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WWE RAW RANT: (04/06/09) By Cameron Burge
Welcome back to Raw! It’s the night after Wrestlemania, the night after which nothing can ever be the same…no wait that’s not right….Oh right. The night where everything remains exactly the same! Yay! Despite a killer card, we can’t help but think we are living a Rerun. Anyway, if you missed Wrestlemania, you should watch last year’s and you’ll pretty much have the same results card to look at. Highlight of the Night? Santina Marella. I would totally hit that….what do you mean it’s a trap?

Raw 04.06.09

Show opens with some Wrestlemania hype shots and then Randy Orton takes a slow stroll out to the ring. His topic of discussion? Mostly butt hurt whining. He threatens the McMahons in order to get a title shot rematch. Somehow methinks threatening your boss’ physical well-being is not a good way to get what you want at work. He says he should expand to Linda and the grandkids. He’d probably be doing everyone a favor. Randy seems to be having an orgasm at the thought of Raping…er I mean beating children. Yes, beating. Someone takes offense to this as Vinnie Mac arrives in a suit it looks like he stole off The Joker.

Orton runs from the ring to the entrance and Vince gets on the mic to tell him to get his ass back in the ring right now. Vince says he won’t give him a rematch. Vince says Legacy will be in the ring at No Mercy against Shane, Vince and Triple H. Orton says he is hiding behind Shane and Hunter, because he’s terrified. Nah, he probably just smells bad. Orton demands a one on one match and decides to claim he crushed Vince’s skull with his foot before. I have to wonder who fixed it for him then since it’s looking pretty good. Vinnie accepts the challenge as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: This is why you can’t have nice things.

Back to the show where Mix and Morrison are here for a Lumberjack rematch for the new Unified tag titles, something that should have happened ages ago. Primo and Carlito are packing as much bling as the black men on Welfare at the Wal-Mart down the street.

Unified Tag Team Champions Carlito & Primo Colon vs. John Morrison & The Mix (Tag Team Championship Lumberjack Match)

Morrison, who forgot to wash his hair today, tangles up with Carlito, who stole his pants from Tajiri. Carlito botches a springboard elbow from the middle rope, going way too high and Morrison has to throw himself into it for a two count. Primo makes the tag and picks up a quick two count of his own before Morrison tries to toss him out in the corner. Primo handstands in the corner and delivers a head scissors, but the crowd seems to not give a shit about this match at all. Probably because they don’t know who any of the guys out here are. Morrison tries to knock Primo to the floor, but he keeps holding onto the ropes and leaps over to a dropkick, sending him to the floor. Morrison receives an ass-beating on the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: In Plain Sight is crap. Have I mentioned that enough yet?

Back to the show where Primo is getting double teamed by quick exchanges of tags. Miz keeps the pressure on but Primo hits a jaw buster and rolls to the tag to Carlito who goes to town. Miz powers back and goes for a tilt a whirl but Carlito delivers a spinning DDT for two. Carlito goes up top but Miz meets him half way. Miz goes for the superplex but they both fall to the floor in an incredibly awkward spot. Everybody else just decides to stage dive onto the lumberjacks, mistaking it for a Coolio concert. Morrison delivers a shooting star press from the top onto them.

Somehow, Miz and Carlito are back in the ring now somehow with Miz getting the two. A clusterfuck ensues and Carlito has the cover but Morrison breaks it up. Primo head scissors him to the floor, distracting Miz for the Apple Jack. Miz blocks and bridges over for the pin, but it only gets two. Miz goes for an Electric Chair drop, but Carlito slips out into the Apple Jack for the win.
Winners: Colons (I prefer Commas)

King and Cole won’t shut up about the draft being next week. They’ve reminded us about twenty times not in the last fifteen minutes. Oh by the way, the draft is next week. Shane and Vince are in the back and Shane is not happy with his decision to go against Orton. He also reminds him the draft is next week, just in case he forgot. Vince goes on to recommend Shane stay the fuck out of his way. Only one of these things didn’t happen. Ten Diva tag team match is coming up, but I couldn’t really care less. Now a 12 Rounds commercials….where are you going?

Random Commercial Thought: Um. I don’t think Baby Got Back is appropriate for a Spongebob promotion.

Back to the show where they talk about Kid Rock last night, which no one cares about. Well, maybe Kid Rock cares, but probably not. And now, Divas. Apparently they all decided to steal the pants from the Spice Girls for tonight. Can’t anyone get their own outfits?

Raw Divas vs. Smackdown Divas

I was too lazy to figure out which bleach blondes are which. Gail Kim tangles up with Melina in a sloppy showing as she tries to flip over pin. They roll around awkwardly in what is supposed to be chain wrestling. Gail Kim leaps over Melina in the corner, once again badly. Melina delivers a…really bad backflip elbow. What the fuck is with this? It’s a train wreck. They both tumble to the floor and the Smackdown Divas attack Melina while the ref is distracted.

Natalia, who is looking more and more like Jim Neidhart as she swells to Barry Bonds size these days, levels Melina with a clothesline after receiving the tag. Surfboard Stretch. Melina escapes to the tag and Mickie James is in with clotheslines. Natalia comes back with power shot but Mickie goes for a head scissors in the corner. Natalia counters it into a sidewalk slam. Layla tries to come in and Natalia tosses her to the floor. Catfight between all the divas breaks out outside while nobody cares that Mickie is coming back with a tornado DDT on Natalia for three.
Winners: Raw

Shane is in the back to tell Triple H to go talk Vince into not fighting Orton. Trips pretends he’s going to try, but we all know he’s hoping on getting that inheritance. We get a pimping for some weird ten man All Star Wrestlemania Tag match which just baffles me as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Gillette shaves your face with chairs.

Back to the show where we get a replay of JBL quitting when Joker-Rey beat him last night. Why so serious? And now, Jeff Hardy. He’s teaming up with Cena, Rey, CM Punk, and the corpse of Ricky the Dragon. The heels take a great deal of time to enter to. Actually I could have made a sandwich during all of this and not missed it all.

Random Commercial Thought: Grand Theft Auto on the DS is actually good.

