RAW RANT ARCHIVE (August 2007)
WWE RAW RANT: (08/06/07) By Cameron Burge
All in all, it’s great to see Vince back on TV. He seems to be looking pretty good for a guy who was fucking assassinated. It just goes to show you that car bombs aren’t half as effective as a good old fashioned pillow to the face. COME TO DADDY.
The show opens with Vince being greeted by Coach who dances around the subject of Vince’s proposed death. Vince demands every person under contract in the building tonight has to be in the ring when the show starts because he’s exercising his freedom of expression. I tend to Jazzercise my freedom of expression. Theme and pyro hit and everyone starts trotting out. It looks like a fucking jobber parade. After everyone is in the ring, Vince reminds us the last time he was OFFICIALLY on Raw (because that one show NEVER EXISTED) he was blown to smithereens and replays that tragic event for all of to see. You know, nothing quite clears up a case of mild insanity like a car bomb to the face. He says he faked it because he needed to know if anyone really cared about him, and he won’t be facing the legal backlash for this at all! God Bless! He says it was nice to find out he was beloved by everyone here in Buffalo and everyone in the ring and people all over the world (except that one country just north of us…you know…Greenland.
He says people think of him as a soothsayer (the fuck?) and he has a lot to talk about tonight. Among those topics are the United States Congress. Every time he says that he gets a What? Chant so he keeps repeating it. He says he’ll address the hypocrisy of the news media (WARRIAH) and certain individuals of his immediate family but right now he’s addressing everyone in the squared circle (because somebody forget circles don’t have corner). Coach comes up the ramp late and vince reminds him of such. Vince says in a moment a battle royal will begin. He says the winner will be the new GM and the divas make a run for it! Coach looks surprised. Gershon adds: here's a match and the winner won't be wrestling much anymore
GM Battle Royal
Umaga eliminates Trevor Murdoch and Super Crazy as well as Kendrick. He goes on to toss Robbie of the highlanders as well. JTG gets dumped by Booker and the fight continues. Booker eats the map much to Jerry’s love when Sandman knocks him down. I wasn’t digging Booker’s hair tonight anyway he had a plant growing from his head. Shad is dumped by Umaga and Shelton barely escapes elimination from the former Chief Morley. Carlito is running around to escape danger by crawling on the ground as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Shit! We ran out of movie ideas! Quick make another King Arthur film!
Back to the match. Umaga almost eliminates himself by missing Kendrick in the corner. Everyone gangs up on him, an it really annoys me that Cody Rhodes is still in and wearing those fucking tights that make him look like a rejected character concept for the Shocker from Spiderman. Cody eliminated Daivari during the break. The other Highlanders is sent sailing out, followed by Cade by hacksaw. Umaga dump Val Venis. Carlito avoids getting eliminated by Shelton. Umaga eliminates himself by attacks Kendrick too hard. Hacksaw dumps Kennedy. Shelton and Carlito throw Duggan. It’s down to Shelton, Cody, Sandman and Carlito. Carlito plays the part of Spiderman, furthering my theory on who Cody is trying to be, by avoiding Cody’s assault.
Cody is on the apron resting and finally drops back in while Sandman and Shelton fight. Carlito attacks Sandman after Shelton goes down. Carlito tries to chuck Sandman but he holds in. Cody tackles Benjamin. Cody tries to clothesline Benjamin over the top, but runs into a super kick. Cody fights out with a punch combo and hit’s a flying forearm on Shelton. Carlito and Sandman are entangled in the ropes. Cody skins the cat and Benjamin kicks him in the head. Carlito then chuck Cody to eliminate him. Sandman is on the apron and fights off but Benji and Carlito and goes up top. Carlito catches him only to go for a superplex and be thrown off. Shelton leaps up and superplexes him anyway. Carlito and Shelton both end up on the apron after going over the top and Sandman knocks them out but William Regal dives into the ring from his hiding to eliminate him (by hitting him with his shoe?) and win.
Winner: William Regal!
Unlike Hornswoggal, Regal at least decides to pick up his shoe. They show that Regal escaped the ring after a supposed injury where he had to take his boot off during the break. I can’t remember the last Battle Royal on Raw that didn’t end in this exact same way.
Random Commercial Thought: I approve this message. Tacos rule.
Back to the show where Coach is pissed Regal is GM, since he’s a foreigner (GASP!). Vince says he has two letters from Congress and says it makes no sense that two committees want to investigate them at the same time. He compares the Congressional Committees to Barney Fife. Vince says President Benjamin Franklin…and Coach points out he’s only on the 100 dollar bill. Vince tells him he’s not out of a job but he’s an assistant to Regal now. He reminds him how Regal likes his tea. We go to ringside where JR and King try their hardest to sell that Vince making fun of congress is funny at all before running a video package for Hunter. Elsewhere in the back, Tard talks to Booker who’s put his burger king crown back on in the back about Hunter. Booker calls Jerry and Hunter fakes. He says the loser tonight has to place a crown on the winner’s head in a ceremony.
Random Commercial Thought: Apparently wearing body spray may cause you to spontaneously combust.
Back to the show. We get a rewind of Cryme Tyme beating their opponents and selling their gear. Rory is in the ring, ready to take on Snitsky…..yeah. So, how are all of you doing? I hear the market is dropping? OH. The match is over. Snitsky crushed him with like a clothesline or something. Coach rushes to Vince in the back saying his boss is in the shower but the phone rang for Vince and it’s his accountant. Vince says everything they have should be audited and the same thing will happen this time that happened last time and they are gonna end up owing him money. The internal Revenue Service is investigating him and Coach says that doesn’t sound fun to him (Well he should have listened to Mary Poppins on how to have fun with work). Vince goes on to bash the new Media saying there is no difference between the WWE and the News Media because they are both in the Entertainment business and facts don’t matter. Vince shakes his head and says IRS…and a man in the corner drops his paper and IT’S FUCKING MIKE ROTUNDO.
Random Commercial Thought: When I first saw the Halloween remake trailer, I stood up in the theatre and said "Rob Zombie should be dragged out into the street and beaten with a club."
Back to the show where Jillian wants to kick off the Summerslam party. They subtly pimp Lillian’s album. Jillian asks Buffalo if they want to hear Lillian sing a song from her new album and she says she’s just kidding because people want to hear her. Jillian starts singing and luckily I know how to mute the TV. Mickie eventually interrupts.
Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James Jillian bends Mickie down into a back breaker type….uh…thing. Mickie escapes and starts hitting some forearms and a Lou Thesz press into some mounted rights. Mickie gets a neck breaker in for two. Jillian takes over the match though and nailing a bulldog get the win. She crawls along creepily on the mat to laugh at Lillian. Coach is in the back and congratulate Mr. Regal. Regal says he’s so looking forward to being his assistant and Coach corrects him with Executive Assistant. Regal says he’s always wanted to be the host of a game show (that explains that fucking hair!). Regal says they are going to build a set in the ring and play the dating game. We get a replay of Cena getting apple in the face to pimp the Cabana on our way to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Subway scrabble. Because everyone wants to spell and eat at the same time.
Back to the show. Carlito is on his way to the ring wearing a shirt that features himself drawn like a character from the Boondocks. Carlito gets some chants as he claims some people think he doesn’t have any juevos (He probably shaves his juevos). He says things went so well he decided to have the same guest again and invites Cena out. Cena gets right up in Carli’s face and shoves him into a chair as Carlito holds up his hands. Cena welcomes us to Carlito’s Cabana. He says tonight Carlito has allowed him to host Cena’s Cabana. Huey Lewis and the News will be here (SAVE US NOW). He then introduces himself as the guest and starts to ask himself questions.
