HA! HA! AND DOUBLE HA! Cena won, all ye bitching masses. Now you have to deal with it. In all likelihood I’d
say he’ll drop to Hunter yet at the next PPV or RVD. If to RVD he’ll job in a month to Triple H anyway. Either
way we only delay the inevitable, but for now I’m happy. So now that Wrestlemania is over and NOTHING on Raw changed at all, let’s see the placid fallout. I like how Vince said this year, "They think
they figured us out...so lets change the entire results the night before. Suckers..."
To a mixed roar of noise, Cena opens our show. Lillian introduces him. Coach has nothing to say to Cena being champ until he says the crowd says it best. Cena’s GOT to go heel tonight or it’s over unfortunately. Cena stops the music to hear the crowd and it’s BIG boo. Cena goes on about how he didn’t think he would win and gives a speech about being a champion is fighting on, no matter what the circumstances. He admits that in the midst of last night...he’s interrupted for a Cena Sucks chants. He says there was a small, large group of people who... Triple H interrupts with his new intro and King of Kings background. They stand there not saying anything and staring. Hunter offers a hand and Cena just stares back. when John finally goes to shake, Hunter pulls away to big cheers. hunter gives his usual bit about kicking Cena’s ass last night in front of the whole world. He says Cena found a way to win, and he’s pissed off about it. He says he’s mad at himself for making the same stupid mistake that everyone else who ever wrestled Cena made. He underestimated. "You Tapped Out!" chants start.
Hunter wants another shot, but Edge interrupts and says he gets the spot now, because Hunter lost and has to go to the back of the line. Hunter says Edge is undefeated at Mania for sure, but asks how many of those matches were in the main event. (BURNED). He says it was none of them and tells Edge to hang out with the other curtain jerkers while the main eventers have their business. Edge says he’s main eventer who doesn’t dress up like Conan the Barbarian. Edge says he beat Cena for the title unlike Hunter, but Hunter says he took a twenty minute nap and missed the whole thing. Edge says he would have taken a nap after stealing the show, but stayed up to watch Trips tap out. Hunter says tonight, he’ll knock Edge out. Cena calls them He-man and Skelator and goes to leave. Edge call shim She-ra and Cena says we should have Edge vs. Triple H for a shot at the title. Edge says he’ll team with Hunter against Cena instead. Hunter agrees and Edge asks the crowd if they want to see that. The crowd wants to see it apparently.
Cena says as Champion he should run and live to fight another day. He says he may be a stupid son of a bitch, but he’s a tough one too. He says since half the people want to see him get his ass kicked they can have their match. Pretty good stuff. Big Show and Kane defend after this break.
Random Commercial Thought: Geiko is commercial redefined....or something.
Back to the show. Show and Kane are introduced to face The Spirit Squad. coach says Male Cheerleaders are among the greatest athletes in the world.
Kenny & Mikey w/ The Spirit Squad vs. World Tag Team Champions Big Show & Kane (Tag Team Title Match)
Kane begins with a member who they don’t name (Mikey). He gets slammed around after cheap shotting Kane and accidentally tags Kenny in. Kenny gets tossed in and chucked around too before Mikey is eating a side slam. Kane knocks Mitch off the apron and Kane eats post with his shoulder. The squad wraps his arm around the post and begins double teaming him. Mikey works the arm and shoulder, tagging Kenny back in. They make quick tags, keeping Kane in their corner and double teaming near constantly. Mikey uses a ridiculous looking hammerlock on such a big guy and gets lifted into a Samoan drop. Kenny tags in and tries to stop the tag, but Show is in, clobbering both men and superkicking Mikey. The ref gets knocked out when Show whips Mikey into a slam, slapping the ref with his shoes. The squad rushes the ring and cheer throws Show. Mikey hits the flying leg drop and Kenny gets the pin for the titles.
Winners: Kenny & Mikey
Special Match "Fact": Giving Gay people a life’s mission! It’s the Spirit Squad. (Though Kenny is in Real Life supposed to be engaged to Mickie James of all people...the bastard.)
How Eugene is this? To commercials!
Random Commercial Thought: I think....I will have a cheese sandwich.
Back to the show where they replay what just happened. Maria interviews the Squad and they celebrate with a Eugene cheer. Joey tell us WWE.com set a new view record of 35 million hits and we get footage of the Money in the Bank match with Rob winning. RVD comes to the ring with his new briefcase. Rob talks about winning and says everyone is asking when he wants to cash in. He says he won’t wait as long as Edge. He says he plans on showing that good timing is so important, it’s extreme. We go back to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m the British accent guy. I also do a good Arab and Yoda. I’m available for birthdays, weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Back to the show. they show Carlito and Masters losing last night due to a mistake.
Chris Masters vs. Random Guy whose gonna lose
Masters runs in and beats the guy down. Crushing him with a clothesline he presses him up and slams him back down. Masters locks him in the MASTERfull Nelson and it is over.
Winner: Chris Masters. Duh.
Special Match "Fact": There was a match?
Carlito is out right after the bell. They stare down, but eventually Carlito raises Masters hand and they play the Masterpiece theme. Carlito and Masters celebrate when Carlito hits a HUGE looking Backcracker to big cheers. Carlito beats Chris down to the mat and spits in his face before leaving to his own theme. They play a Wrestlemania montage as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck did any of that dancing and music have to do with tires?
