Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 
The One Man Conchairto
                                 
Richard Waters
 

The One Man Conchairto 03/02/05 By Richard Waters  

What to Bash Next? Everything!

This summer we witnessed the birth of Vince's secret project: Divas. We saw a dozen of these girls compete in various skits for a chance at a contract worth $250,000. In the end it was Christy Hemme who outlasted them all. However, most of the divas were hired anyway... I think all but the Man Show twins and that other blonde girl. What did the net do? Basically just refer to them as sluts and the like. That makes a lot of sense, you know considering they did absolutely nothing sexual at all. Trish and Stacy are in storylines with men, yet they are not bombarded with these negative comments. I guess they are the IWC Golden girls.

People complain that they get airtime. You cannot say that no one doesn't enjoy their segments. I do. I'm not beating off to that (I use Loli Hentai for that) but I am entertained. If this was all about wrestling we'd call it a sport, not sports entertainment. The Divas are a way for us to see a break from our heroes. If you notice that the Divas are usually between impact matches on a show.

With only three wrestling Divas (four if you count Stacy) there really is little that can be done with the women's division. No matter who you'd pick to face Trish out of Vicky and Molly, no one wins. Trish has already beaten them plenty of times. In order to prove their worth, one of them will have to beat the other. But will Vicky beating Molly for the upteenth time or Molly getting an upset win do much for them?

Christy has posed in Playboy and they needed to promote it. What better way then an altercation with Trish? Would anyone care if Molly started parading that it was immoral? Trish was perfect for the role. Rather then take it for what it's worth (publicity), the net has taken it as Trish/Christy for the title at Mania. How is this that bad? People shit on all of the newbie Divas, but what justification do they have? If I recall correctly, Trish fucking Stratus was doing the exact same thing in 2000. She was not wrestling. She was acting like a "slut" to get her TnA boys over. She was trotting around in skimpy clothes to seduce Bubba. No one called her a slut. Yet Candance simply jokes with Jericho and she's seen as a whore. Gimme a break.

If Trish can become the best Diva in teh evar, why can't Christy? I think the Divas could be an actual division if things were changed. I say Stacy should not be Orton's valet/girlfriend, but should be competiting. Bring back Ivory because those ratings for WWE Experience can't be pretty. Dawn seems to know a hold or two and can take some bumps, so bring her to Raw. Torrie can wrestle. She knows how to do a damn cross body without error. She would work. Train Christy, Michelle and Joy since they seem to actually WANNA learn.

Ship Tajiri, Hurricane and hell even Rosey. They can help the Cruiserweight Division. I said Rosey because he'd be lost without Hurricane. With that you can make him a retarded gimmick where he wrestles as a CW. Come on, that's comedic gold!

The point I'm getting at here (if one) is that until we see a certain match, why shit all over it? How do you know that Trish vs. Christy won't be a good match? What, are you saying that the match will be less then 10 minutes in length with a dead crowd? Yeah that so doesn't happen with EVERY Divas match. We've seen Trish vs. Vicky to death. Now unless they somehow make Molly a face (imo it won't work unless she's blonde again), then Christy is the only option.

Man what if Jazz and Gail were still here and they used my idea to ship the Divas over.

Face: Christy, Lita (eventually), Victoria, Torrie, Michelle, Joy
Heel: Trish, Gail, Jazz, Molly, Dawn, Stacy

Wow a division! In fact we could have a tag match and NOT include every member. Wait isn't "Alexis Laree" supposed to debut soon?

In a side note: Chris Masters debuted this week. People seem to either love him or hate him. Or they think he's okay. I'm not going to really judge him until a good month or so. No newbie heels ever get a good reaction their first match. Did anyone care that Mordecai beat Scotty, Hassan over Lawler, etc. Hell with Masters we were only treated to one video. Hassan had numerous videos and actually spoke. Eugene was here for months before his match, so we saw his personality. Most will agree that his interaction with Flair was awesome and if he channels that (especially when Dave out of Evolution) he could be a decent heel.

The crowd was pretty silent during his match, not that it was surprising. I think his starting opponent was a bad choice. I think they only chose Stevie as a weak swerve due to every heel beating Hurricane during their debut match. And really, who cares if he hurts Stevie? Well outside of those IWC marks, but they don't count.

Trust me, in a matter of weeks when he starts using a cool power move instead of the MASTERfull Nelson (tm Inferno), then we will see why he is truly the Masterpiece.

Sorry I just hate people who bash everything that isn't to their liking. There were many good things about Raw this week. Batista's turn, E&C reunion, Edge taking on HBK, HBK challenging Angle, Shelton using a stiff chairshot, Women's Title Match featuring Molly... yet nobody is talking about that. Nope. How is it the one "bad" thing always overshadows the good? Just a thou... nevermind.

Cool points this week go to Walker and his White Vans column for "paying his dues" and submitting weekly columns, Renee for making a debut and talking about our next World Champ and Inferno for having the ONLY good Raw
recap on the net.
 
 
 
 
The One Man Conchairto 03/09/05 By Richard Waters  

Rewriting History

Seems for WrestleMania they are doing this Hall of Fame type deal. Last year they inducted such stars as Junkyard Dog, Bobby Heenan and Jesse Ventura. For newbies like me (only been watching for 7 years now) I knew of these guys, but not much on their legacy. What makes me laugh was Pete fucking Rose was inducted. What the hell? He did what for wrestling exactly? He made maybe three cameo appearances at WrestleMania with Kane. Drew Carey was in the Royal Rumble, why not induct him?

I think legend gets passed around too much these days. You know there are some people on the net (bar very few) that think Dave Batista is better the Austin. Now I may be biased because I'm a Stone Cold mark, but come on now. Austin can work the mic, rile a crowd up with any match and despite not being the reason he was such a draw... he could work.

People say Mick Foley is a legend. "Hardcore" Legend maybe, but a legend? Mick was famous for King of the Ring 1998. That's it. I'm not saying Mick was worthless (hell when he took moves, he actually felt the full impact) but to call him a legend seems silly. He basically spent his entire WWE-tenure (aka the only time he was good) putting people over. But damn if he didn't do a good job. Mick Foley is not a legend.

This brings me to another man who is thought of as a legend: the Undertaker. Undertaker is not a legend in my book. Holds your bricks for the end.

Taker is still wrestling to this day, he is not a legend. A legend is someone of the past. Hulk Hogan when he's not making an ass of himself was a legend. No dispute about that. You can argue that Austin and Rock may have been bigger draws or at the very least on the same level, but Hogan made wrestling popular. Ric Flair is still wrestling, but considered a legend. If he was not making a fool of himself by wrestling and being used as a manager first and foremost, then he could use the term legend.

What has Taker really done I ask? He has had four (iirc) world title reigns under his belt. I'm not saying a legend is someone with a lot of reigns (HHH a legend he is not) because I consider quality reigns more important then number. Taker held the title twice before I became a fan. He did some stuff with Hogan and if their Judgment Day match from 02 was any indication, it probably sucked. Word on the street (err net) is that he won his second title in arguably the worst WM main event ever. He had a weak world title reign during 99 and his undisputed title reign was laughable at best with the exception of his Jeff Hardy feud.

When you are at legendary status (not the same as a legend) you should not be hogging the spotlight. You should be putting over talent that needs a good rub. When was the last time Taker put someone over? A victory over the Deadman can only do someone good. What, will he be demoted to Velocity? I'd kill to see that. The last person I remember Taker putting over seriously since donning the "American Bad Ass" gimmick was Brock Lesnar. That was in HIAC, supposedly Taker's "specialty." But Brock shit on the company and left, basically spitting in the face of those who put him over. I guess Taker is afraid that by putting people over, they will leave the company.

The only time Taker is willing to lose matches is due to a screwjob or non-clean finish. Yeah he "put over" Cena in 03 AFTER A-Train derailed him. He lost to JBL in a gimmick match. I understand his gimmick is limited, but come on now. He isn't even the dead man. I consider the Undertaker the bi-sexual of the wrestling roster. He's the type of guy who can't choose between Biker and Zombie. So instead of being all out dead, he's just Biker without the bike and exchanged his bandana/leather jacket for a black cowboy hat and trench coat. He wears the same ring-gear as Biker Taker.

Biker Taker is not the Undertaker. Biker Taker is Mark Calloway. Since being buried alive, he has done nothing of importance. He tormented and squashed Kane at Mania. He sent the Dudleys (and killed Tag Team cred) to ROH or something, made Booker a bigger joke then HHH ever could, refused to get froggy with Latino Heat and basically squashed some entertaining heels. But people whine and say SD! will suck worse when he retires.

Taker is a part-timer. Half the time he only does run-ins, beats JBL/OJ in dark casket matches or uses his voodoo on annoying wrestlers. Some people say his popularity is that on par with Eddie and Cena. I beg to differ. Sure people go crazy for his entrance or when he makes a sudden appearance, but after that he isn't that over. Sure the crowd isn't dead, but his intro is the bulk of his cheers.

So basically all Taker has going for him is his streak at Mania. I HATE the WrestleMania undefeated streak of Taker. The reason I hate it is that everyone knows he has this streak. Thus no one ever expects him to lose. That is something which has ruined wrestling. When we expect things, it ruins the show. Now I'll admit the smark crowds expect things and the like, but it's nice not to know the results before it goes down.

Randy Orton does not have a match for Mania. He has been on a mission to make an impact. This past Monday we saw RKO's plans when he sat down a SD! magazine with the Taker's picture on it. For a month or so we have heard a rumor that Orton will battle Taker. I think that officially cements it into the cards. Orton is the Legend Killer and he KILLS LEGENDS. Undertaker may not be a legend in my eyes, but he has a legendary streak that needs to die.

This is something I am interested in more then HBK/Angle. You see no one can really predict this match. Will they decide to end his streak to the up and comer, Randy Orton? Or will they allow Taker to retire undefeated at the grandest stage of them all? I don't know if any of us can really tell. Sure we can guess on what we think will go down, but no one knows. This is good. Mystery. The only way this can be better is if Orton manages to kick out (or no SELL!) a Tombstone. I cannot wait for this match to go down. I'll be the one member of the Internet Wrestling Community cheering and hoping for a Randy Orton victory. And from here I think the future of the business shall cement his own legacy: ending the streak and starting an undefeated streak of his own.

TAKER YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED DEAD!!!
 
 
 

Wednesday March 16  2005 12:00AM
The One Man Conchairto 03/16/05 By Richard Waters  

School's in Session

This happened last week.

Random dude: Hey don't you write the One Man Conchairto?
Me: Yes, yes I do.
Random dude: Wow.
Me: Did you like last week's column on video games?
Random dude: *punches Me in the face*

I think it should come as to no surprise that I don't like the IWC. Sean decided to dub me the Fan's "anti-IWC" and I guess "Femme Fatale" was already taken. This week I'm going to talk about hypocricy (hopefully) and teach all the college and high school kids of the IWC a lesson. Yeah so listen up college boy, I'm about to learn ya something you won't find in no books...

I'm convinced that with the exception of big Dave, the IWC doesn't rely on wrestling talent and being small to define what is good. Basically what the smarks enjoy, is what Vince and the marks do not. Vince is not high on the small guys, everyone knows this. The marks don't really care either. What reason do they have to? They have no personalities and only get pops for pulling off a 450 every now and then *cough* London *cough*. The smarks like them because it's cool and hip to like things against the grain. To say that the big men can't move like them is laughable. Rosey can do a friggen moonsault. Sure if he landed the guy would die, but he can do it.

In my last column I ended with a subliminal message of "I hate Randy Orton..." and that's true. You might be saying, what? But it's true. As an unwanted member of the IWC, I am the same way. I liked Randy Orton when he turned face. It wasn't that he was so entertaining (I kinda liked him from Summerslam to Unforgiven though) it was that the IWC hated him. So I faked liking him and forced some stuff out. Yes the secret's out. Since the IWC did not like him, it made perfect sense to praise him beating the Deadman etc. But now that he turned heel, I don't like him. The reason is simple and a lot better justified then the reason I liked him. Randy Orton (irl it seems and his character) is every guy I hate. He's good looking and has a great body (take this how you will), he's a good talker, chicks love him and he's going to be World Champ again one day. Things I wish I could have. Randy Orton is basically the captain of the Swim Team. He's not the biggest guy, but he is well above me in status. I don't like that. Why he gets cheered as a heel is beyond me. In high school the nerd herd HATED those types and yet they bring signs of him to wrestling shows. Um no.