He says he says he’s pissed off because some punk spit apple in his face and he thinks it’s time to do something about it. Cena has to calm uh…Cena down…uh…yeah…He rolls the clip. Cena points out the other metro sexual guy there (he shops at S&K) and he has a message for Orton. It’s The Champ is Here. Cena says that lie is catchy, cliché and may catch on. He has us give it up (all the kids already gave up all of their money) for Cena. He then gives us the Cabana’s top three reason why he should trash the cabana and beat the crap out of Carlito. Reason 3 is the coconuts are the only nuts he’ll ever have. Reason 2 is because in real life he would rather swallow a banana than eat and apple (LAME) and Reason one is because that is cool. Cena beats the shit out of Carlito and Orton runs in. Orton gets shoved out of the RKO and runs away as Cena plants Carlito with an FU.
Regal comes out to say his first official act is to give Cena a fight and he won’t be picking his opponents. Cena will face who Orton and Carlito pick for him to fight.
Random Commercial Thought: Oddly enough I just saw a commercial for Regal Car Dealership. I didn’t know Regal was moonlighting already from his new job.
Back to the show. Orton and Carlito say they aren’t going to face John Cena (and in his explanation he almost calls it the WWF Championship) they will have Umaga face him, because he hasn’t lost to Cena enough times. Regal is asked by Vince about how Shane would have nothing to do with his death. He says Steph had also been to thee attorneys trying to figure out what slice of the pie she would get. He says he needs a way to get his family back (well at this age it might be pretty hard to get them to stay still long enough for the pillow). He says nothing can stop them from getting back together now, but I think Shelton might have some advice for what saying that might cause.
Elsewhere Jerry Lawler is in the ring, getting a lot of face heat while Booker soon follows out to get us underway.
Jerry Lawler vs. King Booker w/ Sharmell (Loser crowns the other)
Both men dance around and seem to be delaying the tie up until booker forces Jerry to the corner. He hit’s a sharp cheap shot and forces Jerry to another corner. Lawler fights out with rights and knocks booker flat to send him rolling to the floor. Booker comes back in and blows are exchanged. Jerry ducks the Harlem side kick and sends Booker to the corner. Booker fights out with chops and levels Lawler for two. Jerry blocks a right and starts laying in with rights, knocking King Booker down. Booker rolls to the apron and drags himself up. Booker gets the hook kick in once he gets back in and picks up a two count. Booker goes for an overhand wristlock and Lawler fights out with rights. Booker ducks a dropkick and starts stomping Lawler in the head (which of course would utterly kill him on contact if her were Randy Orton). Booker continues to kick him in the face and picks up a two count.
Booker goes for our first chinlock of the night surprisingly. Lawler dodges a scissors kick and Booker is sent to the floor. Jerry pushes him back in but Sharmell distracts him long enough that when he gets into the ring. Booker nails the Scissors Kick for the win.
Elsewhere in the back, Kennedy is on his way to the ring to talk about incapacitating Bobby Lashley and saving all of humanity from squeaky high pitched voices.
Random Commercial Thought: Honestly, do we need to remake every good movie until they suck?
Back to the show where they replay what happened to Lashley. JR gives us a breakdown on his torn rotator cuff (which is not part of a shirt) as Kennedy comes out. He says the thing Bobby Lashley will be hearing from now on is KENNEDY….kennedy….kenneeeeedyyyyy….KENNEDY. WE GET IT. This goes on for a while I begin to wonder if he’s stuck in a loop and IT GOES TO COMMERCIAL. It’s pretty sad when Quiznos has to do the run in to shut someone up.
Random Commercial Thought: Badgers give facials.
Back to the show. In the back, Carlito and Orton are trying to get Umaga pumped. After this, it’s the WWE Dating Game! Regal is our large haired host tonight. He introduces our bachelors. Swanky Jim duggan is hear and the board has a tie. He says he has his suit, he has his tie and a massive piece of wood. Ron Simmons is next as liking Drinking and having a limited vocabulary. All he has to say is Damn and regal says he didn’t see that one coming. Bachelor number three is Morella and he was brutalized by “You-manga” last week in the same way he brutalizes the English language. He just says he’s in lots of pain. Maria is out Bachelorette. This is some kind of the bad gimmick parade. Duggan says he wouldn’t call her Ho. She asks Ron what he would make her for breakfast in bed. He says….”Spam.” HAHAHAHA. She then asks Morella and he cuts her off saying who he is but he says it’s the worst impression she has ever heard. She then asks Simmons what war he would stop….Nam. Oh God. Morella starts a fight by down talking the other guys and Duggan calls him out with a USA chant.
Regal finally tells them to shut up and asks her to pick who she wants. Ron wins the audience vote by a longshot. She says she is a sucker for the strong silent stop and Simmons wins. Regal is going to reveal the prize and Morella tells her she can’t go out with a creep and she’s already his woman. She says it is just for fun and Ron tells him to Scram. He says he can’t talk to him like that they are going to leave arm in arm, and his arm seems to be doing pretty good in that sling. Umaga’s music hits and Morella makes a run for it toward the nearest warp pipe that leads away from Umaga. Umaga destroys the set as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: She smokes way too much, her fucking dog is talking to her.
Back to the show. Coach is sitting in the back when a layer arrives with a summons for Vince McMahon and takes Coach’s signature, leaving a copy for Vince. Cena is out to the ring after this to get our Main Event underway.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Intercontinental Champion Umaga (Non-title Match)
Cena dodges a charge in the corner, but Umaga starts to run him over with shoulder blocks every time Cena comes off the ropes at him. Cena Sucks chats begins but they are drowned out by the girls when he rallies and starts to wail on Umaga. Umaga hit’s a huge kicks to send Cena crashing to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: InfernoRage1 (9:55:32 PM): I though Jet Li was done with movies then I read the box for Unleashed more closely and it turned out he's just done with Martial Arts epics, which just means he'll stick to beating up white guys with martial arts.
Back to the show. Cena is in a nerve hold. He manages to counter up into an FU, but Umaga is too heavy and collapses onto him. Umaga slaps Cena around and Cena catches him on the top rope, going up top only to jump off and get caught into a sidewalk slam. Umaga climbs up top and bombs the flying head butt. Cena uses the distraction to put Umaga in the STFU but Orton and Carlito hit the ring. Cena tries to fight them off but gets beaten into a corner.
Orton chokes Cena out (OH MY GOD CONTROVERSIAL) and they tells Umaga to prepare for a monumental Ass Crash….but Umaga super kicks them both. Umaga sends Orton to the floor and Umaga Ass Crashes Carlito, but Carlito rolls to the floor so Umaga puts on the breaks. Regal’s music hits. Regal says their decision to use “Umanga” came back to bite them. He says this will be a tag match next week. Vince is in the back, walking by all the jobbers again and even points out that London can keep the smile this time. He wonders by the same two jackasses as before and even turns around to look at them. Suddenly, Spiderman swoops down and saves Vince from an impending car bomb. “Everybody gets one.” Well, okay maybe that didn’t happen. Vince gets in his limo and pauses in closing the door before Coach arrives and tells him not to get in. He says he really thinks Vince should read it. Coach says the state of Connecticut is suing him for a a paternity suit of an illegitimate child. FUCK ANOTHER ONE! It’s like the plot for It Lives all over again. Well I guess, Vince got hit by another bomb at his car (ZING).
