WWE RAW RANT: (08/04/08) By Cameron Burge Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period"
appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those
impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A
selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life
quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
Show opens with Mike who has a NEW douche bag haircut and special douche bag brand glasses. The crowd cheers when he says he wouldn’t like to take up too much of our time. Big You suck chants follow. He says there was once a man who wasn’t taken very seriously and performed in a circus like atmosphere and wasn’t very good at his job….this sounds familiar….oh he says it is Ronald Reagan. He says he went from a bad actor to a great president and says first impressions are deceiving. He points out that Reagan acting with a monkey is the same as him calling Jeff Hardy, Jeff Harvey and we all grow from our mistakes…into mistake trees. He admits he isn’t the greatest announcer in ECW history and a lot of us won’t let us go and there is a petition on WWE.com asking for his resignation. He apologizes to King and Cole for getting their asses kicked. He then offers us a championship match. Oo, can it be a Diva’s match?! I sure do lover those
/sarcasm. He then offers two championship matches, but reveals we actually have three. Cena and Batista will go for the tag straps….the fuck?
JBL then interrupts him. They talk about something, but I’m not really listening at all. JBL basically sucks up to him for a while. He wants Mike to announce another Summerslam in himself vs. CM Punk. Jericho then interrupts…who the fuck told everyone to wear a suit today? Do any of these guys own a pair of jeans? Jericho says he deserves the title match. HBK chats begin. They start to fight with each other and it feels like middle school all over again. Mike says he doesn’t believe in the easy (like Kelly Kelly?) so he’s making a handicap match against CM Punk where the person who gets the pin gets the title match at Summerslam. If Punk wins, neither of them get the match, which would make them both look like complete douche bags.
Random Commercial Thought: I spent this commercial break reading about Child Porn laws…..don’t judge me!
Back to the show where we have an IC title match starting. And here comes everyone’s favorite Ras Tafari, Kofi Kingston. Cole and King tell us that Raw dominated the networks…in the male demographic. The chicks were too busy watching the latest movie about that guy who beat his wife, but she runs away to her lesbo friend who always knew he was bad for her, but she meats this really nice doctor/cop who is helping protect her, but in the end she has to save herself and rescue him from her crazed husband….yeah. Fucking Lifetime.
Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea (Intercontinental Title Match)
Kofi starts off okay but Paul comes back with some powerful offense only to get sent to the corner where Kofi leaps up to hump his face. Welcome to Jamaica, Mun. Katie distracts Kofi who tries to kick her off the apron, allowing a clothesline from behind from Paul. British: Getting the Blacks from behind since 1492. Paul picks up a two count and goes to a terrible looking Camel Clutch. Kofi arm drags his way out and catches Burchill with a series of kicks. Paul battles buck but a turn around chest slap somehow levels him. That move wouldn’t knock down a little girl. Kingston delivers a cross body out of the corner for two and follows with a Russian Leg Sweep and the Boom Boom Boom, into Trouble in Paradise for the win.
Kingston has a giant thigh zit. Katie Lea gets up in his face, but Paul attacks only to get tossed to the floor. Paul tries to drag him out but eats a dropkick and Kofi chases him away as Mickie comes down to chase off Katie in preparation for their match.
Random Commercial Thought: The Longshots…hmm where have I seen this movie before… http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/nostalgia-critic/34-nostalgia-critic/308-90s-sports-montage-
Huh, TNA is going to be here the 24th at the same place I will be Thursday to see Weird Al. That’s right, I’m going to see Weird Al in concert. I’m awesome like that.
Women’s Champion Mickie James vs. Katie Lea Burchill (Women’s Title Match)
Match is already in progress and Mickie is slamming Katie Lea around the ring, delivering a dropkick to a seated Katie Lea. Katie rolls to the floor but Mickie leaps over the ropes with a Lou Thesz. Mickie delivers some knees to the gut as the ref gives her a chastising that you don’t usually hear from a ref. What a dick. Can’t he tell which one is the face? Katie comes back fierce and lays Mickie out flat with a neck breaker through the middle rope, dropping herself to the floor. Katie celebrates her scripted achievement and pins for two. Bow and Arrow lock from Katie, but Mickie escapes into a sudden pin for two. Mickie delivers her face humping leg scissors out of the corner and goes in with flying forearms. A neck breaker picks up two for Mickie. Katie comes back with a jaw buster and a northern lights for two. This has quickly become a match of who can do the most moves involving bending backwards. Mickie springs back with the tornado DDT for
Beth Phoenix then randomly runs Mickie over. She then get out of the car and wonders how she got it into the ring in the first place before beating Mickie’s ass (in the bad way). Cole declares Beth to be the dominant species in the Women’s Division as apparently she isn’t human I guess? Mickie tries to fight back but Beth flattens her with a some kind of reverse spine buster or something. It’s pretty brutal. Santino then appears to clap for her and get his ass grabbed. Which one is pitching and which one is catching?
