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by Malcolm Not in the Middle


Hey guys, and welcome to the rant... God damn I love CM Punk. I'd ask if any of you saw the promo, but considering where I am, thats kind of like asking an orphan if they could wish for anything, what would it be?

I'm going to save rant on the interview for the end, cause let's be serious, they're just going to replay the whole freaking thing as the main event tonight anyway. I will say that last night's promo did it for me... I have to see Money in the Bank now. I have to see where they are going with CM Punk. Do I think they are ultimately going to drop the ball with this? Chances are yes. I think that, despite the fan support and limitless potential of it all, Vince will let Punk walk out that door without issue. I hope I'm wrong. You have no idea how much I'm hoping I'm wrong.... but its WWE after all.

So I'm watching going to watch it as a fan, because thats the chance we take as fans sometimes. Sunday will either be a really depressing moment as we watch arguably the best wrestler in the world leave the WWE... or WWE shows us why they became the number one wrestling company in the first place, and give us some amazing television.

We are perhaps on the cusp of an amazing moment in wrestling. Maybe a return to glory, so to speak. I have to see it, pass or fail, I have to see what unfolds... Damn its a shame all WWE PPVs aren't like this.

Anyway, to say the promo has me a little energized is an understatement. I downloaded the thing and put it on my ipod actually. I've been listening to it nonstop all day during work as well. However, I'm sure you guys are sick of all the CM Punk ramblings by now, and I'm confident that I'll be able to keep the CM Punk stuff to a minimum.

That being said, for today's OFF TOPIC I'll be mentioning my favorite points from the CM Punk promo last night! HYPOCRISY!

We open off with a nice package that shows off Derrick Bateman's return to the ring, and showing him and Bryan defeating Darren and Titus. Dumb opening later, and we are in the arena. Derrick Bateman comes out... to his own music!? WTF?! I mean, don't get me wrong its just generic rock, but still! A Rookie has theme music! He walks over to Regal and shakes his hand. Regal and Grisham then proceed to make fun of him after this. So just to recap, you will get the same reaction from Regal whether you show him respect or challenge him to a fight... that's really lame.

With Grisham and Regal shitting on him in the background, Derrick Bateman cuts an okay promo. He says he was begged to come back to save and redeem NXT Redemption as the Rookies are garbage. Honestly, I can't disagree with him. The fans than start to boo him as he's acting like a fucking heel... Damn it, Bateman! You were my last hope of someone beating Titus O'Neil!

Darren out to the generic NXT theme still, proving that Bateman is getting special treatment. Darren basically cuts a face promo, and thus confuses the fuck out of me. He then goes on about how he's done more than any other Rookie in this competition, including the fact he main evented Summerslam (For a minute) and wrestled John Cena (and lost in 5 minutes). He of course leaves out the part about getting kicked out of Nexus, wrestling on Superstars for a year, and apparently being demoted from Superstar to Rookie.

Derrick interrupts him when he starts putting over Titus, saying Titus is over because of a bark and a leprechaun. I can't argue with that either. This promo from Derrick is getting close to Punk levels of truth. This brings out Titus, out to Swoggle's music. Before he can say anything, Derrick cuts him off and tells him to shut up. He says we all know whats coming, and he just going to make a cheap pop and rip off his gimmick from season 4... Damn Derrick, you are honest.

This brings out Maryse... who is apparently the GM? She says since the temperature was over 90 in New Hampshire today, they will wrestle in a triple threat elimination match to start the show. And no, that wasn't the real reason for this match, but it makes as much sense as anything else on this show.

OFF TOPIC: The WWE Anti-Bullying campaign is hypocrisy at its best (worst?).


This match was... okay I guess. It told a good story, and the action for the most part was good. I honestly think I wasn't too hot for this match because I've seen Titus and Darren wrestle each other so much, that I get pissed off whenever they wrestle each other in some form. I really was happy to see them team up last week, cause at least it was something different.

Humorous thing of the night goes to Derrick for actually yelling "Yoink!" when he schoolboys Titus. Titus pretty much destroys both guys, who then meet up outside and decide that (since they're both heels now) they'll take out Titus together. They then proceed to double team Titus for the rest of the match, who Cena's up from time to time.

This continues till Darren eventually attacks Derrick for no reason (Shocker) and tries to take out Titus himself. In another shocker, Titus easily comes back with a Clash of the Titus. Derrick however nails Titus with a dropkick, and gets the pin.

OFF TOPIC: Colt Cabana and Luke Gallows should have never been fired.

