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WWE NXT RANT

by Malcolm Not in the Middle

05/31/11


Folks, lets get right into this! Ladies and gentlemen after extensive voting, the votes have been tallied… and we are ready for the NXT Awards! They will be given out during tonight’s off topics, so sit back and enjoy!... Well, you have to read them…. But still enjoy!

We start off this show with an in-depth look at the Titus O’Neil/Darren Young feud. I know what you’re thinking, but I have good news. These two guys do not touch each other at all during this episode. So the streak is finally broken; least till next week… though this begs the question of why would you back this big video for this feud, and do nothing with it? Personally, this makes me think that Darren Young is the one to be eliminated tonight… But let’s see if I’m right.

Oh yes, there will be an elimination tonight. Hopefully, they keep going at this rate… which means we have another 2 months of this shit, but what can you do?

We have our first default opening in a while, as Maryse and Striker are in the ring with the Rookies. Maryse introduces our special guest ring announcer for this program… Michael Cole. Oh goody. Even better, he’s the really annoying Cole that I’ve hated for the past 5 months. Oh, and he makes all the Rookies look like shit… so ya, he’s muted.

Lucky has apparently gone full Flair tonight, as he has without a doubt the best robe ever. It almost looks like one of Slick Ric’s gear… kinda sorta. Despite it looking like we’re about to be given a really stupid challenge, we actually have history in the making here as for once the Challenge… is a wrestling match. That’s right, actually being a good wrestler is going to keep you alive in this season for once.

Hmmm… Guess I should put up the special font then, huh?

CHALLENGE! TAG TEAM TURMOIL!!!

For those unsure what that is, it’s more or less a gauntlet match. Each Rookie teams up with their Pro to make the team. We start with two teams, who wrestle to a decision. Then the next team comes and faces the winner; and this cycle repeats till we have one team. It’s a pain in the ass, as you’re pretty much fucked if your one of the first teams. But whatever.

The winner of this match gets… 3 lousy points? Is that some sort of fucking joke? Three lousy points for winning challenge that takes the entire program to finish? Fuck I’d give this one 20, seeing how no one thought maybe they should reset everyone’s redemption points after the first eliminations. Yeah, they pretty give away that Titus will win. That’s like winning a MitB match to get a match on RAW!

BTW, you heard that right. The Tag Team Turmoil takes up the entire show. So we see some good wrestling here… and some bad wrestling…. All for 3 points?

But before that… they let the Rookies talk. Which I understand they have too… but these guys all fucking suck on the mic. Oh well, lets see if they surprise me. They are asked why they shouldn’t be eliminated:

Conor: Says he should stay because he’s not done breaking his bones for the business… God he’s generic.

Lucky: If you’re not a fan of Lucky Cannon, you must be deaf, dumb, and blind. Says he’ll win cause he has an ace, or rather a Queen, up his sleeve. Maryse tells him this was a good save. So his plan is to be Maryse’s bitch if he fails? Oh well, he’s banging Maryse… so in a technical sense; he won NXT in my opinion.

Young: Says he should win because he’s been the top Rookie since he got here… despite you know losing all but 3 matches. In a weird transition, he goes from this to being angry as he finally says its stupid that he’s back on NXT after main eventing Summerslam, and being on RAW as part of the Nexus. THANK YOU! I agree! That is stupid! He says he should still be on RAW fighting Cena for the title, which Cole laughs at. Cause that’s what wrestling is now, a stock of old guys laughing at young men with dreams.

Saxton: Says he should win because he was bright enough to dump his Pro… that actually makes sense.

Titus: Cause he’s bigger, badder, and better than he was previously. Says Hornswoggle is the greatest Pro ever… jesus I hate them both.

Enough of this garbage! Start the match!

OFF TOPIC: Biggest Miscarriage of justice in NXT history

A) Kaitlyn wins Season 3, but has only been on TV 3 times.

B) Daniel Bryan comes off BS firing and with much fan support… only to be left to flounder after creative fails to figure out how to use him.


C) Johnny Curtis wins NXT and is never heard from again,

D) Wade Barret goes from winning NXT and feuding with Cena… to being IC champ

E) Kaval wins NXT, and is released a few months later.

WINNER: Kaval wins NXT, and is released a few months later.

