Okay, let’s get this out of the way. I, unlike some of you jobless,
life-less fucks out there, had to be at work at four o’clock in the morning, bright and early and all in order to sell
YOU bastards crap you don’t need at Best Buy. You better thank me. So tonight we got a three hour Raw to top my day
off, oh joy. Oh rapture. I think the excitement is exploding out of my very soul.
However, I got something to address here first. I was erousing my fan mail before the recap,
and what do I come across?
Why is your RAW Rant, in fact, not a rant at all and nothing more than a count of what happened?
Would you like a dictionary, sir?
I will be sitting here refreshing my inbox until I receive a reply.”
Wow, been a long time since I got one of these, I thought it was special enough to post up.
So let’s break this one down. First, note the use of an obviously “fake” email used mostly for either spamming
people or making applications to porn sites. Second, and this part is important, take notice of the outdated spelling of the
word “OWNED”, as we all know the word has long since been changed to PWNT, by anyone not a complete and utter
n00b. Straight up l33t b!tch!!!11! Oh, and it’s important to see that our friend has nothing better to do than wait
for a reply from me, when he could be doing so many other fun things like, e-mailing Ultimate Warrior or Jack Thompson, or
prank calling poor Chinese people. And look at that, I didn’t even have to answer a single question explaining myself.
God damn I’m good.
We got theme music! It’s kind of longer than usual, and here’s a fun fact, we
actually play this song on our mix track at Best Buy. JR is on the mic because King is in the ring with everyone else. Shawn
plays in as we all know damn well none of these other guys are going to win, it’s just for these people. Carlito is
out next with a shirt that looks ripped straight out of fucking Boogie Nights, followed by Orton who feels a need to bring
his Tag belt to the ring for some reason or another. Triple H is of course last so everyone can take a breather before the
match of course. So here’s how we’ll be doing it. Blow by blow works like crap in this type of match so you get
the basic outline I can manage and the rest is up to your fucking miagination.
30 Man Battle Royal
Hunter gets in the ring and Edge stays on the floor without entering as the match starts.
Masters runs from the ring and Carlito follows only to get speared by Edge. Masters drags him back in and toses Carlito over
for the first elimination. Damn, didn’t he just get in there? King is beating up the fucking Brooklyn Brawler and tosses
him. Slaughter is even in there. Shelton skins after a toss by Hunter. Viscera eliminates Slaughter as Duggan tumbles over
The Weird thing about these matches is that guys who fell over the ropes after a single punch
just a week ago, suddenly appear to weight 2000 lbs as they manage to hold on through all odds to keep from being eliminates.
Hunter is trying to eliminate Edge while Flair works on Orton, even Farooq is in it here keeping his damn mouth shut (PUN!).
DX work together to save each other and Val is getting beaten by some randomly average looking blonde kid. Funny spot sees
Shawn just say “Fuck it” and leave Triple H to get smashed between JTG and Viscera. Use your Grill!
Mostly the match is focused currently on Hunter and Viscera. A face buster leads to a wobbly
viscera when both DX member tackle him from the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Sludge form your car? What would Captain Planet say? Unless you’re
Mahti, then he probably wouldn’t care, Mahti was just fucking creepy.
We come back to Ron Simmons who I prefer to call Farooq still, eliminating two guys at once.
Cryme Tyme then eliminates him. Farooq stands there then grabs a mic to utter his catchphrase, which you cant really call
a catchphrase when it’s only one word. JTG gets himself tossed next then World’s Greatest Tag Team takes out the
other half. DX comes form behind to give Shelton and Haas the same favor. King finally gets eliminated by Masters while Crazy
eliminates himself and Matt Hardy at the same time. JR says this could be one of the only opportunities one of these men could
have to face Cena as we get a shot of Eugene with Michaels. Eugene will get lots of shots! What are you talking about?
Flair saves Michaels with chops. Turns out the random blonde is actually Kenny, just didn’t
recognize him in generic clothing. Snitsky (whom I was personally unaware was even still employed as a wrestler instead of
abortionist) is trying to eliminate hunter, but the Game counters to a DDT. Eugene gets tricked out by DX and Snitsky then
runs himself right over the ropes for some reason as Murdoch is chucked from the ring as well. Flair tries to eliminate Kenny
as Rated RKO come in to eliminate them both. It comes down to DX and the heels being teamed up against as we go back to ye
Random Commercial Thought: I wasn’t aware rubix cubes were in fact water balloons filled
with varied colored paints.
