Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

The One Man Conchairto
Richard Waters


Wednesday November 23, 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 11/23/05 By Richard Waters  
Greatness is Born

I've noticed a lot of bitching when it comes to our champions. Everyone hates Cena for having the title. They hate the man, so the closer he is to mid-card status the better. They claim he does kiddy promos and sucks in the ring. All the while not including Dave Batista into the equation who seemingly doesn't wanna drop the title. I hear there is a title match with him and Orton tonight, but is it gonna happen? They were friends for the useless Survivor Series match.

Anyways people bitch about Flair having the IC title. Despite the IC belt meaning nothing no matter who has it. They say it's pointless when the feud between him and Trips is beyond the title. Sorry, but the feud itself is very boring. Post-cage match it got stale. I think the IC title could only add some intrigue to it. But I digress, as there is one champion no one seems to complain about.

Trish Stratus.

I ask you, what has she done since returning from injury. Trish... or should I say TrisHHH is a cancer to the WWE. She is a title hog, who seemingly hides behind her good looks to avoid judgment. If I disagree with her holding the title, suddenly I am branded an idiot and I'm only it for the porn.

During Eddie's tribute show there was a shining light. Trish's sole selling point is she can act and wrestle. A rarity in the slew of Diva Search crap. This ray of light is known as Melina and is the dominant Diva on Smackdown! During the tribute show she joined Jillian Hall in the Battle Royale and actually beat title hog Trishie.

Now this week on Raw we saw masked men kidnap Trish. I thought they were gonna do something where Mickie goes crazy, but it turns out it was MNM the whole time. Melina challenged her to a match for the title and I couldn't have laughed any harder.

Melina: How does it feel?

Trish: Someone's gonna get their ass-

Melina: Ain't that a kick in the head? *complies*

That was pure ownage. I'm sure Trish will get her even steven booking tonight and maybe if there is a wrestling God (not HHH) maybe just maybe we will FINALLY have a new Women's champion. Everyone complains about HHH being in 90% of WHC title matches, but what about Trish? Last year she defended the title against Lita. Damn it I want something new. Melina can deliver. With WWE on the USA network maybe they'll show what Spike was too chicken to show... Stacy's ass.

Yes I'm telling you a win for Melina is a win for us all. A win for Trish is a win WASTED. Imagine Melina's cheeks on Raw AND SD!. I'm telling you, it's a new beginning. The attitude era ended in 2001 when WCW was bought. The n
ew era of Melina's cheeks has just begun. Join me?

Wednesday November 9, 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 11/09/05 By Richard Waters  

Contrasting Styles

Only knowing WWE since 98 has limited my knowledge of commentators. I started off with Cole and King until JR returned around WM15. From there I became an instant fan of Jim Ross. For some reason his energy and knowledge of the sport had me hooked. Before SD! truly started to suck, I looked forward to Raws and PPVs most. Not because of the quality of the show, but simply because JR was calling the show.

Around Unforgiven 2003 they teased Coach/Al Snow from Heat taking over. I had caught a few episodes here and there, but mostly it sucked. Perhaps I should also take into account that Coach only just turned heel a month before. After reading the PPV results I sort of died inside. The Raw they called alone... sucked.

I was so ecstatic when JR stunned Coach and won his job back.

Taking the recent firing aside, I have never considered someone replacing JR. Yeah he was getting up there in age, but I looked at it like Vince looks at his company. I take it for granted and expect it to be around 30 years from now, flourishing as usual.

Monday Night was my first time hearing a show called by Joey Styles. And I must say I was very much impressed.

When I look for a good commentator, he meets all the criteria. The mans knows his stuff. And even when he doesn't know the "correct" name of the move, he has enough knowledge to at least sound smart. He doesn't call everything a modified suplex. Not only that, but I was shocked at Joey's persistent continuity. How many people remembered Carlito/Shelton feuded for the IC title? I forgot myself.

Styles made the stupid matches seem important by you know... talking about the match and not other crap. That I admire.

King kinda sucks as a face, but one thing is for certain... Coach sucks period. I thought he was an all right announcer, but after seeing Styles call stuff... Jonathan Coachman is a complete tool. He's good/okay at MCing Diva Search crap, but as a commentator he needs work. I hope they bring in Styles to replace JR if they have no desire to bring the man back. But at the same time I'd like to see Styles/Ross be the announce team. Enough of his 3-person crap.

Styles has my approval.