World Heavyweight Champion John Cena & Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio & CM Punk & Jeff Hardy & The Corpse of Ricky Steamboat vs. Chris Jericho & Kane & Big Show & Matt Hardy & Edge

Back to the match already in progress. Jeff and Edge are in the ring with Edge on te offensive. They both clothesline each other in an almost lazy manner, kind of casually falling down. Everyone seems really out of it tonight. Cena delivers a shoulder block and arm wrench before signaling a tag to Ricky. Steamboat goes up top for a karate chop and a hook kick for two. Standing Arm bar applied as the crowd chants “You Still Got It” for Dragon. Steamboat with a cross body for two but Edge gets a cheap shot and tags in Kane. Dragon ducks a hook and takes out the leg, delivering chops and dodging a corner charge. Jericho runs into a chop to the face and Dragon takes out the heels by himself. He dropkicks Kane’s knee and goes up top for a chop to the skull. Kane finally floors him with a side slam.

Jericho tags in and works Steamboat over before Big Show makes the tag and starts to toss Ricky into the corner. Steamboat tries to power back with chops but Big Show delivers a head butt and tags back out to Jericho. Headlock of doom from Jericho. Ricky rallies back and breaks free. Dragon fights back but Jericho trips him up into the Walls. Ricky counters into a small package and picks up a two. He flips out of a back suplex and CM Punk flies into the ring. Knee lift leads into the Pepsi One in the corner. Punk knocks the heels off the apron but Big Show catches him and Kane hits him from behind. Jericho picks up a measly one count for it.

Random Commercial Thought: Again?!

Back to the match…again. Mind if I get to actually see some of this match? CM Punk is headhunting his way away from Kane, but Kane runs him down with a big boot and tags out to Matt Hardy. Hardy holds him still for Edge to come in, seemingly not caring Edge totally fucked his girlfriend behind his back in real life. Edge doesn’t stay in long either and Big Show is in to deliver a head butt to Punk. He stretched the arm out, by standing on Punk and pulling. Shushed chops to the chest in the corner and Big Show tags in Edge hard enough to hurt his hand. Funny moment there. Edge hits Punk like once before tagging out to Kane. Kane puts Punk up top and of course this goes as well as you might expect. Punk leaps off but right into a choke slam. Punk counters it into a DDT in mid slam and crawls to the tag.

Jeff Hardy comes in with Edge and delivers several clotheslines and the below the belt leg drop. He picks up a two count and takes Edge to the corner for Whisper in the Wind. Matt breaks things up and Jeff tosses him to the floor while making the tag to Cena. Jeff leaps over the ropes to Matt. Cena goes for Edge but Big Show is in. Big Show hoists Cena who tags in Mysterio blind. Cena and Show tumble to the floor and Mysterio comes in, setting up a 619 on Edge. Jericho gets in the way but eats a head scissors an they take a double 619. Ricky delivers a top rope cross body to edge as Rey delivers a top rope splash to Jericho for the three, despite Jericho not being legal.
Winners: Faces

They all leave Ricky to celebrate by himself in the ring. Elsewhere, having taken the longest walk to a dressing room in the back of all time, Triple H finally arrives in Vince’s office. Trips tells him he’s a stubborn SOB and he’s proud of him. He asks for a favor, for him to finish it. But I bet he forgot his cheat sheet with all the Fatality inputs on it at home.

Random Commercial Thought: I want to play video games with Ozzy.

Back to the show where they thank AC/DC for the theme song. Little known fact, that isn’t excerpts form the same song every week, but rather AC/DC still playing the song, having forgotten what they were doing in the first place. Vickie and Chavo are out for her to get more heat than anyone else tonight. She says she had received an ultimatum to pick which show to be the GM of. She is going to be the GM for Raw. Oh yay…..damnit. I miss Adamle. She says Raw is now stale and stagnant which is redundant but true. She says Edge will get a rematch for the belt at Backlash. For some reason she laughs about this. She also says the six man tag match will be for the title, with Orton or Trips able to win the match by anyone. Um, how come she can make matches for both show’s title still? And when did Russo start writing Raw again?

She interrupts the announcers as they are talking to remember to say that Edge and Cena will be in a last man standing match at Backlash. Whoops. This is what we get to look forward too? They run a video package about Mania before we see Legacy getting ready in the back.

Random Commercial Thought: I can make my mother cry without drugs. Drugs just make it funny.

Back to the show. I have to mention that Sinbad is also coming to town and only 10+ years past his relevancy! Wichita is on top of the pulse of the populace. WWE Superstars premiers this Thursday as well. They don’t really explain what it is, but it’s insinuated to be some kind of clip show for particular superstars or something. And now a Hall of Fame recap. Koko did not unfortunately show up with the original Frankie on his shoulder looking like a fried chicken.

And now, Miss Wrestlemania. It’s that song. You Are So Good to ME. Who was it that had that as a theme song? I’ve forgotten. Santino/a looks like Adam Sandler when he’s in drag. This promo is the best thing of the entire night. Santina wonders about being in a bikini modeling magazine. My. Brain. Is. Burning. Beth Phoenix interrupt the show with Rosa and looks a little um…upset. So apparently, Beth really does literally wear the pants in this relationship. Santina introduces herself to Beth. Beth gives “her” a piece of her mind and challenges Santina to a match tonight. Santina claims to be more of a woman than she will ever be. The unluckiest ref of all time is called down to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: House wouldn’t get as much viewers if his name was Shack.

Back to the show where during the commercial, Santino did a “sexy”? dance. Uuuuhg.

Beth Phoenix w/ Rosa Mendez vs. Miss Wrestlemania Santina Marella

Beth punches Santina to the corner and proceeds to hike up the skirt and go for a spanking. Rosa tries to intervene on the outside when Santina runs but Beth chases him…her? Uhg….down. She hoists Santina up but Santina grabs the ropes and manages to land on Beth for the three count out of nowhere.
Winner: Santina

Hey didn’t this theme belong to the ambiguously gay duo of Chuck Pulumbo and Mr. Ass?

Random Commercial Thought: Why does the WWE Encyclopedia have a theme akin to Superman’s?

Back to the show for Randy Orton’s voices in his head…and Randy Orton. I’d really just rather watch the voices wrestle one of these days. Maybe they have a work ethic. Vince doesn’t have as much of a swagger as usual on his way to the ring. He always looks like he’s dressed more for a bike race than a fight.

