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WWE RAW RANT: (04/07/08) By Neil McGilloway

Coming LIVE from Albany, NY, it's RAW!  Coming not as live, from my bedroom with my giant TV, it's some guy you've never heard of before, and probably will never hear of again, Neil McGilloway!
Hopefully, I won't bomb this report so hard that I hear about mass suicide around the globe tomorrow morning, but eh, what can you do?  To drive the point home, I'll scatter some tidbits about me throughout the report, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CARE.
So let's get this crime unto God started!

Smug brit walking.  Let's bring out the champ (which I can be man enough to admit that I was legit surprised that he won at WM), and the ever worthy opponent at Backlash, JBL (I laughed out loud when he claimed his title reign was based on dominance.  I can't recall a week on SD! he wasn't shitting his pants at his opponents for the next PPV).  Ooh, speaking of worthy opponents, look who it is to crash the party!  HHH! I can agree he stayed away from the title for a decent amount of time but damn, he's all over that hubcap now.  Perhaps he's looking for a replacement on the private bus?
To sum this dragging segment up, HHH does the usual schtick which results in something similar to the build for WM - guy wins match, main event is now a triple threat.  Makes sense seeing how Backlash is well known to be WM-lite.  JBL yells some more and we're done here.  Commercials.

As I said, my name is Neil McGilloway.  Full name:  Cornelius T. McGilloway.  5'11", 160 lbs., 25 years old.  A real powerhouse, let me tell you.  Hailing from the Philadelphia, PA area (outside of the city, in NJ).  Would you happen to like my Social Security # too?
(I'll admit I missed up to this part so you got my spin on real-time reports.  Being on time?  What's that?)

Umaga vs. Designated receiver of ass-rape for the night (Val Venis)
In a related story, I fucking hate squash.
Punches, yelling, slams, more yelling, ass, thumb, over.
Winner:  $50 for the correct answer.

Fan of video games, I'm currently focusing on playing Tekken 5 online on my ps3 (username:  mcgi0223).  It never ceases to amaze me how much time some people waste on online gaming (I have seen some users with THOUSANDS of matches under their belt on both Tekken and Smackdown! vs. Raw 2008).

BOOBS.  A few things of note though:
1.  Anyone else notice Melina has been a lot more thankful on getting her entrance right ever since she tanked it back at Cyber Sunday?  Oh also she loses a lot.
2.  Hey Mickie James, nice to see you back on TV doing what you were hired for (allegedly).
Melina y Jillian Hall vs. Ashley and Mickie James
Slow-motion hurricanrana to start things out, followed by 1 minute of getting le heat.  This tag match is the basic formula but on fast forward.  James gets in on Melina and as JR puts it "these two will get it on, let me tell you."  Ah, if only.  But I didn't hear any sax playing in the background...
ANYWAY, Mel gets about two moves in before she gets Mickie's knee to the clam (I believe that's a legit wrestling move, right?) and the double D-DDT to add another loss to her impressive resume.  Also, Jillian really contributed to this match A WHOLE LOT by basically standing there and getting kicked in the face.  I am indeed jealous of such an easy job.
Winners:  The team with the good worker and the useless load (that would be Ashley and MJ)
Man the matches tonight are quick.  Commercials.

Speaking of SD! vs. Raw 2008, I never bought my copy.  I won it.  Right here, at TWF!  I will constantly mention that, by the way.  The contest page is on my favorites list actually, so I can show people I have some sort of internet noteriety.  Yep.  Finding it hard to believe I have a girlfriend yet?

As we come back, time for a heart tugging montage of Ric Flair going out to pasture.  I loved it, no joke.  But we've all seen it, so do you need me to recap it?  You'll see it at least 10 more times I would bet. Commercials.

To enhance my STERLING reputation of being socially acceptable, what's my job?  Basically, an IT guy.  FUUUUUUUUCK I rule.

Redneck Rampage (Cade and Murdoch) vs. Batman: Return of the Joker(s on shiny shorts)  (Londrick)
See what I did there?  Old-ass video games rule.  Sigh...
ACK! TOO FAST!  Luckily an inverted atomic drop to a clothesline stops that flippy shit.  Time for the match to be set to "DMV" baby!
Cade and Murdoch take turns wailing on London, with a pinch of rest holds.  Delicious.  Quickie tag to Kendrick leads to PANDEMONIUM which leads to a small package to Murdoch ftw.
Winners:  Londrick
MAN THE MATCHES TONIGHT ARE QUICK.  Trouble in texas afterwards, both with Cade/Murdoch bitching and Orton and JBL arguing in the back with Orton...and Orton somehow looks almost face-like here in a way.  Maybe I'm drunk?  I'll never tell...commercials.

Oh, I'm extremely Irish, and so is my family - to the point where a couple of my uncles are in a local Irish band that has them fake Irish accents while they sing.  I laugh every time.

Back and HHH is here for "main event time" according to JR.  Yes, at 9:50 P.M.  Oh, so it's a one hour show tonight, awesome.  Also, the heels are already in the ring, seeing how Trips NEEDS his full entrance, or Steph won't be happy and there would need to be a ritualistic sacrifice to appease her.  It gets messy in the back sometimes...but midcarders ARE yummy.  Like veal.

HHH Vs. JBL and RKO (sponsored by Acronyms!)
Randy tries for corner fun to start, resulting in him getting punched a lot then clotheslined.  Randy punches back, and has JBL help but HUNTOR must beat ass so that gets nowhere either.  Tag to JBL as Regal looks on menacingly, FROM RINGSIDE.  Man, they are cutting out some serious details tonight.  Arguing from HHH and JBL followed by Trips getting some rest-holdage on while fans chant "Orton Sucks" and he's not even in the ring.  Randy, you've arrived, congrats.  Classic heel tag crap (beatings behind the ref's back) after Orton tags in followed by a takedown which gets two.  Orton stomp then more general stuff gets another two.  Tag to JBL for hits and elbow drops and another cover for two.  Tag to Orton and cheers for HHH.  Wailing in the corner from Orton but HHH comes on back, which is ended with a powerslam for dos.  Tag to Captain Soapy and HHH gets his comeback on him too, which is ended with a sleeper.  Hunter fights out, hits the knee to JBL's face, but JBL stops the comeback with a boot, goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but Orton tags JBL off the ropes, leading to SHENNANIGANS leading to a Pedigree for Orton for a win.
Winner:  HHH
Regal announces the triple threat when IT'S TRUMPET TIME.  Cena's out and gets some serious "you suck" chants (by today's fan standards anyway).  Standard Cena goofy-ass promo, running down how he's beaten everyone in the ring.  Hmm, beating.  This could be translated into a masturbation joke or something...oh wait, I think Cena's "beating" me to it.  John #2 screams for a 4-way at Backlash, and Regal makes another handicap match for tonight under the same rules as Cena had (win and he's in).  HHH and JBL are his opponents.  Though wait, wouldn't it be easier for him to win than HHH seeing how they've already been in a match?  Subtle way for HHH to say he's better?  Probably, seeing how I loves me some conspiracies.