Thursday November 3, 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 11/03/05 By Richard Waters  
Saying Good-Bye

I used to never take wrestling that seriously. Just a TV show. Then I started reading posts on the insane Diva fans. The types of people that went into suicidal clinics because Molly cut her hair. You know the psychos who pre-order those Diva BIKINI shoot DVD/Magazines. I think I may be one of them now.

You can't be a member of the IWC (unless you haven't been online in 48 hours) and know about the news of Christian. Apparently he has opted to not renew his contract with the WWE and is finished with the company.

Now to me this is a real shock. Really pisses me off. I love Christian and to see him go is very saddening. I know there's a possibility of a TNA run, but it won't be the same. The atmosphere is so different that it'll feel weird. Not to mention he will no longer be using the name "Christian" because of WWE's insane copyright laws. Hearing the Dudleyz refer to themselves as "Team 3D" is queer as hell. And we all know how well they use their main event level talent.

I don't think anyone is surprised to know the outcome of the Rhyno/Jarrett World Title Match.

After Austin left in 2002 Christian had been my favorite wrestler. The NEW People's Champ.

I was really getting behind Christian ever since Taboo Tuesday last year when he had that on-air promo with Vince. Then he started to talk smack to EVERYONE and seemed to be on a push. I should've known when they wouldn't even give him a win over Flair.

I never understand the logic of burying the man when he was one of the few guys left from the dawn of the Attitude era as a legit WWE creation. With all the burials he remained over with the crowd. Since the split they pushed Edge to the moon where he won nearly all his feuds, yet Christian gets buried and still gets a better reaction.

Now I do enjoy wrestling no matter the garbage, but really with Christian off of SD! now and forever I have little reason to watch. This past week I tuned in for the Tag Title match and after that... I left the room. It was THAT gay. With that I will not tell you that I am boycotting WWE. I'm not a tool.

But I will tell you this. I have lost a lot of interest in the product now that Christian is gone. But do not fret Peeps, I will try and remain optimistic on Jay's departure. Who knows. Maybe Vince will wise up and offer him a deal since he could be a somewhat of a threat to TNA. But I doubt it.

Here's to you Christian. *5 seconds pose*

Wednesday October 26 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 10/26/05 By Richard Waters  


I look back at an old column I wrote about how a lot of casuals don't like the wrestling aspect of WWE... Vince too. Then after seeing the JR Surgery skit I got to thinking again. This had nothing to do with a match or anything... simple comedy. But that's the thing. The humor aspect of Raw's "entertainment" portion was just not funny or clever in any way.

Under different circumstances toilet humor can be good for a chuckle. But it was really tasteless as it mocked a real life situation. People can die severely because of that type of thing. What did JR ever do to deserve that treatment? Was that his thank you?

I wouldn't say I'm over-sensitive, but the problem I had was the only good part was Nurse Slobberknockers. It was stupid, unfunny and more or less just a waste of time. As if we didn't get enough of this during the Coach/Steph moment. You could have easily added 10 minutes to the main event, explained Helms' turn more, etc. Nothing was accomplished. It's not as if it's gonna lead to a JR/Vince money feud.

These type of things are supposed to draw viewers. Now I know what you're saying... don't like it don't watch it. If I don't wanna watch the segment... change the channel. Well if you've been keeping track of the ratings trends...

It went on way too long and lacked any form of creativity, humor or cleverness. So obviously Vince and WWE creative were behind it. Someone have compared it to Katie Vick. At least Katie Vick served a purpose at the time.

It seems to me that they are DESPERATELY trying to relive the Attitude Era and all it's glory. From Austin returning and raising hell, to vehicle onslaught to this over the top skit. It's funny because while 98-00, people tuned in, I'm willing to bet the segment has caused some to tune out.

But now that I think about, this segment has proven just how much wrestling is in the shitter. You know you're doing something wrong when you're biggest angle involves a play-by-play announcer.


I don't think anything else needs to be said.


Wednesday October 11 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 10/11/05 By Richard Waters  
What's Wrong With WWE?

I got to thinking. There has been a mix of successful and slow periods. First Hogan boomed and then the New generation didn't draw a dime (gotta love that!) and then the Attitude drew and now we're at the New Millennium waiting for the next big draw. What led to these boom periods?

I think it's the fact that they could draw different types of fans from different demographics in.

I think the trick is we need to appeal to ever fanbase at once. To do this we need a diverse collection of WRESTLERS on top. Right now we have two main babyfaces who appeal to those that like big muscles and mic skills. It's fine, but at the same time it alienates those of who enjoy the other aspects of wrestling... matches, storytelling and athletics. You know the shit that happens INSIDE the squared circle.

