Raw 08.20.07

Show opens with Randy Orton in the ring and our announcers tonight are JR and Tazz of all people. Randy stalks around in the ring for a while before Lillian finally bother to introduce him like you don’t know. They show the single FATTEST geek in the audience at ringside. He says this is the last time we will see him standing in the ring without the belt around his waist so I’m assuming he just plans to leave it on in his matches too in that case. They show Randy RKOing Cena through the table"2 Days Ago" instead of "A freaking week ago". He says that footage will replace Andre being body slammed and the Montreal Screwjob and be played when he’s inducted into the (Chinlock) Hall of Fame. A small Cena chant rises while Orton says he would understand if Cena couldn’t make it to Summerslam and rumor has it he isn’t even here tonight. Orton gives John the chance to come out and forfeit the title to him now to avoid embarrassment (embarrassment at losing his title to the only person with even less of a move set than his own?). Instead, Vince swaggers out drunkenly. Vince says he found out his offspring is male today and someone on the roster is his son. He says he hopes his son is like Orton because if he didn’t know Orton’s dad so well he’d be proud to call him his son.

Vince rambles on about his son for a while and I actually completely stopped paying attention for a while but he said something about his offspring not being that great. Cena comes out and Orton hides in the crowd while Cena talks down Vince and says he’s glad to not be his child. He has a message to say he will be at Summerslam and retain the title since his new plan is to superglue the belt to his hand. Vince says if Cena doesn’t show up he will be stripped of the title and speaking of stripping that might bring him to his mother (YO MOMMA). He says he spent a lot of time in New England and in all likely hood he could have rammed his momma like bulldozer. Cena bitch slaps Vince right to the floor who is consoled by Orton on his way out. Vince grabs a mic and puts Cena one on one with the undefeated Snitsky (because those other losses WEREN’T HIS FAULT). JR pimps the Diva Tag Match and claims they will do it all so I’m getting my Kama Sutra out and if he’s lying I’ll know, the fat BBQ swilling bastard.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m pretty sure my head just exploded.

Back to the show where the Diva’s come out (of the closet) and Candice Michelle has decided to tear a page from Victoria’s book and dance around to techno music and the crowd couldn’t care less. Regal comes out to declare there will be an All Brand Diva battle royal at Summerslam for the #1 Contendership for Candice Michelle’s belt.

Beth Phoenix & Melina vs. Mickie James & Women’s Champion Candice Michelle

Beth starts off strong, taking a forearm from Mickie and hitting a slingshot suplex for two. Mickie escapes from Beth and both make the tag with Candice dropkicking Melina. A weak clothesline has Candice trying to fire up the crowd and I’m pretty sure some kind fell over snoring when she did. She picks up two and hit’s a northern light for another two. Candice screams for the crowd again and gets a light cheer. Beth tries to hit her in the back of the head but Candice dodges and rolls Melina up for three. Winners: Candice & Mickie

After the match, Mickie tosses Candice to prove she can do it I guess so Melina tosses Mickie and Beth throws Melina over the top rope after tricking her into a handshake. The crowd dies a little more inside and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Ping Pong is a real man’s sport.

Back to the show. They rerun WWE Idol’s results. Regal is on the phone telling someone the Diva Battle Royal is genius. Morella shows up to complain about him sending Maria on a date with Ron Simmons. He says it’s hard to listen to Regal’s ridiculous accent that makes him sound like a limp-wrested hair dresser. Booker is in the back with his crown on a pillow to talk to Hunter who he claims he knows is here tonight. He says there is no reason they cannot meet in the ring tonight and Sharmell says he is hereby invited to the official crowning of the one true king. Elsewhere, Coach is looking up Vince’s nose for a boogie (he must own a Wii). Vince thanks God it isn’t a daughter and a son is more important. And Coach says Triple G is gonna be here tonight and he got to thinking….they say there’s no chance.

