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WWE NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTION
(01/07/07)
By
James Walker
 
Hey there, kids! How were your holidays? Did you get all that you asked Santa for? Did you have a good new years? Do you have a sister/daughter who is innocent and likes candy? I hope so! It’s been a while, but I’m back tonight with some recap or something. I really just plan on making a bunch of crude & inappropriate jokes for the 4000 words, and somehow loosely correlating this to a bunch of guys pretending to hurt each other. Oh, and before we begin, I’d like to thank my favourite African-Muslim-British cohort, Joe Merrick, for subbing in for me with the Armageddon Rant. I was busy hiding in a bomb shelter; I didn’t realize that they didn’t mean “Armageddon” literally.
 
Anywho, tonight, its New Year’s Revolution! STRIKE DOWN THE OPPRESSIVE FORCES OF LOGIC! BURN THE FORTRESSES OF SMART BOOKING! IT’S TIME TO LET THE ERA OF RETARDS REIGN SUPREME! DEATH TO SADDAM!
 
Jeff Hardy VS Johnny Nitro w/Melina, IC Title, Steel Cage
 
Quick fact: “Johnny Nitro” is an anagram for “JOHN IN NO TRY”, and “HORNY INN JOT”. Why bother coming up with my own jokes when Mr. & Mrs. Nitro do it for me?
 
Anywho, nice opener here. As an aside, I have to say that the WWE has smartened up since Hardy’s last WWE run, in that they’re pairing him up against guys who are similar to him in style. (Where as before, we’d see the guy have 4-minute shmozzfests with Big Show and Albert. Seriously, if I had to job to those guys regularly, I’d have gotten addicted to coke as well.)
 
Finally, the WWE decided that having the door escape option was ridiculous, so this match can be won by escape over the top, pinfall, or submission. However, nothing says “I HATE YOU” quite like running away. I’m serious, it works – women do it to me all the time.
 
Oh, yeah, there’s a match. Typical affair you’ve come to expect from these guys – kind of spot heavy, with Nitro pacing the match. There were a couple of cool spots, such as Hardy dropkicking Nitro off the cage wall, from the turnbuckle, and a top rope Russian leg sweep. Finally, that last move actually hurt both men equally. I mean, seriously, if two cars are going to get in a head-on collision, the guy who’s listening to “MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY, GET OUT THE WAY BITCH GET OUT THE WAY” is still gonna die.
 
Hardy lands the Swanton, but Nitro got his foot on the ropes. I’ll never understand why announcers are split as to whether this is good ring awareness, or taking the easy way out. Then again, Jerry Lawler can never decide if visiting playgrounds is good victim awareness, or taking the easy way out either, so it’s par for the course really.
 
Finish sees Nitro climb over, but Jeff somehow dropkicks the door open, (Thus proving he’s far stronger than Mark Henry), and Nitro crotches himself on it. Jeff then escapes through the door for the win.
 
Winner and still IC Champion: Jeff Hardy
 
Therefore, I guess that Johnny Nitro “door crashes” all his ‘Hollywood a-list parties’. Ha ha. I’m funny!
 
Tag Team Turmoil Match
 
Wait; when the fuck did they announce this? I’m sure they just screwed themselves out of... 4 buys. (While I’m sure Cade & Murdoch’s folks would buy it, Cryme Tyme’s parents would obviously steal it.)
 
Anywho, yeah, this is a gauntlet match. You know that saying: “throw down the gauntlet”? Well, after all these years of watching WWE programming, I strongly believe this means you want to fight someone in a convoluted mess that no one truly understands the reasoning to begin with. Oh, I also believe this from watching CNN.
 
So, it’s Haas & Benjamin against the Highlanders to start us off. Heatastic action ensues, without any heat. Blah blah, back suplex, blah blah, chin lock, blah blah, face in peril, yadda yadda yadda. Shelton gets the pin on the Scottish one after a superplex. When’s the last time you saw someone get a pinfall from that?
 
Eliminated: The Highlanders
New Opponents: Jim Duggan & Super Crazy?
 
SUPER HACKS!
 
