RAW
RANT ARCHIVE (December 2008)
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December 01, 2008
December 08, 2008
December 15, 2008
December 22, 2008
December 29, 2008
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Raw 12.01.08
Show opens with footage of Cena getting the strap at Survivor
Series and Jericho winning the right for a rematch and then the two meeting in the ring with Cena delivering an ass kicking
the likes of which has not been seen since…the week before. We now see Jericho in the lobby with the Men in Black…oh
wait that’s security. He also enters through the crow which is annoyingly loud through the camera microphone. Who’s
bright idea was this? He wines about fans and says he’s accomplished all the goals he set out to accomplish….you
know except for all those titles he didn’t win while Triple H was on this show. Jericho says his son is a John Cena
fan because his son watched Raw while he was not personally on the show. Wow, I’m sorry. He complains that Cena got
him fired in the first place and not all because he wanted to quit and try to have an (lolwut) Music Career. He goes on to
say he wants to scar his son for life when he beats him at
Armageddon.
Oddly, even though this is more than ten
minutes into the show now, they decide to NOW give us the theme and pyro….okay? Next we have an IC Tournament match
between Mysterio and The Miz. Why The Miz is in a tournament for this is beyond me. Furthermore, why are Finlay and Morrison?
There have to be enough Raw guys for a full roster of people. Before Rey makes it to the ring, Morrison mysteriously appears
on the aisle to stare him down. Rey attacks and gets beat down. The ref gives him a proverbial slap on the wrist and Knox
decides to be a good boy for now and leave.
Random Commercial Thought: Samuel L Jackson is in The Spirit. The movie
is officially good.
Back to the show. Rey is apparently hurt now when Steph tells Tard Rey cannot compete because of
a torn ligament. Layla says Regal wants Rey eliminated from the tournament. Stephanie says she couldn’t agree more.
How can you agree in degrees? Can you agree less? Wouldn’t that just be disagreeing? These are the kind of questions
that keep me up at night. And now, CM Punk who was a grand marshal in his home town’s Thanksgiving Day Parade….gay.
He and Kingston will take on Cody Rhodes and Manu. As Rhodes and Manu arrive, we see Orton in the back looking extremely disinterested.
I love how you always see these guys watching TVs in the locker rooms but when they aren’t watching TVs there aren’t
any in the locker room scenes.
World Tag Team Champions CM Punk & Kofi Kingston vs. Cody Rhodes & Manu (Non-title
Match)
Rhodes and Punk grapple about until Punk gains the advantage and drags Rhodes over for Kingston to tag in with
a sunset flip for two. Rhodes comes back and tags out to Manu who clobbers Kingston. Manu tries to toss him to the floor but
Kingston skins the cat and sends Manu out instead before suicide diving. Punk comes into the ring allowing Rhodes to slip
out and slam Kingston into the edge of the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I wish someone would
Re-leash sonic so he’d stop going out and making shitty games.
Back to the match. Manu is tossing his lard around
on Punk, picking up a two count. Rhodes comes in and you can tell he’s been studying some Orton as we see some slow,
boring stomping. Rhodes puts on some kind of Surfboard Stretch until Punk finally slips free. He tries for a tag but Rhodes
grabs the leg and delivers a clothesline for two. Manu tags back in, delivering a “I’m a Generic Fat Guy”
slam. Rhodes is quickly back in and starts mauling Punk on the ground, picking up a two count. Punk tries to come back against
Manu with a Sunset Flip but fails. However he dodges an ass slam. Cody stops the tag again, but this time Punk delivers a
kick to the face and tags in Kingston.
Kingston flips all around, leveling Rhodes with a back rolling Russian Leg Sweep
into the Boom Boom Boom. Manu breaks up a cover, but Punk delivers a bulldog. Rhodes tries to get Kingston from behind (Bro
Rape) during the distraction, but Kingston counters with Trouble in Paradise for the win.
Winners: Punk & Kingston
Random
Commercial Thought: I wish my step brother was Will Ferral.
Back to the show where DX is here to whore out the merch….I
kind of want that Elimination Chamber playset. Why the fuck couldn’t they have that when I was a kid. Michaels has issues
about Christmas Mornings. Just like Grandpa. Elsewhere, Manu and Rhodes run into Orton and ask him what he’s looking
at since he lost last week. Orton says he will not gloat because they beat Batista together and he sees potential in them.
Potential to be pathetic midcarders for the rest of their lives. He tells them if they are interested, he’ll be in his
locker room….It’s a trap! Elsewhere still, Jericho finds Kane by following the obvious red lights. Jericho tries
to hype Kane up to kick Cena’s ass.
Random Commercial Thought: Ozzy Osbourne ate bats. Hmm..How do they taste?
Back
to the show where the announcers talk about Shane and Steph last week before we run the clip. Jillian Hall is here now to
take on Melina. Melina’s entrance, that is in serious need of more mini skirt these days, is interrupted by Santino
and Beth.
Jillian Hall vs. Melina
Jillian starts off strong, beating Melina through the ropes and to the floor.
Jillian follows her outside and keeps punishing back into the ring. Jillian delivers an impressive flipping slam out of a
side slam position and then we get a pretty grey screen to stare at for a little bit. When it leave we find our heroin in
a headlock. Like magic. Jillian sets up for a handspring elbow in the corner but she jumps into a head scissors instead. Melina
tackles for a two count. Melina delivers a jaw buster and headlock take down into elbow drop, but Jillian dodges and comes
back. This is the best match I’ve ever seen out of either of these two. Melina delivers “The Last Call”
which is one of those ridiculous finishers that requires the opponent to stay bent over forever before she delivers a Canadian
Destroyer type flip into power bomb pin.
Winner: Melina
Melina talks some shit on Beth, saying she’s going
to take the belt as Santino talks back. He says anyone can do Melina’s entrance and he will show us. Oh God. Oh God
please no…n-no…NOOOOOOOOO! Melina’s music plays as Santino prepares….and screams in mortal pain. I
think I need a stiff drink. Melina shows him how it’s done and stays that way for a couple of minutes in case you haven’t
seen it before. Elsewhere, JBL is on his way to the ring…yeah, I cared a lot too. That’s why I spent the time
looking at pictures of kittens.
Random Commercial Thought: The New Xbox Experience has birthed a whole new race of
hideous play dough people.
Back to the show where Santino has his balls on ice and gets a surprise massage from Goldust.
SURPRISE BUTTSEX! It’s like having Hornswoggle back. Lillian tells us the following match is a Street Fight. He reveals
to us that his offer to Michaels now since he received no word back on last week is to take part in a Street Fight. Michaels
arrives and is much to my laughter wearing a hunting shirt. JBL gets on the microphone to talk about Shawn being poor now
and himself being rich. He talks more about injuries and such and I kind of zone out. So, how about that local sports team?
Getting their asses beat as usual I suspect? JBL demands to be kicked in the face. I wouldn’t pass up on that. You should
never pass an opportunity to beat the shit out of anyone who demands to be hit. He says if Shawn does take the shot he will
lose the offer forever. Shawn pussies out. Wimp. Michaels takes a walk. JBL tells him he’s looking forward to doing
business and
Michaels pauses…for the cock tease before leaving.
Random Commercial Thought: Hacksaw Jim Duggan
should do everyone’s commercials for them.
Back to the show. Batista is out for a match that I hope is going
to actually happen. He’s taking on….Dolph Ziggler? Oh Jesus, come on. All the times we’ve seen this guy
and this is how he debuts? Dolph introduces himself.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Batista
Dolph offers a cocky handshake.
As opposed to a handy cocks hake which is completely different. He then bitchslaps Batista and talks trash as he delivers
some punches. Dolph runs from Batista out and into the ring back and forth like he’s on Smackdown vs. Raw online. Batista
comes through the ropes yet again and eats a step up enziguiri. Batista comes back hard and Ziggler counter a back drop into
a fat neck breaker, picking up a two count. Ziggler drops several elbows for another two. Batista clobbers Ziggler and goes
for a spear but Ziggler jumps over and beats him into a corner. The crowd is shitting on this right now. Batista tries to
power bomb out but Ziggler kicks his knees out. Ziggler comes off the ropes with a cross body and gets dropped in a spine
buster. Batista finishes with the Batista Bomb.
Winner: Batista
That was weird. Orton now arrives. Why? Who cares.
I think I might go get the last piece of pie instead of caring. No seriously he says nothing important.
Random Commercial
Thought: A young warrior will emerge to face the generic plot that has been thrust upon him.
Back to the show. Tonight’s
show is brought to you by a shitty movie, Punisher: Warzone. Elsewhere, Orton runs into Jericho who suggests they both beat
Cena down after his match. The rest of their conversation is full of random tidbits of trivia you may or may not remember
from the rest of the show. Tonight’s show was brought to you by angst. And now, another IC Tournament Match that might
actually happen. Here’s hoping. We see Layla talking on the phone in the back about talking to Stephanie. You know when
I said things were like having Hornswoggle back? I forgot he was actually going to be here tonight with Finlay. Fuck me.