Back to the show. Shawn Michaels is here. He takes forever to get to the ring, making me wonder why the hell I have to wait so long for this. I don’t even really care what he’s going to say. He says he could have ended the match at any time with Sweet Chin Music, but he wanted to make it a living hell instead. He goes on to say that he no longer has to deal with Vince’s oily, orange-tinted body going down the aisle. Shawn tells us that he’s moving on and speaking of such says the popular thing these days is to beat up John Cena and he might as well do it for the title. Shane interrupts. Shawn introduces him for us as the newest Kiss My Ass Club member. Shane introduces Vince. Vince, neck brace and all, says Linda and Stephanie were there and saw what Shawn did. HE says nothing can compare to the emotional scaring of Shane.
He says Shawn will not get a title shot and he has two words for him, but Shawn says his own two words are suck it. Vince says the two words are divine intervention. He says Shawn knows damn well he would have ripped Shawn limb from limb, but God must have helped him. Obviously He showed up with Eddie in his Celestial Lowrider. Vince yells at God and Shawn says Vince may have gone insane, as much as a man who talks to God can be insane...oh wait. Shawn asks for the point. Vince says Shawn can’t beat the McMahons. He says he may win a battle or two, but never the war. He says at Backlash it will be a tag team match. Vince and Shane vs. HBK and God....yeah....
Random Commercial Thought: I would probably watch more basketball it was as hardcore as that Gatorade commercial. Fuck fouls.
Back to the show. Trish and Torrie are here followed by Victoria. Mickie show up with Trish’ giggle opening, Trish’s hair and Trish’s outfit. Hilarious.
Candice Michelle & Women’s Champion Trish Stratus...er Mickie James vs. Torrie Wilson & Trish Stratus w/o accessories.
Candice starts with Trish, trying to attack early, but Trish takes her down easily. Trish dodges a clothesline with the Ma-Trish and does the handstand headscissors. Torrie tags in and kicks Candice to Mickie. Mickie comes in and Torrie looks retardedly confused. Torrie fights her back and misses a clothesline eating a Chick Kick for the loss. Wow that was fast, I think I blinked.
Winners: Candice & Mickie
Special Match "Fact": Torrie is the worst female wrestler in the WWE....Just kidding, it’s still Ashley.
After the match, Trish picks up the Women’s title and hands it back to Mickie through the ropes, grinning at her.
Random Commercial Thought: Quit trying to sell me crap, you bastards!
Back to the show. They run highlights of the Hall of Fame inductions. And Vickie Guerrero is still ugly as hell. Speaking of Eddie, here’s Chavo. Pretty calm and quiet reaction. The Eddie chant has a slow build. He says his name is Chavo Guerrero and he has never been more proud than last night. He thanks everyone who has kept Eddie’s memory alive. He cheers Rey for winning the title as well. He says the only regrets he had was that he didn’t have the chance to get a title at Mania, but...BIG Chavo chants here. But tonight is his night. Tonight he will go for the IC title and it is his Wrestlemania. He dedicates tonight to Eddie. Chavo heads to the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Bow to no one? Bow to me, bitches!
Chavo and Shelton are here and ready.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin (Intercontinental Title Match)
Chavo gets a quick early pin for two and they tie back up. Shelton goes low and forces Chavo to the corner, bitch-slapping him. Chavo unleashes with European uppercuts. HE beats Shelton all the way to the corner. Shelton counter back and sends Chavo to the floor. Benjamin follows out and drops Chavo, face first, on the edge of the ring. He throws him back in and pick sup two before going to a chin lock. Chavo gets doubled over by a sharp shot to the gut, but catches Shelton coming from the ropes with a dropkick, Chavo build momentum, hitting several big moves, including a press, dropkick for two.
Chavo takes a shot to the throat, but dodges a stinger splash. Chavo counters a tilt-awhirl side slam with a headscissors, following with the Three Amigos. He’s getting better with these. Chavo signals and goes up top. Joey keeps saying "Feeling Froggy" and I hate that term. Chavo bombs the splash because his name isn’t Mysterio or RVD. Shelton counters with a T-Bone for three.
Special Match "Fact": The last wrestler to "quit" in an angle like this was Christian.
Chavo looks all depressed and shit as he leaves with several people still chanting for him. He slaps his own head in frustration as he leaves. They pimp the main event as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: GameTap surprisingly has no alcohol with their games.
Back to the show. They do another This Week in Wrestlemania History. Flair vs. Ricky the Dragon. They interview Chavo and he says he let everyone down, the family, the fans, and himself. He says that maybe he isn’t supposed to be wrestler and quits. this is what we hear next: "Absolutely heartbreaking to hear, WHOOO!" As Joey and Flair’s entrance intermingle. Flair gives a speech about how awesome he is before Estrada of all freaking people arrives. His accent is so ridiculous it’s annoying. He says Flair’s reigns are over and goes to say his whole name again as the new hero of America. Flair cuts him off, but Estrada says he grew up watching Flair in a broken down home in Cuba held together by aluminum foil. (Think of all the money they saved on ovens!) He says he enjoys nice things now like Flair, and nice girls like Flair and money like Flair. He introduces himself...again, now as the man who will change the face of Raw and the WWE.
