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by Zach Levine

February 8, 2011

6. Vickie Guerrero’s Weight Roast

On-air attacks are nothing new in the WWE, especially attacks about the weight of certain wrestlers. This one from just a few weeks ago caused a huge outrage online, with the roast of Vickie Guerrero. Cena and Lawler went back and forth mocking Smackdown’s Executive Consultant, to the point where it just gets mean. However in the WWE, if you do not weigh the same amount as Michelle McCool, you are grossly overweight and are free to be mocked relentlessly on television.

Perhaps the worst part about this segment was that they got the two lamest comedians on RAW to roast her. Cena still makes poopy jokes and Lawler still makes jokes that the Friar’s Club made in the early 1900’s. At least guys like Santino, Punk, Miz, Christian and Edge are funny. This segment went from interesting to a couple of third graders picking on someone who wasn’t even overweight to begin with. Plus Vickie has already lost a good amount of weight, so for a first time viewer, they wouldn’t understand what the hell the two of them were talking about.

5. Matt Hardy Version Done

Oh Matty Matty Matt. Since his feud with MVP, many have noticed a bit of a difference in Matt Hardy. He seemed sluggish in the ring, he dragged down most of his matches, went through the motions, etc. Soon he started to, well, balloon up. The puns could not come fast enough. Fatt Hardy, Matt Lardy, and the hilarious Fatt Lardy. Now I know he blames the weight gain on an intestinal problem, but still, he had a struggle shaping up. I first noticed how out of shape he got during the Royal Rumble, where it looked like he blew up within the first 15 seconds of the match, leading to Kane dumping him from the ring. Soon he started wrestling with a shirt on, as a way to hide his new girth.

Similarly, a new character was crafted for Cody Rhodes, being that he was Dashing. It seemed like these two were going in much different directions on Smackdown during 2010. So when the two faced off, something had to give, and Cody reamed him out in a remarkable way.

A bit harsh? Maybe. But Rhodes was legitimately saying what a lot of people had felt for a long time. Matt should have taken time off during 2009-2010 to get back in shape and get his life in order, but instead he switched from looking like Paul London to looking like someone who ate Paul London. Least he got himself back in shape for a TNA run. What’s that? He got dreadlocks instead of getting in shape. Oh, well nevermind then.

4. Serena’s Intervention

As someone who enjoys wrestling on the internet, it is imperative that I like the work of the one and only CM Punk. His debut against Justin Credible is one of the few matches that I can rewatch at any moment and enjoy like it is new. Punk is perhaps one of the best characters in recent history, and his stretch as a face was perhaps born from the crowds of hardcore fans going crazy everytime Punk hit the ring.

However, as many who watched him in ROH knew, Punk would do amazing things as a heel, and that he did. His Straight Edge is Better than You gimmick is a perfect heel gimmick, which is ironic. Punk: Don’t Do Drugs. Crowd: BOOOO!!!

So once he became a heel and got a stable assembled, it seemed that the sky was the limit for the straight edge society. Luke Gallows came on the screen, and Punk put together weekly head shaving initiations, including the one Serena Deeb. All seemed well and good with the group, until mid-July when this clip surfaced on Smackdown.

No one really understood why this scene happened, until the Anti-Diva was released a few weeks later. It turned out, this was a personal message to Serena. Apparently, she wasn’t “living the gimmick.” See Punk is straight-edge, and will not drink or do drugs after the shows. Serena on the other hand was just doing a gimmick, and apparently was partying after shows in public. It’s ironic that a character that made her such a star in the company was also a downfall as well. If she stayed in character close to the company, rather than drink once the show ended, she may still have a job with the company. Message sent and received.

3. Carlito’s Laziness

Carlito had one of the coolest debuts I could remember, showing up on Smackdown and beating Cena for the US Title on the same night. He quickly evolved over time and became a hell of a wrestler. Problem is, Carlito quickly hit a plateau, and stopped evolving. It looked like he could do so much more in the moveset, but he seemed to be bored in the ring, just going through the motions. This led to perhaps one of the more cringe inducing rants I can remember from the WWE, and one that made me feel bad for Carlito once it concluded.

Personally I think this promo did more for Flair than Carlito. You can actually see pain in Carlito’s eyes, furor in Flair’s eyes, and complete awkwardness from Torrie. Hell the only thing in the promo keeping cool was Torrie’s dog. This just seemed like one of those things that producers continually reamed out Carlito in the back, but to no avail, so they told Flair to rip him a new one on air and see if he would respond to that.

What’s sad about this is that this segment probably could have been applied to many other members of the locker room, including my personal favorite Shelton Benjamin, as well as the aforementioned Matt Hardy.

2. See Ya Spirit Squad

Early in 2006, a group of guys from OVW banded together and formed a group of, well, male cheerleaders. Kenny, Mitch, Mikey, Nick and Johnny. Five solid athletes, and guys who would definitely be able to contribute to the WWE’s future. However no matter how good athletes they were, it was nearly impossible to get over with such a gimmick. Paired with Mr. McMahon, the group feuded with DX for a majority of the year.

However much like today, there were few tag teams to feud with, so DX would fight the Spirit Squad again, and again, and again. This led to a late 2006 promo where DX promised they would never fight the Spirit Squad again. They beat the Spirit Squad, HHH grabbed his sledgehammer, and then this happened…

Just the box itself would have been awkward enough, but to slap an OVW sticker was a huge slap in the face, not only to the wrestlers, but the fans who invested their time with the characters. Johnny, Mitch and Mikey were never heard from again. Kenny had some life as former Mets outfielder Kenny Dykstra, and Nicky went on to better fame as Dolph Ziggler. Still though, this was a brutal burial on television, and one that several members of the group were unable to recover from.

1. And On This Farm Was Mickie James

Of all the recent on-air burials, this was perhaps one of the harshest. Early last year, the WWE put together Michelle McCool and Layla to form LayCool. Now when TNA does something, the WWE tries to copy, but comes up just a bit short. You had Umaga, the WWE’s answer to Samoa Joe. You had Evan Bourne, the WWE’s answer to AJ Styles. You had the Dudebusters, who I thought were the WWE’s answer to the Motor City Machine Guns. And now you had LayCool, who actually pulled off a better version of TNA’s The Beautiful People.

Now that the WWE had a heel diva group, they needed a diva to humiliate. Enter Mickie James. Now I have to stress that Mickie was not fat by any stretch of the imagination. She was actually pretty fit for most divas. However, LayCool combined weigh as much as the aforementioned Evan Bourne, so anyone who does not look like a pencil gets reamed out.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).