Back to the show. The Battle Royal continues as DX is against five. Hunter does pretty well
for himself while Shawn gets annihilated. Trips tries to save him but the numbers catch up on him with Masters, Cade and Nitro.
Michaels is almost eliminated by Edge and Orton in the corner as this goes on, but Hunter starts powering back at the
others. Masters takes a face buster then gets clotheslined over, but all the other heels comes from behind to dump him over.
Michaels looks like a cornered dog in the corner as they advance on him like a group of child molesters. Shawn suddenly leaps
into the fray and breaks them up only to get kicked in the face, but then he suddenly tosses Nitro.
Michaels nips up after knocking down Edge, hitting the atomic drops on Cade and Orton. He
levels them both then goes up top for the elbow drop on Orton which he nails. JR points out that Edge is no longer in the
ring, missing entirely while Michaels tunes up the band only for Edge to get on the apron and eat the kick. Cade crushes Michaels
with a clothesline and Orton tosses him. Orton gets on the ground and hops around like fucking rot wieler waiting for
Michaels to get up for an RKO. Michaels of course blocks, throwing Randy off. Michaels recovers first and tosses Orton, celebrating
as Edge hops up from behind on the apron and pulls him out, scoring the win.
For yet another time we get Edge/Cena! You ever feel like Vince is syndicating the show to
us? Anyway here’s some commercials to help you absorb that info.
Random Commercial Thought: Gerhs tells me there’s a movie called Cameron’s room,
but there’s no news yet on whether they knew where my playboys are or not.
Back to the show. Tard is interviewing Edge about his match tonight when Randy comes to congratulate
him. He seems less than happy that Edge plans to be champion at the end of the night. Maria then interviews a greasing up
Masters who is unavailable for comment when a bunch of cowboys suddenly start diving on him trying to wrangle him. That part
may or may not have been in my head. We go to footage of Mercury getting busted open in the ladder match last night as JR
says Maria demanded a match that Melinda demanded: 3 on 2 of Nitro & The World’s Greatest Tag Team against the Hardys.
Random Commercial Thought: Get your friends some overpriced shit for Christmas.
We get a thing with Tard and the Russian Sambo champ asking if he’d like to compete
in the WWE. He replies in something I think is supposed to be English as we get on for our match. The bell Ringer is apparently
psychic as he rings it before Carlito makes the early run in on Masters on the ramp.
The Cameraman in the aisle gets smacked in the head as Carlito brawls with Masters over the
railing and into the crowd. Masters manages to toss Carlito back to ringside before running away through the crowd. A bloody
Carlito throws a chair against the post as he throws a fit as we go back to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The world would be a better place if we all just decided to abolish
that whole anti-stalking thing….
Back to the show. Our men are out for the tag team match, but the Hardy’s are looking
awfully stiff despite Jeff having been moving around just fine earlier in the battle royal as if nothing was wrong.
World’s Greatest Tag Team & Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. The Hardy Boys (Handicap
Shelton and Matt start us off and Shelton looks to have the early advantage on Matt, but
Matt regains control with knees to the midsection. He drags Benjamin over to Jeff, tagging out to the usually high flying
member. Jeff gets crushed, begging the question of why the hell you would tag in your weakest member so he can get squished
in the corner by the heel team. The heels just tale turns pummeling him in the corner, distracting the ref for choking and
Nitro tags in, beating Hardy into the mat, then slinging him from turnbuckle to turnbuckle
while launching into him with knee strikes. It isn’t until Hardy hit’s a Whisper in the wind that things look
up, but Haas gets the tag from nitro and beats Jeff down more. Jeff hit’s a flashback on the fly to score a tag to Matt.
Matt suplexes Haas for two. They hit the Poetry in Motion on Haas and toss Bicardi and Cola from the ring. JR feels the need
to remind us this isn’t a Battle Royal. All the men end up on the floor when Jeff comes off the ropes, laying everyone
out to Holy shit chants as we sneak off to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Tonight’s forecast- Dark! Continued mostly dark throughout
the night, followed by widely scattered light in the morning.
