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NEW
YEAR'S
REVOLUTION
2006

(01/08/06)

by Sean Carless

 

Hello all, I’m your lovable party host Sean Carless, and welcome to "New Year's Resolution"… the only pay-per-view where Chris Masters' RAW proclamation of his New Year's “Revolution" of being the youngest "WW champion ever” can finally come true. I for one wish him luck (and a dictionary).

 

Anyhoo, tonight’s New Year’s Revolution (and what exactly is WWE “revolting” against, anyway? You know, besides common sense and good booking) comes to us from Albany, New York. Home of the Knickerbockers! Wait. What the fuck is a Knickerbocker? (And before someone emails me and says “It’s derived from the Dutch who settled here!" I don’t care. Seriously.)

 

Our hosts for our Spanish friends and enthusiasts of interrupted commentary during the final 10 minutes of pay-per-view due to unforeseen table mishaps are Hugo and Carlos; while Joey Styles and Coach will be breaking it down for us gringos, from a presumably safe unbroken area void of plummeting wrestlers. Ay Ay Ay!

 

Edge w/ Lita & Money in the Bank Vs. (C) Ric Flair w/o Beth Flair w/o money in the bank; Intercontinental Title match.

 

It’s the battle of Flair vs….umm, Flaring Herpes? Sadly this is the only play on words I could think of. Oh well.  Anyway, as we know, this entire rivalry has been based around Edge making light of Ric Flair’s vehicular woes, which I find ironic, because even Flair’s car has less miles on it than Lita. There, that's better. And now that I've exhausted two tedious Lita jokes inside one Review, we can move on....

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Well, turns out I probably beat the Lita jokes into the ground in 2006. Part of me is sad that they're now over (guess which part), because I was one of the first to start exclusively doing them in 2003; but much like other over-done fads like Chuck Norris and "All your base are belong to us", it's time to put this faggoty baby to bed. (unfortunately, by my count, there's 4 more Sean Carless Retro-Rants coming so, umm, after that, that's it. Rest in Peace Lita jokes. 2003-2006.)).

 

This match is criminally short, but for reasons that will become obvious later on.  Edge attacks before the bell. Edge is on offense early on, but eventually both men spill to the floor where Edge suplexes Flair on the arena mats. Back inside, Edge wears down Flair with a dragon sleeper then clotheslines Flair back out. Flair soon rallies and thumbs Edge in the eye, and gives one to Lita as well. Flair then goes up top and hits the top rope forearm because he’s still a face (the Law’s of nature don’t permit him execute the move when he’s a heel). Flair now goes to work on Edge’s knee and takes him down with a chop block. Lita now up on the apron, and Flair goes after her, but spots a charging Edge and dumps him out and over. Flair then drags Lita into the ring and executes the figure four. As she’s flailing, Edge sneaks in with the briefcase and clobbers Flair to draw the DQ.

 

After the bell, Edge nails him again and Flair does color. Edge and Lita then promptly head backstage where Edge will likely soothe her figure four woes with a little figure foreskin. Hey, sue me. It’s the only thing I can think of.

 

Winner by disqualification: Ric Flair.

/5

 

-Backstage, Tard Grisham is with Kurt Angle and Daivari. Angle states that he hopes Iraq wins the war in the Gulf; that France is his "favorite" country; He doesn’t care for “the black people”; and if he could apply an ankle lock to anyone in history, it’d be to Jesus Christ. Wow. Don’t know how well that’d work. When you have the ability to no-sell death, chances are a submission hold isn't gonna get the job done either. But hey, you'd think Kurt would put over Jesus and not bury him. After all, if anyone might need one of those sudden "Lazarus comebacks" in the future, it'd be Kurt Angle.

 

 Anyway, Angle then states that this proves that he can say anything and still get cheered. I however find it hilarious that Cena’s so unpopular that shock comments like applying a painful submission hold to God still doesn’t sway a crowd. I think at this point, even if Angle painted on a little moustache and started goose-stepping around the locker room sig heiling it wouldn’t change a fucking thing. People would still be saying, “Hey, sure that Hitler’s an asshole and everything, but MAN, do I hate John Cena!”.

