WWE RAW RANT: (02/05/07) By Cameron Burge
GENTLEMEN! I bring you.....MORE CORN! And this time....is
different!
That is, if by different I mean, “The exact same fucking thing we have seen week in and out for the
last year or more.” However, we do have the interesting news of Undertaker’s announcement of who he will be facing
at Wrestlemania. I’m sure we are all waiting with baited breath to see if he will challenge for the PRESTIGIOUS ECW
championship.
On a more interesting note, my CAW of Chuck Norris was immediately rewarded with the World Title by the
computer in the GM mode of Smackdown vs. Raw 2007. I should probably put a Chuck Norris joke in here, but really, that’s
what you would EXPECT. So now I won’t. Ha!
Raw 02.05.07
Show opens with
Taker’s music, but the thing I’m more noticing is the fact that there are so many FUCKING glow sticks now that
people light the arena up even when the lights go down. I wonder if they realize those DX glow sticks aren’t any better
than the one dollar ones from the local Lowe’s sales desk. Anyway, here come Taker Texas Ranger. Well, after the entrance,
which I’m pretty sure extended past the Mayan Armageddon clock, Cena comes out, which is a bit of an odd change in mood
to be sure. After Cena stares down with Taker in the ring, Lashley comes out and holds his belt up in Taker’s face,
but now we all have to wait for Batista whom dances awkwardly out, and I’m pretty sure he’s shrunk quite a bit
since last I had to see him.
Taker stares each of them in the eyes then looks to their belts before getting in Batista’s
face and signaling with a throat cutting maneuver to him. Shawn Michaels’ music hits (It’s worth noting he and
Cena don’t have their tag titles) and he comes to the ring to say that leaves Cena unattended and he’s here to
help a brother out, but Orton’s music hits. Damn, that sound guy was on the ball tonight with the random run-ins.
Hmmm...
Orton says he isn’t asking for a title shot, he’s demanding it. Orton says he’ll be the next
champion, but Edge comes out to say since he is undefeated at Wrestlemania, he takes precedence over everyone. Vince then
comes out to give the sound guy more of a workout, saying that lots of people are challenging Cena but no one challenged Bobby
Lashley. He says that is because Lashley is the best champion in the ring right now and will be defending his belt. Vince
then goes on to make a match to pit Orton, Edge and Michaels against one another for the title shot. Everyone leaves but for
Batista and Taker. Batista is leaving, but Taker is still staring at him. Batista gets in his face to hold up the World Title
and Taker choke slams him before leaving. JR then calls it a power slam to hell to prove that he can still fuck things up
no matter how simple they are just to spite us. Commercials! Does the sound guy have to play a theme for them too?
Random
Commercial Thought: I loved Diddy Kong Racing on the N64 and if you think that makes me less of a man.....you’re probably
right.
Back to the show where the replay Undertaker/Batista even though it doesn’t affect Raw. Carlito is out
with Torrie and he is followed by his Partners Cryme Tyne. They are freaking rushing the people for this match tot he ring.
World’s Greatest Tag Team come out with Masters and everyone begins to brawl.
Cryme Tyme & Carlito w/ Torrie
vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team & Chris Masters (Six Man Tag)
JTG ends up with Shelton and hits a Lou Thesz
press before forcing Shelton to the corner. Benjamin turns the tables and drags JTG to the corner to tag in Haas. JTG hits
Haas with a reverse elbow out of the corner until Charlie hits a belly to belly suplex for two. Carlito tags in an goes crazy,
hitting his springboard elbow. All hell then breaks loose, confusing everything as bodies are flying from the ring. Shad spills
to the floor, Masters piece is in at some point some how. Carlito gets smashed by Shelton from nowhere while he has Masters
rolled up, allowing Chris to reverse the rollup for the three.
Winners: The World’s Greatest Tag Team & Masters
After
that it’s commercial time.
Random Commercial Thought: The Kansas Cage Match is apparently Hooters so it can’t
be all bad. You know, it used to be about the owls.
Back to the show where they recap Fan Appreciation Night. Vince
is in the back mumbling to himself like a madman about Trump when Kenny comes in, saying he doesn’t want to interrupt,
but Vince calls him on the fact that he probably does. Kenny requests the shot against Lashley and Vince grants it before
turning to Coach. Coach gives him a letter from Trump. Trump says next week he’ll be appearing in person on Raw in the
ring and he has a business proposal that will change Vince’s life forever. Coach says he’ll ban Trump from the
building, but Vince tells him not to because he’ll be having Trump joining an elite club. And if that club happens to
have a fucking annoying theme song I’m going to kill myself...again.
Elsewhere, Flair is talking to Maria and
he says the Taker/Batista match at the triple threat match give him goosebumps for Wrestlemania, because he’s coming
for Jeff Hardy to get the IC title and go to Mania as the champion. Elsewhere still, Melina congratulates Candice who seems
not interested in her role for the evening on the Superbowl commercial. Then Nitro comes along to say he’ll be taking
out Crazy tonight at the paparazzi is ready to photograph Melina’s championship win as we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: I believe I can fly, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna prove it.
Back to the show where...Balls
is in the ring. Balls Mahoney is in the ring and Coach says Vince has been having trouble with ECW originals lately so tonight
someone was handpicked to take care of him...Uuuuumagaaaaa (The previous was said in my Estrada voice aloud despite the fact
I’m by myself).
Umaga w/ Estrada vs. Balls Mahoney (AC/DC Match)
Balls tries to punch him, but Umaga just
floors him instead and then chokes Balls (HAHA! Chokes...) with the bottom rope, pulling by his arms into it. Her hangs Balls
up on the top rope and then slams him back off, crushing Balls with a Samoan drop. (Damn....) Umaga is playing with Balls
right now according to King. He pounds Balls in the corner before the fat ass meets Balls at high speeds with the Ass Crash.
Umaga follows with the Samoan Spike to end the match.
Winner: Umaga
After the match we go to commercial.
Random
Commercial Thought: Where are the flying monkeys?
Back to the show where Nitro and Melina are on their way to the ring,
followed by Crazy and Mickie, and neither one seems to be too sane.
Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. Super Crazy w/ Women’s
Champion Mickie James
Nitro starts out strong with rights, hitting a nice neck breaker to pick up a quick two at the
beginning of the match. Crazy comes out of nowhere with a rollup to pick up two, so Nitro shuts him down with a backbreaker
for two. Nitro tries a neck vice. Nitro keeps the pressure on, but Crazy counters back with his unorthodox offense. Crazy
goes up top, but Nitro comes up behind for a super back body drop, only for Crazy to back elbow him back to the mat. Crazy
hits the moonsault for the win.
Winner: Crazy
After the match they pimp the Women’s title match before we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Burgers are constructed by tiny little men.
The girls are already
in the ring.