Finlay
w/ Hornswoggle vs. John Morrison (Intercontinental Title Tournament)
Finlay takes Morrison down with a headlock but
Morrison starts to slip through his slow offense with a trip up. Morrison tries to slingshot into an elbow drop but misses
entirely, allowing a two count from Finlay. It’s a good thing these matches don’t work like they do in the video
game though. If that were true the only offense worth using would be Ultimate Warrior style. Orton and Cena would feel at
home I guess. Morrison delivers a flip kick to knock Finlay off the turnbuckle and goes to a headlock. Finlay powers back
with clotheslines and…clotheslines. A dorky senton picks up a two count. I didn’t know you could make that move
look lamer.
Finlay tosses Morrison to the floor where Hornswoggle approaches and gets his ass kicked. It’s enough
distraction to allow Morrison to kick Finlay. Back in the ring, Morrison trips Finlay up and springboards into a kick to the
back of the head for three.
Winner: Morrison
Random Commercial Thought: Will the Playstation 3 animate my shirt
as well? I’d like mine to be constantly playing Jenna Jameson’s greatest hits.
Back to the show where we
get a preview for that shitty movie Kennedy is in. I’ve seen better trailers by Asylum Films. Also, I laughed at him
actually being Mr. Kennedy in the little credits. Here’s the thing that ate Stephanie McMahon doing her best Paylin
impersonation. She presents the “coveted” superstar of the year nominees. I’m sure you all care. Who the
hell thought we should be doing the slammys? Is Vince going to dance again? She accuses herself of pulling an Adamle in calling
the matches between the nominees wrong. This will b next Monday….an hour early…I fucking hate you Steph.
The
Miz is coming to the ring to have his match after all, but with a new opponent. Who will it be? Will we care? Find out after
this.
Random Commercial Thought: I love how WWE has been devouring more and more of the commercials itself and then
has the audacity to make part of the actual show more commercial.
Back to the show. Miz is waiting for an opponent…and
it turns out to be Rey anyway. Way to make me wait you assholes. Rey has his arm bandaged up now. He forget to paint “Hit
Me Here” on it.
The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio (Intercontinental Title Tournament)
Miz hits him there. Rey
counters with a head scissors into a 619 right off the bat but the top rope splash misses and he lands on his arm. Miz slams
him to the corner before placing Rey up top. Rey fights off a superplex attempt but Miz comes back with a top rope arm breaker
for two. The ref seems to forget what is messed up and asks Rey about his wrist instead. Good going there Clyde. Rey kicks
Miz in the face to open up for a springboard senton. Mysterio comes back with a head scissors and a springboard cross body
but Miz rolls through into a two count. Mysterio tries one of his signature moves that has no name, but Miz counters to a
pin that Mysterio rolls through for two. They both try to roll each other up before Mysterio back kicks Miz in the face for
two.
Miz bombs the most telegraphed clothesline ever that seemed to be signaled all the way from California. Miz crushes
with a back body drop but his neck breaker/knee combo is countered into a roll up by Mysterio for three.
Winner: Mysterio
In
the back, Kane is chilling in his random red room. I wonder why every arena in the nation has a room like that. Furthermore,
I wonder what the applications are for those rooms? Do they develop photos in there?
Random Commercial Thought: Who
is the Alternator Wife?
Back to the show. Here’s Kane. He is big and bald…and here is Cena, he is somewhat
less big and less bald. Let’s watch them fight.
World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. Kane (Non-title Match)
Cena
comes in hard, pummeling Kane until he is eventually crushed with a big clothesline. Kane tosses Cena around, dragging him
out for some shots to the throat over the ring apron. Back in the ring, Kane gets a two count before crushing Cena in the
corner with a clothesline. Kane picks up another two off of a dropkick to a seated Cena. And now, headlocks! Yay! I wish we
could develop a new rest hold for everyone to use that just looks better. Cena tries to fight back but gets flattened by a
side slam for two. Kane climbs up top to check the weight limit of the top rope. He bombs the clothesline and Cena counters
into the STFU. Jericho trots out down the aisle and Cena meets him half way, slamming Jericho into the wall after beating
his ass. Cena returns to the ring and runs into a foot. Should have seen that coming. Cena blocks a choke slam and tackles
Kane. Kane tries another Chokeslam but Cena tosses it off and counters with the FU….effectively
having landed two
moves this whole match.
Winner: Cena
Jericho stands outside the ring, having the look of a guy who just farted and
can’t figure out who to blame it on yet. Cena cuts off his retreat and beats Jericho all around the entrance ramp until
Rhodes and Manu make the save. Cena still fights them off until eventually Randy Orton stomps him flat, accomplishing by himself
what three other guys couldn’t do. Orton delivers a DDT from the ramp to the concrete floor and then everyone else kicks
on him for a bit. Funny they manage to put an add for Prince of Persia and a replay in during this while Jericho puts the
WCW style Walls of Jericho on.
Highlight of the Night: Melina’s first singles match was quite good and entertaining.
I enjoyed it.
Lowlight of the Night: Cena beats Kane with two moves. Boooooo.
WWE “Creative” Award:
Ziggler owns Batista for most of his match…because? ….Exactly.
Raw 12.08.08
Show opens with a video package about the Slammy Awards followed by the usual theme and pyro. I like Jericho was the only superstar up for Superstar of the Year without a phrase for himself so they just had him calling himself “The Best in the World”. Somebody must be singing the National Anthem or the crew forgot to get King and Cole their chairs as they are just standing at the announce table for seemingly no reason. Lillian introduces Maria and Festus to present the first Slammy Award. Festus’ tie is the greatest thing in Sports Entertainment History. You heard it here first. Tag Team of the year has Carlito and Primo, Priceless, Miz and Morrison, and Cryme Tyme, so basically the entire tag team division. Miz and Morrison win despite not even winning the titles any time year. They come out and hug like some queers. They then fight over who gets to hold it. Miz wants them to kiss his hand for some reason. Miz picks on Festus before kicking them
out. They then thanks their families and a bunch of memes…no seriously. They thanks Chuck Norris, Mr. T and Admiral Ackbar. IT’S A TRAP. This goes on way too long. There are so many things I could be doing right now instead. We go straight from this to Morrison’s IC Tournament match. He even slows down on his way down the aisle. Love those expensive special effects. It’s Hollywood material. He should just be happy Michael Bay didn’t make his entrance.
CM Punk vs. John Morrison
CM Punk immediately tries a rollup for two and Morrison counters into his own. High impact maneuvers. Some chain wrestling ensues with Punk attempting a GTS, but Morrison slips out. Punk back kicks him and misses the Pepsi One but stops himself, landing a mule kick for two. Morrison powers back with a dropkick and the fight spills to the floor with Punk catching Morrison with a Pepsi One against the side of the ring. Punk springboards into a Cross body as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Michaels Jackson’s Moonwalker is the greatest video game ever. You “rescue” little girls and dance with enemies.
Back to the show where Punk’s leg is being worked over because he was dumped to the floor on it apparently. Punk tries to come back with a kick and just hurts himself like a retard. That was genius. The thing I think of when fighting is to fling my injured body parts at the enemy. I can only fear what he would have done with a groin pull. Punk delivers a top rope Hurricanrana and leaves himself hurt as well. Punk crawls over for a two count. Somehow Cole manages to fit Pat Patterson into the same sentence as Triple H, The Rock, and Steve Austin. That’s not something I ever though I would hear. Morrison delivers a huge kick to the back of Punk’s head, ducking under Punk’s kick and rising up into his own. It was awesome. He gets a two count.
Punk comes back now with some offense off the ropes for two. Punk hoists Morrison into the GTS, but Morrison counters into a rollup for two. Punk delivers a roundhouse and scoops up for a second GTS which he lands for three.
Winner: Punk and the mysteriously disappearing leg injury
And now a video package about Cena as well as an interview with him. I could tell you what was said here but it’s not important. He’s coming to get Jericho. He keeps repeating Hustle (except when he blows up two minutes into a match…), Loyalty (to…?), Respect (with words like Poopyhead…).
Random Commercial Thought: Magneto seems to have gone bald.
Back to the show where we see our Best Finisher award being given out by Candice and Cryme Tyme. What the fuck are those things JTG is wearing? Glasses? Retard Goggles? They have a finisher name off. Shad wins with the Sharpshooter. Nice. Candice makes an emotionless joke that I think was referencing to oral sex. The first nominee is Taker’s Hell’s Gate submission. The RKO is next despite Orton barely wrestling this year. Evan Bourne and the Shooting Star are next with Big Show being there for his…knock out punch? Is that a finisher? What the fuck? Cryme Tyme tries to steal the slammy until Candice gets it back and they leave. It’s actually kind of awkward. Evan Bourne wins it and Mike Knox appears. He stares face to beard with Candice and takes the trophy. She doesn’t seems to give a shit about giving it to him either. Ho.
