Hey there Fuckies, I'm your
venerable host Sean Carless, and this is One Night
Stand. The third, actually. Which normally, I'd
think would make this a "relationship", but
considering what WWE's done to ECW this past year,
I'm opting to rechristen this Pay-per-view
"Completely Loveless Marriage" instead. Makes sense
First off, with our
regular recapmeister James Walker apparently
disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle, I somehow
hoped for an EARLY FESTIVUS MIRACLE, and somehow,
someway, a completed Rant would end up in my inbox
one way or the other. Unfortunately though, days
have past, no one gives a shit anymore, and my email
inbox is collecting more dust and cobwebs than your
grandparents genitals. In fact, the only thing I've
seen in 4 days is a myriad of promises to enlarge my
penis in 3 easy steps. And once they get it
down to one, I'll probably drop them a line.
Anyhoo... this takes us to right now. The One
Night Stand Recapitation. And ultimately, it, like
the ugliest stripper in the club, has somehow
unfortunately landed in my lap. And as such, I shall
now "recap" it... despite WWE hijacking the best
received PPV of the last two consecutive years,
to bump out those pesky "energetic fans" and "5 star
matches" so we could get our new "extreme"
(Boredom?) with guys like MARK HENRY, VINCE
MCMAHON & GREAT KHALI all headlining to a certain
extent. Dear God. And to boot, WWE has decided to
feature an ENTIRE card of gimmick matches. Because
that always worked so well for WCW. It's just a
shame they couldn't find fucking Zeus to throw in a
triple cage with Khali , Umaga and 10 other swollen
dudes to do a simultaneous job to John Cena &
Lashley. Oh well. But hey, I'd be lying if I said I
didn't still wish this was still an
entirely ECW-centric pay-per-view. Even if it had to
still be over-gimmicked. I mean, just imagine how
convincing and realistic a casket match Mike Awesome
would be capable of putting on! *Ahem*. Chances are
I just wanted to use that joke.
So, anyway, here we are.
And in honor of new ECW, I am vowing to put the
least amount of effort into this Rant possible. And
it's being done entirely as a LESSON to WWE, and not
say, because I had no real notes, no time to prepare
and am completely apathetic. Not even.
We are LIVE from the
EXTREME capital of the world, Jacksonville Florida!
Home of the most EXTREME fans on the planet...
guaranteed to give to most EXTREME controlled
reactions to EXTREMELY not-terrible match-ups like
Mark Henry vs. Kane, without any EXTREME
expectations like "quality". EC-DUB! EC-DUB! EC-DUB!
Your hosts are of course
the same 6 schmoes we see every month. Not included
within however is Hugo & Carlos, who were apparently
turfed once this whole Tri-branded business began.
And this was after breaking the fall of every
asshole and his brother for the last 10 years
straight, too. Is there no loyalty? Poor bastards.
Maybe someone finally told them that their headsets
haven't been plugged in for the last decade? I don't
know. All I do know is I picture them walking down
the side of a highway, dejected, holding the top
part of a table as the sad Hulk music plays.
Onto the show~!
Randy Orton vs. RVD: STRETCHER MATCH!
As Orton makes his
entrance, we get a video of Orton's recent
concussion inducing hijinx. And thank god he added
the soccer kick to his repertoire is all I can say,
because I doubt the vaunted CHINLOCK would be
capable of such damage. Actually, I take that back.
I get a concussion every time Orton wrestles,
because I usually bang my own head on the table
thanks to his completely tedious pace. I stand
Out next comes RVD, showing
no effect of the concussion, but hey, that's to be
expected. You're not exactly talking about a dude
who's not used to walking around in a complete daze
with a glassy look in his eye. The only
difference is Orton's version of that "experience"
doesn't involve Rob first meeting somebody in a
darkened alley out the back of their Volkswagen van.
Glad I could clear that up.
The match is now underway,
and RVD gets the immediate advantage as he does the
R-V-D gesture, kicking Orton in the head before he
gets the "Dam" in. I so have to try that next time
I'm introducing myself to somebody. Anyway, RVD
returns the concussion favor by kicking Randy Orton
in the head several times, which is great strategy.
