Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum



RAW RANT ARCHIVE (August 2006)

July 31, 2006
August 07, 2006
August 14, 2006
August 21, 2006
August 28, 2006


WWE RAW RANT: (07/31/06) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back Chumpettes to the Dr or Reganomics, the one the only….Uncle Rukus!

"Now come ovah ‘ere so I lay hand on ya and SLAP da black outta yo’ ass!"

Er, yes. Well anyway, on with the show!

Raw 07.31.06

Show opens with theme and pyro and we have JR here to blabber about the arena and then the main event for us. King tells us Orton has his own version of a reality show with Orton Knows Best. This is followed by Shane McMahon on his way to the ring. He plays out then Vince plays out separately for little to no reason. They strut and dance in the most retarded manner possible to the ring for us. You’d think Vince fathered the kid himself!….Hmmm….I wonder.…

Speaking of Rugrats, Vince cuts a promo on the rodent and something goes wrong with his microphone to which he says "What the hell?" Vince says they have been celebrating since last Monday and all the way through to the rest of the summer apparently. He and Vince will team up tonight against DX in a tag team match. This of course brings on the DX theme, but the theme cuts off after a couple of beats. It then goes to Shane’s turn asking how Michaels can survive Umaga. The theme teases against. He says DX will not interrupt them and finally they actually do and this time they both wore the gay ass new shirts. Looks like a fucking Gak T-shirt.

Shawn says they didn’t come to rain on his parade and wishes them Mozeltov. Hunter reminds him they aren’t Jewish and they go Yiddish. Shawn says they now have a match at Summerslam and DX will be celebrating when it is all over. They then decide to chat about the baby and say Hunter was there just last week. It is also his understanding that Triple H has the entire McMahon Family Scrapbook. Hunter says he has it in his possession as he drunkenly waves his bottle of water. Apparently he’s got the very first photo of Vince McMahon and they didn’t have color back then and civil war photos don’t hold up well. It’s just a picture of Vince’s head photo shopped to a baby body. He goes on to talk about the Vince McMahon Wipe My ass Club and Shane with a silver spoon in his mouth. They then go on to show the first picture of new baby and she has Hunter’s screaming visage which makes me cringe in utter horror. Shawn says she looks familiar in her DX Rules shirt. Shane calls them babies and says at Summerslam they’ll be changing their diapers. Wait, what?

They have a bit of advice for our future CEO in training and it is of course two words. Hunter says they aren’t having a good time in the truck tonight because the music doesn’t play. Vince demands they play his instead. DX’s plays at the X pyro’s go off in the ring as they do the suck it sign. After that mostly pointless aside, they pimp the Intercontinental Triple Threat match even tough SHELTON BENJIMAN IS THE #1 CONTENDER. I want to know what the hell the point of a #1 Contender’s match is if the winner’s never get their one on one match. Commercial chumps.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m a Psychic in a Telepathically Blocked World.

Back to the show and they pimp us some divas. We apparently have to sit through little segments all night of Diva interviews. Oh yippie! Carlito is here to save us from bush with his bush-like head. Shelton is in next. Melina is looking like a hybrid between Ariel (not the mermaid) and Lita tonight. Nitro gets clocked off the apron by Carlito as soon as he tries to get up. Shelton then comes over the ropes in a forward Senton to get the match started officially as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I train for second place. That’s why I train with Slinky-flex. (Fun Fact: They ran two Bow Flex Commercials in one commercial break.)

Back to the match.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina (Triple Threat Intercontinental Title Match)

Shelton is using a devastating HEADLOCK on Nitro. Carlito to a Super kick during the break. Nitro reverses a power bomb into two with a sunset flip. Carlito springboards in with on of his own while JR tries to pimp Hips Don’t Lie by Shaquira and Wyclef for Melina. Heated Exchange after a near fall by Carlito then Nitro takes a full 360 flip in the air from a monkey flip and Carlito runs in to clothesline Shelton. Carlito hit’s a hurricanrana on Nitro, but turns right into a huge DDT from Shelton. Shelton goes for the pin, but Melina slips Carlito’s foot onto the rope to keep him from winning. Shelton argues with Melina and Carlito shoves him out only to get rolled up with the tights for three.
Winner: Nitro

Special Match "Fact": It was WCW Monday Night Nitro because WCW Monday Night Mike tested badly.

We then get another retarded Diva interview and my brain explodes, thus sparing me the rest of this horror. Too bad that was where I woke up. Commercials ahoooooyyy!

Random Commercial Thought: All children have enormous heads of famous sports stars. That’s why they are so damn ugly growing up.

Back to the show. They replay Orton and Hogan from last week, complete with ass groping action. Orton is in the ring and tells us that at Summerslam he’ll take the legend of Hulk Hogan and kill it (But not before her teams up with several other individuals to kick Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass). He then says he may write a few books and has an offer for his own reality show. It is his honor to introduce the cast of his new show. Hogan’s theme plays as Nick comes out and Brooke Hogan, Linda and Hogan….oh wait. You mean….that’s not him? WHO’S LYING TO ME?! Orton beats up his Nick, kicking him in the old raisins and tossing him to the floor. He says Hogan’s wife is an animal lover for marrying a walrus. Anyway, Hogan goes off on him, and it’s a decent impression even if he is like incredibly short.

He says Hogan has his own Reality Show but needs a Reality Check for when he kills Hogan’s legend in three weeks. Orton says Hogan can kiss his career goodbye and he has his own kiss. Orton sets the Mic down while the crowd chants for Hogan. Orton makes out for a bit (not with Hulk). He then gives Fake Hulk (Is that like Grey Hulk in the comics?) an RKO. Randy does more fawning to annoy us as his theme plays. Apparently Hogan has never lost a match at Summerslam. Orton then turns around and clubs the ass-groping announcer. Orton turns back to his eye-play as we go back to The McMahons.

Estrada comes in to thank them for the match and congratulates the new child. He then offers them Cuban cigars. Vince asks for more, and Estrada says he has more boxes. Vince asks him to bring them as Shane says he doesn’t smoke anymore as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Zoom: The Poor Man’s Gen X

Back to the show. They replay what Orton did to King. And who is this Mysterious "They" I mention all the time? Big Brother? Mr. Rogers? Anyway, King challenges Orton to a match in his home town next week. Erica gives her monotone interview before we get another pointless blonde. Torrie. She’s our ref. Next we get Trish with Candice. Mickie is of course with Victoria. I wonder whatever happened to that Victoria/Candice lesbo thing? Don’t look at me like that.

Women’s Champion Mickie James & Victoria vs. Candice Michelle & Trish Stratus (Special Ref: Torrie Wilson)

Victoria starts with Candice and drags her hair around to slam her down. Candice does a sloppy waist lock and gets Victoria into the fireman’s carry into a knee drop. JR keeps saying "Unique Attire" so many times I want to kick his ass. Candice applies a scissor lock to Victoria’s arm, but Victoria slams her knee into Candice’s face to drag her to the opposing corner and tag in Mickie. Mickie lays into Candice until she gets pissed and fights back onto to eat mat by her hair. Mickie hair pulls all over the place while Torrie looks lost as all fuck. Mickie picks up two off a hair pull and just continues to slam people down while JR mentions Mickie has injured a lot of people in the last few months (which I hate to remind him is ACTUALLY a bad thing). Trish finally tags in and has her Stratusfaction on Mickie countered when Victoria runs up. Instead she turns it into a combination head scissors, headlock takedown.

Mickie takes chops in the corner and a huge running powerbomb off the top rope, but Mickie kicks out at two. James rakes the eyes and Torrie Pulls Mickie off for breaking the rules. Mickie gets caught then in a Stratusfaction and Candice dropkicks Victoria away to prevent the break up and Trish gets three.
Winners: Trish & Candice

Special Match "Fact": According to JR, there were big tits in this match in case you missed them.

In the back, Mick asks Melina if he can borrow her from Nitro to introduce him to the ring since he hasn’t been on in six weeks. Nitro is okay with it as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Eureka! This Show sucks!