Randy Orton vs. Vince McMahon

They stare down for a bit before Vince slaps him hard enough to send Orton to his knees. He delivers another big right and punches Orton up into the corner, goes for his sledgehammer wounds. Vince stomps Orton down in the corner taunts him with more rights. Vince taunts a stumbling Orton and kicks him in the ribs, sending Orton to the floor. Orton’s face gets intimate with the announce desk several times over. Orton is tossed into the ring edge and rammed into it continuously. I like the one really loud guy booing Vince.

Back in the ring, Orton slips behind for his inverted neck breaker. Orton sets up for some right hands and kicks of his own, stomping him down into the mat and dropping knees to the back of the head. Orton stalks and drags him up for an RKO. Orton seems to be contemplating making out with Vince on the ground like he did Stephanie. Orton sets up for a kick as Vince staggers but Shane trips him up by the ankle.
Winner: Orton

The ref doesn’t actually call the match for some reason, just looking annoyed as Shane beats on Orton and Legacy arrives to beat Shane’s ass in turn. Triple H comes down and clotheslines Rhodes on his way by, slinging Dibiase to the wall. Orton catches him on the way in but Trips comes back with a clothesline. The three on one begins though. Dibiase holds Trips for Orton before delivering whatever his finisher is called (who cares?) to Shane. They go back to kicking the shit out of Trips when Batista randomly decides to appear. He as even enough to oil himself before coming to the rescue. Batista spears Dibiase and slings Orton to the floor before crushing Rhodes with a spine buster. Cody rolls out from the Batista bomb but Trips and Shane put him back in. Vince grabs a microphone to say he’s right that he won’t make it to Backlash, so he’s replacing himself with big Dave instead. Orton seems to be visibly upset by this news for some reason.
Perhaps it’s the excruciating pain.

Highlight of the Night: Ricky the Dragon gets his one last hurrah. A good showing from someone way past his prime, still in surprisingly good shape.

Lowlight of the Night: Melina and Gail Kim do something they CALLED wrestling, but was really fumbling around for a minute. Wow that was terrible.

WWE “Creative” Award: Russo-like Backlash main event makes no sense at all.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/13/09) By Cameron Burge
Having forgotten that I had to start tonight’s show an hour early, I completely missed the first hour tonight. Oops. Anyway, it’s draft night and I apologize for having no idea what the picks have been so far. Probably nobody you even give a shit about. Actually I just found out that MVP was drafted to Raw after Rey won a match as was The Big Show. Two interesting picks to be moved to Raw. Earlier in the night, a match was made that Shane, Trips and Batista will take on Priceless. Depending on who gets the win, any member of the face team will get to face Orton next week. They each want the win for themselves which is supposed to create drama.

Raw 04.13.09

As I come in, the Smackdown Divas win a match against the Raw Divas. I’m kinda glad I missed that. Because of this, Melina gets drafted to Smackdown as the Women’s Champion. We have a short commercial while I was getting caught up before it’s off to Cena vs. Jack Swagger for two draft picks.

World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. ECW Jack Swagger

Swagger catches a kick from Cena and pushes him down, taunting him. Cena gets tackled and put down with a take down before Swagger goes to a front headlock and lets him up, taunting. Cena trips Swagger up and delivers a shoulder block before chasing him to the floor and delivering a clothesline. Swagger comes back in the ring and rallies back after a five knuckle shuffle, dodging a corner charge from Cena and putting on a Full Nelson. Cena finally breaks out after what looks like a furious bout of constipation before being knocked to the floor from the apron as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I have sex with sandwiches.

Back to the show where both men have been put to a standing ten count. Cena tries to counter a move from Swagger but gets hit with a DDT for two. Sagger sets up for whatever the hell it is he does in the corner, but when he slingshots himself, Cena catches him up for the FU and locks on the STF for the win.
Winner: Cena

Raw gets two picks. Matt Hardy is pick number one and I totally approve of this pick, but not so much about his new outfit. The second pick is Triple H, who decided it’s not worth wearing pants to the ring side. Both Trips and Hardy stare down Cena from the entrance ramp with indication they’ll thrown down later. Edge then decides to take Cena out from behind but Cena almost scoops him up in the FU while Edge runs off scared. What a pussy.

Random Commercial Thought: The new Star Trek movie could have been about anything else.

Back to the show where Randy Orton is talking to Legacy who is trying to talk to him about how he’ll win his title at Backlash. The conversation is in general quite boring. We are off to ringside for Santino Marella thankfully not wearing a dress tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Big League clubs are not made of tobacco.

We get a replay of Santina’s undefeated streak before his opponent is introduced. The Great Khali. Poor guy. At least he isn’t dressed like a woman either. Beth decides to make a trip out before the match starts. She had Vickie make a stipulation that if Santino loses, Santina will be on the Khali Kiss Cam next week.

The Great Khali vs. Santino Marella

Santino attacks Khali who just stands and takes it like a real man. Santino locks himself in the ropes and won’t let go until the ref makes them break it up. Santino runs into Khali and just falls off and Khali drops him for three.
Winner: Santino…just kidding.

Smackdown picks up CM Punk for the trouble. I love how the draft picks were always conveniently just lurking right off stage in case they were picked after each match. It’s nice of them to make themselves available like that. In the back, Miz and Morrison are on their way out.

Random Commercial Thought: Chaos Theory causes call crimes.

The Miz is out as we come back to take on Kofi Kingston who got himself a new outfit for the occasion. Sparkles are in this year. The Miz on the other hand looks like the Blue Meanie took a shit on his hair.

The Mix w/ John Morrison vs. Kofi Kingston

They tie up and roll around the ring before Kofi works out of a headlock and brings him down with a shoulder block. Kofi signals a Boom Boom Boom to taunt before Miz rushes back in with another headlock. Miz delivers a shoulder block but Kofi is up and leaping over before nailing a reverse elbow for two. Kofi brings him down with an arm bar but Miz breaks to the ropes and delivers a few cheap shots. Kofi backflips out of arm bar and tosses Miz to the floor. Morrison and Miz are consoling each other and Kofi mind games them into thinking he’ll leap onto them. He manages to get Miz by himself on one side though only for Morrison to distract so Miz can capitalize. Miz continues to shut hi down with unimpressive offense of headlocks. Seriously, how many fucking headlocks in a row can one man do? Why is this match still going? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Kingston finally starts to rally back from a headlock and tosses Miz off before delivering some counterpunches. Kingston delivers a leaping clothesline and Miz rolls away from the Boom Boom Boom. Kofi slips out in the corner and kicks Miz in the face. Miz rolls through a cross body from the top for two and a reverse Russian Leg Sweep gets him another two. Kofi needs to take another swig off his bong and recharge his Jamaican powers. Kofi tries a sunset flip but it fails. A Russian Leg Sweep sets up Boom Boom Boom and Kofi gets two. Miz ducks under Trouble in Paradise and manages to score a two count.  Miz tries to roll up Kofi but he rolls through for two of his own. Kofi lands a kick in the corner and goes up top but Morrison pushes him off only for the ref to catch it happening.
Winner: Kingston

Random Commercial Thought: 12 Rounds of boring.

