Hey there, kids! How were your holidays? Did you get all that you asked Santa for? Did
you have a good new years? Do you have a sister/daughter who is innocent and likes candy? I hope so! It’s been a while,
but I’m back tonight with some recap or something. I really just plan on making a bunch of crude & inappropriate
jokes for the 4000 words, and somehow loosely correlating this to a bunch of guys pretending to hurt each other. Oh, and before
we begin, I’d like to thank my favourite African-Muslim-British cohort, Joe Merrick, for subbing in for me with the
Armageddon Rant. I was busy hiding in a bomb shelter; I didn’t realize that they didn’t mean “Armageddon”
Anywho, tonight, its New Year’s Revolution! STRIKE DOWN THE OPPRESSIVE FORCES OF
LOGIC! BURN THE FORTRESSES OF SMART BOOKING! IT’S TIME TO LET THE ERA OF RETARDS REIGN SUPREME! DEATH TO SADDAM!
Jeff Hardy VS Johnny Nitro w/Melina, IC Title, Steel Cage
Quick fact: “Johnny Nitro” is an anagram for “JOHN IN NO TRY”,
and “HORNY INN JOT”. Why bother coming up with my own jokes when Mr. & Mrs. Nitro do it for me?
Anywho, nice opener here. As an aside, I have to say that the WWE has smartened up since
Hardy’s last WWE run, in that they’re pairing him up against guys who are similar to him in style. (Where as before,
we’d see the guy have 4-minute shmozzfests with Big Show and Albert. Seriously, if I had to job to those guys regularly,
I’d have gotten addicted to coke as well.)
Finally, the WWE decided that having the door escape option was ridiculous, so this match
can be won by escape over the top, pinfall, or submission. However, nothing says “I HATE YOU” quite like running
away. I’m serious, it works – women do it to me all the time.
Oh, yeah, there’s a match. Typical affair you’ve come to expect from these
guys – kind of spot heavy, with Nitro pacing the match. There were a couple of cool spots, such as Hardy dropkicking
Nitro off the cage wall, from the turnbuckle, and a top rope Russian leg sweep. Finally, that last move actually hurt both
men equally. I mean, seriously, if two cars are going to get in a head-on collision, the guy who’s listening to “MOVE
BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY, GET OUT THE WAY BITCH GET OUT THE WAY” is still gonna die.
Hardy lands the Swanton, but Nitro got his foot on the ropes. I’ll never understand
why announcers are split as to whether this is good ring awareness, or taking the easy way out. Then again, Jerry Lawler can
never decide if visiting playgrounds is good victim awareness, or taking the easy way out either, so it’s par for the
Finish sees Nitro climb over, but Jeff somehow dropkicks the door open, (Thus proving
he’s far stronger than Mark Henry), and Nitro crotches himself on it. Jeff then escapes through the door for the win.
Winner and still IC Champion: Jeff Hardy
Therefore, I guess that Johnny Nitro “door crashes” all his ‘Hollywood
a-list parties’. Ha ha. I’m funny!
Tag Team Turmoil Match
Wait; when the fuck did they announce this? I’m sure they just screwed themselves
out of... 4 buys. (While I’m sure Cade & Murdoch’s folks would buy it, Cryme Tyme’s parents would obviously
Anywho, yeah, this is a gauntlet match. You know that saying: “throw down the gauntlet”?
Well, after all these years of watching WWE programming, I strongly believe this means you want to fight someone in a convoluted
mess that no one truly understands the reasoning to begin with. Oh, I also believe this from watching CNN.
So, it’s Haas & Benjamin against the Highlanders to start us off. Heatastic
action ensues, without any heat. Blah blah, back suplex, blah blah, chin lock, blah blah, face in peril, yadda yadda yadda.
Shelton gets the pin on the Scottish one after a superplex. When’s the last time you saw someone get a pinfall from
Eliminated: The Highlanders
New Opponents: Jim Duggan & Super Crazy?
