RAW RANT ARCHIVE (December 2006)
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December 04, 2006
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December 25, 2006
WWE RAW RANT: (12/04/06) By Cameron Burge
Welcome back to the Raw Rant, which is a lot like Stonehenge, only without the monoliths
or the dwarves daring to trod upon their miniature replicas to the tune of classic rock music.
…….What was I talking about again?
Raw 12.04.06
Welcome to the show. We got theme, we got pyro and we got a eight man tag for a main event,
but first we have John Cena. He comes out to tell us about Umaga and even manages to make a Blazing Saddles joke (No doubt
with Shelton Benjamin as the Black Sheriff) in saying Umaga speaks frontier Gibberish, as opposed to the gibberish of Samoa
I suppose. He tells Armando he is ready to fight Umaga right now. Instead of Umaga we get Melina which I qualify as a definite
upgrade. Unfortunately she tells us that January first will be Fed-ex’s wrestling debut against Cena. Oh joy! Oh Rapture!
Cena says that if Nitro is the one training him to be a man, Melina must have trained Britney to be a slut. Melina decides
she won’t be taking that lying down (unlike how she takes just about everything else). She delivers a big bitch slap
and Cena decides to send a mission t Britney’s ex with an FU, but Masters runs in. Cena fights him off and tosses him,
but Coach is out.
Coach says he hired Masters to teach a lesson (which seems to be going well….) and
declares Cena has to take the Masterlock Challenge. If he loses he has to defend his title. He then goes on to say Coach sings
Too Sexy for My Shirt to himself when nobody is watching, only to reveal we were watching in those infamous bathroom cameras.
Believe me when I say the ensuing footage was too horrifying for words. Coach gets so pissed he ups the stakes to make Cena’s
Challenge into a title match as well. If he can’t break it, he loses the belt. Oh look a commercial! Let’s fetch
it!
Random Commercial Thought: Black Christmas is not to be confused with Latino Christmas.
We come back to the locker rooms with De-Degeneration X when Kenny shows up. They ask if
he is here to do a cheer for him, but he says the Spirit Squad is now dead and wants to join with them against DX. Edge tells
him that Kenny needs to prove himself first. We go to Lillian in the ring to give us an update on Piper’s cancer (What
about Flair? He had his fucking head bashed to a pulp! Obviously he needs surgery too. That wouldn‘t have been a work,
right?….Right?). The next match is dedicated to his speedy recovering and features everyone’s favorite backup
Scotts, the Highlanders. They are wearing Piper shirts tonight. They’re taking on Cade & Murdoch.
The Highlanders vs. The Rednecks
Rory and Robbie start off a Hot Rod chant which is short lived by standing on the turnbuckles,
but the rednecks jump them from behind Rory avoids a double clothesline, distracting them long enough for Robbie to come off
the top rope with a dropkick on them. They subsequently toss the rednecks to the floor as we decide to ignore the existence
of tags for a moment it seems. Rory and Murdoch get in the ring and Rory has early advantage until he gets caught by a cheap
shot to the back of the head from Cade. The ref is distracted by Robbie the hole time as a double team big boot knocks
Rory’s lights out. Clubbing blows keep Rory down as Cade stalks around like a deflated Tiger not using anything like
steroids stalking its prey.
Murdoch tags in and comes off the top tope with an odd double sledge move to a lying opponent
which is not at all a setup to a boot in the jaw from Rory. Rory makes the tag to Robbie who starts cleaning house only for
Cade to club him in the back of the head. Robbie dodges the tandem finisher and Rory drags Murdoch outside for Robbie to score
a rollup win.
Winner: Highlanders
Winner: Highlanders
They pimp the main event and Cena’s K-fed match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Can a Bowflex even fire arrows?
Back to the show. We get a review of Victoria earning her title shot. Maria is out for a
match with said psycho and here she comes. And Daaaaaamn girl, how’d you get all that ass in dem shorts? Bet you had
to jump up and down just to put ‘em on…
The match starts and ends just about that fast. In fact I wasn’t done typing that last
joke yet. Victoria has a check list of Diva’s and marks off Maria. Though she doesn’t seem to be checking it twice.
Mickie is checking on Maria and Victoria comes in to viciously knee her in the face. A Widow’s peak finishes her off
as she claws her hair and apparently kicks imaginary cat litter onto the corpse. JR and King remark over Candice and Maria
already being checked off, asking who will be next…you know, despite having the fucking LIST in front of them. Commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Fun Fact- There wasn’t a Dead or Alive Extreme 1.
Back to the show. We come back to a WWE special in an old folks home. The activities administrator
tells them to quit down and introduces their guests, Cryme Tyme. They come in to sing some Christmas Carols. They begin with
Reggie the Red Faced Crack Head. They then follow up with Silent Night (Criminal Acts Mix). The reaction shots fill
my heart with the Christmas Spirit. Or is that gas? They do a remix of Let it Snow as Give us Gold, demanding all their jewelry.
As they leave, the coordinator says this was an insult. The old woman tells him not to mess with her homies or she’ll
break her foot off in his ass. (Which when you’re that brittle isn’t hard). In the back Shelton is pissed that
Tard, Hacksaw and Super Crazy are laughing at that for reinforcing racial stereotypes. Everything he says to Crazy is met
wit a “Si”. Shelton asks them if Crazy even understands what he’s saying before challenging him to a match.
Super Crazy says “No problem punk ass, Bi-atch!” before running like most Mexican’s tend to do.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m down with the OCD.
Back to the show where Shelton is in the ring telling us Cryme Tyme is a joke. So he says
Super Crazy has to pay the price for them. He says that instead of making fun of an upstanding, god looking, well “educlated”
black man like himself, he has to take a beating. The Lawnmower fires up and here comes Crazy. He flips into the ring and
here we go.
Shelton Benjamin vs. Super Crazy
Shelton just casually kicks him down, hitting some right and gouging the eyes. Shelton keeps
the pressure on and whips Crazy to the ropes who stop short of a super kick that is an obvious botch. Crazy conveniently stands
still so Shelton can follow with a second and nail him dead. Shelton sets Crazy up in the corner for a Stinger Splash which
JR now calls the Shelton Splash for some reason, but misses. Crazy goes up top and eats mat for his trouble, letting Shelton
pick up an easy three.
Winner: Shelton
Winner: Shelton
After the match, Haas show up and taunts Crazy, jumping around while Benji looks dumbfounded.
He raises Shelton’s hand as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Ever wander if Sonic snorts coke?
Back to the show. We are ready for the Challenge and as Masters comes out, King tells us
the following (including awkward pause): “Cena has to sit down in that chair and let Masters….get the Masterlock
on him.” Cena follows it soon enough, taking his dear sweet time getting ready in stripping his extra gear down. Masters
pets the chair for him to sit down in it.
Masterlock Challenge: John Cena
Cena takes his seat and when Masters goes for the hold, Cena tosses his arms off and whirls
on him. “No copping a feel!” he may or may not have said that. Cena gets back into position and Masters locks
in the hold, pulling Cena from the chair, slinging him around. Cena goes all red faced like fucking Hellboy as he fights,
trying to break free. Cena falls to a knee, but pops right back up. Cena starts to fade, but as the crowd rallies behind him,
he pops back up and rams Masters into the turnbuckle, screaming like fucking King Kong. He almost does it, but Masters holds
on by one finger. The ref gets squashed in the corner when Masters panics and forces Cena into him. Cena and Masters fight,
but Cena locks on the MASTERfull Neslon this time. The ref decides to be okay with this and waits for Masters to tap before
declaring Cena the winner.
Winner: Cena
Winner: Cena
After the Challenge, Umaga’s music hits and he and Cena starts brawling with refs trying
to pull them apart with the help of security. Estrada sneaks in a cheap shot on Cena and he and Umaga spill to the floor.
Cena is slung over the announce table, knocking out King’s microphone which allows a voice to be heard saying. “John,
you okay?” It takes a good long while to break them apart. It looks like they have Umaga taken care of and he is retreating
when Umaga decks too security guards and then walks away as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Coninuity Don’t Mattuh according to our own James Walker.
We come back to a recap of what just happened before we go to the back with Torrie getting
a drink. Viscera tries to make the moves on her saying Carlito ain’t enough for her. Carlito shows up and says it’s
okay before saying he obviously likes nice women and food, and he approves of his choice in women, but he needs to eat healthier
like apples. Viscera tries to ignore him and make more moves, but Carlito spit’s the apple in his face and leaves with
Torrie. Viscera asks for a towel and who hands it to him? None other than Farooq. We get out obligatory Damn for the night
and a recap of Flair being annihilated.
Tard has DX in the back….and no they are not tied up in bondage gear. Hunter just stares
at the camera like a fucking cardboard cutout while Shawn talks for a while, saying they’ve come to know Flair as a
close friend and now they’ve made it personal. Shawn says that will be nothing compared to what they are going to do
to them. He walks off and Hunter snarls as we go to commercial again. “Hunter, smash!”
Random Commercial Thought: Black Christmas or Rocky 6? Those are my Christmas Theatrical
choices?
This week in wrestling history is four guys who no longer work for the company as Jericho
won the Undisputed Championship. Carlito comes out with Torrie and JR tells us you know what they say, an Apple a Day. To
which King asks “Does what?” The awkward silence that ensues is broken by Viscera’s theme and we are off.
Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Torrie Wilson vs. Viscera
Carlito’s punches are met with a shove and viscera launches into big slow chops in
the corner. Hip toss sends Carlito to the opposite corner for illegal choking. Carlito escapes and hits some more lefts, but
a big clothesline just sort of squishes our Afro Hero to the mat. Viscera keeps the pressure on, but misses his big elbow
drop. Carlito comes at him with lefts and the Million Dollar Knee Lift. Viscera staggers then hit’s a boss man slam.
The big man goes for his running body slam, but Torrie grabs his leg and gets dragged in. She has a wardrobe malfunction and
curls up in the corner as Carlito lands a missile dropkick. Carlito follows with a springboard and a moonsault for the win.
Torrie’s top falls apart completely as she hugs and makes out with Carlito to celebrate.
Winner: Carlito
Winner: Carlito
In the back, Estrada says Umaga and Cena are no longer allowed to touch. Cena grabs him and
growls, making him cry and shiver as he says touching him is just as bad. He starts to blubber and threaten shooting Cena.