Random Commercial Thought: Bebe’s Kids is a video game for the SNES based off of an animated movie which is based off of a standup act which was based off a real life set of children. Wow.
Back to the show. We run a classic WWE moment of Austin delivering a stunner to Sgt Slaughter. Yay? Off to the back with Mike Adamle. He’s talking to Stephanie but all I hear is BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Santino confronts him with Beth Phoenix and says they both deserve title shots at Summerslam. Mike says there is only one room for one more title match at Summerslam. Santino says he wants what she wants….to see him as champion. She says she wants the match to be the women’s title match…but he doesn’t want to be in the Women’s Championship match. Wow. Mike has an Adamle original. He makes the match at Summerslam match for both titles in a tag match (isn‘t that how WCW ended up with an actor as champion?). Santino is fucking hilarious in every sense of the word.
Overly dramatic video package for John Cena who apparently requires monk chanting in his video. I wish I knew why. Batista is interviewed in the back about his match with Cena at Summerslam and tonight’s match. He tells Cena to stay out of his way. He has excruciatingly severe body odor.
Random Commercial Thought: Soul Caliber 4 is just as broken as the last three games.
Layla is dancing in the ring. Oh hey a buttcheek. That’s entertainment right there. Earlier, Jamie Noble says he tried calling her several times but has reservations at the Waffle House. Layla called him a loser. Aw. Regal interrupts the dance wearing a suit that makes you believe he thinks he’s still GM. I wish. When he says he has something to say he actually gets a cheer. Ha. He reintroduces himself to us as our king. Crap, I forgot to pay my taxes. He earned that title….by beating a midget. He is interrupted by Jamie Noble. The only guy who actually dresses for the occasion in a pair of jeans a tank top. Noble proceeds to kick some ass. The refs pull them apart. After they are separated everyone looks really awkward, especially the audience as they try to figure out why they should care this happened.
Random Commercial Thought: Mirrors is the scariest movie of the summer….because it’s the only scary movie of the summer.
Back to the show. King tells us Lance Cade has a broken nose. Yeah I heard about that. Apparently he was trying to cram come actual talent in there. Now it’s time for our Handicap match. Jericho has ditched his pants for a pair of tighty trunks. Adamle comes out to say this match is on a ten minute time limit and if no one wins in that limit, it becomes a triple threat match at Summerslam. The hell? Fuck you Mike.
Chris Jericho & JBL vs. World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk (Complicated as all Hell Match)
The match starts and the heels argue with each other as the clock is running down. Punk looks confused and attacks them both. They both start to just beat CM Punk down. The rules for this match are so fucking convoluted it might as well be in TNA. Punk dumps Jericho to the floor and battles JBL but gets hit with a fall away slam for two. Jericho apparently took the hardest fall to the floor ever. JBL delivers a neck breaker for another two and goes to the floor to attack Jericho some more but Jericho slams him into the stairs and goes into the ring to attack Punk. Jericho tries to wear Punk down and after kneeing Punk to the floor goes up to the ropes and drops a knee for two. Scoop slam from Jericho goes back up top only to get caught this time. Punk attempts a superplex but is shoved back off and Jericho launches a flying spinning elbow for two. Halftime now. Abdominal stretch from Jericho, as this is ever so efficient. For some reason Jericho is
hoisting up on his tights like he’s delivering a wedgie instead of a submission.
Punk escapes the hold and ACTUALLY STARTS TO CRY. Waaaah you gave him a wedgie! JBL attacks from behind and tries to get the pin and JBL and Jericho start blocking each other’s pins. JBL and Jericho start to brawl and Jericho runs into a kick. Punk is chilling out on the floor but JBL follows out to slam him into the announce table. Jericho delivers a lionsault when Punk is put back in the ring and gets two when JBL stops the pin. Both brawl back into the ring and Punk launches himself from the top onto JBL and blocks a bulldog from Jericho, racking him into the corner. Ow that looks uncomfortable. If you are going to put stars on your shorts wouldn’t you want to put five instead of three? Punk delivers Pepsi Ones to both and then delivers the GTS on JBL but Jericho stops the pin at two with a dropkick. Powerslam on Jericho gets another two. Jericho bombs a dropkick and Punk slings Jericho into JBL, rolling up Jericho for two.
The crowd is shitting on this now as Punk tries the GTS but Jericho rakes the eyes. Jericho counters into the Walls. If Punk were smart he would submit and take the one on one match over the triple threat. Jericho is clotheslined from behind by JBL. All three stumble in pain and Jericho delivers a jaw buster to JBL but he falls onto Punk…for the three at the final second. Wow. That was kind of gay.
We see Shawn Michaels LIVE (yay)….from his home in Texas (boo) getting ready for the interview, but he is not wearing any type of eye patch which is odd for someone who has a detached retina I would say. WRESTLING FAKE YOU SAY?! FUCK YOU!
Random Commercial Thought: I think I need therapy.
