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WWE RAW RANT: (04/02/07) By Cameron Burge

It's the night after Wrestlemania and there's only one thing I want to talk about at a time like this.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are bondage slaves.

You heard me right. I mean, look at the evidence. They seemingly wear masks for no apparent reason (they're giant fucking turtles, why would they need to hide their identities?) and go around mostly naked most of the time. The only bits of clothing they DO have are leather straps. And as if that isn't evidence enough for you, the closest person to the turtles? Is their MASTER. What's next, Donatello butt-raping Raphael with his staff? And I know what you're all thinking, what's the safe word? Cowabunga.

Oh, and also apparently something happened last night, some big event or something, I don't know. Vinnie is bald, Cena still has his belt which is apparently glued to his waist with permabond and Undertaker winning his first World Title in years was only good enough to warrant the midcard. It's Wrestlemania fallout time and we're right smack dab in the middle of it.

Raw 04.02.07

The show opens without theme or pyro, going straight into John Cena's theme. The crowd seems a little torn over the champ. JR doesn't even sound like he really cares about this. Cena gets some pretty heavy boos from the male viewing audience but his female fans are "bouncing" off the walls it seems. It's quite an accomplishment to beat both halves of DX at consecutive Wrestlemania's it would seem so what word of wisdom does he have for us?....The Champ is Here. Holy Shit! Really? I would like to point out that no matter who the champ was, the champ would still be here. Shawn's DX theme hits and he trots on down to the ring while Cena for some reason drops his belt in the center of the ring. Crows pops huge for Shawn who declares the champ to be here as well. NO shit!

Shawn says this is usually the time when he comes out to talk about the awesome match they had and how once again HBK the Showstopper and his opponent made history. He says it wasn't about screw jobs, mind games (wait a minute...yes it was) or egos bruther. He says it wasn't even about who was being cheered (Shawn) or who was being booed (Cena) but it was about winning and losing. He says he didn't like the result. He tells us he's sick and tired about having to come out here and tell people they were the better man, so he probably should have stayed in the back. Shawn says that ends tonight and Cena may have one but he isn't the better man. Cena says it's fine if he gets angry but if he questions his manhood it sounds like a challenge so they can go anytime and anyplace. Perhaps Breakfast and Tiffany's would be nice.

Shawn says he currently isn't busy and right here right now, so Coach comes out. Coach says that the WWE Title will not be defended tonight. Oh shock. Oh awe. He says they seem to be forgetting that they are the World Tag Team Champions and need to defend those titles tonight. The twist, is Coach was able to contact all the other brands so he's arranged for them to compete against not one not two not five, but a ten team, twenty man battle royal for the title, right now. King Booker comes out with Finlay and Sharmell. In case you don't know about this team it randomly came into existence last week over MITB. RVD and Sabu are next as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Black Christmas is a Blockbuster exclusive, now THERE is a hot commodity right there.

Tag Team Title 10 Team Battle Royal

We come back and Kenny is being spilled out so he gets dumped to the floor and Masters is automatically eliminated since you only have to lose one member. Masters is pissed. This is a real clusterfuck since you can't tell who it is. Deuce and Domino eliminate Chryme Tyme. Finlay is trying to toss out Hacksaw while Shawn works on Domino but so far everyone is okay. Rob struggles with the Highlanders and Eugene gets kicked out by Elijah Burke off the top turnbuckle, thus taking Duggan with him. Cena and Domino are fighting but Sabu stops Cena from dominating. Deuce escapes being eliminated by Rory, head scissoring Rory out to eliminate The Highlanders. Elijah Striker try to toss Shawn, but he holds onto the turnbuckle to stay in.

Domino and Deuce, RVD/Sabu, the champs, Booker/Finlay, and The New Breed are the only ones left. Cena takes out Deuce and Domino with an FU to the floor. RVD goes up top for his kick, but Booker tosses him while Finlay flings out Sabu. Finlay and Booker start tearing apart the champs while the girls rally for Cena. He starts fighting them both off, but Finlay is about to toss him before Booker has to stomp down Shawn. Booker comes and holds up Cena, but Finlay ends up clotheslining Booker. Cena tries to dump Finlay and he escapes, but he goes for it again. Finlay sets up a sunset flip only to eat Sweet chin music for the loss.

Winners: Cena & Michaels

Coach comes out to congratulate them on their victory in part one of their title defense and sense he had a feeling this might happen so we're having another ten team battle royal. The FUCK? The Hardy's are out while Jeff imitates Chris Farley's attack of invisible bees to a huge ass pop as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don't even know what's going on.

Tag Team Title 10 Team Battle Royal 2.0

Back to the show where as soon as the match starts everyone attacks Viscera and tries to toss him. I don't even know who most of these guys are. They finally all realize that eliminating Val Venis is a lot easier, tossing him to get rid of Viscera. Nitro is teaming with The Miz for some weird reason. London and Kendrick who are randomly wearing masks these days are around as well. Regal's team falls to Tommy Dreamer who loses to Murdoch as well. Shawn is almost eliminated but slides back in as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Note to self, do not open door covered by killer locusts.

Back to the show and JR who has lost his voice is calling the match. Nitro and Miz are trying to pull and push Cena at the same time but it's obvious Nitro is actually just holding Cena in by his shorts which look like they are about to be pulled off. Nitro gets eliminated by Michaels off the turnbuckle with a superkick and then Michaels tosses Cena right over the top to eliminate themselves. Chavo goes powerbomb Kendrick who head scissors him and eliminates them both. The Hardys are getting the huge pops now against the remaining team of Cade and Murdoch. Murdoch gets standing ten punches from Jeff and escape elimination until Murdoch runs into a big boot. Matt's pants are steadily disintgrating in the ring, peices flying from them until the Hardys are crushed by the running boot from Murdoch on Jeff and a slam to Matt. Matt leaps in to save Jeff who gets to the apron.

Matt hits the side effect on Murdoch and a neckbreaker on Cade. Matt goes up top and so does Jeff as they both hit flying leg drops. Jeff tries to dump Murdoch and Matt is trying to dump Cade, but both attempts seem to fail. Murdoch escapes Jeff to hit Matt from behind. Murdoch lands on the apron when Matt knocks him over and then Jeff sends Cade to the floor. Matt drops to the ground for Poetry in Motion to eliminate Murdoch for good measure.

Winners: The Hardys

The Hardy Boys celebrate their upteenth tag teem title victory as I guess this by default allows Matt to be back on the show despite losing that match to Edge that kicked him off?

Random Commercial Thought: Virtua Fighter has been the same game for years.

Back to the show where they pimp WWE.com and then we go to Shawn in the back who is saying he made them lose so Cena wouldn't be clouded by the titles anymore. Orton comes up to say Cena knows he can beat Shawn and that's why he is allowing the second shot, but they'll have to see which of them is really more deserving of a shot. We then get a music video of Wrestlemania history then and now. We then get a first person point of view representation of Vince asking people how he looks. Some girls try to tell him it's okay before Cryme Tyme and Eugene laugh at him. Ron comes up and is surprised. He's about to say it but Vince says now. every time he opens his mouth Vince shuts him up then he declares DAMN and he demands Coach to take him tot he ring so he can take it out on everyone.

Random Commercial Thought: Where has the love gone?

Back to the show where Vince, apparently channeling the gangstas of the 1920's comes out in a hat after Lillian introduces him. He says people are laughing at him and finding humor in the misfortunes of others. He says yesterday will be a day of infamy and a travesty of justice perpetrated against him by Steve Austin. And despite insulting him, he somehow manages to bring up Austin is soon to be an action adventure movie star which as we all know in Russia is considered the single worst insult upon a man one can inflict. Vince says he's changing the record book right now and has Lillian repeat his announcement of victory saying he may need her again. He says he can't take Lashley's hair but he can take his title so he has him defend the ECW title against Umaga. Vince tells us no one will see him bald tonight. Aw, too bad. He's had the hat surgically cemented to his head, you know, despite the fact that he supposedly showed people in the back.

Vince goes to leave when Bobby Lashley's music hits. They start to stare each other down in the ring and Vince starts to look like a Dick Tracy villain in his movements. He goes to take a swing and Lashley dodges, pulling off the hat and not part of his scalp as you would with a surgical implanted one. Vince steals JR's hat but Lashley tries to take it off. He finally hides his head under the ring and with his ass out and the smile on Lashley's face it seems like a homo erotic prison moment. He then hides his head in Lillian's skirt and Lashley tears it off which is fucking awesome as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I can't really see the appeal in Quinten Terrentino most times, we're looking at a man who's solution to a plot hole is to pull out an eye and hope nobody was paying attention.