The guys try to build to a hot tag for Crazy, but alas, it doesn’t have any
believability when you have 1:20. Anywho, Haas hits a big german (not this) on Crazy (because Jim Duggan needs to be protected) for the pinfall.
New Opponents: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch
All right, see, here’s the problem. Haas & Benjamin have been playing the heels
for the last 8 minutes, but now, the bookers expect that the fans will now cheer for them as they face the more heelish rednecks.
This would be like turning an active Shawn Michaels to face off against an inactive Hulk Hogan. .. Oh. Never mind.
JR Quote: “He’s like a one legged man in a fist fight!”
Haas gets the room temperature tag, cleans house (Jackie Gayda just had a baby, what do
you expect?), and has Murdoch in the Haas of Pain, but HBCade drops an elbow from the top for the win. Sounds impossible,
but it looked good.
Eliminated: The World’s (Not Quite) Greatest Tag Team
New Opponents: Cryme Tyme
Call me crazy, but JTG reminds me a lot of D’Lo Brown. He even has the cool vest
to go along with it! Man, I miss D’Lo. The way he shook his head always made me laugh, and if weren’t for the
fact that he broke Droz’s neck, he’d have gotten somewhere. I remember once, he was cutting on the British Bulldog,
saying he was the best European champion of all time (which is like saying you’re the best bronze medalist ever, but
I digress), and the interviewer sneezed, and D’Lo had the presence of mind to hand him a towel. For the record: These
teams interest me so much, I feel necessary to talk about a mid-card guy who was fired 4 years ago.
Anywho, JTG takes the high/low, but rolls (with all his Negros in a Cadillac Escalade,
no doubt) to the outside. Shad Gaspard (is it just me, or does this name make you think he’s constantly out of breath?)
gets the tag eventually, dodges a double-team, and land the Samoan Drop/Flipping Neck breaker (Or as I like to call it, the
“G-Uneck”) for the win, and a future title shot.
Winners: YES YES YALL. TO THE BEAT YALL.
Backstage, Vince pushes forth this Donald Trump angle. I can just see this feud culminating
in a hair VS hair match, and instead of a razor, they just use a noogie. Vince quasi books Donald Trump VS Rosie O’Donnell
for next Monday. Is it just me, or is Raw slowly turning into Celebrity Death Match? Somehow, this segues into Ron Simmons
saying DAMN. WWE humour: Where the laughs never start!
King: “DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP MAINSTREAM PUBLICITY DONALD TRUMP!” (I paraphrased)
Kenny Dykstra VS Ric Flair
Only in the WWE is a 20 year old allowed to beat up a 57 year old. I tried it the other day, but all I got was
an ass kicking.
Decent, but uninspired match takes place. I like Ric as much as the next guy, but I’d
rather see him in matches against bigger names, simply because the crowd gets into them more. I also like Kenny, but I’m
jealous about the fact that he’s engaged to Mickie James (Mickie Dykstra? THAT should have been her original WWE name.)
Anyways, the story of the match here is that Ric is trying to get Kenny to respect him,
and Kenny ain’t havin’ none of that, old-timer. Honestly, I don’t have much to say on this match: Kenny
did all the hard bumping, as you’d expect, Flair worked the leg, but in the end, the ref got distracted, and Kenny landed
a low blow and a roll up for the win.
Winner: Kenny Doane’t Even Think About Making a Joke About My Last Name
Backstage, Nitro shrinks his penis with an ice pack. Melina is seen in the corner, shrugging
her shoulders, and reaching for a vibrator. Well, replace “Melina” with “Victoria”, and “for
a vibrator” with “For Melina’s help later tonight”, and you’ve got the real thing. But my version
is more realistic.
Mickie James VS Victoria, Women’s Championship
These two girls should make a super-team, and like Edge & Orton, they could have a
poorly edited theme. She ain’t the lady mess with, CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. ROHbots would love that shit.