Back to the show. Replay of Shawn’s eye injury before the interview with the man himself. He reveals he’s been wrestling with broken ribs for four months and lists off his other various injuries over the years. This sounds like some kind of shopping list for the directors of Saw. He says he has a reevaluation on his eye from his doctors the day before Summerslam. He says if the doctors tell him he can’t wrestle he will actually listen to them. Bull. Shit. You are full of it, Shawn.
Random Commercial Thought: Wii would like to play…a good game.
Back to the show where Matt Striker is in the ring for some reason. He says he is our teacher and thanks Mike for allowing him to compete. Who competes in a sleeveless sweater with a chalkboard in the ring? He says he is sure he has a good opponent lined up…and Kane appears. I saw that coming. Cole calls Kane a Jeckle and Hyde…he’s more like just a Hyde.
Kane vs. Matt Striker
Hmm, well I didn’t really watch this match but I have a good idea of how it went, let me try and think….clotheslines…boot…top rope clothesline…choke slam, pin…???…Profit?
Cole calls this a big victory, because it’s obviously HUGE to defeat a guy who hasn’t wrestled in a long while. Kane comes to ringside with his happy bag and the announcers and fans run from him. He retrieves a microphone. He says he’s been in a bad place lately. The midcard. He says he is better now and he is not alive, he’s dead….and holds up his bag. What, your pet rat from grade school? Is this going to be another one of those pointless storyline they just drop for no reason? May 19th! OMGWTFBBQ?!
Random Commercial Thought: Five dollars for a foot long is really cheap dickings.
Back to the show where we get a replay of Edge talking about Taker and Mick Foley. This seems to go on forever and then we have to go on to another video package this one for Batista. We back out to see Cena is watching it on TV. That thing will rot your brain yo. He talks about Batista and puts him over saying he’s surprised by Mike being the GM and then says he and Batista is the ultimate showdown for Summerslam. He then continues to random on for a while but all I hear is: We’re no strangers to love. You know the rules and so should I. A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of…you wouldn’t get this from any other guy…
Random Commercial Thought: The day we send Ben Stiller to war is the day I go to Canada.
Back to the show. Mike Adamle is talking to some blonde whore in the back about how he will take Kane’s happy sack from him next week if he won’t give it up so we can see what is inside it. Stop. Talking. You. Douche. I just don’t like his voice. The tag team champs arrive to X-pac heat.
John Cena & Batista vs. World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase (Tag Team Title Match)
Match starts off between Cena and Ted. Ted gets his ass beat hardcore before Cena just grins and tags out. Cody trades off and Batista tosses him around like a rag doll. Cody comes in with low knees and some right and tries a headlock but is just tossed off. He tries a sunset flip and Batista drags him up by the neck, slamming Cody to the corner. Who dresses Rhodes anyway? Does he buy all his outfits from “Completely Generically Blank Inc?” Batista looks prepared for a Batista bomb and Dibiase attacks from behind. Batista fights them both off and Batista misses a corner charge on Rhodes as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Movies are now a plague.
Back to the show where Batista suddenly makes the hot tag as we come back. Cena goes to town on the champs and delivers generic offense to Rhodes and lands the five Knuckle Shuffle. Dibiase blind tags in when Rhodes is set up for the FU and stops it with a dropkick to the back. Cena proceeds to get his ass torn apart (which is bad no matter how you read that sentence….perverts). Dibiase drops a Million Dollar fist as Cole calls it mocking the Five Knuckle Shuffle, the faggot. Dibiase gets a couple of two counts. They trade off kicking his butt for a while until Rhodes rides him around with a Sleeper Hold. This looks like the kind of stuff you see in this one Stephen Chow movie. Cena tries to escape to Batista but is dragged back and Dibiase trades in for his own sleeper. Booooooring.
Cena powers out into…a sleeper. Goddamnit. Cody Rhodes comes in and breaks that up. Cena bitchslap tags Batista for some reason when he escapes. I have no idea why. Things were going so well. Batista just runs Dibiase over now and levels Rhodes as well. THE DAVE crushes Ted in the corner and delivers a big spine buster. Snake eyes in the corner and a spear. Cena blocks Rhodes with a shoulder block and Batista pins Dibiase with a Batista Bomb for three….this is retarded. Didn’t we do this already with Cena and HBK?
Winners: Batista & Cena
They now compete to see who can hold up their belt the best….why I’m not sure. I think Cena won somehow. That was some intense…belt holding up….yeah…
Highlight of the Night: The Women’s Title Match was actually really good. I approve for once.
Lowlight of the Night: Matt Striker match. Do. Not. Want.
WWE “Creative” Award: Batista and Cena need the belts because…..?
WWE RAW RANT: (08/04/08) By Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
Show opens with a clip recap of the last two weeks concerning Cena and Batista. I swear to God they had a sequence of still running shots with one appearing to be from The Marine and the other looking like Batista’s version of The Running Man. I’ve always felt these sequences should be voiced by the Movie Preview Guy. *dramatic music*
This summer….Two men…will meet for the first time in the event of the century….