Back to the show where they replay Carlito and Flair winning. They're here to take on Haas and Benjamin and Tard is the announcer now in Lillian's place. JR now sounds like he's gargling motor oil while he talks.

Carlito Caribbean Cool & Ric Flair w/ Torrie Wilson vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team

Carlito starts us off with Benjamin and Shelton takes control in the corner, keeping him pinned up in enemy territory. Carlito hits the Million Dollar Knee and looks to be coming back until a heel kick shuts him down and Haas tags in. Haas hits a huge kick to the jaw in the corner and a big right sends Carlito down. Charlie chokes Carlito on the middle rope, clubbing him in the head before tagging in Shelton. Shelton hits a stalling back suplex for two. Shelton misses a clothesline and Carlito hits the springboard elbow before making the tag. Haas is in too and Ric starts chopping and punching Haas into oblivion then he follows with the same to Benjamin before eating a back body drop. Haas hangs Flair on the top rope before Shelton goes to come off the ropes, but Carlito dumps him to the floor. Carlito hits a chopblock on Haas' knee and Flair locks on the figure four for the win.

Winners: Carlito & Flair

King tells JR his voice sounds like someone is drawing their fingernails down a chalkboard before they rerun the Hall of Fame inductees. We follow this pretty emotional moment with....Melina's Photo Op being pimped as we go to commercial. Way to kill a buzz.

Random Commercial Thought: Movie's have gone as far as they can go without killing babies blatantly and stealing the souls of orphans.

Back to the show where some music producer is interviewed and cuts a promo that makes as little sense as Snoop Dogg's lyrics. Melina comes out afterward, title in hand while King makes a not so subtle pimp for AT&T phones. She tells the producer she's going to be the one staring in his next video before saying she proved Ashley is nothing but just another pretty face. I think that might be debatable actually. The pretty part. Melina poses for the cameras but Mickie James comes down to destroy her with a DDT and pose for pictures too. King pimps Lashley and Umaga as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Nothing quite like wrecking a car that there are only 14 of in the entire world to promote a movie.

Back to the show. Mick Foley does a segment about Make a Wish and says a wish will be granted next week (I really hope the kid wished for hardcore Diva sex but that's just me). Khali is out from the country with no cities, India. Super Crazy is his opponent and apparently he volunteered.

The Great Khali vs. Super Crazy

Crazy flips into the ring and attacks, getting tossed off. A Missile dropkick staggers Khali and Crazy screams at the crammer, running into a choke hold. Khali shoves him by his throat and Crazy runs right back at him into a brain chop and a double choke slam for the win.

Winner: Khali

In the back, Vince is wearing a cap now in his gangsta mode while Estrada tells him to calm down. Vince says he isn't going to take it easy and says he's going to take it....by breaking the cigar in half as an example. Vince makes Estrada into Umaga's tag team partner before saying he better not fail as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Pathfinder is "Rated R for strong brutal violence throughout." Well, at least they are honest.

Back to the show where we get a recap of what happened between Cena and Shawn and the Hardys winning the titles. Matt and Jeff are being interviews by Maria and Jeff says it's awesome to be the six time champs and Matt says nothing could be more perfect than this moment, except for maybe if he still had a girlfriend but preferably one that didn't give him herpes. They toast their belts before running the premiere for The Condemned saying its the largest premiere of the century. We then have Edge coming out to ringside to complain about being broken through a ladder last night. He whines about Cena, Shawn and Orton because he knows he's bashed Michaels with a chair countless times and Randy Orton is the same egomaniac he's outsmarted over and over. And he knows Cena is a fighting champion who's been through challenger after challenger (too bad they were all the same challengers) but he's beaten him countless times, though I'm pretty sure we can count it if we wanted. He guarantees he will be the next WWE champion before we see Lashley and Umaga on their ways to the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: Are you allowed to drink Gatorade when you play a game against the Florida Gators?

King pimps the #1 Contender's match between Shawn and Randy next week before Umaga and Estrada head to the ring. Lashley stalks out to the ring and the match starts when Umaga attacks him on the apron.

Armando Alejandra Estrada & Intercontinental Champion Umaga vs. ECW Champion Bobby Lashley (Handicap ECW Title Match)

Lashley is sent crashing into the steel steps while Estrada rolls up his sleeves. The ref finally takes the belt off Lashley's waist once he's in the ring. Umaga runs into an elbow in the corner and then Lashley runs under a clothesline, scooping up Estrada to ram him into the corner. Umaga catches Bobby from behind then while Estrada recovers in the corner. Lashley tries a sunset flip and Estrada kicks him in the side, allowing Umaga to sit on him for two. Umaga starts stomping Lashley down and grinding his knee to his face. JR is silent now to recover his voice so King is calling this all by himself and hasn't sounded this awkward since he was caught ordering Girl Scout cookies without the cookies. Umaga hits a Samoan Drop for two and Estrada has opened the shirt to go full manly mode. Umaga ends up racking himself and eating a DDT but he pops right up to plant a foot in Bobby's face.

Umaga picks up two. Umaga stalks the ref for being angry so Estrada kicks Lashley a few times, dodging any grabs. Umaga and Lashley start trading blows until Lashley falls victim into a belly to belly suplex for two. Umaga kicks Lashley in the back and a headbutt allows Estrada to cover for two. Umaga decides to slam him down and go for the cover himself but its only two again. Umaga and Lashley start trading in the corner again, but a strike to the throat cuts him off again. Estrada pins for two. Umaga once again ends up in blow trading and this time the crowd boos it because they are tired of this hope spot. A side kick crushes Lashley again while Estrada stomps him. Umaga forces Lashley to the corner and chokes him out. Lashley tries to rally AGAIN, but AGAIN is crushed. Estrada walks on Lashley's back to taunt him.

Umaga sends Lashley down into the corner, stomping a mudhole. Estrada signals the Ass Crash and Umaga builds and builds before smashing Lashley flat. Bobby looks lost having to sell all of this. Estrada holds Lashley up and Umaga goes for the Spike, but Bobby kicks him in the face. Lashley starts hitting right and lefts and clothesline. He dodges a cross body by Umaga to hit the spear, but it only gets two when Estrada break the pin. Lashley chokes Estrada in the corner, and dodges a dive by Umaga to squish Estrada. Umaga is sent to the floor so Lashley finishes Estrada for the win.

Winner: Lashley

King's voice is also going now as the show finally goes off the air. WWE needs to start sponsoring with lozenges instead of Skittles.

And that ladies and gentlemen (haha! That was the Wrestlemania theme song! Get it?!....Me either) is the show for the night. Come back next week when we'll be granting a wish. We're going to need more oil.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/09/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the only show on TV capable of striking its announcers mute with the sheer violation of their minds that only a main event of Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga is capable of. However, let us take a moment to talk about the fan. You don’t get to hear me pimp much about the other writers at the site anymore, but if you haven’t checked out the new articles from Catherine Perez and The Sixth Child (Not to be confused with the other five) then you’re a TERRORIST and the FBI will be storming your house any minute you Un-american bastards.

Raw 04.09.07

I’d like to point out, after the pro and theme, they showed a sign held by four losers who’s best effort at sign making seems to be spelling out “DAMN”. Congratulations. Edge is going to be doing the cutting edge tonight with Cena but first, Shane McMahon is out to a good pop while someone holds up a Where’s Baldo? Sign. There’s some other generic bald signs but I prefer that one. It’s also worth noting that I’m completely without my glasses this evening and may or may not be able to tell what the hell is going on. The generic blurry bald that I assume is Shane talks about the family name that used to be respected. He says the last few weeks he’s heard laughter every time that name is uttered since Wrestlemania. He says he’ll be putting respect back in by calling Lashley out right now to say something face to face. Lashley, who seems to have stolen Dave Batista’s suit and left him naked in a gutter somewhere, eventually comes strolling down to the ring.

Shane says he’ll be taking the one thing that identifies Bobby so tonight his title is on the line (The ECW Title: The only title defended on every show but the one it is named for) against Shane himself, which I have to say that could possibly be pretty good. Umaga’s music hits and he and Estrada come to the ring. Bobby gets ready for a fight but Shane hops out and tells Estrada to back his man up. Shane gets in Umaga’s face and pimpslaps Estrada like he was APimpNamedSlickback (Like A Tribe Called Quest, you gotta say the whole thing). Bobby says if he wins he gets to shave Shane too. Shane says he doesn’t answer to him, he makes the rules, but he’s on anyway.