Cena starts saying Estrada told him Coach is in his pocket and he is actually running the show while Coach is standing in
the background. The Coach gets pissed and breaks them up, making a match next week between the two as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: GORE GORE GORE!
Val is doing the kiss cam and tries to get two hot girls on the front row to kiss. They obviously
aren’t plants at ALL. In similar outfits….he demands they kiss in the ring and it’s just a quick peck. He
gets pissed and they get boos. He pumps up the crowd and then they make out in the ring, rolling around and….hugging….and……..
. . . …Wait, what? Anyway, Eugene interrupts. He takes Val’s microphone and says he wants a kiss. He asks for
a kiss from each girls because special. He demands one from the blonde and Val pulls him off her. Eugene backs off then sledges
Val in the back of the head with the microphone. He beats Val up while screaming he’s special. A DDT plants the porn
star and he gets on the announce table to scream his specialness in their faces. JR says he looked like a man possessed. I
think JR must have seen several cases of demonic possession in his life, since he seems to be an expert on what it looks like
Random Commercial Thought; There is in fact an entire series of Bourne Novels which
the current Bourne Movies are based off of, ensuring the possibility of plentiful sequels.
Back to the show and they pimp out Estrada/Cena match next week as De-degeneration X makes
their entrance. MNM makes their entrance and Nitro no longer blocks Melina’s entrance, but instead the cameraman just
happens to cut to a FREAKISHLY far away view. The Hardy’s just sort of hop out really quick since MNM and DX are burning
up all our fucking entrance time. Once we are all out, everyone jumps into the ring and it’s off.
The Hardy Boys & Degeneration X vs. De-Degeneration X & MNM (Eight Man Tag Match)
The brawl ensues and the faces tosses the heels to the floor. Hunter slams Orton into the
announce table on the outside several times over. He tosses Randy back into the ring and starts the match off proper. Hunter
stomps a mudhole in Randy in the corner, viciously choking him multiple times with the ref dragging him off. Shawn tags in
and hit’s a huge swinging neck breaker on Orton. Big chops follow with a tag to Hunter. Shawn holds Orton for a kick
to the midsection who tackles Orton into mounted punching. Nitro tags in and comes running at Hunter who clubs him with a
huge clothesline, spinning him head over heels. Hunter tags in Matt.
Hardy hit’s a nice leg drop on Nitro for two, tagging in Jeff. He tosses Nitro into
a head butt to the midsection from Jeff, then a leap over the ropes. Jeff gets two off a kick to the head then tags Matt in.
MNM is both in the ring and they get stacked in corner for poetry in motion. The Hardys are dominating as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Do we really need to see Monk in black and white just because
it’s cheaper to shoot?
Back to the show. Jeff is hitting standing punches in the corner, only to leap off into a
dropkick from Nitro to the midsection. Mercury makes the quick tag in, hitting several rights and a quick two count. Orton
tags in and starts beating Jeff down into the mat with heavy stomps. JR speaks my mind in asking for them to shut Melina’s
shrieking up. MNM basically begins to dissect Jeff as somewhere in the building a gunshot sound goes off twice…make
that four times. Edge finally tags in and almost lets Jeff get the tag before shutting him down with…a CHINLOCK (take
a shot). Orton tags in and he punches Hardy around a bit before tagging back to Edge. They hit a combination reverse neck
breaker and side slam for two when Matt breaks it up. Orton tags back in and stomps on Jeff several times over before flying
into a big knee drop for two.
Orton reverts to the reverse chinlock as JR even notes how much he loves to use it (take
a shot). MNM is in and Hardy dodges them to make the tag. Matt is in to crush MNM and Edge attacks him. DX jumps in to put
a stop to that and all hell breaks loose. Everyone is running around and I’m not sure what is happens. Three men leap
over the ropes simultaneously into people on the outside, but only Michaels is cared about by the announcers. Hunter hit’s
the Spine buster on Orton in the ring when Kenny comes form nowhere in the crowd to club Michaels with a chair. Hunter
chases him, dodging the chair while the ref checks on the others. Matt sets up Orton for Jeff who goes up top, but Edge tosses
him to the floor to spear Matt for the win.
Winners: De-degeneration X & MNM
Winners: De-degeneration X & MNM
DX drags Kenny into the ring after the match for Sweet Chin Music and a Pedigree as the show
goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Cryme Tyme Boooyyyyeeeeee. Need I say more? No. I needn’t.
Lowlight of the Night: The MASTERfull Nelson remains unbroken while somehow Cena wins
by Submission. Does that even make sense? That’s pretty Eugene in itself but….
Eugene Award: Eugene takes the cake himself once again, but assaulting women "obviously
not planted" and beating up an innocent porn star. I don’t even know if Val is into that kind of thing, though that
would explain why a porn star would get into wresting.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (12/11/06) By Cameron Burge
Merry fucking Christmas all you Athiests, Jews, nondenominationals, and just about any
other HEATHEN religion out there. That’s right! You heard me. Voodoo is the way to go. Get with the main stream.
Raw 12.11.07
The show opens with John Cena headed to the ring after our general theme and puro opening. Estrada is out afterward but he’s still dressed to the nines in his suit with a box of cigars. He grabs a mic and tells us to listen. He basically tries to bribe Cena off with the cigars and it’s clear to him that nobody here wants to see the match. In case you forgot, Umaga was banned from ringside last week. He says it’s important they call the match off and he brought him some peace offerings. Cena holds a cigar up and breaks it in half. Estrada says it is okay because smoking is back. He says a man of Cena’s stature and importance needs a nice watch. He offers his own diamond watch. That doesn’t go over either and Estrada is getting more desperate than a welfare mom on Wednesday (or whenever the check hasn’t come in yet....I got nothing) night. Estrada gives him cash and Cena walks out, only to toss the cash to the crowd before taking off his shirt and Estrada’s hat.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Armando Alejandra Estrada (Non-title Match)
Cena kicks him a couple of times in the corner and sends Estrada to the floor. Estrada swings with brass knux and Cena catches his fist, twisting it until Estrada is screaming in pain on the ground. Cena removes the knux and gives them to the ref, before chopping Estrada heard enough to shatter the cigars in his jacket pocket. Cena uses some mounted punches and finishes with an FU.
Winner: Cena
After the match, Cena puts on a freaking sloppy STFU that Estrada taps out to despite his head not even being touched by Cena’s hands. Nitro comes out and kicks Cena in the back of the head before getting a mic from Melina to tell him that is exactly the type of the move he’s taught Fed-x. JR says he wonders what the spread on that match will be and no it doesn’t involve Melina at all.
Random Commercial Thought: Oh hell yeah! Get your child a creepy looking muscular Lashly figure for Christmas.
Back to the show. Cena is pissed at being asked for a comment about K-Fed and Nitro. He says tonight he’s challenging Nitro to a match to give his opponent a preview. After that, King gets in the ring in a white leotard that makes him look like the world’s scariest Russian ballerina. He’s teaming up with Carlito to take on Masters.
Jerry Lawler & Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Chris Masters & Viscera
King starts off with Masters. And has anyone seen Carlito’s Goatee? It makes him look like Bob Marley’s retarded cousin. King dodges an elbow drop and Masters chucks him to the corner, tagging in Viscera. Viscera misses a corner charge and decides to crush him with some heavy rights instead. Carlito stops a three count after an elbow drop from Viscera before the big man goes for the chin lock (take a shot). Viscera’s sit down powerbomb pin is broken by Carlito too. The crowd rallies for Jerry and someone throws a chair. Okay that part might not have happened. King finally makes a tag shortly thereafter to Carlito who spring board elbows Viscera and counters a military press by Masters with a dropkick.
Carlito runs at Viscera into a huge Bossman Slam, but King comes in with rights only to eat a headbutt. Masters locks on the MASTERfull on Carlito, but he slips loose first while King is eating flab in the corner. King tosses Viscera out of the ring while Carlito rolls up Masters for three.
Winners: King & Carlito
After the match it’s time for sweet sweet commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ll wrap up some fucking Wow for you.
Back to the show. The Highlanders are winning at the card game to Cryme Tyme. There’s some random white shirt bastard there too. They go double or nothing, but Cryme Tyme wins. Haas shows up and gets pissed at them for perpetuating racial stereotypes. Tweedle Dee takes off his hat and grill and speaks eloquently before putting them back on and punking Haas out. Shelton show sup to say tonight The World’s Greatest Tag Team is back. The highlanders say they didn’t know Haas is black. Elsewhere, Rated RKO rejects Kenny again saying he didn’t help them win with that chair last week, he just got beat up after the match. Edge tells him to watch a man work as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I would so totally put leeches on myself if it were cool.
Back to the show. They tell us next week we’ll be starting an hour early with a thirty man battle royal for a shot at Cena’s belt. Oh yippy skippy. I’m fucking excited can’t you tell? The Highlanders are out again, once again dedicating it to Piper. Shelton and Haas are back and here we go.
The Highlanders vs. Bacardi & Cola
Haas starts us off with Rory who gains the early advanatage, tossing Haas to the mat and tagging in Robbie. Robbie comes off the top with a headbutt for two and Shelton puts a stop to his momentum with a cheapshot from the outside shortly thereafter. Haas makes a tag to Benjamin, whipping him into a knee to the back from the BLACK man. Shelton keeps the pressure on in the corner, making a quick tag back out, to scoop slam Robbie into a backbreaker by Haas for two. Shelton tries an abdominal Stretch after tagging back in, but Robbie fights out. He almost gets caught in it again, but makes the tag. Rory starts to dominate, but Shelton just takes his head right off. Robbie tries to make the save, but Shelton superkicks him right out of the ring. Haas hangs Rory up on the rope, Shelton leapfrogging over him with a double axe handle into a roll up with some tight by Haas for the win.
Winners: Shelton & Haas
They confirm the Cena/ Nitro match as happening before showing Hunter looking pissed in the back as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Being a star IS easy, you just need to do something retarded.
Back to the show. This week in wrestling history is AWA’s only PPV. Trips is out for the match with Edge and he plays in with his old Game theme for once.
