RAW RANT ARCHIVE (August 2006)
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WWE RAW
RANT: (07/31/06) By Cameron Burge
Welcome back Chumpettes to the Dr or Reganomics, the one the only….Uncle Rukus! "Now come ovah ‘ere so I lay hand on ya and SLAP da black outta yo’ ass!" Er, yes. Well anyway, on with the show! Raw 07.31.06 Show opens with theme and pyro and we have JR here to blabber about the arena and then the main event
for us. King tells us Orton has his own version of a reality show with Orton Knows Best. This is followed by Shane McMahon
on his way to the ring. He plays out then Vince plays out separately for little to no reason. They strut and dance in the
most retarded manner possible to the ring for us. You’d think Vince fathered the kid himself!….Hmmm….I wonder.…
Speaking of Rugrats, Vince cuts a promo on the rodent and something goes wrong with his microphone
to which he says "What the hell?" Vince says they have been celebrating since last Monday and all the way through to the rest
of the summer apparently. He and Vince will team up tonight against DX in a tag team match. This of course brings on the DX
theme, but the theme cuts off after a couple of beats. It then goes to Shane’s turn asking how Michaels can survive
Umaga. The theme teases against. He says DX will not interrupt them and finally they actually do and this time they both wore
the gay ass new shirts. Looks like a fucking Gak T-shirt. Shawn says they didn’t come to rain on his parade and wishes them Mozeltov. Hunter reminds him
they aren’t Jewish and they go Yiddish. Shawn says they now have a match at Summerslam and DX will be celebrating when
it is all over. They then decide to chat about the baby and say Hunter was there just last week. It is also his understanding
that Triple H has the entire McMahon Family Scrapbook. Hunter says he has it in his possession as he drunkenly waves his bottle
of water. Apparently he’s got the very first photo of Vince McMahon and they didn’t have color back then and civil
war photos don’t hold up well. It’s just a picture of Vince’s head photo shopped to a baby body. He goes
on to talk about the Vince McMahon Wipe My ass Club and Shane with a silver spoon in his mouth. They then go on to show the
first picture of new baby and she has Hunter’s screaming visage which makes me cringe in utter horror. Shawn says she
looks familiar in her DX Rules shirt. Shane calls them babies and says at Summerslam they’ll be changing their diapers.
Wait, what? They have a bit of advice for our future CEO in training and it is of course two words. Hunter says
they aren’t having a good time in the truck tonight because the music doesn’t play. Vince demands they play his
instead. DX’s plays at the X pyro’s go off in the ring as they do the suck it sign. After that mostly pointless
aside, they pimp the Intercontinental Triple Threat match even tough SHELTON BENJIMAN IS THE #1 CONTENDER. I want to know
what the hell the point of a #1 Contender’s match is if the winner’s never get their one on one match. Commercial
chumps. Random Commercial Thought: I’m a Psychic in a Telepathically Blocked
World. Back to the show and they pimp us some divas. We apparently have to sit through little segments all
night of Diva interviews. Oh yippie! Carlito is here to save us from bush with his bush-like head. Shelton is in next. Melina
is looking like a hybrid between Ariel (not the mermaid) and Lita tonight. Nitro gets clocked off the apron by Carlito as
soon as he tries to get up. Shelton then comes over the ropes in a forward Senton to get the match started officially as we
go to commercial. Random Commercial Thought: I train for second place. That’s why
I train with Slinky-flex. (Fun Fact: They ran two Bow Flex Commercials in one commercial break.) Back to the match. Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina (Triple
Threat Intercontinental Title Match) Shelton is using a devastating HEADLOCK on Nitro. Carlito to a Super kick during the break. Nitro reverses
a power bomb into two with a sunset flip. Carlito springboards in with on of his own while JR tries to pimp Hips Don’t
Lie by Shaquira and Wyclef for Melina. Heated Exchange after a near fall by Carlito then Nitro takes a full 360 flip in the
air from a monkey flip and Carlito runs in to clothesline Shelton. Carlito hit’s a hurricanrana on Nitro, but turns
right into a huge DDT from Shelton. Shelton goes for the pin, but Melina slips Carlito’s foot onto the rope to keep
him from winning. Shelton argues with Melina and Carlito shoves him out only to get rolled up with the tights for three. Special Match "Fact": It was WCW Monday Night Nitro because WCW Monday
Night Mike tested badly. We then get another retarded Diva interview and my brain explodes, thus sparing me the rest of this
horror. Too bad that was where I woke up. Commercials ahoooooyyy! Random Commercial Thought: All children have enormous heads of famous
sports stars. That’s why they are so damn ugly growing up. Back to the show. They replay Orton and Hogan from last week, complete with ass groping action. Orton
is in the ring and tells us that at Summerslam he’ll take the legend of Hulk Hogan and kill it (But not before her teams
up with several other individuals to kick Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass). He then says he may write a few books and has an
offer for his own reality show. It is his honor to introduce the cast of his new show. Hogan’s theme plays as Nick comes
out and Brooke Hogan, Linda and Hogan….oh wait. You mean….that’s not him? WHO’S LYING TO ME?! Orton
beats up his Nick, kicking him in the old raisins and tossing him to the floor. He says Hogan’s wife is an animal lover
for marrying a walrus. Anyway, Hogan goes off on him, and it’s a decent impression even if he is like incredibly short.
