RAW RANT ARCHIVE (December 2007)
Navigation:
December 03, 2007
December 10, 2007
December 17, 2007
December 31, 2007
Raw 12.03.07
Show opens with Jericho meets the Cookie Monster and Orton losing to Flair. All of it is
complete with the roars of apathy oozing from last week’s crowd. We go straight to Jericho’s entrance. That’s
probably the most expensive intro he’s ever had as a wrestler. I’d rate the cost somewhere along the expense of
firing The Heavy’s weapon for four seconds (Who touched Sasha?!). Someone in the crowd has a sign saying “Rated
Y2J”. I have no idea what the fuck that one means. Jericho says SanChico Moralla was right that he can’t get a
match just by demanding one and has to dig deeper, past all the tag teams that Triple H buried. Well, okay maybe I added that
last part. He says he had to manipulate Randy Orton like a puppet (muppet?). Jericho got his answer last week after the show,
saying he got that special feeling in his pants…a vibration from his phone as WWE Mobile showed him a video of Orton
replying. They run the video for us, but oddly Jericho was there, begging the question as to why Jericho needed the phone
to tell him it happened. It’s almost as if this was some sort of veiled plan to promote WWE Mobile…nah.
Jericho tells us to text our friends as he declares himself the new champion. This crowd
seems pretty much as shitty as last week right now. I’m beginning to wonder if the arena have started putting Nyquil
in their drinks to cut down on residual damage from rowdy fans (Not Piper fans). Orton says everything is about Chris Jericho.
He’s in the rocks. Your car. Your boner on the subway. That nice hoochie’s ass in those tight leather pants, the
kind you just wanna smack and go BAYOW bitch! Orton lists off who he beat and Jericho cuts him off to say he used to brag
about how he beat Stone Cold and the Rock on the same night to be the first Undisputed Champion and that it doesn’t
mean a damn thing now. Jericho calls him a whole bunch of evil nasty things, saying he is all those things too and will beat
him for the title and there isn’t anything funny about that. This crowd is abysmal. I mean seriously, it makes me hate
humanity. Orton says he doesn’t like him one bit and would wipe that smirk off his face without breaking a sweat. Jericho
unbutton his vest and gets ready to throw down when Regal arrives.
Regal tries to get the crowd to boo him by vehemently denying them the Armageddon main event.
Regal says they get to pick each others opponents tonight. Orton picks someone Jericho has never faced ever and makes it Y2J
against Umaga, instead of, you know, making it Ric Flair so that Jericho would have to lose if he wanted Flair to keep his
job. That would make too much sense. Jericho gives him a match against someone he’s faced a lot, someone who’s
kicked his head off over and over, HBK. Michaels gets the biggest pop so far and it wasn’t even that big of a deal.
The sound guy decides to throw us a curve ball and plays the Raw theme now as they pimp Snitsky against Hardy for the IC belt.
Obviously beating people without names qualifies you for a title shot these days. In the back we see Maria and Mickie heading
to the ring, and damn, Mickie’s the kind you just wanna smack and go BAYOW bitch! That was worth repeating.
Random Commercial Thought: Fun Fact. My Spanish Coach comes in Spanish. That’s right,
the game to TEACH YOU SPANISH, comes in Spanish. Now you too can learn the language you already speak!
Back to the match where Maria and Mickie are here to take on Melina who does some kind of
side pimp shuffle down the aisle for some reason. She also chooses to leap in the air high with the splits before dropping
into them, seeing as how she has ret to realize that isn’t as hot when she isn’t wearing a skirt. Beth comes down
wearing a head piece that makes her look like Wonder Woman’s butch cousin.
Maria & Mickie James vs. Melina & Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix
Melina starts off with “I don’t Have a Last Name” Maria. Melina gets knocked
down and Maria sits on her face (and tells her that she loves her? [/Monty Python]) for a one count. Melina escapes and makes
a tag to Beth, scaring Maria to the corner where Mickie tags in. They trash talk and Mickie is shoved down. Mickie fires off
shots and starts kicking the midsection before Beth fireman carries her. Mickie escapes and leaps to the top turnbuckle, Kicking
Beth away. Melina tries to shove her off but eats floor. Beth finally tosses Mickie from the top, slamming Maria too and hoisting
Mickie up for a power slam. Mickie is dragged up into the Phoenix Arizona for the win.
Winners: Melina and Phoenix
King tells that "Must dampen the title hopes of Beth Phoenix" because obviously losing makes
you feel bad. Elsewhere, Shawn Michaels is interviewed by Tard about kicking Orton’s head off when Kennedy appears on
the random television screen like Jor’El (MASTER OF SCHEDULING). Kennedy says what is coming up next is a blast from
the past that just might break his heart as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I think my brain just short-circuited.
Back to the show where here’s Kennedy (Kennedy). Kennedy calls out Marty Jannery who
happens to be some random ass skinny bastard in an outfit that looks more like the bastard child of Marty Jannety and Ultimate
Warrior (WARRIAH!). The next guy he calls out is Razor Ramone complete with pasted on chest hair and wig. He even got Razor’s
in ring pyro, how nice of them and tells us Hey Yo (Yo?). Diesel is next as Kennedy finally says what people have been telling
Big Daddy Cool for years, speed the fuck up! Kennedy finally calls out Michaels who appears to have taken up bringing sparklers
to the ring. Careful, that could poke out an eye. Kennedy asks everyone to summarize Michaels in one word. Diesel goes with
Egotistical and Razor goes with chump. Marty tries out traitor. Fucking Judas. Kennedy has one word of his own, that being
loser. Michaels finally arrives and super kicks everyone as Kennedy runs away. Kennedy tries to sneak up from behind and runs
from a super kick. The fake Michaels turns tail and runs as well.
Random Commercial Thought: Nothing says great movie like black men being lynched. Back to
the show. In the back Vince is on the phone asking if someone is going to back out, the headliner being revealed to be Hulk
Hogan. Trish Stratus will be back according to Coach. Vince counters with Foley and Coach comes back with Bischoff and Stone
Cold. Those names don’t sit as well with Vince. Both look down at the sound of the pitter patter of little feet. Vince
says Finlay is in Ireland and has a No DQ match against Carlito and Coach. Coach chuckles evilly. Vince tells him to be resourceful
and Coach wishes him luck. Vince left without his phone so Horny decides to make a call. Looks like we’ll be seeing
the Ghostbusters. Replay of Hardy and Hunter winning last week. In the back Hunter asks Regal what his ulterior motive is
and Regal says the winner will have a WWE Title Match at the Royal Rumble but Hunter’s been driven by hatred and he
doesn’t hate Hardy, but respects him. Trips says he doesn’t hate Hardy but the thing is if it comes to being WWE
Champion again, he’d pedigree his mom, or grandmom, or Andre the Giant’s corpse (He totally said that I swear),
before adding his own Father in Law. Heeeey wait a minute….
Elsewhere Umaga is headed to the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: “Hot sauce all over my body!” Pull around! I need
some hot sauce, she wants it her way!
Back to the show where we replay Jericho defeating Santino. And here is Umaga. It’s
rare that the crowd in an arena is so quiet you can actually hear Lillian’s voice echoing through the arena. Jericho
wastes another big load of cash with his entrance before we go to commercial again.
Random Commercial Thought: Walk Harder damn you! Harder!
Back to the show where the match is already underway.
Chris Jericho vs. Umaga
Jericho has supposedly delivered a springboard dropkick to the apron and a vaulting press
to the floor. Chris is tossing Umaga back into the ring where he decides to tame the savage with a half Nelson. I wonder what
happened to the other half of Nelson. Did he have an accident? Umaga just throws Jericho off and to the floor into the ring
barricade. Jericho crawls back in to get planted and a running splash gets two for Umaga. Umaga puts Jericho in a nerve hold
(the Samoan Orton-lock) as JR masturbates to the size of his bodily appendages. They point out that Jericho’s matches
against Stone Cold and Rock were at Armageddon. Jericho takes several hard shots, but dodges a corner charge by Umaga before
leaping off the top with a bulldog for a standing ten count. They brawl and Jericho chops him back, hitting a standing enziguiri
into a bulldog. Lionsault to the back gets two. Umaga recovers and runs him over.
Jericho is sent to the corner and ducks a body splash into the knees to the face called
The Code Breaker, which is so obviously the EXACT same move Stevie Richards used on Kevin Thorn which we called the Jack Apple.
