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WWE NXT RANT

By

Malcolm Not in the Middle

 

            Hey guys! Malcolm Not in the Middle here, and are you ready for some good news, or you ready for some good news? After almost a year of writing… finally.. I’m an official member of the Internet community! That’s right, I was recently banned from someone’s account! YES! NUMBER ONE!

 

            … Okay seriously, Halo would you just drop this already?

 

            Recently, WWE made it official that Tough Enough is returning to TV soon… which means we’ll have a new weekly show to recap (Hey Halo, now’s your chance to escape TNA!) Dunno how I feel about this one. I loved the first one. Seriously, it was awesome. I have fond memories of watching Josh (Now Josh Matthews) master the dropkick, the awesomeness (and later disappointment) that was Maven, the waste of space that was Darryl, etc. It’s to date still my favorite Reality Show of all time… so you think I’d be happy.

 

            However, its WWE… they will fuck it up. I’ve already heard them call the upcoming show “a scripted reality show”… Which makes WWE look really stupid. There is no such thing as a Scripted Reality show… that’s just a show. However, what I am interested in is seeing how they make this show different from NXT. Otherwise, the hell is the point? Oh well, we’ll have to see…

 

            The first elimination is up this week, as we all wonder how boring Jacob Novak will be upon his exit. (Remember I called it here last week) This week begins not with our typical “Default” starts. Striker is there with all the Pros and Rookies to finally reveal to them the prize if they win, you know aside from the whole job thing if they win.  They are more specific with this title shot, as it will now be a Tag Title shot. Now, if you win, the Rookie AND his Pro will receive a shot at the WWE Tag Titles as the big prize.

 

CLAP!... CLAP!...CLAP!

 

            Bravo! I really like this change right here. With the way WWE books the Rookies (See Kaval), no one was buying the Rookies having a chance in Hell of getting a title. However, the Tag Team Division is the shits right now, and the tag champs are a “Comedy Tag Team”. In other words, who ever wins this, is probably going to be a champ this time, so that’s exciting.  Also, this also fixes an issue I’ve had for sometime. I’ve actually thought for a while that the Pros should have some sort of prize for helping on this show. Otherwise, it’s just the faces trying to help their Rookies, and the heels not giving a fuck. This is an all around win! Great job, writers!

 

            The wrestlers do a fantastic job of being shocked, as it’s a sea of joy, confusion, and outrage. Striker then makes an interesting announcement. He says right now, the Pro’s are going to be having a Battle Royal, with the winner getting the opportunity to switch their Rookie for another Pro’s Rookie. Once again, that’s pretty interesting.

 

PRO BATTLE ROYAL

 

            Humorously, Ricardo Rodriguez actually takes Alberto Del Rio’s spot in the Battle Royal. This goes about as well as you think. His beatdown starts with Daniel Bryan giving him another minute long airplane spin, which everyone else hysterically takes five while he does this. I honestly would love to know how Bryan can do those, and not vomit afterward. Anyway, a few punches from Truth later, and Ricardo is out.

 

            With the jobber now eliminated, the others begin to go to work on each other. Daniel is the next one eliminated thanks to Ziggler. And is soon followed by R Truth who is eliminated by Ted. Finally Ziggler sneaks up behind Ted and Masters while they are fighting, and eliminates them both to win it.

 

WINNER: Dolph Ziggler

 

            At the time of this writing, Dolph is the number one contender for the World Title on Smackdown. Wow, Little Nicky sure has grown since his “Hi! Dolph Ziggler…” days.

 

            Decision time for Dolph, as he has the opportunity to ditch Jacob Novak because he’s going to be eliminated anyway. Dolph reads my mind, as he pretty much calls Novak (who is on the ramp watching this with the rest of the Rookies) a waste of space, and declares his pick to be the man who will run wild on WWE… Byron Saxton… huh? Not Brodus Clay, really? Oh well, a wet cat is better than Novak at this point.

 

            Novak power walks to the ring like he’s going to do something about it, only to be stopped by Striker who offers a better idea. This idea involves making Novak look like a pussies by not going after Ziggler for calling him a loser, and taking out his frustrations on Saxton whose only crime was being more entertaining than Novak. The awful thing is for WWE, this makes perfect sense.

 

OFF TOPIC:  Is it bad that I’m looking forward to the end of Wrestlemania, only because its likely Mysterio and Cena will be off my TV for awhile?

 

BYRON SAXTON w/ chance in Hell of winning NXT

VS.

JACOB NOVAK w/ certainty of being eliminated tonight.

 

            The match up here ain’t bad, which is a shame considering what I predicted is going to happen to Novak. Story here is Novak has something to prove     to Dolph and is effectively taking out his aggressions on Saxton, who also looks good here now that he isn’t wrestling someone 3x his size.

 

            The commentary for this match is a great example of why I stopped listening to Josh and Grisham.  During this match, they argue over whether or not Vickie is planning to dump Dolph in favor of Novak… that’s the most retarded thing I’ve heard this week.