Triple H vs. Edge
This match starts off hard and fast. Big clotheslines and fists, the fight immediately spills to the floor with Hunter slamming Edge’s face hard into the announcer’s table. He tosses Edge into the ring, hanging him over the apron for hard clubs to the chest. Edge counters when they get back in, coming at Hunter with rights only to eat a high knee and some mat. Edge gets up on the apron and Hunter just runs at him to knock him to the floor. Edge tries to take a walk, but Hunter runs after him, leaping from behind with an axe handle smash. Trips has it in hand when Orton attacks from behind.
Winner: Trips
Michaels saves the day, but Kenny comes to regain the advantage until Flair shows up to even things back up. Coach gets all pissed apparently at the sheer Maximum Carnage (not to be confused with the Sega Gensis/Super Nintendo game. Actually, that was a pretty damn good game. One of the best Spiderman beat-em-ups....Anyway...uh....what was I talking about?). The Coach makes it a six man tag starting now...after these words from out sponsors.
Random Commercial Thought: What’s wrong with mass slaughter on Christmas Eve? It worked for Goldberg.
Back to the show.
Ric Flair & Degeneration X vs. De-degeneration X & Kenny (Six Man Tag)
Hunter is in the ring, crushing Kenny like a schoolgirl in a back alley when he tags in Michaels. Michaels uses Kenny’s headband to illegally choke him for a ridiculously long time before stomping on him in the middle of the ring. Hunter tags in to hit Flair’s running knee drop to the back of the knee, weakening the leg. He tags in Flair who spits in edge’s face and when he comes in, he beats him down with punches and chops. Flair keeps beating the hell out of him on the ground before taunting at the leg. The ref stops Kenny from running in, but it allows Orton to hit a dropkick on Flair.
Edge recovers and shuts Flair down from there, tagging in Kenny shortly afterward. JR says Kenny is unfortunately without a last name as the former cheerleader almost picks up three off a sideslam on Ric. Edge tags back in, beating Flair down into the corner with rights. Flair tries to rally back with chops, but eats canvas for his trouble for another close fall. Edge tries ye olde headlock of doom (take a shot) when Flair breaks loose. Edge comes at him off the ropes right into a chop that floors him. Michaels tags in and cleans house of course, sending the heels off the apron and leveling Edge. He scoop slams him and hits the elbow drop. Michaels fires up and hits Sweet Chin Music, only for Orton to slide in and hit the RKO as we go back to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I disagree, couches are fucking dangerous, evil things.
Shawn is chop warring with Orton in the center of the ring to fight back. Orton tries a back body drop that gets countered into a swinging neck breaker. Both men start crawling toward their corners. Edge gets the tag first and misses a top rope "whatever the fuck I’m doing" move where he just rams his face into the mat. Kenny and Hunter tag in and Hunter dominates. Edge starts getting heavy fists in the corner when Orton puts a stop to it. Hunter gets pissed and dumps him to the floor, hitting the spine buster. Everyone soon spills into the ring as Flair tags in. Flair’s Figure four is broken by Orton and Kenny tries it on Flair. Flair just rolls him up for the three.
Winners: Flair & DX
The heels jump in afterward after a spear on Flair to beat the faces down. Edge fetches chairs and set Michaels up for a Conchairto, but Trips grabs Sledgie and smashes Edge’s chair away with it. We go to the back and Nitro is talking with Fed-x on the phone. He and Melina tell him they will beat Cena tonight. Coach comes in and talks to K-fed who asks who the hell he is. He tells Nitro he’s going to give him an IC title opportunity and they walk off talking about it, leaving K-fed asking if anyone is still there to say something. Farooq walks up to utter his usual line, begging the question of how the fuck he got in there when the entrance was the other direction as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Bully- psychologically abuse your imaginary friends.
Back to the show. They recap Victoria last week. Carlito is talking to Torrie in the back and wishing her good luck with some making out right in front of her probably nasty ass smelling dog. She’s worried about getting checked off the list of course. Speaking of Vicky, here she is, list in hand. But shouldn’t she be checking it twice....starting with Torrie?....please?
Victoria vs. Torrie Wilson w/ Puppy
They tie up and Torrie gets stomped right into the mat. Torrie hooks her under the bottom rope, monkey flipping her into it before putting on some retarded looking leg hold with her foot on Torrie’s head. She supposedly bites off Torrie’s fingernail and spits it out at the crowd. Torrie tries a rollup for two and Victoria pulls her up into a Widow’s peak for three.
Winner: Victoria
After the match, Victoria checks off her list and Masters slides in to put Torrie in a MASTERfull Nelson out of nowhere. Carlito decides to put a stop to that and they have a stare down....from very far away as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: PSP. Where we do everything you want....except play any good games...or work correctly...uh....we play movies!
Back to the show. Some Umaga footage before we go to ringside. Umaga is out by himself without Estrada.
Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga (Non-title Match)
Hardy tries a sunset flip on Umaga, but can’t seem to get the sun to set in it. Umaga goes for a sit down, but Umaga slips out of the way. He swings into a dropkick through the ropes on the apron to Umaga to send him to his back, following with a flip over splash for two. Jeff tries to rally back after a few hard shots form Umaga, hitting the Whisper in the Wind as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Country Singing requires grace, skill...and a lot of beer.
Back to the show. Umaga is tossing Hardy back in from the floor, beating him down on the floor. He places the Vulcan Neck Pinch on Hardy beating him with a forearm at the same time. Hardy flips out of a lift to hit a dropkick to the back when Umaga just decides to squish Hardy by running him right the fuck over. Umaga climbs up top like a tattooed King Kong leaping off for a splash that totally bomb. Hardy climbs up top instead and hits the Swanton Bomb, but Umaga throws him off at two. Hardy tries the Twist of Fate which has worked...never. Umaga throws him to the ropes and counters with a Samoan Drop. Tree of Woe leads to a running headbutt dive on Hardy then the Ass Crash. He follows with the Ass Crash part Deux. The ref calls the match after that one.
Winner: Umaga
After the match, Umaga is pissed he can’t continue so he hits the Samoan Spike on the ref then follows with it on Hardy. He gives so much thumbs up he looks like the fucking Fonz if he weighed 250 more pounds and were ugly as hell. It makes me wonder if Umaga should have starred in Thumb Wars as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I know how to lose a guy in even less than that. it will only take one day if you just tell him you’re really a man, I swear.
Back to the show. They recap Nitro kicking Cena earlier before we get ready for our main event. JR says the village called asking for their idiot back to Nitro for blocking our view. Their huge long intro is finally voer and Cena’s takes about two seconds as he runs down to club Nitro.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Johnny Nitro w/ Melina (Non-title Match)
Cena launches into an assault, hitting a running elbow drop before tossing his shirt. He reverses a back body drops and clotheslines Nitro before ramming his head into the turnbuckle hard. Cena hits some rights then whips him to the other corner, only to run into a reverse elbow. Cena hits a back body drop followed by a boot to the face. Cena simply continues to dominate this match, hitting huge corner clotheslines, and more right hands and very few real moves. Nitro tries a roll up with the feet on the ropes, but our ref catches it. Cena scoops Nitro to an FU, but he hits a thumb to the eye to escape. Nitro dropkicks him to the floor and tosses Cena right into the steel steps. Nitro covers for two back in the ring, following with a second two count directly after.
Nitro tries some mounted punching. Cena tries to come at Nitro, but he pulls the ropes down, sending him to the floor while Melina points and laughs. Back in the ring, Nitro continues with stomps, but Cena counters with a right. They start a brawl and Cena gains the advantage, only to be beaten with a thumb to the eye. Nitro goes for a sleeper instead. Cena escapes, but Nitro goes right back to the sleeper.
Cena finally powers back, but Melina distracts him, allowing Nitro to score a two count off a cheap shot. He goes up top for a corkscrew moonsault onto Cena’s leg which only gets another two. Cena suddenly counters back with a clothesline off an irish whip, going into his usual assault. Protobomb, etc, FU and the pin.
Winner: Cena
Cena celebrates as the show goes off the air and they pimp the battle royal next week.
Highlight of the Night: An excellent return of Tag team wrestling when the highlander return to jobbing for the returning Bicardi & Cola.
Lowlight of the Night: Umaga gets to crush our Intercontinental Champion just for the hell of it. Both annoying, and boring.
Eugene Award: Torrie Wilson being a replacement for Trish Stratus in Carlito’s life? Talk about trading down to an older, used model.
Raw 12.11.07
The show opens with John Cena headed to the ring after our general theme and puro opening. Estrada is out afterward but he’s still dressed to the nines in his suit with a box of cigars. He grabs a mic and tells us to listen. He basically tries to bribe Cena off with the cigars and it’s clear to him that nobody here wants to see the match. In case you forgot, Umaga was banned from ringside last week. He says it’s important they call the match off and he brought him some peace offerings. Cena holds a cigar up and breaks it in half. Estrada says it is okay because smoking is back. He says a man of Cena’s stature and importance needs a nice watch. He offers his own diamond watch. That doesn’t go over either and Estrada is getting more desperate than a welfare mom on Wednesday (or whenever the check hasn’t come in yet....I got nothing) night. Estrada gives him cash and Cena walks out, only to toss the cash to the crowd before taking off his shirt and Estrada’s hat.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Armando Alejandra Estrada (Non-title Match)
Cena kicks him a couple of times in the corner and sends Estrada to the floor. Estrada swings with brass knux and Cena catches his fist, twisting it until Estrada is screaming in pain on the ground. Cena removes the knux and gives them to the ref, before chopping Estrada heard enough to shatter the cigars in his jacket pocket. Cena uses some mounted punches and finishes with an FU.
Winner: Cena
After the match, Cena puts on a freaking sloppy STFU that Estrada taps out to despite his head not even being touched by Cena’s hands. Nitro comes out and kicks Cena in the back of the head before getting a mic from Melina to tell him that is exactly the type of the move he’s taught Fed-x. JR says he wonders what the spread on that match will be and no it doesn’t involve Melina at all.
Random Commercial Thought: Oh hell yeah! Get your child a creepy looking muscular Lashly figure for Christmas.
Back to the show. Cena is pissed at being asked for a comment about K-Fed and Nitro. He says tonight he’s challenging Nitro to a match to give his opponent a preview. After that, King gets in the ring in a white leotard that makes him look like the world’s scariest Russian ballerina. He’s teaming up with Carlito to take on Masters.