Melina w/ Johnny Nitro vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James w/ Super Crazy (Women’s Title Match)
They
tackle each other and go into a cat fight and me and Gersh are pretty much all for this match. It’s our favorite Divas
after all. Don’t blame me if I get distracted. The fans are big for Mickie as this chant gets started by just one really
fucking loud guy. Mickie goes for a hammerlock and Melina escapes, trying an arm bar only to be slung off. Melina tries a
cheap shot kick to the middle, following with more until Mickie cartwheels out of the wrist walk into a monkey flip. Melina
gets support from Nitro and Mickie kicks her in the back. Nitro holds Melina protectively and Mickie racks her face on the
top rope. Melina follows with a sharp kick to the face then bridges Mickie by the hair, then pulls Mickie’s arms across
her own neck, but Mickie back headbutts her to escape.
Mickie recovers slowly and follows with forearm shots and hair
pulling. Mickie-can-rana gets two while Nitro is taken out by Crazy on the floor. Mickie gets thrown to the floor and comes
back in, Melina sitting on her face (whoo!) for a pin. Melina grabs the ropes, but the ref calls her on it, allowing Mickie
to roll her up for three.
Winner: Melina
The Paparazzi comes into the ring and Nitro tries to shield Melina before
running them all off. We see Shawn in the back getting ready when Cena comes to the back. Shawn says Cena is here to wish
him good luck. Cena says he wants to wrestle Edge because he’s going to kick his ass like he always does. He just wants
Shawn to be safe because they’re the tag team champs. Commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Stick figures are
the shiznit.
Back to the show where they pimp the Donald’s appearance next week, but first here comes Jeff Hardy
who I have a theory about. His spinal chord is in fact constructed of pure Jell-O, thus explaining his entrance dancing. Flair
follows out.
Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Ric Flair (Non-title Match)
They tie up and Flair goes
from a headlock to a hammerlock, but Hardy escapes. Hardy bitchslaps Flair and Flair whips him tot he corner. Hardy jumps
over Flair on the follow through but lands badly, hurting his knee, allowing Flair to hit a chopblock and go to work. Flair
continues to work the leg, using chops when he’s knot, taking Haryd back down by the leg. Hardy gets to one leg and
hits the Enziguiri while Flair taunts him. Flair Flop follows. Hardy gets on a roll and goes up top. He goes for the Swanton
but Flair rolls away. Ric goes for the Figure Four, dancing and taunting around, but when he finally goes for it, he gets
rolled up for three. HAHA...he held X and hit R2!
Winner: Jeff
They hug after the match (GAY) and Jeff gives a little
worship bow before celebrating.
Random Commercial Thought: Stop trashing body parts in New York.
Back to the
show. Wrestlemania countdown music video plays before the recap of the Taker/Batista promo. In the back, Tard is interviewing
Batista. He wants comments on what happened. Dave says he doesn’t have a problem with it and he’s not intimidated,
but Payback’s a bitch and he’ll defend his title successfully. Kenny Dykestorm is in the ring, preparing for his
match with Lashley.
Kenny Dykstra vs. ECW Champion Bobby Lashley (ECW Title Match)
Kenny goes to tie up with
Bobby, but hides in the ropes. Lashley forces him tot he corner out of the next tie up and Kenny turns the tables, but Lashley
chucks him away. Kenny dodges a clothesline and hits a right, only to get punched hard enough to be knocked to the floor.
Lashley rolls him back into the ring, catches a kick and throws Kenny into the corner from halfway across the ring. He follows
with shoulderblocks to the midsection. Lashley tries to toss Kenny to the floor form the corner, but he lands on the apron
only to eat another right that sends him to the floor. Kenny catches Lashley with a dropkick to the knee on the ramp to make
him face plant on the steal, grinding his face into the steel.
Kenny picks up two back in the ring, trying to keep
the pressure on then with a headlock (take a shot). This headlock goes on WAY too long for someone who is supposed to be a
powerhouse. Lashley gets to his feet and finally back body drops him out. Kenny lands on his feet, but Bobby clotheslines
him. Bobby eats a foot in the face in the corner, only to follow with a T-bone onto Kenny. Kenny hits a dropkick to send Lashley
to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Wow, way to make Grudge 2 look fucking retarded...
Back
to the match. Kenny has Lashley down, hammering his back, rolling him up for just one. He goes to a front facelock and Bobby
lifts him, throwing him aside. Lashley hits a back body drops and gets just thrown around some more. Lashley goes to a stalling
suplex. Lashley goes for the spear, but Dykestorm kicks him in the face. Kenny runs at him, right into a military press into
a power slam (and yet another move Lashley stole from Goldberg. Typical stealing black guy!) for the win.
Winner: Lashley
In
the back, Orton and Edge are getting ready, but Orton tells him their is no teamwork tonight, it’s every man for himself.
Edge says it doesn’t matter which of them wins as long as it isn’t Michaels. Elsewhere, Flair runs into Carlito
in the back. He asks where he and Torrie are going, he says they are going out. flair goes off, saying that he should stay
for the main event, but Carlito says he isn’t in the main event. Flair screams at him, revealing he was told he has
to prove his position here to Vince if he wants to stay while guys like Carlito are taking his spot and Carlito is a lazy
son of a bitch, which is why he isn’t the one wrestling in the main event. Flair storms off, and for some reason he
was wearing a DX shirt this whole time as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: When I was in Driver’s
Ed, I spent it playing Magic the Gathering.
Back to the show, where our three contenders come out to the ring. The
odd thing here is that Michaels just sort of tosses his tag belt aside when he gets to the ring, removing his Chipendale chaps
and getting into the ring.
Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. World Tag Team Champion Shawn Michaels (#1 Contender’s Triple
Threat Match)
The match starts off with Edge & Orton teaming up against Michaels turning him inside out in the
corner. Michaels hits a double clothesline on them, followed by an atomic drop on Orton and the flying shoulder block to Edge.
Orton is tossed to the floor and Michaels follows with a scoopslam to Edge, going up top. Orton chucks him off, hurting HBK’s
back. Shawn is sent to the floor by Edge and Orton looks to be setting up for an RKO on Edge, but Edge turns and sees it.
They get in each other’s faces as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Fuck the French language, if
the teacher was fit you must acquit. It doesn’t have to make sense. It rhymes.
Back to the match, Edge is holding
Shawn for Orton to attack, but Shawn manages to bend them both forward and back body drop Orton over the ropes to the floor.
Edge eats a back body drop and Shawn hits a baseball slide on Orton to send him into the announce table. Michaels is firing
up, but Edge kicks him hard to pick up two. Edge beats him down some more and picks up another two off of a backbreaker. Edge
scoop slams and goes up top. Edge and Michaels fight on the top and Edge headbutts him to send him to the mat. Michaels racks
Edge on the top rope, getting caught in the inverted backbreaker from Orton for two. Orton starts pounding on Shawn, hitting
a knee drop for another two which causes him to argue with the ref.
