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by Malcolm not in the Middle

Hello people, and welcome to another episode of the NXT Rant. Initial reactions to me becoming a writer here has been amazing… meaning there has been absolutely no response. But hey, let’s look on the bright side. No one is talking to me, yes. However, no one is saying “You fucking suck” either. See? There’s a bright side to everything.

I wanted to introduce a new segment this week called Character Spotlight. It’s sorta necessary to start this one this week, considering the first guy will be cut from the competition next week. Now this part was written before the start of this week’s show, just to see how well I call it. So without further ado:

Character Spotlight: Michael Tarver

In the beginning: I was really excited for this one. His initial promo package was very impressive, and I thought he was cool. He was a wrestler with a boxing background who trained with Mike Tyson. You got to admit, that sounds pretty badass. While his nickname “Mr. 1.5 Seconds” (or whatever, I forget the number) is a REALLY easy to make fun of, it did bring out my interest in how much skill he had. So like all things in the first episode, he showed a lot of promise….

Now: What the hell happened?! Actually I think I know what happened. Let’s travel back just before the first NXT Show:

VINCE: Hey Tarver! Ready to make history?!
TARVER: Yes sir, looking forward to making an impact.
VINCE: Great to hear… um yeah, little thing though. We need ya to drop the whole boxing gimmick….
TARVER: What?! Why?!
VINCE: Thing is, Big Show already has a boxing gimmick and I’d rather have just one boxer.
TARVER: No does not have a boxing gimmick! He throws one punch! Sides, so what if we have the same finishing move? I mean how many people in this fed use a chokeslam or spear as a finish?
VINCE: Just the same, I want you to stop. Actually, if you could not throw punches period; that would be great.

I assume that’s what happened, either that or Tarver is an idiot. I can actually count on one hand how many times I’ve seen him throw a punch. Also the fact he refuses to take part in any of the challenges is also weird. Its like he realized he had no chance of winning and gave up.

The fact he was paired with the laziest wrestler in pro wrestling ain’t doing him any favors either. I will say he’s taking in all the knowledge from Carlito amazingly. I mean, Carlito is a huge jobber, and Tarver is doing just at. As of this writing, he stands at a 0-7 record.

Predictions: He’s so getting eliminated first, its not even funny. He’s yet to win a match or even show off a finisher. For his elimination, I predict the following:

Next week, they announce that there is a tie for last place between Tarver and Daniel Bryan. They’ll have a match to decide who’s getting the axe and it will main event the program. I dunno how good he’ll look, but Tarver will lose. As far as past that, maybe he’ll be Ted’s new Virgil… if he’s lucky.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: I was a little off on this prediction. Read on to find out...)

Going to have to give props to Barrett and Bryan. I thought they looked good facing off against Cena and Batista. I think Daniel has a bit of an uphill climb ahead of him; as I had no idea how small he was. Barrett looked very natural out there, and looked good.

Two gripes however:

1) Why the hell is Barrett still coming out to that gawd awful song? He won a challenge a month ago to get his own music, what is taking so long? I so hate that theme song!

2) Why does Cena suddenly become a technical wrestler when he’s fighting an NXT guy? Am I suppose to believe the technical skills of someone like Batista is so high, Cena is forced to use street fighting as opposed to technical wrestling?

NXT is coming from Charleston, SC this week. Apparently, WWE read my review about last week about having the stupidest challenge I’ve ever seen. Well, the writers it appears got together and said “No way! We can make something even worse!” And boy did they ever. This week, it’s an obstacle course. With obstacles so ludicrous, it makes King of the Mountain match easy to follow. Check this course out:

1) Swing across monkey bars
2) Climb the suspended ladder
3) Ring bell
4) Run back down to ringside
5) Climb over guard rail, and run up steps to vendors area
6) Drink a beverage
7) Run back down steps
8) Juggle for 5 seconds in the ring
9) Dizzy bat challenge outside of the ring
10) Push cart up ramp and across line

... watch it roll, and hit the pole, which flips the man into the pan... sorry, Mouse Trap flashback.