Random Commercial Thought: I was thinking of updating the School of Rock for a modern generation. Conjunction Junction? “I like….big BUTS and I cannot lie!” Or maybe…”My name is What? My name is Who? My name c-c-c-c-c-c-conjecture!”

Back to the show where they run a Mick Foley name dropping segment then Mickie James is out. Candice Michelle follows after they run Melina getting beat down last week. Victoria is next, followed by a carpet.

Also Melina was there.

Victoria & Women’s Champion Melina vs. Mickie James & Candice Michelle

Mickie James & Candice Michelle vs. Victoria & Women’s Champion Melina

Melina is supposed to start with Candice but demands Mickie. Watching Mickie try to reach over the ropes is funny. Mickie tags in and gets caught by a cheap shot, but Melina is soon on the defensive, getting hit with a low dropkick and dragged to the face corner. Michelle comes off the top with a double seldge to the arm, ramming Melina into the corner with an arm wrench. Michelle hits her head scissor choke over the ropes while Mickie distracts but Victoria kicks Candice in the back which is apparently much more nefarious than illegally choking someone. Victoria tags in and picks up a two count before hanging Candice in a Tree of Woe. Victoria tags in Melina, holding Candice out in the Tree for Melina to leap over her into a bronco dive. Melina picks up a two count. And odd bow and arrow variation which is pretty much used to display some titties (don’t see me complaining). Melina scoops slams Michelle, tagging in Victoria who misses a senton. Candice makes the tag and Mickie starts destroying Victoria. Mickie James hit’s the head scissors in the corner. Melina tries a run in which goes as well as expected. Mickie tries for a pin, but Melina breaks it up. Candice hit’s a rolling kick on Melina so Mickie finishes Victoria with the Double D DDT  and plants Victoria for the win.
Winners: Mickie & Candice

They pimp the number one contender match as well as Edge’s interview segment which is so hot, most people burned it from their memories….forcefully. They replay Vince getting shaved at Wrestlemania before pimping Shane’s match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I like monkeys sometimes.

Back to the show where we see Mick is in the back with Michael who was granted his wish of being the honorary General Manager of Raw. Mick says he could either get the Highlander’s autographs (Signed: Jobbie) or put them in a wild stipulations match. He introduces him to a diva then teaches him how to get cheap pops from a city. To ringside with Ric, Torrie and Carlito. Carlito grabs the microphone saying Ric questioned his desires and passion a few weeks back and the more he thought the more he realized it isn’t everyday you get a wakeup call from Ric fucking Flair. He says Ric is picky about who he associates with, playing selections from the Four Horseman DVD in segments about Ric. Carlito tells Flair he can wear gold again if they get a title shot by beating Cade & Murdoch.

Random Commercial Thought: Seeing into the future is apparently much more handy than some writers would have indicated.

Ric flair & Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Torrie Wilson vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch

Back to the show where Flair is in the ring with Murdoch. He seems to not be doing so good as Cade and Murdoch exchange quick tags to keep the pressure on. A back suplex from Murdoch sees a pin that is broken by Carlito. Carlito plays with the tag rope which most don’t even know exists, let alone touch. Flair tries to fight his way from the corner with chops, but a sloppy drop toe hold takes him down. Cade runs over Flair as Murdoch tags back in only to run into an elbow. Flair fights back with chops and tags in Carlito. JR is so not into this match it’s like he took a valium before watching it. Carlito opens with dropkicks and hit’s the Million dollar knee into a rebound clothesline for two when Cade breaks it. Ric runs in and gets tossed by Cade. Carlito goes for the springboard elbow but Cade shoves Murdoch from danger and they close in with the Hi-Lo. Cade knocks Ric off the apron and Murdoch pins for three.
Winners: Cade & Murdoch

Carlito gets pissed when Flair tries to console him, storming off with Torrie.

Random Commercial Thought: There’s this commercial from some film called the Condemned or something…

We got to the back with Shane and Coach and Shane gets pissed when Coach dares to touch him (know your place BOY). Shane says he doesn’t need advice from someone who helped lead Vince into baldness. We then see Shawn in the back saying it’s all or nothing for him tonight. Orton comes up to tell him he’ll never win. Shawn calls him the 1000th person to tell him this, asking Tard to tell him what he’s won. Tard is at a loss for words so Shawn tell shim it’s a new set of dentures to replace the teeth he’ll kick in as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Spent it trying to help my parents use a computer.

Back to the show. Orton’s entrance apparently causes the female viewership to simultaneously orgasm before Shawn comes out to Sexy Boy (must be out of glowsticks). Shawn continues to do the DX crosses in the corner though before we get this match underway.

Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels (#1 Contender’s Match)

They tie up and Shawn gives Orton a taste of his own medicine in the form of a headlock (take a shot).The crowd rallies for HBK even though he isn’t the one in trouble. Orton finds himself repositioned into a hammerlock but counters with one of his own. Michaels pulls out and breaks Orton to his knee by wrenching the arm up over his shoulder. Orton pulls the hair to take Michaels to the mat for a one count. Orton switches to another hammerlock (must be saving his DEVASTATING Boston Crab for a crucial moment). Quick exchange begins with clotheslines as we see Michaels’ eye is bleeding. Michaels gets another side headlock (take a shot) getting rolled up for two in the process. Michaels keeps the headlock on until Orton throws him off. Orton stomps Shawn in the gut, following with his clubs to the chest. Orton goes for the big knee drop but misses, nothing but mat. Shawn hit’s a chop lick and stomps the knee before dragging Orton’s leg to the apron to slam it down on the edge. Michaels starts swooping down on the leg, stomping and going to town (where he bought some eggs). Michaels grabs his leg while Orton tries to crawl away, hitting an elbow drop into a leglock. Orton clubs his way loose and goes for a kick, but Shawn catches it. Michaels hit’s a leg takedown, holding through to kick at the back of his knee until Orton sends him shoulder fist into the ringpost. Edge is on his way to the ring and Orton looks pissed as hell saying he got screwed once it won’t happen again. Shawn rolls Orton up for two as we go to commercial

Random Commercial Thought: HD Teleivision, the next step? HD Reality

Back to the show. During the break, Michaels went over the ropes and to the floor. Orton of course has the advantage now, hitting a reverse elbow on Michaels to  send him to the apron. Orton hit’s a huge impact maneuver to pick up two three times in a row. Orton starts walking around and stomping on Michaels, but her pops up. Michaels goes for chops and hit’s a sunset flip with the tights for two. Orton lands a huge clothesline for two of his own. Out of frustration, Orton applies his patented headlock (take a shot….drunk yet?). Michaels fights out with a chop, trading chops with Orton’s rights. Michaels hit’s a swinging neck breaker for the standing ten count.

Both fight to their feet and Orton takes a chop. Randy fights back with blows to the eye and ducks the flying forearm from Michaels who crushes the ref. Michaels hits an inverted atomic drop, scoop slamming Orton and going up top. The elbow hits and the band is being tuned up, the ref still laid out unmoving on the floor. Edge grabs Shawn’s foot and Orton clotheslines hi to the floor. They both land on the floor and Edge stares at them both. Michaels grabs Orton and stumbling drags him up but Orton turns it into an RKO on the floor. Michaels gets picked up and rolled in while Orton tells Edge to get out of here. Edge goes for a right, but Orton ducks. Edge almost tosses him into the ring post, but Orton he stops himself, only to turn into a spear. A now dead Orton is rolled in and Edge wakes the ref, tosses him inside. Another ref decides to come out instead and do a standing ten count but it only goes to nine. Both are stumbled to their feet but Shawn hits Sweet chin music and passes out on top of Orton for three….except his shoulders are also on the mat.

Of course, this leads to both ref claiming the other guy one. Edge then claims this somehow makes him the number one contender.

Random Commercial Thought: How do you sell a product? Sex! Duh.

Back to the show where Randy talks to Shane in the back about the problem, but Shane tells him he doesn’t care and he needs to take it up with Coach. We go to the back with Michael being introduced to various superstars in the back, including Super Crazy, Val Venis and Cryme Tyme. Johnny Nitro give shim the cold shoulder. Coach comes up and tells him he makes the real decisions. Mick tells him there’s something Michael wants to tell him. Edge takes Coach away though before then. Michael and Mick say they tried to tell him before we go to commercial. DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

Random Commercial Thought: We are the world (which means somebody needs to fix my damn ozone)

Back to the show where they replay the Hardys winning the tag titles. They are set for a non title match against The World’s Greatest Tag Team.  They pimp the first ever Tri-brand Backlash as well as the first ever Italy tour while we get this underway.