Text poll again, Highlight reel coming up, commercials.

I happen to be semi-related to a borderline 'roid-rager who allegedly beat up a screaming old woman walking down the street one day.  Oh yeah, it gets worse...

3rd tag match of the night?  Man, it's like they would be trying to build up the tag division because their next video game focuses on tag teams or something!  *shifty eyes*
Tag Champs Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes vs.  (Carlito and Santino Marella)
Basic chain wrestling to start between Carlito and Cody.  Tag to Holly leads to some noob abuse to Carlito and Santion when he tags in.  Alabama slam broken up for a DDT, no pin for the illegal man though.  Sliiiiiiightly nice touch.  Santino made to look somewhat credible after getting his ass kicked by a gang of women last week by getting some shots on Holly, quick tags from the baddies to work over Holly.  Desperation Full Nelson slam leads to the  hope spot of the match, leading to CODY RHODES cleaning house.  Must've purchased a new moveset in 24/7 mode.  Aaaaaaaaand, to sum up, I think Santino finally has a finisher - a DIVING HEADBUTT (with the classy salute coming off the top rope).  You know how this story is going to end.  You could say the move MURDERED the crowd response! 
(waits for death threats from people who have sand in their collective vaginas)
Anyway, He hits that after pushing Cody off the top rope.
Winner:  Carlito and Santino
The air trombone is going strong. Commercials.

College was fun, in the sense that I finally broke out of my nerd shell (before subsequently crawling right back in after I graduated).  Though, funny story, I had a roomate who had a pretty smoking hot girlfriend, who drove 2 hours to see him.  So he's playing WOW and she's sitting on his bed, in a classic "come fuck me" pose.  I know because I was in the room.  Anyway nothing happened as she just laid there watching him keep playing, long after I left the room.  Yeah, they broke up, he failed out of school, and I got to date her when she transferred there next semester.  Nice.

Return of the Cryme Tyme shopping network.  Offering handy items, such as a shaker of Rocky Johnson's soul (may have misheard that), Maria's playboy (which is subsequently put in their wank stash), and small panties, revealed to be Mae Young's.  Yum.  Money, Money, yeah yeah, shut up.
Recap of the twin towers (not Bossman & Akeem) from last week, followed by trouble in Texas, part 2, guest starring HHH.  JBL is an ass, and doesn't rape them in the shower.  Just clearing things up.  Commercials.

Speaking of college, my major was in Electrical and Computer Engineering.  I'm barely putting that to good use at my current job.  Not bitter at all, no sir.

ANOTHER DIVA MATCH?!  Mannnn, I sure picked quite the momentous night to try my hand at recapping...
Maria vs. Women's champion Beth Phoenix, Non-title (I hope to God anyway)
New nickname maybe - "The portrait of power."  Want to guess who it's referring to?
Phoenix dominates with some creative offense, and all Maria does is get a few shots in every so often (climaxing with a headscissors).  Crossbody is countered from Phoenix which is countered with a reverse DDT for two.  Beth subsequently goes "fuck this shit" and hits some Phoenix Arizona goodness for the win.
Winner:  ĦAY DIOS MIO!  ĦES LA GLAMAZON!  (I only barely know Spanish, and I mean if she's really Amazonian, that means South America, and that means either Spanish or Portugese.  And yes I am aware this is a waste of time to explain a dumb joke, thanks for asking.)
Commercial time as HBK and Teest walk MENACINGLY.

Cartoons are my friend, and I doodle sometimes at work to pass the time.  Also I borderline pass out at my desk from boredom.

Y2Jesus he needs to get with the times is out now for the Highlight Reel.  Jericho quickly introduces Batista, which gets no pyro.  Think a certain incident may have cost the WWE's pyro budget?  Or a subtle way to turn him heel?  Or should I go fuck myself?  TEXT IN NOW!  Not like you'd be using your money anymore constructively anyway texting for WWE...
HBK out now, walking in his now typical borderline emo demeanor.  HBK has done the right thing!  I can rest easy now.  Jericho instigates the situation, saying no tears would be shed if Ric was still here.  Bullshit.  Have you seen Flair wrestle the past few years?  I cry every time.  Lots of repeating with the HBK moonsault spot at WM, still looks painful as hell. Jericho then is the first to mention the famous five words and Big Dave (the high and mighty Batista!) jumps in to give the same argument as we heard on SD!  HBK counters saying Batista, were he such a good friend, could talk Flair out of his match.  Shawn then launches a stinger (verbally) saying Dave didn't have the guts to give Ric his all, and that's why he wasn't fighting him at WM.  Shawn figuratively has lots of blood on his hands, and screams at dave to look at my hands. Damn, this is getting pretty intense.  HBK then challenges Dave to do something about it as he's tired of the talk.  Batista then just says "I already have" then leaves.  Muahahahaha...Seriously though, good-ass promo from both.
Cena does the walk as we roll to some more commercials.

Seeing how this is the final break, time for a good one.  I'm essentially banned for LIFE from a town in NJ (I had the Police Cheif basically vow he'd arrest me on sight if he saw me in the town again).  Long story short, apparently mommy REALLY didn't like catching her daughter...and while some people on the boards can claim to enjoy rape, I actually had the mom accuse me of it, so suck it posers.