Jerry Lawler & Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Chris Masters & Viscera
King starts off with Masters. And has anyone seen Carlito’s Goatee? It makes him look like Bob Marley’s retarded cousin. King dodges an elbow drop and Masters chucks him to the corner, tagging in Viscera. Viscera misses a corner charge and decides to crush him with some heavy rights instead. Carlito stops a three count after an elbow drop from Viscera before the big man goes for the chin lock (take a shot). Viscera’s sit down powerbomb pin is broken by Carlito too. The crowd rallies for Jerry and someone throws a chair. Okay that part might not have happened. King finally makes a tag shortly thereafter to Carlito who spring board elbows Viscera and counters a military press by Masters with a dropkick.
Carlito runs at Viscera into a huge Bossman Slam, but King comes in with rights only to eat a headbutt. Masters locks on the MASTERfull on Carlito, but he slips loose first while King is eating flab in the corner. King tosses Viscera out of the ring while Carlito rolls up Masters for three.
Winners: King & Carlito
After the match it’s time for sweet sweet commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ll wrap up some fucking Wow for you.
Back to the show. The Highlanders are winning at the card game to Cryme Tyme. There’s some random white shirt bastard there too. They go double or nothing, but Cryme Tyme wins. Haas shows up and gets pissed at them for perpetuating racial stereotypes. Tweedle Dee takes off his hat and grill and speaks eloquently before putting them back on and punking Haas out. Shelton show sup to say tonight The World’s Greatest Tag Team is back. The highlanders say they didn’t know Haas is black. Elsewhere, Rated RKO rejects Kenny again saying he didn’t help them win with that chair last week, he just got beat up after the match. Edge tells him to watch a man work as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I would so totally put leeches on myself if it were cool.
Back to the show. They tell us next week we’ll be starting an hour early with a thirty man battle royal for a shot at Cena’s belt. Oh yippy skippy. I’m fucking excited can’t you tell? The Highlanders are out again, once again dedicating it to Piper. Shelton and Haas are back and here we go.
The Highlanders vs. Bacardi & Cola
Haas starts us off with Rory who gains the early advanatage, tossing Haas to the mat and tagging in Robbie. Robbie comes off the top with a headbutt for two and Shelton puts a stop to his momentum with a cheapshot from the outside shortly thereafter. Haas makes a tag to Benjamin, whipping him into a knee to the back from the BLACK man. Shelton keeps the pressure on in the corner, making a quick tag back out, to scoop slam Robbie into a backbreaker by Haas for two. Shelton tries an abdominal Stretch after tagging back in, but Robbie fights out. He almost gets caught in it again, but makes the tag. Rory starts to dominate, but Shelton just takes his head right off. Robbie tries to make the save, but Shelton superkicks him right out of the ring. Haas hangs Rory up on the rope, Shelton leapfrogging over him with a double axe handle into a roll up with some tight by Haas for the win.
Winners: Shelton & Haas
They confirm the Cena/ Nitro match as happening before showing Hunter looking pissed in the back as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Being a star IS easy, you just need to do something retarded.
Back to the show. This week in wrestling history is AWA’s only PPV. Trips is out for the match with Edge and he plays in with his old Game theme for once.
Triple H vs. Edge
This match starts off hard and fast. Big clotheslines and fists, the fight immediately spills to the floor with Hunter slamming Edge’s face hard into the announcer’s table. He tosses Edge into the ring, hanging him over the apron for hard clubs to the chest. Edge counters when they get back in, coming at Hunter with rights only to eat a high knee and some mat. Edge gets up on the apron and Hunter just runs at him to knock him to the floor. Edge tries to take a walk, but Hunter runs after him, leaping from behind with an axe handle smash. Trips has it in hand when Orton attacks from behind.
Winner: Trips
Michaels saves the day, but Kenny comes to regain the advantage until Flair shows up to even things back up. Coach gets all pissed apparently at the sheer Maximum Carnage (not to be confused with the Sega Gensis/Super Nintendo game. Actually, that was a pretty damn good game. One of the best Spiderman beat-em-ups....Anyway...uh....what was I talking about?). The Coach makes it a six man tag starting now...after these words from out sponsors.
Random Commercial Thought: What’s wrong with mass slaughter on Christmas Eve? It worked for Goldberg.
Back to the show.
Ric Flair & Degeneration X vs. De-degeneration X & Kenny (Six Man Tag)
Hunter is in the ring, crushing Kenny like a schoolgirl in a back alley when he tags in Michaels. Michaels uses Kenny’s headband to illegally choke him for a ridiculously long time before stomping on him in the middle of the ring. Hunter tags in to hit Flair’s running knee drop to the back of the knee, weakening the leg. He tags in Flair who spits in edge’s face and when he comes in, he beats him down with punches and chops. Flair keeps beating the hell out of him on the ground before taunting at the leg. The ref stops Kenny from running in, but it allows Orton to hit a dropkick on Flair.
Edge recovers and shuts Flair down from there, tagging in Kenny shortly afterward. JR says Kenny is unfortunately without a last name as the former cheerleader almost picks up three off a sideslam on Ric. Edge tags back in, beating Flair down into the corner with rights. Flair tries to rally back with chops, but eats canvas for his trouble for another close fall. Edge tries ye olde headlock of doom (take a shot) when Flair breaks loose. Edge comes at him off the ropes right into a chop that floors him. Michaels tags in and cleans house of course, sending the heels off the apron and leveling Edge. He scoop slams him and hits the elbow drop. Michaels fires up and hits Sweet Chin Music, only for Orton to slide in and hit the RKO as we go back to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I disagree, couches are fucking dangerous, evil things.
Shawn is chop warring with Orton in the center of the ring to fight back. Orton tries a back body drop that gets countered into a swinging neck breaker. Both men start crawling toward their corners. Edge gets the tag first and misses a top rope "whatever the fuck I’m doing" move where he just rams his face into the mat. Kenny and Hunter tag in and Hunter dominates. Edge starts getting heavy fists in the corner when Orton puts a stop to it. Hunter gets pissed and dumps him to the floor, hitting the spine buster. Everyone soon spills into the ring as Flair tags in. Flair’s Figure four is broken by Orton and Kenny tries it on Flair. Flair just rolls him up for the three.
Winners: Flair & DX
The heels jump in afterward after a spear on Flair to beat the faces down. Edge fetches chairs and set Michaels up for a Conchairto, but Trips grabs Sledgie and smashes Edge’s chair away with it. We go to the back and Nitro is talking with Fed-x on the phone. He and Melina tell him they will beat Cena tonight. Coach comes in and talks to K-fed who asks who the hell he is. He tells Nitro he’s going to give him an IC title opportunity and they walk off talking about it, leaving K-fed asking if anyone is still there to say something. Farooq walks up to utter his usual line, begging the question of how the fuck he got in there when the entrance was the other direction as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Bully- psychologically abuse your imaginary friends.
Back to the show. They recap Victoria last week. Carlito is talking to Torrie in the back and wishing her good luck with some making out right in front of her probably nasty ass smelling dog. She’s worried about getting checked off the list of course. Speaking of Vicky, here she is, list in hand. But shouldn’t she be checking it twice....starting with Torrie?....please?
Victoria vs. Torrie Wilson w/ Puppy
They tie up and Torrie gets stomped right into the mat. Torrie hooks her under the bottom rope, monkey flipping her into it before putting on some retarded looking leg hold with her foot on Torrie’s head. She supposedly bites off Torrie’s fingernail and spits it out at the crowd. Torrie tries a rollup for two and Victoria pulls her up into a Widow’s peak for three.
Winner: Victoria
After the match, Victoria checks off her list and Masters slides in to put Torrie in a MASTERfull Nelson out of nowhere. Carlito decides to put a stop to that and they have a stare down....from very far away as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: PSP. Where we do everything you want....except play any good games...or work correctly...uh....we play movies!
Back to the show. Some Umaga footage before we go to ringside. Umaga is out by himself without Estrada.
Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga (Non-title Match)
Hardy tries a sunset flip on Umaga, but can’t seem to get the sun to set in it. Umaga goes for a sit down, but Umaga slips out of the way. He swings into a dropkick through the ropes on the apron to Umaga to send him to his back, following with a flip over splash for two. Jeff tries to rally back after a few hard shots form Umaga, hitting the Whisper in the Wind as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Country Singing requires grace, skill...and a lot of beer.
Back to the show. Umaga is tossing Hardy back in from the floor, beating him down on the floor. He places the Vulcan Neck Pinch on Hardy beating him with a forearm at the same time. Hardy flips out of a lift to hit a dropkick to the back when Umaga just decides to squish Hardy by running him right the fuck over. Umaga climbs up top like a tattooed King Kong leaping off for a splash that totally bomb. Hardy climbs up top instead and hits the Swanton Bomb, but Umaga throws him off at two. Hardy tries the Twist of Fate which has worked...never. Umaga throws him to the ropes and counters with a Samoan Drop. Tree of Woe leads to a running headbutt dive on Hardy then the Ass Crash. He follows with the Ass Crash part Deux. The ref calls the match after that one.
Winner: Umaga
After the match, Umaga is pissed he can’t continue so he hits the Samoan Spike on the ref then follows with it on Hardy. He gives so much thumbs up he looks like the fucking Fonz if he weighed 250 more pounds and were ugly as hell. It makes me wonder if Umaga should have starred in Thumb Wars as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I know how to lose a guy in even less than that. it will only take one day if you just tell him you’re really a man, I swear.
Back to the show. They recap Nitro kicking Cena earlier before we get ready for our main event. JR says the village called asking for their idiot back to Nitro for blocking our view. Their huge long intro is finally voer and Cena’s takes about two seconds as he runs down to club Nitro.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Johnny Nitro w/ Melina (Non-title Match)
Cena launches into an assault, hitting a running elbow drop before tossing his shirt. He reverses a back body drops and clotheslines Nitro before ramming his head into the turnbuckle hard. Cena hits some rights then whips him to the other corner, only to run into a reverse elbow. Cena hits a back body drop followed by a boot to the face. Cena simply continues to dominate this match, hitting huge corner clotheslines, and more right hands and very few real moves. Nitro tries a roll up with the feet on the ropes, but our ref catches it. Cena scoops Nitro to an FU, but he hits a thumb to the eye to escape. Nitro dropkicks him to the floor and tosses Cena right into the steel steps. Nitro covers for two back in the ring, following with a second two count directly after.
