Hey, wouldn’t this show have made a lot more sense one week ago? You know, when it actually was New Year's. But hey, stay tuned for WWE's next PPV offering: St. Valentine's Day Massacre! Coming March 10! Call your cable provider right now!
Anyhoo, welcome to WWE New Year’s Revolution, LIVE~! from sunny
(C) Eugene & William Regal vs. Christian & Tyson Tomko w/ PROBLEM SOLVING ABILITIES!: World Tag Team Championships at stake.
Yes. Our friend Tyson Tomko the Problem Solver is here! Tonight's problem: If two Tyson Tomko's are heading to the same arena in opposite directions, who will get there first and completely stink up the joint?
Anyways, Eugene is dressed as Hulk Hogan tonight, and he is actually addressed as such! Vince must have finally mailed Stan Lee his fucking check! Because I’d be damned if I didn’t hear the word "Hulkster" uttered several times by JR. This can only mean that a Hulk Hogan return is inevitable. And hell, if all goes well, Eugene might just bump Brutus Beefcake out of Hulk's life as his premiere retard!
Match starts out as comedy (and not just unintentionally with Tomko) with Eugene emulating JYD spots, (I wouldn't let Eugene drive tonight then) as he delivers some Junkyard-style headbutts followed by simulating urinating on him. I heard this was a spot invented by HHH, but he hasn't had the opportunity to work it into his repertoire yet. Lucky us.
Tomko eventually comes in, and dominates, until Eugene makes the tag to Regal, who ends up with a bloody nose by Christian on the floor. After some double teaming, Eugene makes the hot tag and cleans house, (which is usually the only gainful employment people like Eugene get) before accidentally blowing out his knee on a dropkick gone awry. Because of this, they have to improvise the finish, which now saw Tomko & Xian dump Regal to the floor with a double-clothesline, followed by Eugene getting the Summer Slam’97 Stone Cold "roll-up of extreme disbelief on our part" on Tomko. But hats off to Eugene for finishing; you know, as opposed to pulling a Nash and rolling out of the ring crying.
Winners and STILL Champions: Eugene & Regal. After the match, the referees and the trainer tend to Eugene,
and help him from the ring. It is during this moment we actually see Eugene conversing normally with the officials in a very
non-retarded-like fashion. Man, sometimes I’d swear Eugene wasn’t really disabled.
-Christie Hemme is seen at poolside. Yes, I just recapped that. Your WWE dollars at work ladies and gentlemen!
-Backstage, Christian & Tomko are going over their loss, when they run into Edge. Edge apparently has a plan that involves Christian becoming World Heavyweight Champion. No word on whether it first involves savagely murdering 3/4's of the locker room and the entire creative team. Hey, I’m just saying.
(C) Lita vs. Trish Stratus for Women’s Championship;
This match actually lasted less time than I did violating myself to its participants. I’m kidding. Or am I? Anyway, Lita takes the fight to Trish early, and tosses her to the floor. Lita then delivers a Lou (Louise?) Thesz press off the apron... but channels Sid Vicious and tweaks her leg on the way down. Continuing with the Sid shtick, Lita then goes backstage to her car and retrieves a squeegee and uses it on Trish to retain the Title. Ok, that last part was bullshit. But tell me that wouldn't have been the Balls. Anyway, back in the ring, Lita is in a bad way, and Trish buys time by working on the healthy leg and applying a version of the ankle-lock. It’s at this point that someone backstage probably called an audible, and Trish simply finishes Lita after countering a DDT attempt with the chick-kick to regain the title. Funny, you'd think Lita's legs would be a little stronger; you know, considering how much exercise she gets opening and closing them.
Winner and new champeen as the kids are saying these days: Trish Stratus.
-Chris Jericho is seen stretching backstage, but they cut away
from the pulse pounding excitement of calisthenics, for Maria…who is now also poolside, removing her
shirt and pants to reveal a foil bikini. And somewhere in
-Backstage, Edge (along with Christian) begs Eric to allow Christian to take his place in the Elimination chamber, because he feels that HBK will screw him. Bischoff refuses. And I agree, after all, it’s not like Michaels has ever purposely been a part of a conspiracy to keep the World title from a Canadian. That's just silly talk.
-Edge leaves the office and runs into Michaels who promises he’ll call this one right down the middle. Because apparently he’s only here to do two jobs…counting a pin or calling a submission. I however still thought it was funny hearing Shawn say he’d do jobs.
-We learn of the extent of both Lita and
Maven’s new metrosexual eyebrows vs. (C)
For the record, Maven is perhaps wearing the tiniest pair of trunks EVER tonight, which to make matters worse, are also powdered blue; you know, like the suits complete and total losers wear to their High school proms. I think I still have mine hanging in my closet.
Anyway, Maven stalls once the bell rings, and eventually goes
to the floor and grabs a microphone to address the fans who are chanting something at him in Espaņol. He then tells
them he can’t understand what they’re saying. Maven continues to get massive heat (which is usually about as foreign
to him as vaginas are to Michael Jackson), before deciding he’s going to take a walk and get counted out. However, he runs back at “8”, and is quickly school-boy’d by
Maven immediately grabs the mic again and DEMANDS a rematch since
that “didn’t really count.”