As opposed to, say, stretching out the suspense for Backlash, Regal announces Batista vs. HBK.  Orton says Regal is overstepping his shit, so next week, in London, it's Orton vs......Paul Birchill!  Nah just kidding, it's Regal himself.
Cena out as JBL AGAIN does not get his entrance music and HHH are both in the ring waiting.
John Cena vs. HHH and JBL
Orton walks out at the start of the match and Jibble jumps Cena.  Dueling chants as JC gets some butt pounding (not literally, but kudos to USA if they aired that).  DDT gets two on Johnny.  JBL refuses to tag and Cena refuses to get a fucking offensive move in so far - oh wait there hs goes - or not.  Missed corner charge lets JBL...not tag out.  Knockdown for another two as Orton cheers JBL.  Again, this is a sustained squash so far as Cena has gotten barely anything in for 7 minutes (actually a lot like their WM match) for a guy WHO ALREADY WRESTLED TONIGHT.  JBL tosses Cena out, beats on him some more, throws him back in, andborrows some Khali offense with the nerve pinch.  Cena Supermans out, dodges the boot, and time for some good ol token wigger/marine offense!  Shoulder tackles, protobomb, masturbation reference, FU is escaped twice (may have had to do the spot again due to a botch, but I didn't see it) to a big boot from Layfield.  Trouble in paradise as HHH and JBL slug it out, with JBL accidentally popping Orton in the process as Cena lays still. JBL back in, suprise RKO, which Cena turns into simply shoving Orton out of the ring to take the pin.
Winner:  John Cena

Summary time
What I liked:  The matches that actually got some time were pretty good fare tonight, so I can't complain (much.  Don't worry, I will in a second).  Highlight Reel was pretty fun stuff as well.  Also, two diva matches somewhat surprised me, so I guess I'll put that here.
What I thought was dumb:  Man, singles wrestling took a backseat tonight eh?  Of the two one on one matches tonight, one was a mostly pointless squash, and the other was a match where the winner was not even in doubt (at least mannnn I hope so or I fear for the planet).  Also, what was with Cena getting made to look like a bitch for his entire match?  Logically, HHH and JBL should have had to work together to put Cena down because they already wrestled less than an hour earlier.  Yet a fresh Cena wasn't good enough to stack up to a formerly retired wrestler?  Come on.
Overall:  Meh, I seen better.  They set some good stuff up for Backlash, so good job for that.  Though nothing really jumped out on the screen tonight and made me go "man, good shit."  So consider my shoulders decidely shrugged in indifference.
Wellll that's all for me folks, hope you enjoyed my foray into the prestigious career of recapping wrestling events.  Please don't kill me Burge.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/14/08) By Cameron Burge

Score one for the war on terror as recently the US Military managed to kill one American cat. It's been reported that this feline may have had involvement in the September Eleventh attacks and had purportedly participated in hate propaganda videos with this to day: "Meow". So you may have all been wondering where I was last week. The short answer is I was doing homework. Deal with it. Thanks to whoever that loser was that filled in for me. Pity the fool. Now yours truly hasn't kept track of what's been going on at all, so I'm going to try and figure it out as we go along, else wise I'll just make up my own storyline for everything. It would probably make more sense anyway.

Raw 04.14.08

Show opens with Regal in the back when JBL comes up to call him a spineless puppet. Most puppets are spineless for a reason. For example, Regal is because otherwise Triple H couldn't fit his arm up his ass. Regal says he's glad it was made into a fatal fourway because he didn't want to force the people to watch JBL and Orton against each other one on one. Ouch.

Theme, pyro and whatever the British call ballyhoo. HBK comes out to recap what is going down between him and Batista. I haven't been keeping up with this so I'll fill you in on my version. Batista was confronted by Michaels for stalking him in the back two weeks ago. It turned out he was concealing a bottle of lube and bestiality porn at the time. Because that's what Animals are into. After trying to force his fetish onto Michaels, Shawn summoned Jesus to whip his ass which was the least he could do after no showing for him against the McMahons. HBK recaps it himself, but my version was better, so there you go. HBK says he's tired of apologizing for his past. Yeah, I agree. Get over it, slavery happened! He says he will kick Batista's teeth down his throat which I'm sure would be very rough to swallow. Flair's music interrupts and we do not get Ric Flair, instead we get just a long and awkward pause before Chris Jericho arrives to the most boos I've ever heard him get. He says he had to make a point and we will never hear that music again because of Michaels. Actually I have the theme to Space Odyssey on my computer. So fuck you Jericho.

Jericho goes on a rant about how Shawn likes himself the most. He even suggests Shawn may have come up with the idea for Vince to make that retirement stipulation. All of a sudden Shawn kicks him in the face and says it felt good before leaving.

Random Commercial Thought: Grand Theft Auto- hey look we updated the graphics!

Back to the show with some tag team action for the #1 Contendership which as we know means they will never actually get a title shot.

Londrick vs. Santino & Carlito (Tag Team #1 Contender's Match)

London starts off with Santino and teases him. Santino trips a kick and London trips him up into a side headlock pin for two. I really stopped paying attention to this match for a while so I'll replace it with what I think might have happened. Santino breaks out of the headlock and proceeds to jump on top of London and Kendrick's heads, scoring 200 points. He then rescues a princess from a hammer-tossing turtle. Somehow Carlito scores a backstabber.

Winners: Santino and Carlito

After the match Carlito cuts a promo on the champs that is mostly gibberish. He's been taking vocational training from Khali.

Random Commercial Thought: Cheese.

Back to the show where Mickie James and Beth Phoenix are about to get it on..in a match. Perverts.

Women's Champion Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James (Women's Title Match)

Beth dominates from step one. She crushes Mickie James in the corner and then scores a slingshot suplex on her as well. Mickie tries a crazy Rey Mysterio flippy dippy bullshit and gets caught in some Chicken Wings (not fried). She manages to escape onto Beth's shoulder and shoves her into the corner repeatedly. Mickie kicks low and starts fighting her off. Slopping head scissors and flying forearm follow. Mickie screams and goes for her DDT but Beth rams her into the corner to block it. Beth stomps her down into the floor and the ref chews her own, but not in the good way. Poor guy. Mickie is up top now and knees Beth away. She tries to just sit on her face, but they botch it, however it gets two anyway. Back to the chicken wing. Mickie rolls forward through the chicken wing and picks up the three.

Winner: Mickie James Big pop for Mickie.

Random Commercial Thought: More Predator than ever before!

Back to the show where Mickie is still celebrating and Ashley and Maria are with her. She makes out with Tard because she's so excited and the fag falls on his ass. In the back, Regal has to tell some random jackass that he wants to beat "The very best in the world" so I can only assume they got Bret Hart to come back for the night instead of that Orton retard. Jericho shows up to beg for a match with Michaels and Regal pits him against Umaga for the IC belt instead.

Random Commercial Thought: USA needs to make new commercials for when it runs Pirates of the Caribbean.

Mick Foley will be in Anamorph. What. The. Fuck. Back to the ring for Cryme Tyme. JTG just yells Yo at the crackers. They eventually get interrupted by Cade and Murdoch. We find out Cade gave Murdoch a pep talk in the back.

JTG w/ Shad Gaspar vs. Trevor Murdoch w/ Lance Cade

JTG gets ran right the hell over with a foot to the face for two. A Clothesline picks up another two as Rednecks no a good deal about clotheslines. Murdoch attacks JTG a little more before JTG rolls through some type of move I didn't see to get the surprise pin.