What's not so great, is what happens next: going for
flippy shit in a match where the idea is to batter
your opponent into unconsciousness. I'd so love to
try and use Rob's offense in real life fights. "LAY
THERE STILL NOW, SO I CAN ROLL ON TOP OF YOU!" It'd
be awesome. Anyway, Orton eventually gets the
advantage after a straight shot to Rob's head which
eventually causes him to lose his balance and fall
off the top rope as he was attempting the Five-star
Frogsplash. And speaking of which, how awkward does
it have to be for the dude out there with the One
Star Frogsplash? He might as well pack it in.
said, Orton then goes to work on Rob's head, as I
get the visual from his point of view that
Rob's head has transformed into a hotel lamp, and
this compels him to smash it. Anyway, Orton tries to
Roll RVD (HIYO) onto the stretcher, but Rob falls
off. RVD eventually rallies briefly, with a kick
(SURPRISE~!), but back inside, Orton catches him
with a great powerslam as RVD went for Rolling
(papers?) Thunder. RVD however rallies one more
time, and knocks Orton to the floor. RVD then goes
for a Suicide Dive...but misses and lands violently
on the stretcher himself. Ouch. Hey, maybe they
should rename it the "Attempted Suicide dive"? I
mean, the motherfucker's still alive right? What
kind of message does this send to the kids? FINISH
WHAT YOU START, MISTER.
Anyhoo, Orton, puts Rob on
the stretcher, and begins to roll him to possibly
dump his lifeless body over the white line (you
know, the same way the U.S. health care system
works) but Rob awakens, kicks Orton, and quickly
puts him on the stretcher and rolls him over the
line to win the match! SWERVE~! That sure showed us
Smark fans who thought that Rob was actually losing
his final match! VINCE SURE STUCK IT TO US... by
actually putting a guy over we all wanted to win. I
feel humbled. Truly.
After the match, Orton
snaps and attacks RVD, laying him out on the
"concrete floor", so sayeth JR, with a sick DDT.
It's funny how concrete looks so much like a big
rubber mat to everyone else. Huh. It's no wonder
Tornadoes wreak the havoc they do in the south.
Maybe if they stopped making house foundations out
of this rubber concrete, they might hold up a little
better! [/got nothing]. Oh, ya, RVD is put on a
stretcher, and presumably loaded into the Cheech and
Chong Van with a siren on top. Good bye, Rob. Thanks
for the memories... that thanks to also following
your lifestyle choices, I can no longer remember for
more than a few weeks at a time. You'll be missed.
Wait. what were we talking about?
Winner: RVD! Who if all
goes well will at least get some medical marijuana
out of this whole "concussion" deal. It's all a
clever ruse! But hey, at least the dude
(Duuuuuuuuuuude) is getting a well deserved
vacation. Although, I can't picture Rob
transitioning into normal life very well. I bet
the real-life Mrs. Szatkowski only takes about 15
running monkey flips in the living room before she
INSISTS Rob get his (inordinately sweaty) ass back
-Backstage, Vince is with
Shane. He has a feeling something really bad is
going to happen tonight. Hey you booked the card!
Oh-- he meant, never mind. He says that he feels
he's being eaten up with a slow cancer. (Vince vs.
Cancer at Wrestlemania 24! Book it! Blood Cell in a
Cell! Or something!). Anyway, I have no idea what
this "slow eating cancer is" but I'm sure HHH and
Steph do. When I heard him say it, I instantly got
the visual of Steph and HHH high fiving each other,
realizing that the Uranium pillow they bought Vince
for Xmas is finally paying dividends and soon the
company will be ALL THEIRS! Mwhahahaha! You know,
before going bankrupt in under 2 years.
-Hey, look , there's the
*Official* WWE NASCAR! That's just what the business
needs to shake that whole Redneck image! I think.
Let me MULLET over. No, I was right.
CM Punk , Tommy Dreamer & The
Sandman vs. The New Breed: Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor
Von & Matt Striker: TABLES MATCH.
Honestly, I don't know
which team here makes less sense. The Straight-Edge
dude hanging out of with the chain-smoking alcoholic
or a preppy white guy hanging out with
two intimidating bruthas. There's a reason you don't
ever see your Biology teacher rollin' with the Crips
or the Bloods. Just saying. Anyway, speaking of
ridiculous, before we get under way, Joey Styles
takes it upon himself to explain to us how CM Punk
joined the New Breed only to infiltrate their ranks
and purposely SABOTAGE them from within... before
re-joining the Originals. That's a pretty
solid plan. Until you realize that he was only a
member of the group for like one fucking week.
