The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are bondage slaves.

You heard me right. I mean, look at the evidence. They seemingly wear masks for no apparent reason (they're giant fucking turtles, why would they need to hide their identities?) and go around mostly naked most of the time. The only bits of clothing they DO have are leather straps. And as if that isn't evidence enough for you, the closest person to the turtles? Is their MASTER. What's next, Donatello butt-raping Raphael with his staff? And I know what you're all thinking, what's the safe word? Cowabunga.

Oh, and also apparently something happened last night, some big event or something, I don't know. Vinnie is bald, Cena still has his belt which is apparently glued to his waist with permabond and Undertaker winning his first World Title in years was only good enough to warrant the midcard. It's Wrestlemania fallout time and we're right smack dab in the middle of it.

Raw 04.02.07

The show opens without theme or pyro, going straight into John Cena's theme. The crowd seems a little torn over the champ. JR doesn't even sound like he really cares about this. Cena gets some pretty heavy boos from the male viewing audience but his female fans are "bouncing" off the walls it seems. It's quite an accomplishment to beat both halves of DX at consecutive Wrestlemania's it would seem so what word of wisdom does he have for us?....The Champ is Here. Holy Shit! Really? I would like to point out that no matter who the champ was, the champ would still be here. Shawn's DX theme hits and he trots on down to the ring while Cena for some reason drops his belt in the center of the ring. Crows pops huge for Shawn who declares the champ to be here as well. NO shit!

Shawn says this is usually the time when he comes out to talk about the awesome match they had and how once again HBK the Showstopper and his opponent made history. He says it wasn't about screw jobs, mind games (wait a minute...yes it was) or egos bruther. He says it wasn't even about who was being cheered (Shawn) or who was being booed (Cena) but it was about winning and losing. He says he didn't like the result. He tells us he's sick and tired about having to come out here and tell people they were the better man, so he probably should have stayed in the back. Shawn says that ends tonight and Cena may have one but he isn't the better man. Cena says it's fine if he gets angry but if he questions his manhood it sounds like a challenge so they can go anytime and anyplace. Perhaps Breakfast and Tiffany's would be nice.

Shawn says he currently isn't busy and right here right now, so Coach comes out. Coach says that the WWE Title will not be defended tonight. Oh shock. Oh awe. He says they seem to be forgetting that they are the World Tag Team Champions and need to defend those titles tonight. The twist, is Coach was able to contact all the other brands so he's arranged for them to compete against not one not two not five, but a ten team, twenty man battle royal for the title, right now. King Booker comes out with Finlay and Sharmell. In case you don't know about this team it randomly came into existence last week over MITB. RVD and Sabu are next as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Black Christmas is a Blockbuster exclusive, now THERE is a hot commodity right there.

Tag Team Title 10 Team Battle Royal

We come back and Kenny is being spilled out so he gets dumped to the floor and Masters is automatically eliminated since you only have to lose one member. Masters is pissed. This is a real clusterfuck since you can't tell who it is. Deuce and Domino eliminate Chryme Tyme. Finlay is trying to toss out Hacksaw while Shawn works on Domino but so far everyone is okay. Rob struggles with the Highlanders and Eugene gets kicked out by Elijah Burke off the top turnbuckle, thus taking Duggan with him. Cena and Domino are fighting but Sabu stops Cena from dominating. Deuce escapes being eliminated by Rory, head scissoring Rory out to eliminate The Highlanders. Elijah Striker try to toss Shawn, but he holds onto the turnbuckle to stay in.

Domino and Deuce, RVD/Sabu, the champs, Booker/Finlay, and The New Breed are the only ones left. Cena takes out Deuce and Domino with an FU to the floor. RVD goes up top for his kick, but Booker tosses him while Finlay flings out Sabu. Finlay and Booker start tearing apart the champs while the girls rally for Cena. He starts fighting them both off, but Finlay is about to toss him before Booker has to stomp down Shawn. Booker comes and holds up Cena, but Finlay ends up clotheslining Booker. Cena tries to dump Finlay and he escapes, but he goes for it again. Finlay sets up a sunset flip only to eat Sweet chin music for the loss.

Winners: Cena & Michaels

Coach comes out to congratulate them on their victory in part one of their title defense and sense he had a feeling this might happen so we're having another ten team battle royal. The FUCK? The Hardy's are out while Jeff imitates Chris Farley's attack of invisible bees to a huge ass pop as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don't even know what's going on.

Tag Team Title 10 Team Battle Royal 2.0

Back to the show where as soon as the match starts everyone attacks Viscera and tries to toss him. I don't even know who most of these guys are. They finally all realize that eliminating Val Venis is a lot easier, tossing him to get rid of Viscera. Nitro is teaming with The Miz for some weird reason. London and Kendrick who are randomly wearing masks these days are around as well. Regal's team falls to Tommy Dreamer who loses to Murdoch as well. Shawn is almost eliminated but slides back in as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Note to self, do not open door covered by killer locusts.