He says Hogan has his own Reality Show but needs a Reality Check for when he kills Hogan’s legend
in three weeks. Orton says Hogan can kiss his career goodbye and he has his own kiss. Orton sets the Mic down while the crowd
chants for Hogan. Orton makes out for a bit (not with Hulk). He then gives Fake Hulk (Is that like Grey Hulk in the comics?)
an RKO. Randy does more fawning to annoy us as his theme plays. Apparently Hogan has never lost a match at Summerslam. Orton
then turns around and clubs the ass-groping announcer. Orton turns back to his eye-play as we go back to The McMahons. Estrada comes in to thank them for the match and congratulates the new child. He then offers them Cuban
cigars. Vince asks for more, and Estrada says he has more boxes. Vince asks him to bring them as Shane says he doesn’t
smoke anymore as we go to commercial. Random Commercial Thought: Zoom: The Poor Man’s Gen X Back to the show. They replay what Orton did to King. And who is this Mysterious "They" I mention all
the time? Big Brother? Mr. Rogers? Anyway, King challenges Orton to a match in his home town next week. Erica gives her monotone
interview before we get another pointless blonde. Torrie. She’s our ref. Next we get Trish with Candice. Mickie is of
course with Victoria. I wonder whatever happened to that Victoria/Candice lesbo thing? Don’t look at me like that. Women’s Champion Mickie James & Victoria vs. Candice Michelle & Trish Stratus (Special
Ref: Torrie Wilson) Victoria starts with Candice and drags her hair around to slam her down. Candice does a sloppy waist
lock and gets Victoria into the fireman’s carry into a knee drop. JR keeps saying "Unique Attire" so many times I want
to kick his ass. Candice applies a scissor lock to Victoria’s arm, but Victoria slams her knee into Candice’s
face to drag her to the opposing corner and tag in Mickie. Mickie lays into Candice until she gets pissed and fights back
onto to eat mat by her hair. Mickie hair pulls all over the place while Torrie looks lost as all fuck. Mickie picks up two
off a hair pull and just continues to slam people down while JR mentions Mickie has injured a lot of people in the last few
months (which I hate to remind him is ACTUALLY a bad thing). Trish finally tags in and has her Stratusfaction on Mickie countered
when Victoria runs up. Instead she turns it into a combination head scissors, headlock takedown. Mickie takes chops in the corner and a huge running powerbomb off the top rope, but Mickie kicks out
at two. James rakes the eyes and Torrie Pulls Mickie off for breaking the rules. Mickie gets caught then in a Stratusfaction
and Candice dropkicks Victoria away to prevent the break up and Trish gets three. Special Match "Fact": According to JR, there were big tits in this match
in case you missed them. In the back, Mick asks Melina if he can borrow her from Nitro to introduce him to the ring since he
hasn’t been on in six weeks. Nitro is okay with it as we go to commercial. Random Commercial Thought: Eureka! This Show sucks! Back to the show. Milena talks her opponent down by praising her? O.o Melina (different person…sort of) introduces Mick for us. Mick says he is going to give the fans
what they really want, Flair/Foley in the ring tonight. He then adds…and they join forces in their quest for Tag Team
Gold. He says he’d like to point out their similarities instead of differences tonight. He says Ric took Orton under
his ring (That explains why he’s so fucking slow.) He goes on to say he took Melina under his ring. Ric’s a personal
friend of George Bush and Foley is a friend of Christy Canyon. He says he’s been on USA Today twice, while Flair was
on national news for road rage. Speaking of the Naitch, here he is. Flair says he’s been taking three weeks which is long for him because he’s already long
overstayed his welcome (no shit, jello boy). He tells Cactus Jack to shove it and asks who gives a damn about a book. Flair
sort of starts to ramble and I sort of start to drift off since I’m damn tired anyway right now. Ric goes on to demand