Back to the show. Milena talks her opponent down by praising her? O.o

Melina (different person…sort of) introduces Mick for us. Mick says he is going to give the fans what they really want, Flair/Foley in the ring tonight. He then adds…and they join forces in their quest for Tag Team Gold. He says he’d like to point out their similarities instead of differences tonight. He says Ric took Orton under his ring (That explains why he’s so fucking slow.) He goes on to say he took Melina under his ring. Ric’s a personal friend of George Bush and Foley is a friend of Christy Canyon. He says he’s been on USA Today twice, while Flair was on national news for road rage. Speaking of the Naitch, here he is.

Flair says he’s been taking three weeks which is long for him because he’s already long overstayed his welcome (no shit, jello boy). He tells Cactus Jack to shove it and asks who gives a damn about a book. Flair sort of starts to ramble and I sort of start to drift off since I’m damn tired anyway right now. Ric goes on to demand the hardcore war once more with the tacks, nails and barbwire. He wants Cactus Jack, Foley or whatever he wants to be. He’ll shove Socko up his ass (Wooly Enema?). Flair rolls like a freaking retard in the ring before getting right up in Foley’s face in the corner. He wants to finalize it once and for all. Flair invites Melina to ride space mountain. Flair says to him she is just a friend. He insults Flair’s married history. Flair finally loses it and punches Foley out of the ring. Coach comes out to tell them Vince has authorized the match. Foley says his contract lets him pick and choose his fights before storming out to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Oprah Winfrey can’t save you NOW!

Back to the show. Another interview and Godsmack’s Summerslam theme. Edge will defend his title against Cena at Summerslam and if he gets DQed he loses it again. But on to our Match. Here’s Striker. He makes fun of Cena’s doctorate in Thuganomics. Cena interrupts then Edge joins our announce team. Oh Joy.

Matt Striker vs. John Cena

On to the action. Strikers eats a float over neck breaker and a spin out backdrop. Cena simply scoops Striker up into a pretty cool spinout version of the FU and makes Striker tap to the STFU for the win. What match?

Winner: John Cena

Special Match "Fact": WTH? BRB! G2G!

After the match Edge gets all pissed and leaves as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Where are my Motherfucking snakes on my Motherfucking plane?

Back to the show. They replay Rory and Robby losing as we go to the Squad in the ring for a cheer. Johnny is going against Rory. So you know, Johnny is the midget.

Rory w/ Robby vs. Johnny w/ The Spirit Squad

Rory goes for a headlock and wrenches down. Rory duck a clothesline and head butt counters a back body drop. Robby tries to get the ref’s attention, but the squad interferes behind his back. The ref catches them using the cone. They toss it around and it makes it to Johnny who dances with it to act like they were having fun. The ref shouts into the megaphone to eject all four members. Johnny looks scared as hell. He turns to find Rory waiting. Rory hit’s a back elbow and Johnny trips him into the turnbuckles.

Johnny stomps away and then goes into the weakass punches with his stumpy arms. Johnny hit’s a knee drop for two and goes for a headlock. Johnny’s offense goes dry after a missed clothesline. Rory crushes Johnny with a backbreaker for two and the Squad member back flip over him on the next move attempt. Rory takes a Johnny go Round kick ad is out cold. Johnny taunts Robby and then goes for the pin, but Rory rolls him into an inside cradle for three.
Winner: Rory

Special Match "Fact": The Claymore is the most common type of sword associated with the Scottish Highland Warriors.

Off to Commercials there can be only one.

Random Commercial Thought: Lewis Black should have been my Dean. Maybe I would have stayed in College.

Back to the show. The bitches are here and all I can say is…..

Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight and
Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and
Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie
Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader
Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger
Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,
Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan
all came out of no where lightning fast
and they kicked The Miz in his Gay Boy ass.

I like how "The Power is in Your Hands" is his motto. Wasn’t that Captain Planet?

They pimp Wrestlemania and DX gets drug searched in the back. Vince planted the Cubans on Hunter. As the officers escort him out, Vince and Shane have a conversation and pretend not to know what is going on. As they get out of sight, Shane produces the cigars. Contraband Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Final Destination 3 is so AWESOME. I loved the Choose your fate and the specials features were hilarious. Definitely worth the buy.

Back to the show. Shawn is out with more X Pyro once he gets in the ring. He’s on his own for the night.

Umaga w/ Armando Ellejandro Estrada vs. Shawn Michaels

Umaga eats a chop and lifts Michaels to spear him at the corner. Michaels wriggles free and shoves the Samoan to the corner for standing punches. Michaels tries a sunset flip, but Umaga counters with a senton. Michaels dodges and hit’s a drop kick for two. Shawn is sent to the outside as the McMahons arrive at ringside as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Black Panther was DC saying "LOOK AT US! WE’RE RACIALLY SENSITIVE!"

Back to the match. Shawn is getting owned, a big running round kick sending him over to the floor where Shane gets in a cheap shot. Umaga slams him down on the announce table before restarting the count by getting in the ring. Umaga backs the ref into a corner with threats and drags Shawn back into the ring, throwing him in by his hair. Michaels crawls around while Umaga stalks him with attacks. Since we don’t have Big Show we have to use Umaga to call his legs tree trunks. Apparently Tribal Samoans also know headlocks for some reason.

Michaels fights free and eats a short head butt to be leveled again. Umaga scoops slams and does a running falling head butt to Michaels on the ground, setting him up for the Ass Crash. Michaels swings out of the way and to his feet, attacking with chops. Umaga wobbles, but shoves Michaels down. Shawn ducks a clothesline for more chops and does the flying forearm. Umaga teeters hilariously long and falls. Estrada trips the nip up as Umaga gets up. Michaels comes off the ropes at Umaga again, but takes the Samoan drop again. Umaga tears apart the stairs and the announce table and all the chairs as Michaels crawls back into the ring. Vince orders the Samoan Strike, but his distracting of the ref allows Michaels to deliver a low blow counter. Michaels goes up top with the elbow drop. Next it is tuning up the band. McMahon grabs the foot of Shawn while Shane is distracted by Estrada. Michaels clubs Vince and takes Shane down with the flying forearm, but the distraction is enough for Umaga to hit the spike and get the win.
Winner: Umaga

Special Match "Fact": Samoans have notoriously small penises. Sorry Rock.

After the match, They have their own Bondage video of whipping Shawn in the corner with a belt then choking him out. Shane grabs a chair and sets it up for a Superkick into the chair into Shawn’s face. Vince tells an unconscious Shawn Triple H faces Umaga next week.

Highlight of the Night: I enjoyed The Triple Threat match as I usually do when any combination of these three get together. Good stuff.

Lowlight of the Night: What in the blue hell was with those Diva interviews? Who the hell CARES?

Eugene Award: Ric Flair does his lamest attacking of the ring mat ever, rolling like a rabid dog on the ground. What the hell was that supposed to be?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (08/07/06) By Gershon Levy