Orton takes it to Michaels some more, hitting a
hard dropkick for two, which means he argues with the ref more, because it’s obviously his fault. RKO flattens Michaels,
but Edge comes in and tries to steal the pin for two. Edge and Orton start facing off and begin to brawl, Edge hits a cross
body that sends them both down as Shawn goes up top to hit the elbow on Edge. Michaels goes for Sweet Chin Music on Orton,
but he catches it. Edge goes for the spear, Michaels sidesteps, and whips the spear into Orton, then superkicks Edge tot he
floor, pinning Orton for three.
Winner: Michaels
Cena comes down and faces off with Michaels when Batista’s
music hits. Batista comes to the entrance ramp and Taker’s music hits, rising from the ground in the smoke. They face
off with each other then each teams look to each other for their No Way Out Tag Match. Randomly, Cena’s theme begins
to play. The sound guy I think is just bored now and having fun, as we go off the air.
Highlight of the Night: I can’t
believe I’m saying this. Melina/Mickie was probably one of the best matches of the night, and I actually enjoyed it
for reasons that didn’t require lotion.
Lowlight of the Night: Kenny gets a title shot. What. The. Fuck.
Eugene
Award: Michaels- “...We have tag team titles?”
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (02/15/07) By Cameron Burge
Welcome back. Just so you all can see the sheer SACRIFICE I yield for you all to get these
Raw Rants out to you, my loyal masses (Okay, I’ll be honest, you’re all probably about as loyal as Brutus and
just waiting for an Ides of March to stab my white ass in the back), I’m giving up playing with my Wii to bring this
to you.....first masturbation joke I get in the mail gets a cookie.
Raw 02.15.07
Show opens with theme and pyro to take us to King and JR who are pimping the cross brand
eight man tag tonight (what brand split?) as well as The Donald. Speaking of ugly old guys, here’s Vinnie Mac to introduce
Trump for us. Horrendous theme entrance aside, Trump arrives with Ashley on one arm and Torrie on the other. Vince said he
hadn’t expected him to be escorted so he shoes the girls away. Vince says he might be intimidated by being in a WWE
ring next to Vincent Kennedy (KENNEDY!) McMahon. Donald says he isn’t intimidated. Vince tells him he doesn’t
appreciate what Trump thought of everything he did, including the raining of money upon the masses. Vince says it was embarrassing,
but Donald says he’ll be doing it again tonight and Vince says they don’t deserve cash to be dropped on them and
so Vince had security prevent the money drop. Big “You suck” chants hit. Vince finally asks for the business proposal
as the Asshole chants replace the previous one. Vince asks why he’s here and Donald says he’s taller, better looking
and stronger and The Donald wants him in a match at Wrestlemania. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of credibility
dropping twenty stories to the floor, shattering every bone in its body like Owen fucking Hart.
Vince says his physician suggested he never compete in the ring again after receiving
a split pelvis in the Hell in a Cell against DX. He says he appreciates Donald’s proposal and would like to hand pick
a competitor to represent him and Donald find one to represent himself. Vince asks for a handshake on the deal and Donald
says he don’t like it many times over. He calls Vince a rich guy and himself a richer guy. Vince says he’ll raise
the stakes then and put money on the line. The Donald suggests making it a Hair vs. Hair match. Trump says they have both
been accused of wearing a hair piece and he doesn’t. For some reason the crowd wants to see this and King is really
behind it but JR has been silent the whole time. He probably went into a coma induced by the black hole of negative entertainment
being generated in the ring.
Vince declines the match still. Trump says until now he always thought Vince had guts
and he doesn’t. He says he was angry that the wrestler who portrayed Rosie was too good looking to be her. Finally Vince
comes back and says the match is on. Commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: So this commercial claims The Marine to be the number one DVD
in the country and the sad part is that it’s true. I went to the Hollywood video and the entire wall of The Marine was
sold out.
Back to the show. JR and King recap what we just learned while I try desperately to forget
it is happening at all. But good way to practice you alliteration on Bald Billionaires, JR. And here come Melina and Nitro
for their match. Mickie and Crazy are out next.
Super Crazy & Women’s Champion Mickie James vs. Johnny Nitro & Melina (Mixed
Tag Match)
Melina attacks Mickie and a catfight breaks out so Crazy and Nitro drag them both away
back to their corners for the match to officially start. Nitro goes for a side headlock and hits a shoulder block off the
whip. Crazy leapfrogs Nitro into a monkey flip before mounting for punches in the corner. Melina drags Mickie down to the
floor while Super Crazy gets hung on the top rope by Nitro. Sidekick picks up two for Nitro. A neck breaker follows and Nitro
hits the Breakin’ It leg drop for another two. Nitro shoves Crazy into Mickie and King has to correct him from calling
her Melina. Crazy gets rolled up with the tights for two. Crazy counters on Nitro who tags in Melina and kicks at Crazy. Crazy
catches it for Mickie to come in. She starts slinging Melina by the hair, fucks a clothesline and a Lou Thesz press leads
to mounted punching (heh...mounted). Melina tries to fight back as Nitro runs in only to be caught by Crazy. Mickie sends
Melina to the floor as well and they both hit baseball slides. Melina grabs Mickie by the hair to escape a firemans carry
while Crazy eats turnbuckle. Melina rolls her up for three to put an end to this match.
Winners: Melina & Nitro
After the match they recap the title situation as well as the upcoming No Mercy match
as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Just for men can break the windows of your MIND.
Back to the show. Khali is set to face off against the scared looking Eugene.
Eugene vs. The Great Khali
Eugene offers Khali a gift which gets slapped away. Much punching and clotheslines and
raising of hands follows. Khali just drags him to his feet by his throat, lifts Eugene into the air and hits the double choke
slam. He stands on him for three.
Winner: Khali
After the match we have the pimping of Piper and Michaels as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I think I passed out, drooling over my Wii.....*cough*
Back to the show where Michaels is on the phone with Hunter being coached how to shill
the new DX DVD. Michaels tells Hunter to get back to rehabbing before recapping his Main events of Wrestlemania. He calls
himself Mr. Wrestlemania before we go to Flair being interviewed by Tard. He plays what Flair said to Carlito. Carlito shows
up and demands an apology saying what he said last week was not cool. He had a whole week to think about it because what he
said about him was wrong. Flair accuses Carlito of acting like half the locker room, no guts or heart. Carlito says he’ll
show him heart and passion tonight in the ring. Flair says our apple spewing hero has been walking about for two years with
his head up his ass but he’s finally stood up to walk on his feet so they’ll do it (ew!) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Where’s the beef?
Back to the show where Jeff Hardy is on his way to the ring to much fanfare. Masters follows
him out, and I really miss his old freakishly long entrance, but I guess we really needed to shave it down to make way for
more commercials.