They walk by Val who says “Hello Daddy.” Coach says it would explain a lot if it were Val. They then just walk on like they didn’t know how to continue this segment. You know what? I have no idea why this has to go on. Vince complains about how stuff wouldn’t have happened to him if it weren’t for Shane. Daivari then claims to be Vince’s son and puts a rag on his head. Vince proceeds to then blow up his OWN car. He says his son has to be someone much like him and have intelligence. He walks right by Kennedy when he says this. He says they also have to be handsome and have great wealth just as we go to commercial he’s still fucking TALKING.

Random Commercial Thought: What happened to all those CLASSIC Bowflex commercials? Did someone kill themselves with one or something? Oh….wait….

Back to the show where they recap Vince getting slapped. As if we haven’t had enough useless filler tonight, Cody is out to wrestler the other half of TWGTT. Cody always looks like he’s ready to do battle with The Green Lantern with all that yellow he’s wearing.

Cody Rhodes vs. Shelton Benjamin w/ Charlie Haas

Shelton starts off with an arm drag and monkey flips Rhodes over into a lou thesz press and punches. Shelton goes to a chin lock (take a shot). The crowd just seems to uninterested in the show tonight. Shelton clubs Cody in the back a few times. He bounces Cody off the ropes into a forearm shot to the back. Cody elbows Shelton in the face and kicks him low before punching on Shelton in the corner. Cody starts clotheslines and dropkicks. He counters a back body by Shelton and into the Bulldog for two. Rhodes punch combo is countered by Benjamin into an odd back breaker. JR of course calls this an inverted back breaker which is what he also call’s Orton’s move. I’ve come to the conclusion that anything that doesn’t look like the original version of itself is inverted to JR. Somebody needs to get that guy a dictionary so he can look up the definition of the damn word. Shelton tries a Boston Crab but Cody digs deep into his playbook to come up with his finisher, the rollup. Winner: Cody

Haas runs in and stomps Cody down, holding him back while Shelton lays into him. Haas hangs Cody up on the top rope and places his legs on his shoulder while Shelton leaps over him into an axe handle smash. They taunt him as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Tennis would be much more entertaining if it had Stephen Colbert as the commentator.

Back to the show. They thank Elephant Man for providing the Dance Hall theme for Summerslam. Cade and Murdoch are out to actually wrestle. These two have been on the power 25 since winning their belts despite not having actually wrestled at all until last week. They replay Cryme Tyme selling off a seat and using it on Cade and Murdoch. Londrick are their opponents tonight though. Where the fuck did those guys get their pants? The Cast of the Live Action Aladdin?

WWE Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch vs. Londrick (Non Title Match)

Cade starts off and pushes Kendrick to the corner, but he backs off clean. Cade hammerlocks and goes to a headlock (take a shot). Kendrick tosses him off and leaps over Cade, hitting a dropkick. Kendrick runs right into a shoulder block, but counters back with arm drags into an arm bar. London tags in but there’s no site of France or Underpants while he pins Cade for one. Cade powers him off and Murdoch tags in only to be arm dragged. London leaps over Murdoch in the corner and gets tossed to the apron but he rams Murdoch in the midsection. Cross body gets one for London. Murdoch runs London over and tags Cade back in. Cade smashes London in the back. He runs into an elbow from London in the corner and London ducks clothesline, spring boarding off the turnbuckle into a cross body. Kendrick and Murdoch come in and Londrick takes Cade to the floor before double dropkicking Murdoch down to join him. Londrick slingshot over the ropes into cross body drops.

Cryme Tyme run down and take Murdoch’s hat, auctioning it off for lower and lower. Back in the ring, (because nobody wants to see WRESTLING. They want to see more skits, damnit!) Cade clotheslines London and Kendrick tags in while he’s distracted. Kendrick gets a crucifix rollup for three.

Winners: Londrick

Cryme Tyme sell the hat for two dollars and sing the Money Money Yeah Yeah Song. I really think that song could use some more freaking lyrics. It’s more like an episode of Dora the Explorer the way it is now.

Random Commercial Thought: I always feel like the commercials for ECW are like some kind of action drama show.

Back to the show where we see Ron Simmons on his date with Maria. He orders a lot of rhyming stuff like Lamb and Jam. His vegetable is Yam. Morella shows up to interrupt with “Lillian” as his date. Jillian has to correct him on her name to which he adds “Whatever”. Damn I wish I could do that. Ron looks annoyed as we go to ringside.