And now, Randy Orton. He says apparently despite being champion earlier in the year and having beaten all of the nominees, he still isn’t good enough to be Superstar of the Year. That sounds about right to me. He then goes on a whiny emo fest about his history, starting with Evolution. No mention of who he beat to become champion. I wonder who that was. I spent the rest of this promo watching game play footage of Boogerman. It’s that good.
Random Commercial Thought: Tivo will change your life…and beat your mom.
Back to the show. ECW was the most watched thing on SciFi for 10 weeks in a row. This isn’t because the rest of Sci-fi network’s shows are completely trash or anything. Not even. MVP is here to talk shit on some Philadelphia player. Nobody cares except Philly itself. I like Rocky. And now…it’s MVC…Most Valuable Charlie. Oh…god.
MVC vs. MVP
Charlie imitates MVP in every way entirely with the crowd rallying for MVC. MVP elbows out of a waistlock and tosses Haas around, delivering a neck breaker for one. MVP mounts for some pummeling and covers for another one. Grounded abdominal stretch. I notice Haas has been letting his hair grow back in a normal fashion. Haas works out and fights back, walking into a cheap shot into a face buster. Ballin’ Elbow drop which is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. MVP tosses Haas to the floor. I have to wonder what the hell MVP is supposed to be. What is that bullshit outfit he’s wearing. MVP gets distracted by that guy at ringside and walks back into a punch combo from Haas back in the ring. Haas delivers the Ballin’s elbow drop right into MVP’s knees. MVP pummels Haas and beats him into the corner, but the running kick misses, leaving him hung up for a rollup from Haas for three.
Winner: MVC
Random Commercial Thought: Panormous. So big it crosses THE NATURAL BORDERS OF REALITY.
Back to the show with Matt Hardy presenting Extreme moment of the year. The Cena/JBL Parking Lot brawl, Undertaker being flung from the ladder by Edge, HBK going through the OBSCENELY expensive Jeritron, and Hardy diving from the titantron onto Orton. The slammy goes to Mae Young for taking a scoop slam…no not really. It goes to Jeff “I’m not wearing Women’s makeup” Hardy. That pinstripe suit makes Matt look like a rejected cast member of the Godfather. Jeff tells us the Reader’s Digest version of his life.
And now it’s time for another match that one of the participants conveniently had to already be out at ringside for.
Random Commercial thought: Axe body gel has yet to make a women jump me like I was a shoe sale.
The Match is already underway and Hardy is in control.
Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Jericho
Jeff beats Jericho into a corner but Jericho powers back and delivers a back suplex for two. I’m still trying to figure out why WWE enjoys adding the announcers from all the shows into these types of matches. Jericho tries to dump Hardy but he hangs on the apron before eating the springboard dropkick. Jericho puts on a half Nelson (The other half is still on the Simpsons). For some reason, JR spends this time sucking Jericho’s dick. Jericho comes back with a few flying forearm shots and a leg drop to the “lower abdomen” that is obviously not a low blow at all. Forward suplex or whatever you want to call it, leads to Jeff going up top but meeting Jericho. Jericho is pushed off but dodges the Swanton. Hardy takes a Lionsault for two instead. The Walls are attempted but Hardy kicks him off. Jericho goes right back for another attempt and is rolled up for two instead.
Hardy delivers the mule kick slingshot dropkick to the sternum in the corner. Hardy seems to botch the run for a Whisper in the Wind, and they reset the move up with Hardy landing it, but the Twist of Fate is countered into the Code Breaker.
Winner: Jericho.
In the back Orton and Priceless are having an oiled chest contest…or at least I assume that’s what they are doing just staring at each other as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The Spirit should be an alcohol themes hero.
Back to the show. Kane and Kelly Kelly will present an award here…wait…KKK? OH SHI-
Kelly says many couples have touched hearts and love is a wonderful thing. Kane says he still has a burning sensation and the last time he was involved in a relationship, he tombstoned a priest. I’ll let you guess which part I made up. Glamarella is first up, Edge and Vickie is next, Layla and Regal, and….Finlay and Hornswoggle? That’s an attraction I didn’t want to know about. Edge and Vickie win it. OH JESUS SHE’S HORRID LOOKING. Vickie accepts the award, neck brace and all. Santino and Beth come out to complain about not winning. Santino challenges any of the other couples to a match.
Random Commercial Thought: Three in the morning online is for porn and porn only.
Back to the show. Obviously the ones who accept the challenge are Finlay and Hornswoggle. I am shocked. Shocked I say. Hornswoggle has Santino’s Unibrow which all this time I had through was an insect on his face. Beth crushes Finlay’s hat and Santino slaps him, but gets backslapped clear across the ring. Finlay demands to start with Finlay but Beth wants to be in. He convinces her to sit out eventually. That’s right bitch get back in the kitchen.
Finlay & Hornswoggle vs. Santino Marella & Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix
Santino gets beat right the fuck down. Finlay crushes him into the corner and runs into a kick, but a follow up by Santino is counters into an inverted atomic drop. Hornswoggle tags in and fights Santino while he’s on his knees, delivering a DDT. Horny goes up top and gives a Tadpole splash for the three.
Winners: Horny and Finlay
T-Long (that should be a porn name) and Melina are here to deliver the Diva of the year award. Melina is looking…excuse me I’ll be back later…..oh right the recap. Um Beth, Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, and Michelle McTaker. Beth wins the award who is still in the ring holding Santino up. She drops him and runs up the ramp to get the award. Melina and Beth stare down for a sec and unfortunately do not engage in some sort of lesbian sex scene. I call bullshit. Beth does shove Melina though. Come on wardrobe malfunction….They brawl with Long and Santino watching until Beth is thrown into Santino’s crotch. He proceeds to almost barf and talk in a high squeaky voice. The epitome of comedy. We find out that Triple H and Batista will not face each other anymore, but instead take on Priceless and Orton in a handicap tag match. I suddenly care less.
Random Commercial thought: Magnum PI would have been better with Monk.
Back to the show. Alecia Fox (who?) and Joey Styles are here to give away the OMG award. CM Punk cashes in his MITB, Taker sends Edge to Hell, Mayweather breaks Big Show’s nose (that was stupid), Cena returns to win the Rumble. Punk wins and although he put on a shirt and hoodie, he seems to have forgotten the pants…and right as I wrote that he points it out himself. Dick. He thanks every Philladelphia hero ever, including Rocky. I like Rocky. Did I mention that? He has to have Joey Style say Oh My God for him. I love Joey Styles too. And here are Kofi and Rey to get it on.
Kofi Kingston vs. Rey Mysterio (IC Tournament Semi-final)
Kofi and Rey exchange some quick moves with Rey gaining an early advantage until he has to favor his injured arm. Kofi comes back and pick sup a two count before locking on an arm bar. The arm bar goes on for a while before Kingston flips about out of a 619 and slams Mysterio with an odd dropkick for a two count. Rey tries to come back but Kingston rolls him up in a bridge for two. Kingston leaps at Mysterio in the corner and tries a springboard cross body but nobody is home. Mysterio rolls him up then for a three count.
Winner: Mysterio
That was anticlimactic and rather random. Post match, they shake hands to show they are both faces in case we forgot as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought Drawn to Life was an ass game, I wouldn’t bother mentioning you were the creators of it.
Back to the show. Kennedy and Eve come to present Match of the Year and somebody seems to have randomly hung a microphone there for him to introduce himself as well. Where the fuck do they even get those things? Nominess are WM24’s MITB, the 2008 Royal Rumble, Take vs. Edge Hell in a Cell, and Ric Flair’s last match. Flair’s match wins with Michaels accepting it. JBL interrupts his speech to take the award for himself and leave. Well that was awkward. Not something like that happens to you every day. Isn’t there supposed to be some kind of committee making sure these people actually get their trophies?
Random Commercial Thought: Call of Duty World at War. The most important thing: sending attack dogs after your foes.
Back to the show where we are about to get our Handicap match underway. Priceless is too unimportant to come out to their own theme music which is good because it sucks horribly. Instead they all come out with Orton. It’s not often I ever have the urge to team up with a guy who gave my partner a concussion on purpose but whatever.
Priceless & Randy Orton vs. Triple H & Batista (Handicap Tag Match)
Rhodes and Batista start out and it goes about as well for Rhodes as you might expect it too. Batista beats the holy hell out of him for a little while. Cody looks really awkward as he’s the only person in the ring not wearing dark black trunks. Instead he opted for royal blue. Trips and Batista double team Rhodes, inviting Manu in. He gets his ass kicked as well and is sent to the floor with Rhodes. Orton tries to sneak up from behind but is scared off when Trips and Teest turn to stare him down and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Lance Armstrong outraced his tumor.