 

            End comes when Bryon hits… I have no fuckin idea. Feel free anyone to tell me, cause this move was weird. From what I saw, he grabs the guy from behind and locks in what looks to be a Tazmission then swings him into their knee then looks like he’s going to hit a Stroke type move but turns it into a clothesline to his opponents arm… and that’s his finisher?

 

WINNER: Byron Saxton

 

            Yeah, Novak is on his way home… and Byron, you need a new finisher. What the hell was that?

 

            We cut to the back where Curtis is with R Truth, where he’s either attempting a face turn or is just playing his Pro to help his potential title opportunity. The promo they cut here is once again weird. You know a promo makes no sense when R Truth is the better speaker. Curtis once again attempts to play the “So stupid, its funny” rule, which once again Kaitlyn did better… plus her promos made sense. Anyway, Truth pretends to tell Curtis to go fuck himself, only to come back embrace him. Curtis says something that makes very little sense. In fact, let me write it down:

 

“Truth. Curtis. A two man wolf pack traversing through the deserts of Arizona. Trying to Survive, becoming one. “

 

            See what I mean? Who the hell talks like that? Truth responds by telling him to go back where he came from. That’s a lie, but you may as well make that his catchphrase now.

 

            We get the threat of a Brodus Clay/Johnny Curtis match, as we had to WWE sponsored commercials.

 

OFF TOPIC: I probably watch Legendary or Knucklehead sometime after they stop advertising it… so 2013, I guess.

 

            We go to the RAW Rebound, as they show off the Triple Threat Steel Cage match to decide the number one contender… that is garbage. I’m sorry, and yes it’s awesome that WWE is making these matches safer for their employees… but damn if cage matches suck under the PG rating. Best example is when we came back from commercial break the first time, with Orton stuck on the top of the cage… and isn’t really tossed back in, but rather is gently plsced back in the ring. If you want a better-detailed reason why this match was subpar, check out Cameron Burge's RAW Review.

 

            We go from something awful to so something awesome, as we cut back to Derrick Bateman reverse chinlock’ing that dude who’s always back there while screaming “SUBMISSION! SUBMISSION WRESTLING!” Bateman is an example of “Stupid” comedy done well. Daniel Bryan comes in, and is happy to see him practicing the moves he taught him. Bateman does something worthy of note, and brings up the Bella Twin storyline that he’s trapped in. He offers to be his wingman on a double date between the four, He then says my favorite lines of the night:

 

Bateman: You know in High School, I was so good with chicks they called me Dr. Love.

Bryan:… No they didn’t!

Bateman: You’re right, I was home school, but that’s not the point!

 

            Good stuff, that finishes up with Bateman how the date will be done for America, and has an American Flag appear. My god, he is funny. The best is Daniel Bryan’s face during these segments. If he continues like this, it’ll definitely be him and Brodus in the finals. Sadly though, no mention of the night being Legendary… this date will take place next week.

 

            We then get a Saxton/Ziggler promo, where all it is is Saxton kissing Dolph’s ass and how awesome it would be to be the Unified Tag Champions. Commercials!

 

OFF TOPIC: I personally don’t like Orton. He has a cool finisher and that’s it.

 

            We are back, and we have the first (and actually only challenge) for tonight!

 

CHALLENGE! MIC BATTLE!!!

 

             Rules are pretty simple. The six Rookies battle each other on the mic in pairs of two. Those two then cut a 20 second promo against each other, with the crowd picking the winner. Those two then go to the finals, and all 3 winners face each other. Winner gets 4 immunity points, so unless one of the guys with zero immunity points gets it, we could get a tie or someone beating Curtis’ lead.

 

Brodus Clay vs. Johnny Curtis

           

Clay: Tells Curtis how funny it was when he manhandled him last week.

 

Curtis: Tells Brodus how funny it was when he punched him in the mouth. As Brodus was telling him that never happened, he punches him in the mouth (Good action movie line). A brawl almost ensues here.

 

            Striker gets a mic, and I’m expecting a DQ victory for Brodus, but he instead asks the all-knowing WWE Universe who won.

 

WINNER: Johnny Curtis 

 

            …okay, a small issue here. I’ve watched Striker and the officials be rule Nazi’s on this show for months. Making people redo the pushups in the obstacle course because a toe was outside the yellow square, almost DQ’ing Saxton in the wheelbarrow race because he rolled under the corner of the ring… and now they are having Curtis win a promo contest by punching a guy in the face? Really?

 

Derrick Bateman vs. Byron Saxton

           

Bateman: Actually points that Byron called ECW (saying he killed it), and calls him the lovechild of Carlton Banks and an ugly Carlton Banks. Funny stuff.

 

Saxton: Says when Bateman looks in a mirror, he will realize Saxton is better. Huh?

 

Winner: Bateman

 

Jacob Novak vs. Connor O’Brian

 

Novak: Highlight is a cut the cheese joke.

 

Connor: Makes Banana nose jokes at Novak  in “Yo’ Mama” style. This strikes me as an odd strategy, as Connor has a bigger nose!

 

WINNER: Connor

 

Connor vs. Bateman vs. Curtis

 

Curtis: After taking 10 of his 20 seconds to say “Derrick, Derrick, Derrick…” a bunch of times., highlight is Curtis saying he spends $250 for his perm. Has no time to say anything about Connor except he loves rats. Huh?