Back to the show where Team Raw is out with Cryme Tyme, Mike Knox, MVP and Big Show. They will be up in a Battle Royal for two picks. ECW is Finlay, Paul Buchill, Henry, Ricky Ortiz, and Tyson. Smackdown is Carlito, Primo, R Truth, Chavo and Edge. Oh shit Edge finishes?

Tri-brand Over the Top Battle Royal

Clusterfucking begins. I don’t even know what to say about this match as people are just rolling all around. Ortiz is tossed to the floor as is another ECW guy who I don’t know. Shad and Chavo are hauled out by Big Show. Primo is tossed out with one hand before Tyson goes after Big Show to no avail. JTG is pushed out by Henry and Carlito doesn’t even stand a chance against Big Show with a reverse elbow before being shoved out. MVP is hauled out by Henry. Edge and Finlay are still tangling up before Edge tosses him. Edge, Henry and Big Show remain in the ring as Edge taunts with his back turned. He sees who is left and freaks. Big Show choke slams Edge and Henry attacks him only to be thrown over and knocked out with the big right hand. Big Show is left with Edge in the ring but when Big Show charges, Edge pulls down the ropes to make him throw himself out.
Winner: Edge

Smackdown picks up another draft pick in Kane as well as a second pick in Jericho. They apparently plan to save Smackdown by setting it on fire. Awesome.

Random Commercial Thought: WHY SIR MIX-A-LOT?! WHY?!

Back to the show where Shelton Benjamin and Christian are about to mix it up. I somehow feel there will be a travesty in that this match won’t get as much time as Kofi and Miz got.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Christian

Shelton starts off aggressive and beats on Christian, slamming him around the ring with ease. They spill to the floor for a moment before Shelton works the arms and neck back in the ring. Apparently they call Christian’s finisher the Killswitch now as they exchange some quick moves, Christian reversing a kick into his finisher. Shelton bombs a cross body before all of this and Christian is on the aggressive now. Christian pulls Shelton out of the corner and flattens him with an Unprettier for the win.
Winner: Christian

Vladamir Kozlov is drafted to ECW much to absolutely nobody giving a shift. I can ear the crickets dying of boredom. In the back, Team Triple H are having a fun little conversation for their match later which seems to have absolutely no bearing on anything and was just there to annoy us.

Random Commercial Thought: I think these commercials sent me into a coma.

Back to the show where Punk and Hardy are now going to mix it up for a draft pick. I like how this is the one night of the year we get to see this much wrestling on the show.

Matt Hardy vs. CM Punk

Hardy starts off strong and just drops Punk right on his chest, onto his feet. Ouch. Hardy picks up the early two count and continues to dominate, delivering a side slam for another two count. CM Punk rallies back and levels Hardy with his punches and kick combos to pick up a two count. Hardy tries a clothesline to bulldog in the corner but Punk shoves him off into the Pepsi One which gets him a two count off the bulldog followup. Punk tries the GTS but Hardy slips out and grab the hair. Side Effect counters and Jeff comes to the ring to beat Matt’s ass.
Winner: Punk

Raw drafts Maryse to the show so that we can up the number of Cape-wearing blondes to 2. Which is just more than any show should ever have.

Random Commercial Thought: That Popeyes commercial wasn’t racist at all….O W8 yes it was.

Back to the show. I took a piss as Jericho arrives to the ring to take on…Tommy Dreamer? LOL.

Chris Jericho vs. Tommy Dreamer

Dreamer starts off strong, hammering on Jericho. Her pushes Chris to the corner and sets up a Tree of Woe before delivering a running dropkick. Tommy is tripped out of his DDT and put into the Walls, but he fights out with a small package for two. Dreamer goes up top now but Jericho trips him up on the top. Jericho tries for a superplex but Dreamer pushes him off and delivers a kick to the jaw. He leaps off with a clothesline, but Jericho catches him with a Code Breaker for three.
Winner: Jericho

ECW announcers wonder why their show is being fucked over so bad…you know, like every year. Rey Mysterio is brought over. I’m sure ECW will manage to pick up plenty of other pointless picks this week in the supplemental draft. The announcers run down the draft picks for us before Priceless arrives and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Not to get back on Sir Mix-a-lot, but Youtube seems to have a major hate for people trying to upload his classic music video.

Back to the show where Trips, Shane and Batista finally make their individual ways to the ring.

Shane McMahon, Batista & WWE Champion Triple H vs. Priceless

Shane is all over Cody from the beginning, pounding him into a corner and beating the shit out of him. Shane starts dancing around Rhodes with punches once he gets out of the corner, but before he can finish Batista tags himself in. Rhodes makes the tag to Dibiase but Batista crushes him. Batista hauls Dibiase onto his shoulder but Trips drags him out of it and punches Dibiase on the apron, tagging himself in. Trips clothesline for a two count back in the ring now. Trips runs into a kick but when Trips tries to get a spine buster in for three, Batista breaks up the pin.

Rhodes and Dibiase manage to get Trips alone and delivers a wishbone split. They exchange some kick tags in the corner with Dibiase landing a dropkick on Hunter for two. Rhodes tags back in and works the knee over some more. Triple H manages to trip Dibiase up when he comes back in but he’s unable to make the tag before being dragged back. Rhodes is in again, working him over but Trips drops him. Dibiase and Batista make the tags. Batista wrecks as per usual. Rhodes is sent to the floor and a running Powerslam gets two on Dibiase. Shane attacks Rhodes, going over the ropes with him and Batista levels Dibiase with a spine buster and the Batista Bomb. Shane leaps back into the ring to break up the cover. Batista shoves Shane and Trips tags himself in. Shane tackles Batista to the floor so Trips delivers a pedigree for the win.
Winner: Triple H…oh and two other guys

Orton stares off with Trips from the ring entrance as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Shelton and Christian was WAY too short for the talent we had in the ring but probably the best short match you’ll ever see in quite some time.