Those of you expecting a blow-by-blow account of this farce, go fuck yourself. This night was actually one of the biggest tests of my patience. Which is really depressing as this show used to be really cool. Plus, these rookies can’t run a course to save their lives. For example, you know which part gave them the most problems? Drinking the beverage, I kid you not. It took most of them 15-30 seconds to finish a cup! Steve Austin would have finished those drinks in 2 seconds easy! Instead, I’ll give ya the times and anything of note about the run.

First up, Daniel Bryan who finished with 2:45.5. To be fair, Daniels was selling the rib injury he received after three Batista Bombs. Miz comes out to be awesome. Badmouths Bryan for not winning despite his injuries, and points out injuries are no excuse in prowrestling… unless you’re holding a big envelope marked “DOCTOR’S NOTE”. Miz also makes sure to destroy my first prediction by announcing Tarver vs. Bryan tonight… and its next? Sheesh, that’s cold.

COMMERICALS: God of War: Ghost of Sparta has been announced for PSP. It its anything like Chains of Olympus, its going to be epic!


(Losing) Streak vs. (Losing) Streak! The match actually has a nice back and forth between the two. Tarver focusing on ground-and-pound tactics, while Bryan uses his quickness and submission skills. Tarver starts whipping Bryan in the corner posts, and tries for a clothesline. Bryan however blocks with a boot and follows up with dropkick. Tarver reverses and applies a chinlock… to commercials?!

COMMERICALS: I’ve heard rumblings that Red Dead Redemption is a game of the year candidate. I dunno about that, but any game where you can just shoot someone, kill and eat an endangered species, and gamble is worth at least a rental.

Back from the commercials and the match is still going. Daniel kicks Tarver like 12 times with some of the stiffest kicks I’ve seen in a long time. After a near fall, he locks on an armbar. Tarver uses his power and lifts Bryan up and powerbombs him. Tarver then hits a weird looking powerslam that looks like someone hit the rewind button mid way through and goes for a pin… for three!?

Taver now 1-7
Bryan now 0-10
Wait a second, that was his finisher? Seriously? A powerslam? Really? That beat Bryan? Really?

Afterwards, Miz ain’t happy. He watches with no qualms as Carlito hits a Backstabber on Bryan, and than celebrates with Tarver. Miz sits down and lectures him about him being a complete loser.

They show a replay of Darren Young selling magazines and telling people he would use the prize to fight CM Punk. We then cut to Darren Young in the back with the Straight Edge Society. Punk isn’t happy, and this is a surprising bit of continuity by WWE. Punk tells Young that he isn’t going to make an impact at the expense of him or his Society. He warns him to figure out who is, and to win the challenge. I must say Young gets a little more interesting as I see him.

Oh joy, more obstacle courses….

Slater gets a 1:36.9

Darren Young’s run is pretty unfortunate. Literally, everything that could have gone wrong did. The suspended ladder swayed away from bell, and he had to wait till it came back, he got stuck in the ladder coming down, the soda really kicked his butt, and he tripped going over the rail. His run was literally the only good thing to come of the challenge. He finished with time of 2:07.8

Commercials: Metal Gear Peacewalker looks to be a solid (no pun intended) addition to he Metal Gear canon… it’s just a shame is a PSP game.

Justin Gabriel is up, and he kicks the shit out of this course. You know why? He was the only guy who knew how to chug a soda. On top of that, he’s a naturally fast guy. He went so fast, he even had time to pause going up the stairs, and pose with a fan. He finishes with a time of 1:29.0 and becomes the new leader.

David Otunga finishes with a time of 1:35.0 seconds. Only thing of note about his run is his whining about his soda not being Diet in the beverage section.

