets two off a backslide. Hardy sends Michaels to the floor and launches over the ropes at him but Michaels dodges. Hardy lands on his feet and Michaels bitchslaps him. Hardy slaps him right back and the crowd rallies behind Hardy. Back in the ring Hardy lands a swift headlock take over. Michaels fights out of the headlock and levels Hardy with a reverse elbow. Hardy crushes Michaels into the corner and Hardy goes up top with him but Michaels counters into a cross body for two. Hardy rolls over into two of his own and goes to a headlock. Michaels tries to toss him over the ropes but Hardy skins the cat only to clobbered with a clothesline. Hardy does some kind of weird atomic drop to Michaels where he drops him balls first onto his own head…..oookaaaay. Hardy with the mule kick that sends Michaels to the floor. Hardy runs the railing and Michaels counters into a power slam as some little kid screams for Michaels to hurry and get his ass up.

Random Commercial Thought: DOG SHOW.

Back to the show where Michaels is working the back and slams Hardy back first into the turnbuckles. Michaels picks up a two count. Michaels starts dropping knees into the lower back and modifies a bow and arrow lock. Ouch it appears Hardy is bleeding out of his nose and his lip ring here. Hardy escapes with slamming elbows to sling Michaels off. Hardy battles but a neck breaker from Michaels picks up two when he tries a back drop. Michaels goes up top for the elbow, but Jeff gets the feet up but Michaels scouts it, dropping into a half Boston crab instead.

Hardy makes the ropes. As Hardy battles back again JR channels Heroes of Wrestling and declares his next move to be a “head kick to the back of the head”. Michaels is sent shoulder first into the ring post. Michaels is sent back into the corner landing across the top. Hardy kicks him into a sitting position and goes up top but Michaels shoves him down. Elbow misses and Hardy picks up two. Both men up and Hardy with a clothesline and shoving Michaels into the corner for a slingshot dropkick to the sternum. Another two. Whisper in the Wind get another two. The crowd is starting to really get behind Hardy at this point.

Hardy rallies the crowd and tries a Twist of Fate but Shawn spins out into a jaw buster. Flying forearm from Michaels as we finally get the final spot these two hadn’t yet done tonight with a nip up. Standard Michaels offense with the scoop slam and up top and he drops the elbow. The band tunes up as the crowd is going nuts right here. Hardy ducks the kick and into the Twist, but Michaels counters that into his leg lock. Hardy starts dragging himself to the ropes and makes it. Michaels tries to grab his legs but Hardy keeps kicking him off. Sweet Chin Music is blocked and Hardy with the Twist of Fate and Swanton for the three.

Winner: Hardy

Crowd explosion. Amazing main event. JR declares Hardy the hottest superstar in the WWE. Michaels looks upset in the ring while Hardy celebrates on the ramp and we go off the air.

Highlight of the Night: The Main Event was the best match of the last several weeks, hands down. Great to see Hardy’s push hasn’t been entirely aborted yet as well.

Lowlight of the Night: Oh God, somebody get Maria out of the god damned ring. When is the WWE going to realize posing in playboy does not give you the magic ability to wrestle?

WWE “Creative” Award: Horny/McMahon in a cage. Just what I need. I bet this will take this spot next week

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 

WWE RAW RANT: (02/18/08) By Cameron Burge

Ah, things are back to normal it seems. No Way Out will probably go down as the single most predictable PPV of the year. Sean breezed through on his bet and will have yet another venerable year of slacking off around here at the good old TWF. In other news Big Show was beaten down by a man half his size in the Welterweight boxing champ who plans to come to Raw tonight, because we totally care. Totally. As if that weren’t enough to keep you all on the edge of your seats, it will be Vince McMahon vs. his own bastard son in a UNFORGIVING STEEL CAGE. Nothing says Entertainment like old man taking on a midget in a cage…..sounds like the beginning of a really bad gay porno.