Back to the show and JR who has lost his voice is calling the match. Nitro and Miz are trying to pull and push Cena at the same time but it's obvious Nitro is actually just holding Cena in by his shorts which look like they are about to be pulled off. Nitro gets eliminated by Michaels off the turnbuckle with a superkick and then Michaels tosses Cena right over the top to eliminate themselves. Chavo goes powerbomb Kendrick who head scissors him and eliminates them both. The Hardys are getting the huge pops now against the remaining team of Cade and Murdoch. Murdoch gets standing ten punches from Jeff and escape elimination until Murdoch runs into a big boot. Matt's pants are steadily disintgrating in the ring, peices flying from them until the Hardys are crushed by the running boot from Murdoch on Jeff and a slam to Matt. Matt leaps in to save Jeff who gets to the apron.

Matt hits the side effect on Murdoch and a neckbreaker on Cade. Matt goes up top and so does Jeff as they both hit flying leg drops. Jeff tries to dump Murdoch and Matt is trying to dump Cade, but both attempts seem to fail. Murdoch escapes Jeff to hit Matt from behind. Murdoch lands on the apron when Matt knocks him over and then Jeff sends Cade to the floor. Matt drops to the ground for Poetry in Motion to eliminate Murdoch for good measure.

Winners: The Hardys

The Hardy Boys celebrate their upteenth tag teem title victory as I guess this by default allows Matt to be back on the show despite losing that match to Edge that kicked him off?

Random Commercial Thought: Virtua Fighter has been the same game for years.

Back to the show where they pimp WWE.com and then we go to Shawn in the back who is saying he made them lose so Cena wouldn't be clouded by the titles anymore. Orton comes up to say Cena knows he can beat Shawn and that's why he is allowing the second shot, but they'll have to see which of them is really more deserving of a shot. We then get a music video of Wrestlemania history then and now. We then get a first person point of view representation of Vince asking people how he looks. Some girls try to tell him it's okay before Cryme Tyme and Eugene laugh at him. Ron comes up and is surprised. He's about to say it but Vince says now. every time he opens his mouth Vince shuts him up then he declares DAMN and he demands Coach to take him tot he ring so he can take it out on everyone.

Random Commercial Thought: Where has the love gone?

Back to the show where Vince, apparently channeling the gangstas of the 1920's comes out in a hat after Lillian introduces him. He says people are laughing at him and finding humor in the misfortunes of others. He says yesterday will be a day of infamy and a travesty of justice perpetrated against him by Steve Austin. And despite insulting him, he somehow manages to bring up Austin is soon to be an action adventure movie star which as we all know in Russia is considered the single worst insult upon a man one can inflict. Vince says he's changing the record book right now and has Lillian repeat his announcement of victory saying he may need her again. He says he can't take Lashley's hair but he can take his title so he has him defend the ECW title against Umaga. Vince tells us no one will see him bald tonight. Aw, too bad. He's had the hat surgically cemented to his head, you know, despite the fact that he supposedly showed people in the back.

Vince goes to leave when Bobby Lashley's music hits. They start to stare each other down in the ring and Vince starts to look like a Dick Tracy villain in his movements. He goes to take a swing and Lashley dodges, pulling off the hat and not part of his scalp as you would with a surgical implanted one. Vince steals JR's hat but Lashley tries to take it off. He finally hides his head under the ring and with his ass out and the smile on Lashley's face it seems like a homo erotic prison moment. He then hides his head in Lillian's skirt and Lashley tears it off which is fucking awesome as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I can't really see the appeal in Quinten Terrentino most times, we're looking at a man who's solution to a plot hole is to pull out an eye and hope nobody was paying attention.

Back to the show where they replay Carlito and Flair winning. They're here to take on Haas and Benjamin and Tard is the announcer now in Lillian's place. JR now sounds like he's gargling motor oil while he talks.

Carlito Caribbean Cool & Ric Flair w/ Torrie Wilson vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team

Carlito starts us off with Benjamin and Shelton takes control in the corner, keeping him pinned up in enemy territory. Carlito hits the Million Dollar Knee and looks to be coming back until a heel kick shuts him down and Haas tags in. Haas hits a huge kick to the jaw in the corner and a big right sends Carlito down. Charlie chokes Carlito on the middle rope, clubbing him in the head before tagging in Shelton. Shelton hits a stalling back suplex for two. Shelton misses a clothesline and Carlito hits the springboard elbow before making the tag. Haas is in too and Ric starts chopping and punching Haas into oblivion then he follows with the same to Benjamin before eating a back body drop. Haas hangs Flair on the top rope before Shelton goes to come off the ropes, but Carlito dumps him to the floor. Carlito hits a chopblock on Haas' knee and Flair locks on the figure four for the win.

Winners: Carlito & Flair

King tells JR his voice sounds like someone is drawing their fingernails down a chalkboard before they rerun the Hall of Fame inductees. We follow this pretty emotional moment with....Melina's Photo Op being pimped as we go to commercial. Way to kill a buzz.

Random Commercial Thought: Movie's have gone as far as they can go without killing babies blatantly and stealing the souls of orphans.