Cena: “We can’t go on like this!”
Batista: “I just can’t quit you!”
Okay, maybe that isn’t how it happened. Cena is on the microphone now talking about how Adamle wanted to do some ridiculous matches between him and Batista to make it more original, but he told him all he needs is them two having a match. Eh, I think I’d rather go for the Broken Glass Arm Wrestling challenge. Batista eventually comes out and I must say it’s nice to see they both brought their belts, but the oddity of Batista deciding to wear nothing but his tighties is a little disconcerting for me. Cena says this match is six years in the making and then tells us that he hasn’t told anyone before but he’s been watching him. Some people might call that creepy and stalking, John. Cena basically recounts their past and thankfully leaves out the part of watching Batista through a telescope next door. Batista admits to watching him too and this just became creepy as hell. He recaps more of their accomplishments that they have both done. Batista
eventually says anyone over the age of fifteen hates him and wants to see him beat him senseless. He then manages to put “Beat senseless” in the sentence as many times as possible.
Kick. You. Ass.
Cena seems a little pissed as he leaves and Batista looks like he forgot what happened to his car keys. Rematch for the tag belts tonight! The excitement! /sarcasm
Random Commercial Thought: Scorpion King 2? The fuck?
Back to the show. Cine gave the WWE two awards. They manufactured two too many this year and needed to get rid of them. What better way to show off their excellence in television entertainment….than a Kelly Kelly match….wait a minute! She’s here to lose to Beth Phoenix and her manwhore.
KellyKelly vs. Beth Phoenix w/ Santino Marella
Beth just walks up on Kelly and uses her titanic chesticles to shove her into the corner. Kelly delivers a bitchslap and a head scissors for a two count rollup. Beth then subsequently press slams her. Beth toys with Kelly for a little longer (not in that way) and bench presses her for a while. Kelly slips free into a two count roll up and they brawl with Beth running into a kick. She finally has enough of that and delivers that Chickenwing bomb for three.
Santino’s going to get SnooSnoo. He gets on the microphone and says they need to send a message and says she needs to do another move, the one he likes, but Kingston and James stop them. Santino says they will save this for Summerslam. If he says Summerslam one more time, they pay him as an advertising agent. Santino challenges for a match right now with Kingston. Holy crap he talks! He accepts, but it turns out he as challenging Mickie James. He says he needs to know where he can and cannot put his hands. Go for the boobs, they’re easy to hold on to. She accepts and he says he’ll put her back in the kitchen where she belongs. Bitch, get in the kitchen and back me a pie!
Random Commercial Thought: Girls don’t play sports. We just allow them to think they can.
Back to the show.
Santino Marella w/ Beth Phoenix vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James w/ Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston
Santino is trying to tie up but Mickie rolls out of the corner by him and goes to a headlock on him, but Santino escapes. For some reason he has this gay karate stance going on. Santino delivers a big headlock take down but she counters with a head scissors. He forearms her down for a zero count and she leg sweeps him for a zero count as well. She drop toe holds him into the bottom rope then rides him around spanking his ass. That was as odd as it sounds. Santino scoop slams and goes for a double knee drop but she rolls away. He calls for a time out to nurse his poor knee and she kicks it out from under him anyway. Bitch be cheating! She keeps stomping on it even though the ref keeps pushing her away. Santino and Kofi get into it, distracting the ref so eth rams Mickie into the ring post and Santino rolls her up with tights for three.
Santino runs around the ring like he just lit the Olympic torch. Adamle is talking to Tard in the back about being like the Ronald Reagan of WWE. Apparently he fucks over black people whenever he can? Kane approaches and Adamle says he doesn’t have room for a match for Kane at Summerslam but has a match for Kane against Jericho tonight. Adamle says he needs the bag after the show saying kids will go back to school with burlap sacks to scare people if they don’t. Wow! That logic is completely fucking infallible! Good job! Kane tells him this is a huge mistake.
Random Commercial Thought: Sleeper hits are movies that are only good when you are sleeping.
Back to the show. A bit of tag team history is displayed and we cut to Dibiase and Rhodes who talk about how awesome they are and how important it is to act as a team, unlike Cena and Batista. They talk about how they will win their titles back tonight but all I can think about is still WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH CODY RHODES’ EYES?!
Random Commercial Thought: Never trust random Asian chicks.
Back to the show. Cryme Tyme is here to win a pointless match that will never get them a tag team title shot, because it’s way more important to push guys who don’t even need belts. The Highlanders are here to be their victims. I wasn’t aware they still had jobs until now.