Raw 02.18.07

Show opens with nothing but Trips who decided to grace us with his biker gear today it seems. Is he trying out for the part of the next Terminator in T4? According to JR, Satan has nothing better to do than create elaborate steel deathtraps for wrestlers to beat the shit out of each other. I love how Raw is presented to us by WWEHD now as if that’s a real company. He tells us the game is back where he belongs in the Main Event because he doesn’t fuck that sad sack of a woman for nothing. He declares himself a twelve time champion at Mania though I think he’s forgetting to count his double burial of Umaga and Orton last year for a two hour reign. Orton comes out as King says Orton lost a lot of respect last night as if anyone ever cared about him to begin with. In other news this lemon head I am eating seems to have an unborn twin attached to it. Orton says he’s come full circle back to Trips again. He says Trips has always been jealous. Jealous of him and his mighty headlocks and lugey spitting prowess. Orton says he’s beaten all the rest when Cena’s music hits.

Cena currently gets a bigger pop than either one which is kind of ironic if you think about it. Have I mentioned how much I love this new Nintendo shirt? Classic shit. He needs to get R.O.B. in that fucking ring now as his tag team partner and I can die and go to nerd heaven. Why does Orton always stick his nose and chin up? Is he looking at Owen Hart in the rafters or does her smell the shitty booking in the air? Cena calls Orton the only champion to lose his way into Wrestlemania and proposes a rematch tonight. He calls Orton Captain No Nuts. Hunter just stands by and chuckles to himself as the two guys he plans to mercilessly bury duke it out verbally. Trips says he doesn’t care which one is champion at Mania and beat them no matter which it is. Regal decides to interuppt all this with his music that seems best suited to the theme for The Punisher (not Test).

Regal says Orton’s actions don’t reflect well on Raw or him, or the booking team for that matter. He makes the match tonight a non-title match with Cena trying to win his way into a Triple Threat match. Trips is pissed that he can’t have just a one on one match. Regal declares Trips the special guest referee for the match tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: House the only show with that word in the title that isn’t actually about a house.

Back to the show where we get a replay for the fiftieth time of Big Show getting his nose broken by a tiny little black man. Jeff Hardy is here for a money in the bank match with um….new music…..and it sucks. It sucks hard. I actually saw some members of the crowd getting physically pulled from their seats towards the sound speakers. Apparently the band is here, EndeavorAfter. Snitsky will be his opponent. Well thank God he isn’t going to win. Snitsky looks depressed Maybe somebody brushed his teeth.

They point out that every winner of the MitB match has gone on to win the title with their shot but they seem to be completely ignoring Kennedy ever won.

Jeff Hardy vs. Gene Snitsky (Money in the Bank Qualifier)

Hardy starts off fast but is limping around in pain. He lands the slingshot dropkick to the sternum, but flails around holding his back before going up top. Snitsky trips him up on the top turnbuckle and boots Hardy down to the floor with a running kick as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: On Soviet Russia, potato bakes you.

Back to the show and a bear hug, oooh the gripping excitement! Snitsky keeps slinging Hardy around, bending him around the ropes and such. He should probably throw the nearly prone Hardy to the floor for the countout but goes for elbow drops and a two count. King says Hardy refused to lose last night, that is of course until Triple H started shoveling the dirt in real good. Hardy tries to fight out of a front headlock but Snitsky counters with a scoop slam. Hardy dodges a leg drop because Snitsky is far too pale to drop one. Hardy assault with a few forearms and a cross body for two. Whisper in the wind bomb entirely but Snitsky sells it anyway for two. The crowd is utterly dead right now. Snitsky counter the Twist of Fate with a Hanger Banger for two. Coat Hanger Slam is countered into the Twist of Fate and Hardy goes up top to the Swanton for three.

Winner: Hardy

We get to decide via texting if Maria should pose for playboy. That’s right, you too can pay to vote for something that is predetermined to happen. Yeah….more footage of Show being completely humiliated last night. Rey and Maywether are in the back talking as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I totally silenced the TV and watched music videos.

Encore presentation of the most predictable show of the year, whoohoo. On to ringside with Mike Adamle introducing Shawn Michaels who I’m beginning to wonder if he even dresses himself anymore. What the fuck is with this horrible outfit? Shawn says you can’t have Wrestlemania without the hall of fame and introduces a hall of famer in Ric Flair, but first a video about his career. Who does the voice over for these things, James Earl Jones? I didn’t really pay much attention to what Shawn says after that but we cut to pimping for the main event and go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What is wrong with America’s movies?

Back to the show where we have Burchill and Katie Lea. Crazy has to be introduced after the fact. Paul says they used to garner a lot of attention and he notices all the attention she gets. She says they have good genes. I have good jeans too. I wear them too often though.