Flair asks if he just raised his voice to Ric Flair. Estrada introduces Umanga...a tribal guy of some sort...actually it’s Jamal. The big dude just beats up Flair and squishes him in the corner. He puts Flair in a Torture Rack Neckbreaker to crush him. Uh, whatever. Commercials!
Random Commercial Thought: Steven Segal isn’t as good as Chuck Norris. If you say Chuck Norris three times, he’ll roundhouse kick you into orbit.
Back to the show. In the back, Triple H and Edge are apologizing to each other, telling each other to beat Cena down. Edge is played in with Lita first. What the fuck is with her Bride of Frankenstein hair? Hunter plays in with his normal theme for some reason...he doesn’t have a throne tonight I guess as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Freddy vs. Jason ahs the gayest ending on the planet. A severed head winking? That’s GAY.
Back to the show. Cena arrives and gets us ready for this match. they take a shot of Edge’s scars from the match last night.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Triple H & Edge w/ Lita (Non-Tag Handicap Match)
Cena forces Edge to the corner, face first, and slaps his sore back. Edge hobbles like and old man, and his attacks get countered. Lita finally grabs Cena's leg, allowing Edge to get him from behind. Edge works on Cena for a while until Hunter comes in for a distraction. Edge attacks from behind again and Cena manages to counter for an FU. Edge escapes and takes Cena down with a sharp blow to the head. He gives John a COD according to Joey and gets two. Hunter just sits on the turnbuckle and watches. He eases his way down and sneaks up on Cena. John turns on him, then dodges a spear by Edge, making him hits Triple H instead. Cena clothesline Edge, hits the shoulderblock and the back body drop. Cena goes into a punching frenzy in the corner when Hunter pulls him off...and beats Edge’s ass himself.
Hunter and Cena takes turns punching Edge in the center of the ring. Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but hunter catches him in mid Shuffle with a Pedigree for the win.
Winners: Edge & Hunter
Special Match "Fact": Edge was originally billed as Christian’s brother though they were in fact supposedly best friends.
Post match, Joey says nobody gets up form the pedigree (NOBODY puts baby in the corner!) as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Hilarious opening promo segment between Edge, Cena and Hunter. Great stuff in that one.
Lowlight of the Night: Estrada and Jamal annihilate Ric Flair...why?
Eugene Award: Spirit Squad the new Tag Team Champions...Need I say more?
WWE: Where it all Stays the Same.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (04/10/06) By Cameron Burge
This just in: Eddie Guerrero is ALIVE! Recently having been spotted on the World of Warcraft servers fighting alongside...wait
for it...Torrie Wilson. yes, apparently Latino Heat faked his own death just so he could get away from his dog of a wife and
date Playboy cover girl Torrie all the while engaging in addictive online role play. No word has yet been heard as to whether
he’ll be returning to the ring anytime soon.
Dish Network has this to say about tonight’s show: "Vince McMahon finds God." He was probably stuck between the couch cushions. Tonight we’ll see clips from See no Evil as well as being forced to see Spirit Squad defend against Kane and Show. Oh joy.
Theme and pyro bring us to Edge. Why? I don’t know. Cena will be facing Triple H and Edge in Triple Threat at Backlash and Coach says the stadium is alive with excitement...instead of what is really happening is that nobody seems to care. Edge says he is the odds on favorite since he’s the only person who has won both his matches in the last week. Edge reminds us he was the most watched WWE champion in five years and that the Champ is here. So Cena comes out. Lita does some HORRENDOUS facial acting since we all know she’s more accustomed to just doing facials.
Cena thanks Edge for the intro while I thank Lita for her cleavage. Cena says he has the WWE championship and Edge has...what he has and it’s his own fault. Cena goes on, and I actually forget to listen to most of it until she challenged Edge to a fight. Edge says he despises all us morons and they despise him back in a hate/hate relationship. He says Cena actually cares what they think and he goes out of his way for them and they still can’t stand him unless they are (and he messes up here) OVER the age of seven. He meant under. He says people want to see a different side of him, a side that’s black (he should have stopped here). Cena goes on, talking about hating the people back and gets a small fuck you chant. He tells off Edge in a censored line to a big pop.
Since he still can’t make up his damn mind, Hunter is played in by Bow Down to the King instead of The Game. Hunter gets a "You Tapped Out" chant at saying no one will ever confuse Cena for him. Hunter turns to the crowd and says that apparently somebody told them he cares what they say. He also claims whether we like or hate him, we respect him. But I don’t. His mother’s a whore. I banged his sister. His fetus has THREE HEADS!
Ok I’m done.
Cena accuses Hunter of kissing ass, when it was actually banging it that got him his position. Edge goes on about being counted out before he begins because he beat Mick Foley. Hunter says he did that six years ago. Hunter calls Foley a turd that won’t go away because no matter how many times you flush the bowl he rises to the surface and we’ll see him again. He says that makes Edge angry but he’ll be even angrier and he got a phone call from the old man before he got out here. He says tonight’s main event is Edge vs. Cena & Triple H. He says Edge can bring the Booby Prize is he wants. HAHAHAAAA! Edge is played out as the announcers pimp the match. Hunter holds a hand for Cena to shake, and Cena gives him a pride OBLITERATING bitch slap before ducking out as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I hate commercials. Seriously.