Orton suddenly appears with an RKO (Wild Orton appeared, what will you do?).
Winner: Jericho
Jericho zonks out for a bit and we see Horny heading to the ring through the back as we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Fuck the stork.
Back to the show where they show a picture of many of the people returning to Raw next week
and oddly Booker T was in the picture. To ringside for Carlito and Coach who gets introduced as being from my town like he’s
supposed to when they aren’t near a city where Kansas City gets a bigger reaction. Hornswoggle actually comes down the
aisle for once looking smug as Coach and Carlito drop to their knees in what could possible be worship (Kiss THIS Blarney
Stone). Hornswoggle comes to Lillian and whispers in her ear, asking him what he wants her to say again. She gets up and informs
us that hes hired protection for this match. He goes to the aisle and calls out Coach and Carlito.
Hornswoggle w/ The APA vs. Coach & Carlito Caribbean Cool (Handicap No DQ Match)
The APA theme hits and JBL and Ron arrive in APA uniforms. Carlito takes a spin buster from
Ron and Coach gets a beating from John. Coach gets tripped up by Horny before JBL clotheslines him down which Coach sells
like a wet sack of potatoes. JBL and Simmons drag him to the corner for the Tadpole Splash and the three.
Winner: Hornswoggle
Horny celebrates as the APA looks generally confused as to when they were transported to
1998. JBL says the APA doesn’t discriminate whether you are a drunk, McMahon, McNugget or a toad from Ireland. JBL goes
on to say when we can see him on the greatest Business Network. He pulls the microphone from Raw and tells us if were tired
of JR and King we can catch him on Smackdown, telling us what the time zones are. Ron finally steals the microphone while
the crowd says his line for him a bunch of times. Ron finally cashes in his check in JBL’s face. Somebody got paid to
print new APA shirts for this. The APA argues down the aisle as we go to the back with a piranha. Oh wait, that’s Snitsky.
He says something about pain and pleasure, blah blah.
Random Commercial Thought: The Golden Compass, much more touted than the Einsteinium Compass.
We come back to ringside with Jeff Hardy and Snitsky who is actually introduced as being
from Pennsylvania. That explains his problem. Must be the Amish.
Gene Snitsky vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title Match)
Snitsky tosses Hardy out of a tie up and prevents and Irish whip. He scoops Hardy up and
rams him upside down, back-first into a turnbuckle. Snitsky drops an elbow, and proceeds to pick it back up before continuing
with the match. Snitsky kicks Hardy in the corner for a while. Snitsky back body drops and goes to a double underhook. God,
that just looks weak as hell. I don’t think you could make a toddler cry with that. Snitsky shuts off Hardy’s
attempts to escape with a sidewalk slam for two. Snitsky tries out a dropkick for some reason and misses. Hardy lays in with
dropkicks of his own and picks up a one count, hitting the Whisper in the wind which JR pauses to think and call correctly
for once, since he’s obviously not being distracted by this crowd at all. Hardy misses the Twist of Fate but catches
an Snitsky with an elbow and knocks him down for a swift Swanton and the win.
Winner: Hardy
After the match Snitsky runs him over with a Hanger Banger. Snitsky grabs a chair from ringside
and ploddingly returns to the ring when Trips’ music plays. Trips comes to the ring with Sledgie in tow and Snitsky
runs for it. Trips stalks as Snitsky leaves and then stares at Hardy with the Hammer, prepping himself. He actually appears
to be jacking the handle off. He finally offers Hardy a hand up and jerks him face to face (Well, more like Face to Nose)
for a little talk.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m of the opinion it should be considered criminal to
run the same commercial for over a year.
Back to the show where the Smackdown Rebound shows Teddy certainly hasn’t forgotten
how to sic Undertaker on people in his absence. They run down the PPV card and we see Jillian singing Rockin’ Around
the Christmas Tree like a chipmunk to Vince. He wishes her good luck on the Christmas album when Regal arrives to tell us
that, speaking of horrible voices, Stephanie is on her way here. Damnit. Couldn’t this wait until next week?
Random Commercial Thought: For a show about 24 hours, the series sure is damned long.
Back to the show. Here they are, HBK and Orton for our main event.
Shawn Michaels vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton (non-title Match)
The annoying thing here is through part of the match we have this stupid WWE.com add scrolling
along the bottom section of the screen. Michaels starts off strong on Orton with only one Orton lock (take a shot) before
he finally gets tossed off into a reverse elbow and Orton starts his talking stomps for one. Orton lock (take a shot). Michaels
escapes, but Orton goes for an RKO. Michaels dodges, only for Orton to sunset flip which Michaels counters into an Ankle Lock.
Orton seems horribly stiff in trying to roll through the moves properly. The crowd couldn’t give less of a shit. I guess
they already went. Orton rolls Michaels up for two when he escapes back into the ankle lock. Orton makes the ropes as we go
to commercial (take that Angle).
Random Commercial Thought: Does Mario ever actually get anything from the princess for all
that effort?
Back to the match where Michaels and Orton are exchanging blows. Michaels knocks Orton from
the apron to the floor and misses a Sweet Chin Music on the outside when Orton ducks, making him super kick the time keeper
instead. Oops. Well, he probably had it coming to him. Back in the ring, Michaels comes in only to get caught up on the middle
rope for the rope-assisted DDT. Orton stares off at ringside and taunts the flattened Michaels, starting to stomp his knee
because that’s the logical spot to attack after DDTing someone. Obviously.
Orton lands a flying knee drop and manages to combine a pin and an Orton lock into the same
thing (take a shot). Orton starts hammering Michaels in the corner and throws the ref off as Michaels stumbles forward, clubbing
him back down. Body scissors and Orton Lock combo (yawn…take a shot). He decides to forget anything original and drops
the body scissors part of the hold. Michaels fights out but takes more hard shots, chopping back. Michaels finally hits him
into the ropes and goes to the flying forearm and nip up. Inverted atomic drop and some kind of awkward move into a backslide
for two. Scoop slam set up and up top he goes. Elbow hits its mark. The band is getting tuned up (I wonder if he uses the
Transiberian Orchestra this time of year?) but Kennedy arrives so Michaels vaults over the ropes onto him. Michaels and Kennedy
spills to the crowd and the ref finally calls the match since obviously this isn’t a DQ at all…nope. Winner: Orton
Orton declares himself the winner when Jericho arrives and beats the hell out of him. Orton
goes for the RKO, but Jericho counter it into a Lion Tamer according to JR who forgot this isn’t WCW. Orton manages
to get the ropes and crawl away before he can get it fully on. In the back, Vince and Steph are staring at each other and
he asks if this is about he trying to get out of the family portrait next week. She says he’s invited a lot of people
who despise him. Steph asks him if he knows who the one person was that was beat up more than anyone else, he guesses Al Snow
(oo oo, Jim Ross!) But it was Vince. She begs him not to go next week. Vince says he loves confrontation and no one will deny
him the privilege of announcing the greatest Raw superstar of all time and if they have a problem with it they can go straight
to hell (in a hand basket, fondly crafted by Linda McMahon herself) as the show goes of the air.
Highlight of the Night: Michaels super kicks that bastard Time Keeper. Some one had to do
it!
Lowlight of the Night: The crowd throughout the whole night, utterly dead.
WWE “Creative” Award: Jericho needs another finisher? What, are the Walls not
legit enough anymore?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
Raw 15th Anniversary
Tonight! It’s a family photo and Evolution Reunion, not to mention that Carlito
and Hardy will be in action for the IC title in a ladder match, because obvious that’s what jobbing to a midget earns
you. Show opens with a remix of all the Raw themes and new music. Set to old clips from each theme song and generation of
superstars. Huge pyro. We don’t have to wait long for the McMahon entrance as Vince, Shane, Stephanie and Stephanie’s
tits arrive with a bit of a bigger saunter than usual. Vince mentions that Raw used to be uncensored, I wonder if that changed
someone around the gay Mark Henry blowjob, but now my brain is melting because I thought of that. Vince says Linda can’t
be here because of gastro intestinal problems. He announces Shane as a former Hardcore and European champion, you know those
two belts that are now coasters for Arn Anderson and Triple H in the back. Vince invites the photographer into the ring when
Hornswoggle’s music plays and the midget comes running down to grab his leg. Horny gets a big pop and Shane has to drag
him from Vince’s leg as the crowd actually chants the fucking midget’s leg. Vince says there is no question all
three of them are waiting for him to die. He says he loves Steph and Shane and has to pause for Horny.
