Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

Here Comes The Payne!

Brad Macleod
 

Here Comes The Payne! (04/28/05) By Brad Macleod
 
Well, another PPV is coming up. It doesn't really seem like it, especially on the Raw side of things. The only real story lines they have is Batista/HHH, Jericho/Benjamin. Other than that, it is Michaels/Hassan, and the problem there is that the return of Hulk Hogan is over shadowing the story.

Benoit and Edge have a hastily put together Last Matt....I mean, Man Standing match. (That was my one and ONLY Matt/Edge joke. I have my reasons)

This has the capacity to be a show stealer, along with Jericho/Benjamin, but, there hasn't really been much hype towards it. At Mania, Edge squished Benoit's arm, and did it again on Raw. That, with a brawl or two, leads us to a LMS match? There should have been more build up. But, that can't happen, because it would take away from the HHH show. He isn't the champ, and he STILL gets all the TV time.

Granted, the last Batista segment was amazing. As one writer would have put it, "I love shoot comments that aren't supposed to be shoot comments."

Batista has improved GREATLY, even in the short time since I have dis-graced the halls of the Fan. At one point in time, I said he was a 'roided up freak, with no personality. Now, I been shown different. His character has gone beyond the one-dimensional monster, but, again, it can only go so far before HHH pisses down his back,and tells him it's raining.

There is really no other way to do it. There is no one available to fill a main event position. HHH killed them all. So, the title goes back to HHH, and we have him squash everyone for another year, and we get told that is the best for the business.

Sure.

Speaking of killing, it is no secret that I want the Big Show to go crazy and just kill everyone. Going with the fatal four way tonight, he has been killed off again. Once again, there has been no retribution for his head getting shaved, for his girlfriend getting kidnapped, or any of the indignities that has befallent the Giant. Personally, if I was WIght, I would start throwing my weight around and start MAKING people respect me.

Now, back to Raw, Kane vs Mark Henry....I mean, Viscera. Is that REALLY PPV worthy?

Sorry, but didn't you think the Vis/Trish date was a little TOO reminiscent of Henry/Chyna?

Why, oh why, are the WW just rehashing really crappy old storylines and gimmicks?

Again, speaking of old gimmicks, we now have Buh Buh Ray Dudley, Version 2. A.K.A. M-M-M-M-M-Matt Morgan. IF anyone remember the old ECW, you would remember that Buh Buh started with the stuttering gimmick. After Mongo Vyle, of course.

Once again, Eddie vs. Rey will grace our screens.

SD, though a bit more entertaining, is really running out of things to do. How many Cena/Booker matches did we have to sit through? And that was BEFORE the "Best of" series. Now, Rey/Eddie is the match of the month....literally. Rey is already boasting a 4-0 streak over Eddie, meaning, in recent history, Rey and Eddie have faced off 4 times. Even holding a match at Mania. Now, they will go at it....AGAIN!!!!

Jibble has "earned" his way into the number one spot, and I hope this just ends with Cena beating JIbble with a sound beating, then going on to lose the title to Angle. Have the feud end with Angle coming out on top, then Show has a turn. Give it to Taker one more time before he retires. Even if it is just his classic one month reign. Then, give it back to Cena, have him feud with Jibble again.

See the stories? At least SD has a couple of near-credible main eventers. Raw has HHH and HHH's opponent this month. Poor Raw.

Now, again, it is no secret that I am/was a hardcore (pun half intended) ECW  mark. Now, with the ECW came the Triple Threat.

Part of the Threat is gone for good. My condolences to the family of Chris Candido. Let's just hope Tammy grieves enough to get thin, then she can be single again. And, ya know, bereavement sex is just about the best there is!

Okay, that was wrong. But, I don't give a shit.

In all seriousness, that was a shocker, finding out about Candido. I was watching Lockdown, and saw the break. Then, I open my browser to find out he is dead. Broken Sunday, operation Monday, dead Thursday. Talk about a bad week!!!

Shit like that hits hard to someone like me. Candido was 4 years older than me. Imagine dying of a simple staph infection at 33. Jesus.

Austin has gone through it, with his elbow. Taker went through one in his forearm. Nash is going through one in his leg. And Candido dies from it. Fuck.

What really pisses me, is that it killed the only TALENTED one of the bunch. (Yes, that was a knock against Taker. Enjoy it, it doesn't happen often)

I am in the midst of re-taping all my old ECW stuff. Just like Owen, Crash, Rocco Rock, and the others, I will look at Candido with new eyes for a while.

Anyway, I am signing off for this week. I have a head cold, and that amount of thinking I have just done has just about worn the shit out of my Advil and Benalyn. (Hey, who knew you couldn't take Benalyn while taking depression medication? What a trip!)

Until next time, consider yourself Purified.....through PAYNE!

Send feedback to Payne Macleod

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).