the hardcore war once more with the tacks, nails and barbwire. He wants Cactus Jack, Foley or whatever he wants to be. He’ll
shove Socko up his ass (Wooly Enema?). Flair rolls like a freaking retard in the ring before getting right up in Foley’s
face in the corner. He wants to finalize it once and for all. Flair invites Melina to ride space mountain. Flair says to him
she is just a friend. He insults Flair’s married history. Flair finally loses it and punches Foley out of the ring.
Coach comes out to tell them Vince has authorized the match. Foley says his contract lets him pick and choose his fights before
storming out to commercials. Random Commercial Thought: Oprah Winfrey can’t save you NOW! Back to the show. Another interview and Godsmack’s Summerslam theme. Edge will defend his title
against Cena at Summerslam and if he gets DQed he loses it again. But on to our Match. Here’s Striker. He makes fun
of Cena’s doctorate in Thuganomics. Cena interrupts then Edge joins our announce team. Oh Joy. Matt Striker vs. John Cena On to the action. Strikers eats a float over neck breaker and a spin out backdrop. Cena simply scoops
Striker up into a pretty cool spinout version of the FU and makes Striker tap to the STFU for the win. What match? Winner: John Cena Special Match "Fact": WTH? BRB! G2G! After the match Edge gets all pissed and leaves as we go to commercial. Random Commercial Thought: Where are my Motherfucking snakes on my Motherfucking
plane? Back to the show. They replay Rory and Robby losing as we go to the Squad in the ring for a cheer.
Johnny is going against Rory. So you know, Johnny is the midget. Rory w/ Robby vs. Johnny w/ The Spirit Squad Rory goes for a headlock and wrenches down. Rory duck a clothesline and head butt counters a back body
drop. Robby tries to get the ref’s attention, but the squad interferes behind his back. The ref catches them using the
cone. They toss it around and it makes it to Johnny who dances with it to act like they were having fun. The ref shouts into
the megaphone to eject all four members. Johnny looks scared as hell. He turns to find Rory waiting. Rory hit’s a back
elbow and Johnny trips him into the turnbuckles. Johnny stomps away and then goes into the weakass punches with his stumpy arms. Johnny hit’s
a knee drop for two and goes for a headlock. Johnny’s offense goes dry after a missed clothesline. Rory crushes Johnny
with a backbreaker for two and the Squad member back flip over him on the next move attempt. Rory takes a Johnny go Round
kick ad is out cold. Johnny taunts Robby and then goes for the pin, but Rory rolls him into an inside cradle for three. Special Match "Fact": The Claymore is the most common type of sword
associated with the Scottish Highland Warriors. Off to Commercials there can be only one. Random Commercial Thought: Lewis Black should have been my Dean. Maybe
I would have stayed in College. Back to the show. The bitches are here and all I can say is….. Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and I like how "The Power is in Your Hands" is his motto. Wasn’t that Captain Planet? They pimp Wrestlemania and DX gets drug searched in the back. Vince planted the Cubans on Hunter. As
the officers escort him out, Vince and Shane have a conversation and pretend not to know what is going on. As they get out
of sight, Shane produces the cigars. Contraband Commercials. Random Commercial Thought: Final Destination 3 is so AWESOME. I loved
the Choose your fate and the specials features were hilarious. Definitely worth the buy. Back to the show. Shawn is out with more X Pyro once he gets in the ring. He’s on his own for
the night. Umaga w/ Armando Ellejandro Estrada vs. Shawn Michaels Umaga eats a chop and lifts Michaels to spear him at the corner. Michaels wriggles free and shoves
the Samoan to the corner for standing punches. Michaels tries a sunset flip, but Umaga counters with a senton. Michaels dodges
and hit’s a drop kick for two. Shawn is sent to the outside as the McMahons arrive at ringside as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Black Panther was DC saying "LOOK AT US!