World Tag Team Champions The Hardy Boys vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Non-title match)

Matt starts with Haas and takes him down while Jeff goes up top after the tag. Shelton comes down the apron to hit a huge kick to his face, sending Jeff down. Jeff gets beat down by Haas before Shelton makes the tag to pick up where Charlie left off. Shelton continuously goes in with right before using a snap mare into a headlock (take a shot). Shelton catches a kick from Hardy when he tries to escape, only to eat a mule kick. Matt tags in and unleashes the raging power of Emo. Matt hit’s the side effect on Shelton, before Haas attacks. He back body drops Haas to the apron then Jeff sends him to the floor. Poetry in motion his Benjamin into a Twist of Fate from Matt that Jeff finishes with a Swanton for the win.
Winners: Hardys

As we go to commercial, we see Edge headed to the ring with a smirk on his face.

Random Commercial Thought: Hot Fuzz is what you get when you have a sasquatch in heat.

Back to the show where they run a video package for The Condemned. In the ring, Edge comes down to the ring. He tells us that Shawn and Randy both lost so after talking to Coach he learned he is supposed to be the new contender. He’s about to invite Cena down when Orton comes down to destroy the set. Edge runs and Orton screams at him for costing him the title shot. Shawn comes down then as well and says now its their turn since last week he told Cena what he really thought. He says he is telling them now he’s the better man than either of them and as far as he’s concerned it needs to be a Wrestlemania rematch. Cena’s music plays then with a pretty big pop. Cena says they have a problem and this whole thing is wrong because they are supposed to be talking about the WWE title and not their packages. He says Edge beats his, Randy never had one and Shawn is unhappy about what he got. Michaels gets in his face and Cena says if they want to talk about the title then they should. He says the last time they fought was in a TLC match in Edge’s home town and he still lost. He tells Edge he’ll break him in half anytime, then move son to Orton saying he’s never backed down from a challenge, but Orton never had the guts to do so, so he’s ready anytime for that too. He ends with Michaels says Shawn wants to relive Wrestlemania and he’s with him on that. Shawn wiggles his fingers at him before Coach interrupts.

Jonathan with the power of sports news casting on his side saying he’s the one who makes the decisions and the fact is that after earlier tonight, Edge and Randy Orton were the only two who sought him out to give him the respect he deserves. He made a ruling that is very simple (Simple things for simple minds?) at Backlash Cena will face Randy Orton and Edge in a two on one handicap match where whoever gets the pin wins the title. He says he’s sorry to Cena and HBK and that decision is final before Mick’s music plays. Damn that sound guy is good.

Foley says that may be his final decision but unfortunately for him the decision wasn’t his to make and he tried to tell him but he wouldn’t listen. He doesn’t get to make the decision, neither does Foley, but Michael. Foley introduces Michael who gets played in by the Raw theme. Where’s his pyro? Lame! Mick gets in a cheap pop and makes the announcement of the main event. John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Edge vs. Shawn Michaels in a four way title match. SHOCK! We see Shane and Lashley headed to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: And it came about in those days that the movies did suck greatly and the masses moaned in pain.

Back to the show where the announcer explains the rules of the match for us. Shane comes to the ring, followed by Lashley.

Shane spears Lashley off the apron through the ropes, laying into him on the outside. He escapes a pickup by Lashley and sends him into the steal steps. Rolling him in to officially start the match, Shane picks up a two counter. Shane starts elbowing and dodging any strikes from Lashley. He goes for his punch combo into the windup but Lashley catches him with a belly to belly and a clothesline in the corner. Bobby hit’s a huge back body drop while Shane clings to the ref to drag himself up. He suddenly strikes Cioda in the face with a right for the DQ. Lashley starts to beat him down to end out non-match which personally is a disappointment. As if we didn’t get enough of these two last week, Umaga comes to the ring with Vince and Estrada. Umaga is all over Lashley like a fat chick to a pizza, beating him down in the corner for the Ass Crash. He goes for double impact as well. Shane calls for a chair, holding off Umaga’s Samoan Spike to nail Lashley with it. Bobby’s bleeding while Umaga and Shane deal more blows. Shane starts dropping elbows on his back then they drag Lashley up to look at Vince who removes his hat saying Bobby did this. He says at Backlash Bobby Lashley will face Umaga, Shane and Vince for his title. They lift Lashley for a spike to finish him off. The heels hold bobby for Vince to punch at him as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: A fun exchange with the Hardys in their match, and a good showing from Orton and Michaels even if it was slow and had a non-ending.

Lowlight of the Night: The non-ending for the Lashley/Shane match. Just annoying and ruined what could have been good.

Eugene Award: Poor Michael is subjected to Mick Foley’s body odor all night!


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/16/07) By Cameron Burge

I’m back and better than ever. Welcome back to the Best Damn Raw Rant Period, now with 20% fewer STDs. Tonight, it’s more Lashley/Umaga fun, I hope you all brought your laxitives because you’re going to need it to flush out all the shit we’ll be ingesting over this one. So I’m sitting here, pondering the meaning of life like I usually do and they start telling me there was this massacre over at a tech college in Virginia and on top of that the entire northeast kind of sucks for storms and there’s snow on the ground here in fucking spring. Obviously this is the apocalypse, so I suggest you all to make peace with your god, whatever you perceive him to be: Hairy Thunderer, or Cosmic Muffin. And rest assured that a walk through the oceans of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet.

Tonight we’ll be in Italy, land of Pizza (Oh wait…that was China) and Mario (Wait…no that’s Japan) and um…..Little Guido? Well, at least they have pasta.

Raw 04.16.07

Theme and pyro bring us to the show proper. We’re in the fashion capital of the word tonight, so hopefully they can get Randy Orton some damn pants. We’ll also be having a Diva fashion show. Coach is our first personality of the night (he has a personality?). He tells us he announced the main event last week but it was over ruled. He says he’s still going to get his way by having his proposed match tonight with the Rated RKO handicap match tonight. He then goes on to introduce Vinnie the Hammer to us. Most original bald sign: “Vince is Invincibald”. He says he doesn’t understand anything they are saying. He says he got a better reception in France and everywhere in America than this. He proves the people of Milan don’t know shit about fashion and apparently needs to tell us Garlic isn’t an aphrodisiac (OONAGI POWER). Vince brings out Umaga and plays stylized footage of last week (Somebody got a new copy of Adobe After Effects to play with).

Vince says Shane isn’t here tonight because he didn’t like the lack of deodorant. He says Bobby Lashley isn’t here because customs sent him back to the USA, obviously nobody minded the half dressed Samoan. Vince invites anyone to take on Umaga who might be in the back then goes on to extend the invitation to being an IC title match too. Still no takers, so the offer is extended to the entire crowd. Lots of people take him up on this offer, but Vince is too busy looking for a plant, so he goes for a little kid who then proceeds to hide like a little bitch. Get in the ring you pussy! Vince picks some random guy in a brown shirt to come in he calls on the awesome power of Hometown Heat to drive him on. But what the HELL is with those Wizard of Oz red shoes. When asked if he speaks English he replies with Si, and the crowd chants something I can’t make out. Vince doesn’t seem to like it much either. Vince says they have to have an agreement he can’t be sued for anything that happens. That includes anal rape. Vince finally calls attention to those freaky clown shoes. Vinnie finally calls out a ref. Santino goes bareback (not a gay joke I swear!) to reveal he goes to the same tattoo artist as Umaga apparently.

Vince blames everyone for it being on the crowd if Santino is destroyed.

Santino Morella vs. Intercontinental Champion Umaga with Estrada & Vince McMahon (Intercontinental Title Match)

Santino attacks and starts punching on Umaga, he dodges a corner charge, hitting several kicks and dodges another charge to roll Umaga up for two. Umaga stumbles to a corner and Vince tells them to hold on before saying there was a misunderstanding. He tells Santino to go to the corner and saying it is a no holds barred match. Estrada gets in his face to repeat it is no holds barred, earning himself an Italian bitchslap. Santino gets hit from behind by Umaga and scoop slammed before being squished by a leg drop. Estrada slaps him a bunch of time and Umaga hits his running diving head butt. Umaga corner dives as well before scoop slamming him again and going up top. Bobby Lashley then arrives and hit’s an overhead slam on Umaga from the corner, stripping his nice suit off in the process.

Estrada is sent off the apron and Vince arrives with a chair. Bobby and Vince stare down but Lashley catches the chair, chasing him off. Umaga takes a chair shot and Bobby starts to clock him with it. The Italians have some sort of low hum call followed by a cry at each impact. Lashley hit’s the spear and tosses Santino onto Umaga for the win.
Winner: Santino Morella

Wait…the hell? Okay…commercial. You know, we made it almost half an hour without a single commercial, new record!