Chris Masters vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Non-title Match)
Masters attacks early but Hardy rallies back rather quickly, getting into Mounted punching
in the corner, but Masters powerbombs his way out for two. Masters begins to work the lower back of Hardy with stiff shots,
hitting a high back body drop and a knee to the spine. He follows with a chinlock (take a shot). Hardy elbows his way out
and goes to his split legged jaw buster. Hardy starts kicking Masters down, hitting a wheel kicks. Masters whips him to the
corner and gets kicked in the face, but when Hardy goes up top he gets racked on the top turnbuckle. Hardy gets dragged off
the turnbuckle now in the MASTERfull Nelson. He tries to re-climb the ropes to get out of it, but Chris drags him back off.
Hardy continues to rally after falling to a knee and he ties himself in the ropes to force the break. Hardy hangs on the apron
and Masters suplexes him back in, but Hardy flips out of it into a roll up for three.
Winner: Hardy
More pimping of Piper (whoo! Alliteration!) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Virtua Fighter, the game that plays so smoothly you can enter
button combination for moves long before they end, now that’s speed *cough*
Back to the show where King introduces Piper saying he’s tough because he’s
been shot stabbed and married to the same woman for twenty-four years. He says thanks to the doctor he’s overcome cancer
and kicked its ass. Hmm...I think they forgot to remove the tumor out of the middle of him. Piper introduces the first inductee
to the Hall of Fame this year and it just so happens to be Dusty Rhodes. Do you ever feel like they are really reaching for
Hall of Famers? After a bit of celebration, Umaga comes down to annihilate Dusty with the Ass Crash. Piper tries hitting him
with a chair and gets a Samoan Spike for his troubles as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Ever notice there are never any black chicks in Axe commercials?
What are they born with a natural immunity to it’s magical powers?
Back to the show where they recap what we just say as Carlito heads to the ring, Torrie
in tow. And he is seemingly not concerned that she was totally flirting with the Donald earlier. Flair comes down and they
get it on (not that way you sick freaks).
Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Torrie Wilson vs. Ric Flair
Carlito starts off by forcing Flair to the corner and he goes in with shoulder blocks
to the midsection, but Flair comes out with chops. Carlito ain’t playing that shit and takes Flair to the cleaners,
beating him to the floor in the corner and choking him out with a boot. Carlito and Flair have a chop war once he is back
to his feet with Ric gaining the advantage. Flair dodges a dropkick from Carlito. Ric starts going to town, hitting his reverse
elbow to floor the Caribbean again before placing Carlito in the corner for chops. Carlito sends Flair sternum first into
the turnbuckle, then dropkicks Flair back into it. He goes for the Apple Jack but Flair holds the ropes to make Carlito fall
on his own back hilariously. Flair then rolls him up, looking to get his feet on the ropes only to be too far away to do so
but gets the three anyway.
Winner: Flair
After the match, Carlito mouths “Mother Fucker...” but eventually shakes Ric’s
hand. We get another pimping of the main event before heading off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Wow. There’s been wrestling two weeks in a row. I’m
fucking blown away.
Back to the show. Melina and Nitro are in the back, pissed that there is no interviewer
for her to announce she’ll be facing Mickie next week (wow she just did!). She asks who could be more important than
her and we go to Ashley getting interviewed about her Playboy cover...and I quit caring. Tard asks her if she had one word
to describe the experience what would it be. Ron Simmons walks up and she hugs him. He inspects her to give the one word before
we go to MVP and Kennedy getting ready. Orton and Edge want to welcome them to the A Show. You know, I’m so out of touch
with caring about Smackdown I had to go to WWE.com just to find out who the fuck MVP is. And I still don’t care. Anyway
Kennedy and MVP start to argue but Orton and Edge get everyone on the same page as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The only thing mind-blowing about The Marine is how much it
sucks.
Back to the show. JR recaps Donald and Vince for us again. I have to wonder if Trump refused
to even humor the Kiss My Ass Club angler because despite all the previews the club wasn’t even mentioned tonight at
all. And let me talk about the horrendously bad idea it is to have Wrestlemania on April Fool’s Day for a minute. Actually,
that sentence pretty much explained itself. WHAT THE FUCK VINCE? Reschedule you retard! Anyway, Batista’s music hits
and if you’ve ever used the Create an Entrance function in Smackdown vs. Raw 2007, you’ve probably heard all you
want to of this song for you entire life. Good to see Dave growing his hair back out so he doesn’t look like a shaved
Chipmunk on Steroids. Shawn Michaels is next out to his DX entrance, probably just because it is longer and we seem to be
competing for entrance length tonight. The Undertaker is next and he brings with him his usual plethora of ethereal fog. Okay
Taker, we could pick up the pace in that walk a little.....TODAY. Jesus. Cena has trouble doing his salute and juggling his
belts at the same time, he’s kind of like a one man circus. He’ll be appearing on the Late Late Show which in
case you are wondering is not entertaining at all.
Following now is Mr. Kennedy and I have to say I really miss his old entrance theme it
was way better. MVP is next and what the FUCK is with that purple skin tight suit? Team Rated RKO enter simultaneously but
not with their matching jackets anymore. The two teams stare off from the entrance ramp tot he ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Now Way Out! Where there’s no way out, even for the fans.
World Heavyweight Champion Batista & The Undertaker & World Tag Team Champions
Shawn Michaels & WWE Champion John Cena vs. Four Guys Whose Names/Titles Don’t Take Half That Long to Type
Cena and Orton start off with a quick back and forth, but Cena’s fisherman suplex
picks up two. Cena hits a hip lock takeover and elbow drop for another two, but Orton thumb to the eye buys enough time to
tag in Kennedy who goes to town on Cena. Cena hits a big shoulder block on Kennedy before tagging in The Undertaker. Taker
continuously crushes Misteeerrrrrrr Kennedy....Kennedy....with rights before pulling off Old School. STO gets two when MVP
makes the save. Michaels tags in, and since he’s the only guy here without God powers, he’s obviously going to
be our face in danger.
But first, Michaels goes for chops and then gets countered out of a back body to fall
to the heel corner. MVP tags in and gets a one count on the cover. Back body drop by MVP gets countered into a swinging neck
breaker by Michaels who then takes a shot right at MVP’s mouth. Michaels gets caught with an elbow in the corner and
MVP awkwardly drags him to the corner. I have to wonder why this guy is even allowed to be a wrestler right now. Edge tags
in, but Michaels catches him with an enziguiri. I think I might take back the face in danger thing if this keeps up much longer.
Michaels makes the leaping tag to Batista who destroys Edge. He catches him out of the corner with a powerslam but runs into
a boot to eh face. Edge attempts a missile dropkick but gets nothing but air. Batista catapults Edge to the corner before
Spinebustering everyone and hitting the Batista Bomb on Edge. Dave signals the thumbs down as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Sometimes I really do think they should go ahead and make The
Curse of the Cannibal Ghost in the House on Horror Hill.