JBL is another good example. When he was first put into the position no one gave him a shot. The marks hated him. The smarks hated him. I hated him. When he won the title from Eddie everyone started 100 Anti-JBL threads on every forum. Suddenly that has changed. The once most hated man of the IWC is now the most loved. What gives? What's with the sudden love for Bradshaw?

The arguments that he is entertaining are flawed. "We never saw him work beyond tag team, so he never had a chance to show us his skills." BS. Plug in SD! Shut Your Mouth and play with Bradshaw. Does this ring a bell? He had a single's run as Cowboy man the Hardcore Champ. He is also a former European Champion if I'm not mistaken. JBL is a former single's star. He was only given the slot because Eddie couldn't handle the pressure and there were no other heels on SD!. Had Brock not left, Angle been healthy or RKO been on SD!, this never would have happened.

"His promos are so funny LOLZ!!!!!!!111" Again more BS. Bradshaw can talk, yeah. But the thing that gets to me is he is the same as HHH. People complain about HHH's 20-min promos, but praise JBL's? They're the same thing. I find myself "out of it" near the end. He says the same thing in in the first 2-mins as the last 20. His promos are not even funny. Every 20 promos I might go "pfft", but that's it! HHH at least can be entertaining, I'll give him that. See the after party with the cake after Unforgiven for an example.

JBL has not changed much since getting the ME push back in May. Why has the opinion of Cena changed? Simply because the marks hate Bradshaw and love Cena. As you may know, it's way more cool and hip to like stuff that isn't very popular. But luckily JBL's star is dying. After he loses at Mania he will face Cena at the next PPV in a big rematch. Cena will come out victorious and Bradshaw will be done. Finished. He will be lost in the annals of time as a forgotten champion. Goldberg ring a bell? Cena could possibly turn heel or something. JBL is finished come WrestleMania.

And if you think Vince had no part in this, you're really kidding yourself. Don't let your markdom fool you. You did not choose Batista. Vince was behind this all along. The fans do not choose who is champion. Influential at a minimal level, but no way do you pick them. If that were the case then Jericho would be champ again and RVD would have easily been the man in 2001 and 2002. I find it quite funny how people criticize Cena and Heidenreich for a lack of talent (ring wise) and yet scream for the 3-hit wonder Dave (Clothesline, spinebuster and powerbomb... you know the hoss basics). I just hope it doesn't become cool to hate the smarks because then I'm outta luck.

This is going to be my last column for several weeks. I have family (9 people!!!) coming in on the 22nd and they'll be leaving on April 1st... better not be a damn joke. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't like these people and stuff. If I did write a column it wouldn't be pretty because obviously I'm going to be stabbing myself in the face with a fork during the evenings. I'll be back after WrestleMania.

To tide you over until then: Rey Mysterio is teh suxx0r5!!11111111111!!!!!!111111111!!

Send Feedback To Richard Waters

 

 

Wednesday April 6  2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 04/06/05 By Richard Waters  

Why do we complain?

Well the "kid" is back. Actually had a pretty good time with the family. I missed an episode of Raw (one before Mania) because I went go-karting, which marked the first time since about 2000. I did check the site a few times for updates and managed to chime in my Table answers. I also noticed that the time I went on Hiatus we fucking had WM week? The hell? I watched Mania this weekend. Enjoyed the show a lot and <foolishly> checked the IWC for their thoughts when I have come to the realization that the IWC will never be happy.

The Internet is great. The IWC is (in theory) a good place to converse with fellow wrestling fans. It's fun to talk to fellow smarks. What isn't fun is watching a show like WM21 and seeing a bunch of nerds bitch and complain like they have sticks rammed up their asses.

And at the very least people could complain about things that were truly bad. Does anyone bitch that HBK shouldn't wrestle in chaps? No. Cena finally does the good FU, but does anyone praise that? No. People are already calling Cena a bad champion. He just won the belt. If I'm not mistaken all of you (yes all) were calling for Vince's head when Bradshaw won the title. Months later he is the new IWC God. What gives? Who is to say Cena won't be in the same boat. I mean, unlike JBL, Cena is a former IWC favorite.

The thing is, the only reason you're complaining is you're a smark. I remember when I was a mark (98-03) and I never once wanted to complain. Certain things I didn't agree with, but that was business. Can't always have my guy on top. Seeing certain match outcomes and "selling" never once caused me personal pain or anguish. I managed to get a good night's sleep despite Gunn going over Road Dogg. This is why I hate the IWC. People don't complain for any more reason then to sound superior and knowledgable. If you bitch about it that makes you an insider and super popular. I found myself doing that shit in high school. Newbie marks talk about wrestling and I add my .02 where it's not needed and the only thing I gained out of this was a weird look.

And seriously, what does complaining do? Absolutley nothing. Vince and Steph will not read your awesome thread. Nothing will change. So what's the point? There isn't one.

I'm so sick and tired of smarks justifying their complaints. "Blah blah well if we pay $50 for a show then it should always go our way." Bullshit. Do you see people bitching like we do if their team doesn't win the Superbowl? No. What about when you go to a movie? Odds are not everything goes your way. Why not complain then? Most people don't even order the PPVs anyway. Downloading off of Limewire is not the same as ordering channel 501 off of Digital Cable. Wrestling at the end of the day is nothing more then a TV show. I want Natalie and John to be together on One Life to Live, but if he ends up with Evangeline I won't be whining.

Now I do realize that we cannot please everyone, but there's a big difference between voicing your opinion and just being irritating. The IWC is so biased it's insane, so all these arguments are flawed.

Cena is too repetitive. Last time I checked Ric Flair spends 10 minutes woooing and doing the same 3 moves. No one bitches about him. So and so wins/loses to much. That's a stupid argument as well. Win and loss records hardly mean anything in a fixed sport. Eddie loses all the time, yet Rey beating him (something he's done before) seemed big at Mania. No one really wins anything. Cena/Dave did not win their respective belts. They were awarded them for being over and were given the chance to carry the ball (work with me here).

It's really sad to see people not enjoying something that's really fun simply because they have their expectations too high. Odds are if you just watched to watch a show you'd enjoy yourself a lot. I do that and I'm rarely disappointed in the product. Maybe I'm the poster child for Vince's version of the IWC, but that's okay. Unlike 99.8% of the web, I actually like watching wrestling. Remember that? Don't like it, don't watch it. Not worth your money, don't spend it.

And do you honestly think that Cena/JBL went to Vince and told him they were only going to wrestle for 10-minutes? Come on now. Now seriously, if the product is so bad and you hate it so much... why are you watching it? Just to bitch about how stupid Vince is? Gimme a break.

I'm wasting my time. There's no reasoning with the smark crowd. I mean these are the guys who think Ricky Steamboat was a good wrestler. If Rey owns you, there is really something wrong there.

 

 

Wednesday April 13  2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 04/13/05 By Richard Waters  
 
How To Kill A Mark

It's no mystery that there are a select few that happen to be GODS among the IWC. Jericho, Guerrero, Benoit, Bret... all IWC favorites. One of these men is seen as the top God, but at the same time I see him as one of the most hated. That man is Chris Benoit. Seems whenever a new set of marks erupt, they always want to compare their new hero to our GOD, Benoit. It's never anyone else. No one ever compares Kurt Angle to Randy Orton. It's always Benoit. Well I'm here to prove all these marks wrong.

Batista is the flavor of the month. There is no disputing this. I visit many smarks sites to steal columns ideas gain inspiration and every day I see a swarm of marks that seem to piss me off. I'm all for expression, but these threads they make are just trolling. "Who is the better draw: Batista or Benoit?" It is in my opinion that neither of them are draws. I can only think of a few men who were draws: Hogan, Austin and Rock. Austin obviously was a draw because he drew me into wrestling. I'm a big Crippler fan, but I didn't order Mania XX because of him. That was a big perk, but it was the card. I can't honestly see anyone (with minimal intelligence) spending $50 just for Batista.

Some people might argue that the ratings after Batista's Rumble win and following to Mania were 1/10 of a point higher then Benoit's. That hardly means anything. That's like the star ratings being different from **3/4 vs. **1/2... it's still a decent match. Now if Benoit was raking in the usual 3.8's and Dave was bringing home 5.2's, then yes he would be a bigger draw during that period of time. HOWEVER, neither man was the cause of those ratings. If Dave was doing shit for 2 hours and made the ratings, then yes I'd agree with you.

Benoit has just as much mic skills as Batista. You see Benoit, unlike Dave knows when to stop doing things. Remember when he had that "4 real" gimmick... phrase whatever. He did not say it every fucking night. He said it as a substitute for "prove me wrong." When he overcame the odds he used it to show everyone that he wasn't flavor of the month. Big Dave on the other hand is using this thumbs down shit way too often. Some would argue it's a set up motion for his finisher, but I'm sorry it just doesn't have the feel. And the fact that he does it when he's not even in a match. Also "you talkin' to me?" needs to die slowly.

Benoit can do it all. He can brawl, he can tie you in knots and he can fly. Batista can smash. And his smashing isn't all that convincing. We can talk all day about his few moves, but then I'd have to counter with Benoit's aresenal. To be in the main-event you should be able to work a minimum of 20-mins. People order the PPVs to see these types of matches. Squashes are for Raw... and not for the ME either. Dave is made to work short matches. It worked for Goldberg.

At Mania we saw something different. The HHH match lasted 20+ mins. which is standard for him. But not Dave. Dave went months of owning superstars and HHH himself. Then suddenly HHH was wrestling and outperforming Dave? That did not make the big man look good. His win wasn't even that good. If Cena and him had traded spots, I think both wins would have been better. Dave would have looked "real" plowing through JBL in a short time and Cena would look a lot more credible dethrowning HHH. It should have went down that way. Damn bookers. Hell even on their respective brands, JBL/Cena should have had the 25 min match. With the mark logic, Cena is easily a bigger draw then Dave.

I refuse to admit that Dave is a bigger star then Benoit. It's bullshit. In five years time (feel free to laugh) if Dave is still "drawing" and in the ME scene, then maybe I'll change my mind. Maybe if he learns to wrestle credible ME caliber matches. Maybe if he can get a standing ovation for fucking losing. Want more proof Benoit is a bigger star? During Dave's match he didn't get nearly a good reaction as usual. BUT, Benoit was the guy at the end of a FIVE HOUR SHOW and he was the most over guy in the match. Batista bigger then Benoit? Gimme a break.

 

 

Wednesday April 20  2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 04/20/05 By Richard Waters  

Greatest. Wrestler. Alive. Today. Period.

A mark is defined as someone who believes wrestling is real. A smark can be defined as someone who knows that wrestling is staged and thinks in terms of workrate (wrestling ability) and stuff behind the scenes. Sometimes smarks will use the term mark to define a devoted fan. Being a Hogan Mark means you're a fan of the bald guy, but not necessarily a 5-year old wrestling fan. In my opinion a mark can be someone who isn't a smark.

Smarks do not see eye to eye. This is a given. Smarks have different views on various things. There are smarks that love the hosses. A lot of the smarks cream at the thought of an Eddie/Benoit/Angle classic. Some smarks like to play gimmicks where they worship the likes of Nash and Buttberg, and "diss" the gems like Styles and Daniels. Some people think Flair is the greatest. Some think he's overrated. Batista marks will say he's the greatest. Flair says HHH is the greatest. What makes someone the greatest?
 Well I'll tell you.

First of all a wrestler has to know his trade. You can say that Hogan was popular knowing 2-4 moves, but a wrestling has to look legit. He can't look all blocky in his matches. Hogan had the bodyslam, boot, clothesline and leg drop if I'm not mistaken. That's not really a good supply of moves. Not to mention all of his matches sucked. Hogan is not the greatest wrestler ever. Neither is Cena. I'll admit that. A lot of wrestlers are good in the ring. There's more to it then that.