The guys try to build to a hot tag for Crazy, but alas, it doesn’t have any believability when you have 1:20. Anywho, Haas hits a big german (not this) on Crazy (because Jim Duggan needs to be protected) for the pinfall.
 
Eliminated: UEsse
New Opponents: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch
 
All right, see, here’s the problem. Haas & Benjamin have been playing the heels for the last 8 minutes, but now, the bookers expect that the fans will now cheer for them as they face the more heelish rednecks. This would be like turning an active Shawn Michaels to face off against an inactive Hulk Hogan. .. Oh. Never mind.
 
JR Quote: “He’s like a one legged man in a fist fight!”
 
Haas gets the room temperature tag, cleans house (Jackie Gayda just had a baby, what do you expect?), and has Murdoch in the Haas of Pain, but HBCade drops an elbow from the top for the win. Sounds impossible, but it looked good.
 
Eliminated: The World’s (Not Quite) Greatest Tag Team
New Opponents: Cryme Tyme
 
Call me crazy, but JTG reminds me a lot of D’Lo Brown. He even has the cool vest to go along with it! Man, I miss D’Lo. The way he shook his head always made me laugh, and if weren’t for the fact that he broke Droz’s neck, he’d have gotten somewhere. I remember once, he was cutting on the British Bulldog, saying he was the best European champion of all time (which is like saying you’re the best bronze medalist ever, but I digress), and the interviewer sneezed, and D’Lo had the presence of mind to hand him a towel. For the record: These teams interest me so much, I feel necessary to talk about a mid-card guy who was fired 4 years ago.
 
Anywho, JTG takes the high/low, but rolls (with all his Negros in a Cadillac Escalade, no doubt) to the outside. Shad Gaspard (is it just me, or does this name make you think he’s constantly out of breath?) gets the tag eventually, dodges a double-team, and land the Samoan Drop/Flipping Neck breaker (Or as I like to call it, the “G-Uneck”) for the win, and a future title shot.
 
Winners: YES YES YALL. TO THE BEAT YALL.
 
Backstage, Vince pushes forth this Donald Trump angle. I can just see this feud culminating in a hair VS hair match, and instead of a razor, they just use a noogie. Vince quasi books Donald Trump VS Rosie O’Donnell for next Monday. Is it just me, or is Raw slowly turning into Celebrity Death Match? Somehow, this segues into Ron Simmons saying DAMN. WWE humour: Where the laughs never start!
 
King: “DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP MAINSTREAM PUBLICITY DONALD TRUMP!” (I paraphrased)
 
Kenny Dykstra VS Ric Flair
 
Only in the WWE is a 20 year old allowed to beat up a 57 year old. I tried it the other day, but all I got was an ass kicking.
 
Decent, but uninspired match takes place. I like Ric as much as the next guy, but I’d rather see him in matches against bigger names, simply because the crowd gets into them more. I also like Kenny, but I’m jealous about the fact that he’s engaged to Mickie James (Mickie Dykstra? THAT should have been her original WWE name.)
 
Anyways, the story of the match here is that Ric is trying to get Kenny to respect him, and Kenny ain’t havin’ none of that, old-timer. Honestly, I don’t have much to say on this match: Kenny did all the hard bumping, as you’d expect, Flair worked the leg, but in the end, the ref got distracted, and Kenny landed a low blow and a roll up for the win.
 
Winner: Kenny Doane’t Even Think About Making a Joke About My Last Name
 
Backstage, Nitro shrinks his penis with an ice pack. Melina is seen in the corner, shrugging her shoulders, and reaching for a vibrator. Well, replace “Melina” with “Victoria”, and “for a vibrator” with “For Melina’s help later tonight”, and you’ve got the real thing. But my version is more realistic.
 
Mickie James VS Victoria, Women’s Championship
 
These two girls should make a super-team, and like Edge & Orton, they could have a poorly edited theme. She ain’t the lady mess with, CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. ROHbots would love that shit.
 
Solid women’s match takes place *. The two ladies chain wrestle a little bit, with neither one coming out on top *. Victoria avoids injury *. Mickie slowly builds back momentum *, and looks to finish things off *, but Victoria continues *. Melina runs out to get into the action *, and as she was looking to end the match, she pulls Mickie down *. All the other divas run out *, and Mickie finishes things off *.
 