He also declares to love all of us, but Vince I’m not sure I’m ready
for this kind of relationship yet. He tells them to say money on three and Triple H’s theme plays instead. Trips, who
forgot to wear pants but managed the shirt and hat part (I love all the convenient DX merch the crowd has with them). Trips
is asked what he’s doing and says he’s waiting for the pop to die down, ZING. Trips says it isn’t a secret
and the people are smart and they know what’s going on. He says he feels like a part of this family and could be his
son, before asking Steph what’s up. Hunter says family is all about the people you love or loved, and brings out people
he’s loved. Oh my god. Representing the current diva crop (we grow them in Wisconsin) is Melina. Next is Sunny, whom
Horny decides to explore in depth. Mae Young makes three and um, I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Sure, why the hell
not? Can we drag out Moolah’s corpse too? She can’t look any worse than this skeleton. Vince says he drank too
much at Moolah’s funeral. Oh my god, they just shat on a dead old woman’s grave. Shane has to take a breather
on that explanation and leaves.
Steph doesn’t last much longer, but stays and Trips says the rest are kind
of weird, so just has to list that any WWE employee that was mistaken for a woman should come down. It’s Howard Finkle,
“big dick“ Johnson, and uh Bastian Bugger, Pat Paterson (no surprise), Gerald Brisco and that evil baseball player
that looked like Sting character and…you know? Just kill me. Trips has to ask the guy who Abe Knuckleball Schwartz is
and says the Brooklyn brawler must have been busy. Steph says she’ll embarrass Vince now and makes out with Trips before
leaving and he says he’ll see her at home (on Mt Olympus). Vince says he hate shim and tells them all to go to hell,
leaving just Hornswoggle. Trips says he knows he just wanted a family portrait and wants somebody to put a smile on this poor
boy’s face and make it better with just the sound of their music, get on the Ho Train because it’s the Godfather
with the Divas, oh I mean hos.
We get a parade of sluts to the ring. I didn’t know it was time for the Diva
Search again already. Fun Fact: Pimp canes also double as voodoo ritual wands. All the hos dance with our group of…interesting
individuals as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Can somebody get me some de-icer that freaking works?
Back to the show where the belt is above the ring now and Lillian is announcing
the rules and Hardy. I want to know why she thought it was a good idea to remake Jericho’s vest into a dress. Carlito
“I’m leaving this company soon” Cool is out next.
Carlito vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title Ladder
Match)
Carlito dives away immediately and slides to the floor, grabbing the ladder. He
cheap shots Hardy with it when he tries to follow and sets up in the ring. Hardy comes in and attempts a Twist of Fate, but
Carlito throws him off into a stiff clothesline (too much starch). Hardy is set up in the corner with the ladder on him, but
Hardy throws it into his face as Carlito runs in. Carlito is slammed face first into the ladder on the ground and Jeff tries
a see saw drop onto it to spring it back into his chin but Carlito rolls off. Carlito pins Hardy to the ring barricade with
the ladder and tosses him back in. Hardy dropkicks Carlito off the apron onto the ladder which was propped against the ring
barricade. Hardy retrieves another ladder which is o course EIGHTY FEET HIGH these days I hear. That measurement was of course
obtained from the increasing height found on the ladder match DVD. Carlito springboards from the ring apron onto the ropes
and to the top when Hardy is up. He slings a few punches and flips over into a sunset flip power bomb to start a Holy Shit
chant as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Real Mexican food literally smells like crap.
Back to the match. Hardy spring boards from the top over the ladder into a leg drop
and completely bombs as Carlito rolls away. Carlito starts to work the injured leg. We have two ladders in now as Jeff is
scoop slammed onto the ladder and Carlito sets up the other ladder. Carlito climbs up laboriously because ladders in wrestling
seem to suck all semblance of speed from your body when trying to attempt climbing motions. Kind of steel cages do. Carlito
props a ladder in the corner and beats Jeff onto it before taking a running charge to get back body dropped into it himself.
Wow, so didn’t see that coming [/Ben Stein Voice]
Hardy goes to the top ropes and gets the Swanton (Actually he misses it, but they
treat it like he didn‘t). Hardy takes his sweet time setting up the ladder and Carlito spring suddenly to life after
having tapped A long enough. Hardy tries a Twist of Fate but Carlito counters it into an Apple Jack on the ladder. Carlito
crawls up the ladder and once again takes his dear sweet time until Hardy starts punching him as Carlito grabs the belt. Hardy
sends him down and grabs the belt for himself despite having done nothing to really earn that moment as far as big moves go,
but whatever.
Winner: Hardy
Off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: You know, Pilgrims and Vikings discovered America way
far apart to have known each other [/douche bag].
Back to the show. Why the fuck would I want that many Taker Bears? Maybe a booker
Bear now…
In the back Tard introduces Shawn, mentioning he was on the first Raw, defending
the IC title against some guy he can’t remember since it was a dark and troubling time for him. He was probably on safari
for his smile. Shawn asks what Kennedy could do against the real Marty Jannety. He’s there and uh…he’s completely
high. He rambles something unintelligible before going to get ready. We see a lot of Raw moments, several of them from just
this or last year and then ten years ago, such a big gap it’s hilarious. Several Trish make outs. Also, the entire roster
of TNA seems to be there. We even got to see Choppy Choppy your Pee Pee. Greatest Bridge fights. That should be it’s
own DVD. We end it with the limo exploding. Quaint.
Random Commercial Thought: Simpsons was the greatest movie of the year. Fuck your
pitiful Oscar hopefuls. Animations is where it’s at.
Back to the show. Santino is in the ring demanding an open challenge to prove he
is the future of wrestling and who does he get but Van Dam. Not the actor, though I’d love to see if kicks and punches
delivered in slow motion really are more powerful.
Santino Moralla vs. Rob Van Dam
Santino tries a kick and gets spun around by the foot and knocked right the hell
out with a single kick. RVD goes up top and nails a Five Star before pointing his thumbs and pinning.
Winner: RVD
Don’t blink. Evolution vignette airs as being up next and even managed to
show them electrocuting Goldust, which of course birthed nothing but S.H.I.T.
Random Commercial Thought: You ever notice that more Horror Movies come out around
Christmas than on fucking Halloween?
Back to the show. Evolution is on its way out as Ric Flair arrives, followed by
Triple H who continues to advertise by wearing a different shirt this time and tossing more half filled bottle of water at
the crowd. Batista is next, but Orton stops at the entrance ramp. He refuses to come down and join them because they want
to ride his coat tails. He replays what happened last time he had a belt with them and brings out his former Rated RKO partner.
Edge says Batista will be without a title too after this Sunday. Batista calls him down and Flair tells them to shut up and
grab a third for a match with them. Regal has apparently already okayed the use of Umaga who has pretty much become Orton’s
version of Teddy Long’s Undertaker at this point as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Law and Order. It’s always on. That’s reliability.
Back to the show where Ric Flair is already wrestling.
Evolution vs. Team Rated RKO & Umaga
King mentions how Ric Flair has to retire if he loses in a singles competition only.
Ric chops along on Edge, but a back body drop shuts him down and in comes Umaga. Umaga goes to the Samoan Orton Lock. Orton
comes in and decides to try and pick up a three but gets two. Ric shuts him down with some dropkicks and Batista is in, going
crazy on the whole other team. A bossman slam crushes Edge and Orton comes from behind as Triple H makes the save. Edge and
Orton take dual spine busters from Trips and Batista. Umaga crushes them both and the ref for the DQ.
Winners: Evolution
Ric attacks Umaga with chops and punches until Umaga grabs him for a spike but Batista
stops him. Umaga stares them all three down and runs at Flair, getting a punch in the nuts, followed by a Batista Spinebuster
and a Pedigree (He had a smack down Icon stored). Afterward we go to the best incidents involving cars, trucks and other vehicles.
Even Kurt Angle’s milk truck makes an appearance. Edge performing Ric Flair’s road rage is a moment I’d
rather forget, but it was indeed funny to see Hogan running over Rock’s ambulance. In the back, Hornswoggle is molesting
Mickie James and a much thinner Molly Holly. Regal has to run them off and says Horny has to take on Khali again tonight,
next and Finlay’s plane ticket got cancelled. Oh yay.