Clearly, CM Punk should think about a job as an
undercover cop with his success rate. It just better
not be narcotics division, because I suspect that
cover would be blown in about 5 minutes. "YOU WANT A
REAL ADDICTION? TRY COMPETITION."
just in case you were wondering, this match
only ends when just one member of a team goes
through a table. The match starts off slow, but the
crowd wakes up when Tommy spikes Matt Striker with a
bulldog that he sells with a headstand which was
awesome. Almost as awesome as Joey Styles actually
having the restraint to not tell us that Matt was a
"disgraced New York City School Teacher" for once.
His career cut short for... something? I'm guessing
maybe never wearing pants with his sweater vest.
They frown on teachers practically freeballing it
for whatever reason. Tommy Dreamer and CM Punk then
shove each other, and Dreamer says "GET THE TABLES"
as Punk says "Why the fuck do I have to be
D-Von?". Ok, he didn't say that. But he should have.
Maybe Tommy gets to be Bubba because he seems to
have put on about 40 pounds in one week? Seriously.
Tommy has to be wearing the smallest fucking T-shirt
in recorded human history. He's one step away from
being Philip Seymour Hoffman in Boogie Nights here.
HIS BODY IS JUST TOO EXTREME FOR COMFORTABLY FITTING
CLOTHES. Anyway, with the tables in the ring,
Striker almost goes through, but Burke & Cor Von
save him. Sandman, who looks like he's been locked
in a Turkish Bathhouse for 6 weeks straight, goes up
for a the Heinekenrana on Striker from there, but he
gets pushed off to the floor. Seriously, Sandman
looked like shit here. He looks like he went to the
hospital to give blood and the nurse forgot to
ever take the intravenous needle out. Dear god.
Anyway, from there, The Marquis de Cor Von gives
Punk an Alpha Bomb, before going back to
shouldertacking those in 1700's France who don't
appreciate his pornographic sadomasochistic
writings. The New Breed then set up the table, to
presumably drive Punk through it, but Sandman, now
weighing 125 pounds, makes the save by caning Cor
Von, while Dreamer actually PILEDRIVES Burke. Yes, a
piledriver. I guess he missed the memo. Or maybe
it's ok to use it when WWE Agents don't care if
you die with it. I don't know. Punk then puts
Striker on the top for a superplex, and Dreamer puts
Burke on the table, and Punk superplexes Striker
through Burke and the table to pick up the win.
PEPSI FOR EVERYONE. Except Sandman. He needs a blood
transfusion. And stat.
Winners: ECW Kinda/sorta
-Backstage, Orton confronts
Edge. Thanks to the Draft, Edge could be NEXT. But
hey, considering Orton's military past, I'd figure
he'd go into hiding again until the draft was over.
GET IT? HE WENT AWOL. Boy am I drunk. Oh, and
Orton's match wrapped up like a half hour ago, why
isn't he wearing pants? Who wanders around aimlessly
in their underwear all day? Besides me?
Matt & Jeff Hardy (C) vs. Bacardi & Cola (Haas &
Benjamin): Ladder Match for World Tag Team Titles.
YES. This is actually the
match that convinced me to buy this Pay-per-view in
the first place. And by "buy", I mean, sent in a
check that I completely and totally *accidentally*
forgot to sign. That's right.
Anyway, this is The World's
Greatest Tag Team's big chance to get back on track.
And they better because if WWE hyperbole is to be
believed, they are the GREATEST TAG TEAM IN THE
WORLD. A world that Vince McMahon thinks has no
discernable cities in other countries, hence why
every foreign wrestler has no hometown and simply
represents their entire country, but the World
nonetheless. It's not their fault that Vince
McMahon's "World" is just the United States floating
in the middle of a blue ball. What can you do?
We are now underway,
and the ladder comes into play right away when The
Hardys sandwich both Haas & Benjamin between the
ladder and deliver Poetry in Motion. And much like I
did with Backlash, I
have written a new *really awesome* Haiku
commemorating the maneuver:
Haas is trapped
So is Shelton Benjamin
comes a Hardy
Don't try this at home
kids. Haiku's take YEARS to master.