Anyway, Maven immediately gets hit with a T-bone and gets pinned again. But since it's just Maven, I'll insist that it's a chuck steak, because a T-bone's too good for him. That's right. And oh ya, that officially end the 2nd match. Worth my $35.95, that's for sure.
Definitely not Maven. Wow, what went
wrong with Maven’s push? (shove?) Personally, I think it was the shaving of his celebrated eyebrows. Much
like Sampson’s hair of old-Testament Biblical lore, once Maven sheared away his bountiful brows, he lost all his power.
Winner: Definitely not Maven. Wow, what went wrong with Maven’s push? (shove?) Personally, I think it was the shaving of his celebrated eyebrows. Much like Sampson’s hair of old-Testament Biblical lore, once Maven sheared away his bountiful brows, he lost all his power. True story.
-Once again we cut away to Christie, this time having oil rubbed on her back from a brunette, I think her name is... something? I don't know (or care, sorry). Anyway, usually in my vision, this is the part where I’d break up the moment with a party hat, some rubber dentist gloves and a makeshift rubber dildo drill-bit; but on this day, I’d kinda like to just watch wrestling. Call me crazy.
[Sean's note from 2007: CANDICE~! Candice was said brunette. This was before Go Daddy, and Playboy and actually learning to fucking wrestle. This woman has brought me so much joy since then. Both in the wrestling and quasi-biblical sense. Hats off to her! And by "hats" I mean pants! and by "pants" I mean, pants. Really.].
-Quick recap of the “Great Arab-American Debate” between Ross & Lawler and Hassan & Daivari from last Monday, complete with Lawler blading the wrong side of his head after a Hassan punch. Man. And the whole thing was going so well, too! I mean, who wouldn't listen to the credible views of a grown man debating politics while wearing a fucking Halloween costume? A world where JR and King are accepted as credible political pundits is a world where we elect a retard to the white house! Oh.
-Anyway, backstage, Hassan and Daivari are being interviewed by Tard
Grisham, when Muhammad snaps and basically claims, that much like the media, the footage of the debate was edited to present
him in a poor light. Brother’s got a point there. He then says that he thought Puerto Ricans could see his plight because
they are 2nd class citizens to the
MOhammad (according to JR) Hassan w/ Daivari vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler w/ Jim Ross but w/o the time machine back to late 80's Memphis where this match would be, I don't know, credible?
Before I get into this, this might sound mean, but was I the only one who was reminded of the scene in Jedi where Leia murders Jabba when Hassan was strangling Jim Ross the other night? Not that Bell’s palsy is in ANY WAY connected to being a 4000 pound space slug, mind you. But hey, it doesn't help.
This match was very awkward because there was no one calling the action. If only the camera man followed their example.
Another drawback here is Lawler insisted on working a 1970’s
Winner: Muhammad Hassan. Damn, all of a sudden, wearing a sweater lined with dynamite ain't looking too bad...
-Backstage, Randy Orton confronts Batista, and asks him what his priorities are tonight; then tells him to "not be a stooge" for Triple H anymore. Batista then says, "you only say that because you haven't seen my Moe Howard impression!" and then he moves his hand up and down before poking Randy in the eyes. Ok, maybe not. He actually just said that if he gets the chance, he’ll be trying to win the Championship tonight. I think I like my version better.
-Coach joins Jim Ross for commentary because Lawler is "recovering" ….umm, from taking one face bump? Luckily for us, a special team of surgeons are flown in and he returns back in time for the main event.
-Snitsky & Kane’s history is detailed. Only one cycloptic baby with the ability to create fire from its hands was injured in the making of this vignette.
Gene Snitsky w/the confidence to proclaim "her body, her choice" vs. Kane w/ one less Birthday present to buy this year.
Gene Snitsky is definitely the breakout star of 2004…and I mean that literally. Dude’s got some nasty shit going on everywhere, including the face. In fact, I kept expecting a lunar shuttle to land on him at one point.
Anyway, this whole feud centers around one gigantic abortion, so why not finish it with one? Ah, it wasn’t that bad, but it was a little sloppy (think Michael J. Fox eating a meatball sub). The two brawl for most of the match (obviously) including on the floor where Snitsky takes a huge back body drop on the exposed concrete. This elicits a “Holy shit” chant. But that's probably more to do with the fact he landed on his acne-riddled back, and they expected a sudden tidal wave of fluid to drown them. Back inside, Kane hits a flying clothesline (he had missed earlier when Snitsky punted him in mid-air) and goes for the chokeslam soon after, but Snitsky also goozles him. Snitsky then takes a page out of Mike Tyson’s book (No, not raping him) and bites Kane on the ear as Kane screams out in pain. Huh? Burns over 2/3rds of his body, he no sells? but a love nibble does this guy in? Someone's pain threshold is a little confused here. Thank god Snitsky didn't follow that up with a wet willy, it might have killed him!
