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STAND 2008
By Joe Merrick
I dedicate this recap to you, the wrestling fans.

For without you, I would be sat at my TV right now, watching South Park reruns and drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle.

God damn it, I hate you people.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, to the newest induction to the ‘Hall of Lazy Joe Columns;, the One Night Stand 2008 Recap! Personally speaking, if I had a One Night Stand that ended up with as many additions as this, I’d have called the Abortion Clinic by now to be quite frank. Although, in saying that, it appears some of these wrestlers already did. ZING.

And so we commence the most ludicrous looking event of the entire decade. The inconsistent name of the PPV has already been mentioned but, look at this card. I again state that I have not followed wrestling at all recently, bar one Smackdown Episode last week, and by God, first impressions of this event have reaffirmed my status to not have anything to do with wrestling in the slightest. It’s not so much the quality of the matches that look bad, it’s the fact that Shawn Michaels, for example, is competing at a One Night Stand PPV. Did I miss a memo?

Anyways, here it is, in all its glory. First match:

Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga: Falls Count Anywhere

A nice enjoyable opening match, admittedly. Jeff hits a Whisper in the Wind (Jeff’s alternative name for the move, Silent but Deadly, fell on deaf ears apparently. And noses) but it doesn’t get the pin. Umaga hits what I think is a Boss Man Slam, but JR (HE’S calling ONS?) calls it as the Black Hole Slam. Fanboys dance gleefully. It falls into the crowd and we’ve got a brawl on our hands.

Umaga gets some chair shots in and Jeff does that too few of us get an opportunity to do: Hit a guy with a traffic cone. Bravo, Jeff. Umaga ruins the moment by no selling, but Jeff restores the Awesome ratio by twatting him with a fire extinguisher. No wonder this guy’s house burned down, though, shit.

The fight literally escalates as both men end up on top of a production crew truck, but Umaga is knocked down and then SWANTON’D by Jeff onto concrete. Ok, that shit ruled.

Winner: Jeff Hardy

Possible backstage interaction between the Combatants:

Umaga: Why is your hair bright colours?
Jeff: Oh, it’s my new look for this week. I found some dyes in your room

Mick Foley on commentary, and he tries to explain the basics of a stretcher match. I’m sorry, but have you ever seen a sillier idea for a match? ‘I hate you so much, I’m gonna get you to a doctor, STAT.’ If that’s your idea of a match, then hell, get the Paramedics to act as Lumberjacks whilst youre at it.

Tommy Dreamer vs. CM Punk vs. John Morrison vs. Big Show vs. Chavo Guerrero: Singapore Canes on Poles Mat- Wait what?

Big Show smiles like a jackass because of his advantage in this match: Height. Well It’s not like he’d be fucked if the canes were put on the floor is all I’m saying.

Show starts things off by kicking ass the way only a fat man can. Shitty-looking. Ah, I kid. I kinda have a soft spot for Show. I hear he has one for me too. His colon. Hey here’s a question: Why doesn’t he just grab a cane, skewer the other guys and have some shish-kebaby faces?

Anyways the others gang up and then cane the holy hell out of him. I think I heard the poor guy yell ‘My chopsticks were never meant to be used like this!’ but then again, I hear a lot of things. Some guy called Merriman accidentally gets caned and so comes in and SHIIIT he just dented Chavo’s CRANIUM to FUCK with that cane. Yowch.

Miz makes an unwelcome appearance, but gets scared off by Show and nearly annihilated by the steps before Morrison steps in to assist. Dreamer nearly gets hit by Punk’s Go2Sleep but avoids, and then puts on a Cloverleaf. I’d have marked out if this move was filmed with a handcam and then the Statue of Liberty’s head gets chucked into the ring. Worth noting that for some reason Tommy is wearing white pants. Dude, stay the hell away from bright colours. Did you learn nothing from your green suspender days?

Show is on a rampage and busts out a trashcan full of canes. Oh shit. Rumours that the can previously contained beans are unsubstantiated. He clobbers the hell out of everyone then choke slams Tommy, before caning him again. Pins with one foot, and that’s it.