WWE Unlimited: Conway gets decked by Hunter on his way tot he ring. He’s dropped his gay outfit for normal wrestling shorts.
Back to the show. Rob is introduced as Mr. Money in the Bank, but Shelton Benjamin follows him out in his new pimp gear.
Rob Van Dam vs. Rob Conway
RVD takes advantage of the distraction and attacks early form behind. He hits Rob with a reverse elbow, but RVD fights him off with kicks. Conway goes to the outside and gets slammed into the walls on the outside. RVD sets him up on the wall for the leaping leg drop off the apron. Rob is rolled back in, decked and the Five Star finishes. Damnit, I blinked!
Special Match "Fact": RVD has as many or MORE nicknames than Triple H, which may be one of the many reason Hunter keeps him down.
Shelton told us during the match that Rob should put out an open invitation for the briefcase, because Shelton wants some. Tard interviews him on the ring ramp asking him what he thinks of that. RVD says he won’t put it on the line just because Shelton wants it. Rob counters with the same offer for the belt. in the back, Mickie is interviewed by Maria. Maria has to remind her she isn’t from Toronto, Trish is. Mickie offers Maria a shot at the title tonight and gives Maria Stratusfaction Guaranteed. They pimp See no Evil as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I thought Brokeback Mountain was a pretty Scary Movie myself...
Back to the show. Raw is brought to you by Bowflex!...and Chuck Norris!...and Puppies! Somebody who I don’t recognize invites Kane to him and gives us our exclusive look at See no Evil....Looks gay.....I’ll probably go see it. When we come back Kane is gone and the joker tells us he left the area and can’t be found.
We have the Spirit Squad introduced for us. In the back Kane is walking through the back as some whispering voice tells him the date of my birthday for some reason. He goes into a crazy fit. Show approaches him and says it’s okay. EUGENE. Commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Silent Hill sure is freakin’ loud.
Back to the show. Show and Kane arrive. The Spirit Squad is allowed to use any two members they wish apparently.
Big Show & Kane vs. World Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad (Tag Team Title Match)
Show attacks to begins with annihilating his chosen Squad member with his SKILLET HANDS! Johnny gets tossed around and scooped slammed before Show choke shim on the middle rope. Show’s fist is called a shot-put and Johnny eats a shushed chop in the corner. Show tosses him back to their corner and Kane tags in to big cheers. Kane arms drags Johnny to the ground where we can see Show’s handprints on his chest. Nicky tags in, the former caddy, and tries to pull on Kane’s leg like a horny dog.
Nicky’s attempt at a dropkick gets him flipped completely over. Johnny saves Nicky and catches Kane with a reverse elbow in the corner. He counters Kane’s counter with a cross body, but gets no count. Kane drops him and tags in Show. Show gives Johnny a headbutt and his head is declared a bowling ball now. The Squad distracts Show, but Johnny is still out. Show drags Johnny around and headbutts him again. Show military presses a Squad member who screams like a girl until he is tossed upon the rest of them as we go to commercial.
Random Commercials Thought: Everyone run! Wynona Jud is going to sing!
Back to the match. Kane is on defensive now, the Squad actually getting a heart-stopping ONE count. Kane takes a hard dropkick to the midsection, sending him to the outside for a group beatdown until Show chases them off. Kane gets tossed back in for Nicky to tag in Johnny and double team him. Johnny and Nicky keep working on Kane’s knee in their corner, making quick tags. They do a stupid looking double leg pull for two. Kane eats an odd drop toe hold for two. He gets dragged by his foot back to the Squad corner and more double teaming ensues. Nicky gets like a one count. Kane starts to fight back with elbows, but they shut him down and gives him a double suplex. but Kane sits up, grabbing his head. They try to beat him back down, and end up clotheslining him over the ropes.
Kane fights off both men outside the ring and throws them back in. He tosses the bell ringer out of his seat and grabs a chair, then another. He throws the chair sin the ring to a DQ.
Winners: The Squad
Special Match "Fact": I didn’t care about this match! Imagine that.
Kane begins delivering Chokeslams as Show yells at him. Kane grabs a chair and pulls it out of the ref’s hands before choke slamming the ref. Show approaches him and asks what is going on. Show keeps telling Kane that it’s him, but Kane shoves him off. Show shoves back and they get all up in each others faces. Show says he’s out of his freaking mind and Kane nods, turning away before coming back for an attempted Chokeslam. Show tries to hammer Kane’s arms off his throat and fails so he grabs Kane's throat. Kane overpowers Show’s hold and Chokeslams him to a big pop. Elsewhere we see vince and Shane in a church as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Dr. Who has been remade as most classic Sci-Fi shows have now....and blows as most remakes of classic Sci-Fi shows do.