Paul Birchill w/ Katie Lea & Moral Issues vs. Super Crazy

Crazy chops Burchill into a corner and tries a head scissor in the corner but Burchill pulls him off into a kick to the gut in mid air sending him flying. Paul’s a pirate chant starts as JR and King fall silent, probably trying to decide whether to acknowledge it or not. JR tries to step lightly around the FUCKING INCEST in the brother/sister “tandem”. Burchill stops crazy’s build in momentum again with a shoulder bock to the gut. He clotheslines him and curb stomps for the three. I miss the pirate.

Winner: Burchill

Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck, Mae Young in a Wrestlemania commercial. Kill me.

Back to the show. Orton is in the back trying to convince Trips that he doesn’t want to have to wrestle Cena since the last time he was in the Main Event with him, Cena made him tap out. Trips tells him he taught Orton how to play mind game, he apparently doesn’t remember getting Brain Age for Christmas from him last year. True Story. Trips says he’ll be calling it his way and tells Orton to bugger off. JR recaps what went down between Show and tiny black man, whatever his name is. I love how he runs away like a pussy after punching Show a bunch. Ah there’s some music I’m glad to hear again, my hometown boy, The Big Show is here. Crowd doesn’t seem to give a shit. Fuck those guys. Show says he was asked to come out and apologize. He says he knew what he was doing and might have been overzealous. He says Mr. Welterweight Champ was the one who went too far, but he intends to apologize anyway. God, this guy looks like he was ripped right out of Rocky Balboa. Maywether gets on the mic and I suddenly wish they hadn’t. Seriously. He says he had to retaliate whenever someone calls him out. Show says he was trying to publicity to show their size difference. Show says he’s sorry and gets booed for it. Maywether rubs his face like a fucking crack addict before shaking his hand briefly. He then runs away scared and Show looks annoyed in the ring.

Show stops them in mid strut up the aisle before saying that he has something to get off his chest. Hair. Just like he did from his head. He tells him to understand the only way he could hurt him was on his knees and even when on his knees he’s still bigger and if he wanted to he could take him out in two minutes, to a nice restaurant. Maybe Applebee’s. He says he’s letting him walk from his ring while the posse holds the 6-time champ back. He demands a one on one match. He finally breaks away and gets back in the ring getting booed to all hell and back. I love these people again. He takes his dear sweat fucking time to say he accepts before scaring Show with a fake out punch that makes him flinch. Show smirks as he leaves.

Random Commercial Thought: I need a magical amount of weed.

Back to the show. I have to say Ashley does not deserve to be in any Wrestlemania slide show. Ever. JR and King wonder what type of match Show will have before recapping MitB again for the next qualifier.

Kennedy will be taking on Val Venis in this match. Poor guy. Wow, Val has a huge bald spot. There seems to be one guy echoing Kennedy over and over in the audience.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Val Venis (Money in the Bank Qualifier)

Val is smashed into the corner and Kennedy works the arm viciously, slamming it over and over again. Many arm bars and hammerlocks abound as Kennedy trash talks him ad continues to punch him in the shoulder. Val finally breaks free and tries a clothesline, but Kennedy catches him right in the Mic Check to make all that arm working completely pointless.

Winner: Kennedy

Kennedy points at the Wrestlemania logo because no one has done that. Nope. In fact he decides to point at it several times to be different. The cage begins to lower for your bathroom break match as we get a pimping video for the Austin DVD and go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: My statistics teacher has yet to realize all the answers are in the book.

Back to the show. Replay of Finlay assisting Horny last week before we go to cage side for Vince already locked inside. Finlay escorts Hornswoggle into the cage and comes in to show down with Vince. He says this is wrong before the ref kicks him out. You’re telling me. JBL comes out of nowhere and shuts the cage door on Finlay from behind, slamming him into the cage and handcuffing Finlay to the ropes. The fuck? Has the match even started? Vince removes his belt and spanks Hornswoggle with it once, stalking him around the ring. Finlay tries to kick at him, but Vince slaps hi with the belt then whips Horny with it some more. Kinky. They should be charging 80 year old Japanese men by the hour to watch this. JBL comes and chokes Horny out in front of Finlay while he screams like a like a little piggy. Horny eats cage and JBL continues to beat him down while Finlay begs. God this is terrible. Jericho chant tries to start while JBL drops him some elbows. Did Vince just leave? Even he’s too good for this shit? Ha ha midget in a fall away slam into the cage. Oh there’s Vince, he’s outside the cage. I guess if this were actually a match he’d have won by escaping. There’s actually a small JBL chant going for this. Vince tells him that was enough and calls help to come get him. He says he’s sorry. You sure are. Someone forgot to the tell the EMT that medical technicians don’t wear huge expensive watches over their medical gloves.