Sharmell introduces Booker as the man who will defeat Triple H this Sunday (AHAHAHAHA….is she serious?). He recaps why he beat the hell out of “Jerome”. He says if King were here tonight he’d look him in the eye and ask if this replay looks like the actions of a scared individual where we see Jerry get his ass beat. I bet that makes him long for that grueling Andy Koffman feud. He demands Hunter to come out and place the crown on his head. Of course, some horrible parody of Hunter comes out and chokes on his water. I enjoy the nose that looks like it was clipped from one of the characters in Astro Boy. I enjoy the Conan the Barbarian loincloth. This guy is pretty skinny. Maybe he’s like, Double H? A step down? Double H places the crown on Booker’s head and bows. King Booker says he will make him bow at Summerslam and sends Hunter-bot away. He then moves on to our announce table to JR and “Tazzwell” HA! He sends Tazz off who congenially leaves like a fucking pussy. Booker complains about JR’s announcing, but I got news for him. We’ve been doing that for years and he’s still here despite the effort. He forces JR to kiss his ring when he refuses to. I’m pretty sure at this point most of the crowd must have gone into cardiac arrest because it’s dead silent.

Random Commercial Thought: Halloween…coming out in August.

Back to the show where JR says it is game on for Booker at Summerslam. Elsewhere, Jillian is singing that song to people that can cause Aliens to run away in fear. Morella says there isn’t any karaoke, she just brings the microphone with her everywhere. The waiter has Morella sign a magazine and reads a comment off of a note about how obvious he and Maria should go together before Ron Simmons calls him a sham.

Back to ringside for Carlito’s Cabana and his guest Umaga. Carlito tries to get Umaga to sit to which he replies “We don’t have chairs in Samoa.” Well okay, maybe he didn’t. Carlito demands an IC title match since he doesn’t have a match yet, but Kennedy’s music interrupts us. Kennedy asks Carlito if he knows who is talking to, a two time IC champ who bulldozed through everyone on Raw, except him and he’s beaten Lashley which Umaga didn’t do. He not only beat him, he destroyed him. He’s intent on telling us he took Bobby Out (I hope he at least picked up the bill too). Kennedy says if anyone deserves a shot it’s himself. When he goes to do the echo on his name, Umaga super kicks him and destroys the set. It looks like he’s having a fucking epileptic seizure. Regal sneaks by Umaga on the ramp and declares a match between Carlito and Kennedy to decide who gets a title shot as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish I had a rocket bike.

Back to the show.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Ken Kennedy
(Intercontinental #1 Contender’s Match)

Carlito is on the offensive right now, Carlito pouncing him (not Marcus Cor Von style) and laying in with punches. This match just looks sloppy like they are tripping around as Kennedy tries to do the same to Carlito. Carlito escapes to the floor and Kennedy chases him out. Kennedy grabs Carlito and trips him up when he gets back into the ring. Kennedy hangs Carlito up on the top rope and Kennedy takes control for a short period of time. Carlito lays in with chops in the corner and eventually catches a reverse elbow on Kennedy for two. Carlito goes into a chinlock (take a shot). Kennedy works to his feet and hit’s a back body drop on Carlito. Carlito hit’s a reverse elbow out of the corner and tries to pin but the ref wont count because the shoulders aren’t down. Carlito beats Kennedy down on the apron and tries to suplex him in, but Kennedy starts trying to reverse it until Carlito finally suplexes him into the ring for two.

Carlito almost gets himself pinned and rolls around on the ground like they both forgot what they were doing. Kennedy hit’s a reverse elbow which this has to be the most reverse elbows I’ve ever seen lead to this many near falls as Kennedy gets a two count. Kennedy dodges a springboard elbow from Carlito and sends Carlito into the ring post shoulder first. Carlito eats steps as well and Kennedy rolls into the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Arby’s is apparently a danger to society.