Back to the show. Cena is interviewed by that same random guy as Kane. He says he and Hunter are best of friends, but HHH better not get in his face, because he doesn’t mind making either of them tap out. We return to our previously interrupted broadcast of Vince in the court of God. Shane asks if this is a good idea. Vince says he likes the windows and has never been in a place like this before. Vince is surprised that the collection plate doesn’t take credit cards. Vince uses the Holy Water to imitate Triple H wondering how Hunter does that. Shane looks incredulous. EUGENE. Vince makes an ass out of himself with this whole segment. in fact. Enough of recapping this shit Let’s skip to the commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Wolf Creek is as real as horror gets without slaughtering children in your back yard.
Back to the show. Armondo Estrada is back introducing his name again. He present Umaga again (*cough*Jamal*cough*).
Umaga w/ Estrada vs. Random Dude
Umaga beats this guy around and sets him in the corner for the ass charge. He drags the guy by his leg back to the center of the ring and goes up to the second rope for a diving headbutt. Umaga present his taped up thumb and does a pressure hold to the guy’s neck for total crowd apathy and the win.
Special Match "Fact": Jamal’s finisher used to be a the corner charge he set up his now finisher with.
We get a Smackdown Rebound and the announcers pimp the main event on our way to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: How it feel to be better than everyone else? Pretty DAMN good. Thanks for asking.
Back to the show. Carlito is in the ring. Carlito talks about having dropped some dead weight in Masters calling him a piece of shit and other things. Masters interrupts and says he’s going to beat Carlito’s ass at Backlash. They argue over who screwed who at which match. Masters says he may have thrown the match at Wrestlemania on purpose to get even. Carlito calls that the stupidest plan ever and almost as stupid as the Masterlock. Carlito wants a Masterlock Challenge right now. Masters lists the big names who have never broken the lock.
Carlito prepares himself in the chair with his arms in the air. Masters tells the ref to take the apple and Carlito won’t give it up at first. He tosses the apple into the air and Masters catches it. After he does, Masters slaps him in the back of the head and walks away. Carlito pops up takes the chair and clocks Masters in the face with it to end that challenge.
We find out WWE will be in Nottingham, beware the Sheriff!...if he hasn’t been shot.
Random Commercial Thought: I like to catch them and let them go too...but they call that stalking around here.
Back to the show. They replay Chavo from last week. Next week we have JR interviewing Chavo. The announcers discuss him. Mickie is on her way out, followed by Maria when we go to commercial again?!
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t want to wake up with the King, I’d never be able to shower enough to make that okay.
Back to the show.
Women’s Champion Mickie James vs. Maria (Women’s Title Match)
Mickie stomps Maria from the start, kicking her around and kneeing her in the gut, but Maria rolls through for one. Maria gets a waist lock on, but Mickie elbows her off and begins choking her with a boot to the throat on the ground. MJ kicks Maria around some more and stomps her to the mat. Maria eats a scoop slam, but rolls out of the way out the flying forearm. Maria kicks Mickie on a corner charge, but Mickie blocks the follow-up clothesline. Mickie escapes a fireman’s carry to a sunset flip for nothing and then rolls up for one. Maria begins to fight back, rocking Mickie into the ropes until she takes a midsection shot that crumples her. Maria stumbles to her feet and eats the Mick Kick for three.
Winner: Mickie James
Special Match "Fact": Mickie James does indeed have bigger boobs than Trish Stratus....just thought I’d point that out.
Post match, Mickie James arrives...er...I mean Trish Stratus as Mickie James. She raises Mickie’s hand and kisses her. Okay...this is Eugene too. Commercials!
Random Commercial Thought: Okay, where have all the good commercials gone? Somebody tell me!
Back to the show. Triple H is played in to his usual theme. PICK ONE DAMN YOU! Cena is next and he and Hunter stare down as we wait for Edge. Edge drags his trophy bitch with him.
Edge w/ Lita vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Triple H (Tag Team Handicap Match)
Edge attacks Cena from behind and beats him down as Hunter walks away. Edge pummels him in the corner. Cena clotheslines Edge and gets the Belly to belly for two. Edge uses Lita a as shield on the outside and throws her at Cena to get in a cheap shot. Edge tosses Cena back in for two and put shim in the corner. Cena hits a suplex out of the corner for two of his own. hunter blind tags in. Hunter sidesteps a charge by Edge and hits a knee to the gut. Lita flaunts herself on the ropes, getting HHH’s attention for Edge to come from behind. Edge baseball slides Hunter off the apron and to the floor.
Hunter eats announce table and steal steps as well. Edge restarts the count. Edge throws Hunter in for a two count and sets him in the corner. Cena is demanding a tag. Edge taunts The Game on the ground and hits an Edge-o-matic for two. Triple H starts a comeback and wins a fist fight with Edge to gain momentum. Edge eats a knee to the chin but then hits the Edge-u-cution DDT. Both men drag themselves up and Hunter sidesteps the Spear, countering with a spinebuster. Hunter seems reluctant to tag, but he finally does and Cena unleashes on Edge with the protobomb. Cena hits the Five Knuckle shuffle and signals for the FU. Hunter pulls Edge form the FU and hits the pedigree on him instead. Cena gets pissed and FUs Triple before putting Edge in the STFU.
Special Match "Fact": STFU stands for Shut the Fuck Up. In case anyone didn’t get the "joke". Though joke is usually defined as something funny.