Winner: JTG

Cade and Murdoch stare down in the ring before Cade just pats him on the shoulder and leaves Murdoch looking confused. We see Orton literally walking in slow motion in the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Super smash Bros Brawl would be way more fun right now than that match just was.

Back to the show. Can't wait for the return of King of the Ring actually. Should be interesting. Orton returns to the ring to say people call him lucky, like that legless blind hobo. Regal comes out to the most massive pop in the history of ever.

William Regal vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton (Non-title Match)

They tie up with huge Let's Go Regal chants. Regal pounds Orton into the corner and drags him out with a headlock. Regal looks intense but Orton just looks retarded. Orton puts on an overhead wristlock but Regal kicks the legs out from under him for two and a big pop. Regal keeps strength battling him back to the mat for one counts. Big chants begin again. Test of strength continues until Orton tries to suplex out only for Regal to switch it up into a body scissors. They fight back to a standing position and the inverted backbreaker catches Regal. JR says the RKO can come at any place. Even in your favorite restaurant, you could be enjoying the chicken salad when suddenly BAM, You're face first on the table, salad everywhere. Orton tackles and starts punching Regal down to the mat. King goes on about how awesome England is despite bitching about it many times. Orton tries an abdominal stretch but Regal picks him up and drops him right on his head awesomely for two. Orton looks to be knocked for a loop as the ref holds Regal in the ring with Orton outside.

Orton comes back in to a suplex for two. Exploder suplexes and a sharp knee lift gets another two with Orton saving himself with a foot on the rope. Orton then does an RKO for the win. Seriously, no other offense.

Winner: Orton

Hmm. Gay.

Random Commercial Thought: I'm currently debating whether or not global warming was caused by the hot air put out by politicians.

Umaga is here to hit the ring.and then get into the ring. The ring never did anything to him. Jericho follows suit, still rubbing his jaw. Lillian introduces them after they get to the ring as she did once before tonight. Weird. I don't remember this being boxing.

Umaga vs. Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho (Intercontinental Title Match)

Jericho tries being quick, but Umaga ain't having that shit. Jericho tries a sunset flip which Umaga counters into a sit down. Jericho dodges and dropkick him in the face for one. Umaga finally shuts him down with a strike to the face. Jericho fights back and tries to come off the ropes with a clothesline but Umaga runs him over. Jericho is sent to the corner and catches a charge with an elbow. Umaga counters a counter charge from Jericho with a clothesline and body splashes for two. Jericho delivers a running dropkick to reel Umaga against the ropes but his second running assault has Umaga catching him and pressing him right over the ropes to the floor.

Random Commercial Thought: Babies look like trolls.

Back to the show where Jericho is delivering mounted punches in the corner until Umaga just tosses him off and starts bitchsmacking Jericho around on the ground, locking on a nerve hold, also known as the Samoan Orton-lock. Jericho escapes and pulls the ropes down during the charge to make Umaga spill to the floor. Umaga eats a baseball slide and for the upteenth time Jericho casually runs into a clothesline. Back in the ring, Jericho sneaks in a kick to the balls. Jericho tries to suplex Andre.I mean Umaga and Umaga just falls on him for two.

Umaga with head butt and a kick to the back. The crowd is getting kinda annoyed with the length of this match. Umaga runs Jericho down with another kick to the jaw on the ground. Umaga ties Jericho up in the ropes for a full count and then whips Jericho hard against the turnbuckles. Umaga delivers a scoop slam and drags Jericho by the arm to set up an Ass Crash. The crowd actually pops for this set up. Umaga misses of course and Jericho is up top for a flying punch to the back of the head. Jericho and Umaga crawl up and Jericho starts laying in until Umaga blocks an Irish whip. Jericho tries forearm shots and Umaga suplexes out of a bulldog attempt. Jericho dodges a diving head butt and hit's a running dropkick before going for the Walls. Umaga fights out with a throat shot but runs into a foot. Jericho then runs into a Samoan drop for two. Jericho runs into a chokes ad Umaga boffs the spike when Jericho ducks. Jericho eats a kick, but falls into the corner where he ducks a body splash. Umaga smacks his head in the corner and Jericho rolls him up for three.

Winner: Jericho

Random Commercial Thought: A new breed of terror. No it does not involve Mae Young's vagina.

Back to the show where Burchill and Hacksaw are gonna get it on. Now here we have a guy who wants to have sex with his sister and a guy who probably HAS had sex with his sister.

Paul Burchill w/ Sister Slut vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan Burchill attacks from behind during the Ho cry. Her hangs Hacksaw over the apron and hammers his chest before taking him to the corner with hard shots to the gut. Hacksaw swings back with wide punches but Burchill puts him back in the corner and crushes him with a clothesline. He drags Hacksaw up by the hair into the curb stomp for the three.

Winner: Burchill

In the back, Triple H talks about how much he's going to rape JBL just like ole Jibble does to the rookies in the shower. HIYOOOOO!

Random Commercial Thought: Are restaurants really that intense?

Back to the show. The entrances take forever and we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Man I wish they would hurry up with those new Burn Notice episodes.

Back to the show and the match already underway.

JBL vs. Triple H

JBL is being outwrestled and Trips pops up with a suck it sign to taunt him like this is a game of Smash Bros. SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING MOVES, JIBBLE. They face off with JBL getting pissed and he forces Trips to the corner only to be forced back for another face off. JBL kicks low and whips Trips to the corner who pops out with a clothesline. Trips now on offense. JBL eventually catches him off guard and pummels Trips into the corner, dragging him out with a swinging neck breaker, followed by a Full Nelson which is so not the same thing as a Masterlock. So not. JBL releases the hold and hammers him in the back of the head but a rising knee is the return on his deposit. Trips clotheslines him to the floor and the two meet outside. The fight starts to go down the aisle with JBL meeting the railing. Orton comes from behind on Trips suddenly with a shot to the head.

Winner: Trips

Orton drags Trips to the ring where he takes a spine buster and a pedigree is set up but JBL runs a boot into his head. JBL hammers Trips down in the corner and holds Trips for an assault from Orton and then backs off for the RKO on The Game. Somebody is shining a laser light in Orton's eyes. Haha, I hope he gets cancer. JBL drags Trips up for the soccer kick, but tricks Orton by dropping Trips and landing a Clothesline from Hell. Trips stumbles up and gets one as well. JBL taunts with the belt as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: A very strong showing from Regal and Orton tonight even if the ending should have had Regal cheating to win as per his character. Oh well.