A wrestler has to be over, this is day one stuff. I don't think I have to explain this situation. A wrestler has to get a reaction from the crowd to be pushed, let alone viewed as good. Nothing is worse then silence... well a boring chant.

A wrestler must have a multi-dimensional character. Those who are stuck in lousy gimmicks (I'm looking at you Simon Dean) will never escape what they appeared in. In that sense a wrestler must be able to move from heel to face. Austin, Angle and Rock all mastered this. They had the fans in their hands where they were behind them no matter what. You can love or hate Rock. Some stars cannot do this. Randy cannot be a face. The likes of Rey Mysterio and Ricky Steamboat, were never successful as heels and never bothered to try. Ricky was always a face. He is not the greatest of all time. Rey isn't either. Hell they aren't even great.

A wrestler must have good mic skills. In that they must be able to speak without messing up. Their promos must sound real and not staged. A wrestler must have a good voice because nobody wants to hear something scratchy. We as fans must accept and eat whatever a wrestler feeds us.

A wrestler must be entertaining basically. In that I mean a guy who goes out there and puts on a show that we will always remember. His matches makes us give a damn about the guy. The matches must mean something. His heart has to be in the right place. Sorry Nash (Batista, Buttberg) marks.

It's not Ric Flair. He's good, but a shell of his former self. It's not HBK. His politics will prevent him from being seen as a legend by many. The screwjob controversey alone makes him disqualified from the running. Despite what WWE says, HHH is not even allowed to enter the contest. It's not Bruno "I'm a homo" Sammartino. Nobody cares about the guy. Bret Hart is not the greatest. I'll leave it at that. Who is it you ask?

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

A man that has brought the business to it's knees. A man that has sold out arenas on top of arenas. A man that could draw a 100.0 rating if a rumor of "___ is going to be in the Raw audience" got on the net. A man that could cause the next big wrestling boom. A man that could have us begging for more. Have any ideas?

This wrestler knows more holds then Dean "the original boring guy" Malenko. He knows how to get a crowd on it's feet faster then the Rock. The man gets legit pops easier then a cheap Foley promo. This guy can play heel or face and still get larger reactions then Hogan in his heyday. This man could hold the World Title for 10 years and no one would mind. This man has marks, smarks, Vince and co. all in agreement. He is the greatest wrestler alive today. He is the myth. He is the legend. He is the symbol of this business. He is...
The Flea.

 

 

Wednesday April 27  2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 04/27/05 By Richard Waters  

 
Gloves Are Off

Several years ago there was this kid named Brock. He was a big amateur wrestler. He was a champion then. Said he'd never become a pro-wrestler. Everyone knows never say never. Brock got a deal and trained in OVW. He stormed WWE in 2002 with Heyman. He destroyed people and was very intense. He won the last King of the Ring and beat the Rock at Summerslam. Lost to Big Show in November. Regained at Mania against Angle. He was a face, but turned heel by Summerslam. Earned his third title a month later. Dropped the title to Eddie in February.

Brock was set for a feud with Buttberg. Brock was feeling a little sad. With Eddie as champ, the house shows slightly increased in attendance. Nothing major as wrestling was in downtime, but this still hurt his feelings. Brock thought long and hard about his accomplishments. In the span of under two years he had done it all. He won King of the Ring, the Royal Rumble and held 3 WWE Title reigns under his belt. Some stars have done a lot, but never that quickly. Kurt Angle may have won just as much, but never that soon. Some stars will never reach one of Brock's accomplishments. Before his match with Buttberg, Brock decided to stop wrestling. He wanted to join the NFL, so he asked to end his contract. Vince agreed with his decision.

He had nothing to gain out of his match with Buttberg. Buttberg was also leaving the company. He was big in WCW. Smashed jobbers like no one else could. Former WCW Champion, damn it! He came to WWE and complained about being buried. Rock put him over, who had victories over Hogan and Austin under his belt. Hardly a burial. Not Rock's fault the WWE fans didn't like him. Squash matches just didn't work today in the main event. It was 2003, not 1998. Buttberg beat Jericho and actually had to sell. Poor guy.

Buttberg is known for being a whiner. He doesn't like to lose. He doesn't like to work more then 5-minutes. He likes to get all the offense and win matches. He's the greedy backyard wrestler. Buttberg wanted the World Heavyweight Championship. Not because he earned it or deserved to hold the belt, but because he's fucking Buttberg. He was a hit in 1998. Sure he was getting booed as a face and couldn't work long matches, but damn it if he didn't have some kick-ass shorts.

HHH dropped the title to him. Gave him a successful title defense at Survivor Series. Buttberg dropped the title back to HHH in December. Was Buttberg loyal? No, he had stuff to do in Japan. Was Buttberg greedy? You betcha. He only wanted to "work" Raws and PPVs. No house shows for this "house" name. Buttberg wanted to bury people and get paid. Kinda like HHH, but with less energy. Since the WWE was obviously not going to give him another reign as champ, he wanted out. Once his contract ended after Mania XX, he quit the company.

Both Buttberg and Brock received boos and the usual good-byes from the crowd. The net butchered them. I didn't care for Brock. I was glad he left. Finally some new blood can share in on the spotlight. Buttberg didn't care for the business either, so good riddence.

Vince needed an extra $250k to pay a girl. He fired some people he never used on TV. The likes of Mack, Jazz and Nidia were let go. They were never mentioned online or on TV. Suddenly it was a travesty they were released. Nobody cared about them until after they were let go. Kinda like how no one cares about you until you're gone. It works well when people are injured.

"They'll make it big in TNA". That's what they always say. Never happens. They usually work the indies for a few months until they file for bankruptcy. You can't live on peanuts afterall. There's always Japan, but what if you don't speak "Japan-anese"? There's always the Toy Department at Wal-Mart. The life of a wrestler is tough.

In 2004 Molly Holly, arguably the best technically sound Diva in the company, just dropped her title to Victoria. From here she would have her head shaved and went on a jobbing streak. Hey, she loved the business and didn't have any pull... it was her job. She continued to put Victoria over. Eventually Trish got the title and Molly was used to put her competition over.

Christy Hemme won the Divas Search. She was Trish's next big opponent. Her first match was against Molly and she won with a Reverse Twist of Fate. You know, Lita's half-finisher that she stole from her then boyfriend Matt Hardy. Oddly enough the rookie did it better then Lita ever could. Trish pinned Christy at Mania. On an episode of Raw there was a tag match featuring Christy/Victoria vs. Molly/Trish. Christy pinned Molly.

No one was surprised. Molly was a jobber.

Molly approached the management and asked them for the possibility of a face turn. She had been a heel for several years and was quite stale. Victoria happened to bomb as a face, so switching these two would make sense. Management declined the request. They said it wouldn't work. Molly came to the company as a face. Obviously they had no plans of pushing her. She was a loyal girl, she'd stick around.

Vince announced the 2005 Diva Search. Last year's event was a flop. Best 2 out of 3?

Molly asked management for her release. They told her to think it over. She was sure. With all the new Divas coming in, it was obvious wrestling was not on their minds. Molly figured she'd just put these girls over and would never amount to a push. So she quit. The net shunned Vince for this. Letting Molly go was their worst mistake. The Women's division was non-existent, but keeping Molly around would save it. Yeah, sure.

Molly is seen as a hero for leaving the company she had no future in. It's okay to give up if you're going to be miserable. Brock asked Vince out of his contract and he was awarded that luxury. Buttberg's contract was legally finished, so he didn't have to ask. He didn't want a new one and it was likely he wasn't getting one. Still the net called these guys out. They were bastards for turning their backs on the company.

Yet Molly is a hero. A hero for quitting simply because she wasn't in the spotlight. When you sign a contract, you are obligated to fulfill your duties. People who join the Armed Forces sign up in incriments of 4-years. Give it a try. Not for you? When your term is up, do not re-enlist. You do not ask to be released because it isn't as you expected.

Molly is no hero. Molly Holly aka Nora Greenwald is a coward. She is a greedy little girl who was pissed of not being in the spotlight. I don't call that a realist, I call it a prima donna. Strangely enough that's also called a Diva. Molly was not in the right to quit the WWE. The WWE made you lady. If you wanted out, you refuse a new contract when your current one is complete.

The Hurricane knows he'll never get a push. He stays. Why? Because he's smart. Sure he could be big in the indies, but he won't make as much as a WWE jobber. A popular jobber at that. He has to think about his future. What's smarter? Having 30-min clinics with the world champion and living paycheck to paycheck or jobbing to Masters and having financial security? Molly made a huge mistake. Vince will not call you back. He doesn't need you. Alexis and others are waiting in OVW. Divas are a dime a dozen. Not like anything you could do, Trish can't. Trish is a better heel, face and Diva. Sorry Nora, but with an attitude like that... I wouldn't push you either.

 

 

Wednesday May 4 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 05/04/05 By Richard Waters  

Catch Phrase

 

I feel the need to address last week's Molly column. The backlash was intense. I don't think my true point went across. Whether or not she was unhappy makes little justification for her quitting. Rumors state that she wanted a babyface run. She doesn't get it and suddenly she has lost her passion for the business? So if she was a face, she'd have more reason to stay? Gimme a break. Molly is a baby.

 

Over at my Molly forum the members haven't taken too kindly to my views. Like what? You're not a Molly fan anymore? She was so unhappy and wanted to leave. Who the hell are you? Your views and opinions are at the same level of monkey a$$! Something has changed this week about "radishman". He has caused controversey on a forum. People are starting to boo his posts. He makes people mad, but doesn't break rules so he isn't going to be banned. I, my friends, have just turned heel. *cue new kick-ass Conchairto theme*

 

There are a lot of terms that get passed around on message boards. I for one think they need to be abolished. If only Sean could do what he does to certain words on the forum to the wonderful Interweb. The world and IWC would be a safer place. So I'm going to list the words and make fun of them and laugh my ass off (apparently I'll be the only one).

 

Draw: What is a draw? What I perceive is the ability to sell merchandise and get people to buy tickets and PPVs. Austin and Rock were draws. Hogan was a draw. You can argue about others. What gets to me is that people seem to want to put draw next to individual wrestlers. Nobody is a draw nowadays. One person doesn't draw. A company draws. Sorry Dave Marks, he is no draw. Raw is getting good now. We're not getting 4.1 because Dave shows up macking on Christy. "Vanilla Midgets have never drawn a dime" - I guess that explains those damn 4 Real shirts...

 

Spots: Spots can be seen as high impact moves that get a good reaction. A moonsault to the outside, all of Jericho's moves, etc. TLC matches were considered spotfests. "Spots don't make a good match." You're wrong. No spots, make a bad match. Professional wrestling matches are nothing more then a series of spots. Rest holds and brawling are setting up the next spots. A match without spots is an amateur style bout.

 

Mark: This word has lost all its meaning. It means someone who thinks wrestling is real as in unstaged. Kayfabe is dead, so no one really thinks it's real. I think the use of the word to describe a big fan is a little played out. "Hogan Mark" is stupid to say.

 

Heat/Pop: I don't think anyone can really say (aside from being there live) so and so didn't get enough of a reaction or not. WWE pipes shit in, takes it out. It's really sad. There is no such thing as X-pac heat. You are supposed to hate the heel. Us more knowledgable fans might still like the heels, but the boos are what they yearn for. Hating a person is what we are supposed to do to the heels. The heat Masters gets is what he is payed to do. Call it what you want. Besides we as smarks act like dicks at live events. We cheer the heels and boo the faces because it makes us seem "cool". Trust me I did it before. It just gives us Heat from the crowd.

 

Casuals: What the hell is a casual fan? Someone who tunes in at Mania and every once in a while? Yeah, it's really quite silly.

 

So pretty much I hate those terms. Sorry about this week's, I had great plans for this article... but it went down the drain. Next week will be better. I will bring everyone a public service annoucement. I think it'll be good. Hopefully the casuals will mark for it...