 

 

(C) Trish Stratus Vs. Mickie James: WWE Women’s title at stake;

 

I’m man enough to admit that Mickie/Trish has been the best built feud in recent memory. The 2nd best however is the vaunted “My penis” Vs. “My Hand” series that has lit up my living room the last few months while watching these ladies. (Most of the matches have ended in a squash...)

 

Anyway, for those of you who haven’t been paying attention, or maybe were accidentally catching your balls in a post-jack zip up during these gal’s vignettes, this feud has gone from Mickie being an overzealous fan to Trish, to several subtle lesbian advances… that ultimately culminated last week with Mickie irking Trish while stating to her “Nice boobs”. To my knowledge, this is the first feud in wrestling history where the hard sell (no pun intended) has been on a comment towards one’s large breasts. Strangely enough, this also could have been the catalyst in the Edge vs. Flair storyline....

 

Mickie and Trish first exchanged clean counters, and they played up early that Mickie was star struck, while Trish was all business. Mickie eventually figures this out when Trish counters a swinging rana out of the corner and tries to pin her with what looked like a rope assist. The crowd soon starts to get behind Mickie, as Mickie lays in some very snug hard punches (sure she can wrestle, but man, you should see her box!) and Trish follows suit with some stiff shots of her own. Mickie eventually gains the advantage and actually hits a version of the Stratusfaction bulldog, but postures and poses and covers very lackadaisical and Trish kicks out. Trish soon returns the favor with an attempted Stratusfaction, but Mickie squirms out, but misses the “Mick kick” (not to be confused with what a drunk Irishman does to his wife) allowing Trish to nearly decapitate her with the chick kick to pick up the win and retain.

 

Winner and still champion: Trish Stratus. Now, this is how you deal with unwanted Lesbian advances! And the best part? Trish now has a contingency plan in the case she's ever a guest on the Rosie O'Donnell show.

/5

 

-Backstage, Maria interviews herself but is interrupted by Gregory Helms, who states that he’ll put Lawler in the Hospital tonight (WAIT. DON'T YOU MEAN A MEDICAL FACILITY?! What is this strange "hospital" you speak of?) and prevent him from making any of his “creepy old man” calls during her match. He however fails to explain why her or any woman would be bothered by the lack of Jerry’s perverted commentary.

 

- Shelton and his Mama arrive at the building. Can a mixed tag feud with Buff & Judy Bagwell be far behind? My God, I hope so.

 

-Edge and Lita enter the instant access area (coincidentally also Lita’s nickname). Edge refuses to answer fans questions and leaves Lita to it, because he has too much on his mind.

 

Gregory Helms Vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler

 

Stand Back, there’s a registered sex offender coming through! Hey, it’s been a full year since he halted Hassan’s momentum at this event, so why not break Lawler out of his glass case that reads “In case the need to destroy the push of young upstart arises, break glass.”?

 

But still, I can’t really get down on either of these guys too badly, because the match wasn’t bad. It was just uninteresting. Anyway, Lawler works a slow paced match (SURPRISE~!) but elicits a few laughs from the crowd when he stalls Helms coming off the ropes with the Hurricane pose. Helms soon regains the momentum after he posts King on the floor. Gregory then puts on King’s headset at the commentary table and puts himself over. (Well, someone has to, I guess). Back inside, Lawler teases a piledriver, but since his last name isn’t umm, Taker? He doesn’t get it, as Helms back drops out. Helms looks to finish by going up stairs, but Lawler is up and crotches Helms on the ropes, and he falls prone to the mat, allowing Lawler to go to the 2nd rope and hit the fist drop for the win. Ok, that pretty much accomplished nothing.

 

Winner: Jerry Lawler. Poor Helms. Maybe there's still time for Helms to get back into that pod that regenerates you powers ala Superman 2.