Back to the match. Kennedy is working the arm. Carlito sling him off, but Kennedy is back up to run him over. Of course, how he got a car in the arena that fast is anyone’s guess. Kennedy whips Carlito hard into the corner and pushes off the rope to lay his boot into Carlito’s shoulder. Carlito chops out at Kennedy and gets whipped back to the corner for his trouble. Kennedy stomps the shoulder in the corner and chokes him out first with his hands then with his boot. Kennedy tries to come off the rope at Carlito and eats a clothesline for two. Carlito tosses Kennedy shoulder first into the steel post. He picks him up and slams him back into it again before rolling Kennedy back into the ring. Carlito dropkicks for two. While I’m watching this I gotta wonder if he’s Mr. Ken Kennedy….Kennedy. Does that make him Mr. KKK? Carlito gets another two count and misses Kennedy in the corner.

Carlito tires to go up top but Kennedy drops him onto the top sternum first. Kennedy scoops Carlito onto his shoulders and Carlito fights out, going for a suplex now but Kennedy rolls him up for a pin, but the way the rollup is done, both men had their shoulders down. Winner: Draw

The crowd shits all over this. Regal rushes out to say he has a solution to make it a triple Threat match at Summerslam. He’s still Umanga to him. Is that some kind of Japanese comic book?

Random Commercial Thought: you know, some animator probably got paid big bucks to animate these Esurance commercials.

Back to the show. We are back to Simmons’ date where Morella says he will beat Ron like a Christmas HAM (who the fuck eats ham on Christmas? Not the JEWS! HA!) if he ever touches him again. Ron says the water’s name is Sam and the waiter trips and spills everything on Santino. Ron finally scores his full paycheck with one more line as our announcers run down the Summerslam card. Tazz slips up and calls Morrison Johnny before correcting to John Morrison. Vince is in the back talking to Melina about how she can’t be his daughter now. He tries to pick her up and lets he know where his room is before he turns to find Snitsky behind him. Snitsky says he never knew his parents but that’s probably because he can’t remember what he did yesterday either. He says he’s going to cause Cena the type of pain father’s try to protect their children from and calls Vince Dad as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Blades of Glory. I’m not even sure what to say about this movie beyond it’s a pile of steaming shit.

Back to the show where they recap Vince getting slapped and Snitsky is on his way. Cena heads out and this is the most alive the crowd has been all night, but the funny thing here is that they still are barely even audible. I’m quite sure that the crowd is either bored or have all been simultaneously stricken mute.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Gene Snitsky (Non-Ttle Match)

Cena and Snitsky tie up and Snitsky overpowers him early on, but misses entirely on a ramming splash in the corner. Cena tackles him down into a one count and runs right into a kick to the face that crushes him down. Snitsky drags Cena up into sharp strikes but Cena fights back and gets whipped right into a clothesline. Cena rolls to the floor. JR says Snitsky’s face tells the story. An acne ridden, hairless story. Snitsky goes outside to slam Cena into the apron and rolls him back in. Snitsky covers Cena for a one count, following up with a scoop slam. Snitsky is moving like that old robot from Lost in Space, only with less arm flailing…and even slower. Cena tries to fight back up and Snitsky just throws him right off. Snitsky puts Cena in a double underhook. The crowd rallies for Cena and he pushes free only to be clotheslined again. Which is odd, I always thought Snitsky would stick strictly to hangers instead of lines. Snitsky misses the Hanger Banger and hangs his leg up on the top turnbuckle. Cena chop blocks the other leg and hit’s the leg drop off the top. Cena scoops Snitsky up into the FU and Orton comes in to RKO him when he turns around.

Winner: Cena

Randy drags Cena back up into another RKO. Fun fact: There’s a local band here named RKO. Orton goes to ringside and grabs the belt to stare at it for a while. Maybe he’s trying to come up with a design to put in the middle. I would suggest a hypnotist’s wheel in order to try and convince the crowd that he’s entertaining. That’s all she wrote.

Highlight of the Night: Well….there was a clip from the crappy new Halloween movie after the show. Now with more black people!

Lowlight of the Night: A series of not very funny Ron Simmons/Morella sketches.

Eugene Award: With so many choices, it’s hard to pick one, but I’ll give it to the choice of having Kennedy and Carlito pin themselves. Horrible booking, just a cheap excuse to get them both on the PPV.