 
 
 
The One Man Conchairto 05/18/05 By Richard Waters  
 

Do The Right Thing

At WrestleMania we saw John Cena win the WWE title. Now unlike Batista, Cena had been over for far longer. He had been swimming in the mid-card for over a year. The fans chose him unlike Orton and it wasn't just one feud that caused the powers that be to choose him to lead the Smackdown! brand.

Go ahead and re-watch Mania. Download the JBL/Cena match, buy the DVD, bit torrent it, whatever. As soon as JBL leaves the limo... you can see something in his eyes. He was quite uninspired in the match. Seeing as it was the sub-main event for Wrestle fucking Mania, I find that to be utter and complete bullshit. Quite unprofessional if you ask me. JBL's performance was at Molly Holly shitty levels.

He was booked to dominate 85% of the match and totally phoned it in. Perhaps he was pissed that he actually had to carry a match and do his first real job as a main eventer. The same thing Taker, Eddie, Show, Angle, etc. did for him. Those men worked their asses off to make JBL look like a million bucks. It's part of the business and JBL should have done the same for Cena.

JBL had all the chances in the world to put Cena over. He didn't worry about getting crowd heat, and his entire offense was as bland as Rey Mysterio's feud with Eddie Guerrero. JBL knew Cena was young and inexperienced. JBL knew Cena needed the proper send-off. JBL failed to carry the match at Mania and it showed.

JBL had the best match of his career against Eddie. Eddie worked his ass off and fucking died almost via blood loss for this man. Bad booking will not be used here. The Orlando/Cena Champion vs. Champion match was booked better then the Mania encounter. If the Bashams and OJ had cheated in the bout and JBL ended up losing anyway, there would be justification for him carrying around the belt, not just because "he can." That disgusts me because it's as if he's still the champion... which he is not.

JBL can redeem himself this Sunday at Judgment Day in the I Quit match. There are no excuses this time. No HHH needing lots of time for an entrance. No booking cutting the bout short. It's the main-event at a show that will obviously be hurting for time as it is. There will be weapons and blood. If the IWC's hero JBL does not give Cena the proper send-off as he did not succeed in doing at Mania, then it proves that JBL is a very selfish and childish man. A man that does not deserve to be in the main event scene. If he does not grasp the concept I am demanding of him, he shouldn't even be allowed on Velocity.
 
 Send Feedback To Richard Waters
 
 
 
 

Wednesday May 11 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 05/11/05 By Richard Waters  
 
Go Away Marks!

Several months ago I was struggling for some sort of gimmick here at the Fan. It was hard because I didn't have any good qualities. Nay had her catch phrase, Bacon's an idiot, Harry and Sean are funny. I had none of that. Especially the funny. I'm not even in the same zip code as funny. Then I thought since I was always disagreeing with the smark ways, that could be my gimmick. I thought it was original. Well I was wrong.

There seems to be a certain amount of people who have adapted the "Anti-Smark" attitude. However, these people are giving me a bad name. I legitimately dislike things that the IWC does. For instance they hate shows that I find entertaining and they love matches I find to be dull piss breaks. I like to poke fun at that. But this certain individual takes that to an extreme. Everyone knows them, but now they will be exposed. Who am I talking about?

Nash Marks.

Nash Marks like to take my Anti-IWC persona and make it annoying. And no, not in the good way. These kids like to make little threads like "Masters = NEW WHC!!!!!!!!!!" and proceed to brand Mysterio, Benoit and Guerrero as the worstest in the EVA!!!!!. I never wanted to kill someone in my life, but I'm definitley willing to make them die.

Nash Marks are trolls. How can you be sure you've spotted a Nash Mark? It's easy, and I'll show you the characteristics to help you better protect yourself and your family. Hey, it's the least I can do.

* Nash Marks like to use the term "vanilla midgets". This obviously refers to the likes of the X-Division in that they're hell of wrestlers, but lack a personality. If your name isn't Nash, Buttberg or Batista... you're probably a VM. The term was created by Nash iirc and it's quite weird that his best buddy of the Kliq, X-pac, meets the criteria of a VM.

* Whenever someone brings up drawing power. I would love to meet the person who actually gives a crap about drawing power. "Benoit never drew a dime." Bullshit. I've seen at least one person with a 4-Real shirt. That's fucking $25 right there. Basically take the above VM and switch it with draw.

* Whenever Benoit bashing occurs. These guys love to troll up the smark forums and what better way then to talk smack about our hero Benoit? It gets quite annoying actually. I mean we were talking about how awesome No Mercy (the game, not the October PPV) was and he gets brought up. Okay I'm lying, but he does get mentioned in discussions that have nothing to do with him.

* Whenever someone talks about "how dumb the IWC is". Yeah I do it too, but it's all in good fun. I openly admit I'm part of the IWC. If you read this site, post on any forum, etc. you are a member of the IWC. Remember kiddies, there's a big difference between saying the IWC Sucks and I Don't Agree With Said Post.

There are other criteria to be a Nash Mark such as low sperm count, irritating avatars and flame wars... but I think you get the general idea. In fact one of our "writers" is either a Nash Mark or has a personality based on one. I'll skip to the punch: Bacon is the KING of Nash Marks. The difference is he can actually be funny. And unlike every other Nash Mark... Bacon actually draws.

If you catch a Nash Mark, run away. Delete the site from your bookmarks. Do whatever it takes to get them banned. Together we can stop it from happening. Nash Marks are spreading and soon the entire IWC will be covered in Goldberg defenders. We can't have any of that.

Friends Don't Let Friends Become Nash Marks!

 
 
The Ultimate 'The Flea' Collection [2005]

His name draws universal awe and admiration. He is the 17-time Heavyweight Champion of the entire world Universe. He has held more titles then any competitor in the history of professional wrestling. Fans around the world Universe pay tribute to him by chanting his name even during matches that he isn't even a part of. He has influenced more stars then anyone else, and even wrote his own book. There are legends and icons, but there is only one The Flea.

The Flea is the greatest wrestler to ever grace the squared circle. He started from humble beginnings infiltrating Matt Hardy's backyard wrestling federation and moved to all of the federations in North America and Japan. He made his arrival into WWE and saved the company from bankruptcy. Watch as he goes from playfully owning his buddies on a trampoline to main-eventing WrestleMania and continuing to put on ***** classics to this day. The Flea has something for everyone. And in this special edition 5-disc
set he celebrates his career from the past two decades. This set isn't just for wrestling fans, it's a set for human beings alike. Buy the Ultimate 'The Flea' Collection so that it may own your soul.

This isn't like the Shawn Michaels DVD where there are little snip its here and there. The Flea is LIVE in front of the camera and introduces you to his matches that went across his legendary career. There are no middle men here. What's included?

DISC 1: THE EARLY YEARS

Matt Hardy gets fired from WWE for being cheated on and he starts his own fed like he told all the IWC members to do. Watch as The Flea joins the group and immediately receives his first round of cheers, much to the chergrin of Hardy. Hell even the Hardy Girl Marks can't help but chant his name. He goes undefeated in this unique fed and proves that Matt will earn more scar for symbols when he wins the worthy title as Carolina Champion. He retires as champ from the feud. Matches include...

* The Flea vs. Perry Saturn
* The Flea vs. Hardy Gurl
* The Flea and Edge's Wife vs. Matt Hardy and Molly Holly
* Championship Contendership inside a "Steel Cage" aka Trampoline Net: The Flea vs. Rhyno
* Carolina Championship: Matt Hardy vs. The Flea
* Highlights from all title defenses
* Farewell Speech

DISC 2: NEW JAPAN

After quitting the not-so indy scene of backyard wrestling The Flea decided to take a trip to Japan. Not only is he a big school girl fan, but EVERYONE succeeds in Japan. Watch as The Flea gets acquainted with former stars of such promotions as WWF, WCW, WWE, ECW, TNA and even a return match from V1 himself. The Flea adjusted to speaking Japan-anese and didn't take long to find success. Features include...

* The Flea vs. D'lo Brown
* The Flea vs. Low Ki
* The Flea vs. Ikichi Morisato
* I Quit Match: The Flea vs. Suguro Keitaro
* The Flea vs. Matt Hardy - No DQ
* New Japan Heavyweight Title: Goldberg vs. The Flea

DISC 3: MEXICAN - A REAL FED NOT REY MYSTERIO'S STOMACH TATTOO

Soon The Flea returns to his roots. He dresses and wrestles like a luchadore, so what better promotion to dominate then Taco Town? Watch as The Flea takes on some of the best masked wrestlers the planet has to offer. Featured...

* The Flea vs. M. Martinez
* The Flea vs. Chavo Classic
* The Flea vs. The Entire Mysterio Family
* Watch as The Flea annihilates Aaliyah and Dominic which makes Mysterio cry!
* The Flea vs. Cheer and Chong
* The Flea vs. An Entire Taco Bar
* The Flea vs. Buena Girl

Do not worry Spaniards... alternate commentary is available. Mild sauce not included.

DISC 4: WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT

Finally The Flea makes it to the big leagues. He makes it to the WWE. Watch as The Flea has the best matches of his entire career. He goes through the roster and unlike HHH and Undertaker he actually gives the talent a proper rub. Witness as the Flea starts out on Smackdown and ends Taker's streak before he jumps to Raw. Here he wins the World Title and unifies it with the WWE Title and becomes the 2nd ever Undisputed champion... and the title stays undisputed when the brand extension ends. Some would say t
hese were his best matches...

SMACKDOWN DAZE
* The Flea vs. Carlito - WWE Debut
* The Flea vs. Rey Mysterio
* The Flea vs. Eddie Guerrero
* The Flea vs. JBL in a Loser has to job to Taker match
* The Flea vs. John Cena for the WWE Championship
* The Flea vs. The Undertaker @ WrestleMania XXII

RAW DAZE
* The Flea vs. Hassan - House Show where he gets the first pin over Muhammad
* The Flea vs. Randy Orton
* The Flea vs. Batista
* The Flea vs. HHH for the World Heavyweight Championship
* The Flea vs. Ric Flair
* The Flea vs. Chris Masters - Watch as The Flea breaks the Masterlock!
* Witness Flea's victory speech after winning the World Title... and never giving HHH a rematch!
* The Flea convinces Trish Stratus to pose for Playboy
* The Flea shoots on HHH and buries him to the mid-card... no seriously

DISC 5: FINAL MOMENTS AND EXTRAS

The Flea's final years in WWE are shown along with various bonus features throughout his career. Here The Flea talks about his best feuds, matches and backstage info that every fan will want to know. The home stretch and footage The Flea cannot be without!

* The Flea defends the World Heavyweight Championship vs. Ric Flair
* The Flea vs. Mick Foley inside Hell in a Cell
* The Flea vs. Chris Benoit in an Ultimate Submission Iron Man Encounter
* The Flea vs. Shane McMahon
* The Flea vs. Stephanie's Hole
* World Heavyweight Championship: The Flea vs. Chris Jericho
* Unification Match - WWE and World Heavy Championship: The Flea (WHC) vs. The Cheat (WWE)

EXTRAS

* Shoot interview
* Promo on HHH: The Flea speaks of his backstage politics and how he failed to earn more then 15 reigns, thus Flair's record was broken by... The Flea
* Footage of Flea "wrestling" Trish Stratus into posing for Playboy
* The Flea vs. The Rock
* The Flea vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin - Austin's Last Match
* The Flea vs. Scott Keith
* The Flea vs. Hulk Hogan - Loser Must Retire... for real
* Speech after defeating HHH for the World Title and denying him a future title shot
* His Final match vs. Bret Hart @ WrestleMania XXV
* Bloopers
* Home Videos from his Training
* Desire Video

EASTER EGGS

But that's not all. Featured on every disc is an special easter egg. What you might find can include public firing of all the Divas, kicking HHH out of creative control, sending Rey Mysterio back to OVW, his match vs. Sean O'Haire during his one-night only ROH appearance and more.