Highlight of the Night: The WWE Dating Game. The funniest bit done in months. Kudos to Regal.
Lowlight of the Night: The battle royal, while I already knew the winner, should not have ended in the same way as all of the other ones have.
Eugene Award: Vinnie Jr! Fuck it.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (08/13/07) By Cameron Burge
So tonight is supposed to be the return of Steve Austin…er I mean Triple H. And I can only say that the comparison makes sense. Especially since Triple H already had the “Moving in slow motion” bit down perfectly. Now if he could just add that nifty sound effect to it, I’d mark out. In other news Crush died and someone, somewhere said, “Who?” He’ll be joining the prestigious ranks of wrestlers who died without killing everyone within a twenty foot radius of them. Though some sources say mysterious clown-like figures may have had something to do with it, I’ve uncovered more evidence that shows BRET RATNER was on the scene at the time of the death. Not to mention the mysterious note by the body: “Crush Hour 3”.
The show opens with the same damn recap they did on ECW of Vince Striking back after Congress blew up his Death Star. The news of the McMahon family creates a fisheye lends effect like he’s in Trainspotting. Theme and pyro. King and JR talk about the crown he has to put on Booker before we see people from all three shows are around the ring, and hey look it’s Stevie Richards! Back on RAW! WHOOOO! Anyway Vince arrives to talk about the surprising news. He says he has an illegitimate child. Also known in some circles as a Little Bastard (cue the Cruiserweight Champion). He goes on about how he doesn’t even remember the woman’s name and she is withholding the name of his child from him and this is extortion. He takes solace in the fact that everyone around the ring is supportive of him. He says this could happen to every red blooded American male and he’s supported us for all these years so we need to support him (not until you go to the home, gramps). He says nothing bothers him when Steph appear. AH GOD. She’s got those African Midwife Titties going on.
She says he would have told him this in private but he put them through hell by faking his death. He goes on about saying it’s all about the “Moneh”, “deh moneh”. She then says it’s all his fault and she has no more feeling of guilt for what she’s about to say. She makes the SHOCKING reveal that his son or daughter is around the ring right now. Well. At least it isn’t Crush. Vince studies everyone’s faces and turns away with a smirk from Flair and London. He then comes face to dace with Mr. Kennedy on his way out then Mark Henry. Henry’s Stank overwhelms him and drops Vince on the spot as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Holy crap a cowboy movie. It’s 1962 again already?
Back to the show. We have to see Lashley in the hospital. Why couldn’t we get a Triple H-esque dramatic cinema sequence that I don’t have to hear his little girly voice in? Kennedy goes for heel heat when he arrives by calling Lashley the big hero, but everyone cheers him for it. His introduction is interrupted by the Sandman.
Sandman vs. Mr. Kennedy
They tie up with Kennedy forcing Sandman to the corner while King talks about Sandman’s broken bones, no doubt suffered while combating Spiderman over the streets of Manhattan. Kennedy hammerlock and forces Sandman to the corner. Sandman refuses a tie up multiple names and starts wailing on Kennedy, forcing him to the ropes. Sandman bends over like he’s waiting for a scissors kick before getting a kick in the face. Russian Leg Sweep lays Kennedy out, but when Sandman goes up top, Kennedy takes him down. Kennedy hits a running foot in the corner (The Pepsi Two?) then a Samoan Drop for three.
He says his name on the microphone after the match. Coach is talking to Vince and says he has to start with Vince’s age. He asks when he became sexually active. Coach keeps rolling the age back to even thirteen years old. Vince says he was almost a teenager and Coach asks how that’s even possible (ANYTHING is possible in the WWE). Coach declares it could be anyone then when…WHOO. Flair appears behind him with a grin. Flair just keeps Whooing. Vince stares at the ceiling for a while before we get an Orton video package and head to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Oh god the bitch in this Gordman’s commercial I can see her hipbones on her ABS. AAAHG.
Back to the show where they recap Regal as GM. Regal is dressed as Simon Cowel and says tonight will be WWE Idol which I already wrote that article a full year ago. Cole and JBL are trying to do an 80’s bit. Regal calls it ghastly and tells Maria and Ron their date will be soon. Morella says he’ll sing a romantic song to win her back. The WWE needs to not rip off my schtick the BASTARDS. JBL asks Ron for his favorites 80’s band. WHAM. What’s next? Favorite cartoon? KABLAM.
Elsewhere, Cryme Tyme is in the ring. They go for the cheap pop for Brooklyn. They take Lillian’s chair and sign it before auctioning it off. For some reason, JTG is wearing what looks like a SWAT Vest stolen from HBK’s closet. They sell it off for a thousand dollars when Cade and Murdoch arrive as we head back off to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Halloween- Because it hasn’t been done to death yet.
Back to the show where the match is already underway.
WWE Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch vs. Cryme Tyme (Non-title Match)
Cade is working Shad over in the corner while Trevor says that Cryme Tyme sucks. Murdoch tags in and Shad tries to power his way back out. Murdoch hit’s a Russion Leg Sweep for two and tags in Cade who works him over. Cade doesn’t stay in long before Murdoch tags back in and drops a forearm. Headlock ensues (take a shot). Shad escapes by ramming Murdoch into the turnbuckle. Shad makes the tag and JTG fires up before coming off the top rope with a flying leg clothesline for two. Everyone gets in the ring. Cade and Murdoch double team JTG behind the ref so Shad gets pissed and grabs the Thousand Dollar Chair to nail them with it.
Winners: Cade and Murdoch
They do another Orton video package to make him look like a monster while crushing RVD as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: If you want a partner call Cox…..or cocks. Depend son what you’re into.
Back to the show where we have another Triple H package. (You know what? I’m sick of seeing people’s “packages” tonight. Fucking perverts.) They then pimp the coronation ceremony. King says he’d rather pass a kidney stone (for a lot of yardage I hope). Snitsky is here. No one really cares, but he’s going to crush the other Highlander.
Robbie gets clotheslined and the Coat Hanger (or as Gersh calls it, the Pump hanger Slam) finishes it for the three. I heard one guy in the crowd counting the pin with him. He hit’s the Hanger Banger on Rory followed by the Coat Hanger again. Coach is in the back, talking to Vince and saying that he could do a genetic test but that would make sense so they need it to be more convoluted. He decides to get a list of Vince’s indiscretions. Cody Rhodes is there. He assures he knows his father is and has something for him that he needs more than Cody. A condom. Hefty Hefty Hefty. Wimpy Wimpy Wimpy. As Vince threatens to sue the Magnum Division of Trojan, Boogie Man appears with his new gay face makeup to sing Cats in the Cradle. Coach says they have the same eyes (what? Horrifically dilated?) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: What the hell are these things even for? I don’t even understand this fucking commercial.
Back to the show, Tard introduces WWE Idol. Regal says he didn’t know anyone could get more womanly than Seacrest and if he says Grishom Out tonight he’s fired. The second Judge is Maria but judge three….is Mick fucking Foley. He says he realized two things, first, he wants a cheap pop, and second, he will do anything for money (Ah, but what would you do for a Klondike Bar?). Jillian Hall is the first with a Broadway Classic and her own lyrics. It’s Cats! Only you know…with less pussy.