Anyway, Haas & Benjamin
regain the advantage by sling-shotting Jeff into the
ladder.... The "100 pound" ladder as frequently
reported by one Jerry Lawler. And if that's
indeed true, they really need to sign this guy I
know who works at Home Depot, because I once saw the
dude carry like 4 at once to his truck. Look out
Mark Henry, this guy will be nonsensically tearing
thick books in half for no reason before you know
From there, the Hardys
double team Benjamin and hip toss him onto a ladder,
and then soon after, they launch Haas like a Rocket
Launcher off the top rope stomach first onto the
ladder. Normally, I'd say a rocket Charlie Haas
wouldn't do much damage, but after the way Haas
leveled Lillian like Hiroshima last year, I'm not so
sure. Soon after, The Hardys break out the BIG
LADDERS. YES. Now Charlie can actually climb up and
change the arena lights instead of just counting
them after EVERY match the poor guy is ever in. And
speaking of Haas, the Hardys wedge the ladder
between the apron and the barricade then suplex Haas
belly first onto the ladder. He sells like his life
depends on it. Or maybe his job. It's just then I
picture Stephanie & Johnny Ace pointing and making
the throat slash gesture behind the curtain as Ace
holds a lighter under his contract. Maybe I need to
stop thinking about these things....
Craziest spot of the match
happens next when Benjamin gets back body dropped
from the ring onto the propped up a ladder and just
bounces off like ping pong ball. A game of ping pong
with athletic black men instead of balls, that is.
This is usually played right after Larry Zybysko's
game of human chess, I heard. Anyway, Jeff places
Shelton on the propped up ladder, and looks to go up
top to potentially drive him through it, but here
comes Charlie with a Super German (not this) off the top! Matt back
in, side-effect on Haas, and Jeff eats a T-Bone via
Shelton Benjamin. Some people call it an Exploder,
but until I see all of Jeff's limbs fly off in
opposite directions at once, I'm sticking with
T-Bone, baby, on principle alone.
The WGTT regain the
advantage soon after, and they create a new ladder
prop on the floor where one ladder is propped on a
ladder that is wedged between the rungs. Haas then
grabs Matt and puts him stomach first on the
elevated ladder and Shelton jumps over the top for
their leap frog dealy. Worst teeter-totter EVER. I
have a feeling Shelton is not welcome at
children's playgrounds anymore. Not to be confused
with the DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND~!... or "steel cage" to
people who are not insane or Michael Cole. Haas
tries to grab the belts from there, but here's Jeff,
who superplexes Charlie off the top. SUPER-DUPER
PLEX. [/Canadian Bacon]. From there, Matt sets up
another ladder and climbs it, and Shelton attempts
his patented crazy assed Spiderman springboard, but
trips up on the top rope, but somehow manages
to still kick the ladder and knock Matt off. And
with one adjustment, 12,000 dudes wanting to yell
'you fucked up' get cock-blocked. Haha. Shelton then
tries to climb up, but Matt dumps him off and he
spills into the ropes. Matt then strangely sets up
two ladders instead of just one, as if this match is
nothing more than a choreographed stunt show or
something! Ahem. All kidding aside, it's funny how
certain things in wrestling are so cliché now that
no one even bothers to question it anymore. You
know, stuff like setting up elaborate ladder
configurations rather than just grabbing the
fucking belts. And oh, stuff like the Van Daminator.
"Sure, I'll catch this steel chair RVD just threw to
me. What's the worst that could happen?
That said, both Matt and
Shelton begin climbing the ladder, as does Jeff &
Haas, and both teams fight on top. From there,
Shelton takes a NASTY spill out and over and pretty
much through the ladder still propped outside. Back
in the ring, Jeff hits a Swanton on Haas, and Matt
climbs up and grabs the belts to retain the titles!
Winners & STILL Champions:
The "Hardys"... and not Hardy Boys. Silly, everybody
knows you have to be well over fifty in this company
to still have a moniker with the word 'boy' in it.
-Backstage, The Great Khali
and his translator Arab Bischoff are standing by for
an interview. Khali says that he can beat Cena
ANYWHERE. On a boat? Check. With a goat? You better
believe it. In a house? Definitely. With a mouse? No
doubt. Here or there?For sure. Anywhere? Absolutely.
Good stuff. I'm just sad that Khali didn't have his
translator say "You want some, come get some" again,
if only because I find it hilarious that there is in
fact a Hindi translation for fucking street slang.
