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by Malcolm Not in the Middle

June 21, 2011

Hey people and welcome to the rant.... and I'm not going to lie, I'm really under the weather today. So bad, I'd call out sick... if I could do that. I literally just promised Sean that I'd do these posts on time. Call me old fashioned, but I like to build up some trust before I let someone down. That being said, expect a pretty straightforward rant tonight. But I should be back to form next week.

Sides, not like there's anything big going on tonight! I mean according to the Dirt Sheets, the only thing of note thats happening.... HOLY SHIT! Zack Ryder is wrestling tonight?!... oh god, please tell me WWE didn't decide to just make him a Rookie too. Regardless, Ryder on TV!

We are weeeeell hung.... Show opens up with a package recapping the times and elimination of Lucky Cannon. His elimination (and the happenings at "Power to People" Raw) are proof that sometimes people shouldn't be given any power. I'm really sick of this show punishing someone if they are a good heel. Cannon shouldn't have lost this competition, lease not been the 3rd guy gone.

Speaking of eliminations, we are told we will get another one next week. Folks, we are almost there! After this, we just need to endure a Conor/Titus finish... and that will be that.

Titus and Hornswoggle out, because you want to start this show on a happy note. Both of them have the mic, and lord in heaven Hornswoggle is going to talk. Titus even tells us to "Shhh" in preparation. What does Swoggle say you ask? The hell do you think he says!?


Titus said the Great Swogli says "He has a present for Maryse, and wants her to come out now." Honestly, I don't understand what people see in her. Don't get me wrong, I see it... but she's made it abundantly clear she's a cock tease. Why waste your time?

Maryse comes out... for god knows what reason. Hornswoggle talks some more, and says he has a suprise for her, and to hold out her hand and close her eyes. I remember this scenario ending badly on an episode of Jackass. Swoggle gives her a jewel case... which contains a jewel pop! Get it!? Because he's young, because he's small! Oh comedy!

Maryse gives Swoggle a dose of reality, saying there is no way she'd go out with him... which I can't blame her for. She walks out, and Titus consuls Swoggle... When Zack fucking Ryder comes out. And I'm happy to say that he easily gets the biggest pop of the night. Too bad WWE doesn't give a shit.

Ryder chant breaks out, as Ryder takes the mic and doesn't understand how Titus got this far with Hornswoggle as his Pro. Titus tells Zack that its because Swoggle is a better Pro... and he gets boo'd hardcore. I have to say, its was kinda stupid to have Zack go up against the face Titus, who once again is getting boo'd out of the arena.

Ryder threatens to fist pump Titus in the face, which gets Titus upset. Striker comes out to break it up and makes a match for later tonight, and I swear, if they job out Ryder...But enought of that! We have a six-man tag right now!


Here's the thing about this match...It wasn't bad. Nothing done in this match made me upset, or was a glaring botch. It was pretty sound, and everyone in it did their part fine. However, it really wasn't memorable at all. Pretty by the book: 1. Faces start strong, 2. Heels take over for most of the match thanks to working like a team, and 3. Faces make hot tag, and wrap the match up.

Speaking of which, ends comes when Yoshi Tatsu hits that "I'm Japanese, therefore I'm a master of Martial Arts" BS for the win on JTG.


The announcers make a big deal over the fact that Conor took a lot of punishment in this match, like thats some sort of accomplishment. Where was Regal and Grisham when Colin Delaney was wrestling?

We get a recap of RAW, and WWE reminds us that they screwed up the votes (The only reason Mason Ryan won) and so we'll get treated to Evan Bourne vs. Sin Botch. If Sin Cara can get his shit together, this could be good... but we'll see.

Then we get the bummer news of the night as we get a recap of CM Punk announcing that he's letting his contract expire and leaving the WWE. His last match will be taking on John Cena for the WWE Title at MitB. Man this sucks, Punk was one of the people I loved to watch and listen to. This isn't retirement, so maybe we'll see him again... but damn, first Edge, Savage, and now Punk. This year has been balls!

We go to the back for NXT's weird fucking thing of the week, cause NXT always has at least one thing. Kidd is in the back, talking to Lucky on the phone... when he bumps into a fucking candle shrine with a Yoshi Tatsu action figure on it. Kidd goes to touch it, when Tatsu comes up and tells him to get out. Kidd leaves and Tatsu prays to the idol of himself. He even gives it an offering in the form of a hershey bar... WTF?


Lots of Ryder chants here. I swear to god, if they have Ryder job here, then its official that WWE doesn't give a shit what the fans want.

This fight does get me nervous for Ryder as Titus is destroying him. Seriously, Ryder barely gets any offense in the beginning of the match. Thankfuly, he eventually gets the upperhand hitting all his big spots. I'm really impressed with the popularity of Ryder, who's chants are dwarfing Titus and Hornswoggle, the two most popular guys here.

End comes as Ryder goes out and talks big to Hornswoggle. Titus runs after him, and Ryder gets back in the ring. Ryder cheapshots Titus when he gets back in the ring, and hits the Rough Ryder for the win!

WINNER:Zack Ryder

And the IWC rejoices...


BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”: Zack Ryder makes a suprise appearance and wins!

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: Not... really anything to complain about. Um, CM Punk is leaving soon?

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Yoshi builds a shrine to himself. Dick...

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).