The Greatest Wrestler has the Greatest Set of all time. It has something for everyone. Whether you like hosses squasing each other, workrate, T&A, Entertainment not Wrestling, etc. it's all here. Spanning five discs this set is a must have for wrestling fans and anyone with a pulse. With over 50 hours of footage and tons of bonus features, this Collection will make even the most cynical smark smile with joy. What more do you need?

The Flea lives on in us all...

 
The One Man Conchairto 06/08/05 By Richard Waters  

Extremely Crappy Wrestling

Since the rumor of the ECW PPV I have been against it. I didn't want it to happen way before EZ E got involved. I didn't buy the ECW History DVD. It didn't interest me and neither does this One Night Stand. ECW is Extremely Crappy Wrestling.

Several months ago I bought the Foley DVD. The first parts bored the shit out of me. When did I start liking it? When Foley came to the WWE. Now I find the Foley/HBK match a little slow and overrated, but it was still better then all of the ECW crap.

I just can't get into it. Rob Van Dam is cited at saying that the "hardcore" wrestling in E was nothing more then garbage wrestling. It wasn't work-rate fest, but I was pretty entertained by it. Maybe it was the concept that they're supposed to use weapons. Which is why the "ECW rules" matches have confused me. I know it was extreme, but since when did they have no rules? I went to one ECW show.

This was prior to 2002 I believe. What I remember at the time was Credible was ECW Champ, Rhyno TV and that the Duds were in WWE. I know this because I overheard some idiot say "where are the dudleys?". Anyways what I remember were average matches accompanied by the ring boy who wiped the ropes. He was more over then any wrestler. But the thing is they didn't get "extreme" until the main event. First time I've seen Rhyno gore someone and bend a ladder. Awesome, but not what I expected.

This PPV is not ECW. I'm not talking that it's running an Invasion Angle, but all the talent is just WWE stars. Eddie vs. Benoit? They made their impact in WCW. Jericho/Storm? See the previous match. The only people that were full-ECW is in the tag match: Sandman/Dreamer vs. Dudz. One match is going to be ECW? Gimme a break.

And honestly what was so special about ECW? I'm sorry but I could NOT get into it. Reminds me of today's TNA. You people are fools. You bought the hype. Who the hell is gonna pay $400 for a ticket. An ECW show. A show you didn't know the card of. Damn that's expensive. I'm expecting Summerslam/Rumble seats for that... even if I'm totally ignorant at TicketMaster pricings.

It has some to my attention that ECW is the smark fed. It wasn't on TV so basically the only way you could know about it is from the Internet. Just like ROH. It was a cult classic and you either went to shows or ordered them. Just like ROH. They had matches that people creamed over, while the "casuals" said they weren't great. Just like ROH. People say WWE can't compete work-rate wise. Just like ROH. I think ROH is the new ECW. And with that I'm also starting to disapprove of the theory that the smark crowd is a small minority. The way fans are reacting to shit and stuff is making me believe that the smark crowd is alive and well. I mean there are little kids who know the terms heel and face. It's a sad day and age, but I'm beginning to think that Kayfabe truly is dead.

With that in mind I will not be ordering the ECW ONS. Guerrero/Benoit might be a great match. That alone is not worth $35. Hell one good match is not worth the price of a PPV. I don't care how good. In any event unless Dawn Marie was going to give me oral sex for entering my pin # on my remote... I would not pay that much for the show. So Eric Bischoff you can consider me your Anti-ECW Brigader General. I will not participate in the burial of ECW live, but I'm doing my part to prove that
it truly is dead. Thank you.

 
 
The One Man Conchairto 06/15/05 By Richard Waters  

SD! is Screwed...

Disclaimer: Please be aware that of the time of this column I did not see the spoilers. But seriously, like any possibly trade sans a permanent HHH will matter.

Last year's draft was basically a mid-card shuffle where only Mr. Benjamin benefitted. There really isn't much of a difference between doing nothing on Raw and doing nothing on SD!. This year I actually was a little siked about the draft like many of you and well despite some marking... I'm disappointed.

The first pick shocked everyone with John fucking Cena. This opened ups a lot of possibilities. For starters it proves that WWE can throw us a curve ball and shows that truly anything can happen. Cena can cut edgy and non-poopy promos without being edited on SD!... well UPN. Cena is more of an entertainer then a wrestler, and Raw seems to be the entertainment show. The bad parts is that he is no the HHH show and we all know how Trips like to cuts hot guys off at the balls. But this is really bad for SD!. Not only do they not have a champion, but one of their top guys and easily #1 babyface is gone. No one from Raw can make up for it. Also this kinda kills Christian dead imo. His whole motive was going to SD! away from the politics and feud with Cena. With Cena on Raw, it becomes nothing more then a mid-card feud. Also with the addition of the WWE title match, this makes the WWE title (aka the actual title) nothing more then a glorified IC title.

Who knows? Maybe they are saving the big money match for Summerslam. Hopefully.

SD!'s first pick was Benoit. I'm a little indifferent with this trade. Afterall Benoit was the only who moved from here to Raw only about 18 months ago. Since losing the title he has been booked better then a total burial, but he hasn't been doing much. I don't expect him to get another WWE title run. If he turns heel they have Eddie, who is just as good of a worker and hell of a lot better mic man. NashMarks can rejoice I suppose...

This past Monday we saw Kurt Angle drafted to Raw. Many expected it. It makes me ill. Some of his comments @ HHH were pretty good, but overall I still find it to be HHHis show. It sickens me and I wonder what kind of coffee, err cofHHHE, Vince is feeding everyone. They already blew the HBK rematch load at a potential throw-away PPV. Vengeance is shaping up, but still. Maybe a best of 3 @ Summerslam, seeing as HBK is SO WINNING the rematch. Doesn't matter, Kurt won where it counted. Don't lose your smile fucker.

SD! doesn't have a champ... a top seller... their #1 heel... two guys that were SD! threw and threw. Both guys buried SD! when they arrived to please HHH's ego and well... SD! is pretty much screwed. I'm all for ME caliber talent moving shows and truly spicing things up, but it seems our worst nightmare is coming true. Raw was overloaded with talent as it is. That was the whole focus of the draft, to even out the rosters. With Raw getting all of the top talent of the blue brand... all I have to ask is why in the heck?

I want to enjoy this. I really do. WWE in general has been good lately. With SD! getting shitted on and with the upcoming Diva Search it appears the 'E is going in the crapper again. I beg you Vince, make the rest of the draft worthwhile. And while you're at it, don't make me sit through 45 minutes of filler waiting for the draft pick. I'm always there as CSI ends to watch my show, but this week was special because I anticipated the draft pick to open the show. Shame on you Vince. Shame shame.

 

Wednesday June 22 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 06/22/05 By Richard Waters  

Looking @ the 'Search Gotta tell ya I was a little disappointed this week. I thought we were gonna meet the 8 finalists... not see the damn video montage 100 times. I had some thoughts as I watched their segments and I thought I'd share them with you. I'll go through each girl individually. I'll mention their names and what not, because I'm sure NO ONE knows them.


The first girl is my personal favorite. Her name is Elisabeth. What I found most interesting about this chick is that she's one of those "uber cool unique" people in that she thinks spelling her name an alternative way makes her original. Basically she's an idiot "women can be sweet and sexy, but also strong and confident." What else do you need to know about her? She's a "Baywatch Babe Search Winner" - so she knows how to get votes... and she's a model. You know, because she's not a regular girl . She also has her own clothing line? Wow. Just wow. She's got my vote.


Number two belongs to Kristal... and once again we get one of those alternative name people. Pisses me off. Least it's almost normal, not like Jeffrey - Geoffrey. She's a 2nd place runner up for Ms. California... aka she's a loser. Not to mention she's starred in many rap music videos and various commercials. Wow. And last but not leaste she's a former Price is Right Girl. Basically that means she has no personlity. She's only here to be the token black chick.


Her name is Leyla and unlike in Big Daddy, she isn't totally hot. I don't like her at all. Her stringy hair shows she wants to be Melina. That and she apparently doesn't have any eyes. She has starred in a bunch of shows you've never heard of and has a degree in fashion. What the hell does that mean?


Her name is Cameron and I'd like to pause for a second. See I told you Inferno, you have a girl's name. Your Raw rants will never be the same again. Ha ha... yeah. In any event she looks very plain. She's a former Miller Lite Girl and well she's still a student. That's great. Now she needs to just dress like a school girl and I might give a damn.


This is Simona and she's done it all: commercials, shows, having sex with your Mom. Still she doesn't really stand out. She'll either be done first or just after the black chick. Next.


Two black chicks? That's crazy talk. Her name is Alexis, not to be confused with Laree who doesn't fucking exist people. Even if she was waiting in OVW, there's no way she's coming now... since all the Divas will be hired. Can't have two girls with the same name. Basically she's been in TV and movies and fitness magz. She went to Ballet school in Canada. Yeah and she's got a big chest.


This is Ashley. On the outside she looks like a cool rocker party girl. She seems down to earth except she's an actress who has hosted Wild On on E. Also she's posed in Stuff, FHM and other non-nude male magz. Well maybe she is the same as a party girl. You know the chicks who blow me off and say I can't talk to them... oh yeah she's part of a wrestling family as her Dad and brother competed. I guess that makes me wanna vote since I LOVE ALL WRESTLERS. I dunno. I hate her.


Here's Summer. If they made her gimmick the total bitch from Napoleon Dynamite, she might make it. Maybe it won't be so hard: she was a cheerleader in college. She was a Miss July Hawaiian Tropic and has been on the cover of DialD mag... which I'm guessing is a spread for nude soap. Don't let her pom poms fool ya, she's a smart one. She has a degree in psychology at LSU. And yet I can't vote for someone named after a season. But odds are she came up with it herself.

Oh. My. God.

So there ya have it. I think my intro to the 8 Diva Hopefuls was a lot better then the one on Raw. Maybe you learned their names. Maybe I helped sway your vote (that doesn't seem to even count...). Maybe I just wasted 15 minutes of your time. What's my point? It's gonna be a long two months.

I think I'd better print Elisabeth's picture...

Wednesday July 7 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 07/06/05 By Richard Waters  

Divas Divas and Releases?
 
It's pretty funny where our priorities lay. HHH is totally gone for 2-weeks (and not because he said he was walking out...) and we see HBK somewhat turn heel and yet we've all got the Raw Diva Search on our minds. A few points come to mind.
 
I believe last week's debut of the finalists made a 4.5 or something as far as ratings go. I don't understand the ratings and what that number means, but I do understand that the norm since we left the Attitude Era has been 3.5-4.0 as the norm. That's quite a jump in ratings, does that mean the ladies draw? Nah. Notice how it was placed right before a hot main event with a mystery partner and some people just tune in for the overrun anyway. Now normally I'd say wait and see what this week's ratings are, but I'm sure if they're low someone will just blame the holiday on it. But hey if the Divas can score big ratings, more power to them I guess.
 
This week's event was Bikini Bootcamp, an obstacle course. I have really little to say about it. The thing about these events is that really lose their charm and appeal (if that's possible) after 1-2 tries. It's fucked up seeing the same shit over and over again. That's why the Flea is such a draw, no match is the same. Not like damn Mysterio and his pointless segments where he wastes licorice for no apparent reason. I'll comment on the girls who stood out.
 
Summer: Not for her stupid try at the obstacle course, but because she fucking fell when she tried coming out and sticking her leg in the air. That by far got the best reaction. Hilarious.
 
Leyla: During the course her top was slipping. I was really hoping we'd get a peak, but no. I loved how she got booed like hell for covering up. What puzzled me was she looked pissed when Coach DQ'd her. Ummm even if you continued with your top covered, you wouldn't have won. She is so gonna get telefragged. It also strikes me as funny because you WILL be posing in Playboy if you win, so...
 
That's it. Nothing impressive there. Stupid and boring segment and we've got lots more. At least they're not doing the same shit as last year.
 
And with that the WWE has decided to clean up it's roster and release some superstars. Obviously they're going to need a good million to hire the winner... and all the losers for pointless shit. Of all the people they hired... what are they doing now? Half of them left. Lauren Jones actually has a thread on a forum I go to, that's all for her. Candice was last seen welcoming the ladies. Michelle is wrestling and Maria is being an idiot. If I had a million dollars I'd do the same thing... but of course the girls wouldn't be standing around. I'd hire one girl to be my personal ball washer.
 