I wish a big hello to the few people who still watch this stuff.  This is your old pal The Gersh (old compared to the other staff members) filling in for Cameron and his piece of crap satellite.  I guess it’s a curse that my cable works just fine, not to mention I was not affected by a recent 10 day blackout here in Queens, NY.  As many of you know (at least if you read my column) I was at Raw and Smackdown last week and had a good time.  We shall see how the fallout of my attendance plays out (yes I know how self important that makes me sound but seriously, me being there is way cooler than ordering a PPV).
Recap of last week’s beatdown on HBK by the McMahons and we open with a view of Graceland and then we see Vince and Shane Presley trying to figure out which Elvis song to sing (I think Shane is the young thin one and Vince the older fat one).  They look like complete idiots and tonight Vince is going to be very cruel.  Where’s the Honky Tonk Man when you need him?  Theme and pyro and we are live from Memphis, Tennessee.  Tonight we have Umaga vs Triple H as well as Randy Orton vs. Jerry Lawler in his hometown.  JR mentions that Hulk Hogan’s injury will be updated and we are starting off with a match for the Women’s Championship.  Trish (who reportedly is leaving soon) comes out first followed by my favorite psycho diva, Mickie James.
Trish Stratus vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James (Silicone Valley Match)
Right as the two of them lock up, Edge’s music hits and he and Lita (another diva reportedly leaving) come down to ringside and Edge cancels the match.  He asks Mickie to leave but asks Trish to stay.  He asks the crowd if they think it’s fair he has to defend the title against John Cena (it’s a Catch 22 really; I don’t want either of them).  He analyzes the Summerslam poster and the fact he is nowhere to be seen but figured he’d be on the new WWE magazine especially since he heard it’s a blonde from Toronto who looks like a million bucks but it’s Trish.  Lita then gets on the microphone and says maybe the reason Edge is upset is because he has to take a back seat to trash like Trish (hey that sounds kinda poetic).  Lita nails Trish with a spear and holds her so Edge can do the same but Carlito runs down and saves the day but ends up taking a spear as well.  That’s not cool!
Commercial Comment: “Snakes on a Plane” has no rating yet?  It comes out in less than two weeks!
Johnny Nitro and Melina come down to the ring to view the next match, which is yet ANOTHER #1 contender match for the IC belt.  Apparently it’s the Coach’s fault.  Shelton Benjamin comes down to the ring but for his opponent instead of it being Carlito again, he’s got to face the Big Red Movie Star Kane (who unlike some weapon makers say is not from Singapore).
Kane vs. Shelton Benjamin (#1 Contender’s Match to Determine Who Will Be in the #1 Contender’s Match to Determine Who Will Be in the #1 Contender’s Match to Determine…)
As Kane goes to light the turnbuckles on fire, Shelton nails a bulldog and gets a two count.  Kane uses his power to counter Shelton’s high flying offense and hits a clothesline in the corner followed by a sidewalk slam.  He then goes to the top rope and gets a big clothesline on Shelton.  As Kane goes for the chokeslam, Shelton kicks Kane but then gets caught again but as Kane tries again Benjamin counters with a DDT.  Shelton goes to the top but gets caught yet again and this time receives a chokeslam and three count.
Winner: Kane
Kane looks right at Nitro and Melina and laughs at them.  We then go to commercial.
Back live, John Cena’s music hits to a much more favorable response than he got in Jersey last week (there was not much cheering at all).  After the music stops there is some booing.  He gets on the microphone and says the reason Edge is not on the Summerslam poster is because his face scares small children.  Lita isn’t on it because she is on a poster for 7-11 that says “Slurpees for Herpes”.  Apparently Edge is on the cover of Crying Bitch Illustrated.  He says if Edge wants respect, he should come out and earn it.  Coach’s music hits which JR appropriate calls “a well dressed buzzkill”.  Edge won’t be coming out because he is participating in a mixed tag with Lita against Carlito and Trish.  He says if Cena is hungry for a match he has an opponent that is hungry all the time and Viscera comes down (please eat him Vis!).  Off to commercial.
Commercial Comment: Charo makes Joan Rivers look like a Botox novice.
John Cena vs. Viscera (He may be fat, but I bet he can still job)
Back live, Viscera has control but Cena tries to fight back.  During the commercial we missed a Samoan Drop by Vis.  In the corner, Cena gets a turnbuckle splash from Viscera and he goes out of the ring.  Back inside, Viscera goes for the pin but only gets two.  Cena goes for a couple punches but when he goes for a flying attack, Viscera catches him and does a falling slam but only gets two.  Vis puts on a chin lock which Cena breaks and then throws a few punches followed by a face buster.  As he goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Viscera gets up and nails a sidewalk slam.  Big Vis then goes for a splash but misses.  Cena then manages to pick up Viscera and delivers an FU and then the pin.  What a shock!
Winner: John Cena
Commercial Comment: Tomorrow on ECW we get Kurt Angle vs. Sabu for a shot at Big Show’s ECW title.  Well at least I get to recap ONE good match this week.
This week in wrestling history, WWE did a show at Shea Stadium in 1980.  They only had 36,000 people in the stands.  I guarantee if they did that now, they’d let the fans on the field to maximize the profits.
Shane and Vince are backstage and Vince is prepping the security guards for tonight.  Shane leaves and we go to Trish freaking out before she kisses Carlito.  Shane is then shown looking for Shawn Michaels.  He goes over to the Highlanders and then Torrie and Candice before HBK attacks him and then go into the office fighting until the guards break it up and arrest Shawn.
After a commercial, HBK is apologizing and Trips comes over to find out what’s going on.  They take Shawn away and back at ringside, Edge and Lita come down to the ring.  A clip from Mind of Mencia is shown featuring Edge which is on this Sunday.  Carlito’s music hits and he and Trish come down to the ring.
WWE Champion Edge and Lita vs. Carlito and Trish Stratus (Crabs vs. Apples or Crabapple Match, whatever you prefer)
Edge hits Carlito early on with a dropkick and tries for a pin then chokes Carlito on the rope.  Carlito comes back with some punches and then gets a clothesline.  Edge goes and tags Lita, so Carlito has to tag Trish.  Trish gets a Lou Thesz Press.  Over in the corner after Edge interferes, Lita hits a clothesline from the second rope.  She puts Trish in a chinlock and before it gets broken, Lita throws her down by the hair.  A big “Edge Is Gay” chant starts, boy that’s real original but well look where the show is.  All four end up in the ring and Carlito and Trish deliver a double dropkick which knocks Edge and Lita to the outside and we go to commercial.
Back live (hope you enjoyed your bathroom break) Edge has Carlito in a chinlock.  Carlito gets thrown to the corner and jumps to the top and does a back flip and tries for the Apple Jack but Edge holds on to the ropes to avoid it.  He then gets thrown to the outside where Lita gets a sneak attack.  Back in the ring, Carlito regains control and gets a springboard elbow.  A tag on both sides and Trish is a house of fire (as opposed to Lita who is a house of fire crotch).  Edge sneaks in and holds Trish while Lita goes to the top but Carlito breaks it up.  Carlito avoids a spear from Edge but he nails Trish instead.  While Carlito and Edge fight on the outside, Lita pins Trish for the win.
Winners:  Edge and Lita
A recap of Smackdown is shown and I’ve never seen a pile of shit so high in person as the Great Khali.  Tard Grisham (who has thankfully seen a LOT less screen time lately since Unlimited was dropped) is backstage talking about Hulk Hogan’s injury and he interviews Randy Orton who says he’s making excuses to not have to face him.
Ric Flair’s music hits and Naitch comes down to the ring with one of Mick Foley’s books in his hand.  After last week’s great promo, I can’t wait to see what happens here.  Flair mentions that he was born in Memphis.  He says he’s spent the last 10 years trying to figure out Mick Foley and someone told him he should read his book.  He drops the book on the ground and then drops an elbow and a knee on it before flinging it out to the crowd.  He holds on to one page and says deep inside Foley is a Ric Flair fan.  On the page he holds, he reads that Mick’s #1 match of all time was Flair vs. Funk in an I Quit Match.  He says either Foley won’t face him because he knows he won’t win.  The car crash sound is heard (and my neighbor’s car is totaled) and Mick Foley comes out and says that if they had a match, Flair’s name would be at the top again.  But he won’t do it because 12 years ago Flair stepped on Foley’s dreams in WCW and now he’s doing the same to him.  He reiterates he isn’t wasting a match on Flair.  Naitch begs Mick to face him in a legendary match.  Mick then challenges an I Quit Match for Summerslam.  Mick then says it may be Flair’s greatest match, but may also be his last.
After a commercial, Randy Orton makes his entrance.  Then the King’s music hits and Lawler enters wearing all white including an Elvis-like white cape (he coincidentally looks like a big sperm).
Randy Orton vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler (Hometown Heroes Must Lose or Get the Crap Beaten Out of Them Match)
A trade of slaps but Orton gets control and gives a back body drop to Lawler.  Back on his feet, Orton gets a dropkick and then one of his patented chinlocks.  Crowd is firmly behind Lawler and he breaks out and throws a few punches.  King then goes to the second rope and misses the fist drop.  RKO attempt but King pushes him off and almost hits the ref.  When the ref turned around to dodge it, Orton kicked King in the nuts then gets the RKO for the win.
Winner: Randy Orton
Teaser for Jeff Hardy is shown then the guy who makes Ryan Seacrest look straight, the Miz, introduces the Diva Search contestants.  Erica is eliminated and the Miz informs us we will have “Diss the Diva” momentarily.  JR goes over the Summerslam lineup and I’m noticing how many old as fuck people are wrestling.  Back in the ring, umm wait a minute.  I had no idea that my beer was empty, let me get another.  OK I’m back.  Oh darn I missed it.  I think there were some dumb bimbos talking and some people booing.  I didn’t hear anyone called a “cum guzzling gutter slut” so it couldn’t have been good.  Some highlights of HBK from last week and earlier tonight and then Umaga is shown with Estrada and the McMahons as we go to commercial.
Umaga is on his way out with well, the same people I just said.  Pay attention!  Triple H then comes out to his third theme, the DX theme.  He has a very serious look on his face as he comes to the ring.
Uuuuuuuumaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrrrada, and the McMaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahons vs. Tripllllllllllllllllllllle H (How Long Can You Say Their Name Match)
Trips starts off with a series of punches but Umaga floors him with a big headbutt.  Umaga telegraphs a back body drop and Trips kicks him then clotheslines him over the top.  Back inside, Umaga gets a reverse flying kick and then drops a headbutt.  He then sets up Hunter in the corner upside down and gives him yet another flying headbutt.  He then rams his butt into Trips’ face (sounds gay).  Umaga goes to the ropes but misses a headbutt and Trips gets some punches and a clothesline.  Shane goes in the ring and Trips cuts him off then Vince tries to distract but gets knocked off the apron.  Trips then goes for a Pedigree but Umaga flips him over.  Umaga then is on the receiving end of a spinebuster but Vince pulls the ref out.  Shane interferes and starts his famous punch routine but as he goes for the big right, Hunter hits a spinebuster on him.  As he goes for a Pedigree on Vince, Umaga nails the Samoan Spike and gets the pin.
Winner: Umaga
Vince and Shane continue the beatdown and Vince gives Hunter a Pedigree then mocks his pose on the turnbuckle.  The McMahons raise their arms on the ramp as we go off the air.
Highlight of the Night: I’ll go with the Kane-Shelton match as well as the Foley-Flair promo.  This has been a great buildup.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva Search of course.  Thankfully this garbage is over soon.
Eugene Moment: Were we actually supposed to believe Viscera had a chance to beat John Cena?
Of course I gotta mention the other great content on this site so go check it out.  If you have any comments about this week’s column, you might want to send them to me and not Cameron.  Also come back tomorrow for my regular column “ECW: The Next Generation”.  If you don’t, then I’m gonna hit you with your finishing move and laugh.  Now hit my music!