 

Bateman: Tells Curtis he’s a moustache away from being on “To Catch a Predator”. Yes people, Bateman just called Curtis a pedophile. He then gets to Connor, bringing up how his name is ripped off from Conan O’Brian. He says that makes sense, as they are exactly alike except Conan is funny, likeable, and makes people not want to change the channel. I love Bateman.

 

Connor: Makes more mama jokes at them.

           

            The winner is academic… you’d think…

 

WINNER: Connor

 

            And this is why WWE thinks the masses are dumbasses. And you can tell me I’m just being bias to Bateman, but I invite you to listen to the ending and tell me Bateman didn’t cut the best promo. Seriously? They went with mama jokes? Anyway, Connor had zero to begin with, so Curtis keeps his immunity.

 

            Up next is Brodus vs. Curtis… which I now notice kinda rhymes. Commercials!

 

OFF TOPIC: How awesome would it be if Dolph Ziggler won the World Title at Royal Rumble?

 

BRODUS CLAY

VS.

JOHNNY CURTIS

 

            The match is okay. It goes a long way at making both guys look really aggressive, I foresee some really physical makes between the two. My one qualm is Curtis was perhaps too aggressive, as I thought he was going toe to toe with Brodus a little too easily.

 

            The story (for me) in this match is Brodus revealing his new finisher. It’s an old school classic from WCW in fact, the Tongan Deathgrip. Twist here is he combines a chokeslam with it as well. Curtis gets here by being a little too aggressive and going after Dibiase for some reason, and leaves himself wide open.

 

WINNER: Brodus Clay

 

            Striker comes in to get an interview after the impressive win, and asks him what motivates him. Brodus once again shows he can cut a really good promo about feeling deep resentment towards others and never being held back again. It was pretty cool.

 

            Time to tally the votes. As I mentioned, Curtis is immune. Striker asks him who he thinks should be eliminated. He picks Brodus… because he can’t think of anything clever to say.

 

            Anyway, time to reveal the next elimination. BTW, we also find out the next elimination will be in another 2 weeks. Okay, its time for the reveal… oh would ya look at that.

 

Character Retrospective: Jacob Novak

 

BEGINNING: Looked like a thin Bruce Pritchard

 

NOW: Is toxic waste on the mic. Okay, in the ring, but otherwise is an uber generic character.

 

FUTURE: He’ll be supersizing your fries in a few months.

 

            Jacob is out, and he says his good byes. Or rather he tries to, as Ziggler mocks him the entire time. As Novak leaves, Ziggler gets in Masters face and calls him a loser since his Rookie is out, and proclaims himself to be a genius for dumping the dead weight. Masters responds to this by slapping on the Masterlock on Ziggler from behind, only for Ziggler to slip out and run away. Curtis and Brodus almost come to blows as the show ends.

 

            Anyway, its time for the mail!

 

READER MAILBAG!!!

 

            Steve Born writes in: “I noticed that you guys did not have a Fanny Awards page for 2009. I am wondering, will you do one for 2010? I hope so, it’s usually the best year in review.”

 

            Yes! As I mentioned in a previous column, the Fanny’s are returning. So you can expect them… soon… ish. Yeah, Sean Carless has been pretty silent, other than the questions are coming soon. But rest assured, you will be getting Fannys this year… Snicker.

 

            As for why we didn’t have one last year, I haven’t heard of a reason from Sean… so I’ll just make a theory or two. Personally, I think it’s due to the loss of writers that happened during that year. I recall there being such a drop that some of the shows didn’t even have writers to cover them for sometime.  It was around this time we lost the PPV recaps as well. I imagine there was a glimpse of hope with the arrival Marx Rayner (Whose columns I really do miss. His gimmick and style were hilarious), but sadly I guess he got sick of writing.

 

            Thankfully, we’ve gotten some really good and disciplined writers since then who have stuck it out and given great columns. After we get a few more satire ones, I think the site will be back to its former glory.

 

            But I digress, Fanny will be returning this year. Bank on it! 

 

            @EffinFalcone tweets: “You said Brodus did a T Bone Suplex on Saxton at the end of NXT. It was a Tazplex, his arms were around the upper torso.”

 

            ….Huh, so it was. My bad! Good eye though, I saw him duck under the arm, and assumed it was a T Bone.

 

If you have a question for me about anything, write me at:

 

Twitter: @NotintheMiddle

Email: Malcolmnotinthemiddle@gmail.com

 

            I want to apologize for the lateness of this column, as a lot of stuff has been going on and I got held up. I will warn you that next week may be a repeat as there is an office part on Tuesday night, but this lateness will be a rarity!

 

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”:  Tie between the announcement of the Tag Title match being the prize for tonight, and that promo Bateman did.

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  Giving it to Curtis’ promo skills tonight.

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  So when given the task of picking someone with the best mic skills, they give it to the guy who is just crackin “Yo’ Mama” jokes? The future in wrestling is very grim…

 

 SEND FEEDBACK TO MALCOLM NOT IN THE MIDDLE.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).