Lowlight of the Night: Jericho/Umaga dragged on way too long and was just boring to watch.

WWE "Creative" Award: Okay, why wasn't Cena on the show? Did Cryme Tyme steal his passport too?


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/21/08) By Cameron Burge

I have to point out I missed a great deal of the first third of the show tonight as I had no idea it was a three hour show. You'll have to forgive me. No seriously, you'll have to. Because that's how I roll. Anyway, let me point out what you missed of any important for that first half hour. Jericho advanced from his first round battle as did CM Punk who will face each other later on. We've also brought all three champions onto Raw for an eight man tag with their opponents for Backlash. Let's get right into it so we can try and catch up hopefully.

Raw 04.21.08

We come back to the Great Khali standing in the ring for his King of the Ring opponent. He's taking on Finlay it would seem after our replay of his efforts against The Big Show recently.

Finlay w/ Hornswoggle vs. The Great Khali (King of the Ring 1st Round)

Finlay starts off striking for the legs but decides he doesn't enjoy winning and would rather just run into a fist. That strategy doesn't seem to be working too much as he gets power slammed. Finlay trips Khali to his ass and starts hammering him in the face but Khali grabs him by the throat and tosses him to a corner. Finlay leaps off the ropes into a boot to the face. Hornswoggle comes to the ring with a stick and Finlay has to protect him from Khali who gets pissed and goes outside ramming Finlay's leg into the ring post over and over until he is disqualified.

Winner: Finlay

Big Show is here to save the day. Kind of like Mighty Mouse I guess, but considerably bigger than that. Khali just walks away from him in slow motion.

Random Commercial Thought: Iron Man has an iron phone?

Back to the show. William Regal is out to wrestle his first round opponent.Hornswoggle. I hate you Vince. Regal comes down the aisle to drag the midget to the ring. I really wish I'd missed all of the first hour now.

William Regal vs. Hornswoggle (King of the Ring 1st Round)

Regal tosses Horny to the ground and puts him in the Regal Stretch which hopefully will make him a little taller.

Winner: Regal

Finlay comes in to stare Regal down who kicks him in the injured knee and leaves him crying on the ground. What the fuck is going on?

Random Commercial Thought: Kids. Do drugs. You need some damn life experience.

We come back to Shawn Michaels bitching and complaining about Batista as per usual. I'm beginning to think he was wronged as a child, back when he really was a heart break KID. Batista is out for them to get all up in his face and throw down. The crowd seems as tired of this spiel as I am with their What? Chants. HBK says that it doesn't matter what anyone says as he is the man. Fuck being the man. I Wanna Be the Guy. Shawn Michaels pretends to kick Batista to psych him out who just chuckles as he forgot to flinch or something.

Random Commercial Thought: I do not have skin like sheet rock.

Back to the show where Hillary Clinton addresses us. I hit the mute button right after she called herself fucking "Hillrod". What the fuck? Off to a match.

Hardcore Holly w/ Cody Rhodes vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Santino Morella

Holly and Carlito tangle with a pretty stiff and unamazing offense. In fact this match is pretty boring as fuck. Carlito lands a dropkick and a chinlock which Holly no sells. In fact Holly is selling practically nothing here, not even letting Carlito pick him up easily for a scoop slam. Holly kind of low blows Carlito but the ref doesn't seem to care. Carlito slips free of an Alabama slam and drops Holly in an Apple Jack for the win.

Winner: Carlito

Santino and Carlito talk some trash and Cody and Holly beat their asses for it.

Random Commercial Thought: I wasn't really paying attention. Having to watch Bob Holly made me have an aneurism.

We come back to CM Punk and Y2J.

Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk (King of the Ring Semi-Finals)

Jericho and CM Punk trade off quick pin attempts. Jericho eventually gains the advantage and hangs Punk up on the top rope. Jericho kicks the top rope when Punk tries springboard off it, causing him to tumble off. Punk tries to rally back and eventually catches Jericho off guard with a kick to the face. Punk counters a backslide attempt into a hammerlock, dropping Jericho from it with a two count. Roll up attempts are exchanged with Jericho rolling out into a Walls attempt. CM Punk cradles him out of it for two. My friend says Jericho looks really fat and that niggah needs to lose some weight. Running enziguiri only gets two. Jericho goes for a lionsault but the knees are up, however he lands on his feet and switches it to the Walls. Punk makes the ropes and Jericho tries to go up top. Punk hits an exiguities to Jericho on the ropes and carries him off for the GTS.

Winner: CM Punk

When we return we'll be hearing from Senator Ba(theRock) Obama.

Random Commercial Thought: I've never had my date barf on me.

Back To the show with Barrack Obama, asking us if we smell what he is cooking. God help us. Back to ringside for Regal against Finlay.

William Regal vs. Finlay (King of the Ring Semi-Finals)

They tie up slowly and Regal tries a single leg take down but Regal is countered into some kind of back body drop. It looked cool. Outside the ring Regal tosses Finlay leg first into the steps. Regal and Finlay brawl back in the ring with Finlay almost rolling him up for two. Regal gets pissed and nails Finlay with a running knee to the head. He then pulls Finlay into the Regal Stretch.

Winner: Regal

Regal holds the move on for a while before leaving Finlay passed out in the ring. Pimping of McCain (oh god that filled my head with dark images) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I'm worried about America at this point.

Back to the show where John McCain tries to squeeze in as many references to wrestling as he possible can making himself into VinceMcHogaustinflair. We then go to Cena to talk about how awesome he is for a while before we see that we are preparing for Barrack/Clinton in the ring next. Help. Me.

Random Commercial Thought: Forget the commercials. What the fuck is wrong with Vince McMahon right now? Is he a fucking retard?

Hillary is introduced as a raging hulk maniac and comes out with Bill and Real American theme. This bitch doesn't even look like Hillary, but Bill looks okay. Bill shows off and steals the spotlight while she's trying to talk and has to put baby in the corner. Nobody puts Bill in the corner. Barrack has The Rock's theme and big fake plastic ears as JR notes that he can not only hear us talking about what he's cooking, but also what we are thinking about what he's cooking. He apparently smells something in the corner. Chicken? He pretty much does all of The Rock's stuff here. It's actually pretty funny, but I don't wanna see a match out of this..like at all.

Hillary starts off strong and tackles Barrack and lands the leg drop for two. Obama then knees her in the stomach and puts the Rock Bottom on surprisingly well. The People's Elbow is cut short when Bill trips Obama. Umaga's music interrupts to save us all anymore torture and deliver a Samoan Spike to Obama. Clinton runs away screaming like a girl and Hillary receives a Samoan Drop. LOL WUT?