Mick says he is glad to have his ear ripped off and Maria just compliments her looks. Regal doesn’t even respond but for the You Sucked Chants. He says the main event should be changed to Roe vs. Wade for that was an abortion. Our next contestants are….Nikolai Volkoff and Iron Sheik with Howard Finkel. Oh God. Finkel requests everyone rise for the Soviet National Anthem because somebody forgot to tell him it collapsed. Mick is glad he wasn’t affected by the USA chants and Maria says she liked it but couldn’t understand him.
Regal says it is a shame he didn’t lose his voice like Sheik lost the title here. Regal has security cart a madly ranting Sheik out of the ring. I have no idea what he said. Lillian Garcia is the last contestant. She gets a cheap pop of singing some lame song. New York, New something or other. Morella breaks in and disappoints me by not singing the Mario Rap (We’re the Mario Brothers and plumbing’s our game, we’re not like the others who get all the fame). Morella sings That’s Amore. Foley says that was more painful than watching him wrestle and Morella and Maria argue when Ron Simmons arrives. Morella accuses him of rhyming like sesame street only with less AIDS. Ron just slams him into a sign and wins by default before grabbing the microphone for his paycheck. Commercials please.
Random Commercial Thought: HD because you NEED to see that mole on the right side of their earlobe clearly.
Back to the show. Another montage of Orton kicking people in the head. WE GET IT. Elsewhere, Cody Rhodes is here to wrestle against Haas. Shelton is in the corner acting like Doc from Punch Out for Haas (Join the WWE Fun Club Today)
Cody Rhodes vs. Charlie Haas w/ Shelton Benjamin
Haas starts off early but, Cody gets a hiplock takeover. Cody rolls Haas up for two and goes to a side headlock (take a shot). Haas holds the ropes when Cody tries to take him down, causing Cody to hurt himself. Haas gets a two count and goes for a chin lock (take a shot). Cody escapes, but Haas suplexes him for two. Another chin lock (drunk yet?) and Cody eats turnbuckle. Cody head butts because that obviously Haas rolls through the cross body for two. Cody then catches an angry Haas with his finisher, the dreaded Inside Cradle.
And everyone prepares for the return of Triple H, I mean um, the coronation ceremony, as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Witness the fiftieth version of the origin of Excalibur.
Back to the show where they replay Booker winning the right to be crowned. In the ring Booker is standing in front of the crown holding table which oddly enough seems to have the biggest sparkler ever sitting behind it. Sharmell welcomes us to the crowning ceremony for the true king of the WWE (King Mabel? King Kong Bundy?). He says in the history of Kings there had never been one so majestic and revered as him. He then basically recaps what we just saw in the recap. Hunter get your bloated ass out here. He demands Lawler place the crown on his “dome” now. King seems to be having second thoughts so Booker asks him what his problem is. Booker responds with a little street smack. King grabs a microphone and says Booker is not the only King and he won’t put the crown on his head because before he came to the ring he was handed a note from Regal that said Booker is gonna have a match at Summerslam against this man. And they run the Triple H video package. Again. The crowd GETS PISSED. King stomps the crown to pieces and Booker lays into him.
Booker slams Jerry into the ring post and pulls a television monitor out to bash him in the back of the head. “Asshole” chants begin. He declares himself the King of the World and Leonardo Dicaprio shows up to add himself to the match too as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Does Steve-O deserve another show? Did he even graduate from High School?
Back to the show. They replay Lawler being beat down. Tard is our replacement for King. I’m pretty sure a few crowd members are killing themselves now for paying for tickers. They run down the card and Tard says not many men can make Batista look small (Except of course for people with properly proportioned genitals). After the card they run yet another Legend Killer promo and this one is actually in color before Orton himself head out for the main event.
Orton cuts a promo on Cena saying whether we like it or not, he will be our savior from the Superman Reign (At least he isn’t shorter than expected like Jesus).
Random Commercial Thought: Saturday Night’s Main Event. An event so special, it’s not even listed on WWE.com
Back to the show where someone decided to serenade the crowd during the break with Orton’s theme. Carlito is out next, followed by Umaga. Umaga stares down both Orton and Carlito before Cena’s music hits.
WWE Champion John Cena & Intercontinental Champion Umaga vs. Randy Orton & Carlito Caribbean Cool
Umaga over powers Orton early on and forces him to the corner, but Orton lures him to the corner to make Umaga dive in and hurt himself. Carlito tags in and a double team ensues until Umaga double clotheslines them. Cena comes in and they clear the ring before staring at each other as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Why the hell is the Starter Wife even up for an award at all? What is that show even ABOUT?
Back to the show where Orton is in control of Carlito. He goes into Standard offense on Carlito with the proteome and the five Knuckle Shuffle. Orton grabs Carlito when Cena scoops him into the FU so Cena drops him and attacks Orton but Carlito hits him from behind to send him to the floor. Carlito distracts the ref and Orton gets in some offense before tossing Cena in for two. Orton tags in and starts some stomps before whipping Cena into a dropkick with AMAZING VERTICLE BASE for two. Carlito tags back in. Carlito reverses a suplex attempt by Cena for two. Carlito tries a chin lock (take a shot). Cena counters out with a suplex and crawls for the corner, but Orton tags in and level him with a clothesline for two. Orton does a pin that looks more like a rape.
Orton goes into the stalking stomps. He dries the knee drop but misses entirely on that one. Carlito tags in and Cena starts trading blows. Cena fights out but Carlito counters a back body drop attempt for two. Orton tags in and uses his dreaded head lock (You should probably have alcohol poisoning now). Dueling chants of Let’s go Cena and Cena Sucks chants. Cena dodges a charge in the corner and bulldogs Orton. Carlito tags in and drags Cena from the corner. Carlito starts pummeling but Cena back body drops Carlito crawls to the corner and makes the tag. Orton hits him on the apron and then walks away like that did something.
Umaga starts crushing them both and gets a one count on Carlito. Orton falls to the corner from a Superkick and eats the Ass Crash. Carlito tries an Apple Jack on Umaga and just falls off him pointlessly so Cena scoops Carlito into the FU for the win.
Winners: Umaga & Cena
The ref timidly gives Umaga his title and raises their hands. In the back Vince says he’s glad this night is over and Coach asks if that is everything or not. He says it’s every single one of them….for the seventies. I just imagine Vince hanging with Steve Martin now. “We’re two wild and crazy guys!” Vince tells a story and about women and turns to find Linda behind him. She then proceeds to violate her prime directive and slaughter the roster. Or she tells him he doesn’t have a home now. Either/or. That’s the end of your FANTASTIC show.
Highlight of the Night: Once again Regal takes the case of wrestling with another funny bit, though not as good as last week’s.
Lowlight of the Night: Sandman gets unfortunately squashed, furthering burying him into the dirt.
Eugene Award: The crowd gets fucked over by Hunter appearing in the same video they’ve shown over and over already.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (08/20/07) By Cameron Burge
Show opens with Randy Orton in the ring and our announcers tonight are JR and Tazz of all people. Randy stalks around in the ring for a while before Lillian finally bother to introduce him like you don’t know. They show the single FATTEST geek in the audience at ringside. He says this is the last time we will see him standing in the ring without the belt around his waist so I’m assuming he just plans to leave it on in his matches too in that case. They show Randy RKOing Cena through the table"2 Days Ago" instead of "A freaking week ago". He says that footage will replace Andre being body slammed and the Montreal Screwjob and be played when he’s inducted into the (Chinlock) Hall of Fame. A small Cena chant rises while Orton says he would understand if Cena couldn’t make it to Summerslam and rumor has it he isn’t even here tonight. Orton gives John the chance to come out and forfeit the title to him now to avoid embarrassment (embarrassment at losing his title to the only person with even less of a move set than his own?). Instead, Vince swaggers out drunkenly. Vince says he found out his offspring is male today and someone on the roster is his son. He says he hopes his son is like Orton because if he didn’t know Orton’s dad so well he’d be proud to call him his son.