Lowlight of the Night: I didn’t see it, but I bet it was the Divas match. It usually is.

WWE “Creative” Award: Switching up five champions this year seems a little overly pointless in trying to recreate the hype of the previous times it’s been done.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/20/09) By Cameron Burge
Welcome back. Have a nice vacation from wrestling? Welcome to the show with more titles than Ultimo Dragon during his early WCW run. Tonight’s show is coming to us straight out of England. Live!….and by live I mean totally taped! Huzzah! We also have a rematch between Orton and Triple H tonight in a No DQ match that I’m sure will involve more sledgehammers than most construction sites ever have.

Raw 04.20.09

Show opens with theme and pyro before Jericho comes out to tongue in cheek pimp out Mickey Rourke’s movie coming out on DVD tomorrow. Remind me to pick that up and give it a watch. Jericho tells us he is escaping to Smackdown now that the Draft is over and will not be appearing here ever again. Since we didn’t have enough geritol (which Word tried to change into “genitals“) in the ring, Ricky the Dragon decides to interrupt and trot his way out to the ring. Ricky thanks him for giving him the chance to feel the cheers of the fans once again and perform one last time for everyone. The camera zooms in on Ricky so close you can see his fucking nose hairs. Thanks a lot camera guy.

Jericho goes on to say he shouldn’t feel proud because he only wrestled for like thirty seconds in the ten man tag match and he doesn’t still have it. He says Ricky and the crowd are both delusional. This might be true considering the man dressed like a dragon and breathed fire for a short period of time. Jericho demands a one on one match with Ricky at Backlash. God damnit. Before Steamboat can reply, John Cena interrupts. Before Cena can say anything Jericho tells him to shut the hell up. Jericho says it’s his last appearance on Raw so he doesn’t have to care at all what he has to say anymore so he just leaves. He forgot his ball. The crowd starts a Nananava Goodbye chant. Before Chris can leave, Ricky grabs a microphone to accept the challenge while Jericho gets a shit-eating grin. Cena interrupts though to say Vickie isn’t here tonight (he ugly wasn’t allowed trough customs). She said Edge won’t compete, but Cena is supposed to face
Jericho tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Shortest Commercial break ever.

Back to the show where Chavo is out to thank Vickie for drafting him. He says he not only is able to push Vickie’s wheelchair around but he can push around anyone on the Raw Roster. So they throw him to Batista for the reaction shot. Sucks to be him.

Chavo vs. Batista

Chavo runs at Batista and gets Batista Bombed.
Winner: LOL

Chavo gets on the microphone to say this will never happen again and says he wasn’t ready. So Batista gets back in the ring and beats his ass again while Chavo tries to correct himself and say he was ready. He gets another Batista bomb. Sucks to be him.

Random Commercial Thought: A slipknot is not very effective for much.

Back to the show. In the back, Shane confronts Batista to put them back on the same page for the Sunday match. They share a tense moment before burying the hatchet, but not in each other which would have been far more entertaining. Kane is out now to take on CM Punk who they hype up for his double MitB victories.

CM Punk vs. Kane

Kane tries to comes in hard but eats a dropkick. He tosses Punk back to the apron but catches him with an uppercut when Punk tries to leap back in, getting a two count. Kane continues to level Punk, picking up a second two count. Punk blocks a choke slam with a huge kick. Kane blocks the Pepsi One but eats a flying clothesline from Punk for a short one count. Punk scoops Kane for the GTS but can’t get him up. He runs into a foot and Kane sets up for another Chokeslam. Punk counters the Chokeslam into the most awkward small package ever for the three.
Winner: Punk

Random Commercial Thought: Toss her salad!

Back to the show where Santino is out to prove that he and Santina are not the same person and have her explain why she can’t kiss Khali. Of course, she turns out to be on the Titantron to explain she has a blister on her lips. Also, the tape of her breaks and fast forwards and he blames it on Red Bull. I get like that when I drink Monster. People start thinking I’m a cast member of Alvin and the Chipmunks. He tries to read her a poem but Beth interrupts, offsetting the plan further. She reveals Khali will make out with Santina at Backlash. Santino says Beth is just jealous of her because Beth will never be Miss Wrestlemania. Beth is now going to challenge Melina for the Women’s championship as Melina makes her way out right now.

Random Commercial Thought: Tampons make good spill cleaners.

Back to the show where the match is already underway.

Women’s Champion Melina vs. Beth Phoenix w/ Rosa Mendez

Beth scoops Melina into a modified Torture Rack but Melina eventually breaks free. Beth hooks her by the arms and slams Melina into the corner before beating Melina in the back of the head…WITH MELINA’S OWN FOOT. That was hilarious. Melina hand spring elbows Beth before kicking her in the side of the head for two. Beth levels Melina with a very light clothesline that somehow gets a two count. I guess we’re only allowed one interesting spot per match? Melina is put up top but counters with a face buster for two. Rosa is up on the apron and Melina gets in her face, sidestepping Beth from behind. Beth knocks Rosa off the apron and Melina hits a flip over power bomb for three.
Winner: Melina

Melina cries like a pussy as she waves goodbye to Raw. In the back Triple H and Shane talk about how they can’t afford to get disqualified or Orton wins this Sunday. Trips says he will get all the anger out of his system tonight as we see Jericho headed to the ring now and head off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I ditch my friends when I’m NOT high. It’s funny.

Back to the show. Chris Jericho and Cena are out to have their match. It should be good, it usually is.

World Heavyweight Champion John Cena vs. Chris Jericho (Non-title Match)

Jericho starts off heavy, delivering a back suplex after some heavy blows and taunting Cena. Jericho keeps kicking Cena around, dragging him back up only to knock him down again. There’s a big male chant for Y2J before Cena rallies back and gets clotheslined for two. Jericho keeps it up but their start a slow punch battle to the weirdest crowd cant I’ve ever heard. This is also the slowest punch battle ever. Cena ducks a clothesline and delivers his general offense into the proteome. Cena with the five knuckle shuffle demanding more boos from the audience before he delivers it. Cena is caught in a DDT out of the FU but it only gets a two count. Cena catches Jericho for an FU out of mid air while on the ring apron but Jericho slips out and slams him into the ring steps as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: You can’t trust Ford. He’s a Nazi.