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Turns out Helms rebounded nicely and went on to have a historic Cruiserweight Title reign that has lasted for almost a year. And not just because he spent 6 straight months wrestling 4000 non-title matches with Matt Hardy. Good to see the umm, 200 day? Rule is still in effect!]

 

/5

 

-Backstage, Mama Benjamin is looking for some food for her boy, when Viscera comes up from behind and tries to "seduce" her. Dear Lord. I don’t even know if the law of physics could allow this union. Them hooking up would be as probable as stacking two basketballs. In any event, Mama gets all miffed, and basically says she’s gonna do something about it.

 

-Instant access area time again, and Trish comes in and shares an awkward glare with Lita, before Mickie runs in to congratulate her on her win. She says something to the effect about their sweaty bodies rubbing up against each other out there. (seriously).  Cue the saxophone music! This is the part where a Doctor with no clothes under his scrubs usually makes his nonsensical appearance!

 

-Video package for HHH & Big Show. Only one ridiculously huge hand was injured in the making of this vignette.

 

HHH, portraying the role of He-Man Vs. Big Show, portraying the role of Fisto;

 

 

I Have The Backstage Power! FINALLY, HHHe-Man has met his match in FISTO… in a battle to find out who truly is the *ahem* Master of the Universe. You don’t know how long I’ve waited for a formidable foe for HHHe-Man. And for those of you either forgetful of their childhoods, not nerds, or simply born sometime after 1986, HHH has always bore an incredible likeness to He-Man. You know, shaggy blond mop; Iron cross insignia; fights his battles in a snug pair of tiny briefs; smites his foes with a cumbersome heavy weapon; never without his gigantic pussy (Battle Cat and Stephanie respectively). However, Show has now been made over ala fellow hero Fisto, and can now TRULY give HHHe-Man a run for his money (or whatever currency they barter for goods on Eternia). And all because HHH had the bad sense to crush Show’s hand during a press conference gone awry. But seriously, why does anyone even bother showing up to HHH’s press conferences anymore? I can’t remember the last time they didn’t end with somebody getting obliterated.

 

Anyway, this one started off a little slow, but more than made up for it with psychology. HHH spent the better part of the match stalling, then attacking Show’s big injured taped fist when Show accidentally cracked it off the outside post when wildly swinging for the Game.

 

Eventually, HHH pries Fisto off, and really goes to work on Show’s mitt, by stomping, stretching, and dropping knees on it. Show tries to regain the offense with some head-butts, but he soon charges Trips, who ducks and pitches Show over the ropes to the floor. HHH then hilariously mocks Show’s choke-slam gesture and draws a huge pop, basically switching the crowd to his side. Once back in the ring, the Ref gets bumped, and HHH goes into his bag of tricks. He grabs his trusty sledgehammer, but Show is there with a mighty clubbing chop and severs the handle in two. Both men spill out to the floor and Show rams HHH into the stairs. Show then tries to pick up the stairs to potentially bludgeon Trips with them, but he can’t because of the hand. HHH takes this opportunity to low blow Show, then grab a chair and wear Show out with it, crushing his hand again as it was sandwiched on the stair base. HHH then measured Show for the potential death blow, but Show explodes with a spear! Back inside, Show signals for the choke slam with the other hand (and yes, he finally figured out he does indeed have two) but HHH nails him with the remnant of the Sledgehammer and hits a pedigree to pick up the win. (He even hides the sledgehammer after the match in an awesome bit of psychology. Great stuff).

 

Winner: HHH. On a side note, let me congratulate HHH on his future fatherhood. And sure, I could make the obvious apocalyptic jokes, but I won’t (mostly due to the fact that everyone has already used the good ones). But what I can do is say “I told you so!” You see, it was I who prognosticated this birth about 8 months ago in my Back-Leg Frontkick, in a segment called “If They Mated!” (Conan. You’re check is in the mail, buddy).