Its one on one now, and christ Titus is limited in that ring. He does the Vader splash to Derrick like 10 times. I was shocked by how much of his offense is throwing people into a corner and splashing him.I see now why they kept putting him in with Darren; apparently he's really good at making people look good.

Announcers also confirm what I've been saying for a year now, and say that this contest is a really big popularity contest. So why 2 of the 3 finalists have decided to be heels is beyond me. Oh, a testament to how popular these 3 are, the biggest pop went to Daniel Bryan, who was standing at ringside.Yup, future is bright for these three.

End comes when Titus misses with a really horrible looking flying clothesline. This allows Derrick to hit the "Ripping Off the Skull Crushing Finale" for the win.

WINNERS: Derrick Bateman

Derrick looks strong... too bad he's going to lose to Titus.

OFF TOPIC: WWE Ice Cream Bars should be brought back.

We then get a promo for MitB, the actual matches. Matches are good, as in I could see any of these guys winning it. If I had to pick winners, I say Cody Rhodes for Smackdown and R-Truth for RAW.

We then go to Yoshi Tatsu in the back, who's still lost his mind as he still has a shrine to his action figure. Striker walks up to him and asks him why is this an issue and why can't he just buy a new action figure? Oh my god! Thats the most intelligent question from Striker EVER! Yoshi answers that by breaking his action figure, Kidd has taken Yoshi's honor. He says he'll get back his honor and get his leg back from Kidd.... I hate this angle. We are promised Yoshi vs. Kidd III. Should be good.

OFF TOPIC: New England became the Yankees a long time ago.

Next WWE surprises me, and does the RAW recap now, instead of having it end the show. Hopefully, this is the first of many surprises WWE gives me this week.

As for my opinion of the promo... I honestly didn't think Punk could surpass the promo from 2 weeks ago, and crap I was wrong. I haven't been that energized like that from a promo in a long time. Honestly, not even the Rock's return had me this pumped! Punk, and I know you all have heard this to deaf, is gold. Fuck it, he's beyond gold he's platinum! And if he does in fact leave WWE this Sunday... Vince should retire, because he's lost his mind.

I love how Punk's new gimmick is basically that he's the IWC. Its official, he's the official favorite of the IWC. I mean he basically ran through a laundry list of stuff we all have been saying for years! Let's go down the list!

1. The WWE title is really ugly
2. WWE dropped ball and fires people who don't deserve it
3. John Cena stopped being an underdog about 6 title reigns ago
4. The WWE trying not to be a wrestling fed
5. Vince is out of touch with today's wrestling fan

Amazing stuff. I loved it.... But did WWE love it? That question will be answered Sunday when Cena wins clean.... sigh.

Oh god damn it, it's Hornswoggle. Who is drunk off Root Beer, cause that makes about as much sense as a child with facial hair. He's pining over a picture of Maryse, and why is he pining over her? Why does anyone fall for this woman? She's made it abundantly clear she's a bitch, and that she uses people for money! Titus comes in and asks why he left him alone at there... because if there's anyone who knows a lot about wrestling, its a guy who spends most of his life under it. Titus tells him he needs to snap out of it, but Swoggle is dumb. A delivery guy suddenly comes in, and gives hornswoggle a heart shape box with candy. Hornswoggle, being a moron, immediately assumes its from Maryse and is happy.... WHY THE FUCK IS THIS GUY OVER!?

It goes from bad to who gives a crap as we go to a backstage segment with Koslov and JTG. For the one guy who gives a shit, JTG bets Koslov can't look more gangster than him... kill me.

OFF TOPIC: Cena ever being called an underdog is fucking stupid.


You should watch this match. Excellent wrestling, and they are really showing off that they know each other really well at this point. Only thing as usual, is the realization that its a feud over an action figure. Its like watching Triple H vs. Chris Jericho for the Title at Wrestlemania... and realizing its because Chris ran over Hunter's pet bulldog Lucy. But its worth a watch.

Ends with a rollup on Kidd after he misses with a moonsault... cause thats how you settle a blood feud. Viscously rolling him up!

WINNERS: Yoshi Tatsu

Yoshi celebrates and goes to take back his action figure's leg to "reclaim his honor" but luckily Kidd is able to recover from that brutal roll up and knock out Yoshi, and take back the leg. Wow... I think NXT has realized this match has nothing else going for it but this series of matches.


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”: Both matches in all honesty were really good.

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: All the backstage segments were absolute balls. Swoggle getting drunk off root beer? Koslov and JTG fighting over who's more fly? Yoshi believes a toy will regain his honor? KILL ME!

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Why does only Derrick get theme music?

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).