Highlight of the Night: The Main Event was rather well done. I enjoyed it.
Lowlight of the Night: What the fuck was that offensive shit with Vince and Shane in the church? I believe there should be a Separation of Church and Wrestling.
Eugene Award: Kane hears voices and they aren’t the ones he usually hears!
That’s how our show ends, and I need to be off.
WWE RAW RANT: (04/17/06) By Cameron Burge
Actually no, you’re not welcome you moochers. Write your own recap! I quit!
....Okay apparently Sean, (who is currently holding me at gunpoint) says that contract I signed in blood apparently entails him to ownership of my soul, so I’m here for now. And aren’t you lucky? For now we can continue the saga of Kane’s Voices and Vince’s search for God. Oh boy!
Show opens with theme and pyro, leading into Vince McMahon in all his smarmy lameness. The Vinnie waddles his way to the ring for us. Vince says the question is will Mr. McMahon go to hell? Vince says Shane asked him that question last week. He says he may have offended Shane in a small way and perhaps everyone else in a larger way. In that case he is here to set the record straight, and the answer is no. He says it is because he was there earlier this morning (He was on Smackdown?). He claims hell is east St. Louis. He says he believes in all religions because they are all the same and he has his own personal new religion that he’s been practicing for 40 years. It’s called McMahonism. Vince goes on to ask what it would be like if this had been around earlier, like when Michelangelo had painted the chapel. We see pictures of Vince in several religious art pictures on the Titantron. He gives his own Commandments.
He asks what if it spread all over the world, even Asia (Buddha pic). We even get him with the former Pope. The crowd chants "boring" and Vince assures us it isn’t for this is the theology of the future. He tells us to boo him all we want (can do!). Vince starts saying we will all convert except for Shawn. And if he is lying he should be struck down, and at that moment Owen Hart drops out of the ceiling and crushes him.
Okay, maybe that didn’t happen. Vince praises his glory as Shawn sneaks up behind him to nail him with a Superkick just after Vince guaranteed victory. Shawn leaves and suddenly comes running back after a bit to do the DX Suck it sign in front of Vince on the ground for the first time since Triple H Pedigreed him after the false reunion as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Silent Hill is the bad ass Stepbrother of Resident Evil.
Back to the show where they replay what we just saw. We come to the back with Vince being helped along when Hunter shows up and says he should probably lay off the God stuff. Vince says there will be a sign and asks Hunter what he said last week because he sees and hears everything. Vince dredges up the fact Hunter called him an old man so tonight it will be Edge and Cena vs. hunter to round out our Trifecta of Handicap Matches.
Back to ringside with Rob Conway. Conway says he’s had enough and he is nobody’s punching bag. He tells us his name and the next person that dares to disrespect him will be dealt with...and we have fire. Kane is here for this match. They say Kane freaks whenever he hears the release date of his new movie.
Rob Conway vs. Kane
Rob tries to open early and eats a Big boot and huge clothesline. Conway gets crushes in the corner with another clothesline then decked with another boot. Kane grabs the Con Man by the throat and hauls him off the ground for a chokeslam and the win.
Special Match "Fact": My birthday is also May 19th and I expect to be seeing this movie that day, simply because I’m hoping to add another incredibly bad movie to my collection.
Kane accuses Lillian of saying May 19th after the match and grabs her by the throat. he goes to chokeslam on the outside when Big Show’s theme interrupts. Kane throws Lillian away and faces off with Show in the ring. Show talks to Kane and asks what the big deal about May 19th is anyway. Kane grabs Show by the throat and Show drops to a knee as Kane screams at him until Show overpowers and Choke Slams Kane. At least Show is wearing pants for once. Classic Rock pants actually. As Show leaves, Kane sits up as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: If you want, you can see the Silent Hill preview after the show...but I’m sure you don’t want.
Back to the show. Chavo is getting a mic as Jim "I got fired, HONEST!" Ross is ready to interview him. They run a video package of why he quit before we go to JR and Chavo in the nondescript room. JR asks if Chavo reconsidered the decision. Chavo says he made his decision hastily and the fans feel the same way. Btu the more he thinks about it, he made a promise to everyone including Eddie and let us all down. JR asks if Eddie would approve of him quitting his life’s work. Chavo says he thinks Eddie would have been disgusted with his loss.
Chavo says he isn’t cut out for wrestling and maybe he can be a Real Estate broker. He says he won’t be disgracing anyone by doing that. JR says there will be a lot of other matches and he speaks for everyone by saying Eddie wouldn’t approve. Chavo says it wasn’t just one loss, but a monumental turn in his life. Chavo says his wrestling career has come to an end as we go back to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Subway gets bitches! Who knew?
Back to the show. Coach tells us, he is filling in for Lillian the rest of the night. Styles wonders if we can just keep him on that job instead of commentary. If Shelton wins the match, he faces RVD for the MITB at Backlash and if Shelton loses he faces RVD for the IC Title. Who will he face (opponent selected by RVD)? CHARLIE FUCKING HAAS.