Random Commercial Thought: BMX jumping is obviously comparable to wrestler jumping. I mean, obviously.

Back to the show where they recap what just happened. In the ring, Lashley and Santino are still celebrating. King has a mic in the ring and interviews Bobby who says he wasn’t supposed to be here but he is anyway and he’ll be keeping his title even though he isn’t supposed to. He goes for the cheap spot by rushing the spotlight back to Santino. Santino says something, you might want to turn subtitles on. Elsewhere Carlito is suiting up when Flair comes to talk to him about the women here. Carlito says they might not be ready to team up after he let Ric down last week. Ric pumps him back up (no hoses involved) before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Lesson one- Do not walk around New York in a muppet suit unless it’s to say “Wakka Wakka, you all wanna hear some funny ass jokes?”

Back to the show where Ric and Carlito are ready to take on Bacardi and Cola.

Carlito Caribbean Cool & Ric Flair w/ Torrie Wilson vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

Shelton and Carlito start with Carlito taking wristlock takeovers until he has to catch Haas on the run in. Carlito hit’s a power slam on Shelton and clotheslines Haas to the floor. Ric tags in as well as Charlie with Ric getting forced to the corner. The ref makes Haas back off until Ric starts in with a cheap shot and chops. A chop block bring Haas into Figure Four territory but Shelton runs in with a clothesline to stop it. Haas starts pounding on Ric and drags Flair to his corner to tag in Shelton who this a back body for two. The nature boy becomes their personal whipping boy when Haas tags back in to keep stomping him down for another two count. Shelton tags back in, punching Ric in the corner before trading off for Haas to take over again. Flair elbows out and chops Haas away, only to get punched down. Flair hit’s a back suplex and tags in Carlito. Carlito hit’s the Million Dollar knee lift on Shelton, following with the springboard elvow, but only gets two when Haas break it.

Flair attacks and chucks Haas with a chop, but the ref gets all over him like a gay lover, pushing him back to the corner. Haas trips Carlito and that makes him stumble into the T-bone Suplex. Flair tries to dive back in and break it but is a nanosecond too late.
Winners: Haas & Benjamin

Ric tries to console Carlito before he storms off leaving he and Torrie standing there as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Josh makes a good point when he says the PS3 is the Bob Holly of video game systems.

Back to the show where they replay our Special GM last week. Maria introduces Cena in the back who macs on her a bit before asking her for a question. He gives his opinion on his opponents, but Michaels interrupts. JR and King introduce us to the Italian announcers who speak their silly HEATHEN language at us. JR takes us to the video about the villain of The Condemned.

Elsewhere, Nitro and Melina who are mysteriously together again, tell each other they will win the fashion show and the match with Eugene respectively (well, maybe if Johnny wears the cool flame jacket he had last week…oh wait Milena is the fashion show one? Oh.) Eugene randomly appears behind them and waves hi before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Characters make us number once, because obviously no one else has any.

Back to the show where they run a ridiculous Khali stat video. They command us to worship the Great Khali next week. Okay…? I was expecting my god to be the cosmic muffin, not a hulking pile of waste.

Johnny Nitro is on his way to the ring before Eugene decides to come out against his greatest opponent….COMPLETE and TOTAL Apathy.

Johnny Nitro vs. Eugene

Nitro starts off early, stomping on Eugene when he tries to come in. He starts pounding him down into the corner, choking him with a boot. Eugene finally gets up with referee intervention, hitting huge rights. He runs into a reverse elbow by Nitro into a bulldog with a knee to the back of the head out of the corner. Nitro does some kind of dragon move and hit’s the one man Snapshot which is a glorified neck breaker for the win.
Winner: Nitro


Random Commercial Thought: I think I need to find something to do during the diva fashion show. They have a special Italian announcer for this, but I refuse to care. Torrie wins (OH SHOCK) and Melina attacks her. The face divas run her and Victoria off.

Random Commercial Thought: The river dance would have been infinitely more entertaining had it been performed entirely by chimpanzees.

Back to the show where Jeff Hardy gets a big pop as he arrives for his match with Cade. Cade brings Murdoch along with him. Can you believe somebody actually paid for plane tickets for these two guys?

Jeff Hardy w/ Matt Hardy vs. Lance Cade w/ Trevor Murdoch

The match starts with Cade forcing Hardy to the corner, but Jeff breaks loose. Cade keeps the pressure on until he slings Hardy to the corner and eats whisper in the wind for two. Cade fakes an injury on the outside and Hardy chases, only to get cheap shotted. Back in the ring, Cade sends Jeff to the floor where Murdoch attacks him. The ref gets on Murdoch and Cade attacks Hardy  back in the ring. Jeff hit’s a dropkick to Murdoch on the outside but turns back into a big boot to the face. Murdoch keeps choking Jeff out when the ref isn’t look until Matt threatens him. Cade chokes Hardy out on the ropes and pins for another two. Jeff sends Cade to the corner and runs right into an elbow from Cade. A snap mare gets another two for Cade. Cade yells at the ref and drags Hardy up who catches him with a right and hit’s the jaw buster. Jeff starts in with running forearms and clotheslines into a clothesline/neckbreaker combo. Jeff hit’s the Swanton….into knees. Cade clotheslines him and picks up the win.
Winner: Cade

After the match they run another Stone Cold package and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I learned how to use the bathroom all by myself! I’m a big boy now!

Back to the show where Chris Masters cuts a promo about Italian artists before Super Crazy is out.

Super Crazy vs. Chris Masters

They tie up and Crazy trips him up, but Masters lifts him up, chucking Crazy to the corner for some heavy blows. He slings Super Crazy to the other corner who leaps up into it and comes off with a missile dropkick. Masters runs to the floor and Crazy hit’s a flying plancha over the ropes, tossing Masters back in after a celebration. The Craziness gets cut short by a power slam from Master for two.  Crazy tries to fight back but Masters takes him back down for two. Masters drives a knee down and goes to a chinlock (take a shot). Masters hit’s a back body drop and a snap mare, into more knees to the spine. Back to the chinlock (what is this, an Orton match?). Crazy tries to fight up but Masters clubs him down Crazy starts attacking the legs like a Chihuahua, and hit’s a running dropkick into a standing moonsault for two. Masters hit’s a huge wheelbarrow on Crazy then for the three.
Winner: Masters

Still awake? No? too bad we still have more to go.

Random Commercial Thought: You know what we need? MORE detective shows.

Back to the show where they replay Santino winning the IC belt earlier in the night. JR calls him Santiago and has to be corrected by King. We go to the Italian team who I guess recaps it as well before seeing Edge and Orton getting ready in the back on our way to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto. What the fuck was wrong with you Styx?

Back to the show. Rated RKO come out and apparently nobody got around to giving Randy those pants I requested. Cena follows and seems to be competing with the same unforgiving crowd response here as everywhere else.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Rated RKO (Non-title Handicap Match)

Cena and Edge start off with Cena hitting a fisherman’s suplex and a rollup for two. Edge takes a cheap shot on John in the corner before Orton makes the tag. Orton begins to do his stomping routine which seems to have replaced a lot of his headlocks. The crowd is actually on Orton and Edge’s side for some reason. Cena fights back and hit’s a blow in the corner for the two count. Edge makes the blind tag and Orton hits Cena with a boot from the ropes for Edge to roll him up for two as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I zoned out somewhere along the line.

Back To the show where Cena is outside getting slammed into the Italian announce table by Orton. Cena is lifted up by Orton and dropped face first onto it before being slung back in. Randy starts mounted punches and holds Cena for a cheap shot from a tagged in Edge. Cena continues to get punched a great deal of time and I’m beginning to feel like I’ve seen this before. Dropkick by Orton leads into clubbing blows to the back and chest which looks more like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. Edge tags in and slams Cena face first into the table. Cena grabs the ropes to steady himself while Edge continues to lay in. Edge places him up top. Cena fights out after a head butt from Edge, coming off with an elbow drop but Randy starts to beat him down. Michaels begins to come down the aisle while Edge grabs a chair. The ref takes the chair and Michaels pulls down the ropes for Orton to fall to the floor. Cena his the clothesline and proteome into the five knuckle shuffle on Edge. Edge is scooped into an FU but Orton runs in to hit a dropkick which sends them into the ref. Cena and Orton bash heads and both go down while Edge sets up in the corner for a spear. Cena dodges and Orton takes it instead with Michaels coming in to Superkick Cena. Michaels misses and hits Edge, eating an FU as Cena pins Edge for the win.
Winner: Cena

The crowd seems unenthused as the show goes off the air. And that ladies an gentleman is the way the cookie crumbles. I myself ain’t feeling too hot so I’m heading to bed and don’t forget, the apocalypse is scheduled for Thursday, please remember to schedule your seat in advance.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (04/23/07) By Cameron Burge

In the beginning, Vince created the heavens and the earth. And on the seventh day, he did look down upon his creation and saw that those who walked upright and called themselves “men” had begun to run and perform “tricks” which he did thus dub “wrestling”. But Vince was not pleased with this sight, for the men did fly and leap off of their devices dubbed turnbuckles with great ease and quickness. Thus, Vince said “Let there be steroids” and the men did swell (except in one area). No longer did they leap nor dive, but began to clothesline and spine buster one another. And Vince looked down with a smile and named this new creation “The hoss”. While some rose above that of others, Vince dubbed his largest creation “The Great Khali” exchanging his gift of speech and even more mobility for even greater size and power.