 

Here’s is what I came up with:

 

 

HHH and Stephanie

Hey, for years we've all wondered when HHH and Stephanie would produce an heir to Vince's throne (despite what poor Shane and his wife may think) and we now may have the answer to that. The future of the WWE empire lays below...

Let us now find out what happens when you mix the most prominent features of both Triple H and Stephanie McMahon:

....Hmmm, makes sense to me.

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Hey, turns out Stephanie didn't give birth to a nose with a nipple but an actual baby girl. I of course went on to further prognosticate what their child would be like here and ...actually nothing. I just wanted to link this satire. But tell the truth. You'd mark for Flair as a babysitter wouldn't you?]
.

/5

 

-Backstage, we see Masters stretching, when he’s approached by Carlito, who has a plot to form a partnership tonight in the elimination chamber. “To cheat death is a power only one has achieved. But if work together, I know we can discover the secret!” Ok, Carlito never really said that. Emperor Palpatine did. But if it meant tricking Masters into helping him hurl Cena from a skyscraper window ala Palps, I'm all for it.

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Ah, John Cena. Things were looking bleak here at the time, as Cena was amidst a push that overexposed him more than the Janet Jackson Titty. To his credit though, Cena persevered and managed to eventually win a lot of people over. And all it took was Edge, hardwork, and forsaking the hip hop scene for joining the fake Marines. Semper FUBU?]

 

 

Shelton Benjamin w/ Mama Vs. Viscera w/ about 3 years to live. Tops.

 

Shelton and Mama come out, and Shelton gets on the stick. “No one talks to my Mama that way!” he says. Mama then grabs the mic and goes off on Vis, but flubs her line in the middle saying “Benjamin, get your ass out here!” Wow. It’s times like this I really start thinking she might not really be his mother…

 

Big Vis comes out and the shit is on! And I mean that literally. This match stunk up the joint. But of no fault of Shelton’s. Crowd didn’t know who to cheer here, so they really didn’t cheer anyone. And strangely, sodomy isn't enough to win over the crowd to Vis's side! No wonder Patterson always worked as a heel!

 

Lots of false finishes on Shelton by Viscera which draws the ire of Mama. Viscera even goes ahead and applies the aforementioned dry hump to Shelton. And here I thought getting caught with skin mags in front of Mom was embarrassing. Anyway, finish sees Viscera get dropped near the ropes, where Mama gives him two swings of her purse, and Shelton finishes with a spin-kick.

 

Winner: Shelton Benjamin. I guess it’s a trade off. Work great matches no one watches, or be emasculated and buried in a terrible gimmick, but still get PPV pay offs. Not that the poor guy has a choice, though.

 

/5

 

- Vince McMahon comes into HBK’s dressing room and disingenuously wishes him luck tonight for starting first in the Chamber. HBK speaks up and says that no one thought a guy who drew number 1 could win the Royal Rumble, but he did it. Then he rattles off a laundry list of his accomplishments including the Ladder match at WM X and the first Hell in the Cell. Vince laughs and says he’ll win when Hell freezes over. But hey, why would Shawn care what happens to Hell? He got his free ticket out of that place, remember?

 

Ashley Vs. Maria Vs. Torrie Wilson Vs. Candice Vs. Victoria in the FIRST EVER Bra & Panties gauntlet match.

 

Hey, I like to masturbate as much as the next guy (and I have the Teen Wolf palms to prove it) but I think it’s fair to say that the bra & panties match has officially lost its appeal. At this point it just doesn’t even make sense anymore. I mean, we’ve seen half these women naked already, and the other half pretty much wrestle in their bras anyway. This kind of reminds me of the hype Vince gave the Kane Vs. Vader “mask Vs. mask” match in 1998…  you know, despite the fact that  9/10 times anyway, Vader would just scoop the mask off his sweaty head during his matches.

 

Anyway, with all this said, I’m pulling hard (tee hee) for a Maria victory here. I mean if anyone deserves a push it’s her. Only in my version she's bent over and it's me doing the pushing. Hey, don’t judge me. Like you weren’t thinking the same thing….