Back to the match, The Hardys are on the defense, that is, if by defense you mean, getting
completely and utterly destroyed by the other team piece by piece. Shelton is in the ring with Jeff, working his leg over
as we are lead to assume it is week from last night and even worse off after that stage dive which is usually only advised
when you have a crowd to dive into. The heels keep Hardy isolated, working him over in shifts, only clocking out when they
get bored. Nitro slams the knee on the apron of the ring as Melina shrieks like fucking King Kong just grabbed her. Shelton
tags in and locks on a sort of half crab maneuver. Hardy hops up to one leg to hit the mule kick on Shelton and tag in his
Matt begins to clean house, hitting an awesome Bulldog/Clothesline where he Bulldogs Haas
and clotheslines Benjamin. He follows by hitting side effects and on both Bicardi and Cola, covering Benjamin for two
when Haas breaks it up. Matt gets tripped up from the outside shortly thereafter and Shelton roll shim up with tights for
Winners: Nitro, Benjamin & Haas
After the match, everyone destroys the Hardys and Nitro focuses on Jeff, tossing the belt
onto him and pointing angrily as Melina raises his hand in celebration. We go to the back with Tard who has Umaga and asks
Estrada who he would rather have Umaga face, Cena or Edge. Estrada says they would choose Cena because he’s easier to
beat than Edge (What makes Edge harder? Those huge teeth? Would they hurt Umaga’s ass if he tried the Ass Crash on his
face?). Umaga ends the promo by screaming like he’s seen the ghost of Biggie Smalls as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Back to the show. Fed-X runs into Nitro and Melina as he soaks up the camera since it’s
the only way he can get some fucking camera time. JR and King talks about King’s interview with Stalone before giving
us a preview of Rocky Balboa. Damn I want to see that. Turns out to be a video interview with him. Stalone says he wanted
to end it in the ring and since Rocky V ended in the streets. Stalone says it’s Rocky’s final goodbye and claims
it is pretty biographical. At least he admits Rocky five sucked worse than Ryan Seacrest. They reference Hogan’s appearance
in the third match, and Stalone says Hogan would beat Rocky in the real world. Apparently wrestlers are “dexterious”.
Stalone says Cena can beat Fed-X with a single finger and he stands a better chance against Cena’s wardrobe. We then
get a shot of Cena preparing as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I was totally zoned out for this break, but I’m pretty sure
there was a Bowflex in it.
Back to the show. Flair has two matches in one night? he's gonna crumble into a pillar of
dust like at Sodom and Gomorrah, only without the rampant sex and lesbianism.
Flair is gonna take on Keny who has his full name now which is something like Kenny DykeStream
Kenny vs. Ric Flair
Flair lights Kenny up with early chops on offense, but Kenny is having none of these bullshit
of getting owned by an old fogy. He scores a heavy hit off the ropes to send Ric tumbling to the floor before slingshot ting
over, but her pretty much bombs it. Kenny rolls flair back into the ring for a two count before coming in to taunt Ric on
the ground, tossing his bandana at him. Kenny goes for covers often, hitting a running elbow drop for two before trying a
chinlock (take a shot). Kenny fights off Flair when he break loose, catching the Nature Boy on the top rope to toss him down.
Kenny goes up top and bombs his leg drop, allowing Ric to hit knife edge chops in the corner. Kenny tries whipping him to
the opposite corner, but misses, hitting his knee on the turnbuckle. Flair tries to work the knee, but Kenny flip around into
a rollup for three and a CLEAN win.
Flair looks amazed as all fuck before stepping up to offer his hand. Kenny refuses to shake
and points to himself saying he’s the man around here before stomping off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Jet Li is truly Fearless of wearing his hair in a ridiculous fashion.
Back to the show. Edge’s music hits, and I gotta wonder what our Main event is supposed
to be tonight if the WWE Title match is right now. The crowd seems less than thrilled to be watching this match for the upteenth
time it seems. JR and King can’t seem to decide what country Baghdad is in while Cena heads to the ring.
World Tag Team Champion Edge vs. WWE Champion John Cena (WWE Title Match)
Cena goes straight to a waist lock into a takedown and pins for one out of a half nelson.
Cena and Edge trade rights and Cena catches a boot to the face to pick up another two on Edge. He runs straight into Edge’s
boot in the corner and Edge tosses him to the floor as King and JR seem intent on noting that that would eliminate you in
a Battle Royal again. Cena eats stairs and blocks getting slammed into the mat, but when he crawls back in, Edge hit’s
a neck breaker for two as the crowd actually does seem to fire up big time now. Edge hit’s a reverse DDT for another
two then goes for a headlock (take a shot).