This show’s writers reveal they’re actually huge jerks, by having Otunga have his one on one fight with R Truth immediately after his obstacle course run. Yeah, sounds completely fair. I guess all the dancing and singing R Truth does to the ring wears him out enough to make it fair.


I’m actually pulling for Otunga here, as I cannot stand Truth. I will give him credit for recently starting to talk and show some personality, aside from the lyrics to that stupid song of his. However, his character for the most part just singing. However, it could be worse. Anyone remember Pretty Ricky?

Truth starts off slapping Otunga in the face, and using the quickness. Otunga reverses and rams Truth’s shoulder into the post and kneeing him… as we go into commercials…

COMMERICALS: Chaos Rings is a surprisingly deep rpg on the iPhone. I never thought I’d be seriously using my iTouch as a game console, until I saw and played this one. Definitely worth the price!

Otunga still in control coming back, but Truth starts flipping and break dancing. Axe kick and a Lie Detector later, this one is over.

Otunga is now 4-4

Truth is now helping his rookie lose, making him officially the worst pro here. Anywho, R Truth celebrates his victory by have an epileptic seizure in the middle of the ring, as we cut to Cole who briefly reverts back to his stupid RAW state, as Josh sends us back to Striker with the next challenger.

Barrett is up, and tries the monkey bars but keeps falling. After the third time, he says hell with it and gives up. In his defense, he really has nothing to worry about as far as being eliminated.

Sheffield is up next, and this run reveals how much of a douche Striker is. Sheffield finishes at 1:31.2, so just misses Gabriel’s time. However, Striker yells out “Congratualtions Sheffield!” and Skip starts to celebrate thinking he got the best time… till he sees his time, and you can see the joy leave his face. Striker: You’re an idiot and a douche.

COMMERICALS: Crud, I dunno of anymore game news…. Um, stay away from Ninjabread Man on Wii. Second thought, stay away from the Wii period.

Back with Tarver… who actually participates! Kind of necessary when everyone knows you’re most likely to be eliminated and the prize is immunity. However, this course also shows how much of a loser Tarver is, as he taps out to a beverage. I’m not kidding. He gets to the soda, and has trouble drinking, and I mean a lot of trouble. So much so, he spits it out and slaps the counter like he was tapping out. The dude just give up against soda! WTF!?

Tarver is now 1-8
Soda is now 1-0

Anyway, Gabriel wins and thus has no worries about being eliminated next week. They decide to bludgeon us with boring remarks from the rookies, whose remarks sound like a bad teen drama. Striker asks for comments from Justin Gabriel, and he’s just happy Otunga didn’t win, and makes a badly written joke on his ego. Otunga tells Gabriel that the Nelson ratings go higher when he’s on.

Tarver gives a promo about how he should be eliminated first cause no one is safe from him if he stays on. This would have been a lot more powerful, if it weren’t for the fact that he was 1-7. From here, Sheffield and Slater both agree Tarver should be cut, and Tarver takes expectation to this… despite just saying he should be the first one eliminated.

Bryan looks like he’s about to cry as he says he should probably get cut as he has yet to win a match, which is fair.

Darren Young then admits he’s actually John Cena, and wipes the paint off. No, but that would have been cool. He says he should win because he wants it more. He then gets in all the rookies’ faces about it, till he gets to Barrett who pie faces him. CATFIGHT! NXT ends with Barrett and Young rolling around on the floor.

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”: Wasn’t a whole lot good tonight. I’ll give it to Darren Young’s run through the obstacle course, which was the only good thing of the challenge.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: Tarver taps out to a Pepsi.

Lousy show. LOUSY! They challenge was so awful, you could tell even the announcers thought they were stupid. Oh well, tune in next week as the challenge will be who can sew the most John Cena shirts in the sweatshop in 5 minutes! And who is in charge of the commercials breaks? We had breaks in the middle of every match, but heaven forbid it interrupts one of those stupid challenges.

Malcolm not in the Middle… out.



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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).