Random Commercial Thought: Where’s the beef?

Back to the show now with 100% more Owen Hart voices and replays of midget beatings. During the break Finlay carried the broken Hornswoggle to the back like he was the slain Jesus Christ. JR and King talk about this in way too serious so here is Morella to cheer us up some with superskank. King says he texted his vote thirteen times and 94 percent of the people voted for her to not pose in Playboy. Santino says he has great news because Maria will pose in Playboy. He has a contract for her and tonight Maria will be in action against Beth Phoenix with hi in her corner. What’s with all the fucked up clothing. Maria looks confused. Aw….I quit caring.

Morella says he just found on the small print that the contract says she can only pose for Playboy if she beats Beth.

Maria w/ Santino Morella vs. Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix (Non-title Match)

Maria swings at her and gets punched in the gut and rammed into the corner hard. Does Maria ever fucking eat? She’s starting to make the Olsen twins look fat. Beth slams her to the ground and kicks her in the head, bending Maria around the ropes by her hair and picking up a two count. Beth slaps her in the face and lands a backbreaker. Maria fights back with rights and bounces off the ropes into a big power slam. Two for Beth again. This match is terrible. Maria tries to fight out as Candice arrives at ringside. Maria slips out of a slam and rolls Beth up for three.

Winner: Maria

Footage of Trips in the back getting ready for his referee gig in deciding if he feels like squashing one guy or two this year.

Random Commercial Thought: Satan can teach you to play guitar.

Back to the show. Do I really have to sit through Trips’ full entrance AGAIN tonight? Jeez. All entrances combined this takes about ten minutes, no lie. Would have taken longer but Cena takes mercy upon us and runs to the ring.

John Cena vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton (Non-title Match. Special Ref: Triple H)

Tie up and nothing happens. Eventually Cena forces Orton to the corner and misses a corner charge into the opposite corner. Orton starts pounding him down (haha gay innuendo!) and Trips doesn’t seem to care much about closed fists. Cena fights back and runs into a dropkick. JR calls it a move of beauty. Pervert. Cena eats announcer desk when he’s throws from the apron by a corner charge. Trips starts to count him out as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: We both know it doesn’t matter who wins, they’re getting a pedigree.

Back to the show with Cena getting beat down in the corner but he catches Orton with a foot and a scoop slam, dropping an elbow for two. Orton tries to run away into the crowd now but Cena grabs him and slams him into the announce table. Orton is tossed into the ring and catches Cena on the way in for the middle rope DDT and a two count. Orton sizes him up as RKO chants begin. Cena fights back Orton hit’s a sloppy, horribly shitty power slam. It looked like a diva power slam. From Ashley. Stalking stomps. Now we got Randy Sucks chants. Knee drop to the head picks up two. Oh shit, headlock! Look out Cena!

Cena escapes with a back body drop, but Orton drop toe holds him into the corner and Orton rolls him up for two. Some kind of mixed chant I can’t understand begins. Orton and Cena begin to brawl in the middle of the ring and general Cena offense follows with the proteome into the Five Knuckle Shuffle, quick put in the right combo on the controller. Orton escapes the FU by grabbing the ropes, sliding the apron and jaw jacking Cena on the top rope. Cena rolls to the apron and Orton charges, but is sent flying over to the floor. Orton sends Cena into the steps as Trips counts like an old man at the bank speed wise. Orton snakes his way along the mat to prepare for the RKO. When was the last time an RKO worked when performed this way. Orton is tossed off and bounces off the ropes into the STFU in the center of the ring. Orton crawls with Cena riding him like it’s Brokeback Mountain but he makes the ropes and Cena breaks the hold before five to argue with Trips.

They get in each others face when Orton suddenly charges. Cena sidesteps and scoops him into the FU for the win right there.