Back to the match. Batista is still in charge, but Edge counters a back body drop. Batista
tags in Cena who goes nuts and invites the others to try him, but they withstand the temptation allowing a Five Knuckle Shuffle
on Edge. Cena scoops Edge up for an FU, but Orton pulls Edge out of it before tagging in and attacking Cena for two. Cena
starts going crazy with pounding blows and hits a knee drop to the head, but Taker breaks up the pin in the most casual fashion
I’ve ever seen. MVP tags in and starts attacking Cena. He nails several knees to the chest out of a neck vice and into
a snap mare for two. MVP continues to work the neck vice, but Cena pushes his way loose, back body dropping MVP. Kennedy tags
in before Cena can make it to his corner, hitting a knee drop to the spine then sending Cena to the neutral corner for a stomping.
Kennedy lands a sharp knee and rolls Cena to the mat for two. Kennedy holds Cena for a
dropkick from Orton after making the tag and he lets off the pin at two, looking to make sure Taker isn’t going to stomp
on him again. Cena hits a boot to the jaw then an elbow, but he runs into a clothesline that gets Orton two. Edge tags back
in and starts kicking Cena in the back. Edge goes for some kind of creepy choke that looks more like he’s hugging Cena
and will never let go, Titanic style. Cena fights up, but Edge keeps him done until they both clothesline one another. Taker
and Orton get tags and Taker begins cleaning house. A big clothesline floors Kennedy then he starts splashing MVP and Orton
in opposite corner. Kennedy eats snake eyes and a big boot before Orton and MVP find themselves set up for double choke slams,
but they stop him. He takes MVP and Orton down with a double clothesline instead, but Michaels makes a tag for himself. He
hits the elbow on Orton and tunes up the band, but Edge blocks it. Then everyone gets in. Whee!
Cena and Edge brawl, MVP and Taker are going at it. Orton is set up for the Superkick.
Orton ducks it and Shawn almost kicks Taker, but the dead man catches it. Undertaker goes to choke slam Michaels, but turns
around to choke slam MVP instead. Orton shoves Michaels into Taker to send him to the floor, but Shawn hits the superkick
finally for the win.
Winners: Mania Main Eventers
After the match Taker choke slams Michaels. Cena attacks him from behind but the Undertaker
hits him with a big boot, Batista following it up by hitting the Batista Bomb on Cena to end the show.
Highlight of the Night: Carlito/ Flair was a decent enough match to get my interest despite
how short it was. Hopefully these two will get a chance to explore a few more matches. Also, I got a Wii! Ha!
Lowlight of the Night: Smackdown doesn’t have any other top heels besides MVP? What
the hell?!
Eugene Award: The fact that I was gypped entirely of a Cryme Tyme segment and instead
had to be force-fed Donald Trump and Ashley. Oh joy.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science.
(which makes his
current day to day
life quite
uncomfortable.) Read
his
Raw Reports
or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (02/19/07) By Cameron Burge
Yo yo yo, pop a forty and roll your dimes, it’s time for...well, something. Anyway I’m
sitting here with my friend Josh at the moment who demands you all watch the show or be forced to wallow in the agony of a
thousand Vince Russo sketches for all eternity deep within the bowels of Professional Wrestling Hell.
So, tonight we have the first Money in the Bank qualifier match between RVD and Edge just in order
to further implant that the thing once known as a Brand Split was only a figment of your imagination.
Raw 02.19.07
Show opens with a recap of what happened last week between Vince and Trump, and we are live at ringside
with a barbershop pole and chair. Vinnie comes out to cut a promo and I couldn’t care less. Sometimes I really wish
the dog show was on ever week. Vince jabbers on for a while about beating up Trump and shaving his head, making him beg to
not cut his hair. Tell you the truth I sort of drifted in and out, but I’m pretty sure no naked chicks were involved
so it couldn’t have been too important. Vince says Trump is going to look like Brittany Spears and he shows a before
and after which takes Brittany from blue eyed goddess to pasty-faced cancer patient. He then goes to town with photoshop on
Donald’s hair on the titantron featuring MR. T. After a few more lame ass photoshops, which for some reason have Trumps
hair not only getting LONGER from being cut, but also being different colors. Vince introduces his new representative, Umaga.
Unfortunately, there is no Photoshop of before and after of Three Minute Warning to Jungle Savage.
Vince then says Umaga is about to become an Intercontinental Champion right now as Jeff Hardy arrive. Is it just me or does
his dancing get exponentially gayer every weak? Commercials!
Random Commercial Thought: 300, we’re a new movie! We SO didn’t remove the words “The”
and “Spartans” from the end of the title. Not at all.
Back to the show and the match is underway.
Umaga w/ Armando Allejandro Estrada vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title
Match)
Hardy and Umaga are brawling but Hardy has to dive from the ring to keep from getting attacked. Umaga
follows and Hardy leaps back in to swing through the ropes into twin dropkicks. He flings himself over, but Umaga makes the
catch. Umaga tries to ram him into the steps and Hardy slips out to plant Umaga on them. Jeff runs the security wall and leaps
off directly into a throat thrust to put Umaga on the offensive. Speaking of Offensive, Umaga really offends me. He leads
people to believe that savages wear wrestling tights. Umaga goes on to hit heavy strikes that lay Hardy out, following by
running off the ropes into the leg drop. If this were Hogan we’d have a new champion. The crowd keeps trying to rally
for Hardy who just sort of flails in pain.
Umaga goes for a nerve hold which actually makes it look more like Jeff is being rammed into his
crotch. Hardy gets set up in the ring and Umaga goes for his headbutt, but eats nothing but mat. I’m being told now
that Umaga has a grill and I had no idea there were Witch Doctor Dentists. Whisper in the Wind hits Umaga hard, but when Jeff
tries to follow up he gets squished by a Samoan Drop.
Has anyone else noticed Umaga has gained this extra tire around his waist. Her puts Hardy in the
corner and nails him with the Ass Crash. Umaga decides to put a defining point (and tries to continue to justify his existence)
by hitting the Samoan Spike for the win.
Winner: Umaga
After the match they replay the finish as we go to commercial.’
Random Commercial Thought: Not much is more horrifying than Will Ferral in tights singing “My
Humps”
Back to the show. Ric and Carlito are going to set aside their differences (yeah right) and tag against
Cade and Murdoch tonight.
Ric Flair & Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Torrie Wilson vs. Cade & Murdoch
Ric starts out with Cade and it’s kind of like looking into a reversing Mirror between these
guys. Flair does very little, getting in a chop before wrenching the arm to tag in Carlito. Carlito goes to town with lefts
and his springboard elbow for two. Her hits the Million Dollar Knee Lift then attacks Murdoch when he tries a cheap shot.