Random Commercial Thought: I feel like I'm dying a little inside.

Back to the show where Maria and some blonde hos from every other show. They talk about how awesome it is Mickie won last week before she comes out. Remember when Mickie was a lesbian stalker? I preferred that character. Mickie celebrates about how awesome it is she persevered before Phoenix comes down with the heel divas. A brawl (that sadly did not involve Mario or Captain Falcon in any way) swiftly breaks out with the scantily clad faces winning.

Random Commercial Thought: Why hasn't anyone learned not to explore weird ass Mayan temples yet?

We come back to a video package about Mr. Kennedy returning next Monday. I hear they will also be setting up a counter to see how long it takes him to fuck up on his return. Lillian looks a little awkward at the lack of response for the finals of the King of the Ring. Regal is out and Punk follows. I like how Punk put his shirt back on before every match.

William Regal vs. CM Punk (King of the Ring Finals)

Regal forces Punk to the corner with hard punches, but when he's forced to break Punk nails him in the face. Punk delivers knee after knee in to the corner before following through with the Pepsi One. Regal counter the bulldog with a back suplex and picks up two. Regal stretches Punk's arms out behind him on the mat but Punk fights free.Punk delivers a spinning kick but Regal just grabs him by the hair and hammer him in the face repeatedly before putting in a chicken wing. Mmmm chicken...Fuck off Obama.

Regal back to the arm stretching, putting his boot to the middle of his back this time. Punk kicks loose again and starts delivering round kicks to the face. A spinning back hand is followed by a knockout kick to the back of the head for two. Fun Fact: in some martial arts tournaments, kicking the head is outlawed. Regal blocks the GTS by grabbing the rope and escapes with a killer knee to the face. Regal battles for the Regal stretch and hammers Punk in the back of the head before locking it in. Punk taps. Winner: Regal

Wow. That was awesome.

Random Commercial Thought: Raven Simone is fat. Not in the good way.

Back to the show. Randy Orton arrives to bitch and moan about how everyone thinks he will lose again. I really would prefer JBL to win it this time around but that's just wishful thinking on my part I believe. He counts down all the PPVs he's successfully defended at, you know, just in case we forgot what those PPVs were so we know to fucking avoid them if we see the DVDs on the shelf. Thanks for sparing me, Randy. JBL rolls out as is customary for all Millionare Texans. JBL and Orton start getting in each others faces when Chavo Guerrero arrives. One of these things is not like the other. Edge is last. What the fuck is with the enormous crotch bulge? God, put the snake down, you are not Renee Dupree.

Random Commercial Thought: Geico > Oil?

Back to the show. Triple H gets top billing for his team, despite packing two champions on it. How gay is that? Cena is next, and I really think with all the long ass entrances we have going on this team we might need to take another commercial break before we even get this match started. Kane needs to drop the beer gut before he pops that Title right off. I'm still waiting for someone in the crowd to seriously injure himself during Undertaker's entrance one of these days. Fall in the dark and wind up impaled on a fucking stair railing. I still want to know what kind of mortician dresses a corpse in shoot fighting gloves. Or is Undertaker the mortician? Or is he a zombie? What the fuck is his story line again? Those entrances combined took over ten minutes.

WWE Champion Randy Orton, Edge, Chavo Guerrero & JBL vs. World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker, ECW Champion Kane, John Cena & Triple H

Orton pretends to start off with Taker, but Edge attacks him from behind to catch him off guard. Undertaker delivers a flying clothesline and Old School on Edge before attacking the heel team and sending them to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Mariachi whips Rock's ass every time. Because Mexicans fight dirty.

Back to the match. Chavo is on Trips to try and get a cover for two. HAHAHA yeah like that was going to happen. Edge tags in and a spear is countered into a spine buster by Trips. I like how we conveniently missed Trips getting his ass handed to him during the break. Sounds like a conspiracy to me. Cena tags in and takes Edge through the general offense he's received a million times before. After the proto bomb he goes for the Five Knuckle shuffle but Orton distracts the ref and Chavo pulls the ropes down to send Cena to the floor. JBL takes advantage on the floor. Orton is in with a sharp kick to the gut as the crowd is hot now. Orton and Cena begin to brawl but Cena is beaten to the hell corner for JBL to come in with a Russian Leg Sweep for two.

JBL pummels Cena to the corner with kicks and rights. Short arm clothesline picks up a two count and Edge tags back in. Edge and JBL distract the ref so Edge can tie Cena up in the ropes for some shots. Cena fights free of a lame looking front headlock. Cena then runs into a foot. Orton tags in and leap to a cover for two. Orton with a vicious.side headlock. Orton goes to a rear naked choke and is literally riding Cena on his crawling across the ring like some kind of perverted little dog. Cena stands with Orton riding him and start to waddle to the corner, but eventually they are forced to the corner. Cena and Orton both leap at each other and flatten one another. Chavo is in and so is Kane. Kane takes the heels down and back body drops Chavo. Kane sends the rest to the floor from the apron and then delivers a big side slam. Kane up top now with the flying lariat for two when JBL and Orton break it up.

Clusterfuck commences with everyone going to the floor. Kane and Chavo meet in the ring with Chavo being caught in a cross body but he switches it into a spinning DDT. Kane seems to catch Chavo up top through with a Chokeslam when Chavo kicks him away. Edge sneaks in the tag and when Kane catches Chavo off the top with the Chokeslam he lands a spear for the win. Winners: Edge, JBL, Orton, Chavo

Cena delivers an FU to Edge after the match but then brawls with Trips who delivers a pedigree. Orton runs in with an RKO and JBL comes in to stare him down but Taker comes from behind and delivers a double choke slam to be the last man standing.

Highlight of the Night: Regal/Punk was a really good mach, I enjoyed it and it left Regal looking strong as I remember him from WCW when I was a kid.

Lowlight of the Night: Hornswoggle..the fuck?

WWE "Creative" Award: The candidates match while humorous made no fucking sense. I want to know why Umaga had to beat them up instead of a McCain look alike which just left it even more nonsensical.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/28/08) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to Status Quo the TV Show. In case you missed last night's Backlash show, to which I wouldn't really blame you. Some of us may have had riveting root canals to attend to. The Game is once again The Champ, obviously securing his seat on Raw it would seem, as if there was any doubt he would suck it up and move his muscle-bloated ass over to Smackdown. JBL and Cena were eliminated back to back and then Triple H squished Orton for his twelfth title reign to begin. God, I'm getting tired of this guy. Also there were other matches but nobody cares about those.

