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WWE NXT RANT

by Emerson Witner

August 23, 2011


WWE NXT: Redemption
Season 5, Episode 25
August 23, 2011
LIVE! From Calgary.........Alberta, Canada

by Emerson “I could go for a half-gallon of Farmer's Tea” Witner

First off the big news: I did not get hit with an Earthquake! Nope, John Tenta approves of me. Must be a hyooge NXT fan. But on a serious note, hope everyone who was affected is well and/or gets better.

Also good luck/congratulations to the Lock Haven, PA Little League team who apparently is doing well in the Little League World Series. Happy, Brian?

-I felt we should start with some FAQ's. Not asked of me usually, but asked in general...

Q: When the (insert expletive here) is this season ending?
A: Before WrestleMania XXVIII

Q: Who the (insert expletive here) still watches this?
A: Me.

Q: Do I have to be Steve Lundquist?
A: Kids, no one wants to be Steve Lundquist...not even Steve Lundquist.

-Back to the serious business that is NXT. Last week Season 3 Rookie Diva Maxine returned and is Derrick Bateman's love interest. She also beat up A.J. And awkwardly distracted Titus O'Neil en route to a DB victory.

-Matt Striker attempts to intro the show, when he is interrupted by Darren Young. Striker coming out here every week makes DY sick. Darren said his job the last two weeks as been beating Striker's ass.

Striker admitted that he can't beat Darren Young. Darren wants Matt to say that Darren is the future of WWE and Matt is a washed up talent who couldn't hack it.

Striker balks at saying such things. He says that while DY has been in the gym the last few weeks, Striker has been on the beach and watching hockey. Matt finally says Darren is the future and the favorite to win.

Finally Darren attacks Striker...but Mr. Regal runs in for the save!!! By the way, did anyone else catch Mr. Regal and an “Injured” Yoshi Tatsu in the battle royal on SmackDown last week.

-Tyson Kidd walks into the locker room and someone has messed up his bags and left strange Japanese characters on his suit bag. One Japanese wrestler in WWE, but it is a huge mystery as to who did it.

-Speaking of Tyson Kidd, he is out for our first match of the night, as hometown boy Tyson Kidd goes one on one with...Trent Barreta of all people.

Mr. Regal says he is tired of Darren Young disrespecting the old pro's. He also says that the man who degraded Tyson's suit bag was either Yoshi Kwan or Killer Khan.

Allegedly they have wrestled 4 times before and Tyson won all 4 times. The law of averages dictates that Trent wins here in Tyson's hometown.

The fans are sort of into this, but not as much as some of the crowds for the Tyson-Yoshi matches a few weeks ago.

They randomly went to commercial during a WhatAManeuver. It was very important that we saw the commercial for WWE All Stars and WWE Tremblers.

Tyson went for a Springboard Something, but Trent hit a dropkick while Tyson was in mid-air.

Holy shit. Tyson Kidd has abs. Tyson caught Trent trying to baseball slide him on the outside, flipped him around and hit a Twisting DDT.

Back on the outside Trent hit a Springboard Twisting Cannonball Dive onto Tyson, rolled him back in and only got a 2 count. If Randy Orton did it, the roof would come off. Trent Barreta did it in Tyson Kidd's hometown...and he got polite applause.

A fun series of reversing roll ups, led to Tyson going for the Sharpshooter and Trent rolled him up for a 2 count!

Tyson with a Rolling Half Crab! Mr. Regal gets in a Lance Storm reference, saying Lance is in the audience, but Trent gets to the ropes.

Uh-oh! Japanese character on the titan tron time! Tyson gets distracted and Trent hits a Tornado DDT and Trent fucking Barreta finally beats Tyson Kidd in Tyson's hometown. I called it!

Trent won in 15:02.

-Tonight's main event is C.M. Punk vs John Cena with the winner getting a WWE Title shot at Night Of Champions! I predict Kevin Nash will distract Punk and Cena will win. After the match Alberto Del Rio attacks Cena.

Pfft, I don't think it'll happen either.

-Commercial for Super SmackDown next Tuesday. No word on what happens to NXT. Is Super Smackdown like Super Nintendo?

-Video from last week airs of the Bateman-Titus/Hornswoggle stuff. Backstage Derrick tells Maxine that they will be bigger than Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire.

Maxine wants rid of Hornswoggle and A.J. Derrick says he has a plan.

-AJ is out next, about to go one on one with Maxine. Hornswoggle is in the corner of AJ and DB is in the corner of Maxine.

-Before the match gets started they show us a commercial hyping up what's gonna happen this Monday on Raw after what happened last night. That was well timed, since it's supposed to be a mystery what they are gonna show in the main event.

Maxine now has her own theme. I am sure this match has happened on NXT before and I am sure I have reviewed it, but I am not gonna dig through the archives.

No Titus O'Neil yet. At least he got to pour champagne on Kofi and Evan last night.

I really wanted a Maxine-Kaitlyn rematch, but no.

This match was not the worst match of the year, so it was just regular bad.

Mr. Regal has decided to speak loud enough for no one to hear him. I swear he just said Maxine speaks English. Todd asked if she speaks Canadian.

After 6 minutes Derrick Bateman decided to stalk Hornswoggle. DB shoved the midget to the ground and Maxine school girl'd AJ for the win in 6:21.

Titus O'Neil is a day late and a dollar short as he runs to the ring at top speed, causing DB and Maxine to leave the ring.

On the grand scale of things, this was not as boring as Young Stallions vs The Islanders in a 2-out-of-3 falls match.

-This Friday night: Bret Hart is the General Manager of SmackDown. This was announced exclusively on WWE.com and NXT. You know, as opposed to Raw.

-Punk vs Cena from last night aired. Hey, you'll never guess what happened. Cena won when Nash interfered. After the match Alberto beat down Cena. Go figure.

-So that is it from NXT. Tune in next week when we reach the HALF-YEAR MARK for this season of NXT. Yes, we hit 26 episodes next Tuesday night, in theory at 10:00 pm.

-If you enjoy my writing, check out my weekly Royal Rumble series on AngryMarks.com. A new edition usually goes up either Sunday or Monday.

And if you have any questions, comments, concerns or emotional outbursts (or can hook me up with a supplier for Farmer's Tea) send 'em my way at ewitner@yahoo.com!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).