Cade lands a modified sambo suplex before tagging out to Murdoch.
The walking Bitter Beer Face commercial hits some clubbing blows before tagging right back out to
Cade. Cade and Murdoch keep Carlito grounded with quick tags. Murdoch scoopslams Carlito in the corner, missing a flying forearm
drop which allows Carlito to get the tag. Flair hits knife edge chops all over Murdoch before following with a sloppy back
body drop. Cade runs in and gets chopped right back out for his trouble. Ric hits a chopblock and goes for the Figure Four.
While he’s showing off, Cade goes up top, but Flair is ready for him. He and Carlito team up to clothesline him to the
floor. While the ref is busy trying to get Carlito back in the corner, Ric low blows Murdoch and Carlito tags in for an Apple
Jack and the win.
Winners: Flair & Carlito
After the match we sneak off to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I like cheese.
Back to the show. Shawn and Cena are being interviewed and saying they were on the same page. Shawn
and Cena get up in each others faces saying there is one thing that needs to be done...then Shawn goes into his DX DVD spiel.
Cena says that was a bit of a disappointment and spiels on the Marine in a pretty funny bit. He steals the spotlight entirely
from Shawn who then counters by saying his DVD has this guy...and the fat stripper comes out. Shawn has to superkick him to
“Have Cena’s back”. They walk off and we go to the back with Orton and Edge discussing Orton’s match
with Cena later as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: What’s my flavor? I’m fond of Tangerine I guess.
Back to the show. They recap the Money in the Bank History. Edge is out after ward to start his match
with RVD.
Edge vs. RVD (Money in the Bank Qualifier Match)
The crowd is hot for RVD who rolls up edge for one out of nowhere. Rob capitalizes with his signature
taunt to pick up the crowd heat. Split legged Monkey flip hits followed by Edge hiding in the corner where RVD rolls into
another monkey flip. Rob tried to follow up but Edge escapes to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Movies these days are a sad excuse for entertainment, many of which simply
disguise themselves as art.
We come back to RVD who has Edge grounded with some generic arm hold. He tries to pin him for two
before returning to the hold. Rob and Edge get to their feet to brawl in which Van Dam dodges a charge from Edge to send him
tot eh floor. Her hangs Edge on the barricade before hitting a spinning leg drop to the head. Rob rolls Edge back into the
ring but as he gets in Edge catches him with a swinging neckbreaker through the ropes. Edge continues to work the neck with
another neckbreaker for two.
Edge tries a chinlock (take a shot) but RVD rallies the crowd to escape. Edge is sent to the corner,
taking a spinning side kick. Rob begins to fire up, hitting several flying shoulders and another leveling side kick. before
nailing rolling thunder....onto nothing. Edge counter Rolling thunder and catches Rob with a pin for two. He sets Rob up on
the top rope, but RVD throws him off to cause Edge to rack himself on the top rope. Flying kick sends Edge to the floor who
decides to lay there in the Christ Position before Rob turns himself into a human projectile. RVD tosses Edge back in and
goes up top before his cross body is countered with a dropkick. Edge picks up another two. JR calls it the a kick to the Sternum
Serplex. I wonder if that is the technical term. Rob powers back still, hitting the split legged Moonsault which JR says usually
does the trick, despite he’s never....ever won with it. It gets two of course. Van Dam gets pissed and goes up top for
the Five Star, but Orton interferes so Rob kick him in the face and Edge hits the spear for three because we haven’t
buried RVD enough and Edge hasn’t been in the main event long enough.
Winner: Edge
Commercials bitch!
Random Commercial Thought: Never trade a bunny for skittles.
Back to the show. Replay of the Mixed tag match between Nitro/Melina and Crazy/Mickie. Speaking of
Melina, here she is, mysteriously sans Nitro to face Mickie.
Melina vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James (Women’s Title Match)
Melina and Mickie lock up and go for the obligatory cat fight. Melina is pulling the hair so Mickie
tosses her away. Mickie starts hitting huge rights and forearms before nailing a running dropkick to a seated Melina’s
face. Melina is then unceremoniously dumped to the floor where she dodges a baseball slide. Melina begins to do her generic
kicking on Mickie while I ponder who WWE plans to rebuild a women’s division with no other women’s wrestlers by
Victoria. Melina sloppily throws Mickie by the hair and gets two.
Melina continues to stalk Mickie in the corner (like many of the male viewing audience) but Mickie
pounces out for mounted punches, throwing Melina by the hair and hitting knees to the face before tossing her face first into
the mat. Mickie goes for the Mickie-canrana but Melina counters it into some kind of shitty power bomb. Melina follows with
a rollup and gets the three and the title.
Winner: Melina
After the match the paparazzi photographs her as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The Wii is your god.
Back to the show where in the back, Mickie is being interviewed by Tard. She doesn’t want to
talk, but he keeps pushing her so she bitch slaps the little bastard (not to be confused with leprechauns) as we go to ringside
where Khali is going to now crush The Highlanders. Could someone explain to me why fucking morons cheer for this guy? Anyway,
no point in recapping this disaster, but her squishes them sort of like that toe jam you get sometimes if you don’t
wash your feet enough. Well that’s over with, commercials anyone?
Random Commercial Thought: 23! 23! May 19th!....oh wrong movie.
Back to the show. They replay Vince’s promo earlier tonight with his photoshops of Trump. The
sad part is they could have had Sean do this and it WOULDN’T have sucked. For some reason we have to watch like, the
whole thing over again, including Umaga. We go tot he back where Kenny is being told he can’t be top dog on Raw, but
he suddenly points over Coach’s shoulder and leaves as The Great Khali arrives. Khali unintelligibly tells Coach he
wants better competition and leaves. Coach turns to find Ron Simmons right next to him which freaks him out. Ron looks at
Khali leaving before adding the wisdom of “Damn.” We get a video package of Ashley before coming to the back where
Melina is celebrating with Nitro and she says all the attention should be on her not Ashley. At ringisde, JR and King reveal
inductee two to the Hall of Fame. Mr. Fucking Perfect.
actorgersh: I guess they're not gonna have him make a speech.
InfernoRage1: Sure they are.
InfernoRage1: They just gotta unsew his mouth first and have Boogeyman get to work
Boogeyman: “Arise Chicken! Arise! Go to www.witchdoctor.com One convenient locations.....in
Africa.”
We go to Perfect commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: You know I’m not even really sure what was going on here, I completely
zoned out.
Back to the show. Wrestlemania Recall is the first Wrestlemania and Orton comes to the ring, golden
showers, imaginary beach ball and all. Cena follows suit, with both belts in tow and we are ready to rumble, only without
all the horrible acting of David Arquette and Disco Inferno getting a World Title Shot.