Winner and still Women’s Champion: Mickie James *
 
*= in my pants!
 
Rated RKO RLY VS D><, Tag T3am Titles, lolz.
 
You know, considering the arena they’re in (the Kansas City Kemper Arena), I’m glad Shawn didn’t insist on the Wrestlemania 12 entrance…
 
Anywho, before the match, Hunter gets on the mic, and likens themselves to mini-wheats again. I, however, personally believe that they’re more like 100% All Blah.
 
Before Edge & Orton make it to the ring, DX swarms like a really small pack of really large bees. However, it’s just mindless brawling… for the next 6 minutes. Despite the fact that they’re just running through the motions right now, HBK is quite obviously calling many audibles, like “Cornet Spot” during the match. This would be like going into Schindler’s list, and Spielberg saying “NOW THIS JEW IS GONNA DIE K?”
 
At some point, Orton got busted open, and it only got worse throughout this match. Somewhere, JBL is in a hotel room screaming “BLEED, ROOKIE! BLEEEEED!” Things continue as status quo, until Edge spears HBK off the apron. HBK basically gets double-teamed, until he gives HH the hot tag. Hunter gives Orton a spinebuster, and apparently tweaks his leg. Hunter is clearly hurt, as he’s having a hard time walking, and botches an RKO bump badly.
 
Sean: Clearly Hunter was so intimidated by VKM's million dollar challenge~! that his legs just gave out
James:  I don't think you're a true member of the McMahon family until you've torn your quads
Sean: well, it's Steph's turn
Sean: i'll accept her becoming a Quad as well
Sean: i'm not picky
James:  I volunteer to run her over in a quad. Does that count?
Sean: sounds fine to me
Sean: like I said, I'm not picky
James:  Apparently, God is. He's getting hunter back for not subbing in for him last year.
Sean: clearly Nash, HHH, Vince & Droz need to form a stable
Sean: QUADS
James: I insist they make an entrance with Steve Austin: Raw Sheriff.
 
From here, the match just loses all focus. Everyone involved (including the crowd) is obviously paying more attention to Hunter’s gibbled leg, but to Hunter’s credit, he muscles through and does try to work the match. However, Orton COMPLETELY whiffs on a chair shot, which is sold anyways. Oh, by the way, this match has completely broken down now, and it’s clear that it’s some sort of DDQ.
 
Result: No Contest
 
Orton is gushing blood like Mt. St Helen’s, and then Hunter pedigrees Edge through an announce table while HBK drops the elbow through the other on Orton. Entertaining match, but for wrong reasons. Kudos to HBK for saving this match from going all the way to hell. For Orton? RIBBON FOR PARTICIPATION!
 
THE GRISH is backstage with Cena, and John cuts a pretty good promo. Now if only he’d cut Grisham...
 
Carlito w/A Bitch w/Chloe VS Chris Masters
 
Carlito’s hair seems to be growing exponentially now, ever since he hooked up with Torrie. I’m thinking that’s where she hides her pubic hair.
 
You know, back when these two were teaming, we here at TWF cleverly called them “Green Apples”. It’s only now that I realize we should have called them “Apple Juice”.
 
All right, so it’s a Carlito match. You know what that means: boring boring boring rest hold SPRINGBOARD FLIPPY DIPPY strikes strikes finish. For the life of me, I’ll never figure out the benefit of a DOUBLE springboard. I’d understand if he got a respectable amount of results, but to me, it just seems like an unnecessary amount of risk that usually ends up in a botched attack. Kind of like the war in Iraq, am I rite?!
 
Anywho, Carlito manages to avoid the masterlock, but still ends up being pinned. High five!
 
Winner: Chris Masters
 
JAWWWN CEENUH VS Oooh, Chavo  Maga, w/ Estrada, WWE World Heavyweight Championship Title Or Whatever The Fuck They Call It Now
 
All right. I haven’t watch much wrestling recently, so most of what I’ve seen here tonight has been hyped up by the internet. And, for me, the build for this match is all based on a little image WWE.com had running on the front page, in a little corner. It had John Cena and Umaga staring each other down, with a thought bubble coming off Umaga, where he was thinking “UMAGA WANT CENA T-SHIRT SOOO BAD!”. I’d have taken a screenshot of this, but by the time I thought about it (right now), they’d taken it down. Either that or I’m just lazy.
 