Random Commercial Thought: Harry Plopper and the Sorcerer’s Wish Bone,
Back to the show where they replay the APA protecting Hornswoggle. Isn’t it
bad enough I had to hear this music once tonight? But then I had to hear it in that recap and now again as he comes to the
ring. God, I never thought I’d be begging for a generic techno remix a la the divas. King Kong is here, oh wait that’s
Khali.
Hornswoggle darts around between his legs and runs around but when Khali grabs hold
of Hornswoggle, Real American plays. Hogan arrives in Black and White, which is ironic considering everyone wore the orange
and yellow boas. Horny is tossed aside and Khali calls Hogan out. Hogan practices some of his Xbox Live Trash talk and hulks
up. Hogan blocks the chop and Khali kicks him in the gut. Khali starts to club him in the back around the ring as Hogan seems
to be having an asthma attack, oh wait he’s hulking back up. The punch combo ensues and Khali rolls to the floor. Hogan
invites him back and Arab Bischoff holds him off.
Some idiot decides to give Hogan a microphone and congratulates the WWE and thanks
us for keeping the dream alive. What dream is that? To say our prayers and eat our vitamins until our son puts someone in
a coma and our wives divorce us? Yeah, good dream. I’m all over that. He even manages to trash Randy Savage and pimp
American Gladiators. More posing ensues while I pass out for a bit. But first, a vignetta on DX and off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I’d like to see the statistics on the number of
people who die a virgin each year.
Back to the show with Vince and Docters Socko and Stone Cold. Howard Finkel is here
if you care to introduce the 15 year Battle Royal of old ass guys you don’t care about. Al Snow and Head. Hey! That’s
two guys! Bart Gunn. This crowd doesn’t even know who the hell that is. Doink the Clown (which one?). HAHAHA! Repo Man.
Someone repossessed his hair. Steve Blackman, who has still killed less men in the ring that Khali despite being lethal. Pete
Gas of Shane’s Mean Street Posse like you care. Bob Backlund for office!
Random Commercial Thought: Tivo. It will change your life. Then make you wish you
still had one.
Back to the show. The Goon, IRS and Flash are here too as well as Porn Star/Director
Gangrel. He probably thought this was an Orgy instead of a clusterfuck. Scotty 2 Hotty. Didn’t we just get rid of him?
Neidhart and Slaughter are next. Go joe! I think Skinner might be here or something. Last on the list? Gilberg but he has
to enter from the back in traditional Goldberg style. I love these sparklers.
15 Man Battle Royal
Everybody beats up Gilberg first and tosses him to the floor after carrying him
all around the ring. The clusterfuck begins and Backlund eats mat next. Al starts using Head and so does Gangrel! ZING! Doink
is dunked by Head. Gangrel is eliminated by head next and Flash knocks Snow to the floor. Gas and Gunn are out next and Flash
eliminates himself and Blackman with a head scissors. Goon gets crushed by Repo Man and tossed. Neidhart eliminates the repo
man and Neidhart gets tossed by Skinner. Scotty 2 Hotty is in with IRS and gets clotheslined and beat with the briefcase,
but turns the tables on it to set up the worm. W. O. R. M. God help us. Skinner then tosses him. Skinner gets locked in a
Cobra Clutch and forces Sarge to hang himself on the ropes. Skinner finally gets tossed and IRS tosses the Sarge.
Winner: IRS
OR….is he? In comes the Million dollar Man and Dibiase pays off IRS to eliminate
himself for the real win. Classic.
Winner: Dibiase
Best bitch slap moments and speaking of bitches, there’s Bischoff in the back
on his way to the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I like sandwiches too.
Back to the show where Eric Bischoff is in the ring and first he cries and then
he rants. He says he needs applause for reinventing the business for them. He gets booed and for his trouble gets a countdown
from Jericho. At least the sparkly vest is black this time instead of silver. He still needs to work on the gay bar hairdo
though. Jericho and Bischoff throw down the insult war. Bischoff demands Jericho save us all forty dollars to watch the bad
match he’ll inevitably lose this Sunday and forfeit the match. Jericho says he could forfeit or just beat Eric’s
ass right now (but that’s Pat Patterson’s job). Jericho pulls a line from Cena and battle raps for some reason
with the word “off”. Y2J finally knocks him one and goes for the wall, but Orton attacks. Orton tries a clothesline
and Jericho counters into the walls, forcing Orton to tap.
Random Commercial Thought: MP3 Players are for dominos.
Back to the show. Dusty Rhodes is here. Wow, who managed to roll him all the way
out? Out of no where we are bothering to have the tag team title matter now and let Cody and Holly take on the champs. Oh,
and Cade and Murdoch are here. I’m sure that’s impressive to um…somebody.
WWE Tag Team Champion Cade & Murdoch vs. Cody Rhodes & Hardcore holly (Tag
Team Titles Match)
Cade goes to a side headlock on Rhodes and when the hold breaks, gets clotheslined
for his trouble. Cade misses a back body drop by a flying side kick finally shuts Cody down. Inverted atomic drop and running
elbow combo from Cade and Murdoch as Trevor tags in. Trevor scoop slams and drops an elbow for double two counts. Murdoch
holds Cody for a chest slap from Cade who scoop slams Cody and misses his own elbow. Cody makes the tag to Holly who starts
hammering Murdoch who just tagged in. Holly gets in a sharp dropkick and knocks Cade on the apron. Holly ducks a clothesline
from Cade, forcing him to hit Murdoch. Cody tackles Cade to the floor and Alabama Slam finishes Murdoch. Winners: Rhodes &
Holly
Holly and the Rhodes family celebrate. Celebrity highlight reel sends us to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I wonder what Hitler’s having for dinner in hell.
Back to the show where they run a Diva vignette…um excuse me I’ll be
back in a bit…
Back! And here is Jillian singing in the ring but she’s interrupted by Trish
Stratus. Trish decides to trash Jillian’s singing and this leads to somehow Lita becoming involved. Oh yay. Let’s
see if she can injure herself in this short period of time. Lita gets face to face with Trish as Jillian tells her to hit
her. Lita turns on her to insult the singing too, but Jillian croons on and this isn’t fucking Holiday Inn. Diva beat
down ensues and it’s on to a comedy highlight reel. At least Gobbledy Gooker isn’t there.
Random Commercial Thought: Why the hell is there another AvP movie?
We come back to show every single wedding gone horribly wrong. If only Teddy had
watched this. Dumbass. In the back, Lita is watching these segments on TV and runs into Kane. He asks if she’s seen
any good movies (No, but I saw See No Evil!). She tries to chat about the weather and it’ just really awkward. Ron Simmons
comes along to lighten the mood. We move on to the card for Armageddon and then more commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Smackdown vs. Raw. How will you play? Probably in my
underwear.
Back to the show where Jannety is here to wrestle Kennedy, provided he can still
actually find the ring. What the hell is up with that outfit. At least he wore a shirt but he looks like Robin Williams in
Death to Smoochy.
Marty Jannety vs. Mr. Kennedy
Marty dances a bit then remember that nobody puts baby in the corner and comes in
for the tie up. Kennedy gets in some stiff shots until Marty lands a drop toe hold. Some nice chain wrestling between the
two ends with a snap mare and a low drop kick by Jannety. Kennedy dropkicks the knee and pounds Marty down. Marty is probably
wishing he was Marty McFly instead so he could go back in time and undo signing up for this match. Half Boston Crab. Did the
other half of Boston burn down? Kennedy covers for two. Marty powers back now and manage to get a two count of his own, but
things seem to literally slow down during the mounted ten punches in the corner which go at the speed of slug. Kennedy slings
Marty off for two. Marty comes back again and hit’s the Rocker Dropper, but decides to crawl up to the top slowly. Marty
falls over the corner and Kennedy gets him on his shoulder, but Marty rolls him up for two. Kennedy hangs Jannety on the second
rope and pins for three to absolutely no reaction whatsoever like the rest of this match.