Vince rambles on about his son for a while and I actually completely stopped paying attention for a while but he said something about his offspring not being that great. Cena comes out and Orton hides in the crowd while Cena talks down Vince and says he’s glad to not be his child. He has a message to say he will be at Summerslam and retain the title since his new plan is to superglue the belt to his hand. Vince says if Cena doesn’t show up he will be stripped of the title and speaking of stripping that might bring him to his mother (YO MOMMA). He says he spent a lot of time in New England and in all likely hood he could have rammed his momma like bulldozer. Cena bitch slaps Vince right to the floor who is consoled by Orton on his way out. Vince grabs a mic and puts Cena one on one with the undefeated Snitsky (because those other losses WEREN’T HIS FAULT). JR pimps the Diva Tag Match and claims they will do it all so I’m getting my Kama Sutra out and if he’s lying I’ll know, the fat BBQ swilling bastard.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m pretty sure my head just exploded.
Back to the show where the Diva’s come out (of the closet) and Candice Michelle has decided to tear a page from Victoria’s book and dance around to techno music and the crowd couldn’t care less. Regal comes out to declare there will be an All Brand Diva battle royal at Summerslam for the #1 Contendership for Candice Michelle’s belt.
Beth Phoenix & Melina vs. Mickie James & Women’s Champion Candice Michelle
Beth starts off strong, taking a forearm from Mickie and hitting a slingshot suplex for two. Mickie escapes from Beth and both make the tag with Candice dropkicking Melina. A weak clothesline has Candice trying to fire up the crowd and I’m pretty sure some kind fell over snoring when she did. She picks up two and hit’s a northern light for another two. Candice screams for the crowd again and gets a light cheer. Beth tries to hit her in the back of the head but Candice dodges and rolls Melina up for three. Winners: Candice & Mickie
After the match, Mickie tosses Candice to prove she can do it I guess so Melina tosses Mickie and Beth throws Melina over the top rope after tricking her into a handshake. The crowd dies a little more inside and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Ping Pong is a real man’s sport.
Back to the show. They rerun WWE Idol’s results. Regal is on the phone telling someone the Diva Battle Royal is genius. Morella shows up to complain about him sending Maria on a date with Ron Simmons. He says it’s hard to listen to Regal’s ridiculous accent that makes him sound like a limp-wrested hair dresser. Booker is in the back with his crown on a pillow to talk to Hunter who he claims he knows is here tonight. He says there is no reason they cannot meet in the ring tonight and Sharmell says he is hereby invited to the official crowning of the one true king. Elsewhere, Coach is looking up Vince’s nose for a boogie (he must own a Wii). Vince thanks God it isn’t a daughter and a son is more important. And Coach says Triple G is gonna be here tonight and he got to thinking….they say there’s no chance.
They walk by Val who says “Hello Daddy.” Coach says it would explain a lot if it were Val. They then just walk on like they didn’t know how to continue this segment. You know what? I have no idea why this has to go on. Vince complains about how stuff wouldn’t have happened to him if it weren’t for Shane. Daivari then claims to be Vince’s son and puts a rag on his head. Vince proceeds to then blow up his OWN car. He says his son has to be someone much like him and have intelligence. He walks right by Kennedy when he says this. He says they also have to be handsome and have great wealth just as we go to commercial he’s still fucking TALKING.
Random Commercial Thought: What happened to all those CLASSIC Bowflex commercials? Did someone kill themselves with one or something? Oh….wait….
Back to the show where they recap Vince getting slapped. As if we haven’t had enough useless filler tonight, Cody is out to wrestler the other half of TWGTT. Cody always looks like he’s ready to do battle with The Green Lantern with all that yellow he’s wearing.
Cody Rhodes vs. Shelton Benjamin w/ Charlie Haas
Shelton starts off with an arm drag and monkey flips Rhodes over into a lou thesz press and punches. Shelton goes to a chin lock (take a shot). The crowd just seems to uninterested in the show tonight. Shelton clubs Cody in the back a few times. He bounces Cody off the ropes into a forearm shot to the back. Cody elbows Shelton in the face and kicks him low before punching on Shelton in the corner. Cody starts clotheslines and dropkicks. He counters a back body by Shelton and into the Bulldog for two. Rhodes punch combo is countered by Benjamin into an odd back breaker. JR of course calls this an inverted back breaker which is what he also call’s Orton’s move. I’ve come to the conclusion that anything that doesn’t look like the original version of itself is inverted to JR. Somebody needs to get that guy a dictionary so he can look up the definition of the damn word. Shelton tries a Boston Crab but Cody digs deep into his playbook to come up with his finisher, the rollup. Winner: Cody
Haas runs in and stomps Cody down, holding him back while Shelton lays into him. Haas hangs Cody up on the top rope and places his legs on his shoulder while Shelton leaps over him into an axe handle smash. They taunt him as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Tennis would be much more entertaining if it had Stephen Colbert as the commentator.
Back to the show. They thank Elephant Man for providing the Dance Hall theme for Summerslam. Cade and Murdoch are out to actually wrestle. These two have been on the power 25 since winning their belts despite not having actually wrestled at all until last week. They replay Cryme Tyme selling off a seat and using it on Cade and Murdoch. Londrick are their opponents tonight though. Where the fuck did those guys get their pants? The Cast of the Live Action Aladdin?
WWE Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch vs. Londrick (Non Title Match)
Cade starts off and pushes Kendrick to the corner, but he backs off clean. Cade hammerlocks and goes to a headlock (take a shot). Kendrick tosses him off and leaps over Cade, hitting a dropkick. Kendrick runs right into a shoulder block, but counters back with arm drags into an arm bar. London tags in but there’s no site of France or Underpants while he pins Cade for one. Cade powers him off and Murdoch tags in only to be arm dragged. London leaps over Murdoch in the corner and gets tossed to the apron but he rams Murdoch in the midsection. Cross body gets one for London. Murdoch runs London over and tags Cade back in. Cade smashes London in the back. He runs into an elbow from London in the corner and London ducks clothesline, spring boarding off the turnbuckle into a cross body. Kendrick and Murdoch come in and Londrick takes Cade to the floor before double dropkicking Murdoch down to join him. Londrick slingshot over the ropes into cross body drops.
Cryme Tyme run down and take Murdoch’s hat, auctioning it off for lower and lower. Back in the ring, (because nobody wants to see WRESTLING. They want to see more skits, damnit!) Cade clotheslines London and Kendrick tags in while he’s distracted. Kendrick gets a crucifix rollup for three.
Cryme Tyme sell the hat for two dollars and sing the Money Money Yeah Yeah Song. I really think that song could use some more freaking lyrics. It’s more like an episode of Dora the Explorer the way it is now.
Random Commercial Thought: I always feel like the commercials for ECW are like some kind of action drama show.
Back to the show where we see Ron Simmons on his date with Maria. He orders a lot of rhyming stuff like Lamb and Jam. His vegetable is Yam. Morella shows up to interrupt with “Lillian” as his date. Jillian has to correct him on her name to which he adds “Whatever”. Damn I wish I could do that. Ron looks annoyed as we go to ringside.
