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WWE NXT RANT

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

7/19/11


Damn... Sunday night was awesome.

I could go on and on about that match. You know, everyone spent so much time talking about the end of the match, I don't think we ever considered it was going to be a good. It was a fair assumption, one of the guys was John Cena after all. I guess we assumed it would be the usual "Other guy beats up Cena for 15 minutes, and then he hits 5 moves and its over" type of deal. Nope! That ladies and gentlemen was the match of the year, and WWE can go fuck themselves if the think Taker/HHH is taking it! A few botches yes, but that folks was match of the year.

Kudos to John Cena, no seriously. He showed me something last night, and I wish we saw it more often. And to CM Punk... I honestly don't know what the future is for you... But thank you for that. Whether it was the start of something grand or a really awesome one-off, thank you for the awesome memory. I am so happy I changed my mind, and got it on PPV. I will NEVER forget that match for the rest of my life.

Given the fact that the "Doofus Son-in-Law" is the new Mr. McMahon, the opportunity seems too good for Punk to be gone... but once again, thanks Punk. Everyone else, I advise everyone to just enjoy the ride. I think we're in for an awesome time in wrestling.

BTW, I would like to take the time to offer congrats to long time friend of the column and myself, DN Spunk(Follow him on twitter: @XDustinEFLX). Despite not winning LTR (and to be fair, he didn't lose either O_o) he has gotten a job on www.camelclutchblog.com recapping Smackdown and TNA Impact. He actually reached a great milestone in the life of a wrestling recapper... a wrestler wrote him and told he he didn't know what he was talk about. Lucky dog too, as the wrestler in question was TNA's Madison Rayne. What did she say?

You sir, are a d*ckhead. Get a real job. =) Thats all!

In honor of Mr. Spunk's new venture, this week's OFF TOPIC will be responses he should have gave miss Rayne. Good times. ^_^

Lame ass opening, and we start off with Mayrse and Striker in the ring... with a punching bag. Fuck, its a stupid challenge, isn't it? BTW, I'd like to take this time to congratulate Daniel Bryan for doing the shocker of the night, and winning SD's Money in the Bank. Now, don't do anything silly like wait to cash it in at Wrestlemania or something. Maryse takes the time to announce "Her NXT Rookies." Um, her NXT Rookies? I was seriously just joking about her being the NXT GM.... really? Her Rookies?

They come down... and its a challenge....

CHALLENGE! KILL THE PUNCHING BAG AND IMPRESS THE CROWD!!!

No seriously. Here's the challenge: They Rookies are given a punching bag, and they have to do something to it to impress the crowd... No really. The bag has Michael Cole's face on it, btw. This is without a doubt one of the dumbest challenges they have ever done. Not on par with some of the stupidity of Season 1, but dumb.

Another thing, why are they still doing challenges? Its obvious that Titus is going to win. Not only does he so many redemption points that its impossible for him to be eliminated (Though I'm still kind of unsure what those points do) but he's the only face! It was over the moment Bateman turned heel. This is worse than a SuperCena match! This is a SuperCena match that lasts for several months!

You know what? Fuck it. Do you really need me to even recap these anymore?

Bateman: Makes fun of Titus' dog bark in a boring promo. He then drops two elbows, an Earthquake splash, and a back suplex on the bag. He then points at Titus, and tells him he can have all the Redemption points he wants, cause he's taking NXT. Titus responds by looking like he just smelled a fart.

Darren Young: Pushes over the bag and says this is the dumbest challenge yet. I can definitely see the argument. He makes fun of Titus, he walks at him so he leaves the ring.

Titus: Barks, tells Derrick he did a nice job hitting the bag, and to try and do that on him. Derrick does nothing. Titus then picks up the bag and throws it at Darren, cause he's a face. Barks and scene!

Gee, I wonder who won?

WINNER: Titus O'Neil

Seriously, just declare Titus the winner already! We then get told we will have Koslov vs. JTG tonight, cause we need to appreciate Punk vs. Cena more.

OFF TOPIC:Least no one calls my columns "Piss Breaks"!

VLADMIR KOSLOV VS JTG

After Koslov comes out, JTG comes out and cuts a promo I barely understand.... cut to commercial!

OFF TOPIC:Oh, go work for a real fed!

This is a Superstars match if ever there was one... no fuck that, it was a Sunday Night Heat. It was very generic and by the numbers. The talented wrestler (Heel) has to carry the beloved but talentless wrestler (Face) to a decent match. By decent, I mean JTG beats him up for the entire match until Koslov hits his moveset at the end for the win.

WINNER: Koslov

We then go backstage, with Maryse walking until Hornswoggle runs up to her holding the candy from last week. Maryse rolls her eyes, and repeatedly tells the spud that it wasn't her and that it will never be her. Once again, she's telling Hornswoggle point blank no. So Hornswoggle responds as you'd expect... he grabs and starts humping her leg... kill me. Maryse flings hornswoggle against the wall, and storms off. Hornswoggle looks defeated, as a deliver guy walks up to him and gives him another package... its an alien doll. Okaaaay...

We then cut back to my "favorite wrestler", Yoshi Tatsu. Who walks to the back to see his toy shrine destroyed. He responds by screaming "TYYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOON!"... okay, that was actually pretty funny.

As we cut to commerical, we are told that the next match.... no, no, no. Not again... NO! NO!!! Titus vs. Darren again?!?!?

OFF TOPIC:To quote AJ Styles, "Shut up, Hooker!"

TITUS O'NEIL VS DARREN YOUNG

I ain't going into depth with this one. I hate this match about as much as I like Yoshi Tatsu character! Interesting note, Titus likes to shout "WIN!" a lot during his matches now... Yeah, I think its stupid too.Oh, and Derrick Bateman is out.

OFF TOPIC:Oh go bend over a rope!

Long story short, Darren works his ass off making Titus look credible. Titus doesn't belong in a wrestling ring, but he will win and join Andy amongst the ranks of stupidest winners to a contest ever. End comes as Derrick Bateman trips Titus as he's going for a dropkick that hurts both guys. Fortunately for Titus, he's a generic face, so he doesn't have to sell. He just hits Darren with Clash of the Titus for the win.

WINNER: Titus O'Neil

FUCK THIS MATCH!

We start to go into the RAW recap... and someone else already covered it!

END OF SHOW!

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”: TYYYYYYYYSSSSSSOOOOOON!

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: We get not only two horrid match, but a terrible challenge and two putrid backstage segments. In general, a terrible show.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Why are they doing Titus vs. Darren when they just got Derrick Bateman back?

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).