 

Maria starts things out with Candice. Candice and Maria actually work a semi good match (All my constant joking aside, I think Candice has really improved). Maria ends up eliminating Candice after stripping off her top, then countering Candice’s hanging choke and ripping off her pants. Next up is what’s left of the anorexic Torrie Wilson. Torrie actually hits a hand spring elbow, which proves she actually picked up something useful while storyline fucking Tajiri in 2002. However, even though Maria loses her top in the process, she eliminates Torrie relatively quickly while she was arguing with the referee. Next up is Victoria, who wastes no time in stripping Marie’s pants off (Testify, sister.)

 

At this point we all know where this is going. What could be done that’s been overplayed ad nauseam for years? You guessed it. Mae Young & Moolah come out. And penises across the nation go from full mast to turtle in record setting time. Mae of course takes off her shirt, and then her pants to reveal BLOOMERS. Dear God. Victoria, in shock, while males in crowd vomit uncontrollably into their overpriced soft drink containers, attacks Mae, but Moolah is there with the save. The two then tackle Victoria to the mat and tear her top off including an attempt on the bra. Man. If 75 year old women were all this adept at quickly stripping chicks naked, I'd always be takimg my grandmothers to the clubs with me. Oh well.

 

Anyway, Mae & Moolah then depart the scene, and out comes Ashley, who quickly pulls Victoria’s pants off to win the match in under a minute. After the match, Ashley takes her top and skirt off, just because.

 

Winner: Ashley.  Keeping her action under one minute is probably the best idea (an ideal I myself use in lovemaking.). Ashley has a lot of enthusiasm, but as a wrestler, she makes Giant Gonzalez look like Lou Thesz. And whatever happened to that claim during the Divas Search that her Dad was a wrestler, and that wrestling was in her blood? (Maybe she has poor circulation?)

 

/5

 

-Backstage at Instant access area, Shelton & Mama are chatting with the Internet fans. Mama pulls a brick out of her purse and Shelton is shocked.  If he thinks that's bad, I'd suggest he never look in the top drawer of her dresser then. That's a revelation no son should ever experience.

 

-Vignette for the Elimination Chamber follows. It’s an evil and vile structure. Apparently Satan has forsaken all his unholy demoic activities recently to design WWE gimmick matches. Who knew?

 

Elimination Chamber: (C) John Cena Vs. Kurt Angle Vs. Shawn Michaels Vs. Kane Vs. Chris Masters Vs. Carlito: WWE Championship.

 

First and foremost, it must be said; there are only two things I hate in wrestling. One is people who hate on the WWE’s over-pushed guys just because they sell crappy merchandise and appeal to women and children only. And the other is John Cena. Haha. Hey, I know, I pretty much stole this exact spiel from the Austin Powers films. But fuck them. What has Mike Myers ever done for me?

 

Anyway, HBK & Cena start things out, while the other four are relegated to their glass pods. The crowd absolutely SHITS on everything Cena does. Cena and HBK trade basic holds, but nothing really comes of it. Countdown now, and it’s Carlito! Carlito shocks everyone by executing an awesome over the top rope no hands somersault onto Michaels who was outside the ring on the steel. Awesome. Carlito then goes after Cena and gets a pop like he just body slammed Andre the fucking Giant. This is hilarious. Every time Cena tries his babyface comeback, there’s raucous booing from the crowd.

 

Countdown again, and here comes Kurt Angle. He explodes with Germans (not THIS, Tm. James Walker) and starts suplexing everyone in sight multiple times. Angle is a man possessed here, as he Germans Carlito out of the ring, then sling-shots HBK into the cage, busting him open. Angle then applies the ankle lock to Carlito, but the countdown has begun again, and here’s Masters to break it up.

 

Masters catches Cena with an awesome powerslam, and press slams HBK and slams him as well. He then attempts the Masterlock on Angle, but Kurt slips out and gets the ankle lock on Masters, but Cena breaks that up to HUGE boos. Cena attempts an FU, but Angle wriggles out, and snares Cena in the ankle lock! It looks bleak for Cena, but here’s HBK with a superkick to Angle and he covers Kurt and eliminates him. You can collectively hear the crowd let down on that one.