Randy Orton vs. WWE Champion & World Tag Team Champion John Cena (Non-title Match)
They tie up and Orton turns the tables once pushed into the corner, beating Cena down. Cena switches
his Fisherman’s suplex to more resemble the Perfect Plex when he picks up two and JR is kind enough to point it out
if you missed. Cena hits a powerbomb, scoop slam and elbow drop for three.
Nah, just kidding. Orton crushes Cena once he’s back to his feet with a clothesline to get
two of his own. Cena sends Orton face first into the mat and Orton rolls to the outside to recover. Cena gives chase, both
men making it back in, but they clothesline each other and go down. Orton rolls to the floor and grabs a chair as we go to
commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: You see, everyone should chain their women down like that. Would save
us a shit load of trouble.
Back to the show where we find out that Orton forwent the chair shot for slinging Cena into the ring
steps. He has John locked in an abdominal stretch. Cena escapes and crawls to the ring apron, but Orton drags him up to hang
him from the middle rope into his killer DDT. I actually haven’t seen him use that move since he beat RVD for the Intercontinental
Title. It only picks up two. Orton starts hitting kneedrops and stomps to champ. Orton goes for his patented chinlock offense.
I’ve always wanted him to write a book. The Wonder of Chinlocks. Just so he could list all the variations of them for
us and prove he actually does have a (somewhat) varied move set.
Cena escapes and Orton punches him in the head. Cena just walks over and kicks the bottom rope before
getting back in Orton’s face and taking another punch. Cena asks for another like he’s fucking Oliver before unleashing
into his general offense. Five Knuckle Shuffle hits, but Orton rakes the eyes to escape the FU. Orton hits a dropkick then
goes up top for a cross body that Cena rolls through for two. Orton knocks Cena down then lies in wait for the RKO like a
panther about to pounce. (Monty: POOOOOUUUNCE!) Jesus Christ, just stand up John. Cena finally stands and throws Orton off
when he goes for the RKO before scooping Orton into the FU. Edge runs in and spears him instead.
Winner: Cena
Edge sets up Cena for a conchairto but Shawn arrive and steals the chair, slamming it into the both
of them to ward off Rated RKO. Cena seems wary when he gets up of Shawn and the chair, but Shawn tosses the chair aside. Cena
goes to turn around at one point and it looks like Shawn will superkick him, but Cena waves a finger at him instead. He keeps
jerking around to check on Michaels just in case. Shawn grabs the chairs then tosses them out as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Carlito and Flair got to show off. That. That’s cool.
Lowlight of the Night: Umaga wins the IC title to solidify it’s uselessness at Wrestlemania
once again.
Eugene Award: Where the HELL is Cryme Tyme and why don’t they have their title shot? And this
ties with Where the HELL is the Brand split? And why is RVD being buried? GRAAAH!
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (02/26/07) By Cameron Burge
GENTLEMAN! I bring you....the RAW RANT!....Now...with MORE corn!
For those of you who were asleep for the last few weeks, you may have not noticed the
Oscars last night, which shocked us all when they completely overlooked the powerhouse performances of Kane and a bunch of
Australians in See No Evil as well as not handing The Marine the Oscar for "Most gratuitous explosions packed into a single
movie...ever." Also, Gersh tells me The E! channel leaked Trump's pick for tonight as being "Lindsey" which was apparently
meant to be Lashley. Oh joy.
Raw 02.26.07
The show opens with some recapping of the Trump/Vince angle, and after that we're off
to ringside with John Cena, set to defend his tag belts against Rated RKO. Oh, and also Shawn Michaels was there. Rated RKO
pop up on the titantron and say they aren't ready for the match yet. Instead they say John was robbed at the Oscars last night
and he's the best actor out there. RKO decides to clue Cena into the nature of his partner, showing Shawn's various heel turns
on team members. We see him kick Marty, then Diesel, then X-pac then Booker in the NWO. Finally we get to Hogan. After the
video Cena turns to look at Michaels and they exchange some words about trust apparently since JR can suddenly read lips.
King calls Shawn a liar as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Is Nashville Star over yet? I'm tired of the commercials,
it seems like the damn things goes on longer and longer each year.
Back to the show where we get a video bit about Foley's new book followed by Hardy coming
down to the ring. Jeff will be facing Shelton for a MITB match spot. They run some Hardy ladder match clips before Shelton
comes to the ring. Lillian waits until they are in the ring to introduce them and explain what they are up for a shot in at
Mania before we get it on.
Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin (Money in the Bank Qualifier)
Jeff tries to matt wrestle Shelton, but gets pulled into an Oklahoma Roll for two (A
black guy from Oklahoma? Do they make those?). Shelton follows through into a flip over rollup for another two. Hardy tries
to go on the offensive with heel kicks to pick up a quick two of his own. Hardy gets caught with a knee in the gut by Shelton
who send him tot he mat to punch him in the head a few times for a two count. The crowd rallies for Hardy, that or they were
chanting "Drug-gie, drug-gie!" Which is pretty much the same thing I guess. Shelton eats a heel kick that sends him to the
floor. Hardy follows outside, and runs the rail to cream Shelton. Back in the ring and Shelton gains the advantage in the
corner, but Hardy Whispers in the Wind to put a stop to that before going up top. Benjamin leaps to the top to nail a belly
to belly suplex as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: AHG! This Kansas commercial has slutty looking little girls.
Way to raise our image guys.
Back to the show where Shelton is going for the rear naked choke, which doesn't involve
anyone taking their clothes off oddly enough. He switches it up for a chinlock, but Hardy escapes into a swift onset. Hardy
hits a flying neckbreaker and Shelton goes to the apron. Shelton tries to leap over the ropes at Hardy but he steps back,
making Shelton face plant for two that is argued over by the announcers. Hardy follows with a twist of Fate instead at the
Swanton to score the win.
Winner: Hardy
As Hardy celebrates, Vince interrupts to congratulate him saying he wasn't celebrating
last week when he lost his belt to Umaga. He then goes on to show all of his Photoshops of Trump again which have at least
gotten better before leading us to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I wasn't even watching.
Back to the show. We get a video about Ashley's playboy shoot where they interview the
photographers and her, and I find it hilarious that the playboy photographers can't even get it up anymore. In the back, Melina
is bitching to Nitro about how Ashley is getting so much attention and she isn't and Foley is getting attention despite her
firing him. Then she bitches Mickie chose their rematch to be a falls count anywhere match next week and she has to wrestle
Maria tonight....What the fuck? Is she an anime character or something? She says out loud everything the viewers already know.
Nitro finally tells her to shut up because he lost his MITB qualifier and has nothing. Nitro's music hits so he leaves her
in shock to go to the ring.
Nitro stalks out angrily and Super Crazy is his opponent who has new theme music (sort
of), but before the match even starts he slingshots through the ropes and beats the fuck out of Crazy all over the entrance
aisle. He drives Crazy into the floor headfirst then walks off, happily grinning like he's fucking Renfield as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Anything from the writer's an director's of Saw, I am all
behind.