Sharmell introduces Booker as the man who will defeat Triple H this Sunday (AHAHAHAHA….is she serious?). He recaps why he beat the hell out of “Jerome”. He says if King were here tonight he’d look him in the eye and ask if this replay looks like the actions of a scared individual where we see Jerry get his ass beat. I bet that makes him long for that grueling Andy Koffman feud. He demands Hunter to come out and place the crown on his head. Of course, some horrible parody of Hunter comes out and chokes on his water. I enjoy the nose that looks like it was clipped from one of the characters in Astro Boy. I enjoy the Conan the Barbarian loincloth. This guy is pretty skinny. Maybe he’s like, Double H? A step down? Double H places the crown on Booker’s head and bows. King Booker says he will make him bow at Summerslam and sends Hunter-bot away. He then moves on to our announce table to JR and “Tazzwell” HA! He sends Tazz off who congenially leaves like a fucking pussy. Booker complains about JR’s announcing, but I got news for him. We’ve been doing that for years and he’s still here despite the effort. He forces JR to kiss his ring when he refuses to. I’m pretty sure at this point most of the crowd must have gone into cardiac arrest because it’s dead silent.
Random Commercial Thought: Halloween…coming out in August.
Back to the show where JR says it is game on for Booker at Summerslam. Elsewhere, Jillian is singing that song to people that can cause Aliens to run away in fear. Morella says there isn’t any karaoke, she just brings the microphone with her everywhere. The waiter has Morella sign a magazine and reads a comment off of a note about how obvious he and Maria should go together before Ron Simmons calls him a sham.
Back to ringside for Carlito’s Cabana and his guest Umaga. Carlito tries to get Umaga to sit to which he replies “We don’t have chairs in Samoa.” Well okay, maybe he didn’t. Carlito demands an IC title match since he doesn’t have a match yet, but Kennedy’s music interrupts us. Kennedy asks Carlito if he knows who is talking to, a two time IC champ who bulldozed through everyone on Raw, except him and he’s beaten Lashley which Umaga didn’t do. He not only beat him, he destroyed him. He’s intent on telling us he took Bobby Out (I hope he at least picked up the bill too). Kennedy says if anyone deserves a shot it’s himself. When he goes to do the echo on his name, Umaga super kicks him and destroys the set. It looks like he’s having a fucking epileptic seizure. Regal sneaks by Umaga on the ramp and declares a match between Carlito and Kennedy to decide who gets a title shot as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I wish I had a rocket bike.
Back to the show.
Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Ken Kennedy
(Intercontinental #1 Contender’s Match)
Carlito is on the offensive right now, Carlito pouncing him (not Marcus Cor Von style) and laying in with punches. This match just looks sloppy like they are tripping around as Kennedy tries to do the same to Carlito. Carlito escapes to the floor and Kennedy chases him out. Kennedy grabs Carlito and trips him up when he gets back into the ring. Kennedy hangs Carlito up on the top rope and Kennedy takes control for a short period of time. Carlito lays in with chops in the corner and eventually catches a reverse elbow on Kennedy for two. Carlito goes into a chinlock (take a shot). Kennedy works to his feet and hit’s a back body drop on Carlito. Carlito hit’s a reverse elbow out of the corner and tries to pin but the ref wont count because the shoulders aren’t down. Carlito beats Kennedy down on the apron and tries to suplex him in, but Kennedy starts trying to reverse it until Carlito finally suplexes him into the ring for two.
Carlito almost gets himself pinned and rolls around on the ground like they both forgot what they were doing. Kennedy hit’s a reverse elbow which this has to be the most reverse elbows I’ve ever seen lead to this many near falls as Kennedy gets a two count. Kennedy dodges a springboard elbow from Carlito and sends Carlito into the ring post shoulder first. Carlito eats steps as well and Kennedy rolls into the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Arby’s is apparently a danger to society.
Back to the match. Kennedy is working the arm. Carlito sling him off, but Kennedy is back up to run him over. Of course, how he got a car in the arena that fast is anyone’s guess. Kennedy whips Carlito hard into the corner and pushes off the rope to lay his boot into Carlito’s shoulder. Carlito chops out at Kennedy and gets whipped back to the corner for his trouble. Kennedy stomps the shoulder in the corner and chokes him out first with his hands then with his boot. Kennedy tries to come off the rope at Carlito and eats a clothesline for two. Carlito tosses Kennedy shoulder first into the steel post. He picks him up and slams him back into it again before rolling Kennedy back into the ring. Carlito dropkicks for two. While I’m watching this I gotta wonder if he’s Mr. Ken Kennedy….Kennedy. Does that make him Mr. KKK? Carlito gets another two count and misses Kennedy in the corner.
Carlito tires to go up top but Kennedy drops him onto the top sternum first. Kennedy scoops Carlito onto his shoulders and Carlito fights out, going for a suplex now but Kennedy rolls him up for a pin, but the way the rollup is done, both men had their shoulders down. Winner: Draw
The crowd shits all over this. Regal rushes out to say he has a solution to make it a triple Threat match at Summerslam. He’s still Umanga to him. Is that some kind of Japanese comic book?
Random Commercial Thought: you know, some animator probably got paid big bucks to animate these Esurance commercials.
Back to the show. We are back to Simmons’ date where Morella says he will beat Ron like a Christmas HAM (who the fuck eats ham on Christmas? Not the JEWS! HA!) if he ever touches him again. Ron says the water’s name is Sam and the waiter trips and spills everything on Santino. Ron finally scores his full paycheck with one more line as our announcers run down the Summerslam card. Tazz slips up and calls Morrison Johnny before correcting to John Morrison. Vince is in the back talking to Melina about how she can’t be his daughter now. He tries to pick her up and lets he know where his room is before he turns to find Snitsky behind him. Snitsky says he never knew his parents but that’s probably because he can’t remember what he did yesterday either. He says he’s going to cause Cena the type of pain father’s try to protect their children from and calls Vince Dad as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Blades of Glory. I’m not even sure what to say about this movie beyond it’s a pile of steaming shit.
Back to the show where they recap Vince getting slapped and Snitsky is on his way. Cena heads out and this is the most alive the crowd has been all night, but the funny thing here is that they still are barely even audible. I’m quite sure that the crowd is either bored or have all been simultaneously stricken mute.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Gene Snitsky (Non-Ttle Match)
Cena and Snitsky tie up and Snitsky overpowers him early on, but misses entirely on a ramming splash in the corner. Cena tackles him down into a one count and runs right into a kick to the face that crushes him down. Snitsky drags Cena up into sharp strikes but Cena fights back and gets whipped right into a clothesline. Cena rolls to the floor. JR says Snitsky’s face tells the story. An acne ridden, hairless story. Snitsky goes outside to slam Cena into the apron and rolls him back in. Snitsky covers Cena for a one count, following up with a scoop slam. Snitsky is moving like that old robot from Lost in Space, only with less arm flailing…and even slower. Cena tries to fight back up and Snitsky just throws him right off. Snitsky puts Cena in a double underhook. The crowd rallies for Cena and he pushes free only to be clotheslined again. Which is odd, I always thought Snitsky would stick strictly to hangers instead of lines. Snitsky misses the Hanger Banger and hangs his leg up on the top turnbuckle. Cena chop blocks the other leg and hit’s the leg drop off the top. Cena scoops Snitsky up into the FU and Orton comes in to RKO him when he turns around.