Cryme Tyme vs. The Highlanders
Rory starts off with Shad getting his ass handed to him. JTG tags in and delivers a flip over shoulder block before Rory dumps him to the floor. Rory starts to work the arm as Shad dances on the apron. Somebody must have started playing “It’s not Unusual”. JTG escapes and tags in Shad as Rory comes in. Shad destroys both men, sending Rory to the floor with a big boot. A reverse Russian leg sweep takes out Robbie for the win.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
The announcers pimp out the “Unwinnable Challenge for Punk” as we go to commercial. What is that challenge, a drinking contest?
Random Commercial Thought: The Mirrors have Eyes.
Back to the show. In case you weren’t aware, Orton did a motorcycle trick and hurt himself. No word on if the accident unblocked his personality clog. Here is JBL. Punk is out next and JBL stars to talk trash but Punk cuts him off….then forgets what his comeback was and leaves us with a long awkward moment. Nobody thought to add crickets and a tumbleweed to the picture. He mentions his history of being….a “little punker” is that what his parents lovingly called him? How odd. I think while JBL is talking now is a good time to point out that whatever is covered up on the table in the ring looks to be shaped like a dildo. This contest frightens me. Ironically, it’s a bottle of whiskey in the ring and it is a drinking contest. JBL seems to have foreseen my previous joke. What a dick. JBL says if he will drink just one shot, he will concede the contest to him entirely.
JBL has some theory about chucking their morals if Punk wants to be able to beat him. This is like some kind of bullshit you see in an anime. “You see young warrior, you cannot defeat me in your current state, but here. I’ll teach you all my moves so that the next time we meat you can pose a decent challenge, and kick my ass….and beat the guy who is actually the true evil behind all this but you don’t know that yet.” Punk says he won’t compromise his beliefs now after they got him so far. Because when you are sober and the chicks are drunk it’s way easier to pick up the good looking ones instead of the dogs. Long story short he refuses the drink. JBL makes a toast and Punk says he’s had his mind changed and will toast him since he’s the champ. He sniffs the glass (smells like ass) and then toasts JBL before tossing the drink in his face and destroying the ring. JBL eats a Pepsi One (haha, another drink) in the corner.
Random Commercial Thought: so I saw Weird Al in concert this last week, and TNA is going to be in the same building, but I’m still trying to figure out where the fuck they plan to put everything in that place. It’s smaller than the venue for old ECW shows.
Back to the show. Recap of Shawn Michaels with a reminder he will tell us how he is doing Sunday, provided he can remember which eye he hurt (thanks RD). Off to ringside for Chris Jericho and his severe lack of pants as well as Garrison Cade. Kane follows out soon after. Is it just me or does the sack look more full than it did before? Has he got something growing in there? Is it his weed stash?
Chris Jericho w/ Lance/Garrison Cade vs. Kane w/ Sack
Jericho shoves Kane to the corner and just gets tossed back out with Kane delivers a dropkick to the grounded Jericho. Jericho eats some rights in the corner and delivers an arm drag but misses a slow ass elbow drop. Jericho tries to rally back with zero success and gets tosses through the ropes with Cade running like a pussy. Kane continues the fight outside and tosses him back in and Cade tries to attack him from behind on the apron, but does nothing. It’s enough for Jericho to catch him with the springboard dropkick though. Jericho puts on some kind of weird headlock that just looks damned awkward. ENORMOUS slam from Kane that actually has Jericho spinning through the air. I can really describe what it was supposed to be. Kane misses a corner charge and Jericho rolls him up into a Walls attempt only to be punched off. Big side slam from Kane and he goes up top. This has become about as successful as it is for Flair lately and once again Kane finds
himself cut off at the top. Jericho tries a superplex, but Kane tosses him off and finally hits the lariat for once.
Adamle and a horde of guards come to the ring to surround it while Kane sets up a choke slam. Jericho escapes the choke, but gets run over by a big boot and Kane retrieves his baggie. Jericho catches him off guard with the Code Breaker.
Kane is now crying and hugging his bag. What is he, homeless? At least Adamle lost the douche bag glasses. Adamle says he is here to help and he knows what is inside that bag. Oh no, not my broken dreams! He says he knows who he has been referring to and he is…himself? Adamle says he’s tried being a normal person and can’t do it because deep down inside….he is the Christmas Creature! Adamle says Kane has proved he can lead a normal life while the crowd keeps chanting What at him. He asks for the bag if he wants to remain normal. Adamle says the people deserve to know, but if he knows already, why not just tell everyone, douche bag? He repeats himself now. I think he forgot his lines. He quotes Ronald Reagan randomly. “Take down that wall!” Kane jacks his Microphone and says there is a mask in this bag. Told you so. He says the man who wore it was scarred and tortured and damaged beyond all human recognition. The problem is….there was a huge
continuity error? He says the problem is it isn’t his mask. Haha, it’s Rey Mysterio’s mask. So…he ate Reyrey?
Random Commercial Thought: W-was that guy dating a cow?
Back to the show. How do we follow up such a shocking revelation as Rey Mysterio’s mask being in the sack? Why, with a Jamie Noble match of course!