Seriously nobody cares about those at all. Ever.

Raw 04.28.08

JR greets us as we open the show sounding like somebody drugged him before we got started. Trips decides to open the show as per usual when he's got the gold. He then flashes it at us as if it were "The Game's Joystick". I should probably be ashamed of that joke. The entrance takes a total of seven minutes, which is a little shorter than usual I might add. Trips announces the Age of Orton to be dead. Age's aren't as long as they used to be anymore. He says he stood behind that curtain eight months ago. Kind of like Polonius without the stabbing I guess. "I hide behind curtains..because I have a fear of being stabbed!" Orton eventually interrupts this reminiscence. He says Trips doesn't get a victory speech (No speech for you!). He asks if he really thinks he is proud as the odds were stacked against him. Orton calls himself a victim of his own success. Orton says he'll use his rematch clause to get the belt back at Judgment Day. That's a pretty good time to drop the belt actually, considering the world is gonna end anyway. They begin to argue over whose ring they are in. I think they should check the manufacturer's tag and settle this once and for all. Orton gets a shot in the face for his trouble and Orton says he can't wait three weeks then so he's challenging right now. He says he'll cut this title reign short just like the last one.

Random Commercial Thought: If you make it to 40 as a virgin you may wish to kill yourself.

Back to the show. They confirm the title match and decide to give away last nights least interesting match for free.

Heel Divas vs. Face Divas (Im too damn lazy to type out their names)

Starts off as a clusterfuck (yeah, you wish) as everyone brawls until Kelly Kelly and Beth Phoenix are left. Who the fuck chooses Kelly to lead off? Beth carriers her around the ring and slams her to the corner. Victoria tags in and gets slapped so she starts dropping elbows. Kelly delivers a head scissors that seems to be all Victoria and little Kelly. Melina tags in and double teams Kelly, delivering a senton for two. Cherry breaks up the pin. Melina delivers a rolling DDT and Jillian tags in. I'm digging her outfit for this handspring elbow but Kelly kicks her in the back. Mickie James tags in and delivers a wrap around clothesline. She tries to attack the Glamazon but walks back into a kick from Jillian. Mickie fights off Victoria and Jillian to delivers a head scissors and a Lou Thesz press. Mickie takes a kick to the back from Layla but kicks back at Jillian and rolls her up sloppily for the three

Winners: The Face divas

I like how so few of the women even wrestled. No seriously I like that. Later, we'll see the coronation of King Regal which I can only hope will be as entertaining as that of Jim Duggan.

Random Commercial Thought: I don't require a catchy tune to buy your shit.

Back to the show where JBL is here to squash Jobbie, er I mean Robbie of the Highlanders. I like how Rory is wearing a normal shirt. Apparently he's discovered Wal-mart.

JBL vs. Robbie w/ Rory

JBL kicks Robbie into a corner and then plants him in the middle of the ring for elbow drops. According to JR the finish is "The Lariat from Hell".

Winner: JBL

Rory, who is also surprisingly clean shaven now, run away when JBL calls him out as well. JBL tells the announcers that Cena robbed him of his chance last night. He is challenging the winner of the match tonight and will destroy John Cena as well. Sounds like he needs to straighten some priorities.

Random Commercial Thought: Chili's doesn't serve enough chili.

Back to the show with a replay of the Cade and Murdoch tension. Obviously this storyline is of great focus to.absolutely no one.ever. Off to ringside with Londrick. King reveals himself to be a moron while trying to Pimp the WWE Kids magazine. I can't even describe how sad he sounded.

Cade begins the match with London and back body drops him. Murdoch tags in and stomps London around, delivering an elbow for two. Cade back in again or more kicks of doom. The crowd seems rather luke warm about this match. I swear I heard a boring chant. London escapes and tags in Kendrick who flies around on Cade and delivers some swift drop kicks and a Stinger Splash. Cade uppercuts Kendrick to the corner who runs into Murdoch and knocks him down. Murdoch tags back in after Cade clotheslines Kendrick from behind. Kendrick casually rolls Murdoch up for three. Winners: Londrick

Cade screams in Trevor's face and he leaves to get a microphone. He climbs atop the announce table so JR can check out his ass I guess. Trevor then sings I Got Friends in Low Places..my God help me. I can't even make this shit up. What's sad is he sounds ok. The crowd is fucking singing along..and applauds. Cade then leaves. What the FUCK just happened? We find Jericho will have Michaels on the Highlight Reel as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I'm still trying to think where why these Truth commercials still exist.

Back to the show where Crazy is going to be crushed by Birchill. What the fuck is Katie Lea's accent SUPPOSED to be? Retard Russian? She tells us Regal made it a two on one handicap match.

Paul Birchill & Katie Lea Burchill vs. Super Crazy (Handicap Match)

Birchill attacks Crazy and Crazy breaks away to tackle Katie but Birchill gets him from behind. Burchill holds Crazy on the ground for a kick to the head from Katie and later throws him at him in the corner. Crazy dodges her and delivers a wheel kick and drops Burchill but bombs a moonsault. Katie up top now with a Missile Dropkick and the curb stomp finishes things. Katie picks up the pin.

Winners: Katie and Burchill

In the back Tard asks Orton if he's had any second thoughts. We get a very thoughtful "No." for our troubles and it's off to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Bacon draws men like flies to a lamp.

Back to the show. Lillian announces the coronation and the lights come up for Regal to be on his throne in the ring. He looks bored. Regal says he needs to put an end to any speculation and that he will not give up being GM for he's earned both titles. He declares himself the most powerful entity in the WWE, besides Triple H's semen. He says everyone's natural jealously won't allow us to like him. Ha. Awesome. He says everyone will have no choice but to respect and fear him as he is our ruler and better from this day forward. Kennedy interrupts. Oh yeah, forgot about that guy. I'm really glad he isn't King of the Ring. King Ken Kennedy just isn't an acronym I wish to be typing out regularly. He says he'd love to be the first one to congratulate him, but he wasn't even invited to participate in the tournament himself because he would have won. He wants to challenge him for the title of King. Regal demands he apologize for speaking to him in such a way. Instead he says his name and Regal beats the shit out of him and kicks him from the ring. Kennedy comes back in and tackles to beat Regal down and it quickly devolves into a bitchy slap fight. Damn British.

Random Commercial Thought: No movie about non-martial arts fighting will ever measure up to Rocky. They need to give it up.

Back to the show. Replay of Cody Rhodes smacking Santino with a microphone. Santino comes to the ring with Carlito to tell us he hates New Jersey and the Sopranos. Does anyone like New Jersey? Even the people who live there?