WWE RAW RANT: (08/14/06) By Cameron Burge

Ahrg. I’m fighting through shitloads of computer troubles and Satellite issues to be able to bring this half-assed article to you all. Last week, we saw some of the most shocking moments in wrestling history. And also some not so shocking ones and uh....Divas...

Okay I admit it, I have absolutely no idea what happened last week. I wasn’t able to watch the show and I didn’t read the recap. So sue me. I can wing it. Or at least wing it better than the husband who forgets his wife’s anniversary only to dig through a dumpster and find a prom night corsage in the garbage which he re-wraps with a used condom as a gift. Yeah. I’m way better than that guy.

RAW 08.14.06

Show opens with Lillian Garcia who tells us to welcome Edge. Unfortunately apparently this welcome does not include torches and pitchforks. There’s apparently been disturbing news on WWE.com and some sketchy information regarding. Oh God no! Something supposedly happens at Cena’s father’s home. Edge rambles on for a while and shows us video footage of his visit to the Cena residence. It’s narrated by Edge with no sound in the footage wear he does a lot of rather boring shit. In the end he tells off Cena’s father then bitchslap him hard enough to knock him out. Oddly enough they play it slow motion with extra sound effects that make the slap sound like a gunshot, which is actually pretty awesome. Edge says John is at home consoling his father with an ice pack. He runs some stills of the chapters of his career concerning the world title. Oh yippee, I wonder if Peewee’s Playhouse is on yet.... Oh and Edge claimed he had a title match against Carlito but JR calls him insane since it’s a non-title match. MORON. We’re having a Diva Beat the Heat Water Fight tonight and Randy Orton will call out Hogan tonight. Lita and Mickie are having a women’s title match next. Which is odd since Lita hasn’t had ANY matches lately to earn it.

Random Commercial Thought: I like pie!

Back to the show. Mickie is here to get this match going.

Lita vs. Women’s Champion Mickie James (Women’s Title Match)

Lita gains the early advantage with a side headlock and sends Mickie to the corner. Mickie eats some kicks and such until she pounces and begins wailing on Lita on the ground, soon after landing a standing dropkick. Mickie goes up top, but Lita yanks her off by her hair and then tosses her by it again. Mickie tries a come back, but Lita counters into a side Russian leg sweep, spinning out of it into a series of big rights to the face for two. Mickie comes back with some forearms shots. She catches Lita with a reverse elbow into the corner and comes out of it with a headscissors for two. Mickie blocks the DDT and covers for two when Edge knocks her legs off the ropes. Lita then rolls up with her legs on the ropes, but the ref sees it. Lita goes down for two after a bridge by Mickie. Lita counters the Double D DDT by throwing Mickie then Edge distracts the ref for a belt shot and the three. The crowd seems as apathetic for this as they are for Edge as a whole.

Winner: Lita

The crowd couldn’t care less and neither can I. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh boy the Diva Search Finals! Yeah boy, I’m gonna be there for THAT....Oh look! I have an appointment to be neutered that day, guess I’m busy.

Back to the show. Foley is in the house and he cuts himself yet another excellent promo though nowhere near as good as most of his other have been. Flair will take on Nitro tonight and Foley invites him to a showdown in ECW tomorrow night. We go to ringside where Umaga is here to...wait a minute did I hear that right? JR just called him a "MANster!" Half Man, half monster....yeah... They rerun clips of Umaga and his DX matches.

Umaga w/ Estrada vs. Jobber

Hmm, basically every other Umaga/Jobber match in which we get some hard shots, the Ass Crash and the Samoan Spike for three. Winner: Umaga

We get a parking lot shot waiting on the McMahons and DX as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh by the Craft with men. Huzzah....and Goddamn that commercial was long.

Back to the show. Here comes N-n-n-nitrooooo *pyros*...oh wait it’s just Johnny. Anyway, Melina is there so I’m good. Also The Blob comes down to the ring, but for some reason they introduce him as Ric Flair.

Ric Flair vs. Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina (Non-title Match)

They tie up and Flair immediately goes chop crazy. Nitro comes back with an Enziguiri as JR points out a freakish screamer in the audience that made my ear bleed. Nitro gets two and goes to a headlock. Nitro gives a beat down in the corner and sends Flair to the canvas. Johnny goes up top and comes off with an awesome corkscrew moonsault, but it’s nothing but mat for him. Flair gets up after the dodge only to be attacked by Foley.

Winner: Flair

Flair gets owned horribly like a n00b!!1 even eating the steel steps. They run a picture of the Diva Water Fight but the announcers go completely silent and just let it sit there oddly enough.

Random Commercial Thought: Silent Hill sure was damn loud.

Back tot he show. It’s Diva Time. Hey look at this:

I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts by Monty Python
Down at an English fair,
One evening I was there,
When I heard a showman shouting
Underneath the flare:

Hoi've got a lo-ve-ly pair o' coconuts.
There they are a-standin' in a row.
Big ones, small ones, some as big as yer 'ead!
Give 'em a twist, a flick o' the wrist,
That's what the showman said.

Hoi've got a lo-ve-ly pair o' coconuts.
Hevery ball yer throw will make me rich.
There stands me wife, the idol of me life,
Singin' "roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!

Singin' roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!
Singin' roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!
Roll a-bowl a ball, roll a-bowl a boll, singin' roll a-bowl a ball a penny a pitch!