I’m pretty sure I read that in the Bible somewhere. Probably the Mormon Bible.

Raw 04.23.07

Show opens with Shane’s theme. He’s dressed in his street clothes and for some reason the British appear to be afflicted with a disease that leaves them with an inability to put their arms the fuck down. Shane replays the footage of Santino “My name is SO not Boris” Morella winning the IC belt thanks to Lashley. In honor of St. George’s day, tonight someone here will get a chance to slay a dragon. The Deadly Stephasaurus? The dragon turns out to be himself, and I’m pretty sure I spotted some fat bastard rushing out to find a rock to pull a sword out of. He makes it a No DQ match first then starts going through folks. He points out Jose Morinio the head catch of the Chelsea Football Club. Shane says he has a feeling this would happen and found the baddest man who walks the earth in Britian as their greatest wrestler, seeing him in action beating up six guys by himself in a pub. Robbie Brookside whoever that is. Robbie’s hair enters the room three days after he does.

They dance about and Shane goes to a side headlock. Shane switches through a hammerlock into a side headlock takeover for one. Robbie escapes and takes an arm drag take down. I’m too busy being BLINDED by the whiteness. Shane takes Robbing facedown to the mar to start hammering him in the back of the head and laying in with elbow drops. Brookside takes a kick to the side when he tries to stand then drags himself up in the corner. Shane hits heavy punches in the corner then goes in with the windup. Shane goes outside to get a trashcan, which are always randomly kept under ring for just such an occasion. Shane goes up top after setting it up for Coast to Coast. the flying kick hits and Shane calls for a microphone. He says the match is actually a two on one handicap match, his partner is Umaga.

Umaga drags him back to the corner for right, Shane keeping him there with some kicks for the Ass Crash. This is a bigger disaster than that time I took the cast of Good Times to the KKK Convention. ………….We don’t have a clip there? I thought we had a clip. Oh well, moving on. The flying splash from Umaga hits and Shane grabs the microphone again to say it’s actually a three on one match. Vince is the third member (HAHA….member….) of the team. IS it just me or does Vince’s clothing leap backward in time every time we see him? Now he’s gone with a checkered coat like an 80 year old man. Vince just pins Robbie for the three. Special.
Winners: Shane, Vince and Umaga

Umaga holds Robbie’s head up for Shane to bad mouth him before we replay the highlights. Wrestlemania recap leads into pimping for the rematch between Shawn and Cena tonight as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Singing Bunnies are bitches.

Back to the show where Cade and Murdoch are here for the second half the one on one series.

Matt is on the defensive, getting clubbed down by Murdoch. Murdoch takes an arm drag and Hardy tries to go up top, but Murdoch pulls his leg out from under him. Murdoch keeps the pressure on with hard rights and Hardy finds himself locked in a sleeper hold. Hardy goes down and Murdoch comes off the top with an elbow for nothing but mat. Speaking of Matt he hit’s a reverse elbow to send Murdoch into the corner Murdoch eats a bulldog for two and the side effect gets two more. Guillotine top rope leg drop nails Murdoch but Lance is on the apron. Matt takes him off only to get caught from being by Mr. Bitter Beer Face. Murdoch sets Matt into a powerbomb, but rolls OVER him into the Beer Bomb for the win.
Winner: Murdoch

Random Commercial Thought: How come hot black bitches never do THAT to me in the supermarket? You know, before turning in their Wikks and welfare….

Back to the Technical Difficulties show. Apparently the screen has Triple H screaming at the Raw Sign. He’s probably saying “Fix the fucking screen! They can‘t see my enormous pecs!” Melina is out to wrestle Maria with the power of Emo music on her side.

Maria gets shoved down and jumps up to pull Melina down by her hair. Melina locks on a some kind of ass hunching maneuver while Maria is in the ropes, I’m not quite sure what the purpose of it is. Out of the ropes, Maria hit’s a head scissors into a flying clothesline. She comes at Melina again only to be grabbed by the hair and mash her face into the mat. Melina picks up the three.
Winner: Melina

We see Carlito talking to Ric in the back about his match with the Great Khali before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If we send Rednecks to the fight the war on Terror we can rest assured…somebody is getting drunk.

Back to the show. Best sign: “SKITTLES!” Carlito is out and he’s alone for once.

Carlito attacks from the back with blows like a midget tackling a step ladder. He dives to the outside to avoid the return blows. Carlito slingshots back in between Khali’s legs and Kahlu starts to hammer back. Khali lifts Carlito up on his shoulder and Carlito escapes with an eye gouge. Carlito goes up top for a dropkick but gets swatted away. The Brain Chop sends Carlito’s brains flying out from amidst his huge hair and into the crowd. Carlito eats a double choke slam for the loss.
Winner: Khali

Ric comes in to check on Carlito who rants at him in Spanish. The Nature boy leaves him to his ranting which amounted to something about whether or not they are really a team before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Croc Hunter would have been proud of these wily Snapalope catchers.

Back to the show where Mic Foley comes out in the back to tell us about Michael and the Mae a Wish Foundation leading into the pimp for the Backlash Main Event. Edge shows up to thank him for their past partnership and the opportunity to be in the main event. He says he’s going to get himself some coffee and watch Michaels and Cena tear each other apart. In the mean time: Good book. The hell? We then go to MORE pimping, this time for the Condemned in a video package about the fight scenes. So while I am typing this, Rachael had to get up and add some “feminine products” to her personal repertoire. Apparently that segment was SO bad it caused her flow to bursts like the angry eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. More commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: As if that wasn’t enough, then I have to watch a Condemned commercial too, because I don’t know this movie exists obviously.

Shawn Michaels is walking around in the back when he runs into Cena. Cena tells him that HBK has already earned everyone’s respect before Shawn’s music starts playing. Shawn walks off and makes his entrance which a few of the British fans seem to still be holding out the hopes for DX. Cena is next, battling apathy worst than Hogan battles Male pattern baldness.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels (Non-title Match)

Michaels goes to the knuckle lock and starts shoulder ramming. He gets a fireman’s carry but Cena escapes with a head scissors. Shawn goes into a side headlock into a hammerlock and back to the side headlock takeover, but Cena escapes again. Cena ties up again and Shawn goes for an arm wrench into a backslam for two. Cena goes for the STFU but Shawn escapes.

Michaels eats a drop toe hold and has to run away, crawling to the bottom rope to escape the STFU. Cena once again marks how close it was. Shawn goes to the waist lock this time, but keeps his leg out of STFU range. Shawn can’t keep the hold on though and Cena goes to the waist lock take down into the STFU but Shawn once again escapes. They get up in each others face and Shawn shoves and slaps, so Cena lands a big right to deck him. The ref gets onto Cena’s case as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: At Aaron’s we’ll molest your women with our phallic remotes, causing them to wonder of the size of the long black equipment….

Back to the show. The crowd is hyped big now before Cena and Michaels finally tie up with Cena hitting the side headlock take down. Michaels keeps kicking to prevent the count. Cena goes for some kind of add bull dog to counter being broken. He rolls Michaels over for one before Shawn fights back to his feet only to a take a heavy side headlock takedown for two. Shawn break out with right and slings Cena off but he runs him over with a shoulder block. Michaels bounces head first off the canvas so Cena capitalizes with a headlock. (How many shots have we needed to take in this match? We should be fucking smashed.) Shawn goes back down in the headlock takedown yet AGAIN. And somewhere, Randy Orton is smiling in approval. Michaels fights out with the right hands again. An arm drag is blocked by Cena into a huge clothesline from Cena for two. Michaels finds himself yet again in a headlock. (Take another shot if you can still hold the glass)

Shawn escapes and follows with a reverse elbow to knock Cena down. Michaels comes in with a kick and puts Cena in the corner for a knife edge chop. Cena ears turnbuckle and more chops. Shawn goes for some rights and forces Cena to the corner for chops yet again. The bitches are getting riled up but Shawn runs into a boot to the face. Clothesline crushes Shawn for two and back to the headlock, whee! Shawn forces him off but takes shoulder blocks. Shawn ducks another one and attempt the Superkick, but Cena holds the ropes to dodge. Cena scoops him up for an FU but Michaels grabs the ropes and dives out of the ring to regroup as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Wii would like to play….or ELSE.