Santino Morella w/ Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. World Tag Team Champion Cody Rhodes w/ Hardcore Holly

I missed the beginning due to a piss break but I come back Cody in a headlock. Santino tries to pick up a fall off of a hip toss but only gets two. Cody escapes another headlock with an Electric chair which JR notes was a one man version..which is the only version. JR also notes that Cody delivered a dropkick from the Standing position. At least he gets the names of the wrestlers right I guess. Cody then delivers a DDT for the win.

Winner: Cody

Cody gets on the microphone and starts talking like Mario at him. He starts to deliver a soliloquy on them becoming Tag Team champs but Carlito slips into the ring with an Apple Jack to Rhodes and runs from Holly. We go to the back with Jericho in a tux on his way to the ring. Is it prom night?

Random Commercial Thought: It was at this point that my mother began to puke her guts out and was taken to the hospital. I can't really blame her. That match sucked.

Back to the show. It's funny how much Jericho's entrance has been toned down since he was shoved into the mid card never to be heard from by Triple H ever again. Jericho declares this an award edition. He has a Best Actor award in Sports entertainment. The nominees are Magnificent Morocco and Mr. Fuji in Fuji General. He then plays a clip and it is the fucking GREATEST THING EVER. Michael Cole in deliverance Part 2...him getting butt raped by Heidenriech with the Dueling Banjos overlapping it. AWESOME. Jericho calls it creepy but masterful. He then gives us Shawn Michaels in pretending to have a knee injury in order to beat Batista. And the winner is Me, for pretending to care.

Or to Shawn Michaels. Whatever. Shawn hobbles down to the ring. Wow, he really doesn't know how to pretend his knee is hurt. Jericho demands he give the people a speech. HBK says he's really hurt and Jericho says he can drop it now. Jericho says no one goes from pious preacher to backstabbing bastard as fast as him and the podium is probably the only thing preventing a super kick right now. Jericho tells him he doesn't have to say a thing and has them play his music before he leaves. The point of this baffles me. The cameraman is checking out Triple H's legs in the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I am Ironman. Or Plasticman..Yes that's a real hero.

Back to the show. In the back Santino is checking out a Diva's Junk in the trunk ass but it's Roddy Piper. He asks him if he will do the Truffle Shuffle and eventually gets a bitch slap for his trouble. What the fuck? How bloated can Piper get? He's beginning to look like he ate a whole crate of those coconuts he bashed Snuka with.

For the upteenth time tonight they run a video package about the final match last night. Orton is then out to ringside as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: That chick from In Plain Sight is definitely not hot sex symbol they seem to be claiming she is.

Back to the show where Trips finally arrives. Several minutes later he actually decides to get into the ring.

WWE Champion Triple H vs. Randy Orton (WWE Title Match)

They tie up with Orton pushing Trips to the ropes. This isn't really a match I want to see to be honest with you. I expect nothing special. The tie up is the longest fucking tie up I have ever seen as they work all around the ring while stuck in it. Why do people even do tie ups any more? They hardly ever lead to anywhere. The ref has to break up the tie up in the corner and the next tie up leads to an Orton lock. Trips escapes but takes a shoulder block. JR tries to put over Orton's second side headlock since we plan to see plenty more where that came from I imagine. Speaking of which, Hunter counters into one of his own. I'm officially bored. Trips delivers a shoulder block and a DX suck it sign. A clothesline from Trips picks up two.

Trips begins to work the arm, wrenching it around, but a low kick from Orton allows him to escape. Orton sends Triple H to the corner but nobody puts Baby there and so Hunter isn't there when he comes in, meeting the ring post. Trips follows up by tossing him back in a second time. JR tells us the ring post has no conscience, unlike the Unforgiving Steel Cage. The ring post just doesn't give a shit. Trips slams his arm into the ring post and begins to work the arm over more. A small RKO chant is beginning as Orton rallies back and delivers a DDT from the middle rope as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: There's nothing dramatic about Hockey unless it involves ducks.

Back to the show. Orton is punching Trips around the ring, trying to probably think of some new and innovative ways to deliver headlocks. Triple H fights back but runs into a dropkick. Speaking of headlocks, here's one on the ground. Riveting. Orton decides a sleeper may be more effective and Triple H eventually rallies, countering into his own sleeper, but Orton back suplexes out of it. Orton begins his talking stomps. Could somebody teach this guy some fucking holds? Please? Somebody? Anybody? Orton drops a knee for two.

On a side note, it seems both me and Shannon ponder how Jim Ross forms words when his lips only move in one motion ever and not more than about a half a centimeter apart. Orton drags Trips onto the apron and hammers him before slamming him into the ring barricade. Trips meets some steel steps head on next and its back into the ring for a two count. Orton hammers the chest and goes to a headlock. Sigh. If I were still drinking to this move I'd be dead. It's so sad how bad the announcers try to put over his fucking headlocks as deadly too. When the last time he won a match with one? Oh, right, never. Trips gets back to his feet and uses a back suplex to escape.

Trips rushes into the corner and Orton kicks him in the face. Orton delivers an actual wrestling move in a scoop slam and sets up for the RKO. How crawling around the ground helps him deliver that move is beyond me. Has he ever even hit one after doing all this shit before? Trips pushes him out of the move into the corner. Both men up and Trips in with a series of rights. The face buster is next and a clothesline sends Orton down. Trips runs into a power slam though for Orton to pick up two. Orton delivers an uppercut and for all the good it does him the Harley Race knee lays him down for two. The ref has to peel them apart in the corner Orton runs in with the inverted backbreaker for two of his own.

Orton decides he would enjoy an agonizingly slow crawl up to the top turnbuckle so Triple H causes him to rack himself. Both men up top and a superplex from Triple H picks up two. I love how I can type these two counts out before they even happen. Matches only end with Rollups and finishers. Remember that kids. Poke to the eye from Orton with an uppercut. Orton tries an RKO but Trips shoves him off and tries the Pedigree, but it's countered into a slingshot to send Trips to the corner. Trips comes back out with a Crossface, the move he defeated himself with at Wrestlemania XX. We suddenly go to the back during this hold to see Regal yelling at the truck crew. He screams about him being the king then tells them to take it off the air. For some reason they say to fade to black and we just hear the announcers talking about Orton stuck in the hold as we sit with nothing to see..then the show goes off the air. What. The. Fuck.

Winner: I don't know.

Highlight of the Night: Jericho's awards were hilarious.

Lowlight of the Night: Burchill Handicap Match. Are they ever gonna do anything with those two?

WWE "Creative" Award: Not showing an ending to your main event is retarded.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).