Back to the show. As per usual, the commercial break has magically changed the tide. I often wonder why this happens. Do the heels know when we at home are not watching? Is it not important for us to see how the control in a match changes so we always miss the heels taking over? What the hell? Trips is being stomped by Orton and worked into the ground. Many headlocks ensue. Trips throws off Orton, but can’t make the tag before Cody comes in to drag him back. A bull dog attempt has Cody sent flying across the ring. Apparently one little throw is enough to wear whimpy Cody down as much as all that ass kicking did to Trips so Manu and Teest get the tags.
Manu is ran over by a clothesline and dropped with a spine buster. Batista sets up a Batista Bomb, but instead throws Manu into Cody who is leaping off the top. Batista turns in circles trying to figure out who to fight. Orton tags himself in blind on Manu Batista clotheslines Manu. Orton tries an RKO but is thrown into Triple H. Batista tries a Batista bomb while Manu and Trips go to the floor but Cody hits him from behind allowing the reversal into the RKO.
Winners: Priceless & RKO
Random Commercial Thought: TNA’s wrestling game is actually pretty good, if a little shallow by the standards we are used to now.
Back to the show. Ron Simmons and Mickie James give out the “DAMN Moment of the Year” award. We are definitely pushing it now as for awards to give out. What’s next? “Best Gay Joke of the Year”. Nominees: CM Punk attacking Chavo in Mariachi suit, Santino doing the splits, JR and Tazz in costume, and Khali’s kiss cam. Oh. My. God. Oh wait, that’s the wrong award. Khali wins it. Wow he’s dressed up well. Where that hot bitch he has for a wife? Khali’s acceptance speech is the greatest thing ever. Mickie tries to make out with Khali for some reason and Jillian sings a song. I um…and here is Funaki, Finkle, Slaughter, and Duggan. What the fuck is going on? Amidst all this Ron gives hi two cents. Also Mickie does make out with Khali. I am very confused. This was all some kind of fucked up crack dream segment.
Random Commercial Thought: Jewelry Savers, they rescue Jewelry in peril. For a price!
Back to the show. Who is this black guy rapping in the ring? It’s Rtruth or however you spell his name. This is what I get for focusing solely on Raw. I get lost. Here’s a guy whose name is ENGRAVED in my mind. Dolph Ziggler.
Dolph Ziggle vs. R Truth
Dolph offers a hand but Truth shakes his nuts at him Deez Nutz, Nigguh! Dolph attacks hard and fast but Truth comes back and gets wrapped around the rope but Ziggler in a very awkward way that sends him to the floor. Ziggler drops some elbows and picks up a two count. There is some stupid announcer conversation going on about JR being named Frank. Dolph goes to a vicious headlock of death. Truth escapes and takes a few hard rights for his efforts. Truth rams Ziggler hard into the corner, countering an Irish Whip. Truth clotheslines Ziggler to the floor leaps over in a suicide dive. Both men continue to fight outside as Ziggler introduces himself again. Ziggler trips Truth up on his way back into the ring and slips in at the edge of the ten count.
Winner: Ziggler
Dolph introduces himself…as The Winner….Dolph Ziggler.
Random Commercial Thought: Why has Ozzy yet to upgrade to King of Darkness?
Stephanie is here in all her bloated glory to present the Superstar of the Year award. Thankfully there is no dancing at all. Jericho surprisingly wins the award. Apparently Triple H was gone on that meeting decision. Jericho says he knew he would win. This is because he read the script to make sure his lines would be right. He lists off his accomplishments this year and claims to be the one who will win at Armageddon. Cena interrupts this. Cena rushes out to kick some ass and Jericho runs out through the crowd like a little pussy. At least SOMEONE manages to get home with their Slammy award. And now here is Edge, thankfully minus that beard he had developed the last time I saw him. Let the best of Infinity series continue.
Random Commercial Thought: I wish Jack Nicholson ran the tree farm by my house.
Back to the show.
World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. WWE Champion Edge (Non-title Match)
The match is already underway and Cena is having his head worked over in a headlock, the move of champions. Cena fights free but Edge lands a wheel kick for two. Cena rallies back now only to be face planted once more. Edge picks up another two count and decides now is a good time for another rest hold. Yay headlocks! Edge sets up Cena and prepares for a Spear, but Cena tackles him first. Cena goes into his general offense, delivering the proteome and Five Knuckle Shuffle. This takes so long I can only assume Edge was busy doing his taxes in his head. Cena attempts and FU and Edge escapes, trying a clothesline. Cena ducks and goes for it again, but Edge escapes to an Edge-o-matic. Cena counters and breaks back into an FU, but once against Edge slips free. Edge tries a spear, but Cena trips him into the STFU. It is right about there that Jericho comes down the aisle.
Winner: Cena
Cena wins by DQ fighting Jericho back into the crowd and Edge gets up only to be tackled by Triple H. Trips beats him down into the corner before Hardy takes them both down. A Three way brawl breaks out with Hardy being sent to the floor and Triple G delivering a spine buster to Edge. Edge is subsequently sent to the floor. Hardy springboards off the stairs into a dropkick on Edge. Edge decides to get the fuck out of Dodge.
Highlight of the Night: Hardy and Jericho was pretty much the best match on the card. Great showing.
Lowlight of the Night: Kofi and Rey was just an overall disappointing match where not much at all happened, despite the two people who were in it.
WWE “Creative” Award: …Why was there a “DAMN!” award? POR QUE?!
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Raw 12.15.08
Show opens with theme and pyro where the only big news out of Armageddon for Raw…is news of Hardy from Smackdown and JBL now employing Michaels. And now, Kelly Kelly. I wonder if she just raids Michaels’ closet for those chaps. She’s teaming up with Melina who for some reason has two tissues sticking out of her ass. Jillian and Beth arrive in tandem with Santino and her slammy. The strut Santino is sporting here is priceless. Santino pauses for a photo with some chick at ringside as does Beth.
Jillian Hall & Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix w/ Santino Marella vs. Melina & Kelly Kelly
Jillian seems happy to get to start us off with Kelly here. At this time, I’ve seen these two wrestle so much I’ve ceased caring. Kelly starts off with her head scissors and back flip but Beth pulls her down by the hair from behind and Jillian gets a two count before dragging her around by the hair some more. I wonder why hair pulling only ever seems to come into play in women’s matches. Why doesn’t anyone ever throw Shawn Michaels around by his hair? Probably because it would all just come off in one giant clump. Kelly “flips” out of a suplex, but more like “flops”. She tries to get the tag but Jillian stops her by hitting Melina. Kelly rolls Jillian up from behind for the three though. Wow, don’t blink.
Winners: Melina & Kelly
Kane breaks up a heel beat down on Kelly for some reason and then leers over her. You’s Gonna get Raped! Kane backs her into a corner along the ground and offers a hand and the bitch rolls out of the ring. Kane then proceeds to stalk her right back up the ring ramp. Awkward?
Random Commercial Thought: Wearing branches will lead to victory.
Back to the show. During the break Kelly ran by Jamie Noble who got backslapped aside by Kane. Kane cornered Kelly…and told her they need to talk while breathing heavily. SURPRISE BUTTSEX. Rey Mysterio is out now while Rhodes and Manu sit at ringside to watch him beat up Deuce. Why does this guy still have a job? Deuce actually gets introduced while Mysterio’s theme and lights are still playing. Awesome. Deuce is on the microphone demanding to be introduced by his real name. He’s the son of WWE Hall of Famer, Jimmie Snuka. He wishes to be called Sim (Salla bim) Snuka.
Sim Snuka vs. Rey Mysterio
Deuce…I mean Snuka, starts slamming Mysterio around, delivering a tilt a whirl slam and a hard Irish whip to the corner before locking on a chin lock. Rhodes mimics the chin lock at ringside as if he’s learning how to perform such a complicated maneuver. Mysterio breaks free and comes back with a dropkick on the ground. Rey starts to rally back with swift offense, dodging a clothesline only to be press slammed and leveled flat with a huge flying knee to the jaw. Ouch. Snuka picks up two. Snuka tries a power bomb but Mysterio slips out and trips him for a 619. Snuka dives outside to dodge and Rey leaps into a senton. Rhodes and Manu cheap shot Mysterio and a fight breaks out.
Winner: Mysterio
Mysterio makes a run for it only to be tackled from behind by Mike Knox. Knox proceeds to kick Rey’s ass.
Random Commercial Thought: Cox can get you pussy.
Back to the show. DX hocks some more shit for Christmas. They have a King of Kings Triple H bear and a Shawn Michaels bear. I want them to sell Booker Bear again. He’s my hero. Elsewhere in the back Kane interrogates Kelly about “leading him on” and pretends to let her go. He says he knew she felt something. It was probably an intense burning sensation when she pees. Elsewhere still Orton talks to Tard about demanding a rematch with Batista an calling him a coward. Batista shows up randomly from just off camera…it’s like he was there all along! They decide to do it right now, but on the way to the ring Manu and Rhodes sneak attack and a beat down ensues until Cena makes the save.
Random Commercial Thought: Random Racism is the best entertainment ever.