Back to the show where Michaels is on the offensive, sending Cena around the corners with hard strikes. Shawn and Cena starts trading blows in the corner, but when Michaels tries to jump, Cena catches him into a power slam for two. Michaels goes to the corner, bouncing out into the suplex for two. Cena measures Michaels, kicking him low and hitting the throwback for two. Cena argues with the ref on the count.  Cena drags Michaels up for a right and Shawn trades with a chops. This continues  until Cena goes for a suplex, but Michaels counters into a neck breaker. I’ve yet to see someone actually get their neck broken by that.  Back to a trade between chops and rights until Cena loses. Michaels hits the flying forearm. Michaels goes for the reverse atomic, into the scoop slam for the elbow drop. Shawn goes for Sweet chin but tricks Cena, switching to a backslide. Shawn gets two and Cena is up. He goes for the shoulder block, but Shawn ducks, Cena flying through the ropes to the floor. John rolls around in pain and has to avoid some chick grabbing his ass before Shawn flies over the top rope only to be caught. Cena goes to slam him, but Shawn escape, sending Cena to the steps as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Steven Segal, King of Direct to DVD.

Back to the show. Shawn is working Cena over in the corner. He puts Cena in a hammerlock, slamming Cena arm first into the ring post. Cena gets back to the apron and Michaels drgas him in, wrenching the arm into an elbow drop on it. He pushes Cena to the mat with a hammerlock but Cena grabs his hair to try and escape. Shawn rolls him into a pin for two before working back into the hold. He rolls Cena back into the pin for another two. Shawn decides to work with knees to the arm. Shawn dodges an elbow drop from Cena when he escapes, but Cena goes into the clotheslines then, the shoulder block, protobomb and Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes for the FU, but Shawn wiggles loose, going for the kick. Cena ducks into the FU but only gets two as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Angelina Jolie has a foreign child fetish.

Cena is grabbing Michaels by his pants and tossing him to the floor to sling Michaels into ring post. Back in the ring, Cena picks up two. Cena gets another two off of a suplex and looks heavily frustrated while he goes for a bear hug. Michaels escapes and kicks on Cena in the corner, so Michaels is sent flying, turned inside out in the corner and landing in the floor. Shawn is tossed back into the ring and while he tries to crawl to his feet, Cena comes off the top rope with a huge bulldog for the dramatic two count. Cena puts Michaels on the top turnbuckles and they battle with rights. Cena scoops Shawn into an FU  twice but Michaels finally escapes and switches it into a power bomb on Cena. Standing ten count makes it to eight, but Cena drop toe holds Michaels into the STFU only to get kicked off. Cena drags himself up on the apron and Shawn throws himself into him to send Cena against the announce table.

Michaels reveals the stairs and tries to pile drive Cena onto the steps, but Cena back body drops him as we set the record probably for most commercial breaks in a single match.

Random Commercial Thought: WrongWay subs, now with 40 percent rat feces.

Back to the match where Cena is clothes lining Michaels right into the announcers (RAPE!). The ref has to pull Cena off of him as John screams that he won’t stay down. Cena throws Michaels back into the ring and locks on the STFU. Michaels wriggles around and reaches for the rope that is farthest from him for some reason. Cena holds on for a four count then measures Michaels. Cena advances on him, but the ref stops him because Shawn is still in the ropes. Cena scoops Michaels up but he slides out into Sweet Chin Music. Michaels drags himself over, but Cena drabs the bottom rope with his hand to break the pin. The scene here looks more like a hot love session just occurred instead of a wrestling match. Shawn drags himself and Cena to the corner for a chop, but Cena hit’s a right. Slow motion fight ensues.

Cena turns Shawn inside out in the corner again. Shawn bounces back into the FU, but as Cena goes to toss him down, her flips to his feet into Sweet Chin Music, falling on Cena for the win.
Winner: Michaels

Shawn celebrates his victory after the match and holds the WWE belt for himself over the fallen Cena. Shawn does a DX suck it as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: An excellent, if exceedingly long, match between Cena and Michaels.

Lowlight of the Night: Melina and Maria! Filler match FTW!

Eugene Award: Apparently I was supposed to worship Khali last week for a short squash against Carlito?


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.


WWE RAW RANT: (04/30/07) By Cameron Burge

GENTLEMAN! I give you...The Raw Rant!

Welcome back. Yours truly is pretty damn tired tonight so if I seem a little sub par, too bad, Chuckles. You're stuck with it. You could always, oh I don't know, get to work on that life you've been putting off I guess.

So Cena walks out as champ and we now have a NEW ECW World Champion..Vince McMahon? Who the fuck thought that made sense? Now it's time for us to see the backlash from, er..Backlash..in action. Here however is a little bit of news some of you may or may not have known. For all you Nintendo fans out there who have been tired of being robbed of having the Smackdown series, fear no more. Smackdown vs. Raw 2008 will be the first wrestling video game by THQ for the Wii. Prepare to swing your arms like you've never swung before. Don't be afraid to look ridiculous, it worked for Dragonball Z.

Raw 04.30.07

Cena is walking in the back when Vince shows up with a backwards cap on to immitate Cena's Champ is here bit. They exchange words then Shawn appears to say he had Cena beat last night and last week and he wants another shot tonight. Cena agrees, but Vince tells them they need need to have it one more time tonight. He says it won't be for the title tonight but will be next week. Vince says then that maybe Cena can challenge him if he's lucky (HAHAHAHAHA).

Theme and pyro.

After the intro, Edge is on his way to the ring for a match with Orton as we officially destroy Team Rated RKO finally. Orton, imaginary beach ball in tow, faces off with Edge who has this expression on his face like he was just gang raped by the cast of The View.

Edge vs. Randy Orton

Edge bitchslaps Orton and Randy retaliates with rights. Orton slings Edge to the ropes who dives to the floor, Orton giving chase around and back into the ring. Edge tries to take a cheap shot, but Randy ducks. Orton hit's a thumb to the eye and rams Edge into the turnbuckles starting to go with rights into his stalking stomps. Orton continues to dominating, tossing Edge around like the blow up doll he uses to practice his headlocks on. Edge is getting choked on the ropes when we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Bug, not of the computer variety (Vista ready!)

Back to the show. Orton still has Edge on the defensive until he finds himself slung onto the ring apron. Edge takes the chance to spear Orton from behind, sending hi crashing from the apron onto the announce table and into the floor. Orton is tossed back into the ring for two. Edge decides to take a page from Randy's book and goes for a headlock (take a shot) but Orton fights free only to eat a reverse heel kick. Edge goes up top while Orton writhes on the ground. Orton catches Edge on the top rope with a right, going for the superplex. Edge punches his way out, and uses a head butt to send Orton to the mat. Edge leaps off in the classic "I'm not doing anything" move to take a dropkick. Standing ten count! Orton hits an inverted backbreaker for two then follows with a power slam for another two. Edge pops up into an Edge-o-matic for two of his own. Standing, they both crash into one another with cross bodies. Another standing tend count, the third one this match actually.

Edge and Orton exchange rollups but it's no dice. Baring that, Orton goes to the corner for standing ten punches only to be countered into a snake eyes which busts Randy open. The crowd is hot for Orton tonight. DAMN YOU ESTROGEN. Edge tries to steal a pin with feet on the ropes, Randy following by doing the same thing but neither gets away with it. Orton goes for the RKO but Edge counters into the Impaler DDT. Edge only gets two so he goes for the spear, but Orton dodges, making him eat turnbuckle. Orton goes for the RKO again, but Edge throws him off and Orton turns into the spear, giving Edge the win.

Winner: Edge

Afterward they run a segment from last week of Michaels beating Cena and a recap of Santino winning the IC title as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Black Spidey is an asshole. He's kind of like Dolemite..only without the afro.

Back to the show where Santino is being interviewed. They claim he just happened to come to America and train to be a professional wrestler, but went home to Italy only for him to win the IC title there. ...Yeeeeaaaahhh... He says he got help from Roberto Lashley. HA. Roberto. He says he has eight brothers and sisters and they all celebrated because his first title defense is next week.