Anyways, so I hope you all can appreciate that for me, this match is built ENTIRELY on Cena’s refusal to listen to Umaga’s simple requests. Well, to this, I say NO MORE! John Cena, you sir, have masked the underclothed nation of Samoa as a country full of wild savages with your hip-hoppery and bling-blingness for too long! I WILL NOT STAND for this unfair and unethical portrayal of the kind people of the South Pacific anymore! Have YOU ever had to boil explorers in oversized cauldrons to feed your family? Have YOU ever had to headbutt a tree down to make a fire to keep warm? See John Cena, you do not know what it’s like to walk a mile in a Samoan’s naked footsteps. John Cena, you are the most racist black man I’ve ever known.
 
So, get this. For the first time I can remember since Cena turned face in late 2003, his opponent controlled the far majority of this match. It seems that superman found his kryptonite, in the form of simple spears and voodoo chants. If only Lex Luthor would have ditched all his diabolical schemes and armed himself with Papa Shango and Tony Atlas, he’d have been able to rule the world. Oh well!
 
Cute thing about this match: Cena can’t pick Umaga up for an FU, despite the fact he’s given it to guys like Rikishi, Albert, and even Big Show, who are all bigger than Umaga. That’s like Tiger Woods saying “I can’t make this 3 foot putt, but watch me create nuclear fission with orange juice concentrate and bleach!”
 
Ok, so. Cena continually builds momentum, but as soon as he tries to out power Umaga, he fails. That is, until Cena lands the protoplex, and 5 knuckle shuffle. However, the FU attempt fails again, and Umaga sends Cena in the corner. However, Cena hustles up, and rolls Umaga up for the 3 count. The match wasn’t as bad as it sounds.
 
Winner and still WWE Champion: John Cena
 
Show Highlight: Hardy VS Nitro was good. You know, this MNM/Hardys feud is about the only thing that’s a serious draw for me right now, and it’s because they put out matches like this. Sure, they’re not the most psychologically sound, but they’re fun and always different. These four could feud for a year, and you would hear me complaining.
 
HOWEVER, with that said, I’m actually going to give it to HHH’s injury. Now, before you get on my for HHHating, let it be known that I respect the guy a whole hell of a lot, and even more so for toughing it out tonight and doing the best he could. However, this opens up many possibilities for Wrestlemania, because another Cena/HHH match just might make me stop vomit a little. Tack on the fact that DX is obviously stale, and this just freshens things up a lot. Incase you don’t know, it was the other quad that Hunter injured, so at least it’s not a repeat injury, and we should be getting some U2 hype videos by the end of the year.
 
Show Lowlight: Randy Orton COMPLETELY whiffing on his accidental (ch)air shot on Edge. That’s an early contender for blooper of the year. Once HHH went down, Orton looked completely lost in the ring tonight.
 
Overall Show Thoughts: Solid offering here. See WWE? This is what good build for a PPV will do. None of your matches were amazing, but because they all (bar the tag turmoil match) had a decent amount of heat towards them, the show was that much better. All the matches had a simple story behind them, and they all worked. It’s when you have convoluted shit or no build that your PPVs suck. I might be going a little easy on them tonight, but this is a throwaway PPV, and they put more effort into it than some of their recent offerings. On a whole, I’m going to give this PPV a thumbs up, simply because I didn’t feel totally ripped off.

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO JAMES WALKER
 
James Walker is pretty much the best thing ever. I mean, sure, there's been Terminator, grilled cheese sandwiches, and naked women storms, but TWF's resident comic relief takes the cake. Seriously, he actually goes to children's birthday parties and grabs it just as it's being brought out. Never the less, a proud owner of a Golden Tenay and an incredibly large penis, James Walker strives for one thing in life: RACIAL EQUALITY, NIGGUH.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).