Winner: Big Show

Vince is backstage, announcing something called McMahon’s Million Dollar Mania, and promises details for tomorrow. WHATCHA GONNA DOOOOO, when rich white men, RUN WILD, ON, YOOOOOOU.

John Cena vs. JBL: First Blood Match

Oh, this old chestnut. No point in this match, there’s no chance Cena is gonna lose. He joined the Crips.

After removing all the turnbuckles, the men go at each other with punches. Cena gets a few boos by a select few in the crowd after every move he does. Ya see that, Vince? That’s the sound of those fans you ‘conditioned’ to like ECW. Jackass.

JBL’s got the upper hand here and hit’s a couple of big boots, punches, and then tries weapons, such as chairs and then uses the mic to hit Cena repeatedly. Cena makes a come back, however, and manages to hit his trademark moves, because, pfft, hell, not like he knows any others. A fist drop, Johnathan? Oh you make me so proud. The FU is narrowly avoided, as are steps that JBL chucks at Cena.

JBL then tries to DDT Cena onto steps but ends up just falling on them. Cena returns the favour and hits JBL with the mic and then grates JBL’s face on the steps. Eventually JBL gets a chain and hits Cena in the ribs with it, but then the FU makes its appearance. JBL rallies after that, though, and gets Cena stuck on the ropes, and then mysteriously goes backstage. Is Paul London taking a shower or something?

He comes back out with…a whip? HAAAHAHAHAHAAA. Indiana Bradshaw: Raider of the Soaped Ass. Either that, or WWE’s new movie is gonna be The Passion of the Cena. Only man ever to kick out of a Crucifixion.

The whip isn’t used however, as Cena counters with a low blow, then hit’s the STFU using the chain, as JBL bleeds from the mouth. This is of course not a legit juice, but JBL just bit on a blood filled condom (Irony). Just hope the donor isn’t Bob Orton.

Winner: John Cena

Backstage again, and Orton bumps into Batista. Orton suggests that if they end up on the same brand, they should team up, but Batista does not respond. Oh BATISTA’S the one who’s offended by the idea? Let’s ask Orton how a Dave Piggyback feels like, shall we?

Melina vs. Beth Phoenix: I Quit Match

Interesting. As much as I havent followed wrestling, I do know of Beth’s awesomeness. Always said she’s exactly the thing that WWE tried to convince Chyna was back in the 90’s.

BAHAHAHAAA a photographer trips up as Beth makes her way to the ring, and then they REPLAY it just to make him look a complete tool. All it needed was comical cartoon effects to complete the illusion.

Melina slaps on a guillotine choke. Aww yeah. Beth tries to use a backbreaker submission move. Awwwww yeaaaaah. Melina hit’s a face buster FROM THE TOP and then hit’s the inverted STF. HWUUUUH.

Beth shows off her power by pulling Melina all the way out of the ring just to get out of the submission, and then hit’s a nice looking backbreaker. shoulder lock and Melina still wont quit.

An incredibly shitty looking fujiwara armbar is then used on Beth. Not so much shitty looking actually as just badly sold. Beth eventually actually escapes out of a triangle hold by using a power bomb. My god I love this woman. Hitting the Glam Slam, she hyper-extends Melina’s fucking SOUL until she submits. Nicely done by both women.

Winner: Beth Phoenix

I’ll be honest, ya know, this show is not bad at all so far. Just still seems kind of pointless that it’s One Night Stand having these matches, I dunno.

Backstage Mickie hits on Cena (Yeah, this’ll make him more relatable) but Adamle interrupts by acting like a goof. It’s a largely pointless sketch, but, HEY CHECK IT OUT, WIGGERS GET THE CHICKS, MAN.

Batista vs. Shawn Michaels: Stretcher Match

HBK ends up on the stretcher already, after getting clotheslined over the top right onto it, before being picked up and then dropped right back onto it. He comes back though and rams Dave into the stairs and the post, and then charges into him with the stretcher. What is the logic here? ’Hahaha! This instrument shall be your doom, and your salvation! Once I destroy you with it, it shall…take you to a hospital for a recovery.’ It’s so ludicrous. It’s like attacking a guy with a syringe full of morphine.