Anyway, Snitsky then charges at Kane, but eats a sloppy Kane boot and an equally sloppy tombstone, as Kane gets the clean pin (Snitsky’s first loss if I’m not mistaken).
Winner: Kane; Loser: The Pro Choice Movement.
-Back to the pool where Val Venis with his shaved head (He’s taking this “huge penis” gimmick a little far…as now he’s physically transforming into one) and Stacy Keibler are in the water, and a game of “chicken” is declared. Maria gets up on Robert Conway’s shoulders, the Brunette on Hurricane's, and Christy on Rosey's. Sylvain Grenier, who was also poolside, doesn’t get to play apparently, because they're short one woman. That's actually sad. Considering what he’s been though with Patterson, it would have been nice for the guy to have a woman clung to his back for once.
Anyway, the Brunette goes down first (practice, perhaps?), followed by Stacy. This just leaves Christie and Maria. Christy wins when she undoes Maria’s bikini top and shoves her off. But before you go scrambling for your remotes, there was no tittage, so save yourself (and your DNA) the trouble.
-HHH, Flair and Batista all converse backstage. HHH is angry that Big Dave has his own agenda as far as the Elimination chamber goes. Batista insists that he told Randy what "he wanted to hear" and that he’s learned his lessons well. Batista claims he’ll do the right thing tonight by Hunter because he’s a member of Evolution first and foremost; BUT, if HHH gets eliminated before he enters, the Title is fair game. HHH then nods and says "that's cool, I'll just have Stephanie write in me pinning you for it tomorrow night.". OK, he didn't really say that. But then again, he didn't have to....
-Eric Bischoff comes out to kill a little time, and basically takes credit for the chamber, yada, yada, yada and tells us to enjoy New Year’s Revolution. Man, this Eric expects the impossible!
HHH vs. Batista vs. Randy Orton vs. Chris Benoit vs. Y2J vs. Edge; Elimination Chamber for the vacant World Heavyweight Championship w/ Shawn Michaels as Referee.
You know, I always figured HHH would end up getting Chris Jericho, Benoit and Edge into tiny little pods, but I always assumed he'd insist they'd be filled with cement or live cobras. Oh well.
All we know going into this is that DAVE gets to come out of
his pod last. Benoit & Jericho start fast and furious, and pick right up where their 2001 feud left off. Both mean hit
a few high impact moves, including Benoit peeling off a German. Both then attempt their submission finishes but no dice. Benoit
then hits a sick superplex onto
Speaking of which, HHH emerges ready to do battle (unlike
his 2003 groin-pull fiasco). HHH rams Benoit into the fence opening him up. HHH takes a nasty spill onto the steel apron after
Countdown passes and Edge is out next, spearing both
Up next is Randy Orton, who goes for Trips and manhandles him
Benoit turns his attention to HHH next, and actually hits
a flying headbutt from the top of one of the chamber pods!
From there, Hunter gets taken out on the steel apron with a
[Sean's note from 2007: It was! Finally, some continuity! Now if we could just get someone arrested who commits murder on the Undertaker, all we'll be right in the (wrestling) world!].
Anyway, this of course just leaves Orton and HHH, and Randy quickly hits an RKO on HHH, but Batista (who hasn’t left the cage yet) is trying to slide in and is being restrained by Michaels. At this point, Flair (who slipped in through the door that was opened for Batista’s exit) tries to come in, and this diverts Michaels attention long enough for Batista to mow Randy Orton down with a huge clothesline. HHH of course recovers, and hits the ego pedigree for the win. The sheer force of the pedigree sends both men plummeting to the bottom of the Ocean. IT'S THAT POWERFUL. Oh ya, HHH wins the title for the 10th time.
After the match, Evolution celebrate with the champion, and Dave picks up HHH on his shoulders as Ric Flair applauds. Not exactly the safest place to be when it comes to Batista. I also imagine this creates awkward situations at Batista family outings. Batista: "Which of you kids,wants a piggy back ride?!" Kids: *Sniffle* I don't want to die, Mommy!"
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: HHH; Loser: Me, for ordering this PPV. If only I was physically able to kick myself in the balls.
FINAL THOUGHTS: A total one match show, as everything else ranged from mediocre to terrible. The Elimination chamber was a very good match, but the finish was a little stupid. Why strip HHH of the title and go to all these elaborate set ups if he’s going to win anyway? You might as well have had this just be another title defense for HHH then. As for the Batista non-turn, I guess they’ll hold off on that; but even the slightest tease of dissension would have been nice.
Now, with that said, between the depressing Chamber finish, to the Hassan burial (if you see some pointy boots sticking
up through the grass in Peking tomorrow, that's just Hassan), to the non-match between Shelton & Maven, and especially
the Divas stuff, I just cannot give this PPV a thumbs up in good conscience. Not that I have a conscience. My writing has
clearly proven this to be the case. Still though...
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).