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by Malcolm Not in the Middle


Hey guys, and welcome to the rant. Have some big news about the future of this rant. So stay tuned for that. Until then, let's get to it. For OFF TOPIC this week, CM is leaving. It’s official due to the grandstanding of GLAAD, and an unnecessary stipulation from Vince McMahon to the MitB match. Even worse, WWE owns the rights to the CM Punk name now. This being WWE, they may decide to burn the bridge to the ground and not let him have his name. WWE is that stupid. So to help him out, I'm going to give some suggestions for new names and gimmicks for the Punker. Don't get excited, they all suck.

So we recap the whole ending of last week, including Derrick Bateman and Daniel Bryan, currently the best thing to happen to this shitfest of a "reality series". Which goes into the opening sequence, which I mention for two points. 1) Darren Young is now listed by himself, and 2) they have officially shoehorned Derrick Bateman in there.

We start off with a default opening, and perhaps one of the most ridiculous explanations ever by Striker, who goes over the whole stupid Redemption points, which have yet to serve any purpose. He reminds us that they don’t give you immunity. Instead they are just in case there is a tie between the Pros and the WWE Universe. So once again, if there is a tie between the 6 NXT Pros and the over 1,000,000 WWE viewers, we go to the Redemption points… this season sucks.

On top of this, we go over the leader boards. They go over the scores, and it makes you wonder why they are even doing these challenges. Titus has 22 points, Darren has 7, and Derrick has 0 cause he just got here. Really they should just let Titus head to the Finals. Do they really think either Derrick or Darren have chance to surpass him? Especially with 75% of the challenges being voted on by the fucking WWE Universe. Sorry guys, but Vince is right… we don’t know what we want.

In any event, we head to our next challenge…


Everyone knows this one by now. The Rookies all cut promos about why they are the best, and then Titus O’Neil wins because the crowd is stupid enough to think they are voting for Hornswoggle.

Darren Young:Gotta give him credit, I thought it was a very good promo. His promo makes a good point about Derrick Bateman, and how it’s BS that he got in so late in the competition after him and Titus have been basting their asses for several months. However, he’s a heel, so the crowd knows only to boo him.

Titus O’Neil: Titus says he understands where Darren is coming from, and calls Derrick Andy Sandberg… which is pretty much the height of this promo. He brings up that he has been dominating with points, matches, and promos (Your promos still suck, Titus), and that he has nothing to worry about. The horrid thing about this promo? He’s absolutely right.

Derrick Bateman: Sorta drones on, and just gets some goes for cheap pops when possible… which unfortunately doesn’t work as Titus has really sent this crowd against Derrick.

So its decision time, and what a shocker, they can’t figure out who to choose. In an even bigger shocker, they decide to give the decision to the WWE Universe. And in the biggest swerve ever, they go with Titus O’Neil.

Winner: Titus O’Neil

And in a funny touch, Regal craps on all three. Can’t say I blame him. We are then shown a graphic showing a rematch for Kidd vs. Yoshi II. This match has me torn. On the one side, these two have awesome chemistry and really make a great match… but it’s a feud over a fucking toy.

OFF TOPICMC Punk:white Rapper who doesn’t suck ass in the ring. Its original because the other white rapper sucks in the ring.


Kidd, by the way, is wearing a pendant with the Yoshi Tatsu action figure’s leg on it… sigh. They also replay the whole reason for this feud with Kidd destroying the Yoshi action figure. They show Yoshi losing it and showing some major rage… which would be cool if it wasn’t for the fact that it was due to a broken toy… that he could easily get at a local Walgreens. And that this is the first emotion I’ve seen from him, even after being dumped by the love of his life, and feuding with his Rookie… I hate Yoshi Tatsu!

This match was awesome. No seriously, I wish I saw more matches like this in WWE. Hell, in wrestling period! Its great, gives a lot of counters, and even Regal wishes he saw more matches like this… but once again, its two grown men arguing over one of them breaking his toy.

OFF TOPICCM Dunk: a white basketball player in search of work after the NBA went on strike.

Nice near falls in this one two, especially after Yoshi connects with a spinning heel kick from the top (one of his two finishers). There was one funny botch that involved Yoshi kicking too late, and hitting Kidd with his dick. But aside from this, a great match.

End comes when Kidd beautifully counters the “I’m Asian, therefore all kicks are done with Bruce Lee force” Kick with a simple dropkick to the knee. HA! Kidd then hits the 3 Handed Credenza for the win!