Back to the show where Jericho covers for two. He continues to kick Cena around and taunt like Hogan, only without the lawsuits, or lack of in ring ability. Cena gets stomped down into the corner. Cena tries to battle back out of the corner but Jericho trips him up for the Walls. Cena twists his legs to throw him off only to be tossed out of a shoulder block by Jericho for two. King brings up Fozzy as being a horrible band. Wakka Wakka! Jericho is tossed out of his bulldog attempt into the corner and Cena scoops him up off the turnbuckle onto his shoulders, climbing the ropes with Jericho on him. Jericho slips out and drops Cena with an electric chair for two.

Jericho bombs a lionsault attempt but Cena is back with a drop toe hold into the STF. Jericho rolls him up, but Cena counters by hoisting him up. Jericho flips out of the FU toss and nails Cena with the code breaker. Jericho crawls tiredly for the cover but only gets two. Jericho leaps for the code breaker again but Cena counters into the FU. Cena crawls to his own cover but Jericho kicks out this time. Cena slowly climbs up top for the guillotine leg drop but Jericho reverses into the Walls. Jericho drags Cena back to the center of the ring from the ropes. Cena counters with a roll into the STF. Jericho drags himself to the ropes but Cena releases the hold to try and pull him away. Jericho counters by nailing an enziguiri for two.

They battle up to the top rope and both try to superplex each other before Edge decides he’s seen enough of this match and decides to push them both off and attack Cena.
Winner: Cena

Edge sets up for the spear and levels Cena. Edge then retrieves some chairs from ringside and performs a ConChairto for the audience. I think the note fell a little flat. Edge gets on the microphone to breath heavily like he just creamed his jeans. He tells us the rules for a Last Man Standing match and delivers a ten count to Cena. I sometimes knock my friends out with blunt objects then do this to them just in case we ever have a last man standing match. Later I just tell them they fell down.

Random Commercial Thought: Tom Hanks returns in the same movie that was The Da Vinci Code.

Back to the show for a replay of what just happened and Cena being helped from the ring. Rey Mysterio is out to the ring next to take on Big Show for all the more that’s worth.

Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio vs. Big Show (Non-title Match)

Rey is just tossed around and grabbed by his head before being thrown to the floor. Big Show picks him up from the floor and back over the ropes by the head. Show runs into a dropkick in the corner before Rey head scissors him into the top turnbuckle. Rey delivers a 619 to the ass and trips Show for the real deal, but Show catches him and throws Rey down hard for three.
Winner: Big Show

Everyone is concerned about poor Rey, much more than they cared about Cena as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I can fly with a car too.

Back to the show. In the back, Cody and Ted are talking about how it isn’t the same when Orton isn’t holding a title to make their group look good. Ted and Cody think they will have no problem. Orton says it isn’t because the others aren’t on the same page or loose cannons, it’s because he’s so fucking awesome. I’m pretty sure that’s a dirty lie but whatever. Triple H is headed out to the ring now as we go back to commercials for things you don’t need and don’t want to see.

Random Commercial Thought: Sludge tends to fall out of the sky often.

Back to the show. Orton is out finally after quite a bit of downtime that had me pretty bored.

Randy Orton vs. WWE Champion Triple H (Non-title No DQ match)

Orton gets leveled early and Triple H beats him around the ring. Orton takes a dive to the floor and catches Trips with a kick before being through into the ring barricade. Trips decides to waste no time and clears the announce table despite us having a lot of time left in the show which makes me think this is going to drag on for a bit. Orton nails Trips with a monitor from the table and retrieves some trash cans. I’m trying to avoid jokes like “Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!” and “Let’s take out the trash!” right now. Trips eats the garbage (lol) can and back in the ring Orton picks up a two count before going to some stalking stomps of utter boredom.

Random Commercial Thought: CHICKEN NIGGAH!

Back to the show now with more racism. Triple H is crawling around on the floor before Orton tosses him into the steps. E sets up a trash can in the corner and loosens the steps, taking the top half and throwing it into the ring. For some reason he decides he should pose with the steps like Atlas holding up the world first. What’s with the gay green on his trunks now? Orton nails Trips in the face with the steps and tosses them to the floor before covering for two. Orton tries for a through the ropes DDT onto the steps, but Trips slips out into a spine buster onto the steps.

Trips grabs a chair and tries to sandwich Orton’s head on the steps with it. Back in the ring, they commence to brawling with Triple H pounding Orton down into the corner with rights and decking him with one more. This is now a boxing match. Trips delivers a face buster with a knee. This is now a Muay Thai match. This gets a two count before Trips grabs the conveniently placed trash can. Orton catches him with a boot before he can be hit but Trips spine busters him onto the trash can for two. Trips gets a chair and nails Orton in the gut and back with it. Surprisingly few sledgehammers tonight. Orton catches Trips off guard, feigning injury before DDTing Triple H onto the chair. Trips dodges the punt at the lost moment and wedges Orton’s leg against the ring post for a chair shot.

Trips starts attacking the knee all he wants, slamming it into the mat and kicking it before putting on a Figure Four. This reminds me of a theory I have about Shawn Michaels that he has been absorbing the abilities of wrestlers like the monsters from Space Jam. Orton makes the ropes but the hold still doesn’t have to be broken. He eventually just drags himself to the floor to escape. Trips tosses him back into the ring and pummels Orton in the corner before working his knee over the rope. Orton crawls like the zombies from Call of Duty while Triple H once again gets the chair. He should just keep it nearby so he doesn’t have to keep leaving. He sandwiches Orton’s knee in the chair as Rhodes and Dibiase make the save. Since the clusterfuck light has come on Shane comes out to beat down Rhodes and Dibiase. Dibiase pulls the ropes down so Rhodes can clothesline him to the floor and they continue to double team Triple H.

Batista finally gets the memo and annihilates everyone, spearing Orton. Rhodes rakes the eyes and makes Batista spear Shane. Trips gets up in his face and Batista explains what happened, tossing Trips aside to catch Dibiase. He sends Dibiase to the floor as Rhodes dumps him from behind. Dibiase sends Batista into the ring post while Trips sends out Rhodes only to eat an RKO from Orton.
Winner: Orton

Highlight of the Night: SHOOP DA WHOOP…oh wait that happened on the internet while I writing this. Um, definitely the match between Cena and Jericho. It was great and left Jericho looking strong for his switch to Smackdown.