We go on to see RVD talking about what an ass Vince McMahon is with his new belt then we see Vince saying pretty much the same about Rob to Shane. He lets Shane hold the precious belt before we go to Maria interviewing Edge who once again is of course pissed he's not the one getting a title shot. He plans to force his way into the picture again as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought:

Back to the show where Cade and Murdoch are here for commentary. Jeff Hardy is out to wrestle Nitro in a one on one match.

World Tag Team Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Johnny Nitro

Jeff gets a quick pin for two, but Nitro escapes and hit's a dropkick for two two counts. Hardy escapes a headlock into the whisper in the wind. Jeff goes onto to his a front suplex slam for another two, but Nitro rolls him up for two of his own. Nitro hit's a hard neck breaker. Cade and Murdoch are all complimentary for some reason. Jeff goes up top with Nitro and back body drops Nitro off before hitting the Swanton bomb for three.

Winner: Hardy

After the match Cade and Murdoch announce Jeff the winner and go into the ring to shake his hand but he snubs them. We get another Michaels/Cena recap segment as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Snoop Dogg is a member of the Raw Fan Nation. And now you know where we get out weed.

Back to the show where they recap Vince's championship win. Shane arrives to announce Umaga who is without Estrada apparently having been rehabilitated enough to no longer need a handler to keep him in check. But how will he know when to do a spike without somebody to break a comically over sized cigar in his face? RVD is out next and his handler seems to be missing too. Did I say handler? I meant, dealer...and by dealer I mean Snoop Dogg. However, before we start the match, it's back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Never throw the baby out with the bath water. Unless it's floating face down.

Back to the show.

Umaga w/Shane McMahon vs. Rob Van Dam

The match is already underway. RVD is kicks at the leg. Umaga catches on but Rob switches to a front drop kick to send him to the corner. Rob hits Umaga in the corner then leaps up top only to get shoved off to the floor. Shane has to be warned away and Umaga follows him out to rolls Rob back in. Umaga hits some stiff kicks to the chest. The Samoan Bulldozer (They have a lot of renovation to do in Samoa) hit's a power slam on Rob for two then catches him in a cross body for a samoan drop for another two. RVD manages to dodge a corner charge and jumps onto Umaga's back with a Sleeper.

Umaga gets to his feet, backing into the turnbuckles to try and get RVD off his back like a proverbial monkey. He finally breaks the hold by tossing them both over the ropes, but Rob leaps right back onto his back. Umaga throws himself into the ring steps to finally break it (TOTALLY LEGAL ring steps) Umaga rolls weakly into the ring and eats the running diving head butt for his trouble. Umaga puts baby in the corner and goes for the Ass Crash, only to meet the turnbuckle. Rob hit's a sunset flip from the apron but Umaga counters with the hip drop. Umaga misses and rob hit's a running dropkick. Rob hits clothesline and a spinning kick but it takes a flying heel kick from the top rope to knock him down long enough for rolling thunder. It only gets a one count. Umaga hit's a head butt and a throat thrust. Umaga tries to sling Rob into the turnbuckle but he block and dodges a running splash. Springboard heel kick send sUmaga down and Rob goes up top, hitting the frog splash, but Umaga caught Van damn by the throat and lifts him into the Samoan spike for three.

Winner: Umaga

Random Commercial Thought: I talk to dolls, and I'm not even in therapy, but maybe I should be. I mean, my friends are a box, an apple and a toilet paper roll. I'm fucked up in the head!

Back to the show where Cowboy Troy is in attendance. Oh yay. In the back Carlito is trying to apologize for what he did last week. He says they are going to take on The World's Greatest Tag Team. He says he will prove they can be winners tonight and Torrie asks him if that is really a good idea. Carlito says he knows what he's doing before we go to ringside for HBK's entrance..but he doesn't come out while his music plays. Oh no!. On the screen we see Michaels is in the back destroyed and being checked on as we go to commercial. Diagnosis? HE GOT SERVED.

Back to the show. In the back, Coach starts screaming at Cena that he must have done it. He gets himself pinned to the wall, but Cena doesn't answer, stalking off. Vince demands Coach find out who did it then demands Michaels be made ready to get in the ring tonight anyway. Back to ringside for Carlito and Ric.

Carlito Caribbean Cool & Ric Flair w/ Torrie Wilson vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team

Ric starts off with Haas and keeps him grounded with chops before tagging in Carlito. Carlito immediately gets his ass handed to him and Shelton tags in. Back body drop is countered with a kick to the shin and Carlito kicks his feet out from under him on the rebound off the ropes Shelton runs at Carlito from behind who spring board leap frogs over him off the ropes into a rollup for two. Shelton drops Carlito on the matt with a dropkick and tag in Haas. Haas hit's a rebound forearm shot to the spine. Shelton keeps the pressure on and when Carlito tries to fight back, he eats a backbreaker for two. Shelton goes to the chin lock (take a shot).

The double team gets Haas a two count on Carlito who drags Carlito from a tag with another head lock (take a shot). Shelton tags in and Carlito starts fighting out with right, hitting sort of modified flapjack. Ric tags in and goes to town with chops and punches on Shelton, hitting a big reverse elbow. Haas tries to clothesline Carlito but he ducks into a dropkick. Flair chops on Shelton and hit's a backdrop, strutting. Ric turns around right into a clothesline from Carlito and the beat down commences. Oh my God I didn't see that coming at all! Ric fights Carlito off with a rake to the eyes. Carlito runs up the aisle and Flair pursues, tackling him and they rolling around on the aisle. Carlito fights him off again and walks away so Flair tackles him again.

In the back, we find Coahc investigating is Edge did it, only to find Edge destroyed as well. Oh shock! He's pronounced unconscious as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Hurry up and get back to Days of Our Lives.I mean Raw.

Back to the show where they recap what just happened to Edge and then run a Condemned segment. Which I haven't gone to see. Back to the show where Ken Kennedy approaches the ring. He grabs his microphone and says he didn't do it, and the glove won't fit him. If the glove don't fit, you must acquit! He asks who would like to see him cash in his briefcase right now. He says the way Edge cashed in his case was low, waiting until after the Elimination Chamber. He says he would never do that. He says he is going to give everyone the time and place his will go down. The countdown is on because he won't be cashing his in until Wrestlemania 24. He then announces himself as the new champion.

Elsewhere, Kenny finds Randy Orton knocked out cold as well as Coach leaves to tell Vince (ECW CHAMPION Vince) what has happened and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The boys are back in town. Is that some kind of gay theme song?

Back to the show where they replay Melina retaining her title. Vince is asking some random white guy if he was shocked by his victory. Coach apologizes when he runs in to say somebody is trying to take everyone out. Vince says he figured out who did it. He sais who did it was because of John Cena. He says if Coach and Cena go out they will come face to face with who did it. Back to ringside with Melina and Victoria.

Candice Michelle & Mickie James vs. Victoria & Women's Champion Melina

Candice starts us off with Victoria and leaps onto her back but gets rammed into the turnbuckle for Melina to tag in. Melina gets forced to the corner and Mickie tags in, hitting shoulder thrusts. She hit's a spinning kick to the midsection and the catfight begins, rolling around don the ground and slinging fists. Victoria tags in, but Mickie kicks her right off the apron to sling Melina back in and start tearing at her hair. Victoria grabs Mickie's ankles and makes her face plant, slinging her to the floor and ramming her back first into the ring. Victoria puts Mickie in a tree of woe and holds her out to tag in Melina who leaps into a senton on Mickie for two. Melina goes for a cross arm sleeper, but Mickie escapes and hits a neck breaker. Candice tags in and hits clotheslines on Victoria but when she celebrates she gets PWNT. Candice hit's a head scissors on Victoria though only for Melina to break the count. Mickie attacks Melina and Candice rolls Victoria up for three.

Winners: Mickie and Candice

Cena is shown on his way to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Apparently it is Delta FARCE and not Force. But whatever, same thing..

Back to the show. Cena comes to the ring and demands to know who it was that destroyed everyone. He tells them to come get some and its..The Great Khali. Well, I feel like my soul was just stolen, how about you? Cena attacks, but Khali clubs him and tosses him into the ring. Cena leaps at Khali with shoulder blocks, but eats a clothesline and a big boot. Khali taunts and starts kicking Cena in the corner. The crowd rallies for Cena while Khali lays in with elbows. Khali drags Cena to the ring center and goes for the brain chop but Cena blocks it. Cena scoops Khali to the FU, but Khali uses chops to escapes and hit's a double choke slam. Khali celebrates as the show goes off the air.

And that folks is the end. Now this recapper needs some sleep.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).