William Regal vs. Jamie Noble
Regal just beats his ass from the get go and drags Noble outside to throw him backwards into the ropes. That gets him a two count. Noble escapes and runs away, kicking Regal into the corner where he comes running in with an awesome forward flip to send his ass crashing into Regal’s face. Noble gets a one count and goes up top with a cross body for two. Regal now comes back with a big knee to the forehead and gets the three. That was…random.
Smackdown replay where Edge begged for Taker to actually hit him with his lightning like he should have done to his opponents a long time ago and then beats his own family’s ass. It’s just like a Stephen King novel, how grand.
Random Commercial Thought: Um…how is The Incredible Hulk a Disaster Movie? I can understand the FIRST Hulk movie…
Back to the show for a Summerslam card rundown. They call Cena/Batista the ultimate showdown when we all know you can only have that is Batman and Godzilla are involved. John Cena wins the “Biggest star” texting vote by a huge margin because we all know only bitches text for pointless crap. Speaking of Cena, here he is. Batista then farts out some pyros as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Songs like Go Go Godzilla had to be written while on drugs.
Back to the show. Batista and Cena argue who will start. Batista eventually wins the argument.
World Tag Team Champions Batista & John Cena vs. Ted Dibiase & Coy Rhodes (World Tag Team Title Match)
The match starts and Batista immediately tag Cena in to be a jackass and the tag champs jump him. Rhodes starts to work Cena over, but misses a clothesline and allowing several shoulder blocks and a proteome to nail him. Cena knocks Dibiase off the apron and goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle it seems, only to taunt Batista with a You Can’t See Me. He then drops the knuckle on Rhodes as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Antifreeze isn’t much of an advanced auto part….it’s not even a part.
Back to the match. Dibiase has grounded Cena with a headlock. How exciting. Cena breaks free and dodges a corner charge from Dibiase before leaping to the tag. Batista destroys Dibiase with a clothesline and slams him to the corners. He eventually runs into a kick but catches Dibiase on the follow through with a clothesline. Batista taunts Cena and goes for the Batista Bomb only for Cena to drag Dibiase out of it. The ref pushes Cena back to his corner as Rhodes takes out THE DAVE’S knee. The sad part about this is how bad they make the tag title look but still each being able to handle these guys by themselves and not even caring about the belts at all
Batista catches Rhodes with a Powerslam and Cena holds his hand out for a tag, but Batista slaps him in the face for a tag. Cena gets up in his face and gets tackled by Dibiase from behind. It slams him into Batista and Cena gets rolled up for three.
Winners: Dibiase & Rhodes
Well that was kind of pointless. Cena starts calling Batista back to the ring as the ref whines at them like a dork. Dibiase and Rhodes try to attack them and instead both get destroyed on the outside against the ring steps for their trouble. Batista starts calling Cena back to the ring now. I already saw this bit. You know, Cena’s vein is bulging so huge on his arm it looks like he has the vines from The Ruins in him. The security from earlier suddenly runs to the ring to keep them apart when Cena returns. They eventually break through and a clusterfuck of bodies ensues as the show goes off the air, several minutes earlier than usual.
Highlight of the Night: Santino takes the cake as the most entertaining thing of the night.
Lowlight of the Night: Can someone explain to me why Kelly Kelly still has a job?
WWE “Creative” Award: The shift of focus from Kane possibly returning to his masked state to a storyline where he apparently killed Rey Mysterio is pointless and awkward.
Show opens with Chris Jericho and a sign that says “Y2Jerk” in the audience which is THE MOST ORIGINAL SIGN OF ALL TIME. Somebody give that fucking genius an award. Actually….there’s a clown in the audience….with a sign. And it says “No clowning around.” And to top it off he is right there in the first couple of rows on the most common angle used. Oh I can tell this is gonna be a good night. Jericho shows us a replay of Michaels and his plastic Barbie doll that stood in for his wife, blaming Michaels for putting her in harm’s way. This entire segment plays like it was filmed by the directors of Saw. Jericho blames Michaels some more. You know what this rivalry need? Less talking in suits and more actual wrestling or fighting….or ANYTHING other than this every week. There’s a huge HBK chant and then it fades into a weird Y2J chant for a moment then a bunch of boos. Jericho then leaves.
Random Commercial Thought: oh wow, another corrupt cop movie, how original.
Back to the show where Batista is here to destroy Burchill who is already in the ring. He couldn’t even be bothered to bring his sister/ho to the ring for this.
Paul Burchill vs. Batista
Burchill goes for the knee which is apparently worn for some reason after the match with Cena last night. Batista just powers through all semblance of an offense, but Burchill escapes a Powerslam for a chop block and stomps the knee. He then gets speared for his effort. Yeah, that went well. Batista rams him into the corner and delivers a spine buster and a Batista Bomb.