Winner: Cena

Cena is then immediately pedigreed. Told you. Trips takes the belt and stalks over them both with it, wishing he had brought his shovel I bet. I heard Umaga is still trying to claw his way out this very moment. Orton stumbles up by use of the ropes and Trips grabs him into a pedigree as well.

Highlight of the Night: Big Show is back and even if it is for a crappy storyline, I can’t help being overjoyed to see my hometown boy back.

Lowlight of the Night: Plenty of bullshit to pick from. I’ll give it to Maria wrestling Beth Phoenix for a complete and utter lack of entertainment.

WWE “Creative” Award: Midget in a cage. Nothing further.

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


 

WWE RAW RANT: (02/25/08) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the Best Damn Raw Rant Period. Tonight, we continue the story of Big Show vs. the man from the sport no one has cared about since Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Now there’s someone who was too small to Main Event, Lil Mac. I’m not sure where I was going with that, but fuck you guys I’ll ramble if I want to. So we continue along the path toward Wrestlemania tonight with Triple H scooping shovelfuls of fresh dirt onto everyone in his path as he happily skips back into the Main Event much to Sean Carless’ joy/chagrin depending on how you look at it. Let’s get this show on the road, hopefully it will be minus midgets thanks to JBL.

Raw 02.25.08

Show open with a recap of last week’s main Event and we go straight to ringside with Regal introducing all three men in the red carpet ring. Regal wants them to pose for a photo-op because we need some pointless bullshit to fill time I guess. He then gives Cena the microphone so they can all say something about the match. Cena says he has a problem. He has AIDS. Oh wait, that’s not it. He says you say something to his face if you have a problem, getting up in Trips’ face to complain about the pedigree while Jeff Hardy says “No kidding man!” from somewhere in the back. Trips says a lot of the people might not have appreciated the pedigree, but a lot did. He gets a bigger pop of agreement on the latter. Cena points out that he made Trips tap out and didn’t eat the pedigree last time. Orton looks bored. Orton tries to steal Cena’s Champ is Here line but he manages to make it sound like the Terminator is saying it. He says there’s not a thing either of them can do about it so Trips and Cena beat the shit out of him and toss him to the floor before brawling themselves. Cena is knocked down before Orton returns to the ring with a series of RKOs on them both.

Random Commercial Thought: Do Auto-glass Repairmen have any real reason to be singing anyway?

Back to the show. Kennedy confronts Orton in the back to let him know that when he wins the MitB he will go on to challenge the winner of the triple threat right after the match, saying Orton loses no matter what. Robo-Orton replies in kind and we go to ringside with Morella and crew. Maria now has a playboy bunny on her outfit. I’m officially sick of her body. I don’t think I can even bother to masturbate to it now….maybe a little.

World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly vs. Santino Morella & Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Maria (Non-title Match)

Cody and Santino start off. What is with the Italian Mohawk? Cody scoop slams and drops a rolling elbow, whipping Santino into the corner for a beat down. Santino is tossed around and whips Cody into Carlito on the apron, sending him to the floor, but it at least distracts Cody so Santino capitalizes with kicks and an arm drag. Carlito tags in and beats Cody down for a two count then does so once again before following with a chin lock. Carlito keeps the pressure on picking up another two count before tagging in Santino who seems to have yet to discover the power of mushrooms. Santino gets owned immediately again and tags back out as Holly tags in. Holly scores a big back body drop and kicks Carlito low. This match has not been commentated on at all as King is stalking Maria practically literally. Santino is going up top to finish Holly when he sees King with Maria and Holly tosses him off for an Alabama Slam and the three. Winners: Holly & Rhodes

Maria and Santino argue and give King dirty looks for being a perv no doubt.

Random Commercial Thought: Dew needs to get the fuck out of pop culture.

Back to the show. Replay of Floyd Mayweather, that guy that will bring about as much buys as a raw lemon in rolling around the ring. Hopefully they can push this storyline in an a manner that doesn’t suck…..yeah, right. In the back, Regal is blabbering on about making Kennedy and Orton against Cena and Trips, while I half pay attention until he meets up with Jericho and tells him to take on Jeff Hardy next in order to qualify for the MitB match. Jericho mocks his stripes and suddenly we go back to commercial again. I’m glad I’m getting to see so much action tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Loser says what.