What?
 
Let's look over who got released.
 
Maven
Billy Kidman
Mark Jindrak
Gangrel
Akio
Shannon Moore
 
Shannon Moore, Akio and Kidman are Cruiserweights, so this shouldn't come as a shock. Kidman I'm surprised with because of Torrie. Makes me wonder if she's gonna quit because of this? Even if she probably makes more for doing much less. If she does quit, well I think the IWC needs to send Vince a thank you card. Torrie is the symbol of useless Diva. Melina has done more since coming on the screen then Torrie has done since the Invasion angle.
 
Gangrel I didn't even know was working with WWE. I figured he made that one appearance and that's all. I guess I was right.
 
Maven was a lost cause because he just couldn't stick with something. Had he joined Evolution though...
 
And finally Jindrak. When he became a smart-ass I thought he had something. He showed decent mic skills and I thought he could replace Raw as the arrogant dude. But like Sean Carless says, there is no money in Mark Jindrak, so I guess that's it.
 
So I will close with week three of my Diva Search coverage. I did vote sadly once. Know what's funny? People are actually clearing their cookies to vote many times. You know, like it matters...
 
 
 
 
 

Wednesday June 29 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 06/29/05 By Richard Waters  

More Divas News

So it seems over the next few months will be bombarded with the Diva Search. People bitch and complain that they are worthless, but to be honest so are the posts in every thread on this issue. Either everyone declares it a bathroom break or that WWE should be for wrestling and they'd watch porn if they wanted to see naked chicks. Anyways last week's column was a lot of fun, so I'm going to be the net's designated play by play man of the 2005 Raw Diva Search. I'll endure the pain of disecting the show and memorizing their names... yes so you don't have to.

The show hyped up the ladies to start and I saw one of the most hilarious visuals ever. Candice Michelle (yes I actually know her name...) was in the locker room area welcoming the contestants. What in the hell? What does she have to say to them? Is she some kind of veteran? Candice must be like the Diva version of the Undertaker. I'm sorry, but what did she have to say? Yeah, I didn't enter the contest and yet I'm a Diva... so you guys have this in the bag. Just don't piss off Randy Orton.

The segment kicked off as the eight finalists came to the ring with Coach and Christy to introduce themselves. Christy more or less acted as MC of the event and told them it could all end with Playboy covers and WrestleMania title shots. You forgot to bring up fondling foreign men, sitting in pie and ice cream, making gutterslut a household word and well pretty much doing nothing deserving of $250k.

And damn it you guys are gonna learn their fucking names.

Ashley kicked us off and I have to comment on her. She is the runner to win. They're making it too obvious. She comes out first, King keeps mentioning her name and the like. She seems like a Lita clone, you know if Lita was online a unique and diverse character. Chances are she's EVERY GIRL @ HOT TOPIC! Ashley has a serious identity crisis. During the promos she came off as a rocker/party girl, but during her 30 seconds I could have sworn she was talking in Gangsta tone. It wasn't "Where be Ebonics" bad but yeah. She's going to win. You heard it here first. You know as long as you don't read smark boards.

Simona the foreign swedish blonde type continued the trend by showing little charisma. She caught my attention because she had an incredible ass. I know that's a requirement, but man she gave Stacy and Trish a run for her money. Still though unless she remains bent over she won't get my vote. Except I kinda forgot the contest is sorta rigged... and she's hired anyway. Kiss your contract good-bye Tajiri.

Elisabeth has lost my vote. She seemed too generic in her speech. That and she was trying too hard to do those partish woos. Yeah. Victoria better start packing.

One of my favorites (to run over) was Summer. She has made my greatest fantasy a reality. Summer has come off as your typical high school popular chick... and I love it. The reason I love it is that she proves that outside of high school... you are nothing. She may have gotten everything there, but she totally lost it all with her bland personality and cliche body. That and her "it's summer time" was the lamest line I've ever heard. Odds are her friends and her made it up over a panties slumber party. Mmmm.
.. wait.

Kristal was the sane black chick, but I cannot properly comment on what she said. Not that I secretly memorize this crap, but her forehead was a little distracting. With a Sgt. Slaughter obstacle course next week... there's no way she's getting that fat head through the tire swing.

Cameron (the chick not Inferno) was the only white chick without blonde hair, but she was basically the same as the others. Boring. I mean I'd still have sex with her, but I certainly won't care much for her. But isn't that Jason Hart's way of life? I digress.

Leyla is completely finished. She had us going with her "no panties hehehehe" line because she got the TNA pop for that, but when she refused to strip down she got more heel heat then Lita. Why is she fucking shy? Makes about as much sense as Miss Jackie refusing to get in a lingerie match when she flashed the crowd weeks earlier. The winner HAS to pose in Playboy, so what's the use in being shy. You're so going nowhere... except Smackdown!. Half the cruiserweights will be working in TNA by Unforgiven.

And finally we come to the only girl who wasn't a clone of her other sisters, Alexis the token black chick. Now her get up made her seem like a true Diva, ya know a woman who thinks she's worth more then she is. I liked it. That and she seemed like a total bitch who'd kill them all. Better to show the audience now then to have the other gals turn on you because you're a total tool. Unlike Carmella she actually looks into it and has a personality. I like her, but have a feeling she'd probably bite off my penis. What a way to go, eh?

So there's your recap. Ashley is going to be 1/4 million richer, half the roster will be replaced with the others and Leyla still doesn't have any eyes. This has been the Conchairto of the week, your one stop source for your Diva Search needs.
 

Wednesday July 27 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 07/27/05 By Richard Waters  

Fixed...

So I check the site for an update or two and I see the OMC fucking updated. The hell? I start to get all cocky as if Sean likes my work so much that he felt I should be the first "regular" columnists to have a "Retro Rant"... but no go. Instead Sean took care of the Divas Crap while I was gone. Basically told you everything I planned on saying when I got back. Thanks man. Ya know for making me look bad. Nice.

If you don't check out the forum or ignored what Sean said last week, I was absent due to the Hurricane. The Friday after HBK's "heel" turn I left for Orlando. I didn't catch the first elimination because the hotel didn't have Spike TV. We came back Tuesday afternoon and we had power. Still couldn't do a column on nothing. Last week I took an extended vacation just for the hell of it. Ha ha I used you fuckers. But it's back to business. I'm going to continue... or restart my Divas coverage by talking about the eliminations thus far and conspiracy that everyone except those Diva Pyschos are aware of.

Diva Psychos: Idiots who pre-order the annual Divas Bikini Magz and DVDs. Anyone who has bought the Trish Stratus DVD without masturbation on their mind. Anyone who thinks Torrie Wilson is a good wrestler, serves a purpose or is the better out of her and Kidman.

So I hear that Alexis was cut first. Doesn't surprise me as I wanted her as top dog. Let's assume just for a second that the 'Search isn't rigged and all the votes matter. I'm not surprised because Joe A. Wrestling Fan is a sheep. He likes America and only finds lollypop chicks hot. Alexis is neither white... blonde or totally bland. She had to go. Besides her "fun bags" she had nothing to offer us. Ya know except a decent character and well diversity. Isn't there some kind of affirmative action clause? That's why Sharmell was hired...

Ah but the real scoop here is that Alexis had no chance of winning. Ya see she has a hardcore porn background. You'd think she'd get a little cred for not doing that fake Cinemax softcore "girl sits on guy's stomach" as Sean would say. But I digress. Alexis was cut because of her background and that was not a true elimination. Good thing I missed it. I hear the "competition" part of that day's episode was the ladies said something. All I remember from some replays was Ashley doing a monkey flip and Kristal painting. Yep.

Second eliminaton occured in Simona. Now this really shocked me. Simona was the postergirl for Diva. She was blonde and hot. She even had that foreign thingy going. I'd totally buy her as a Swedish girl. More so it shocked me that Summer made it past the first true elimination despite being the most boring person out there. And come on now "it's Summer time"... even my boner's going away.

The next competition wasn't even one. Basically that episode each of the girl's picked who they'd eliminate. Quite boring as they thought each other would make better MILLION DOLLAR models over 1/4 MILLION DOLLAR useless tool. Ouch. That's why this year sucks entertainment wise. What beats Cum Guzzling Gutterslut?!? They weren't even attacking each other. I hear Spike TV wanted none of that. I didn't realize THAT was the week's competition.

The latest elimination was Cameron, no not Inferno. She was eliminated because she wasn't blonde. Nuff said. Kristal isn't yeah, but she's going to the final three so the WWE doesn't appear racist. How else do you explain Booker pinning Christian. This peep will not be silenced.

So we finally get to the "competition" and it's a hot dog eating contest. I actually expected it to be reminiscence(sp) of the ice cream thing. I.e. each girl has 30 seconds to make love to a hotdog. I'm disappointed. Hot dogs suck. So Leyla won during overtime. Heh matches can end in double-count out, but hot dog eating contests must have a winner. She has immunity.

Here's what I'm thinking: Leyla will make it to the finals. She's in on it because of the nip slip and well she seems different. Ashley won because well they're pushing her down our throats. So next week either Summer or Elisabeth go. Summer stays for some reason though. I'm willing to bet.

Ya know what else? This contest is rigged in an even funnier way. During Raw you need to watch that "brady bunch" box they show where the eliminated contests have X's over their faces. Notice how they've been eliminating girls in order from the bottom right. I'm willing to bet it's gonna go in total order. How convenient is it that Ashley is the last one on the board?

Or maybe they readjusted it each week so that the eliminated ones are put on the bottom...



I've been befuddled recently. Yes the winner gets a job and all. What is this job? What in the blue hell are they being payed to do? Of all the hirees only Maria has found her niche. And the smarks actually dig her. None of these girls have anything in them (well besides... um) that makes me care. I'm begging for a Masterlock Challenge. $250,000 challenge. Oh that would be glorious.

Why am I still covering this crap?

Richard

 

 

Wednesday August 2 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 08/02/05 By Richard Waters  

Wrong Trade
 
No Divas coverage this week. I don't have much to say on this week's episode and I have something more important to talk about. More important then the Divas? Yeah ya know... wrestling.
 
I can't stand JBL. And to this day I cannot understand why he got a monster push, and continues to. At WrestleMania I assumed it was the beginning for the end for him. JBL had just finished a year on top and should have either been replaced or worked his way back up. Ya know like normal stars should. I can accept him giving Cena a proper rub at the PPV. But he still stays in the Main Event. How is this possible?
 
JBL is nor entertaining or funny. You people are idiots. JBL has done what HHH has done for six years... in six months. He has taken the same lame ass promo and made it boring. Why oh why is he still the top heel? Eddie Guerrero owns him in every capacity... Randy Orton is on the roster and so is Christian. Word on the street for you pathetic souls who bought the GAB was that JBL/Dave sucked ass. I love how Dave gets the blame for the shitty encounter. Ya know if you ignore the fact that JBL has never had a good match after the cage match vs. Eddie. None of his matches have reached over **... and his matches are only passable with crazy blood and gimmicks.
 
Yet we get a rematch. See I can understand that the "original plan" was for Hassan/Dave, but what's wrong with a face vs. face match? If Dave is so over as you say, why can't he handle the Dead Man? I guess I'm more pissed that Christian got shafted. Ya see Christian is a man who has truly battled the odds. He is a former Light Heavyweight champion. A man who has been booked like shit and still remains over and with a loyal following. The peeps can be heard and were when we outcheered him over Dave. The draft screwed Christian.
 
Assuming HHH is going to let others flourish in the main event, I think Christian and Jericho were in the wrong. Christian should have stayed on Raw for his feud with Cena as Jericho needed a true revival on SD!. Shit Jericho vs. Dave has some history. And he certainly did decent to carry the lug. Only now he's ya know... over.
 