The People have spoken, and I can’t blame them. Kaitlyn taking so long to debut was frustrating, but even I admit that she needed work with her wrestling. She had the personality down pat, so we knew she’d show up eventually. In hindsight, maybe I should have put “The finale of Season 3 NOT being between Kaitlyn & AJ”?

Daniel Bryan’s current position in the company is frustrating, but at the same time there’s quite a few wrestlers in that position. Fuck, Cody Rhodes and Alberto Del Rio were in the same position as him until recently. After seeing how he’s started a program with Cody, hopefully his stay in the doldrums was just the laziness of creative overall.

Johnny Curtis winning NXT proved that fans should not be allowed to vote on this show. Curtis literally won this season of NXT because he made sure to mention how the city and state they were in at the time ruled. For me at least, I will remember it as a time that I was embarrassed to be a wrestling fan. Thankfully, WWE realized his victory was bullshit and have kept him off. I remain hoping he’ll be fired soon. Fingers crossed.

Wade Barrett’s fall from grace has been annoying, but it’s fairly normal for WWE now a days. They get a guy, push him to the moon, and then treat him like shit for the next 3 years. With some fine tuning, he’ll be a fantastic main eventer… least once he loses the excess baggage with Corre (Why is it spelled with two fucking R’s?!).

Kaval’s firing, for many people including myself, is where concept of NXT died. The whole point of NXT was we pick the next break out star, and on literally the first season we picked the next one… WWE gave us the bird. Instead of a monster push like the previous season winner received, he was made into a jobber almost immediately (While McGillicutty, Husky, and Riley went on to achieve some focus and some major storylines). Plus it killed the concept of NXT itself, as from here on, the winner of NXT became a jobber or was just completely left off TV. I mean, I’m not saying give them the title, but come on!

You could tell WWE didn’t want the guy to win, as they had the eliminated Rookies jump him before he starts on his second sentence for his victor’s speech.

Apparently, as revealed by MVP and Kaval almost a year later, that this was an audible called by Vince. That’s why it was such a clusterfuck, no one knew what was going on. MVP apparently got in trouble for running down to save Kaval. His logic was that he was a face, so it made no sense for him to just stand up on the ramp doing nothing. Management chewed him out, saying “Stone Cold wouldn’t have done that.” Yeah, two things. MVP isn’t Stone Cold. Two, this explains so much why all faces are such assholes now.

Then, less than 6 months later, Kaval was fired in a fairly large FU moment to the crowd. This pissed off fans, as this pretty much revealed the true meaning of NXT “You can pick the winner, but we’re gonna push the one we wanna push”. And that my friends… is bullshit.

TITUS O’NEIL & HORNSWOGGLE VS LUCKY CANNON & TYSON KIDD

Well, its not match of the year, but I was thankful just for seeing Titus O’Neil wrestling someone not named Darren Young. Course my liking for this match vanishes as I see Lucky & Tyson have to sell offense from the midget.

End comes as Tyson pins Titus after getting distracted by Swoggle giving Maryse a flower, and then getting slammed by Lucky… no seriously.

WINNERS: Kidd & Lucky

Out come Saxton and Yoshi. Tatsu still appears to not understand that his Rookie wants nothing to do with him.

OFF TOPIC: The Moral Victory Award (Rookie who should have won their season)

A) Daniel Bryan (Season 1)

B) Alex Riley (Season 2)

C) AJ (Season 3)

D) Brodus Clay (Season 5)

WINNER: Alex Riley from Season 2

Another interesting one, as this one is a great discussion piece.

While its arguable that Daniel Bryan should have won Season one, Wade Barrett is too awesome to ignore. Sides that, I’d argue he still would have won given how it was still “Pro’s choice only”.

While I personally still say Season 3 would have ended perfectly if it was AJ and Kaitlyn at the end, most agreed the right gal won… sides that, even without the victory she’s debuting the same time as Kaitlyn.

Personally, I’d have to go with Brodus Clay. He had the complete package for me. He’s a big guy, has a very mean personality, surprisingly good on the mic, an interesting look, and he’s actually a really good wrestler! Johnny Curtis winning Season 4, as I mentioned, was BS and Brodus should have won. Unfortunately, he fell to the most annoying rule of NXT: If you’re a heel, you will not win NXT.

But the winner was also someone who fell to this rule, Alex Riley. Granted he’s got a lot of success since NXT (For Christ’s sake, he was involved in the main event of Wrestlemania!) but really he should have won, or at least came in second. I mean, if they had no interest in pushing Kaval, than why not push someone they will? How’s that McGillicutty working out for ya?