Speaking of things I want to be behind, here's Melina. She parades her belt down to
the ring like Vanna White before Maria shows up in a one piece, Leopard Print outfit.
Women's Champion Melina vs. Maria (Non-title Match)
Melina crushes her pretty well, slamming Maria around and stomping her face into the
mat roughly. Melina locks Maria up in a tarantula type maneuvers using a boston crab and the bottom two ropes. Melina can
only get two though so she tries a camel clutch, but Maria through her off only to run into a kick to the middle. Maria catches
Melina with a boot of her own in the corner and hair tosses Melina around. Maria hits a bulldog from the corner for two of
her own. she hits a big clothesline in the corner then goes for the bronco buster, but jumps into a boot to the middle instead,
so Melina rolls her up for three.
Winner: Melina
Off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Where's my pizza roll?
Back to the show where Vince comes out to say he's going to shave Donald's head bald,
he has a barber chair and pole set up on the ring entrance. Vince goes on to jabber for a while, but I'm too busy looking
up information on the proposed Saw 4 to really care at all. Vince ends up running a stylized video clip of Umaga crushing
Rey Mysterio because that's obviously the same thing as beating up the representative of Donald Trump because I'm sure he'll
choose a midget to wrestle for him. Umaga, whom visited the local Witch Doctor/Tattoo Artist the other night to get SAMOA
engraved on his gut, is invited out so Vince can finish his boring ass promo. He says he'll be turning Trump into a bald faced
liar because his name is Vincent Kenned (KENNEDY!) McMahon. Trump interrupts on the titantron to say he's impressed with Umaga
but he's an animal and he can tame him with something more vicious. Trump introduces Lashley of course. The crowd sounds like
someone collectively kicked them all in the nuts. Vince asks for some security to keep the two from fighting while they stare
down, then he demands more security. It looks like a fucking black shirt orgy. Umaga and Lashley crush the security and Lashley
spears Umaga to the floor. the fight spills into the announce table.
You know, we could all be reading a book right now.
Random Commercial Thought: TMNT is on the way and you better be ready, someone get the
pizza.
Back to the show. Masters has a Challenge open, but Khali responds. Khali sits down,
but Masters can't even manage to put the hold on him so Kane decides to save us all a lot of pain by coming out and chokeslamming
Masters. He follows by beating on Khali and clothes lining him over the top rope. We then go to the back with Vince on the
phone with someone about something being presented to the board of directors. He says one of the members is going to say they
need a special ref for the match. Vince says he's not so sure about how unfair the ref would be to Coach and no matter who
it is he won't end up looking like a bald headed freak (like Coach?...or maybe...*coughaustincough*). The announcers say the
next HOF inductee shall be announced...when they damn well FEEL like it bitch! Now get your ass to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Black Snake Moan, also known as Trouser Snakes on a Jane.
Back to the show. The inductee is revealed to be The King. The funny thing here is me
and Gersh said to each other at the same time that the only thing he's legendary for is beating up Andy Kaufman, and then
that is one of the defining points shown in the video as well. Afterward, we get a replay of Rated RKO's video from earlier
in the night. Carlito comes out to start a match, but we disappear to commercials without warning.
Random Commercial Thought: Where the fuck did these come from? Warn me next time!
Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Torrie Wilson vs. Kenny Dykstra
Back to the show. Carlito is apparently wrestling Kenny. Kenny puts a stop to Carlito's
early advantage and begins pushing the advantage on Carlito in the corner until the tables are turned. Heavy lefts are followed
by a one man flapjack for two. Carlito bombs the springboard elbow. Kenny starts ramming Carlito's ribs into the ring apron
and takes Carlito back inside to hammer on the ribcage. Carlito tries to fight out, but Kenny catches him with a clothesline
and starts stomping the ribs hard to pick up two more. Kenny switches up to abdominal stretch. Carlito takes a beating for
a bit longer, but finally break free and goers on the offensive. He looks to have it sewn up, but Kenny counters the hurricanrana
into a powerbomb for two. Carlito catches Kenny in the corner with the Apple Jack for three.
Winner: Carlito
Carlito comes to the ring entrance and applauds Carlito while he and Torrie celebrate
and we go to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: What the hell was with those 70's style movie commercials?
Back to the show where they run Edge and Orton getting destroyed by Michaels with a
chair last week. Speaking of those two, here they are. Shawn follows and Cena is out last for the obligatory chick pop.
Team Rated RKO vs. World Tag Team Champions Shawn Michaels & WWE Champion John Cena
(Tag Team Title Match)
Michaels and Edge start off with Michaels on the early advantage but that doesn't last
long when Edge turns the tables. Edge scoop slams Michaels and tags in Orton who misses an elbow drop. Michaels tags in Cena
who starts slinging Orton around, catching him with the fisherman's suplex for two off the rebound out of the corner. Orton
catches Cena with a cheap shot, going into uppercuts and hard rights while Cena is on the ground against the ropes. The crowd
(i.e. girls) rallies for Cena. Cena starts fighting back, but Orton forces him down into the corner for a boot choke. Cena
catches Orton in the corner and he tags in Michaels who goes to town on them. Michaels nails the elbow drop on Orton and then
the atomic drop on Edge. Cena tosses Edge and Michaels goes for the superkick, but Orton ducks. Michaels almost nails Cena
who catches it and puts his leg back down. They stare at each other as we take a break.
Random Commercial Thought: Wild Hogs would be infinitely better if it starred actual
hogs.
Back to the show. During the stare down, Orton and Edge attacked them from behind. Edge
has Michaels on the ground and is working Michaels' back. Edge slams Michaels down for two and tags in Orton who goes in for
some happy stomping. Orton gives up on the kicks and tries a chinlock (take a shot). He actually gets two off the chinlock
and goes for an atomic drop that JR calls inverted. Edge tags in and locks on a sleeper hold. Shawn escape by racking Edge
onto the top rope. Edge and Michaels crawl to the tags and Cena crushes Orton with clotheslines and a shoulder block. Protobomb
and Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena tries the Fu, but Edge grabs Orton to shove him out of it, which sends them into Mike Kiyoda.
All hell breaks loose and Cena catches Edge in the spear for an FU. Cena gets shoved tot he corner though and Orton comes
in with a belt. Shawn takes it from him, clubbing Edge with it in the back then leaving Orton holding the evidence. Edge gets
pissed and leaves Orton to take the superkick and the FU for the loss.
Winners: Cena & HBK
After the match, Cena still seems wary of HBK as we go off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Nitro tells Melina to shut the fuck up finally.
Lowlight of the Night: Khali takes the Master Lock Challenge and gets a clothesline
from Kane. Not looking forward to that match at all.
Eugene Award: Cena and HBK still have the tag team title, leaving the tag team division
in perpetual turmoil.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