Back to the show where Hardy is here to a big pop and Jericho is out to a significantly smaller one.

Chris Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy (MitB Qualifier Match)

Jericho and Hardy fight over arm wrenches and Jericho escapes to shoulder blocks. Jericho counters an arm drag with a roll up for two then tosses Hardy to the apron and socks him in the face. Springboard dropkick misses and Hardy is up top for a flying sloppy cross body, but Jericho rolls through for two. Jericho drops Hardy and an elbow and pick up another two. Both men spill to the floor and end up back in the ring, staring down as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Nothing is unbeatable so long as you fuck the boss’ daughter…er, I mean try hard. Yeah. That’s it.

Back to the show where Hardy is in some rest hold I can’t be bothered to remember the name of. Jericho takes his time because he’s probably trying to think of a move to do that Hardy won’t horribly botch. Ha! Jericho misses a clothesline and both men try a cross body like idiots to knock balls. Jeff Hardy tries to rally and completely gets racked on the top turnbuckle when he tries for a Whisper in the Wind. Jericho tosses him down and locks on the Walls, but Hardy quickly makes the ropes after a few moments in the center of the ring. Jericho starts to work the mat and Hardy misses a kick because Jericho ran away to the ropes. He hits it the second time and lands a suplex before going up top. Jericho dodges the Swanton, but still can’t get a pin. Hardy rolls him up for two and Jericho tries an enziguiri. Hardy ducks and rolling pin attempts ensue with Jericho picking up the three.

Winner: Jericho

Elsewhere in the back, Vince is primping his eyebrows (fag) for an apology for last week. I hope he plans to apologize for how fucking TERRIBLE the show was.

Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck is even going on in ECW anymore? I don’t even know.

Back to the show. God these Wrestlemania themes suck balls. Vince says he apologizes for last week, saying he was wrong to let what happened, happen. He calls out JBL who at least doesn’t make his slow entrance this time and tells him he was supposed to only keep Finlay in check so he could deliver tough love and demands an apology from JBL. Jibble thinks about it before apologizing. JBL says he’s sorry he didn’t do it sooner before revealing to us all that Horny is actually Finlay’s son and not Vince’s. What the fuck is this extra gayness? Vince says it makes sense but he’s not sure if he believes it. JBL says Finlay has always known and he will prove it to Vince. He says next time Finlay is in the ring he’ll make him admit it and stalks off.

Random Commercial Thought: Arctic Vampires. I don’t think I need to say anything else.

Back to the show. It’s Umaga in HD! Now you too can see the fine detailing on his oiled fat….yeah. Oh look it’s D.H. Smith. Time to pay the job piper for your mess ups.

Umaga vs. D.H. Smith

Umaga bitchslaps him right out to the floor. Umaga follows and beats smith around, slinging him back into the ring for a top rope body splash. Ass Crash ahoy and the Samoan Spike pick up the three count. Winner: Umaga

Would you believe I typed out the second half of that match before it happened? In the back Burchill and is bitch, er, sister are talking to Regal about Umaga. Regal says Vickie challenged him to send a Raw superstar against one of her Smackdown stars. He says he’ll send Umaga but Katie says he should send a fellow brit in Burchill. Paul literally pimps Katie out to him before they go saying they’d be happy to come back. God I hate you Vince.

Random Commercial Thought: From the Director of the shitty Descent comes an equally shitty movie about the end of the world. Oh yay.

Back to the show with footage of Shawn introducing Flair as the first member of Class of 2008. Lance Cade is in the ring, here to lose to Michaels. Gotta love my optimism.

Lance Cade w/ Trevor Murdoch vs. Shawn Michaels

Cade catches Michaels in the back of the head with an elbow and a back body drops nabs him two. Shawn comes back with a backslide for two, but a neck breaker shts him back down. Cade picks up a two count and starts to work the neck with an Orton lock. This match is so important that they are talking about Maywether and Big Show. Cade is still beating Shawn around the ring but finally runs into a foot. Cade gets shopped around and delivers a Rock Bottom to Michaels before going up top. Cade bombs his elbow drop and Michaels nails his own. Michaels tunes up the band and ducks a clothesline from Murdoch, knocking him to the floor. Michaels instead locks his crazy leglock on Cade. Murdoch attacks him to end the match.