LUCKY CANNON & TYSON KIDD VS YOSHI TATSU & BYRON SAXTON

Cole tells us when we come back that Maryse is actually not seeing Lucky or Ted. He says she’s with no one, and just enjoys “company”. So…. She’s a whore. That’s pretty much the long short of it.

My mute is off, so I hear the announcers bury Saxton cause he has balls. They compare the situation to Miz and Riley, explaining that Miz did so much for Riley, and that Saxton is throwing away that chance by ditching Yoshi… Okay, there are soooo many differences between those two situations, its not even funny. Miz a World Champion on RAW who main evented Wrestlemania… Yoshi is lucky to appear on Superstars. You know what? Fuck the announcers…

Lucky gets a surprise victory as he just suddenly kicks Saxton in the fucking head for the win.

WINNERS: Kidd & Lucky

Koslov and Conor come out… really? They’re making Lucky and Kidd lose to these two?

OFF TOPIC: NXT’s Dumbest Moment (Moment that made the Least Amount of Sense)

A) Daniel Bryan and Michael Tarver are eliminated over BS. (Season 1)

B) All new Rookies get the shit kicked out of them by there Pro’s on the first show, and then proceed let the whole thing slide a week later. (Season 2)

C) Season 3 in its entirety

D) Ricardo Rodriguez tries to kill Conor O’Brien (Season 4)

WINNER: Season 2 Clusterfuck!

If there’s one thing NXT does well, its do dumb moments…

Daniel Bryan and Michael Tarver being eliminated was stupid. They were eliminated because they did a promo with the words “Eliminate. Me. First” in that order. They weren’t seriously asking to be eliminated, it was actually pretty clever promos to try and be unique… but because they even hinted that they should be out first; management responds with “Okay.” What was weird was that Bryan and Carver couldn’t defend themselves or point out this BS (Lot of BS in this show). This was the first stupid moment of this show… and who knew it would be the first of oh sooooo many.

Season 3 in general was dumb, but even I admit, it was a hysterical carwreck. And it gave us Kaitlyn, so I can’t hate it that much.

The Ricardo/Conor feud was just stupid. I guess that the whole “Jealous Sidekick” gimmick was all right, but they had Ricardo trying to get rid of Conor as if he was an actual rat; even spraying him in the face with poisonous spray. It eventually lead to Ricardo vs. Conor, which was actually pretty fucking hysterical. Youtube that if you get the chance.

No, the “honor” goes to B. Season 2 will unfortunately go down basically as the day the music died for so many aspects. The start of Season 2 happened the day after the Nexus debuted in that amazing beatdown on Cena, Punk, and anyone else there. To show off how much the Nexus attack has had an effect the WWE’s minds, the Pro’s began by kicking the crap out of the Rookies. I’ll be honest, I never have been wanting to see what happens on NXT next week more than at this time. There was so many things they could have done from here:

1) End season 2 by having the Nexus show up, and tell the Rookies “See, this is what you have to look forward to if you get to WWE this way… or you can join us.” In less than 2 weeks, the threat is even bigger and WWE just gave us a shocker. The Nexus actually showed up on NXT a few weeks later! You could have done it then too!

2) It would have an interesting storyline if the Rookies than didn’t trust their Pros, and the Pros had to gain the trust of their Rookies.

What happened? The Pros told their Rookies to fucking deal with it, the Rookies nodded like stupid morons, and that was that. To quote iBeaDom “It made the Pros look like assholes for attacking INNOCENT people who had NOTHING to do with what happened on Raw and it made the Rookies look STUPID and WEAK for not fighting back.” I couldn’t have said it better.

LUCKY CANNON & TYSON KIDD VS VLADMIR KOSLOV & CONOR O’BRIAN

And that’s not a typo. Conor just now started spelling his last name correctly… now if he could only get his first name right.

Only interesting thing of this match was JTG coming down to do commentary. No joke, JTG is very funny as a heel. For real, team him up with R Truth!

Koslov gets the win with “Not the Rock Bottom” cause he’s only good for receiving hot tags.