Nitro tries some mounted punching. Cena tries to come at Nitro, but he pulls the ropes down, sending him to the floor while Melina points and laughs. Back in the ring, Nitro continues with stomps, but Cena counters with a right. They start a brawl and Cena gains the advantage, only to be beaten with a thumb to the eye. Nitro goes for a sleeper instead. Cena escapes, but Nitro goes right back to the sleeper.
Cena finally powers back, but Melina distracts him, allowing Nitro to score a two count off a cheap shot. He goes up top for a corkscrew moonsault onto Cena’s leg which only gets another two. Cena suddenly counters back with a clothesline off an irish whip, going into his usual assault. Protobomb, etc, FU and the pin.
Winner: Cena
Cena celebrates as the show goes off the air and they pimp the battle royal next week.
Highlight of the Night: An excellent return of Tag team wrestling when the highlander return to jobbing for the returning Bicardi & Cola.
Lowlight of the Night: Umaga gets to crush our Intercontinental Champion just for the hell of it. Both annoying, and boring.
Eugene Award: Torrie Wilson being a replacement for Trish Stratus in Carlito’s life? Talk about trading down to an older, used model.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (12/18/06) By Cameron Burge
Okay, let’s get this out of the way. I, unlike some of you jobless,
life-less fucks out there, had to be at work at four o’clock in the morning, bright and early and all in order to sell
YOU bastards crap you don’t need at Best Buy. You better thank me. So tonight we got a three hour Raw to top my day
off, oh joy. Oh rapture. I think the excitement is exploding out of my very soul.
However, I got something to address here first. I was erousing my fan mail before the recap,
and what do I come across?
“From: antagonistx@gmail.com
Why is your RAW Rant, in fact, not a rant at all and nothing more than a count of what happened?
Would you like a dictionary, sir?
LOL OWNED
I will be sitting here refreshing my inbox until I receive a reply.”
Wow, been a long time since I got one of these, I thought it was special enough to post up.
So let’s break this one down. First, note the use of an obviously “fake” email used mostly for either spamming
people or making applications to porn sites. Second, and this part is important, take notice of the outdated spelling of the
word “OWNED”, as we all know the word has long since been changed to PWNT, by anyone not a complete and utter
n00b. Straight up l33t b!tch!!!11! Oh, and it’s important to see that our friend has nothing better to do than wait
for a reply from me, when he could be doing so many other fun things like, e-mailing Ultimate Warrior or Jack Thompson, or
prank calling poor Chinese people. And look at that, I didn’t even have to answer a single question explaining myself.
God damn I’m good.
Raw 12.18.06
We got theme music! It’s kind of longer than usual, and here’s a fun fact, we
actually play this song on our mix track at Best Buy. JR is on the mic because King is in the ring with everyone else. Shawn
plays in as we all know damn well none of these other guys are going to win, it’s just for these people. Carlito is
out next with a shirt that looks ripped straight out of fucking Boogie Nights, followed by Orton who feels a need to bring
his Tag belt to the ring for some reason or another. Triple H is of course last so everyone can take a breather before the
match of course. So here’s how we’ll be doing it. Blow by blow works like crap in this type of match so you get
the basic outline I can manage and the rest is up to your fucking miagination.
30 Man Battle Royal
Hunter gets in the ring and Edge stays on the floor without entering as the match starts.
Masters runs from the ring and Carlito follows only to get speared by Edge. Masters drags him back in and toses Carlito over
for the first elimination. Damn, didn’t he just get in there? King is beating up the fucking Brooklyn Brawler and tosses
him. Slaughter is even in there. Shelton skins after a toss by Hunter. Viscera eliminates Slaughter as Duggan tumbles over
too.
The Weird thing about these matches is that guys who fell over the ropes after a single punch
just a week ago, suddenly appear to weight 2000 lbs as they manage to hold on through all odds to keep from being eliminates.
Hunter is trying to eliminate Edge while Flair works on Orton, even Farooq is in it here keeping his damn mouth shut (PUN!).
DX work together to save each other and Val is getting beaten by some randomly average looking blonde kid. Funny spot sees
Shawn just say “Fuck it” and leave Triple H to get smashed between JTG and Viscera. Use your Grill!
Mostly the match is focused currently on Hunter and Viscera. A face buster leads to a wobbly
viscera when both DX member tackle him from the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Sludge form your car? What would Captain Planet say? Unless you’re
Mahti, then he probably wouldn’t care, Mahti was just fucking creepy.
We come back to Ron Simmons who I prefer to call Farooq still, eliminating two guys at once.
Cryme Tyme then eliminates him. Farooq stands there then grabs a mic to utter his catchphrase, which you cant really call
a catchphrase when it’s only one word. JTG gets himself tossed next then World’s Greatest Tag Team takes out the
other half. DX comes form behind to give Shelton and Haas the same favor. King finally gets eliminated by Masters while Crazy
eliminates himself and Matt Hardy at the same time. JR says this could be one of the only opportunities one of these men could
have to face Cena as we get a shot of Eugene with Michaels. Eugene will get lots of shots! What are you talking about?
Flair saves Michaels with chops. Turns out the random blonde is actually Kenny, just didn’t
recognize him in generic clothing. Snitsky (whom I was personally unaware was even still employed as a wrestler instead of
abortionist) is trying to eliminate hunter, but the Game counters to a DDT. Eugene gets tricked out by DX and Snitsky then
runs himself right over the ropes for some reason as Murdoch is chucked from the ring as well. Flair tries to eliminate Kenny
as Rated RKO come in to eliminate them both. It comes down to DX and the heels being teamed up against as we go back to ye
olde commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I wasn’t aware rubix cubes were in fact water balloons filled
with varied colored paints.
Back to the show. The Battle Royal continues as DX is against five. Hunter does pretty well
for himself while Shawn gets annihilated. Trips tries to save him but the numbers catch up on him with Masters, Cade and Nitro.
Michaels is almost eliminated by Edge and Orton in the corner as this goes on, but Hunter starts powering back at the
others. Masters takes a face buster then gets clotheslined over, but all the other heels comes from behind to dump him over.
Michaels looks like a cornered dog in the corner as they advance on him like a group of child molesters. Shawn suddenly leaps
into the fray and breaks them up only to get kicked in the face, but then he suddenly tosses Nitro.
Michaels nips up after knocking down Edge, hitting the atomic drops on Cade and Orton. He
levels them both then goes up top for the elbow drop on Orton which he nails. JR points out that Edge is no longer in the
ring, missing entirely while Michaels tunes up the band only for Edge to get on the apron and eat the kick. Cade crushes Michaels
with a clothesline and Orton tosses him. Orton gets on the ground and hops around like fucking rot wieler waiting for
Michaels to get up for an RKO. Michaels of course blocks, throwing Randy off. Michaels recovers first and tosses Orton, celebrating
as Edge hops up from behind on the apron and pulls him out, scoring the win.
Winner: Edge
Winner: Edge
For yet another time we get Edge/Cena! You ever feel like Vince is syndicating the show to
us? Anyway here’s some commercials to help you absorb that info.
Random Commercial Thought: Gerhs tells me there’s a movie called Cameron’s room,
but there’s no news yet on whether they knew where my playboys are or not.
Back to the show. Tard is interviewing Edge about his match tonight when Randy comes to congratulate
him. He seems less than happy that Edge plans to be champion at the end of the night. Maria then interviews a greasing up
Masters who is unavailable for comment when a bunch of cowboys suddenly start diving on him trying to wrangle him. That part
may or may not have been in my head. We go to footage of Mercury getting busted open in the ladder match last night as JR
says Maria demanded a match that Melinda demanded: 3 on 2 of Nitro & The World’s Greatest Tag Team against the Hardys.
Random Commercial Thought: Get your friends some overpriced shit for Christmas.
We get a thing with Tard and the Russian Sambo champ asking if he’d like to compete
in the WWE. He replies in something I think is supposed to be English as we get on for our match. The bell Ringer is apparently
psychic as he rings it before Carlito makes the early run in on Masters on the ramp.
The Cameraman in the aisle gets smacked in the head as Carlito brawls with Masters over the
railing and into the crowd. Masters manages to toss Carlito back to ringside before running away through the crowd. A bloody
Carlito throws a chair against the post as he throws a fit as we go back to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The world would be a better place if we all just decided to abolish
that whole anti-stalking thing….
Back to the show. Our men are out for the tag team match, but the Hardy’s are looking
awfully stiff despite Jeff having been moving around just fine earlier in the battle royal as if nothing was wrong.
World’s Greatest Tag Team & Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. The Hardy Boys (Handicap
Tag Match)
Shelton and Matt start us off and Shelton looks to have the early advantage on Matt, but
Matt regains control with knees to the midsection. He drags Benjamin over to Jeff, tagging out to the usually high flying
member. Jeff gets crushed, begging the question of why the hell you would tag in your weakest member so he can get squished
in the corner by the heel team. The heels just tale turns pummeling him in the corner, distracting the ref for choking and
double teaming.
Nitro tags in, beating Hardy into the mat, then slinging him from turnbuckle to turnbuckle
while launching into him with knee strikes. It isn’t until Hardy hit’s a Whisper in the wind that things look
up, but Haas gets the tag from nitro and beats Jeff down more. Jeff hit’s a flashback on the fly to score a tag to Matt.
Matt suplexes Haas for two. They hit the Poetry in Motion on Haas and toss Bicardi and Cola from the ring. JR feels the need
to remind us this isn’t a Battle Royal. All the men end up on the floor when Jeff comes off the ropes, laying everyone
out to Holy shit chants as we sneak off to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Tonight’s forecast- Dark! Continued mostly dark throughout
the night, followed by widely scattered light in the morning.
Back to the match, The Hardys are on the defense, that is, if by defense you mean, getting
completely and utterly destroyed by the other team piece by piece. Shelton is in the ring with Jeff, working his leg over
as we are lead to assume it is week from last night and even worse off after that stage dive which is usually only advised
when you have a crowd to dive into. The heels keep Hardy isolated, working him over in shifts, only clocking out when they
get bored. Nitro slams the knee on the apron of the ring as Melina shrieks like fucking King Kong just grabbed her. Shelton
tags in and locks on a sort of half crab maneuver. Hardy hops up to one leg to hit the mule kick on Shelton and tag in his
brother.