Back to the show where some music producer is interviewed and cuts a promo that makes as little sense as Snoop Dogg's lyrics. Melina comes out afterward, title in hand while King makes a not so subtle pimp for AT&T phones. She tells the producer she's going to be the one staring in his next video before saying she proved Ashley is nothing but just another pretty face. I think that might be debatable actually. The pretty part. Melina poses for the cameras but Mickie James comes down to destroy her with a DDT and pose for pictures too. King pimps Lashley and Umaga as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Nothing quite like wrecking a car that there are only 14 of in the entire world to promote a movie.

Back to the show. Mick Foley does a segment about Make a Wish and says a wish will be granted next week (I really hope the kid wished for hardcore Diva sex but that's just me). Khali is out from the country with no cities, India. Super Crazy is his opponent and apparently he volunteered.

The Great Khali vs. Super Crazy

Crazy flips into the ring and attacks, getting tossed off. A Missile dropkick staggers Khali and Crazy screams at the crammer, running into a choke hold. Khali shoves him by his throat and Crazy runs right back at him into a brain chop and a double choke slam for the win.

Winner: Khali

In the back, Vince is wearing a cap now in his gangsta mode while Estrada tells him to calm down. Vince says he isn't going to take it easy and says he's going to take it....by breaking the cigar in half as an example. Vince makes Estrada into Umaga's tag team partner before saying he better not fail as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Pathfinder is "Rated R for strong brutal violence throughout." Well, at least they are honest.

Back to the show where we get a recap of what happened between Cena and Shawn and the Hardys winning the titles. Matt and Jeff are being interviews by Maria and Jeff says it's awesome to be the six time champs and Matt says nothing could be more perfect than this moment, except for maybe if he still had a girlfriend but preferably one that didn't give him herpes. They toast their belts before running the premiere for The Condemned saying its the largest premiere of the century. We then have Edge coming out to ringside to complain about being broken through a ladder last night. He whines about Cena, Shawn and Orton because he knows he's bashed Michaels with a chair countless times and Randy Orton is the same egomaniac he's outsmarted over and over. And he knows Cena is a fighting champion who's been through challenger after challenger (too bad they were all the same challengers) but he's beaten him countless times, though I'm pretty sure we can count it if we wanted. He guarantees he will be the next WWE champion before we see Lashley and Umaga on their ways to the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: Are you allowed to drink Gatorade when you play a game against the Florida Gators?

King pimps the #1 Contender's match between Shawn and Randy next week before Umaga and Estrada head to the ring. Lashley stalks out to the ring and the match starts when Umaga attacks him on the apron.

Armando Alejandra Estrada & Intercontinental Champion Umaga vs. ECW Champion Bobby Lashley (Handicap ECW Title Match)

Lashley is sent crashing into the steel steps while Estrada rolls up his sleeves. The ref finally takes the belt off Lashley's waist once he's in the ring. Umaga runs into an elbow in the corner and then Lashley runs under a clothesline, scooping up Estrada to ram him into the corner. Umaga catches Bobby from behind then while Estrada recovers in the corner. Lashley tries a sunset flip and Estrada kicks him in the side, allowing Umaga to sit on him for two. Umaga starts stomping Lashley down and grinding his knee to his face. JR is silent now to recover his voice so King is calling this all by himself and hasn't sounded this awkward since he was caught ordering Girl Scout cookies without the cookies. Umaga hits a Samoan Drop for two and Estrada has opened the shirt to go full manly mode. Umaga ends up racking himself and eating a DDT but he pops right up to plant a foot in Bobby's face.

Umaga picks up two. Umaga stalks the ref for being angry so Estrada kicks Lashley a few times, dodging any grabs. Umaga and Lashley start trading blows until Lashley falls victim into a belly to belly suplex for two. Umaga kicks Lashley in the back and a headbutt allows Estrada to cover for two. Umaga decides to slam him down and go for the cover himself but its only two again. Umaga and Lashley start trading in the corner again, but a strike to the throat cuts him off again. Estrada pins for two. Umaga once again ends up in blow trading and this time the crowd boos it because they are tired of this hope spot. A side kick crushes Lashley again while Estrada stomps him. Umaga forces Lashley to the corner and chokes him out. Lashley tries to rally AGAIN, but AGAIN is crushed. Estrada walks on Lashley's back to taunt him.

Umaga sends Lashley down into the corner, stomping a mudhole. Estrada signals the Ass Crash and Umaga builds and builds before smashing Lashley flat. Bobby looks lost having to sell all of this. Estrada holds Lashley up and Umaga goes for the Spike, but Bobby kicks him in the face. Lashley starts hitting right and lefts and clothesline. He dodges a cross body by Umaga to hit the spear, but it only gets two when Estrada break the pin. Lashley chokes Estrada in the corner, and dodges a dive by Umaga to squish Estrada. Umaga is sent to the floor so Lashley finishes Estrada for the win.

Winner: Lashley

King's voice is also going now as the show finally goes off the air. WWE needs to start sponsoring with lozenges instead of Skittles.

And that ladies and gentlemen (haha! That was the Wrestlemania theme song! Get it?!....Me either) is the show for the night. Come back next week when we'll be granting a wish. We're going to need more oil.