WINNER: Tyson Kidd

Kidd grabs the pedant and walks off. Rubber match on the way? I sure hope so!... but still, a fucking toy? We get a graphic for Derrick Bateman and Daniel Bryan vs. Titus O’Neil and Darren Young… which is actually an interesting match considering the story going in.

OFF TOPICCM Cunt: Instead of pushing being straightedge, we push the fact that Punk really enjoys sex. I know, a stretch, but I think we can make it work.

We return to a Derrick Bateman package, and it reminds me why I loved this guy so much. He brings up how some people say its not fair that he got brought in now to NXT. In response, he thought it wasn’t fair when he was eliminated in Season 4 in his hometown in front of his parents (ouch) but in the end, that’s life. When asked how he stacks up against the competition he points out he has a personality that’s more than a bark, and he has a Pro. It’s a shame he didn’t cut this promo earlier.

We cut to the back to remind us that Hornswoggle is a fucking idiot. First off, he’s still trying to get with Maryse, and second he’s doing it with a bouquet of dead flowers, banana peels, and other rotting garbage… okay, even if he has the intellect of a kid, this is fucking stupid. Even a five year old knows that has no way of working!

So Hornswoggle gives her the bouquet, and what do you think happens? It fails miserably! Maryse whips him with said garbage, and once again tells him “Its never going to happen.” Titus comes in as Maryse walks off, and we’re suppose to feel bad for Swoggle. Fuck Hornswoggle! That was the dumbest attempt at a hot girl that I’ve ever seen! I don’t feel sorry for him at all!

In the best part, Horny leaves Titus by himself, making him now as professional a Pro as Yoshi Tatsu. Even better, the commentators shit all over Maryse for what she did… are we watching the same footage?!


But first!

OFF TOPICVM Sucks: Because Vince McMahon was dumb enough to let Punk get away.

This match made me miss Derrick Bateman and Daniel Bryan as a tag team. If I was WWE, I’d seriously just put Bateman on Smackdown and have those two team up. Heck, Bryan needs a partner for his feud with Cody and Ted anyway! These two work really well together, and it made me love Derrick Bateman all over again.

I’ll give credit where its due, Titus and Darren worked nicely together too. Hell, there’s another tag team you could make right there! They could be the new Doom! Unfortunately, WWE cares about as much about the tag team division as they do having great wrestlers stick around.

Story of the match is that Titus and Darren want to take Derrick out in this match; as they work him over the majority of the match. Its cool, cause it makes Bateman look strong. Bryan I have to say looked amazing, and was probably waiting for an excuse to show off.

End comes as Derrick hits Darren Young with his “Dangerously Close to ripping off the Skull Crushing Finale” for the win. WINNERS: The White Guys

They then proceed to show the main event… a re-showing of the ending to RAW. Nope! Somebody else already did that recap. I will say some things on the subject.

A finger of shame to the WWE for doing another “…Or your fired!” angle with Cena. They may as well had Vince come out and say, “BTW, Cena is going over at the PPV.” Is this because they saw everyone’s expectations go up, and tried to stop it? They literally took all the intrigue of the match out in this one segment!

After this segment (and the comments WWE set GLAAD about how Punk will actually leave after the PPV) I went from having to see MitB, to being able to pass on it. Way to drop the ball, and fuck up something that could have been amazing WWE!


Now for the news... From even before the time I started writing for SWF, my goal has always been to be a video game journalist. Everything I've done, from working with SWF to even my time at SNHU (my college), has been toward that end. Okay, I can understand the obvious confusion of "How's does writing for a wrestling satire site help with that goal?" To answer, a mix of "I wanted some writing experience" and "I honestly have loved this site for a long time, and thought it be awesome to write for it". But I digress...

Recently, I began my first steps towards my dream, and I got a job at two video game websites as a writer. It’s going to demand a lot of time from me. Also, between the wife, the full time job, and these new jobs; I'm afraid that leaves me with very little time. So with that... I'm afraid I might be giving my notice.

I still have to think on it... but having the extra day to do what I have to would be nice. I WILL at least be finishing this season of NXT. Regardless of my decision, it will be my last NXT. I won't say my goodbyes just yet, as we have some more NXT to go. But you guys will be the first to know when I make my decision.

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”: Kidd vs Yoshi II was excellent. Worth the watch!

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: Titus reaffirms my fear that he will win NXT.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:. Why do they write Hornswoggle to be so fucking stupid?

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).