Matt begins to clean house, hitting an awesome Bulldog/Clothesline where he Bulldogs Haas
and clotheslines Benjamin. He follows by hitting side effects and on both Bicardi and Cola, covering Benjamin for two
when Haas breaks it up. Matt gets tripped up from the outside shortly thereafter and Shelton roll shim up with tights for
three.
Winners: Nitro, Benjamin & Haas
Winners: Nitro, Benjamin & Haas
After the match, everyone destroys the Hardys and Nitro focuses on Jeff, tossing the belt
onto him and pointing angrily as Melina raises his hand in celebration. We go to the back with Tard who has Umaga and asks
Estrada who he would rather have Umaga face, Cena or Edge. Estrada says they would choose Cena because he’s easier to
beat than Edge (What makes Edge harder? Those huge teeth? Would they hurt Umaga’s ass if he tried the Ass Crash on his
face?). Umaga ends the promo by screaming like he’s seen the ghost of Biggie Smalls as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Back to the show. Fed-X runs into Nitro and Melina as he soaks up the camera since it’s
the only way he can get some fucking camera time. JR and King talks about King’s interview with Stalone before giving
us a preview of Rocky Balboa. Damn I want to see that. Turns out to be a video interview with him. Stalone says he wanted
to end it in the ring and since Rocky V ended in the streets. Stalone says it’s Rocky’s final goodbye and claims
it is pretty biographical. At least he admits Rocky five sucked worse than Ryan Seacrest. They reference Hogan’s appearance
in the third match, and Stalone says Hogan would beat Rocky in the real world. Apparently wrestlers are “dexterious”.
Stalone says Cena can beat Fed-X with a single finger and he stands a better chance against Cena’s wardrobe. We then
get a shot of Cena preparing as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I was totally zoned out for this break, but I’m pretty sure
there was a Bowflex in it.
Back to the show. Flair has two matches in one night? he's gonna crumble into a pillar of
dust like at Sodom and Gomorrah, only without the rampant sex and lesbianism.
Flair is gonna take on Keny who has his full name now which is something like Kenny DykeStream
or something….
Kenny vs. Ric Flair
Flair lights Kenny up with early chops on offense, but Kenny is having none of these bullshit
of getting owned by an old fogy. He scores a heavy hit off the ropes to send Ric tumbling to the floor before slingshot ting
over, but her pretty much bombs it. Kenny rolls flair back into the ring for a two count before coming in to taunt Ric on
the ground, tossing his bandana at him. Kenny goes for covers often, hitting a running elbow drop for two before trying a
chinlock (take a shot). Kenny fights off Flair when he break loose, catching the Nature Boy on the top rope to toss him down.
Kenny goes up top and bombs his leg drop, allowing Ric to hit knife edge chops in the corner. Kenny tries whipping him to
the opposite corner, but misses, hitting his knee on the turnbuckle. Flair tries to work the knee, but Kenny flip around into
a rollup for three and a CLEAN win.
Winner: Kenny
Winner: Kenny
Flair looks amazed as all fuck before stepping up to offer his hand. Kenny refuses to shake
and points to himself saying he’s the man around here before stomping off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Jet Li is truly Fearless of wearing his hair in a ridiculous fashion.
Back to the show. Edge’s music hits, and I gotta wonder what our Main event is supposed
to be tonight if the WWE Title match is right now. The crowd seems less than thrilled to be watching this match for the upteenth
time it seems. JR and King can’t seem to decide what country Baghdad is in while Cena heads to the ring.
World Tag Team Champion Edge vs. WWE Champion John Cena (WWE Title Match)
Cena goes straight to a waist lock into a takedown and pins for one out of a half nelson.
Cena and Edge trade rights and Cena catches a boot to the face to pick up another two on Edge. He runs straight into Edge’s
boot in the corner and Edge tosses him to the floor as King and JR seem intent on noting that that would eliminate you in
a Battle Royal again. Cena eats stairs and blocks getting slammed into the mat, but when he crawls back in, Edge hit’s
a neck breaker for two as the crowd actually does seem to fire up big time now. Edge hit’s a reverse DDT for another
two then goes for a headlock (take a shot).
Cena fights to his feet as the men root for Edge while the women root for Cena as we go to
commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Pro Gaming championship: Nerds with Money.
Back to the show. Edge has a rear naked choke on and is humping away at Cena’s back
like a horny wiener dog. Cena starts to fight loose and Edge hit’s a ton of head butts only to lock o a reverse arm
bar with his legs. Cena rolls him back into a pin for two, but Edge rolls him back down. Edge releases the hold when Cena
tries powering loose while the dueling chants begin again. Edge goes to a neck vice. Cena finally breaks out with a one big
slam to start a standing ten count.
Edge wobbles up and Cena goes on offense. Edge dodges a whip tot e corner, jumping over him
only to run into clotheslines, should block, proteome, Five Knuckle shuffle, but Edge rolls out of the way, spearing Cena
while he recovers his hand. He only picks up two though when Cena puts his hand on the rope, JR and King arguing over whether
or not he touched it all, thinking it was his foot. Edge tries a suplerplex, but Cena counters, throwing him off and landing
a top rope guillotine leg drop for two. Cena hit’s a hangman on Edge into the Protobomb and then lands the five knuckle
shuffle. Cena scoops up Edge who counters into a reverse DDT, but Cena rolls it over into a reverse suplex. For two.
Edge and Cena begin to brawl and Edge goes to the corner, but Cena scoops him into an FU.
Edge’s feet knock out the ref and and Orton runs in with an RKO. DX then runs in after Orton tosses the ref in and runs,
hitting a pedigree. Cena covers for three.
Winner: Cena
Winner: Cena
Edge and Orton look pissed, Edge crying in the ring as DX celebrate with Cena with Suck It
signs as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Commercials aren’t very good for you.
Back to the show. They tell us we have a big time tag team main event tonight involving DX,
Umaga, Rated RKO and Cena. Cryme Tyme comes out next as we see some white guy acting WAY too much like them in the audience.
JTG says yo….a lot. They talk about Shelton and Haas. Shad says they have their own special guest…George W Bush.
Secret Service Agents come out, followed by…a pretty short GW. I didn’t know GW was that short…and knew
street hand shakes. He says he’s here on behalf of Cryme Tyme because not too long ago a rapper named Kanye West says
he started a rumor that he doesn’t like black people. He says that ain’t true because apparently Cryme Tyme is
his niggahs. He says Colin Powel is his homey and Condi is one hot little black bitch. He says he’s also down with George
Jefferson…for writing the Declaration of Independence. They cut him off on the words “My niggah” saying
he’ll get his ass beat if he ain’t careful.
Bush says the that if Shelton and Haas are the greatest tag team, then he’s the greatest
president ever. Cryme Tyme hugs him and jacks his wallet, which is ironic considering Bush’s daughter got her purse
stolen recently. The Presidential theme switches to the Cryme Tyme theme as bush dances to it before seeing they stole his
wallet. He tells them to arrest the nigge- people. He stops on the main aisle to do a Nixon wave but with one less finger
as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Tony Sinclair has a gap you could drive a fucking truck through.
Back to the show that never ends. At least there isn’t a freaking sheep puppet here
to sing to us about it. Victoria comes down with her list and drops it off at the table. It seems she’s checked off
everyone but Mickie. They have a match at New Year’s Revolution, but if you want to see it for free, just watch this
one.
Victoria vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James (Non-title Match)
JR compares Victoria to Rosy on the view as Mickie gets caught up and rammed into the turnbuckle.
Victoria sets her up top and hit’s a superplex from the top for two. Mickie rams Victoria into the ropes to catch her
in a rollup for two. She then tries a backslide and a victory roll, but none get it done. Mickie gets a drop toe hold that
sends her face first into the bottom turnbuckle. A back suplex picks up two. Victoria misses a charging knee shot in the corner
and Mickie fights back, but Victoria strikes back. Mickie finally gains the advantage and hits her head scissors out
of the corner for two. Mickie tries for her Mickie DDT, but Victoria hangs her on the top rope and kicks her in the face.
She drags her inside the widow’s peak and the win.
Winner: Victoria
Winner: Victoria
Victoria checks off Mickie’s name. She writes on the board and Kevin Federline is on
his way to the ring for an interview as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Have you ever wondered how a body spray like Bod is supposed to
make you LOOK hotter?
Back to the show. So JR talks about Kevin and I sort of quit caring so here, read this.
[Spoken]
This is the greatest and best song in the world... Tribute.
This is the greatest and best song in the world... Tribute.
Long time ago me and my brother Kyle here,
we was hitchhikin' down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road.
And he said:
[Sung]
"Play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your soul." (soul)
[Spoken]
Well me and Kyle, we looked at each other,
and we each said... "Okay."
[Sung]
And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
The Best Song in the World, it was The Best Song in the World.
we was hitchhikin' down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road.
And he said:
[Sung]
"Play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your soul." (soul)
[Spoken]
Well me and Kyle, we looked at each other,
and we each said... "Okay."
[Sung]
And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
The Best Song in the World, it was The Best Song in the World.
Look into my eyes and it's easy to see
One and one make two, two and one make three,
It was destiny.
Once every hundred-thousand years or so,
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
And the grass doth grow...
One and one make two, two and one make three,
It was destiny.
Once every hundred-thousand years or so,
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
And the grass doth grow...
Needless to say, the beast was stunned.
Whip-crack went his Whoopy tail,
And the beast was done.
He asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"
And we said, "Nay. We are but men."
Rock!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!
Whip-crack went his Whoopy tail,
And the beast was done.
He asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"
And we said, "Nay. We are but men."
Rock!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!
This is not The Greatest Song in the World, no.
This is just a tribute.
Couldn't remember The Greatest Song in the World, no, no.
This is a tribute, oh, to The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was the best muthafuckin' song the greatest song in the world.
[2-part skat]
[Spoken]
And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
the song we sang on that fateful night it didn't actually sound
anything like this song.
[Sung]
This is just a tribute! You gotta believe it!
And I wish you were there! Just a matter of opinion.
Ah, fuck! Good God, God lovin',
So surprised to find you can't stop it.
This is just a tribute.
Couldn't remember The Greatest Song in the World, no, no.
This is a tribute, oh, to The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was the best muthafuckin' song the greatest song in the world.