I've got a lo-ve-ly pair of coconuts (They're lovely!)
There they are a standing in a row.
(One, two, three, four)
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head
(And bigger)
Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist, thats what the showman said.

Now that hoi've got a lo-ve-ly pair of coconuts.
Hevery ball you throw will make me rich.
(Have a banana)
There stands me wife, the idol of me life,
Singin' roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!

All together now!

Singin' roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!
Singin' roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a pitch!
Roll a-bowl a ball, roll a-bowl a ball, singin' roll a-bowl a ball, a penny a

Oh and the Diva’s won the water fight match against the contestants if you care. Miz got wet. Ha ha!....wet....

Random Commercial Thought: I want a crazy Spanish woman to translate everything I say into gibberish too.

Back to the show. DX is here and really I had like ten minutes to spare where I didn’t have to do anything. It’s time for the Michael Buffer impersonation who is actually currently doing the Pride Fighting Championships now I believe. Good for him. Shawn says he got to witness to his fellow inmates and work on his prison ministry last week at least. He says Vince and Shane McMahon forgot one thing about DX. There’s always been two things that have separated them from everybody else. First: They always do what they want when they want. For instance they have a tendency to focus on Vince’s voracious appetite for cock. Hunter goes to tell us the second thing and Shane interrupts with some smooth dancing brothah followed by Vince’s music and old pappy himself.

Vinnie cuts a promo with Shane showing footage of DX getting annihilated. Vinnie goes on for a bit about how they are going to rend DX limb from limb and blah blah blah. Anyway he says there’s no chance in hell before Hunter cuts him off so his music won’t play. Hunter reminds us of who they are, and gives himself a much longer title, even bringing up the King of Kings shtick again. Trips says they can bring anyone in to fight and they don’t care. Anyway they basically say to bring it as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: BRASS BALLS.

Back to the show. The Spirit Squad is here and Hacksaw’s theme plays accompanied by Eugene. Christ....

Hacksaw Jim Duggan & Eugene vs. World Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad (non-title Match)

Hacksaw starts us off with Mikey and pretty much crosses him. Both men are in the ring and they both get called man Hos before getting decked. Jim gets distracted and takes a dropkick that sends him outside for cheap shots. Eugene rushes to the rescue to protect Jim from the squad when the Highlanders arrive to save the day. Jim rolls in and Eugene gets back in his corner. Hacksaw doesn’t make the tag before being dragged away for a double team. Kenny starts unleashing on Hacksaw like a can of rabid Albanian weasels!

Hacksaw finally powers back and makes the tag. Eugene unloads with rights and Rock Bottoms Mikey. Kenny takes an airplane spin and gets himself dizzy. Kenny and Eugene collide with each other in a horribly sloppy and botched manner. Kenny is sent off the top rop by Hacksaw into the other Squad member, but Johnny hits a Johnny go-round on Eugene while the ref is distracted. However the Highlanders run in for a Scott Drop with the ref still distracted and Eugene gets the three.

Winners: Duggan and Eugene

After the match we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: God damn, could they just shorten that commercial a little? It wouldn’t kill them I don’t think.

Back to the show. Umaga offers his services at Summerslam through his mouthpiece in Armando Ellejandro Estrrrrrada. They then run down the Summerslam card and Carlito makes out with Trish in the back.

Random Commercial Thought: I was so zoned I don’t know if there were commercial here or not.

Back to the show. Carlito arrives and so do Edge and Lita. Huzzah.

Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Trish Straus vs. World Heavyweight Champion Edge w/ Women’s Champion Lita (non-title Match)

Carlito gains early advantage with a quick two count, but Edge soon recovers and hangs himself up in the corner by running into a boot. Carlito goes back on offensive and smashes Edge into a corner. Carlito and Edge get back to things and this time Edge is on offensive with heavy right then send Carlito down. Edge backdrops Carlito over the ropes, but he lands on the apron and slams Edge into the turnbuckle. Carlito comes flying next and crushes Edge for two when Lita hooks Edge’s foot on the bottom rope before pulling him to safety on the outside as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Some stuff was sold. And some other stuff wasn’t.

Back to the show. Edge hit a dropkick (O’ DOOM) on Carlito when he attempted a top rope maneuver that most obviously wasn’t meant to be just a reason to get dropkicked. Edge is working Carlito over now with headlocks and such, but Carlito fights off only to be grabbed by Lita. Trish takes her down and Carlito goes to town with a Million Dollar Knee followed by a clothesline for two. Carlito springboard off the middle rope into a moonsault, but Edge ducks and Carlito lands on his feet into a Hurricanrana that is BEAUTIFUL for two. Edge comes back with two of his own and sets up in the corner for the spear, but Carlito leapfrogs to send him into the turnbuckle.

Edge trips him up into the turnbuckle and goes to get Carlito back when Cena suddenly rushes the ring and annihilates Edge.

Winner: Edge

Edge escapes through the crowd while security tackles Cena. Off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Where all da white women at?

Back to the show. They replay the shot of Orton RKOing Hulk on a limo before replaying more footage but of Edge and Cena. Finally Orton arrives in wrestling gear to supposedly call out the Hulkster. I’m curious as to whether he is going to be a midget or not this time.

Orton says Hogan didn’t show up tonight and he must actually Know Best because he would have shown otherwise. Orton rolls a tape of all his killed Legends. He basically asks if this how Hogan really wants Hulkamania to end because it will only take one RKO...or one standing up from a couch to blow his knee out. Hogan’s music hits...and we get the same guy from before again. Faux Hogan says Orton is right that he can kill Hulkamania and makes the same joke I just made about blowing his knee out on a couch. Asshole. He says he’s a junior senior citizen and asks what Orton’s gonna do when he soils himself all over you...what? Anyway, Hogan’s music interrupts again and Hogan sort of...strolls out tiredly. Hogan comes in with the rights and the big boot sends Orton out. And that...was it. We didn’t even get a complimentary shirt rip! Ass. Faux Hogan makes fun of him behind him and gets a finger wave. He can’t even take the big boot properly. Faux Hogan gets his ass whooped for a while boringly. Hogan eventually gets on the mic to say he’ll be at Summerslam. He eventually does tear his shirt...AH GOD!

Highlight of the Night: Edge/Carlito was surprisingly good, but would have been better with an actual ending.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva Water fight....or that could be a hightlight I guess if you were equipped with Kleenexes.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (08/21/06) By Cameron Burge

Hello. My name is Cameron. And I’m not wearing any pants right now. Try to have a nice day with THAT image in your brain. Welcome to Hell (Subsequently the town that Santa terrorizes in Santa’s Slay), population: You.

Raw 08.21.06

Here we are, jiving to the beat of a different drum....well, okay more like the same drum we always jive to...over....and over...

Show opens with video footage from the biggest party of the summer and the only thing I can say is that it must have been a damn dull party summer this year for that to be it. Edge’s music hits as we make Rated R jokes and whatnot and he says he’s been waiting for this night his entire life because he’s also psychic. He said many people bought tickets thinking he wouldn’t be champion. He tells everyone they were wrong including a tiny kid. Edge talks about Lita who is on the Titantron at the harbor. She has the spinning belt. "Cena" chants build before Lita tosses the belt. It lands like, a whole foot from the dock. Yeah, no one will ever find that. He tells us to welcome a new era of Rated R as smoke descends from the rafters in a column obscuring a descending belt. It STILL SPINS. He asks for any challengers to step up...and Jeff Hardy comes out. The FUCK?!

Edge asks if Jeff died three years ago. He tells Jeff to learn a lesson from Matt who’s career he ruined and Jeff decks him with a mule kick. Jeff goes up top sloppily but Edge makes a run for it as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Monkeys!

Back to the show. Highlanders are out for an eight man tag.

World Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad vs. The Highlanders, Eugene & Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Eugene is beat down by the Squad before the bell rings and Rallies out of an arm bar with USA chants, despite everyone here being from the same country. Eugene spins his squad member in the airplane and Hos up for a tag to Robby. Robby dropkicks for two and Johny kicks out. Johnny reverses a whip for a cheap shot form the squad to regain the advantage. Johnny gets two and tag for a double team. "USA" chants start for THE SCOTTISH and they keep getting two counts on Robby. Kenny helps a moonsault to Mikey for another two. Double teaming continues with Nicky doing some sort of weird flying hammer to the forehead move to Robby. The crowd wants Hacksaw. Robby pretty much takes the place of a punching bag for a while until High Risk misses for Rory to tag in and clean house. Rock Bottom Back Breaker gets two when the Squad breaks it up then Hacksaw gets in the ring. Jim takes Mikey tot he ring post outside. Rory takes on two men but Robby drags the other out. They perform a double springboard reverse suplex to pick up the three together.

Winners: Highlanders, Eugene & Hacksaw

In the back, Edge runs into Vince’s office only to find Coach working out on a BOWFLEX. I guess he finally lost his virginity. Edge demands Jeff Hardy tonight, but cringes back when the title is mentioned, wanting a non-title match. The Coach okays it and is sent packing as well when Vinnie Mac hits the scene. Shane tells Vince they should expunge last night’s match from the record and Vince says he’s feeling gnarly tonight (should have taken that shower) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I drive while submerged in beer all the time. It’s fun!

Back to the show. Orton is here to tell us he got screwed by the ref last night and is wrestling Flair to take out his aggression on an even bigger legend. Tard tells us Flair lost a lot of blood, but gets cut off since Orton doesn’t cool. Carlito interrupts to say it was cool that Orton lost. Orton tells him he’s nothing and he himself is a former World Champion. Orton demands more respect and walks off as Carlito takes a bite of his apple. We go to elsewhere with Triple H and a magazine. He says its a long story to say where he is tonight. He says The odds were against them last night when they overcame cheerleaders, a leprechaun, a limey, a cannibal and a chubby giant. He says they saw Vince’s private jet flying over head in the parking lot as Shawn plays with a toy plane then rolls around on the desk. They went to the terminal and had to see the plane for themselves and there was an incident and we should see it for ourselves when Shawn comes back, tearing everything up.

Shawn scratches the paint on the way out with his hand. Hunter says they gotta get out before Vince sees it. They sip their champagne with pinkies raised as Trips says he wont notice because instead there is of course a spray painted DX on the side. We go back to Vince and Shane watching this and Vince gets revenge on the fiendish Television as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Rock Stars in: The same movie you’ve seen eight times.

Back to the show. They replay Lita’s title win. Trish is on her way out followed by Victoria and here we go.

Trish Stratus vs. Victoria

Victoria opens with a bitch slap that comes all the way from Ohio and back. Trish comes back with forearms and goes to town. She hits a Stinger Splash in the corner followed by a dropkick to send Victoria to the floor. Trish comes off the apron with a Lou Thesz press and mounted punches. Back in the ring she gets two off a victory roll and tries for Stratusfaction, but Victoria counters into a backbreaker. Trish powers back out of submissions with a headscissors and gets herself immediately flattened again. Victoria goes up top, but Trish meets her there with punches and a Hurricanrana. Trish gets caught in the Widow’s peak, but Trish slips out and hits the Stratusfaction by kicking off the top rope instead of the middle for once for the three.

Winner: Trish

Vince interrupts the celebrations with his music as Shane is following along obediently. Vinnie tells us that he has called the police because the airport is right down the street and tonight we will be treated to DX getting arrested...not that we haven’t already seen that with Umaga. Nope, that never happened. Anyway, they send us off to commercial with that glorious news.

Random Commercial Thought: I want to be a Bowflex when I grow up.

Back to the show. Vince is still waiting in the ring for the police. He says we’ve waited long enough and takes us to the airport on the titantron. DX is looking at the big flag. They’re on top of the World Wrestling Entertainment’s Headquarters now instead of at the airport. According to Triple H, the German’s left their mark and bombed pearl harbor. But JR gets a chance to sue his Owen Hart voice soon after. DX spray pained a huge DX on the side of the building...without ladders, a crane or anything. Vince looks like he’s had a heart attack and leaves to the "Na na na" song in slow motion as JR says DX went too far. They pimp the IC Title match and Jeff Hardy as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The funk’s your brother.

Back to the show. This week in wrestling history is the first episode of Smackdown. Two of moments from that show are McMahons. But I don't like to bother to remember anything with Stephanie in it so I’ll pretend they didn’t bring it up. In the back, Vinnie and Shane are walking along solemnly when Mick shows up and calls him Vince. Vince says last week Foley said he could kiss his ass. Mick says he isn’t having a good night either. Vince says he’ll make his night better by having Foley showing a special club. Foley describes all his injuries and says that’s the most ridiculous offer he’s ever heard. Vince says if Foley won’t kiss his ass, somebody is getting fired. We’re then back to ringside with Jeff Hardy. Jeff looks retarded when he doesn’t look like a drug addict. He needs his glowpaint and green hair back.

Jeff Hardy vs. Rated R Champion Edge w/ Women’s Champion Lita (Non-title Match)

Edge comes out and gets a baseball slide for his trouble. Jeff cross body slingshots over the top onto the Rated R champ and tosses Edge into the ring to beginning beating on Edge and gets a two count. Edge sends Jeff whipping along the ground and under the bottom rope into the barricade wall. After some ring steps, Jeff is on the defensive in the ring and getting kicked around. Edge pulls him around the ring post, bowing his back for the full count to not get DQed. Jeff powers back soon after and goes up top, but when he comes off, Edge is long gone and he simply lands on his feet. Jeff hits a DDT, but Edge hits a crushing move of his own for two.

Jeff runs up the turnbuckles after a whip into a corkscrew for two. JR says Jeff wont live to be old with risks like that (*coghcokecough*). Jeff keeps the heat on with another two count and Edge backs into the corner for Jeff to simply work on him more. Jeff hits the Twist of fate in the center of the ring and goes up top. Swanton hits its mark. Jeff covers and Lita grabs his foot to pull Edge under the ropes. The ref stops the count at two and belatedly calls for a DQ as Cena runs down.

Winner: Hardy

Cena attacks Edge into the back and Cena sends Cena into the garage door before running out the back door. Cena follows suit as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I am the reaper...give me your corn!

Back to the show. They replay what just happened five seconds ago and I have to wonder. Does WWE actually think we only have the three second attention span of goldfish? King is going to show Kiss My Ass club footage when we see Cena still whipping Edge by the docks. He tries to toss him off with an Fu, then Edge escapes and tries to do it to John. They brawl alot as Cena says he isn’t going anywhere. Some people finally restrain him, but he escapes and tackles from behind for more. Cena tells them to stay back this time and fights them off. Finally he chucks Edge out from the docks and says he ain’t going nowhere. (nice English)

Random Commercial Thought: Where all da black women at?

Back to the show. They replay Kane getting his number one contender spot. Melina shows up and thanks Mick for saving her last night. He says he’s about to be fired if he won’t kiss Vince’s ass. She says he is her mentor and says to think hard about that choice while she goes out for Johnny’s match. She kisses him before going. Nitro makes his way out alone, but Melina runs out after him to make her entrance. Their music is eventually interrupted by Kane who for some reason NEVER TOLD US WHO THE FALSE KANE WAS.

Kane vs. Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina (Intercontinental Title Match)

Kane pretty much dominates of course and Nitro tries some athletic stunts, but Kane just CRUSHES him back down. Nitro tries mounted punches and Kane just throws him. Nitro springboard into the ring from the apron with a dropkick, but Kane swats him like a fly. Kane runs Nitro over with a clothesline and heads up top. Kane comes off the top rope with a flying clothesline, but Umaga runs in and takes him down.

Winner: Kane

Kane takes the Samoan Spike and at least isn’t entirely KILLED by it for once. As Umaga celebrates, Kane finally sits up, but Umaga kicks him down. Umaga unleashes flying head butts and hits a second Spike that makes Kane bleed and gurgle from the mouth while the ref just stands around as if this is okay as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Pick you Pimp!

Back to the show. They run Layla winning the Diva Search and the trailer for The Marine. Which doesn’t look any worse than The Rundown at least. Back to ringside and here comes Randy Orton as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Sulu is gay.