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Good to see WWE learned their lesson in eliminating the crowd favorite first the next time they did a Chamber match. Oh wait.]

 

HBK, Cena, Masters & Carlito now trade offense, but here’s the final countdown, and here’s Kane. Kane goes berserk, hitting a huge top rope clothesline on Masters, followed up by choke-slamming both HBK and Cena. Masters & Carlito then double up on him, and hit a double DDT, but Kane no sells it and sits up. Masters then presses Carlito and dumps him onto Kane, and they gang pin him. Wow.

 

This just leaves Carlito, Masters, HBK & Cena. HBK rallies soon after, and with Carlito and Masters presumably incapacitated, he goes to work on Cena. Flying forearm, big elbow, and he tunes up the band and actually hits the chin music. But Carlito blindsides HBK before he can cover and finishes him with his spinning neckbreaker. Holy shit. Didn’t see that coming. In any event, this just leaves Cena against both Carlito and Masters. They double team the shit out of Cena but Carlito insists that Masters apply the Masterlock to him. Masters reluctantly agrees, and Carlito of course double crosses him, and low blows Masters, rolling him up from behind. However, as Carlito is posturing, Cena immediately rolls Carlito up from behind to win the match.

 

Winner & still Champion: John Cena....

 

/5

 

...But wait, here’s Vince McMahon. He demands the cage be raised because “the night is not over yet”. Edge is cashing in his Money in the Bank, RIGHT NOW.

 

Edge w/Lita Vs. (C) John Cena: WWE Championship Match.

 

Hey, it’s funny how in about a one minute radius, Edge has gone from Matt Hardy coined “feces” to just about the biggest “face” in New York State right now. Awesome.

 

Anyway, the match is underway, Edge attacks, and gets a huge spear, but Cena kicks out at 2 and seven/eighths. Edge starts freaking out, but gets himself composed, and hits spear number two. 1..2…3. New Champion crowned as children across the country disappointedly throw down their foam knucks in unison, and go outside for the first time in months and end up losing 30 pounds.

 

Winner & New Champion: Edge. Hey, let this be a lesson to you. Just because you sleep with your best friend’s girlfriend, get injured all the time, and have a hard time getting over, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be WWE Champion. Oh wait. Yes it does. Ah, I’m just kidding. Huge mark-out moment here. And I'll go on record and say Edge deserves it. Hats off (at a jaunty angle) to Cena as well for working hard.

 

-Edge celebrates with the belt (which one can only hope will be obliterated off the face of the Earth  by tomorrow) as Cena looks on, wearing the crimson mask, dejected.

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Turns out they never did dispose of that fucking belt. In fact, I've gone on to realize that I actually like Cena and just hated that championship. And besides, since he's a umm, "Military man" now, why does Cena even have that monstrosity? When was the last time you saw Colin Powell or Norman Schwarzkopf wearing a spinning hubcap with fucking rhinestones? And Yes, that's how we're wrapping up (rapping up?) here. Whatever.].

 

=NA

 

End Show.

 

Final Thoughts: This show was better than I expected. Trish & Mickie  built well to an eventual full blown heel turn for one of them. HHH going over at this point was probably the best thing right now. And Carlito really shone as a star tonight and stepped up. The Edge Money in the Bank ending was a little foreshadowed earlier in the evening, but a nice surprise regardless. I think I would have put my head through my TV ala Freddy Krueger in Elm Street 3 if the actual Chamber finish had closed the show, but luckily it didn’t. And Hey, I pick on Cena a little bit, but it’s all in jest. I just hope to see them take the character in a new non-clichéd direction. I’m not so much Anti-Cena as I’m Anti-pandering babyface. But whatever.

 

In any event, the good out weighed the bad here, so Thumbs up.

 

I’m Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).