Mark Henry vs. Kane : LUMBERJACK
No truth to the rumors that
Henry only agreed to this match because he thought
he'd get the world famous Lumberjack breakfast out
of it first. Seriously though, whose bright idea was
this match? Ya, let's have a match where Mark Henry
is forced to actually STAY IN A RING AND WRESTLE. I
think secretly, we the viewing audience were booked
in an I quit match. I don't know about you, but I'm
ready to throw in my fucking towel in. Dear god.
Anyway, the irony of this match is that apparently
this slot was originally going to go with Benoit vs.
MVP, but someone thought Mark Henry vs. Kane would
be a BETTER IDEA. Man. That's like having a dinner
party where you plan to serve steak, then instead
decide it'd be better if you just took a shit on a
plate and served that instead. And hey, I know, at
this point Benoit has wrestled MVP so many times
that he's probably spent more time mounting him than
his wife Nancy, but I'm not lying when I say I'd
rather watch Benoit vs. MVP looping FOREVER then
watch Mark Henry wrestle. As a matter of fact, I'd
rather be shot point blank in the face with a bullet
filled with AIDS then watch Mark Henry wrestle.
That said, this is a
Lumberjack match, so here comes the Lumberjacks!
Featuring the likes of Carlito, Kenny Dykstra, Balls
Mahoney, Stevie Richards(~!) Intercontinental
Champion, Santino "I just moved to New Jersey from
Italy, so I'll probably be jointing bodies in
Satriale's basement by month's end" Marella and
CHRIS BENOIT. Yes, Chris Benoit. Poor bastard. This
is probably what his own personal Hell would be
like if he led a life of indulgences. Give your
heart to Jesus, Chris! It's not too late!
Anyway, we're underway, and
you know what? I'm not recapping this. I'll just sum
it up. Muscles bulged. Fat guys didn't budge. Then
they did. No one fucked with Kane. Then they did.
Mark Henry put Kane in a bear hug, then Kane
escaped. Then he didn't. The ref stopped the match.
I decided to put off suicide. It was a wondrous
Winner: Mark Henry, the man
Michael Cole stated insists on now being called "The
Silverback". Ya, HE insisted on that. WWE: MAKING
BLATANT RACISM SOMEWHAT LESS AWKWARD FOR OVER
30 YEARS. But hey, at least when they inevitably
move the fat bastard over to RAW to battle The
Marine John Cena, I can use the pun "GORILLA
WARFARE~!" and not feel too shitty about it.
-After the match, Kane
sells the pain of wrestling Mark Henry, which I'm
sure is almost equal to that of us who just had to
watch it. Oh, and JBL puts over Mark Henry and his
bearhug, and compares him to Bruno Sammartino. Yes
really. I can see it. He IS just like Bruno
Sammartino. A big, fat ,black talentless immobile
Bruno Sammartino. It's so obvious. I don't know why
I never saw it before...
-Backstage, Haas & Benjamin
& The Hardys are being treated for injuries, and
argue with one another. Rocky 2 this was not.
Shelton states that it was not really an athletic
contest unlike the NCAA. I beg to differ. I'd like
to see those guys climb a ladder in slow motion as
if they're bogged down with 300 pound sand bags
instead of just grabbing a fucking belt that's like
just 7 feet away. Wait. What were we talking about
-Video package for Bobby
Lashley vs. Vince McMahon. A haircut gone awry.
Clearly, if you're Supercuts, and you see Vince
coming towards your store, it's best you just throw
that closed sign in the window. Lest you be killed
by a 400 pound savage who can afford 2 grand worth
of gold in his teeth, but not shoes.
Vince McMahon w/ Shane and UUUUMMMMAGGGA (C) vs.
Bobby Lashley w/o charisma: STREET FIGHT for ECW
Hey, when was the last time
you saw a street fight where a giant scary black guy
in his underwear chased somebody? That's more like
Prison. Anyway, Lashley starts things by attempting
to plancha Umaga, but he catches his foot on the top
rope and almost kills himself. Ah, at least the
guy's heart is in the right place. It's the size of
a nickel probably, but it's in the right place.
Anyway, Lashley recovers, comes in and press slams
Shane. He's DOMINATING. He calls his finisher the
DOMINATOR. All's that left for him to complete the
Domination hat-trick is to put on a latex rubber
suit and drip hot wax on Vince's balls while digging
his high heels into his back. Dear god in heaven,
Bobby Lashley as a Dominatrix is the fucking
scariest thing EVER. Anyway, Dominatrix Lashley
tries to powerslam Vince, but here comes Umaga and
the world's most dangerous tiny limb...the THUMB.