Lowlight of the Night: Chavo’s “match”. Lulzwut?

WWE “Creative” Award: Why do I have to see Ricky in action AGAIN? It’s like having Flair back.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/27/09) By Cameron Burge
Welcome back. Since it would have made too much sense to have titles change hands at Wrestlemania, they decided to switch them all around last night instead. Surprise! Say hello to your new champion, Randy Orton, who only goes to show you can take out your aggressions on your boss and nearby lamps and still get a World Title for your efforts.

Raw 04.27.09

Show opens with Vickie who is happy about Edge winning last night as well. She can barely be heard over the jeers here. She goes on to introduce Randy Orton as well for us. I wonder if anyone has thought to tell Legacy that three guys dressed like that looks more like an advertisement for a Chippendale strip show rather than a wrestling faction. The announcers really run out of things to talk about since Orton takes his damn sweet time walking around slowly with the “Serious” face on. It’s what counts for serious with him anyway, but would normally pass for “indifferent blandness” with anyone else. After eight minutes of wandering around and staring at us, he finally decides to talk.

Orton tells us the McMahon family is all sad and emo about last night and that the rest of us are all the same (Bored and fat?). He goes on to say he is different because he’s actually a success and made history. Like that time he rose from the dead. Or the time that he invaded Poland. He goes on to play clips of him destroying all the McMahon’s one by one with kicks to the head. Vickie reminds us she exists much to our chagrin. She says Big Show and Batista will take each other on tonight for the right to face Orton at Judgment Day. Orton says everyone has to respect him when suddenly….MVP interrupts his speech. LOLwut?

MVP says he’s the US Champion and he doesn’t answer to nobody which is a double negative and thus retarded….and black. Dibiase thinks he needs to talk for some reason. Um…Ted says he better leave unless he wants his first night on the show to suck. MVP says Orton didn’t give him permission to speak. He says he doesn’t have gay models to do his talking for him, Raw isn’t a dictatorship or the Orton Show, it’s Raw. Well at least he can read. MVP says he will beat Randy himself if Batista and Big Show can’t take care of it. Rhodes decides they should all take him out. Orton calls him off before telling Vickie something. This segment is bordering on twenty mind-blistering minutes here. Vickie says MVP will take on Randy Orton tonight. How many shirts is MVP wearing anyway?

Random Commercial Thought: For a show named In Plain Sight, everyone is horribly ugly.

Back to the show that was more watched than the NBA. HAHA. We countdown some of the new superstars on Raw now: Triple H, Hornswoggle (uhg…), and Brian Kendrick who is out to the ring now in an outfit he seems to have stolen from Mad Max. He corrects Lillian when he gets in to be announced with a The in front of his name. He’s taking on The Kofi Kingston.

Kofi Kingston vs. The Brian Kendrick

Kingston leaps over Kendrick but Kendrick nails him with a slap. Kendrick tries to run but Kofi keeps catching him until a cheap shot opens for Kendrick. Kendrick comes back off the apron with an elbow and levels Kingston with a Missile Dropkick off the top for two. He goes to some kind of weird sleeper on the ground. Kingston breaks free and takes Kendrick down with a chop, kick, clothesline combo into the Boom Boom Boom for two.

Kendrick comes back while I glance away to pick up his own two count. Kingston powers right back and tries a springboard cross body but Kendrick rolls through for two. They stand up but Kingston spins into Trouble in Paradise for three.
Winner: Kingston

And now, the announce team talks about Backlash and how Big Show choke slammed Cena through a searchlight. Big Show talks to Vickie in the back about is actions with Cena and when he tries to move in she pulls back, thank God, and they decide to have a strictly professional relationship as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’d hit it.

Back to the show where we get a replay of how Santina kept “her” title of Miss Wrestlemania. Santina is on a face diva tag team….wooooow.

Santina Marella & Brie Bella & Kelly Kelly & Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix & Rosa Mendez & Women’s Champion Maryse & Jillian Hall

Santina and Beth start off with Beth slapping…her…in the…chest….Santina runs away screaming and tags in Brie. Brie gets her ass completely kicked and Jillian makes the tag for a somersault leg drop that she misses. Brie goes under the ring and Rosa chases. Nickie Bella is under there as well…and so is Hornswoggle who chases her off. Beth and Maruse chase him back under the ring and are attacked by smoke. Whichever Bella is in makes the tag to Santina who rolls up Jillian for three.
Winners: “Divas”

Santina poses on the apron and Hornswoggle comes out to peek up the skirt in complete surprise…and pass out. I can only hope he’s dead…nah he got up. Damnit.

Random Commercial Thought: Grease costs me many a phone number.

Back to the show. Matt Hardy, one of the draftees comes out to say that last nigt Jeff proved he is nothing more than a sensitive, uncaring, heartless barbarian and his hand is broken, thus the cast he now sports a la Bob Orton. He also uses some medical term which basically means he has no idea what happened. He swears he didn’t quit and has never quit anything ever. Not even those drugs. He says he had no option but to quit after his hand was broken and he has no option but wrestle tonight. God he’s whining and bitching. He says he is wrestling under protest…and why the fuck is he wrestling Goldust?

Matt Hardy vs. Goldust

Matt runs from Goldust constantly and keeps leaping out of the ring when Goldust approaches. He then sneaks up on Goldust from behind and nails him in the back of the head with his cast for three.
Winner: Hardy

Riveting wrestling action like none other. And I mean that. It’s exactly like no wrestling. Orton is on his way through the back for his match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Weegee is watching you.

Back to the show. Randy Orton is here. Again. MVP is out next with the most inappropriate theme song where he constantly informs us he is reaching sexual gratification, or at least that’s how I read it. Don’t judge me.

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. US Champion MVP (Non-title Match)

King and Cole argue with each other over whether or not Orton is on top of the mountain right now in an awkward exchange that just seems like King is trying to make Cole look stupid which is far from difficult. Orton keeps control early until MVP finally slips out of a headlock into an wrist lock. Orton fireman carries his way out as like a couple of dudes chant for Orton only for a large amount of women to chant that he sucks. The suck chants take over harder while Orton takes control of the match, kicking MVP around. MVP blocks a right and delivers a few knees to the gut before knocking him down for a flying knee for two.