What is Jericho's future with the company? Hasn't been booked the same since WMX8. He has his music and contract deal. I know he cleared it up, but WWE.com is all a hoax now. Christian has been WWE through and through. No commitments in other places and has been pretty healthy as far as injuries go. I can only remember him being out once since the Brood days. Christian is here to stay.
 
Why not reward a loyal follower as opposed to someone hinting at the Hollywood route?
 
Everyone wanted Jericho to get a push. He was overdue. But the thing is, at the end of the day Chris Jericho can be classified as a 3x World Heavyweight Champion. Jericho has been there before. What about Christian? Establish a new star who can work damn it!
 
Wouldn't it make sense to establish someone new who will succeed. The money feud was waiting in Cena vs. Christian. Christian was showing us he was SD! bound and we wanted the match. Jericho makes a great heel. I'm not dogging the man. This isn't new territory. Christian would have made a better choice though. Edge is busy with Hardy and Jericho is unsure where his heart is at, so why not push Christian?
 
Jericho/Cena has been done before. Christian could certainly carry Cena to a watchable-good match. He did it with Dave... something JBL could not. Oh yeah, Christian did it twice. When JBL was stinking up the joint, Christian was jobbing to Booker T. WHY? WHY FUCKING WHY? Is Booker T getting a push to the WHC title? Is Booker on the verge of retirement? Is Booker really going to get anything out of it? For fuck's sake.
 
I don't even have a problem with Christian in the midcard. I'm used to it. I don't want my stars pushed too fast. Have Christian strengthen the US title that needs it badly. Have him in feuds above midcard but below the ME and win them. Christian's problem is really being credible in the mark's eyes. He isn't viewed as a threat... just a pest. He has to earn credibility if he's to take over and the peeps are demanding it.
 
Why was his push stopped? Wasn't over enough? Can't perform? I want a reason damn it! I don't even want Brock Lesnar back anymore. If so, there's even less of a chance for Christian to main event. What I don't get is why are they teasing pushes and having him cut promos about being the man, and then making him look like a total bitch in the ring? It sickens me.
 
Give it time? The man should be HANDED the World Heavyweight Title... NOW! That's the only justice left in the business. Christian not having the title while Dave and Cena do is a fucking joke. If Brock gets the title before Christian even gets a true ME level push, I'm killing every member of the IWC. And I know you read the dirt sheets Vince. You were warned.
 

 

 

Wednesday August 17 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 08/17/05 By Richard Waters  
 
Shooting On Your Face

There has been a mass influx of superstar related DVDs released by WWE as of late. With the success of Road Warriors and soon to be Undertaker and Bret Hart, it has to get you wondering if we love this stuff. There are certain superstars who deserve a volume two of their release. One man was offered such a deal, but he declined. Rather then talk about his matches, which always broke **** mind you, he wants to talk about all of his career. He wants to give the insider point of view that everyone wants to hear. Everyone's favorite wrestling sensation, THE FLEA~! returns this time with his very only shoot interview. The One Man Conchairto brings you Shooting On Your Face: The Uncut, Unedited, Uncensored, Unproofread interview that is The Flea in his own words.

GET THE DVD THAT TELLS ALL... and then some!

This set contains exclusive wrestling footage from THE FLEA~!'s personal collection and can't be seen anywhere else. Not even the non-existent WWE 24/7 has these videos. With a killer soundtrack to boot, Shooting On Your Face is much more then your average shoot interview. Yeah because it's from a star who actually wasn't a mid-card joke!

In this candid interview THE FLEA explains how he got his big break in the business, his views on sex... politics... the IWC... certain Raw recappers having a girl's name and the SHOCKING TRUTH why he decided to end his career in the wrestling business shortly after breaking Ric Flair's Title record and entering himself into the Hall of Fame. It has to be seen to be believed.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL... you bet your ass!

DVD EXTRAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Interviews with Family & Friends: Unlike other DVDs, THE FLEA~! does not need references and people putting him over. Unlike other sets these interviews aren't mere tools to make him seem like he's something he's not. Everybody already knows he's the best. Listen as his two best friends Buena Girl and Ricochet give their thoughts and opinions on his elustrious career.

Tour of THE FLEA~!'s home: Inspired by various Confidential spots and the "hit" TV show Cribs on Music Television, THE FLEA~! takes us on a tour of his house. And unlike EVERY PERSON ON CRIBS, Flea is actually different. When the tour ends THE FLEA~! does not viciously kick you out of his house as if doing so is so unique and interesting...

Beavis & Butt-head Style Commentary: THE FLEA~! has decided to include his 10 favorite matches of all time that did not involve him, complete with audio commentary. Wrestling purist Harry Simon cites this set of Extras to be worth the price of the DVD alone... just for the commentary!

Never Before Seen WWE Try Out Match: Watch as THE FLEA~! embarassed Hulk Hogan back in 1985 during a routine sampling of his ability in front of Vince McMahon and co.

Photo Gallery: See all the photos THE FLEA~! has taken with legends and stars from the business. And unlike Matt Hardy, there is no ill will. THE FLEA~! does not plan on removing them from his non-existent site and whine about it. No need, THE FLEA~! = Ratings!

And Much More: Not really, but it's pretty much mandatory to include. Maybe the cover will be reversible or we'll include some pencil boards that you end up throwing away anyways. I'm sure they'll include something!

THE FLEA~!: Shooting On Your Face can be purchased for 3 easy payments of $19.95 and 1 fucking complicated payment...

THE FLEA~! accepts Paypal, Check, Money Orders, Cash, Credit, Debit, Chicken Nuggets and Everquest Accounts. Order yours today!!!

"I likes it!" - THE FLEA~!
 
 

Wednesday August 10 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 08/10/05 By Richard Waters  

Be Yourself

I figured the world would be ecstatic over the news on Raw. With the contest down to three there will not be an elimination next week. Instead they will just announce the winner. Makes sense as Summerslam will be that following Sunday. I figured they wanted to get them to interact with Trish, ya know heaven forbid we get a non-Heat feud without her. But then I started to think about their little skit things and how Ashley posted her "phone number", and considering my theory that she won after the original cuts... I assumed it was fake. But there was only one way to find out. So I called up Ashley and here's what happened. BTW if reading people's AIM conversations puts you to sleep, you might not wanna continue. Just saying.

*dials*

*rings*

Ash: Hey this is Ashley, your next Raw Diva. Thank you for calling me. You've probably been e-mailing me like crazy and that's why I gave out my number. Just had to make it more personal. Anyways hope you voted for me and ROCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Uh, hello?

Ash: Hehehe sorry that's my opening message. This is me now.

Me: Hey.

Ash: Hey you.

Me: So, what's up?

Ash: Oh nothing much. You?

Me: Yeah nothing much. Can I like ask you stuff? Ya know. Questions.

Ash: Sure go ahead. I'm here to please the WWE fans.

Me: So who are your favorite wrestlers?

Ash: Oh that's an easy one. I'm really a big fan of the Rock and Stone Cold and the Hulkster.

Me: Oh, you named all the mainstream people that even non-wrestling fans know...

Ash: Huh?

Me: Nothing. I went to your website.

Ash: Whatcha think?

Me: Errr, it got me thinking a lot. I read your bio and resume and all that stuff. And well it seems you're this model. But what strikes me as odd if you've been coming off as this punk rocker chick and all the other girls said you were faking this image.

Ash: Oh don't believe the HATERS! No seriously I love rock and roll and motorcycles. I'm a total rocker.

Me: Right. But still all your pictures before coming into the WWE show you wearing elegant dresses and bikinis. None of it shows you as a punk person. Is this really you? Don't you find it a bit ironic that you're acting like this when the theme to this contest is "be yourself".

Ash: Oh I love that song. Sound Garden is DA BOMB.

Me: Ummm actually it's Audioslave now. As a fan of rock and roll, shouldn't you know that?

Ash: I'm only joking. I'm training to be a wrestler, ya know.

Me: Assuming you lost the contest, which is way impossible I know, would you still try and wrestle in the indies?

Ash: You mean like unknown bands?

Me: Uh no. I mean other wrestling feds that aren't on TV. Ya know like ROH, TNA and New Japan.

Ash: Oh no way it's all about the WWE baby! My Dad was a wrestler.

Me: But if you're only interested in being in the WWE, why would you begin training before you got hired? What if you didn't? Then what was that training for?

Ash: Didn't ya see the monkey flip I did to Christy?

Me: No.

Ash: Oh. Missed a good one buddy.

Me: You might be good in the WWE to be honest. Christy Hemme doesn't really have a character or anything. Same with all the face Divas. Since you like to play rocker chicks, you have talent. I bet you could play a good Heel diva if given the right story.

Ash: Heel Diva?

Me: Ya know, a bad Diva.

Ash: The girls in the WWE are inspirations to me. None of them are bad.

Me: You don't understand...

Ash: Hey are you one of those Interweb Guys that complain about all the stuff?

Me: No...

Ash: Well you can't judge the girls because you've never met them. Believe me they are all good Divas.

Me: Have you met Randy Orton?

Ash: Who?

Me: Better watch your bag.

Ash: Yeah there was this guy that said he was gonna welcome me to the locker room and borrowed it for a while. I feel bad because I didn't know who he was...

Me: You have been saying it's all about the fans and you got here because of us. Is that true or are you just saying that?

Ash: All true.

Me: Okay then. How about a date? Ya know relations.

Ash: Ummm I don't think so. I don't even know you.

Me: But I voted for you...

Ash: And I thank you for that. In return I'm going to do my best as your next Raw Diva.

Me: Not seriously. I live near a Sonics. I can take ya for a shake.

Ash: That's sweet, but I can't.

Me: Then can I at least wear you like a puppet?

*click*

So it seems this is going to be our last installment of the OMC Diva Coverage. It's been fun to say the least. I hope you enjoyed this little mini-series I had going. Next week marks season 3 of the One Man Conchairto. What to expect? Increased Rey bashing, more satirical pieces features THE FLEA~! and maybe even nudey pictures. Gotta draw ya in somehow right? And with that newbie coming in from TWF's Satire Search, I've gotta work harder then ever to defend my position since James and Cameron are really making a name for themselves. But knowing that I'm probably gonna have to put the winner over...
 

Wednesday August 24 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 08/24/05 By Richard Waters  
What A Rush

So this not-so smark smark at work the other day found out I was a wrestling fan. From that moment on he decided to be my "friend" and attack me with wrestling talk. He even insisted I borrow his Road Warriors DVD. He's a big fan. I knew of them, but not much. I remember their brief stint in WWE, but that's about it.

I have viewed other superstar compilations before (Flair, HBK, Foley) but this was a little different. Rather then Animal just introducing matches it was basically a bio with matches as extras. Now if you're interested in learning about them I'd give it a whirl, otherwise I cannot vouch for this tape.

We start with the 90-min documentary showing us the LOD members growing up. Turns out they were meatheads who spent a lot of time in the gym. I found this really weird as the Road Warriors are big goldenboys among the IWC, and yet Chris Masters gets shitted on. We then visit them through their historic rivals with that of the Horsemen, Freebirds and the Midnight Express. The big point everyone wanted to make was that the LOD had won every major tag title, which I find strange. They consider the big ones to be NWA, AWA, WCW, WWE. ECW wasn't even considered. I always think of the big three as those. When I think of AWA now I think of a lame indy fed. Well I guess you can blame EricExtreme of TWF forum for that one.

Also another problem I had with the history of the 'Warriors is that they are trying to sell themselves as the first tweener wrestlers. "Yeah grrr we were mean and tough. We were the bad guys, but we were the first guys to get cheered for it." I wanna call bullshit on that one. Everyone today seems to wanna take credit for being the original bad guy who got cheered. Nash, NWO, Austin, Rock etc. all make claim to making bad good first.

For some reason to me this DVD seems more like propoganda then anything. There is a chock full of matches, but none really go over 15 minutes. I did learn a few things because of this set though. Apparently in the old NWA days, going over the top rope resulted in a DQ. I guess that explains Ric Flair's little rope spot. That or I'm just a moron.