WE’RE RACIALLY SENSITIVE!" Back to the match. Shawn is getting owned, a big running round kick sending him over to the floor where
Shane gets in a cheap shot. Umaga slams him down on the announce table before restarting the count by getting in the ring.
Umaga backs the ref into a corner with threats and drags Shawn back into the ring, throwing him in by his hair. Michaels crawls
around while Umaga stalks him with attacks. Since we don’t have Big Show we have to use Umaga to call his legs tree
trunks. Apparently Tribal Samoans also know headlocks for some reason. Michaels fights free and eats a short head butt to be leveled again. Umaga scoops slams and does a
running falling head butt to Michaels on the ground, setting him up for the Ass Crash. Michaels swings out of the way and
to his feet, attacking with chops. Umaga wobbles, but shoves Michaels down. Shawn ducks a clothesline for more chops and does
the flying forearm. Umaga teeters hilariously long and falls. Estrada trips the nip up as Umaga gets up. Michaels comes off
the ropes at Umaga again, but takes the Samoan drop again. Umaga tears apart the stairs and the announce table and all the
chairs as Michaels crawls back into the ring. Vince orders the Samoan Strike, but his distracting of the ref allows Michaels
to deliver a low blow counter. Michaels goes up top with the elbow drop. Next it is tuning up the band. McMahon grabs the
foot of Shawn while Shane is distracted by Estrada. Michaels clubs Vince and takes Shane down with the flying forearm, but
the distraction is enough for Umaga to hit the spike and get the win. Special Match "Fact": Samoans have notoriously small penises. Sorry
Rock. After the match, They have their own Bondage video of whipping Shawn in the corner with a belt then
choking him out. Shane grabs a chair and sets it up for a Superkick into the chair into Shawn’s face. Vince tells an
unconscious Shawn Triple H faces Umaga next week. Highlight of the Night: I enjoyed The Triple Threat match as I usually
do when any combination of these three get together. Good stuff. Lowlight of the Night: What in the blue hell was with those Diva interviews?
Who the hell CARES? Eugene Award: Ric Flair does his lamest attacking of the ring mat ever,
rolling like a rabid dog on the ground. What the hell was that supposed to be?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
Winner:
Nitro
Winners: Trish & Candice
Winner:
Rory
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight
and
Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and
Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie
Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk,
and Darth Vader
Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger
Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,
Spock, The Rock,
Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan
all came out of no where lightning fast
and they kicked The Miz in his Gay Boy ass.
Winner: Umaga
WWE RAW RANT: (08/07/06) By Gershon Levy
WWE RAW RANT: (08/14/06) By Cameron
Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (08/21/06) By Cameron
Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (08/28/06) By Cameron Burge
Welcome to Raw is Crap. Or whatever they are calling it these days. Anyway, I almost forgot what station to watch this
one, which means you might have ended up with your recap several hours late due to me being forced to watched the rerun on
USA later tonight. However, Gersh set me straight and looking at tonight’s card I sort of wish he hadn’t.
Raw 08.28.06
Show opens with a recap of each thing that DX did to
Vince last week and is it just me or does today’s DX remind anyone else of "You Can’t Say That on Television"
from Nickelodeon? We go to ringside and Shane’s music hits. Shane O’Mac comes out alone for once and doesn’t
dance which kind of makes his theme a little lame when he isn’t acting goofy. Shane’s going gray on the sides
early just like his dad. He says the disgracing of the Headquarters is defacing hallowed ground which is questionable at best.