Solid women’s match takes place *. The two ladies chain wrestle a little bit, with
neither one coming out on top *. Victoria avoids injury *. Mickie slowly builds back momentum *, and looks to finish things
off *, but Victoria continues *. Melina runs out to get into the action *, and as she was looking to end the match, she pulls
Mickie down *. All the other divas run out *, and Mickie finishes things off *.
Winner and still Women’s Champion: Mickie James *
*= in my pants!
Rated RKO RLY VS D><, Tag T3am Titles, lolz.
You know, considering the arena they’re in (the Kansas City Kemper Arena), I’m
glad Shawn didn’t insist on the Wrestlemania 12 entrance…
Anywho, before the match, Hunter gets on the mic, and likens themselves to mini-wheats
again. I, however, personally believe that they’re more like 100% All Blah.
Before Edge & Orton make it to the ring, DX swarms like a really small pack of really
large bees. However, it’s just mindless brawling… for the next 6 minutes. Despite the fact that they’re
just running through the motions right now, HBK is quite obviously calling many audibles, like “Cornet Spot” during
the match. This would be like going into Schindler’s list, and Spielberg saying “NOW THIS JEW IS GONNA DIE K?”
At some point, Orton got busted open, and it only got worse throughout this match. Somewhere,
JBL is in a hotel room screaming “BLEED, ROOKIE! BLEEEEED!” Things continue as status quo, until Edge spears HBK
off the apron. HBK basically gets double-teamed, until he gives HH the hot tag. Hunter gives Orton a spinebuster, and apparently
tweaks his leg. Hunter is clearly hurt, as he’s having a hard time walking, and botches an RKO bump badly.
Sean: Clearly Hunter was so intimidated by VKM's million dollar challenge~!
that his legs just gave out
James: I don't think you're a true member of the McMahon family until
you've torn your quads
Sean: well, it's Steph's turn
Sean: i'll accept her becoming
a Quad as well
Sean: i'm not picky
James: I volunteer to run her over
in a quad. Does that count?
Sean: sounds fine to me
Sean: like I said, I'm not
James: Apparently, God is. He's getting hunter back for not subbing in for him last year.
Sean: clearly Nash, HHH, Vince & Droz need to form a stable
James: I insist they make an entrance with Steve Austin: Raw Sheriff.
From here, the match just loses all focus. Everyone involved (including the crowd) is
obviously paying more attention to Hunter’s gibbled leg, but to Hunter’s credit, he muscles through and does try
to work the match. However, Orton COMPLETELY whiffs on a chair shot, which is sold anyways. Oh, by the way, this match has
completely broken down now, and it’s clear that it’s some sort of DDQ.
Result: No Contest
Orton is gushing blood like Mt. St Helen’s, and then Hunter pedigrees Edge through
an announce table while HBK drops the elbow through the other on Orton. Entertaining match, but for wrong reasons. Kudos to
HBK for saving this match from going all the way to hell. For Orton? RIBBON FOR PARTICIPATION!
THE GRISH is backstage with Cena, and John cuts a pretty good promo. Now if only he’d
Carlito w/A Bitch w/Chloe VS Chris Masters
Carlito’s hair seems to be growing exponentially now, ever since he hooked up with
Torrie. I’m thinking that’s where she hides her pubic hair.
You know, back when these two were teaming, we here at TWF cleverly called them “Green
Apples”. It’s only now that I realize we should have called them “Apple Juice”.
All right, so it’s a Carlito match. You know what that means: boring boring boring
rest hold SPRINGBOARD FLIPPY DIPPY strikes strikes finish. For the life of me, I’ll never figure out the benefit of
a DOUBLE springboard. I’d understand if he got a respectable amount of results, but to me, it just seems like an unnecessary
amount of risk that usually ends up in a botched attack. Kind of like the war in Iraq, am I rite?!
