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by Malcolm Not in the Middle

June 28, 2011

Hey guys, and welcome back to the rant... and crap do I have some things to say. First of all, did you guys see this?

So I saw CM Punk's promo... that shit was awesome. I've been watching wrestling now for over 25 years, and its been forever since I've seen something so powerful. You will hear me say this multiple times... but its a testament to how stupid WWE is right now that they are willing to let Punk just leave the company, especially after delivering something as incredible as that promo.

Everyone has had something to say about the promo. The most on point statement about this has actually come from MVP, who stated that we just saw CM Punk's "Austin 3:16 moment". I agree, which shocks me not because I dislike MVP, but because I didn't think I could like Punk more. Yeah, very fanboy of me, but the guy is absolute gold. I dare anyone to say Punk isn't awesome at this point.

Let's be clear here though, this was a worked shoot. It has to be, I mean WWE couldn't have been stupid enough to give the most underutilized guy in the company who's leaving soon an open fucking mic! Still though, the fact that you had to wonder what was happening is a testament to how good this promo was.

The line of the night for me will be "Vince McMahon is a millionaire who should billionaire". Christ, truer words have never been said.

I have to wonder what's next for Punk. In a perfect world, he'd win at MitB and take the belt with him. WWE then can crown a new "interim" champion till Punk randomly returns, and sets up an awesome unification match. Hell, imagine Punk taking that belt to the indies and "defending" it? Hell, I'd take Punk winning, and Del Rio cashing in on him moments later. But, thanks to some spoilers for next week's Raw that I read (No worries, I won't go into it) Cena is just going to go over per usual, least in my opinion. Considering everything Punk said, the WWE Golden Boy going over him will be a very ironic end to his WWE tenure.

But in celebration of Punk's middle finger to the WWE, and my learning to post videos, my favorite CM Punk moments will be this week's OFF TOPIC. Enjoy!

OFF TOPIC: The first of many great promos...

We open the show with an overall story arc of all the Rookies through this competition, including the eliminated ones. They build up how that this show will be narrowing down to the final two, so that we'll nearly be done with the show... God, I have never been more uninterested in a finale than this freakin season. Say what you (or I) will about the previous 4 seasons, but I actually cared to some degree about who won at the end.

Show starts with Darren Young running out... by himself. Oh yeah, Chavo apparently quit his job. This recapper's opinion? Good for him. Hopefully, he'll end up somewhere that will actually use him. I'm not saying he'll World Champion elsewhere, but he could be used a lot more effectively than WWE used him. Thats a problem with WWE nowadays. You're either a main eventer, or a jobber. There is no inbetween. You could have had Chavo as a strong contender for the IC or US title, but no. He was a jobber, first and foremost.

Also, I've heard people berate him just for "quitting the WWE". Look, I don't care how much WWE was paying. If you're not happy at a job, you leave. Sides that, I'd like to think that Chavo has saved enough money that he could have fun in ROH for awhile. Heck, I'd even be for him in TNA to push the X Division.

So as much of a dick thing it may seem for me to say... Chavo, good luck on your future endeavors.

Darren Young however, doesn't seem to be that sad that Chavo left. In fact, he quickly takes credit for it, saying that Chavo left cause he was jealous of Darren cause he realized he was a better wrestler than he was.... So Chavo threw away his job cause he was jealous of someone who had no job? Yeah, okay. I'll give him some credit, it was a a decent "I'm stepping up my game" promo.

Darren is interrupted by a giant semi-aborted baby; oh wait, that's Conor O'Brian. He tells Darren that after tonight no one will care about Darren Young, and instead they will talk about how Conor will make utter and complete destruction... what?

OFF TOPIC: CM Punk slaps Shannon Moore:


I will have to give these two guys credit. This was a very violent and brutal match up. No joke, they tore into each other. Actually, I give a lot of credit to Darren Young, who was taking a lot of the major shots in the match. These shots include a viscous Mafia Kick by Conor, you could hear everywhere.This match actually was the first time I actually thought of Conor as a monster in that ring.

I wanted to also point a nice bit of commentary by Regal here. Grisham points out that the matches in NXT are definitely getting longer here in NXT as we get closer and closer to the finals. Now, you and I both know its due to there being less wrestlers present, and them having to fill in time. However, Lord Regal brings up a nice storyline point. Regal brings up the point that these Rookies have been facing each other for over several months, and as a result, they've just gotten really used to each other. That... actually makes a lot of sense.

End comes when Darren hits Three Amigos and hits a Frog Splash for the win... really?