It's true, and if you ever go to Samoa, you might
want to think twice about picking up a hitch hiker.
It can only end in tragedy for you. Anyway, Vince,
Shane & Umaga all take turns beating on Lashley, all
culminating with a spear by Vince onto Lashley. But
Lashley kicks out. LASHLEY DEFIES ODDS. Man, I gotta
somehow kidnap this guy and bring his big ass to
Vegas and get him to spin the Roulette wheel. I'll
be a millionaire by night's end. Anyway, Vince and
Shane hold Lashley down as Umaga goes for a splash,
but Bobby sits up, and Vince gets squashed instead.
Lashley then disposes of Shane & Umaga, and grabs a
chair and brains Vince with it. Normally, I'd
make an unfunny pun on 'chairman of the board' but
oh fuck I just did. Lashley then hits the running
powerslam but Umaga makes the save. He then destroys
Lashley and puts him on the ECW announce
table, where Shane does a huge flying elbow that
puts Bobby through the table. Just then I get the
visual of Hugo and Carlos laughing and giving each
other a high five, right before accidentally
tripping and falling through their own furniture
Umaga wakes up Vince from
there and they roll Lashley back into the ring where
Vince covers for 2. They then look to set up the
Shane-Terminator, after the Umaga ass o'doom in the
corner to Lashley, but Lashley somehow pulls Umaga
in front and he eats it instead. Lashley then chucks
the spear (Tm. Joe Merrick) on Shane, and then
gives one to Vince as well, before pinning Vince to
regain the World title. Yes! The honor of ECW has
finally been restored! Haha, even I can't say that
with a straight face.
Winner & *NEW* Champion:
Bobby Lashley! And by my count I've now spent 120
dollars on seeing some variation of this match. Oh
my god. Maybe I should just sew a bull's-eye on the
crotch of my pants. It'll at least make it easier
for all the impending kicks.
-After the match, Lashley
spears Vince again. How SOFT SPOKEN and HARD-HITTING
of him. And hey, has there ever been a worse
catchphrase than that? Let's try!: BADDEST MAN ON
THE PLANET.... CANNOT MAINTAIN AN ERECTION. TOTAL
BAD ASS....SUFFERS FROM IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.
COMPLETELY UNSTOPPABLE.... HAS A LAUGHABLY SMALL
PENIS. There we go. Don't say I never did anything
-Backstage, Maria admires
Santino Marella's accent. Be careful, Maria. Don't
too close. One wrong move and you'll find
yourself on a drive to the country with Silvio
Dante. It gets a little worse from there. Anyway,
Tard Grisham, interrupts to ask Maria her opinion on
the pudding match, because lord knows she'd have the
insight here? and she switches over to being
brilliant and explains the scientific ramifications
of pudding. Just then, Candice comes in and asks for
a kiss for good luck, so Maria gives it to her. LEZ
BE FRIENDS. Cue Ron Simmons.
Candice Michelle vs. Melina : Non-Title PUDDING
Just so you know, this is a
NON-title match, because two women wrestling for a
championship in 2000 pounds of pudding would be
absurd. Clearly. Anyway, I hate to say it, but this
one wasn't the catch-as-catch-can classic you'd
expect from two half naked women swimming in a pool
full of chocolate. They have a LONG WAY to go before
they can even think of matching the war that
was Stanislaus Zbyszko vs. Ed "Strangler" Lewis in a
children's swimming pool full of pork and beans in
the late 20's. A LONG way. Anyway, to bottom-line
this CLASSIC, Candice ends up winning after Melina
submits rather than be drowned in pudding. I heard
that's how Lou Thesz lost his first Title.
Winner: Candice Michelle. A
woman dripping wet covered with a brown
liquid substance. Rumor has it, if Randy Orton had
his way, every day would end like this.
- After the match, Maria
comes out to interview Candice, but gets tossed into
the pudding. The Referee eventually follows suit. Oh
WWE. Do the laughs ever start?
Edge (C) vs. Batista: STEEL
CAGE For World Heavyweight Title.
Ah yes, finally, the battle
between a dude who walks a mile through a pit of
danger, and another who once put his dick in one.
Yup. I'm still beating that horse.