Back to the show where Cena and Teest are chatting about Batista possibly getting a title shot when Tard informs them Stephanie made a handicap match between them and Orton and Priceless. A mummy is in the ring. Oh wait, it’s Jim Duggan. He’s here to get destroyed by Jericho. Jericho is still in his suit. Jericho refuses to wrestle tonight and throws a big baby fit. He’s too good to wrestle Duggan. So I guess Duggan wins! it’s a miracle! Water is wine, the Angels win the pennant, you lost your virginity! In the back, Kane is still all over Kelly. I didn’t really pay attention this time, but it was uncomfortable all the same.
Random Commercial Thought: Blood flavored donuts are the snack of the future.
Back to the show where Kane is still verbally raping Kelly. Damnit when does the sex start? At ringside, William Regal and Layla sit at the throne while Punk comes out to try and get the tag team title back (good luck with that ha).
CM Punk & Kofi Kingston vs. World Tag Team Champions John Morrison & The Miz (Tag Team Title Match)
Kofi starts us off with the Miz. Kofi gains the early advantage working over the arm before tagging in Punk. Kofi delivers a suplex for Punk to leap in and pick up a two count. Punk slams Miz down a second time for another two. Kofi tags in a nice series of tandem moves commences, ending with a two count. Punk is back in with Miz trying to boot him in the corner. Punk blocks it and Miz trash talks him. Punk chases Miz to the floor where Morrison intercepts. Punk ends up beating off both of them, getting a two count off. Morrison tries to come back in but Kingston tosses him. Kingston feints a suicide dive and hilariously taunts the scared heels before Punk suicide dives instead.
Random Commercial Thought: I enjoy rubber….what?
Back to the show where Kingston is getting owned by Morrison. He breaks free and makes a hot tag to Punk. Punk levels both heels and kicks them both down in the corner only to be gorilla press slammed from the apron by the Miz. Miz and Morrison deliver their slingshot elbow drop move. What the fuck do they call that? Morrison picks up a two count off it. Morrison locks on a gay body scissors. I’ve never seen a body scissors that didn’t look gay.
The Miz is back in and they try for the Doomsday Device, but Punk counters by throwing Morrison off and superplexxing Miz. Kofi’s dancing always makes it look like he needs to pee. Morrison and Kofi are in with a top rope cross body and dropkicks from Kofi. Boom Boom Boom follows for two. Kofi delivers the most awesome move I have ever seen out a clothesline counter. I can’t even describe what this flipping thing was. Miz breaks up the pin and he and Punk fall to the floor. Morrison kicks out of a body scissors roll up at two. A Springboard cross body from Kingston bombs and Punk breaks upa pin by Morrison when Kingston eats a springboard kick. Miz and Punk go to the floor again after Kofi dumps Miz, and Morrison picks up the win with the Moonlight Drive.
Winners: Miz & Morrison
Kane comes to the ring and Chokeslams Miz, while booting Morrison out. He then delivers a tombstone to Miz. About time somebody finally fucking did that.
Random Commercial Thought: Why the fuck is Santa trying to sell me a motorcycle?
The Steelers are in the house. Absolutely no one of importance cares. And here is JBL. What proceeds is a replay of Michaels giving a speech on being a poor son of a bitch. You can suck on my dick. He doesn’t want to become a wrestling tragedy…like most of his former tag team partners. JBL silently leaves after the footage and Candice and Mickie are seen consulting Kelly. She seems pissed to find out Kane kicked Miz’s ass. Why would ANYONE be upset about that?
Random Commercial Thought: I’m waiting for these new Monk episodes with bated breath.
Back to the show with Dolph Ziggler who is here to have a match with…Santa…Cla-haas….god…Santa gives away presents to kids at ringside. They’re all Charlie Haas gear I bet. Ziggler holds out for a handshake and Santa puts a gift in his hand. Ziggler tosses it aside as huge Santa chants begin. Nobody has gotten a pop like this.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Santa Claus
Ziggler attacks and beats Santa into the corner only to get his ass kicked. Santa delivers a belly splash and Ho Ho Hos (Kelly Kelly isn’t here man). Ziggler delivers a dropkick and starts dropping elbows for two. Ziggler puts Santa in a headlock. He’s destroying my childhood. Ziggler continues to put the beat down on, grinding his boot into Santa’s stupid fake whiskers. Ziggler goes back to the Randy Orton playbook for more vicious headlocks.
Ziggler continues to tell us who he is before Santa minus his beard dodges an elbow drop. Shuffling combo into a side dropkick from Santa. The belly splash in the corner misses and Ziggler lands a big leaping reverse DDT for the win.
Winner: Ziggler
Ziggler reveals Haas to be a sham. WWE, we’re kid friendly now. We get a video package about Behind Enemy Lines 3, in which we actually see a missile in a rearview mirror with “Objects in Mirror maybe be closer than they appear”. Uhg…
Random Commercial Thought: It’s official, Sean is the most over used name ever.
Back to the show where Cryme Tyme approach Hacksaw and tell him it’s time. Oh shit they’re taking him to the afterlife. Elsewhere, Stephanie tells Jericho she expects him to wrestler when she demands it. She also demands he dance. Jericho tells her she isn’t doing a good job as the boss and Batista doesn’t have a rematch clause that extends long enough to allow him to win it now. Stephanie has former champions competing in one on one matches to get into a Fatal Four Way Elimination match for the shot to be up against Cena. Elsewhere still, Orton, Rhodes and Manu talk about their failed attack on Batista. Why were they already oiled up for that? Batista is on his way to the ring now as we go back to commercial yet again.
Random Commercial Thought: Pirate hats make good cymbals.
Back to the show. Oh God, has the crowd been suffering through Batista’s theme all this time? I pity them. Cena is out next with everyone else coming out to Orton’s music. Have they renamed Manu and Rhodes to Orton’s Little Bitches yet?
Batista & WWE Champion John Cena vs. Manu & Cody Rhodes & Randy Orton (Handicap Tag Match)
Manu and Batista start off with some tests of strength. Manu forces Batista to the corner where the break is forced. Manu comes in with some knees to the gut and hard shots, sending Batista reeling until he takes a reverse elbow. Batista pummels Manu into the corner. It looks like he’s beating on some dough with Manu’s physique. Cena tags in and slams Manu for a two count before Cody tags in. Cody seems less than enthused. Cena seems unimpressed. What the fuck is wrong with Cody’s cheekbones? Does he put makeup on them or are they just naturally a fucked up brownish color? Rhodes delivers a shoulder block but Cena takes him with a headlock.
Rhodes gets beaten into the face corner where Batista comes back into add some more hurting. A solid shoulder block leads to a stalling suplex. This match is running the slowest possible for a handicap tag match. They gave it way too much time to run. We still have at least twelve minutes of time to fill for tonight. When Rhodes acts in pain he always looks more like he’s moaning. That could explain a few things. Cena nails a bulldog after a tag to pick up a two count. Batista tags right back in and works over the arm while Orton begins to do his best Kofi Kingston dance impersonation on the apron. Rhodes catches Batista with a reverse elbow in the corner and comes off the top with an axe handle. Rhodes stomps Batista down and Orton demands a tag.
Batista just knocks Orton flat and crushes him into the corner with a cltohesline. Running boot leaves Orton flattened. Orton comes back now, stomping Batista down into the ground before having a weird Elvis moment and spinning on his heel. “Thank you. Thank you very much.”
Random Commercial Thought: We need a new, good, boxing film. It’s been far too long and the generic street fighting and kickboxing movies aren’t the same thing.
Back to the match where the heels are still destroying Batista in their corner. Orton tags in and stomps Batista all around the ring, talking some shit while he does. Manu tags in and does much of the same before tagging out to Rhodes…who does the same. I didn’t see this much stomping in fucking Stomp the Yard. Orton tags back in and puts on a headlock after some stomps. Batista suplexes out. Orton should have stuck to the stomping. Cena and Manu are in with Cena destroying Manu with his general offense. The Protobomb leads to a Five Knuckle Shuffle as Cena dares the heels to stop him from doing it. Cena scoops Manu for the FU but Orton distracts the ref for Rhodes to dropkick him, allowing Manu to fall his fat ass on Cena. Cody makes the tag and picks up a two count.
Orton back in now. He tosses Cena to the apron and sets up for his DDT from the middle rope, leveling Cena with it for two win Batista breaks it up with the slowest count break ever. Manu makes the tag now, beating Cena into a corner and delivering a huge body splash comboing into a clothesline. Manu picks up two. Rhodes now with a flying attack to the arm before Cena starts fighting back. Cena misses a corner charge and Rhodes goes up top for a big moonsault for two. Rhodes mounts for some punches. God damn this match is really fucking long. Russian Leg Sweep from Rhodes. Cody exposes his knee and drops it on Cena’s head for another two. Cena dodges another knee drop and Batista makes the tag.