He also claims they risked Shane and Vince’s lives with the limo (not like jumping through chairs and ladders doesn’t
do that). Shane says Vince couldn’t celebrate his birthday without staring at the ceiling and saying DX. Vince agreed
to just "chill out" at the hotel and Shane is in charge. Shane says DX will be in tag team action on Raw for the first time
but their opponents are mysteries and we’ll be finding out what is in store for them at Unforgiven. Shane quotes his
father by saying he’ll be sending them straight to Hell when Edge’s music cuts him off.
Edge and Lita comes
down and Edge says that Shane needs to do something if he is running the show and runs footage of what Cena did to Edge last
week. Edge demands Cena be fired because he wants him out of his life and Cena’s theme hits. JR says Cena is the number
one contender despite losing his last couple of matches. I’d dare say Carlito is a bigger contender actually. Cena tells
them to pump the brakes since apparently he forgot to have them checked. Edge is dubbed Skeletor because Cena HAS THE POOOWEEERR!
Or something like that. Cena dances like Shane and sings The ho Comes for Money. Cena has a contract to go to Smackdown from
Teddy Long and says he wants one last match from Edge. If he loses he’ll go to Smackdown. Edge says he accepts on conditions
that he names the location and the type of match. Cena agrees and starts to walk off. Shane calls him back and says Cena needs
to learn respect because he didn’t dismiss him and you don’t treat the WWE champion the way Cena did. He says
Cena has a match and Cena strips his hat and shirt before Shane introduces his opponent by leaving. The Masterpiece Chris
Masters.
King says Chris is looking Leaner (which is King for "deflated") and his biceps jiggle when he flexes in an
unnatural manner. Masters head toward the ring for the match as we head off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought:
Frank McTittyFuck
John Cena vs. Chris Masters
Back to the show and the match has started. Cena hits a
power slam for one and a half before whipping Masters into the corner to bounce off into a suplex. Cena stays on the offensive,
but takes a boot to the face in the corner and Masters comes out with a clothesline. Masters comes in with a few hammering
blows and boxing shots, but Cena comes back with some right of his own only to eat a powerslam for two. Cena has to fight
his way free of a camel clutch and goes into his regular offense of shoulder blocks, the protobomb and the five knuckle shuffle.
Cena tries an FU, but Masters hits a reverse DDT to counter.
Masters signals for the Masterlock. He gets the half nelson,
but Cena grabs the arm into a drop toe hold and into the STFU. Masters looks to tap out but Edge runs in with a chair and
smacks Cena for the FU.
Winner: Cena
Edge goes to town with his chair, then switches up for a ladder before
fetching himself a chair as well. Edge sets the table in a corner and puts Cena right through it, not signaling his stipulation
at all. Of course, he does declare that the match will be at Unforgiven in a TLC match. Tables, Ladders and Commercials!
Random
Commercial Thought: School for Scoundrels looks like it can be pretty good.
Back to the show where they recap the
last five minutes of footage in case you were in a coma. The pimp the paddle match as we go to Shane in the back, interviewing
the only two heel tag teams. Haas & Viscera and Cade & Murdoch. He tells them to leave since he already has his tag
team. He calls Vince who says he’s having a great time and pauses to zip up his fly. Room service calls and there comes
the sound of a rooster crowing. They finally end the split screen madness that went out of style years ago and Vince lifts
the room service cart to show two caged roosters and some obviously recorded rooster calls. We go to Carlito and Trish.
He
says Lita is saying Trish is retiring after Unforgiven and she says it is true because she plans to retire and it’s
been something she’s been thinking about it for a long time. He asks he if that is what’s best and he needs to
give her a proper goodbye (bend over bitch!). Instead, they make out then Orton sandwiches them against the hardwood door,
kicking Carlito’s ass as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Mmm...chocolate....
Back
to the show. They run Kane getting attacked by Umaga in his match for the IC belt. Next, we have the back to school paddle
on a pole match. This is pretty much masturbation material which is too bad for the live crowd since I’m sure none of
them want to go to jail. Anyway since I refuse to recap stuff with only one hand, you get this back to school special instead.