Winner: Kennedy
Kennedy attacks Marty after the match before Michaels comes to the rescue. Michaels
and Kennedy brawl until Kennedy rolls to safety. Michaels gets jumped by Kennedy when he tries to help Jannety only for Triple
H to come down in even more merchandise in a DX shirt and hat. Michaels tosses Kennedy to the floor and Michaels puts on the
shirt Trips brought for him. They pause for a DX suck it and conveniently there was X pyro ready. I wonder why. In the back,
Vince is getting ready for the final big announcement as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Look! Over there! *runs the other way*
Back to the show where Vince says the greatest superstar had to make the single
biggest impact on Raw. He asks for the envelope from a random rent a cop at ringside. It’s filled with Anthrax! Okay,
maybe not. Inside is the name of….*drum roll…literally*…himself. Even a blind guy saw that one coming. TO
interrupt is Mankind, still introduced as Mick Foley on the bottom scroll. Vince says he’s jealous and tells him to
take himself out of the ring before Mankind gives him a mouth full of sock. Vince drops to the mat and the Undertaker’s
music hits. Twenty minutes late, Taker gets in the ring while Vince is crawling around from the mandible claw. Vince stands
as if he didn’t notice the music the lighting and the fucking smoke. Vince eats a choke slam. Taker randomly channels
Ultimate Warrior and disappears in the dark. Stone Cold arrives to rant for a while about congratulating Vince, accusing him
of sleeping. He says fifteen years of Raw deserves a toast and demands two beers. Actually forget this, you know damned well
how this will end. Stunner? Nah, they had a fucking picnic obviously. However, afterward Stone Cold declares the fans the
greatest superstars on Raw. Yes! I knew it. I’m freaking awesome. All the superstars then have a beer bash.
Highlight of the Night: Melina’s dress. No kidding. Seriously.
Lowlight of the Night: “Big Dick” Johnson the stripper. Help me.
WWE “Creative” Award: what the hell was the point of all this? All these
superstars are going to forget it ever happened next week anyway.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
Raw 12.17.07
Show opens with Steph telling Vince about all the people that hate him being there and the announcement of himself being the greatest superstar ever then getting his ass collectively handed to him. Theme, now with more Santino and Jericho (Hmm, some effects guy really loves him some Adobe After Effects). Tonight's Main Event is Michaels and Hardy against Kennedy and Orton. As well as Ric who will totally lose to Umaga. Yeah. Totally. Heard it here first.
Hey look, hookers! Oh wait, those are the divas in Santa's Helpers outfits. I have no idea why the match is called that. Jillian wants to sing one of the songs off her new album (Is it a techno remix of Leave Brittany Alone?). Apparently it's Chestnuts (Chipmunks?) Roasting on an Open Fire, or whatever the real title is of that crappy song. Some more sluts, er, divas come out in costumes, but they had to borrow divas from other shows for this. On a side note, we advertise Kelly Kelly's Lingerie guide which means that if your wife puts this on, she'll get interrupted two minutes before she ever takes her bra off for the rest of your relationship.
Face Slut Team vs. Heel Slut Team
Maria starts off with Jillian and works the arm, getting two and tagging in Kelly who ends up sucking horribly (haha, Sucking). Double teams owns her and it's that ECW Diva I can't remember the name of getting rolled up for two. Michelle McCool tags in and works Melina over until she gets caught against the ropes. Tree of Woe sets up Michelle for a double team Bronco Buster from Victoria and Melina. Victoria misses the follow up and Mickie tags in, tackling Victoria for two. I didn't know Santa wore Assless chaps, Mickie. Mickiecanrana follows up Mickie eliminating all the heels from the apron. Mickie nails a huge DDT and gets the three and then immediately tackled by the heels.
Winners: The team with the fake boobs.
After the face divas dump the heels, Vince comes stalking down without a strut, walking like somebody shoved a Stone Cold Steve Austin bobble head up his ass. He glares at the divas and they eventually leave to "Asshole" chants which just goes to prove this crowd must really like them sodomy. He says he was humiliated instead of celebrating last week and everyone came out to celebrate while he was writhing on the ground in pain. He says he's not an Animal (Batista) or a monster (Kane) and we've broken his heart. Luckily I have duct tape. He mentions he's a human being, but I'd like some tests to be performed on that. I think I know where La Chupacabra is. Jeff Hardy's theme plays to a big pop and Jeff comes strutting down sans his belt. He seems to have lost his rainbow, it's probably hanging out with Shawn's smile in a bar somewhere. Jeff snatches the microphone away and tries to explain saying that next week we'll be going to Iraq, saying that they celebrated when Sadam was overthrown, pointing out the similarities between the two. He says they don't want to hate him, he just doesn't give them the choice to like him because he doesn't give a damn about anyone and thus they don't give a damn about him. Who would want to receive a damn anyway? Hurricane Katrina victims would like one I suppose [/Bacon] Vince goes to cry in the corner as we go to commercial. Seriously, he cried in the corner.
Random Commercial Thought: Why the FUCK is Bodies the theme for EVERYTHING with people dying a lot in it? Rambo 4? Jesus Christ.
Back to the show where Regal and the refs are trying to lure Vince from the corner. They should try candy. I like candy. Regal says the show must go on and Triple H decides to make an appearance. Hunter looks pissed and to have gained a sudden beer gut in 24 Hours (Now available at a movie store near you). I've come to the conclusion Triple H isn't allowed to come to the ring wearing the same shirt twice in a row or something. Trips stares at him for a bitch and calls Regal Liberace, telling him to let him handle it saying that he's the closest thing Vince has left to family. He spends some time trying to get his attention and tells us to mark it down as Vince being officially dead. He finally takes a seat next to him and an arm over his shoulder saying he'll be the bigger man (That's what Steph said!) and apologize for everything he did. He calls it his bad. How nice. He begs him to leave the ring before they cancel the show. This is probably the most entertaining thing ever. Regal interrupts and tells him to leave right now or he'll..and he shuts right the hell up with Trips stands. He says he'll have security physically throw him from the building. As opposed to telekinetically throwing him from the building.
Regal asks Vinnie if he'd like that and he slowly starts to rise from the corner. Vince, finally on his feet, take the microphone from Hunter and says he's got a better idea in the worst voice I've ever heard, it was fucking Mr. Magoo material. He demands Coach and no security. He puts Regal and Coach against Trips which seems to sit fine with Hunter and he says he hopes something bad happens to all of us. It already did. I turned on this show remember?
Random Commercial Thought: First Sunday. Glad to see Blaxplotation isn't out of style yet. Soul Plane 2 anyone?
Back to the show. Regal and Coach are stripping down their suits while Trips stands ready in his T-shirt and jeans. Hunter makes a real show of pretending to stretch and prepare for this and Coach rolls up his sleeve. Oh snap it's on now, bitch.
Jonathon Coachman & William Regal vs. Triple H (Handicap Match)
Coach gets decked in one shot and Regal starts to brawl before he takes a hard rising knee off the ropes and rolls to the floor. Trips slams him into the announce table and decks Coach when he comes from behind. Regal sends Trips to the ring steps and wedges his head to the ring post, running in and kicking his head into the post. Coach covers for two. Regal goes batshit crazy on Triple H in the corner, landing knees and lefts, starting to send Hunter all over the ring. Trips catches him in the corner with a boot and flattens Coach again, taking turns punching them in the face. A Sloppy face buster sends Regal to the floor and leaves Coach alone. Regal decides to retrieve the best finishing move ever, the Power of the Punch but gets spine bustered for his trouble. The knux fall off and Coach acquires them while writhing in pain. Trips stands over him and Coach slowly stands up and hands over the knux. Pussy. Pedigree. Pin. Winner: Triple H
We get a still shot/live action replay of Jericho's match with Orton which was apparently for all the marbles and probably explains why Jericho couldn't win. He was playing the wrong game and forgot to bring his breaker. We learns Jericho has challenged JBL to face him in the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I was too busy watching the hilarious Wrestlecrap Batista video.
Back to the show where we get a replay of Cody winning the Tag Team titles, an event so memorable I already forgot about it. Again. Oh, I suppose we have a match now. Cody and Holly get a pop that's pretty much equivalent to.well say if you brought a potato out to wrestle. It was kind of like that.
Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly Tag Team (WWE Tag Team Title Match)
Cody gets the beat down from down town from Cade before Murdoch tags in and continues the complete dissection of Rhodes. Cody flips out of a back suplex into a tag to Holly who runs Murdoch over and starts chopping him into the ropes. Holly does NOT deserve whoos. Holly goes for the Alabama Slam but Cade runs in, provoking Rhodes and causing the ref to be distracted while Cade grabs Holly's legs for Murdoch to nail a running boot for two. Cade tags in and gets a two count of his own before Murdoch tags back in. Cade suplexes Murdoch into a leg drop for two yet again. Dropkick from Holly and the tag is made. Cody and Cade back in the ring and Cody sends Murdoch to the floor, going to town on Cade and landing him with a bulldog for two when Murdoch breaks it up. Holly and Murdoch spill to the floor (probably because Holly's body is mostly gelatinous now). Cade looks to have Cody with a lariat and Rhodes ducks into a DDT for three. Get a finisher you bum.