Randy drags Cena back up into another RKO. Fun fact: There’s a local band here named RKO. Orton goes to ringside and grabs the belt to stare at it for a while. Maybe he’s trying to come up with a design to put in the middle. I would suggest a hypnotist’s wheel in order to try and convince the crowd that he’s entertaining. That’s all she wrote.
Highlight of the Night: Well….there was a clip from the crappy new Halloween movie after the show. Now with more black people!
Lowlight of the Night: A series of not very funny Ron Simmons/Morella sketches.
Eugene Award: With so many choices, it’s hard to pick one, but I’ll give it to the choice of having Kennedy and Carlito pin themselves. Horrible booking, just a cheap excuse to get them both on the PPV.
WWE RAW RANT: (08/27/07) By Cameron Burge
Show opens with a Recap of the Headlock-a-thon (no headlocks were harmed in the making of this montage). Orton is then on his way to the ring. Orton says he spent the entire day in church after witnessing the miracle of John Cena retaining. He obviously hasn’t been paying attention to the last year. I wonder if Michaels was there and Vince Russo was the pastor. He swears he had an epiphany on his knees (probably at the point where Vince jazzed in his eye) and that he had it won and he should be the winner. He says Cena should thank God he survived. Orton demands a rematch, because as we all know that automatically gets you one instead of like…winning a match. Cena comes out to a pretty dull home town pop, his dad is at ringside and he looks like Donald Trump Jr. Cena asks what Orton’s gonna do if he doesn’t give him a rematch. He says the Champ is Here and says Orton is smarter than this and should know it’s someone else’s turn now. Cena calls out Triple H. Cena says it is out of his hands and he doesn’t have the power to make matches but if Regal happens to be listening (wink wink nudge nudge) everyone would like to see that match.
Regal comes out to his little ballerina music and Regal says there will be no Cena match for either Orton or Triple H. He says John will be in action and someone approached him earlier of majestic stature who wants to forget about Summerslam, King Booker (SURPRISE!….not really). Orton comes flying by and Cena channels Y2J by making Orton completely miss the RKO and go flying out of the ring. Orton throws a fit.
Random Commercial Thought: Fantasy Football should allow Elves and Leprechauns to be on the team.
Back to the show. Preview for ECW Main Event tomorrow that is CM Punk, Miz, Boogeyman, and Big Daddy V in a fatal four way for a title shot. Kennedy comes to the ring and misses the microphone before telling us he meant to do that. Kennedy introduces himself before Jeff Hardy appears as his opponent. Well hot diggity dog.
Mr. Kennedy vs. Jeff Hardy
Kennedy and Jeff studied the Cena/Orton match apparently and go into some headlocks before Kennedy forces Jeff to the corner and the ref breaks them up. Kennedy forces Jeff to the corner again and is forced to break. He gets a cheap shot in and Jeff returns the slap and sends Kennedy to the ground so he rolls to the protective ropes and corner for the ref to hold him off. Kennedy comes back with sharp kicks and rights, beating Jeff down into the corner until the ref drags him back off. The crowd is HOT for Hardy right now, completely ravenous. Kennedy tries to leap over Jeff in the corner and gets pulled off by the legs to slap face down to the mat.
Both men tie up and Kennedy lays in with knees to the gut. I gotta wonder, what exactly is with Hardy being called the Rainbow Warrior? Wasn’t that Rainbow Brite or something? Jeff tries to slings Kennedy over the rope but he lands on the apron so Jeff kicks his legs out from under him. Jeff hit’s a baseball slide then slingshots over onto Kennedy as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: If I ever start sweating out COLORED LIQUID either, I am Jesus Christ or you need to get me to a hospital.
Back to the show. Kennedy has Hardy in a body scissor and is elbowing him in the head. Kennedy pushes Hardy over the ropes to land on his head during the break. Kennedy continues to beat Hardy around and picks up a two count. Abdominal Stretch follows. Hardy tries to escape and starting punching Kennedy only to be scooped into a tree of Woe in the corner. My mythology is a little rusty but I don’t recall the Tree of Woe ever involving a turnbuckle. Both men are up top and Hardy elbows Kennedy to the floor, turning it into a top turnbuckle Whisper in the Wind. Jeff rolls Kennedy up into whatever the hell he does that move where he sits on their legs, for two. Slingshot dropkick to the chest sets up so Jeff climbs up top. Who cut his hair? Jim Carrey from the Number 23? Kennedy gets the knees up on the Swanton which shouldn’t break his kneecaps AT ALL. Kennedy goes for the pin when Umaga suddenly appears and chases Kennedy away. Jeff stumbles up and Umaga stares Kennedy down before Superkicking Jeff in the face.
Umaga mauls Jeff in the corner and hits an Ass Crash. Umaga rubs the title in Jeff’s face because apparently four big faces on the same show is too damn many. Well I hope you all didn’t blink and miss Umaga’s face run. Carlito’s Cabana with Vince McMahon is pimped as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Lesson- Don’t take advice from geckos.
Someone decided to not turn on JR’s microphone (THANK GOD) but it doesn’t last and he slowly fades in during mid-point. They recap Triple H’s return with more PPV footage, which is great for me since I don’t have to recap it. Coach is in the back with Vince and asks what Vince has to say on the Cabana. He runs into Kennedy and they have an exchange about the name Kennedy after Ken wishes him happy birthday (good job making it around the sun again). They both do the swagger and Vince says Kennedy walks funny (AHAHHAHAA) as we go back to commercial while Carlito comes out (only important people get intros, Afro-boy).
Random Commercial Thought: Everyone should fight monsters to old lounge music.
Back to the show. I want to know who the hell is supposed to lay in that hammock while it sits completely on it’s side, Spiderman? Rey better change costumes. Carlito introduces Vince and King says he doesn’t walk funny (he should join the Monty Python academy of Silly Walks). Carlito wishes him a belated birthday. Vinnie says he’s fifty and still growing, even his grapefruits. He must have a good gardener. He says they had to because of this bastard son thing. Like it’s a problem he had during breakfast. Vince says he can’t be intimidated and Carlito says he’s intimidated right now. Vince says it’s time to intimidate the woman who gave birth to his son. Let it be Shelton’s Momma and I’ll love you the rest of your life, Vince. Carlito and Vince say everyone answers to Vince when The Game hits because let’s face it, King of Kings sucks. Trips apparently decided to take a page from Edge’s fashion book.
Some fans in the crowd have a sign saying HHH with the Japanese Katakana for it over it. Vince keeps telling the cheering crowd to shut out and asks why Trips is here. What the hell is in his pocket? Some big piece of paper. Hunter says he understand Vince was out here celebrating his 75th birthday and all he should be worried about is if he’s going senile or needs to change his bed pan. Hunter says to never fear because Triple H is here before flying off through the roof and crashing into a billboard. Hunter says he searched high and low and found all the women who could be it. He found four who could be right and asks the crowd if they want to see these women. Like the good robots (not ROHbots) they are, they agree. The first chick is a fat black bitch. Was it Aretha Franklyn? Or just beer goggles? You decide.