WINNER: Koslov & O’Brian

OFF TOPIC[/I]: [B]How’d this Loser get this Job?! (Worst Rookie)

A) Jacob Novak
B) Conor O’Brien
C) Eli Cottonwood
D) Micheal Tarver
E) Titus O’Neil
WINNER: Jacob Novak

This is a quick one. Conor at least has gotten somewhat over, even if he looks like the product of X-Men’s Wolverine fucking a muppet. Eli Cottonwood didn’t stick around long enough to make us ask this question. Michael Tarver had his moments, and Titus O’Neil is admittingly over, even if it’s by association.

The winner of this one is hands down Jacob Novak, who Dolph Ziggler summed up nicely when he said “You're terrible, you don't have 'it', you're not entertaining, you're not amusing, you're not anything but a blazer from Express.” Beautifully summed up… and he was eliminated first again! WTF?!

VLADMIR KOSLOV & CONOR O’BRIAN VS DARREN YOUNG & CHAVO GUERRERO

You know what I thought during this match? What happened to Santino Marrella? He was on all the time, now I don’t think I’ve seen him since Mania!

This match was nothing to talk about. End comes as Koslov and Chavo take each other outside. Darren goes for “Forever Young” in the ring, but Conor reverses and hits the Andy Ritcher for the win. What is this move? It’s a side suplex… I hate Conor.

WINNERS: Conor & Koslov

Great job, Conor! You just need 17 more points to stand a chance in hell!

OFF TOPIC: Best Couple (Best Pro/Rookie Team)

A) Chris Jericho & Wade Barrett (Season 1)

B) LayCool & Kaval (Season 2)

C) Goldust & Aksana (Season 3)

D) Daniel Bryan & Derrick Bateman (Season 4)

WINNER: Chris Jericho & Wade Barrett

This was a toughie, it appears.

LayCool and Kaval don’t get enough credit. I was expecting LayCool to treat Kaval like shit, but they didn’t. Actually they were really good to him, and you really got the sense that they cared whether or not he succeeded. In fact, I remember this one match were Husky Harris knocked them down, and Kaval got concerned and lost focus in the match. He lost, but it showed how big of a connection they had. Kaval was even doing segments on Smackdown with LayCool… I sorta was expecting a romance angle to come of it… but Kaval got fired. However, credit where its due; cause Kaval wouldn’t have won without LayCool.

Goldust & Aksana, while not a cohesive team, were a very entertaining part of the show. Heck, the whole wedding between them that got the whole Rhodes family together (really showing how fucked up that family is) was a very entertaining spectacle. Then Aksana turned heel… which was weird. Keep in mind, Goldust can’t hit her, so what was the pay off gonna be? You wanna know what it was? He ignored her for the rest of the show… well, it was fun while it lasted.

Byran and Bateman SHOULD HAVE WON SEASON 4. There I said it. I know I mentioned Brodus earlier, but in hindsight the victory was getting a tag title shot with his Pro… so you want the guy with the best chemistry with his Pro to get it. Derrick and Daniels were hysterical together. Daniels was a perfect straightman for Bateman’s antics. I thought they had it in the bag… till Derrick got injured. Nevertheless, I’m very much looking forward to Bateman’s debut.

Who else could win but Jericho & Barrett? They were the perfect team. Jericho was the perfect mentor for Barrett, and they played up the mentor/student relationship perfectly. Barrett to this day is still the first and probably only heel to win NXT, and it made perfect sense as they were the perfect team against all the other NXT Rookies and Pros.

We are back, and its elimination time! Who will it…. Seriously, Byron Saxton?!

Character Retrospective: Byron Saxton

BEGINNING: Thought he had a really good chance for this one, especially since he turned heel. For what its worth, I do think he improved from season 4.

NOW: Surprised. He did a better job than Conor, who I am shocked has lasted as long as he has. Honestly, I think this is WWE picking who goes, as they really don’t want the final 4 to be 3 heels and a one face.

FUTURE: He could come back. He just needs some more fine-tuning.

Byron insists that they showed the wrong face on the tron, but nothing doing. He swears we will never forget this day for the rest of our lives… Sorry dude, you weren’t doing that well.

And they cut to Yoshi who gets to show some emotion for the camera… and nothing. Great job, Yosh.

END OF SHOW!

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD”: FINALLY! Points given for winning a WRESTLING match on the WRESTLING reality show!

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”: … and the winner gets 3 points? The winner of Power of the Punch challenge is seen as that much more impressive than someone who wins a gauntlet match? Really?

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”: Conor is still in this? Really? Conor is still in this? Really?

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).