Charlie Haas vs. Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin (Non-Title Match)
Haas charges the ring to a very surprised Shelton. Charlie opens early, landing clotheslines and lighting Shelton up in the corner. Benjamin eats suplex after suplex until he backflips out of one only to be counter-countered. Haas chucks Shelton from the ring. Charlie follows Shelton out and lays in with chops and asks Shelton if he forgot about him. Shelton’s head eats the ring apron. Shelton dodges a slingshot senton and goes on the offensive. Shelton lands a stiff clothesline and chokes Charlie out on the ropes. Shelton sends Charlie to the floor and the former partner of Rico eats steps. Charlie regains the advantage for a brief moment then takes a hard shot onto the floor.
Shelton flings Charlie back in over the rope and uses a rear chin lock. Haas telegraphs a back body drop, but finally does catch Shelton by dodging the dragon whip. Shelton and Charlie get in a fistfight until Haas misses a dropkick. Shelton hits a belly to back suplex as Charlie chants begins. Shelton hits the Rolling Thunder on Charlie, rolling around and laughing in the corner. Shelton hits the Stinger Splash in the corner following up with a full Round Kick. Shelton goes up top for the Five Star, but when Charlie dodges he rolls through to save himself. Charlie, however, rolls Benjamin up for three.
Special Match "Fact": Shelton Benjamin is the only Team Angle member to never be Tag Team Champion with someone else (Angle And Charlie have both held the titles with different partners).
They pimp the Main event and run a Diva photo shoot special as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The Revolution is apparently in a chick’s ass according to the Bowflex commercials.
Back to the show. The Rerun the kiss cam and we go to McMahon with an ice pack on his face as Estrada comes in and introduces himself. He says he has converted to McMahonism and would like to make a donation. He donates his man’s services and asks for a match of Umaga vs. Shawn Michaels. Vince is down with that. Shelton then arrives asking for help. Shelton claims to have seen a light after the match and McMahonism is the light. He gets on his knees and begs for McMahon to save his disciple.
Back to ringside with Coach introducing Umaga as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Who the hell is watching all these Steven Segal movies?
Back to the show. They replay the Michaels/McMahon issue. Shawn finally arrives.
Shawn Michaels vs. Umaga w/ Estrada
Shawn tries rights on Umaga, time after time until he gets crushed with a clothesline. Umaga launches a very stiff looking Side kick to Michaels that sends him to the floor as Vince comes down the ramp. Vince comes and sits at ringside while Umaga puts Michaels on the announce table. Michaels stumbles around and crawls toward the ring, but Umaga doesn’t wait, unleashing on him and sending him back to the table face first. Umaga tosses Shawn back in and crushes him with a splash.
Michaels fires up with right, making Umaga stumble until he is knocked back down to eats a running headbutt. Umaga chops on Michaels in the corner and charges into a boot to the face. Michaels attacks with chops and tries to whip Umaga, but eats the corners himself instead. Michaels is set up for the ass charge in the corner, but he dodges. Michaels hits the flying forearm, but Umaga doesn’t drop. Michaels kips up and does it again to finally down him. A second kip up and Michaels hits the flying forearm.
Michaels goes to the corner and begins tuning up the band, but McMahon grabs his legs. The ref gets onto Vince as Umaga charges, but Michaels dodges. Umaga whips Michaels to the other corner into a Tree of Woe. Umaga crushes Michaels with charges in the corner. Umaga keeps choking the ref off as he beats on Michaels earning a DQ.
Special Match "Fact": If I learned one thing from the movie Serenity, it’s that never really on nerve clusters to win. All you need is one guy with a shrapnel wound who’s had that particular one moved to mess up your whole day.
Michaels takes a thumb shot to the neck nerve, but Vince demands he get to finish it himself. He ties Michaels in the ropes and McMahon lifts a chair...which is struck by lightning. He goes back to the ring and another explosion goes off, causing Vince to run as Michaels lays in a cross position on the ropes, with his head bleeding. Vince looks back from the ramp and a flame wall pops up in front of him. Vince runs away as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: A commercial for Kane’s new movie ran. Still looks pretty bad.
Back to the show. They show what just happened. Vince drives away in his limousine with stained glass windows. They run a This Week in Wrestling History segment about Rock throwing Austin off a bridge and having a funeral. Matt Striker is out next. Matt says what we just saw in Wrestling History is what is wrong with our generation. He says they are both awful and because he is Matt Striker and he used to be a professional teacher. this begins "What?" chants. Matt says his students could tell him verbatim what happened on Raw but not the Bill of Rights. He calls the Gateway to the West the Epicenter of Ignorance and says it is because people are more concerned with being cool than smart.
He says School is Cool and if we don’t agree he’ll give us an F. He tells us to write this next part down when Carlito arrives. Carlito says Striker stole his apple for his set and takes it back. Carlito says he always thought it was more important to be cool and he tried to explain it to teachers who were like Matt...stupid. Carlito says he once took his teacher’s apple and spat it in his face. He then says the Principal came up to him and said, "Good Job." Carlito then says he was just kidding and got expelled. Carlito says he wants to live through that day again and goes to eat the apple. Matt cuts him off and says Carlito is to spitting apple as Matt Striker is to giving him the worst beating of his life. They brawl, but Strike gets his ass beat bad until Masters attacks form Behind with the MASTERfull Nelson.
They pimp the main event as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: zombie movies are the single most common type of horror movie.