Cena fights to his feet as the men root for Edge while the women root for Cena as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: Pro Gaming championship: Nerds with Money.
Back to the show. Edge has a rear naked choke on and is humping away at Cena’s back
like a horny wiener dog. Cena starts to fight loose and Edge hit’s a ton of head butts only to lock o a reverse arm
bar with his legs. Cena rolls him back into a pin for two, but Edge rolls him back down. Edge releases the hold when Cena
tries powering loose while the dueling chants begin again. Edge goes to a neck vice. Cena finally breaks out with a one big
slam to start a standing ten count.
Edge wobbles up and Cena goes on offense. Edge dodges a whip tot e corner, jumping over him
only to run into clotheslines, should block, proteome, Five Knuckle shuffle, but Edge rolls out of the way, spearing Cena
while he recovers his hand. He only picks up two though when Cena puts his hand on the rope, JR and King arguing over whether
or not he touched it all, thinking it was his foot. Edge tries a suplerplex, but Cena counters, throwing him off and landing
a top rope guillotine leg drop for two. Cena hit’s a hangman on Edge into the Protobomb and then lands the five knuckle
shuffle. Cena scoops up Edge who counters into a reverse DDT, but Cena rolls it over into a reverse suplex. For two.
Edge and Cena begin to brawl and Edge goes to the corner, but Cena scoops him into an FU.
Edge’s feet knock out the ref and and Orton runs in with an RKO. DX then runs in after Orton tosses the ref in and runs,
hitting a pedigree. Cena covers for three.
Edge and Orton look pissed, Edge crying in the ring as DX celebrate with Cena with Suck It
signs as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Commercials aren’t very good for you.
Back to the show. They tell us we have a big time tag team main event tonight involving DX,
Umaga, Rated RKO and Cena. Cryme Tyme comes out next as we see some white guy acting WAY too much like them in the audience.
JTG says yo….a lot. They talk about Shelton and Haas. Shad says they have their own special guest…George W Bush.
Secret Service Agents come out, followed by…a pretty short GW. I didn’t know GW was that short…and knew
street hand shakes. He says he’s here on behalf of Cryme Tyme because not too long ago a rapper named Kanye West says
he started a rumor that he doesn’t like black people. He says that ain’t true because apparently Cryme Tyme is
his niggahs. He says Colin Powel is his homey and Condi is one hot little black bitch. He says he’s also down with George
Jefferson…for writing the Declaration of Independence. They cut him off on the words “My niggah” saying
he’ll get his ass beat if he ain’t careful.
Bush says the that if Shelton and Haas are the greatest tag team, then he’s the greatest
president ever. Cryme Tyme hugs him and jacks his wallet, which is ironic considering Bush’s daughter got her purse
stolen recently. The Presidential theme switches to the Cryme Tyme theme as bush dances to it before seeing they stole his
wallet. He tells them to arrest the nigge- people. He stops on the main aisle to do a Nixon wave but with one less finger
as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Tony Sinclair has a gap you could drive a fucking truck through.
Back to the show that never ends. At least there isn’t a freaking sheep puppet here
to sing to us about it. Victoria comes down with her list and drops it off at the table. It seems she’s checked off
everyone but Mickie. They have a match at New Year’s Revolution, but if you want to see it for free, just watch this
Victoria vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James (Non-title Match)
JR compares Victoria to Rosy on the view as Mickie gets caught up and rammed into the turnbuckle.
Victoria sets her up top and hit’s a superplex from the top for two. Mickie rams Victoria into the ropes to catch her
in a rollup for two. She then tries a backslide and a victory roll, but none get it done. Mickie gets a drop toe hold that
sends her face first into the bottom turnbuckle. A back suplex picks up two. Victoria misses a charging knee shot in the corner
and Mickie fights back, but Victoria strikes back. Mickie finally gains the advantage and hits her head scissors out
of the corner for two. Mickie tries for her Mickie DDT, but Victoria hangs her on the top rope and kicks her in the face.
She drags her inside the widow’s peak and the win.