I just noticed there are two clowns at ringside now. Are they multiplying? Neither one seemed happy with Batista winning, giving him thumbs down. We cut to the back for Mike Adamle who introduces us to Carlito’s brother as being our newest guy on Raw….he then shoves him aside before he can talk, noticing Cena. Now I don’t know about you, but how the hell he noticed a guy around two corners and down a hallway entering is a mystery to me. He tries to talk to Cena about his match but he blows him off to shake Batista’s hand and congratulate him on last night. He says the better man won but that was last night before we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Blue PSPs? I didn’t know people got excited for limited edition paperweights.
Back to the show. Some kind of whoring out of the Diva’s contest commercial. Unfortunately you won’t get to bone any of them, so it absolutely doesn’t matter. Speaking of which, Jillian and her boobs are in the ring. She’s in Chicago so she will sing a Chicago song, unfortunately it’s one of my personal favorite songs actually and now I’m not sure I can ever listen to it ever again. Kelly eventually interrupts by coming out, and I assume they only plan to combine her shitty dancing with the shitty singing. Mickie James will be teaming up with her, because I just now noticed Katie Lea has been lurking in the background.
Jillian Hall & Katie Lea Burchill vs. Kelly Kelly & Mickie James
Jillian tries a flip over Monkey Flip, but Mickie cartwheels out of it…or tries to because she just sort of falls on her ass. Katie lea tags in and gets slammed by Mickie for two. Kelly tags in with a sunset flip for two. She backflips out of a foot catch by Katie but when she tries a head scissors, Jillian manages to shoves her off and tag in. Jillian stands on her hair and stretches Kelly before tagging back out to Katie. Katie Lea with a backbreaker for two. Apparently this is just a knee to the spine for Cole, but he lives in his own little announcing world anyway. Kelly gets owned for a while longer before crawling to a tag to Mickie. Mickie clocks both heels and looks to have the pin on Katie, but Jillian stop it at two. Kelly and Mickie double Dropkick her to the floor with Jillian following her out. Mickie gets rolled up by Katie for two, delivering a DDT in retaliation for the win.
Winners: Kelly & Mickie
Random Commercial Thought: The new “enter type of movie here” Movies don’t make any sense, as they seem to have less and less to do with what they are parodying.
Back to the show. JBL is here as we find out Cena has a random handicap match against the Tag Team champions. JBL fired people in his companies today for some unknown reason. I heard it was “excess faggotry” myself. He will be destroying Jamie Noble.
JBL vs. Jamie Noble
Noble attacks fast and pounds on JBL early before getting caught and tossed with a Fall Away slam. JBL tosses Noble around and beats on him in the corner, dropping elbows on Noble who looks like a midget in there next to him. He drops so many elbows in a row I’m beginning to think I’m watching the computer fight on Smackdown vs. Raw. He finally drags him to his feet for a Clothesline from hell, dragging Noble by the arm back up for another. He does it a third time and goes to pin Noble but stops at two. The ref has enough and just ends the match instead and tells JBL to fuck off.
We find out that Shane and Stephanie are planning to deliver a Blockbuster Announcement. They went to Blockbuster last night and rented The Scorpion King 2 and thought it sucked. More at a 11.
Random Commercial Thought: Women shop in bikinis.
Back to the show. Wild Adamle appears. Adamle used Douchebag Glasses. It’s not very effective. He announces Punk and Jericho will wrestle tonight and Shane and Stephanie have compelled him to make this extraordinary announcement. A new title concept will be made….the fuck? Five people including the World Champion will be in a 20 minute match. As you score a pinfall or submission you will become champion, but you have to be champion at the end of the time limit. That is the gayest thing I have ever heard. Did somebody put fucking Vince Russo on the writing team? He announces the people in the match as being CM Punk, Kane, JBL, Batista, and John Cena. They call it the Championship scramble. All that makes me think of: This is the WWE. And this is the WWE on drugs.
Dibiase and Rhodes are out now, but Cryme Tyme suddenly appears (level 24). Shad distracts the champs while JTG steals the belts from ringside. The tag champs are pissed as Cena comes down for the match.
Random Commercial Thought: Fig Newtons is not a type of cookie, it is a brand.
Back to the show.
John Cena vs. World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase (Handicap Tag Match)
Match is in progress with Cena working over Cody who someone gets a blind tag from Ted. Ted attacks Cena from behind and the two begin a series of quick tags and double teams, picking up two counts all over the place. If they were to add them together, they would get a few three counts out of this with counts to spare. Too bad wrestling doesn’t work in an additive sense. Cody ducks a wild right and counters into a nice Russian Leg Sweep. Cena is left reeling on the apron. He starts to fight them both off but Cody sends him off to the floor.