Butterfly
in the sky, I can go twice as high Take a look, it's in a book - Reading Rainbow. I can go anywhere! Friends to know and ways
to grow - Reading Rainbow. I can be anything! Take a look, it's in a book - Reading Rainbow. Reading Rainbow, Reading Rainbow,
Reading Rainbow, Reading Rainbow!
Anyway, Candice Wins but has Torrie spank her than spanks a puppy (no, not a monkey,
puppy).
Random Commercial Thought: King of the Lost World is the Asylum Films version of King Kong, makers of
such films as Snakes on a Train.
Back to the show where they show clips from the awesome Davey Boy Smith/Bret Hart
match for the title. It was a sweet match if you’ve never seen it before. Orton is here and here comes Hardy and there
he goes.
Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton
Hardy goes nuts on Orton, slinging the son of a bitch around and
sending him crashing into the corner. Hardy reels up and swings forward with a double kick to the gut on Orton. Orton is set
up against the ropes and Hardy send shim over, following through with a spring board whisper on the wind to crush them both
as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I like myself a good dirge.
Back to the match. Orton
is using his patented headlock of doom (take a shot). Hardy hits a flips back mule kick on Orton to send him outside then
suicide dives into him. Back inside, Orton picks up two and soon after, Hardy’s high flying offense is shut off to send
both men down. Hardy starts clothing and dodges a big dropkick to set up his low blow leg drop. Hardy hits a dropkick off
the second turnbuckle for two. JR notes that our ref is slow as hell and trashes the governor of New Orleans in the process.
Awesome. Orton picks up two on Hardy and sets up for a power bomb which is countered into a Hurricanrana. Orton sends Hardy
to the turnbuckle next, but he runs up to try a cross body, but Orton counters with a dropkick for two.
Hardy hits
a neckbreaker on Orton and goes up top for the Swanton, but Orton rolls out to the outside. Orton taunts Jeff from ringside
and the ref holds Hardy back. While the ref is busy Carlito comes up and shoves Orton back to the ring. Hardy chokes Orton
out until the ref reprimands him and while he’s doing that Carlito spits the apple in Orton’s face. Hardy hits
the Twist of Fate and the Swanton (which JR calls a Twist of Fate as well) for the win.
Winner: Hardy
In
the back, Shane brings cops to the DX locker room and Hunter asks if that is a gun in his pocket or if he’s happy to
see him. Anyway, Shane orders the pranks stopped before Vince cracks and tells them to grow up at which point they cite all
of Vince’s childish antics and pimp the McMahon DVD like it was a diva as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial
Thought: Here comes the sun (do do dodo)
Back to the show where they run a thing about The Marine. The highlanders
are next to be commentators as we get going for the Tag Team Titles.
World Tag Team Champions The spirit Squad vs.
Eugene & Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Eugene starts on Mikey and hits him with a reverse Manhattan drop that sends him
to the outside with his teammate. Eugene kicks them over to the announce table where JR, King and the Highlanders get some
man ass. A fight break out and the ref gets pissed, ejecting two squad members and then the Highlanders from ringside. Mitch
manages to stay. Eugene gets a chant started for him as the Squad begins to working him over, Hacksaw having to be kicked
back to the apron before a two count on the retarded one. Eugene flails and escapes his ass beating to tag in Hacksaw. The
squad exposes a turnbuckle in the confusion and Hacksaw starts clubs cheerleaders like a serial killer, only to get rammed
into the turnbuckle and rolled up.
Winners: Spirit Squad
Umaga’s music interrupts The Squad’s
and JR says it’s a Katrina size tragedy headed to the ring for his second heartless joke of the night. The Samoan spikes
Eugene like the prom punch and Ass Crashes Duggan before Spiking Eugene again. They pimp DX and the Nitro Press Conference
as we go to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I was missing. Put me on a milk carton.
Back to the
show. They replay what happened to Mick Foley and Nitro and Melina head to the ring. Johnny Nitro cuts a promo that makes
me want to take a valium so I can feel as lackluster as he seems to be during this speech. The only thing good about this
really is that they make it like a real press conference with the cameramen. Melina takes over to talk down Mick for wanting
her body. Apparently she’s a star and Nitro is a star and eventually they’ll burn out their fuel supplies and
collapse in upon themselves. (Maybe that last part didn’t happen) She says she put Mick out of his misery and the crowd
is beginning to get restless here for something interesting. Funny bit: Nitro’s voice cracks like a teenager’s.