Victoria checks off Mickie’s name. She writes on the board and Kevin Federline is on
his way to the ring for an interview as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Have you ever wondered how a body spray like Bod is supposed to
make you LOOK hotter?
Back to the show. So JR talks about Kevin and I sort of quit caring so here, read this.
This is the greatest and best song in the world... Tribute.
Long time ago me and my brother Kyle here,
we was hitchhikin' down a long and lonesome
All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road.
And he said:
best song in the world, or I'll eat your soul." (soul)
Well me and Kyle, we looked at each other,
each said... "Okay."
And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
Best Song in the World, it was The Best Song in the World.
Look into my eyes and it's easy to see
One and one make two, two and one make three,
Once every hundred-thousand years or so,
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
And the grass
Needless to say, the beast was stunned.
Whip-crack went his Whoopy tail,
And the beast
He asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"
And we said, "Nay. We are but men."
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
This is not The Greatest Song in the World, no.
This is just a tribute.
The Greatest Song in the World, no, no.
This is a tribute, oh, to The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was
The Greatest Song in the World,
All right! It was the best muthafuckin' song the greatest song in the world.
And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
the song we sang on that fateful night it didn't actually
anything like this song.
This is just a tribute! You gotta believe it!
And I wish you were there!
Just a matter of opinion.
Ah, fuck! Good God, God lovin',
So surprised to find you can't stop it.
And we’re back. Kevin finishes ranting about what his name is as we pimp our main event
and go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I have two first name’s too actually. Cameron Cory.
Back to the show. They pimp the New Year’s Revolution card as we go to a recap of the
Battle royal and the title match. Out Tag Team champs are out, followed by Uuuuuumagaaaaaa! The heels gather as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Leonardo Di Caprio stars as the obligatory white man in a movie
about black people- Blood Diamond.
We come back and Umaga’s theme is still playing, how damn long have they been listening
to those freaking drums? Cena is out next, since the champion isn’t as freaking important as DX.
Degeneration X & WWE Champion John Cena vs. World Tag Team Champions Rated RKO &
Umaga w/ Estrada
Cena starts off the match with Orton. You have to wonder when Umaga magically gained all
of this understanding for the intricate rules of tag team wrestling, obviously it wasn’t as a fat bastard dressed in
street gear with another fat bastard. Nope. Cena gains early advantage, beating Orton around like a rag doll. He tags out
to Shawn, but HBK gets the tables turned on him in the corner and dragged to the heel corner. Shawn gains control of Edge
when he tags in with rights and chops.
Michaels catches Edge with a boot and a chop but telegraphs the back body. Orton tags back
in, but Shawn falls back on chops again, hitting the flying forearm into the nip up, but Umaga casually steps in and hit’s
a clothesline to crush him. Orton tags Umaga in who goes nuts on Shawn, chasing the ref from the ring. Umaga finally tags
out and Edge dissects Michaels some more. Edge hits a spear in the corner but misses the follow up. Hunter tags in and o does
Umaga. Triple H goes all out on him with everything, face buster and clothesline, but nothing takes him down. He finally bounces
off the ropes with a diving clothesline to take him down, then spine busters Orton. Hunter goes for the pedigree on Orton
after dumping Edge, but Umaga hit’s the Spike on him.
Cena takes a shot to the throat from Umaga, and Michaels eats the Samoan Drop. Cena gets
pissed and tackles Umaga to the floor. Cena sends Umaga through the glass in the side of the stage and leaves ringside with
him as Rated RKO destroy DX. Hunter is beaten with a chair and knocked into the time keeper. The match is finally called
Winners: Cena & DX
Shawn takes a Double RKO onto a chair which should actually hurt their arms more than him.
Hunter tries to grab Sledgie but Edge baseball slides him into the announce table and right into JR’s lap. Edge and
Orton tackle him, beating him amidst the announcers before giving him a conchairto on the table. They then get back in the
ring and show the blood on the chair to Michaels, setting him up for one too while the crowd chants for Cena. Instead, they
get refs. The Trainers fight them off from Michaels. There’s no announce crew for the replays or any of this since they
took out he table. We do get a nice random reaction shot of some ugly bitch and a little kid. This goes on WAY too long. Eventually
the show just kind of goes off the air.
Well, that’s your show, I would like, rant about something here, but our mystery antagonist
might run out of material if I did, so you all have a good night and Merry Christmas and all that shit.