Back to the show. Flair is out in all his band-aided glory.

Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair

Orton attacks early and suplexes Flair who writhes like he was shot in the balls. The Nature boy is sent to the outside for Orton to slam him around like a rag doll. Orton restarts the count and drags Flair up for a series of pummeling rights. Orton stalks Flair around back in the ring, stomping on him until Ric rolls to the floor. Orton whips him into the steel steps and poses as we get an odd nipple shot for some reason. Orton sends Flair back into the ring and stomps on our limp (HA HA...limp) hero. Orton goes to the ropes to yell at the crowd as Flair drags himself tiredly to his feet. Orton comes at him in the corner, but Flair fights back with chops.

Flair loses the advantage and attempts a backdrop, but Orton cuts it off. Back against the ropes Flair counters some rights with more chops, but Orton decides he’s had enough of that bullshit and hits the RKO for the win.

Winner: Orton

After the match Orton starts crushing Flair with right on the ground. The ref tries to drag him off, but it won’t work so the ref calls Lillian over. Lillian announces that the winner is now Ric Flair. Orton gets pissed and sets up for an RKO as Flair drags himself up by the ropes. Carlito elbow drops Orton and goes to town. Orton attempt an Irish whip but Carlito springboards off the ropes with an elbow at Orton. Orton makes his retreat as we go to commercial with some footage of Regal kissing ass.

Random Commercial Thought: I like the Muppets.

Back to the show. Vince is introducing Foley and Melina to kiss his ass. He says Foley is the first to ever bring a date to this. Melina looks like Rogue from X-men. Foley says he won’t do it because he doesn’t need the job. Vince says he threatened to fire somebody, not Foley and he means he’ll fire Melina. And Foley says nobody is worth kissing his ass except her. He tells Melina she’s going to be one of the biggest superstars ever. He says afterward they’ll buy mouthwash and alcohol so he can forget his night ever existed. Foley orders Vince’s pants down, cursing him the whole way and Vince does so. Foley gets down and kisses of his own accord, calling him a son of a bitch before going to Melina. Foley gives Vince a trash talk as Vince gets redressed and Melina low blows Mick. Oops. Melina runs to Vince and Shane. Vince has two words for him like DX and Melina says he’s fired. Vince talks on the mic the whole way out while the replay it in slow motion and he keeps talking about how this is the greatest way for the night to end. He says he’ll get another asswax as they drop Melina off with Nitro. Why the fuck is he still using the microphone? On their way out the door they leave the attendant with the microphone.

Shane asks Vince if he’s okay. He says he isn't and he can’t breath because he thinks DX has broken him. He says his plane will never be the same again. Vince asks about the headquarters and Shane says they’ll pay. They get go to get in the limo and the driver gets out with no tie. Vince says he needs to wear one next time or be fired. The driver tries to tell him something, but Vince gets in. As they drive away the rear axel is dragging a chain and it jerks off the limo. The driver helps Vince and Shane out and Vince kicks his ass while the driver tries to explain it wasn’t his fault. They then see that the other side of the limo had a DX paint on it. Vince throws a fit as cries as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Um...Here’s the deal. There were basically no really up moments of the night it was more like a constant Malaise. Thus I will not be awarding a highlight to anything.

Lowlight of the Night: However, there was plenty to bitch about! How about the swerve that was not a swerve at all in Foley getting his walking papers...again.

Eugene Award: The crowd. They cheered USA for a SCOTSMAN!

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (08/28/06) By Cameron Burge

Welcome to Raw is Crap. Or whatever they are calling it these days. Anyway, I almost forgot what station to watch this one, which means you might have ended up with your recap several hours late due to me being forced to watched the rerun on USA later tonight. However, Gersh set me straight and looking at tonight’s card I sort of wish he hadn’t.

Raw 08.28.06

Show opens with a recap of each thing that DX did to Vince last week and is it just me or does today’s DX remind anyone else of "You Can’t Say That on Television" from Nickelodeon? We go to ringside and Shane’s music hits. Shane O’Mac comes out alone for once and doesn’t dance which kind of makes his theme a little lame when he isn’t acting goofy. Shane’s going gray on the sides early just like his dad. He says the disgracing of the Headquarters is defacing hallowed ground which is questionable at best. He also claims they risked Shane and Vince’s lives with the limo (not like jumping through chairs and ladders doesn’t do that). Shane says Vince couldn’t celebrate his birthday without staring at the ceiling and saying DX. Vince agreed to just "chill out" at the hotel and Shane is in charge. Shane says DX will be in tag team action on Raw for the first time but their opponents are mysteries and we’ll be finding out what is in store for them at Unforgiven. Shane quotes his father by saying he’ll be sending them straight to Hell when Edge’s music cuts him off.

Edge and Lita comes down and Edge says that Shane needs to do something if he is running the show and runs footage of what Cena did to Edge last week. Edge demands Cena be fired because he wants him out of his life and Cena’s theme hits. JR says Cena is the number one contender despite losing his last couple of matches. I’d dare say Carlito is a bigger contender actually. Cena tells them to pump the brakes since apparently he forgot to have them checked. Edge is dubbed Skeletor because Cena HAS THE POOOWEEERR! Or something like that. Cena dances like Shane and sings The ho Comes for Money. Cena has a contract to go to Smackdown from Teddy Long and says he wants one last match from Edge. If he loses he’ll go to Smackdown. Edge says he accepts on conditions that he names the location and the type of match. Cena agrees and starts to walk off. Shane calls him back and says Cena needs to learn respect because he didn’t dismiss him and you don’t treat the WWE champion the way Cena did. He says Cena has a match and Cena strips his hat and shirt before Shane introduces his opponent by leaving. The Masterpiece Chris Masters.

King says Chris is looking Leaner (which is King for "deflated") and his biceps jiggle when he flexes in an unnatural manner. Masters head toward the ring for the match as we head off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Frank McTittyFuck

John Cena vs. Chris Masters

Back to the show and the match has started. Cena hits a power slam for one and a half before whipping Masters into the corner to bounce off into a suplex. Cena stays on the offensive, but takes a boot to the face in the corner and Masters comes out with a clothesline. Masters comes in with a few hammering blows and boxing shots, but Cena comes back with some right of his own only to eat a powerslam for two. Cena has to fight his way free of a camel clutch and goes into his regular offense of shoulder blocks, the protobomb and the five knuckle shuffle. Cena tries an FU, but Masters hits a reverse DDT to counter.

Masters signals for the Masterlock. He gets the half nelson, but Cena grabs the arm into a drop toe hold and into the STFU. Masters looks to tap out but Edge runs in with a chair and smacks Cena for the FU.
Winner: Cena

Edge goes to town with his chair, then switches up for a ladder before fetching himself a chair as well. Edge sets the table in a corner and puts Cena right through it, not signaling his stipulation at all. Of course, he does declare that the match will be at Unforgiven in a TLC match. Tables, Ladders and Commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: School for Scoundrels looks like it can be pretty good.

Back to the show where they recap the last five minutes of footage in case you were in a coma. The pimp the paddle match as we go to Shane in the back, interviewing the only two heel tag teams. Haas & Viscera and Cade & Murdoch. He tells them to leave since he already has his tag team. He calls Vince who says he’s having a great time and pauses to zip up his fly. Room service calls and there comes the sound of a rooster crowing. They finally end the split screen madness that went out of style years ago and Vince lifts the room service cart to show two caged roosters and some obviously recorded rooster calls. We go to Carlito and Trish.

He says Lita is saying Trish is retiring after Unforgiven and she says it is true because she plans to retire and it’s been something she’s been thinking about it for a long time. He asks he if that is what’s best and he needs to give her a proper goodbye (bend over bitch!). Instead, they make out then Orton sandwiches them against the hardwood door, kicking Carlito’s ass as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Mmm...chocolate....

Back to the show. They run Kane getting attacked by Umaga in his match for the IC belt. Next, we have the back to school paddle on a pole match. This is pretty much masturbation material which is too bad for the live crowd since I’m sure none of them want to go to jail. Anyway since I refuse to recap stuff with only one hand, you get this back to school special instead.

Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high Take a look, it's in a book - Reading Rainbow. I can go anywhere! Friends to know and ways to grow - Reading Rainbow. I can be anything! Take a look, it's in a book - Reading Rainbow. Reading Rainbow, Reading Rainbow, Reading Rainbow, Reading Rainbow!

Anyway, Candice Wins but has Torrie spank her than spanks a puppy (no, not a monkey, puppy).

Random Commercial Thought: King of the Lost World is the Asylum Films version of King Kong, makers of such films as Snakes on a Train.

Back to the show where they show clips from the awesome Davey Boy Smith/Bret Hart match for the title. It was a sweet match if you’ve never seen it before. Orton is here and here comes Hardy and there he goes.

Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton

Hardy goes nuts on Orton, slinging the son of a bitch around and sending him crashing into the corner. Hardy reels up and swings forward with a double kick to the gut on Orton. Orton is set up against the ropes and Hardy send shim over, following through with a spring board whisper on the wind to crush them both as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I like myself a good dirge.

Back to the match. Orton is using his patented headlock of doom (take a shot). Hardy hits a flips back mule kick on Orton to send him outside then suicide dives into him. Back inside, Orton picks up two and soon after, Hardy’s high flying offense is shut off to send both men down. Hardy starts clothing and dodges a big dropkick to set up his low blow leg drop. Hardy hits a dropkick off the second turnbuckle for two. JR notes that our ref is slow as hell and trashes the governor of New Orleans in the process. Awesome. Orton picks up two on Hardy and sets up for a power bomb which is countered into a Hurricanrana. Orton sends Hardy to the turnbuckle next, but he runs up to try a cross body, but Orton counters with a dropkick for two.

Hardy hits a neckbreaker on Orton and goes up top for the Swanton, but Orton rolls out to the outside. Orton taunts Jeff from ringside and the ref holds Hardy back. While the ref is busy Carlito comes up and shoves Orton back to the ring. Hardy chokes Orton out until the ref reprimands him and while he’s doing that Carlito spits the apple in Orton’s face. Hardy hits the Twist of Fate and the Swanton (which JR calls a Twist of Fate as well) for the win.
Winner: Hardy

In the back, Shane brings cops to the DX locker room and Hunter asks if that is a gun in his pocket or if he’s happy to see him. Anyway, Shane orders the pranks stopped before Vince cracks and tells them to grow up at which point they cite all of Vince’s childish antics and pimp the McMahon DVD like it was a diva as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Here comes the sun (do do dodo)

Back to the show where they run a thing about The Marine. The highlanders are next to be commentators as we get going for the Tag Team Titles.

World Tag Team Champions The spirit Squad vs. Eugene & Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Eugene starts on Mikey and hits him with a reverse Manhattan drop that sends him to the outside with his teammate. Eugene kicks them over to the announce table where JR, King and the Highlanders get some man ass. A fight break out and the ref gets pissed, ejecting two squad members and then the Highlanders from ringside. Mitch manages to stay. Eugene gets a chant started for him as the Squad begins to working him over, Hacksaw having to be kicked back to the apron before a two count on the retarded one. Eugene flails and escapes his ass beating to tag in Hacksaw. The squad exposes a turnbuckle in the confusion and Hacksaw starts clubs cheerleaders like a serial killer, only to get rammed into the turnbuckle and rolled up.
Winners: Spirit Squad

Umaga’s music interrupts The Squad’s and JR says it’s a Katrina size tragedy headed to the ring for his second heartless joke of the night. The Samoan spikes Eugene like the prom punch and Ass Crashes Duggan before Spiking Eugene again. They pimp DX and the Nitro Press Conference as we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I was missing. Put me on a milk carton.

Back to the show. They replay what happened to Mick Foley and Nitro and Melina head to the ring. Johnny Nitro cuts a promo that makes me want to take a valium so I can feel as lackluster as he seems to be during this speech. The only thing good about this really is that they make it like a real press conference with the cameramen. Melina takes over to talk down Mick for wanting her body. Apparently she’s a star and Nitro is a star and eventually they’ll burn out their fuel supplies and collapse in upon themselves. (Maybe that last part didn’t happen) She says she put Mick out of his misery and the crowd is beginning to get restless here for something interesting. Funny bit: Nitro’s voice cracks like a teenager’s. When they’re done they just sort of lacklusterly leave making me wonder what the point of that was. We pimp the Women’s title match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Rabies!

Back to the show. They replay what happened to Trish from Orton and talk about Lita listening in on a phone conversation to break the news of her retirement. Lita comes out and when Mickie follows, she rushes directly to Lita, but the ref pushes her back until he can lift the title.

Women’s Champion Lita vs. Mickie James (Women’s title Match)

Immediately they get going and Lita sends Mickie to the floor hard, following her outside to toss her back in for a quick two count. Lita stalks Mickie around and wraps her knee over the rope in the corner for the full count she can squeeze out. Lita starts stomping. Lita stalk her around some more until Mickie powers back for two and hits some dropkicks. Mickie monkey flips in the corner and then goes in with clubbing rights. Mickie hits a fisherman suplex for two. Lita brings the title into the picture, but the ref gets it out of the ring. Mickie rolls Lita up for a full three, but the ref only turns around in time for two. Mickie tries a Mickiecanrana in the corner, but Lita counters into a power bomb pin and holds the ropes DIRECTLY OVER THE REF’S HEAD, for the win.
Winner: Lita

Off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: What's with Metal Bands giving themselves religious names? Is that so you can tell they hate religion? Or just because they think they’re required?

Back to the show. They replay Cena/Edge and DX is here. Oh joy! They do they're usual spiel and Shane comes out to introduce Regal, Finlay and Kennedy as we go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: Balls and Bitches. How appropriate.

Back to the match.

William Regal, Mr. Kennedy (KENNEDY!) & US Champion Fit Finlay w/ Leprachaun w/o Pot o’ Gold vs. Degeneration X w/o Incredibly long title

Regal started with Michaels and during the break and Shawn is getting beat down with forearm shots. Regal sends Michaels to the corner who tries to fight loose and Michaels gets clotheslines by Finlay on the outside for Finlay to lift the leprechaun into a splash on Michaels. Back in the ring, Hunter break up a pin at two and Finlay face slams Michaels into the apron while Kennedy his lower body in the ring and the ref deal with Regal and Hunter. Finlay tags in and crushes Michaels with clothesline before hitting a cannonball ass drop for two.

Michaels fights out of a submission, but he gets sent right back down and Finlay tags in Regal. Regal hits him only a few times before Finlay tag back in a misses a charge to the corner where his shoulder meet the ring post. Michaels tries to crawl for the tag as Finlay holds his foot then tags in Regal. Michaels leaps and makes the tag and Hunter cleans house. Regal eats a facebuster and Kennedy is sent to the outside. Triple H hits the spine buster on Finlay then tries a Pedigree on Regal, but Kenny clotheslines him and Regal trips him. Kenny misses his top rope dive. Hunter sends Kennedy back out. Michaels has the ref distracted while Regal takes a chair at Hunter. Hunter dodges for Finlay to eat it. One Pedigree on Regal and its over.
Winners: DX

Shane cuts their music and invites Big Show out. DX tries to double team him but the numbers overtake them in a short while, Michaels getting racked on a ring post. Finlay takes Hunter down with his shalaylea (sp?) and Vince arrives next with a lead pipe. Vince goes nuts with the pipe (Ha Ha...nuts) and hits Michaels with a camera. Shane gives Hunter a finishing blow with the pipe. Vince grabs a microphone and says it isn’t over until he says it is over and next time it will be he, Shane and Big Show and they’ll give us our obligatory Hunter in a Cage match for the year when it is Hell in a Cell. Vince and Shane celebrate as we go off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Jeff/Orton was pretty damn good even if Hardy didn’t win clean since we have to continuously put over that Orton is a ring God and can only lose to legends or some shit.

Lowlight of the Night: Paddle on a Pole Match, I feel like I’m still watching the Diva Search.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).