When they’re done they just sort of lacklusterly leave making me wonder what the point of that was. We pimp the Women’s
title match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Rabies!
Back to the show. They replay
what happened to Trish from Orton and talk about Lita listening in on a phone conversation to break the news of her retirement.
Lita comes out and when Mickie follows, she rushes directly to Lita, but the ref pushes her back until he can lift the title.
Women’s
Champion Lita vs. Mickie James (Women’s title Match)
Immediately they get going and Lita sends Mickie to
the floor hard, following her outside to toss her back in for a quick two count. Lita stalks Mickie around and wraps her knee
over the rope in the corner for the full count she can squeeze out. Lita starts stomping. Lita stalk her around some more
until Mickie powers back for two and hits some dropkicks. Mickie monkey flips in the corner and then goes in with clubbing
rights. Mickie hits a fisherman suplex for two. Lita brings the title into the picture, but the ref gets it out of the ring.
Mickie rolls Lita up for a full three, but the ref only turns around in time for two. Mickie tries a Mickiecanrana in the
corner, but Lita counters into a power bomb pin and holds the ropes DIRECTLY OVER THE REF’S HEAD, for the win.
Winner:
Lita
Off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: What's with Metal Bands giving themselves religious
names? Is that so you can tell they hate religion? Or just because they think they’re required?
Back to the show.
They replay Cena/Edge and DX is here. Oh joy! They do they're usual spiel and Shane comes out to introduce Regal, Finlay and
Kennedy as we go to commercial again.
Random Commercial Thought: Balls and Bitches. How appropriate.
Back
to the match.
William Regal, Mr. Kennedy (KENNEDY!) & US Champion Fit Finlay w/ Leprachaun w/o Pot o’
Gold vs. Degeneration X w/o Incredibly long title
Regal started with Michaels and during the break and Shawn is
getting beat down with forearm shots. Regal sends Michaels to the corner who tries to fight loose and Michaels gets clotheslines
by Finlay on the outside for Finlay to lift the leprechaun into a splash on Michaels. Back in the ring, Hunter break up a
pin at two and Finlay face slams Michaels into the apron while Kennedy his lower body in the ring and the ref deal with Regal
and Hunter. Finlay tags in and crushes Michaels with clothesline before hitting a cannonball ass drop for two.
Michaels
fights out of a submission, but he gets sent right back down and Finlay tags in Regal. Regal hits him only a few times before
Finlay tag back in a misses a charge to the corner where his shoulder meet the ring post. Michaels tries to crawl for the
tag as Finlay holds his foot then tags in Regal. Michaels leaps and makes the tag and Hunter cleans house. Regal eats a facebuster
and Kennedy is sent to the outside. Triple H hits the spine buster on Finlay then tries a Pedigree on Regal, but Kenny clotheslines
him and Regal trips him. Kenny misses his top rope dive. Hunter sends Kennedy back out. Michaels has the ref distracted while
Regal takes a chair at Hunter. Hunter dodges for Finlay to eat it. One Pedigree on Regal and its over.
Winners: DX
Shane
cuts their music and invites Big Show out. DX tries to double team him but the numbers overtake them in a short while, Michaels
getting racked on a ring post. Finlay takes Hunter down with his shalaylea (sp?) and Vince arrives next with a lead pipe.
Vince goes nuts with the pipe (Ha Ha...nuts) and hits Michaels with a camera. Shane gives Hunter a finishing blow with the
pipe. Vince grabs a microphone and says it isn’t over until he says it is over and next time it will be he, Shane and
Big Show and they’ll give us our obligatory Hunter in a Cage match for the year when it is Hell in a Cell. Vince and
Shane celebrate as we go off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Jeff/Orton was pretty damn good even if Hardy
didn’t win clean since we have to continuously put over that Orton is a ring God and can only lose to legends or some
shit.
Lowlight of the Night: Paddle on a Pole Match, I feel like I’m still watching the Diva Search.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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