Orton kicks his way back to control in the corner with a few uppercuts and kicks. MVP tries to power back but is once again shut down in the corner as this match just fucking drags. Orton is tripped into the turnbuckle and MVP sends him to the floor with a running kick to the face as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m the most successful business Elephant.

Back to the show where Orton did an actual move during the break and is now working MBP with a headlock. Sigh. Orton covers MVP for two out of a clothesline and is back to the headlock. He claims he does these just to piss off smarks, but I find it odd you’d purposefully make yourself less entertaining unless you just lack the talent to be any more entertaining. MVP breaks loose with a back body drop. They both stand to brawl with reeling punches. MVP kicks low but Orton catching him wit a shoulder block only to eat a belly to belly suplex. Orton catches MBP in the corner with a kick but an uppercut allows for MVP’s Ballin’ and a two count. How many of these People’s Elbow moves are there now? Orton catches MVP in a corner charge and dumps him over the ropes to the floor….and Shane comes in with a Shinai to beat the holy fuck out of Orton.
Winner: Orton

Shane kicks the shit out of him before going up top for an elbow drop. Legacy arrives with chairs and Shane escapes through the crowd. Shane taunts from the top of the crowd. That builds up a lot of Smackdown meter.

Random Commercial Thought: Who the fuck would shave themselves to look like Wolverine?

Back to the show. A replay of Orton getting his shit kicked. In case you forgot, we once again go over Big Show chokeslamming Cena last night. And now, The Miz….yeah I know. He rants and then demands he wants to crush Cena on his very first night on Raw. This comes right after they said Cena won’t be here tonight so of course the person who answers the call with Cena’s entrance is….no one. He says Cena is afraid of him. Yaaawwwwwn. Why is this segment still going? He mocks Cena’s movies and says he’s tired of seeing the same superstars in main events every week of every year. He should tell that to the rest of Raw too I think. And Edge. He says Cena forfeits tonight by not showing up and demands Lillian announce him the winner. He finally decides to announce it himself with his best Mr. Kennedy impression.

Random Commercial Thought: These people can’t fucking sing. Also: Dance Flick?! WTF?!

Back to the show. European Tour footage. AKA bathroom break. The colons are out to take on…Chavo and Jamie Noble? What the hell?

Unified Tag Team Champions Carlito & Primo vs. Chavo Guerrero & Jamie Noble

Chavo starts with Carlito and works an armbar, getting his other hand lost somewhere deep in Carlito’s hair. Carlito counters a headlock take down with a foot press slam that is totally botched. Primo tags in and a double team head butt ensues. Jamie is dumped to the floor when he tries to come in and Primo taunts by flipping around. Jamie distracts Primo and Chavo dumps him to the floor from behind. Noble tags in who is sporting considerably less hair now and is thus much more evil. Noble demands that Primo quit from his deadly headlock. This doesn’t work for some reason, baffling. Noble hammers on the back but Primo counters a suplex with a cross body for two.

Chavo makes the tag before Primo can and delivers a vaulting clothesline for two. Primo walks into an elbow in the corner, but Chavo is caught off the top with a dropkick. Primo makes the tag and Carlito annihilates Jamie Noble. Back body drop and spine buster pick up two. Noble tries to dump Carlito to the floor but he lands on the apron and takes out Chavo and Noble. Carlito comes flying off the top rope and nails Noble for two. Primo takes Chavo out on the apron but Noble tries for a neck breaker on Carlito. Carlito counters into the Apple Jack for the win.
Winners: Colons

Usually when Colons win it just means more regularity. Batista is asked in the back if he feels responsible for Trips losing the title last night. Rather than actually answer that question he just gives a heroic speech to Triple H and moves on.

Random Commercial Thought: Drive by Termites.

Back to the show where Lillian reintroduces Vickie in case we forgot who she is. I wish I had. She once again plays that video of all the stuff Orton has done to people. She decides to make Orton vs. Shane for next week. Since this was apparently a high quality segment we need another break. Man, remember that time you saw a vignette of something that just happened and thought to yourself “Man I’m wiped out and could use a commercial right now!”? Well, this moment was for you.

Random Commercial Thought: Fozoli’s. So we meet again old rival.

Back to the show where Big Show is waiting on Batista to get his equally bald ass out for this match.

Batista vs. The Big Show (#1 Contender’s Match)

Batista powers big Show into a corner but the break is called. Batista tries for a waist lock only to be tossed off. Big Show takes a few right and tries for a choke slam but Batista escapes and tries for the Batista Bomb. Big Show just shoves him off….and we go to another mother fucking commercial! Give me a break….no not that kind! Give me a break from all these breaks.

Random Commercial Thought: Battle for Terra….no one cares do they?

Back to the match. Big Show is getting a two count off something we didn’t get to see because they hate us. Big Show pummels Batista with a head butts and punches in the corners. Batista is whipped off the ropes into a punch to the gut and Big Show drags him up for a head butt. Batista blocks and rams himself into Show in the corner only to be hammered down and walked on. Show stands on him with some rope leverage. He then proceeds to stretch Batista around the ring post outside. The ref is kind enough to allow him several counts on all these things. Batista tries to rally back with rights and kicks but a low blow levels him again.

Scoop slam leads to Big Show dropping and elbow. Both these guys have already blown up like fucking hot air balloons. Go chin lock!…Go second chin lock! Go bear hug! Riveting. Batista starts beating Show in the head and rakes the eyes to break his way out. Show charges into a kick in the corner and Catches Batista only to eat a punch. Batista delivers several clotheslines and ducks under one of Big Show’s own before laying Show out with a spine buster. Batista stomps the mat to signal for a Batista bomb but he walks right into a Chokeslam. Batista rolls to the floor and Show follows as we see Cena staggering his way out to the entrance ramp. Batista crawls back into the ring while Big Show is distracted and barely doesn’t make it back to the ring by ten.
Winner: Batista

Big Show stares down with Cena from the ring and turns into a spear from Batista. I wonder if he’s mad that he lost his match to Miz?

Highlight of the Night: MVP and Orton was unquestionably the best match on the card and even that was pretty mediocre with MVP carrying most of the match.

Lowlight of the Night: Main Event finish was kind of stupid and weird. The Match was just plain boring.

WWE “Creative” Award: Hornswoggle in an already retarded divas match….help me.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).