Back to the show where RVD is here, forced into a handicap match. It’s another Spirit Squad match. Oh joy...
World Tag Team Champion The Spirit Squad vs. Rob Van Dam (Handicap Match)
The first member jumps and rolls in, getting tossed back out. The next tries to kick RVD, but he catches the kick and make shim kick another member. RVD launches over the ropes at the remaining members until they all attack him and beat him down. They hit the high spirits (that stupid cheer toss move) and Mikey goes up for the flying leg drop and the win.
Winners: Spirit Squad
Special Match "Fact": Real winners? Gay Pride.
Maria is asking Trish (as Mickey) which she is and the Trish-Mickie says there is a surprise waiting for Mickey (the real one?) in the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I fell into a burning ring of fire. I went down down down...
Mickie(Trish) has a big box in the ring as we come back. She asks if we remember when Mickie (real one) gave her a present. Trish (Mickie) arrives and we find out it is Trish’s boyfriend Jack in the box (PUN!). She asks what Jack thinks and pulls the tape off, he says both these bitches are nuts. Trish apparently wants to prove that Mickie (real one) doesn’t love him and thus is not Trish. Trish(Mickie) then says he is and attacks. Mickie( er..one of them) hits a spinebuster. Trish then attacks Jack for cheating on her...confused yet?
Edge meets Hunter in the back wondering if things will keep going the way they are allowing him to pin Hunter. Hunter says Cena will stab him in the back like he did last week. Hunter is talking Edge down on Cena some more as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: There never seems to be much Order in Law & Order...or much law for that matter. Should we call it &?
Back to the show where they replay Kane/Show. They then play a preview for See No Evil and run down the Backlash card. Then we go to more commercials after Edge comes out (Of the closet?).
Random Commercial Thought: Was busy. with what? Your mom.
Back to the show. For some reason Hunter comes out next even though Cena is Edge’s partner.
WWE Champion John Cena & Edge w/ Lita vs. Triple H (Tag Team Handicap Match)
The real question here is why have the second two handicap matches been tag matches when the first of Edge/Hunter vs. Cena wasn’t?
Cena starts with Hunter, The crowd is hot for this match, Cena picking up a near fall and Hunter then taking over with a reverse elbow. The Game unleashes with right and a suplex to big cheers and gets a huge pop on the Suck it sign before picking up two. Cena stops a back body drop and hits clotheslines followed by the Protobomb. Cena signals for Five Knuckle to both cheers and boos, but Triple H gets a big pop with a spine buster reversal. Edge tags himself in then clobbers Cena through the ropes.
Triple H counters another back body drop (Hunter needs to stop trying those). Edge eats a spine buster and Hunter takes him downtown for two with a neckbreaker. Edge eats a face crusher, but superkicks Hunter to take control. Cena runs in and clobbers Edge around, but Hunter grabs him for a pedigree. Cena reverses into an FU and everyone collides into the ref. Hunter goes under the ring for the Sledgehammer. Remember when Regal was using the power of the punch and every ref checked him for knux? They should start checking the ring for Sledgehammers before Triple H matches. Hunter sledgehammers Cena, but Edge spears The Game and picks up three.
Winners: Edge & Cena
Special Match "Fact": Lita’s sperm count is higher than most men’s.
Edge and Lita celebrate as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Shelton/Haas of course. A nice surprise match that came out of nowhere. It was good to see Haas back in the ring even if he was sporting that Homeless Beard look from being fired still.
Lowlight of the Night: Spirit Squad vs. RVD. Point? None. Entertainment value? None. Seeing RVD fly higher than he ever does on his own? Priceless.
Eugene Award: Vince McMahon meets the Wrath of God (Not the Magic: The Gathering card). What the hell man? Completely lame and pointless. If they have a bearded man show up at Backlash and slap Vince around I will quit wrestling.
Oh Pimps oh Pimps, Where Have Thee Been?
The pimps are back, just in time to bring you Canadian Bacon in his debut in the (hold your breath for this one) "BACON'S BIGTIME IMPACT RÉPORT OF AWESOMENESS THAT'S BETTER THAN REMY'S". I think I got all that in there.
In the Demented Diatribe of Doom, Remy (whom was suspiciously absent from TNA hmm...) looks at the day he spent with the Honky Tonk Man.
Derek Burgan’s Curtain Jerkers are still running strong. it’s Episode six and Triple H and company must combat flesh-eating superstars in Halloween Havoc.
Harry Simon’s Clustershmazz presents the Recapitiation of the first TNA Lockdown. All Cage Matches? No problem! Variety? Er...
Didn’t get enough of Sean’s demented Canadian Rambling last time? Well now, you too can hear more of TWF Radio. In episode two, Sean talks on everything from God to the Iron Sheik. Listen and laugh (and send large checks).
Joe Merrick’s got the Lowdown on Smackdown. Too bad there isn’t much to be got. Khali tries to talk, and Randy Orton get "injured." It’s all in good fun as Joe takes you through Friday nights.
James Walker returns in his White Vans and Candy. in this edition it’s Inside the Wrestler’s Studio with James Lipton and the Boogeyman. Children’s rhymes have never been quite so disturbing.
WWE RAW RANT: (04/24/06) By Gershon Levy
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).