Winners: Rhodes & Holly
Random Commercial Thought: The Dewey Cox story. Sure he plays good music, but can he fix my TV too?
Back to the show. Slam of the week brought to you by a shitty game to recap Flair's imminent retirement. Flair hits the aisle and repeats that he will never retire. He tells us Vince doesn't want him to get hurt on his watch and tells us how he's been in this business longer than most of the current superstars have been alive. He continues to rant for quite a while about how awesome he is, so long in fact that we actually end up at another commercial break and he hasn't even made it to the ring yet, and I thought Undertaker was bad. I blame the Alzheimer's.
Random Commercial Thought: Who the fuck actually eats that feast thing?
Back to the show where Flair is STILL COMING TO THE RING. Did he get lost on the way there and ask Bugs Bunny for directions? At any rate, here's Umaga.
Ric Flair vs. Umaga (Win or Retire Match)
Ric ties up and gets tossed off, but he bounces form the ropes into a strut. Umaga attacks and Ric ducks, chopping the bulldozer down which seems to be about as effective as lying down in front of a real bulldozer. Umaga begins to crush Flair around the ring, nailing him in the neck and dropping him fully with a kick to the back of the head. Flair runs into a big foot in the face a splash picks up two for Umaga, if he can even count that high. Samoan Orton Lock. Flair fights up and comes off the ropes where he gets chopped back down on the way in. Flair nails an elbow on the charge in from Umaga and comes out only to eat a clothesline, which I hear are quite hard to actually swallow. Umaga stops another momentum build with a Samoan Drop but Flair makes the ropes at two. Umaga throws a baby fit, because they don't teach manners in Samoa either. Belly to belly gets another two. Umaga sentons by slinging himself from the second rope twice. Aaaaand another Samoan Orton Lock. Umaga sets up for a slow ass flying head butt that would have been done better by a guy who doesn't exist and thus he misses. Flair is up with chops and gets shoved off to the ropes but he bounces off into a chop block. Another chop block finally lands Umaga but Flair is kicked off from the Figure Four and an uppercut sends Ric to the floor. Flair gets intimate with the ring post. Pervert. Umaga tries the ass crash against the security wall and Ric dodges, making Umaga crash through the wall and knock himself, Flair crawling back to the ring at nine to win by count out. Winner: Flair
Ric grabs a microphone for one last thing (sexually molest an intern?), it's a Whoo. In the back, a pissed Jericho, minus the Elton John vest is on his way to the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: AvP, this time with more humans still not featured in the title.
Back to the show where we have Jericho. If Raw is Jericho does that make it underutilized and terrible at music? Yeah, I can go with that. Jericho tells us he should be happy he won because it was as some might say, a "Didn't win nothing" victory. Replay that we've seen fifty times already tonight of JBL kicking his head in. He tells us JBL refused to show up and he'll take a trip to Smackdown to get answers when JBL appears via satellite from the back of the arena, I mean um.from Rochester. JBL says Jericho couldn't possibly believe how busy and important he is to be in Buffalo and Chris is low on his list of priorities and as far as he is concerned their business is finished because Jericho touched him while we learn the Time Keeper's name now as Jericho compares him to JBL since he got super kicked.
Jericho says his instinct is to be at Smackdown and pay him a visit when he least expects it. Because no on expects you to show up when you ANNOUNCE when you will be there. JBL says he talked to Vince and Chris will not be getting another match and if he comes to Smackdown he won't be in the Royal Rumble either and will never be champion again. Jericho accuses him of throwing his boots away and selling his balls on Wall Street. I got a good deal on them. JBL takes the bait and plans to come to Raw as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Apparently JBL doesn't have Balls of Fury.
Back to the show with the man "residing in" Patterson, New Jersey Santino Moralla. Along with his tag team partner from the even more vague "Caribbean", Carlito. In case you forgot they exist, London and Kendrick are back to flip around. I think they smoke crack. Santino talks down to Carlito to let him know he'd like to start us off.
Santino Moralla & Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Maria vs. Londrick
Santino and Kendrick are in and Santino goes into some martial arts moves that Kendrick just keeps backstepping before pimp slapping Santino down into an arm bar. Ouch. Santino takes a double dropkick as London tags in and works the arm more. Santino misses a bunch of clotheslines while London jumps all around him. Carlito tags in from a scared Santino. Carlito finds a solution to the hopping around, just chuck London in the corner and beat the shit out of him. He tries to tell Santino off and gets a hurricanrana from London. London tags in Kendrick as he monkey flips Carlito and a cross body from Kendrick gets two when Santino breaks it up. Santino uses Maria as a shield to stop London and the distracted Kendrick eats an Apple Jack for the loss.
Winners: Carlito & Santino
Santino pimps their team to a confused Carlito and calls him Columbian as Carlito corrects him to Puerto Rican. Same shit.
Random Commercial Thought: That Ladies and Gentleman song is getting just as much overused as Bodies.
Back to the show where Orton is interviewed by Tard with his nice shiny Triple H belt. Keep that baby warm. In the back Ric is confronted by Trips who once again had to change his shirt. They talk for a moment before Vince arrives from behind to cut them off and tells Ric that on New Years Eve his career is on the line against Triple H and wishes them a Happy New Year. He then makes one of those Stewie Griffon smirks as he turns his head sideways and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Last Legion. Yet another of those movies where if we stick a guy in nondescript ancient battle armor and give him a sword people will watch it.
Back to the show. Jeff is on his way out and the announce team is still talking about Vince. What is this, his third or fourth breakdown this year? Does he have any other tricks he can even do or is that the only one? Honorary Village People member, Shawn Michaels is next to the ring. Ken, I can't win a match to save my soul but I can sure injure you good, Kennedy is next. Randy, I want my own belt, Orton is last.
WWE Champion Randy Orton & Ken Kennedy vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy & Shawn Michaels
Orton and Hardy start us off with Orton shoulder blocking Hardy but Hardy hitting arm drags back. Kennedy tags in and Hardy decides to stay. Kennedy breaks a tie up with a knee to the gut and punches him into the corner, seemingly hurting his wrapped hand. Kennedy gets ran over by a shoulder block and a flip over leg drop gets two for Hardy. Inverted Manhattan drop followed by the leg drop to the crotch and a low dropkick as Hardy is pimping Kennedy all over the ring right now. A cross body pin attempt is ignored as Hardy stands and hammers a running in Orton to send him to the floor. Hardy and Michaels send both to the floor and fly over the ropes onto them as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: 40 years without sex. My god. You're getting close Sean! Heh.
Back to the show where Kennedy is actually still on the defensive, breaking the normal rule about going for high risk right before the commercial. It doesn't last long though as he manages to pull Hardy into the corner with him and tag Orton in. Randy beats Hardy into the ground while the ref decides not to do anything about it. I guess once you've destroyed a hotel room, what's a few closed fist punches? Kennedy tags back in and lobs some right into Hardy off the ropes but a wrap around clothesline ends it. Michaels is in and pummeling Kennedy around with a big inverted atomic drop. Orton is in and a flying forearm has Michaels fired up. He nips up into a clothesline from Kennedy who has a bleeding nose. Kennedy pins for two.
Kennedy drags Michaels to the corner and Orton tags in to beat Michaels in the corner and the ref drags him off this time. Orton pushes the ref off and kicks Michaels down, going to a patented Orton lock. Every time someone in WWE performs a headlock they have to pay Orton a dollar. Michaels chops Orton into the corner and gets turned inside out in the corner for two. Orton stomps on Michaels while he ponders life's mysteries and what type of headlock he should use next. Kennedy tags back in and chokes Michaels on the ropes. Chops from Michaels are shut down by a beat down into the corner from Kennedy. The running kick to the face shuts Michaels out entirely. Hardy makes the save at two. Camel Clutch and he's not even from the Middle East. I though the ancient art of how to apply that complicated maneuver was only known in Arab countries.
Michaels escapes and begins to fight free with chops. Kennedy catches a super kick and tries to put Michaels on his shoulders, but Shawn escapes and lands an enziguiri. Hardy tags in, runs right by Orton and low dropkicks Kennedy to the floor before sending Orton into the turnbuckle face first. A Huge face buster gets two when Kennedy breaks the pin.