Batista comes in with clotheslines and a Powerslam. Batista stops Manu and Orton from coming in with clotheslines and delivers a spine buster to Rhodes. Batista goes for the Batista Bomb but Orton throws Manu into Batista and delivers the RKO. Orton yells at Priceless to attack Cena on the floor before going for the soccer kick while the ref DQs everyone for what’s going on on the outside.
Winners: Cena & Batista
Cena makes it back into the ring and stares Orton and Priceless down. Yay! Owen Hart voices. It’s Tragedorable.
Highlight of the Night: Miz got a tombstoned! Yeah!
Lowlight of the Night: The diva’s tag match was short and pointless filler. Why were there even two other divas there?
WWE “Creative” Award: Kane and Kelly Kelly…lolwut?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Raw 12.22.08
Show opens with a Christmas Message from Santino and Beth. He wants to tell the children the truth about Santa Claus and when Beth tries too stop him he tells her to Shut-uppa her face. Cena interrupts to tell him he never got the Barbie Doll house he wanted. He asks who told him. Priceless. Santino ends up challenging Cena to a match against him and Beth and Cena thinks about Goldust who is conveniently there. Santino demands an opponent with ovaries. He says he’ll reveal the true secret of “Santy Claus” when they win. The secret is, Santa is a dirty drunk and shows up late every Christmas night to mercilessly beat his wife while he makes the reindeer and elves watch, all the while screaming “Why do serious?!”
Theme and usual pyro before Kane arrives to the ring accompanied by Kelly Kelly. Kane grabs a microphone and says he was ordered to apologize to Kelly for last week. He actually does. Aw, isn’t that sweet? Even psychopaths can feel Christmas Joy. Besides, Kane is only attracted to lifeless corpses. Kane then says she will regret lying about The Miz some day before we are greeted by Shawn Michaels.
Kane vs. Shawn Michaels
Michaels starts off on the offensive, but Kane powers back with a boot to the face, beating Michaels into the corner with rights. I’ve always enjoyed the way Kane delivers punches. It matches his character well and isn’t exactly mimicked by anyone else in the company. At least until Charlie Haas gets around to it. Kane delivers a dropkick on the round to pick up a two count before locking in a headlock. Kane continues to smash Michaels around and pick up two counts. Not a whole lot to talk about here beyond “Blarg, Kane smash, blarg!” followed by pins. Michaels fights back with some chops and lands the flying forearm. Nip up, but Michaels is caught in a Chokeslam, only to counter into the move that totally does not belong to the guy who shall not be named, the Cripple Crossface. Kane stands up into the crossface and side slams Michaels for two. Kane heads up top and delivers his flying clothesline. And since it makes perfect sense, Michaels then
delivers Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere. Of course. One move is enough.
Winner: Michaels
Shawn advances in the Race to the Rumble (stop practicing your alliteration on me).
Random Commercial Thought: Death Race. The gift that keeps on giving…mental anguish.
Back to the show where we get the video package of ultimate genericness involving the history of Manu, Rhodes and Orton. And lo and behold nobody gave a shit. Also a black man is here. Hide your white women.
Manu w/ Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston
Kingston starts off fast, working over Manu but a break is forced and Manu runs him over with a heavy clothesline. Kofi tries to kick his way out of the corner but he instead hung up in the ropes and slammed hard to the mat. Kingston comes back with swift offenses and a top rope cross body. He ducks a clothesline from Manu, sending him down and fucks up the Boom Boom Boom but does it anyway for two. It looked funny to watch him stumble forward. Kingston tries a springboard cross body and you think he would learned to stop it because once again he gets caught, but Kofi manages to reverse into a cross pin for the three.
Winner: Kingston
Elsewhere, Cena appears to be talking to Kelly. He should be aware that the last guy who was even insinuated to be doing so got his ass kicked. Then again, it was the Miz. Who cares?
Random Commercial Thought: PS3 is the movie downloading machine? I guess it needs to be useful for -something-.
Back to the show. Sim Snuka has approached Orton to want to be in the group. Orton tells Manu and Rhodes he doesn’t want to hear anything before insinuating Manu might be getting replaced. And now, a completely unfunny and long DX commercial that involves hair loss and choking. Just like Christmas at home. In the back, CM Punk and Michaels are talking about the elimination match saying that it would be the first time he and Punk are in the ring at the same time. Triple H appears like batman to say they need to talk. Gotta be on Raw one last time before Christmas. He says he should have come to him for money. Only in the wrestling world does it make sense to brush off another wrestler standing by but leave the cameraman before you talk about personal issues.
Random Commercial Thought: The Spirit should be a wine themed super hero.
Back to the show. Jillian is in the ring already singing Christmas songs. She’s thankfully interrupted by Mickie and Melina who ride on top of one another and jump over each other like the worlds worst choreographed cheerleading session. We have Regal on the mic for this match as it involves Layla (you got me on my knees?).
Melina & Mickie James vs. Layla & Jillian Hall
Melina wrestles Layla to the ground. Melina pants are painted more like a custom car than pants. Mickie tags in for a double team arm drag and delivers a dropkick for a weak one count. Mickie has to fight Jillian off on the apron as well as Layla but eventually Jillian manages to push her off the turnbuckle to the floor. Layla picks up a one count as well. Weaksauce. Pick up the pace bitches. Layla works over the leg and tags in Jillian who drops an elbow on it for two. Mickie finally breaks free and makes the tag and Melina delivers a big face buster (I guess you could call it that, at least that’s what I’ll say it was, you won’t know any better). Melina tries to flip out of a tilt a whirl, but it’s botched and the crowd shits on it as Melina pulls off her curtain call move. Layla breaks up the pain and a clusterfuck ensues with Jillian landing a face buster for two. Mickie breaks up the pin but she and Layla tumble to the floor. Melina
delivers the move that is quite a lot like the Canadian Destroyer but I forget what she calls it.
Winners: Mickie & Melina
Random Commercial Thought: The Day the Earth Stood Still Because Keanu Reeves Still Can’t Act was too long of a title.
Back to the show. Rey Rey is here and gets the good news that Mike Knox was given the night off. However his beard is still pulling a double shift. Rey is taking on JBL.
JBL vs. Rey Mysterio
JBL forces Rey to the corner and leans in like he’s about to go for the fucking reach around. Rey tries to get a break but is decked by a hard right, letting the stomping and punching begin. Love the technical prowess. JBL tries a power bomb, but Rey counters into a trip for the 619. JBL slips to the floor and Rey delivers a cross body as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Second is only the first loser.
Back to the show. Rey is getting tossed around with a fall away slam and JBL continues to work him over on the ground. Rey comes back with some kicks to the knee and tries a sunset flip which picks up two. JBL runs him over with a clothesline and picks up a two count as well. What is the difference between his regular clothesline and the clothesline from hell? About one second I guess. JBL drops several elbows for another two count. Rey rolls through the legs know and dropkicks the legs before dropkicking the head for a two count as well. JBL proceed to literally toss Rey from the ring like he weighs five points. JBL leave shim on the floor and Rey barely crawls into the ring at a nine count.
This match is obviously a deep allegory for the state of our country and racial inequality in amount of income with the whites obviously controlling more than the have-not Hispanics. Or, it might just be they wanted to have this same match for the millionth time. JBL continues to clothesline Rey around and pick up close counts. Rey tries to fight back only to be locked into a sleeper hold. Rey escapes and puts his own on only to be throws into the corner. Mysterio comes back with a head scissors and bulldog for two. He then proceeds to forget to check the oncoming traffic for feet and runs into a boot. JBL picks up a two count and tries for a clothesline but Rey holds the ropes and delivers a kick only to fall into the Fall-away slam. JBL tries to toss Rey over the ropes with it only for Rey to grab the ropes and flip around into a kick for two. Enziguiri sends JBL reeling and a dropkick sets up the 619. Michaels makes the save and pulls JBL out of the
way before delivering a pride obliterating bitch slap.
Winner: JBL
Well that was predictable.
Random Commercial Thought: Warcraft is stupid. Why are people still playing it? How many of my readers can I possibly alienate this week? Stay tuned to find out!
Back to the show. Replay of Batista receiving a foot to the head. This is pretty common in wrestling but when Orton does it, it ends careers. Orton arrives for his match with Batista but the Teest is announced as unable to wrestle and thus he auto-wins. Orton gives a speech, noting that he won his World Title in this very arena…against someone who is totally not Chris Benoit. Not even. Orton defeated himself. Orton continues this impromptu acceptance speech for a while before we go to commercials. I’ve never really received something for nothing and decided to give a well planned out speech on it on the spot.
Random Commercial Thought: Jesus, aren’t there any other movies out?
Back to the show where in the back Kelly meets Dolph Ziggler and then Miz and Morrison who are pissed about the ass kicking. They say he room was broken into her room by “someone” and leave her. Off to ringside for Jericho and CM Punk. This match has been happening quite often this year. Big chants for Jericho here tonight.
CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho
Punk scares Jericho into a corner after a brief tie up. I would be afraid of those dry clammy hands too. Jericho puts Punk down with a shoulder block but they’re both up and Jericho goes to the headlock. Jericho takes punk down with the headlock. Punk counters with a head scissors before delivering his own headlock take down. They have a long drawn out conversation on the mat. Probably discussing philosophy at this point before finally the action picks back up with Jericho gaining the advantage in the corner with clotheslines. Punk leaps over another and delivers a springboard cross body. Punk works Jericho with his kicks eventually sending him down.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m wondering why USA network is even called that. Why USA? Do they represent everyone in the country? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Back to the match where the crowd is still hot for Jericho. Punk des his tarantula-like move in the corner before Jericho begins to power back, putting on a half-nelson and wrestling Punk to the ground. Punk works up only to be put down by a rising knee. Jericho delivers some sharp kicks and racks Punk up top. Punk fights free of the superplex and throws him off before delivering a big cross body for two. Punk decks Jericho with the wind off of a right punch because he sure as fuck didn’t come anywhere near actually hitting him. Jericho tries a cross body but Punk counters with a Powerslam for two.
Jericho escapes a suplex and throws Punk off, delivering the bulldog, but Punk catches him on his shoulders from the lionsault into the GTS, but as he’s dropped, Jericho counters it into the Walls of Jericho. Nice maneuver there, very cool. Punk manages to almost roll himself up, but Jericho pushes him out and drags him further from the ropes. Punk rolls under finally and kicks Jericho off, countering a second attempt at the Walls. Punk comes back with a knee to the jaw but only gets two. Punk tosses Jericho into the corner, for the Pepsi One, but the bulldog is countered. Punk catches himself in the corner out of the toss off, and nails a super kick. Punk springs from the apron off the ropes right into the code breaker.
Winner: Jericho
Awesome match. The crowd just jazzed in their pants.
Random Commercial Thought: I demand porn music play whenever someone delivers food to me.
Back to the show where we get a video package about the troops and the WWE superstars. I think I’d demand the divas put out if I was risking my ass or they can just GTFO with that cock-teasing bullshit.
Random Commercial Thought: Is the internet so necessary you need it tiny and on you all the time?
Back to the show. I’m not sure how I feel about Santino being in the main event. This is nothing short of weird. Eesh, Beth may wish to lay off some of the roids, she’s starting to sport some Hulk arms. Not even She-hulk. Big crowd rallying for Santino. He wants to point out a girl named Rosa Mendez who is the world’s biggest Santino fan…despite the large Beth Phoenix sign and shirt. Santino calls Canada second place to the US which is so true. Haha, Canada….our little brother. Cena interrupts the secret again, that Santa is actually the brother of Big Boss, Big Beard. Cena says the secret is that Santa is actually here, and he even shook hands with Ziggler. He says he gave him a Christmas Wish, a new tag team partner….Trish Stratus. Crowd is hot for Stratus in more ways than one.
Santino Marella & Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix vs. World Heavyweight Champion John Cena & Trish Stratus (Mixed Gender Tag Match)
Santino demands he starts off and tries to use the Puffer Fish technique of making himself appear larger by drawing in air. Unfortunately he is neither poisonous nor covered in spines. Santino gets his ass kicked and runs for the tag to Beth. Cena tags in Trish. Beth talks some shit and pushes but Trish powers back with forearms and the dodges with the Ma-trish. Stratus pummels Beth into the corner and delivers some chops before being lifted in a double handed choke and dumped into a corner by Phoenix. Santino and Beth try to double team but Trish fights out and throws Beth into Santino’s balls and not the way he’s used to. Trish delivers the Stratusphere to Santino on the top turnbuckle, but Beth tackles her from behind.
Beth picks up a two count. Beth begins to deliver several backbreakers before being dragged around by her hair caveman style. Cena Sucks chant begins. Beth eats a bulldog out of some weird move and Cena tags in to big boos, delivering his usual offense to Santino. Santino eats the five knuckle shuffle but Beth blocks an FU only to take a Chick Kick. Cena finishes things off with the FU on Santino.
Winners: Trish & Cena
Highlight of the Night: CM Punk and Jericho was the best match I’ve seen between the two on Raw, despite them having so many.
Lowlight of the Night: Rey and JBL’s match had an annoying ending that made it’s length just a really huge let down.
WWE “Creative” Award: The Randy Orton non-match was pointless and just time consuming. Woo hoo.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Raw 12.29.08
Show opens with theme and pyro and Rey is already in the ring. He’s on the mic to bitch about Shawn Michaels because that’s what fussy little midgets do when they’re fusty, whine like little girls. He calls out Shawn Michaels who obliges before demanding that they face off for his slot in the Fatal Four Way. Michaels decides to take a page form the William Shatner book of acting and replies with a disturbingly long awkward pause before accepting. JBL cuts things off after that to say Michaels refuses because he wishes to keep his ace in the hole in for the fatal four way match. Shawn is ordered to leave and Rey calls him a soulless man before being destroyed by Mike Knox. In case you forgot WWE WANTS YOU TO KNOW MIKE KNOX HATES REY. Cena makes the save after a while. You could tell who was coming out by the roaring girlgasm that proceeded his arrival.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m pretty sure Guitar Hero has made me better at life.
Back to the show where in the back Orton is talking with the other second generation superstars about the new Legacy faction. They all have singles matches tonight they have to win to qualify for membership. I think they should all have to defeat their fathers. That should be satisfyingly terrible. Cody Rhodes is up first and he’s taking on CM “I lose to everyone” Punk. Before the match can get started William Regal arrive to oversee things with his side arm bitch. Apparently his match with Punk will be next week. There’s a retard at ringside on his cell phone bobbing his head like he’s in Night at the Roxbury.
CM Punk vs. Cody Rhodes
Lots of head lock take downs from each man. Punk picks up a two count before Cody tries a flip over bridge for two of his own. They continue to trade weak moves to covers. CM Punk is sporting a large blue bruise today on his thigh. Looks like somebody likes it rough. I wish I understood people like Punk who get tattoos of stupid shit on themselves like the Pepsi Logo or Cobra Command’s logo. Punk comes back and lands a high cross body but Rhodes rolls through and picks up the two count. Rhodes escapes a GTS to the apron only to eat a roundhouse kick. Punk suicides through the ropes into Rhodes and into the announce table. They continue to brawl outside, but Regal distracts Punk for a 10 count, allowing Cody to sneak in and win.
Winner: Rhodes
Punk delivers the Pepsi One to Rhodes post match but Regal catches him with a running knee lift to the forehead. Cena is in the back complaining that Steph made him be on commentary for the main event instead of doing something. He demands something awesome for the Last Raw of the year (aw, already? Darn). He demands a match that changes life on this planet. Where’s Sean Staziak when you need him? Pimping for a Diva Battle Royal for title shot privileges. I wonder if Melina will win? Naaaah.
Random Commercial Thought: No Johns.
Back to the show where Goldust does a Christmas poem that is so pathetically creepy and unfunny I think I died a little more inside. Replay of how Batista was put out of commission by Orton. We are told Batista had two teeth knocked out and just conveniently decided to have a surgery done on his leg too which isn’t at all the real reason for this. This all leads to a video about it because you totally care. I wonder if they plan to go in and remove all that permanently settled male growth hormone. And now. A Diva battle royal…hey where are you going?
Random Commercial Thought: The Irish brought the concept of Fried Chicken to America and thus are the original heroes of the ghetto.
The match is ready to start as Santino and Beth join for announcements.
Diva Battle Royal
Candice lasts all of a second, being eliminated before the announce team even finish explaining all the rules. Kelly Kelly gets tossed while the camera is more focused on Katie Lea and Melina. Mickie takes a breather while Jillian Hall teams up with Katie Lea on Melina. Finally Mickie just comes from behind (haha, anal penetration) and dumps the heels. Melina and Mickie begin to fight, flipping around a little before Melina is rammed to the corner. Mickie tries to push he up and out, but is kicked away. Mickie charges Melina against the ropes but is dumped. Mickie hangs onto the apron and tries to fight back in only to be knocked to the floor.
Winner: Melina
After the match Beth comes to the ring to deliver a pride obliterating bitch slap. Melina fights back on the floor and beats Beth onto the announce table. Beth’s biggest fan then makes the save. Seriously. She screams her love for the glamazon as she is hauled away. Elsewhere, Jericho asks Tard why he’s been named the Jerk of the Year by WWE magazine. He says he does what he says he will, but the rest of us will make New Year’s resolutions that we will break a year later. Yeah, last year I swore I would stop kidnapping Mexican children and selling them to Medical Labs and we all know how -that- worked out.
Random Commercial Thought: Bro Rape is not okay.
Back to the show. Sim Snuka is up for his match and he’s taking on Jimmy Snuka!…oh wait that’s SuperHaas Charlie Snuka. It’s a work of art.