General double team offense continues. I’d rather point out here that if Cena wins, it utterly destroys the tag team division again. It’s much like how earlier the entire division was fed to Triple H systematically in order to fuel his enormous ego. We get along to where Dibiase is confidently slamming Cena around and taunting. He’s probably trying to raise his Smackdown meter I guess. Cena counters a suplex with one of his own then flops onto the ground. Rhodes makes a tag in and stands still for Cena to grope his legs up first. Pervert. Cena starts to pummel him and go to the general offense with the Protobomb. Cena delivers a Five Knuckle Shuffle and Dibiase stops an FU attempt, but gets sent to the floor. Rhodes is tripped into the STFU for the end.
I just heard every great dead tag team roll over in their graves.
Random Commercial Thought: Not everyone gets lucky on prom night. Notably anybody wearing really thick glasses.
Back to the show. Harley Race is here tonight. I don’t think his wits came with him this evening. I’m not even sure he knows where he is tonight. Yet another replay of what happened to Michaels’ wife last night (hint: it wasn’t anal sex). They play when Michael’s reaction was after the show but nothing special was said. Actually, hardly anything was said at all. Punk gives his two cents on Jericho which nobody asked for before we go to ringside for Santino and Beth.
Random Commercial Thought: Longshot was a superhero. Her defeated that one really fat bastard with mechanical spider legs.
Back to the show where D-Lo is here to try and dethrone Santino (at least I think this is a title match?). I don’t think this crowd even knows who the fuck he is. His entrance is closely followed by Kofi Kingston who isn’t even wrestling and actually gets pyro unlike these two. He’ll be adding commentary.
D-Lo Brown vs. Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella w/ Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix (Title Match?)
D-Lo has the advantage early on but Santino trips him up when he goes up top. Santino picks up a two count. D-Lo delivers a slam and hits his big leg drop before climbing up top. Beth gets in the ring and just stands in front of Santino as a wall. Bitch needs to get the fuck in the kitchen. D-Lo tells her to get to steppin’ and she slaps him in the face for the DQ.
D-Lo nails Santino when he tells her he’s got this and end up being sent to the floor and against the announce table where Kofi slams him into the announce table. Just a thought, but Santino would probably wrestle better if he didn’t get plowed in the ass by Beth. Just saying. Elsewhere, Kane is walking in the back in a conveniently red-lit hallway with Phantom of the Opera organ music playing. Wow, you don’t see one of those randomly built into every arena.
Random Commercial Thought: The Colonel’s secret recipe involves people. IT’S MADE OF PEOPLE!
Back to the show. Who the fuck called a bikini contest a classic moment worth relieving? Kane comes out to red lighting to give a speech on what he did to Rey Mysterio, saying that he just killed him spiritually I guess. Batista interrupts because he’s apparently going to defend a midget’s honor. Batista limps down and spears Kane, delivering a spine buster and missing the Batista Bomb when Kane knocks out the knee. Kane delivers a choke slam to put an end to that shit. That organ music plays again as I assume this is his new theme music or something.
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t think Bangkok is that dangerous. Maybe Bangcock….
Back to the show. Jericho comes to the ring with his pointless background piece. I forget its name. Something Cade. Punk comes out to massive pops from his hometown crowd. For some reason Jericho is taking hints from Cade who has never accomplished shit beyond tag team titles and thus shouldn’t be giving him any advice ever.
World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho w/ Lance Cade (Non-title Match)
Punk delivers rapid fire kicks to Jericho all over, kicking him from one side of the ring to the other and slamming him. Jericho proceeds to take heavy knees to the gut over and over until the ref forces a break, allowing a cheap shot. Reecho starts to beat Punk into the corner. Punk counters a charge into the corner into a move that looks like Tajiri’s Tarantula, but is actually some sort of weird headlock through the ropes. He rolls out of it into a pinfall for two which he switches into another submission. Punk sends Jericho to the floor hard as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Olympics. Where the special people play.
Back to the show where Jericho is working Punk in a headlock. He starts to work over the back and neck with a back breaker into some kind of submission, whatever you want to call it. Punk knees him in the head to escape, because as we all know, once you have taken Muay Thai you will want to use your knees for everything. Jericho catches Punk in an abdominal stretch this time. Punk counters Jericho’s bulldog out of the corner with a round kick to the face. Punk goes on the offensive with a dropkick and starts to deliver kicks, getting a chicken wing back breaker for two.
Jericho powers back with a lionsault for two and a quick exchange continues as Dueling chants for Punk and Jericho begin. Both men fight to the corner with Jericho countering into the Walls in the center of the ring. Punk crawls to the ropes for the break. Jericho goes for the Code breaker but Jericho is scooped up into the GTS. He escapes by sliding out to he apron and goes up top, but Punk delivers a top rope Pepsi One into bulldog. Punk looks like he’s going for the GTS but Cade gets on the apron, distracting for the Code Breaker and the win.
The show just kind of ends here, probably to avoid watching the crowd riot I would guess.
Highlight of the Night: The main event was spectacular, well worth seeing actually. A rarity lately.
Lowlight of the Night: Kane reveals something nobody even cares about.
WWE “Creative” Award: Championship Scramble. lolwut?
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).