Michaels and Kennedy go to the floor with Michaels punching Kennedy and Hardy sets up for a Twist of Fate. Orton counters it into an RKO but Hardy pushes him off and catches him with the Twist of Fate into a Swanton Bomb for three and a huge crowd pop. Winners: Hardy & Michaels
Michaels and Hardy celebrate their win as the show goes off the air and JR begs us to watch Tribute to the Troops rather than go do stuff that isn't boring.
Highlight of the Night: Hardy gets some long overdue time in the limelight.
Lowlight of the Night: Jericho gets put on the back burner.
WWE "Creative" Award: Vince breaks down. Again. Yay.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
Raw New Year’s Eve
Show opens with an Orton tribute. I can only hope this is due to the fact he suffered some kind of brain hemorrage over the last week and dropped dead right in the middle of shitting in the latest batch of diva gym bags. Unfortunately these hopes are instantly dashed as we are greeted by a considerably balder Randy Orton. Either Sean’s picture of Orton’s face grafted onto Austin’s body has come true prophetically, or somebody gave Randy a bad hair cut. Orton’s standing in a spotlight in the center of the ring and decides to go on to rant about his dynasty and how he’ll go through the next entire year as the champion, which of course can only happen if he quickly changes his name to Randy Cena. Eventually Jeff Hardy interrupts to let us know the truth. I think he scalped Rob Van Dam somewhere along the way and stole his hair before he came out to the ring. He decides to show us a video clip we didn’t see and runs footage of himself pinning Orton after a Twist of Fate and Swanton two weeks ago.
Orton calls it a fluke, despite it not looking like a flounder at all. Jeff says it proves he can beat him. Orton decides to say WWE Championship Title in the most awkward way I’ve ever heard before getting up in Hardy’s face for a stare down. He tries out an RKO, but Hardy spins out of it into a Twist of Fate to leave Orton flat in the ring for a big pop. Nice. As Hardy celebrates, we move on to a video package about Flair’s career set to his speech about his non-retirement. This is of course leads to a recap of the stipulations for tonight’s match. Shawn Michaels is on his way to the ring in the back for a match with Kennedy (Spoiler: He loses! HA! Beauty of taping I know) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Butt photocopying is apparently equal to a receipt.
Back to the show. Next Monday we’re going back to Vegas for Raw Roulette, that thing nobody misses….ever. In the back, Jeff runs into Matt who pep talks him saying he’s red hot and says the Royal Rumble will be his night. Jeff and Matt agree that Matt will never need his appendix out again. Matt says when Jeff wins the title he wants the first title shot at him and Jeff says it would be an honor to give his older brother the first shot (AHAHAHAHAAA…oh he’s serious?). KENNEDAAAAAAH. Guess who? Kennedy just brushes off the motions for his microphone seemingly deciding that maybe the microphone is what’s been cursing him as of late (and here I thought it was the steroids, my bad). Michaels is out with his decidedly much flashier entrance. Kennedy needs to get himself some damn pyro. Is there some kind of ban on new heels having pyro in the WWE or something?
Mr. Kennedy vs. Shawn Michaels.
They dance around for quite a while before the tie up and Michaels goes to an arm wrench, forcing Kennedy over. Kennedy powers back out of it and forces Michaels down for a one count. Some chain wrestling ensues and both men pop to their feet. Shawn pops the crowd by letting his hair down which is kind of….weird. I would say gay, but it was mostly a female thing. Michaels shoulder blocks Kennedy down and blocks an arm drag, sending Kennedy down himself into an arm bar. Michaels is forced to the corner where Kennedy is forced to break, allowing Michaels to send him to the corner. Kennedy goes to leap frog him, but Michaels baseballs slides out of the ring, dragging Kennedy down by the legs, removing his knee padding and smashing his knee into the ring apron. Michaels starts to stomp the leg around and I have to say that without the pads, Kennedy’s leg looks like a waving bit of chicken meat. Uhg.
Michaels goes to a half Boston Crab. Kennedy makes the ropes and tells the ref to get Michaels the fuck off him in a funny moment. Kennedy escapes a scoop slam and the crowd pops for a huge tackle that sends them both flying through the ropes and down to the floor. Kennedy rolls back into the ring trying to get a count out while the crowd rallies for Michaels and he crawls back in as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Lysdexia is no laughing matter.
Kennedy is laying the beat down on Michaels in the corner and nails his running kick to the jaw. Kennedy drags Michaels back out of the corner and picks up a two count. You would think wrestlers would learn to stop sitting down in the corner what with both Kennedy and Umaga and others over the years all taking advantage of the situation time and time again. It’s like catching Shelton’s foot. Michaels drops Kennedy into a NOT AT ALL CRIPPLER Crossface, but Kennedy prevents him from locking it in. Kennedy picks up another two count in the process and rams an upside down Michaels back first into the turnbuckle, hanging him there for some kicking. Both men meet up top on the turnbuckle, but when Kennedy is knocked off, he quickly recovers and delivers a superplex to Michaels, picking up two yet again.
Sitting abdominal stretch. I think this move actually looks better on the ground than standing. Michaels strikes the knee to escape and starts laying in forearm shots. Flying forearm and nip up with Michaels favoring the back. Michaels goes to the usual offense from here and people call Cena repetitive. Elbow drop utterly bombs. Kennedy Oklahoma rolls for just two and Michaels tries a sunset flip but only gets two. Kennedy counters for two and Michaels rolls out into another two. Kennedy slides up for two, but Michaels bridges out into a backslide for yet another two. Kennedy scoops Michaels onto his shoulders, but as Michaels escapes, he tries the reverse Russian Leg Sweep. Michaels elbows out and tries the kick but Kennedy ducks and finally lands the Reverse Russian Leg Sweep for the win.
Winner: Kennedy
Elsewhere in the back Triple H meets with Tard Grisham to say he plans to beat Flair since he deserves to go out by the best or some bullshit. Not at all because he’d like an ego stroke. Nope. Vince and Regal suddenly appear (What will you do? Fight. Item. Pokemon. Run?). Vince tells Regal to tell him what will happen if Triple H loses, that being he won’t be in the Royal Rumble. Happy New Year.
Random Commercial Thought: We have a guy with a sword, quick give him some kind of ridiculous line to spout so we can make a meme of it like the rest of these movies.
It’s happy New Year from Big Dick Johnson, Jillian Hall and Ron Simmons. Wow. Just….wow. Elsewhere in the back Vince is talking to Regal when he gets a phone call from somebody whom I didn’t even care enough to pay attention to his name. Vince decides Regal should prove himself unlike when he slithered from Triple H and go up against Hornswoggle tonight. Regal says he won’t let him down. After that it’s a look back at Tribute to the troops, which hopefully somebody cares about. Unfortunately nobody managed to mistake Khali for a terrorist and shoot his ass, it’s not like he’s a hard to hit target folks. Pimping for JBL on Raw and more commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: For something called Resident Evil, the Evil seems to be pretty wide spread.
We come back to a Royal Rumble commercial and they replay Hacksaw Jim Duggan winning the first Royal rumble. Hacksaw will be in town with Layla at some event coming up soon. Guess who won’t be there? Speaking of Duggan, here he is for a qualifying match against Umaga.
Umaga vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan (Royal Rumble Qualifier)
This goes about as well as suspected. Duggan gets completely squished into a corner, the Ass Crash and the Spike finish the mop up. Hope you didn’t blink. Winner: Umaga
In the back, Cody and Holly are talking to Flair for no reason when Vince runs them off. Ric decided to subtly pimp a DX shirt for this scene while Vince tells him tonight it’s over and this is the last time he walks the aisle. If Vince can force him to lose his career the next time he loses a match, then why not just end it for him whenever? Logic in wrestling? Who the fuck needs it? Replay of Jericho losing thanks to a kick in the face from JBL. JBL is coming…but first more commercials!
Random Commercial Thought: Rambo, because we need more dead guys in the jungle.
What ensues as we return is the single longest entrance ever. Triple H and the Undertaker have nothing on this and were probably sitting in the back shaking there head as John drives out, walks to the ring and every time he holds his fist up, half a million dollars in red, white and blue pyros go off until he holds them both up and the entire arena explodes with them. There were no survivors. JBL says he doesn’t have to be here and he just loves power and domination hat’s why he owns lots of leather. What? Jericho eventually interrupts and comes running down the aisle to brawl with John in ringside amidst the balloons At least he lost the gay vest. The refs and trainers have to drag him off eventually. JBL is busted open as we go back to yet more commercials still.