The second bitch is One-Eyed Wendy. Someone needs to learn to aim. (Gershon: unlike snitsky, that WAS his fault)
The third person is…Carlito’s sister. It looks like that supporting girl from Rosan in a Carlito wig. Vince says Carlito was four years old and he thought he was asleep. Triple H says there is nothing to be ashamed of, everyone has been with his sister. She is eating an apple and Triple H says what gives? She’s not spitting. Ooooo low. The Forth….is just a sweet transvestite…..from Transylvania. All of them raise their hand if they had a child that could be his son, but Frank doesn’t raise his, er her hand. And Trips has them raise their hand if they have a penis. Frank doesn’t feel left out anymore. Vince tells them to get off of his stage. Hunter says Vince should be worried about his image especially with the new problems that surfaced today. Vince asks what that is and Hunter says it’s because Vince is working an illegal rooster fighting ring. Hunter says he hates dogs and starts listing animals to which Vince replies he loves them until of course we get to cocks. OH GOD ORIGINALITY FTW!….moving on.
Vince says he wishes he’d never come back and that he hates Hunter before stalking off. Carlito demands that Hunter respect him and says he will takes Hunter and put him on the shelf for another eight months. Triple H accuses him of not only spitting apple but sucking grapefruits (damn that would take a huge mouth). Carlito takes a bite of apple and Hunter gets in his face, Carlito back up and finally lets loose. Trips smiles and levels Carlito, whipping him into a spine buster. He peels his shirt off (because that only increases his power to over 9000) and then doing the DX Suck it and the pedigree. They recap it for us incase we weren’t paying attention and pimp the main event as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Heroes. You know. That heroic Soap Opera.
Back to the show. Replay of the Green Hornet defeating Shelton Benjamin and then getting beat down. That will teach him to be a relative of the Lone Ranger.
Back to the show. Shelton is in the ring with Haas and Daivari…..and BLONDE FUCKING HAIR. Shelton looks like Kel Lewis in Mystery Men. I wonder if he’s invisible without his clothes. Cody is tagging with Londrick.
Cody Rhodes & Londrick vs. Daivari & The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Six Man Tag Match)
Daivari starts off with London and gets in an arm drag but he shows off and so London cheap shots and tags in Kendrick. A Double Team arm drag gets a one count for Kendrick. Haas tags in and belly to belly suplexes, following with a kick for two. Shelton tags in and Kendrick drops to the ground laughing at his hair as Shelton suplexes him for two. Shelton tags in Daivari and Cody tags in, unleashing on Daivari. Daivari hit’s a power slam for two when the World’s Greatest Tag Team interrupts the count. Londrick knock TWGTT to the floor and leap over the ropes on them. Cody goes up top and hit’s a cross body on Daivari for the win. Winners: Cody and Londrick
Random Commercial Thought: If you’re like me, and passionate about films, then you probably need to get an Apple.
Back to the show. Daivari is screaming in Arabic when Cryme Tyme arrive. Shad says nobody understand that Ying Yang (yo) he’s spouting. They then club him from behind while singing the Money Money song and sell off his durka for five dollars. Cade and Murdoch’s theme hits. JTG steals Cade’s hat and Shad then takes it and tosses it into the crowd for free. Vince is in the back complaining to Coach when Orton bursts in and demands a rematch. He keeps asking for him to give it to him (he sounds like fucking Invader Zim) which if he were paying attention to the current storyline, he would know this is a horrible request. Vince says Orton has to prove he really deserves another shot and needs to dig deep. Randy storms out to go film his newest movie, Orton Hears a Who. Elsewhere in the back, Maria is preparing for her match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Second-hand milk kills.
Back to the show. Maria is out to face Beth Phoenix AKA Chunky. Beth attacks Maria on her way to the ring, which we entirely miss because we had to watch King looking at the Divas magazine,, it‘s hilarity I tell you! Beth beats her around and Beth puts Maria back over her shoulder, ramming her into the turnbuckle and hanging her up. Beth goes into a stalling Fisherman’s suplex and walks around before dropping Maria while the ref tells her to fuck off because he never started the mach. He then proceeds to molest her lifeless body.
Random Commercial Thought: Speaking of anime, should Carlito’s be called Afro Boy?
Back to the show where they pimp the ECW Main Event again. Big Daddy V’s window in the picture is twice the bloated girth of the other wrestler’s. Candice is in the back with Tard saying she isn’t intimidated and will take on any challenge. Me and Gershon agree that she looks awful and plastic, like that rubbery mash plastic. Maybe she is trying out for Halloween II? They hear the word Challenge and she looks away then back to the screen because Snitsky missed his FUCKING CUE. She then goes on before he repeats himself and comes in saying she needs to know something about causing pain which is his pleasure. Oooookaaaay?
Vince is in the back with Coach and says he has to wait two weeks to find out who it is. Regal comes in and says he has to tell Vince something and won’t say in front of his assistant at first. Apparently next week his entire family is coming to Raw to confront him and they are bringing their attorneys.
Random Commercial Thought: Medal of Honor. Because we haven’t milked World War 2 enough yet!
Back to the show with a Summerslam video package. King Booker takes his dear sweet time getting to the ring in case you wanted to get some popcorn or something first. King keeps making lewd comments about pinkies or something, pervert. Cena eventually hit’s the ramp and JR calls him Larry Bird and starts trying to compare him to various people but actually can’t even think of anyone. HA!
King Booker w/ Queen Sharmell vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Non-title Match)
Booker gets Cena to the ropes and lays in with hard knees. What is with those freaking red sneakers on Cena? Those things are garish. Cena fights back with rights, slamming Booker to the corner and coming off the ropes with a bulldog for two. Booker lands a kick and starts chopping on Cena, clubbing him in the back. A side chop misses and Cena counters it into a fisherman’s suplex for two. Cena falls flat on his ass after a right to the jaw. Cena ducks the spin kick and puts Booker into the STFU. His father at ringside reminds me of that clapping and laughing fat guy from Family Guy. Booker makes the ropes as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Auto Insurance is taking over the world! OMGWTFBBQ!
Back to the show. Booker is picking up a slow ass two count after a hook kick. Cena starts trying to battle back but he misses the corner charge. Wheel kick smashes Cena for two again. Booker locks on some weird ass arm hold that just looks stupid but Cena breaks loose anyway, only to get cheapshotted. Booker lays in forearms and knocks Cena to the ground. Dueling Booker/Cena chants begin until Cena hit’s a Spine Buster for two. Booker kicks Cena in the faze and sends him to the apron.
Dragging John back in, Booker sidewalk slams for two. Booker works the arm again. Cena eventually counters it with an FU, but Booker escapes and levels Cena with a hard shot to the head…..with his foot. Booker gets two. Cena stumbles up and dodges a Scissors Kick. Clothesline and Cena forces Booker to the corner when Orton rushes in and attacks from behind.
HOLY SHIT NO WAYZ INTERFERENCE?! Orton uses the inverted backbreaker on Cena. Booker drags him up and hit’s the Scissors Kick. Orton then leers over Cena while Booker celebrates and leaves. Orton sets up for his running Kick O’ Death but stops short of hitting Cena with it. He suddenly leaps out, drags Cena Sr. out and kicks him in the head. He kicks the old right out of him! Cena goes to console his father (NOOOOOO!) as we watch the VICIOUS replay of the kick and the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Triple H returns and at least he didn’t look bloated and out of shape like he did at the SHOW THAT NEVER EXISTED for THE GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED.
Lowlight of the Night: Where to begin? Lets say, the continuation of the Orton Cena feud, going on with more pointless headkicking.
Eugene Award: Umaga goes back to heel out of nowhere apparently. Utterly pointless.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).