[2-part skat]
[Spoken]
And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
the song we sang on that fateful night it didn't actually sound
anything like this song.
[Sung]
This is just a tribute! You gotta believe it!
And I wish you were there! Just a matter of opinion.
Ah, fuck! Good God, God lovin',
So surprised to find you can't stop it.
And we’re back. Kevin finishes ranting about what his name is as we pimp our main event
and go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I have two first name’s too actually. Cameron Cory.
Back to the show. They pimp the New Year’s Revolution card as we go to a recap of the
Battle royal and the title match. Out Tag Team champs are out, followed by Uuuuuumagaaaaaa! The heels gather as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Leonardo Di Caprio stars as the obligatory white man in a movie
about black people- Blood Diamond.
We come back and Umaga’s theme is still playing, how damn long have they been listening
to those freaking drums? Cena is out next, since the champion isn’t as freaking important as DX.
Degeneration X & WWE Champion John Cena vs. World Tag Team Champions Rated RKO &
Umaga w/ Estrada
Cena starts off the match with Orton. You have to wonder when Umaga magically gained all
of this understanding for the intricate rules of tag team wrestling, obviously it wasn’t as a fat bastard dressed in
street gear with another fat bastard. Nope. Cena gains early advantage, beating Orton around like a rag doll. He tags out
to Shawn, but HBK gets the tables turned on him in the corner and dragged to the heel corner. Shawn gains control of Edge
when he tags in with rights and chops.
Michaels catches Edge with a boot and a chop but telegraphs the back body. Orton tags back
in, but Shawn falls back on chops again, hitting the flying forearm into the nip up, but Umaga casually steps in and hit’s
a clothesline to crush him. Orton tags Umaga in who goes nuts on Shawn, chasing the ref from the ring. Umaga finally tags
out and Edge dissects Michaels some more. Edge hits a spear in the corner but misses the follow up. Hunter tags in and o does
Umaga. Triple H goes all out on him with everything, face buster and clothesline, but nothing takes him down. He finally bounces
off the ropes with a diving clothesline to take him down, then spine busters Orton. Hunter goes for the pedigree on Orton
after dumping Edge, but Umaga hit’s the Spike on him.
Cena takes a shot to the throat from Umaga, and Michaels eats the Samoan Drop. Cena gets
pissed and tackles Umaga to the floor. Cena sends Umaga through the glass in the side of the stage and leaves ringside with
him as Rated RKO destroy DX. Hunter is beaten with a chair and knocked into the time keeper. The match is finally called
on DQ.
Winners: Cena & DX
Winners: Cena & DX
Shawn takes a Double RKO onto a chair which should actually hurt their arms more than him.
Hunter tries to grab Sledgie but Edge baseball slides him into the announce table and right into JR’s lap. Edge and
Orton tackle him, beating him amidst the announcers before giving him a conchairto on the table. They then get back in the
ring and show the blood on the chair to Michaels, setting him up for one too while the crowd chants for Cena. Instead, they
get refs. The Trainers fight them off from Michaels. There’s no announce crew for the replays or any of this since they
took out he table. We do get a nice random reaction shot of some ugly bitch and a little kid. This goes on WAY too long. Eventually
the show just kind of goes off the air.
Well, that’s your show, I would like, rant about something here, but our mystery antagonist
might run out of material if I did, so you all have a good night and Merry Christmas and all that shit.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (12/25/06) By Cameron Burge
Welcome to the better late than never (which is of course, as always, rather debatable)
Raw Rant. As you have probably guessed, some of us were way too busy getting smashed on eggnog while holiday caroling to our
neighbors in our Superman Returns underwear, all while use our yellow stream of freedom to put out the hate.
Or something like that.
At any rate, yours truly wasn’t available to get down to business last night so tonight you have the opportunity of seeing just what I thought of our special tribute to the troops, though I can guarantee you we’ll be…deviating from the usual formula tonight. But first things first. If you haven’t been to them already, check out the Fan’s year end awards, where we the staff choose the winners, whether you fucking like it or not! Right to Suffrage? None of that bullshit here, Jack. And of course, someone walks away with the Golden Tenay. Actually, that’s a damn dirty lie. Two people do.
As a last note before we get into the show, you may be wondering what I think about all that. (Well, okay, let’s be honest. You don’t give a shit, but you damn well better shut up and listen anyway) I’d like to just thank everybody for a fantastic year at the Fan once again, despite what has to be the hardest ever to Recap without resulting to suicide and/or hallucinogens. I’d also like to formally wish Joe the best as he steps aside for a while. You’re fucking awesome man, you better come back, or I may well hunt you down in the night. It isn’t like I’ve got anything better to do of course.
Since I wasn’t personally able to watch the show, you may notice a severe lack of commercials…or caring…or work ethic….I’m a fat slob give me a break.
Raw Christmas Day (What the fuck, Vince?!)
The show opens with a video montage of Bob Hope and other famous troop entertainers, yet we all know, not a damn one of them matters beside Bob Hope. I mean…he’s Bob. Fucking. Hope. Oh yeah, and those chicks that get stormed on the stage in Apocalypse Now by undersexed soldiers, desperate to get a handful of chunky white ass, only to be saved by helicopters at the last minute. Them too.
The first match of the night is going to be that oh so special showdown, a once in a lifetime event!…..Cena and Edge!….Again! What is this, their fortieth match?
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Edge (non-title match)
The troops don’t seem to mind this match one bit as they rally for Cena from the get go, letting chants build for The Marine, which apparently is more than a fad, but went over so well In theatres last month that the Unrated Edition DVD will be available in January…which is a bad thing in case you’re in the grey area on that.
Chants echo throughout the audience. There are two ways to describe this match, one would be: slow. The other, would be: “boring”. Slow usually means there is lots of slow paced psychology. Boring means there is just lots of slow and no psychology. I’ll let you be the judge for yourselves on that one. Edge takes over most of this match in typical Cena pacing, going for submission after submission (can we say Rest hold? How about HEADLOCK (take a shot). Cena eventually rallies his support, powering back with with heavy rights and his typical offense. Edge reverses several FU attempts time after time, but Cena finally hits one out of nowhere for the “big” win.
Winner: Cena
PACKAGE #1: Commander General George Casey welcomes the superstars and talks to the soldiers before we run a video montage of the superstars meeting with the troops and such. Following that, we receive another video montage, this time of stills and slow motion shots all set to John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas War is Over”
Our next match on the card is Shelton Benjamin and CM Punk. And while this SHOULD be amazing I think we all know better. Before the match each wrestler cuts a promo wishing their friends and family back home a happy holidays and all that rot, but after Shelton finishes he adds, “Is that good enough?” and walks away to score himself some cheap heel heat for the match.
Shelton Benjamin vs. CM Punk
This pretty much has all the potential to be a real classic if it just weren’t for a few problems. They decided to do it at Tribute for the Troops, and they decided to make it the single most aggravatingly distracting match of all time. It’s a bit hard to keep your focus on the action when helicopters are buzzing overhead and credits roll on the bottom of the screen. The “big” finish sees Shelton sending CM to the corner and diving in for the stinger splash, only to catch nothing but post. Punk simply scores the roll up from there to pick up the win.
Winner: CM Punk
Nitro and Melina are set to come out next, but the paparazzi tonight seems to have taken up part time jobs in the national guard as they are all soldiers decked out in camo with the camera’s. I wouldn’t have noticed them at all for not they had flashing cameras! The camo is that damn good I tell you. The highlight here is of course Melina’s entrance which I swear nearly calls forth another of those Apocalypse Now moments. Taker hit’s the ring then to thunderous ovations and then just as quickly leaves. Well, somewhere in there, there was something resembling a match that left behind the squashed, splattered remains of Johnny Nitro after a choke slam and a tombstone pile driver which was about the entire match in and of itself.
For our next little clip show, we go back to earlier tonight where Lillian Garcia sang the national Anthem to big applause of course The next package highlights the December 7th attack that took place just a bit away from where the WWE was setting up their production. Michael Cole, Chad Patton, and several other WWE staff are interviewed about being so close to the war, because when you think war, you think: “I wonder what Michael Cole thinks of this?”
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly
For those who don’t know, Bobby used to be a a Sgt in the army, and not the GI Joe kind either. The odd thing about this match is that it wasn’t the complete and utter squash you would normally expect from such a pairing, but rather Holly gets in a good bit on the offensive before Lashley has enough of that bullshit and shuts him down to pick up a clean win. It goes over pretty well, especially considering it’s a Hardcore Holly Match.
Winner: Lashley
We get a video of the troop stalking about the challenges of teaching the Iraqi people to build their own military, which I’m pretty sure is something gmany of them were already shown when they were taught how to fight the Russian Military…and given weapons….which they still use…on us. We follow with Chris Masters in the back and he lays out a challenge to any soldie who thinks he can break The MASTERfull Nelson.
We follow with yet another package about the troops visiting with the superstars as the WWE tells us their goal was to visit as many soldiers as possible while on this trip. A lot of the same clips from last time used here though they’ve added a re-enlistment ceremony.
Intercontinental Champion Jefft Hardy vs. Umaga (Non-title Match)
Hardy begins this encounter like their last, with fast and furious offense that keeps Umaga swaying and guessing where the Intercontinental Champion will be next. Hardy bounces off the ropes into clotheslines and dropkicks, but still can’t floor the Samoan who bails to the outside to regroup. Hardy attempts a splash over the top ropes, but Umaga catches the cross body and slams Jeff right to the ringpost. From that point on, it’s Umaga’s. Hardy rallies at one point and tries for a Swanton Bomb , but Umaga gets his knees up to put a stop to that. Umaga follows with the Ass Crash and the Samoan Spike for the Win.
Winner: Umaga
They run a bit about the campaign for 1 million letters to the troops. The goal was upped to 2.6 million, one for each solider overseas. Earlier in the day an award was given for reaching said goal.
Carlito is shown in the back hitting on a female solider. He takes a bite of his apple and she takes a bite as well (and there’s NOTHING suggestive about that you sickos) while they stare at each other in a pretty creepy manner.
Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Randy Orton
They once again roll credits at the bottom to bug us to death during this match, but at least the copters are absent. Orton manages to counter Carlito’s Apple Jack by holding on to the ropes, followup up by going for the cover, but he gets caught with his feet on the ropes by the strangely attentive ref for once. As Orton argues with the referee, Carlito just casually walks up from behind and rolls him right up with a handful of the tights for the win.