Random Commercial Thought: I think I’ve seen quite enough commercials for 3:10 to Yuma which only reminds me that Triple H is supposed to be in a western coming up.
JBL is in the back screaming at the trainers and refs saying that nobody treats him like this. He demands respect because he will by and sell them apparently. I guess one anal rape in the shower suddenly makes him their pimp.
Off to ringside with a diva three way. And no, it’s not the good kind.
Melina vs. Mickie James vs. Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix (Women’s Title Triple Threat Match)
Melina hangs back to begin with while Mickie and Beth tie up. I like how Beth subtly becomes more and more like wonder woman. Melina shoves Mickie into Beth when she isn’t looking to spark them off then hides in the corners. Mickie tries to pick up a quick win, but Melina breaks up the pin at one. A chicken wing toss from Beth allows Melina to try for a two count but Beth drags her off. Beth gets a bitch slap and lifts Melina by the face, but Mickie makes the save. Mickie and Melina team up and both try kicks but she catches both their feet. A Sandwich Enziguiri knocks Phoenix out cold, but they fight over the pin. Neckbreaker by Mickie has Beth breaking up the pin. Melina is tossed to the apon and then knocked flat with a forearm. Mickie tries a head scissors, but Melina comes along the apron to head scissors Mickie and choke her out.
A senton to the face gets a two count on Beth for Melina when Mickie interrupts and lands a running dropkick for two on Melina. Beth finally just spears Mickie to the corner, but Mickie dodged the follow up and a roll up gets two, but Melina drags her off into another roll up for two. Mickie and Melina team up again and chuck Beth to the floor. They both follow with a double dropkick to keep her there. Mickie hits her DDT and Beth runs in with a huge boot to the skull. Mickie is tossed to the floor and Beth picks up the easy win on Melina with the Phoenix Arizona. Winner: Phoenix
Pimping for Flair/Hunter as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: If you haven’t seen the utter ridiculousness that is Dewmocracy.com I suggest you check it out right now.
Back to the show. It’s Vince escorting Regal to the ring who hasn’t even bothered to get out of his suit yet. I guess he decides that just minus the jacket will be enough for this one. What are those streaks on Hornswoggle’s face anyway? Does he just wipe his ass with his hand then scratch his forehead or something. Horny and Vince have to have a father/son chat and a hug before Vince starts the match off by telling them to shake hands. Horny breaks the shake quickly afraid of a dirty double cross I guess.
They ties up and Regal pretends to struggle in forcing him to the corner, practically choking Hornswoggle with the tie up to begin with. This is almost sad. This right here is the cancer that is killing the WWE. Good luck getting that reference. Back into the corner they go from the second tie up. This is kind of like watching Rosey/Trump again it’s so bad. Regal holds Hornswoggle by the collar and reels back his fist but decides not to finish the job. He looks disgusted at Vince and drags Horny over to him where they have a chat. Hornswoggle suddenly comes up from behind and kicks him in the back of the leg which pisses Regal back off yet again. Regal stops short though while Vince screams into the mic for him to get him and reveals the knux were in Regal’s jacket. He demands that Regal use them and he does put them on but still won’t do it. This is pathetic. I’m not even joking about how much I don’t care about this shit right now. Regal let’s Horny go and Vince comes into the ring to bitch slap him. Somebody call for the DQ! Vince says he was testing Regal and wants to know what happened to his insides, since he wouldn’t go through with it. He then tells Regal to take a walk. The crowd wants him to belt Vince one in the face, but he doesn’t and just walks to the back. Lame.
Random Commercial Thought: GIVE ME A FUCKING WHOPPER.
We return to a replay of Hardy dropping Orton earlier tonight. Hardy’s hair coloring tonight comes to you courtesy of Smurf Hairstylings at 21st and Woodlawn.
Speaking of Hardy, he’s back to take on the latest hot tag team of Morella and Carlito. Layla has managed to reach the epitome of gutter sluttiness it seems. It seems Carlito is just here for looks.
Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Santino Morella w/ Carlito and Gutterskank Barbie (Non-title Match)
Quick exchange with Hardy getting the better. Santino applauds him and sneaks in a cheap shot to Hardy, working him into the corner. He slings Hardy to the corner who comes back with a kick, but Santino trips him for a two count. The wrap around clothesline gets pretty botched and Hardy follows with the mule kick and the slingshot dropkick to the sternum in the corner. He calls for a Swanton in Greensborough when we hear the ominous voice of Orton, saying Jeff’s New Year will begin with him taking Matt to the hospital since he kicked him where his appendix used to be and he then proceeds to kick him in the head. Jeff runs off.
Winner: Santino by count out I guess?
For the second match in a row we have no official winner declared.
Random Commercial Thought: Is it time for bed yet?
Recap of what just happened and JR and King whine and bitch a lot about Hardy for a while. But now onto more important noses and the people attached to them. Triple H is in the back with Ric as they talk to each other. Ric says Hunter makes it sound like it’s over. Ric wants to know why Hunter says it is a forgone conclusion that he’ll lose and says he feels like he’s talking to himself twenty years ago right now. He says they’ll be friends the rest of his life like some kind of fucking Disney film. He says he expects him to be the man and it’s Flair country so he’s gotta be the man tonight too. He may be the best in the business today but he isn’t the man yet until he’s put Flair away. I like how apparently Hunter’s had his hair rinsed down already with water for seemingly no reason. I guess he just wanted to look more bad ass.
Random Commercial Thought: Some burglars are apparently dumb enough to just break open windows of houses they don’t even know are empty or not.
Back to the show where Trips is out for his match with old Ricky. Flair decided for his possibly last match he should pick out the single gayest robe he has. I think he must have borrowed this one from Ravishing Rick Rude. It’s pink and light purple. Ric drops the robe and some kind of sagging heap that slightly resembles ric Flair emerges instead.
Ric Flair vs. triple H (Career vs. Royal Rumble Slot Match)
Ric draws power from the crown and struts and whoos about. Trips forces him down into a side headlock and a hammer lock. Flair uses a side headlock take down to pick up a two count followed by a one count. Flair stops himself at the ropes from an Irish whip and struts his way down the ropes with a slicking back of his hair. Trips stalks about looking all pissed off or something. They stare down across the ring and finally tie up again. Shoulder block levels Flair and Ric dusts himself off. Another side headlock as I’m beginning to wonder if we can do something else. Flair actually does a nice hiplock and lands Trips with a knife edge chop. Hunter rolls back to the ropes and recovers.
Tie up sends Ric to the corner and they look like they’re going to make out or something. Trips manages a clean break and Ric forces him back into the corner himself. Trips drops him with a stiff shot and drags him back up with another hard shot. JR decides to say Trips only has 11 title reigns since apparently that one hour one doesn’t count or something, leaving it up to future trivia buffs to count I guess. Brawl starts in the corner with Ric firing up with chops, forcing Trips back to the corner, but Hunter comes out with a shoulder block and follows with a running knee drop. He delivers a second to the back of the head this time and ric escapes to the corner for safety. Hunter drags him back up and makes Ric eat turnbuckle, laying in with right, but Flair powers back with punches and chops. Trips is rocked against the ropes, but a back body drop is countered into the face buster for two for Trips. Short uppercut sends Ric to the turnbuckle and a neck breaker gets two again.
Flair powers out of the corner again with knife edge chops. This time when Flair goes back to the ropes, it turns out sour yet again (Why the fuck does he keep trying that?) With a spine buster meeting him this time. Trips tries a pedigree and Flair counters it into a backslide, but Trips wriggles free at two and stomps Ric down. Flair comes off the ropes into a sleeper hold. Ric starts to rally which has the oddly hypnotic effect of making Triple H slow motion hump him. Flair escapes with a back suplex. I lose a bit of footage here but eh, what the fuck all roads lead to Rome which is…
Flair locks on the Figure Four and Triple H starts to drag himself back along the mat, dragging himself to the ropes. He finally latches on and Ric breaks the hold at a four count. Ric backs off, but when he comes back, Triple H lays in with the Pedigree. Trips rolls around holding his knee in pain and crying like a little girl. Bitch. He drags himself along the ground for the pin, but suddenly regal appears and drags Ric’s head to the apron to bash him in the face with the brass knux.
Winner: Flair
Well, that was…special. That pretty much ends our show, Regal slightly redeems himself, Triple H is out of the rumble and Ric still has a job. And a Happy New Year was had by all.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