Sim Snuka vs. SuperHaas Charlie Snuka
Sim works the wig off of Charlie’s head right away and beats his ass all around the ring. He wedges his head between his knees, which is a skill all real men should have before slamming Haas’ face to the mat. Haas kicks out at two and comes back with classic Snuka striking offense. Sim runs him over with a heady clothesline and picks up another two count. Not all men can pull off a pair of cheetah print underwear as ring attire you know. Snuka works Charlie over his knee and Charlie begins to come back with more classic Sim offense. He leap frogs twice into the double chest slap and the flying forearms for a two count. Charlie catches Snuka out of a cross body and slams him down before replacing his wig and going up top! Nice knowing you Charlie. The Superfly taunt into the splash leads to Sim getting the knees up and delivering a bit side kick to the head for three.
Winner: Snuka
There is a ten man tag match coming up that Stephanie plans to send off Raw for the year with.
Random Commercial Thought: Bowflex has FREEDOM ARMS. It’s the only thing more American than Freedom Fries.
Cena is out for the match followed by Mysterio who is wearing a hood that looks one part Imperial Royal Guard and one part Skeletor. Their mysterious tag team partners are Kofi Kingston and Cryme Tyme. This team looks like some kind of Ghetto backyard wrestling crew. They probably stole all the parts for their ring too. The Miz and John Morrison are teamed with Kane, Dolph Ziggler, and Mike Knox. Ironically, Mike Knox is ironically the least important person here who started all this retardation. Also, Michael Cole decides Dolph never wrestled Batista and is now undefeated. I wish I could change records that easily. I’d start with my sexual conquest records.
Dolph Ziggler & Mike Knox & Kane & World Tag Team Champions Miz & Morrison vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Cryme Tyme & Rey Mysterio & Kofi Kingston (10-Man Tag match)
Dolph starts off with JTG and demands a handshake. He uses it to toss JTG to the ropes but gets a face buster for his troubles. Shad and JTG team up with some double team action in the corner before Shad comes in to crush Dolph in the corner. Dolph dodges a second charge and Morrison tags in. Shad runs him over with a clothesline that sends him flipping through the air. Kofi is in now, working the arm and getting a one count. King demands JR style commentary from Cole who does not comment at all on it. Morrison eats some big clothesline and Cryme Tyme invites all the heels in. Both teams are in the ring as the tiny ref tries to hold the stare down at bay.
Random Commercial Thought: Five dollars for a foot long is cheap plastic surgery.
Back to the show where Kofi escapes being beat into the dirt to tag in Mysterio. The Miz gets completely rocked with high flying offense and a head scissors. Mysterio lands a kick to the head for two. He sends Miz reeling with another kick, but the senton is caught and Kane punches Rey from the outside with an uppercut to allow a powerbomb pin by Miz for two. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what The Miz’ character is supposed to be and why I should care. Knox tags in and Cole tells us the beard’s age. I can only assume he cut it in half and counted the rings personally. Knox is thankfully only in for a moment before Ziggler tags in with a headlock so vicious even Orton thinks it was over acted. Morrison comes in and sets Mysterio up top but Mysterio delivers a dragonrana. Cena and Knox are in with Cena going into the standard offense. He has to duck the tag champs where Cryme Tyme makes the save. Kofi stops a Kane choke slam before Ziggler
and Knox both eat proteome. Kofi and Cena cross up for the Shuffle and Boom Boom Boom at the same time. This is fucking funny. Dolph takes Trouble in Paradise and falls to the floor before Knox eats an FU. Rey makes the tag and in comes the Frog Splash finish.
Winners: Cena, Cryme Tyme, Mysterio & Kingston
In the back Michaels is asked about the main event. He replies that he is Mr. (losing at) Wrestlemania and he’s only concerned with stealing the show.
Random Commercial Thought: If you want more muscles in your penis press up on the D-pad.
WWE was the #2 Yahoo search…right behind anal fisting. Kelly reveals in the back the guy she was for is Orton and he says he just used her LIKE EVERY OTHER MAN SINCE SHE WAS 13. Manu is ready for his match with…Matt Hardy. I call shenanigans. King calls him Smackdown’s Matt Hardy which is close enough. It’s one of those guys.
ECW Champion Matt Hardy vs. Manu (Non-title Match)
Manu starts off strong, putting the muscle to Hardy. He clotheslines Hardy’s stomach which is an odd choice of placement for the move, picking up a two count in the process. Hardy comes back with some strikes of his own, catching Manu in the chin with a kick and dumping him to the floor. Hardy dives through the ropes with a baseball slide. Hardy elbow drops for two. I wonder if Hardy has decided to upgrade from Version 1 to Matt Hardy Vista yet? Manu comes back with a head butt, delivering a dropping head butt follow up for two. Manu continues to work Hardy over, dropping head butts because self-concussion is the greatest weapon of them all. Hardy dodges a huge splash from Manu and comes back with a series of clotheslines for two. Hardy drops Manu with the side effect.
This match has anti-heat. Nobody fucking cares about Manu at all. Hardy only picks up two but Many comes in with a roll up, just getting two as well. Manu runs into an elbow in the corner. Manu strikes at the neck and delivers a neck breaker for two as this match drags on for eternity. Hardy drop toes holds Manu in the corner and tries to drag him out into a bulldog. Manu slips out and lands a dropkick for two yet again. Manu crushes Hardy in the corner with a body splash repeatedly. Hardy holds onto the top rope to avoid a Samoan Drop, slipping out into the Twist of Fate for the win.
Winner: Hardy
Is it just me or does the ECW title look like it’s made of aluminum?
Random Commercial Thought: I’m wondering why I have to see these Kennedy buffer segments. No one will ever see this movie who matters.
Back to the show where the Race to the Rumble match is about to get underway. Orton is on his way out first. I have never heard this much of Orton’s retarded theme song ever before, what the fuck is taking him so long to get to the ring? Shawn Michaels trots along out next and at least he makes decent time considering his age. Jericho is next up. JBL is last up and everyone simply stares down as things are getting underway. The rules for this are ridiculous. Two men in the ring at a time, and you can tag anyone in or out. When eliminated you leave.
Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels vs. JBL vs. Randy Orton (Four Man Elimination Match)
Jericho and Michaels start off. They trade quick offense and attempted pins before Michaels dumps Jericho to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: You can’t beat the flavor of freshly clubbed baby seal.
Back to the match where it is now Orton and Jericho. Orton is in control but Jericho turns it around with a dropkick for two. Jericho pummels Orton to the corners and stops an attempted reversal with a kick only to be caught in Orton’s Powerslam for a two count. Jericho is looking for the Wall of Jericho now with a trip on Orton as Cole puts it. I would recommend he try looking at his house for them. They are probably holding up the roof. Orton is dumped to the floor after twisting out. Orton comes back with a hard clothesline and tags out to Michaels. Michaels is immediately beat down and put up on a turnbuckle. Jericho is tossed out of the superplex attempt by a head butt just like everyone else who has ever tried one. Michaels delivers the elbow drop and tunes up the band but JBL tags himself in. JBL misses the clothesline from hell and eats the code breaker so Michaels breaks it up at two. Shawn tags himself back in as Jericho is trying to put the
Walls on JBL. It ends with Michaels delivering Sweet Chin Music out of the walls.
Random Commercial Thought: Elf should never be shown to anyone. Especially not at Christmas time.
Back to the match. Orton is being worked over by JBL. JBL has a sleeper hold locked in, but Orton fights in. JBL is able to pick up a two count and starts kicking Orton around. Big chants start building for the RKO now as JBL hammers Orton down into the corner. Orton eats a clothesline for another two. JBL hammers blows into Orton, beating him right into the ground. JBL demands a count out for Orton before running into an Orton counter in the corner. JBL powers back out of the corner and both go down with JBL crawling to a two count. This match has slowed to a crawl. I’ve seen modern Mae Young matches go faster than this. Vista boots up quicker. Insert generic speed joke here. Orton comes back and stalking stomps on JBL’s limbs and gut. Orton goes to the corner and JBL runs from the punt, tagging in Michaels. Michaels comes in with chops but Orton stops him with the inverted neck breaker. Orton drops a knee to the temple and picks up a two count.
Orton takes control of the match for a while, but you don’t care what happened, it mostly involved punches, kicks and headlocks. Orton is caught by a flying forearm and Michaels nips up. He drops the elbow and tunes up the band in a corner further from JBL this time. Orton eats a foot and is pinned for three. Shawn feints a super kick on JBL. JBL points at the mat like he‘s either the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come or ordering a dog. Sit up boy. Roll over! Beg! We spend forever trying to lip read the conversation here. Michaels lies down but gets back up. OH FOR GOD’S SAKE. He demands a Clothesline from Hell as HBK chants turn into JBL Sucks chants. JBL delivers, the clothesline not the sucking what her does on his own time is his business, and gets the win.
Winner: JBL
Highlight of the Night: BoomBoomBoom Knuckle Shuffle was surreally funny.
Lowlight of the Night: Ending of the race to the rumble was predictable two weeks ago.
WWE “Creative” Award: I loved the creative bit about the human boy who became an adoptive elf. Oh wait, that was ELF after the show.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