All of the matches on this set (with maybe one or two exceptions being the top rope DQ) result in the LOD winning their matches. I don't really like that because to me that feels like they're trying to beat into my head that the LOD was teh bestest in teh evar!!111!!. Maybe they were, but that really ruins it for relative newbies like myself.

Matches I will recommend though...

* Starrcade (29/11/87) NWA Tag Team Championship vs. Tully Blanchard & Arn Anderson - I just had fun watching this match. Makes me wonder if a 4 Horsemen set would interest me...

* Superclash (28/09/85) AWA World Tag Team Title Match vs. The Fabulous Freebirds - Freebirds got screwed!

* New Orleans (29/10/88) NWA World Tag Team Championship vs. Midnight Express - Much better then that Scaffold(sp) match...

* Wrestlefest (12/03/91) vs. Hart Foundation - Awesome, awesome bout. Best match on the DVD.

Despite my negative feedback on the historic aspect and the matches chosen, this was a fun little set to watch. If you're new to wrestling (only been a fan since 98... sadly I'm an attitude era follower...) and want to look into history a bit and don't have the attention span for a Flair/Steamboat 60-min match, then this set is definitley for you.

I recommend you borrow it from a friend.
 
 

Wednesday August 31 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 08/31/05 By Richard Waters  
 
All I Ask

Presenting the only column to get a hidden plug during the Edge/Matt Hardy Street Fight... yes it's the One Man Conchairto. </BLFK intro>

Something has been bothering me for a while and I got motivated last week when I wrote about the tweener team that was LOD. When it comes to wrestlers we either love them or hate them... or we think they're okay. But more or less in this business stars either want us to cheer them or boo them. It's the heel/face dynamic. As smarks it's really hard for me to distinguish the two. It's no secret that smarks enjoy the heels more so. "Oh yeah I mostly cheer the heels. SO ORIGINAL!!!!!!!!!!!" But at the same time they have bogus argument. "so and so gets X-pac heat and gets booed because we hate the individual. We don't want them on our TV." WTF? That's not "cheap heat"... he's a super heel. A heel that even the smarks won't like. Idiots.

My real annoyance comes in that character development isn't really WWE's strong point anymore. I blame Rock, Austin and the NWO. They RUINED~! the face mold. Now I'll admit that seeing a family man smile and kiss his wife like say Ricky Steamboat would've done wouldn't suit well with me. Those babyface times are over, but faces should not break the rules. Rock and the like did this as heels, got cheered, and did so again as a face. I think that's what has ruined Orton. Why doesn't the powers that be just keep them heel? That's why we cheered them in the first place. Turning them face means they have to acknowledge us and that goes against everything they stand for.

But at the same time I'm beginning to think the era of the babyface is deader then Lita's baby. The only faces that get cheered nowadays seems to be the tweeners, and they're really just heels in disguise. And when you look at the current roster all the faces that don't act like heels... get basically no reaction and are more dull then PWinsider. Heels are the only people who get any depth, good mic time, etc. Also it seems like the women's division, Vince has no interest in bringing up any faces. Think of all the newest talent to emerge.

Hassan: Man who feels he was held back just because he was of Arab descent.
Dupree: French Phenom.
Masters: Man who thinks he's a work of art.
Kennedy: Announcer type guy.
Jindrak: Loves himself.
Conway: See Jindrak.
Morgan: Stuttering giant.
etc.

What babyfaces have debuted in the last few years? Come on.

Eugene.

And he's getting booed every match he has lately. You cannot have a fed with only heels. It doesn't work that way. It's getting so boring watching these formulaic(sp) angles. We get the promos, squashes 2-3 face jobbers because everyone else is a heel, then eventually gets buried because they suck too bad. It's so easy to be a heel. All you have to do is talk smack and pose a little. It takes a real master to be a face, least one that doesn't suck balls. Orton will not be as great as everyone says. The man CANNOT play face. Yes he's an excellent heel, but you can only do so much heel stuff before it gets old. FAST.

Ric Flair always teases a face turn. Why doesn't he ever go? Because WWE knows Flair as great as he is cannot play a decent face. He'd still get a good reaction because he gets face pops as a heel, but his work revolves around a heel and a heel he shall stay. Basically what I'm asking of Vince is to give us some babyfaces. There are plenty of heels and some have a lot of potential, but being great hardly matters when there's no one for you to prove it to. Who are the faces on Raw? HBK, Hardy, Cena?

The heel roster is too packed. They either need to mix it up a bit or at least liven up the heel mold. Every fucking heel is the same. Every heel is cocky and arrogant. That can get so boring and can't be used as a buzzword to describe them when EVERY heel is smug. It gets irritating because they all follow the same formula, especially if they're young and green.

Rock and Austin could play face. That's really what separates them from the average joe. They knew how to work both roles. Vince wants to find another money machine and develop the next Rock. It's a proven fact that ANYONE can play a heel. That shouldn't be a problem. Find someone who can play face and turn them when the time is right. Then and only then will you have an idea where your next Rock is. Find him Vince. That's all I ask.
 

 
 
The One Man Conchairto 09/07/05 By Richard Waters  
 
WTF?

Back during the Attitude Era when I first got into wrestling there was just something special about the PPVs. They just screamed buy. For some reason they made each show must have for me. And I did just that. It wasn't anything special, especially workrate wise. I just loved that stuff and continued to buy. Now, not so much.

Take the now-classic Lita/Trish feud revived for 04/05. You had Trish bad mouthing Lita for months about her pregnancy and all this. Lita finally gets her shot at the title and blows it on a 2-minute DQ finish at the big Survivor Series PPV. We get a proper rematch in the Raw main event with a PPV quality encounter.

WHAT?

Now moving onto Edge/Matt. Everyone knows the story about Matt bitching on his site and getting fired over it. Fans chanted for him and he was rehired so to speak. And the whole purpose was for a match with Edge. Gets it at Summerslam. In what we were expecting to be a blood bath ended in 10 minutes with Matt basically being a total bitch. A few weeks later we are treated to a great street fight. The ending aside it was an excellent match. It was the match that should have happened at the PPV.

WHAT?

The PPVs are must have TV. You hafta make me want to order it out of fear of missing something. I don't get the point anywhere. Half the time when we get a new opponent for the champ, it doesn't end at the PPV. DQ finishes aren't exactly uncommon and always always result in a rematch. And it seems we're treated to shitty PPV matches and then they give the matches we paid for on free TV. What gives?

There is no competition as of right now. Vince isn't trying per se, so I don't understand. WCW did this during the wars. They gave away Hogan/Buttberg for free. They needed ratings. Sure they could've made millions if they held off until the PPV, but it was a war and anything went. Now what's your excuse Vince? Why in the blue hell should I shell out $35 to see a crappy match when I can get a better one for free?

I'm not saying see good matches on TV are bad. As a fan who doesn't usually order the PPVs it's a treat. It proves that the show is actual entertainment and not the actual 2-hour infomercial it sells itself as. But from a business standpoint wrestling has always been about making money. If you want to make money, wouldn't it be smart to convince me to shell out cash.

Tell ya one thing. If THE FLEA~! was running the show none of this would be a problem.

 
 

Wednesday September 14 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 09/14/05 By Richard Waters  
 
Stone Cold Was Right

I have been watching wrestling since the Summer of 1998. I have been a big fan. Spent plenty of money... well not really, donated several years of my life to Vince's grapefruits and even labeled myself a member of the IWC. What do I have to show for it?

I start to "outgrow" wrestling if you will after Mania X8. I checked results from Raw and PPVs, but never cared much to watch the program. I think it's similar to the people who boycott Smackdown! yet spam up spoiler threads with the results. I was still interested, but not so much where I'd actually devote time and energy into the actual product.

I got back into the mix around the end of 2002 with the Elimination Chamber. I vaguely remember the early parts of 2003 and wondering when Brock would lose the title. Around Vengeance I became a fan again. I tuned in every week and downloaded matches I had missed from months gone by.

2004 I say I officially became a smark. The dirt sheets and spoilers were a part of my life. I became somewhat cynical and started to talk down to the casuals. But one thing I never had trouble doing is defending the product. I was always one of those individuals who cited a "love it or leave it" attitude.

Yet as I watched this past week's episodes of Raw and SD! I have to wonder why I watch the sport. Nothing really happens anymore. Like I said last week the PPVs don't draw me in. They rarely seem to have a match or storyline that really interest me or anyone else for that matter. I used to anticipate watching Raw mere minutes after it went off the air. Only good part about Sundays were that Raw was tomorrow. This week on Raw I realized something that people have been trying to tell me... WWE sucks.

It's actually boring. I've tried to defend Cena. I've tried to justify what I watch. But I can't. Seeing Cade and Murdoch put me to sleep. The main event is hardly worth staying up for. As I sit and watch I realize that if I were to turn the TV off and continue with my Inuyasha game... life would go on. My future wouldn't depend on what happened between Cena and Angle. Wrestling is just dull at this point in time.

It's not in a slump like after Hogan left, as they say. It's not that wrestling isn't popular or "in" like in 1998. I don't need people telling me something is entertaining to think so. Right now wrestling is just shit. I want TNA to grow big. Maybe then Vince will wise up and do something exciting again. I'm not saying I'm gonna stop watching. But I think I'm starting to not care.

Hey if WWE doesn't care, why should I? Crappy product and a crappy column. With Renee hiding in the mountains of Ohio, Cameron no-showing his Recapper duties, our new guy nowhere in sight... there's no competition for me. Sean quit his writing duties and Harry/White Vans are so above me that it's not even funny. If I had this attitude for another month I probably wouldn't even be allowed to have a column. Why does Vince get to have a federation?

 

 

Thursday September 22 2005 12:00AM

The One Man Conchairto 09/22/05 By Richard Waters  
 
Push Meh

I was reflecting back on the column I wrote about how the creative only seems to bring in heels lately. It got me thinking. And I really think this only concerns us in the IWC. When the likes of Undertaker, HBK and HHH go head-to-head with someone we constantly berate the program. Since all three men have a habit of playing politics and not putting people over via clean loss, it comes natural. But the weird thing is if they don't win, be bitch because they need these wins to establish credibility.

Huh?

Why is it believeable that a punk rookie can beat a veteran? I can understand a fluke win such as when Rookie Cena pre-rap gimmick defeated Jericho. But when the likes of Luther Reigns are going with Undertaker... how is it legit?

Take us to Chris Masters. As the IWC's 1st Masterlock Mark I have been keeping my eye on the kid (funny since he's 1-2 years older then me) for a while now. I enjoyed the ML Challenges and thought he had a thing going. In fact the Masterlock as foolish as we called it at first, seemed to go over with the crowd. People brought signs claiming to have the key and even were gullible enough to think he'd pick them. But why was his program with Show cut off and then he went right for HBK? Did Shawn NEED... no crave a win over a hot thing so bad because of Hogan? Masters wasn't anywhere near the ME feuds yet. Big Show is a jobber to the stars, so it was understandable. Plus witnessing the challenge on Show kinda drew me in. The thing is... NO ONE bitched when HBK won. What about Master's cred? No one seems to give a damn. Why is it different when someone you want to be pushed gets the same treatment? Basically Masters is kinda dead. His finisher was defeated by a skinny man who probably never went to the gym before. I just don't get it. If he wasn't gonna win... he shouldn't have feuded with Michaels.

Stars nowadays have it too easy. There used to be a time when they would debut as jobbers. Remember when Cena first came in? They booked him to give Angle his all. Then he went through various feuds with the top stars like Eddie, Taker and Angle again... and never once did he win. Yet his credibility wasn't taken away. The fact is Cena has no business going over anyone at that point in time. I'm getting a little tired of kids debuting and defeating veterans like it's nothing just to get them "over"... which
 is funny because they aren't.

MNM and the new Murdoch team... wins the titles their first shot. I understand that the tag divisions are watered down... but COME ON. Why is it that the likes of Tajiri and Rhyno could never defeat fucking La Rez who jobbed to EVERYBODY but these newbies come in one night and do it all? Makes no sense to me.

Wrestling does frustrate me a lot, but one thing I've always felt was true was that we're supposed to pay our dues. Spending 6 months in OVW does not count. Bleh.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).