Look back at those boom periods and you will see a strong balance between the different types of fans. If one guy wasn't providing... you had another to hold the weight.

The Yellow Goblin in Hogan was on top working against mostly untalented behemoths, which is a lot like Cena. But the difference is that Hogan's undercard had meaning. You had Savage, Roberts, Perfect working a great IC division. Not to mention there was an actual tag division. In WCW during the NWO they had unique characters yes but also great works and the cruiser division broke onto US soil. The Attitude Era had a balance on the card. Decent midcarders, solid tag and the most well-rounded ME scene in ages.

So now the TRUE fans can indulge in their take of terrible works who are pretty and big, add in a few storylines and skits and you have something you can really sink your teeth into. However if you want skilled wrestling and unique and diverse characters, you're outta luck.

The problem with our champions and the focus of the programs seems to be that everyone who wears a belt and is on TV every week well are very green in the ring and hardly any of them have mic skills.

The Raw title has a good mic guy, but not so much in the ring department. Perhaps to balance that out put the WHC on a guy with good wrestling skills? If the World Title is on an amazing ring general, let your US title scene go to people who are toning their game and are still getting over with solid mic skills and a nice character.

Everyone with gold now fits around the same mold. Average to good mic, decent character or passable ring work. Fans who want something else aren't given anything to find it. Cena/Batista is fine, but without anything else to maintain interest for their non-fans is a big problem.

All we need is balance.

And for someone to tell me WHY Batista is 1. Over and 2. Champion. Cena has the mic skills and a diverse character. What does Dave have? He has neither the mic skills nor the wrestling ability. Not to mention he's boring as hell.

You talkin' to me?

Wednesday September 28 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 09/28/05 By Richard Waters  
 World's Worst Entertainment?

Been browsing a lot of smark boards (just one) and I've noticed a lot of weird stuff. Mainly the "casual fan" or "TRUE~! fans" have found the IWC. No longer can we discuss buyrates and recently released superstars without fear for the WWE.com Chat rejects have found our sanctuary. In that I've learned that I'm not a TRUE fan if I prefer Benoit over BIG DAVEEEE and that actual wrestling = shit and entertainment = super draw. Not while that may be true, I have to wonder... why do people watch wrestling? In that... what do they watch it for?

I see lots of these Nash Mark types boast some shit like "blah blah blah wrestling isn't what matters. If that were the case then Benoit would be on top and Dave Batista wouldn't be the super draw he is. We just want to be entertained. Blah blah blah I'm dumb."

That's great, whatever floats your boat. But you do realize what WWE passes off as "entertainment" is inferior to the same types of entertainment in other outlets right? I just don't get it. I mean I'm not gonna start watching Football because they have cheerleaders and cool backstage skits. I don't like football, so there's no point.

The drama is uninspiring and often times very boring, the comedy aspect is very dry and almost never succeeds as being funny, the "hot mamas" that are the Divas aren't half as good looking as some of the women we find on other programs, and have so little acting skill it hurts to watch them speak.

You have to watch wrestling for the wrestling. If you don't like watching matches... what's the point? Vince... why aren't you giving us wrestling? If you're so interested in going to the entertainment aspect... make TV dramas. Produce films. Don't give me a half-assed attempt at a wrestling show. I understand the storylines are a way to spread the matches out, but it really isn't what is drawing me into the program.

If I want drama I'll watch One Life to Live, if I want comedy... there's always Chappelle Show, chicks are easy to find on TV and more often have better storytelling on the latest episode of the Tyra Banks show.

Does anyone else enjoy good matches? I think we've been programmed to not so much. Was Benoit/Angle better at WM then the Rumble because there was simply more build to it?

Out of the ring segments are good and needed I understand. They get people over, makes matches more important. I understand this. Afterall it's meaningless for someone to not have storylines leading to bouts. It's just useless title defenses. But what I'm concerned with are people who aren't interested with wrestling AT ALL.

Promos and skits... I do like on occasion. But I'd rather see HBK/Angle then say a Piper's Pit segment. I found wrestling because of the Attitude Era, and yes it was based on shock value of the outside stuff. But would Austin's vulgarity and beer drinking mean shit if it wasn't going to lead to a match? Honestly why is Vince even charging us for PPVs? PPVs are the focus for MATCHES and that clearly doesn't sell, right?

PPV main events are about matches... they are NOT about 20-minute promos and backstage segments. I just don't get it and I really would not be surprised if Vince and Steph took out the second "W" in WWE...

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).