Anyway, answer me this: Why
is Batista even getting another World Title shot?
He's lost like every single title match he's been
involved in for like 4 months straight. Dear god,
Batista is slowly but surely becoming wrestling's
answer to those douchebegs who play against the
Harlem Globetrotters every game. That said, this is
a cage match. And features a dude who calls himself
an Animal, so expect Cole to explode into a myriad
of really clever parables of how you should never
cage an Animal.... while of course comparing the
structure itself to meat eating animals. Unlike JR,
who'd just think of ways to tie Satan into its
origin. SATAN'S SPA OF PAIN AND SUFFERING~! Stay
away from the facials. I heard they feel like
Anyway, we're underway, and
Edge is trying to escape, (or WINNING THE
MATCH) which disgusts Michael Cole to his very
annoying core. Fucking Cole. He'd probably be pissed
off that a guy is riding his bicycle really fast in
the Tour de France. NOT THIS WAY~!
So, that said, Edge
continues to fight to escape but Batista keeps
stopping him. Edge eventually gains the advantage,
as JBL informs us that Edge smells like smoke
because he's been through fire. Unlike Rob Van Dam
who smells like smoke because, well you know how
this sentence ends (I might as well get all my Rob
stuff in now. *Sniffle*). Edge then works over
Batista for a while, but Big Dave rallies, and
delivers a superplex that gets two. Hey, remember
when Superplexes actually finished people? And
DDT's? Nowadays guys get knocked out by dancing
karate chops and dudes pumping up their shoes.
What's wrong with this picture? Anyway, Batista
looks to climb out soon after but changes his mind,
so Edge tries the spear, or as I christened it many
years ago the FLYING HUG, but Batista doesn't feel
like cuddling and just shoulderblocks Edge instead.
He then hits the blackhole of workrate slam. Soon
after, he tosses Edge into the cage, then charges
Edge in the corner, but he moves and Batista hits
the exposed turnbuckle. ANIMAL CRUELTY~! He'll
definitely be hearing from PETAB there (People for
the Ethical Treatment of The Animal Batista).
Edge then hits the flying hug but that only gets
two. It's just then I get the visual of Copeland
family get togethers being absolutely terrifying
come time to say your goodbyes. Don't look now, but
there's Grandma Edge in the corner of the
room menacingly dragging her feet and hopping up and
down. I think we all know what happens next. Anyway,
from there, Edge tries to escape but gets tossed by
Batista. Batista now tries for the Batista bomb but
Edge scoots out and makes a leaping run for the
cage, which prompts Cole to compare him to
Spider-man. Well, I guess they both fucked
irritating red heads. Only difference is, Edge only
feels tingling when he urinates, and not from any
discernable "Spider-sense". Close enough. Edge
then gets pulled back inside, but hits Batista with
three low blows, which surprisingly the big man
sells... you know, despite having testicles the size
of sun-dried raisins in real life. Edge then climbs
up and over, as Dave goes for the door, but he gets
his foot caught or something and can't escape so
Edge hits first and retains. A farmer then comes by
and puts Batista down. Hey, that's what usually
happens when Animals outlive their usefulness,
Winner and STILL Champion:
Edge, the Rated R Superstar! Not to be confused with
Jerry Lawler whom I heard is the Rated PG-13
Superstar. But only because that's where he goes to
pick up the umm, "ladies". Maybe I just wanted
to make that joke. Probably.
-Promo for Summer Slam
airs. The Biggest Party of the Summer! Huh, I guess
my invitation got lost in the mail or something....
-Build up for John Cena/
Great Khali. Featuring the really controversial way
Cena completely cleanly beat Khali by submission.
But hey, you're not supposed to remember it that
way. Just file it in the Wrestling X-Files between
the briefcase at King of the Ring 1999 and Booker
T's "I know what you did" letter in 2003, and be
done with it. Trust me. It's for the best.
John Cena (C) w/ hustling loyalty & respect vs.
Great Khali w/ plodding, murdering and gibberish:
WWE Championship match: FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE.
Hey, am I the only one
would who'd like to see Khali adapt a faux rapper
gimmick to stick it to Cena? Khali G, maybe? Tell me
you wouldn't mark out for it. KHALI G INDAHOUSE!
INDIA-HOUSE? I don't know. Anyway, this is the third
time these two men have wrestled, or as I like to
call it, Match 3 in the worst of everything series.