WINNER: Darren Young

A graphic tells us tonight we will get Yoshi Tatsu vs. Tyson Kidd tonight. This is something I would be excited for if it weren't for the fact that 1) I've seen it before, and 2) Its something that involves Yoshi Tatsu!

But before that match, we need to get some more stupidity with Yoshi. We're back to that stupid fucking shrine with an action figure on it. He gives it a cactus... okay. Tyson comes out, and makes fun for him for being a grown man playing with an action figure. So far, a sound argument. He grabs and destroys the action figure... which actually gets some emotion from Yoshi. WTF? He leaps after Tyson, and pounds him... because he broke his toy. Referees separated them, as Yoshi is fuming... about his toy.

OFF TOPIC: CM Punk cashes in MitB on Jeff Hardy and turns heel


So good news, bads news for this match. As far as matches go. This match was really good. I mean these guys put on something good enough that it could have been on ROH. I did really enjoy this match up a lot, and it could be the best match of the night...

However, heres the thing... its a fight about a toy. You know how much it pisses me off that the most emotion that we've ever gotten from Tatsu has been because of an action figure? This guy has gotten his heart broken, and been "betrayed" by his Rookie; and been a goofy fuck nugget through all of it. The fact that we are getting emotion thanks to this... it actually infuriates me.

End comes as Yoshi hits the stupid "I'm Japanese, therefore a Martial Arts Expert even though my kicks are balls" out of nowhere for the win. And I mean nowhere, Yoshi was in the middle of getting beat up when it happened.

Winner: Yoshi Tatsu

We are than threatened with Titus O'Neil vs. JTG. To give this a story, we get a backstage segment with JTG dressing in front of a mirror. Hornswoggle (and I'm not making this up) dressed as a garbage can, and tries to steal JTG's bling. JTG catches him and is understandable pissed. He's about to deal with the midget, when Titus runs out and saves Swoggle from being beat. He tells JTG that Swoggle's attempt at theft is okay because he's a leprechaun and loves gold... That is the most retarded thing I've ever heard!

What the fuck do you say to that? Aside from "He's a fucking midget, idiot!"?

OFF TOPIC: CM Punk cashes in his money in the Bank contract on Edge to win his first title:


Maryse out to do commentary I guess. Immediately though, they bring up last week, and how Maryse is just awful for dumping Hornswoggle like that. And its here... that Maryse makes a really good point. Why the fuck is anyone surprised? Maryse has treated EVERYONE like this since day one. Its like swimming with a great white shark, and being suprised when it bites you. Also, why does Maryse need to entertain the idea of dating Hornswoggle? She's right, its kind of ridiculous.

Hated this match. This match was JTG doing all he could to make a barking idiot look good... and yes, that includes losing to him.

WINNER:Titus O'Neil

During this match, Swoggle gave Maryse a love note, in which he actually professes his love to her. Maryse responds to this by tearing it up after the match. This... is apparently a big deal as Hornswoggle starts to cry and walks off. Maryse is portrayed as a bitch since she never gave Hornswoggle any reason to believe he had a chance in hell... COMEDY!

OFF TOPIC: That one time CM Punk did commentary on NXT

We're back, and let's just cut to the elimination... hey look, its Conor O'Brian.


BEGINNING: Hated him. His gimmick was that he was homeless and looked like a rat... how he got another chance, I'll never know.

NOW: Still don't like him. He went from Homeless Rat to Koslov 2.0 And like Koslov, he acted like a complete moron to get over. Sorry Conor but as Johnny Curtis is showing us, that only gets you so far.

FUTURE: Honestly, I don't know... or care for that matter. He did get some sort of connection with the fans at the end... so who knows?

Conor ends his NXT tenure by thanking his fans, and begging Triple H for a job. No seriously. Its about here that I would write END OF SHOW.... but Striker throws us a curve ball. Folks, we are no at the final two, rather the final three again... as making his return to the show... no way! Derrick Bateman and his Pro Daniel Bryan! Okay, NOW I'm stoked. Not only is there finally someone to stand up to the juggernaut that is Titus/Hornswoggle, but now I have someone I want to win! Excellent!


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE DEWEY AWARD": Kidd vs Yoshi was very much the match of the night...

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE REESE AWARD": However, I'll always remember it for having a really stupid backstory.

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR "THE FRANCIS AWARD": Yoshi and his stupid shrine.

Hey, did you know I have a Podcast? Yes, it's true! "The Rundown Wrestling Review" Podcast is a show featuring me and my good buddy Adam as we review and talk about the major happening in wrestling! Like to be in on it? Of course ya do! Just contact me via twitter or either email address, and I'll add ya to the mailing list! Any comments or constructive criticism is appreciated!

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).