Winner: Michaels

Murdoch and Cade beat Michaels down and set up the Hi-Lo but Shawn counters and delivers some Sweet Chin Music to the both. Flair’s music plays and he comes to the ring as Michaels drops to his knees and bows. No false idols Shawn! Blasphemer. Flair, or at least the crocodile skin mannequin of Flair, says he was honored to be introduced by Shawn as the first active wrestler to ever be inducted into the Hall of Fame. He says it’s the highlight of his career. He says there is only one thing that could make his career even bigger, that’s to wrestle Mr. Wrestlemania himself at the biggest show of them all. Shawn reminds him of his retirement stipulations. He doesn’t want to be the guy who ended Ric Flair’s career. Ric wants to know why it’s a given he will lose if they wrestle. He says the respect means nothing if he can’t have the opportunity to have the greatest match of his career on the grandest stage of all. I don’t think that’s going to happen unless he hit’s a fucking wormhole in mid-match and warps back twenty five years. Shawn finally accepts.

King manages to connect this to Shaq who was asked about Big Show vs. Mayweather. He thinks Floyd will break Show’s nose again. Should Shaq be analyzing anything ever? What does he know about fighting? Shaq Fu? That game sucked.

Random Commercial Thought: Is there a license to conceal a yo-yo?

Back to the show. Mike Adamle is here to introduce the next inductee. Why has no one killed this guy yet? It’s The Rock’s granddaddy. Wow, he wrestled EXACTLY like Umaga does today. The second inductee is Rocky Johnson, The Rock’s daddy. They will be inducted by The Rock which was basically the only way they could get the Rock to appear on WWE television again short of blindfolding and gagging him and dragging him back kicking and screaming.

We now have Candice and Maria teaming up against Melina and Phoenix at Mania. Bathroom break match. We then have a video package about Maria’s photo shoot. I like how all the playboy employees are pervy old guys.

Random Commercial Thought: Note to self. Do not wrestle bear.

Back to the show. Kennedy arrives first and Orton looks less than pleased on his way out to be teaming with Kennedy. Probably because Kennedy keeps injuring people and losing. Trips takes his time as usual and Cena takes just as long.

John Cena & Triple H vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton & Mr. Kennedy

Everyone brawls and the heels dive out as Cena and Trips get into each others’ faces as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I need to get me some minstrels.

Back to the show where Cena is pinning Kennedy for being useless, but only gets two. Trips tags in and Kennedy stumbles around aimlessly, eating rights from Trips in the corner. Kennedy nails a reverse elbow in the corner and fights back. He manages to run himself into a spine buster and Trips comes over to stair Cena in the eyes before they tag each other. Cena pounds Kennedy into the corner and slaps Trips in the chest to tag him back in. Trips gives him a DX suck it and gets nailed in the knee from behind by Kennedy. Orton in to stomp on the knee. Orton eventually tags back out to Kennedy who hooks Trips’ leg over the rope to kick it more. I love how wrestling psychology works. You pound on an injured limb that has nothing to do with your finisher for fifteen minutes and then you pick up the three with your finisher out of nowhere after a quick exchange of counters, thus negating the entire match. Kennedy follows through with a running kick to the face and picks up another two.

Orton back in with an Orton lock. Trips tries to fight out but Orton knocks him down and Cena complains to the ref, Orton helping distract while Kennedy works trips over on the apron. Orton uses the middle rope DDT for another two count, tagging out to Kennedy. More stomping. Kennedy finally runs into a foot and the tag to Orton is made to stop Trips from making the tag. Inverted backbreaker and Orton sets up for the RKO, crawling like a retard. Orton is tossed away in mid RKO and Trips makes the tag. Kennedy eats the generic Cena offense. Random Manhattan drop was in there though. Five Knuckle Shuffle, but the FU is blocked by Orton. Hunter nails Orton from behind to brawl into the floor and Cena puts Kennedy in the STFU for the win.

Winners: Cena & Trips

After the match Cena and Hunter confront one another but Kennedy nails Cena with a Mic Check as Trips lets him get away with it. Kennedy celebrates and Hunter stalks around as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Jericho and Hardy was the best match easily. A good encounter but too short.

Lowlight of the Night: Pointless D.H. Smith squash.

WWE “Creative” Award: Horny isn’t Vince’s son! Oh no! Who the fuck cares?!

 

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).