Anywho, Carlito manages to avoid the masterlock, but still ends up being pinned. High
Winner: Chris Masters
JAWWWN CEENUH VS Oooh,
Chavo Maga, w/ Estrada, WWE World
Heavyweight Championship Title Or Whatever The Fuck They Call It Now
All right. I haven’t watch much wrestling recently, so most of what I’ve seen
here tonight has been hyped up by the internet. And, for me, the build for this match is all based on a little image WWE.com
had running on the front page, in a little corner. It had John Cena and Umaga staring each other down, with a thought bubble
coming off Umaga, where he was thinking “UMAGA WANT CENA T-SHIRT SOOO BAD!”. I’d have taken a screenshot
of this, but by the time I thought about it (right now), they’d taken it down. Either that or I’m just lazy.
Anyways, so I hope you all can appreciate that for me, this match is built ENTIRELY on
Cena’s refusal to listen to Umaga’s simple requests. Well, to this, I say NO MORE! John Cena, you sir, have masked
the underclothed nation of Samoa as a country full of wild savages with your hip-hoppery and bling-blingness for too long!
I WILL NOT STAND for this unfair and unethical portrayal of the kind people of the South Pacific anymore! Have YOU ever had
to boil explorers in oversized cauldrons to feed your family? Have YOU ever had to headbutt a tree down to make a fire to
keep warm? See John Cena, you do not know what it’s like to walk a mile in a Samoan’s naked footsteps. John Cena,
you are the most racist black man I’ve ever known.
So, get this. For the first time I can remember since Cena turned face in late 2003, his
opponent controlled the far majority of this match. It seems that superman found his kryptonite, in the form of simple spears
and voodoo chants. If only Lex Luthor would have ditched all his diabolical schemes and armed himself with Papa Shango and
Tony Atlas, he’d have been able to rule the world. Oh well!
Cute thing about this match: Cena can’t pick Umaga up for an FU, despite the fact
he’s given it to guys like Rikishi, Albert, and even Big Show, who are all bigger than Umaga. That’s like Tiger
Woods saying “I can’t make this 3 foot putt, but watch me create nuclear fission with orange juice concentrate
Ok, so. Cena continually builds momentum, but as soon as he tries to out power Umaga,
he fails. That is, until Cena lands the protoplex, and 5 knuckle shuffle. However, the FU attempt fails again, and Umaga sends
Cena in the corner. However, Cena hustles up, and rolls Umaga up for the 3 count. The match wasn’t as bad as it sounds.
Winner and still WWE Champion: John Cena
Show Highlight: Hardy VS Nitro was good. You know, this
MNM/Hardys feud is about the only thing that’s a serious draw for me right now, and it’s because they put out
matches like this. Sure, they’re not the most psychologically sound, but they’re fun and always different. These
four could feud for a year, and you would hear me complaining.
HOWEVER, with that said, I’m actually going to give it to HHH’s injury. Now,
before you get on my for HHHating, let it be known that I respect the guy a whole hell of a lot, and even more so for toughing
it out tonight and doing the best he could. However, this opens up many possibilities for Wrestlemania, because another Cena/HHH
match just might make me stop vomit a little. Tack on the fact that DX is obviously stale, and this just freshens things up
a lot. Incase you don’t know, it was the other quad that Hunter injured, so at least it’s not a repeat injury,
and we should be getting some U2 hype videos by the end of the year.
Show Lowlight: Randy Orton COMPLETELY whiffing on his
accidental (ch)air shot on Edge. That’s an early contender for blooper of the year. Once HHH went down, Orton looked
completely lost in the ring tonight.
Overall Show Thoughts: Solid offering here. See WWE?
This is what good build for a PPV will do. None of your matches were amazing, but because they all (bar the tag turmoil match)
had a decent amount of heat towards them, the show was that much better. All the matches had a simple story behind them, and
they all worked. It’s when you have convoluted shit or no build that your PPVs suck. I might be going a little easy
on them tonight, but this is a throwaway PPV, and they put more effort into it than some of their recent offerings. On a whole,
I’m going to give this PPV a thumbs up, simply because I didn’t feel totally ripped off.