Ah, I kid. Cena's improved tremendously, and has
actually carried Khali to some surprisingly passable
matches. Cena's actually turning into not a bad Ring
General, which clearly adds another rank to his fake
military career! It just makes sense.
underway here, and Khali dominates early, trying to
erase all memories of the Pun-JOB he did at Judgment
Day from all our minds. It's just a shame I couldn't
purge all of Khali's matches from my mind.
Where's one of those flashing memory
from Men in Black when you need one? Oh ya, the
match. Khali controls the pace, which is apparently
set to quicksand, with kicks, clotheslines, chops
and boots, and Cena is VICTIMIZED by this baffling
array of offense not seen anywhere since the last
guy who had no business being anywhere near a ring.
Anyway, it's at this point, I realize that even when
I fast forward this match, Khali is STILL moving
like fucking molasses. From there, out of morbid
curiosity, I decide to put my DVR on frame by frame,
and as a result, I actually travel back in time!
Dinosaurs die. Man climbs out of the primordial
ooze, creates fire, says his first word... and Khali
is still wrestling in slow motion. Dear lord.
Finally, Cena (thankfully) rallies, and hits a
throwback after Khali misses a leg, umm, flop, but
goes up stairs but is caught with a BRAIN CHOP.
Which is DEVASTATING to everyone on Earth, except
strangely the WWE Creative team who just shrug their
shoulders after taking one, before ultimately going
right back to writing hilarious television. Anyway,
Khali goes for the one foot pin on the floor, but
Cena kicks out at 2, because a hand, once described
by JR as being the size of, and I quote "an animal"
is not enough to put Cena down. Fucking JR.
Everything is cooking utensils and farm animals with
this guy. "Stay away from this Giant, King!
His feet are like Sides of Beef, and his hands are
like frying pans, and together in unison they cook
up a mighty delicious Supper!" From
there, Khali then throws Cena over the barricade,
and the two brawl into the crowd. Normally, I'd say
I fear for the safety of people out there with
Khali, but he'd actually have to make fucking
contact to kill somebody. Did I mention his spinkick
missed by like 12 inches? "By Gawd, King, the
sheer centrifugal force behind his giant boot caused
Cena to collapse~!". Cena eventually regains
the advantage again by clobbering Khali with a
monitor and then the camera boom. This only gets
two, as Khali and his Punjabi Pajamas kick out. Cena
then tries for the FU but Khali says "I don't think
so!" (it only sounded like "Garbblle Hrmmmphhhh!!!"
to us) and elbows out before pressing Cena onto a
crane. With both men standing on the crane, Khali
goes for the Tree slam, but Cena goes to the eyes,
and manages to get the big man up for an FU, and
drops him off the crane and straight to the
concrete... that strangely shatters like a stuffed
stage. It's a *new* kind of concrete~! Oh ya, Cena
pins Khali. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, SOLDIER. RETURN TO
BASE (BASS? FUNKY, FUNKY BASS?)
Winner and *STILL* WWE
Champion, and still overcomin' those odds yo, John
Cena. But hey, I'd think at this point, the odds
would be on
him since a 75 year old Nun
probably spends more time on their backs than this
FINAL THOUGHTS: If you're having
sex with a prostitute, say "Thank you" when you're
finished. Whores are people too.
Not a bad show here
overall. Nothing to really write home about,
however. But hey, I don't think my family would
appreciate me writing to them about fucking Mark
Henry and Great Khali anyway, so no harm, no foul.
Seriously though, the Ladder match delivered. Cena
worked a miracle, Edge and Batista was decent, and
Lashley & Vince was...umm, finished at least. It's
just a shame they couldn't somehow combine the Mark
Henry/ pudding match into one disgusting spectacle.
Although, I guess they didn't want to risk Candice
and Melina being accidentally devoured when Mizark
inevitably turned the pool sideways a drank all the
chocolate. Smart thinking there. So ya, thumbs of
uppery ( in a tribute RVD pose in honor of his last
match) here. And hey, here's to a WCW Reunion
Pay-per-view! "WWE: Slipped a Roophie in your drink
and fucked you while you were sleeping". It could be
AWESOME. MAKE IT HAPPEN, WWE.
Send Feedback to Sean Carless
Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those
hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's
various scribblings have been read at Live Audio
Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The
Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling.
He has also cured AIDS.