Eventually Shawn goes for the Sweet Chin Music but gets fucked over by a clothesline. Batista then goes for a DAVEBOMB over the rope ONTO the stretcher, but Michaels jumps down and slaps the foot to the face, and Batista is on the stretcher. He rolls off, however, before he can be put to the back.

Shawn then rams Batista with the stretcher over and over, but Dave blocks one and returns the favour. Spear, Batista Bomb, Shawn’s on the stretcher, but Y2J comes out to….give Shawn moral support? Batista says he isn’t sorry for what he’s doing them bombs Shawn again. Goes to push him out on the stretcher past the line, but Jericho interferes and prevents it, which Batista doesn’t seem to even mind. The hell?

Eventually HBK is wheeled across after he is dropped on the steps. That was just weird as hell.

Winner: Batista

HHH vs. Randy Orton: Last Man Standing for WWE Title

Oh, I get it! Every match is a stipulation match!

Wait. Stipulation RE-match.

Orton into the steps and on the announcer’s table. Into the post. Oh my god. HHH is absolutely killing this guy. Does H have no concept whatsoever of making your opponent, thereby yourself, looking credible? Ric Flair you will never fucking be, man.

Orton escapes a pedigree attempt on the table, and then hit’s a DDT off the table onto the floor. Finally, some interest. HHH then escapes an RKO onto exposed concrete. Orton then uses…the Garvin stomp? Oh dear. Then he clocks H with the steps for a 9 count, and then tries to choke him with electrical cord. This gets 8, and as soon as he gets up, an RKO is hit. HHH manages to get Orton out of the ring though (eh?) Bit of a dodgy landing, might have injured Orton.

One sledgehammer later, and Orton is out for 10. Oh.

Winner: HHH

Makes sense, I suppose. It’s possible Orton’s fucked up his collarbone so they had to improvise. Orton actually gets an applause for continuing.

Undertaker vs. Edge: TLC for World Heavyweight Title

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking for ward to this. Great build up and psychology for this match: Can Taker overcome someone else’s advantage?

Undertaker eats the ladder early through virtue of a baseball slide. Edge climbs, but gets pulled down.

Chair shots by Taker. Leg drop attempt is blocked by a chair shot as well, and this is hotting up to be an intense match already. Some more chair impact to Taker, and then Edge sets up a ladder between the apron and the barricade. Interesting.

ANOTHER chair shot. Taker ends up on a table, which he goes through via an Edge frog splash from the other table. TI-IIIGHT. Back in the ring again, Edge hit’s a spear. I’ll bite. I’m marking. Two more chair shots, and the ladder’s in the centre of the ring now. One man conchairto misses, but Taker hit’s the choke slam…ONTO the ladder that was set up before! NICE.

The Naturals appear as Taker climbs, and try to put him through a table but he fights back and puts them both through one each. Edge now goes up but Taker follows. And how he…OOOOAAAAWWWW. He just power bombed Edge off the top INTO TWO TABLES.

Chavo and…Bam Neely(?) Now interfere, stopping Taker from making progress. He lays them out with chairs and climbs once more, but Edge follows now, and pushes him off THROUGH 4 FUCKING TABLES. Edge wins, and now Taker is banished from WWE. Awesome AWESOME match.

Winner: Edge

Show ends with Vickie congratulating Edge. No jokes. That was fantastic.

As was the entire show, truth me told. Very glad to have done this PPV, it was strong. Only weak points were the weird ending to the Stretcher, and Orton’s injury warranting an abrupt ending. Besides these kinks, the show was all around fun. Thumbs way way up.

Well, that about wraps it up. I know I keep saying I don’t follow wrestling, but it’s true. Despite how good this show was, I’m not interested enough to follow it as a product. However, it was good to come back for a show as good as this.

See ya lat- what? What? Oh. Oh fine then.


Quota filled.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

***"Indiana John" pic created by Sean Carless.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).