Winner: Carlito
They run a video package of Military personal assisting in constructing the stage and ring for the event.
Santa Claus (It isn’t spelled with an E you retards, that’s for the Tim Allen movie) heads to the ring with presents, but says that before he distributes them to the troops, he requires assistance from some of “Santa’s Helpers.” They are of course divas in the form of Torrie Wilson, Maria, and Krystal. The four of them start tossing t-shirts, video games and DVDs into the crowd. Masters suddenly interrupts and comes to ringside, demanding that Santa take the challenge. A ref brings in a chair, and Santa decides to go for it. A huge “Santa!” chant breaks out, but the fat man bites it big time when Chris locks it in and makes uick work of the lard laden elf.
Masters tosses Santa aside before he gets on the mic again, demanding that the “biggest and baddest” soldier in the outdoor arena come take the challenge as well. He scans the troops at ringside and picks one out himself. He of course selects G.I. Midget who‘s a goos foot and more smaller than him. They say his name is Jose Avilla and Masters wastes no time putting him in going for the MASTERfull Nelson. Avilla gives it his best shot, but before he gives up Santa Claus appears back on ringside and reveals himself to actually be JBL. Masters has his back turned, allowing JBL to land a kick to his back. It’s enough of a distraction to allow him to break the hold and Avilla declared the winner. Lillian Garcia announces Jose Avilla as the first person to ever break the Masterlock. Masters flips out and argues with the ref, but JBL clotheslines him before celebrating with the divas.
The show ends with a special video package of the troops and the superstars again before leaving us to enjoy Christmas in our quiet, food-bloated state.
Merry Post-Christmas, hope you all got what you wanted you selfish bastard. See you all next week at the usual time.
Or something like that.
At any rate, yours truly wasn’t available to get down to business last night so tonight you have the opportunity of seeing just what I thought of our special tribute to the troops, though I can guarantee you we’ll be…deviating from the usual formula tonight. But first things first. If you haven’t been to them already, check out the Fan’s year end awards, where we the staff choose the winners, whether you fucking like it or not! Right to Suffrage? None of that bullshit here, Jack. And of course, someone walks away with the Golden Tenay. Actually, that’s a damn dirty lie. Two people do.
As a last note before we get into the show, you may be wondering what I think about all that. (Well, okay, let’s be honest. You don’t give a shit, but you damn well better shut up and listen anyway) I’d like to just thank everybody for a fantastic year at the Fan once again, despite what has to be the hardest ever to Recap without resulting to suicide and/or hallucinogens. I’d also like to formally wish Joe the best as he steps aside for a while. You’re fucking awesome man, you better come back, or I may well hunt you down in the night. It isn’t like I’ve got anything better to do of course.
Since I wasn’t personally able to watch the show, you may notice a severe lack of commercials…or caring…or work ethic….I’m a fat slob give me a break.
The show opens with a video montage of Bob Hope and other famous troop entertainers, yet we all know, not a damn one of them matters beside Bob Hope. I mean…he’s Bob. Fucking. Hope. Oh yeah, and those chicks that get stormed on the stage in Apocalypse Now by undersexed soldiers, desperate to get a handful of chunky white ass, only to be saved by helicopters at the last minute. Them too.
The first match of the night is going to be that oh so special showdown, a once in a lifetime event!…..Cena and Edge!….Again! What is this, their fortieth match?
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Edge (non-title match)
The troops don’t seem to mind this match one bit as they rally for Cena from the get go, letting chants build for The Marine, which apparently is more than a fad, but went over so well In theatres last month that the Unrated Edition DVD will be available in January…which is a bad thing in case you’re in the grey area on that.
Chants echo throughout the audience. There are two ways to describe this match, one would be: slow. The other, would be: “boring”. Slow usually means there is lots of slow paced psychology. Boring means there is just lots of slow and no psychology. I’ll let you be the judge for yourselves on that one. Edge takes over most of this match in typical Cena pacing, going for submission after submission (can we say Rest hold? How about HEADLOCK (take a shot). Cena eventually rallies his support, powering back with with heavy rights and his typical offense. Edge reverses several FU attempts time after time, but Cena finally hits one out of nowhere for the “big” win.
Winner: Cena
PACKAGE #1: Commander General George Casey welcomes the superstars and talks to the soldiers before we run a video montage of the superstars meeting with the troops and such. Following that, we receive another video montage, this time of stills and slow motion shots all set to John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas War is Over”
Our next match on the card is Shelton Benjamin and CM Punk. And while this SHOULD be amazing I think we all know better. Before the match each wrestler cuts a promo wishing their friends and family back home a happy holidays and all that rot, but after Shelton finishes he adds, “Is that good enough?” and walks away to score himself some cheap heel heat for the match.
Shelton Benjamin vs. CM Punk
This pretty much has all the potential to be a real classic if it just weren’t for a few problems. They decided to do it at Tribute for the Troops, and they decided to make it the single most aggravatingly distracting match of all time. It’s a bit hard to keep your focus on the action when helicopters are buzzing overhead and credits roll on the bottom of the screen. The “big” finish sees Shelton sending CM to the corner and diving in for the stinger splash, only to catch nothing but post. Punk simply scores the roll up from there to pick up the win.
Winner: CM Punk
Nitro and Melina are set to come out next, but the paparazzi tonight seems to have taken up part time jobs in the national guard as they are all soldiers decked out in camo with the camera’s. I wouldn’t have noticed them at all for not they had flashing cameras! The camo is that damn good I tell you. The highlight here is of course Melina’s entrance which I swear nearly calls forth another of those Apocalypse Now moments. Taker hit’s the ring then to thunderous ovations and then just as quickly leaves. Well, somewhere in there, there was something resembling a match that left behind the squashed, splattered remains of Johnny Nitro after a choke slam and a tombstone pile driver which was about the entire match in and of itself.
For our next little clip show, we go back to earlier tonight where Lillian Garcia sang the national Anthem to big applause of course The next package highlights the December 7th attack that took place just a bit away from where the WWE was setting up their production. Michael Cole, Chad Patton, and several other WWE staff are interviewed about being so close to the war, because when you think war, you think: “I wonder what Michael Cole thinks of this?”
ECW Champion Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly
For those who don’t know, Bobby used to be a a Sgt in the army, and not the GI Joe kind either. The odd thing about this match is that it wasn’t the complete and utter squash you would normally expect from such a pairing, but rather Holly gets in a good bit on the offensive before Lashley has enough of that bullshit and shuts him down to pick up a clean win. It goes over pretty well, especially considering it’s a Hardcore Holly Match.
Winner: Lashley
We get a video of the troop stalking about the challenges of teaching the Iraqi people to build their own military, which I’m pretty sure is something gmany of them were already shown when they were taught how to fight the Russian Military…and given weapons….which they still use…on us. We follow with Chris Masters in the back and he lays out a challenge to any soldie who thinks he can break The MASTERfull Nelson.
We follow with yet another package about the troops visiting with the superstars as the WWE tells us their goal was to visit as many soldiers as possible while on this trip. A lot of the same clips from last time used here though they’ve added a re-enlistment ceremony.
Intercontinental Champion Jefft Hardy vs. Umaga (Non-title Match)
Hardy begins this encounter like their last, with fast and furious offense that keeps Umaga swaying and guessing where the Intercontinental Champion will be next. Hardy bounces off the ropes into clotheslines and dropkicks, but still can’t floor the Samoan who bails to the outside to regroup. Hardy attempts a splash over the top ropes, but Umaga catches the cross body and slams Jeff right to the ringpost. From that point on, it’s Umaga’s. Hardy rallies at one point and tries for a Swanton Bomb , but Umaga gets his knees up to put a stop to that. Umaga follows with the Ass Crash and the Samoan Spike for the Win.
Winner: Umaga
They run a bit about the campaign for 1 million letters to the troops. The goal was upped to 2.6 million, one for each solider overseas. Earlier in the day an award was given for reaching said goal.
Carlito is shown in the back hitting on a female solider. He takes a bite of his apple and she takes a bite as well (and there’s NOTHING suggestive about that you sickos) while they stare at each other in a pretty creepy manner.
Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Randy Orton
They once again roll credits at the bottom to bug us to death during this match, but at least the copters are absent. Orton manages to counter Carlito’s Apple Jack by holding on to the ropes, followup up by going for the cover, but he gets caught with his feet on the ropes by the strangely attentive ref for once. As Orton argues with the referee, Carlito just casually walks up from behind and rolls him right up with a handful of the tights for the win.
Winner: Carlito
They run a video package of Military personal assisting in constructing the stage and ring for the event.
Santa Claus (It isn’t spelled with an E you retards, that’s for the Tim Allen movie) heads to the ring with presents, but says that before he distributes them to the troops, he requires assistance from some of “Santa’s Helpers.” They are of course divas in the form of Torrie Wilson, Maria, and Krystal. The four of them start tossing t-shirts, video games and DVDs into the crowd. Masters suddenly interrupts and comes to ringside, demanding that Santa take the challenge. A ref brings in a chair, and Santa decides to go for it. A huge “Santa!” chant breaks out, but the fat man bites it big time when Chris locks it in and makes uick work of the lard laden elf.
Masters tosses Santa aside before he gets on the mic again, demanding that the “biggest and baddest” soldier in the outdoor arena come take the challenge as well. He scans the troops at ringside and picks one out himself. He of course selects G.I. Midget who‘s a goos foot and more smaller than him. They say his name is Jose Avilla and Masters wastes no time putting him in going for the MASTERfull Nelson. Avilla gives it his best shot, but before he gives up Santa Claus appears back on ringside and reveals himself to actually be JBL. Masters has his back turned, allowing JBL to land a kick to his back. It’s enough of a distraction to allow him to break the hold and Avilla declared the winner. Lillian Garcia announces Jose Avilla as the first person to ever break the Masterlock. Masters flips out and argues with the ref, but JBL clotheslines him before celebrating with the divas.
The show ends with a special video package of the troops and the superstars again before leaving us to enjoy Christmas in our quiet, food-bloated state.
Merry Post-Christmas, hope you all got what you wanted you selfish bastard. See you all next week at the usual time.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
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When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
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TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
